'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting

Welcome back fellow Abbey-ites. Come in! Episode 5 awaits! Always remember the old refrain: Spoiler alert. On to our story!

A car pulls up to the Abbey and it is Rosamund, greeted only by Cora and a handful of the staff. Oh, how I miss the days of a full house greeting party and the possibility of Thomas tripping Bates.

In the library, No-Longer-First-Footman Molesley arrives with a tray and Rose reads out loud to the family about a nudist colony. Lord, please take us to the nudist colony! (Note: this week in crossover news, The Bachelor did a whole thing based on the new Cinderella movie which is starring…Rose as Cinderella! And Daisy is one of her evil step sisters! Let’s all go watch together! Maybe Branson can drive us!)

It turns out, of course, that Rosamund is visiting specifically to tell Edith that this “farmer’s child” business isn’t fooling anyone.

The action continues in the library where Lord "Donk" Crawley discusses a “bash” he is throwing and a trip he is taking and Violet asks Isobel about her romantic proposal. Will it progress into a viral video wedding flash mob dance anytime soon?

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Downstairs, it looks like Patmore is becoming a hoity-toity rich lady, basically a Paris Hilton-style heiress, since she was left “a few hundred quid” by an old relative. She asks Carson for investment advice and Hughes is like, hey, I love him, but Carson is waaay out of the loop in terms of money stuff, ask someone else (he probably lost their entire life savings in a Ponzi scheme). Of course, Carson is bummed, but Hughes is always right.

In Rosamund’s room, Rosamund promises not to eat Edith over the whole Marigold situation. In fact, she wants to see the baby since she’s heard she’s sooo cute. At least Edith has an ally now in her battle against the Baby Watcher’s Wife. Or does she…?

Downstairs, the sergeant is coming back and this time he’s coming for Anna and Mary. Get your stories straight, ladies. The Downton Feminist Society needs you to remain united!

At the Doctor’s office, Meddling Violet is trying to get the Doctor to do something about Isobel’s potential super-high-class marriage by convincing him that Isobel has been brainwashed into an aristocrat. The Doctor, smart and admirable as always says: “Are you saying that you liked her better when she was more middle class? Do you perhaps resent the idea of a change of position for Mrs. Crawley?” You know what I think the problem is? That and also Violet doesn’t want to lose her only friend!

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith the Stalker has brought Rosamund to view the random baby she has no connection to (I swear; stop asking)! Edith’s maternal pull is always just barely below the surface, but Rosamund completely blows her cover when she says: “Goodbye, dear. Remember your…[most pregnant pause of all time ever]…remember your friend, Rosamund.” Marigold starts crying because her aunt is so terrible at subtlety!

In the downstairs hall, Carson and Mrs. Hughes a.k.a. Ross and Rachel have a philosophical discussion about their place in society as members of the service class. Molesley interrupts, as usual, with bad news about the over-zealous police, back again to interrogate the ladies.

In Mary’s room, Anna and Mary do not take a minute to make sure they are both telling the cops the same thing.

In the rainy village, Tom is (hopefully please please please) breaking up with the School Teacher. “You mean I’ve made it them or me?” she asks. Wait, was the School Teacher in a dissociative state every time she came to dinner? Like, it was a psychic break that caused her to be so obnoxious and then she immediately forgot about it? Anyway, Tom is over this relationship. He’s going to change things from the inside! He can’t be seen with these idealistic hippies, traipsing around in bare feet with flowers in their hair!

In the library, Mary is being grilled by the Law & Order: Semi-Suspicious Deaths in London team. She’s a good liar but horrible at telling the truth, which means Anna is definitely going down for this crime she didn’t commit.

At Violet's, the Old Ladies Club does a puzzle while quipping about old age, boys, Russians and servants. Violet, heartless as usual, is a bit too gleeful about the discovery that her Prince’s wife is doing menial nursing work in Hong Kong. Taking pleasure in the pain of others: is that written somewhere on the Grantham Family Crest?

Back in the library, the Head Detective tells Anna to not even think about fleeing to Switzerland. He has his eye on her.

In the drawing room, Donk is looking for some contractors, a job he is guaranteed to mess up, but it’s not just him on the line this time because Carson, now trying super hard to know about investing, perks up when he says: “Of course, we should all be putting money into building. Fortunes will be made over the next few years.” Step away, Carson! Remember, Donk has a terrible track record with investing.

In the Russian’s town, it’s raining again and Poor My-Hands-Are-Full Roserella is rescued by a Prince Charming with an Umbrella. She invites him to tea and they flirt over the idea of Russians and how cute Roserella is running around in the rain.

In the kitchen, Carson passes off everything he heard from Donk to Patmore, like he’s a Chuck Schwab employee. Ugh, Carson. Please do not lose all of Patmore’s money!

The School Teacher shows up. Apparently she’s quitting because Tom broke up with her. Oh, come on, girl! Have some self respect!

In the hall, Thomas Who Once Wanted Friends evilly pumps Hughes for information on the Law & Order episode filming upstairs. It’s hard for him to be menacing because he’s so pale he looks like he might die at any moment. But still, he’s committed to his one mode and he does it well.

In Donk and the Lady’s room, it becomes clear that the Art Guy is going to come for a visit while Donk is away. Will the Art Guy finally burst?

At some mystical portal between upstairs and down, Daisy hails Branson to the threshold and begs him to reconsider the School Teacher (ugh no).

At dinner, Roserella talks about her new love interest, Atticus. He doesn’t need a nickname; Atticus is great. Apparently, he’s the son of a Lord so no more jazz singers (thank god for Donk's sake).

Thomas gets whiter and whiter. He will be passing out at any moment, while the swells debate the merits of cocktail parties. The conversation turns didactic as Isobel gives a lecture on manners and customs of the Native Aristocrats and Edith gives a passionate plea for a deeper appreciation of non-cocktail party things (babies named Marigold).

Downstairs, the newest chapter of the Downton Feminist Society, Patmore and Hughes, meet for the first time to discuss the internalized patriarchy that forced Patmore to ask Carson where to invest her money.

Mary and Branson walk up the stairs together to romantic music and Tom says: “I’m on the brink of a decision.” Please say it’s the decision to sweep Mary off her feet!!

In a garden, Violet grills Rosamund like she’s a Law & Order detective. Rosamund buckles almost immediately.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith is fully out of control. The Baby Watcher is like, dude, you need to tone it down some or my crazy wife is going to make us leave the village!

At Violet’s, The Fancy Suitor and the Doctor try to win over Isobel with their knowledge of goiters.

Downstairs, the Bateses talk about the murder, which Bates did and Anna is about to go to jail forever for.

In the village, once again it is raining and Tom appears on the verge of doing something lame and romantic. The School Teacher tells him she’s “loved him.” Woo, girl, this is not The Bachelor. You don’t have to fabricate emotions because something seemingly romantic is happening. Tom kisses the Teacher, but she leaves anyway, thank god. Do not text her, Tom. Let it go!

At Downton, the Art Guy arrives as Donk in his fancy uniform leaves for Sheffield. Time for some explosions! Cora is already giving him sexy sidelong glances.

In the Russian’s basement, Atticus is back to see Roserella. The Russians seem especially bitter today, especially when they find out that Atticus is actually a Russian Jew (shout out to my people!). So yeah, Roserella is about to get romantic with a Jew! Sure, he’s no jazz singer, but you can bet Donk will be at least mildly scandalized (he’s probably forgotten that Cora is half Jewish by now).

At dinner in London, Blake has set Mary up on a three-way blind date with him and That Girl Tony Jilted.

Downstairs, Evil Thomas is dying.

Back in London, it looks like Blake is trying to get That Girl Tony Jilted to take him back so Mary is free to Sex Vacation elsewhere. Hypothesis: Blake is an American Psycho-style sociopath.

Back at Downton, everyone mingles post-dinner and replays the various plot points of the episode.

In the library, Violet and Rosamund have a new plan to destroy Edith’s life, which is take Marigold to France. Dear Edith: Do something! Free Marigold!

Downstairs, Baxter finally tells Molesley about the circumstances of her heist, which make her an okay alright person.

In the downstairs office, the Feminist Society tells Carson that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, but in a very gentle, non-disruptive way. Later, they will burn their bras, privately.

Upstairs, the Art Guy skulks through the hall to Cora’s room and Donk arrives home. Cora asks the Art Guy to leave, but he won’t. Donk ascends the stairs. The Art Guy tells Cora he’s the only one who cares about her. Donk opens the door. He’s not happy at the scene before him. The Art Guy has some panache, it turns out, and, on his way out, says: “When you chose to ignore a woman like Cora, you must have known that not every man would be as blind as you!” Donk is basically an animal so predictably he goes hard at the Art Guy, a punch and then some grappling as Cora yells: “Stop!” Then Edith comes to the door and everyone freezes. It’s very disconcerting, but I guess that’s because I’m not British? Donk lets the Art Guy go and then goes to sleep in his own room in an attempt to slut shame Cora.

Downstairs, Thomas and the Bateses act mysterious.

A rug is rolled, flowers are set out, the Art Guy leaves and everyone gets ready for a cocktail party. Cora looks sadly out the window of her gilded cage.

And now, the cocktail party! People mingle and Donk gives Cora the silent treatment. For some reason (she’s senile?), Violet starts talking about Marigold to Edith at this very public event and how the only option is to not be her mom. Seems like a conversation better kept for a time more private with less alcohol, but who am I to say?

Downstairs, Book Worm Daisy cannot be stopped by the departure of the School Teacher. She’s interrupted by Edith wanting to use the phone. She’s calling London. Why? Find out next week on Downton Abbey!

Character Ranking:

5. The Fancy Suitor: Don't underestimate this guy! He knows goiters!

4.  Atticus: Roserella's newest love interest is a Russian Jew! We're probably related!

3. Branson: Way to drop the zero. Time to get with the hero (Mary).

2. Patmore: You're a feminist now. What you had is what we call a "feminist awakening." Congrats!

1. Edith: Call London! Take your baby back!!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn't Start the Fire

'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I'll Make Love To You

'Downton Abbey' Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

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‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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