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Morrissey Completes Transition Into Your Most Racist Uncle

Rae Alexandra
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Morrissey in Oslo, Norway, 2013. (Photo: DANIEL SANNUM LAUTEN/ AFP/ Getty Images)

Apparently concerned that he hadn't done anything to upset his long-suffering fans in a while, Morrissey just did a lengthy interview with the least impartial journalist in the world.

The diatribe was captured for Morrissey's own website, because he does not trust the press at large. Obviously feeling far too comfortable with his chosen writer (and, really, who wouldn't with question intros like "Your audience is now more dedicated to you than ever before," and "Your recent tour was magnificent,") Morrissey really let rip, accidentally confirming that—yes—his transformation into the most insufferable person at Thanksgiving dinner, is now complete.

Here are some things that Morrissey believes.

Eating animals is the same as racism and cannibalism:
"If you eat animals, isn’t it a display of hatred for a certain species? And what gives you the right to eat another species or race? Would you eat people from Sri Lanka?"

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If someone accuses you of being racist, you should take it as a compliment:
"But of course, we are all called racist now, and the word is actually meaningless. It’s just a way of changing the subject. When someone calls you racist, what they are saying is ‘Hmm, you actually have a point, and I don’t know how to answer it, so perhaps if I distract you by calling you a bigot we’ll both forget how enlightened your comment was.'"

Having a non-posh accent makes you basically worthless:
"This is the Mayor of London! And he cannot talk properly! I saw an interview where he was discussing mental health, and he repeatedly said ‘men’el’… he could not say the words ‘mental health’. The Mayor of London! Civilization is over!”

Hitler wasn't on the far right of the political spectrum, actually:
"As far as racism goes, the modern Loony Left seem to forget that Hitler was left wing!"

Authorities turn a blind eye when people of color commit crimes because of political correctness:
"London is second only to Bangladesh for acid attacks. All of the attacks are non-white, and so they cannot be truthfully addressed by the British government or the Met Police or the BBC because of political correctness.”

Journalism isn't sycophantic enough these days:
"I think a lot of writers are genuinely embarrassed to say ‘I really enjoy your music, and you are unique and you look great’ - this is thought not to be useful journalism."

All halal meat production is supported by terrorists:
"Halal slaughter requires certification that can only be given by supporters of ISIS, and yet in England we have halal meat served in hospitals and schools!"

Morrissey can't exercise because of YOU:
“I’d like to play sports and swim and so forth but such places are usually full of people holding iPhones, and of course, before you know it, there’s a shot of you on someone’s Facebook clinging to the parallel bars.”

In another portion of the interview, Morrissey is asked "How old are you in your heart?" His response? "165." This might be the only sensible thing he says in the entire interview—his views do sound like they were fashioned sometime in the 1800s. If only we didn't have to listen to them this century.

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