Here's the thing about Spring Breakers, the absurd, exploitative, manipulative, totally sick (in all possible ways), Harmony Korine movie that came out nationwide on March 22: even if you don't like it or think it's offensive, you will agree that it looks totally cool.
Yes, yes, yes, I understand that a constant stream of drugs and parties and beaches and sunsets and swimming pools and cologne and strip clubs and guns is not healthy or good. But after I saw Korine's first movie (which he wrote but didn't direct) Kids, back when I was actually a kid myself, as much as I fully agreed 12-year-olds shouldn't be allowed to run free around New York City giving each other AIDS, I also thought they were SO BAD ASS. Their outfits, their haircuts, their skateboards. I wanted to be them! Just without the AIDS and juvenile delinquency. And now I feel the same way! I can't wear booty shorts in public, much less bikinis every day, because I am a 30-year-old woman and I haven't had hind-parts smooth enough for that sort of behavior since I was roughly 11, and also this is San Francisco and I work in public media. That said, it doesn't mean I can't start planning my Spring Breakers "Halloween" (to be worn ASAP, for any reason) costume. Here is a breakdown of how you too can get the ultimate Crime-Spree-in-Florida look. Skrillex soundtrack not included.
1. The Perfect Ski Mask:
Whichever direction you decide to go with your Spring Breakers outfit (ultra authentic or more interpretive are the options here), you are going to need the iconic pink unicorn ski mask. Yes, it completely defeats the purpose of the ski mask for robbery when you all wear matching outfits and everyone knows it's you but whateves, you look so cute! This Etsy shop is capitalizing. Get yours before they're gone.
2. The Tiger Face Monokini:
As you can see, I am going for authenticity. The best criminal outfit involved this swimsuit, which I assumed was some sort of trillion dollar designer number. Nope! It's from Hot Topic! Available at your local mall for $7 on SALE. Except that it's sold out. Don't worry, though. I've started a Twitter campaign directed at Hot Topic: