Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Falling for Christmas’: A Minute-By-Minute Analysis

You know that gif of Tyra Banks yelling “I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!”? I have a theory that the reason it’s still in such heavy rotation is that we need it every time Lindsay Lohan does A Thing.

That reality show based on Lohan’s Greek beach resort, which was a lot like watching an ungodly mash-up of The Apprentice and Love Island?

I Know Who Killed Me, a movie in which body parts literally start falling off Lohan’s main character because she has a secret twin who’s losing limbs elsewhere?

That super low-budget 2018 werewolf (yes, werewolf) movie Lohan made, called Among the Shadows?

All deserve a Tyra.

And yet, like so many other optimistic humans, I just keep returning to the Land o’ Lohan in the hope that one day — someday — she gets her life and career back on track. (Damn you, Mean Girls, for keeping us here!)

Lohan’s latest attempt at doing something worth watching is a new Netflix movie titled Falling for Christmas. It is one of the approximately 8,500 seasonal movies that will come out this year and, having landed Nov. 10, it’s one of the earliest.

I’m here to watch it, so you don’t have to. (Oh, and I am going to tell you literally everything, so consider this your spoiler alert.)

0:50: Lindsay Lohan is Sierra Belmont. We know she’s terrible because she wears a padded eye mask in bed which, in movieland, as we all know, is the universal signifier for Mean Rich Lady.

1:05: Opening credit montage of annoying fancy people at a Rich People Ski Resort. We know they’re annoying rich people because they’re all wearing fluorescent colors and an air of self-entitlement.

2:21: Sierra is conducting a tightly packed exposition scene over the phone with a Sexually Ambiguous British Man. This is Tad, her boyfriend (surprise!), and a person that refers to himself as “one of Hype magazine’s top social influencers.” Sierra is a hotel heiress who doesn’t want to work for her dad. This movie is going to be rough.

3:00 Mid-phone convo, a four-person “glam squad” and a personal assistant named Terry — who is a 1990s stereotype of a Professional Gay Man — arrive at Sierra’s hotel room and start feeding her champagne and caviar while she complains about the fact that people think she’s spoiled. This movie is not subtle on any level.

4:30: A skiing man does a series of little jumps on the slopes. We know he’s a Good (Probably Poor) Person because his clothes are muted colors and he is being soundtracked by jaunty music.

4:50: Good Poor Person Man is named Jake. He is trying to talk to Sierra’s father because he needs an investor for his Regular People Ski Lodge, which is not doing so well. Then the two race each other downhill because that is absolutely how people do business at ski resorts.

5:19: Jake will not stop doing little unnecessary ski jumps. Please fall over, please fall over, please fall over.

8:50: Jake lives inside a snow globe from your Aunt Jackie’s Christmas decorations with a horse named Balthazar, an adorable grandmother and a daughter who grins constantly like she’s in a seasonal Macy’s commercial.

13:45: Tad says the phrase “Gondolas are for losers” and dear god in heaven, how will I ever get through this movie?

14:15: Sierra starts singing along to “Jingle Bell Rock” in Tad’s car, because she just released that single, so let’s get that shoehorned in.

15:11: Back in Aunt Jackie’s snow globe, Jake is taking a couple from an Old Navy commercial on a sleigh ride.

17:33: Tad takes Sierra to the top of a mountain to propose. Sierra is dressed in a pink version of the Bride’s yellow and black jumpsuit from Kill Bill so, frankly, who can blame him?

18:33: Jake’s perpetually-grinning child writes down a wish and hangs it on a tree at the local Christmas market. A creepazoid Santa look-a-like sees this, grins eerily and the wish flies up into the air and directly into a snowstorm. Said snowstorm hits Sierra and she falls off the side of the mountain. I am exhausted already.

19:35: I have a sneaking suspicion that this movie is about to turn into the Goldie Hawn-starring 1987 romantic comedy, Overboard, in which a Mean Rich Lady (she too wears an eye mask to bed) has an accident, loses her memory, then learns to be a good person by doing chores for A Working Man.

21:31: This movie just turned into Overboard. This is the part where Goldie Hawn wakes up at the hospital and can’t remember who she is or what happened to her, but she’s enough of herself that she’s still awful to everyone who’s trying to help her and they can’t wait to get rid of her. Insert: Lindsay Lohan and a slightly more diverse cast.

23:23: Jake — who discovered Sierra while out on his Old Navy sleigh ride — volunteers to take her back to the snow globe until they can figure out who she is. (Dude. Giving away free hotel rooms to strangers might be why your business is failing.)

25:03: Sierra has arrived at Jake’s lodge wearing festive hospital scrubs and no head bandage, because those evaporate the second you leave the hospital. The Grinning Child spots Sierra and does some grinning. Danny from The Shining just popped into my head and I can’t be sure why…

25:15: Sierra has a huge, fully decorated Christmas tree in her gigantic room. (Jake, man, we really need to talk about how much your struggling lodge is wasting on excessive Christmas decorations…)

28:52: Sierra wakes up with a sock over her eyes and accidentally turns on the TV, so we can all catch a glimpse of another Netflix Christmas movie that the channel apparently needs to promote in the middle of this Christmas movie. For shame, Netflix. For shame.

29:32: Sierra just used a crappy portable hairdryer to dry her long flowing hair and, holy crap, that must’ve taken two and a half hours.

31:03: Old Navy couple runs into Sierra and the Grinning Child. I am unclear what their role is in this movie but they keep showing up and doing nothing.

34:56: Tad, who got lost in the mountains, has found a small cabin with a bearded Ice Fisherman in it. Their weird sexual tension is finally giving me a reason to finish this movie.

35:01: Jake’s crappy customers keep calling and canceling because they’re staying at Airbnbs instead. “We can’t even afford a housekeeper!” Jake despairs. Cue Sierra taking up the task, because this movie is Overboard, albeit without the humor and the electric sexual chemistry.

37:54: It’s not my imagination. Tad and the Ice Fisherman have a full blown vibe. They’re wrestling in the snow. ”You’re so strong,” Tad says, followed by a series of sex noises. I’m really rooting for these two.

40:05: Sierra goes outside and tells all of her feelings to Balthazar the horse like he’s Mr. Ed.

43:48: Sierra, Jake and the Grinning Child are at the local Christmas market where Creepy Santa is showing them all a sleigh Jake can’t afford.

47:16: Despite wearing that beanie all damn night, when the trio get home from the market, Jake’s hair looks like this.

48:32: Sierra figures out how to make a bed and flip a pancake, so she is A Good Person now. This Grinning Child situation is gonna finish me.

49:23: Sierra, Jake and the Grinning Child are singing songs and decorating gingerbread houses and skiing and dear god man, haven’t you got a business to save?

50:28: Old Navy Couple just checked out of the lodge and who will sit in the background now?

55:47: Sierra and Jake almost kiss, then don’t and all I can think about is Tad and the Ice Fisherman, who are probably at third base by now.

56:56: Sierra tells Jake’s grandmother and the Grinning Child that she’s figured out how to save Jake’s lodge: a party/fundraiser. Grandma, who gave the lodge to Jake and her (now deceased) daughter as a wedding gift, helpfully provides Sierra with “every contact for every guest from the last three decades,” like all those old-timey landlines are still going to work just fine. Thanks Grandma.

1:00:00: This small lodge has more Christmas decorations than the Union Square Macy’s windows on Dec. 24 and I have so many questions about Jake’s budgeting abilities.

1:02:02: Montage of invitation-printing and Christmas Eve party-planning. This movie is 12 hours long, I swear to god.

1:02:43: Tad and the Ice Fisherman are around a campfire eating beans. The sexual tension is thicker than the snow.

1:04:24: Sierra’s dad gets back from a business trip, discovers she’s disappeared, and declares his intention to get the sheriff involved. It’s hard to care about any of it because I just realized that Sierra’s dad has the middle-aged man version of Jake’s haircut and, um, that seems weird.

1:06:00: The sheriff finds Tad and the Ice Fisherman and brings them in for “poaching on government land.” Tad defends his mountain man in the sheriff’s office. If these two don’t make out soon, I’m going to toss my laptop through a window.

1:08:02: Sierra walks down some stairs wearing a red dress and everyone gasps and you already know this scene because it’s in literally every romantic comedy ever made.

1:10:09: Party is in full swing and everyone is smiling like the Grinning Child. Random people keep giving Jake checks for all the free crap he’s done for them over the years. Literally everyone is donating by check. Is Jake’s ski lodge a portal back to the 1970s?

1:14:17: Sierra’s dad and Tad run into the party, she remembers everything and unceremoniously bolts despite the objections of Grinning Child, who has finally stopped grinning. Sweet relief!

1:16:39: Grossly unnecessary montage of all of the things we’ve literally just spent the last hour watching Sierra and Jake doing together. Give me strength.

1:18:30: Sierra is in the kitchen hanging out with the hotel staff making pancakes. This scene was much better when it was in Overboard because in that version there was tequila.

1:19:11: Sierra holds a press conference on Christmas morning because journalists definitely don’t have anything better to do that day. She shouts out Jake and recommends the lodge to all of the people watching a stupid heiress press conference on Christmas morning.

1:20:51: Grinning Child insists Jake tell Sierra how he feels about her, and the two take Creepy Santa’s sleigh (which is magically waiting for them outside the lodge — don’t ask questions) over to Sierra’s dad’s fancy resort.

1:23:04: Sierra tells her dad she needs to make her own way in the world. He replies “I promised your mother I’d take care of you. Looks like you’re starting to take care of yourself.” IF YOU MAKE A PANCAKE IN FRONT OF YOUR DAD THAT’S MAKING YOUR WAY IN THE WORLD NOW.

1:24:19: The lodge’s phone won’t stop ringing because of Sierra Belmont’s fans booking rooms. On Christmas Day. Grandma deals with it because she is the only glue holding this lodge together.

1:25:10: Sierra breaks up with Tad. Go find the Ice Fisherman, Tad!

1:26:06: Tad invites the 1990s Gay Stereotype to spend New Year’s with him. It’s not quite what I wanted, but it’ll do!

1:26:51: Creepy Santa shows up and directs Jake to where Sierra is in the hotel. Haven’t you got children to spy on, Creepy Santa?

1:28:28: Sierra says her dad wants to invest in Jake’s lodge and that she will work there too. Instead of discussing contracts or the fact that Sierra basically just invited herself to move in with Jake after he’s known her for one week, they kiss finally and, meh, it’s not really worth all the build-up to be honest.

1:28:52: Sierra’s dad walks in with Grinning Child. “What a Christmas, you guys,” Jake says. “Yeah, it’s one I’ll never forget,” says Sierra. Massive groan.

1:29:49: It’s over! It’s finally over!

1:29:54: Wait. No. There’s a blooper reel.

1:33:45: Now it’s finally over! Lindsay Lohan doesn’t get a Tyra gif for this one, but she can definitely have this instead.

‘Falling for Christmas‘ is streaming now, on Netflix.