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Vicki Larson: A Different 'I Do'

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Vicki Larson, courtesy of Kim Thompson Steel.

How do you define a successful relationship? For Vicki Larson, it’s not just about a ring on your finger.

We’re at the end of the so-called engagement season, December through February, when more people get on a knee and flash the bling than any other time of the year.

Fewer people are marrying — there are so many more options to live happily ever after nowadays. Still, that concerns many people, who have been wrongly promoting marriage as the right answer to everything—from financial health to mental health.

I have nothing against marriage. I’ve done it twice, once when I was ridiculously young —that didn’t last very long—and again in my 30s, which lasted 14 years and brought me two wonderful sons.

But it didn’t last “until death,” which is what society has expected since people started putting a ring on it. That basically means one of you has to die in order for your marriage to be a “success.” Even if the marriage has long been loveless, sexless, or full of anger and contempt.

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I question why we consider that a success.

And fewer marriages actually last until death. According to the Pew Research Center, 40 percent of newlyweds in 2013 had already tied the knot before.

Maybe more people would consider getting married if we defined marital success differently. In truth, we can.

All a marriage license and certificate do is prove to the state that yes, you tied the knot and now you are entitled to more than 1,100 perks and privileges. Whether you deserve them or not is another thing. They do not, however, tell you how to shape your marriage. They don’t require you to live together, have children, be monogamous, or even love each other. The couple actually gets to decide that.

Rather than have longevity be the only marker of a successful marriage, shouldn’t a couple create a union based on their values and goals, no one else’s?

Getting married is one of the biggest decisions one can make; it’s way too important to let others dictate what it should look like.

We don’t really need more marriages — we need more happy relationships, married or not, platonic or romantic. That’s something we call can say “I do” to.

With a Perspective, I’m Vicki Larson.

Vicki Larson is a longtime journalist and author in the North Bay.

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