As you might know, Thursday is America's birthday. This year, she's turning 237! What do you get the country that has everything? Well, since none of us can probably afford what she really wants -- healthy food vending machines on every corner and hover crafts -- we've decided to compile a list of ways you can show the USA she's still looking sharp even after all these years, that even with all these upstart young things taking their place on the world stage (heeeey People's Republic of China), we still think she's keeping it real. So take our advice, show this country you care and have a happy Fourth of July week by doing the following things:
1. Wear Her Favorite Colors, Patterns and Animals
Once a year you are allowed to go absolutely crazy on red, white and blue, stars, stripes and eagles. This country has done so much for you! It educated you, let you drive on its roads, had a police force for you to call when that guy stole your bike! Show it how much it means to you by wearing all its favorite things, simultaneously.
2. Take July Fifth Off
You took the day after your 21st birthday off right? The day after your best friend's 30th? Show the USA the same respect and commitment to the party. If you didn't think of this back in May, you're probably out of luck, but call your boss right now and work it out, because calling in sick on the Friday after Fourth of July is like saying you have food poisoning after DOMA got repealed: no one's buying it for a second.
3. Dance to Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA, Preferably in Front of a Large American Flag
What better way to express gratitude for freedom of speech and all the other cool allowances America has given us than shaking it in front of her flag? Better yet, plan a flash mob so you won't look so silly doing it by yourself!
4. Memorize as Much of the Constitution as You Can and Recite It To Strangers
The Constitution is like America's FAVORITE epic love poem and every time you say it to a stranger, your country's heart fills with joy. Bonus: memorizing the Constitution is impressive at parties and good when you get into constitutional arguments with members of the Supreme Court.
5. Bike to Crissy Field or Somewhere Else Along the Water for Fireworks
No matter how old and grumpy you are, fireworks still have the power to turn you into a wide-eyed giddy child. If they don't, you should see a therapist sooner rather than later. Also, do yourself a favor and bike there or you'll be waiting for a non-packed bus until next Fourth of July.
So have a happy Fourth of July friends! Make sure you show America just how much you love her, so when she cries, they are happy tears of pure patriotism.