Comedy Central did the world a solid yesterday and finally unleashed the Season 4 premiere of Broad City. Titled “Sliding Doors,” the episode explores what might happen in a parallel universe where Ilana and Abbi don't become friends. Just pondering the idea for half an hour got us seriously shook, for without these two comedy virtuosos teaming up, we’d have been deprived of a multitude of television firsts.
Let’s look at all of the ways Abbi and Ilana have changed the rules of television and enriched our lives. Without these two, we probably never would have seen the following things occurring on a basic cable show about lady BFFs:
1. Feminine Marijuana-Storage Units
In Broad City’s second-ever episode, Ilana introduced Abbi to the type of concealed weed transportation ladies might wish to employ in states that haven’t yet legalized the devil’s lettuce. Words of wisdom:
2. Poo Burritos
As we learned last week, concealing the fact that you poop from a new romantic partner is no joke. In "Hurricane Wanda," Abbi does the dirty deed just as her hot neighbor comes by, and needs to find a way to rid her bathroom of the offending item. Demonstrating her deep love for Abbi, Ilana steps up to be a "doo-doo ninja" and comes up with a solution involving a shower cap, duct tape, and a perfectly executed cartwheel.
3. Kelly Ripa as a Maniac
In "Coat Check," Kelly Ripa keeps an S&M dungeon in her kitchen, drinks moonshine, smokes weed, hires male prostitutes, throws heavy things out of very high windows, and declares "I literally don't give any f*cks." In the end, Abbi leaves her hero because she can't keep up.
4. This Perfect Response to Street Harassment
5. Dating Your Doppelgänger
In "Coat Check," Ilana starts a steamy, hickey-fueled love affair with her doppelgänger, Adele, played by (the always fantastic) Alia Shawkat. Adele is the kind of lover who smells her fingers halfway through sex -- in other words, perfect for Ilana. That is until she announces that she doesn't smoke weed and Ilana has to throw her out. We still miss you, Adele -- please do a cameo soon.
Sixteen years ago, readers of Dan Savage's legendary Savage Love column came up with a "commonly accepted slang" term for the act of "a woman f*cking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo." Pegging won with 43% of the vote, but didn't become a part of the mainstream lexicon until "Knockoffs," a Broad City episode in which Abbi obliges her hot neighbor the very first time they sleep together.
7. Rape-y Locksmiths
Locksmiths provide a vital service to humanity: getting us into the places where all of our belongings live when we're too stupid to not lose our keys or lock them inside. "The Lockout" in Season 1, however, asked what life would be like if locksmiths were the kind of people you definitely wouldn't want to have lock-picking abilities. It also handily highlighted the kinds of ridiculous things women who live alone are forced to think about every day.
8. Women With Zero Physical or Sexual Insecurities
Ilana Wexler is the most confident human being on Earth. In addition to being the most sexually comfortable woman on TV since Sex & the City's Samantha (who Ilana even impersonates in Season 3), she fears public nudity about as much as Beyoncé fears leotards. At the start of the "Wisdom Teeth" episode, Ilana acts as a nude model for Abbi's art class, and does gymnastics and a variety of other sexually explicit poses for the duration of the class. It is, of course, completely hilarious.
9. A Truly Honest Approach to Bathroom Activities
Pooping, peeing, puking, pregnancy tests with a side of sex, smoking, and shaving:
10. Using Period Blood to Throw Off Sniffer Dogs
Remember the nature's pocket we mentioned at the start of this? In Season 3's "Getting There," Ilana is using hers to smuggle weed abroad to Israel and wears jeans that are stained with menstrual blood as the ultimate decoy to get through security. "We should Sharktank period pants," Abbi says when the ploy works. And just think to the 1950s, when you couldn't even say the word "pregnant" on television...
Roll on, Broad City. We can't wait to see what comes next.