Larry Lee found a way to connect with his mother and celebrate her life before she passed away.
My mom passed away at the age of 95, after 8 long months in home hospice care. In the days following her passing, I found myself searching for what I could glean and hold onto from my last contacts with mom. One visit stood out before she passed, as I knew the window of opportunity was closing to connect with mom in a more positive way. But I was hesitant, as I was generally guarded on my visits.
Typically, our conversations were peppered with bitter memories of how she was wronged in her life having to live her life as the oppressed daughter-in-law, or how we’ve been a disappointment to her. This always left me with a pervasive feeling that I was never good enough. My past strategy of trying to please, perform and perfect for mom never worked. Sadly, I learned to always be self-protective around her. But I didn’t want to have this be the coda to our lives together.
Then one day I discovered some photos I’ve never seen of my mom’s life as a very young woman. Pictures of her full of life, dancing and socializing with her friends, a part of her life I’ve never known about. So, I decided to view these pictures with her.
Her responses surprised me. Smiling, she said, “I was very attractive back then and had quite a figure. I had many suitors I’ll have you know”, which brought a smile to my face. I got a glimpse of this vibrant life energy she once had, as I saw the light in her eyes. These pictures re-enlivened a time in her life when she was happiest. I didn’t want her to leave this world just holding onto her painful memories. It’s been years where she hasn’t had a present life to speak of, so I re-enlivened her past. Bringing her the gift of her past was a gift to me to experience my mom just for this one day in a different way. After one passes, it’s those last intense conversations that become magnified. I am grateful that I could hold onto this one. Although one cannot live in the past, in this instance, the past brought life back to my mom, if just for a moment.