New Versions of 'Achy Breaky Heart' Confirm We Are Living Through the End Times

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Kiss your children and tell your family you love them, for Billy Ray Cyrus is in the midst of releasing not one, but at least three -- three! -- new versions of "Achy Breaky Heart."

Here's the original, just in case you need to see that mullet again:

The first sign that the apocalypse was imminent came last week with the "Muscle Shoals Edition" of "Achy Breaky Heart," which is supposed to be a bluesier take on the original, but is actually just ever-so-slightly slowed down with some tinklings of keyboards in the background:


Then yesterday, a partially Spanish version -- a collaboration with Caballo Dorado -- surfaced. On it, Billy Ray still sings his parts in English, thereby negating the entire point of the thing:

The worst is yet to come, however. Father o' Miley has assured the world that we have "an EDM funk version" coming our way, thanks in part to Bootsy Collins. (Shame on you, Bootsy!) No confirmation yet on whether the four horsemen will ride in before or after it debuts.

Billy Ray has been building up to this for over two years now. Remember the 2014 Buck 22 hip-hop version? Truly, a horror show of unthinkable proportions:

In a move that is presumably linked to his ongoing preparations for the end of the world, Billy Ray is also about to change his name simply to "Cyrus." We are hoping the entire Cyrus clan will follow suit, forming one hive mind to guide us through the darkness before the Earth implodes.

Hold your loved ones a little closer tonight.