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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Bertie wished his mom was dead so he could be king and never have to go to tutoring again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109626\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-slam-door-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Feodora was still shamelessly on her BS:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109628\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There was a very random gendered dance battle:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109623\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dance-off-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And mommy and daddy fought:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109624\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/break-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A lot:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/slap-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will the royal couple use their tried-and-true method of making up and create yet another baby? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The show does open with a couple bumping uglies, but it's not Victoria and Albert this time; it's Disney Princess and New Footman! If you thought they were taking way too many risks last episode with all that, um, \"wax-spilling\" in the linen closet, you'll probably have opinions about how they've now upgraded to boinking during Footman's daytime shift! They are both the Samantha of their respective friend groups and they don't care who knows it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109783\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/samantha-sex-and-the-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ho-ing it up is great fun and all, but a word of warning: The Season 2 Gays only made out once or twice and we all saw what happened to them. This will not end well!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if doom isn't about to smack the after-sex glow right off of them, Disney Princess and New Footman make plans to run off to California together. To be honest, I would watch that spin-off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"354\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg 354w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210-160x177.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 354px) 100vw, 354px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In way less exciting news, it's time for Albert to get a random new hobby that'll only last the length of one episode. Last week, it was redesigning a coin. This week, it's teaming up with some dude named Henry Cole to put on a glorified middle school science fair. Albert is so pumped about his new hobby that—in what might be a first—he cracks a joke!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I have never met a man with quite so much energy. If you want steam, get Cole!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-20490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, calling it a joke was generous. Here's hoping his next hobby isn't taking up stand-up comedy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Athens, Greece. Some British guy called Don Pacifico (you can't convince me this man isn't actually a Mexcian beer) was attacked. From what we see, it looks like the worst thing that happened was people came into his kitchen and threw his lemons on the ground.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lemon-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Regardless, Lord Pam is steaming mad and wants to send a message to the world: Don't Mess With \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: line-through\">Texas\u003c/span> The Fruit of British Subjects! He advocates for a naval blockade because Britain hasn't been embroiled in enough war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, New Footman walks through the kitchen while still getting dressed after his afternoon delight. When Mean Butler calls him out on his sloppiness, New Footman snaps back, \"My appearance has always upset you. Why should today be any different?\" He's really asking for a cruel fate, huh?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Mean Butler agrees to spy on the lovebirds for Disney Villain. What does he get in return? A tiny cup of wine and an even tinier leather ball sack filled with a few coins. What a cheap date!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, the lady-in-waiting who sexed up Lord Pam back in the day warns Disney Princess to be less of a Samantha and more of a Charlotte. She shares a story about a woman who had a \"criminal conversation\" with Lord M and ended up penniless and having her children taken away. Okay, how criminal are we talking here? Why wasn't this a storyline? We have time for Albert to be obsessed with trains and toilets, but no time for this juiciness? C'mon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109803\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/give-it-to-me-elsa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"172\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The British public freaks out over Albert and Cole's plan to host the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park. The papers call them the worst thing imaginable: TREE KILLER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1020x907.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1020x907.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-160x142.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-800x711.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-768x683.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1200x1067.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM.png 1550w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they're not the only ones being roasted by newspaper illustrators. Lord Pam is getting a lot of negative press for risking war over spilled milk, or in this case, spilled lemons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1020x786.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"385\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1020x786.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-160x123.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-800x617.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-768x592.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1200x925.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM.png 1518w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Victoria is getting her fair share of criticism for giving Lord Pam carte blanche. When Albert confronts her over this, Victoria hits back by saying she wants Xenadora to go home (um, not what we were talking about, but okay). She also says this: \"You're the one who's planning to humiliate the nation with this giant gingerbread house!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Take cover, everyone! Mommy and daddy are fighting and wishing divorce was a thing in the 19th century again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Victoria, I can tolerate Bertie because he is a child. You are a 30-year-old woman who still hasn't learned to play nicely.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"I am not a child, Albert!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Well, stop behaving like one!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yowzers! He didn't have to throw her age out there like that! I don't like to see them bicker like this, but there is a silver lining: being at each other's throats means they're not at each other's loins making Baby #8. And for that, I am thankful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria calls on Lord Pam to yell at him for doing the most with his blockade. Ever the deflecting expert, Lord Pam pretends Victoria is worried about the American pantaloon trend catching on with British women. That's enough of an excuse for me to remind everyone that Sybil was the best-dressed and coolest \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> character. That harem pants scene sparks joy and I'm keeping it in my brain forever and ever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109769\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sybil-downton-abbey-pants.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, did y'all know \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108102/downton-abbey-is-back-watch-the-first-movie-trailer\">there's a movie coming\u003c/a>?! Her ghost better be in it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I digress...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria reprimands Lord Pam for stirring things up internationally. The King of Greece is Albert's cousin, after all! Okay, another brief time-out. We as a culture are always comparing women, so let's even the score a bit and vote on who's cuter:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Prince Albert?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109788\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"680\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842.jpg 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842-160x218.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or his cousin, King Otto?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-1020x1265.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"620\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-1020x1265.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-160x199.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-800x993.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-768x953.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-967x1200.jpg 967w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You decide!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe class=\"qp_iframe\" src=\"https://www.poll-maker.com/frame2266906xeCd0F204-65\" seamless=\"seamless\" frameborder=\"no\" style=\"border:0; background:transparent; width:100%; height:269px;\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Glad that's settled. Moving on...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam tells Victoria that blood relatives sometimes suck and deserve to be blockaded. Victoria wonders if they can drop Xenadora into the English Channel and put a bunch of ships around her so she never comes back to the palace. But, based on how Victoria's last maritime adventure went...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-drowning.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...I'd advise Vic to stick to dry land.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Side note: R.I.P. Babyface Maid! I have not forgotten or forgiven that awful storyline! The writers did her as dirty as the water that gave her and her gestating baby cholera. Which reminds me that I need to get around to creating a White House petition to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"504\" height=\"283\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-768x432.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 504px) 100vw, 504px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Taking advice from Lord Pam, Victoria decides that if she can't beat Xenadora, she'll just grant her favors and hope for the best. All Xenadora wants for Christmas is for her 16-year-old daughter to be presented at court. Victoria is like, \u003cem>You have a daughter\u003c/em>? Okay, I'm starting to see why Xenadora might have an issue with her little sis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at New Footman and Disney Princess' Coital Cottage, Mean Butler watches through the window as the lovebirds have their first fight. Disney Princess is concerned that her husband knows about their affair, but New Footman is like, \u003cem>Don't worry about it! Last time I hooked up with my Duchess employer, her husband just paid me to leave. No biggie! \u003c/em>So he's used the skinny-dip-to-get-their-attention, hide-your-bits-behind-a-boat-and-then-reel-'em-in-with-a-look-and-a-smile technique before!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/turns-out-im-a-slut.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Feeling betrayed, Disney Princess runs away, but New Footman finds her that evening and explains: \u003cem>Sure, I slept with my boss lady to get ahead in life, but I pinky promise that I'm not using you! Wanna make out?\u003c/em> Because Disney Princess' standards are low after living with a monster for years, she immediately accepts this mediocre at best defense. Meanwhile, Mean Butler eyes his little glass of wine and his tiny coin sack, which turns out to only hold three coins. You're going to snitch and ruin lives for just three coins??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109792\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/choices-tatiana-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in Albert's study, this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, wanna be the Commander in Chief so that people stop calling you a tree killer?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I don't have time for nepotism right now! Can't you see I'm busy with my random new hobby?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And later:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, guess what? I'm planning on doing a favor for Xenadora. See? I'm nice again! I promise I won't slap you across the face or throw a drink in your face or break a skull sculpture again! Now can we start having sex again?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Xenadora pretend to like each other while shooting arrows at a target. They finally find common ground by realizing that they both hate their mother. Neat!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Did this scene remind anyone of the shooting scene from \u003cem>The Favourite\u003c/em> (which should have won this year's Best Picture Oscar, if you ask me!). I was waiting for something like this to happen:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109793\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/favourite-gunshot.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Parliament, Lord Pam gives a fancy speech and everyone forgets he almost got the country into a needless war over one guy getting jumped. Later, he rides through the park with Victoria and explains that it doesn't matter what the papers say, as long as you have tons of confidence and no shame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Bertie runs into Albert's study and says, \u003cem>Hey, dad! I can read! See, this headline says that you are bringing shame on our entire country! Yay, tutoring! \u003c/em>Albert dies a little inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different wing, Disney Princess gets a letter announcing that her son has come back from boarding school early. It's a trap! Don't go! On her way out, she and New Footman renew their vow to move to California together. Yeah, good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Victoria returns home, she finds out that Albert has given up on his hobby. She runs to tell him the news: It doesn't matter what newspapers say about them! They don't have to take in criticism! They're the ruling class and can do whatever they want!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Albert is taking an overly dramatic grumpy walk in the pouring rain. (That's exactly what I do when I can't build a multi-million dollar temporary structure that no one asked for.) Albert may or may not be crying, but he is most certainly having a full-blown existential crisis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/crying-rain-albert-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"426\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds him, apologizes for not believing in him and says, \"I married a dreamer, not a soldier!\" They embrace in the eye of the rainstorm.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kiss-rain.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em> already exists. Calm down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/notebook-rain-scene-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disney World, Disney Princess comes home to find that her kid is indeed home from boarding school. So it wasn't a trap? Good for her!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-you-had-me-nervous-lc-the-hills.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait a second! What's going on here? The maid rushes her son away. And Disney Villain appears with two doctors. He's putting Disney Princess in a loony bin!!! Beverly Hills 9021-Uh Oh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-lauren-conrad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Princess spits in Disney Villain's face as they drag her away. It's a full-circle moment. Remember when that memorable extra really put his back into spitting on her carriage window?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/rioter-spit-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, an architect figures out a way to build a glass exhibition hall that can house the world's coolest innovations without killing trees. Huzzah! Victoria and Albert celebrate by fooling around in bed, once again ensuring that the world will have an overpopulation problem.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Disney Villain.\u003c/strong> How dare he stand in the way of the 90210 prequel we deserve?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>The Newspaper Illustrator. \u003c/strong>So prolific. So shady. Keep up the good work!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Albert used her age as a weapon and fell asleep while she was talking. Both good reasons to throw another drink in his face, but she kept it cute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106345\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/you-know-what-that-is-growth-insecure-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: King Otto\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>For being way hotter than his cousin, Albert. I didn't want to sway the poll by mentioning my opinion, but now you know that Otto could get it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Abused Greek Lemons. \u003c/strong>They didn't deserve to be thrown to the ground like that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This episode will make you cheer on adultery and teach you not to mess with fruit that belongs to Brits.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Bertie wished his mom was dead so he could be king and never have to go to tutoring again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109626\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-slam-door-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Feodora was still shamelessly on her BS:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109628\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There was a very random gendered dance battle:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109623\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dance-off-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And mommy and daddy fought:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109624\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/break-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A lot:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/slap-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will the royal couple use their tried-and-true method of making up and create yet another baby? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The show does open with a couple bumping uglies, but it's not Victoria and Albert this time; it's Disney Princess and New Footman! If you thought they were taking way too many risks last episode with all that, um, \"wax-spilling\" in the linen closet, you'll probably have opinions about how they've now upgraded to boinking during Footman's daytime shift! They are both the Samantha of their respective friend groups and they don't care who knows it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109783\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/samantha-sex-and-the-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ho-ing it up is great fun and all, but a word of warning: The Season 2 Gays only made out once or twice and we all saw what happened to them. This will not end well!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if doom isn't about to smack the after-sex glow right off of them, Disney Princess and New Footman make plans to run off to California together. To be honest, I would watch that spin-off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"354\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg 354w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210-160x177.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 354px) 100vw, 354px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In way less exciting news, it's time for Albert to get a random new hobby that'll only last the length of one episode. Last week, it was redesigning a coin. This week, it's teaming up with some dude named Henry Cole to put on a glorified middle school science fair. Albert is so pumped about his new hobby that—in what might be a first—he cracks a joke!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I have never met a man with quite so much energy. If you want steam, get Cole!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-20490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, calling it a joke was generous. Here's hoping his next hobby isn't taking up stand-up comedy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Athens, Greece. Some British guy called Don Pacifico (you can't convince me this man isn't actually a Mexcian beer) was attacked. From what we see, it looks like the worst thing that happened was people came into his kitchen and threw his lemons on the ground.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lemon-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Regardless, Lord Pam is steaming mad and wants to send a message to the world: Don't Mess With \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: line-through\">Texas\u003c/span> The Fruit of British Subjects! He advocates for a naval blockade because Britain hasn't been embroiled in enough war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, New Footman walks through the kitchen while still getting dressed after his afternoon delight. When Mean Butler calls him out on his sloppiness, New Footman snaps back, \"My appearance has always upset you. Why should today be any different?\" He's really asking for a cruel fate, huh?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Mean Butler agrees to spy on the lovebirds for Disney Villain. What does he get in return? A tiny cup of wine and an even tinier leather ball sack filled with a few coins. What a cheap date!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, the lady-in-waiting who sexed up Lord Pam back in the day warns Disney Princess to be less of a Samantha and more of a Charlotte. She shares a story about a woman who had a \"criminal conversation\" with Lord M and ended up penniless and having her children taken away. Okay, how criminal are we talking here? Why wasn't this a storyline? We have time for Albert to be obsessed with trains and toilets, but no time for this juiciness? C'mon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109803\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/give-it-to-me-elsa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"172\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The British public freaks out over Albert and Cole's plan to host the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park. The papers call them the worst thing imaginable: TREE KILLER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1020x907.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1020x907.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-160x142.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-800x711.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-768x683.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1200x1067.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM.png 1550w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they're not the only ones being roasted by newspaper illustrators. Lord Pam is getting a lot of negative press for risking war over spilled milk, or in this case, spilled lemons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1020x786.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"385\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1020x786.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-160x123.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-800x617.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-768x592.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1200x925.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM.png 1518w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Victoria is getting her fair share of criticism for giving Lord Pam carte blanche. When Albert confronts her over this, Victoria hits back by saying she wants Xenadora to go home (um, not what we were talking about, but okay). She also says this: \"You're the one who's planning to humiliate the nation with this giant gingerbread house!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Take cover, everyone! Mommy and daddy are fighting and wishing divorce was a thing in the 19th century again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Victoria, I can tolerate Bertie because he is a child. You are a 30-year-old woman who still hasn't learned to play nicely.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"I am not a child, Albert!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Well, stop behaving like one!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yowzers! He didn't have to throw her age out there like that! I don't like to see them bicker like this, but there is a silver lining: being at each other's throats means they're not at each other's loins making Baby #8. And for that, I am thankful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria calls on Lord Pam to yell at him for doing the most with his blockade. Ever the deflecting expert, Lord Pam pretends Victoria is worried about the American pantaloon trend catching on with British women. That's enough of an excuse for me to remind everyone that Sybil was the best-dressed and coolest \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> character. That harem pants scene sparks joy and I'm keeping it in my brain forever and ever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109769\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sybil-downton-abbey-pants.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, did y'all know \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108102/downton-abbey-is-back-watch-the-first-movie-trailer\">there's a movie coming\u003c/a>?! Her ghost better be in it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I digress...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria reprimands Lord Pam for stirring things up internationally. The King of Greece is Albert's cousin, after all! Okay, another brief time-out. We as a culture are always comparing women, so let's even the score a bit and vote on who's cuter:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Prince Albert?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109788\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"680\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842.jpg 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842-160x218.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or his cousin, King Otto?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-1020x1265.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"620\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-1020x1265.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-160x199.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-800x993.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-768x953.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-967x1200.jpg 967w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You decide!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe class=\"qp_iframe\" src=\"https://www.poll-maker.com/frame2266906xeCd0F204-65\" seamless=\"seamless\" frameborder=\"no\" style=\"border:0; background:transparent; width:100%; height:269px;\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Glad that's settled. Moving on...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam tells Victoria that blood relatives sometimes suck and deserve to be blockaded. Victoria wonders if they can drop Xenadora into the English Channel and put a bunch of ships around her so she never comes back to the palace. But, based on how Victoria's last maritime adventure went...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-drowning.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...I'd advise Vic to stick to dry land.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Side note: R.I.P. Babyface Maid! I have not forgotten or forgiven that awful storyline! The writers did her as dirty as the water that gave her and her gestating baby cholera. Which reminds me that I need to get around to creating a White House petition to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"504\" height=\"283\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-768x432.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 504px) 100vw, 504px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Taking advice from Lord Pam, Victoria decides that if she can't beat Xenadora, she'll just grant her favors and hope for the best. All Xenadora wants for Christmas is for her 16-year-old daughter to be presented at court. Victoria is like, \u003cem>You have a daughter\u003c/em>? Okay, I'm starting to see why Xenadora might have an issue with her little sis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at New Footman and Disney Princess' Coital Cottage, Mean Butler watches through the window as the lovebirds have their first fight. Disney Princess is concerned that her husband knows about their affair, but New Footman is like, \u003cem>Don't worry about it! Last time I hooked up with my Duchess employer, her husband just paid me to leave. No biggie! \u003c/em>So he's used the skinny-dip-to-get-their-attention, hide-your-bits-behind-a-boat-and-then-reel-'em-in-with-a-look-and-a-smile technique before!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/turns-out-im-a-slut.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Feeling betrayed, Disney Princess runs away, but New Footman finds her that evening and explains: \u003cem>Sure, I slept with my boss lady to get ahead in life, but I pinky promise that I'm not using you! Wanna make out?\u003c/em> Because Disney Princess' standards are low after living with a monster for years, she immediately accepts this mediocre at best defense. Meanwhile, Mean Butler eyes his little glass of wine and his tiny coin sack, which turns out to only hold three coins. You're going to snitch and ruin lives for just three coins??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109792\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/choices-tatiana-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in Albert's study, this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, wanna be the Commander in Chief so that people stop calling you a tree killer?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I don't have time for nepotism right now! Can't you see I'm busy with my random new hobby?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And later:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, guess what? I'm planning on doing a favor for Xenadora. See? I'm nice again! I promise I won't slap you across the face or throw a drink in your face or break a skull sculpture again! Now can we start having sex again?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Xenadora pretend to like each other while shooting arrows at a target. They finally find common ground by realizing that they both hate their mother. Neat!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Did this scene remind anyone of the shooting scene from \u003cem>The Favourite\u003c/em> (which should have won this year's Best Picture Oscar, if you ask me!). I was waiting for something like this to happen:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109793\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/favourite-gunshot.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Parliament, Lord Pam gives a fancy speech and everyone forgets he almost got the country into a needless war over one guy getting jumped. Later, he rides through the park with Victoria and explains that it doesn't matter what the papers say, as long as you have tons of confidence and no shame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Bertie runs into Albert's study and says, \u003cem>Hey, dad! I can read! See, this headline says that you are bringing shame on our entire country! Yay, tutoring! \u003c/em>Albert dies a little inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different wing, Disney Princess gets a letter announcing that her son has come back from boarding school early. It's a trap! Don't go! On her way out, she and New Footman renew their vow to move to California together. Yeah, good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Victoria returns home, she finds out that Albert has given up on his hobby. She runs to tell him the news: It doesn't matter what newspapers say about them! They don't have to take in criticism! They're the ruling class and can do whatever they want!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Albert is taking an overly dramatic grumpy walk in the pouring rain. (That's exactly what I do when I can't build a multi-million dollar temporary structure that no one asked for.) Albert may or may not be crying, but he is most certainly having a full-blown existential crisis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/crying-rain-albert-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"426\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds him, apologizes for not believing in him and says, \"I married a dreamer, not a soldier!\" They embrace in the eye of the rainstorm.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kiss-rain.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em> already exists. Calm down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/notebook-rain-scene-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disney World, Disney Princess comes home to find that her kid is indeed home from boarding school. So it wasn't a trap? Good for her!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-you-had-me-nervous-lc-the-hills.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait a second! What's going on here? The maid rushes her son away. And Disney Villain appears with two doctors. He's putting Disney Princess in a loony bin!!! Beverly Hills 9021-Uh Oh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-lauren-conrad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Princess spits in Disney Villain's face as they drag her away. It's a full-circle moment. Remember when that memorable extra really put his back into spitting on her carriage window?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/rioter-spit-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, an architect figures out a way to build a glass exhibition hall that can house the world's coolest innovations without killing trees. Huzzah! Victoria and Albert celebrate by fooling around in bed, once again ensuring that the world will have an overpopulation problem.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Disney Villain.\u003c/strong> How dare he stand in the way of the 90210 prequel we deserve?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>The Newspaper Illustrator. \u003c/strong>So prolific. So shady. Keep up the good work!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Albert used her age as a weapon and fell asleep while she was talking. Both good reasons to throw another drink in his face, but she kept it cute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106345\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/you-know-what-that-is-growth-insecure-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: King Otto\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>For being way hotter than his cousin, Albert. I didn't want to sway the poll by mentioning my opinion, but now you know that Otto could get it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Abused Greek Lemons. \u003c/strong>They didn't deserve to be thrown to the ground like that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain",
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"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, yet another assassin tried to kill the Queen. Scary stuff, yet this guy was thoroughly entertained:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Villain continued to be the worst:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109295\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/boar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The writers used an aquatic vessel as a censor bar:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-800x474.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-768x455.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM.png 1380w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman's nose got really smooshed:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109300\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1200x670.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1920x1071.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM.png 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Victoria got pregnant for the gazillionth time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108898\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-penge-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"425\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this point, even her own children are starting to judge her for \u003cem>still\u003c/em> refusing to use protection.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"534\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg 534w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-520x390.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 534px) 100vw, 534px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How drawn out will this pregnancy storyline be? And what kind of ridiculous object will the writers plop in front of New Footman's bits this time? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blessed be! The stork has already delivered Baby #7! We get to skip sitting through another tiresome pregnancy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/veep-prayer-worked.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now we can focus on more important things!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like everyone sitting around looking at unexciting old selfies!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait, what?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109469\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/wow-this-is-boring.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Have you ever watched someone blankly scroll through their Instagram feed? Yeah, that apparently also happened in the 19th century too, but with rudimentary self-portrait sketches.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone points and laughs at a selfie of Victoria bathing one of her countless children. \u003cem>LOL! You nurtured your own child one time? What are you, a poor person?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nearby, Bertie is using all the time he once spent studying French and arithmetic on something new: learning whether all his marbles will fit up his little brother's nose. Victoria yells at him and thinks to herself:\u003cem> I should have used protection like that delightful recapper has continuously suggested since Season 1!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109471\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-told-you-so-colbert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"339\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vicky Jr. agrees with me and takes the words right out of my mouth: \"Is the new baby making her feel cross? I don't understand why she keeps getting them.\" It's truly a mystery.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*glances at my watch* Oh, would you look at the time! It's Albert-Gets-A-Random-New-Hobby o'clock! Trains, toilets, bullying that little African girl they adopted for a hot second last season, trying to make science happen at Cambridge, and now... redesigning a 10 pence coin. How thrilling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Almost as thrilling (i.e. not at all) as Uncle Leopold dropping by for a visit. His presence is actually fitting in this selfie-centric episode because remember last season when he gave Albert a locket with a picture of himself inside to apologize for secretly being his dad?\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101974\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I went on to turn his selfie locket apology into a meme every time he did something wrong, which was often.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101981\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101994\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It would be easier to tolerate Leopold's presence if he had brought along Ernst. Where has he been all season?? I want an update on how many more women he's given syphilis to!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98257\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/syphilis2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of people who have a hard (no pun intended) time keeping it in their pants, New Footman is holding a candelabra over Disney Princess, as she plays the piano. He doesn't understand why she's icing him out after their sexy frolic on the beach. Apparently, for Disney Princess, what happens in Ireland, stays in Ireland (no word on her stance on what happens in Vegas).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before New Footman can make any progress, Mean Butler shows up and says, \"Would you like me to arrange for an oil lamp by the piano, if there's not enough light? I'm worried that New Footman might spill wax on you.\" I'm no psychic, but I predict there will be a different kind of spillage between these two very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*runs over to the gutter to collect my mind*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don't judge me. I saw your mind in there too!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With all the almost revolutions and cholera outbreaks and assassination attempts, it's been a while since Victoria threw a rager, so she announces a ball celebrating the fashions of the last century. Disney Villain tells Disney Princess she would look beautiful if she dressed up as his grandmother. Wait, why is he being nice? Surely, there's a catch of some kind, but there's no time to investigate because Bertie lost his pet mouse and needs help finding it! You know who else had a pet mouse growing up? Michael Jackson. And look at how well he turned out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/too-soon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"247\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across Britain, paperboys scream, \u003cem>Extra! Extra! Someone hacked the Queen's iCloud account and leaked all her boring selfies! Read all about it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is outraged that the public will now imagine her stooping so low as to bathe her own children! The horror! She vows to sue the printer for treason... until everyone explains to her that that's not a thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109492\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/brain-wizard-of-oz.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in the park, Xenadora is trotting on a brand new horse while rocking a flashy new outfit. It seems as though she's making bank off of selling invitations to the ball. Don't hate the player, hate the game.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While all the other children attend their tutoring lessons and learn that an abacus is not a musical instrument nor something you put on your head, Bertie plays hooky with his pet mouse, Fievel Mousekewitz.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert catches him, Bertie screams, \"I hope mama dies soon so I can be king and I can do anything I want!\" Wow! It wasn't right when Cambridge Tutor Dude abused Bertie, but what about if we let an inanimate object—say, a swinging saloon door perhaps—do the dirty work for us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's going to leave a mark. No one ever said karma was gentle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, after overhearing Disney Princess telling everyone about her costume idea for the ball, New Footman warns her that Disney Villain's grandmother was famous for sleeping around, having her children taken away and committing suicide. \u003cem>It's a trap! Now let's make out so hard that my nose gets smooshed!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nose-window.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"405\" height=\"369\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert summons a phrenology expert to measure Bertie's skull and determine whether he is super duper dumb or just a little bit dumb. Prognosis: Super duper, with a side of inherited insanity, courtesy of his great grandfather, the mad King George. Not sure what they expected with all that incest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This episode has been pretty grim so far. What we need is a good old fashioned girls vs. boys dance off! Hit it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dance-off.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So random, yet so right. This show knows how to pull me back in (usually it's with skinny dipping, but this is cool too).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of getting naked, Disney Princess finds New Footman in the hallways and asks if he can help her with her \"rather constricting\" bodice. As you might imagine, New Footman's response is in the neighborhood of \u003cem>UM, HELL YEAH!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They duck into a linen closet and New Footman asks, \"Where exactly do you require my assistance.\" Disney Princess grabs his hand and puts it on her left boob. Okay then! Let the \"wax\" pouring begin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on the dance floor, Victoria notices two people who are actually having fun and immediately suspects they aren't aristocratic enough to be there. It doesn't take long before she realizes Xenadora has been selling invitations for sapphire tiaras and horses and other cool stuff. When Victoria confronts her, Xenadora tells her not to act like a washerwoman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things don't get any nicer from there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You have made me look ridiculous!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"I think that is all your own doing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You hate me, don't you?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-9518\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/11/Michelle-Tanner-Duh-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Finally, we get an explanation of Xenadora's motivations this entire season. Remember that time Xenadora was mistily gazing at the portrait of a king and Bertie called him fat? Well, he wanted to marry Xenadora, but Leopold married Xenadora off to some random drunk German so Victoria could be Queen instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess I would be a bit annoyed by that too. Let Xenadora have her nice things and secretly plot in the background of every scene! She's been through stuff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria is still in a mood, this time because some Latin phrase that says God is obsessed with her was left off her new 10 pence coin. She demands to know who is responsible for this oversight. Everyone points their finger in Albert's direction.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria bursts into his office and proceeds to yell about the coin and Xenadora not liking her and Bertie being dumb and how she knows Albert thinks she's dumb too. Albert calmly tells her she's being kind of crazy. Her rebuttal: Would a crazy person do THIS?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109484\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/break.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, yeah, I think they would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here's a suggestion. Translate \"If you can't beat 'em, act like a total brat and break something\" into Latin and put \u003cem>that\u003c/em> on a coin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The brattiness continues at Baby #7's christening. Victoria sees Albert and Xenadora having a good time, so she chugs a glass of champagne, storms up to them and announces: \u003cem>She's been selling invitations! Do you still like her better than me? Do you?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This naturally backfires. Alberts poses an important question: \"Why do you begrudge her the crumbs from your table?\" And then he makes a face that says,\u003cem> I already have seven children, please stop acting like the eighth.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Victoria can't stop, won't stop. She tells Xenadora she wants her to move out and then follows Albert into his office to whine some more about how Xenadora hates her. By this point, Albert has had it officially, so he says, \"I think your intellect is over-taxed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Would an over-taxed intellect do this?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/slap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why, yes. Yes, it would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Something about being smacked in the mouth inspires Albert to speak some hard truth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"When did you stop loving me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I do love you, just as I love the children.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"That's not what I meant.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I know, but it is all I have left.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Once more with feeling:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dejected, Victoria roams the halls, feeling sorry for herself, when she finds Bertie, also feeling sorry for himself 'cause he's lost Fievel again. They embrace on the ground and Bertie says, \"Papa doesn't love me anymore cause I'm stupid.\" Victoria thinks, \u003cem>That makes two of us.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109493\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/what-are-you-idiot-sandwich.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Sure, this is her show and all, but she's been really insufferable lately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67693\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67692\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Vicky Jr. \u003c/strong>She can be kind of a teacher's pet, but her saying \"I don't understand why she keeps getting them\" about Victoria's continuous pregnancies makes her a winner in my book.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Stork. \u003c/strong>For delivering Baby #7 between episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess and New Footman\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Congrats to them for finally getting to pour some wax. They deserve it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam. \u003c/strong>For wearing not one, not two, but THREE bows in his long white braid. Werk!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109498\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM.png 600w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM-160x152.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "The Queen throws a ball and everyone wigs out, literally and figuratively.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, yet another assassin tried to kill the Queen. Scary stuff, yet this guy was thoroughly entertained:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Villain continued to be the worst:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109295\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/boar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The writers used an aquatic vessel as a censor bar:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-800x474.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-768x455.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM.png 1380w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman's nose got really smooshed:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109300\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1200x670.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1920x1071.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM.png 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Victoria got pregnant for the gazillionth time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108898\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-penge-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"425\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this point, even her own children are starting to judge her for \u003cem>still\u003c/em> refusing to use protection.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"534\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg 534w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-520x390.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 534px) 100vw, 534px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How drawn out will this pregnancy storyline be? And what kind of ridiculous object will the writers plop in front of New Footman's bits this time? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blessed be! The stork has already delivered Baby #7! We get to skip sitting through another tiresome pregnancy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/veep-prayer-worked.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now we can focus on more important things!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like everyone sitting around looking at unexciting old selfies!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait, what?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109469\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/wow-this-is-boring.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Have you ever watched someone blankly scroll through their Instagram feed? Yeah, that apparently also happened in the 19th century too, but with rudimentary self-portrait sketches.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone points and laughs at a selfie of Victoria bathing one of her countless children. \u003cem>LOL! You nurtured your own child one time? What are you, a poor person?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nearby, Bertie is using all the time he once spent studying French and arithmetic on something new: learning whether all his marbles will fit up his little brother's nose. Victoria yells at him and thinks to herself:\u003cem> I should have used protection like that delightful recapper has continuously suggested since Season 1!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109471\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-told-you-so-colbert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"339\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vicky Jr. agrees with me and takes the words right out of my mouth: \"Is the new baby making her feel cross? I don't understand why she keeps getting them.\" It's truly a mystery.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*glances at my watch* Oh, would you look at the time! It's Albert-Gets-A-Random-New-Hobby o'clock! Trains, toilets, bullying that little African girl they adopted for a hot second last season, trying to make science happen at Cambridge, and now... redesigning a 10 pence coin. How thrilling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Almost as thrilling (i.e. not at all) as Uncle Leopold dropping by for a visit. His presence is actually fitting in this selfie-centric episode because remember last season when he gave Albert a locket with a picture of himself inside to apologize for secretly being his dad?\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101974\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I went on to turn his selfie locket apology into a meme every time he did something wrong, which was often.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101981\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101994\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It would be easier to tolerate Leopold's presence if he had brought along Ernst. Where has he been all season?? I want an update on how many more women he's given syphilis to!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98257\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/syphilis2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of people who have a hard (no pun intended) time keeping it in their pants, New Footman is holding a candelabra over Disney Princess, as she plays the piano. He doesn't understand why she's icing him out after their sexy frolic on the beach. Apparently, for Disney Princess, what happens in Ireland, stays in Ireland (no word on her stance on what happens in Vegas).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before New Footman can make any progress, Mean Butler shows up and says, \"Would you like me to arrange for an oil lamp by the piano, if there's not enough light? I'm worried that New Footman might spill wax on you.\" I'm no psychic, but I predict there will be a different kind of spillage between these two very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*runs over to the gutter to collect my mind*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don't judge me. I saw your mind in there too!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With all the almost revolutions and cholera outbreaks and assassination attempts, it's been a while since Victoria threw a rager, so she announces a ball celebrating the fashions of the last century. Disney Villain tells Disney Princess she would look beautiful if she dressed up as his grandmother. Wait, why is he being nice? Surely, there's a catch of some kind, but there's no time to investigate because Bertie lost his pet mouse and needs help finding it! You know who else had a pet mouse growing up? Michael Jackson. And look at how well he turned out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/too-soon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"247\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across Britain, paperboys scream, \u003cem>Extra! Extra! Someone hacked the Queen's iCloud account and leaked all her boring selfies! Read all about it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is outraged that the public will now imagine her stooping so low as to bathe her own children! The horror! She vows to sue the printer for treason... until everyone explains to her that that's not a thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109492\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/brain-wizard-of-oz.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in the park, Xenadora is trotting on a brand new horse while rocking a flashy new outfit. It seems as though she's making bank off of selling invitations to the ball. Don't hate the player, hate the game.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While all the other children attend their tutoring lessons and learn that an abacus is not a musical instrument nor something you put on your head, Bertie plays hooky with his pet mouse, Fievel Mousekewitz.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert catches him, Bertie screams, \"I hope mama dies soon so I can be king and I can do anything I want!\" Wow! It wasn't right when Cambridge Tutor Dude abused Bertie, but what about if we let an inanimate object—say, a swinging saloon door perhaps—do the dirty work for us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's going to leave a mark. No one ever said karma was gentle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, after overhearing Disney Princess telling everyone about her costume idea for the ball, New Footman warns her that Disney Villain's grandmother was famous for sleeping around, having her children taken away and committing suicide. \u003cem>It's a trap! Now let's make out so hard that my nose gets smooshed!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nose-window.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"405\" height=\"369\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert summons a phrenology expert to measure Bertie's skull and determine whether he is super duper dumb or just a little bit dumb. Prognosis: Super duper, with a side of inherited insanity, courtesy of his great grandfather, the mad King George. Not sure what they expected with all that incest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This episode has been pretty grim so far. What we need is a good old fashioned girls vs. boys dance off! Hit it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dance-off.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So random, yet so right. This show knows how to pull me back in (usually it's with skinny dipping, but this is cool too).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of getting naked, Disney Princess finds New Footman in the hallways and asks if he can help her with her \"rather constricting\" bodice. As you might imagine, New Footman's response is in the neighborhood of \u003cem>UM, HELL YEAH!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They duck into a linen closet and New Footman asks, \"Where exactly do you require my assistance.\" Disney Princess grabs his hand and puts it on her left boob. Okay then! Let the \"wax\" pouring begin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on the dance floor, Victoria notices two people who are actually having fun and immediately suspects they aren't aristocratic enough to be there. It doesn't take long before she realizes Xenadora has been selling invitations for sapphire tiaras and horses and other cool stuff. When Victoria confronts her, Xenadora tells her not to act like a washerwoman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things don't get any nicer from there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You have made me look ridiculous!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"I think that is all your own doing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You hate me, don't you?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-9518\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/11/Michelle-Tanner-Duh-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Finally, we get an explanation of Xenadora's motivations this entire season. Remember that time Xenadora was mistily gazing at the portrait of a king and Bertie called him fat? Well, he wanted to marry Xenadora, but Leopold married Xenadora off to some random drunk German so Victoria could be Queen instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess I would be a bit annoyed by that too. Let Xenadora have her nice things and secretly plot in the background of every scene! She's been through stuff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria is still in a mood, this time because some Latin phrase that says God is obsessed with her was left off her new 10 pence coin. She demands to know who is responsible for this oversight. Everyone points their finger in Albert's direction.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria bursts into his office and proceeds to yell about the coin and Xenadora not liking her and Bertie being dumb and how she knows Albert thinks she's dumb too. Albert calmly tells her she's being kind of crazy. Her rebuttal: Would a crazy person do THIS?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109484\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/break.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, yeah, I think they would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here's a suggestion. Translate \"If you can't beat 'em, act like a total brat and break something\" into Latin and put \u003cem>that\u003c/em> on a coin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The brattiness continues at Baby #7's christening. Victoria sees Albert and Xenadora having a good time, so she chugs a glass of champagne, storms up to them and announces: \u003cem>She's been selling invitations! Do you still like her better than me? Do you?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This naturally backfires. Alberts poses an important question: \"Why do you begrudge her the crumbs from your table?\" And then he makes a face that says,\u003cem> I already have seven children, please stop acting like the eighth.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Victoria can't stop, won't stop. She tells Xenadora she wants her to move out and then follows Albert into his office to whine some more about how Xenadora hates her. By this point, Albert has had it officially, so he says, \"I think your intellect is over-taxed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Would an over-taxed intellect do this?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/slap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why, yes. Yes, it would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Something about being smacked in the mouth inspires Albert to speak some hard truth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"When did you stop loving me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I do love you, just as I love the children.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"That's not what I meant.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I know, but it is all I have left.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Once more with feeling:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dejected, Victoria roams the halls, feeling sorry for herself, when she finds Bertie, also feeling sorry for himself 'cause he's lost Fievel again. They embrace on the ground and Bertie says, \"Papa doesn't love me anymore cause I'm stupid.\" Victoria thinks, \u003cem>That makes two of us.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109493\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/what-are-you-idiot-sandwich.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Sure, this is her show and all, but she's been really insufferable lately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67693\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67692\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Vicky Jr. \u003c/strong>She can be kind of a teacher's pet, but her saying \"I don't understand why she keeps getting them\" about Victoria's continuous pregnancies makes her a winner in my book.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Stork. \u003c/strong>For delivering Baby #7 between episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess and New Footman\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Congrats to them for finally getting to pour some wax. They deserve it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam. \u003c/strong>For wearing not one, not two, but THREE bows in his long white braid. Werk!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109498\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM.png 600w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM-160x152.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again",
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"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the writers obliterated our hearts by killing off Babyface Maid. That watching experience looked a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109307\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/depressed-wine-drinking-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will this week's episode involve Babyface Maid suddenly bolting out of bed and shouting, \"PSYCH!\"? Or maybe Hot Italian Chef will wake up and realize that all of episode four was just a really bad dream? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out the nightmare is unfortunately very real (see above sobbing wino gif). Things take another dark turn when Victoria and two of her bazillion kids are out for a carriage ride. An old lady cradling a baby reveals herself to actually be a pissed off Irish dude cradling a gun!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The guy on the left is like, \u003cem>Good luck, Victoria! I'm out of here!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109285\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, the guy in the middle is like, \u003cem>Can someone pass me some popcorn?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, the wannabe assassin is stopped and apprehended. Now that we know everyone is safe, allow me to share my ranking of all the wannabe assassins we've met over the past three seasons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Last place goes to Season 2 Wannabe Assassin. Remember him? Yeah, I didn't think so.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Second place goes to Season 1 Wannabe Assassin, who has probably already been reincarnated and won a season of \u003cem>Project Runway.\u003c/em> Just look at how he draped the fabric on his regicide-themed dress form!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"374\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-800x467.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-768x448.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-960x561.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-375x219.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-520x304.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And first place goes to this brand new assassin because he got gussied up in elder drag, which shows a high level of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. I look forward to seeing him compete on Season 12 of \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that that's cleared up, let's continue with the story...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up from the attempt on her life that she accidentally calls her new maid by Babyface Maid's name. Be right back, gotta go concern my neighbors with some more loud sobbing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/emma-stone-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"233\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. The new maid happens to be our old friend, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, who seems to have gotten over being duped by her traitorous crush Nine Fingers. When Victoria tells her that the Season 3 Wannabe Assassin was Irish, Jo blurts out \u003cem>Well, duh!\u003c/em> in the Queen's face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is confused: \u003cem>Surely, the Irish aren't still mad at me over the potato famine! That was so last season! \u003c/em>So Jo serves the Queen some real talk: \u003cem>Um, yeah, you could say the Irish are still upset about ONE MILLION of their compatriots dying unnecessarily. Oh, and P.S. they want to Irish goodbye right out of your kingdom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109291\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/irish-goodbye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"506\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert introduces the family to a dude he met at Cambridge who is going to help Bertie stop being so dumb. Vicky Jr. wants to know why she doesn't get a tutor too. Instead of explaining that a major tenet of the patriarchy is to keep women subjugated by depriving them of access to education, Albert opts for a simpler answer: \"You have your aunt Xenadora.\" Ah, what a comfort\u003cem> that\u003c/em> is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-victoria-scary-creepy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the writers want to distract us from the fact that they BRUTALLY KILLED OFF BABYFACE MAID FOR NO REASON, we're off on another road trip (I'll be more amenable to forgiveness if there's more skinny dipping, just saying).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This time, the gang is heading to Ireland so that the Queen can show her face and be like, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Sorry about the potato thing! Now, will you stop trying to kill me? Also, does Bono live around here?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they arrive, they don't run into any members of U2 but do meet up with Lord Pam's wife. Here's the 411 on her (according to \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Temple,_Viscountess_Palmerston\">her Wikipedia page\u003c/a>):\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Her brother was none other than Lord M.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her first husband was kind of a dud, so she cheated on him A LOT.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her favorite side-piece was Lord Pam.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Once Hubby #1 kicked the bucket, she got hitched to Lord Pam at the ripe age of 52 (Stella got her groove back!).\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her five children were allegedly fathered by Hubby #1, but rumor has it that one was Lord Pam's and another belonged to \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlo_Andrea_Pozzo_di_Borgo\">a Corsican dude with a thing for Russia\u003c/a>.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Oh, yeah, and she was a beekeeper!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109292\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/beekeeper-lord-pam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What an outfit!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109293\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/beekeeper-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Lord Pam's mansion, everyone sits for a meal and Disney Villain shares his thoughts on how women are all idiots, especially Disney Princess. New Footman briefly considers murdering Disney Villain with a tiny pair of scissors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109294\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/scissors-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam calls Disney Villain a boar, so he does this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109295\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/boar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone wishes they had tiny scissors on hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert finds out what we already know thanks to Wikipedia: one of Lady Pam's daughters from her previous marriage looks an awful lot like Lord Pam. Because Albert isn't wearing any pearls to clutch, he settles for verbally expressing his shock: \"Dear God, we are among barbarians!\" Um, Al? You married your first cousin. You can get off your high horse now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dark hallway, New Footman seductively whispers to Disney Princess: \"Listen close, your grace. You can hear those waves.\" The skinny dip probability meter just went way up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109296\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/pull-your-pants-down.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the royal bedroom, Victoria and Albert are fighting again. You know who can't get into stupid fights with their spouse anymore? Babyface Maid! Because she's dead! Life is short! Get over the petty BS! Quit being brats! Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite my impassioned overuse of exclamation points, they continue bickering. Albert tells Victoria that both he and Xenadora think that she's been making terrible choices since giving birth to Baby #6. This does not go over well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"I don't shed a part of my brain every time I have a baby! Dear God, Albert, what has she been saying to you? I was speaking tonight and you rolled your eyes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You were not meant to see that.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oof, this is painful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time to check in on what weird stuff Xenadora is up to back in London. Oh, nothing major, just pressuring the kids to drink alcohol with their breakfast.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109298\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/happy-hour-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109297\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/im-not-a-regular-mom-im-a-cool-mom.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"234\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Ireland, Lady Pam blows Victoria's mind by detailing how she and Lord Pam are in an open relationship and that, when the beehive is a-rockin', they agree not to come a-knockin'. Victoria thinks to herself, \u003cem>Well, if Albert keeps up this bratty thing, maybe Baby #7 can be fathered by someone else (perhaps even someone I'm not related to!).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the beach, Disney Princess is on a stroll, thinking about where she can get a pair of tiny scissors when she runs into a naked post-skinny-dip New Footman! Bingo! The \"Field Trip = Nudity\" formula never fails on this show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-800x474.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-768x455.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM.png 1380w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is that a boat on its side or are you just happy to see me?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The correct answer is both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman eventually gets dressed, but from the thirsty look on Disney Princess' face, she's already undressing him again with her eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109308\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/undressing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They get to talking about how both of them find themselves without power, he with an abusive boss and she with an abusive husband. Not one to waste any time 'cause people are known to CONTRACT CHOLERA AND SUDDENLY DIE AROUND HERE (still bitter about it, can you tell?), Disney Princess says, \"I should like you to kiss me.\" New Footman proves that he has game by saying, \"I offer you love, Disney Princess. Nothing less.\" Then they make out at long last, and New Footman's nose gets very squished!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109300\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"335\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1200x670.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1920x1071.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM.png 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the mansion, Victoria wakes up from a nap and pukes. Hope y'all enjoyed the one or two episodes this season without a pregnancy because Baby #7 is already on the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109301\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/push-computer-away-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Lord Pam tells Disney Princess that he knows she has \"an itch\" and that she shouldn't let a poor person scratch it. Too late!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109302\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cat-scratching-another-cat_o_679990.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, the gang continues onto Dublin where Victoria has to befriend a Catholic cardinal. Their interaction goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, my bad about the famine and not dropping by sooner. We cool? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cardinal:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I guess so, yeah. Hey, look, I got you a bird. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's nice, but I don't want it. *opens cage and lets bird fly away* Bye, bird!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>War between Catholics and Protestants: postponed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward and the gang arrives back in London to discover that Bertie learned French while they were away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria also discovers that he has something that looks like a rash on his wrist. OMG, is Xenadora not only getting the children drunk, but abusing them too? Say it ain't so! I prefer her to stay creepy and sneaky, yet harmless.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disneyworld, Disney Princess finds some leftover sand in her traveling hat. She sensually uses it to exfoliate her lips because everyone on this show is a little bit of a weirdo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109303\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/exfoliate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unbeknownst to her, Disney Villain sees the whole thing and marches over to some playboy club to threaten Lord Pam over bedding his wife. Despite me chanting \"Fight! Fight! Fight!\" at my screen, all that happens is Disney Villain drops a glass on the ground. Step it up, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers! The boys on \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> put each other's heads into roaring fireplaces, attempt to thumb each other's eyes out and throw coins in each other's faces!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Jo informs Victoria that she should be concerned about Bertie. Cut to Victoria catching Cambridge Tutor Dude as he's abusing Bertie! We don't get to see what his punishment is, but I'm gonna guess that tiny scissors are involved.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert is beside himself over the abuse, but manages to focus on a silver lining: \"Thank God we have no more children for me to damage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria doesn't waste any time bursting that bubble with news of Baby #7. Albert looks like he isn't sure if he's going to cry or puke or both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109305\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/puke.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Same, bro. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Cambridge Tutor Dude.\u003c/strong> I'm not a huge fan of kids either, which is why my job doesn't involve spending all my time with them. This guy needs to get some therapy and then get another job... if he isn't already in a shallow grave with a tiny pair of royal songs scissors in his chest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Albert. \u003c/strong>He hates how fertile he and Victoria are almost as much as I do, and for that, he deserves a little something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>ANOTHER HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie. \u003c/strong>He survived child abuse and now has a pretty great excuse to get out of learning anything ever again. Back to using the abacus as a percussion instrument!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Lady Pam. \u003c/strong>A master class in having your cake and eating it too. Baby daddies: collect them all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Whoever Decided to Put a Huge Boat in Front of New Footman's Twig and Berries\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Who needs a censor bar when you've got aquatic vessels?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Hot Italian Chef\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Yeah, I know he wasn't in this episode, but I don't care. He deserves all the nice things and I hope he's hanging in there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the writers obliterated our hearts by killing off Babyface Maid. That watching experience looked a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109307\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/depressed-wine-drinking-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will this week's episode involve Babyface Maid suddenly bolting out of bed and shouting, \"PSYCH!\"? Or maybe Hot Italian Chef will wake up and realize that all of episode four was just a really bad dream? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out the nightmare is unfortunately very real (see above sobbing wino gif). Things take another dark turn when Victoria and two of her bazillion kids are out for a carriage ride. An old lady cradling a baby reveals herself to actually be a pissed off Irish dude cradling a gun!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The guy on the left is like, \u003cem>Good luck, Victoria! I'm out of here!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109285\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, the guy in the middle is like, \u003cem>Can someone pass me some popcorn?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, the wannabe assassin is stopped and apprehended. Now that we know everyone is safe, allow me to share my ranking of all the wannabe assassins we've met over the past three seasons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Last place goes to Season 2 Wannabe Assassin. Remember him? Yeah, I didn't think so.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Second place goes to Season 1 Wannabe Assassin, who has probably already been reincarnated and won a season of \u003cem>Project Runway.\u003c/em> Just look at how he draped the fabric on his regicide-themed dress form!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"374\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-800x467.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-768x448.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-960x561.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-375x219.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-520x304.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And first place goes to this brand new assassin because he got gussied up in elder drag, which shows a high level of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. I look forward to seeing him compete on Season 12 of \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that that's cleared up, let's continue with the story...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up from the attempt on her life that she accidentally calls her new maid by Babyface Maid's name. Be right back, gotta go concern my neighbors with some more loud sobbing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/emma-stone-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"233\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. The new maid happens to be our old friend, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, who seems to have gotten over being duped by her traitorous crush Nine Fingers. When Victoria tells her that the Season 3 Wannabe Assassin was Irish, Jo blurts out \u003cem>Well, duh!\u003c/em> in the Queen's face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is confused: \u003cem>Surely, the Irish aren't still mad at me over the potato famine! That was so last season! \u003c/em>So Jo serves the Queen some real talk: \u003cem>Um, yeah, you could say the Irish are still upset about ONE MILLION of their compatriots dying unnecessarily. Oh, and P.S. they want to Irish goodbye right out of your kingdom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109291\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/irish-goodbye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"506\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert introduces the family to a dude he met at Cambridge who is going to help Bertie stop being so dumb. Vicky Jr. wants to know why she doesn't get a tutor too. Instead of explaining that a major tenet of the patriarchy is to keep women subjugated by depriving them of access to education, Albert opts for a simpler answer: \"You have your aunt Xenadora.\" Ah, what a comfort\u003cem> that\u003c/em> is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-victoria-scary-creepy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the writers want to distract us from the fact that they BRUTALLY KILLED OFF BABYFACE MAID FOR NO REASON, we're off on another road trip (I'll be more amenable to forgiveness if there's more skinny dipping, just saying).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This time, the gang is heading to Ireland so that the Queen can show her face and be like, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Sorry about the potato thing! Now, will you stop trying to kill me? Also, does Bono live around here?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they arrive, they don't run into any members of U2 but do meet up with Lord Pam's wife. Here's the 411 on her (according to \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Temple,_Viscountess_Palmerston\">her Wikipedia page\u003c/a>):\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Her brother was none other than Lord M.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her first husband was kind of a dud, so she cheated on him A LOT.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her favorite side-piece was Lord Pam.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Once Hubby #1 kicked the bucket, she got hitched to Lord Pam at the ripe age of 52 (Stella got her groove back!).\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her five children were allegedly fathered by Hubby #1, but rumor has it that one was Lord Pam's and another belonged to \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlo_Andrea_Pozzo_di_Borgo\">a Corsican dude with a thing for Russia\u003c/a>.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Oh, yeah, and she was a beekeeper!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109292\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/beekeeper-lord-pam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What an outfit!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109293\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/beekeeper-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Lord Pam's mansion, everyone sits for a meal and Disney Villain shares his thoughts on how women are all idiots, especially Disney Princess. New Footman briefly considers murdering Disney Villain with a tiny pair of scissors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109294\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/scissors-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam calls Disney Villain a boar, so he does this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109295\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/boar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone wishes they had tiny scissors on hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert finds out what we already know thanks to Wikipedia: one of Lady Pam's daughters from her previous marriage looks an awful lot like Lord Pam. Because Albert isn't wearing any pearls to clutch, he settles for verbally expressing his shock: \"Dear God, we are among barbarians!\" Um, Al? You married your first cousin. You can get off your high horse now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dark hallway, New Footman seductively whispers to Disney Princess: \"Listen close, your grace. You can hear those waves.\" The skinny dip probability meter just went way up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109296\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/pull-your-pants-down.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the royal bedroom, Victoria and Albert are fighting again. You know who can't get into stupid fights with their spouse anymore? Babyface Maid! Because she's dead! Life is short! Get over the petty BS! Quit being brats! Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite my impassioned overuse of exclamation points, they continue bickering. Albert tells Victoria that both he and Xenadora think that she's been making terrible choices since giving birth to Baby #6. This does not go over well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"I don't shed a part of my brain every time I have a baby! Dear God, Albert, what has she been saying to you? I was speaking tonight and you rolled your eyes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You were not meant to see that.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oof, this is painful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time to check in on what weird stuff Xenadora is up to back in London. Oh, nothing major, just pressuring the kids to drink alcohol with their breakfast.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109298\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/happy-hour-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109297\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/im-not-a-regular-mom-im-a-cool-mom.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"234\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Ireland, Lady Pam blows Victoria's mind by detailing how she and Lord Pam are in an open relationship and that, when the beehive is a-rockin', they agree not to come a-knockin'. Victoria thinks to herself, \u003cem>Well, if Albert keeps up this bratty thing, maybe Baby #7 can be fathered by someone else (perhaps even someone I'm not related to!).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the beach, Disney Princess is on a stroll, thinking about where she can get a pair of tiny scissors when she runs into a naked post-skinny-dip New Footman! Bingo! The \"Field Trip = Nudity\" formula never fails on this show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-800x474.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-768x455.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM.png 1380w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is that a boat on its side or are you just happy to see me?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The correct answer is both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman eventually gets dressed, but from the thirsty look on Disney Princess' face, she's already undressing him again with her eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109308\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/undressing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They get to talking about how both of them find themselves without power, he with an abusive boss and she with an abusive husband. Not one to waste any time 'cause people are known to CONTRACT CHOLERA AND SUDDENLY DIE AROUND HERE (still bitter about it, can you tell?), Disney Princess says, \"I should like you to kiss me.\" New Footman proves that he has game by saying, \"I offer you love, Disney Princess. Nothing less.\" Then they make out at long last, and New Footman's nose gets very squished!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109300\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"335\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1200x670.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1920x1071.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM.png 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the mansion, Victoria wakes up from a nap and pukes. Hope y'all enjoyed the one or two episodes this season without a pregnancy because Baby #7 is already on the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109301\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/push-computer-away-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Lord Pam tells Disney Princess that he knows she has \"an itch\" and that she shouldn't let a poor person scratch it. Too late!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109302\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cat-scratching-another-cat_o_679990.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, the gang continues onto Dublin where Victoria has to befriend a Catholic cardinal. Their interaction goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, my bad about the famine and not dropping by sooner. We cool? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cardinal:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I guess so, yeah. Hey, look, I got you a bird. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's nice, but I don't want it. *opens cage and lets bird fly away* Bye, bird!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>War between Catholics and Protestants: postponed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward and the gang arrives back in London to discover that Bertie learned French while they were away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria also discovers that he has something that looks like a rash on his wrist. OMG, is Xenadora not only getting the children drunk, but abusing them too? Say it ain't so! I prefer her to stay creepy and sneaky, yet harmless.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disneyworld, Disney Princess finds some leftover sand in her traveling hat. She sensually uses it to exfoliate her lips because everyone on this show is a little bit of a weirdo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109303\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/exfoliate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unbeknownst to her, Disney Villain sees the whole thing and marches over to some playboy club to threaten Lord Pam over bedding his wife. Despite me chanting \"Fight! Fight! Fight!\" at my screen, all that happens is Disney Villain drops a glass on the ground. Step it up, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers! The boys on \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> put each other's heads into roaring fireplaces, attempt to thumb each other's eyes out and throw coins in each other's faces!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Jo informs Victoria that she should be concerned about Bertie. Cut to Victoria catching Cambridge Tutor Dude as he's abusing Bertie! We don't get to see what his punishment is, but I'm gonna guess that tiny scissors are involved.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert is beside himself over the abuse, but manages to focus on a silver lining: \"Thank God we have no more children for me to damage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria doesn't waste any time bursting that bubble with news of Baby #7. Albert looks like he isn't sure if he's going to cry or puke or both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109305\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/puke.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Same, bro. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Cambridge Tutor Dude.\u003c/strong> I'm not a huge fan of kids either, which is why my job doesn't involve spending all my time with them. This guy needs to get some therapy and then get another job... if he isn't already in a shallow grave with a tiny pair of royal songs scissors in his chest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Albert. \u003c/strong>He hates how fertile he and Victoria are almost as much as I do, and for that, he deserves a little something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>ANOTHER HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie. \u003c/strong>He survived child abuse and now has a pretty great excuse to get out of learning anything ever again. Back to using the abacus as a percussion instrument!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Lady Pam. \u003c/strong>A master class in having your cake and eating it too. Baby daddies: collect them all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Whoever Decided to Put a Huge Boat in Front of New Footman's Twig and Berries\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Who needs a censor bar when you've got aquatic vessels?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Hot Italian Chef\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Yeah, I know he wasn't in this episode, but I don't care. He deserves all the nice things and I hope he's hanging in there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Disney Princess was all over Lord Pam and got brutally rebuffed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-off-me-lord-pam-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Guess she'll have to cheat on her husband with someone else. #RichWhiteLadyProblems!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid resigned so she can live happily ever after with Hot Italian Chef and his chest hair, but Victoria was not happy for her, maybe because her husband doesn't have luscious locks on his pecs? There's always the Magic Marker fix!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-albert-chest-hair-shirtless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, yeah, and Victoria turned into a cast member of \u003cem>The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace\u003c/em> and threw a drink in Albert's face in front of everyone, and now they're not on speaking terms.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-throw-water-albert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will they have makeup sex and get pregnant for the 9,302nd time? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>War has broken out! No, not between Britain and some other country (although, knowing how Britain rolls, that should be coming along shortly), but between Victoria and Albert.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because neither of them is musical enough to craft cutting diss tracks about each other, they settle for sending passive-aggressive notes back and forth via servants. That makeup sex I mentioned earlier? Probably not happening any time soon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Part of their disagreement has to do with Bertie's refusal to be smart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria's take:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sure, I almost drowned\u003c/em> \u003cem>last episode because I never got the memo that humans can't breathe underwater, but I still don't see why it's so important to know things.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert's take: \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109063\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/read-a-book2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if Albert needed any more ammo, Bertie walks in to show how he's coming along with solving math problems on his abacus:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109067\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-abacus.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"324\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109068\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/facepalm-judge-judy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate part of the palace, New Footman runs into Disney Princess and thanks her for saving his skinny-dipping butt from getting fired. We are one scene closer to these two tongue-wrestling!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of which, that's exactly what Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are doing in their new inn. But not for long. Hot Italian Chef suggests they change the name from Seven Dials Inn to The Palace. It's the kind of joke that's not wildly hilarious, but you laugh anyway because... well, just look at him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, Babyface Maid has become accustomed to his hotness though because she takes his harmless little joke the wrong way and bolts out of bed, leaving his chest hair behind. Your loss, sweetie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the palace, Victoria receives a letter from Babyface Maid. Is she already asking for her job back? Who knows! Victoria throws it into a drawer unopened. She's still livid that Babyface Maid had the gall to want something more from life than an eternity of silently brushing hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Never missing an opportunity to creepily advocate for herself, Xenadora puts her face uncomfortably close to Victoria's and says, \"Don't worry. I will never desert you\", followed by a chilling giggle. Sounds nice on paper; sounds like a threat in person.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-victoria-scary-creepy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, as if operating from the same sociopath handbook, Disney Villain puts his face uncomfortably close to Disney Princess' and says, \"Remember, everything you're fond of belongs to me!\" Wow. So, with what's happening between Vic and Al, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid, and these two, the theme of this episode is clearly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109080\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"507\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding.jpg 634w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding-160x180.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 450px) 100vw, 450px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because there isn't enough drama going on already, cholera is spreading across London and children's corpses are being carted through the streets. Victoria visits a hospital to witness the devastation first-hand. It's very sad, don't get me wrong, but one of the nurses has a cute pet baby owl that she found at the Parthenon in Athens and that's all I can focus on right now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109100\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1020x826.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"518\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1020x826.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-800x648.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-768x622.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1200x972.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs.jpg 1296w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The nurse shares her theories about cholera not being contagious and then casually identifies herself as Florence Nightingale, no big deal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because it's been a while since Albert has had a hobby (remember his obsessions with toilets and trains?), he decides that his next mission will be to march up to Cambridge University and make them care about science. His TedTalk titled \"Science Rules, Creationism Drools\" is met with the kind of faces one makes when smelling a stranger's sour fart in an elevator.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/andy-samberg-fart-smell.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the Seven Dials Inn (whose name we never ever joke about), Babyface Maid isn't mad at Hot Italian Chef anymore... because she's pregnant with his baby! The show writers every episode:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109099\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oprah-you-get-a-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"406\" height=\"276\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Disney Princess gets a message from Disney Villain that she must go home at once so he can whisper unprompted threats next to her face. New Footman offers to tell him to f*ck off. Disney Princess thinks that's a grand idea.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria wants to get to the bottom of what's causing all this cholera and requests to speak to a shy doctor with a lisp she briefly met once. Prime Minister Pushover doesn't think that's a good idea: \"You should know that he is seen by the medical establishment as an eccentric. I hear he doesn't eat meat... or fish!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As a vegetarian myself, I can say that this is how haters see us:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109102\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/veggie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"232\" height=\"163\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And this is how we see ourselves:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/vegetarian.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the inn, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid host a little get-together to celebrate the inn opening. They toast to their good fortune and to Half-Italian Babyface Jr. Everything is going so well and there isn't a care in the world... until Babyface Maid feels an intense pain in her stomach. I think I know where this is headed and I DO NOT LIKE IT. DON'T DO THIS, \u003cem>VICTORIA\u003c/em> WRITERS. I MEAN IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-will-cut-you-suzanne-orange-is-the-new-black.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, New Footman and Disney Princess continue to flirt at a glacial pace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \"You weren't at dinner. It was very quiet.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"Is my voice so loud?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \"...when it's the only thing I hear.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm feeling equal parts, this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\">And this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Vegetarian Doctor drops by the palace and shares his cholera theory with Victoria:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109111\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/conspiracy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"168\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He believes the source is a contaminated water pump in Soho and that women and children are the ones most affected because they actually drink water, unlike men who are too busy chugging beer to hydrate properly. Oh, and the water pump is also used to create tonics like the one Babyface Maid picked up to help with her pregnancy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dont-do-this-to-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Babyface Maid hallucinating in her bed. She thinks she's still at the palace and about to get in trouble with Mean Butler. I HATE THIS. Grim Reaper, stay back!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/buffy-cross.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"160\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109114\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-away-from-her-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"258\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Albert winning a very close race to become Cambridge Chancellor or something and...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, you know what? I don't care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the inn, Victoria is now at Babyface Maid's bedside. A delirious Babyface Maid wakes up and says, \"Do you want me to do your hair, Ma'am?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109115\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sobbing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"403\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vegetarian Doctor can't do anything because it's the 19th century and no one knows shit about anything. Victoria leaves 'cause she can't stand to watch Babyface Maid die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106653\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/why-conan-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Babyface Maid is alert enough to tell Hot Italian Chef: \"I should have married you sooner. It wasn't long, but it meant everything.\" Then she takes her last breath and Hot Italian Chef says, \"Nancy? Nancy?\" before sobbing uncontrollably next to her dead body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/somebody-sedate-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up by this reminder that life is super short that she calls off her stupid fight with Albert. They have makeup sex and probably make another baby. But who cares about them? Babyface Maid is dead and I will never forgive the writers. I'm done.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-37954\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"272\">\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE, ALL OF THE THINGS: Babyface Maid\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>I hope the clouds in heaven are made out of Hot Italian Chef's chest hair. Say hi to Dash for me. Now I will proceed to blast this song so my neighbors don't hear me crying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKMtZm2YuBE\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This week, we learn once again that the writers of this show don't give a damn about our feelings.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Disney Princess was all over Lord Pam and got brutally rebuffed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-off-me-lord-pam-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Guess she'll have to cheat on her husband with someone else. #RichWhiteLadyProblems!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid resigned so she can live happily ever after with Hot Italian Chef and his chest hair, but Victoria was not happy for her, maybe because her husband doesn't have luscious locks on his pecs? There's always the Magic Marker fix!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-albert-chest-hair-shirtless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, yeah, and Victoria turned into a cast member of \u003cem>The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace\u003c/em> and threw a drink in Albert's face in front of everyone, and now they're not on speaking terms.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-throw-water-albert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will they have makeup sex and get pregnant for the 9,302nd time? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>War has broken out! No, not between Britain and some other country (although, knowing how Britain rolls, that should be coming along shortly), but between Victoria and Albert.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because neither of them is musical enough to craft cutting diss tracks about each other, they settle for sending passive-aggressive notes back and forth via servants. That makeup sex I mentioned earlier? Probably not happening any time soon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Part of their disagreement has to do with Bertie's refusal to be smart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria's take:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sure, I almost drowned\u003c/em> \u003cem>last episode because I never got the memo that humans can't breathe underwater, but I still don't see why it's so important to know things.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert's take: \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109063\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/read-a-book2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if Albert needed any more ammo, Bertie walks in to show how he's coming along with solving math problems on his abacus:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109067\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-abacus.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"324\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109068\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/facepalm-judge-judy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate part of the palace, New Footman runs into Disney Princess and thanks her for saving his skinny-dipping butt from getting fired. We are one scene closer to these two tongue-wrestling!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of which, that's exactly what Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are doing in their new inn. But not for long. Hot Italian Chef suggests they change the name from Seven Dials Inn to The Palace. It's the kind of joke that's not wildly hilarious, but you laugh anyway because... well, just look at him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, Babyface Maid has become accustomed to his hotness though because she takes his harmless little joke the wrong way and bolts out of bed, leaving his chest hair behind. Your loss, sweetie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the palace, Victoria receives a letter from Babyface Maid. Is she already asking for her job back? Who knows! Victoria throws it into a drawer unopened. She's still livid that Babyface Maid had the gall to want something more from life than an eternity of silently brushing hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Never missing an opportunity to creepily advocate for herself, Xenadora puts her face uncomfortably close to Victoria's and says, \"Don't worry. I will never desert you\", followed by a chilling giggle. Sounds nice on paper; sounds like a threat in person.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-victoria-scary-creepy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, as if operating from the same sociopath handbook, Disney Villain puts his face uncomfortably close to Disney Princess' and says, \"Remember, everything you're fond of belongs to me!\" Wow. So, with what's happening between Vic and Al, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid, and these two, the theme of this episode is clearly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109080\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"507\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding.jpg 634w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding-160x180.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 450px) 100vw, 450px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because there isn't enough drama going on already, cholera is spreading across London and children's corpses are being carted through the streets. Victoria visits a hospital to witness the devastation first-hand. It's very sad, don't get me wrong, but one of the nurses has a cute pet baby owl that she found at the Parthenon in Athens and that's all I can focus on right now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109100\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1020x826.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"518\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1020x826.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-800x648.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-768x622.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1200x972.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs.jpg 1296w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The nurse shares her theories about cholera not being contagious and then casually identifies herself as Florence Nightingale, no big deal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because it's been a while since Albert has had a hobby (remember his obsessions with toilets and trains?), he decides that his next mission will be to march up to Cambridge University and make them care about science. His TedTalk titled \"Science Rules, Creationism Drools\" is met with the kind of faces one makes when smelling a stranger's sour fart in an elevator.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/andy-samberg-fart-smell.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the Seven Dials Inn (whose name we never ever joke about), Babyface Maid isn't mad at Hot Italian Chef anymore... because she's pregnant with his baby! The show writers every episode:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109099\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oprah-you-get-a-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"406\" height=\"276\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Disney Princess gets a message from Disney Villain that she must go home at once so he can whisper unprompted threats next to her face. New Footman offers to tell him to f*ck off. Disney Princess thinks that's a grand idea.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria wants to get to the bottom of what's causing all this cholera and requests to speak to a shy doctor with a lisp she briefly met once. Prime Minister Pushover doesn't think that's a good idea: \"You should know that he is seen by the medical establishment as an eccentric. I hear he doesn't eat meat... or fish!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As a vegetarian myself, I can say that this is how haters see us:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109102\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/veggie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"232\" height=\"163\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And this is how we see ourselves:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/vegetarian.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the inn, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid host a little get-together to celebrate the inn opening. They toast to their good fortune and to Half-Italian Babyface Jr. Everything is going so well and there isn't a care in the world... until Babyface Maid feels an intense pain in her stomach. I think I know where this is headed and I DO NOT LIKE IT. DON'T DO THIS, \u003cem>VICTORIA\u003c/em> WRITERS. I MEAN IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-will-cut-you-suzanne-orange-is-the-new-black.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, New Footman and Disney Princess continue to flirt at a glacial pace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \"You weren't at dinner. It was very quiet.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"Is my voice so loud?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \"...when it's the only thing I hear.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm feeling equal parts, this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\">And this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Vegetarian Doctor drops by the palace and shares his cholera theory with Victoria:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109111\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/conspiracy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"168\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He believes the source is a contaminated water pump in Soho and that women and children are the ones most affected because they actually drink water, unlike men who are too busy chugging beer to hydrate properly. Oh, and the water pump is also used to create tonics like the one Babyface Maid picked up to help with her pregnancy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dont-do-this-to-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Babyface Maid hallucinating in her bed. She thinks she's still at the palace and about to get in trouble with Mean Butler. I HATE THIS. Grim Reaper, stay back!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/buffy-cross.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"160\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109114\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-away-from-her-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"258\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Albert winning a very close race to become Cambridge Chancellor or something and...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, you know what? I don't care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the inn, Victoria is now at Babyface Maid's bedside. A delirious Babyface Maid wakes up and says, \"Do you want me to do your hair, Ma'am?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109115\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sobbing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"403\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vegetarian Doctor can't do anything because it's the 19th century and no one knows shit about anything. Victoria leaves 'cause she can't stand to watch Babyface Maid die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106653\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/why-conan-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Babyface Maid is alert enough to tell Hot Italian Chef: \"I should have married you sooner. It wasn't long, but it meant everything.\" Then she takes her last breath and Hot Italian Chef says, \"Nancy? Nancy?\" before sobbing uncontrollably next to her dead body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/somebody-sedate-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up by this reminder that life is super short that she calls off her stupid fight with Albert. They have makeup sex and probably make another baby. But who cares about them? Babyface Maid is dead and I will never forgive the writers. I'm done.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-37954\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"272\">\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE, ALL OF THE THINGS: Babyface Maid\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>I hope the clouds in heaven are made out of Hot Italian Chef's chest hair. Say hi to Dash for me. Now I will proceed to blast this song so my neighbors don't hear me crying.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/NKMtZm2YuBE'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/NKMtZm2YuBE'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen gave birth to yet another baby (*lets out a pregnant sigh*). For those keeping score, that's six down, three to go. Hang in there, everyone! Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid got hitched and also got down and dirty (*prays that they used protection*). And \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> thwarted Lord Pam's plan to frame and destroy the Chartist movement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Due to all the unrest, Victoria and her entire #squad hightailed it over to the Isle of Wight. The last time this show went on a field trip, the Season 2 Gays went skinny dipping next to a waterfall. Maybe something like that will happen again? Are you there, God? It's me, Emmanuel. Make it so!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/titus-kimmy-schmidt-praying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"457\" height=\"474\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's find out if praying works! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The episode's opening shot looks like something straight out of \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, which is enough of an excuse for me to say I MISS HORACE THE PUG SO MUCH and to place his beautiful mug here:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I digress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Any of us who played soccer growing up remember saying \"Good game, good game, good game...\" while slapping the other team's hands. Because the life of a future king is quite sheltered and lonely, Bertie has to recreate that experience with dead fish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108880 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-dead-fishes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's another way one can turn a dead fish into a playmate? Run around with it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108879 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-running-with-fish.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Look, mom! I found Nemo!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108878 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-fish.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is going to order one of her servants to spank Bertie, isn't she?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Lord Pam is making fun of Victoria for running away. He's also cozying up to yet another anti-royalist revolutionary because he's messy and lives for drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>French revolutionaries are so two episodes ago. It's all about Hungarians now, specifically a dude named Lajos Kossuth, who got himself exiled for being a thorn in the side of royals. Sound like anyone we know? Birds of a feather flock together.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(Yes, I used Lajos' actual photo because what a flex to shave your entire chin and nothing else.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on the Isle of Wight, Mean Butler earns the right to be called by his actual name for once (Mr. Penge!) by gifting us this glorious eye roll moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108898\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-penge-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"425\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And he's not the only character making me question why I dislike them. Last episode, Albert received a gold medal for uttering my new favorite succession of words: \"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\" Now, while sharing his opinion of Lord Pam buddying up with the Hungarian, he has introduced me to another wonderful new insult: \"He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!\" (For those who don't know, a \"blaggard\" is \"a scoundrel; an unprincipled contemptible person; an untrustworthy person.\") Is it possible that, after two and a half seasons, I'm finally starting to... like Albert?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/what-is-wrong-with-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"259\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other news, Disney Princess gets word that Disney Villain has sent their six-year-old off to boarding school. New Footman is eavesdropping nearby. Slow and steady wins the race, but can we fast-forward this secret crush to the part when he does this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108904\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/to-me-you-are-perfect.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"430\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is fuming because Hot Italian Chef has offered a letter of resignation. Albert doesn't understand what the big deal is: \"Victoria, really this is such a trivial domestic matter!\" Tread carefully, Al. I just started liking you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria asks Babyface Maid if she knew anything about this. Her response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid retreats to the kitchen and tells Hot Italian Chef she can't believe he actually followed through on their plan. Um, yeah, girl. He didn't buy an inn for shits and giggles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef encourages her to resign too, just like they planned. Again, Babyface Maid is all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Albert is now the one fuming. Not over resignations, but about how dumb Bertie is. \"HE DOESN'T READ!\" Yeah, we know. We've seen him with an abacus.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abacus-bertie-not-bright.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because, the next day, Victoria is about to swim for the first time and asks, \"Do you suppose it's possible actually to breathe under the water?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108905\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/read-a-book-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I should mention that she's wearing this number as a bathing suit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108906\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1020x609.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"382\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1020x609.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-160x96.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-800x478.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-768x459.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1200x717.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit.png 1246w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You can't tell, but I'm fully pointing and laughing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mere seconds into her swim, Victoria learns the hard way that, no, you can't breathe underwater and, yes, you can drown in knee-deep water if you put your mind to it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-drowning.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make matters worse, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover arrive at that exact moment. But she quickly takes back the upper hand with this exchange:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Kossuth's reception into Britain makes my country look duplicitous and weak.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"With respect, ma'am...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"There is no respect in what you have to say, Lord Pam. Saying 'with respect' does not put it there.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/clapback-meme-victoria-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a garden, Disney Princess and New Footman finally have a conversation! Progress! Alas, their chat is mostly about her other crush, Lord Pam. This \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em> love triangle is heating up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108780\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/felicity-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"739\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Albert is trying to teach Bertie how to not be so stupid. He asks him to multiply two by zero. Bertie guesses two, then twenty, which inspires yet another hilarious line from Albert: \"This boy's refusal to learn is... PREPOSTEROUS!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108908\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/hiding-laughing-lol-baby-jane.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, everyone gathers for a party. New Footman and Lord Pam both make eyes at Disney Princess, but New Footman is the first to make a move. \"Forgive me, your grace, there's something come adrift.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oooo, his heart? Or maybe something more scandalous below the waist??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Womp, womp! He just meant that her shoulder strap fell and her shoulder is hanging out totally naked (shield the children's eyes!). As far as pick-up lines go, I give this one an A+ for helpfulness and an F in every other category.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's see how Lord Pam does.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Where's your husband, Duchess? The man to whom you are married.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"He's in London.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Excellent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"It is \u003cem>shocking\u003c/em> that you find it excellent that my husband isn't here.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Excessively shocking, but also excellent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nice work! And Disney Princess agrees because the two of them immediately sneak down a dark hallway to hook up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108909\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/living-single-fan-self.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"356\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast! One of Victoria's other ladies interrupts by pointedly asking about Lord Pam's wife. The feeling when you're trying to convince your friend not to be a ho:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108910\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dont-be-a-ho-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, news arrives that the German mobs no longer want to kill Xenadora and she can finally return home. Instead of smiling, her face muscles start doing weird things again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108911\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-muscle-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora cries long enough for Albert to say she can stay. A noted scammer himself, Lord Pam recognizes how full of it she is and tells her so in a vaguely threatening tone later on. Just based on how Xenadora always looks as if she's stifling a primal scream, I wouldn't want to be on her bad side. This battle oughtta be good!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the royal bedroom, Victoria complains about how thirsty Lord Pam is for the public's love. Albert tells her she's just as bad (and he's right; remember last episode when she cried by a fountain for not getting 100 likes on her Instagram post?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>However valid, Victoria is not here for personal criticism and promptly shuts it down: \"It is your prerogative to favor me with analysis, mine to disregard it. Now I wish to sleep. Goodnight!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108912\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-like-that-bloop-nene.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the dead of night, Lord Pam sneaks into Disney Princess' room and smells her shoulder. Except it's not her shoulder! She and Xenadora switched rooms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108913\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abort-abort-bethenny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora smiles to herself. Blackmail is on the menu! He thought he could outmaneuver her? Ha!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember earlier in this recap when I prayed to a higher power for this vacation to feature something resembling the gay skinny dipping waterfall scene? Well, guess what...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10201\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman randomly wakes up in the morning and gets completely butt naked for a swim!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108915\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-footman-skinny-dip-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess Victoria's full body swimsuit wasn't really his style?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I love how unnecessary and shameless this scene is. It's as if the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers are taunting the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers: \u003cem>Oh, you always have your male characters swim without their shirts on? Hold my beer.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By all means, keep one-upping each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Xenadora is in full blackmail mode with Lord Pam.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"The Queen and her husband detest you. How that antipathy would...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*SHE THEN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CROTCH!!!*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...\u003cem>swell, \u003c/em>if they learned about last night. Don't sulk. It doesn't suit you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria might be the Queen of Britain, but Xenadora is the Queen of Petty, and I live for it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the newlyweds' nest, the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers find another way to stick it to \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> by prominently featuring a naked Hot Italian Chef partly covered by a bed sheet. It's hard to hear over the sound of his chest hair, but the lovebirds are still disagreeing over whether Babyface Maid should resign or not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"In any one day, you are allowed precisely 20 minutes of liberty.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \"I think we just made pretty good use of it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kenan-snl-shocked-amused-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She makes a good point!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In another part of the palace, Lord Pam is looking at some creepy baby limbs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108918\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1020x450.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"282\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1020x450.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-160x71.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-800x353.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-768x338.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1200x529.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs.png 1906w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why are these a thing, other than to give us all nightmares?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, the lady who cockblocked Lord Pam and Disney Princess appears and tells him the following:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Disney Princess is out of bounds, not to be used for the amorous complications you have in mind. I ask this in remembrance of \u003cem>our own\u003c/em> complications.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108920\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xtina-aguilera-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone is messy this season. I love it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Disney Princess finds Lord Pam in the garden and is all over him. Lord Pam is not receptive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-off-me-lord-pam-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam admits that yes, he could totally rock her world cause he's really great at sex, but he doesn't feel like it. This is the face you make when you don't get to cheat on your evil husband:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108928\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dumped-dissed-victoria-pbs-sad-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>May I suggest a cold bath? Not in Albert's bathroom though. That kinky Hercules painting will just get you all riled up again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On her way to maybe take my advice, Disney Princess runs into New Footman and yells, \"GET OUT OF THE WAY!\" in his face. This is no way to treat the guy you're most likely going to hook up with two or three episodes from now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman isn't fazed by her rudeness though and offers her a handkerchief and a brief TEDTalk about the wonders of skinny dipping in the sea. Oh, just make out already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108931\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mr-bean-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"394\" height=\"299\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Babyface Maid finally works up the nerve to quit. Huzzah! Now she gets to enjoy Hot Italian Chef's chest hair for more than 20 minutes a day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This doesn't put the Queen in a celebratory mood though. Victoria, I know it's not fair that Albert doesn't have any chest hair, but you can draw some on if it really bothers you that much!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-albert-chest-hair-shirtless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At dinner that night, Albert grades Bertie's homework...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dumbass.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and continues to quiz him because surely this kid isn't that dumb, right? Bertie screams, \"I DON'T BLOODY KNOW!\" Before Albert can discipline him, Victoria says, \"Please don't bully my child!\" Then she throws a drink in his face because why not:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-throw-water-albert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Masterpiece Theater presents \u003cem>The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the most entertaining thing to happen at a ritzy dinner table since Lord Grantham puked blood all over the place.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20146\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/downton-abbey-graphic-bloody-robert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ah, memories...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Xenadora makes Victoria feel better about disrespecting her husband in front of everyone: \"One quite understands. The wine was not good.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-york-tiffany-wine-laughing-lol.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"307\" height=\"179\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A stand-up comedy star is born! And a two-timing one at that. Moments after ingratiating herself with Victoria, Xenadora runs to Albert's side to tell him, \"Repeated childbirths make women stupid.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108933\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/wow-that-is-so-rude.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"175\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of rudeness, after Babyface Maid is finished brushing Victoria's hair before bed, she asks, \"Will that be all, your majesty?\" to which Victoria pointedly says, \"Apparently so!\" That's a weird way of saying \"Thanks for everything! Congrats on marrying a furry man! Let's definitely keep in touch!\" Victoria didn't throw wine in her face though, so I guess that's something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another day, another skinny dip. (Take that, Ross Poldark!) Mean Butler (the eye roll drumming moment was awesome, but he loses rights to his proper name cause I still hate him) fires New Footman for missing church and being a part-time nudist. Where's the ACLU when you need 'em?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the driveway, now that they both realize they're cut from the same fame-whore cloth, Victoria and Lord Pam decide to be friends, paving the way for Xenadora to take over as our Season 3 villain. Pass me the popcorn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/pigeon-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Disney Princess happens to ask about the whereabouts of \"that large fellow\" and finds out he's been canned. That large fellow? His name is Your Future Baby Daddy, so have some respect!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert is still waiting for Victoria to say, \"Hey, my dude, sorry for throwing a drink in your face in front of everyone for no reason.\" Instead, she says she's returning to London and he can stay behind if he wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108932\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-aint-sorry-beyonce.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"170\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Disney Princess makes up a story that New Footman was running an errand for her during church and must be rehired. We are one step closer to New Footman writing a declaration of love on a big piece of poster board! Skinny dippers of the world, rejoice!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a long travel day, the gang is back in London and pulling up to Buckingham Palace. Things are very tense in Victoria and Albert's carriage. He breaks the tension by adding even more: \"The people await their Queen. And she waits to be adored.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108935\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/awkward-make-it-more-awkward.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Xenadora is leaning into her new role as Season 3 Villain by looking out of her carriage like an absolute weirdo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108923\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/evil-xenadora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108924 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/evil-xenadora-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid chat about their next chapter and embrace in the kitchen. Sensing joy, Mean Butler shows up to extinguish it: \"What the hell do you think you're doing?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef responds, \"I'm comforting my wife. What are you doing?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mean Butler thinks, \u003cem>Oh, nothing much, just living a miserable, empty and lonely existence\u003c/em>, and then promptly has an existential crisis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria tries to barge into Albert's room. Only trouble is he already thought to lock her out. Outraged, she kicks the door and storms off. Xenadora's evil plan is working!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's Childhood Tutor. \u003c/strong>They really should have gotten around to teaching her that humans can't breathe underwater.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Isle of Wight Tourism Bureau. \u003c/strong>Congrats on convincing all of us to visit. See y'all (and your naked butts) at the beach!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef's chest hair and New Footman's butt. \u003c/strong>I'm usually annoyed when this show inundates us with new characters, but these newbies can stay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Xenadora. \u003c/strong>Validating drink-throwing by saying the wine sucks? Comedy gold. Looking at Lord Pam's crotch, while saying the word 'swell'? A boss move. How can you not appreciate this face-twitching weirdo?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Albert\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>I know. I'm just as surprised as you are that he's getting this prize two weeks in a row. But he keeps offering up great lines:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"HE DOESN'T READ!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"This boy's refusal to learn is... PREPOSTEROUS!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Plus, he was pretty cool about having that drink thrown in his face. Cheers to him for deciding not to be insufferable this season!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Skinny dipping! Adultery! A drink thrown in someone's face! Masterpiece presents Victoria a.k.a. The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace!",
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"description": "Skinny dipping! Adultery! A drink thrown in someone's face! Masterpiece presents Victoria a.k.a. The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace!",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen gave birth to yet another baby (*lets out a pregnant sigh*). For those keeping score, that's six down, three to go. Hang in there, everyone! Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid got hitched and also got down and dirty (*prays that they used protection*). And \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> thwarted Lord Pam's plan to frame and destroy the Chartist movement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Due to all the unrest, Victoria and her entire #squad hightailed it over to the Isle of Wight. The last time this show went on a field trip, the Season 2 Gays went skinny dipping next to a waterfall. Maybe something like that will happen again? Are you there, God? It's me, Emmanuel. Make it so!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/titus-kimmy-schmidt-praying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"457\" height=\"474\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's find out if praying works! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The episode's opening shot looks like something straight out of \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, which is enough of an excuse for me to say I MISS HORACE THE PUG SO MUCH and to place his beautiful mug here:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I digress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Any of us who played soccer growing up remember saying \"Good game, good game, good game...\" while slapping the other team's hands. Because the life of a future king is quite sheltered and lonely, Bertie has to recreate that experience with dead fish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108880 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-dead-fishes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's another way one can turn a dead fish into a playmate? Run around with it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108879 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-running-with-fish.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Look, mom! I found Nemo!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108878 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-fish.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is going to order one of her servants to spank Bertie, isn't she?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Lord Pam is making fun of Victoria for running away. He's also cozying up to yet another anti-royalist revolutionary because he's messy and lives for drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>French revolutionaries are so two episodes ago. It's all about Hungarians now, specifically a dude named Lajos Kossuth, who got himself exiled for being a thorn in the side of royals. Sound like anyone we know? Birds of a feather flock together.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(Yes, I used Lajos' actual photo because what a flex to shave your entire chin and nothing else.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on the Isle of Wight, Mean Butler earns the right to be called by his actual name for once (Mr. Penge!) by gifting us this glorious eye roll moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108898\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-penge-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"425\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And he's not the only character making me question why I dislike them. Last episode, Albert received a gold medal for uttering my new favorite succession of words: \"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\" Now, while sharing his opinion of Lord Pam buddying up with the Hungarian, he has introduced me to another wonderful new insult: \"He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!\" (For those who don't know, a \"blaggard\" is \"a scoundrel; an unprincipled contemptible person; an untrustworthy person.\") Is it possible that, after two and a half seasons, I'm finally starting to... like Albert?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/what-is-wrong-with-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"259\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other news, Disney Princess gets word that Disney Villain has sent their six-year-old off to boarding school. New Footman is eavesdropping nearby. Slow and steady wins the race, but can we fast-forward this secret crush to the part when he does this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108904\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/to-me-you-are-perfect.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"430\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is fuming because Hot Italian Chef has offered a letter of resignation. Albert doesn't understand what the big deal is: \"Victoria, really this is such a trivial domestic matter!\" Tread carefully, Al. I just started liking you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria asks Babyface Maid if she knew anything about this. Her response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid retreats to the kitchen and tells Hot Italian Chef she can't believe he actually followed through on their plan. Um, yeah, girl. He didn't buy an inn for shits and giggles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef encourages her to resign too, just like they planned. Again, Babyface Maid is all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Albert is now the one fuming. Not over resignations, but about how dumb Bertie is. \"HE DOESN'T READ!\" Yeah, we know. We've seen him with an abacus.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abacus-bertie-not-bright.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because, the next day, Victoria is about to swim for the first time and asks, \"Do you suppose it's possible actually to breathe under the water?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108905\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/read-a-book-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I should mention that she's wearing this number as a bathing suit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108906\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1020x609.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"382\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1020x609.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-160x96.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-800x478.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-768x459.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1200x717.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit.png 1246w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You can't tell, but I'm fully pointing and laughing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mere seconds into her swim, Victoria learns the hard way that, no, you can't breathe underwater and, yes, you can drown in knee-deep water if you put your mind to it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-drowning.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make matters worse, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover arrive at that exact moment. But she quickly takes back the upper hand with this exchange:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Kossuth's reception into Britain makes my country look duplicitous and weak.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"With respect, ma'am...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"There is no respect in what you have to say, Lord Pam. Saying 'with respect' does not put it there.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/clapback-meme-victoria-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a garden, Disney Princess and New Footman finally have a conversation! Progress! Alas, their chat is mostly about her other crush, Lord Pam. This \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em> love triangle is heating up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108780\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/felicity-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"739\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Albert is trying to teach Bertie how to not be so stupid. He asks him to multiply two by zero. Bertie guesses two, then twenty, which inspires yet another hilarious line from Albert: \"This boy's refusal to learn is... PREPOSTEROUS!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108908\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/hiding-laughing-lol-baby-jane.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, everyone gathers for a party. New Footman and Lord Pam both make eyes at Disney Princess, but New Footman is the first to make a move. \"Forgive me, your grace, there's something come adrift.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oooo, his heart? Or maybe something more scandalous below the waist??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Womp, womp! He just meant that her shoulder strap fell and her shoulder is hanging out totally naked (shield the children's eyes!). As far as pick-up lines go, I give this one an A+ for helpfulness and an F in every other category.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's see how Lord Pam does.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Where's your husband, Duchess? The man to whom you are married.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"He's in London.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Excellent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"It is \u003cem>shocking\u003c/em> that you find it excellent that my husband isn't here.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Excessively shocking, but also excellent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nice work! And Disney Princess agrees because the two of them immediately sneak down a dark hallway to hook up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108909\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/living-single-fan-self.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"356\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast! One of Victoria's other ladies interrupts by pointedly asking about Lord Pam's wife. The feeling when you're trying to convince your friend not to be a ho:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108910\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dont-be-a-ho-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, news arrives that the German mobs no longer want to kill Xenadora and she can finally return home. Instead of smiling, her face muscles start doing weird things again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108911\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-muscle-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora cries long enough for Albert to say she can stay. A noted scammer himself, Lord Pam recognizes how full of it she is and tells her so in a vaguely threatening tone later on. Just based on how Xenadora always looks as if she's stifling a primal scream, I wouldn't want to be on her bad side. This battle oughtta be good!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the royal bedroom, Victoria complains about how thirsty Lord Pam is for the public's love. Albert tells her she's just as bad (and he's right; remember last episode when she cried by a fountain for not getting 100 likes on her Instagram post?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>However valid, Victoria is not here for personal criticism and promptly shuts it down: \"It is your prerogative to favor me with analysis, mine to disregard it. Now I wish to sleep. Goodnight!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108912\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-like-that-bloop-nene.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the dead of night, Lord Pam sneaks into Disney Princess' room and smells her shoulder. Except it's not her shoulder! She and Xenadora switched rooms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108913\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abort-abort-bethenny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora smiles to herself. Blackmail is on the menu! He thought he could outmaneuver her? Ha!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember earlier in this recap when I prayed to a higher power for this vacation to feature something resembling the gay skinny dipping waterfall scene? Well, guess what...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10201\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman randomly wakes up in the morning and gets completely butt naked for a swim!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108915\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-footman-skinny-dip-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess Victoria's full body swimsuit wasn't really his style?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I love how unnecessary and shameless this scene is. It's as if the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers are taunting the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers: \u003cem>Oh, you always have your male characters swim without their shirts on? Hold my beer.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By all means, keep one-upping each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Xenadora is in full blackmail mode with Lord Pam.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"The Queen and her husband detest you. How that antipathy would...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*SHE THEN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CROTCH!!!*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...\u003cem>swell, \u003c/em>if they learned about last night. Don't sulk. It doesn't suit you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria might be the Queen of Britain, but Xenadora is the Queen of Petty, and I live for it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the newlyweds' nest, the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers find another way to stick it to \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> by prominently featuring a naked Hot Italian Chef partly covered by a bed sheet. It's hard to hear over the sound of his chest hair, but the lovebirds are still disagreeing over whether Babyface Maid should resign or not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"In any one day, you are allowed precisely 20 minutes of liberty.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \"I think we just made pretty good use of it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kenan-snl-shocked-amused-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She makes a good point!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In another part of the palace, Lord Pam is looking at some creepy baby limbs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108918\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1020x450.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"282\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1020x450.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-160x71.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-800x353.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-768x338.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1200x529.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs.png 1906w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why are these a thing, other than to give us all nightmares?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, the lady who cockblocked Lord Pam and Disney Princess appears and tells him the following:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Disney Princess is out of bounds, not to be used for the amorous complications you have in mind. I ask this in remembrance of \u003cem>our own\u003c/em> complications.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108920\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xtina-aguilera-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone is messy this season. I love it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Disney Princess finds Lord Pam in the garden and is all over him. Lord Pam is not receptive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-off-me-lord-pam-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam admits that yes, he could totally rock her world cause he's really great at sex, but he doesn't feel like it. This is the face you make when you don't get to cheat on your evil husband:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108928\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dumped-dissed-victoria-pbs-sad-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>May I suggest a cold bath? Not in Albert's bathroom though. That kinky Hercules painting will just get you all riled up again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On her way to maybe take my advice, Disney Princess runs into New Footman and yells, \"GET OUT OF THE WAY!\" in his face. This is no way to treat the guy you're most likely going to hook up with two or three episodes from now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman isn't fazed by her rudeness though and offers her a handkerchief and a brief TEDTalk about the wonders of skinny dipping in the sea. Oh, just make out already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108931\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mr-bean-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"394\" height=\"299\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Babyface Maid finally works up the nerve to quit. Huzzah! Now she gets to enjoy Hot Italian Chef's chest hair for more than 20 minutes a day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This doesn't put the Queen in a celebratory mood though. Victoria, I know it's not fair that Albert doesn't have any chest hair, but you can draw some on if it really bothers you that much!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-albert-chest-hair-shirtless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At dinner that night, Albert grades Bertie's homework...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dumbass.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and continues to quiz him because surely this kid isn't that dumb, right? Bertie screams, \"I DON'T BLOODY KNOW!\" Before Albert can discipline him, Victoria says, \"Please don't bully my child!\" Then she throws a drink in his face because why not:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-throw-water-albert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Masterpiece Theater presents \u003cem>The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the most entertaining thing to happen at a ritzy dinner table since Lord Grantham puked blood all over the place.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20146\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/downton-abbey-graphic-bloody-robert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ah, memories...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Xenadora makes Victoria feel better about disrespecting her husband in front of everyone: \"One quite understands. The wine was not good.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-york-tiffany-wine-laughing-lol.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"307\" height=\"179\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A stand-up comedy star is born! And a two-timing one at that. Moments after ingratiating herself with Victoria, Xenadora runs to Albert's side to tell him, \"Repeated childbirths make women stupid.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108933\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/wow-that-is-so-rude.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"175\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of rudeness, after Babyface Maid is finished brushing Victoria's hair before bed, she asks, \"Will that be all, your majesty?\" to which Victoria pointedly says, \"Apparently so!\" That's a weird way of saying \"Thanks for everything! Congrats on marrying a furry man! Let's definitely keep in touch!\" Victoria didn't throw wine in her face though, so I guess that's something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another day, another skinny dip. (Take that, Ross Poldark!) Mean Butler (the eye roll drumming moment was awesome, but he loses rights to his proper name cause I still hate him) fires New Footman for missing church and being a part-time nudist. Where's the ACLU when you need 'em?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the driveway, now that they both realize they're cut from the same fame-whore cloth, Victoria and Lord Pam decide to be friends, paving the way for Xenadora to take over as our Season 3 villain. Pass me the popcorn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/pigeon-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Disney Princess happens to ask about the whereabouts of \"that large fellow\" and finds out he's been canned. That large fellow? His name is Your Future Baby Daddy, so have some respect!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert is still waiting for Victoria to say, \"Hey, my dude, sorry for throwing a drink in your face in front of everyone for no reason.\" Instead, she says she's returning to London and he can stay behind if he wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108932\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-aint-sorry-beyonce.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"170\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Disney Princess makes up a story that New Footman was running an errand for her during church and must be rehired. We are one step closer to New Footman writing a declaration of love on a big piece of poster board! Skinny dippers of the world, rejoice!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a long travel day, the gang is back in London and pulling up to Buckingham Palace. Things are very tense in Victoria and Albert's carriage. He breaks the tension by adding even more: \"The people await their Queen. And she waits to be adored.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108935\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/awkward-make-it-more-awkward.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Xenadora is leaning into her new role as Season 3 Villain by looking out of her carriage like an absolute weirdo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108923\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/evil-xenadora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108924 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/evil-xenadora-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid chat about their next chapter and embrace in the kitchen. Sensing joy, Mean Butler shows up to extinguish it: \"What the hell do you think you're doing?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef responds, \"I'm comforting my wife. What are you doing?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mean Butler thinks, \u003cem>Oh, nothing much, just living a miserable, empty and lonely existence\u003c/em>, and then promptly has an existential crisis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria tries to barge into Albert's room. Only trouble is he already thought to lock her out. Outraged, she kicks the door and storms off. Xenadora's evil plan is working!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's Childhood Tutor. \u003c/strong>They really should have gotten around to teaching her that humans can't breathe underwater.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Isle of Wight Tourism Bureau. \u003c/strong>Congrats on convincing all of us to visit. See y'all (and your naked butts) at the beach!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef's chest hair and New Footman's butt. \u003c/strong>I'm usually annoyed when this show inundates us with new characters, but these newbies can stay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Xenadora. \u003c/strong>Validating drink-throwing by saying the wine sucks? Comedy gold. Looking at Lord Pam's crotch, while saying the word 'swell'? A boss move. How can you not appreciate this face-twitching weirdo?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Albert\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>I know. I'm just as surprised as you are that he's getting this prize two weeks in a row. But he keeps offering up great lines:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"HE DOESN'T READ!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"This boy's refusal to learn is... PREPOSTEROUS!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Plus, he was pretty cool about having that drink thrown in his face. Cheers to him for deciding not to be insufferable this season!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen spent so much time fighting with Lord Pam...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108529\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"368\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...that she failed to notice her true battle was with the mob outside the palace strongly considering guillotine-ing her head off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108664\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/BB-5.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"319\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will Victoria's neck be saved? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the mob continues to ram the palace gates, Victoria is yowling up a storm, partly because how dare they and partly because a human being is trying to bust out of her body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora shuffles into the delivery room and snaps, \"Shhh! Screaming won't make it come any faster!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rude? Yes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Iconic? Absolutely.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the hallway, Bertie is really worried his mother will die during childbirth. Victoria Jr. tells him not to worry about it 'cause, if she does, he will be king due to \"primogeniture.\" Um, thanks for the fun fact?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two things we now know about Vicky Jr.:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. She's destined to ace her SAT verbal section.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. She's kind of a sociopath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108666\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/this-makes-me-feel-nothing-new-girl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who's not concerned for Victoria's well-being: the deposed French king, Louis Philippe, who is downstairs boozing, gambling and joking about sex swings. I'm not up on my Emily Post, but I'm pretty sure that is not appropriate houseguest behavior if your host is in labor and also maybe about to get murdered by an angry mob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Louis Philippe is too tanked to care about propriety. Laissez les bons temps (et la tête de la reine) rouler! (And my parents said my French minor would never come in handy, ha!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Louis Philippe isn't acting up alone; his gambling partner is a new character who's basically a villain from a direct-to-DVD Disney movie. Disney Villain earns his bad reputation by constantly being hateful for no reason towards Disney Princess, a.ka. his wife and one of Victoria's new ladies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the theme of Season 3 is apparently stuffing at least three brand new characters we don't care about into every single scene, a new footman stands off to the side, gazing at Disney Princess in a way that suggests a star-crossed-lovers-who-can-never-be-together storyline that'll drag its butt over the next eight episodes. Hopefully, this couple has better luck than the Season 2 Gays. AND YES, I AM STILL VERY MUCH LIVID OVER HOW THAT TURNED OUT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107041\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/angry-white-lady-curtains-freak-out-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"445\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, back to people we actually know. Albert announces the mob has magically dispersed. And the new baby is born without any complications. Hm, that was anticlimactic. That dramatic \"To be continued...\" cliffhanger from last week should have read, \"To be quickly resolved within a minute or two next week...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108668\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-expect-more-from-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, the royal children (well, the two old enough to have speaking roles) run in to greet their new sibling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vicky Jr. assumes the role of Simon Cowell on \u003cem>Britain's Got \u003cdel>Talent\u003c/del> Incest\u003c/em>: \"This one's quite pretty... for an infant. Better than the last one anyway.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which makes Bertie Paula Abdul, the not-all-there judge who mostly means well: \"I am glad you're not dead, mama.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How sweet?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"534\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg 534w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-520x390.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 534px) 100vw, 534px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time for another bizarre moment, courtesy of the MVP of Season 3 so far, Xenadora! She busts in (boundaries are not really her thing) and campaigns for the baby to take her name (subtlety is also not really her thing). But no dice. Victoria announces that her daughter will be named after Albert's mother because projecting mommy abandonment issues onto a new generation feels like a healthy choice. Every muscle in Xenadora's face works to suppress the primal scream bubbling inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108629\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"308\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the Chartist HQ, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> is really hitting it off with her nine-fingered crush. But she's also disturbed by how he's stoking violence within the movement. Is he a mole? Or just pissed that someone shot off his finger?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108669\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/honestly-probably-both.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover invite Victoria to mobilize troops against the Chartists. Victoria RSVPs a hard no, based on her belief that the mob is only thirsty for Louis Philippe's blood, not hers. Someone sprayed on a bit too much of this perfume this morning:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108670\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/delusion-convince-yourself-jinkx.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Chartist HQ, cops storm the place, conveniently find a huge trove of rifles and arrest Nine Fingers for treason. Jo promptly beats the arresting officer. Girl, calm down. You just met him. Also, two plus two equals four, he totally planted the guns there to make y'all look bad! But as the rapper Eve says, \"Love is blind and it'll take over your mind.\" It doesn't help that, as he's being carted off, Nine Fingers says, \"Believe me when I say I never expected to meet a woman like you.\" Mmhm, sure, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108671\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lies-kathy-bates.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Hot Italian Chef has some exciting news for Babyface Maid! He bought the inn! And secured a marriage license too! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or nay? Babyface Maid is annoyed he didn't ask her first.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bubble: burst.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Celebratory balloon: popped.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108774\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/balloon-pop-skerett-francatelli.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef doesn't want to hear the tired \"But the Queen needs me!\" excuse again so he goes ahead and sets the date. The wedding chapel, tomorrow at 3 o'clock: be there or be square (and single). Babyface Maid nobs in a s\u003cem>ure-unless-I-decide-to-wash-my-hair-around-then\u003c/em> kinda way. Are we about to have a runaway bride on our hands?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108673\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/runaway-bride-julia-roberts.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria hears about all the guns found at the Chartist HQ and decides, \u003cem>Ok, fine, shoot them in the street.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Louis Philippe is still lazing about the palace, overstaying his welcome and breaking even more Emily Post rules. This time, he sits Vicky Jr. and Bertie down for an extremely graphic lesson on the evolution of chopping off royal heads, from the blunt ax to the guillotine. The kids do not appreciate this Story Time session.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108675\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/scared-kids-santa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert finds out, he stomps up to Louis Philippe and delivers a line I will be using on all my enemies from now on: \"YOUR PRESENCE HERE IS A PROVOCATION!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108718\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-out-of-my-face-jonathan-van-ness-queer-eye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"198\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Victoria grumbles about no longer being popular with the public: \"I want them to love me! Otherwise, what is the point?!\" That's exactly what I say when I get under 100 likes on an Instagram photo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108719\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nene-sad-phone.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, there's a traffic jam due to a random dead horse lying in the street (#19thCenturyProblems), so the carriage holding Disney Princess is forced to stop. That's when a bunch of random dudes come out of nowhere and start banging on the windows and rocking the carriage back and forth. Scary stuff, but may I just say that this particular extra really put his back into the role and deserves a raise:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/rioter-spit-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just when it looks like they're going to smash the spit-covered carriage window, Lord Pam trots up and asks them to chill. The mob magically disperses without so much as a top hat knocked off because this episode's theme is anticlimax.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108720\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/anticlimactic.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam then does what any knight in shining armor should: immediately passes the damsel in distress a huge crystal flask full of booze. Permission to cheat on your mean husband: granted!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria and Xenadora tire of being passive and finally get aggressive. It goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You left when I was young and didn't even come to my wedding!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I didn't have money!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You could have begged me for some!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>As if!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I don't expect you to understand. You've never been in my position!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>YoU'vE nEvEr BeEn In My PoSiTiOn!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108721\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"680\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob.jpeg 680w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-160x104.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-240x155.jpeg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-375x243.jpeg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-520x336.jpeg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 680px) 100vw, 680px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria storms out, but I barely notice because Xenadora's facial muscles are doing weird things again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108633\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Xenadora make up two scenes later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108720\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/anticlimactic.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Louis Philippe finds Victoria and says, \u003cem>Hey, sorry about getting tanked during your labor and telling your kids about how decapitated heads are picked up from their hair. Please forward my mail to the roach motel down the block. \u003c/em>But Victoria won't hear of it and grants him one of her country homes. Moral of the story: Scar your friend's children for life, get a free house.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108726\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/count-me-in.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"380\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In light of the rifle bust and all the mob action going on, Albert convinces Victoria to seek safety at another one of their palaces on the Isle of Wight. Disney Princess has to rush home to get ready but needs someone to accompany her so no one spits all over her window again. If only there was a hunk standing around who could help. Oh, would you look at that? New Footman is conveniently two feet away! I smell a love triangle brewing! Hopefully, it brings the sparks like the one in \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108780\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/felicity-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"739\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Believing that Nine Fingers is innocent, Jo visits the police station to campaign for his release. But he's already out! Cause he's a cop! Who's now acting as though he's never seen her in his life! Youch! Jo is going to need a lot of aloe to ease the sting of this burn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108728\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/hes-been-playing-you-like-a-puppet.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The clock strikes three at the wedding chapel. And Babyface Maid is nowhere to be found...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108764\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-interesting-sad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...until she comes running in!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm going to ignore the line in Babyface Maid's vows about obeying Hot Italian Chef, and focus on the line in Hot Italian Chef's vows about worshiping her with his body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108766\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-wink.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"229\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which they don't waste any time getting to, if this five-second scene is any indication.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oo-la-la-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"362\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid's hair is down, which means Hot Italian Chef's case of blue balls is about to be cured! Halleloo!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36649\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108765\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-soggy-bottom.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Jo pops up and frantically shares the news of Nine Fingers not being that into her and being way more into framing the Chartist movement. Victoria believes Jo's story because why would a noted actress from a beloved 1980s sitcom lie? Albert must have not have been a fan of the show though because he thinks Jo's theory is outlandish and ridiculous. A government using nefarious means to suppress the people? Who's ever heard of such a thing?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108756\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/no-way-kirsten-wiig.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite all evidence pointing to a set-up, Albert convinces Victoria to just forget about it and instead worry about what in-carriage entertainment they'll enjoy on their way to their new palace. But before they're even out of their zip code, Victoria has a panic attack and forces the motorcade to stop. She jumps out and announces that she has had a change of heart: \u003cem>Hey, y'all! That whole shooting unarmed protesters in the street? Let's not do it! K thanks!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone shrugs and carries on, except for Lord Pam, the architect of the strategy to plant rifles: \"How the devil did she find out?\" Answer: Her name is Jo and she's not here for your crap!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a bridge, guards load and aim their guns at the protesters. Will they get the message that Victoria has changed her mind in time?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Of course they will because nothing really happens on this show (except for procreation). The protesters safely submit their little petition and quietly go home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over on the Isle of Wight, everyone has heart eyes for their new digs. But Victoria is seeing red over being forced to flee her own people over a whole lot of nothing. Albert eases her anger by unveiling a kinky painting of Hercules, who's been tied up by a queen and made to do whatever she desires. He explains that he's Hercules in this situation (Ha! Keep dreaming!) and that he intends to look at it and think of her while he bathes. Cool story, bro, but keep your masturbation plans to yourself next time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Xenadora gets an eyeful of Albert's bath time porn and shudders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108635\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/shudder-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"315\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*runs over to Chartist HQ to draw up a petition for this woman to win a Golden Globe for all her weird twitching*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Nine Fingers. \u003c/strong>He's already missing a finger and he's about to be missing another body part if he doesn't leave Jo alone! #LorenaBobbittThePrequel\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Jo. \u003c/strong>The best way to get over a breakup is to single-handedly save a movement. Who runs the world? Girls (who look like forgotten '80s stars)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Congrats to them for finally getting some! But be warned: I will rescind this award if it turns out they failed to use protection. I can't take any more pregnancies right now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Xenadora\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Patron saint of creepy weirdos everywhere. Bow down (while face-twitching)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Albert. \u003c/strong>He usually bugs me, but I am happy to admit that his catchphrase \"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\" is my new favorite succession of words. It's the kind of thing you say to someone before slapping their face with an unworn glove. Don't be surprised when I'm cast on a \u003cem>Real Housewives\u003c/em> show and use it as my intro tagline.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This episode has it all: a wedding, a birth and a very naughty painting.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen spent so much time fighting with Lord Pam...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108529\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"368\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...that she failed to notice her true battle was with the mob outside the palace strongly considering guillotine-ing her head off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108664\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/BB-5.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"319\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will Victoria's neck be saved? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the mob continues to ram the palace gates, Victoria is yowling up a storm, partly because how dare they and partly because a human being is trying to bust out of her body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora shuffles into the delivery room and snaps, \"Shhh! Screaming won't make it come any faster!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rude? Yes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Iconic? Absolutely.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the hallway, Bertie is really worried his mother will die during childbirth. Victoria Jr. tells him not to worry about it 'cause, if she does, he will be king due to \"primogeniture.\" Um, thanks for the fun fact?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two things we now know about Vicky Jr.:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. She's destined to ace her SAT verbal section.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. She's kind of a sociopath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108666\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/this-makes-me-feel-nothing-new-girl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who's not concerned for Victoria's well-being: the deposed French king, Louis Philippe, who is downstairs boozing, gambling and joking about sex swings. I'm not up on my Emily Post, but I'm pretty sure that is not appropriate houseguest behavior if your host is in labor and also maybe about to get murdered by an angry mob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Louis Philippe is too tanked to care about propriety. Laissez les bons temps (et la tête de la reine) rouler! (And my parents said my French minor would never come in handy, ha!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Louis Philippe isn't acting up alone; his gambling partner is a new character who's basically a villain from a direct-to-DVD Disney movie. Disney Villain earns his bad reputation by constantly being hateful for no reason towards Disney Princess, a.ka. his wife and one of Victoria's new ladies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the theme of Season 3 is apparently stuffing at least three brand new characters we don't care about into every single scene, a new footman stands off to the side, gazing at Disney Princess in a way that suggests a star-crossed-lovers-who-can-never-be-together storyline that'll drag its butt over the next eight episodes. Hopefully, this couple has better luck than the Season 2 Gays. AND YES, I AM STILL VERY MUCH LIVID OVER HOW THAT TURNED OUT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107041\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/angry-white-lady-curtains-freak-out-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"445\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, back to people we actually know. Albert announces the mob has magically dispersed. And the new baby is born without any complications. Hm, that was anticlimactic. That dramatic \"To be continued...\" cliffhanger from last week should have read, \"To be quickly resolved within a minute or two next week...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108668\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-expect-more-from-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, the royal children (well, the two old enough to have speaking roles) run in to greet their new sibling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vicky Jr. assumes the role of Simon Cowell on \u003cem>Britain's Got \u003cdel>Talent\u003c/del> Incest\u003c/em>: \"This one's quite pretty... for an infant. Better than the last one anyway.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which makes Bertie Paula Abdul, the not-all-there judge who mostly means well: \"I am glad you're not dead, mama.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How sweet?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"534\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg 534w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-520x390.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 534px) 100vw, 534px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time for another bizarre moment, courtesy of the MVP of Season 3 so far, Xenadora! She busts in (boundaries are not really her thing) and campaigns for the baby to take her name (subtlety is also not really her thing). But no dice. Victoria announces that her daughter will be named after Albert's mother because projecting mommy abandonment issues onto a new generation feels like a healthy choice. Every muscle in Xenadora's face works to suppress the primal scream bubbling inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108629\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"308\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the Chartist HQ, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> is really hitting it off with her nine-fingered crush. But she's also disturbed by how he's stoking violence within the movement. Is he a mole? Or just pissed that someone shot off his finger?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108669\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/honestly-probably-both.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover invite Victoria to mobilize troops against the Chartists. Victoria RSVPs a hard no, based on her belief that the mob is only thirsty for Louis Philippe's blood, not hers. Someone sprayed on a bit too much of this perfume this morning:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108670\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/delusion-convince-yourself-jinkx.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Chartist HQ, cops storm the place, conveniently find a huge trove of rifles and arrest Nine Fingers for treason. Jo promptly beats the arresting officer. Girl, calm down. You just met him. Also, two plus two equals four, he totally planted the guns there to make y'all look bad! But as the rapper Eve says, \"Love is blind and it'll take over your mind.\" It doesn't help that, as he's being carted off, Nine Fingers says, \"Believe me when I say I never expected to meet a woman like you.\" Mmhm, sure, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108671\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lies-kathy-bates.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Hot Italian Chef has some exciting news for Babyface Maid! He bought the inn! And secured a marriage license too! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or nay? Babyface Maid is annoyed he didn't ask her first.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bubble: burst.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Celebratory balloon: popped.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108774\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/balloon-pop-skerett-francatelli.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef doesn't want to hear the tired \"But the Queen needs me!\" excuse again so he goes ahead and sets the date. The wedding chapel, tomorrow at 3 o'clock: be there or be square (and single). Babyface Maid nobs in a s\u003cem>ure-unless-I-decide-to-wash-my-hair-around-then\u003c/em> kinda way. Are we about to have a runaway bride on our hands?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108673\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/runaway-bride-julia-roberts.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria hears about all the guns found at the Chartist HQ and decides, \u003cem>Ok, fine, shoot them in the street.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Louis Philippe is still lazing about the palace, overstaying his welcome and breaking even more Emily Post rules. This time, he sits Vicky Jr. and Bertie down for an extremely graphic lesson on the evolution of chopping off royal heads, from the blunt ax to the guillotine. The kids do not appreciate this Story Time session.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108675\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/scared-kids-santa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert finds out, he stomps up to Louis Philippe and delivers a line I will be using on all my enemies from now on: \"YOUR PRESENCE HERE IS A PROVOCATION!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108718\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-out-of-my-face-jonathan-van-ness-queer-eye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"198\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Victoria grumbles about no longer being popular with the public: \"I want them to love me! Otherwise, what is the point?!\" That's exactly what I say when I get under 100 likes on an Instagram photo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108719\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nene-sad-phone.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, there's a traffic jam due to a random dead horse lying in the street (#19thCenturyProblems), so the carriage holding Disney Princess is forced to stop. That's when a bunch of random dudes come out of nowhere and start banging on the windows and rocking the carriage back and forth. Scary stuff, but may I just say that this particular extra really put his back into the role and deserves a raise:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/rioter-spit-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just when it looks like they're going to smash the spit-covered carriage window, Lord Pam trots up and asks them to chill. The mob magically disperses without so much as a top hat knocked off because this episode's theme is anticlimax.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108720\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/anticlimactic.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam then does what any knight in shining armor should: immediately passes the damsel in distress a huge crystal flask full of booze. Permission to cheat on your mean husband: granted!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria and Xenadora tire of being passive and finally get aggressive. It goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You left when I was young and didn't even come to my wedding!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I didn't have money!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You could have begged me for some!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>As if!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I don't expect you to understand. You've never been in my position!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>YoU'vE nEvEr BeEn In My PoSiTiOn!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108721\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"680\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob.jpeg 680w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-160x104.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-240x155.jpeg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-375x243.jpeg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-520x336.jpeg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 680px) 100vw, 680px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria storms out, but I barely notice because Xenadora's facial muscles are doing weird things again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108633\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Xenadora make up two scenes later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108720\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/anticlimactic.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Louis Philippe finds Victoria and says, \u003cem>Hey, sorry about getting tanked during your labor and telling your kids about how decapitated heads are picked up from their hair. Please forward my mail to the roach motel down the block. \u003c/em>But Victoria won't hear of it and grants him one of her country homes. Moral of the story: Scar your friend's children for life, get a free house.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108726\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/count-me-in.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"380\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In light of the rifle bust and all the mob action going on, Albert convinces Victoria to seek safety at another one of their palaces on the Isle of Wight. Disney Princess has to rush home to get ready but needs someone to accompany her so no one spits all over her window again. If only there was a hunk standing around who could help. Oh, would you look at that? New Footman is conveniently two feet away! I smell a love triangle brewing! Hopefully, it brings the sparks like the one in \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108780\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/felicity-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"739\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Believing that Nine Fingers is innocent, Jo visits the police station to campaign for his release. But he's already out! Cause he's a cop! Who's now acting as though he's never seen her in his life! Youch! Jo is going to need a lot of aloe to ease the sting of this burn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108728\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/hes-been-playing-you-like-a-puppet.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The clock strikes three at the wedding chapel. And Babyface Maid is nowhere to be found...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108764\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-interesting-sad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...until she comes running in!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm going to ignore the line in Babyface Maid's vows about obeying Hot Italian Chef, and focus on the line in Hot Italian Chef's vows about worshiping her with his body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108766\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-wink.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"229\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which they don't waste any time getting to, if this five-second scene is any indication.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oo-la-la-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"362\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid's hair is down, which means Hot Italian Chef's case of blue balls is about to be cured! Halleloo!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36649\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108765\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-soggy-bottom.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Jo pops up and frantically shares the news of Nine Fingers not being that into her and being way more into framing the Chartist movement. Victoria believes Jo's story because why would a noted actress from a beloved 1980s sitcom lie? Albert must have not have been a fan of the show though because he thinks Jo's theory is outlandish and ridiculous. A government using nefarious means to suppress the people? Who's ever heard of such a thing?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108756\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/no-way-kirsten-wiig.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite all evidence pointing to a set-up, Albert convinces Victoria to just forget about it and instead worry about what in-carriage entertainment they'll enjoy on their way to their new palace. But before they're even out of their zip code, Victoria has a panic attack and forces the motorcade to stop. She jumps out and announces that she has had a change of heart: \u003cem>Hey, y'all! That whole shooting unarmed protesters in the street? Let's not do it! K thanks!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone shrugs and carries on, except for Lord Pam, the architect of the strategy to plant rifles: \"How the devil did she find out?\" Answer: Her name is Jo and she's not here for your crap!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a bridge, guards load and aim their guns at the protesters. Will they get the message that Victoria has changed her mind in time?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Of course they will because nothing really happens on this show (except for procreation). The protesters safely submit their little petition and quietly go home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over on the Isle of Wight, everyone has heart eyes for their new digs. But Victoria is seeing red over being forced to flee her own people over a whole lot of nothing. Albert eases her anger by unveiling a kinky painting of Hercules, who's been tied up by a queen and made to do whatever she desires. He explains that he's Hercules in this situation (Ha! Keep dreaming!) and that he intends to look at it and think of her while he bathes. Cool story, bro, but keep your masturbation plans to yourself next time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Xenadora gets an eyeful of Albert's bath time porn and shudders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108635\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/shudder-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"315\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*runs over to Chartist HQ to draw up a petition for this woman to win a Golden Globe for all her weird twitching*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Nine Fingers. \u003c/strong>He's already missing a finger and he's about to be missing another body part if he doesn't leave Jo alone! #LorenaBobbittThePrequel\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Jo. \u003c/strong>The best way to get over a breakup is to single-handedly save a movement. Who runs the world? Girls (who look like forgotten '80s stars)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Congrats to them for finally getting some! But be warned: I will rescind this award if it turns out they failed to use protection. I can't take any more pregnancies right now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Xenadora\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Patron saint of creepy weirdos everywhere. Bow down (while face-twitching)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Albert. \u003c/strong>He usually bugs me, but I am happy to admit that his catchphrase \"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\" is my new favorite succession of words. It's the kind of thing you say to someone before slapping their face with an unworn glove. Don't be surprised when I'm cast on a \u003cem>Real Housewives\u003c/em> show and use it as my intro tagline.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"title": "'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen",
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"content": "\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to catch up with \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. Everyone else, let’s do this thing!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boom! It’s 1848 and we’re in Paris! But hold off on adorning your face with a fake beauty mark and biting into that eclair because the royal palace is being stormed by an angry mob! The fleeing rich inhabitants attempt to drag all their prized paintings, gold-rimmed mirrors and fancy furniture along with them. Um, you guys? A literal bomb just went off right outside that window over there. Maybe leave the end table and haul ass? Just a suggestion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All I know is that this cutie better get out of this alive!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"693\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-160x173.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-800x866.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-768x832.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-960x1040.jpg 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-240x260.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-375x406.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-520x563.jpg 520w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria.jpg 1060w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For any regular readers betting on how soon I would find a way to make this recap about a cute animal, the winning guess is: Before the second paragraph!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If the French baby pup hadn’t graced our screens, I would have just brought up how I’m still not over Dash dying last season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"956\" height=\"712\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket.jpg 956w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-160x119.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-800x596.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-768x572.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-240x179.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-375x279.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-520x387.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 956px) 100vw, 956px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, we can rest assured that he’s in a better place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108554\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"970\" height=\"1168\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs.jpg 970w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-160x193.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-800x963.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-768x925.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-960x1156.jpg 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-240x289.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-375x452.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-520x626.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 970px) 100vw, 970px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the humans (if we must).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While the King of France tries evading certain death by running through underground tunnels, Victoria and her squad stroll through Buckingham Palace in their finest jewels wholly unbothered because all the downtrodden Brits are too hungry (or too polite?) to revolt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The gazillion royal children are in attendance. Just look at how many pregnancy storylines we’ve suffered through over two short seasons!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108334\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1020x813.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"510\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1020x813.png 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-160x128.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-800x638.png 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-768x612.png 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1200x957.png 1200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1180x941.png 1180w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-960x766.png 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-240x191.png 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-375x299.png 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-520x415.png 520w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids.png 1432w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the face I make when thinking about the fact that Queen Victoria had nine kids in total so we still have four more to go:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108335\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"272\" height=\"288\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria.png 272w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria-160x169.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria-240x254.png 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 272px) 100vw, 272px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>UGH, make that three more to go. Victoria and Albert have been busy yet again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1020x622.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"390\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1020x622.png 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-160x98.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-800x488.png 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-768x469.png 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1200x732.png 1200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1180x720.png 1180w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-960x586.png 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-240x146.png 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-375x229.png 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-520x317.png 520w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM.png 1872w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108526\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/enough-pitch-perfect.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"625\" height=\"396\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to a rowboat in the middle of nowhere carrying a mystery woman, who looks an awful lot like Lucy Lawless. Could this be the \u003cem>Xena / Victoria\u003c/em> crossover I never knew I wanted?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, the new Foreign Secretary, Lord Palmerston, is in the mood to cook up some drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the floor of the House of Commons, Pam (that’s what the British people called him back in the day) announces that he’s sent congratulations to the French revolutionaries. He then talks a bunch of smack about autocrats. This doesn’t go over well with Victoria, seeing as “autocrat” is one of her middle names, so she summons Pam and yells at him. With a Sorry, Not Sorry smirk on his face, Pam essentially says, \u003cem>Hold that thought, ma’am. I’m in the middle of undressing all your maids with my eyes. I’ll be right with you though.\u003c/em> After two full seasons of Victoria and Albert at each other’s throats, I welcome this new challenger!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108529\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"368\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, a new footman is introduced. He looks nothing like Xena. Oh, well. Can’t win ’em all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some working-class borough, a group of Chartists debates how to go about securing the right to vote.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Option A:\u003c/strong> Submit a petition that will immediately be thrown into a roaring fireplace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Option B:\u003c/strong> Overthrow the Queen (guillotine assembly required).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They decide to play nice… for now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are getting hot and heavy, until Babyface Maid puts the brakes on their trip to home base. “We have to wait,” she says. “I’m not leaving here in disgrace!” Wait, does she mean she wants to wait until marriage? Or just until after her morning shift? Either way, Hot Italian Chef has blue balls.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108536\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/omg-blue-balls-penis-having-a-heart-attack.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Xena arrives. Turns out she’s Victoria’s older half-sister, Feodora, who left England to marry a German prince when Victoria was nine. So she’s a princess, just like Xena! I knew it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108531\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-i-win.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"191\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From the first impression, it’s hard to tell if Xenadora is either kind of dumb or shady as hell. Like when she makes sure to point out that Albert is their first cousin (still ew). Or when she says, “So many children,” then takes a pregnant pause (pun intended), looks down at Victoria’s stomach and continues in a weird judgmental tone, “…and another one on the way.” (Don’t remind me!) My money’s on shady.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora eventually breaks down and explains the reason for her visit is that the revolutionaries almost got a hold of her. But that doesn’t stop Victoria from complaining about how rude it is to drop in unannounced and how she hopes she doesn’t stay long. Albert is like, \u003cem>Woah, that’s your sister! Her life was in danger! You’re being a brat!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, he would know.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unrelated: I don’t know what this little cutie’s name is, but I am a fan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1020x728.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"457\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1020x728.png 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-160x114.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-800x571.png 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-768x548.png 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1200x857.png 1200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1180x842.png 1180w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-960x685.png 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-240x171.png 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-375x268.png 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-520x371.png 520w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs.png 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, one of the countless kids, Bertie, plays with an abacus.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abacus-bertie-not-bright.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hmm, what’s a polite way of saying this kid is probably not that bright due to incest? Oops, I said it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108538\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sue-me-nina-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert bursts in with his long underwear in a twist over an up-and-comer called Karl Marx, who’s advocating for workers’ rights. What if lower-class Brits start wanting basic human rights?! If the massive gap between the classes is bridged even a little bit, Albert and Victoria might have to wear clothes more than once!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Based on hanging out with poor people *checks notes* exactly zero times in his life, Albert feels he knows enough to lecture Victoria on the realities of poverty. Victoria doesn’t waste any time reminding him he’s as much an out-of-touch snob as she is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> “You know nothing of how these people live!”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> “You do?”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> “……….No.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/clapback-meme-victoria-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s what I thought!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert would put his foot in his mouth if there wasn’t already a gigantic silver spoon in there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a hallway, Hot Italian Chef pounces on Babyface Maid and starts making out with her neck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> “Do you think you can contrive to leave the palace for an hour? There’s something I want to show you.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> “What is it?”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> “A surprise.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Surprise” is code for eggplant emoji, isn’t it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Hot Italian Chef unveils his surprise…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108539\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dick-in-a-box.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>…Actually, it ends up not being that (this isn’t \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>). He shows her an inn he wants to buy so they can quit their jobs. Not exactly what I was bargaining for, but okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some rough neighborhood, Albert spends 18 seconds in a poor person’s house and is aghast. 14 people under one roof! And they don’t have their own rooms, let alone their own wings! He gives them a single coin. Surely he can do better than that. Here’s an idea: Donate all the money you don’t spend on contraceptives!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"368\" height=\"208\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, across town, Victoria is riding through the park, complaining about how annoying her childhood pet pony was.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108557\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/haters-my-little-pony-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"342\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If the memory of how terrible it was to have her own horse isn’t enough to upset her, stumbling on Lord Pam enjoying a “vulgar” boxing match does it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, when Albert tries to share his 14-people-in-one-wingless-home anecdote, Victoria interrupts: \u003cem>I’ma let you finish, but OMG Lord Pam is the worst person of all time! He was watching people box! Can you believe what this world has come to?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if sensing how out-of-touch the Queen is, a Chartist on the other side of town decides the ruling class can ignore a petition, but they can’t ignore this rock through that glass window.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108552\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/throw-rock-window.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord Pam warns Victoria that the Chartists are starting to break windows and might eventually decide to break her neck. But Victoria is not concerned. \u003cem>My people love me too much! They adore paying my bills while they suffer!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But an hour later, Victoria starts having doubts and asks Babyface Maid: “Do you think they hate me?” Instead of blurting out “Um, duh,” Babyface Maid says “No way!” and offers to introduce the Queen to a Chartist to ease her worries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the deposed French king shows up at the palace, needing a place to crash, and doesn’t look so good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/louis-philippe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He’s either reacting to being dethroned and almost murdered, or he’s just really upset that we’re living through yet another pregnancy storyline. Same, bro. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Xenadora is getting emotional looking at a portrait of her dead uncle. Bertie runs in and asks what she’s doing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> “I’m remembering an old friend.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bertie:\u003c/strong> “A FAT friend!”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know it’s not right to laugh, but…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108543\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dinosaurs-laugh-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"383\" height=\"277\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen’s quarters, Babyface Maid presents her Chartist friend, who looks a lot like Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108542\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-160x90.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-800x450.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-768x432.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo.jpg 1920w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-960x540.jpg 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-240x135.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-375x211.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Am I crazy?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don’t answer that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria asks Jo if the Chartists want to get rid of her, and Jo says, “We want justice, not revolution!” Victoria is like, \u003cem>Ok cool, just checking, bye! \u003c/em>You might be wondering why this super short scene even exists. Answer: so that we can witness this wonderfully awkward curtsy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/funny-curtsy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria hosts a dinner for the former French king. After weeks of wearing moth-eaten clothes, Xenadora borrows a dress from Victoria and walks in like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38402\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All eyes are on her instead of the Queen. Again, there’s weird tension between Victoria and her sister. Pull each other’s hair or get off the pot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of fighting, Lord Pam and Victoria get into a tiff over the optics of having the French king stay in the palace. Lord Pam thinks it might inspire Chartists to riot. Victoria doesn’t buy it: “We are British! We may grumble, we may protest, but we are not a revolutionary people.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to grumbling, protesting Brits getting revolutionary right outside the palace gate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef looks out at the angry mob and tells Babyface Maid, \u003cem>Hey, this seems like a good time to go buy that inn and avoid being murdered when they storm this place. \u003c/em>But she doesn’t agree:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> “She needs me.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> “No, she employs you.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. Hot Italian Chef isn’t just a pretty face. He should host a self-help podcast!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, a rock flies through a window and almost hits Victoria! And her water breaks!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can we take some historical liberties here and have quadruplets come out so we can move out of this infinite pregnancy loop? Please and thank you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the people burn an effigy of the Queen. And then we’re hit with a “To be continued…”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria’s ovaries and Albert’s sperm. \u003c/strong>Be less impregnable! Swim slower!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie.\u003c/strong> It’s not his fault his mom and dad share grandparents.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Window repair people. \u003c/strong>Revolution: bad for the ruling class, great for business! Congrats!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Victoria’s Childhood Pet Pony. \u003c/strong>Don’t hate me ’cause you ain’t me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lord Pam. \u003c/strong>Victoria might be the Queen, but he’s the reigning Drama Queen. I think we’re supposed to not like him, but I’m excited about whatever messy pot-stirring he’s got in store.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I’ll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Finale Recap: It’s a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It’s Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C’mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Season 3 begins with the British people mulling over guillotine-ing Victoria's head off. NBD.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to catch up with \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. Everyone else, let’s do this thing!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boom! It’s 1848 and we’re in Paris! But hold off on adorning your face with a fake beauty mark and biting into that eclair because the royal palace is being stormed by an angry mob! The fleeing rich inhabitants attempt to drag all their prized paintings, gold-rimmed mirrors and fancy furniture along with them. Um, you guys? A literal bomb just went off right outside that window over there. Maybe leave the end table and haul ass? Just a suggestion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All I know is that this cutie better get out of this alive!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"693\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-160x173.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-800x866.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-768x832.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-960x1040.jpg 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-240x260.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-375x406.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-520x563.jpg 520w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria.jpg 1060w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For any regular readers betting on how soon I would find a way to make this recap about a cute animal, the winning guess is: Before the second paragraph!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If the French baby pup hadn’t graced our screens, I would have just brought up how I’m still not over Dash dying last season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"956\" height=\"712\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket.jpg 956w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-160x119.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-800x596.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-768x572.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-240x179.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-375x279.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-520x387.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 956px) 100vw, 956px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, we can rest assured that he’s in a better place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108554\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"970\" height=\"1168\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs.jpg 970w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-160x193.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-800x963.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-768x925.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-960x1156.jpg 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-240x289.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-375x452.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-520x626.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 970px) 100vw, 970px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the humans (if we must).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While the King of France tries evading certain death by running through underground tunnels, Victoria and her squad stroll through Buckingham Palace in their finest jewels wholly unbothered because all the downtrodden Brits are too hungry (or too polite?) to revolt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The gazillion royal children are in attendance. Just look at how many pregnancy storylines we’ve suffered through over two short seasons!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108334\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1020x813.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"510\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1020x813.png 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-160x128.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-800x638.png 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-768x612.png 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1200x957.png 1200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1180x941.png 1180w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-960x766.png 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-240x191.png 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-375x299.png 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-520x415.png 520w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids.png 1432w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the face I make when thinking about the fact that Queen Victoria had nine kids in total so we still have four more to go:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108335\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"272\" height=\"288\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria.png 272w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria-160x169.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria-240x254.png 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 272px) 100vw, 272px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>UGH, make that three more to go. Victoria and Albert have been busy yet again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1020x622.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"390\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1020x622.png 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-160x98.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-800x488.png 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-768x469.png 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1200x732.png 1200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1180x720.png 1180w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-960x586.png 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-240x146.png 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-375x229.png 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-520x317.png 520w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM.png 1872w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108526\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/enough-pitch-perfect.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"625\" height=\"396\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to a rowboat in the middle of nowhere carrying a mystery woman, who looks an awful lot like Lucy Lawless. Could this be the \u003cem>Xena / Victoria\u003c/em> crossover I never knew I wanted?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, the new Foreign Secretary, Lord Palmerston, is in the mood to cook up some drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the floor of the House of Commons, Pam (that’s what the British people called him back in the day) announces that he’s sent congratulations to the French revolutionaries. He then talks a bunch of smack about autocrats. This doesn’t go over well with Victoria, seeing as “autocrat” is one of her middle names, so she summons Pam and yells at him. With a Sorry, Not Sorry smirk on his face, Pam essentially says, \u003cem>Hold that thought, ma’am. I’m in the middle of undressing all your maids with my eyes. I’ll be right with you though.\u003c/em> After two full seasons of Victoria and Albert at each other’s throats, I welcome this new challenger!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108529\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"368\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, a new footman is introduced. He looks nothing like Xena. Oh, well. Can’t win ’em all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some working-class borough, a group of Chartists debates how to go about securing the right to vote.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Option A:\u003c/strong> Submit a petition that will immediately be thrown into a roaring fireplace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Option B:\u003c/strong> Overthrow the Queen (guillotine assembly required).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They decide to play nice… for now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are getting hot and heavy, until Babyface Maid puts the brakes on their trip to home base. “We have to wait,” she says. “I’m not leaving here in disgrace!” Wait, does she mean she wants to wait until marriage? Or just until after her morning shift? Either way, Hot Italian Chef has blue balls.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108536\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/omg-blue-balls-penis-having-a-heart-attack.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Xena arrives. Turns out she’s Victoria’s older half-sister, Feodora, who left England to marry a German prince when Victoria was nine. So she’s a princess, just like Xena! I knew it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108531\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-i-win.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"191\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From the first impression, it’s hard to tell if Xenadora is either kind of dumb or shady as hell. Like when she makes sure to point out that Albert is their first cousin (still ew). Or when she says, “So many children,” then takes a pregnant pause (pun intended), looks down at Victoria’s stomach and continues in a weird judgmental tone, “…and another one on the way.” (Don’t remind me!) My money’s on shady.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora eventually breaks down and explains the reason for her visit is that the revolutionaries almost got a hold of her. But that doesn’t stop Victoria from complaining about how rude it is to drop in unannounced and how she hopes she doesn’t stay long. Albert is like, \u003cem>Woah, that’s your sister! Her life was in danger! You’re being a brat!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, he would know.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unrelated: I don’t know what this little cutie’s name is, but I am a fan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1020x728.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"457\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1020x728.png 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-160x114.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-800x571.png 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-768x548.png 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1200x857.png 1200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1180x842.png 1180w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-960x685.png 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-240x171.png 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-375x268.png 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-520x371.png 520w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs.png 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, one of the countless kids, Bertie, plays with an abacus.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abacus-bertie-not-bright.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hmm, what’s a polite way of saying this kid is probably not that bright due to incest? Oops, I said it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108538\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sue-me-nina-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert bursts in with his long underwear in a twist over an up-and-comer called Karl Marx, who’s advocating for workers’ rights. What if lower-class Brits start wanting basic human rights?! If the massive gap between the classes is bridged even a little bit, Albert and Victoria might have to wear clothes more than once!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Based on hanging out with poor people *checks notes* exactly zero times in his life, Albert feels he knows enough to lecture Victoria on the realities of poverty. Victoria doesn’t waste any time reminding him he’s as much an out-of-touch snob as she is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> “You know nothing of how these people live!”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> “You do?”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> “……….No.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/clapback-meme-victoria-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s what I thought!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert would put his foot in his mouth if there wasn’t already a gigantic silver spoon in there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a hallway, Hot Italian Chef pounces on Babyface Maid and starts making out with her neck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> “Do you think you can contrive to leave the palace for an hour? There’s something I want to show you.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> “What is it?”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> “A surprise.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Surprise” is code for eggplant emoji, isn’t it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Hot Italian Chef unveils his surprise…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108539\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dick-in-a-box.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>…Actually, it ends up not being that (this isn’t \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>). He shows her an inn he wants to buy so they can quit their jobs. Not exactly what I was bargaining for, but okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some rough neighborhood, Albert spends 18 seconds in a poor person’s house and is aghast. 14 people under one roof! And they don’t have their own rooms, let alone their own wings! He gives them a single coin. Surely he can do better than that. Here’s an idea: Donate all the money you don’t spend on contraceptives!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"368\" height=\"208\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, across town, Victoria is riding through the park, complaining about how annoying her childhood pet pony was.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108557\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/haters-my-little-pony-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"342\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If the memory of how terrible it was to have her own horse isn’t enough to upset her, stumbling on Lord Pam enjoying a “vulgar” boxing match does it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, when Albert tries to share his 14-people-in-one-wingless-home anecdote, Victoria interrupts: \u003cem>I’ma let you finish, but OMG Lord Pam is the worst person of all time! He was watching people box! Can you believe what this world has come to?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if sensing how out-of-touch the Queen is, a Chartist on the other side of town decides the ruling class can ignore a petition, but they can’t ignore this rock through that glass window.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108552\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/throw-rock-window.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord Pam warns Victoria that the Chartists are starting to break windows and might eventually decide to break her neck. But Victoria is not concerned. \u003cem>My people love me too much! They adore paying my bills while they suffer!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But an hour later, Victoria starts having doubts and asks Babyface Maid: “Do you think they hate me?” Instead of blurting out “Um, duh,” Babyface Maid says “No way!” and offers to introduce the Queen to a Chartist to ease her worries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the deposed French king shows up at the palace, needing a place to crash, and doesn’t look so good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/louis-philippe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He’s either reacting to being dethroned and almost murdered, or he’s just really upset that we’re living through yet another pregnancy storyline. Same, bro. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Xenadora is getting emotional looking at a portrait of her dead uncle. Bertie runs in and asks what she’s doing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> “I’m remembering an old friend.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bertie:\u003c/strong> “A FAT friend!”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know it’s not right to laugh, but…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108543\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dinosaurs-laugh-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"383\" height=\"277\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen’s quarters, Babyface Maid presents her Chartist friend, who looks a lot like Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108542\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-160x90.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-800x450.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-768x432.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo.jpg 1920w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-960x540.jpg 960w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-240x135.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-375x211.jpg 375w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Am I crazy?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don’t answer that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria asks Jo if the Chartists want to get rid of her, and Jo says, “We want justice, not revolution!” Victoria is like, \u003cem>Ok cool, just checking, bye! \u003c/em>You might be wondering why this super short scene even exists. Answer: so that we can witness this wonderfully awkward curtsy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/funny-curtsy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria hosts a dinner for the former French king. After weeks of wearing moth-eaten clothes, Xenadora borrows a dress from Victoria and walks in like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38402\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All eyes are on her instead of the Queen. Again, there’s weird tension between Victoria and her sister. Pull each other’s hair or get off the pot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of fighting, Lord Pam and Victoria get into a tiff over the optics of having the French king stay in the palace. Lord Pam thinks it might inspire Chartists to riot. Victoria doesn’t buy it: “We are British! We may grumble, we may protest, but we are not a revolutionary people.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to grumbling, protesting Brits getting revolutionary right outside the palace gate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef looks out at the angry mob and tells Babyface Maid, \u003cem>Hey, this seems like a good time to go buy that inn and avoid being murdered when they storm this place. \u003c/em>But she doesn’t agree:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> “She needs me.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> “No, she employs you.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. Hot Italian Chef isn’t just a pretty face. He should host a self-help podcast!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, a rock flies through a window and almost hits Victoria! And her water breaks!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can we take some historical liberties here and have quadruplets come out so we can move out of this infinite pregnancy loop? Please and thank you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the people burn an effigy of the Queen. And then we’re hit with a “To be continued…”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria’s ovaries and Albert’s sperm. \u003c/strong>Be less impregnable! Swim slower!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie.\u003c/strong> It’s not his fault his mom and dad share grandparents.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Window repair people. \u003c/strong>Revolution: bad for the ruling class, great for business! Congrats!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Victoria’s Childhood Pet Pony. \u003c/strong>Don’t hate me ’cause you ain’t me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lord Pam. \u003c/strong>Victoria might be the Queen, but he’s the reigning Drama Queen. I think we’re supposed to not like him, but I’m excited about whatever messy pot-stirring he’s got in store.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I’ll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">‘Victoria’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Finale Recap: It’s a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">‘Victoria’ Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It’s Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C’mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 4 Finale Recap: Kiss Off",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Finale Recap: Kiss Off",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105809/poldark-season-4-episode-7-recap-london-calling\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross murdered Demelza's wannabe date rapist by shooting him in the groin. My calves are still aching from all the dancing I did on his grave.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107376\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/elaine-seinfeld-dance-graves.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"458\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers hand over the Drake and Morwenna wedding we deserve so I can keep my leg muscles toned? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tarot Card Agatha is celebrating her birthda.... wait, what the hell is going on?! She's supposed to be dead! Francis (a.k.a. Backstabber Cousin) is there too, despite being murdered by a puddle a while ago. You remember:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107469\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drowning-puddle-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is this purgatory?! Alas, no, it's just a flashback to 1780. All the boys have longer hair and Elizabeth has yet to betray Ross by boo-ing up with his cousin while he's trying to survive a war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha tells everyone she's going to outlive them all (a prophecy I'd gladly get behind). For a seer, she really sucks at predicting the future. Blame the port, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107540\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/agatha-wine-port-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"188\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bewigged, fashionably late Ross arrives and makes an announcement:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hey, ladies and germs! I just enlisted to check out that little scuffle over in America. I think it'll be pretty chill. Six months tops! Definitely not an eight-year-long bloodbath! And there's probably no chance that I'll have to watch all my friends die, get a huge scar on the side of my face and get unceremoniously dumped by my girlfriend while I'm away!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speak of the devil, Elizabeth waltzes in and drools all over Ross. Francis looks on like a weirdo:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107470\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-francis-gif-agatha.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's like he's an extra-terrestrial trying out this smiling thing for the first time. Awkward face muscles aside, can we take a moment to appreciate how into hand kisses Agatha is in the background? Such a legend! The show hasn't been the same without her and her cute, prolonged farts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/916919639166246912\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha pulls a card while staring at Elizabeth. \"She'll break a few hearts and bear beautiful children.\" True on the first count. Might want to check again on the second. No offense, but I would not call Duke of Puking in Random Corners Geoffrey Charles beautiful. And the jury's still out on Malfoy's gestating spawn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107569\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ugly-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity, perpetually the accidental sh*t-stirrer, asks, \"But who will be their father?\" Francis shares a look with Malfoy and ventures a guess: \"Well, not us, at any rate. It's always been Ross. It will always be Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wrong again! The answer we were looking for is: She will have a kid with each of you in the messiest Jerry Springer way possible.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107570\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/jerry-springer-pregnant-fight.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"397\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boom! We're back in 1799! Thanks to drunk ass Geoffrey Charles blurting out how obvious it is that Valentine is Ross' kid, Elizabeth needs to re-convince Malfoy that the only reason Valentine was born suspiciously early is because premature babies are her thing. Under a pseudonym, she seeks the help of a shady doctor, who gives her a Premie Potion. A spoonful will make that baby pop right on out. Sounds totally safe! Good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, little-eared Horace (and Blondie) convince Ross to return to Cornwall with them so that he can apologize to Demelza for all the victim-blaming and groin-shooting he got up to last episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107477 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the carriage ride, a worried Horace (and Blondie) look on as Ross relives the duel drama in a daydream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-blondie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But this time, instead of Sir Scam-A-Lot, he shoots Prison Bestie! Give it a rest, Ross! The poor horny poet is long dead! So he had sand-dune sex with your wife! It happens! Get over it in the same way you expected Demelza to get over your own infidelity (not to mention, your love child)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107541\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/end-of-rant-mic-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Cornwall, Drake visits the cave he and Morwenna used to make out in and makes a wish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Are you there, God? It's me, \u003cdel>Margaret\u003c/del> Drake, Sam's brother... you know, the guy who's so obsessed with you that you had to get a restraining order against him. Yeah, him! Anyway, could you cure Morwenna's PTSD so we can know something other than misery? Also, while I'm asking for things, could you inspire these haters to stop trying to murder me and burn down my barns? Thanks in advance! TTYL!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All of a sudden, a whimper echoes around the make-out cave. It's Morwenna! And she's running away from Drake because that's her thing now (it's important to cultivate a personal brand).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake eventually catches up with her on a cliff's edge, the second most popular place to have really emotional and dramatic conversations (#1 is obviously beside crashing waves).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Drake:\u003c/strong> \"Morwenna! I made a wish! The same wish.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107542\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/kristin-wiig-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"It will never be granted! I told you why!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107543\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/kristin-wiig-ooo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Drake:\u003c/strong> \"And yet, do ye not think there not be more to life than carnal love? Just being together? Seeing together? All that's good and pure and rare and beautiful in the world? The glow of corn and the smell of spring? Summer rain? Autumn wind? Watching you wake, watching you sleep? Oh, my love, what is life if ye live it alone? Marry me. Be my wife. In name only. I'll never ask ye for more. Do ye not love me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107544\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/kristin-wiig-face-reaction.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"Of course I love you. This has never been just about love.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Drake:\u003c/strong> \"But it has. And can only ever be. Will ye walk with me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107547 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/kristin-wiig-laughing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then she does!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107546\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/giphy-5.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake and Morwenna find Demelza and tell her they plan to wed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10620\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/01/kristen-wiig-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"166\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Merch line is back on! It's finally happening!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-160x136.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-240x204.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-375x318.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-520x441.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106899\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"452\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets-160x193.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets-240x289.jpg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 375px) 100vw, 375px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106886\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"742\" height=\"678\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit.png 742w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-160x146.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-240x219.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-375x343.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-520x475.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 742px) 100vw, 742px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106900\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1180x1180.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum, Malfoy, Elizabeth and Valentine are sharing a miserable carriage ride back to Cornwall. Valentine asks for a horse (so relatable). Malfoy glares at Valentine (now Ross Jr. in his eyes) and gives him the silent treatment. A totally normal thing for an adult man to do. Babies and grown-ups alike drop dead like flies pretty much every episode. Why isn't it ever Malfoy's turn??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107548\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/i-hate-waiting.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Elizabeth hears of Morwenna's attempt at finally being happy and rushes over to make her feel bad about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \"But your child! How could you bring yourself to leave him?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"He was taken from me, as much was taken from me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth remembers, \u003cem>Ohhhh yeah, I totally forgot about selling my own cousin into an abusive marriage against her will and about how she was raped a bunch and then almost committed to an insane asylum!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If only there was a tutorial out there that could help bad people stay on top of their evil deeds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-1020x1275.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"800\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-1020x1275.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-160x200.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-800x1000.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-768x960.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-960x1200.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-240x300.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-375x469.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-520x650.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies.jpg 1103w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since involving herself in Morwenna's last marriage turned out so great, Elizabeth tries to convince Morwenna to get married at Malfoy's house. It makes perfect sense for Drake to get hitched in the home of the man who's been continuously trying to have him killed for the past several years.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna gives Elizabeth an are-you-fing-kidding-me look and doesn't say anything for a while. I'm guessing Morwenna is taking the time to weigh the pros and cons of grabbing a candlestick and thwacking her no-good cousin over the head with it. Instead, Morwenna swallows all of Elizabeth's BS and gets manipulated into walking her all the way home. I preferred the death-by-Lumiere option, but that's just me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they get there, Elizabeth pressures Morwenna to come inside. Is Liz going to trap Morwenna in a bunker for a decade, after which Morwenna will be rescued, move to New York City and star in a silly Netflix series about reacclimating to a brave new world?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-1020x766.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"481\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-1020x766.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-800x601.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-768x577.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-1200x902.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-1180x887.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-960x721.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-520x391.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy.jpg 1737w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I would watch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Against her better judgment, Morwenna stays for dinner, only to have Malfoy come home in a terrible mood. Since Geoffrey Charles already burst into the room and blurted out pot-stirring info last episode, this time it's Valentine's turn. \u003cem>Fake papa, did you know Morwenna is getting married?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy asks a maid to take \"that child\" away and doesn't waste any time calling Morwenna a trollop and throwing her out of the house. Elizabeth is too busy acting surprised to stop any of it. Drop the act, sister! It's tired! Your husband is evil! And you are complicit! Accept it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107551\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/annoying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By this point, word has gotten around that Elizabeth cousin-napped Morwenna, so Ross gallops off to rescue her. She's gone by the time he arrives, but that doesn't stop Malfoy from calling Ross inside because he lives for the drama and shouting about what a \"dim-witted trull\" Morwenna is. Again, Elizabeth acts surprised by how evil Malfoy is. She's giving me a headache!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107553\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/new-york-pollard-headache-migraine-rub-head.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then Malfoy threatens to shoot Ross on the spot if he comes over ever again. Is Lil Malfoy that small? The insecurity! Geez!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The last time these two were together, Malfoy used Ross' face as a coin slot, and now this? Ross has HAD IT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107554\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/iva-had-it-officially-ross-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross lays it all out: \u003cem>Dude, you live in my family home, you stole my mine, you tried forcing me into bankruptcy, you encouraged a scammer to try date raping my wife and you married the ex I will never get over. And all because I put a frog in your pants two decades ago?! What more do you want?? Why isn't all this enough?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy responds by throwing yet another Veruca Salt-sized temper tantrum. Maid, can you take this child away too? Thank you next.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/malfoy-george-poldark-bad-egg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"334\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this show never tires of torturing Morwenna, Malfoy's Slytherin cronies are chasing her through the woods with rabid dogs. Enough! Let this girl be happy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/leave-morwenna-britney-alone-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"162\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just as the Slytherin cronies have Morwenna pinned against a tree, Drake appears, wielding a huge stick that says, NOT TODAY, SATAN! For some reason, the Slytherin cronies back down. I would have preferred some skull-cracking, but this works too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the manor, Malfoy and Elizabeth fight over Valentine some more. Malfoy says he knows Valentine's not really his son because of what Agatha told him after he canceled her 100th birthday party just to be a prick.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107556\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/agatha.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Such an iconic moment! Almost as iconic as...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107557\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/agatha-gun-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth continues to deny it all. And the Oscar for Best Actress in a Hell of Her Own Making goes to...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth stomps off to her bedroom, where she takes the Premie Potion. Moments later, Malfoy finds her passed out on the ground. We don't get to see her faint this time, but it's safe to assume it was bobble-head-ish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107128\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/elizabeth-faints-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Horace is posing for a Playpup centerfold.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107533\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1020x600.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"376\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1020x600.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-160x94.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-800x471.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-768x452.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1200x706.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1920x1130.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1180x695.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-960x565.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-240x141.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-375x221.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-520x306.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hair, body, face; triple threat! Those curves! Those gams! So bodacious!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc is summoned to Elizabeth's bedside, where she is being as obvious as possible: \u003cem>Wow! It's just like last time! Another premie! What a coincidink! I don't cheat; I just have an inhospitable womb! See? Valentine is your baby (if you squint a lot and ignore all the other obvious signs)!\u003c/em> Malfoy buys it cause he's an idiot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth gives birth to a baby girl and names her Urusla because being a Disney villain runs in this family. Malfoy vows to be a better human being and stop treating Valentine like trash. Also, he announces that he found a shady way to force the Prime Minister to recommend him for a knighthood. How nice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/eyeroll-drink-nicole-richie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza are back on speaking / sexy terms, but not all is forgiven just yet. Spitting strawberries into each other's mouths is still off the menu.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107534\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1020x553.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"347\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1020x553.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-160x87.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-800x434.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-768x417.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1200x651.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1920x1041.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1180x640.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-960x521.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-240x130.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-375x203.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-520x282.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because he just can't help himself, Ross brings up Prison Bestie AGAIN (for those keeping track at home, the season total is now at 943). Get a grip, Ross! The poetry wasn't that good! And sand dune sex isn't all it's cracked out to be. Two words: gritty undercarriages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107559\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/sandy-dog.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"270\" height=\"348\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Elizabeth wakes up with intense cramps. She asks Malfoy, \"Why is it so dark? I'm afraid of the dark!\" Thumper's mom \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fYngTUZeUQ\">has advised me\u003c/a> not to comment on this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107571\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/genie_zipper.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having heard that Elizabeth is ill, Ross rushes over and is promptly denied at the door on Malfoy's order. Ross breaks in anyway and implores Malfoy to quit being such a little sh*t. That's when Malfoy very flippantly announces: \u003cem>Oh, by the way, Elizabeth is totally dead.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107560\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shocked-owl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross hurries to her bedroom and finds that it's true. He kisses her one final time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107377\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/thats-sad-huh-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyone who is a dedicated reader of these recaps knows I do not care for Elizabeth. Just cause she's dead now doesn't erase all the terrible stuff she's done. Not gonna get any real tears from me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107572\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/fake-cry-again.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"336\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, I'll admit that Valentine grabbing hold of Malfoy's hand while looking at his dead mother did put me in my feeling just a wee bit, but it's time to snap out of it 'cause we are being graced with the last Horace scene of the season!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107562 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ebony-antm-fake-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"164\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know there are more serious issues at hand right now, but can someone please let Horace down? (Watch the bottom left corner.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107538 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-cant-get-down.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jumping off of furniture is beneath someone of his social standing!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107537 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-looking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a cliff's edge, Ross tells Demelza that Elizabeth is dead. She acts concerned, but we all know what's she's really thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/oh-and-demelza-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moral of the story: if you and your hot husband cheat on each other, both of your affair partners will end up dead in no time. Adultery kills!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for the season's final fireplace couple's therapy session. Ross brings up Prison Bestie yet again (updated count: 944) and Demelza does her best to put his jealousy to bed: \"Prison Bestie did touch my heart \u003cdel>and a few other things\u003c/del>, but only you have ever owned it.\" Aw, that's nice. \u003cem>Prudie, fetch the strawberries! We've got some sexy baby bird feeding to do! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because I would revolt without it, the writers FINALLY LET DRAKE AND MORWENNA GET MARRIED!!!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-7660\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mrual4lQ0P1qz4rgp.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"195\" height=\"130\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107563\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/excited-kid.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"322\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107564 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/celebrate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And not a moment too soon! I can finally exhale now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While everyone celebrates mere feet away, Malfoy stares at Elizabeth's grave while plotting another season worth of evil shenanigans. But I'm not going to worry about any of that now. I've got better things to do, mainly putting on my official Morwennake one-piece bathing suit and then giving myself a manicure using the official Drakenna nail clipper, while sipping tea out of the official Morwennake tea set, before going to bed wrapped in the official Drakenna comforter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Elizabeth.\u003c/strong> I could pretend that I care that she's dead, but y'all would know I was faking. I have two parting messages for Elizabeth. The first: TTYN. And the last:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heLL1ExEzQA\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Prison Bestie\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Even in death, he and his horny poetry continued to define this season. As Beyonce says, \"You know you that b*tch when you cause all this conversation.\"\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Drake and Morwenna. \u003c/strong>Neither of them died, despite everyone's best efforts! Huzzah! And the future of my Drakenna / Morwennake merch line looks bright! Refrigerators, toilet plungers, neck tattoos. Sky's the limit!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Agatha. \u003c/strong>She was in the episode for approximately 42 seconds, but 42 seconds of Agatha is greater than 42 minutes of most of these other characters. A true legend. I hope there's a lot of port in heaven.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>Scene-stealer. Heart-breaker. The only character worthy of a knighthood.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until next year (or until \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">my \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> start back up again in January, if you're into that sort of thing)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105809/poldark-season-4-episode-7-recap-london-calling\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 7 Recap: London Calling\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105807/poldark-season-4-episode-6-recap-mo-money-mo-problems\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 6 Recap: Mo Money Mo Problems\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105809/poldark-season-4-episode-7-recap-london-calling\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross murdered Demelza's wannabe date rapist by shooting him in the groin. My calves are still aching from all the dancing I did on his grave.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107376\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/elaine-seinfeld-dance-graves.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"458\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers hand over the Drake and Morwenna wedding we deserve so I can keep my leg muscles toned? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tarot Card Agatha is celebrating her birthda.... wait, what the hell is going on?! She's supposed to be dead! Francis (a.k.a. Backstabber Cousin) is there too, despite being murdered by a puddle a while ago. You remember:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107469\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drowning-puddle-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is this purgatory?! Alas, no, it's just a flashback to 1780. All the boys have longer hair and Elizabeth has yet to betray Ross by boo-ing up with his cousin while he's trying to survive a war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha tells everyone she's going to outlive them all (a prophecy I'd gladly get behind). For a seer, she really sucks at predicting the future. Blame the port, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107540\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/agatha-wine-port-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"188\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bewigged, fashionably late Ross arrives and makes an announcement:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hey, ladies and germs! I just enlisted to check out that little scuffle over in America. I think it'll be pretty chill. Six months tops! Definitely not an eight-year-long bloodbath! And there's probably no chance that I'll have to watch all my friends die, get a huge scar on the side of my face and get unceremoniously dumped by my girlfriend while I'm away!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speak of the devil, Elizabeth waltzes in and drools all over Ross. Francis looks on like a weirdo:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107470\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-francis-gif-agatha.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's like he's an extra-terrestrial trying out this smiling thing for the first time. Awkward face muscles aside, can we take a moment to appreciate how into hand kisses Agatha is in the background? Such a legend! The show hasn't been the same without her and her cute, prolonged farts.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Agatha pulls a card while staring at Elizabeth. \"She'll break a few hearts and bear beautiful children.\" True on the first count. Might want to check again on the second. No offense, but I would not call Duke of Puking in Random Corners Geoffrey Charles beautiful. And the jury's still out on Malfoy's gestating spawn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107569\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ugly-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity, perpetually the accidental sh*t-stirrer, asks, \"But who will be their father?\" Francis shares a look with Malfoy and ventures a guess: \"Well, not us, at any rate. It's always been Ross. It will always be Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wrong again! The answer we were looking for is: She will have a kid with each of you in the messiest Jerry Springer way possible.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107570\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/jerry-springer-pregnant-fight.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"397\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boom! We're back in 1799! Thanks to drunk ass Geoffrey Charles blurting out how obvious it is that Valentine is Ross' kid, Elizabeth needs to re-convince Malfoy that the only reason Valentine was born suspiciously early is because premature babies are her thing. Under a pseudonym, she seeks the help of a shady doctor, who gives her a Premie Potion. A spoonful will make that baby pop right on out. Sounds totally safe! Good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, little-eared Horace (and Blondie) convince Ross to return to Cornwall with them so that he can apologize to Demelza for all the victim-blaming and groin-shooting he got up to last episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107477 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the carriage ride, a worried Horace (and Blondie) look on as Ross relives the duel drama in a daydream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-blondie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But this time, instead of Sir Scam-A-Lot, he shoots Prison Bestie! Give it a rest, Ross! The poor horny poet is long dead! So he had sand-dune sex with your wife! It happens! Get over it in the same way you expected Demelza to get over your own infidelity (not to mention, your love child)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107541\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/end-of-rant-mic-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Cornwall, Drake visits the cave he and Morwenna used to make out in and makes a wish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Are you there, God? It's me, \u003cdel>Margaret\u003c/del> Drake, Sam's brother... you know, the guy who's so obsessed with you that you had to get a restraining order against him. Yeah, him! Anyway, could you cure Morwenna's PTSD so we can know something other than misery? Also, while I'm asking for things, could you inspire these haters to stop trying to murder me and burn down my barns? Thanks in advance! TTYL!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All of a sudden, a whimper echoes around the make-out cave. It's Morwenna! And she's running away from Drake because that's her thing now (it's important to cultivate a personal brand).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake eventually catches up with her on a cliff's edge, the second most popular place to have really emotional and dramatic conversations (#1 is obviously beside crashing waves).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Drake:\u003c/strong> \"Morwenna! I made a wish! The same wish.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107542\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/kristin-wiig-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"It will never be granted! I told you why!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107543\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/kristin-wiig-ooo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Drake:\u003c/strong> \"And yet, do ye not think there not be more to life than carnal love? Just being together? Seeing together? All that's good and pure and rare and beautiful in the world? The glow of corn and the smell of spring? Summer rain? Autumn wind? Watching you wake, watching you sleep? Oh, my love, what is life if ye live it alone? Marry me. Be my wife. In name only. I'll never ask ye for more. Do ye not love me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107544\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/kristin-wiig-face-reaction.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"Of course I love you. This has never been just about love.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Drake:\u003c/strong> \"But it has. And can only ever be. Will ye walk with me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107547 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/kristin-wiig-laughing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then she does!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107546\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/giphy-5.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake and Morwenna find Demelza and tell her they plan to wed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10620\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/01/kristen-wiig-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"166\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Merch line is back on! It's finally happening!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-160x136.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-240x204.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-375x318.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-520x441.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106899\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"452\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets-160x193.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets-240x289.jpg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 375px) 100vw, 375px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106886\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"742\" height=\"678\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit.png 742w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-160x146.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-240x219.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-375x343.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-520x475.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 742px) 100vw, 742px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106900\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1180x1180.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum, Malfoy, Elizabeth and Valentine are sharing a miserable carriage ride back to Cornwall. Valentine asks for a horse (so relatable). Malfoy glares at Valentine (now Ross Jr. in his eyes) and gives him the silent treatment. A totally normal thing for an adult man to do. Babies and grown-ups alike drop dead like flies pretty much every episode. Why isn't it ever Malfoy's turn??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107548\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/i-hate-waiting.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Elizabeth hears of Morwenna's attempt at finally being happy and rushes over to make her feel bad about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \"But your child! How could you bring yourself to leave him?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"He was taken from me, as much was taken from me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth remembers, \u003cem>Ohhhh yeah, I totally forgot about selling my own cousin into an abusive marriage against her will and about how she was raped a bunch and then almost committed to an insane asylum!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If only there was a tutorial out there that could help bad people stay on top of their evil deeds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-1020x1275.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"800\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-1020x1275.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-160x200.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-800x1000.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-768x960.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-960x1200.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-240x300.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-375x469.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies-520x650.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-for-dummies.jpg 1103w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since involving herself in Morwenna's last marriage turned out so great, Elizabeth tries to convince Morwenna to get married at Malfoy's house. It makes perfect sense for Drake to get hitched in the home of the man who's been continuously trying to have him killed for the past several years.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna gives Elizabeth an are-you-fing-kidding-me look and doesn't say anything for a while. I'm guessing Morwenna is taking the time to weigh the pros and cons of grabbing a candlestick and thwacking her no-good cousin over the head with it. Instead, Morwenna swallows all of Elizabeth's BS and gets manipulated into walking her all the way home. I preferred the death-by-Lumiere option, but that's just me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they get there, Elizabeth pressures Morwenna to come inside. Is Liz going to trap Morwenna in a bunker for a decade, after which Morwenna will be rescued, move to New York City and star in a silly Netflix series about reacclimating to a brave new world?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-1020x766.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"481\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-1020x766.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-800x601.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-768x577.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-1200x902.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-1180x887.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-960x721.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy-520x391.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/unbreakable-morwenna-kimmy.jpg 1737w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I would watch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Against her better judgment, Morwenna stays for dinner, only to have Malfoy come home in a terrible mood. Since Geoffrey Charles already burst into the room and blurted out pot-stirring info last episode, this time it's Valentine's turn. \u003cem>Fake papa, did you know Morwenna is getting married?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy asks a maid to take \"that child\" away and doesn't waste any time calling Morwenna a trollop and throwing her out of the house. Elizabeth is too busy acting surprised to stop any of it. Drop the act, sister! It's tired! Your husband is evil! And you are complicit! Accept it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107551\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/annoying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By this point, word has gotten around that Elizabeth cousin-napped Morwenna, so Ross gallops off to rescue her. She's gone by the time he arrives, but that doesn't stop Malfoy from calling Ross inside because he lives for the drama and shouting about what a \"dim-witted trull\" Morwenna is. Again, Elizabeth acts surprised by how evil Malfoy is. She's giving me a headache!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107553\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/new-york-pollard-headache-migraine-rub-head.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then Malfoy threatens to shoot Ross on the spot if he comes over ever again. Is Lil Malfoy that small? The insecurity! Geez!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The last time these two were together, Malfoy used Ross' face as a coin slot, and now this? Ross has HAD IT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107554\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/iva-had-it-officially-ross-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross lays it all out: \u003cem>Dude, you live in my family home, you stole my mine, you tried forcing me into bankruptcy, you encouraged a scammer to try date raping my wife and you married the ex I will never get over. And all because I put a frog in your pants two decades ago?! What more do you want?? Why isn't all this enough?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy responds by throwing yet another Veruca Salt-sized temper tantrum. Maid, can you take this child away too? Thank you next.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/malfoy-george-poldark-bad-egg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"334\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this show never tires of torturing Morwenna, Malfoy's Slytherin cronies are chasing her through the woods with rabid dogs. Enough! Let this girl be happy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/leave-morwenna-britney-alone-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"162\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just as the Slytherin cronies have Morwenna pinned against a tree, Drake appears, wielding a huge stick that says, NOT TODAY, SATAN! For some reason, the Slytherin cronies back down. I would have preferred some skull-cracking, but this works too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the manor, Malfoy and Elizabeth fight over Valentine some more. Malfoy says he knows Valentine's not really his son because of what Agatha told him after he canceled her 100th birthday party just to be a prick.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107556\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/agatha.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Such an iconic moment! Almost as iconic as...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107557\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/agatha-gun-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth continues to deny it all. And the Oscar for Best Actress in a Hell of Her Own Making goes to...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth stomps off to her bedroom, where she takes the Premie Potion. Moments later, Malfoy finds her passed out on the ground. We don't get to see her faint this time, but it's safe to assume it was bobble-head-ish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107128\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/elizabeth-faints-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Horace is posing for a Playpup centerfold.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107533\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1020x600.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"376\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1020x600.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-160x94.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-800x471.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-768x452.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1200x706.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1920x1130.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-1180x695.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-960x565.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-240x141.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-375x221.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-centerfold-520x306.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hair, body, face; triple threat! Those curves! Those gams! So bodacious!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc is summoned to Elizabeth's bedside, where she is being as obvious as possible: \u003cem>Wow! It's just like last time! Another premie! What a coincidink! I don't cheat; I just have an inhospitable womb! See? Valentine is your baby (if you squint a lot and ignore all the other obvious signs)!\u003c/em> Malfoy buys it cause he's an idiot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth gives birth to a baby girl and names her Urusla because being a Disney villain runs in this family. Malfoy vows to be a better human being and stop treating Valentine like trash. Also, he announces that he found a shady way to force the Prime Minister to recommend him for a knighthood. How nice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/eyeroll-drink-nicole-richie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza are back on speaking / sexy terms, but not all is forgiven just yet. Spitting strawberries into each other's mouths is still off the menu.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107534\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1020x553.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"347\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1020x553.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-160x87.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-800x434.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-768x417.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1200x651.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1920x1041.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-1180x640.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-960x521.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-240x130.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-375x203.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-nipple-censored-520x282.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because he just can't help himself, Ross brings up Prison Bestie AGAIN (for those keeping track at home, the season total is now at 943). Get a grip, Ross! The poetry wasn't that good! And sand dune sex isn't all it's cracked out to be. Two words: gritty undercarriages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107559\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/sandy-dog.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"270\" height=\"348\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Elizabeth wakes up with intense cramps. She asks Malfoy, \"Why is it so dark? I'm afraid of the dark!\" Thumper's mom \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fYngTUZeUQ\">has advised me\u003c/a> not to comment on this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107571\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/genie_zipper.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having heard that Elizabeth is ill, Ross rushes over and is promptly denied at the door on Malfoy's order. Ross breaks in anyway and implores Malfoy to quit being such a little sh*t. That's when Malfoy very flippantly announces: \u003cem>Oh, by the way, Elizabeth is totally dead.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107560\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shocked-owl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross hurries to her bedroom and finds that it's true. He kisses her one final time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107377\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/thats-sad-huh-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyone who is a dedicated reader of these recaps knows I do not care for Elizabeth. Just cause she's dead now doesn't erase all the terrible stuff she's done. Not gonna get any real tears from me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107572\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/fake-cry-again.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"336\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, I'll admit that Valentine grabbing hold of Malfoy's hand while looking at his dead mother did put me in my feeling just a wee bit, but it's time to snap out of it 'cause we are being graced with the last Horace scene of the season!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107562 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ebony-antm-fake-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"164\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know there are more serious issues at hand right now, but can someone please let Horace down? (Watch the bottom left corner.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107538 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-cant-get-down.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jumping off of furniture is beneath someone of his social standing!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107537 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-looking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a cliff's edge, Ross tells Demelza that Elizabeth is dead. She acts concerned, but we all know what's she's really thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/oh-and-demelza-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moral of the story: if you and your hot husband cheat on each other, both of your affair partners will end up dead in no time. Adultery kills!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for the season's final fireplace couple's therapy session. Ross brings up Prison Bestie yet again (updated count: 944) and Demelza does her best to put his jealousy to bed: \"Prison Bestie did touch my heart \u003cdel>and a few other things\u003c/del>, but only you have ever owned it.\" Aw, that's nice. \u003cem>Prudie, fetch the strawberries! We've got some sexy baby bird feeding to do! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because I would revolt without it, the writers FINALLY LET DRAKE AND MORWENNA GET MARRIED!!!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-7660\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mrual4lQ0P1qz4rgp.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"195\" height=\"130\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107563\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/excited-kid.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"322\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107564 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/celebrate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And not a moment too soon! I can finally exhale now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While everyone celebrates mere feet away, Malfoy stares at Elizabeth's grave while plotting another season worth of evil shenanigans. But I'm not going to worry about any of that now. I've got better things to do, mainly putting on my official Morwennake one-piece bathing suit and then giving myself a manicure using the official Drakenna nail clipper, while sipping tea out of the official Morwennake tea set, before going to bed wrapped in the official Drakenna comforter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Elizabeth.\u003c/strong> I could pretend that I care that she's dead, but y'all would know I was faking. I have two parting messages for Elizabeth. The first: TTYN. And the last:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/heLL1ExEzQA'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/heLL1ExEzQA'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Prison Bestie\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Even in death, he and his horny poetry continued to define this season. As Beyonce says, \"You know you that b*tch when you cause all this conversation.\"\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Drake and Morwenna. \u003c/strong>Neither of them died, despite everyone's best efforts! Huzzah! And the future of my Drakenna / Morwennake merch line looks bright! Refrigerators, toilet plungers, neck tattoos. Sky's the limit!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Agatha. \u003c/strong>She was in the episode for approximately 42 seconds, but 42 seconds of Agatha is greater than 42 minutes of most of these other characters. A true legend. I hope there's a lot of port in heaven.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>Scene-stealer. Heart-breaker. The only character worthy of a knighthood.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until next year (or until \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">my \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> start back up again in January, if you're into that sort of thing)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105809/poldark-season-4-episode-7-recap-london-calling\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 7 Recap: London Calling\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105807/poldark-season-4-episode-6-recap-mo-money-mo-problems\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 6 Recap: Mo Money Mo Problems\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 7 Recap: London Calling",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 7 Recap: London Calling",
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"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105807/poldark-season-4-episode-6-recap-mo-money-mo-problems\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Elizabeth and Morwenna both realized they were carrying demonic embryos. Will they pose for an \u003cem>OMG-we're-both-preggers-at-the-same-time\u003c/em> photoshoot like Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107331\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"516\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth.jpg 615w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth-160x206.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth-240x309.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth-375x484.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth-520x671.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We pick up right where we left off: with Ross and Demelza mid-coitus on the floor of their London sex den. They take turns spitting strawberries into each other's mouths.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-spit.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is there anything that could ruin the sexual healing mood?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yes, there is, and it's this line from Demelza:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Do you wish the children were here?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107348\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shrink-sign-language.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is like, \u003cem>Um, not so much! My twig and berries are literally out right now. The fact that we leave the kids at home all the time and ignore them when we're actually around is enough fodder for their future therapy sessions, let's not add witnessing their parents boink to the list.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza continues to, um, deflate the situation, with this line: \"Well, at this rate, we'll be soon adding to their number.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No more pregnancies!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This isn't PBS' \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">Victoria\u003c/a>\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just have filthy floorboard sex and let that be enough!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Swim slower, Ross' sperm!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Be more standoffish, Demelza's ovaries!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107349\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/NO-MORE-KIDS.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy shows off the new mansion he bought with blood money and announces he will host a masked ball so that Geoffrey Charles and all the other rich Londoners have another opportunity to puke all over the place.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth tries to slow his roll a little bit: \"My dear, recollect how many times your invitations have not found the favor they deserve.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Translation: You are a social pariah and absolutely no one wants to willingly party with you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy agrees that everyone hates his guts, but adds he plans to make it a charity event so everyone shows up out of pity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The entire time this conversation is happening, poor little Valentine is in the corner silently playing on a huge rocking horse. #OnlyChildProblems\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Compare and contrast:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/rocking-horse.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107335\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/seesaw-valentine-lonely-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"367\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a daytime rave, Demelza is delighted by all the razzmatazz London has to offer. Somehow, she doesn't notice the best and cutest guest at the party:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107336\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/monkey-cute-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I want to know this monkey's name and what she's munching on and what her favorite color is! (If I had to guess I'd say Curious Georgina, watermelon Bubblicious gum and aquamarine.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, Horace the Pug catches me checking out a cute \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> animal that isn't him. My bad! Behold the one and only king of my heart:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107337\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-cutie-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Such a heartthrob! What monkey?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Ross and Demelza's sex den, Demelza says she's tuckered out from all the sight-seeing and is going to take a nap. Ross seductively asks, \"What if I have other plans for you?\" They proceed to have sex for the 392nd time this week. I hope they tip the hotel maid a pretty penny (pence?) for having to scrub down every surface after they check out. Also, as I said before, PLEASE NO MORE BABIES. JUST SAY NO!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Drake takes a look at the new barn he's moving into. This one is somehow sadder than the last. Sam offers to help him renovate it. I smell an HGTV spinoff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107350\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"616\" height=\"347\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers.jpg 616w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 616px) 100vw, 616px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over on Toe Jam Lane, Gross Goblin Mama stands a mere three paces away from Morwenna as she tells a doctor about her plan to lock Morwenna up in a loony bin the second she gives birth to the Anti-Christ. Have you ever seen a face express the feeling of \u003ca href=\"http://onlineslangdictionary.com/meaning-definition-of/fml\">FML\u003c/a> this strongly?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107339\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/fml-morwenna-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gross Goblin Mama goes on to tell Morwenna that she better have a boy because \"girls are of use to no one.\" Where's Feminist Ross when you need him?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107370\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-poldark-feminist.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We immediately get our answer. He's at the masked ball! Sir Scam-A-Lot is also in attendance. And he has the hots for Demelza.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sir Scam-A-Lot:\u003c/strong> \"The hair is a touch provincial, but the rest is good.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Doubtless, she's been dressed in London.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sir Scam-A-Lot:\u003c/strong> \"Then she must be undressed in London.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, don't you worry. She has. Countless times. All over that hotel room.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy eggs Sir Scam-A-Lot on in his attempt to seduce Demelza. His pickup line could use some work:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107340\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-cannibal.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>His next pickup strategy—loudly licking his fingers, making way too much eye contact and showing off coat buttons that contain the hair of men he's murdered in duels—isn't much better.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, he looks at Ross and his friend who's a girl and says, \"Delicious body.\" Demelza assumes he's talking about Ross because... well, you've seen the shirtless scything and swimming gifs. Sir Scam-A-Lot clarifies he's objectifying his friend, \"though I venture Poldark's has much to recommend it.\" Damn right it does!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This attempted mating ritual gets more awkward (and more lizardy) by the second:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107342\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/creepy-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, Sir Scam-A-Lot just comes out and says it. \u003cem>Hey, girl, when can we be alone? I'm interested in date-raping you. \u003c/em>Thankfully, Ross, Blondie and \u003cem>Doc \u003c/em>show up to diffuse the situation. But that doesn't stop Sir Scam-A-Lot and Malfoy from betting on whether he can have sex with Demelza by the end of the week.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh, if this episode ends in sexual violence, I am grabbing a pitchfork and marching right up to Masterpiece Theater Headquarters!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*looks up where that actually is, discovers it's all the way in Virginia*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, I'll email them a pitchfork selfie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Malfoy is annoyed that he can't bulldoze a poor neighborhood without consequences. Elizabeth offers up a sneakier way to displace all the poor people. Her one-way ticket to hell just got upgraded to first-class.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106667 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/going-to-hell-gif-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"304\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and in case you were wondering, Valentine is \u003cem>still\u003c/em> rocking on that horse silently in the background.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107383\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/valentine-alone.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"376\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At yet another party, Sir Scam-A-Lot continues to harass Demelza. His one-liners are somehow getting grosser: \"You have an agile tongue, which I shall know what to do with, in due course.\" Ross has knocked dudes out for way less, so what's the hold up here?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107384\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/what-are-you-waiting-for-i-know-what.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"211\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Ross and Demelza are not having sex for once. Instead, they're arguing over Demelza not doing enough to spurn Sir Scam-A-Lot. What's next, Ross? Her dress was too short? She was asking for it? Don't make me rescind my Feminist Ross animated gif!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Blood Money Mansion, Malfoy brags about blackmailing someone for their vote in Parliament. Elizabeth proudly tells Valentine how clever his fake dad is, but Val is too busy playing solitaire (no, really, that's not a joke) to respond.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Demelza confides in Doc and Blondie about Ross' jealousy. The gang is too distracted by dumb drama to recognize Curious Georgina's cuteness. Literally everyone else is rubber-necking to gaze at the adorable legend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107360\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"532\" height=\"435\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee.png 532w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee-160x131.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee-240x196.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee-375x307.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee-520x425.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 532px) 100vw, 532px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Demelza returns to her hotel room, Sir Scam-A-Lot is creepily waiting. He goes from zero to date rapist in no time at all, blocking the exit and saying gross things like, \"Tell me. Do you cry out when a man takes you?\" Demelza, grab a candlestick! It's the murder weapon du \u003cdel>jour\u003c/del> Season 4 after all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107361\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1020x548.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"344\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1020x548.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-160x86.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-800x430.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-768x413.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1200x645.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1920x1032.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1180x634.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-960x516.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-240x129.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-375x202.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-520x280.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza has a better idea. Apparently, that white knob rings the innkeeper!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107362\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/saved-by-the-bell-logo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"378\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way out, Sir Scam-A-Lot keeps flapping his gums.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sir Scam-A-Lot:\u003c/strong> \"May I wait on you some other time?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Probably won't ever be in the mood to be raped, so no.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sir Scam-A-Lot:\u003c/strong> \"I see. It's not me you're afraid of but your husband! Does he beat you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Frequently.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well played, Demelza!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107364\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/middle-finger-smile-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross returns home, he's more concerned with what Demelza did to encourage Sir Scam-A-Lot than what Sir Scam-A-Lot attempted to do. Consider the Feminist Ross gif rescinded! WTF. Read a book, dude!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107369\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-poldark-not-feminist.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Knowing that he needs to start getting back in my good graces, the next day in Parliament, Ross physically accosts Sir Scam-A-Lot for sitting on his gloves and generally being a prick!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107371\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/hit-punch-yas.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a different note, can we all pitch in to buy this dude a decent lace-front wig? He clearly needs our help.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107372\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-1020x1100.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"690\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-1020x1100.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-160x173.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-800x863.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-768x829.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-960x1036.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-240x259.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-375x405.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-520x561.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM.png 1066w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of hair, Sir Scam-A-Lot wants to murder Ross and make a button out of his curls, so he invites him to a duel. Despite not being a very good shot, Ross agrees because last week's episode was kind of a snooze. They take their paces, fire and both take a hit! Sir Scam-A-Lot nips Ross in the arm. Ross gets him right in the groin. (Nice one, Ross! A few inches over would have been even better!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rushes over to help, but Sir Scam-A-Lot isn't very gracious about the whole thing: \"I wish I shot your head off. Damn and blast you to all eternity.\" Then, he passes out. Perhaps forever?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My eulogy for him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/oh-and-demelza-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the hotel, Doc pokes into Ross' open wound, which almost causes Demelza to pull a Geoffrey Charles all over the floor:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107373\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/demelza-vomit-puke-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There's a knock at the door!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Duels are illegal so it might be the police!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, it's just a letter...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...saying that Sir Scam-A-Lot croaked!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107376\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/elaine-seinfeld-dance-graves.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"458\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Morwenna has a miscarriage. I feel very ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ over this turn of events, as does Morwenna.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Gross Goblin Mama:\u003c/strong> \"The doctor believes you have suffered greatly since your miscarriage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"He's mistaken. I believe it was for the best.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107385\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/no-lies-detected.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"100\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Drake is working in his new barn when Morwenna shows up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/excited-arrested-development.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She explains why she keeps shunning him: she can't bear to be touched or kissed or anything else 'cause it'll trigger her PTSD and make her think of being raped by Gross Goblin for years. Then she runs off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107387\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/sad-frown-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, over at Blood Money Mansion, while Valentine silently plays with an abacus (LOL), Malfoy tries to think of a way to expose the duel and hopefully get Ross hanged or something. He runs and snitches to the Attorney General, but the AG's response is basically, \u003cem>Get a life, loser.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35963\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, while Valentine again rocks on the horse by himself, Geoffrey Charles serves his function as a mere plot device by bursting in out of nowhere and blurting out how much Valentine looks like Ross. Elizabeth and Malfoy both make this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107378\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shocked-monkey-puppet.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie and Doc have an entire Horace-centric conversation about their relationship:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"Poor Horace wonders why he must be abandoned.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Poor Horace knows that I've already stayed longer than intended.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"Horace wonders why Doc can't find it in his heart to love London as he does.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Horace knows that he and I are different breeds. Perhaps Horace will return to Cornwall sooner than he thought.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps he will.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107379\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-cutie-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From now on, Horace is my preferred pronoun. Horace wonders why all episodes can't be about Horace. Horace can't believe there's only one episode left in the season. Horace wonders if you all will come back and read \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> even though there are no cute pugs in that show. Horace is going to get on with the rest of the recap now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the party grounds, Curious Georgina is nowhere to be found, but the other usual suspects are in attendance. Malfoy stomps past Ross, which reminds Ross that, for some reason, he has to pay Sir Scam-A-Lot's \u003cem>I-bet-I-can-rape-Demelza\u003c/em> wager to Malfoy. Things quickly get out of hand:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I didn't think anything could top the fight when Malfoy almost gouged Ross' eyes out or the fight when Ross almost roasted Malfoy's entire head in a roaring fireplace, but using someone's face as a coin slot comes pretty close!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth says, \"I cannot imagine...!\" Girl, quit lying. You know exactly the kind of person you're married to. Heck, you help him enact evil pretty much every episode! And you know exactly why he's pissed, so let's skip the act.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107388\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shh-youre-getting-on-my-nerves-britney.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Ross wakes to find a letter from Demelza. It goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Oh, hey.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I'm going home. Feeding each other strawberries like mama birds was fun, but all the sexual harassment, victim-blaming and groin mutilation has gotten to be too much for me. This is where I would write 'I want a divorce' if that was a thing women could ask for in the 18th-century, but instead, I'll say 'See ya when I see ya.'\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Sir Scam-A-Lot. \u003c/strong>You tried it. Enjoy eternal damnation!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Dude With The Terrible Wig. \u003c/strong>I feel like he has nothing in his life, so the least I can do is throw a worthless award his way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Valentine. \u003c/strong>No one introverts harder. And no one is more likely to snap one day and kill his entire family.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Horace. \u003c/strong>For not getting too mad over my Curious Georgina wandering eye. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Morwenna and Drake. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">PTSD is all that stands in the way of their love (and my \u003c/span>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Drakenna / Morwennake merch line). That can be cleared up in the season finale and not take years of intense therapy, right? I'm gonna go with yes. After all they've endured, they deserve to spit strawberries into each other's mouths!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105807/poldark-season-4-episode-6-recap-mo-money-mo-problems\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 6 Recap: Mo Money Mo Problems\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This week, Demelza experiences a #MeToo moment, blood is spilled and a random cute monkey shows up!",
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"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 7 Recap: London Calling | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105807/poldark-season-4-episode-6-recap-mo-money-mo-problems\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Elizabeth and Morwenna both realized they were carrying demonic embryos. Will they pose for an \u003cem>OMG-we're-both-preggers-at-the-same-time\u003c/em> photoshoot like Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107331\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"516\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth.jpg 615w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth-160x206.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth-240x309.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth-375x484.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/khloe-kylie-pregnant-morwenna-elizabeth-520x671.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We pick up right where we left off: with Ross and Demelza mid-coitus on the floor of their London sex den. They take turns spitting strawberries into each other's mouths.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-spit.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is there anything that could ruin the sexual healing mood?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yes, there is, and it's this line from Demelza:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Do you wish the children were here?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107348\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shrink-sign-language.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is like, \u003cem>Um, not so much! My twig and berries are literally out right now. The fact that we leave the kids at home all the time and ignore them when we're actually around is enough fodder for their future therapy sessions, let's not add witnessing their parents boink to the list.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza continues to, um, deflate the situation, with this line: \"Well, at this rate, we'll be soon adding to their number.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No more pregnancies!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This isn't PBS' \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">Victoria\u003c/a>\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just have filthy floorboard sex and let that be enough!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Swim slower, Ross' sperm!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Be more standoffish, Demelza's ovaries!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107349\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/NO-MORE-KIDS.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy shows off the new mansion he bought with blood money and announces he will host a masked ball so that Geoffrey Charles and all the other rich Londoners have another opportunity to puke all over the place.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth tries to slow his roll a little bit: \"My dear, recollect how many times your invitations have not found the favor they deserve.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Translation: You are a social pariah and absolutely no one wants to willingly party with you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy agrees that everyone hates his guts, but adds he plans to make it a charity event so everyone shows up out of pity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The entire time this conversation is happening, poor little Valentine is in the corner silently playing on a huge rocking horse. #OnlyChildProblems\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Compare and contrast:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/rocking-horse.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107335\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/seesaw-valentine-lonely-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"367\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a daytime rave, Demelza is delighted by all the razzmatazz London has to offer. Somehow, she doesn't notice the best and cutest guest at the party:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107336\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/monkey-cute-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I want to know this monkey's name and what she's munching on and what her favorite color is! (If I had to guess I'd say Curious Georgina, watermelon Bubblicious gum and aquamarine.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, Horace the Pug catches me checking out a cute \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> animal that isn't him. My bad! Behold the one and only king of my heart:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107337\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-cutie-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Such a heartthrob! What monkey?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Ross and Demelza's sex den, Demelza says she's tuckered out from all the sight-seeing and is going to take a nap. Ross seductively asks, \"What if I have other plans for you?\" They proceed to have sex for the 392nd time this week. I hope they tip the hotel maid a pretty penny (pence?) for having to scrub down every surface after they check out. Also, as I said before, PLEASE NO MORE BABIES. JUST SAY NO!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Drake takes a look at the new barn he's moving into. This one is somehow sadder than the last. Sam offers to help him renovate it. I smell an HGTV spinoff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107350\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"616\" height=\"347\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers.jpg 616w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/property-brothers-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 616px) 100vw, 616px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over on Toe Jam Lane, Gross Goblin Mama stands a mere three paces away from Morwenna as she tells a doctor about her plan to lock Morwenna up in a loony bin the second she gives birth to the Anti-Christ. Have you ever seen a face express the feeling of \u003ca href=\"http://onlineslangdictionary.com/meaning-definition-of/fml\">FML\u003c/a> this strongly?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107339\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/fml-morwenna-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gross Goblin Mama goes on to tell Morwenna that she better have a boy because \"girls are of use to no one.\" Where's Feminist Ross when you need him?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107370\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-poldark-feminist.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We immediately get our answer. He's at the masked ball! Sir Scam-A-Lot is also in attendance. And he has the hots for Demelza.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sir Scam-A-Lot:\u003c/strong> \"The hair is a touch provincial, but the rest is good.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Doubtless, she's been dressed in London.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sir Scam-A-Lot:\u003c/strong> \"Then she must be undressed in London.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, don't you worry. She has. Countless times. All over that hotel room.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy eggs Sir Scam-A-Lot on in his attempt to seduce Demelza. His pickup line could use some work:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107340\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-cannibal.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>His next pickup strategy—loudly licking his fingers, making way too much eye contact and showing off coat buttons that contain the hair of men he's murdered in duels—isn't much better.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, he looks at Ross and his friend who's a girl and says, \"Delicious body.\" Demelza assumes he's talking about Ross because... well, you've seen the shirtless scything and swimming gifs. Sir Scam-A-Lot clarifies he's objectifying his friend, \"though I venture Poldark's has much to recommend it.\" Damn right it does!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This attempted mating ritual gets more awkward (and more lizardy) by the second:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107342\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/creepy-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, Sir Scam-A-Lot just comes out and says it. \u003cem>Hey, girl, when can we be alone? I'm interested in date-raping you. \u003c/em>Thankfully, Ross, Blondie and \u003cem>Doc \u003c/em>show up to diffuse the situation. But that doesn't stop Sir Scam-A-Lot and Malfoy from betting on whether he can have sex with Demelza by the end of the week.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh, if this episode ends in sexual violence, I am grabbing a pitchfork and marching right up to Masterpiece Theater Headquarters!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*looks up where that actually is, discovers it's all the way in Virginia*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, I'll email them a pitchfork selfie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Malfoy is annoyed that he can't bulldoze a poor neighborhood without consequences. Elizabeth offers up a sneakier way to displace all the poor people. Her one-way ticket to hell just got upgraded to first-class.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106667 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/going-to-hell-gif-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"304\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and in case you were wondering, Valentine is \u003cem>still\u003c/em> rocking on that horse silently in the background.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107383\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/valentine-alone.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"376\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At yet another party, Sir Scam-A-Lot continues to harass Demelza. His one-liners are somehow getting grosser: \"You have an agile tongue, which I shall know what to do with, in due course.\" Ross has knocked dudes out for way less, so what's the hold up here?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107384\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/what-are-you-waiting-for-i-know-what.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"211\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Ross and Demelza are not having sex for once. Instead, they're arguing over Demelza not doing enough to spurn Sir Scam-A-Lot. What's next, Ross? Her dress was too short? She was asking for it? Don't make me rescind my Feminist Ross animated gif!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Blood Money Mansion, Malfoy brags about blackmailing someone for their vote in Parliament. Elizabeth proudly tells Valentine how clever his fake dad is, but Val is too busy playing solitaire (no, really, that's not a joke) to respond.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Demelza confides in Doc and Blondie about Ross' jealousy. The gang is too distracted by dumb drama to recognize Curious Georgina's cuteness. Literally everyone else is rubber-necking to gaze at the adorable legend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107360\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"532\" height=\"435\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee.png 532w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee-160x131.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee-240x196.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee-375x307.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ee-520x425.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 532px) 100vw, 532px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Demelza returns to her hotel room, Sir Scam-A-Lot is creepily waiting. He goes from zero to date rapist in no time at all, blocking the exit and saying gross things like, \"Tell me. Do you cry out when a man takes you?\" Demelza, grab a candlestick! It's the murder weapon du \u003cdel>jour\u003c/del> Season 4 after all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107361\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1020x548.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"344\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1020x548.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-160x86.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-800x430.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-768x413.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1200x645.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1920x1032.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-1180x634.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-960x516.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-240x129.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-375x202.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/poldark-lumiere-520x280.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza has a better idea. Apparently, that white knob rings the innkeeper!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107362\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/saved-by-the-bell-logo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"378\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way out, Sir Scam-A-Lot keeps flapping his gums.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sir Scam-A-Lot:\u003c/strong> \"May I wait on you some other time?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Probably won't ever be in the mood to be raped, so no.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sir Scam-A-Lot:\u003c/strong> \"I see. It's not me you're afraid of but your husband! Does he beat you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Frequently.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well played, Demelza!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107364\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/middle-finger-smile-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross returns home, he's more concerned with what Demelza did to encourage Sir Scam-A-Lot than what Sir Scam-A-Lot attempted to do. Consider the Feminist Ross gif rescinded! WTF. Read a book, dude!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107369\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ross-poldark-not-feminist.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Knowing that he needs to start getting back in my good graces, the next day in Parliament, Ross physically accosts Sir Scam-A-Lot for sitting on his gloves and generally being a prick!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107371\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/hit-punch-yas.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a different note, can we all pitch in to buy this dude a decent lace-front wig? He clearly needs our help.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107372\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-1020x1100.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"690\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-1020x1100.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-160x173.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-800x863.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-768x829.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-960x1036.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-240x259.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-375x405.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM-520x561.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/Screen-Shot-2018-11-10-at-2.04.29-PM.png 1066w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of hair, Sir Scam-A-Lot wants to murder Ross and make a button out of his curls, so he invites him to a duel. Despite not being a very good shot, Ross agrees because last week's episode was kind of a snooze. They take their paces, fire and both take a hit! Sir Scam-A-Lot nips Ross in the arm. Ross gets him right in the groin. (Nice one, Ross! A few inches over would have been even better!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rushes over to help, but Sir Scam-A-Lot isn't very gracious about the whole thing: \"I wish I shot your head off. Damn and blast you to all eternity.\" Then, he passes out. Perhaps forever?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My eulogy for him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/oh-and-demelza-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the hotel, Doc pokes into Ross' open wound, which almost causes Demelza to pull a Geoffrey Charles all over the floor:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107373\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/demelza-vomit-puke-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There's a knock at the door!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Duels are illegal so it might be the police!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, it's just a letter...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...saying that Sir Scam-A-Lot croaked!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107376\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/elaine-seinfeld-dance-graves.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"458\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Morwenna has a miscarriage. I feel very ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ over this turn of events, as does Morwenna.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Gross Goblin Mama:\u003c/strong> \"The doctor believes you have suffered greatly since your miscarriage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"He's mistaken. I believe it was for the best.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107385\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/no-lies-detected.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"100\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Drake is working in his new barn when Morwenna shows up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/excited-arrested-development.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She explains why she keeps shunning him: she can't bear to be touched or kissed or anything else 'cause it'll trigger her PTSD and make her think of being raped by Gross Goblin for years. Then she runs off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107387\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/sad-frown-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, over at Blood Money Mansion, while Valentine silently plays with an abacus (LOL), Malfoy tries to think of a way to expose the duel and hopefully get Ross hanged or something. He runs and snitches to the Attorney General, but the AG's response is basically, \u003cem>Get a life, loser.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35963\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, while Valentine again rocks on the horse by himself, Geoffrey Charles serves his function as a mere plot device by bursting in out of nowhere and blurting out how much Valentine looks like Ross. Elizabeth and Malfoy both make this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107378\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shocked-monkey-puppet.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie and Doc have an entire Horace-centric conversation about their relationship:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"Poor Horace wonders why he must be abandoned.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Poor Horace knows that I've already stayed longer than intended.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"Horace wonders why Doc can't find it in his heart to love London as he does.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Horace knows that he and I are different breeds. Perhaps Horace will return to Cornwall sooner than he thought.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps he will.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107379\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/horace-cutie-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From now on, Horace is my preferred pronoun. Horace wonders why all episodes can't be about Horace. Horace can't believe there's only one episode left in the season. Horace wonders if you all will come back and read \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> even though there are no cute pugs in that show. Horace is going to get on with the rest of the recap now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the party grounds, Curious Georgina is nowhere to be found, but the other usual suspects are in attendance. Malfoy stomps past Ross, which reminds Ross that, for some reason, he has to pay Sir Scam-A-Lot's \u003cem>I-bet-I-can-rape-Demelza\u003c/em> wager to Malfoy. Things quickly get out of hand:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I didn't think anything could top the fight when Malfoy almost gouged Ross' eyes out or the fight when Ross almost roasted Malfoy's entire head in a roaring fireplace, but using someone's face as a coin slot comes pretty close!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth says, \"I cannot imagine...!\" Girl, quit lying. You know exactly the kind of person you're married to. Heck, you help him enact evil pretty much every episode! And you know exactly why he's pissed, so let's skip the act.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107388\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shh-youre-getting-on-my-nerves-britney.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Ross wakes to find a letter from Demelza. It goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Oh, hey.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I'm going home. Feeding each other strawberries like mama birds was fun, but all the sexual harassment, victim-blaming and groin mutilation has gotten to be too much for me. This is where I would write 'I want a divorce' if that was a thing women could ask for in the 18th-century, but instead, I'll say 'See ya when I see ya.'\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Sir Scam-A-Lot. \u003c/strong>You tried it. Enjoy eternal damnation!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Dude With The Terrible Wig. \u003c/strong>I feel like he has nothing in his life, so the least I can do is throw a worthless award his way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Valentine. \u003c/strong>No one introverts harder. And no one is more likely to snap one day and kill his entire family.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Horace. \u003c/strong>For not getting too mad over my Curious Georgina wandering eye. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Morwenna and Drake. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">PTSD is all that stands in the way of their love (and my \u003c/span>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Drakenna / Morwennake merch line). That can be cleared up in the season finale and not take years of intense therapy, right? I'm gonna go with yes. After all they've endured, they deserve to spit strawberries into each other's mouths!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105807/poldark-season-4-episode-6-recap-mo-money-mo-problems\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 6 Recap: Mo Money Mo Problems\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 6 Recap: Mo Money Mo Problems",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 6 Recap: Mo Money Mo Problems",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, a candlestick, a spooked horse, a few trees and karma joined forces to murder Gross Goblin (*blasts Etta James' \"At Last\"*).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a single episode, the experience of watching this show went from this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/depressed-poldark-sara-death-die.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107066\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/watching-poldark-happy-vicar-dead.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will an inanimate object do us a solid and kill off another evil character this week? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Woah, that was fast! Another evildoer has croaked! Way to go, Lumiere!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107035\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/lumiere-butt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, the deceased is just some random banker dude who embezzled other people's money. This brings us to this week's edition of Malfoy Has A New Evil Plan To Get Even With Ross For Being Hotter Than He Is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The bank in question is where all of Ross' life savings are, so if Malfoy can bully the town into withdrawing all of their funds, the bank will go under, taking all the Poldark coins with it and jeopardizing the mine and all of its employees. Malfoy borrows a bon mot from Marie Antoinette and puts his own spin on it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107145\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-960x540.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm a pacifist, but my fist naturally clenches every time I see Malfoy's face. It's just begging for a punch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107040\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/hermione-punch-malfoy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Malfoy's face, Elizabeth walks in while he's plotting and says, \"You have a particular expression when you're conspiring against Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's true.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It looks like a cross between this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107041\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/angry-white-lady-curtains-freak-out-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"445\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107042\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/orig.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"635\" height=\"476\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, someone tells Demelza about Not So Dearly Departed Embezzler's death. Her reaction is so brutal that it could kill the man all over again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/oh-and-demelza-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107045\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/ha-ha-laughing-captain-luc-star-trek-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"293\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Demelza soon learns what this particular rando's death might mean for the family's financial future.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107050\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sailor-moon-piggy-bank-money-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107049\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/help-me-im-poor.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ominous music plays while Drake floats face down in the ocean. He might be dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But let's focus on the important thing first:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's shirtless.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107073\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-drake-face-down-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, now that that requisite half-naked gif is out of the way, let's get back to the whole is-Drake-dead thing. Turns out he's alive and just being really dramatic. These days, we process a difficult breakup by posting something passive-aggressive on social media and/or crying while singing an Adele ballad at karaoke. I guess, back then, the only way to deal with heartbreak was pretending you've drowned to death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Drake lives to see another day (which will likely involve someone trying to arrest him, murder him, dump him or all of the above). My career advice: Turn lemons into lemonade by producing a sensitive rap album all about his hardships and emo feelings, just like \u003ca href=\"https://static.vibe.com/files/2013/09/vibe-vixen-drake-nothing-was-the-same-album-cover-compressed.jpg\">his 21st-century namesake\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107094\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"820\" height=\"820\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover.jpg 820w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 820px) 100vw, 820px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As an apology for making us think Drake was dead for 3 seconds, the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers whip up a serving of their signature special: a scene involving a wet half-naked man.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107096 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-shirtless-body-swimming-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107095 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-shirtless-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam ignores the sinfulness of Drake's naked nipples and begs Drake to leave the barn ashes behind and move in with him. Drake refuses and shares this little heart-stabbing nugget: \"Morwenna is dead to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/shut-your-dirty-little-mouth-colbert-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"332\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake plans to enlist in the military or get into some other calamitous situation that'll keep Drakenna / Morwennake apart for another few episodes. Can y'all just hand over the happy ending we rightfully deserve? I'm tired!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107099 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/give-it-to-me-now-colbrrt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also, has Drake forgotten what happens when you go to war in the 18th century? You end up with:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A scar on your face (not everyone can pull it off like Ross)\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A case of PTSD (Doc no longer has the ability to appreciate when Blondie sneaks up on him and screams \"BOO!\" in his ear)\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A blow to your eyesight that will make it especially hard to write horny poetry by candlelight for your friend's wife (I miss you, Prison Bestie, and can't wait to see you on \u003ca href=\"https://deadline.com/2018/10/game-of-thrones-prequel-josh-whitehouse-mr-burberry-poldark-valley-girl-1202493011/\">the Game of Thrones prequel\u003c/a>!).\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Point is: STAY HOME, DRAKE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of the actors' real lives, how come none of you told me Mrs. Pigpen a.k.a. Prudie looks this cute IRL?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107103\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-150x150.jpg 150w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair.jpg 1080w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(And yes, that's Aidan Turner biting her face. Some people have all the luck.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the show...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Elizabeth suddenly gets winded and has to sit down for no apparent reason. Is she going to die?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My official response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/oh-and-demelza-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*abruptly stops my evil celebratory laughter* Hold on a second. Elizabeth has a flashback of Ross advising her to get pregnant and lie about the dates so Malfoy will think premies are her thing and that Valentine is truly their kid. So I guess she's not dying and just hiding a pregnancy then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/disappointed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"234\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of disappointing developments, Morwenna has been experiencing palpitations and nausea. Please don't tell me she's carrying another mini Gross Goblin. I can't take much more of this!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107102\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/no-i-cant-not-doing-that-toddlers-tiaras-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In London, Ross attends yet another rave featuring the same old staples: pyrotechnics, cool IKEA lanterns and Geoffrey Charles' puking in a corner. Thankfully, we are spared a close-up of the chunks this time, but we do get to see him drool out the excess saliva that lets you know all those Goldfish crackers you ate earlier are about to swim back up very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107147\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/goldfish-crackers-mouth.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"256\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Ross convinces Geoffrey Charles to come back to Cornwall and sober up. Geoffrey Charles asks Ross, \"Why could you not have been my stepfather?\" Ross is too polite to say: \u003cem>Umm, because your mom got with my first cousin while I was trying to survive a war. Then got with my worst enemy. Oh, and she killed one of my kids with her germs. That's why! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Demelza is busy trying to single-handedly save the bank. A mob has gathered outside of its doors, wanting to withdraw all their money. Demelza convinces them to cool their jets by essentially filming a Suze Orman infomercial about how important it is to invest. The villagers and I are buying what she's selling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-1180x1180.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-150x150.jpg 150w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Drake dramatically walks up a hill and runs into... Rosina.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can we not? I thought the animated gifs I made last week made my position on force-feeding us this character abundantly clear!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106870\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-rosina-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"631\" height=\"353\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106896\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/push-rosina-poldark-out-of-car.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rosina tells Drake that, if she can handle everyone gossiping about how she was dumped on her wedding day, he can handle sticking around Cornwall and not moving away forever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine. Rosina is right. She still bugs me though. #TeamDrakenna/Morwennake4ever!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Good news! Demelza's Suze Orman impression saved the bank!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107107 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-approved.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"257\" height=\"196\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-approved.jpeg 257w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-approved-160x122.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-approved-240x183.jpeg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 257px) 100vw, 257px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bad news! Malfoy finds out and figures out another way to shut down the bank!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied-375x281.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy rushes home to tell Elizabeth all about how he just robbed Ross of his life savings. Cut to Ross dropping Geoffrey Charles' drunk ass off at Malfoy's house and Elizabeth asking him to stay a while. Oooh, this is going to be good. Here's hoping whatever happens involves Ross putting Malfoy's head into a lit fireplace again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/pigeon-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Stop everything!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The one!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The only!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Horace has returned!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107110\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-pug-run-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and Blondie is back too!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc and Blondie share a sweet moment, but I can't stop laughing at Horace's lil photobombing butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107111\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1020x550.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"345\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1020x550.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-160x86.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-800x432.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-768x414.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1200x648.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1920x1036.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1180x637.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-960x518.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-240x130.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-375x202.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-520x281.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Liz's house, Elizabeth tells Ross she suspects Malfoy is scheming again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Against me? Never!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \"It's his way. I've grown used to it. I'm content.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, okay, glad \u003cem>you're\u003c/em> content with Malfoy continuously trying to ruin lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/middle-finger-censored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/you-suck-abby-miller.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Valentine runs in and Ross finally meets his secret love child for the first time. Ross shakes his little hand and says, \"Happy to make your acquaintance, sir.\" Maybe it's leftover Baby Sara feels, but I'm oddly touched!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38389\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"357\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As he's being led out of the room by his nanny, Valentine stops, turns and waves goodbye to Ross, who salutes. I feel a tear coming. You get back in that tear duct! This show has wrung out too many emotions out of me! I'm dehydrated!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But here it comes anyway.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107117\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/lauren-conrad-tear.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"862\" height=\"478\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just as Ross' carriage pulls away, Malfoy rides up to the house. Elizabeth looks like she just passed several kidney stones.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107118\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"237\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, being the master of deception that she is, Elizabeth quickly recovers and leads Malfoy to believe that the carriage has just dropped off Geoffrey Charles. Guess I didn't need that popcorn after all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107119\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/pigeon-popcorn-reverse.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Poldark, Demelza is freaking out about her Suze Orman plan not working. Ross shows up to say he doesn't really care about all this bank business that much. Ok, great! Does this mean we get a new storyline I actually care about?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently not. Ross spends an entire day, going door to door, trying to convince rich dudes to save the bank. They all laugh in his face before diving into their pools full of gold coins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107120\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/ducktales-pool-gold-coins.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"380\" height=\"249\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross returns home with his tail between his legs and asks Demelza for advice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"What's your opinion?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Mine??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"We're partners, are we not?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/ross-as-beyonce-feminist.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Way to show everyone that men can be feminists too, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next evening, Demelza decides to throw a \u003cem>Let's-get-tanked-instead-of-thinking-about-how-I-can't-pay-y'all!\u003c/em> kegger for the mine employees.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone is in great spirits. Except for me. Because this keeps happening.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107141\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/rosina-drake.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97368\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/make_it_stop_boy_meets_world.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"215\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, Sam distracts Drake with some good advice: \u003cem>Hey, you're already looking at eternal damnation for kissing Morwenna last year. Might as well go to her house one last time and try to be with her\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107142\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/britney-thumbs-up-creepy-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, everyone attends the grand opening of a new hospital. How thrilling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107122\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/kim-yawn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the reception, Ross has a bit too much to drink and calls Malfoy out for being a sniveling little you-know-what. Malfoy calls him a storm in a teacup. And the award for cutest insult in a dick-measuring contest goes to....!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107124\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/chip-beauty-and-the-beast-bubbles.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things escalate. Ross screams \"You lie!\" and yoinks Malfoy's frilly blouse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107127\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/ross-pulls-george-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Put his head in the fireplace, Ross! Kill him!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107125\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/kill-him.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"468\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh. Before he gets the chance, Elizabeth passes out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107128\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/elizabeth-faints-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I could see this becoming a new dance craze. Do the bobblehead!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Drake follows Sam's advice and shows up at Morwenna's house. He lays it all on the line: \"I love ye still. And so I ask one final time, Will ye not take me? 'Tis no sin to love me. Can you not see that there be hope?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107140\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/hope-poster-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"327\" height=\"498\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna takes my Hope poster and promptly rips it to shreds. \"I did think so once, but now... Please go and never return. I'm with child.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107129 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/will-smith-scream-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98856\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wendy-cant.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"148\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is complete and utter BS! Now I have to cancel my merchandise line. How am I going to get rich now??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107139 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy-160x136.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy-240x204.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy-375x318.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy-520x441.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107138\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"585\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit.jpg 742w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit-160x146.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit-240x219.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit-375x343.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit-520x475.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107137\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sheets-1-copy.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"452\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sheets-1-copy.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sheets-1-copy-160x193.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sheets-1-copy-240x289.jpg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 375px) 100vw, 375px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107136\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-1180x1180.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-150x150.jpg 150w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Horace's house, Blondie tells Doc that Cornwall is boring as hell and invites him to come to London with her this time. Everyone should get the chance to watch Geoffrey Charles puke on a fancy rug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The boring bank storyline comes to an end with Ross and his Bankrupt Banker Bestie becoming partners in a more prestigious bank. Nice try, Malfoy. So close, yet so far away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107148\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/jump-in-pool.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the perks of Ross' new role as a banker is that he gets free fancy carriage rides to wherever he'd like. Because this episode's theme is no longer ignoring your spouse, Ross invites Demelza to London for the first time. They're going to party like it's 1799! Get ready, Puke Cleaner-Upper!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a less happy household, Malfoy wants the doctor who routinely tortures his patients with leeches to treat Elizabeth. Because blood-sucking worms don't go with her outfit, Liz comes clean about being pregnant. Oh, so she's not dying then? Hmm. Maybe next time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107131\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/%E3%83%84_%C2%AF-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Demelza wakes up naked in London. And it isn't long before she and Ross are role-playing on the ground.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No, you can't have me!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, yes I can! You're my prisoner! My present to be unwrapped at leisure.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Their 50 Shades of Grey(-Powdered Wigs) playtime is interrupted by a knock at the door.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross yells that they'll be down in an hour.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107133\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/spray-golden-girls-hot.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"...or two.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107132\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/treat-yoself.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Daaaamn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Elizabeth. \u003c/strong>If she hadn't married off Morwenna to a toe-gobbling rapist, Drakenna would be thriving and I would be busy counting my merch line money. I hope her baby is ugly.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The London Hotel Maid. \u003c/strong>For having to clean up the floorboards after Ross and Demelza are done.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/span>\u003cstrong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Geoffrey Charles' Liver. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>Hang in there, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/span>\u003cstrong>Horace's Little Photo-Bombing Butt. \u003c/strong>The best in the biz!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Valentine. \u003c/strong>He's going to need something shiny to play with while he's in therapy for the rest of his life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, a candlestick, a spooked horse, a few trees and karma joined forces to murder Gross Goblin (*blasts Etta James' \"At Last\"*).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a single episode, the experience of watching this show went from this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/depressed-poldark-sara-death-die.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107066\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/watching-poldark-happy-vicar-dead.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will an inanimate object do us a solid and kill off another evil character this week? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Woah, that was fast! Another evildoer has croaked! Way to go, Lumiere!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107035\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/lumiere-butt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, the deceased is just some random banker dude who embezzled other people's money. This brings us to this week's edition of Malfoy Has A New Evil Plan To Get Even With Ross For Being Hotter Than He Is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The bank in question is where all of Ross' life savings are, so if Malfoy can bully the town into withdrawing all of their funds, the bank will go under, taking all the Poldark coins with it and jeopardizing the mine and all of its employees. Malfoy borrows a bon mot from Marie Antoinette and puts his own spin on it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107145\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-960x540.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/marie-george-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm a pacifist, but my fist naturally clenches every time I see Malfoy's face. It's just begging for a punch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107040\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/hermione-punch-malfoy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Malfoy's face, Elizabeth walks in while he's plotting and says, \"You have a particular expression when you're conspiring against Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's true.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It looks like a cross between this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107041\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/angry-white-lady-curtains-freak-out-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"445\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107042\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/orig.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"635\" height=\"476\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, someone tells Demelza about Not So Dearly Departed Embezzler's death. Her reaction is so brutal that it could kill the man all over again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/oh-and-demelza-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107045\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/ha-ha-laughing-captain-luc-star-trek-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"293\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Demelza soon learns what this particular rando's death might mean for the family's financial future.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107050\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sailor-moon-piggy-bank-money-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107049\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/help-me-im-poor.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ominous music plays while Drake floats face down in the ocean. He might be dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But let's focus on the important thing first:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's shirtless.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107073\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-drake-face-down-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, now that that requisite half-naked gif is out of the way, let's get back to the whole is-Drake-dead thing. Turns out he's alive and just being really dramatic. These days, we process a difficult breakup by posting something passive-aggressive on social media and/or crying while singing an Adele ballad at karaoke. I guess, back then, the only way to deal with heartbreak was pretending you've drowned to death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Drake lives to see another day (which will likely involve someone trying to arrest him, murder him, dump him or all of the above). My career advice: Turn lemons into lemonade by producing a sensitive rap album all about his hardships and emo feelings, just like \u003ca href=\"https://static.vibe.com/files/2013/09/vibe-vixen-drake-nothing-was-the-same-album-cover-compressed.jpg\">his 21st-century namesake\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107094\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"820\" height=\"820\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover.jpg 820w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-poldark-album-cover-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 820px) 100vw, 820px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As an apology for making us think Drake was dead for 3 seconds, the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers whip up a serving of their signature special: a scene involving a wet half-naked man.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107096 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-shirtless-body-swimming-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107095 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-shirtless-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam ignores the sinfulness of Drake's naked nipples and begs Drake to leave the barn ashes behind and move in with him. Drake refuses and shares this little heart-stabbing nugget: \"Morwenna is dead to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/shut-your-dirty-little-mouth-colbert-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"332\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake plans to enlist in the military or get into some other calamitous situation that'll keep Drakenna / Morwennake apart for another few episodes. Can y'all just hand over the happy ending we rightfully deserve? I'm tired!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107099 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/give-it-to-me-now-colbrrt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also, has Drake forgotten what happens when you go to war in the 18th century? You end up with:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A scar on your face (not everyone can pull it off like Ross)\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A case of PTSD (Doc no longer has the ability to appreciate when Blondie sneaks up on him and screams \"BOO!\" in his ear)\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A blow to your eyesight that will make it especially hard to write horny poetry by candlelight for your friend's wife (I miss you, Prison Bestie, and can't wait to see you on \u003ca href=\"https://deadline.com/2018/10/game-of-thrones-prequel-josh-whitehouse-mr-burberry-poldark-valley-girl-1202493011/\">the Game of Thrones prequel\u003c/a>!).\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Point is: STAY HOME, DRAKE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of the actors' real lives, how come none of you told me Mrs. Pigpen a.k.a. Prudie looks this cute IRL?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107103\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair-150x150.jpg 150w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/prudie-poldark-pink-hair.jpg 1080w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(And yes, that's Aidan Turner biting her face. Some people have all the luck.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the show...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Elizabeth suddenly gets winded and has to sit down for no apparent reason. Is she going to die?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My official response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/oh-and-demelza-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*abruptly stops my evil celebratory laughter* Hold on a second. Elizabeth has a flashback of Ross advising her to get pregnant and lie about the dates so Malfoy will think premies are her thing and that Valentine is truly their kid. So I guess she's not dying and just hiding a pregnancy then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/disappointed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"234\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of disappointing developments, Morwenna has been experiencing palpitations and nausea. Please don't tell me she's carrying another mini Gross Goblin. I can't take much more of this!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107102\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/no-i-cant-not-doing-that-toddlers-tiaras-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In London, Ross attends yet another rave featuring the same old staples: pyrotechnics, cool IKEA lanterns and Geoffrey Charles' puking in a corner. Thankfully, we are spared a close-up of the chunks this time, but we do get to see him drool out the excess saliva that lets you know all those Goldfish crackers you ate earlier are about to swim back up very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107147\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/goldfish-crackers-mouth.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"256\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Ross convinces Geoffrey Charles to come back to Cornwall and sober up. Geoffrey Charles asks Ross, \"Why could you not have been my stepfather?\" Ross is too polite to say: \u003cem>Umm, because your mom got with my first cousin while I was trying to survive a war. Then got with my worst enemy. Oh, and she killed one of my kids with her germs. That's why! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Demelza is busy trying to single-handedly save the bank. A mob has gathered outside of its doors, wanting to withdraw all their money. Demelza convinces them to cool their jets by essentially filming a Suze Orman infomercial about how important it is to invest. The villagers and I are buying what she's selling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-1180x1180.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark-150x150.jpg 150w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/demelza-suze-orman-poldark.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Drake dramatically walks up a hill and runs into... Rosina.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can we not? I thought the animated gifs I made last week made my position on force-feeding us this character abundantly clear!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106870\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-rosina-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"631\" height=\"353\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106896\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/push-rosina-poldark-out-of-car.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rosina tells Drake that, if she can handle everyone gossiping about how she was dumped on her wedding day, he can handle sticking around Cornwall and not moving away forever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine. Rosina is right. She still bugs me though. #TeamDrakenna/Morwennake4ever!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Good news! Demelza's Suze Orman impression saved the bank!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107107 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-approved.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"257\" height=\"196\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-approved.jpeg 257w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-approved-160x122.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-approved-240x183.jpeg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 257px) 100vw, 257px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bad news! Malfoy finds out and figures out another way to shut down the bank!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/suze-orman-denied-375x281.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy rushes home to tell Elizabeth all about how he just robbed Ross of his life savings. Cut to Ross dropping Geoffrey Charles' drunk ass off at Malfoy's house and Elizabeth asking him to stay a while. Oooh, this is going to be good. Here's hoping whatever happens involves Ross putting Malfoy's head into a lit fireplace again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/pigeon-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Stop everything!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The one!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The only!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Horace has returned!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107110\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-pug-run-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and Blondie is back too!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc and Blondie share a sweet moment, but I can't stop laughing at Horace's lil photobombing butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107111\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1020x550.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"345\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1020x550.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-160x86.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-800x432.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-768x414.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1200x648.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1920x1036.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-1180x637.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-960x518.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-240x130.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-375x202.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/poldark-horace-butt-kiss-520x281.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Liz's house, Elizabeth tells Ross she suspects Malfoy is scheming again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Against me? Never!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \"It's his way. I've grown used to it. I'm content.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, okay, glad \u003cem>you're\u003c/em> content with Malfoy continuously trying to ruin lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/middle-finger-censored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/you-suck-abby-miller.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Valentine runs in and Ross finally meets his secret love child for the first time. Ross shakes his little hand and says, \"Happy to make your acquaintance, sir.\" Maybe it's leftover Baby Sara feels, but I'm oddly touched!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38389\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"357\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As he's being led out of the room by his nanny, Valentine stops, turns and waves goodbye to Ross, who salutes. I feel a tear coming. You get back in that tear duct! This show has wrung out too many emotions out of me! I'm dehydrated!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But here it comes anyway.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107117\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/lauren-conrad-tear.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"862\" height=\"478\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just as Ross' carriage pulls away, Malfoy rides up to the house. Elizabeth looks like she just passed several kidney stones.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107118\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"237\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, being the master of deception that she is, Elizabeth quickly recovers and leads Malfoy to believe that the carriage has just dropped off Geoffrey Charles. Guess I didn't need that popcorn after all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107119\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/pigeon-popcorn-reverse.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Poldark, Demelza is freaking out about her Suze Orman plan not working. Ross shows up to say he doesn't really care about all this bank business that much. Ok, great! Does this mean we get a new storyline I actually care about?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently not. Ross spends an entire day, going door to door, trying to convince rich dudes to save the bank. They all laugh in his face before diving into their pools full of gold coins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107120\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/ducktales-pool-gold-coins.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"380\" height=\"249\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross returns home with his tail between his legs and asks Demelza for advice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"What's your opinion?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Mine??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"We're partners, are we not?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/ross-as-beyonce-feminist.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Way to show everyone that men can be feminists too, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next evening, Demelza decides to throw a \u003cem>Let's-get-tanked-instead-of-thinking-about-how-I-can't-pay-y'all!\u003c/em> kegger for the mine employees.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone is in great spirits. Except for me. Because this keeps happening.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107141\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/rosina-drake.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97368\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/make_it_stop_boy_meets_world.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"215\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, Sam distracts Drake with some good advice: \u003cem>Hey, you're already looking at eternal damnation for kissing Morwenna last year. Might as well go to her house one last time and try to be with her\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107142\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/britney-thumbs-up-creepy-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, everyone attends the grand opening of a new hospital. How thrilling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107122\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/kim-yawn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the reception, Ross has a bit too much to drink and calls Malfoy out for being a sniveling little you-know-what. Malfoy calls him a storm in a teacup. And the award for cutest insult in a dick-measuring contest goes to....!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107124\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/chip-beauty-and-the-beast-bubbles.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things escalate. Ross screams \"You lie!\" and yoinks Malfoy's frilly blouse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107127\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/ross-pulls-george-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Put his head in the fireplace, Ross! Kill him!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107125\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/kill-him.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"468\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh. Before he gets the chance, Elizabeth passes out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107128\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/elizabeth-faints-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I could see this becoming a new dance craze. Do the bobblehead!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Drake follows Sam's advice and shows up at Morwenna's house. He lays it all on the line: \"I love ye still. And so I ask one final time, Will ye not take me? 'Tis no sin to love me. Can you not see that there be hope?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107140\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/hope-poster-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"327\" height=\"498\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna takes my Hope poster and promptly rips it to shreds. \"I did think so once, but now... Please go and never return. I'm with child.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107129 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/will-smith-scream-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98856\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wendy-cant.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"148\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is complete and utter BS! Now I have to cancel my merchandise line. How am I going to get rich now??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107139 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy-160x136.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy-240x204.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy-375x318.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/drake-tea-set-poldark-copy-520x441.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107138\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"585\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit.jpg 742w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit-160x146.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit-240x219.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit-375x343.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/swimsuit-520x475.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107137\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sheets-1-copy.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"452\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sheets-1-copy.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sheets-1-copy-160x193.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/sheets-1-copy-240x289.jpg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 375px) 100vw, 375px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107136\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-1180x1180.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy-150x150.jpg 150w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200-copy.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Horace's house, Blondie tells Doc that Cornwall is boring as hell and invites him to come to London with her this time. Everyone should get the chance to watch Geoffrey Charles puke on a fancy rug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The boring bank storyline comes to an end with Ross and his Bankrupt Banker Bestie becoming partners in a more prestigious bank. Nice try, Malfoy. So close, yet so far away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107148\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/jump-in-pool.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the perks of Ross' new role as a banker is that he gets free fancy carriage rides to wherever he'd like. Because this episode's theme is no longer ignoring your spouse, Ross invites Demelza to London for the first time. They're going to party like it's 1799! Get ready, Puke Cleaner-Upper!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a less happy household, Malfoy wants the doctor who routinely tortures his patients with leeches to treat Elizabeth. Because blood-sucking worms don't go with her outfit, Liz comes clean about being pregnant. Oh, so she's not dying then? Hmm. Maybe next time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107131\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/%E3%83%84_%C2%AF-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Demelza wakes up naked in London. And it isn't long before she and Ross are role-playing on the ground.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No, you can't have me!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, yes I can! You're my prisoner! My present to be unwrapped at leisure.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Their 50 Shades of Grey(-Powdered Wigs) playtime is interrupted by a knock at the door.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross yells that they'll be down in an hour.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-107133\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/spray-golden-girls-hot.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"...or two.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107132\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/treat-yoself.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Daaaamn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Elizabeth. \u003c/strong>If she hadn't married off Morwenna to a toe-gobbling rapist, Drakenna would be thriving and I would be busy counting my merch line money. I hope her baby is ugly.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The London Hotel Maid. \u003c/strong>For having to clean up the floorboards after Ross and Demelza are done.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/span>\u003cstrong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Geoffrey Charles' Liver. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>Hang in there, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/span>\u003cstrong>Horace's Little Photo-Bombing Butt. \u003c/strong>The best in the biz!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Valentine. \u003c/strong>He's going to need something shiny to play with while he's in therapy for the rest of his life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the show obliterated our emotions by killing off Baby Sara. That watching experience looked a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/depressed-poldark-sara-death-die.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You'd think the writers would dial it down a few notches this week to let us catch our breath, dry our tears and experience a bit of joy again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope! Not gonna happen! Take a seat, happiness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106826\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/smiley-face-fall-down-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Children and their parents are dropping dead from hunger and fever, Ross' fellow politicians don't want to do anything about it, and Malfoy's stupid punchable face is back in the House of Commons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106827\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/boy-am-i-depressed-i-need-a-cookie-golden-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"381\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, thank goddess! Blondie is on the scene to distract us from all the bleakness with a shiny fashion moment! Would you look at that hat?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106831\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"431\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-768x414.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-240x129.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-375x202.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-520x280.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie wears it well, but let's give credit where credit is due.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106832\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/0f9a87d90bd8ca822498778ffe7ac8d2-strawberry-shortcake-cartoon-cartoon-picture.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"236\" height=\"288\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/0f9a87d90bd8ca822498778ffe7ac8d2-strawberry-shortcake-cartoon-cartoon-picture.jpg 236w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/0f9a87d90bd8ca822498778ffe7ac8d2-strawberry-shortcake-cartoon-cartoon-picture-160x195.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 236px) 100vw, 236px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I hope you enjoyed that very brief comedic detour because it's time to travel back to Bleakville. Doc asks Morwenna why she threatened to murder her kid that one time. She explains that the empty threat is the only ammo she has against Gross Goblin's \"attentions.\" #FreeMorwennasToes!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Drake's bachelor pad (okay, fine, the barn he lives in), Demelza is still on her mission to turn Drake and Rosina into an item worthy of a portmanteau couple name. Drosina? Rake?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>See? They don't belong together! Team Drakenna / Morwennake 4 Life! As the president of their official fan club, I vow to make a line of merchandise if they ever find a way to murder Gross Goblin and be together. You would buy a tea set with their faces on it, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-160x136.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-240x204.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-375x318.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-520x441.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake confesses that he thinks Rosina's habit of constantly following him around and waving is cute and all, but it's not love. Demelza tries to reassure him that you don't need to love the person you're going to spend all of eternity with.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Oh, don't worry about actually loving the person you marry! Ross didn't love me at first; he only married me to make his ex jealous! And look at us now! Not living in the same house and barely recovering after two love affairs and a secret love child! Don't you want a piece of that?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake is too nice to actually say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106846\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/no-thank-you-please-liz-lemon-tina-fey-30-rock-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Jennifer Lawrence is still wiggling her toes in Gross Goblin's face for money. Is anyone else beyond tired of this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102176\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"306\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like a parent forcing a child to eat broccoli, it's time for the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers to force me to swallow even more of this Rosina storyline.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106870\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-rosina-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"631\" height=\"353\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106833\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/eat-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"294\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake approaches Rosina and says, \"Ye must know that I have a liking for thee.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>PLEASE SAY \"BUT...\"! Here's how to say it in American Sign Language. I don't care how you get the message across; just shut this down!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-small wp-image-106848\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/but-asl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"720\" height=\"720\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Phew! He tells her about how he'll always love Morwenna. That's right, Rosina! Go wave at someone else!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106896\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/push-rosina-poldark-out-of-car.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, gosh, he's still talking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106838\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/stop-talking-emily-blunt-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"361\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I like ye, take pleasure in your company, I can offer you a \u003cdel>barn\u003c/del> home, a hearth, a quiet, yet comfortable living.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106847\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/dont-say-it-dont-think-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"359\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He then tells her she can take some time to think his proposal over.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106871\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/make-it-stop-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rosina replies, \"No, Drake.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-96487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, brother, I celebrated too soon. She's not done!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I need no time. You're a brave and honest man, and I believe our life together will be good.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106840\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/why-slam-head-on-desk-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"547\" height=\"308\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106842\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/spock-star-trek-sad-watching-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/upset-star-trek-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"166\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I can't believe I gifted her a congratulatory Meryl Streep gif! I'm taking it back! I'm reversing it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106839\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/reverse-meryl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in London, Blondie pretends she isn't as depressed as I am over Baby Sara by throwing a rager. Everyone is there, even Malfoy and Elizabeth. Why didn't the fiery hail I wished on them last week ever come?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106660\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1020x520.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1020x520.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-800x408.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-768x392.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1200x612.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1920x979.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1180x602.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-960x489.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-240x122.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-375x191.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-520x265.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sending Liz down to hell also turned out to be ineffective!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106667\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/going-to-hell-gif-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"304\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait a minute. Could it be possible that the weird memes I make have no real power or influence over what happens on this show?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106849\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/winona-math-emmys-weird-faces-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"374\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, enough about Malfoy and Elizabeth and more about Blondie's new piece of headwear!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106843\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"786\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-160x314.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-768x1509.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-611x1200.png 611w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-240x472.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-375x737.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-520x1022.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again, it's important to give credit where credit is due.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106844\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-1020x1360.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"667\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-1020x1360.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-160x213.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-800x1067.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-768x1024.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-900x1200.jpg 900w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-960x1280.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-240x320.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-375x500.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-520x693.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat.jpg 1125w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Demelza and Doc are starting to resent their spouses for abandoning them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Do you picture them ever, Ross and Blondie together in a world of which we have no part?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Do you not sometimes wonder...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"...if they met each other before they met us...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"...they'd be better matched?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Would we?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ooooo, this is an episode of \u003cem>Wife Swap\u003c/em> I would watch! When the cats are away, the mice will play (with each other's naked bodies on a sand dune)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh, before I have a chance to fully picture it, Sam bursts in with news: Rosina said yes!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know, Sam! Must you remind me?! Can I not have a single moment of joy in imagining Doc and Demelza swapping spit and horny poetry?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Blondie's party, Elizabeth ignores Ross for no reason, which backfires spectacularly when Sir Scam-A-Lot points out to Malfoy that Liz wasn't so cold to Ross the other night outside her house. Oops, was that supposed to be a secret?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106850\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/oops-teehee.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"449\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy boils up inside and updates one of his mental lists:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Reasons Why I've Dedicated My Life to Destroying Ross Poldark: \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>He put a frog in my pants that one time.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>If Herbal Essences existed and wanted to cast someone with gorgeous hair for a shampoo commercial, they would pick Ross over me.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Everyone gets binoculars out when Ross swims or scythes half-naked. Everyone runs in fear when I simply undo my top button.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Lil Ross is probably bigger than Lil Malfoy.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>He spoke to Elizabeth without my permission.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Across the room, an entirely unbothered Ross gives Blondie a hard time for being a party animal and having a bunch of new, fake friends. Let the woman live, Ross! Carpe diem! Furantur vestimenta ex fragum parvulus laganum! (Yep, I cobbled together a very rough Latin translation of \"Steal clothes from Strawberry Shortcake.\")\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106851\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/tyra-typing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"358\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, at yet another Blondie rager, Geoffrey Charles is about to get his drunk butt kicked by some rich dudes. Ever the savior, Ross steps in... and promptly gets sucker-punched in the nose! Not his face! There goes his future modeling career!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106852\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/marcia-nose.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if Geoffrey Charles hasn't made enough of a mess of this party, he goes and does this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106853\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/geoffrey-charles-poldark-puke-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A person whose job is to clean up rich people puke appears. Never one to miss the opportunity to talk to a poor person, Ross engages Puke Cleaner-Upper in conversation and finds out this gig was the only way he could make ends meet. PCU's eagerness to scrub vomit out of a fancy carpet renews Ross' drive to pass a bill or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Gross Goblin puts on a repulsive striptease for a terrified Morwenna. He announces: \"Let us say a little prayer and then you will submit to me.\" I hope that Puke Cleaner-Upper is still around 'cause I think I'm gonna...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106894\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/puke.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How about we say a little prayer that Gross Goblin chokes on a foot and dies?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/titus-kimmy-schmidt-praying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"457\" height=\"474\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The candles in Morwenna's bedroom go out, which I assume means she's getting raped again. This show is... a lot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Jennifer Lawrence smiles to herself while she polishes and admires a new candlestick she bought with her toe jam money. Hope it was worth eternal damnation.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106874\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/welcome-to-hell-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Jennifer Lawrence's husband returns home earlier than expected, peeks through a window and gets an eyeful of all the kinky foot stuff his trifling wife and Gross Goblin have been up to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106854\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/oh-my-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106855\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/bleach-eyes-simpsons-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pass the eye bleach 'cause I need it to sear the image of all these baby and kid-sized caskets in the next scene. Geez, we get it, \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers! The 19th-century was bleak! Message received! Like Ariana Grande, I've got no tears left to cry!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, good! Something nice to look at! Another fancy hat!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106858\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"597\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM.png 678w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM-160x191.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM-240x287.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM-375x448.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM-520x621.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Snatched right from Strawberry Shortcake's closet!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106876\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"643\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline.jpg 873w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-160x206.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-800x1028.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-768x987.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-240x308.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-375x482.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-520x668.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross gives Blondie a TED Talk about confronting the pain of losing a kid. \"We are taught to be strong, to portray no weakness, but the night [Julia died] I learned to be strong\u003cem> is\u003c/em> weakness. Pain should not be avoided. Tears must fall.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Didn't I just say that Blondie, Ariana Grande and I don't have any tears left to cry? Stop traumatizing us!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, great! More trauma in the form of Gross Goblin rolling off of a Morwenna. And to make matters worse, Morwenna's one true love is about to get married to Rosina!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106859\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/her.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza helps Drake set up his bed for the wedding sex that'll take place there the following day. She again tries to brainwash him into believing that marrying someone you don't like that much is a good idea: \"In time, like Ross and me, love will grow.\" Mmhm, riiiight.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106860\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/keep-telling-yourself-that-romy-michele-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"257\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that Gross Goblin is raping Morwenna again, he decides to cut off his quid-pro-toe-suck arrangement with Jennifer Lawrence. On his way home from her house, a masked man confronts him in the woods. It's Mr. Jennifer Lawrence! And he has a weapon! Lumiere, the fancy candlestick!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106861\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/lumiere-gif-beauty-beast.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Jennifer Lawrence uses Lumiere to beat Gross Goblin off his horse! Gross Goblin's foot gets caught in one of the stirrups and the horse, whom we'll call Phillipe to stick with the \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em> theme, runs off and drags Gross Goblin through the woods and bangs his skull against a bunch of trees!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106878\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/kristen-bell-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"233\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106879\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/waiting-for-this-moment.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"215\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What a beautiful sight. A foot-gobbling monster gets taken down by his own foot. Poetic justice is alive and well!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106877\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/so-used-to-giving-get-to-receive-cry-gif-big-brothere.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Gross Goblin is discovered DEAD!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106882\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/celebrating.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"376\" height=\"252\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tell Blondie and her friends to make some room at their party 'cause we're celebrating tonight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106883\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/pour-drinks-drunk-party.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"294\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106880\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/troll-dance-party.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"372\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>OMG, this means that Morwenna is single again, just in time to speak or forever hold her peace at Drake's wedding!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Drake putting flowers on what he thinks will be Rosina's pillow!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106881\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/NOT-ON-MY-WATCH-iyanla-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake, check Twitter! Your ex's dead husband is trending!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But who needs Twitter when Demelza is here to spread the news (bless her!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake isn't as stoked as I'd thought he'd be, though.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Why tell me, sister? Why not keep me in the dark and let me wed that sweet, sweet girl?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106884\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sorry-not-sorry-jennifer-lawrence.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I would feel bad for Rosina if I wasn't so busy mass-producing Drakenna / Morwennake merchandise. Why stop at tea sets?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106886\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"742\" height=\"678\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit.png 742w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-160x146.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-240x219.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-375x343.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-520x475.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 742px) 100vw, 742px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106899\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"452\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets-160x193.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets-240x289.jpg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 375px) 100vw, 375px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106900\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1180x1180.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because he's a good, compassionate person, Drake finds Rosina skipping around with her bridesmaids and breaks up with her in person, instead of ditching her at the altar. I imagine he tells her he can't marry her like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106862\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/i-wish-i-could-but-i-dont-want-to-gif-phoebe-friends.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"377\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone is horrified by the news.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone except for me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc has a hallucination of Blondie holding Baby Sara.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106887\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/not-gonna-cry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"249\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza disrupts his vision with the news that Drake has run away. She breaks down in Doc's embrace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I just wish somebody would take care of me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, Ross should be here.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"And Caroline.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But they're not, so maybe kiss? (Sorry, I live for the drama.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106888\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/shrug.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Ross tries to convince Blondie to return to Cornwall with him. She's not wearing a hat this time, which I assume means that she received a cease and desist letter from Strawberry Shortcake.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie explains to Ross that she couldn't weep for Baby Sara and that the experience of having her dead baby taken from her arms could only be numbed by getting hammered every night in London. She's gonna stay and do some more of that but wants Ross to know that his TED Talk helped and she has begun to weep again. Me too, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/1361.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Gross Goblin's funeral (wow, I really enjoyed typing that!), Gross Goblin's Mama loudly announces that Morwenna is a bad mom and that she plans to adopt her child. Morwenna faints on the spot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After she's resuscitated, Elizabeth and Malfoy walk over and pretend to be empathetic, but, after years of torture, Morwenna is not in the mood for fake @ssholes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"You must feel the loss keenly.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"I feel nothing but relief. I loathed him with every bone in my body. He sought to have me committed. He took away my son. He violated me...again...and again...and again.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth pretends to be shocked: \"I did not know! We could not have possibly known, cousin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Our only thought was to provide you with an advantageous...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"ADVANTAGEOUS TO WHOM?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yaaaas, queen, tell them!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106889\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/speak-on-it-sis-preach.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"480\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Athlete's Foot Locker, Jennifer Lawrence and her husband agree to keep Lumiere a secret. Mr. Lawrence also agrees to pretend he doesn't now know how evil his wife really is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza and company are all worried about where Drake is, but his whereabouts are obvious! He's where everyone goes when they're being drama queens: the crashing waves! Before you get too excited, he's fully clothed, so no gifs for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Drake wakes up outside of Morwenna's house. As luck would have it, she comes outside! He approaches her, but she can't even.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"I cannot bear it! I'm sick! Tainted! It's done with! Ended! Please leave me now and never come back.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106897\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/push-drake-out-of-car-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if this wasn't upsetting enough, Gross Goblin's Mama interrupts the reunion and orders her servants to horsewhip Drake and remove him from the premises! *adds Gross Goblin's Mama to my hit list*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, great. Malfoy is running around, spreading a rumor that Drake killed Gross Goblin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106890\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/not-today-satan.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will the kid ever catch a break?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Elizabeth catches wind of Malfoy's new evil plan, she doesn't go along with it for once: \"The man was a monster and we forced her to wed him. If you value my love, do not pursue Drake.\" Plus one point for her, which means she's now only at negative 92,371 points in my book.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy calls off the search, but has an evil Plan B. Recruit Rosina's upset dad and burn Drake's barn to the ground. If all of this insanity is going on in episode 5, I'm scared to think of what the writers are saving for the season finale!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, in front of the barn's ashes, Rosina tells Demelza she wishes Drake found out the truth right after they were married so he would be trapped in his vows to her forever. \"I know he would have never left me.\" Wow. Rosina sucks as much as I thought she did.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/youre-that-girl-i-knew-you-were-gif-alyssa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She doesn't deserve Drake's love or a cool couple name!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a cliff's edge, which is the second most popular place to be dramatic in Cornwall, Morwenna throws Drake's friendship (with very minor benefits) bracelet into the ocean. Are we really going to have to wait until the season finale to break out the Morwennake merch?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106892\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/were-waiting.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In London, Ross finally passes a bill to help poor people. That's great news! But the even better news is that his nose is healing quite nicely. Teen modeling career is back on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106856\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/marcia-nose-better-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"262\" height=\"153\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Gross Goblin. \u003c/strong>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-19742\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Mine. \u003c/strong>For not being in this episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Puke Cleaner-Upper. \u003c/strong>Hopefully, the passage of the welfare bill means he won't have to spend his nights scooping up trust fund kids' half-digested corn.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Drake and Morwenna. \u003c/strong>These two deserve a medal for all they've been through. They also deserve some of the profits from my soon-to-be very successful merchandise line. *gives self manicure with the official Morwennake nail clipper*\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lumiere\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Great work! Be our guest for however many episodes it takes to kill off all these evil jerks.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "So much insanity goes down in this episode, I'm scared to think of what the writers are saving for the season finale!",
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"description": "So much insanity goes down in this episode, I'm scared to think of what the writers are saving for the season finale!",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry | KQED",
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"headline": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry",
"datePublished": "2018-10-28T18:46:23-07:00",
"dateModified": "2018-10-28T18:48:33-07:00",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the show obliterated our emotions by killing off Baby Sara. That watching experience looked a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/depressed-poldark-sara-death-die.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You'd think the writers would dial it down a few notches this week to let us catch our breath, dry our tears and experience a bit of joy again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope! Not gonna happen! Take a seat, happiness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106826\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/smiley-face-fall-down-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Children and their parents are dropping dead from hunger and fever, Ross' fellow politicians don't want to do anything about it, and Malfoy's stupid punchable face is back in the House of Commons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106827\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/boy-am-i-depressed-i-need-a-cookie-golden-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"381\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, thank goddess! Blondie is on the scene to distract us from all the bleakness with a shiny fashion moment! Would you look at that hat?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106831\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"431\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-768x414.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-240x129.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-375x202.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/werk-blondie-520x280.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie wears it well, but let's give credit where credit is due.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106832\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/0f9a87d90bd8ca822498778ffe7ac8d2-strawberry-shortcake-cartoon-cartoon-picture.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"236\" height=\"288\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/0f9a87d90bd8ca822498778ffe7ac8d2-strawberry-shortcake-cartoon-cartoon-picture.jpg 236w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/0f9a87d90bd8ca822498778ffe7ac8d2-strawberry-shortcake-cartoon-cartoon-picture-160x195.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 236px) 100vw, 236px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I hope you enjoyed that very brief comedic detour because it's time to travel back to Bleakville. Doc asks Morwenna why she threatened to murder her kid that one time. She explains that the empty threat is the only ammo she has against Gross Goblin's \"attentions.\" #FreeMorwennasToes!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Drake's bachelor pad (okay, fine, the barn he lives in), Demelza is still on her mission to turn Drake and Rosina into an item worthy of a portmanteau couple name. Drosina? Rake?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>See? They don't belong together! Team Drakenna / Morwennake 4 Life! As the president of their official fan club, I vow to make a line of merchandise if they ever find a way to murder Gross Goblin and be together. You would buy a tea set with their faces on it, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-160x136.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-240x204.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-375x318.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/drake-tea-set-poldark-520x441.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake confesses that he thinks Rosina's habit of constantly following him around and waving is cute and all, but it's not love. Demelza tries to reassure him that you don't need to love the person you're going to spend all of eternity with.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Oh, don't worry about actually loving the person you marry! Ross didn't love me at first; he only married me to make his ex jealous! And look at us now! Not living in the same house and barely recovering after two love affairs and a secret love child! Don't you want a piece of that?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake is too nice to actually say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106846\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/no-thank-you-please-liz-lemon-tina-fey-30-rock-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Jennifer Lawrence is still wiggling her toes in Gross Goblin's face for money. Is anyone else beyond tired of this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102176\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"306\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like a parent forcing a child to eat broccoli, it's time for the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers to force me to swallow even more of this Rosina storyline.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106870\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-rosina-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"631\" height=\"353\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106833\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/eat-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"294\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake approaches Rosina and says, \"Ye must know that I have a liking for thee.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>PLEASE SAY \"BUT...\"! Here's how to say it in American Sign Language. I don't care how you get the message across; just shut this down!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-small wp-image-106848\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/but-asl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"720\" height=\"720\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Phew! He tells her about how he'll always love Morwenna. That's right, Rosina! Go wave at someone else!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106896\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/push-rosina-poldark-out-of-car.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, gosh, he's still talking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106838\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/stop-talking-emily-blunt-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"361\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I like ye, take pleasure in your company, I can offer you a \u003cdel>barn\u003c/del> home, a hearth, a quiet, yet comfortable living.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106847\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/dont-say-it-dont-think-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"359\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He then tells her she can take some time to think his proposal over.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106871\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/make-it-stop-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rosina replies, \"No, Drake.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-96487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, brother, I celebrated too soon. She's not done!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I need no time. You're a brave and honest man, and I believe our life together will be good.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106840\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/why-slam-head-on-desk-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"547\" height=\"308\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106842\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/spock-star-trek-sad-watching-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/upset-star-trek-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"166\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I can't believe I gifted her a congratulatory Meryl Streep gif! I'm taking it back! I'm reversing it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106839\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/reverse-meryl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in London, Blondie pretends she isn't as depressed as I am over Baby Sara by throwing a rager. Everyone is there, even Malfoy and Elizabeth. Why didn't the fiery hail I wished on them last week ever come?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106660\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1020x520.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1020x520.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-800x408.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-768x392.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1200x612.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1920x979.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1180x602.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-960x489.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-240x122.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-375x191.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-520x265.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sending Liz down to hell also turned out to be ineffective!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106667\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/going-to-hell-gif-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"304\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait a minute. Could it be possible that the weird memes I make have no real power or influence over what happens on this show?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106849\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/winona-math-emmys-weird-faces-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"374\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, enough about Malfoy and Elizabeth and more about Blondie's new piece of headwear!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106843\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"786\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-160x314.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-768x1509.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-611x1200.png 611w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-240x472.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-375x737.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/blondie-cool-hat-poldark-520x1022.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again, it's important to give credit where credit is due.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106844\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-1020x1360.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"667\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-1020x1360.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-160x213.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-800x1067.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-768x1024.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-900x1200.jpg 900w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-960x1280.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-240x320.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-375x500.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat-520x693.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/strawberry-shortcake-hat.jpg 1125w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Demelza and Doc are starting to resent their spouses for abandoning them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Do you picture them ever, Ross and Blondie together in a world of which we have no part?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Do you not sometimes wonder...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"...if they met each other before they met us...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"...they'd be better matched?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Would we?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ooooo, this is an episode of \u003cem>Wife Swap\u003c/em> I would watch! When the cats are away, the mice will play (with each other's naked bodies on a sand dune)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh, before I have a chance to fully picture it, Sam bursts in with news: Rosina said yes!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know, Sam! Must you remind me?! Can I not have a single moment of joy in imagining Doc and Demelza swapping spit and horny poetry?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Blondie's party, Elizabeth ignores Ross for no reason, which backfires spectacularly when Sir Scam-A-Lot points out to Malfoy that Liz wasn't so cold to Ross the other night outside her house. Oops, was that supposed to be a secret?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106850\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/oops-teehee.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"449\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy boils up inside and updates one of his mental lists:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Reasons Why I've Dedicated My Life to Destroying Ross Poldark: \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>He put a frog in my pants that one time.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>If Herbal Essences existed and wanted to cast someone with gorgeous hair for a shampoo commercial, they would pick Ross over me.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Everyone gets binoculars out when Ross swims or scythes half-naked. Everyone runs in fear when I simply undo my top button.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Lil Ross is probably bigger than Lil Malfoy.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>He spoke to Elizabeth without my permission.\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Across the room, an entirely unbothered Ross gives Blondie a hard time for being a party animal and having a bunch of new, fake friends. Let the woman live, Ross! Carpe diem! Furantur vestimenta ex fragum parvulus laganum! (Yep, I cobbled together a very rough Latin translation of \"Steal clothes from Strawberry Shortcake.\")\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106851\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/tyra-typing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"358\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, at yet another Blondie rager, Geoffrey Charles is about to get his drunk butt kicked by some rich dudes. Ever the savior, Ross steps in... and promptly gets sucker-punched in the nose! Not his face! There goes his future modeling career!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106852\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/marcia-nose.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if Geoffrey Charles hasn't made enough of a mess of this party, he goes and does this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106853\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/geoffrey-charles-poldark-puke-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A person whose job is to clean up rich people puke appears. Never one to miss the opportunity to talk to a poor person, Ross engages Puke Cleaner-Upper in conversation and finds out this gig was the only way he could make ends meet. PCU's eagerness to scrub vomit out of a fancy carpet renews Ross' drive to pass a bill or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Gross Goblin puts on a repulsive striptease for a terrified Morwenna. He announces: \"Let us say a little prayer and then you will submit to me.\" I hope that Puke Cleaner-Upper is still around 'cause I think I'm gonna...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106894\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/puke.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How about we say a little prayer that Gross Goblin chokes on a foot and dies?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/titus-kimmy-schmidt-praying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"457\" height=\"474\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The candles in Morwenna's bedroom go out, which I assume means she's getting raped again. This show is... a lot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Jennifer Lawrence smiles to herself while she polishes and admires a new candlestick she bought with her toe jam money. Hope it was worth eternal damnation.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106874\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/welcome-to-hell-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Jennifer Lawrence's husband returns home earlier than expected, peeks through a window and gets an eyeful of all the kinky foot stuff his trifling wife and Gross Goblin have been up to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106854\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/oh-my-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106855\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/bleach-eyes-simpsons-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pass the eye bleach 'cause I need it to sear the image of all these baby and kid-sized caskets in the next scene. Geez, we get it, \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers! The 19th-century was bleak! Message received! Like Ariana Grande, I've got no tears left to cry!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, good! Something nice to look at! Another fancy hat!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106858\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"597\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM.png 678w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM-160x191.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM-240x287.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM-375x448.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/Screen-Shot-2018-10-27-at-7.57.26-PM-520x621.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Snatched right from Strawberry Shortcake's closet!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106876\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"643\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline.jpg 873w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-160x206.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-800x1028.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-768x987.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-240x308.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-375x482.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-strawberry-enys-caroline-520x668.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross gives Blondie a TED Talk about confronting the pain of losing a kid. \"We are taught to be strong, to portray no weakness, but the night [Julia died] I learned to be strong\u003cem> is\u003c/em> weakness. Pain should not be avoided. Tears must fall.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Didn't I just say that Blondie, Ariana Grande and I don't have any tears left to cry? Stop traumatizing us!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, great! More trauma in the form of Gross Goblin rolling off of a Morwenna. And to make matters worse, Morwenna's one true love is about to get married to Rosina!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106859\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/her.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza helps Drake set up his bed for the wedding sex that'll take place there the following day. She again tries to brainwash him into believing that marrying someone you don't like that much is a good idea: \"In time, like Ross and me, love will grow.\" Mmhm, riiiight.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106860\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/keep-telling-yourself-that-romy-michele-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"257\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that Gross Goblin is raping Morwenna again, he decides to cut off his quid-pro-toe-suck arrangement with Jennifer Lawrence. On his way home from her house, a masked man confronts him in the woods. It's Mr. Jennifer Lawrence! And he has a weapon! Lumiere, the fancy candlestick!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106861\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/lumiere-gif-beauty-beast.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Jennifer Lawrence uses Lumiere to beat Gross Goblin off his horse! Gross Goblin's foot gets caught in one of the stirrups and the horse, whom we'll call Phillipe to stick with the \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em> theme, runs off and drags Gross Goblin through the woods and bangs his skull against a bunch of trees!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106878\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/kristen-bell-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"233\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106879\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/waiting-for-this-moment.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"215\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What a beautiful sight. A foot-gobbling monster gets taken down by his own foot. Poetic justice is alive and well!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106877\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/so-used-to-giving-get-to-receive-cry-gif-big-brothere.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Gross Goblin is discovered DEAD!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106882\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/celebrating.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"376\" height=\"252\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tell Blondie and her friends to make some room at their party 'cause we're celebrating tonight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106883\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/pour-drinks-drunk-party.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"294\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106880\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/troll-dance-party.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"372\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>OMG, this means that Morwenna is single again, just in time to speak or forever hold her peace at Drake's wedding!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Drake putting flowers on what he thinks will be Rosina's pillow!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106881\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/NOT-ON-MY-WATCH-iyanla-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake, check Twitter! Your ex's dead husband is trending!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But who needs Twitter when Demelza is here to spread the news (bless her!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake isn't as stoked as I'd thought he'd be, though.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Why tell me, sister? Why not keep me in the dark and let me wed that sweet, sweet girl?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106884\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sorry-not-sorry-jennifer-lawrence.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I would feel bad for Rosina if I wasn't so busy mass-producing Drakenna / Morwennake merchandise. Why stop at tea sets?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106886\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"742\" height=\"678\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit.png 742w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-160x146.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-240x219.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-375x343.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swimsuit-520x475.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 742px) 100vw, 742px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106899\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"452\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets-160x193.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sheets-240x289.jpg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 375px) 100vw, 375px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106900\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1200x1200.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-1180x1180.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-960x960.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/053_Pro-Performance-Nail-Clipper-Detail-Image-2-copy-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because he's a good, compassionate person, Drake finds Rosina skipping around with her bridesmaids and breaks up with her in person, instead of ditching her at the altar. I imagine he tells her he can't marry her like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106862\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/i-wish-i-could-but-i-dont-want-to-gif-phoebe-friends.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"377\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone is horrified by the news.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone except for me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc has a hallucination of Blondie holding Baby Sara.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106887\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/not-gonna-cry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"249\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza disrupts his vision with the news that Drake has run away. She breaks down in Doc's embrace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I just wish somebody would take care of me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, Ross should be here.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"And Caroline.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But they're not, so maybe kiss? (Sorry, I live for the drama.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106888\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/shrug.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Ross tries to convince Blondie to return to Cornwall with him. She's not wearing a hat this time, which I assume means that she received a cease and desist letter from Strawberry Shortcake.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie explains to Ross that she couldn't weep for Baby Sara and that the experience of having her dead baby taken from her arms could only be numbed by getting hammered every night in London. She's gonna stay and do some more of that but wants Ross to know that his TED Talk helped and she has begun to weep again. Me too, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/1361.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Gross Goblin's funeral (wow, I really enjoyed typing that!), Gross Goblin's Mama loudly announces that Morwenna is a bad mom and that she plans to adopt her child. Morwenna faints on the spot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After she's resuscitated, Elizabeth and Malfoy walk over and pretend to be empathetic, but, after years of torture, Morwenna is not in the mood for fake @ssholes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"You must feel the loss keenly.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"I feel nothing but relief. I loathed him with every bone in my body. He sought to have me committed. He took away my son. He violated me...again...and again...and again.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth pretends to be shocked: \"I did not know! We could not have possibly known, cousin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Our only thought was to provide you with an advantageous...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"ADVANTAGEOUS TO WHOM?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yaaaas, queen, tell them!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106889\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/speak-on-it-sis-preach.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"480\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Athlete's Foot Locker, Jennifer Lawrence and her husband agree to keep Lumiere a secret. Mr. Lawrence also agrees to pretend he doesn't now know how evil his wife really is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza and company are all worried about where Drake is, but his whereabouts are obvious! He's where everyone goes when they're being drama queens: the crashing waves! Before you get too excited, he's fully clothed, so no gifs for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Drake wakes up outside of Morwenna's house. As luck would have it, she comes outside! He approaches her, but she can't even.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \"I cannot bear it! I'm sick! Tainted! It's done with! Ended! Please leave me now and never come back.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106897\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/push-drake-out-of-car-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if this wasn't upsetting enough, Gross Goblin's Mama interrupts the reunion and orders her servants to horsewhip Drake and remove him from the premises! *adds Gross Goblin's Mama to my hit list*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, great. Malfoy is running around, spreading a rumor that Drake killed Gross Goblin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106890\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/not-today-satan.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will the kid ever catch a break?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Elizabeth catches wind of Malfoy's new evil plan, she doesn't go along with it for once: \"The man was a monster and we forced her to wed him. If you value my love, do not pursue Drake.\" Plus one point for her, which means she's now only at negative 92,371 points in my book.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy calls off the search, but has an evil Plan B. Recruit Rosina's upset dad and burn Drake's barn to the ground. If all of this insanity is going on in episode 5, I'm scared to think of what the writers are saving for the season finale!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, in front of the barn's ashes, Rosina tells Demelza she wishes Drake found out the truth right after they were married so he would be trapped in his vows to her forever. \"I know he would have never left me.\" Wow. Rosina sucks as much as I thought she did.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/youre-that-girl-i-knew-you-were-gif-alyssa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She doesn't deserve Drake's love or a cool couple name!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a cliff's edge, which is the second most popular place to be dramatic in Cornwall, Morwenna throws Drake's friendship (with very minor benefits) bracelet into the ocean. Are we really going to have to wait until the season finale to break out the Morwennake merch?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106892\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/were-waiting.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In London, Ross finally passes a bill to help poor people. That's great news! But the even better news is that his nose is healing quite nicely. Teen modeling career is back on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106856\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/marcia-nose-better-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"262\" height=\"153\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Gross Goblin. \u003c/strong>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-19742\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Mine. \u003c/strong>For not being in this episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Puke Cleaner-Upper. \u003c/strong>Hopefully, the passage of the welfare bill means he won't have to spend his nights scooping up trust fund kids' half-digested corn.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Drake and Morwenna. \u003c/strong>These two deserve a medal for all they've been through. They also deserve some of the profits from my soon-to-be very successful merchandise line. *gives self manicure with the official Morwennake nail clipper*\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lumiere\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Great work! Be our guest for however many episodes it takes to kill off all these evil jerks.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River",
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"content": "\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza tried to make \u003cdel>fetch\u003c/del> Rosina and Drake happen, Blondie gave birth and continued to workshop jokes for her one-woman show\u003cem> Kids Are The Absolute Worst\u003c/em>, and Ross made up for hanging out with his ex by sexing Demelza all over the kitchen table. Will Rosina and Morwenna vie for Drake's final rose in a very special 18th-century version of \u003cem>The Bachelor\u003c/em>? Will plugging our ears and saying \"LA LA LA\" really loudly stop whatever terrible thing is about to happen to Blondie's baby? Will the Poldarks need to decipher Swedish pictograph instructions to build a replacement kitchen table for the one they desecrated with all their boinking? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We... okay, I... asked for more smack-talking about children. And less than 10 seconds into this episode, Blondie is supplying in spades! Looking down on Baby Sara's cherubic face, she asks, \"Is this creature not provoking, boring me to tears with her endless smiles? I live for the day the little beast runs away. I tell her I shan't miss her at all.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This would be a real knee-slapper if Baby Sara wasn't slowly dying and all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106623\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/princess-diaries-anne-hathaway-fan-face-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Understandably, Doc does not find the joke funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the inside, he's thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106629\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/way-harsh-blondie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"475\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But since whatever's wrong with Baby Sara is still a secret, all he can do is quietly choke back a sob and walk away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106636\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/brb-gtg-sob.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is busy doing what he does best: throwing a deranged Veruca Salt-sized tantrum. This time, it's about being voted out of Parliament. It's really hard to be an uber-rich white man, you guys!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Waaaahhhhhhh. It's 'cause my grandfather was a blacksmith, isn't it?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, no, I'm pretty sure people just despise everything else about you. Oh, and because I live to stir the pot and make everything worse, here's a fun fact: A little birdie told me that Demelza got your donor drunk and convinced him to rethink supporting evil jerks like you. Another reason to plot against my ex! Yay! I have no life and am dead inside!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza's name immediately makes Malfoy's eyelid twitch. He yells that she's an \"impudent kitchen troll.\" As someone who enjoyed a modest collection of Troll dolls in the '90s, I consider that a compliment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106631\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-troll.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"334\" height=\"500\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-troll.jpg 334w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-troll-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-troll-240x359.jpg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 334px) 100vw, 334px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who needs mining when you're born with a precious jewel inside your belly button?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the edge of a cliff, Doc holds Baby Sara and looks like he just watched Bambi's mom get shot \u003cem>and\u003c/em> the end of \u003cem>A Star Is Born\u003c/em> back to back. Judging by Baby Sara's facial expression, she is harshly judging the writers for bringing her into this world, only to potentially kill her off as unceremoniously as a \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> character.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106633\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/WTF-i-just-got-here-poldark-baby-sarah-doctor-ennis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc whispers, \"Stay a little while longer.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sorry. I'll be right back. Some dust got in my eye. *goes into the next room and cries into a pillow so my neighbors won't hear*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/im-emotional-right-now-britney.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Poldark, out of nowhere, Demelza asks Ross if he thinks they will ever truly mend their relationship. Good god, I am getting tired of these constant intense couples therapy sessions! He cheated. She cheated. Horny poetry was exchanged. It's over. Let's move on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/enough-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"160\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, wow, it's like Ross and Demelza heard me 'cause they decide to stop talking about feelings and just have some more sex. That's more like it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/proud-of-you-thumbs-up-compute-kid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross quickly learns that being a politician isn't exactly the Robin Hood steal-from-the-rich-give-to-the-poor dream he had in mind. His donor is already trying to control his vote on certain matters. Welcome to the swamp, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106640\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swamp-monkey-walk-cute-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, at the mine, Ross runs into Doc and asks why he always looks like this lately:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98835\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/baby-cry-mask.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"352\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc confesses that Baby Sara has a congenital heart defect (NO!) and will for sure die (STOP!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106665\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/charlotte-sex-and-the-city-poldark-horace-baby-sarah-death.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"249\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Umm, awkward confession time: This might kind of be my fault. Remember when I was really against Blondie betraying her only child, Horace the Pug, by having a human child? Maybe all that advocating led to this? *Steve Urkel voice* \u003cem>Did I do thaaat?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106624\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/my-bad-clueless-cher-driving-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"414\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Morwenna's house, things just keep getting bleaker. Not only has Gross Goblin's mom practically moved in, but Elizabeth also pays a visit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106645\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/get-out-buffy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth tells Morwenna that she thinks the way Mama Goblin terrorizes the nanny is strange. You know what's strange, Liz? The fact that you married off this poor girl to a toe-snacking rapist and have the audacity to pop on over for tea like it ain't no thing. Hell, party of one. We'll seat you now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106667\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/going-to-hell-gif-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"304\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For what feels like the 8,432nd episode in a row, Jennifer Lawrence puts her feet in Gross Goblin's mouth for money. Yawn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In addition to being terrible at...well, basic humanity, Gross Goblin is also terrible at not being caught sucking on someone else's wife's toes. While leaving Jennifer Lawrence's crack den, he is spotted not just by Elizabeth, but by Jennifer Lawrence's husband too!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/congarts-you-suck-obama.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Geoffrey Charles pays a visit to Drake and yammers on about Morwenna. Drake shrugs and says, \"Life must go on,\" followed by a shot of Rosina waving. Once again, dear \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106483\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/stop-trying-to-make-rosina-happen-gif-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"198\" height=\"211\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is roaming the space around Drake and waving all this girl does? Get a hobby!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Demelza forces Drake to walk Rosina home again, but this time, Sam doesn't go along to act as a human prophylactic. Rosina says people might get the wrong idea and think they're dating. Drake smiles and says he's okay with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106647\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/i-hate-this-30-rock-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"284\" height=\"196\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106626\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/very-upset-about-this-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Gross Goblin hatches a new plan to get even with Morwenna for denying him access to her feet; he plans to have her institutionalized. Can evil take a single afternoon off? I am exhausted.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/leave-morwenna-britney-alone-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"162\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Evil just got back to me about taking the afternoon off. It's a hard no. Baby Sara has developed a cough. So far, she's beating back the Grim Reaper.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106641\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/carrie-sex-and-the-city-flower-gif-movie-mr-big.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"249\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Keep up the good fight, little one!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Gross Goblin tries to get Doc to say that Morwenna is bonkers enough to lock away forever. Really not in the mood for this kind of nonsense today, Doc eviscerates Gross Goblin: \"I cannot help you, sir, nor do I wish to. It is my humble opinion that if a husband cannot win his wife by loving, kindness and sympathy, then he deserves to go without her. I bid you a good day!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In case you're not fluent in overly-polite British, here's a translation:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/middle-finger-surprise-cross-bow-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I usually skip all the mining plotlines because zzzzzzzzzzz, but something important is actually happening down there for once. Ross plans to save the mine from bankruptcy by digging into new territory he thinks holds valuable minerals or whatever. Instead, he and Sam strike... a bunch of water! The mine starts to flood and everyone is in danger of drowning to death! Good going, guys! The homicidal puddle that murdered Francis is back for more!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A challenger for Gross Goblin's Bad At Everything title emerges in the form of some dude named Bobby. While trying to escape from the mine, he slips from the ladder, belly flops into deep water and then sinks to the bottom just in time for a random cart of rocks to fall on his leg. Oy vey.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106651\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/get-your-shit-together-star-trek-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"280\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross eventually frees him, and Doc manages to bring him back to life via mouth-to-mouth. That's great for Bobby and all, but will Doc be able to save Baby Sara?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106652\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/praying-crying-how-to-get-away-with-murder-gif-viola-davis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of which, Blondie finally knows about Baby Sara's condition and the prognosis gets even worse: Baby Sara will be dead in a matter of hours.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106653\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/why-conan-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie is all out of jokes. \"I never wanted this wretched creature, but over the months, she has wormed her way into my affections, supplanting even poor Horace.\" (Considering the situation, I'll allow the demotion.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Asked whether Blondie wants Demelza to come over for support, she says, \"No, I am a hard woman and can fend for myself. I believe Demelza would cry, and that I fear would undo us all.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97507\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza or no Demelza, I am undone. Baby Sara passes away that night.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I held most of the tears back until I saw that little black casket. Then the floodgates really opened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106654\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/beyonce-flood-gates-water-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>R.I.P. Horace's lil sis! I'm sorry I hated on the idea of you. Please say hi to Agatha and Prison Bestie and Jago and Julia for me. No need to say anything to Francis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the funeral, Ross interrupts Demelza's weeping with yet another helping of jealousy over Prison Bestie. Is he serious?! At a time like this?!? As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, he then yells in Demelza's face about how he doesn't like his new job. \u003cem>Boo hoo, being one of the most powerful men in the country isn't as fun as I thought it would be! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone grieves in their own way, but this is one of the dumbest. Get over yourself, dude! Baby Sara is dead and your grumpiness over work and your insecurity over a one-off sand-dune-boogie is all you can think about?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just in case we needed another reminder of evil never resting, Malfoy and Elizabeth share idiotic grins over how they managed to buy their way back into Parliament. This would be a good time for a Biblical plague to hit their house. Let's not do frogs again. Death of the firstborn just happened, so let's skip that too. Locusts, biting insects, livestock disease, darkness and a river turning into blood won't do either. So fiery hail it is!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106660\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1020x520.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1020x520.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-800x408.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-768x392.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1200x612.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1920x979.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1180x602.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-960x489.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-240x122.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-375x191.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-520x265.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's for...well, everything, but especially for not letting Agatha lie about her age and have a fun, boozy birthday party!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Blondie decides to leave Doc and move to London so she can learn to forget the loss of Baby Sara. Uh oh, there go the floodgates again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106654\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/beyonce-flood-gates-water-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My face had just dried! Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At last, we get a reward for surviving all of this emotional devastation. Ding dong, it's HORACE O'CLOCK! And not a moment too soon! A much-needed rainbow after this sh*t-storm of an episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106659\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horace-pug-poldark-carriage-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Find someone who looks at you the way Doc looks at Horace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106658\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/smile-horace-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(Yes, I do realize he's actually looking at Blondie. Let me have my fun during this emotional time!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While leaving Cornwall maybe forever, Blondie tells Doc, \"Do your best not to miss Horace.\" Ok, Blondie, we'll try.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106655\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sad-wilfred-doctor-who-crying-old-man-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"147\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>OMG, another Rosina scene?? NOT NOW.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since the fiery hail hasn't actually arrived yet, I guess I'll settle for Ross randomly destroying Malfoy's No Trespassing property fence. Obliterate it, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106657\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/destroy-door-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"161\" height=\"120\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The animated gif above also serves as an allegory for what this episode has done to my emotions and overall mental health.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>So many evil people to choose from and he snatches up a baby named after one of my favorite Fleetwood Mac songs?! The gall!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Bobby. \u003c/strong>Congrats on not being dead or whatever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Morwenna. \u003c/strong>Hang in there, girl.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Baby Sara. \u003c/strong>*unintelligible parting message drowned out by all the crying*\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Blondie\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>The best character on this entire show deserves much better than this. Like a happy-go-lucky spin-off, which follows her, Horace and Oscar Wilde, as they joke and party their way all over London. Make it happen, Masterpiece!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"description": "In the previous episode of Poldark, Demelza tried to make fetch Rosina and Drake happen, Blondie gave birth and continued to workshop jokes for her one-woman show Kids Are The Absolute Worst, and Ross made up for hanging out with his ex by sexing Demelza all over the kitchen table. Will Rosina and Morwenna vie",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza tried to make \u003cdel>fetch\u003c/del> Rosina and Drake happen, Blondie gave birth and continued to workshop jokes for her one-woman show\u003cem> Kids Are The Absolute Worst\u003c/em>, and Ross made up for hanging out with his ex by sexing Demelza all over the kitchen table. Will Rosina and Morwenna vie for Drake's final rose in a very special 18th-century version of \u003cem>The Bachelor\u003c/em>? Will plugging our ears and saying \"LA LA LA\" really loudly stop whatever terrible thing is about to happen to Blondie's baby? Will the Poldarks need to decipher Swedish pictograph instructions to build a replacement kitchen table for the one they desecrated with all their boinking? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We... okay, I... asked for more smack-talking about children. And less than 10 seconds into this episode, Blondie is supplying in spades! Looking down on Baby Sara's cherubic face, she asks, \"Is this creature not provoking, boring me to tears with her endless smiles? I live for the day the little beast runs away. I tell her I shan't miss her at all.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This would be a real knee-slapper if Baby Sara wasn't slowly dying and all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106623\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/princess-diaries-anne-hathaway-fan-face-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Understandably, Doc does not find the joke funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the inside, he's thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106629\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/way-harsh-blondie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"475\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But since whatever's wrong with Baby Sara is still a secret, all he can do is quietly choke back a sob and walk away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106636\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/brb-gtg-sob.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is busy doing what he does best: throwing a deranged Veruca Salt-sized tantrum. This time, it's about being voted out of Parliament. It's really hard to be an uber-rich white man, you guys!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Waaaahhhhhhh. It's 'cause my grandfather was a blacksmith, isn't it?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, no, I'm pretty sure people just despise everything else about you. Oh, and because I live to stir the pot and make everything worse, here's a fun fact: A little birdie told me that Demelza got your donor drunk and convinced him to rethink supporting evil jerks like you. Another reason to plot against my ex! Yay! I have no life and am dead inside!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza's name immediately makes Malfoy's eyelid twitch. He yells that she's an \"impudent kitchen troll.\" As someone who enjoyed a modest collection of Troll dolls in the '90s, I consider that a compliment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106631\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-troll.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"334\" height=\"500\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-troll.jpg 334w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-troll-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-troll-240x359.jpg 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 334px) 100vw, 334px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who needs mining when you're born with a precious jewel inside your belly button?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the edge of a cliff, Doc holds Baby Sara and looks like he just watched Bambi's mom get shot \u003cem>and\u003c/em> the end of \u003cem>A Star Is Born\u003c/em> back to back. Judging by Baby Sara's facial expression, she is harshly judging the writers for bringing her into this world, only to potentially kill her off as unceremoniously as a \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> character.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106633\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/WTF-i-just-got-here-poldark-baby-sarah-doctor-ennis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc whispers, \"Stay a little while longer.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sorry. I'll be right back. Some dust got in my eye. *goes into the next room and cries into a pillow so my neighbors won't hear*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/im-emotional-right-now-britney.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Poldark, out of nowhere, Demelza asks Ross if he thinks they will ever truly mend their relationship. Good god, I am getting tired of these constant intense couples therapy sessions! He cheated. She cheated. Horny poetry was exchanged. It's over. Let's move on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/enough-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"160\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, wow, it's like Ross and Demelza heard me 'cause they decide to stop talking about feelings and just have some more sex. That's more like it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/proud-of-you-thumbs-up-compute-kid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross quickly learns that being a politician isn't exactly the Robin Hood steal-from-the-rich-give-to-the-poor dream he had in mind. His donor is already trying to control his vote on certain matters. Welcome to the swamp, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106640\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/swamp-monkey-walk-cute-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, at the mine, Ross runs into Doc and asks why he always looks like this lately:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98835\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/baby-cry-mask.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"352\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc confesses that Baby Sara has a congenital heart defect (NO!) and will for sure die (STOP!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106665\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/charlotte-sex-and-the-city-poldark-horace-baby-sarah-death.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"249\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Umm, awkward confession time: This might kind of be my fault. Remember when I was really against Blondie betraying her only child, Horace the Pug, by having a human child? Maybe all that advocating led to this? *Steve Urkel voice* \u003cem>Did I do thaaat?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106624\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/my-bad-clueless-cher-driving-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"414\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Morwenna's house, things just keep getting bleaker. Not only has Gross Goblin's mom practically moved in, but Elizabeth also pays a visit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106645\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/get-out-buffy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth tells Morwenna that she thinks the way Mama Goblin terrorizes the nanny is strange. You know what's strange, Liz? The fact that you married off this poor girl to a toe-snacking rapist and have the audacity to pop on over for tea like it ain't no thing. Hell, party of one. We'll seat you now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106667\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/going-to-hell-gif-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"304\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For what feels like the 8,432nd episode in a row, Jennifer Lawrence puts her feet in Gross Goblin's mouth for money. Yawn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In addition to being terrible at...well, basic humanity, Gross Goblin is also terrible at not being caught sucking on someone else's wife's toes. While leaving Jennifer Lawrence's crack den, he is spotted not just by Elizabeth, but by Jennifer Lawrence's husband too!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/congarts-you-suck-obama.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Geoffrey Charles pays a visit to Drake and yammers on about Morwenna. Drake shrugs and says, \"Life must go on,\" followed by a shot of Rosina waving. Once again, dear \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106483\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/stop-trying-to-make-rosina-happen-gif-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"198\" height=\"211\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is roaming the space around Drake and waving all this girl does? Get a hobby!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Demelza forces Drake to walk Rosina home again, but this time, Sam doesn't go along to act as a human prophylactic. Rosina says people might get the wrong idea and think they're dating. Drake smiles and says he's okay with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106647\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/i-hate-this-30-rock-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"284\" height=\"196\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106626\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/very-upset-about-this-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Gross Goblin hatches a new plan to get even with Morwenna for denying him access to her feet; he plans to have her institutionalized. Can evil take a single afternoon off? I am exhausted.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/leave-morwenna-britney-alone-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"162\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Evil just got back to me about taking the afternoon off. It's a hard no. Baby Sara has developed a cough. So far, she's beating back the Grim Reaper.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106641\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/carrie-sex-and-the-city-flower-gif-movie-mr-big.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"249\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Keep up the good fight, little one!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Gross Goblin tries to get Doc to say that Morwenna is bonkers enough to lock away forever. Really not in the mood for this kind of nonsense today, Doc eviscerates Gross Goblin: \"I cannot help you, sir, nor do I wish to. It is my humble opinion that if a husband cannot win his wife by loving, kindness and sympathy, then he deserves to go without her. I bid you a good day!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In case you're not fluent in overly-polite British, here's a translation:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/middle-finger-surprise-cross-bow-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I usually skip all the mining plotlines because zzzzzzzzzzz, but something important is actually happening down there for once. Ross plans to save the mine from bankruptcy by digging into new territory he thinks holds valuable minerals or whatever. Instead, he and Sam strike... a bunch of water! The mine starts to flood and everyone is in danger of drowning to death! Good going, guys! The homicidal puddle that murdered Francis is back for more!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A challenger for Gross Goblin's Bad At Everything title emerges in the form of some dude named Bobby. While trying to escape from the mine, he slips from the ladder, belly flops into deep water and then sinks to the bottom just in time for a random cart of rocks to fall on his leg. Oy vey.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106651\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/get-your-shit-together-star-trek-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"280\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross eventually frees him, and Doc manages to bring him back to life via mouth-to-mouth. That's great for Bobby and all, but will Doc be able to save Baby Sara?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106652\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/praying-crying-how-to-get-away-with-murder-gif-viola-davis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of which, Blondie finally knows about Baby Sara's condition and the prognosis gets even worse: Baby Sara will be dead in a matter of hours.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106653\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/why-conan-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie is all out of jokes. \"I never wanted this wretched creature, but over the months, she has wormed her way into my affections, supplanting even poor Horace.\" (Considering the situation, I'll allow the demotion.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Asked whether Blondie wants Demelza to come over for support, she says, \"No, I am a hard woman and can fend for myself. I believe Demelza would cry, and that I fear would undo us all.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97507\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza or no Demelza, I am undone. Baby Sara passes away that night.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I held most of the tears back until I saw that little black casket. Then the floodgates really opened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106654\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/beyonce-flood-gates-water-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>R.I.P. Horace's lil sis! I'm sorry I hated on the idea of you. Please say hi to Agatha and Prison Bestie and Jago and Julia for me. No need to say anything to Francis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the funeral, Ross interrupts Demelza's weeping with yet another helping of jealousy over Prison Bestie. Is he serious?! At a time like this?!? As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, he then yells in Demelza's face about how he doesn't like his new job. \u003cem>Boo hoo, being one of the most powerful men in the country isn't as fun as I thought it would be! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone grieves in their own way, but this is one of the dumbest. Get over yourself, dude! Baby Sara is dead and your grumpiness over work and your insecurity over a one-off sand-dune-boogie is all you can think about?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just in case we needed another reminder of evil never resting, Malfoy and Elizabeth share idiotic grins over how they managed to buy their way back into Parliament. This would be a good time for a Biblical plague to hit their house. Let's not do frogs again. Death of the firstborn just happened, so let's skip that too. Locusts, biting insects, livestock disease, darkness and a river turning into blood won't do either. So fiery hail it is!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106660\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1020x520.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1020x520.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-800x408.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-768x392.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1200x612.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1920x979.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-1180x602.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-960x489.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-240x122.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-375x191.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/george-elizabeth-poldark-520x265.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's for...well, everything, but especially for not letting Agatha lie about her age and have a fun, boozy birthday party!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Blondie decides to leave Doc and move to London so she can learn to forget the loss of Baby Sara. Uh oh, there go the floodgates again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106654\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/beyonce-flood-gates-water-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My face had just dried! Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At last, we get a reward for surviving all of this emotional devastation. Ding dong, it's HORACE O'CLOCK! And not a moment too soon! A much-needed rainbow after this sh*t-storm of an episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106659\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horace-pug-poldark-carriage-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Find someone who looks at you the way Doc looks at Horace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106658\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/smile-horace-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(Yes, I do realize he's actually looking at Blondie. Let me have my fun during this emotional time!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While leaving Cornwall maybe forever, Blondie tells Doc, \"Do your best not to miss Horace.\" Ok, Blondie, we'll try.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106655\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sad-wilfred-doctor-who-crying-old-man-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"147\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>OMG, another Rosina scene?? NOT NOW.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since the fiery hail hasn't actually arrived yet, I guess I'll settle for Ross randomly destroying Malfoy's No Trespassing property fence. Obliterate it, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106657\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/destroy-door-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"161\" height=\"120\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The animated gif above also serves as an allegory for what this episode has done to my emotions and overall mental health.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>So many evil people to choose from and he snatches up a baby named after one of my favorite Fleetwood Mac songs?! The gall!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Bobby. \u003c/strong>Congrats on not being dead or whatever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Morwenna. \u003c/strong>Hang in there, girl.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Baby Sara. \u003c/strong>*unintelligible parting message drowned out by all the crying*\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Blondie\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>The best character on this entire show deserves much better than this. Like a happy-go-lucky spin-off, which follows her, Horace and Oscar Wilde, as they joke and party their way all over London. Make it happen, Masterpiece!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"info": "What kind of no sabo word is Hyphenación? For us, it’s about living within a hyphenation. Like being a third-gen Mexican-American from the Texas border now living that Bay Area Chicano life. Like Xorje! Each week we bring together a couple of hyphenated Latinos to talk all about personal life choices: family, careers, relationships, belonging … everything is on the table. ",
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"info": "Our flagship program, helmed by Kai Ryssdal, examines what the day in money delivered, through stories, conversations, newsworthy numbers and more. Updated Monday through Friday at about 3:30 p.m. PT.",
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"info": "The MindShift podcast explores the innovations in education that are shaping how kids learn. Hosts Ki Sung and Katrina Schwartz introduce listeners to educators, researchers, parents and students who are developing effective ways to improve how kids learn. We cover topics like how fed-up administrators are developing surprising tactics to deal with classroom disruptions; how listening to podcasts are helping kids develop reading skills; the consequences of overparenting; and why interdisciplinary learning can engage students on all ends of the traditional achievement spectrum. This podcast is part of the MindShift education site, a division of KQED News. KQED is an NPR/PBS member station based in San Francisco. You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>",
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"info": "For decades, the process for how police police themselves has been inconsistent – if not opaque. In some states, like California, these proceedings were completely hidden. After a new police transparency law unsealed scores of internal affairs files, our reporters set out to examine these cases and the shadow world of police discipline. On Our Watch brings listeners into the rooms where officers are questioned and witnesses are interrogated to find out who this system is really protecting. Is it the officers, or the public they've sworn to serve?",
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"politicalbreakdown": {
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"title": "Political Breakdown",
"tagline": "Politics from a personal perspective",
"info": "Political Breakdown is a new series that explores the political intersection of California and the nation. Each week hosts Scott Shafer and Marisa Lagos are joined with a new special guest to unpack politics -- with personality — and offer an insider’s glimpse at how politics happens.",
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"possible": {
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"title": "Possible",
"info": "Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.",
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"pri-the-world": {
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"title": "PRI's The World: Latest Edition",
"info": "Each weekday, host Marco Werman and his team of producers bring you the world's most interesting stories in an hour of radio that reminds us just how small our planet really is.",
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"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-World-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
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},
"radiolab": {
"id": "radiolab",
"title": "Radiolab",
"info": "A two-time Peabody Award-winner, Radiolab is an investigation told through sounds and stories, and centered around one big idea. In the Radiolab world, information sounds like music and science and culture collide. Hosted by Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich, the show is designed for listeners who demand skepticism, but appreciate wonder. WNYC Studios is the producer of other leading podcasts including Freakonomics Radio, Death, Sex & Money, On the Media and many more.",
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},
"reveal": {
"id": "reveal",
"title": "Reveal",
"info": "Created by The Center for Investigative Reporting and PRX, Reveal is public radios first one-hour weekly radio show and podcast dedicated to investigative reporting. Credible, fact based and without a partisan agenda, Reveal combines the power and artistry of driveway moment storytelling with data-rich reporting on critically important issues. The result is stories that inform and inspire, arming our listeners with information to right injustices, hold the powerful accountable and improve lives.Reveal is hosted by Al Letson and showcases the award-winning work of CIR and newsrooms large and small across the nation. In a radio and podcast market crowded with choices, Reveal focuses on important and often surprising stories that illuminate the world for our listeners.",
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"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.revealnews.org/episodes/",
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},
"rightnowish": {
"id": "rightnowish",
"title": "Rightnowish",
"tagline": "Art is where you find it",
"info": "Rightnowish digs into life in the Bay Area right now… ish. Journalist Pendarvis Harshaw takes us to galleries painted on the sides of liquor stores in West Oakland. We'll dance in warehouses in the Bayview, make smoothies with kids in South Berkeley, and listen to classical music in a 1984 Cutlass Supreme in Richmond. Every week, Pen talks to movers and shakers about how the Bay Area shapes what they create, and how they shape the place we call home.",
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"order": 16
},
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