I’m not a practicing Catholic, but I do believe confession is good for the soul, so here’s mine: I have this weird (and well documented) thing for cornball Christmas specials.
Why? I blame the ‘80s. I spent about 43 percent of that decade watching TV. And with only four channels to choose from (my parents refused to get cable) I had to rely on whatever the networks aired and hope for the best.
Sadly, that hope was often misplaced, especially around the holidays when networks would broadcast very special holiday episodes that might as well have been cooked up by a nefarious cell of Santa-hating atheists, such was their power to make Christmas look lame.
And yet, as Alf is my witness, I loved them. No, I hated them. No, I loved them. No, I tolerated them. Anyway, here are my most memorable holiday special dumpster fires from years past. You’ll find, I think, a healthy mixture of horrible wonderfulness, beautiful misery, agony, and ecstasy. Happy holidays, kids.