'Goop' is Hiring a Fact Checker. Here Are Some Facts We'd Like Checked

Gwyneth Paltrow's emporium o' expensive hippie crap, Goop, is finally hiring a fact-checker! No doubt as a precautionary measure; the company was just ordered to pay $145,000 in civil penalties, after making "misleading" claims about some of its products.

Paltrow has referred to her imminent new employee as a "necessary growing pain," which seems like not the nicest of welcomes to give the brave soul who's volunteering to wade through Goop's mountain of vague, totally unquantifiable assertions. Truly, this intrepid fact checker will have their work cut out for them. To help this person get started though, we have prepared some questions about Goop products that we would like tackled as soon as their desk feng shui has been perfected.

BRAIN DUST ($38.00)

Goop claim: "Alchemized to align you with the mighty cosmic flow needed for great achievement."
What we want to know: Will the mighty cosmic flow write my doctoral dissertation for me?
Also: How is this dust and juice at the same time?

ROSE QUARTZ EGG ($55.00)

Goop claim: "Used by women to increase sexual energy—this yoni egg is made of heart-activating rose quartz, associated with positive energy and love."
What we want to know: You know a chunk of polished rose quartz costs, like, $8 on Amazon, right? Can't I just put that in my vagina instead?

HIGH SCHOOL GENES ($90.00 / $75.00 with subscription)

Goop claim: "This regimen addresses numerous systems in the body that may contribute to weight gain when not functioning properly."
What we want to know: Isn't this just a really expensive multi-vitamin with some fish in it?
Also: Were any high schoolers harmed in the making of this product?

CLEARLIGHT PREMIER CEDAR 2-PERSON SAUNA ($4,099.00)

Goop claim: "Infrared saunas are...smaller and easier to install than regular saunas, and are more affordable.”
What we want to know: Can we have some money please, Gwyneth Paltrow?
Also: I live in San Francisco. Will this fit in my closet?

AROMATIC CONCENTRATE IN CAPTAIN ($60.00)

Goop claim: "This home spray enhances feelings of protection and serenity."
What we want to know: Are we talking blanket-while-we-sleep kind of protection here? Or trying-to-cross-the-freeway-on-foot levels of invincibility?
Also: If you're going to make me feel like a Captain, at least give me a free hat with this.

PSYCHIC VAMPIRE REPELLENT ($27.00)

Goop claim: "A spray-able elixir we can all get behind, this protective mist uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils."
What we want to know: Um. If Dracula can tell me my future, why would I want to repel him? Psychic vampires sound awesome!
Also: Can "we all" get behind this, Goop? Really? Take a poll. See how that works out.

ALTITUDE OIL ($44.00)

Goop claim: "An inhalation essence that fully transforms the in-flight experience."
What we want to know: Will this oil stop that kid from kicking the back of my seat?

AROMATIC IRRITABILITY TREATMENT ($65.00)

Goop claim: "An on-the-go treatment that instantly dispels irritation."
What we want to know: What about if I'm holding a screaming toddler, and I'm in a really long line at the post office, and I'm PMSing and hangry, and I just quit smoking two days ago? Will this "instantly" fix everything, Goop? WILL IT?!
Also: Hey, Pepper Potts, why don't you just try and calm down the Incredible Hulk with a cup of tea?

BEAUTY DUST ($38.00)

Goop claim: "An edible formula to expand your beauty, luster and glow from within."
What we want to know: Will this dust-juice turn me into Margot Robbie? If not, what about Gigi Hadid?
Also: If I use this in combination with a cooch-crystal, will I glow too brightly? Like Robert Pattinson in Twilight?

MINI CUFF + SADO-CHIC CHAIN MINI + O’R MINI ($1,505.00)

Goop claim: "This three-in-one jewelry set doubles as a plaything in the bedroom."
What we want to know: During sex, how does having my wrist chained to my finger benefit anyone?
Also: Would this product have ever, in a million years, made it onto the Goop website if it wasn't for 50 Shades of Grey? Wait. Nevermind. We know the answer to that one. It's: NO.

Godspeed, new fact-checker. Godspeed.