ROSE QUARTZ EGG ($55.00)
Goop claim: "Used by women to increase sexual energy—this yoni egg is made of heart-activating rose quartz, associated with positive energy and love."
What we want to know: You know a chunk of polished rose quartz costs, like, $8 on Amazon, right? Can't I just put that in my vagina instead?
HIGH SCHOOL GENES ($90.00 / $75.00 with subscription)
Goop claim: "This regimen addresses numerous systems in the body that may contribute to weight gain when not functioning properly."
What we want to know: Isn't this just a really expensive multi-vitamin with some fish in it?
Also: Were any high schoolers harmed in the making of this product?
CLEARLIGHT PREMIER CEDAR 2-PERSON SAUNA ($4,099.00)
Goop claim: "Infrared saunas are...smaller and easier to install than regular saunas, and are more affordable.”
What we want to know: Can we have some money please, Gwyneth Paltrow?
Also: I live in San Francisco. Will this fit in my closet?
AROMATIC CONCENTRATE IN CAPTAIN ($60.00)
Goop claim: "This home spray enhances feelings of protection and serenity."
What we want to know: Are we talking blanket-while-we-sleep kind of protection here? Or trying-to-cross-the-freeway-on-foot levels of invincibility?
Also: If you're going to make me feel like a Captain, at least give me a free hat with this.
PSYCHIC VAMPIRE REPELLENT ($27.00)
Goop claim: "A spray-able elixir we can all get behind, this protective mist uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils."
What we want to know: Um. If Dracula can tell me my future, why would I want to repel him? Psychic vampires sound awesome!
Also: Can "we all" get behind this, Goop? Really? Take a poll. See how that works out.
ALTITUDE OIL ($44.00)
Goop claim: "An inhalation essence that fully transforms the in-flight experience."
What we want to know: Will this oil stop that kid from kicking the back of my seat?
AROMATIC IRRITABILITY TREATMENT ($65.00)
Goop claim: "An on-the-go treatment that instantly dispels irritation."
What we want to know: What about if I'm holding a screaming toddler, and I'm in a really long line at the post office, and I'm PMSing and hangry, and I just quit smoking two days ago? Will this "instantly" fix everything, Goop? WILL IT?!
Also: Hey, Pepper Potts, why don't you just try and calm down the Incredible Hulk with a cup of tea?
BEAUTY DUST ($38.00)
Goop claim: "An edible formula to expand your beauty, luster and glow from within."
What we want to know: Will this dust-juice turn me into Margot Robbie? If not, what about Gigi Hadid?
Also: If I use this in combination with a cooch-crystal, will I glow too brightly? Like Robert Pattinson in Twilight?
MINI CUFF + SADO-CHIC CHAIN MINI + O’R MINI ($1,505.00)
Goop claim: "This three-in-one jewelry set doubles as a plaything in the bedroom."
What we want to know: During sex, how does having my wrist chained to my finger benefit anyone?
Also: Would this product have ever, in a million years, made it onto the Goop website if it wasn't for 50 Shades of Grey? Wait. Nevermind. We know the answer to that one. It's: NO.