'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

Bienvenue à Downton, mes amis! Mais bien sûr, SPOILER ALERT! On y va!

A train arrives. Or leaves. Or both if you want to get philosophical. Rosamund has come to deal with the immediate Edith Emergency, the true cause of which only Violet and Rosamund are currently aware. Violet apparently has decided to break a cardinal rule of Downton which is: never directly tell anyone information that would probably benefit them. She’s decided to tell Cora why Edith is gone.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson discuss the upcoming party, which of course Mary would never cancel just because her sister has gone missing. In fact, this seems like the kind of occasion that Mary would like to throw a party for.

In the library, Mary proves this hypothesis. Rose and Robert "Donk" Crawley join the side that thinks the show must go on. Unfortunately, before Violet and Rosamund can reveal the truth about Edith’s ovaries to Cora, The Baby Watcher’s Wife appears at the door to give her the news.

On the grounds, Tony and Blake go for a walk and talk about sex and how Blake really thinks Tony should break up with Mary (who has already broken up with him by the way so...).

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Downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Bates talk about real estate.

In Cora’s room, the Grantham ladies meet to discuss Baby Marigold. Cora is reasonably upset that Rosamund and Violet are meddling meddlers who didn’t even tell her about their meddling. Cora, ever the radical American, suggests the shocking idea of asking Edith what she wants, if they can ever find her IN LONDON WHERE THEY KNOW SHE IS.

In the hall, Hughes asks a flapper-looking Mary about the ticket she gave her, a.k.a. the Bates Freedom Ticket. Sadly though, Mary burned said ticket. Also sadly, Angel Baxter is eavesdropping. Why? Did she kill The Rapist?

No time to think too much about it because Rose’s Atticus and his parents are here for the exciting party! It’s going to be so much fun without Edith around to wet blanket the whole thing, am I right?

In the kitchen, Daisy is sad about politics. She’s so smart and political now she’s basically a nihilist. We’ve all been there, Daisy. Welcome to your freshman year of college.

Downstairs, the Bateses are giving Angel Baxter the Mean Girl Treatment. If I know Baxter, she will use this opportunity to exonerate Bates once and for all. Because she’s an Angel from Heaven.

At dinner, Donk admits he married a half-Jew and is the Most Tolerant Man in Downton. On the other side of the table, Atticus’ dad and Cora have an awkward conversation about being Jewish-ish. On another other side of the table, Rosamund grills Branson on his spin-off plans. Now that Edith has gotten out, maybe he sees some potential for escape himself? And on yet another other side of the table, Smart Atticus cracks the Edith case wide open by suggesting they call the company she just inherited. Oooooh, Atticus, shoot, no one told you that they aren’t actually looking for Edith. It’s just sort of a game they are playing for a minute, until they can move on to another cocktail party. Edith who?

Apparently, there is another side of the table too because the Girl Who Tony Jilted is discussing marriage with Tony. Speaking of marriage, Isobel has a little announcement to make re: Fancy Fiance. Everyone is very excited, except of course for Violet who will now proceed to lose her BFF and watch said-former-BFF be happier and richer than her for the rest of her sad, Prince-less life. Mary is the only one who notices Granny’s sad face. When Granny lies and says the reason behind it is Edith, Mary makes her usual snide, worst-sister-in-the-world comments about how worthless Edith is. Granny finally fires back: “A lack of compassion can be as vulgar as an excess of tears.”

Downstairs, Molesley tries to re-engage Daisy in the exciting world of literature, but Old Soul Daisy is so sad about politics she can’t be bothered with book learning anymore. Thanks, Obama!

In the drawing room, for some reason, Mary convinces the Fancy Fiancé to have a party for Isobel at Downton. Tony plays cards with the Girl He Jilted and pretends like he and Mary are still together because they had sex that one time. Dude, this guy is so clingy! She’s just not that into you, bro!

The Atticus Family leaves and Mary and Blake plot about how to shake Tony off. Rose tells Cora, Rosamund and Violet about her boyfriend’s super smart plan to call Edith’s work so Cora and Rosamund make plans to head to London and Cora makes plans to hate Violet for the rest of time.

At the Bates Household, the Most Boring Couple in Downton discuss real estate some more.

In the library, Isis is clearly already dead, but Branson and Donk aren’t super interested because they need to discuss man stuff like how, even though Branson is a Young Republican, they still aren’t going to make out and eventually run off together.

In London, Cora and Rosamund have very rudely shown up at Edith’s work, which is exactly where she is hiding out. So I’m guessing she was never that great at Hide and Seek as a child?

At Violet’s, Mary and Granny drink tea and listen to Sprat complain. Mary the Sociopath gets Violet to admit to having friendship feelings for Isobel.

At a bridge, Baby Sybbie and Branson discuss moving to America. Sybbie doesn’t contribute much to the conversation, to be honest.

Downstairs, the Bateses and the Molesleys and Thomas all have a stare-down. Soon, I imagine they will all make up and talk a lot about real estate together.

Upstairs, Mary receives a mysterious phone call from Blake, summoning her to London.

In the hall, Dead Isis has been moved to a different place in the house and Donk is beginning to catch on. Rose runs into the house just in time for a lecture from Donk about the Struggle of Interfaith Marriage.

At a tea house in London, Cora tries to convince Edith to bring Marigold to Downton. Edith, do not do it!! You’ve barely escaped!

Downstairs, Molesley is getting mail and surprise surprise the Bateses are talking about real estate. The Molesley mail is part of a ruse to get Daisy back into books and also a good chance for Thomas to show his newfound kindness (which I’m suspicious of, obviously) and get Baxter to go along with Daisy and Molesley to Daisy’s Dead Husband’s Dad’s farm.

On a train back to Downton, Edith and Marigold have been re-snared by the Downton-ites (why didn’t she just go to America?!) and there’s a hitch at the station! Mary is there. Ugh. And Anna has spotted them! The Baby Watcher smolders his way onto the train and takes possession of Baby Marigold, while Edith and Cora disembark. Why, Edith? Why do you trust anyone at this point? I feel like I’m watching a horror movie and Edith is the brunette waking into the dark basement on Halloween.

At tea, it is no longer the Old Ladies Club. Isobel’s Fancy Fiancé is there and the “No Boyz Allowed” sign has been removed from the door. (In case anyone has forgotten, the Fancy Fiancé is the father of Larry the Drugger so let’s hope this impending feast involves at least a little criminal activity.) The Fancy Fiancé leaves and the ladies talk boyz boyz boyz like usual, and also issues of household staff. (I refuse to engage in Sprat’s troll-y storyline; he’s a caricature and we have enough actual characters and enough drama so no, I will not discuss his random quitting during tea.)

At the movies in London, Blake pulls Mary out so he can kiss her on the mouth just as Tony walks out of the theater with the Girl He Jilted on his arm. Apparently that’s all it took to get him to move on! Wow! Such fun cool mind games. Mary, of course, loves it and is now sad that Blake is headed off to Poland (which sounds ominous) for like a year/all eternity.

At Daisy’s Dead Husband’s Dad’s farm, the ruse to get Daisy back to studying is totally working! All she needs is a more independent older white man to tell her what to do! Where is the Downton Feminist Society on this issue? Petulant College Freshman Daisy is still sad about politics, but she decides to sign up for sophomore English. Outside, Baxter the Angel tells Molesley she can’t tell the Bateses why she spoke with the police (spoiler: it’s because she’s a goddamn angel).

In the library, Edith is giving her family the Marigold “adoption” pitch when Isis the Not-Alive-Dog is carried in. Apparently the dog isn’t actually dead yet but has cancer and Cruel Donk wouldn’t let them put her down, instead opting to watch his favorite dog die in agony. Classic Donk. Anyway, most of the family is totally against Edith’s adoption plan. Luckily, everyone is so distracted by the Isis Tragedy that no one notices that Cora has agreed to let Edith adopt Marigold.

Downstairs, Anna and Hughes talk about real estate (now a standard Downton greeting) and then Anna tells Hughes about what she witnessed at the train station, revealing that Anna and Hughes both know that Edith has a baby. Is this because of the picture they found? Why does everyone need to keep this secret if everyone already knows about it??

At dinner, The Fancy Fiancé's sons are predictably awful. At first, it’s just Larry’s Little Brother but then Larry the Drugger starts piling on Isobel because she’s, gasp, middle class! The Fancy Fiancé is reasonably embarrassed that he has raised such a waste of human space and asks him to leave the table. In response, Larry the Drugger makes fun of chauffeurs and Jews. Oooh boy. The present chauffeur takes offense and rightly calls Larry the Drugger (who by the way, drugged him) a bastard. Larry leaves, but Larry’s Little Brother gets to stay and continue being a total jerk.

Downstairs, Molesley tells the tale of hero Branson calling Larry the Drugger a bastard.

In a hall, Atticus proposes to Rose and they kiss. Isobel is a little chilly to her Fancy Fiancé who hopefully is still her fiancé. Isobel, good people occasionally have awful children. Remember how Sybbie had like zero opinions on America earlier?

In Cora’s room, Cora and Donk put Isis in bed with them in some sort of metaphorical I don’t know what. Maybe Isis is their cancerous relationship and they've decided just to let it sleep with them for now?

And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Cora: I hate that you brought Edith back, but I like that you are letting Marigold kind of live with you.

4. Marigold: I hope you’re remembering all this back and forth, girl. You know who your true mother is!

 3. Isis: Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

2. Violet: You admitted you had a soul. Congrats!

1. Branson: If Edith can’t get out, you can. Also, extra points for calling someone a bastard at dinner.

Previous Season 5 recaps:

'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn't Start the Fire

'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I'll Make Love To You

'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting

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‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

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