The silence is killing me, I thought as I locked my phone, hoping a new message notification would light up the screen. After roughly 27 messages, two phone calls and a voicemail, I’d just sent my final text to the person who used to be my best friend at UC Berkeley.
The two of us met freshman year and — since we were enrolled in almost all the same core classes — rapidly became inseparable throughout college: we routinely pulled 5 a.m. nights studying, were each other’s go-to for late-night pizza runs, and drove back to LA together almost every holiday break.
Then one day after graduation, he suddenly stopped responding, aside from claiming he “didn’t have enough time for himself.” That breakup, although platonic, was the most painful I’ve experienced: After four years of building such a close relationship, I thought I’d at least receive an explanation for why he wanted to end things. Instead, I received only a curt, indirect message about self-care and — what hurt me the most — an overwhelming silence.
Over the past few years, the concept of “drawing boundaries” has exploded in the pop psychology lexicon. Discussions of cutting people off, “protecting your energy” and even ghosting as forms of self-care consistently dominate social media. And after nearly three years in isolation, the ways the pandemic has spurred many of us to reevaluate our relationships with others — and reclaim time for ourselves — show up everywhere in pop culture.
The benefits of self-care are fairly obvious: by prioritizing our own well-being, we’re able to engage in emotional healing, build confidence, reduce anxiety and simply rest. But at the same time, an extreme focus on self-care can lead to a distorted perspective of the world in which we always put ourselves first — even when we’re in the wrong. This narcissistic interpretation of self-care doesn’t just hurt us — it can have real, painful consequences for the people around us.
“What’s interesting about the popularization of terms [like ‘boundaries’] that have always been used in therapy is that they actually become a way to use unhelpful coping skills,” explains Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist who runs the popular Instagram page @LizListens. “Boundaries are actually about understanding yourself: what you’re OK with and not OK with. Knowing when you can be flexible and when you can’t.”
“But I think that people who are hyper-independent and avoidant will sometimes use the term as a way to describe how they’re keeping people out,” says Earnshaw. “It promotes this idea that it’s OK for me to stay really distant, and to maybe not be as vulnerable with people I care about.”
