Parenting Is Now More Enmeshed and 'Endless' — And It's Not All Bad

If you were a college student in the latter half of the 20th century, you might have experienced a then-common ritual: Once a week, you’d call home on a landline.

“It just wasn’t expected that you would want to be [more] in touch if you’re an independent adult,” Atlantic staff writer Faith Hill said.

Hill has been writing about politics and culture for almost a decade, and while reporting on modern American coming-of-age experiences, she noticed a shift in the frequency of communication between young adult children and their parents.

Weekly landline calls are now a thing of the past — and it’s not just the technology that has changed. Recent Pew surveys found that more than 70% of parents with kids between 18 and 34 talk with them multiple times a week — and nearly 60% helped their adult kids financially in the last year.

A significant portion of adults are now relying on their parents for financial support, career, or relationship advice well into their thirties, Hill said. In many cases, they’re also cohabitating. A Harris poll found that young adults living with their parents has become the most common living arrangement for people under 30 since the Great Depression.

Some view this increased reliance on parents as a sign of overdependence, suggesting that young adults struggle to become independent — but Hill said this overlooks how the parent-child relationship has evolved over time.

We haven’t always associated adulthood with independence and leaving family behind, she explained, pointing to the prevalence of family-owned businesses and multigenerational households up until the early 20th century.

“It was only after World War II that federal programs like the GI Bill, for instance, gave young people the incentive to buy their own house. And then that led to couples both marrying earlier and being more likely to go live on their own,” she said. “[It] started changing the culture and the way we think of maturity.”

Today’s close-knit relationships between parents and their adult children reflect a return to earlier forms of interdependence. That may not be a bad thing, Hill said.

“I think a lot of times the assumption is that these adult kids are… a drain on their parents who are just hoping to sort of retire and have their own life and not worry about this. But that isn’t really what the research shows,” Hill said. “It seems like both parents and adult kids are benefiting from these relationships.”

Social trends toward more “enmeshed” parent-child relationships are the subject of Faith Hill’s recent Atlantic article, The New Age of Endless Parenting. Research indicates that the close relationships between parents and adult children are generally positive, with both parties benefiting from mutual support. Young adults who live with their parents often contribute to household income or caregiving, creating a balanced, interdependent relationship.

Forum host Mina Kim recently spoke with Hill about her reporting and took a closer look at the benefits and challenges of long-term parenting. KQED listeners also shared their parenting experiences, and licensed psychotherapist Kelly Nguyen gave advice on how to navigate these hyper-connected family relationships.

Economics and the benefits of multigenerational living

Multigenerational living has grown steadily more common. Hill said this is partly due to higher living and housing costs — meaning that many young adults are now eating, working, and hanging out with their parents every day.

While young people in the previous century may have helped their parents work a farm or run a business, she notes that the current model looks more casual and less centered on labor. Children are hanging out with their parents after school or work, talking about life details and watching television shows together. Though economic factors play a role, Hill said many families experience social benefits to multigenerational households.

Jeff, a listener, wrote: “My 30-year-old daughter lives with my wife and me. The money she saves on rent enables her to build wealth for herself rather than some landlord. She’s welcome to stay here with us as long as she wants to.”

Another listener, Marie, shared that the economic downturn in 2020 “benefited us in the sense that we did develop a three-generational household.” Marie’s mother moved in with her and her children — and became a source of support during a stressful time.

“My mother was parenting my kids in a different way than I was. And she could do things because of her age and wisdom that I couldn’t,” Marie said. “She did a lot of modeling. She didn’t, like, tell them what to do, but she showed them what to do.”

Mike in Cupertino called to share that he lives with his parents now. The money he’s saving by paying a discounted rent to his parents allows him to pay for his own children’s school and life expenses.

“I’m able to help my two young adult kids pay rent and survive out here,” Mike said. “It’s a good thing.”

The age of hyperconnectivity

Even when young adults and their parents are not living together, smartphone and internet access make it possible to stay more connected on a daily basis, Hill said.

It’s common for family members to text each other, sharing “the little things that you’re seeing when you’re in the grocery store, the funny thing that happened at work… or the thing that’s upsetting you that doesn’t feel worth bringing up to other people.”

Evolving technology has given people an easy way to exchange the “minutiae of everyday lives,” and that has led to opportunities for closer emotional connection, Hill said.

“My mom and I talk a few times a week, and I love it,” a listener wrote. “Our relationship has actually improved as we share more small details about our lives. We swap Wordle scores and talk about movies, which makes it a lot easier to navigate more difficult conversations within our family when they come up. We’ve got more understanding and rapport than when I was a teenager.”

Redefining maturity milestones

The transition to adulthood is also taking longer, on average, Hill said. Traditional maturity milestones like getting married, having children, or owning a home happen later in life for many young people — if they happen at all.

“People still need some kind of role like that the spouse used to take,” she said. “Some guaranteed support, someone who’s always gonna be there.” For many young adults who are getting married later (or never), this supportive partner has become their parent.

“The assignment is just different now when you have a kid,” Hill observed. “It used to be more, like, you are supposed to raise your kid well enough so that they are equipped to go out and live their own life independently.” Now, she said, it’s an assignment that takes longer: “A lifelong commitment to being in your kid’s life even when they’re an adult and fostering a deep, meaningful relationship with them that will last.”

Building healthy relationship boundaries

This life-long parenting assignment can lead to conflict — especially as parents and young adults learn to express themselves and define their independent lives in close quarters, licensed psychotherapist Kelly Nguyen said.

“If you have a close relationship with your parents, [but] they’re completely hovering and, like, getting in the way of other relationships in your life,” honest communication is the best strategy, she said.

Nguyen recommended sitting down with your parent or young adult child and approaching a conversation about boundaries with “curiosity.” And embrace humility.

“Is there room in your relationship… to make space for feelings?” Nguyen encouraged listeners to ask themselves. “Not just positive feelings in the relationship, but is there room to kinda hear about what’s not going well in the relationship? And can there be space to think about that together?”

Listeners shared their own challenges — and successes — navigating boundaries with both parents and children in their lives.

“I have enjoyed a fairly close relationship with my father, who lives just a few miles from me,” one listener wrote. “I noticed, however, that as my own children grow up, new tensions arise in my relationship with my dad, who often blurs the line between being a grandparent and parent to my children. I had to explicitly ask him to let me parent my children while he can be their grandparent. We are still navigating this dynamic.”

Another listener shared their struggle, as a parent, to balance protective instincts with their child’s need for independence, saying: “Our [daughter] is intellectually disabled and still lives at home with us. This is common in such situations, but she does not appreciate that it isn’t as different from typically developed young adults as it was in the past few decades.”

Nguyen added that “letting go” can be especially difficult on the parenting side of a relationship.

“Hopefully, as parents,” she said, “You could… try to learn more [about your child’s life] without telling them what to do or not.” She suggested approaching conversations with the intention of thinking together and sharing ideas — not advice, which may be less appreciated. That subtle distinction “creates more of an open relationship with both parties where it encourages more talking together,” she said.

Balancing support with independence

Not everyone was convinced that increasingly enmeshed parent-child relationships are a good thing. Listener Noel cautioned: “We need to redefine how we see maturity, but also keep in mind how this trend can stifle independence.”

Several listeners reflected on the importance of allowing young people to experience new things for themselves and make choices independent of their parents.

“I have an incoming college freshman, and it’s just kind of funny but also sad to see other parents of these young adults trying to set up pre-dorm move-in playdate[s] for these kids,” listener Lilly said. “I think parents are sometimes trying to do too much for them… we want to be really close with our kids, our adult children, of course, but [we need to let] them experience these new things and be there for them when they fail, which they invariably will because those are all learning experiences.”

Matthew, another listener, agreed. He added, “My experience as an exchange student in Barcelona in 1976 was so different… the expense of long-distance calls at the time [allowed] me to be more autonomous. What are young folks missing out on in the era of constant contact?”

Another listener, Hari in Fremont, observed that the experience of placing weekly phone calls to one’s parents didn’t apply to all households — even in previous decades.

“Multigenerational households are still kind of the norm in Far East Asia, at least the way I grew up,” Hari said. “And it has a lot of benefits.”

Hari went on to share that many of his friends and family members still live in multigenerational homes, and that’s allowed them to plan with their children for big expenses like college tuition or first homes.

Sharing household labor and caretaking for loved ones was another common theme. Gail wrote that her son and daughter-in-law lived with her during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic, “and we absolutely loved having them with us.” It was practical to share household chores between four adults, she said, and the emotional support during a time of uncertainty was even more valuable.

Maggie in Los Altos added that she benefited from a family support network as a single mother. “I married unwisely the first time around,” she said, “And my grandmother took us in and built us a little house behind her house and helped me raise my girls.” Now, Maggie explained, she and her daughters help to care for the woman who supported them when they needed it.

Sonia in San Francisco said she’s not worried about “freeloader” children being supported by their parents. In fact, she was one: “ I am a first-generation American [and] my brother and I wanted for nothing. Emotionally, physically, financially, our parents made sure that we had all of that.”

Now that her parents are older and in poor health, Sonia said she and her brother have “kicked into high gear” to give back all of “the love and support that they gave us unconditionally.”