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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Gross Goblin continued to gobble up lady toes, Ross finally decided to snatch Malfoy's Parliament seat, and Prison Bestie died from blue balls (...um, and a brain tumor). Will Gross Goblin cut his lip on a toenail? Will Ross start rocking one of those fabulous wigs British politicians like to wear? Will Prison Bestie's horny poetry be posthumously published in a Fabio-esque supermarket volume?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106505\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"828\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark.jpg 498w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark-160x266.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark-240x399.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark-375x623.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 498px) 100vw, 498px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out. On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boom, we're in London! Mr. \u003cdel>Smith\u003c/del> Poldark Goes to \u003cdel>Washington\u003c/del> Westminster is in full effect! Ross has first-day-of-school jitters and is intimidated by all the different wig styles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106474 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-800x421.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"421\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-800x421.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-160x84.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-768x404.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-1020x536.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-1200x631.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-1920x1010.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-1180x621.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-960x505.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-240x126.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-375x197.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-520x273.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It doesn't take long for Ross to get over his shyness and get back to what he does best: shouting up a righteous storm. Meanwhile, back in Cornwall, Demelza reads a letter from Ross that essentially goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hey, stranger!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I can't believe it's already been six months and that I didn't even bother coming home for Christmas. What can I say? There's just less incentive to be a good husband now that whats-his-butt is dead. London is soooo cool. I'd invite you to check it out, but I don't want to.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>See you when I see you!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Ross.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Needless to say, she is not amused.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/crumple-up-paper-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"241\" height=\"135\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, a girl called Rosina (which also happens to be Ross' drag name) says hello to Drake in a lets-go-to-your-secret-cave-and-make-a-baby kind of way. Demelza gives Drake a look that says: \u003cem>Bro, you've been shot, clubbed in the back, almost hanged, and lost your first true love to a toe-gobbler. Maybe it's time for you to get some.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-poldark-raise-eyebrows-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Ross is at a super cool rave featuring pyrotechnics, colored wigs, random elephant statues, and other hedonistic stuff there are probably commandments against. Marie Antoinette's ghost flies overhead and howls, \u003cem>Y'all get to boogie down like this, and I'm the one without a head?!?\u003c/em> Agatha's ghost also soars overhead and howls, \u003cem>Where's my port?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Quick question: Is this guy trying to pick up Ross?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106486\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/ross-poldark-cruising-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since y'all can't answer me right now, I'm gonna go with a resounding YES.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The woman who checked out Ross' butt at the hanging in the season premiere started a trend!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106089\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Poldark-butt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs into Geoffrey Charles, who has gone through quite the accelerated puberty since we last saw him. Ross lies to him about how dignified his dad, Francis, was. Are we thinking of the same person? The Francis who skipped the war, stole his first cousin's girlfriend, was generally bad at everything and got murdered by a puddle? That Francis?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sure-ross-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy tries to decide which evil thing he'll get up to this week. Drowning puppies and tripping toddlers will have to wait; a fellow Disney villain whom we'll call Sir Scam-a-Lot encourages Malfoy to worm his way back into the House of Commons by buying a town and by extension its representative. You know how the old saying goes: If you can't beat Ross in an election, join him in Westminster through evil anti-democratic means!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Verity, the Queen of Season 1, is back! But it's hard to pay attention to her while a very pregnant Blondie, surrounded by other people's loud children, says, \"I must be in hell.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106478\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/laugh-spit-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I don't know about you, but I'd love to party with Blondie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106477\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/we-hate-kids-nicole-richie-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Verity won't stop bringing up touchy subjects.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Where did this weird ass flower come from?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What Demelza says:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's a magnolia...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What Demelza doesn't say:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>...given to me by a half-blind hottie I sexed up on a sand dune.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Elizabeth's house is super nice now, but you probably never see it cause she tried to wreck your home.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What Demelza says:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, how's Lisbon?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What Demelza doesn't say:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Someday, I am going to uppercut Elizabeth Mortal Kombat-style, then set her house on fire and light my cigarette on the flames.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/stella-got-her-grooce-back-fire-car-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"387\" height=\"217\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/elmo-burn-it-down-fire-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"440\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After receiving news that the family mine might have to close down, Ross finally decides to pause his super busy rave-attending schedule to make the journey home. He's bored the entire way because the in-carriage entertainment options leave something to be desired.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross rides up to the house, Demelza gives him her cheek (not a great sign). Ross proceeds to make everything worse by nonchalantly asking, \u003cem>What have you been up to?\u003c/em> Demelza calmly provides a list through gritted teeth, \u003cem>Oh, I don't know, keeping the children alive, tending to the farm, making sure there's enough to eat, trying to keep the mine from going bankrupt, nothing major!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In one of those apartments that looks fine on Craiglist until you visit it in person and realize it's a crack den, Jennifer Lawrence is upset about her lack of finances. That's when she notices her big toe peeking out of her pantyhose, which makes her think of Gross Goblin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106489\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/toe-jam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This storyline = dead horse. Status: Beaten. Must we do this again?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess so 'cause she invites Gross Goblin over and asks for money in exchange for her toe jam services.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-foot-fetish-vicar-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We get it! He likes munching on feet! Next!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mere moments after giving birth, Blondie asks Doc, \"Is she as ugly as we feared?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/julia-roberts-cracking-up-laughing-oscars-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"309\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Please never change, Blondie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Poldark, Ross admits that he stayed away all these months because he figured Demelza was still swooning over Prison Bestie's ghost.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I think you no longer know me, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps we no longer know each other.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this rate, the next episode will look like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sweet-home-alabama-reese-divorce-gi.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross heads to the beach to give viewers another look at his hairy chest. But before he can rip his shirt off, he notices another character has already beaten him to the gratuitous, wet, half-naked punch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/what-ross-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">It's Doc!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106488 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/ross-doc-chest-shirtless-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The message between the lines of Ross' face: \u003cem>I'ma let you finish, but the shirtless wet hunk vibe is sort of my thing.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that afternoon, Ross heads to the mine and goes in for a hug from his old pauper pals. He gets brutally rebuffed. They think he's an out-of-touch outsider now. They're solidly #TeamDemelza. And who can blame 'em?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Demelza, she's still trying to hook Rosina up with Drake by forcing him to walk her home. Thankfully, Sam offers to come along. Finally, his hatred of premarital kissing proves useful!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106483 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/stop-trying-to-make-rosina-happen-gif-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"198\" height=\"211\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Do you know what time it is?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>HORACE THE PUG O'CLOCK!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106492\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Blondie's house, Horace is watching over Sarah, either protecting her or plotting to smother her so he can be an only child again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106491\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-baby-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc seems to think it's the latter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"I do believe Horace is feeling neglected.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"Nonsense. He knows I adore him above all things.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I agree with everything Blondie says so intensely, I'm starting to wonder if I'm her reincarnated form.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before I can investigate that theory any further, Doc picks up Sarah and has a very worried look on his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"You seem very attached to that child. I hope she doesn't grow up to be a spoiled brat.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, according to the ominous music playing in the background, no need to worry about that 'cause Sarah might not get to grow up at all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106493\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/kermit-anxious-worried-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In much less important news, Ross is feeling left out from a fishing trip all his old buddies are going on. Demelza tells him to grow up. Maybe in London, adults wait for embossed invitations to hang out with their friends, but in Cornwall, you just show up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he does, instead of finding a snoozy fishing trip, Ross discovers it's actually an all-out brawl! Drake runs and tells Ross why people are getting their teeth knocked out. His accent is so thick I don't know the reason for sure, but it seems like Bone Maraca Pirate (remember, he keeps the bones of his dearly departed hand in a pouch) slept with a widow whose husband is very much alive. Oops!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ultimately, the reason doesn't matter 'cause Ross never met a throwdown he didn't like. Ross might be a fancy politician now, but he still enjoys kicking butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Literally.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106495\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/kick-butt-ross-poldark-fight-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the dust settles, Bone Maraca Pirate seems like he's dead (not another one!), but it turns out he just probably has some minor brain damage. Cool!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just like earlier seasons of this show, Ross and his bros head to the pub to get tanked, and Ross eventually stumbles on over to Elizabeth's house because my blood pressure isn't high enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106496\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/what-is-wrong-with-you-practical-magic-gif-nicole-kidman.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's too bad Demelza no longer has a living love affair partner to be inappropriate with!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106497\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/not-fair-scream-queens-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Malfoy hosts a fancy party, Elizabeth just so happens to be outside admiring a flower when Ross walks up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106498\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fuming-mad-hades-hercules-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They chat about their secret love child and whether her husband still suspects that he's not the father. You know, a normal conversation we all have had with our exes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy's new friend, Sir Scam-a-Lot, pops up out of nowhere and says he thought Ross was a \"threadbare troubadour.\" Kick him in the butt, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For once, there was an Elizabeth scene in which she didn't get on my last nerve. She wasn't flirty or spiteful, and actually had an OK sense of humor. But I bet she does something gross in 5, 4, 3...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/countdown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth goes back inside and immediately gets gross by being way too enthused about Malfoy's new evil plan to spread more injustice. Woomp, there it is!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106503\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/oprah-shrug-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere at the party, Doc stares into a fireplace, thinking of his maybe dying baby. Blondie asks him, \"What can you be thinking? How to make your escape and return to our odious offspring?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/cringe-hard-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"380\" height=\"285\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eeeek! That was almost as bad as when he just got back with major PTSD from being a prisoner of war and she snuck up on him for no reason and screamed \"BOO!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Ross finally makes it to his own house and—*record scratch*—actually tells Demelza the truth about going to see Elizabeth. Honesty?? I could get used to this!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As with the last two episodes, the end of the show means it's time for Ross and Demelza to have a heart-to-heart next to a fireplace. This time, Ross gives a little speech:\u003cem> All I've given you is grief and distrust and heartbreak, so here are some earrings cause I took an online quiz and it told me your love language was receiving gifts!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Good job, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Are we strangers still?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, but strangers who know every inch of each other's skin. So perhaps we should begin again from there.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106500\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/living-single-fans-self-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"356\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">Then Ross grabs Demelza...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">...and they have sex on the kitchen table because why the hell not!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106501\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/old-lady-looks-computer-glasses-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Rosina. \u003c/strong>I'm sure she's a nice girl and all, but I am still holding out hope for Morwenna. Move along, please!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Athlete's Foot. \u003c/strong>I'm counting on this fungus to infect Jennifer Lawrence and Gross Goblin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Ross and Demelza's Kids. \u003c/strong>Here's something shiny to distract them from the sounds of their parents making another sibling on the table in the next room.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Horace. \u003c/strong>Good job not killing the baby! Like his mom said, I adore him above all things.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Blondie\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>She doesn't always time her jokes correctly, but I love this patron saint of not giving an F just as much as I love Horace, and we all know by now that's no small feat.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This week, a pug contemplates smothering a baby to death. Other stuff happens too.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Gross Goblin continued to gobble up lady toes, Ross finally decided to snatch Malfoy's Parliament seat, and Prison Bestie died from blue balls (...um, and a brain tumor). Will Gross Goblin cut his lip on a toenail? Will Ross start rocking one of those fabulous wigs British politicians like to wear? Will Prison Bestie's horny poetry be posthumously published in a Fabio-esque supermarket volume?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106505\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"828\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark.jpg 498w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark-160x266.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark-240x399.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fabio-poldark-375x623.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 498px) 100vw, 498px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out. On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boom, we're in London! Mr. \u003cdel>Smith\u003c/del> Poldark Goes to \u003cdel>Washington\u003c/del> Westminster is in full effect! Ross has first-day-of-school jitters and is intimidated by all the different wig styles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106474 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-800x421.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"421\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-800x421.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-160x84.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-768x404.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-1020x536.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-1200x631.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-1920x1010.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-1180x621.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-960x505.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-240x126.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-375x197.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wig-styles-poldark-520x273.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It doesn't take long for Ross to get over his shyness and get back to what he does best: shouting up a righteous storm. Meanwhile, back in Cornwall, Demelza reads a letter from Ross that essentially goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hey, stranger!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I can't believe it's already been six months and that I didn't even bother coming home for Christmas. What can I say? There's just less incentive to be a good husband now that whats-his-butt is dead. London is soooo cool. I'd invite you to check it out, but I don't want to.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>See you when I see you!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Ross.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Needless to say, she is not amused.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/crumple-up-paper-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"241\" height=\"135\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, a girl called Rosina (which also happens to be Ross' drag name) says hello to Drake in a lets-go-to-your-secret-cave-and-make-a-baby kind of way. Demelza gives Drake a look that says: \u003cem>Bro, you've been shot, clubbed in the back, almost hanged, and lost your first true love to a toe-gobbler. Maybe it's time for you to get some.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/demelza-poldark-raise-eyebrows-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Ross is at a super cool rave featuring pyrotechnics, colored wigs, random elephant statues, and other hedonistic stuff there are probably commandments against. Marie Antoinette's ghost flies overhead and howls, \u003cem>Y'all get to boogie down like this, and I'm the one without a head?!?\u003c/em> Agatha's ghost also soars overhead and howls, \u003cem>Where's my port?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Quick question: Is this guy trying to pick up Ross?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106486\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/ross-poldark-cruising-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since y'all can't answer me right now, I'm gonna go with a resounding YES.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The woman who checked out Ross' butt at the hanging in the season premiere started a trend!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106089\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Poldark-butt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs into Geoffrey Charles, who has gone through quite the accelerated puberty since we last saw him. Ross lies to him about how dignified his dad, Francis, was. Are we thinking of the same person? The Francis who skipped the war, stole his first cousin's girlfriend, was generally bad at everything and got murdered by a puddle? That Francis?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sure-ross-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy tries to decide which evil thing he'll get up to this week. Drowning puppies and tripping toddlers will have to wait; a fellow Disney villain whom we'll call Sir Scam-a-Lot encourages Malfoy to worm his way back into the House of Commons by buying a town and by extension its representative. You know how the old saying goes: If you can't beat Ross in an election, join him in Westminster through evil anti-democratic means!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Verity, the Queen of Season 1, is back! But it's hard to pay attention to her while a very pregnant Blondie, surrounded by other people's loud children, says, \"I must be in hell.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106478\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/laugh-spit-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I don't know about you, but I'd love to party with Blondie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106477\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/we-hate-kids-nicole-richie-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Verity won't stop bringing up touchy subjects.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Where did this weird ass flower come from?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What Demelza says:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's a magnolia...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What Demelza doesn't say:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>...given to me by a half-blind hottie I sexed up on a sand dune.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Elizabeth's house is super nice now, but you probably never see it cause she tried to wreck your home.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What Demelza says:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, how's Lisbon?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What Demelza doesn't say:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Someday, I am going to uppercut Elizabeth Mortal Kombat-style, then set her house on fire and light my cigarette on the flames.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/stella-got-her-grooce-back-fire-car-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"387\" height=\"217\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/elmo-burn-it-down-fire-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"440\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After receiving news that the family mine might have to close down, Ross finally decides to pause his super busy rave-attending schedule to make the journey home. He's bored the entire way because the in-carriage entertainment options leave something to be desired.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross rides up to the house, Demelza gives him her cheek (not a great sign). Ross proceeds to make everything worse by nonchalantly asking, \u003cem>What have you been up to?\u003c/em> Demelza calmly provides a list through gritted teeth, \u003cem>Oh, I don't know, keeping the children alive, tending to the farm, making sure there's enough to eat, trying to keep the mine from going bankrupt, nothing major!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In one of those apartments that looks fine on Craiglist until you visit it in person and realize it's a crack den, Jennifer Lawrence is upset about her lack of finances. That's when she notices her big toe peeking out of her pantyhose, which makes her think of Gross Goblin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106489\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/toe-jam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This storyline = dead horse. Status: Beaten. Must we do this again?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess so 'cause she invites Gross Goblin over and asks for money in exchange for her toe jam services.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-foot-fetish-vicar-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We get it! He likes munching on feet! Next!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mere moments after giving birth, Blondie asks Doc, \"Is she as ugly as we feared?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/julia-roberts-cracking-up-laughing-oscars-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"309\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Please never change, Blondie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Poldark, Ross admits that he stayed away all these months because he figured Demelza was still swooning over Prison Bestie's ghost.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I think you no longer know me, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps we no longer know each other.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this rate, the next episode will look like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sweet-home-alabama-reese-divorce-gi.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross heads to the beach to give viewers another look at his hairy chest. But before he can rip his shirt off, he notices another character has already beaten him to the gratuitous, wet, half-naked punch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/what-ross-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">It's Doc!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106488 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/ross-doc-chest-shirtless-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The message between the lines of Ross' face: \u003cem>I'ma let you finish, but the shirtless wet hunk vibe is sort of my thing.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that afternoon, Ross heads to the mine and goes in for a hug from his old pauper pals. He gets brutally rebuffed. They think he's an out-of-touch outsider now. They're solidly #TeamDemelza. And who can blame 'em?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Demelza, she's still trying to hook Rosina up with Drake by forcing him to walk her home. Thankfully, Sam offers to come along. Finally, his hatred of premarital kissing proves useful!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106483 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/stop-trying-to-make-rosina-happen-gif-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"198\" height=\"211\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Do you know what time it is?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>HORACE THE PUG O'CLOCK!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106492\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Blondie's house, Horace is watching over Sarah, either protecting her or plotting to smother her so he can be an only child again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106491\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-baby-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc seems to think it's the latter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"I do believe Horace is feeling neglected.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"Nonsense. He knows I adore him above all things.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I agree with everything Blondie says so intensely, I'm starting to wonder if I'm her reincarnated form.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before I can investigate that theory any further, Doc picks up Sarah and has a very worried look on his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"You seem very attached to that child. I hope she doesn't grow up to be a spoiled brat.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, according to the ominous music playing in the background, no need to worry about that 'cause Sarah might not get to grow up at all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106493\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/kermit-anxious-worried-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In much less important news, Ross is feeling left out from a fishing trip all his old buddies are going on. Demelza tells him to grow up. Maybe in London, adults wait for embossed invitations to hang out with their friends, but in Cornwall, you just show up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he does, instead of finding a snoozy fishing trip, Ross discovers it's actually an all-out brawl! Drake runs and tells Ross why people are getting their teeth knocked out. His accent is so thick I don't know the reason for sure, but it seems like Bone Maraca Pirate (remember, he keeps the bones of his dearly departed hand in a pouch) slept with a widow whose husband is very much alive. Oops!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ultimately, the reason doesn't matter 'cause Ross never met a throwdown he didn't like. Ross might be a fancy politician now, but he still enjoys kicking butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Literally.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106495\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/kick-butt-ross-poldark-fight-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the dust settles, Bone Maraca Pirate seems like he's dead (not another one!), but it turns out he just probably has some minor brain damage. Cool!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just like earlier seasons of this show, Ross and his bros head to the pub to get tanked, and Ross eventually stumbles on over to Elizabeth's house because my blood pressure isn't high enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106496\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/what-is-wrong-with-you-practical-magic-gif-nicole-kidman.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's too bad Demelza no longer has a living love affair partner to be inappropriate with!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106497\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/not-fair-scream-queens-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Malfoy hosts a fancy party, Elizabeth just so happens to be outside admiring a flower when Ross walks up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106498\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/fuming-mad-hades-hercules-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They chat about their secret love child and whether her husband still suspects that he's not the father. You know, a normal conversation we all have had with our exes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy's new friend, Sir Scam-a-Lot, pops up out of nowhere and says he thought Ross was a \"threadbare troubadour.\" Kick him in the butt, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For once, there was an Elizabeth scene in which she didn't get on my last nerve. She wasn't flirty or spiteful, and actually had an OK sense of humor. But I bet she does something gross in 5, 4, 3...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/countdown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth goes back inside and immediately gets gross by being way too enthused about Malfoy's new evil plan to spread more injustice. Woomp, there it is!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106503\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/oprah-shrug-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere at the party, Doc stares into a fireplace, thinking of his maybe dying baby. Blondie asks him, \"What can you be thinking? How to make your escape and return to our odious offspring?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/cringe-hard-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"380\" height=\"285\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eeeek! That was almost as bad as when he just got back with major PTSD from being a prisoner of war and she snuck up on him for no reason and screamed \"BOO!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Ross finally makes it to his own house and—*record scratch*—actually tells Demelza the truth about going to see Elizabeth. Honesty?? I could get used to this!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As with the last two episodes, the end of the show means it's time for Ross and Demelza to have a heart-to-heart next to a fireplace. This time, Ross gives a little speech:\u003cem> All I've given you is grief and distrust and heartbreak, so here are some earrings cause I took an online quiz and it told me your love language was receiving gifts!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Good job, Ross!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Are we strangers still?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, but strangers who know every inch of each other's skin. So perhaps we should begin again from there.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106500\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/living-single-fans-self-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"356\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">Then Ross grabs Demelza...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">...and they have sex on the kitchen table because why the hell not!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106501\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/old-lady-looks-computer-glasses-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Rosina. \u003c/strong>I'm sure she's a nice girl and all, but I am still holding out hope for Morwenna. Move along, please!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Athlete's Foot. \u003c/strong>I'm counting on this fungus to infect Jennifer Lawrence and Gross Goblin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Ross and Demelza's Kids. \u003c/strong>Here's something shiny to distract them from the sounds of their parents making another sibling on the table in the next room.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Horace. \u003c/strong>Good job not killing the baby! Like his mom said, I adore him above all things.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Blondie\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>She doesn't always time her jokes correctly, but I love this patron saint of not giving an F just as much as I love Horace, and we all know by now that's no small feat.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run",
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"content": "\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, a half-naked Ross emerged from the waves to work on repairing his marriage, a lot of horny love poems made their way to Demelza, and a new character named Jago was unjustly hanged because he was craving some bread. Will Ross and \u003cdel>Rachel\u003c/del> Demelza have an argument over whether they were on a break? Will Prison Bestie realize his true calling: writing those sexy, sappy, supermarket romance novels with Fabio on the cover? Will Jago's ghost team up with Agatha's spirit to haunt Malfoy for eternity? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This episode begins just like the last: with a shot of crashing waves. Only this time, there's 100% less of Ross' hairy chest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106326\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/angry-birds-disappointed-sad-happy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106327\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/where-is-it-the-west-wing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"335\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things are even bleaker over at Prison Bestie's house. His I'm-going-blind headaches are getting worse. Doc offers a couple of prescriptions: Go easy on the opium and try writing horny poetry during the day, instead of by the dimmest of candlelight. Prison Bestie doesn't like any of this advice because drugs can be fun and nighttime is the best time to think of saucy rhymes. He sends for the doctor who routinely tortures people for a second opinion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie has an announcement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's pregnant!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And very unhappy about it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I don't want the brat,\" she says. \"Really. I cannot bear babies. Wrinkled, greedy, red-faced little tyrants.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In summary:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"204\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the most random of B-plots, Demelza's Bible-thumping brother, Sam, agrees to wrestle Malfoy's evil sidekick, Slytherin Crony. The prize: converting the girl who desperately needed some dry shampoo last season to Christianity. I told you it was random.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106329\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/i-dont-know-why-youre-doing-this-michelle-rodriguez-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"339\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, in an effort to take her mind off of the \"wrinkled, greedy, red-faced little tyrant\" growing inside her, Blondie dreams up an elaborate scheme to help Prison Bestie win the election against Malfoy. It would be a win-win; everyone would get to see Malfoy ugly cry when he loses and Prison Bestie would move to London and stop reminding Demelza that her kink is sleeping with partially blind hotties on sand dunes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Mr. Sand Dune Seducer, he's getting that second opinion he wanted, and it's not pretty.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dr. Choke's idea of a health care plan:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>12:00 pm: Blistering.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>12:30 pm: Purging.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>01:00 pm: Vomiting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>02:00 pm: Poulticing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>02:30 pm: Bleeding.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/jim-carrey-dumb-and-dumber-puke-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"452\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If none of this works (spoiler: it absolutely won't), there's always Plan B: Shaving Prison Bestie's pretty little head and then drilling a hole into it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106331\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/jim-carrey-liar-liar-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Blondie is hard at work, implementing her election meddling plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Step 1: Invite the donor behind Malfoy's bid and the donor behind Prison Bestie's bid over for tea.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Step 2: Distract them from their opposing political views by serving lots and lots of booze.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Step 3: Once they're properly tanked, bring up how much Malfoy sucks and allow mutual hatred to bring them together.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/i-hate-malfoy-too.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"207\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the local pub, Ross and Malfoy are also getting tanked (separately). Remember that time in Season 2 when they got into a huge fight at this same pub and Malfoy tried to gouge Ross' eyes out? Or that time Ross almost put Malfoy's entire head into a burning fireplace? Ding, ding! Let's hear it for Round 3!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106335\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/cat-fight-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"624\" height=\"457\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh, false alarm! You can put your popcorn away. Nothing happens, other than some light smack talk. Malfoy heckles Ross about how Jago deserved to die and maybe Ross could have prevented the hanging if he ever ran for office instead of just whining from the sidelines. Wait, what's this strange feeling? Am I halfway agreeing with Malfoy on something?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106336\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/cat-surprised-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"330\" height=\"312\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of murdering Malfoy and then drinking wine out of his skull (can you tell I watched all of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> this year?), Ross settles for a less gory approach to getting even: placing bets on the wrestling match and donating the proceeds to a local hospital!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106354\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wow-this-is-boring-the-comeback-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is really invested in beating Malfoy, so he trains Sam to become the WWE Champion. Because the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers won't give us any queer characters, some of us are left to purposefully take this scene out of context.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106338\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-ross-wrestling-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, it's time to rumble for real. Wrestlemania 1790 is on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106340\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-1020x932.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"585\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-1020x932.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-160x146.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-800x731.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-768x702.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-960x878.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-240x219.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-375x343.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-520x475.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam wins the first match (he also wins Best Dressed, thanks to those breathtaking fluorescent neon tassels). But the good guys don't get to celebrate for long. Slytherin Crony tries to gouge Sam's eyes out! Several times! Then he gouges Sam's heart out by looking at Dry Shampoo Girl and saying, \"You're welcome to her soul. I've already had her body.\" Sam can't even handle the idea of innocent kissing, let alone something of this caliber, so it's a TKO.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who's down and out is Prison Bestie. Turns out having leeches all over your body doesn't cure brain fever or a broken heart. Doc says he needs to want to get better. Prison Bestie responds by humming \"How Do I Live Without You\" by LeAnn Rimes, while thinking of Demelza. Okay, that's a great song, and Demelza is a great girl, but these dramatics are a little over the top, don't you think?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snap-out-of-it-cher-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Drake runs into his ex, Morwenna, and because it's the 18th-century, they proceed to have very awkward small talk about a hanging:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, I saw you at your execution. Sorry I didn't say hi.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Drake:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, that's okay. I was kind of busy waiting to be put to death and all. Anyway, is your husband still terrorizing your feet?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before she can answer, Gross Goblin screams \"WIFE!\" and then rants about how the locals are barbarians. This would be a great time for a giant anvil to randomly fall out of the sky and onto his head.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross and Demelza drop in to check on Prison Bestie, who immediately asks if he can be alone with Demelza. He gets his wish (because #OpenRelationship) and immediately hands her another horny love poem (you gotta hand it to the guy; even on death's door, he finds the time). Meanwhile, in the hallway, his uncle convinces Ross to run in the election.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*puts tin-foil hat on*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Conspiracy Theory Time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What if Prison Bestie is pretending to be ill so that he doesn't have to move to London to be a politician, knowing that Ross will take his place, thus leaving Demelza for months at a time and paving the way for more sand dune sex?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106344\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/tin-foil-hat-colbert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"252\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*removes tin-foil hat*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Demelza finally gets some alone time to read Prison Bestie's latest poem. It's basically the lyrics to \"My Heart Will Go On.\" Demelza doesn't even get to the \"Near, far, wherever you are\" part before Ross bursts in. She immediately crumbles the paper up and sits on it (because that's not suspicious at all) and then runs out of the room. Um, Demelza, this is not how you sneak around. Did you learn nothing from watching Ross sneak around for years??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross reads the poem...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and is actually pretty chill about it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106345\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/you-know-what-that-is-growth-insecure-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know who has failed to grow or develop as a human being over the past three seasons? Elizabeth! After discovering that Ross is running in the election, she offers to help blackmail and threaten rich white people to vote in Malfoy's favor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Be right back; I have to have a little chat with Elizabeth:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>YOU were the one who got engaged to Ross' cousin when Ross took too long to survive the war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>YOU were the one who killed Julia, Ross and Demelza's kid, with your germs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>YOU were the one who thanked Demelza for nursing you and your child back to health by sleeping with her man and then pressuring him to dump her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some people in this narrative should be angry, and none of them are YOU.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So get over yourself!! Goodbye!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97232\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-get-nothing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106347\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"284\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106346 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106348 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/veruca-salt-calming-down-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sorry y'all had to hear all of that. I just don't get her gripe with Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>ANYWAY...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Election Day has come! 17 rich white dudes get to decide whether Ross or Malfoy will reign supreme because that seems like a fair process. A bunch of them vote for Malfoy, until the dude Blondie plied with booze switches his vote to Ross. The remaining voters look at each other and think, \u003cem>Oh, we don't have to be evil anymore and all it took to realize that is one person doing the right thing? Sounds legit!\u003c/em> By a vote of nine to eight, Ross squeaks out a victory!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy and Elizabeth are SHOCKED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106349\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/u-mad-oprah-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"390\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy rants about how prejudice and privilege are the reason he lost.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106350\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/thats-funny-tell-another-one-rupaul-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, Ross' victory lap gets interrupted by the news that Prison Bestie DIED! WTF! I thought he was just pretending! Or needed Lasik surgery! Noooo! Things are going to be so boring now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106355\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/the-room-throw-tv-out-window-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So if Demelza's love affair partner dies, it's only fair that Ross' also dies, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106356\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/off-with-her-head-alice-wonderland-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"294\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like me, Ross confesses that he thought Prison Bestie was exaggerating to get Demelza's attention. Doc says not to feel too bad because now Prison Bestie will be immortal and Ross will always look pale in comparison. Good luck with that!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back to the random B-plot we all forgot was still going on: Dry Shampoo Girl lets Sam know that, despite what was said in the wrestling ring, she is still a virgin. Praise baby Jesus! But she doesn't want to be saved. Taking back that baby Jesus praise! She announces that she's about to move away forever, and then kisses him. Why did she go and do that?! You know how many Haily Marys he's gonna have to say now to repent for that? He hates kissing! Demelza and her brothers sure are cursed in the love department.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of sex, like I said last week, PBS seems to edit out any sexy scenes, but for some reason, they left in this shot of Gross Goblin gobbling up a sex worker's foot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106341\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/foot-fetish-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106352\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/miss-jay-disgusted-reaction-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other Ewwwww news, Elizabeth is still very much alive and wants to make another baby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"204\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because I'm not rolling my eyes enough already, Morwenna's no-good sister Jennifer Lawrence crawls back from under her rock to tell Gross Goblin she was never pregnant last season and just said so to blackmail him. That's fine. He deserves it, but why do evil scammer things and not help your sister at all? Whatever, loser. You're dead to me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35963\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for Ross and Demelza's weekly sit by the fire, where they hash out really intense emotional issues that could destroy their marriage at any moment. Ross wants to know the whole truth of her love affair with Prison Bestie. Demelza confesses that he did touch her heart (...and a few other things), and that she did love him, but in a different iambic pentameter way. She explains that she's not only sobbing for Prison Bestie, but also for Julia (thanks, Elizabeth!) and also for the broken unjust world in general. Ross can't bring back her dead lover or her dead daughter, but maybe he can bring back democracy! Coming soon to a television screen near you: Mr. \u003cdel>Smith\u003c/del> Poldark Goes to \u003cdel>Washington\u003c/del> Westminster.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Jennifer Lawrence. \u003c/strong>I thought she was plotting some huge revenge plot against Gross Goblin the entirety of last season and it was all so she could get a bit of pocket change? Still pissed about it.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Sam. \u003c/strong>He almost got his eyes gouged out, failed to save Dry Shampoo Girl's soul and went to first base before marriage. A pretty rough week, all in all, so he deserves some kind of award.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Blondie.\u003c/strong> I can pretend that this award is for influencing the election in a positive way or being a much-needed support for Demelza, but let's be real, it's for that iconic anti-baby speech. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Demelza. \u003c/strong>Sorry about... well, everything. #ItGetsBetter. *looks around 2018* Actually, it doesn't, so here's a silver medal.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Prison Bestie\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>You came (*knowing look*), you saw (kind of), you conquered (the Cornwall poetry scene). We will never forget your unmatched horniness. Say hi to Agatha and Jago for us, please!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Eye-gouging! Wrestling! Voting! Dying! This episode has it all!",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, a half-naked Ross emerged from the waves to work on repairing his marriage, a lot of horny love poems made their way to Demelza, and a new character named Jago was unjustly hanged because he was craving some bread. Will Ross and \u003cdel>Rachel\u003c/del> Demelza have an argument over whether they were on a break? Will Prison Bestie realize his true calling: writing those sexy, sappy, supermarket romance novels with Fabio on the cover? Will Jago's ghost team up with Agatha's spirit to haunt Malfoy for eternity? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This episode begins just like the last: with a shot of crashing waves. Only this time, there's 100% less of Ross' hairy chest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106326\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/angry-birds-disappointed-sad-happy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106327\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/where-is-it-the-west-wing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"335\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things are even bleaker over at Prison Bestie's house. His I'm-going-blind headaches are getting worse. Doc offers a couple of prescriptions: Go easy on the opium and try writing horny poetry during the day, instead of by the dimmest of candlelight. Prison Bestie doesn't like any of this advice because drugs can be fun and nighttime is the best time to think of saucy rhymes. He sends for the doctor who routinely tortures people for a second opinion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie has an announcement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's pregnant!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And very unhappy about it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I don't want the brat,\" she says. \"Really. I cannot bear babies. Wrinkled, greedy, red-faced little tyrants.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In summary:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"204\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the most random of B-plots, Demelza's Bible-thumping brother, Sam, agrees to wrestle Malfoy's evil sidekick, Slytherin Crony. The prize: converting the girl who desperately needed some dry shampoo last season to Christianity. I told you it was random.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106329\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/i-dont-know-why-youre-doing-this-michelle-rodriguez-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"339\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, in an effort to take her mind off of the \"wrinkled, greedy, red-faced little tyrant\" growing inside her, Blondie dreams up an elaborate scheme to help Prison Bestie win the election against Malfoy. It would be a win-win; everyone would get to see Malfoy ugly cry when he loses and Prison Bestie would move to London and stop reminding Demelza that her kink is sleeping with partially blind hotties on sand dunes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Mr. Sand Dune Seducer, he's getting that second opinion he wanted, and it's not pretty.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dr. Choke's idea of a health care plan:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>12:00 pm: Blistering.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>12:30 pm: Purging.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>01:00 pm: Vomiting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>02:00 pm: Poulticing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>02:30 pm: Bleeding.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/jim-carrey-dumb-and-dumber-puke-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"452\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If none of this works (spoiler: it absolutely won't), there's always Plan B: Shaving Prison Bestie's pretty little head and then drilling a hole into it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106331\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/jim-carrey-liar-liar-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Blondie is hard at work, implementing her election meddling plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Step 1: Invite the donor behind Malfoy's bid and the donor behind Prison Bestie's bid over for tea.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Step 2: Distract them from their opposing political views by serving lots and lots of booze.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Step 3: Once they're properly tanked, bring up how much Malfoy sucks and allow mutual hatred to bring them together.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/i-hate-malfoy-too.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"207\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the local pub, Ross and Malfoy are also getting tanked (separately). Remember that time in Season 2 when they got into a huge fight at this same pub and Malfoy tried to gouge Ross' eyes out? Or that time Ross almost put Malfoy's entire head into a burning fireplace? Ding, ding! Let's hear it for Round 3!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106335\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/cat-fight-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"624\" height=\"457\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh, false alarm! You can put your popcorn away. Nothing happens, other than some light smack talk. Malfoy heckles Ross about how Jago deserved to die and maybe Ross could have prevented the hanging if he ever ran for office instead of just whining from the sidelines. Wait, what's this strange feeling? Am I halfway agreeing with Malfoy on something?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106336\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/cat-surprised-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"330\" height=\"312\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of murdering Malfoy and then drinking wine out of his skull (can you tell I watched all of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> this year?), Ross settles for a less gory approach to getting even: placing bets on the wrestling match and donating the proceeds to a local hospital!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106354\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wow-this-is-boring-the-comeback-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is really invested in beating Malfoy, so he trains Sam to become the WWE Champion. Because the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers won't give us any queer characters, some of us are left to purposefully take this scene out of context.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106338\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/poldark-ross-wrestling-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, it's time to rumble for real. Wrestlemania 1790 is on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-106340\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-1020x932.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"585\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-1020x932.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-160x146.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-800x731.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-768x702.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-960x878.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-240x219.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-375x343.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam-520x475.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/wrestlemania-poldark-sam.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam wins the first match (he also wins Best Dressed, thanks to those breathtaking fluorescent neon tassels). But the good guys don't get to celebrate for long. Slytherin Crony tries to gouge Sam's eyes out! Several times! Then he gouges Sam's heart out by looking at Dry Shampoo Girl and saying, \"You're welcome to her soul. I've already had her body.\" Sam can't even handle the idea of innocent kissing, let alone something of this caliber, so it's a TKO.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who's down and out is Prison Bestie. Turns out having leeches all over your body doesn't cure brain fever or a broken heart. Doc says he needs to want to get better. Prison Bestie responds by humming \"How Do I Live Without You\" by LeAnn Rimes, while thinking of Demelza. Okay, that's a great song, and Demelza is a great girl, but these dramatics are a little over the top, don't you think?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snap-out-of-it-cher-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Drake runs into his ex, Morwenna, and because it's the 18th-century, they proceed to have very awkward small talk about a hanging:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Morwenna:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, I saw you at your execution. Sorry I didn't say hi.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Drake:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, that's okay. I was kind of busy waiting to be put to death and all. Anyway, is your husband still terrorizing your feet?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before she can answer, Gross Goblin screams \"WIFE!\" and then rants about how the locals are barbarians. This would be a great time for a giant anvil to randomly fall out of the sky and onto his head.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross and Demelza drop in to check on Prison Bestie, who immediately asks if he can be alone with Demelza. He gets his wish (because #OpenRelationship) and immediately hands her another horny love poem (you gotta hand it to the guy; even on death's door, he finds the time). Meanwhile, in the hallway, his uncle convinces Ross to run in the election.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*puts tin-foil hat on*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Conspiracy Theory Time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What if Prison Bestie is pretending to be ill so that he doesn't have to move to London to be a politician, knowing that Ross will take his place, thus leaving Demelza for months at a time and paving the way for more sand dune sex?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106344\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/tin-foil-hat-colbert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"252\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*removes tin-foil hat*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Demelza finally gets some alone time to read Prison Bestie's latest poem. It's basically the lyrics to \"My Heart Will Go On.\" Demelza doesn't even get to the \"Near, far, wherever you are\" part before Ross bursts in. She immediately crumbles the paper up and sits on it (because that's not suspicious at all) and then runs out of the room. Um, Demelza, this is not how you sneak around. Did you learn nothing from watching Ross sneak around for years??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross reads the poem...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and is actually pretty chill about it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106345\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/you-know-what-that-is-growth-insecure-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know who has failed to grow or develop as a human being over the past three seasons? Elizabeth! After discovering that Ross is running in the election, she offers to help blackmail and threaten rich white people to vote in Malfoy's favor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Be right back; I have to have a little chat with Elizabeth:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>YOU were the one who got engaged to Ross' cousin when Ross took too long to survive the war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>YOU were the one who killed Julia, Ross and Demelza's kid, with your germs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>YOU were the one who thanked Demelza for nursing you and your child back to health by sleeping with her man and then pressuring him to dump her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some people in this narrative should be angry, and none of them are YOU.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So get over yourself!! Goodbye!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97232\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-get-nothing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106347\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"284\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106346 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106348 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/veruca-salt-calming-down-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sorry y'all had to hear all of that. I just don't get her gripe with Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>ANYWAY...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Election Day has come! 17 rich white dudes get to decide whether Ross or Malfoy will reign supreme because that seems like a fair process. A bunch of them vote for Malfoy, until the dude Blondie plied with booze switches his vote to Ross. The remaining voters look at each other and think, \u003cem>Oh, we don't have to be evil anymore and all it took to realize that is one person doing the right thing? Sounds legit!\u003c/em> By a vote of nine to eight, Ross squeaks out a victory!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy and Elizabeth are SHOCKED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106349\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/u-mad-oprah-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"390\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy rants about how prejudice and privilege are the reason he lost.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106350\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/thats-funny-tell-another-one-rupaul-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, Ross' victory lap gets interrupted by the news that Prison Bestie DIED! WTF! I thought he was just pretending! Or needed Lasik surgery! Noooo! Things are going to be so boring now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106355\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/the-room-throw-tv-out-window-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So if Demelza's love affair partner dies, it's only fair that Ross' also dies, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106356\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/off-with-her-head-alice-wonderland-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"294\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like me, Ross confesses that he thought Prison Bestie was exaggerating to get Demelza's attention. Doc says not to feel too bad because now Prison Bestie will be immortal and Ross will always look pale in comparison. Good luck with that!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back to the random B-plot we all forgot was still going on: Dry Shampoo Girl lets Sam know that, despite what was said in the wrestling ring, she is still a virgin. Praise baby Jesus! But she doesn't want to be saved. Taking back that baby Jesus praise! She announces that she's about to move away forever, and then kisses him. Why did she go and do that?! You know how many Haily Marys he's gonna have to say now to repent for that? He hates kissing! Demelza and her brothers sure are cursed in the love department.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of sex, like I said last week, PBS seems to edit out any sexy scenes, but for some reason, they left in this shot of Gross Goblin gobbling up a sex worker's foot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106341\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/foot-fetish-poldark-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106352\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/miss-jay-disgusted-reaction-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other Ewwwww news, Elizabeth is still very much alive and wants to make another baby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"204\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because I'm not rolling my eyes enough already, Morwenna's no-good sister Jennifer Lawrence crawls back from under her rock to tell Gross Goblin she was never pregnant last season and just said so to blackmail him. That's fine. He deserves it, but why do evil scammer things and not help your sister at all? Whatever, loser. You're dead to me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35963\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for Ross and Demelza's weekly sit by the fire, where they hash out really intense emotional issues that could destroy their marriage at any moment. Ross wants to know the whole truth of her love affair with Prison Bestie. Demelza confesses that he did touch her heart (...and a few other things), and that she did love him, but in a different iambic pentameter way. She explains that she's not only sobbing for Prison Bestie, but also for Julia (thanks, Elizabeth!) and also for the broken unjust world in general. Ross can't bring back her dead lover or her dead daughter, but maybe he can bring back democracy! Coming soon to a television screen near you: Mr. \u003cdel>Smith\u003c/del> Poldark Goes to \u003cdel>Washington\u003c/del> Westminster.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Jennifer Lawrence. \u003c/strong>I thought she was plotting some huge revenge plot against Gross Goblin the entirety of last season and it was all so she could get a bit of pocket change? Still pissed about it.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Sam. \u003c/strong>He almost got his eyes gouged out, failed to save Dry Shampoo Girl's soul and went to first base before marriage. A pretty rough week, all in all, so he deserves some kind of award.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Blondie.\u003c/strong> I can pretend that this award is for influencing the election in a positive way or being a much-needed support for Demelza, but let's be real, it's for that iconic anti-baby speech. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Demelza. \u003c/strong>Sorry about... well, everything. #ItGetsBetter. *looks around 2018* Actually, it doesn't, so here's a silver medal.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Prison Bestie\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>You came (*knowing look*), you saw (kind of), you conquered (the Cornwall poetry scene). We will never forget your unmatched horniness. Say hi to Agatha and Jago for us, please!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105789/poldark-season-4-premiere-recap-you-keep-me-hangin-on\">'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. If you’re too busy or impatient for all of that, here’s the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We're in Cornwall, England during the 18th century. It's bleak. Meet our protagonist, Ross Poldark. After watching all his friends die in the American Revolutionary War and almost dying himself, he returns to find his father dead and his girlfriend, Elizabeth, married to his first cousin. I told y'all it was bleak.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross distracts himself from burning everything to the ground by helping poor people, randomly marrying one of them (his maid, Demelza), and \u003ca href=\"https://secure.i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/03273/poldark-scythe_3273801b.jpg\">scything shirtless\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Karma eventually swoops down and takes care of Ross' girlfriend-stealing cousin; he is murdered... *wait for it* ...by a random puddle! Seriously! Ross and Elizabeth quickly shrug off the death and proceed to bump uglies. Later, Elizabeth gets grumpy over how long it's taking Ross to abandon his wife and children for her, so she marries Ross' arch enemy, Malfoy, while pregnant with Ross' secret love child. What a mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sick of being treated like a disposable AOL free-trial CD, in the Season 3 finale, Demelza decided to give Ross a dose of his own medicine by getting it on with a barely post-pubescent cutie who's slowly going blind. It was hot and kind of sad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and this show also stars a very cute pug named Horace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let’s do this…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> fans have waited 10 long months for a new episode. How have the writers decided to reward us for our patience?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A gratuitous shot of Ross swimming half-naked, that's how!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106073\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Ross-Poldark-swimming-shirtless-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Immediately followed by an even more gratuitous shot of a soaked Ross sauntering out of the surf!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106071\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Ross-Poldark-shirtless-walking-ocean.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, just in case you haven't gotten your eyeful yet, there's one final gift-wrapped shot of Ross' hot bod.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106072\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Ross-Poldark-shirtless-breathing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Touché, \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers. You have our attention.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross hears Demelza's laugh behind him and turns to find her canoodling with Prison Bestie. After three seasons of misbehavior, it would serve Ross right to have their love affair rubbed in his face a little bit, but, alas, it's just a paranoid daydream. The real Demelza, flanked by their two kids, greets him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I saw you swim away.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"No. I'm still here.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"And I.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They both smile.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know I went on and on about how much I wanted them to break up last season, but I'm still holding back an ugly sob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106068\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/burst-into-tears-new-girl-zooey-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Prison Bestie rereads some of the poems he's written for Demelza. My favorite one from last season:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Roses are red\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Violets are blue\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Please f-ck me\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What can I say? The guy has a way with words.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Prison Bestie suddenly grabs his forehead in pain. I'm pretty sure that's not how going blind works, but okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time to (begrudgingly) check in on whatever evil mess Elizabeth and Malfoy are up to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, let's not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Poldark, Mrs. \u003ca href=\"https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/peanuts/images/b/bd/Pigpen.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20160715070328\">Pigpen\u003c/a>, the maid, decides to become the 19th-century equivalent of a junk folder by keeping a newly-arrived love letter from Demelza.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now showing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106079\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"450\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New character alert! His name is Jago, which just so happens to be the portmanteau couple name I use for \u003ca href=\"http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/17800000/Jafar-Iago-jafar-17878433-1267-763.jpg\">Jafar and Iago\u003c/a> from \u003cem>Aladdin. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106081\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/jafar-iago-aladdin.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jago gets everyone riled up about merchants exporting grain to Portugal instead of feeding the hungry people at home, and leads a protest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>What do we want?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Bread and maybe even some breakfast cereal that comes with a free toy in the box! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>When do we want it? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Um, preferably before we all die of starvation!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In summary:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/kris-jenner-give-me-the-fucking-bread-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But the merchants don't feel like sharing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106083\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/abu-aladdin-bread-eating.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"297\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The starving mob is mighty hangry (we've all been there), so a big brawl erupts. A guard strikes a woman really hard. Before I can even wish for his death, the guard is wrestled to the ground, smacks his head and croaks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106085\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nicki-minaj-shrug-gif-who-cares-oh-well.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza finds Prison Bestie's mail! It's another horny poem!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Girl, you know it feels real good\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>We can do it 'til we both wake up\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>I wanna sex you up\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, those are actually lyrics from a \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO6BtpIzIiM\">Color Me Badd song\u003c/a>, but it's close enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Public Service Announcement:\u003c/strong> Did you know that PBS edits out entire scenes from the American broadcast of this show?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-58899\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For instance, the Brits got to see Gross Goblin spying on Morwenna's feet through a peephole while touching himself!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106087\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/michelle-tanner-feet-gross-scream.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, typing that out made me realize PBS is shielding us from having nightmares. Thanks for looking out, y'all! Carry on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some rich white dudes are very miffed about the grain throwdown. If there wasn't a gross power disparity between the classes, one of the starving poor people could tell them to get over it with this advice:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106088\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/why-dont-you-have-a-piece-of-bread-calm-down-rhobh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"356\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead, the rich white dudes draw up charges against all the paupers who were present at the smackdown, including Jago and Demelza's brothers, Drake and Sam. Ross offers to round them all up himself (lest we forget, one mere episode ago, he threatened to shoot all of his friends in the street, so they're used to his class traitor ways by now).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this season premiere is on steroids and generally doing the most, Jago, Drake and Sam are quickly put on trial and sentenced to death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross races home and decides:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>this is not the right time to tell Demelza her brothers are about to be hanged.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>this \u003cem>is\u003c/em> the right time to casually chat about whether polyamory is possible.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Do you think there's room in a woman's heart for two men?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Or two women in a man's?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's right, D! Don't let him turn things around on you just cause you mercy F'd a cutie with bad eyes!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross goes to the public hanging with no apparent plan. But before we get to the wildly unnecessary capital punishment, can we pause to appreciate this woman fully checking out Ross' butt?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106089\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Poldark-butt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bless her heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, back to all the injustice. Jago, Sam and Drake are marched to their nooses, and Ross decides his only option is to go full-on nuclear disgruntled Apple store customer:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiyMx7rDKAM\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unlike the woman in the clip above, Ross actually has a point, inspiring one of the judges to announce that he's had a change of heart: \u003cem>I'll be 66.6% reasonable! Drake and Sam can live! But let's still kill Jago 'cause what kind of name is Jago?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The executioner doesn't waste any time. Rest in power, Jago! We hardly knew ye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106091\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/jafar-iago-neck-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"284\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Demelza is over at Prison Bestie's house, trying to give him the It's Not You, It's Me (And Also Your Bad Poetry) talk. Not taking the hint, Prison Bestie shares an extended remix of his horny poem. Demelza doesn't know what to make of the new lines because she just learned to read and write a few years ago, so he gives her the CliffsNotes version: Have sex with me again or I will kill myself. Romantic, and not at all alarming!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106093\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/chrissy-tiegan-awkward.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"446\" height=\"252\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All right, fine, let's check in with Elizabeth. She's still drinking liquid Xanax (whatever helps you forget all the evil stuff you've done!), she's thinking about having another kid (maybe this one will actually be related to the guy she's married to this time!) and she's planning on moving away from Cornwall for good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106094\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/need-help-packing-beat-it-queen-drag-race-bianca-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that that's out of the way, let's cleanse our palates with a character we all love and adore. HORACE THE PUG!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106095 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-800x582.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"582\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-800x582.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-160x116.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-768x559.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-1020x743.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-1200x874.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-1920x1398.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-1180x859.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-960x699.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-240x175.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-375x273.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-520x379.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106096 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-800x570.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"570\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-800x570.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-160x114.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-768x547.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-1020x726.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-1200x854.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-1920x1367.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-1180x840.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-960x684.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-240x171.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-375x267.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-520x370.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106097 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-800x862.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"862\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-800x862.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-160x172.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-768x828.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-1020x1099.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-1114x1200.jpg 1114w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-1180x1272.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-960x1034.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-240x259.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-375x404.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-520x560.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace.jpg 1392w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Has Horace been working out? He looks good!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, something other than Horace's natural beauty is happening in this scene. Blondie and Doc are talking about reproducing. Horace barks wildly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I am fluent in Horace, so I'll translate: \u003cem>Kids?! I object! What am I, chopped liver?! (Mmmm, chopped liver.) But for real, I don't need some rugrats getting jam all over my gorgeous coat and tugging at my ears and stuff. Ring the alarm, I've been doing this too long, and I'll be damned if I see another child \u003c/em>\u003cem>on your arm.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Horace makes a convincing case.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106092\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"572\" height=\"572\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance.jpg 572w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 572px) 100vw, 572px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Am I doing too much?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Maybe.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will I stop?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106099\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"700\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope.jpeg 600w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope-160x187.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope-240x280.jpeg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope-375x438.jpeg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope-520x607.jpeg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that I got that out of my system, let's get back to the action. At chez Poldark, Ross and Demelza are in couples therapy, minus the therapist. After a calm and frank conversation about their respective lovers, Ross admits he has taken Demelza for granted (ya think?!) and says he now realizes she is indispensable, irreplaceable and the better part of him (again, ya think?!?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36622\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"194\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But has this epiphany arrived too late to save their marriage?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza cuddles up to Ross by the fire and says she hopes not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/crying-fan.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Malfoy and Elizabeth. \u003c/strong>SCRAM!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Horace the Pug. \u003c/strong>I can't wait to vote for him in 2020.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Random Lady at the Hanging. \u003c/strong>Innocent men are about to die and she's got man buns on the brain? I respect that.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Ross. \u003c/strong>Congrats are in order! He didn't treat his wife like crap for one whole episode! Keep it up! Or else.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Who knew bedding (or in this case, sand dune-ing) a younger man was all she needed to do to access Ross' love? She shall heretofore be known as the patron saint of having one's cake and eating it too. #Goals!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"headline": "'Poldark' Season 4 Premiere Recap: You Keep Me Hangin' On",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. If you’re too busy or impatient for all of that, here’s the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We're in Cornwall, England during the 18th century. It's bleak. Meet our protagonist, Ross Poldark. After watching all his friends die in the American Revolutionary War and almost dying himself, he returns to find his father dead and his girlfriend, Elizabeth, married to his first cousin. I told y'all it was bleak.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross distracts himself from burning everything to the ground by helping poor people, randomly marrying one of them (his maid, Demelza), and \u003ca href=\"https://secure.i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/03273/poldark-scythe_3273801b.jpg\">scything shirtless\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Karma eventually swoops down and takes care of Ross' girlfriend-stealing cousin; he is murdered... *wait for it* ...by a random puddle! Seriously! Ross and Elizabeth quickly shrug off the death and proceed to bump uglies. Later, Elizabeth gets grumpy over how long it's taking Ross to abandon his wife and children for her, so she marries Ross' arch enemy, Malfoy, while pregnant with Ross' secret love child. What a mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sick of being treated like a disposable AOL free-trial CD, in the Season 3 finale, Demelza decided to give Ross a dose of his own medicine by getting it on with a barely post-pubescent cutie who's slowly going blind. It was hot and kind of sad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and this show also stars a very cute pug named Horace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let’s do this…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> fans have waited 10 long months for a new episode. How have the writers decided to reward us for our patience?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A gratuitous shot of Ross swimming half-naked, that's how!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106073\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Ross-Poldark-swimming-shirtless-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Immediately followed by an even more gratuitous shot of a soaked Ross sauntering out of the surf!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106071\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Ross-Poldark-shirtless-walking-ocean.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, just in case you haven't gotten your eyeful yet, there's one final gift-wrapped shot of Ross' hot bod.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106072\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Ross-Poldark-shirtless-breathing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Touché, \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers. You have our attention.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross hears Demelza's laugh behind him and turns to find her canoodling with Prison Bestie. After three seasons of misbehavior, it would serve Ross right to have their love affair rubbed in his face a little bit, but, alas, it's just a paranoid daydream. The real Demelza, flanked by their two kids, greets him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I saw you swim away.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"No. I'm still here.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"And I.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They both smile.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know I went on and on about how much I wanted them to break up last season, but I'm still holding back an ugly sob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106068\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/burst-into-tears-new-girl-zooey-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Prison Bestie rereads some of the poems he's written for Demelza. My favorite one from last season:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Roses are red\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Violets are blue\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Please f-ck me\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What can I say? The guy has a way with words.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Prison Bestie suddenly grabs his forehead in pain. I'm pretty sure that's not how going blind works, but okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time to (begrudgingly) check in on whatever evil mess Elizabeth and Malfoy are up to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, let's not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Poldark, Mrs. \u003ca href=\"https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/peanuts/images/b/bd/Pigpen.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20160715070328\">Pigpen\u003c/a>, the maid, decides to become the 19th-century equivalent of a junk folder by keeping a newly-arrived love letter from Demelza.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now showing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106079\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"450\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/youve-got-mail-featured-copy-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New character alert! His name is Jago, which just so happens to be the portmanteau couple name I use for \u003ca href=\"http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/17800000/Jafar-Iago-jafar-17878433-1267-763.jpg\">Jafar and Iago\u003c/a> from \u003cem>Aladdin. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106081\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/jafar-iago-aladdin.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jago gets everyone riled up about merchants exporting grain to Portugal instead of feeding the hungry people at home, and leads a protest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>What do we want?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Bread and maybe even some breakfast cereal that comes with a free toy in the box! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>When do we want it? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Um, preferably before we all die of starvation!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In summary:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/kris-jenner-give-me-the-fucking-bread-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But the merchants don't feel like sharing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106083\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/abu-aladdin-bread-eating.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"297\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The starving mob is mighty hangry (we've all been there), so a big brawl erupts. A guard strikes a woman really hard. Before I can even wish for his death, the guard is wrestled to the ground, smacks his head and croaks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106085\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nicki-minaj-shrug-gif-who-cares-oh-well.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza finds Prison Bestie's mail! It's another horny poem!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Girl, you know it feels real good\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>We can do it 'til we both wake up\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>I wanna sex you up\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, those are actually lyrics from a \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO6BtpIzIiM\">Color Me Badd song\u003c/a>, but it's close enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Public Service Announcement:\u003c/strong> Did you know that PBS edits out entire scenes from the American broadcast of this show?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-58899\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For instance, the Brits got to see Gross Goblin spying on Morwenna's feet through a peephole while touching himself!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106087\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/michelle-tanner-feet-gross-scream.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, typing that out made me realize PBS is shielding us from having nightmares. Thanks for looking out, y'all! Carry on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some rich white dudes are very miffed about the grain throwdown. If there wasn't a gross power disparity between the classes, one of the starving poor people could tell them to get over it with this advice:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106088\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/why-dont-you-have-a-piece-of-bread-calm-down-rhobh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"356\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead, the rich white dudes draw up charges against all the paupers who were present at the smackdown, including Jago and Demelza's brothers, Drake and Sam. Ross offers to round them all up himself (lest we forget, one mere episode ago, he threatened to shoot all of his friends in the street, so they're used to his class traitor ways by now).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this season premiere is on steroids and generally doing the most, Jago, Drake and Sam are quickly put on trial and sentenced to death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross races home and decides:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>this is not the right time to tell Demelza her brothers are about to be hanged.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>this \u003cem>is\u003c/em> the right time to casually chat about whether polyamory is possible.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Do you think there's room in a woman's heart for two men?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Or two women in a man's?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's right, D! Don't let him turn things around on you just cause you mercy F'd a cutie with bad eyes!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross goes to the public hanging with no apparent plan. But before we get to the wildly unnecessary capital punishment, can we pause to appreciate this woman fully checking out Ross' butt?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106089\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/Poldark-butt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bless her heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, back to all the injustice. Jago, Sam and Drake are marched to their nooses, and Ross decides his only option is to go full-on nuclear disgruntled Apple store customer:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/jiyMx7rDKAM'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/jiyMx7rDKAM'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Unlike the woman in the clip above, Ross actually has a point, inspiring one of the judges to announce that he's had a change of heart: \u003cem>I'll be 66.6% reasonable! Drake and Sam can live! But let's still kill Jago 'cause what kind of name is Jago?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The executioner doesn't waste any time. Rest in power, Jago! We hardly knew ye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106091\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/jafar-iago-neck-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"284\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Demelza is over at Prison Bestie's house, trying to give him the It's Not You, It's Me (And Also Your Bad Poetry) talk. Not taking the hint, Prison Bestie shares an extended remix of his horny poem. Demelza doesn't know what to make of the new lines because she just learned to read and write a few years ago, so he gives her the CliffsNotes version: Have sex with me again or I will kill myself. Romantic, and not at all alarming!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106093\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/chrissy-tiegan-awkward.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"446\" height=\"252\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All right, fine, let's check in with Elizabeth. She's still drinking liquid Xanax (whatever helps you forget all the evil stuff you've done!), she's thinking about having another kid (maybe this one will actually be related to the guy she's married to this time!) and she's planning on moving away from Cornwall for good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106094\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/need-help-packing-beat-it-queen-drag-race-bianca-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that that's out of the way, let's cleanse our palates with a character we all love and adore. HORACE THE PUG!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106095 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-800x582.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"582\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-800x582.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-160x116.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-768x559.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-1020x743.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-1200x874.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-1920x1398.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-1180x859.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-960x699.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-240x175.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-375x273.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-3-520x379.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106096 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-800x570.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"570\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-800x570.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-160x114.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-768x547.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-1020x726.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-1200x854.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-1920x1367.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-1180x840.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-960x684.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-240x171.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-375x267.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-2-520x370.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106097 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-800x862.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"862\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-800x862.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-160x172.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-768x828.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-1020x1099.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-1114x1200.jpg 1114w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-1180x1272.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-960x1034.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-240x259.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-375x404.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace-520x560.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/horace.jpg 1392w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Has Horace been working out? He looks good!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, something other than Horace's natural beauty is happening in this scene. Blondie and Doc are talking about reproducing. Horace barks wildly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I am fluent in Horace, so I'll translate: \u003cem>Kids?! I object! What am I, chopped liver?! (Mmmm, chopped liver.) But for real, I don't need some rugrats getting jam all over my gorgeous coat and tugging at my ears and stuff. Ring the alarm, I've been doing this too long, and I'll be damned if I see another child \u003c/em>\u003cem>on your arm.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Horace makes a convincing case.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106092\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"572\" height=\"572\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance.jpg 572w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-520x520.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/imwithhorance-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 572px) 100vw, 572px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Am I doing too much?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Maybe.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will I stop?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106099\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"700\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope.jpeg 600w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope-160x187.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope-240x280.jpeg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope-375x438.jpeg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/nope-520x607.jpeg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that I got that out of my system, let's get back to the action. At chez Poldark, Ross and Demelza are in couples therapy, minus the therapist. After a calm and frank conversation about their respective lovers, Ross admits he has taken Demelza for granted (ya think?!) and says he now realizes she is indispensable, irreplaceable and the better part of him (again, ya think?!?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36622\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"194\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But has this epiphany arrived too late to save their marriage?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza cuddles up to Ross by the fire and says she hopes not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-106101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/crying-fan.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Malfoy and Elizabeth. \u003c/strong>SCRAM!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Horace the Pug. \u003c/strong>I can't wait to vote for him in 2020.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Random Lady at the Hanging. \u003c/strong>Innocent men are about to die and she's got man buns on the brain? I respect that.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Ross. \u003c/strong>Congrats are in order! He didn't treat his wife like crap for one whole episode! Keep it up! Or else.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Who knew bedding (or in this case, sand dune-ing) a younger man was all she needed to do to access Ross' love? She shall heretofore be known as the patron saint of having one's cake and eating it too. #Goals!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105805/poldark-season-4-episode-5-recap-no-tears-left-to-cry\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 5 Recap: No Tears Left To Cry\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105803/poldark-season-4-episode-4-recap-cry-me-a-river\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105795/poldark-season-4-episode-3-recap-homeward-bound\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/105791/poldark-season-4-episode-2-recap-ready-to-run\">'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ready to Run\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/96601/poldark-season-3-finale-recap-look-what-you-made-me-do\">'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/18/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Albert threw an episode-long tantrum to get Lehzen fired, Prime Minister Peele got sick of all of these people and quit, and, oh yeah, the writers killed off Brunette Most Definitely Gay because we needed another reminder that gays don't get to have happy endings. Will Ada Lovelace pop back up to invent a mood stabilizer for Albert? Will Prime Minister Peele dedicate the rest of his life to orchids and dying alone, like Lord M? Will Brunette Most Definitely Gay's ghost come back and take a pottery class with his woulda-coulda-shoulda boyfriend?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"506\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg 900w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 900px) 100vw, 900px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our episode begins in the Kingdom of Dahomey in West Africa, the place that inspired the bad ass group of women guards in \u003cem>Black Panther\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/True_kwu/status/964983924647657473\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside a royal hut, the following exchange takes place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Some white dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, King of Dahomey, you really shouldn't keep that child in a cage.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>How dare you?! You don't even go here! I do what I want!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Don't make my Queen angry. And also don't irritate her man-baby husband because I can't take another episode of him whining and throwing tantrums.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>He sounds like the worst. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>He is.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Okay, how about this? I'll let you take this caged kid, if you get out of my face.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Deal.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the palace, Albert is actually in a good mood! He's hopped up on Christmas, blasting Mariah Carey's \"All I Want for Christmas Is You,\" watching \u003cem>The Family Stone\u003c/em> over and over (minus the sad ending), and plotting the amount of trees he'll bring into the residence. I'm sure he really loves the fact that Jesus was born, but I bet he loves the fact that Lehzen is no longer around even more.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Hampshire, the caged child from Dahomey is now in a pretty dress, learning to play piano. The white dude turns out to be a captain, and he intends to give the child to Victoria as a gift. \u003cem>Surprise! I got you a human being!\u003c/em> Yeah, that just doesn't feel right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of children, Victoria's corset doesn't fit again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-do-this-to-me-luanna.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-do-this-to-me-luanna.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">You know what that means!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-say-it-dont-think-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102115\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-say-it-dont-think-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"359\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">She's pregnant for the 9,724th time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/again-really-no-stop.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102118\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/again-really-no-stop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria confides in Babyface Maid: \"This is my first pregnancy since...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>9 months ago?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, turns out she meant \"...since Lehzen left.\" But both are correct.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert interrupts to say that there's a surprise for Victoria in the music room. Is it a lifetime supply of contraceptives? Please be a ton of condoms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/condoms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102119\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/condoms.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"362\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, the surprise ends up being quite the opposite: Uncle/Daddy Leopold and Victoria's mom, who are delighted at how quickly Victoria is churning out children. They almost burst into a cheerleading routine, in which they spell out K-E-E-P H-A-V-I-N-G U-N-P-R-O-T-E-C-T-E-D S-E-X!, but they save it for another time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/congrats-on-the-sex.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/congrats-on-the-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of sex, Ernst -- who puts the ho in \"Ho ho ho!\" -- is also in attendance and feeling awkward for a few reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Widow Bestie, whom Ernst just stood up with no explanation, is there.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Uncle/Daddy Leopold is trying to marry Ernst off to a princess, who is also his cousin, because there's no such thing as too much incest in this royal family.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Ernst can't have sex with either of them because of the syphilis he picked up in France.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>It's tough being Ernst right now, but it might be harder to be on the receiving end of a child's insult.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria's mom:\u003c/strong> \"Do you remember me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lil' Vicki:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, you were the lady who always makes mama cross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/burn-thats-a-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102120\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/burn-thats-a-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"700\" height=\"394\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are playing tonsil hockey and enjoying being straight. Meanwhile, Blond Most Definitely Gay is shirtless in his room, as he puts on a black arm band under his clothes because no one can know that his heart is broken. Hold on. Be right back. Gotta go sob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/211691_original.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20663\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/211691_original.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"253\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the throne room, the Captain attempts to gift the Dahomey child, whose name is Sarah, to the Queen. It's as awkward as expected. But, after hearing the story of how Sarah is actually a princess whose entire family was slaughtered, it is decided that she can stay. Victoria's emotional journey in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/emma-watson-awkward-thumbs-up.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102123\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/emma-watson-awkward-thumbs-up.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"447\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, while Victoria and Sarah are out shopping for dolls, the Duchess of Buccleuch is loudly grousing about how crazy she thinks taking in an African orphan is. She is also disturbed by Albert's extravagant Christmas decorations (\"In my day, we were perfectly happy with an orange!\"). And she's displeased with her niece, whose name I just learned is Wilhelmina, for being over the age of 16 and still single. Anything else, Duchess?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/complaint-box.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102124\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/complaint-box.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the nursery, Sarah is spooked by the palace dogs. Like me, she is troubled by the fact that none of these dogs are Dash. #ResurrectDash #IMissPhotoshoppingHeartsAroundHisLittleFace\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom and Albert try to convince Victoria to kick Sarah out of the palace, even though she has no one. I wonder if they would act this way if the princess was from Europe.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hmm-will-smith-thinking-look.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102125\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hmm-will-smith-thinking-look.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"446\" height=\"349\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Babyface Maid visits a lawyer and discovers that she's just inherited property in South Carolina worth over a million pounds by today's standards!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-money-excited.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102127\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-money-excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The only trouble is that it's a plantation full of slaves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"870\" height=\"488\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Uncle/Daddy Leopold finds Ernst lazing about with spilled mercury powder all over his room. Leopold is not fazed in the slightest and brushes off Ernst's concerns about spreading syphilis. \u003cem>Oh, please! There are worse things than spreading an STD to your cousin and maybe having deformed children with her! Do it for our incest-ridden dynasty!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nasty-disgusting-thats.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102146\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nasty-disgusting-thats.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"298\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, the whole gang goes to the opera, where Uncle Scar pops up to say, \u003cem>Oh, hey, Victoria. I'm really bummed that you haven't died while giving birth to any of your 9,724 kids. P.S. I WANT MY MOM'S NECKLACE BACK!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"232\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif 232w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 232px) 100vw, 232px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Sarah has a night terror and ends up wandering the halls, crying. Victoria rushes to comfort her, while Albert reiterates his opinion that they should just throw her out. Hmm, what's an unexpected way Albert could die?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Found one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-want-him-to-be-eaten-by-a-lion-hate.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102147\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-want-him-to-be-eaten-by-a-lion-hate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, something white and powdery is all over everything. No, not Ernst's mercury; snow! Everyone has a marvelous time ice-skating and playing in the snow, except for the patron saint of hissy fits, Albert, who's annoyed that Sarah is taking Victoria's attention away from him. He's literally feuding with a five-year-old orphan. Does his stankness know no bounds?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/grow-the-fuck-up-pikachu-pokemon.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102148\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/grow-the-fuck-up-pikachu-pokemon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another unexpected drop-in by Uncle Scar about taking back the necklace, Victoria tries to explain why she doesn't want to hand it over to a man who wished for her death for so many years. Being the supportive husband that he is, Albert takes Uncle Scar's side, treats Victoria as if she's being hysterical, and even manages to drag Lehzen's name through the mud one more time. Knock him out, Victoria!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/buffy-punching-hit-hate.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102154\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/buffy-punching-hit-hate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, Victoria doesn't get around to it because Albert runs off to put more ornaments on the tree. I thought the point of sending Lehzen away was so Albert would stop being a prick? That sure didn't last long!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sarah finds Victoria crying and asks, \u003cem>Oh no! Was your mom slaughtered too?\u003c/em> After Victoria explains that she's just sad that her governess moved away, Sarah comforts her over her #FirstWorldProblems, and teaches her a coping mechanism: when you're devastated over the fact that your entire family was brutally murdered (or over the fact that your babysitter has a new mailing address), make a funny face and you'll momentarily forget how terrible the world can be!\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/leo-dicaprio-funny-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102150\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/leo-dicaprio-funny-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"440\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the servants host a house party downstairs. Everyone, including the royals, do si do and twerk and have the time of their lives... except for Blond Most Definitely Gay, who is all by himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/05/lonely-milhouse.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-81227\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/05/lonely-milhouse.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"376\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sad-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102155\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sad-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"355\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side, Ernst has too many partners. His princess cousin sends him flirty \u003cem>Let's get married even though we have the same grandparent!\u003c/em> looks, while Widow Bestie sends him looks that can best be summed up by this poem:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ae7eOrabSj0\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst can't take it anymore, so he leaves the party to spend the rest of the evening reapplying mercury poison all over his body and sadly looking down at his crotch. But his moping session is interrupted by an unexpected visitor. It's Widow Bestie, who takes off her cloak to reveal lingerie! Have fun, you crazy kids, but remember that Jackie Chan and I want you to use protection!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"368\" height=\"208\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some rolling around, Ernst is seized by shame and tells Widow Bestie it isn't going to happen. He explains that he only liked her when she was prim, proper, and unavailable. Okay, crushing this girl's heart with a rude lie is one way to go about this. Another would be just telling her the truth? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Uncle/Daddy Leopold finds Widow Bestie bawling in a dark hallway. Because he can't help himself, he blurts out, \u003cem>Oh, you bummed about Ernst's syphilis? \u003c/em>Looks like Leopold owes Ernst yet another apology selfie locket.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of lockets, Wilhelmina got some of Brunette Most Definitely Gay's hair and created a keepsake for Blond Most Definitely Gay. I'm not crying; you're crying!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102159\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1020x742.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1020x742.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-160x116.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-800x582.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-768x559.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1200x873.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1920x1397.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1180x859.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-960x698.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-240x175.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-375x273.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-520x378.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blond Most Definitely Gay is so thankful that he proposes to Wilhelmina and makes out with her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, my dude, you could have just gotten her an Edible Arrangement bouquet of chocolate-covered fruit to say thanks. I understand needing a rebound, but what are you doing?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102160\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1020x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"361\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1020x576.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-800x451.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-768x433.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1200x677.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1920x1084.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1180x666.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-960x542.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-375x212.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The show writers have some nerve perpetuating the gays-can't-have-happy-endings trope with Brunette's death, and then smearing this BS on top.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/i-am-disgusted-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96705\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/i-am-disgusted-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In more disgusting news, Albert refuses to get Sarah a Christmas tree like all the other kids, because why not ostracize an orphan and add to her misery for no reason?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since it's been a few hours since he last picked a fight with Victoria, he tells her that she's only thinking of herself in trying to help this little girl, and that she has mommy issues. That's rich coming from someone who pouts about his mom every other episode, and has such intense daddy issues that an entire recap from this season was called just that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disgusted-eye-roll-dwight-the-office.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102161\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disgusted-eye-roll-dwight-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"270\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid starts to feel bad about all those slaves she just inherited, so, instead of buying a bed and breakfast with Hot Italian Chef, she frees them all, even though it means she has to give up her dream of filling an Olympic-sized pool with gold coins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/you-did-good.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102164\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/you-did-good.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"247\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the music room, Albert is loudly singing Christmas carols while banging on the piano. \u003cem>Isn't Christmas the best, Ernst?! Remember how awesome our childhoods were and how in love our parents were?\u003c/em> Because Ernst has been through a lot of crap recently, he has no patience for any of this: \u003cem>Our mother hated our dad so much she slept with his own brother! Oh, and are you forgetting she abandoned us on Christmas Eve? Invest in a therapist, dude. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who's got mommy issues now, Albert?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lauren-conrad-lc-sip-tea.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102166\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lauren-conrad-lc-sip-tea.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria can't seem to find Sarah. When she asks if anyone has seen her, Victoria's mom says, \"Probably in some corner somewhere. Maybe she's outside in the snow.\" The 'hopefully frozen to death' is not spoken, but heavily implied.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria runs outside to find her, but stumbles upon a grumpy Albert ice skating quite aggressively. He glowers at her for no reason, and then proceeds to fall through the thin ice. Is cheering not the appropriate response here? Drowning under an ice-covered lake is not exactly being eaten by a lion, but I'll take it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jack-titanic-die.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102167\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jack-titanic-die.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, damn, Victoria manages to save him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/george-clooney-disgusted-disappointed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102168\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/george-clooney-disgusted-disappointed.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"231\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sarah is safe too, and tells Victoria: \u003cem>Hey, thanks for this bummer of a slumber party, but I'm ready to go back to the captain's house where grown adults don't bully me.\u003c/em> She is sent away the following day, and Albert smiles as he etches another check mark on the wall next to Lehzen's. Two down; next up: anyone else Victoria shows a passing interest in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the Babyface Maid / Hot Italian Chef storyline wraps up with a quickness because there are only a few minutes left in this season:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, I gave up all my money and am back to being wildly poor!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's hot! Let's get married right away and struggle to make ends meet for the rest of our lives!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Sounds good! Remember that entire year we passive-aggressively ignored each other for no reason?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> LOL! We're hilarious. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, another couple is also fast-tracking their romance. Blond Most Definitely Still Gay But Burying It Deep Down Inside gives Wilhelmina a ring to make it official, and they carry on like they're actually in love and the waterfall scene never happened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1020x895.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1020x895.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-160x140.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-800x702.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-768x674.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1200x1053.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1180x1035.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-960x842.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-240x211.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-375x329.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-520x456.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf.jpg 1826w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1020x885.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"555\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1020x885.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-160x139.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-800x694.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-768x667.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1200x1042.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1180x1024.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-960x833.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-240x208.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-375x326.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-520x451.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina.jpg 1850w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/06/oprah-won-t-accept-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-87685\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/06/oprah-won-t-accept-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"383\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Christmas dinner, everyone is having a splendid time pretending that no one has syphilis, and no one regrets marrying Albert, and no one just signed up for a miserable, closeted life. But the perfect illusion is threatened by a visit from Uncle Scar. Is he going to snatch his mom's necklace from Victoria's neck? Is he going to set all the Christmas trees on fire? Is he going to throw up blood onto the dinner table \u003ca href=\"https://thenypost.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/downton-abbey-blood-cough-2.gif\">like the dad in \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a>?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jon-stewart-eating-popcorn.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102175\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jon-stewart-eating-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"226\" height=\"308\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh. None of that happens. He just says: \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Since this is a Christmas episode, never mind all the crazy things I've done and threatened to do. Let's eat! \u003c/em>Everyone agrees to not admit they hate each other's guts until next season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102176\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"306\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-curse-the-day-you-were-born-charlotte-sex-and-the-city.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102177\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-curse-the-day-you-were-born-charlotte-sex-and-the-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"302\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Props on doing the right thing instead of becoming the Paris Hilton of the 1800s.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Sarah. \u003c/strong>She's a survivor, she's not gon' give up, she's not gon' stop, she's gon' work harder!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Thin Ice. \u003c/strong>Thanks for trying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Brunette Most Definitely Gay and Dash. \u003c/strong>In some ways, they're better off up in heaven. I hope they're having a blast being best friends. 💞\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/18/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Albert threw an episode-long tantrum to get Lehzen fired, Prime Minister Peele got sick of all of these people and quit, and, oh yeah, the writers killed off Brunette Most Definitely Gay because we needed another reminder that gays don't get to have happy endings. Will Ada Lovelace pop back up to invent a mood stabilizer for Albert? Will Prime Minister Peele dedicate the rest of his life to orchids and dying alone, like Lord M? Will Brunette Most Definitely Gay's ghost come back and take a pottery class with his woulda-coulda-shoulda boyfriend?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"506\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg 900w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 900px) 100vw, 900px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our episode begins in the Kingdom of Dahomey in West Africa, the place that inspired the bad ass group of women guards in \u003cem>Black Panther\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside a royal hut, the following exchange takes place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Some white dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, King of Dahomey, you really shouldn't keep that child in a cage.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>How dare you?! You don't even go here! I do what I want!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Don't make my Queen angry. And also don't irritate her man-baby husband because I can't take another episode of him whining and throwing tantrums.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>He sounds like the worst. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>He is.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Okay, how about this? I'll let you take this caged kid, if you get out of my face.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Deal.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the palace, Albert is actually in a good mood! He's hopped up on Christmas, blasting Mariah Carey's \"All I Want for Christmas Is You,\" watching \u003cem>The Family Stone\u003c/em> over and over (minus the sad ending), and plotting the amount of trees he'll bring into the residence. I'm sure he really loves the fact that Jesus was born, but I bet he loves the fact that Lehzen is no longer around even more.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Hampshire, the caged child from Dahomey is now in a pretty dress, learning to play piano. The white dude turns out to be a captain, and he intends to give the child to Victoria as a gift. \u003cem>Surprise! I got you a human being!\u003c/em> Yeah, that just doesn't feel right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of children, Victoria's corset doesn't fit again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-do-this-to-me-luanna.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-do-this-to-me-luanna.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">You know what that means!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-say-it-dont-think-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102115\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-say-it-dont-think-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"359\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">She's pregnant for the 9,724th time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/again-really-no-stop.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102118\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/again-really-no-stop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria confides in Babyface Maid: \"This is my first pregnancy since...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>9 months ago?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, turns out she meant \"...since Lehzen left.\" But both are correct.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert interrupts to say that there's a surprise for Victoria in the music room. Is it a lifetime supply of contraceptives? Please be a ton of condoms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/condoms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102119\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/condoms.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"362\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, the surprise ends up being quite the opposite: Uncle/Daddy Leopold and Victoria's mom, who are delighted at how quickly Victoria is churning out children. They almost burst into a cheerleading routine, in which they spell out K-E-E-P H-A-V-I-N-G U-N-P-R-O-T-E-C-T-E-D S-E-X!, but they save it for another time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/congrats-on-the-sex.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/congrats-on-the-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of sex, Ernst -- who puts the ho in \"Ho ho ho!\" -- is also in attendance and feeling awkward for a few reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Widow Bestie, whom Ernst just stood up with no explanation, is there.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Uncle/Daddy Leopold is trying to marry Ernst off to a princess, who is also his cousin, because there's no such thing as too much incest in this royal family.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Ernst can't have sex with either of them because of the syphilis he picked up in France.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>It's tough being Ernst right now, but it might be harder to be on the receiving end of a child's insult.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria's mom:\u003c/strong> \"Do you remember me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lil' Vicki:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, you were the lady who always makes mama cross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/burn-thats-a-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102120\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/burn-thats-a-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"700\" height=\"394\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are playing tonsil hockey and enjoying being straight. Meanwhile, Blond Most Definitely Gay is shirtless in his room, as he puts on a black arm band under his clothes because no one can know that his heart is broken. Hold on. Be right back. Gotta go sob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/211691_original.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20663\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/211691_original.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"253\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the throne room, the Captain attempts to gift the Dahomey child, whose name is Sarah, to the Queen. It's as awkward as expected. But, after hearing the story of how Sarah is actually a princess whose entire family was slaughtered, it is decided that she can stay. Victoria's emotional journey in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/emma-watson-awkward-thumbs-up.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102123\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/emma-watson-awkward-thumbs-up.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"447\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, while Victoria and Sarah are out shopping for dolls, the Duchess of Buccleuch is loudly grousing about how crazy she thinks taking in an African orphan is. She is also disturbed by Albert's extravagant Christmas decorations (\"In my day, we were perfectly happy with an orange!\"). And she's displeased with her niece, whose name I just learned is Wilhelmina, for being over the age of 16 and still single. Anything else, Duchess?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/complaint-box.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102124\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/complaint-box.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the nursery, Sarah is spooked by the palace dogs. Like me, she is troubled by the fact that none of these dogs are Dash. #ResurrectDash #IMissPhotoshoppingHeartsAroundHisLittleFace\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom and Albert try to convince Victoria to kick Sarah out of the palace, even though she has no one. I wonder if they would act this way if the princess was from Europe.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hmm-will-smith-thinking-look.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102125\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hmm-will-smith-thinking-look.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"446\" height=\"349\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Babyface Maid visits a lawyer and discovers that she's just inherited property in South Carolina worth over a million pounds by today's standards!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-money-excited.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102127\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-money-excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The only trouble is that it's a plantation full of slaves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"870\" height=\"488\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Uncle/Daddy Leopold finds Ernst lazing about with spilled mercury powder all over his room. Leopold is not fazed in the slightest and brushes off Ernst's concerns about spreading syphilis. \u003cem>Oh, please! There are worse things than spreading an STD to your cousin and maybe having deformed children with her! Do it for our incest-ridden dynasty!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nasty-disgusting-thats.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102146\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nasty-disgusting-thats.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"298\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, the whole gang goes to the opera, where Uncle Scar pops up to say, \u003cem>Oh, hey, Victoria. I'm really bummed that you haven't died while giving birth to any of your 9,724 kids. P.S. I WANT MY MOM'S NECKLACE BACK!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"232\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif 232w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 232px) 100vw, 232px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Sarah has a night terror and ends up wandering the halls, crying. Victoria rushes to comfort her, while Albert reiterates his opinion that they should just throw her out. Hmm, what's an unexpected way Albert could die?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Found one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-want-him-to-be-eaten-by-a-lion-hate.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102147\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-want-him-to-be-eaten-by-a-lion-hate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, something white and powdery is all over everything. No, not Ernst's mercury; snow! Everyone has a marvelous time ice-skating and playing in the snow, except for the patron saint of hissy fits, Albert, who's annoyed that Sarah is taking Victoria's attention away from him. He's literally feuding with a five-year-old orphan. Does his stankness know no bounds?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/grow-the-fuck-up-pikachu-pokemon.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102148\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/grow-the-fuck-up-pikachu-pokemon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another unexpected drop-in by Uncle Scar about taking back the necklace, Victoria tries to explain why she doesn't want to hand it over to a man who wished for her death for so many years. Being the supportive husband that he is, Albert takes Uncle Scar's side, treats Victoria as if she's being hysterical, and even manages to drag Lehzen's name through the mud one more time. Knock him out, Victoria!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/buffy-punching-hit-hate.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102154\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/buffy-punching-hit-hate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, Victoria doesn't get around to it because Albert runs off to put more ornaments on the tree. I thought the point of sending Lehzen away was so Albert would stop being a prick? That sure didn't last long!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sarah finds Victoria crying and asks, \u003cem>Oh no! Was your mom slaughtered too?\u003c/em> After Victoria explains that she's just sad that her governess moved away, Sarah comforts her over her #FirstWorldProblems, and teaches her a coping mechanism: when you're devastated over the fact that your entire family was brutally murdered (or over the fact that your babysitter has a new mailing address), make a funny face and you'll momentarily forget how terrible the world can be!\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/leo-dicaprio-funny-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102150\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/leo-dicaprio-funny-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"440\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the servants host a house party downstairs. Everyone, including the royals, do si do and twerk and have the time of their lives... except for Blond Most Definitely Gay, who is all by himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/05/lonely-milhouse.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-81227\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/05/lonely-milhouse.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"376\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sad-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102155\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sad-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"355\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side, Ernst has too many partners. His princess cousin sends him flirty \u003cem>Let's get married even though we have the same grandparent!\u003c/em> looks, while Widow Bestie sends him looks that can best be summed up by this poem:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/Ae7eOrabSj0'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/Ae7eOrabSj0'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Ernst can't take it anymore, so he leaves the party to spend the rest of the evening reapplying mercury poison all over his body and sadly looking down at his crotch. But his moping session is interrupted by an unexpected visitor. It's Widow Bestie, who takes off her cloak to reveal lingerie! Have fun, you crazy kids, but remember that Jackie Chan and I want you to use protection!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"368\" height=\"208\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some rolling around, Ernst is seized by shame and tells Widow Bestie it isn't going to happen. He explains that he only liked her when she was prim, proper, and unavailable. Okay, crushing this girl's heart with a rude lie is one way to go about this. Another would be just telling her the truth? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Uncle/Daddy Leopold finds Widow Bestie bawling in a dark hallway. Because he can't help himself, he blurts out, \u003cem>Oh, you bummed about Ernst's syphilis? \u003c/em>Looks like Leopold owes Ernst yet another apology selfie locket.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of lockets, Wilhelmina got some of Brunette Most Definitely Gay's hair and created a keepsake for Blond Most Definitely Gay. I'm not crying; you're crying!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102159\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1020x742.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1020x742.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-160x116.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-800x582.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-768x559.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1200x873.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1920x1397.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1180x859.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-960x698.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-240x175.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-375x273.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-520x378.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blond Most Definitely Gay is so thankful that he proposes to Wilhelmina and makes out with her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, my dude, you could have just gotten her an Edible Arrangement bouquet of chocolate-covered fruit to say thanks. I understand needing a rebound, but what are you doing?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102160\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1020x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"361\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1020x576.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-800x451.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-768x433.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1200x677.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1920x1084.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1180x666.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-960x542.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-375x212.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The show writers have some nerve perpetuating the gays-can't-have-happy-endings trope with Brunette's death, and then smearing this BS on top.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/i-am-disgusted-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96705\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/i-am-disgusted-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In more disgusting news, Albert refuses to get Sarah a Christmas tree like all the other kids, because why not ostracize an orphan and add to her misery for no reason?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since it's been a few hours since he last picked a fight with Victoria, he tells her that she's only thinking of herself in trying to help this little girl, and that she has mommy issues. That's rich coming from someone who pouts about his mom every other episode, and has such intense daddy issues that an entire recap from this season was called just that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disgusted-eye-roll-dwight-the-office.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102161\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disgusted-eye-roll-dwight-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"270\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid starts to feel bad about all those slaves she just inherited, so, instead of buying a bed and breakfast with Hot Italian Chef, she frees them all, even though it means she has to give up her dream of filling an Olympic-sized pool with gold coins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/you-did-good.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102164\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/you-did-good.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"247\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the music room, Albert is loudly singing Christmas carols while banging on the piano. \u003cem>Isn't Christmas the best, Ernst?! Remember how awesome our childhoods were and how in love our parents were?\u003c/em> Because Ernst has been through a lot of crap recently, he has no patience for any of this: \u003cem>Our mother hated our dad so much she slept with his own brother! Oh, and are you forgetting she abandoned us on Christmas Eve? Invest in a therapist, dude. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who's got mommy issues now, Albert?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lauren-conrad-lc-sip-tea.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102166\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lauren-conrad-lc-sip-tea.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria can't seem to find Sarah. When she asks if anyone has seen her, Victoria's mom says, \"Probably in some corner somewhere. Maybe she's outside in the snow.\" The 'hopefully frozen to death' is not spoken, but heavily implied.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria runs outside to find her, but stumbles upon a grumpy Albert ice skating quite aggressively. He glowers at her for no reason, and then proceeds to fall through the thin ice. Is cheering not the appropriate response here? Drowning under an ice-covered lake is not exactly being eaten by a lion, but I'll take it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jack-titanic-die.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102167\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jack-titanic-die.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, damn, Victoria manages to save him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/george-clooney-disgusted-disappointed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102168\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/george-clooney-disgusted-disappointed.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"231\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sarah is safe too, and tells Victoria: \u003cem>Hey, thanks for this bummer of a slumber party, but I'm ready to go back to the captain's house where grown adults don't bully me.\u003c/em> She is sent away the following day, and Albert smiles as he etches another check mark on the wall next to Lehzen's. Two down; next up: anyone else Victoria shows a passing interest in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the Babyface Maid / Hot Italian Chef storyline wraps up with a quickness because there are only a few minutes left in this season:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, I gave up all my money and am back to being wildly poor!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's hot! Let's get married right away and struggle to make ends meet for the rest of our lives!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Sounds good! Remember that entire year we passive-aggressively ignored each other for no reason?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> LOL! We're hilarious. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, another couple is also fast-tracking their romance. Blond Most Definitely Still Gay But Burying It Deep Down Inside gives Wilhelmina a ring to make it official, and they carry on like they're actually in love and the waterfall scene never happened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1020x895.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1020x895.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-160x140.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-800x702.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-768x674.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1200x1053.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1180x1035.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-960x842.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-240x211.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-375x329.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-520x456.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf.jpg 1826w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1020x885.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"555\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1020x885.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-160x139.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-800x694.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-768x667.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1200x1042.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1180x1024.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-960x833.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-240x208.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-375x326.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-520x451.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina.jpg 1850w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/06/oprah-won-t-accept-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-87685\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/06/oprah-won-t-accept-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"383\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Christmas dinner, everyone is having a splendid time pretending that no one has syphilis, and no one regrets marrying Albert, and no one just signed up for a miserable, closeted life. But the perfect illusion is threatened by a visit from Uncle Scar. Is he going to snatch his mom's necklace from Victoria's neck? Is he going to set all the Christmas trees on fire? Is he going to throw up blood onto the dinner table \u003ca href=\"https://thenypost.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/downton-abbey-blood-cough-2.gif\">like the dad in \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a>?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jon-stewart-eating-popcorn.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102175\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jon-stewart-eating-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"226\" height=\"308\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh. None of that happens. He just says: \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Since this is a Christmas episode, never mind all the crazy things I've done and threatened to do. Let's eat! \u003c/em>Everyone agrees to not admit they hate each other's guts until next season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102176\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"306\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-curse-the-day-you-were-born-charlotte-sex-and-the-city.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102177\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-curse-the-day-you-were-born-charlotte-sex-and-the-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"302\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Props on doing the right thing instead of becoming the Paris Hilton of the 1800s.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Sarah. \u003c/strong>She's a survivor, she's not gon' give up, she's not gon' stop, she's gon' work harder!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Thin Ice. \u003c/strong>Thanks for trying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Brunette Most Definitely Gay and Dash. \u003c/strong>In some ways, they're better off up in heaven. I hope they're having a blast being best friends. 💞\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/11/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen almost got assassinated, and then almost died from exposure or dysentery or something else awful after getting lost in Scotland, while everyone else hooked up. Will Albert's new hobby this episode be inventing an impenetrable Pope Mobile to protect the Queen? Will Victoria publish a coffee table book on her newfound love of sock darning? Will the show writers resist the urge to kill one of the Most Definitely Gays and allow them to have a happy ending? Will the Duchess' niece snitch on them? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that their oldest child has grown out of looking like a frog, Victoria is open to spending some quality time with her, while Albert plays the piano for them. But the cozy family vibe is quickly spoiled by an unexpected visitor. It's Uncle/Daddy Leopold, who hasn't seen Albert since he revealed, \u003cem>Oh, hey, sorry your dad's dead. But no need to be too sad about that 'cause I slept with your mom A TON and have been your real dad this whole time. Surprise!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The meeting is as uncomfortable as you'd expect. Victoria deals with all the awkwardness by standing very still and making this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/uncomfortable-awkward-britney.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101968\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/uncomfortable-awkward-britney.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"407\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To break the ice, Uncle/Daddy Leopold gives Albert a birthday present. That's a nice gesture, right? Not so much. It turns out to be... a selfie?! What do you get for someone who hates your face? A picture of it, of course!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101974\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Parliament, old rich white dudes are busy debating what they've debated for hundreds of years: whether to give up a few coins to ensure that poor people don't starve to death, or keep said coins and watch them suffer while munching on caviar. All of Prime Minister Peele's friends take Marie Antoinette's words to the next level: \u003cem>Let them eat... nothing! \u003c/em>That nice doctor dude from the Irish Potato Famine episode is rolling in his grave, screaming:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oh-come-on-jim-carrey-liar-liar.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101975\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oh-come-on-jim-carrey-liar-liar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"374\" height=\"379\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, another war is brewing between Albert and Governess Dictator (whom I'm going to start calling by her real name, Lehzen, 'cause she has really chilled out since the first season). Last episode, Albert accused her of making his daughter fat. This episode, he's accusing her of trying to murder his children by opening the windows and letting fresh air in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are you #TeamCloseTheWindow?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/shut-window-bart-simpson.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101976\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/shut-window-bart-simpson.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or #TeamOpenTheWindow?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/open-window-spider-man.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101977\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/open-window-spider-man.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"363\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[polldaddy poll=9941466]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By a pond, Ernst takes a break from exposing himself to mercury to sneak up on Victoria's Widow Bestie, and uses this pickup line: \"You look like Narcissus.\" Translation: you look like a self-absorbed dude. Widow Bestie finds this charming for some reason and goes in for a kiss... which is promptly disrupted by Leopold. Hope he thought ahead and engraved a selfie locket apology.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101981\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, the Duchess' niece runs into Blond Most Definitely Gay in a hallway and, instead of blackmailing him, gabs all about how \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_and_Jonathan\">David and Jonathan\u003c/a> were totally gay for each other in the Bible so it must be okay. Way to go! She's basically a Gay Straight Alliance president. Or Honey Boo Boo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/a-little-gay-lil-boo-boo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/a-little-gay-lil-boo-boo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/everybodys-a-little-gay.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101984\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/everybodys-a-little-gay.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, the Most Definitely Gays meet for dinner and immediately order oysters and champagne. I'm not great at math, but by my calculations: an aphrodisiac appetizer + inhibition-killing juice = third base at least!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/come-on-you-got-this-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101986\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/come-on-you-got-this-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"669\" height=\"448\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The chances of this actually happening rise exponentially when the brunette announces that he's broken his engagement off. Once you go gay in Scotland, you never go back to pretending to like ladies. Here's some found footage of their breakup:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sorry-im-gay.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sorry-im-gay.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Huzzah! Now nothing is standing in their way (other than homosexuality being illegal, but who's counting?). But wait. Now that the brunette has finally come to terms with his gayness, the blond is randomly calling their cute make-out session an \"indiscretion\" and advising that the brunette get back with his ex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/what-is-wrong-with-you-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101989\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/what-is-wrong-with-you-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"301\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/rooting-for-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101988\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The brunette is just as outraged as me and Tyra Banks, and walks out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things aren't going so well over at the palace either. When Victoria declares herself #TeamOpenTheWindow, Albert throws a tantrum that even Lil Vicki, who's a toddler, looks at and thinks, \u003cem>Wow, you're doing too much.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tantrum-freakout.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101990\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tantrum-freakout.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"364\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He threatens to run to the side of his bromance bestie, Prime Minister Peele, to support him as he advocates for the poor at Parliament. Victoria calmly reminds him of the separation between the monarchy and government. Albert responds by saying, \u003cem>Mooooom! You're ruining my life!\u003c/em>, before storming out. Victoria wonders aloud why he's being so \"objectionable.\" That's a good word for him. A few more words that also work: annoying, insufferable know-it-all brat that gives Veruca Salt a run for her money.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/lXlOWw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/lXlOWw.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Surprising no one, his presence at Parliament is not received well and is used by Peele's opponents to discredit the appeal to care about poor people. Albert takes responsibility for his actions and vows to be less impulsive in the future.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>LOL, just kidding, he punches a wall because, like I said, he's a brat!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/veruca_badegg.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101991\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/veruca_badegg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"334\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He storms home and proceeds to yell in Victoria's face about all of the following things:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>his conspiracy theory that Lehzen -- or as he likes to call her \"that woman\" -- has bewitched Victoria.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>his conspiracy theory that \"that woman\" poisoned Victoria against her mother.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>his conspiracy theory that \"that woman\" is trying to poison Victoria against him.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>his belief that Victoria is too willful and stubborn, and exaggerates all the time.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>his ultimatum that either Lehzen goes or he goes.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>As \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em> winner and great philosopher Bianca del Rio once said: \"Need help packing? Beat it, queen!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLp_7kTqjxE\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Blond Most Definitely Gay is crafting a letter:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Dear Brunette Most Definitely Gay, \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Sorry about all that internalized homophobia I threw around at our dinner date. Join me for oysters and third base, but for real this time? XOXO\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of romance, Ernst and Widow Bestie finally get to play a quick round of tonsil hockey... until Uncle/Daddy Leopold does what he does best:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101994\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Albert agree to forget all about the legitimate issues that exist between them 'cause Lil Vicki catches a fever and almost dies. Good for them, I guess, but they should probably go to couples' therapy at some point?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Parliament, Peele successfully passes his \u003cem>Hey Guys Let's Stop Being Pricks and Let Poor People Have Food\u003c/em> bill. He asks Brunette Most Definitely Gay if he wants a ride home, and BMDG responds: \"Thank you, sir, but I have an engagement.\" You see what he did there? Unlike his sham marital engagement, his love for Blonde Most Definitely Gay is the real deal! Let's get this oyster party started!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oysters-dancing-cartoon-gif-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101995\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oysters-dancing-cartoon-gif-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"305\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A moment later, an assassin who doesn't want to stop being a prick and let poor people have food tries to shoot Peele! Because the show writers insist on perpetuating the \u003ca href=\"http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BuryYourGays\">bury your gays trope\u003c/a>, Brunette Most Definitely Gay takes the bullet and dies in the street.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cry-push-computer-bad-girls-club.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101996\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cry-push-computer-bad-girls-club.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I told y'all they would do this. I understand that a happy ending for the Most Definitely Gays is not exactly realistic in the 1840s, but the show has taken creative license with so many other things. Why not this? Killing off a gay character just feels so lazy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disappointed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101997\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disappointed.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"234\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blond Most Definitely Gay waits at the oyster restaurant for his date, but he doesn't show BECAUSE HE'S DEAD. The next day, the Duchess takes him aside, gives him her flask, breaks the news to him, and reminds him to a.) breathe and b.) stay in the closet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/deal-with-it-sad-mad-men-drunk.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101998\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/deal-with-it-sad-mad-men-drunk.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"301\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid flirting in a rowboat, eating strawberry tarts, and making out. This immediate juxtaposition of gay tragedy and straight harmony is just rubbing salt in the wound. Do better, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/youre-a-disgrace.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101999\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/youre-a-disgrace.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria fires Lehzen so Albert will stop throwing jealous tantrums. Yeah... good luck with that. When Lehzen leaves after 20 years of service, the only person who sees her off is the mean butler.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38267\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Prime Minister Peele fires himself because, like me, he's just over all of this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ernst almost proposes to Widow Bestie, but finds another rash and decides to spare her a case of syphilis. Which would be sad if the next scene wasn't Brunette Most Definitely Gay's funeral. His fiancé tells Blond Most Definitely Gay that Brunette always talked about him. All Blond can manage to say through his tears is that they \"shared some bad habits.\" Ughhhhh. I'm going to need more of the Duchess' flask pronto.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry-bottle-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry-bottle-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drinking-sad-blender-tequila-booze.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102000\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drinking-sad-blender-tequila-booze.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"316\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/amy-schumer-drinking-wine-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-96639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/amy-schumer-drinking-wine-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"367\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>Grow up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL: The Show Writers. \u003c/strong>Killing off a gay character. How groundbreaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Prime Minister Peele. \u003c/strong>Shout out to him for realizing that people should be able to afford food. I will always remember him as he was when we first met him in Season 1: his face smack dab in the middle of a train's exhaust.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-65475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1020x565.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"355\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1020x565.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-800x443.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-240x133.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-375x208.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-520x288.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg 1207w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: The Duchess.\u003c/strong> That flask assist was expertly timed, but more than that, it was kind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Lehzen. \u003c/strong>Unceremoniously kicked to the curb because of a man baby. Please tell me Lehzen gets her \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em> revenge next season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Brunette Most Definitely Gay. \u003c/strong>He deserved better than this. We'll always have the waterfall scene. 😭\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Drink every time Prince Albert throws a bratty tantrum or something terrible happens to a character you like.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/11/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen almost got assassinated, and then almost died from exposure or dysentery or something else awful after getting lost in Scotland, while everyone else hooked up. Will Albert's new hobby this episode be inventing an impenetrable Pope Mobile to protect the Queen? Will Victoria publish a coffee table book on her newfound love of sock darning? Will the show writers resist the urge to kill one of the Most Definitely Gays and allow them to have a happy ending? Will the Duchess' niece snitch on them? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that their oldest child has grown out of looking like a frog, Victoria is open to spending some quality time with her, while Albert plays the piano for them. But the cozy family vibe is quickly spoiled by an unexpected visitor. It's Uncle/Daddy Leopold, who hasn't seen Albert since he revealed, \u003cem>Oh, hey, sorry your dad's dead. But no need to be too sad about that 'cause I slept with your mom A TON and have been your real dad this whole time. Surprise!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The meeting is as uncomfortable as you'd expect. Victoria deals with all the awkwardness by standing very still and making this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/uncomfortable-awkward-britney.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101968\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/uncomfortable-awkward-britney.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"407\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To break the ice, Uncle/Daddy Leopold gives Albert a birthday present. That's a nice gesture, right? Not so much. It turns out to be... a selfie?! What do you get for someone who hates your face? A picture of it, of course!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101974\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Parliament, old rich white dudes are busy debating what they've debated for hundreds of years: whether to give up a few coins to ensure that poor people don't starve to death, or keep said coins and watch them suffer while munching on caviar. All of Prime Minister Peele's friends take Marie Antoinette's words to the next level: \u003cem>Let them eat... nothing! \u003c/em>That nice doctor dude from the Irish Potato Famine episode is rolling in his grave, screaming:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oh-come-on-jim-carrey-liar-liar.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101975\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oh-come-on-jim-carrey-liar-liar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"374\" height=\"379\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, another war is brewing between Albert and Governess Dictator (whom I'm going to start calling by her real name, Lehzen, 'cause she has really chilled out since the first season). Last episode, Albert accused her of making his daughter fat. This episode, he's accusing her of trying to murder his children by opening the windows and letting fresh air in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are you #TeamCloseTheWindow?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/shut-window-bart-simpson.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101976\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/shut-window-bart-simpson.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or #TeamOpenTheWindow?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/open-window-spider-man.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101977\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/open-window-spider-man.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"363\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[polldaddy poll=9941466]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By a pond, Ernst takes a break from exposing himself to mercury to sneak up on Victoria's Widow Bestie, and uses this pickup line: \"You look like Narcissus.\" Translation: you look like a self-absorbed dude. Widow Bestie finds this charming for some reason and goes in for a kiss... which is promptly disrupted by Leopold. Hope he thought ahead and engraved a selfie locket apology.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101981\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, the Duchess' niece runs into Blond Most Definitely Gay in a hallway and, instead of blackmailing him, gabs all about how \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_and_Jonathan\">David and Jonathan\u003c/a> were totally gay for each other in the Bible so it must be okay. Way to go! She's basically a Gay Straight Alliance president. Or Honey Boo Boo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/a-little-gay-lil-boo-boo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/a-little-gay-lil-boo-boo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/everybodys-a-little-gay.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101984\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/everybodys-a-little-gay.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, the Most Definitely Gays meet for dinner and immediately order oysters and champagne. I'm not great at math, but by my calculations: an aphrodisiac appetizer + inhibition-killing juice = third base at least!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/come-on-you-got-this-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101986\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/come-on-you-got-this-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"669\" height=\"448\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The chances of this actually happening rise exponentially when the brunette announces that he's broken his engagement off. Once you go gay in Scotland, you never go back to pretending to like ladies. Here's some found footage of their breakup:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sorry-im-gay.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sorry-im-gay.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Huzzah! Now nothing is standing in their way (other than homosexuality being illegal, but who's counting?). But wait. Now that the brunette has finally come to terms with his gayness, the blond is randomly calling their cute make-out session an \"indiscretion\" and advising that the brunette get back with his ex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/what-is-wrong-with-you-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101989\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/what-is-wrong-with-you-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"301\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/rooting-for-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101988\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The brunette is just as outraged as me and Tyra Banks, and walks out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things aren't going so well over at the palace either. When Victoria declares herself #TeamOpenTheWindow, Albert throws a tantrum that even Lil Vicki, who's a toddler, looks at and thinks, \u003cem>Wow, you're doing too much.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tantrum-freakout.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101990\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tantrum-freakout.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"364\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He threatens to run to the side of his bromance bestie, Prime Minister Peele, to support him as he advocates for the poor at Parliament. Victoria calmly reminds him of the separation between the monarchy and government. Albert responds by saying, \u003cem>Mooooom! You're ruining my life!\u003c/em>, before storming out. Victoria wonders aloud why he's being so \"objectionable.\" That's a good word for him. A few more words that also work: annoying, insufferable know-it-all brat that gives Veruca Salt a run for her money.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/lXlOWw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/lXlOWw.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Surprising no one, his presence at Parliament is not received well and is used by Peele's opponents to discredit the appeal to care about poor people. Albert takes responsibility for his actions and vows to be less impulsive in the future.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>LOL, just kidding, he punches a wall because, like I said, he's a brat!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/veruca_badegg.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101991\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/veruca_badegg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"334\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He storms home and proceeds to yell in Victoria's face about all of the following things:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>his conspiracy theory that Lehzen -- or as he likes to call her \"that woman\" -- has bewitched Victoria.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>his conspiracy theory that \"that woman\" poisoned Victoria against her mother.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>his conspiracy theory that \"that woman\" is trying to poison Victoria against him.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>his belief that Victoria is too willful and stubborn, and exaggerates all the time.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>his ultimatum that either Lehzen goes or he goes.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>As \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em> winner and great philosopher Bianca del Rio once said: \"Need help packing? Beat it, queen!\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/xLp_7kTqjxE'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/xLp_7kTqjxE'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Elsewhere, Blond Most Definitely Gay is crafting a letter:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Dear Brunette Most Definitely Gay, \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Sorry about all that internalized homophobia I threw around at our dinner date. Join me for oysters and third base, but for real this time? XOXO\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of romance, Ernst and Widow Bestie finally get to play a quick round of tonsil hockey... until Uncle/Daddy Leopold does what he does best:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101994\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Albert agree to forget all about the legitimate issues that exist between them 'cause Lil Vicki catches a fever and almost dies. Good for them, I guess, but they should probably go to couples' therapy at some point?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Parliament, Peele successfully passes his \u003cem>Hey Guys Let's Stop Being Pricks and Let Poor People Have Food\u003c/em> bill. He asks Brunette Most Definitely Gay if he wants a ride home, and BMDG responds: \"Thank you, sir, but I have an engagement.\" You see what he did there? Unlike his sham marital engagement, his love for Blonde Most Definitely Gay is the real deal! Let's get this oyster party started!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oysters-dancing-cartoon-gif-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101995\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oysters-dancing-cartoon-gif-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"305\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A moment later, an assassin who doesn't want to stop being a prick and let poor people have food tries to shoot Peele! Because the show writers insist on perpetuating the \u003ca href=\"http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BuryYourGays\">bury your gays trope\u003c/a>, Brunette Most Definitely Gay takes the bullet and dies in the street.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cry-push-computer-bad-girls-club.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101996\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cry-push-computer-bad-girls-club.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I told y'all they would do this. I understand that a happy ending for the Most Definitely Gays is not exactly realistic in the 1840s, but the show has taken creative license with so many other things. Why not this? Killing off a gay character just feels so lazy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disappointed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101997\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disappointed.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"234\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blond Most Definitely Gay waits at the oyster restaurant for his date, but he doesn't show BECAUSE HE'S DEAD. The next day, the Duchess takes him aside, gives him her flask, breaks the news to him, and reminds him to a.) breathe and b.) stay in the closet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/deal-with-it-sad-mad-men-drunk.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101998\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/deal-with-it-sad-mad-men-drunk.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"301\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid flirting in a rowboat, eating strawberry tarts, and making out. This immediate juxtaposition of gay tragedy and straight harmony is just rubbing salt in the wound. Do better, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/youre-a-disgrace.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101999\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/youre-a-disgrace.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria fires Lehzen so Albert will stop throwing jealous tantrums. Yeah... good luck with that. When Lehzen leaves after 20 years of service, the only person who sees her off is the mean butler.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38267\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Prime Minister Peele fires himself because, like me, he's just over all of this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ernst almost proposes to Widow Bestie, but finds another rash and decides to spare her a case of syphilis. Which would be sad if the next scene wasn't Brunette Most Definitely Gay's funeral. His fiancé tells Blond Most Definitely Gay that Brunette always talked about him. All Blond can manage to say through his tears is that they \"shared some bad habits.\" Ughhhhh. I'm going to need more of the Duchess' flask pronto.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry-bottle-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry-bottle-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drinking-sad-blender-tequila-booze.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102000\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drinking-sad-blender-tequila-booze.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"316\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/amy-schumer-drinking-wine-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-96639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/amy-schumer-drinking-wine-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"367\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>Grow up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL: The Show Writers. \u003c/strong>Killing off a gay character. How groundbreaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Prime Minister Peele. \u003c/strong>Shout out to him for realizing that people should be able to afford food. I will always remember him as he was when we first met him in Season 1: his face smack dab in the middle of a train's exhaust.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-65475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1020x565.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"355\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1020x565.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-800x443.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-240x133.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-375x208.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-520x288.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg 1207w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: The Duchess.\u003c/strong> That flask assist was expertly timed, but more than that, it was kind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Lehzen. \u003c/strong>Unceremoniously kicked to the curb because of a man baby. Please tell me Lehzen gets her \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em> revenge next season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Brunette Most Definitely Gay. \u003c/strong>He deserved better than this. We'll always have the waterfall scene. 😭\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found",
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"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/04/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, practically everyone shrugged their shoulders as a million Irish people starved to death, Ernst attempted to cure his syphilis by poisoning himself with mercury, and the Most Likely Gays stopped heart-eyeing each other because the brunette got engaged to a woman and also was rooting for the Irish potato famine. Will the callous people who didn't lift a finger to help the Irish be forever haunted by ghost versions of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Will Ernst go on a time traveling quest into the future to find penicillin for his STD, temporarily get distracted by the shorter skirts, but eventually cure himself and swing back to the 1840s to bump uglies with Victoria's widowed bestie? Will the non-problematic Most Likely Gay use the same time machine to travel to the winter Olympics in PyeongChang and go on a hot date with\u003ca href=\"http://instinctmagazine.com/sites/instinctmagazine.com/files/images/blog_posts/Karim%20Shah/2017/11/09/Screen%20Shot%202017-11-09%20at%205.59.01%20PM.png\"> not-engaged-to-a-woman, out-and-proud skier Gus Kenworthy\u003c/a>? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert are out and about in London at the same time as someone who's having difficulty walking. This someone promptly takes out a pistol and tries to shoot Victoria! Wow, so we're not wasting any time this week, I see.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So why did he do it? Maybe he's pissed about how the government let all those Irish people die. Or maybe he's disabled and peeved that there is no healthcare. Or maybe he tried to walk after his leg fell asleep and took out his aggravation over the clumsy pain of that on Victoria cause she was right there. Who knows?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What I do know for sure though is that Season 2 assassin has nothing on Season 1 assassin. Remember him? The one that has probably already been reincarnated and won a season of \u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em>? Just look at how he draped the fabric on his regicide-themed dress form!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"374\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-800x467.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-768x448.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-960x561.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-375x219.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-520x304.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria finds out they didn't manage to catch Season 2 Assassin, so she comes up with an ingenious plan: go back outside and wait for him to try shooting her in the face again! What could possibly go wrong?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert vehemently opposes the plan, until the Prime Minister explains the merits of \"flushing out\" the perpetrator. Albert immediately changes his tune because he loves flushing of all kinds after taking up toilets as a hobby last episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-love-toilet-time-elmo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101790\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-love-toilet-time-elmo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since bulletproof Escalades with those rims that keep spinning after the car has stopped haven't been invented yet, Victoria settles for another ride in her open-air carriage, armed with a chainmail umbrella. Not the safest, but pretty bad ass, I must say. I hope she starts carrying a walking stick that doubles as one of those spiked-ball-on-a-chain thingies. (Turns out those thingies are called \"flails.\" Cue \u003ca href=\"https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2015-02/1/20/enhanced/webdr08/enhanced-32005-1422840611-40.jpg?downsize=715:*&output-format=auto&output-quality=auto\">the More You Know star\u003c/a>!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101792 size-large\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1020x679.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"426\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1020x679.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1200x799.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1920x1278.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1180x785.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-960x639.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-240x160.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-375x250.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-520x346.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Within moments, Season 2 Assassin reemerges (does he live in the park or something? ), tries to murder Victoria again, and is quickly apprehended. They didn't even need to flush twice to get rid of that piece of poo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flush-diving-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flush-diving-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"280\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With that plot point all wrapped up in under three minutes, Victoria and the show's writers quickly realize that life without the threat of having one's head shot off is kind of boring. So Victoria yells \u003cem>Smell ya later, babies and infants I never hang out with!\u003c/em> in the direction of the nursery and heads off on a road trip to Scotland.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lets-go-girls-britney-crossroads.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lets-go-girls-britney-crossroads.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the way, Brunette Most Likely Gay starts yapping about his lady fiancé in front of his almost boyfriend again. WE GET IT! YOU'RE ENGAGED! NO HOMO ETC. GET SOME NEW MATERIAL!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/arnold-shut-up-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/arnold-shut-up-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When everyone arrives at the Scottish castle, they get a sneak peek of Season 1 Assassin's \u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em> finale collection:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1020x571.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1020x571.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1200x672.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1920x1075.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1180x661.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-520x291.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of fashion, Victoria is trying out a new look:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-960x540.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-520x293.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat.jpg 1440w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'll let the professionals judge this one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/heidi-project-runway.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101801\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/heidi-project-runway.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hideous.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hideous.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tim-gunn-6.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tim-gunn-6.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/busy-and-tacky-michael-kors.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101803 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/busy-and-tacky-michael-kors.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a long fishing scene in which nothing happens other than Victoria looking across the river, seeing two random girls, and thinking\u003cem> I wish I could be poor and regular too\u003c/em>, everyone decides to head back to the castle. Because Victoria seems to have a death wish this episode, she decides to go off into the wilderness with just Albert, who might know a lot about toilets, but not a thing about the geography of Scotland. Waze isn't going to get them out of this one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure enough they immediately get lost and a search party is dispatched. The Most Likely Gays decide to team up and look for them together. When they look over a cliff and don't see Victoria and Albert's mangled bodies on the rocks below, they decide they've looked hard enough and that it's time to talk about how Achilles and Patroclus were totally gay for each other. This is a good start. Now go find a waterfall and skinny dip again! The viewers (mainly me) demand a sequel!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-gay-waterfall.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101805\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-gay-waterfall.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Albert has gone from \u003cem>I have the best sense of direction!\u003c/em> to \u003cem>OMG we're going to die out here\u003c/em>. Who needs an assassin when your overconfident husband can get you killed, bullet-free? Albert makes Victoria ford a river and she almost falls off her horse. What's next? One of them dies of dysentery? (Shout out to all of us who played \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Oregon_Trail_(video_game)\">\u003cem>Oregon Trail\u003c/em>\u003c/a> in grade school!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Oregon-Trail.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101806\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Oregon-Trail.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, they find a house and get invited in. The owner obviously doesn't subscribe to \u003cem>US Weekly\u003c/em> because he doesn't recognize them. When Victoria busts in without saying hi and takes a seat by the fire, Scottish Dude says, \u003cem>Umm, excuse you! That's my chair!\u003c/em> I like this humbling moment for Victoria and Albert. Make them do chores!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you're a regular reader of this recap series, you know that I despise unnecessary \"downstairs\" plot lines. But there's finally one I deeply care about. Some babe in a kilt starts flirting with Babyface Maid, and then promptly makes out with her! If the Most Likely Gays refuse to tongue wrestle, I'll settle for this. Get it, girl!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/gross-kiss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101808\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/gross-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"570\" height=\"321\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Scottish Dude's place, Victoria and Albert are forced to do chores for the first time in their lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/chores-nicole-richie.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101809\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/chores-nicole-richie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>High off of learning how to dry dishes, darn socks, and drink plebeian booze, Victoria tells Albert she kind of doesn't want to be found. Back in the nursery, her three children have a message for their mom:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excuse-me-what-about-me-nicki-minaj.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101810\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excuse-me-what-about-me-nicki-minaj.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But they don't have to worry. The search party finds them and Victoria's hosts are like, \u003cem>Ohhhh, so that's why she was acting so entitled!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the Scottish castle, Blond Most Likely Gay excitedly shares the news of Victoria and Albert being found with Brunette Most Likely Gay. They celebrate by embracing for a long time!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/enchanted-excited-amy-adams.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101814\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/enchanted-excited-amy-adams.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"452\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then they pull apart and look at each other like they're about to explore the insides of each other's mouths!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excited.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101826\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But they don't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/god-i-want-a-donut-mindy-kaling.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101815\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/god-i-want-a-donut-mindy-kaling.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Victoria and Albert are brought back to the castle and applauded for surviving a few hours without being catered to by servants, Victoria debuts a new look to appease the \u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em> judges.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101827\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1020x573.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1020x573.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-800x450.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-768x432.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1200x674.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1920x1079.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1180x663.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-960x540.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-240x135.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-375x211.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-520x292.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/heidi-project-runway-clap.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101820 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/heidi-project-runway-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nina-like-it-project-runway.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101821\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nina-like-it-project-runway.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tim-gunn-excited.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101828\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tim-gunn-excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/michael-kors-project-runway.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101819\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/michael-kors-project-runway.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the Most Likely Gays decide that hanging out with the servants will be one zillion times more fun than worshipping the Queen all evening, so they sneak away and twerk with the locals at a rave in the woods. The Duchess' niece watches from afar. I swear, little girl, don't you dare interrupt their love like you did back in episode 2. I will make more of these anti-you posters if I must.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98597\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1020x707.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1020x707.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-160x111.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-800x554.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-768x532.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1200x832.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1920x1331.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1180x818.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-960x665.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-240x166.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-375x260.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-520x360.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98596\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1020x1114.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"699\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1020x1114.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-160x175.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-800x873.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-768x838.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1099x1200.jpg 1099w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1920x2096.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1180x1288.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-960x1048.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-240x262.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-375x409.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-520x568.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, she keeps her distance and just stares at them like a weirdo. The boys dance with each other, and laugh, and talk about how wonderful midsummer evenings are, and then stand in front of a body of water, which reminds them of that time at the waterfall, and then THEY TOTALLY MAKE OUT!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-queen-broad-city.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101822\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-queen-broad-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"469\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/its-so-beautiful.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101823\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/its-so-beautiful.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-excited-crying-happy-tears-antm.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-excited-crying-happy-tears-antm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"385\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/colbert-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101816\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/colbert-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"376\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, back at the forest rave, Babyface Maid has let her hair down (literally) and is having her own sexy time with Kilt Babe. But, when he asks if he may write erotic letters to her, she declines because she almost dated Hot Italian Chef approximately one thousand years ago. Um, Babyface Maid, Victoria has had like 13 kids since then. Live your life!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the castle, Victoria's widowed bestie finally holds hands with Ernst because, if everyone else is hooking up, she might as well too. Who knew Scotland was such an aphrodisiac? Viagra who?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because sexy times must eventually come to an end, everyone returns to the dreariness of London. Albert mopes around, wishing he could be anonymous and poor again. Victoria is like, \u003cem>I know, me too! But we'll just have to take one for the team and live in a palace for free and get everything we want. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Every actual poor person living at the time:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, after opening Parliament, Victoria comes home, throws her cape, sash, and fancy gloves on the ground in the middle of the hallway (don't worry, someone else will pick it all up) and meets Albert by the fire, where they role play as their poor Scottish hosts. They grill fish in the fireplace and darn socks and giggle at how fun not wearing garments one time only and actually having to repair them is. Poverty is so cozy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again, every actual poor person:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Season 2 Assassin. \u003c/strong>At least the last guy had a knack for designing women's wear. Downgrade!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Kilt Babe. \u003c/strong>He's hot. Sometimes, that's enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: The Duchess of Buccleuch. \u003c/strong>For startling everyone by forcefully pronouncing the first syllable of cock-a-leekie soup.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: The Scotland Tourism Bureau. \u003c/strong>Congrats on convincing all of us to visit. See y'all at the sock darning workshop!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: The Most Likely Gays.\u003c/strong> I didn't think they ever would get to second base. I'm glad I was wrong! But let's be real: the writers are probably going to kill one of them off because LGBT people usually don't get to enjoy happy endings in TV and movies, so let's celebrate them while we can.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/04/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, practically everyone shrugged their shoulders as a million Irish people starved to death, Ernst attempted to cure his syphilis by poisoning himself with mercury, and the Most Likely Gays stopped heart-eyeing each other because the brunette got engaged to a woman and also was rooting for the Irish potato famine. Will the callous people who didn't lift a finger to help the Irish be forever haunted by ghost versions of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Will Ernst go on a time traveling quest into the future to find penicillin for his STD, temporarily get distracted by the shorter skirts, but eventually cure himself and swing back to the 1840s to bump uglies with Victoria's widowed bestie? Will the non-problematic Most Likely Gay use the same time machine to travel to the winter Olympics in PyeongChang and go on a hot date with\u003ca href=\"http://instinctmagazine.com/sites/instinctmagazine.com/files/images/blog_posts/Karim%20Shah/2017/11/09/Screen%20Shot%202017-11-09%20at%205.59.01%20PM.png\"> not-engaged-to-a-woman, out-and-proud skier Gus Kenworthy\u003c/a>? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert are out and about in London at the same time as someone who's having difficulty walking. This someone promptly takes out a pistol and tries to shoot Victoria! Wow, so we're not wasting any time this week, I see.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So why did he do it? Maybe he's pissed about how the government let all those Irish people die. Or maybe he's disabled and peeved that there is no healthcare. Or maybe he tried to walk after his leg fell asleep and took out his aggravation over the clumsy pain of that on Victoria cause she was right there. Who knows?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What I do know for sure though is that Season 2 assassin has nothing on Season 1 assassin. Remember him? The one that has probably already been reincarnated and won a season of \u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em>? Just look at how he draped the fabric on his regicide-themed dress form!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"374\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-800x467.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-768x448.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-960x561.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-375x219.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-520x304.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria finds out they didn't manage to catch Season 2 Assassin, so she comes up with an ingenious plan: go back outside and wait for him to try shooting her in the face again! What could possibly go wrong?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert vehemently opposes the plan, until the Prime Minister explains the merits of \"flushing out\" the perpetrator. Albert immediately changes his tune because he loves flushing of all kinds after taking up toilets as a hobby last episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-love-toilet-time-elmo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101790\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-love-toilet-time-elmo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since bulletproof Escalades with those rims that keep spinning after the car has stopped haven't been invented yet, Victoria settles for another ride in her open-air carriage, armed with a chainmail umbrella. Not the safest, but pretty bad ass, I must say. I hope she starts carrying a walking stick that doubles as one of those spiked-ball-on-a-chain thingies. (Turns out those thingies are called \"flails.\" Cue \u003ca href=\"https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2015-02/1/20/enhanced/webdr08/enhanced-32005-1422840611-40.jpg?downsize=715:*&output-format=auto&output-quality=auto\">the More You Know star\u003c/a>!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101792 size-large\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1020x679.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"426\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1020x679.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1200x799.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1920x1278.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-1180x785.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-960x639.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-240x160.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-375x250.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flail-520x346.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Within moments, Season 2 Assassin reemerges (does he live in the park or something? ), tries to murder Victoria again, and is quickly apprehended. They didn't even need to flush twice to get rid of that piece of poo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flush-diving-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/flush-diving-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"280\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With that plot point all wrapped up in under three minutes, Victoria and the show's writers quickly realize that life without the threat of having one's head shot off is kind of boring. So Victoria yells \u003cem>Smell ya later, babies and infants I never hang out with!\u003c/em> in the direction of the nursery and heads off on a road trip to Scotland.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lets-go-girls-britney-crossroads.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lets-go-girls-britney-crossroads.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the way, Brunette Most Likely Gay starts yapping about his lady fiancé in front of his almost boyfriend again. WE GET IT! YOU'RE ENGAGED! NO HOMO ETC. GET SOME NEW MATERIAL!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/arnold-shut-up-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/arnold-shut-up-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When everyone arrives at the Scottish castle, they get a sneak peek of Season 1 Assassin's \u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em> finale collection:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1020x571.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1020x571.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1200x672.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1920x1075.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-1180x661.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/scotland-victoria-520x291.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of fashion, Victoria is trying out a new look:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-960x540.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat-520x293.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-hat.jpg 1440w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'll let the professionals judge this one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/heidi-project-runway.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101801\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/heidi-project-runway.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hideous.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hideous.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tim-gunn-6.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tim-gunn-6.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/busy-and-tacky-michael-kors.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101803 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/busy-and-tacky-michael-kors.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a long fishing scene in which nothing happens other than Victoria looking across the river, seeing two random girls, and thinking\u003cem> I wish I could be poor and regular too\u003c/em>, everyone decides to head back to the castle. Because Victoria seems to have a death wish this episode, she decides to go off into the wilderness with just Albert, who might know a lot about toilets, but not a thing about the geography of Scotland. Waze isn't going to get them out of this one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure enough they immediately get lost and a search party is dispatched. The Most Likely Gays decide to team up and look for them together. When they look over a cliff and don't see Victoria and Albert's mangled bodies on the rocks below, they decide they've looked hard enough and that it's time to talk about how Achilles and Patroclus were totally gay for each other. This is a good start. Now go find a waterfall and skinny dip again! The viewers (mainly me) demand a sequel!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-gay-waterfall.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101805\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-gay-waterfall.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Albert has gone from \u003cem>I have the best sense of direction!\u003c/em> to \u003cem>OMG we're going to die out here\u003c/em>. Who needs an assassin when your overconfident husband can get you killed, bullet-free? Albert makes Victoria ford a river and she almost falls off her horse. What's next? One of them dies of dysentery? (Shout out to all of us who played \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Oregon_Trail_(video_game)\">\u003cem>Oregon Trail\u003c/em>\u003c/a> in grade school!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Oregon-Trail.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101806\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Oregon-Trail.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, they find a house and get invited in. The owner obviously doesn't subscribe to \u003cem>US Weekly\u003c/em> because he doesn't recognize them. When Victoria busts in without saying hi and takes a seat by the fire, Scottish Dude says, \u003cem>Umm, excuse you! That's my chair!\u003c/em> I like this humbling moment for Victoria and Albert. Make them do chores!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you're a regular reader of this recap series, you know that I despise unnecessary \"downstairs\" plot lines. But there's finally one I deeply care about. Some babe in a kilt starts flirting with Babyface Maid, and then promptly makes out with her! If the Most Likely Gays refuse to tongue wrestle, I'll settle for this. Get it, girl!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/gross-kiss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101808\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/gross-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"570\" height=\"321\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Scottish Dude's place, Victoria and Albert are forced to do chores for the first time in their lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/chores-nicole-richie.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101809\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/chores-nicole-richie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>High off of learning how to dry dishes, darn socks, and drink plebeian booze, Victoria tells Albert she kind of doesn't want to be found. Back in the nursery, her three children have a message for their mom:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excuse-me-what-about-me-nicki-minaj.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101810\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excuse-me-what-about-me-nicki-minaj.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But they don't have to worry. The search party finds them and Victoria's hosts are like, \u003cem>Ohhhh, so that's why she was acting so entitled!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the Scottish castle, Blond Most Likely Gay excitedly shares the news of Victoria and Albert being found with Brunette Most Likely Gay. They celebrate by embracing for a long time!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/enchanted-excited-amy-adams.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101814\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/enchanted-excited-amy-adams.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"452\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then they pull apart and look at each other like they're about to explore the insides of each other's mouths!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excited.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101826\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But they don't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/god-i-want-a-donut-mindy-kaling.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101815\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/god-i-want-a-donut-mindy-kaling.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Victoria and Albert are brought back to the castle and applauded for surviving a few hours without being catered to by servants, Victoria debuts a new look to appease the \u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em> judges.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101827\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1020x573.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1020x573.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-800x450.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-768x432.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1200x674.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1920x1079.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-1180x663.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-960x540.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-240x135.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-375x211.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2018-02-11-at-12.30.21-PM-520x292.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/heidi-project-runway-clap.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101820 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/heidi-project-runway-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nina-like-it-project-runway.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101821\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nina-like-it-project-runway.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tim-gunn-excited.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101828\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/tim-gunn-excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/michael-kors-project-runway.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101819\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/michael-kors-project-runway.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the Most Likely Gays decide that hanging out with the servants will be one zillion times more fun than worshipping the Queen all evening, so they sneak away and twerk with the locals at a rave in the woods. The Duchess' niece watches from afar. I swear, little girl, don't you dare interrupt their love like you did back in episode 2. I will make more of these anti-you posters if I must.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98597\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1020x707.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1020x707.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-160x111.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-800x554.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-768x532.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1200x832.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1920x1331.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1180x818.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-960x665.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-240x166.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-375x260.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-520x360.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98596\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1020x1114.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"699\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1020x1114.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-160x175.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-800x873.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-768x838.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1099x1200.jpg 1099w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1920x2096.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1180x1288.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-960x1048.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-240x262.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-375x409.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-520x568.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, she keeps her distance and just stares at them like a weirdo. The boys dance with each other, and laugh, and talk about how wonderful midsummer evenings are, and then stand in front of a body of water, which reminds them of that time at the waterfall, and then THEY TOTALLY MAKE OUT!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-queen-broad-city.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101822\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-queen-broad-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"469\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/its-so-beautiful.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101823\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/its-so-beautiful.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-excited-crying-happy-tears-antm.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-excited-crying-happy-tears-antm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"385\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/colbert-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101816\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/colbert-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"376\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, back at the forest rave, Babyface Maid has let her hair down (literally) and is having her own sexy time with Kilt Babe. But, when he asks if he may write erotic letters to her, she declines because she almost dated Hot Italian Chef approximately one thousand years ago. Um, Babyface Maid, Victoria has had like 13 kids since then. Live your life!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the castle, Victoria's widowed bestie finally holds hands with Ernst because, if everyone else is hooking up, she might as well too. Who knew Scotland was such an aphrodisiac? Viagra who?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because sexy times must eventually come to an end, everyone returns to the dreariness of London. Albert mopes around, wishing he could be anonymous and poor again. Victoria is like, \u003cem>I know, me too! But we'll just have to take one for the team and live in a palace for free and get everything we want. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Every actual poor person living at the time:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, after opening Parliament, Victoria comes home, throws her cape, sash, and fancy gloves on the ground in the middle of the hallway (don't worry, someone else will pick it all up) and meets Albert by the fire, where they role play as their poor Scottish hosts. They grill fish in the fireplace and darn socks and giggle at how fun not wearing garments one time only and actually having to repair them is. Poverty is so cozy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again, every actual poor person:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Season 2 Assassin. \u003c/strong>At least the last guy had a knack for designing women's wear. Downgrade!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Kilt Babe. \u003c/strong>He's hot. Sometimes, that's enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: The Duchess of Buccleuch. \u003c/strong>For startling everyone by forcefully pronouncing the first syllable of cock-a-leekie soup.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: The Scotland Tourism Bureau. \u003c/strong>Congrats on convincing all of us to visit. See y'all at the sock darning workshop!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: The Most Likely Gays.\u003c/strong> I didn't think they ever would get to second base. I'm glad I was wrong! But let's be real: the writers are probably going to kill one of them off because LGBT people usually don't get to enjoy happy endings in TV and movies, so let's celebrate them while we can.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People",
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"content": "\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"l9N3FI3K0vd1X18rdMBt45JcTZRvD0tR\"]In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/01/28/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Albert had a meltdown about everyone being a whore and wearing too much makeup, Victoria got knocked up for what feels like the 19th time, and the Most Likely Gays finally saw each other naked. Will Albert's next pet project be inventing makeup remover wipes? Will Victoria hate her new baby for looking like an amphibian again, or will she find a different reason? Will the Most Likely Gays join a nudist colony so they can hang out naked all the time without homophobes sending them to jail? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While people in Ireland drop like flies due to famine, Victoria and Albert are feeling a bit full from breakfast as they listen to a sermon about plagues in Egypt circa Moses. Did they manage to glean anything from this Biblical tale that might help those who are starving to death? NOPE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Ugh, why does the priest have to be such a downer!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>What's there to be down about? Peasants and plague are part of God's will. Not our problem!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. Nice knowing ya, Irish people!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That afternoon, while on a walk, Victoria and Albert run into Ernst. \"Could it really be you?!\" Yes, Victoria. It's really him. He literally shows up in every single episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst has been spending time in Baden-Baden, a German spa town, on the recommendation of his doctors. \"I enjoyed myself perhaps a little too much in Paris.\" Oooo, you know what that means! Gimme an S, gimme a Y, gimme a P, H, I, L, I, S!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/at-least-not-herpes-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101631\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/at-least-not-herpes-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, while putting away Ernst's belongings, a servant accidentally spills a bunch of white powder from his suitcase. Turns out it's mercury chloride, a poison that people back in the day decided was a remedy for syphilis. Spoiler: it wasn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/poison-bottle-winking.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101630\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/poison-bottle-winking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Ireland, a bunch of important men meet to discuss what they should do about the potato famine. The quick consensus is: absolutely nothing! A man named Dr. Traill dissents: \u003cem>Um, letting millions die just 'cause they're poor and Catholic is kinda evil. Maybe we shouldn't do that?\u003c/em> Everyone laughs at him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are you dying to know what Prince Albert's new pet project for this episode is going to be?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*crickets*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, I'll tell you anyway!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He wants to ..... *drumroll* ..... modernize the palace sewer system!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yay1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101635\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yay1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"381\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Already-Bored.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Already-Bored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"350\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In another tedious storyline no one asked for, a random American woman tries to convince Hot Italian Chef to release a cookbook. How did we go from last week's exciting naked waterfall action to this mundanity? If we can't get more skinny dipping, at least give us a scene starring Dash's ghost. Throw us a bone, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers! (Pun absolutely intended.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Without his poison... I mean, medicine, Ernst's syphilis is raging. He seeks out a new doctor, who has an even better remedy than mercury chloride powder. A steam room full of mercury vapor!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It does not go well:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101637\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-simpsons.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, sorry to bug y'all again, but if I was part of creating this scene, I would have included a cameo of a young, futuristic-speedo-wearing, slightly unhinged Sting:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-sting.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-sting.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And / or the aforementioned ghost of Dash:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-dog.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101636\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-dog.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I have plenty more ideas where these came from. Call me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Ireland, things are getting worse and Dr. Traill seems to be the only one who cares. When he tells his wife that he found a dead mother surrounded by five orphaned children, her response is: \u003cem>Ewwww, she was Catholic?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yikes! Dial down the evil just a smidge.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/ross-friends-dial-it-down-gif-quiet-hands-gesture.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101647\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/ross-friends-dial-it-down-gif-quiet-hands-gesture.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Days later, Victoria comes across an impassioned letter Dr. Traill wrote to a newspaper editor and brings up its shocking contents (corpses in the street!) to the Prime Minister. Before he can react, some random jerk we've never met mansplains why it's actually a good thing that the Irish are dying in mass numbers (population control is nifty, you see!). He also shares these bigoted gems: \"The Irish as a race are prone to exaggeration\" and \"The Irish like to imbibe at funerals. Perhaps that is why they are incapable of digging a decent grave.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excuse-me-drag-race-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101640\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excuse-me-drag-race-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/internally-outraged-drake-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/internally-outraged-drake-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down the hall, the Most Likely Gays run into each other, but hold your applause. There is a 0% chance of them getting into an sexy fun this time around 'cause the brown-haired one's energy has switched decidedly to no homo. Since video footage doesn't exist in this time period, quick, someone paint the waterfall scene from last episode and show him that, just a few days ago, he was very much in a yes homo state of mind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/youre-gay-nicole-richie-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101641\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/youre-gay-nicole-richie-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"221\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make matters worse, Brunette Most Likely Gay is siding with the Prime Minister about not wanting to send money or resources to all the dying Irish people. Because he isn't a monster, Blond Most Likely Gay is appalled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-dont-like-you-anymore-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101642\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-dont-like-you-anymore-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if this wasn't enough to really spoil the mood, Brunette Most Likely Gay decides to be sexist about Victoria wanting to prevent millions of people from dying:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Brunette:\u003c/strong> \"Women are so damn emotional!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blond: \"\u003c/strong>Women like your fiancé?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Brunette:\u003c/strong> \"She's insisting on setting the date right in the middle of the session... Sorry. You don't want to hear about that, do you? Goodbye.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nice-knowing-you-traitor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101643\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nice-knowing-you-traitor.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, an Irish maid is distraught about her family back home and asks for a wage advance to help them out. The head butler, who turns more into a Disney villain every episode, responds with a \u003cem>Muahahaha, never!\u003c/em> This would be a great time for Dash's ghost to materialize and bite this dude's face off. Instead, we get a heartwarming scene of Hot Italian Chef giving Irish Maid his fancy gold pocket watch to sell.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38389\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"357\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After receiving a letter from the Queen asking to hang out, Dr. Traill heads to London, where he sees tons of food being exported to other countries. And none for Ireland, bye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/none-for-gretchen-wieners-bye-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/none-for-gretchen-wieners-bye-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upon meeting the Queen, he promptly asks: \u003cem>Uhhhh, what the hell??\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/wheres-the-food.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101654\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/wheres-the-food.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before she can attempt to explain, Albert comes in and regurgitates a Facebook post he skimmed once about how the Irish rely too heavily on one crop, so it's okay that they're all dying. Dr. Traill weighs uppercutting him versus calmly explaining how ignorant he is. Unfortunately, he settles on option B.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hit-him-in-the-crotch.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101649\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hit-him-in-the-crotch.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"560\" height=\"292\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After her talk with Dr. Traill, Victoria holds up her new baby (who has apparently already been born even though she was just a cluster of cells at the end of the last episode) and asks the Prime Minister to think of the innocent Irish children. It seems to work, which I'm happy about... but I'm way happier that the show decided to spare us from having to watch another entire pregnancy and labor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48202\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few boring news bulletins for you lumped into one 'cause I can't even pretend to care: Albert installed a working toilet in the basement! Hot Italian Chef decided not to publish the cookbook! Victoria's bestie that Ernst had a thing for is now a widow, but Ernst can't have sex with her 'cause of his STD!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I do kind of care about that last one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/popcorn-steph-curry-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/popcorn-steph-curry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back home, Dr. Traill tells his wife he intends to use their house as a soup kitchen. She hates this idea and threatens to leave him and never come back because she's the absolute worst. He decides that would be okay with him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/bye-nene-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101651\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/bye-nene-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Abandoned by his bigoted wife and peers, Dr. Traill puts all his energy into giving the needy what little food he can scrounge up. Things are starting to look up! And then he drops dead of typhus fever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jennifer-lawrence-what-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101655\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jennifer-lawrence-what-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"246\" height=\"199\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Basically Everyone. \u003c/strong>Dr. Traill's friends. Dr. Traill's wife. Brunette Most Likely Gay. The Prime Minister and his entire party. The head butler. Albert. All of them deserve to be flushed down the palace's new toilet into a poop-filled sewer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Blond Most Likely Gay. \u003c/strong>Hopefully reincarnation is real so that he gets to come back a few centuries later and use an app to find the gay love he deserves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef. \u003c/strong>Good on him for giving away his favorite fancy possession to make the world a better place. And another good on him for not putting out that cookbook, thus avoiding having to do one of those painful daytime TV segments where a celebrity chef is forced to make seven dishes in two minutes while being interrupted by a wine-drunk Kathy Lee Gifford.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Irish Maid. \u003c/strong>This award is my way of saying sorry about her circumstances, and also sorry for never mentioning her in other recaps because I found her very boring. My bad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Dr. Traill. \u003c/strong>Way to drag your ass on the way to justice, arc of the moral universe.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>R.I.P. buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This week's episode was about the potato famine, so you probably need a laugh or two right about now. This recap has your back!",
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"description": "This week's episode was about the potato famine, so you probably need a laugh or two right about now. This recap has your back!",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/01/28/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Albert had a meltdown about everyone being a whore and wearing too much makeup, Victoria got knocked up for what feels like the 19th time, and the Most Likely Gays finally saw each other naked. Will Albert's next pet project be inventing makeup remover wipes? Will Victoria hate her new baby for looking like an amphibian again, or will she find a different reason? Will the Most Likely Gays join a nudist colony so they can hang out naked all the time without homophobes sending them to jail? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While people in Ireland drop like flies due to famine, Victoria and Albert are feeling a bit full from breakfast as they listen to a sermon about plagues in Egypt circa Moses. Did they manage to glean anything from this Biblical tale that might help those who are starving to death? NOPE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Ugh, why does the priest have to be such a downer!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>What's there to be down about? Peasants and plague are part of God's will. Not our problem!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. Nice knowing ya, Irish people!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That afternoon, while on a walk, Victoria and Albert run into Ernst. \"Could it really be you?!\" Yes, Victoria. It's really him. He literally shows up in every single episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst has been spending time in Baden-Baden, a German spa town, on the recommendation of his doctors. \"I enjoyed myself perhaps a little too much in Paris.\" Oooo, you know what that means! Gimme an S, gimme a Y, gimme a P, H, I, L, I, S!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/at-least-not-herpes-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101631\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/at-least-not-herpes-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, while putting away Ernst's belongings, a servant accidentally spills a bunch of white powder from his suitcase. Turns out it's mercury chloride, a poison that people back in the day decided was a remedy for syphilis. Spoiler: it wasn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/poison-bottle-winking.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101630\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/poison-bottle-winking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Ireland, a bunch of important men meet to discuss what they should do about the potato famine. The quick consensus is: absolutely nothing! A man named Dr. Traill dissents: \u003cem>Um, letting millions die just 'cause they're poor and Catholic is kinda evil. Maybe we shouldn't do that?\u003c/em> Everyone laughs at him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are you dying to know what Prince Albert's new pet project for this episode is going to be?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*crickets*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, I'll tell you anyway!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He wants to ..... *drumroll* ..... modernize the palace sewer system!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yay1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101635\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yay1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"381\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Already-Bored.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Already-Bored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"350\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In another tedious storyline no one asked for, a random American woman tries to convince Hot Italian Chef to release a cookbook. How did we go from last week's exciting naked waterfall action to this mundanity? If we can't get more skinny dipping, at least give us a scene starring Dash's ghost. Throw us a bone, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers! (Pun absolutely intended.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Without his poison... I mean, medicine, Ernst's syphilis is raging. He seeks out a new doctor, who has an even better remedy than mercury chloride powder. A steam room full of mercury vapor!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It does not go well:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101637\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-simpsons.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, sorry to bug y'all again, but if I was part of creating this scene, I would have included a cameo of a young, futuristic-speedo-wearing, slightly unhinged Sting:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-sting.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-sting.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And / or the aforementioned ghost of Dash:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-dog.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101636\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/steam-room-dog.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I have plenty more ideas where these came from. Call me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Ireland, things are getting worse and Dr. Traill seems to be the only one who cares. When he tells his wife that he found a dead mother surrounded by five orphaned children, her response is: \u003cem>Ewwww, she was Catholic?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yikes! Dial down the evil just a smidge.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/ross-friends-dial-it-down-gif-quiet-hands-gesture.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101647\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/ross-friends-dial-it-down-gif-quiet-hands-gesture.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Days later, Victoria comes across an impassioned letter Dr. Traill wrote to a newspaper editor and brings up its shocking contents (corpses in the street!) to the Prime Minister. Before he can react, some random jerk we've never met mansplains why it's actually a good thing that the Irish are dying in mass numbers (population control is nifty, you see!). He also shares these bigoted gems: \"The Irish as a race are prone to exaggeration\" and \"The Irish like to imbibe at funerals. Perhaps that is why they are incapable of digging a decent grave.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excuse-me-drag-race-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101640\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excuse-me-drag-race-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/internally-outraged-drake-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/internally-outraged-drake-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down the hall, the Most Likely Gays run into each other, but hold your applause. There is a 0% chance of them getting into an sexy fun this time around 'cause the brown-haired one's energy has switched decidedly to no homo. Since video footage doesn't exist in this time period, quick, someone paint the waterfall scene from last episode and show him that, just a few days ago, he was very much in a yes homo state of mind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/youre-gay-nicole-richie-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101641\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/youre-gay-nicole-richie-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"221\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make matters worse, Brunette Most Likely Gay is siding with the Prime Minister about not wanting to send money or resources to all the dying Irish people. Because he isn't a monster, Blond Most Likely Gay is appalled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-dont-like-you-anymore-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101642\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-dont-like-you-anymore-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if this wasn't enough to really spoil the mood, Brunette Most Likely Gay decides to be sexist about Victoria wanting to prevent millions of people from dying:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Brunette:\u003c/strong> \"Women are so damn emotional!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blond: \"\u003c/strong>Women like your fiancé?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Brunette:\u003c/strong> \"She's insisting on setting the date right in the middle of the session... Sorry. You don't want to hear about that, do you? Goodbye.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nice-knowing-you-traitor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101643\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nice-knowing-you-traitor.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, an Irish maid is distraught about her family back home and asks for a wage advance to help them out. The head butler, who turns more into a Disney villain every episode, responds with a \u003cem>Muahahaha, never!\u003c/em> This would be a great time for Dash's ghost to materialize and bite this dude's face off. Instead, we get a heartwarming scene of Hot Italian Chef giving Irish Maid his fancy gold pocket watch to sell.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38389\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"357\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After receiving a letter from the Queen asking to hang out, Dr. Traill heads to London, where he sees tons of food being exported to other countries. And none for Ireland, bye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/none-for-gretchen-wieners-bye-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/none-for-gretchen-wieners-bye-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upon meeting the Queen, he promptly asks: \u003cem>Uhhhh, what the hell??\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/wheres-the-food.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101654\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/wheres-the-food.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before she can attempt to explain, Albert comes in and regurgitates a Facebook post he skimmed once about how the Irish rely too heavily on one crop, so it's okay that they're all dying. Dr. Traill weighs uppercutting him versus calmly explaining how ignorant he is. Unfortunately, he settles on option B.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hit-him-in-the-crotch.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101649\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hit-him-in-the-crotch.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"560\" height=\"292\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After her talk with Dr. Traill, Victoria holds up her new baby (who has apparently already been born even though she was just a cluster of cells at the end of the last episode) and asks the Prime Minister to think of the innocent Irish children. It seems to work, which I'm happy about... but I'm way happier that the show decided to spare us from having to watch another entire pregnancy and labor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48202\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few boring news bulletins for you lumped into one 'cause I can't even pretend to care: Albert installed a working toilet in the basement! Hot Italian Chef decided not to publish the cookbook! Victoria's bestie that Ernst had a thing for is now a widow, but Ernst can't have sex with her 'cause of his STD!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I do kind of care about that last one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/popcorn-steph-curry-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/popcorn-steph-curry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back home, Dr. Traill tells his wife he intends to use their house as a soup kitchen. She hates this idea and threatens to leave him and never come back because she's the absolute worst. He decides that would be okay with him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/bye-nene-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101651\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/bye-nene-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Abandoned by his bigoted wife and peers, Dr. Traill puts all his energy into giving the needy what little food he can scrounge up. Things are starting to look up! And then he drops dead of typhus fever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jennifer-lawrence-what-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101655\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jennifer-lawrence-what-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"246\" height=\"199\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Basically Everyone. \u003c/strong>Dr. Traill's friends. Dr. Traill's wife. Brunette Most Likely Gay. The Prime Minister and his entire party. The head butler. Albert. All of them deserve to be flushed down the palace's new toilet into a poop-filled sewer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Blond Most Likely Gay. \u003c/strong>Hopefully reincarnation is real so that he gets to come back a few centuries later and use an app to find the gay love he deserves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef. \u003c/strong>Good on him for giving away his favorite fancy possession to make the world a better place. And another good on him for not putting out that cookbook, thus avoiding having to do one of those painful daytime TV segments where a celebrity chef is forced to make seven dishes in two minutes while being interrupted by a wine-drunk Kathy Lee Gifford.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Irish Maid. \u003c/strong>This award is my way of saying sorry about her circumstances, and also sorry for never mentioning her in other recaps because I found her very boring. My bad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Dr. Traill. \u003c/strong>Way to drag your ass on the way to justice, arc of the moral universe.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>R.I.P. buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues",
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"content": "\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"l9N3FI3K0vd1X18rdMBt45JcTZRvD0tR\"]In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/01/22/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Albert found out his uncle might actually be his dad, one of the Most Likely Gays got engaged to a human woman, and, oh yeah, DASH DIED! Will Albert keep processing his incestuous family's twisted revelations by getting so drunk he hallucinates elves? Will society pause on all the homophobia long enough to allow the Most Likely Gays to skip that whole being-miserable-in-the-closet-for-a-lifetime thing and just live happily ever after? Will Dash rise on the third day and bark, \u003cem>Just kidding! Nothing this cute could ever die!\u003c/em>? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find Victoria and the Prime Minister with very concerned looks on their faces. Over the widening gulf between the classes and the rising rates of poverty and starvation? Not so much. They're miffed about the king of France wanting to marry his son to the queen of Spain. Because she's underage and the match is being made against her will? Again, not so much. They simply don't want the French creating an empire across Europe using marriage; only Victoria's family should get to do that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hypocrisy-meter-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hypocrisy-meter-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"295\" height=\"289\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert is so upset about Uncle Leopold probably being Daddy Leopold that, for once, he doesn't chime in with his unsolicited opinion. That's never happened before!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He tries to calm down by going into the next room to sketch his own face (naturally), but soon realizes he hates all of his features because they're the same as Leopold's! (Um, my dude, your entire family is related to itself, so this was always true.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Being the mature adult that he is, Albert proceeds to pour an entire ink bottle onto his sketch and all over the table. Sure, it's weird that your uncle boinked your mom, but don't take it out on the antique desk! Who's going to clean all this up?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/spill-coke-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98821\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/spill-coke-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"214\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(Spoiler: probably one of the impoverished servants.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria is writing in her journal, which is resting on HER PREGNANT STOMACH?!?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98822\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1020x666.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"418\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1020x666.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-160x105.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-800x523.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-768x502.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1200x784.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1920x1255.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1180x771.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-960x627.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-240x157.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-375x245.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-520x340.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it.jpg 2014w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ohhhh, nevermind! She had her knees up. Phew! I really just need a single episode where she's not knocked up, okay? We've been through that storyline enough for now, thank you very much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, it's decided that Victoria doesn't want to simply butt into France and Spain's matchmaking via letter; she'd rather mind other's people's business up close and in person. With an invite list that includes both the Most Likely Gays (oooooh la la!) and a little purse with Dash embroidered on it (awwww la la!), they make their way to France.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upon arriving, the French king kisses Victoria on both cheeks (oh mon dieu!). In the coach to the chateau, the Duchess of Buccleuch shares how much she hated that the king put his lips all over the queen as if she were just some washwoman. The topic of making out is enough to get the Most Likely Gays heart-eyeing each other again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1020x591.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"371\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1020x591.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-800x464.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-768x445.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1200x696.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1920x1113.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1180x684.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-960x557.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-240x139.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-375x217.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-520x301.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1020x664.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"417\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1020x664.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-160x104.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-800x521.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-768x500.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1200x782.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1920x1251.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1180x769.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-960x625.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-240x156.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-375x244.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-520x339.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is very much taken with the weird bright orb in the sky they have here in France. Everyone's seasonal affective disorder clears right up. \u003cem>Let's never go back to that damp sadness we call a country\u003c/em>, everyone agrees.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait! Hold up! Hit pause on the Let's-Ditch-England-For-France's-Marginally-Better-Weather plan because these people are *French R pronunciation* RRHUDE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Case in point:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98827\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1020x733.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"460\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1020x733.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-160x115.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-800x575.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-768x552.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1200x862.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1920x1379.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1180x848.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-960x690.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-240x172.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-375x269.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-520x374.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What exactly is your problem, miss? Dash was supremely beautiful and deserves to be commemorated not only via embroidered bags, but also via face tattoos. Comment dit-on \"HOW DARE YOU!\" en français?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside the chateau, Albert realizes he is way too much of a prude for the French aesthetic. \"This painting! 'Tis not to my taste!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98828\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1020x578.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"363\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1020x578.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-160x91.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-800x454.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-768x436.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1200x681.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1920x1089.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1180x669.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-960x544.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-240x136.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-375x213.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-520x295.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Translation: He hates big butts and he cannot lie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's bedroom, Victoria is feeling insecure about being the only woman in the country without three inches of makeup caked on. Babyface Maid gets the lowdown on all the products the women in France use: rouge, eyeliner, boob cream, and a creepy mask that secures hunks of veal to one's face. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's raw meat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/meat-mask.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98829\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/meat-mask.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria makes a grand makeup-to-the-max entrance:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98830\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"268\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, because there's a handful of gussied-up women present, Ernst magically appears out of nowhere to say, \u003cem>Woah, Victoria! You look like a whore! I love it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At dinner, all the rich people eat tiny baby chicks because PETA doesn't exist yet to make them feel bad about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down the table, the Oh C'mon Just Be Gays are inspired by a towering phallic dessert...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98834\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1020x817.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"513\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1020x817.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-160x128.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-800x641.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-768x615.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1200x961.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1920x1538.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1180x945.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-960x769.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-240x192.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-375x300.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-520x417.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1.jpg 2002w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98832\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1020x619.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1020x619.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-800x485.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-768x466.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1200x728.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1920x1165.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1180x716.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-960x583.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-240x146.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-375x228.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-520x316.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and non-subtly flirt a bit:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blond Most Likely Gay:\u003c/strong> \"I'm prepared to be led into temptation. What about you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Brunette Most Likely Gay:\u003c/strong> \"I think to refuse such a creation might cause a diplomatic incident.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT DESSERT! THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT GETTING NAKED TOGETHER! JUST DO IT™!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Albert decides to fit in a tantrum before bedtime over how artificial, deceitful, vulgar, and impure the French are. \u003cem>They're all ginormous whores! Why can't they all wear chastity belts?! Why did my mom have to sleep with my uncle?! Waaaaahhhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/baby-cry-mask.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98835\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/baby-cry-mask.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"352\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert then cries over how sad Victoria's new makeup makes him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie-drag.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98836\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie-drag.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He pleads: \"Please never do it again! I do not know if I could bear it!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>YEESH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can you imagine being married to a man that has an emotional breakdown every time you put colored lip balm on?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dump-him-latrice.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98837\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dump-him-latrice.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert lectures his slutty brother Ernst on how he should keep it in his pants. Ernst is like, \u003cem>HA! AS IF! You realize I've already contracted syphilis at least nine times, right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like Albert, the Duchess of Buccleuch is also being a terrible killjoy. She hates all the rampant seduction going on, and don't get her started on the phallic food!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98839\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-1020x1236.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"776\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-1020x1236.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-160x194.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-800x970.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-768x931.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-990x1200.jpg 990w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-1180x1430.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-960x1164.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-240x291.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-375x455.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-520x630.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread.jpg 1330w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of phalluses, while on a walk with Albert, the Most Likely Gays decide to TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES AND GO SKINNY DIPPING TOGETHER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This totally sounds like one of my exaggerated jokes, but it's not!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Look!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98840\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1020x746.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"468\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1020x746.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-160x117.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-800x585.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-768x561.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1200x877.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1920x1403.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1180x862.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-960x702.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-240x175.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-375x274.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-520x380.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98843\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1020x666.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"418\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1020x666.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-160x104.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-800x522.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-768x501.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1200x783.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1920x1253.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1180x770.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-960x627.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-240x157.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-375x245.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-520x339.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98844\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1020x719.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"451\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1020x719.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-160x113.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-800x564.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-768x541.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1200x846.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1920x1353.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1180x832.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-960x677.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-240x169.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-375x264.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-520x367.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98847\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1020x691.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"434\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1020x691.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-160x108.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-800x542.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-768x520.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1200x813.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1920x1301.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1180x800.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-960x651.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-240x163.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-375x254.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-520x352.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1020x605.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1020x605.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-160x95.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-800x474.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-768x455.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1200x712.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1920x1139.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1180x700.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-960x569.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-240x142.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-375x222.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-520x308.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98842\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1020x838.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1020x838.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-160x131.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-800x657.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-768x631.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1200x986.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1920x1577.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1180x969.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-960x789.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-240x197.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-375x308.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-520x427.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt.jpg 1960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98855\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-1020x1185.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"744\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-1020x1185.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-160x186.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-800x929.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-768x892.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-1033x1200.jpg 1033w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-1180x1371.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-960x1115.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-240x279.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-375x436.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-520x604.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm.jpg 1374w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98854\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-1020x1081.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"678\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-1020x1081.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-160x170.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-800x848.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-768x814.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-1133x1200.jpg 1133w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-1180x1250.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-960x1017.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-240x254.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-375x397.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-520x551.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye.jpg 1510w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My feelings on this scene can best be described by the following:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/give.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98851\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/give.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"408\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/praise-god-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98852 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/praise-god-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Albert finally tells Victoria about his daddy issues. She's like, \u003cem>You know what'll make you feel better? Meddling in the life of an underage Spanish queen! \u003c/em>They go downstairs and tag-team negotiate with the French king. All parties agree that they won't try to make the Spanish queen marry one of their relatives. Cool. Glad they decided that without any consideration for what the queen actually wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following week, Victoria and Albert are back in England, still enjoying the residual vacay vibes and going over their successful Instagram posts from France.\u003cem> Look, Albert! This one of you swimming completely naked with the Most Likely Gays got 100 likes!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All is well until news breaks that the French king totally played them. His son is now engaged to the Spanish queen. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert feels duped and betrayed, but Victoria sees a silver lining: at least they worked as a team for once and got schooled together! Isn't that romantic?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also, with the Uncle/Daddy Leopold drama out of the bag, they have no secrets between them. Well, except for one, she cheekily says, before revealing that she is once again pregnant.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-fucking-kidding-me-bridesmaids.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39749\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-fucking-kidding-me-bridesmaids.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-please-god-no-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97254\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-please-god-no-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wendy-cant.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98856\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wendy-cant.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"148\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>He needs to stop policing other people's sex lives. He also needs to stop having meltdowns over whether Victoria wants to put on lipgloss or not. But most of all, he needs to stop being so damn fertile!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL: Rude French Rando Who Had the Audacity to Make Fun of the Dash Purse.\u003c/strong> I never forget a slight against my favorite pooch. Someone dust off and roll out the guillotine!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Duchess of Buccleuch. \u003c/strong>Sure, she was a wet blanket the entire trip, but I agree with her on one count: French food sucks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: The Queen of Spain. \u003c/strong>Poor girl can't even have any fun \u003cem>Sex and the City\u003c/em>-esque single adventures before people she's never met chain her to some old random foreign dude who will just knock her up and cheat on her behind her back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: That Waterfall Lake. \u003c/strong>Thanks for existing in the right place at the right time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: The Most Likely Gays. \u003c/strong>They didn't make out, but this was maybe better?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "The gang heads to France, where Albert has a meltdown over what a whore everyone is. But that doesn't stop some naked action from taking place in a waterfall (dieu merci)!",
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"description": "The gang heads to France, where Albert has a meltdown over what a whore everyone is. But that doesn't stop some naked action from taking place in a waterfall (dieu merci)!",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues | KQED",
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"headline": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues",
"datePublished": "2018-01-28T17:55:54-08:00",
"dateModified": "2019-03-03T17:48:14-08:00",
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"slug": "victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/01/22/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Albert found out his uncle might actually be his dad, one of the Most Likely Gays got engaged to a human woman, and, oh yeah, DASH DIED! Will Albert keep processing his incestuous family's twisted revelations by getting so drunk he hallucinates elves? Will society pause on all the homophobia long enough to allow the Most Likely Gays to skip that whole being-miserable-in-the-closet-for-a-lifetime thing and just live happily ever after? Will Dash rise on the third day and bark, \u003cem>Just kidding! Nothing this cute could ever die!\u003c/em>? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find Victoria and the Prime Minister with very concerned looks on their faces. Over the widening gulf between the classes and the rising rates of poverty and starvation? Not so much. They're miffed about the king of France wanting to marry his son to the queen of Spain. Because she's underage and the match is being made against her will? Again, not so much. They simply don't want the French creating an empire across Europe using marriage; only Victoria's family should get to do that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hypocrisy-meter-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hypocrisy-meter-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"295\" height=\"289\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert is so upset about Uncle Leopold probably being Daddy Leopold that, for once, he doesn't chime in with his unsolicited opinion. That's never happened before!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He tries to calm down by going into the next room to sketch his own face (naturally), but soon realizes he hates all of his features because they're the same as Leopold's! (Um, my dude, your entire family is related to itself, so this was always true.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Being the mature adult that he is, Albert proceeds to pour an entire ink bottle onto his sketch and all over the table. Sure, it's weird that your uncle boinked your mom, but don't take it out on the antique desk! Who's going to clean all this up?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/spill-coke-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98821\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/spill-coke-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"214\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(Spoiler: probably one of the impoverished servants.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria is writing in her journal, which is resting on HER PREGNANT STOMACH?!?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98822\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1020x666.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"418\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1020x666.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-160x105.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-800x523.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-768x502.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1200x784.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1920x1255.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-1180x771.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-960x627.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-240x157.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-375x245.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it-520x340.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stop-it.jpg 2014w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ohhhh, nevermind! She had her knees up. Phew! I really just need a single episode where she's not knocked up, okay? We've been through that storyline enough for now, thank you very much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, it's decided that Victoria doesn't want to simply butt into France and Spain's matchmaking via letter; she'd rather mind other's people's business up close and in person. With an invite list that includes both the Most Likely Gays (oooooh la la!) and a little purse with Dash embroidered on it (awwww la la!), they make their way to France.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upon arriving, the French king kisses Victoria on both cheeks (oh mon dieu!). In the coach to the chateau, the Duchess of Buccleuch shares how much she hated that the king put his lips all over the queen as if she were just some washwoman. The topic of making out is enough to get the Most Likely Gays heart-eyeing each other again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1020x591.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"371\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1020x591.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-800x464.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-768x445.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1200x696.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1920x1113.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-1180x684.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-960x557.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-240x139.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-375x217.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-2-520x301.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1020x664.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"417\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1020x664.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-160x104.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-800x521.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-768x500.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1200x782.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1920x1251.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-1180x769.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-960x625.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-240x156.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-375x244.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-1-520x339.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is very much taken with the weird bright orb in the sky they have here in France. Everyone's seasonal affective disorder clears right up. \u003cem>Let's never go back to that damp sadness we call a country\u003c/em>, everyone agrees.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait! Hold up! Hit pause on the Let's-Ditch-England-For-France's-Marginally-Better-Weather plan because these people are *French R pronunciation* RRHUDE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Case in point:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98827\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1020x733.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"460\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1020x733.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-160x115.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-800x575.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-768x552.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1200x862.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1920x1379.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-1180x848.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-960x690.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-240x172.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-375x269.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/ONSD-520x374.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What exactly is your problem, miss? Dash was supremely beautiful and deserves to be commemorated not only via embroidered bags, but also via face tattoos. Comment dit-on \"HOW DARE YOU!\" en français?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside the chateau, Albert realizes he is way too much of a prude for the French aesthetic. \"This painting! 'Tis not to my taste!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98828\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1020x578.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"363\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1020x578.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-160x91.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-800x454.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-768x436.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1200x681.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1920x1089.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-1180x669.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-960x544.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-240x136.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-375x213.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-art-520x295.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Translation: He hates big butts and he cannot lie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's bedroom, Victoria is feeling insecure about being the only woman in the country without three inches of makeup caked on. Babyface Maid gets the lowdown on all the products the women in France use: rouge, eyeliner, boob cream, and a creepy mask that secures hunks of veal to one's face. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's raw meat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/meat-mask.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98829\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/meat-mask.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria makes a grand makeup-to-the-max entrance:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98830\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"268\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, because there's a handful of gussied-up women present, Ernst magically appears out of nowhere to say, \u003cem>Woah, Victoria! You look like a whore! I love it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At dinner, all the rich people eat tiny baby chicks because PETA doesn't exist yet to make them feel bad about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down the table, the Oh C'mon Just Be Gays are inspired by a towering phallic dessert...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98834\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1020x817.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"513\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1020x817.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-160x128.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-800x641.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-768x615.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1200x961.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1920x1538.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-1180x945.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-960x769.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-240x192.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-375x300.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1-520x417.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1.jpg 2002w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98832\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1020x619.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1020x619.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-800x485.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-768x466.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1200x728.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1920x1165.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-1180x716.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-960x583.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-240x146.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-375x228.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Blonde-520x316.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and non-subtly flirt a bit:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blond Most Likely Gay:\u003c/strong> \"I'm prepared to be led into temptation. What about you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Brunette Most Likely Gay:\u003c/strong> \"I think to refuse such a creation might cause a diplomatic incident.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT DESSERT! THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT GETTING NAKED TOGETHER! JUST DO IT™!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Albert decides to fit in a tantrum before bedtime over how artificial, deceitful, vulgar, and impure the French are. \u003cem>They're all ginormous whores! Why can't they all wear chastity belts?! Why did my mom have to sleep with my uncle?! Waaaaahhhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/baby-cry-mask.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98835\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/baby-cry-mask.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"352\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert then cries over how sad Victoria's new makeup makes him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie-drag.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98836\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie-drag.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He pleads: \"Please never do it again! I do not know if I could bear it!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>YEESH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can you imagine being married to a man that has an emotional breakdown every time you put colored lip balm on?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dump-him-latrice.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98837\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dump-him-latrice.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert lectures his slutty brother Ernst on how he should keep it in his pants. Ernst is like, \u003cem>HA! AS IF! You realize I've already contracted syphilis at least nine times, right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like Albert, the Duchess of Buccleuch is also being a terrible killjoy. She hates all the rampant seduction going on, and don't get her started on the phallic food!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98839\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-1020x1236.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"776\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-1020x1236.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-160x194.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-800x970.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-768x931.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-990x1200.jpg 990w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-1180x1430.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-960x1164.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-240x291.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-375x455.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread-520x630.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/victoria-bread.jpg 1330w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of phalluses, while on a walk with Albert, the Most Likely Gays decide to TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES AND GO SKINNY DIPPING TOGETHER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This totally sounds like one of my exaggerated jokes, but it's not!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Look!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98840\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1020x746.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"468\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1020x746.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-160x117.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-800x585.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-768x561.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1200x877.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1920x1403.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-1180x862.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-960x702.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-240x175.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-375x274.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wink-520x380.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98843\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1020x666.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"418\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1020x666.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-160x104.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-800x522.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-768x501.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1200x783.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1920x1253.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-1180x770.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-960x627.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-240x157.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-375x245.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/take-it-off-520x339.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98844\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1020x719.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"451\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1020x719.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-160x113.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-800x564.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-768x541.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1200x846.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1920x1353.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-1180x832.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-960x677.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-240x169.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-375x264.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yes-520x367.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98847\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1020x691.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"434\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1020x691.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-160x108.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-800x542.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-768x520.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1200x813.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1920x1301.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-1180x800.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-960x651.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-240x163.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-375x254.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/skinny-dip-2-520x352.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1020x605.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1020x605.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-160x95.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-800x474.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-768x455.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1200x712.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1920x1139.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-1180x700.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-960x569.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-240x142.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-375x222.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/yess-520x308.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98842\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1020x838.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1020x838.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-160x131.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-800x657.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-768x631.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1200x986.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1920x1577.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-1180x969.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-960x789.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-240x197.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-375x308.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt-520x427.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/butt.jpg 1960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98855\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-1020x1185.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"744\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-1020x1185.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-160x186.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-800x929.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-768x892.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-1033x1200.jpg 1033w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-1180x1371.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-960x1115.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-240x279.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-375x436.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm-520x604.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mmhm.jpg 1374w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98854\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-1020x1081.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"678\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-1020x1081.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-160x170.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-800x848.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-768x814.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-1133x1200.jpg 1133w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-1180x1250.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-960x1017.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-240x254.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-375x397.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye-520x551.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-eye.jpg 1510w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My feelings on this scene can best be described by the following:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/give.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98851\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/give.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"408\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/praise-god-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98852 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/praise-god-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Albert finally tells Victoria about his daddy issues. She's like, \u003cem>You know what'll make you feel better? Meddling in the life of an underage Spanish queen! \u003c/em>They go downstairs and tag-team negotiate with the French king. All parties agree that they won't try to make the Spanish queen marry one of their relatives. Cool. Glad they decided that without any consideration for what the queen actually wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following week, Victoria and Albert are back in England, still enjoying the residual vacay vibes and going over their successful Instagram posts from France.\u003cem> Look, Albert! This one of you swimming completely naked with the Most Likely Gays got 100 likes!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All is well until news breaks that the French king totally played them. His son is now engaged to the Spanish queen. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert feels duped and betrayed, but Victoria sees a silver lining: at least they worked as a team for once and got schooled together! Isn't that romantic?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also, with the Uncle/Daddy Leopold drama out of the bag, they have no secrets between them. Well, except for one, she cheekily says, before revealing that she is once again pregnant.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-fucking-kidding-me-bridesmaids.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39749\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-fucking-kidding-me-bridesmaids.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-please-god-no-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97254\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-please-god-no-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wendy-cant.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98856\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wendy-cant.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"148\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>He needs to stop policing other people's sex lives. He also needs to stop having meltdowns over whether Victoria wants to put on lipgloss or not. But most of all, he needs to stop being so damn fertile!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL: Rude French Rando Who Had the Audacity to Make Fun of the Dash Purse.\u003c/strong> I never forget a slight against my favorite pooch. Someone dust off and roll out the guillotine!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Duchess of Buccleuch. \u003c/strong>Sure, she was a wet blanket the entire trip, but I agree with her on one count: French food sucks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: The Queen of Spain. \u003c/strong>Poor girl can't even have any fun \u003cem>Sex and the City\u003c/em>-esque single adventures before people she's never met chain her to some old random foreign dude who will just knock her up and cheat on her behind her back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: That Waterfall Lake. \u003c/strong>Thanks for existing in the right place at the right time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: The Most Likely Gays. \u003c/strong>They didn't make out, but this was maybe better?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love",
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"content": "\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"l9N3FI3K0vd1X18rdMBt45JcTZRvD0tR\"]In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/01/14/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen threw a brush at her husband's face (he had it coming), personified the \u003ca href=\"http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/math-lady-confused-lady\">Confused Math Lady meme\u003c/a> at a nerd party, and was bummed to find out she was pregnant again. Will she graduate to throwing furniture in Albert's direction? Will she make peace with the fact that the only math you really need to know in life is how to leave a decent tip? Will she ignore her new baby even more than she ignores the first one? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The best part of waking up (other than Folgers in one's cup) is measuring the skull of a boy to find out whether he has criminal tendencies or not (sounds legit). At least that's the not-so-catchy motto of Prime Minister Peele's office, as they try to figure out why said boy broke into the palace to sniff the Queen's underwear and scarf down cheese. The skull test comes back negative. Turns out he just wanted to write a \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Fire-Fury-Inside-Trump-White/dp/1250158060\">\u003cem>Fire and Fury\u003c/em>\u003c/a> tell-all about Victoria. You gotta respect the hustle of an enterprising middle-schooler.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Lord M finds out that letting leeches suck on your arm doesn't cure you of a stroke. His doctor tells him to write a will. Who will he leave all his crackling sexual tension to??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the palace, Dash's nose is dry and he doesn't want to play. I SWEAR, IF THIS DOG DIES, I WILL LOSE IT! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, GRIM REAPER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sex-and-the-city-no-charlotte-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98447\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sex-and-the-city-no-charlotte-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"501\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the bright side, Dash is serving A LOT of face in this episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98451\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1020x992.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"622\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1020x992.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-160x156.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-800x778.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-768x747.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1200x1167.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1920x1867.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1180x1148.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-960x934.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-240x233.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-375x365.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-520x506.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-50x50.jpg 50w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98452\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1020x982.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"616\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1020x982.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-160x154.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-800x770.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-768x739.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1200x1155.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1920x1848.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1180x1136.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-960x924.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-240x231.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-375x361.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-520x500.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-32x32.jpg 32w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98456\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1020x951.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"597\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1020x951.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-160x149.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-800x746.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-768x716.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1200x1119.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1920x1791.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1180x1101.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-960x895.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-240x224.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-375x350.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-520x485.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee.jpg 1990w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98458\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-1020x1629.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"1022\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-1020x1629.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-160x256.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-800x1278.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-768x1227.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-751x1200.jpg 751w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-1180x1885.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-960x1533.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-240x383.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-375x599.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-520x831.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars.jpg 1614w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98449\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1020x559.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"351\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1020x559.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-800x438.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-768x421.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1200x657.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1920x1051.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1180x646.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-960x526.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-240x131.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-375x205.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-520x285.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For some reason, Victoria doesn't spend the rest of the day worshipping Dash, and instead advocates for British silk weavers with the Prime Minister. This scene was a total snooze... until the Maybe Gays started raising their eyebrows at each other and supporting each other's views!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98454\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1020x668.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"419\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1020x668.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-160x105.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-800x524.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-768x503.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1200x786.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1920x1257.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1180x773.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-960x629.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-240x157.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-375x246.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-520x340.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98455\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1020x698.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"438\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1020x698.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-160x110.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-800x548.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-768x526.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1200x822.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1920x1315.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1180x808.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-960x657.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-240x164.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-375x257.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-520x356.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria decides to hold a British silk-only party, but who cares about that when this is happening?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98453\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1020x478.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1020x478.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-160x75.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-800x375.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-768x360.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1200x562.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1920x899.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1180x552.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-960x449.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-240x112.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-375x176.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-520x243.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because every party has a pooper, the Duchess of Buccleuch tells Victoria that she better not dance or gallivant at this party (she's pregnant, after all, and therefore should ideally be locked into a tower or something).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria takes a moment to calm the Satanic voices in her head urging her to kill this woman right here and now, and instead says, \u003cem>You have a cold. You have my permission to GTFO of my face.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/outta-my-face-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98457\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/outta-my-face-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fun fact: The Duchess in real life was only 29 or 30 at this time, was generally pretty chill, and was a close friend of the Queen's. I hope no one unfairly turns me into an ancient racist killjoy after I die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's decided that the ball will have a medieval theme. Victoria and co. randomly take a tour of royal tombs from this era to get in the mood. The guide shares a story about a former king who had an entire town killed, but, at the urging of his wife, spared six old dudes. Victoria's response:\"What a charming story!\" Ummm, was she even listening??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a corner, the Duchess' niece is all googly-eyed for Ernst. She suggests he should dress up as Robin Hood for the party. \"A lawless archer. Yes, I think that would suit me very well.\" You see, both of them like putting their -- ahem --arrows into things.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Disney_Survey_-_Robin_Hood.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98647\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Disney_Survey_-_Robin_Hood.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"255\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, the Prime Minister shares his concern about the optics of throwing a lavish ball while people are starving in the streets. Victoria runs the risk of her head taking the place of organic hors d'oeuvres on a silver platter. But Victoria insists. It's her party and she'll get her head chopped off by a poor angry mob if she wants to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Parliament, old white dudes scream at each other about the Queen's wastefulness. For instance, her dress for the party costs £64,000! The poor aren't happy about any of this and gather outside the palace gates for some good old fashioned head-chopping.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, there are ice statues in the shape of swans, fancy taxidermied peacocks, and pies that even the mean judge on \u003cem>Great British Bake Off\u003c/em> would approve of.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Maybe Gays dance with girls, but only have eyes for each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98462\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1020x815.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"511\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1020x815.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-160x128.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-800x639.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-768x614.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1200x959.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1920x1535.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1180x943.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-960x767.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-240x192.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-375x300.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-520x416.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98461\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1020x638.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1020x638.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-160x100.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-800x500.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-768x480.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1200x750.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1920x1200.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1180x738.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-960x600.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-240x150.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-375x234.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-520x325.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M shows up, even though he's dying or whatever. Good on him. I decline most party invites and the only ailment I suffer from is a preference of Netflix over other humans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stay-at-home-sit-on-ass-gif-chelsea.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98466\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stay-at-home-sit-on-ass-gif-chelsea.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst / Robin Hood spots his crush, Victoria's married friend, and engages in a seductive do-si-do with her. They both wish her husband would just die already so they could have sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/he-must-die-gilmore-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98467\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/he-must-die-gilmore-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But enough about straight people. Let's check back in with the Maybe Gays. Yep, still heart-eyeing each other. KISS ALREADY!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98459\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-1020x863.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"541\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-1020x863.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-160x135.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-800x677.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-768x650.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-1200x1015.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-1180x998.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-960x812.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-240x203.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-375x317.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-520x440.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3.jpg 1376w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98460\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1020x690.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"433\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1020x690.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-160x108.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-800x541.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-768x520.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1200x812.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1920x1300.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1180x799.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-960x650.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-240x162.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-375x254.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-520x352.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different part of the room, Lord M and Victoria share a dance, and everything is going smoothly... until he loses his ability to speak and almost falls down! Damn it, leeches! Y'all had one job!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In more pleasant news, the Most Likely Gays (they've earned a loftier title) find themselves alone in a hallway. KISS EACH OTHER! DO IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/donald-duck-kiss-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/donald-duck-kiss-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"459\" height=\"345\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They don't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/smile-frown-kid-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/smile-frown-kid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"270\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But they do wonder aloud why neither of them are in the ballroom \"delighting the damsels.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy_wink.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98474\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy_wink.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"481\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Halfway through the opulent shindig, Victoria catches sight of the protest outside and feels kind of bad about all the fresh oysters and eclair towers her and her rich buddies wasted this evening. She quickly thinks of a solution: \u003cem>Let them eat leftovers!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/judge-judy-smh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/judge-judy-smh-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Needless to say, people are less than charmed. But she somehow gets away with it. Somewhere out there, Marie Antionette's ghost is booing up a storm.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert adopts yet another pet project: overseeing the design of the new Parliament building.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/how-exciting-is-that-snl-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98477\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/how-exciting-is-that-snl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He bumps into Lord M and notices that he's in an \"elegiac mood.\" Lord M is like, \u003cem>Well, yeah, I'm right in the middle of dying. Also, have I ever told you my wife left me for Lord Byron? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M makes Albert promise not to tell Victoria about his condition. So what does Albert do? You guessed it! He immediately runs over to the palace and spills the beans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/snitch-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/snitch-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is bummed and does what anyone would do for a dying friend: she buys him a wind-up stuffed bird!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/a-what-clueless-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/a-what-clueless-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M says that the gift is \"most ingenious.\" That's one way to say, \u003cem>Um, this is a really weird thing to give to a dying man.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria returns to the palace, sad about the possibility that she might never see Lord M again. \u003cem>Could this day get any worse?\u003c/em> she wonders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It can.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SHE FINDS DASH DEAD IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/game-of-thrones-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98483\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/game-of-thrones-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"650\" height=\"350\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-defy-you-stars-leo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97255\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-defy-you-stars-leo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"208\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/zooey-crying-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/zooey-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/devastated-wrestler-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/devastated-wrestler-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/emma-stone-crying-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/emma-stone-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jennifer-lawrence-crying-falling-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98489\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jennifer-lawrence-crying-falling-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"177\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>HE WAS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD AND THIS SHOW.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria cries, \"He was always there! I will miss him so much!\" Same. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They should just end the series here. Wouldn't take more than a post-script like this: \u003cem>Victoria has 9 kids and grows to be really old and remains obsessed with Albert forever and ever. The end.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm going to need a moment to go listen to Sarah McLachlan's abused puppy infomercial song.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. Because PBS insists on bunching these episodes, I have another hour to get through, so will remain in the denial phase of this grieving process and save the messy stuff for later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/deep-denial-amy-poehler-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/deep-denial-amy-poehler-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"420\" height=\"398\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone is primal screaming in the palace. Grief over Dash, I presume? Oh, no, just Victoria giving birth to another baby. It's a boy. Yay, or whatever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/amy-poehler-fake-excited-smile-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98533\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/amy-poehler-fake-excited-smile-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After all the goo is cleaned up, Albert waxes poetic about how beautiful the new prince is. (Not as beautiful as Dash was! *stifles sob*) Victoria seems to be on my wavelength because her response is that all babies look like frogs to her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/its-true-gaga-frog-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98530\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/its-true-gaga-frog-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Germany, Albert's dad, who spent all last episode whining about how lame girl babies are, is so jazzed about his new grandson that he decides to get jiggy with some lady. But the sexy celebration doesn't last long, as he promptly drops dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Victoria is still depressed about Dash, but also probably suffering from postpartum depression. Albert grows concerned, after finding Victoria sadly plinking the same key on the piano over and over again. And she has abandoned hobbies she once adored, mainly throwing elaborate parties that make the poor hate her guts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/excited-birthday-party-old-lady.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98545\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/excited-birthday-party-old-lady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"495\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a sketchy part of town, Babyface Maid visits her Ungrateful Single Mom friend. BREAKING: She's still ungrateful. Still single. Still a mom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a balcony back at the palace, the Most Likely Gays continue to make heart eyes at each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98536\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-800x451.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1200x676.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1920x1081.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-960x541.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98537\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1020x558.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"350\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1020x558.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-800x438.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-768x420.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1200x657.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1920x1051.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1180x646.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-960x525.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-240x131.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-375x205.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-520x285.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The blond one says, \"I guess we'll never understand the fairer sex, will we?\" and then winks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/pokemon-heart-eyes-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98540\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/pokemon-heart-eyes-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thank you for this, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers; it's the least y'all could do after killing my second favorite animal on television (#1 pup goes to Horace the Pug from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, in case you're wondering).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But enough about animals (for now). Albert finds out about his dad and hurries off to Germany, but not before giving Governess Dictator an ultimatum: find whichever servant sold the story of the boy breaking into the palace to the papers or every servant will be fired and replaced.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Tina-Fey-Liz-Lemon-30-Rock-Youre-All-Fired.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98541\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Tina-Fey-Liz-Lemon-30-Rock-Youre-All-Fired.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"488\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid runs into Hot Italian Chef and notices that he all of a sudden has a new gold chain. His raise was either really generous or he's getting back at the monarchy for getting him fired from his other job by turning into a TMZ informer. Whichever it is, I support him!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria yells at her toddler daughter: \u003cem>STOP MOVING SO MUCH, FROG-FACE! \u003c/em>Baby Vicky keeps moving because she's like 11 months old.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Germany, Ernst assures a grieving Albert that their father died doing what he loved: boning girls named Leisl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/liesl-sound-of-music.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98552\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/liesl-sound-of-music.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, the Prime Minister tries to get Victoria excited about attending a ribbon-cutting ceremony for some tunnel. She responds, \u003cem>Nope, gonna stay home, be sad, and eat a bunch of chips instead! \u003c/em>But the brunette Most Likely Gay attempts to change her mind by explaining what the purpose of a tunnel is: \"They're walking beneath the water, ma'am.\"\u003cem> \u003c/em>Victoria's mind is blown to bits.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"315\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But she sticks to her agoraphobic plan:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stay-home-eat-chips-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98557\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stay-home-eat-chips-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"257\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and in case you're playing the Drink Every Time The Most Likely Gays Make Heart Eyes At Each Other drinking game, take another sip.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98561\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1020x883.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"554\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1020x883.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-160x138.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-800x692.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-768x665.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1200x1039.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1920x1662.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1180x1021.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-960x831.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-240x208.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-375x325.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-520x450.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98560\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1020x1075.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"675\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1020x1075.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-160x169.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-800x844.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-768x810.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1138x1200.jpg 1138w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1920x2024.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1180x1244.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-960x1012.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-240x253.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-375x395.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-520x548.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in the bad part of town, Babyface Maid finds out Ungrateful Single Mom is the one who spilled the beans to the press! And she is not even sorry about it. Maybe I missed this along the way, but why does Babyface Maid have to keep paying this jerk's bills and putting up with her stank attitude? Block her on all social media and move on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/unfriend-middle-finger-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98564\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/unfriend-middle-finger-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"522\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Germany, Albert's no good very bad day gets even worse when his uncle Leopold randomly makes a confession: \u003cem>Hey, there's never a good time to bring this up, so what the hell? I used to have sex with your mom behind your dad's back. Sorry not sorry. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert must pull double duty: holding back tears \u003cem>and\u003c/em> puke at the same time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jim-carrey-nauseous-puke-dumb-and-dumber-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jim-carrey-nauseous-puke-dumb-and-dumber-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"453\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Victoria is also holding back a sob, while looking sadly out of a window. The Prime Minister interrupts to pressure her into leaving the house to visit some injured men in the hospital. Victoria is like, \u003cem>Didn't I make myself clear? I want to stay home and eat chips!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she relents and discovers what she already knew: leaving the house is highly overrated, especially when the reason is to look at bloody, mutilated people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the servants' quarters, Governess Dictator grills Hot Italian Chef about where he got all his fancy new clothes. His answer is brief and to-the-point:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/none-of-your-business-beeswax.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98592\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/none-of-your-business-beeswax.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drink up! The Most Likely Gays are at it again! But this time, on a solo date!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98594\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1020x589.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"370\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1020x589.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-160x92.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-800x462.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-768x444.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1200x693.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1920x1109.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1180x682.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-960x555.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-240x139.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-375x217.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-520x300.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98595\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1020x701.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1020x701.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-160x110.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-800x550.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-768x528.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1200x824.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1920x1319.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1180x811.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-960x660.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-240x165.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-375x258.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-520x357.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98598\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1020x558.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"350\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1020x558.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-800x438.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-768x420.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1200x657.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1920x1051.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1180x646.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-960x526.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-240x131.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-375x205.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-520x285.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>... until the Duchess of Buccleuch's niece shows up to you-know-what block. UGHHHHH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98597\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1020x707.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1020x707.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-160x111.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-800x554.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-768x532.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1200x832.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1920x1331.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1180x818.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-960x665.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-240x166.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-375x260.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-520x360.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98596\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1020x1114.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"699\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1020x1114.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-160x175.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-800x873.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-768x838.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1099x1200.jpg 1099w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1920x2096.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1180x1288.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-960x1048.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-240x262.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-375x409.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-520x568.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98593\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a German bar, Albert decides that the best way to forget that your uncle might actually be your dad is to chug all the beer. This leads to a wild discovery about inebriation: \"It's the most peculiar sensation! It feel as if I have elves around my person!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/elves-dancing-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98600\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/elves-dancing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/elf-shocking.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98599\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/elf-shocking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"650\" height=\"346\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is a little less sad than usual, as she stares at a diorama of a tunnel (now that she knows what a tunnel is). The Duchess comes in with a gift from some sultan. It was supposed to be a tiger cub, but she talked him into giving a beautiful puppy instead! The pup immediately pees on the royal bed. This show just got exponentially better.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98601\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1020x626.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"393\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1020x626.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-800x491.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-768x471.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1200x736.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1920x1178.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1180x724.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-960x589.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-240x147.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-375x230.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-520x319.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, the Most Likely Gays run into each other, but don't take a sip just yet. There are no heart eyes because the brunette reluctantly shares the news that he's engaged to be married to a human woman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/1462466472-amy-poehler-no.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50724\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/1462466472-amy-poehler-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/03/why-the-notebook-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-21098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/03/why-the-notebook-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We can't enjoy one nice thing, can we?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Babyface Maid finds out Hot Italian Chef is about to be fired for allegedly selling the story to the papers, so she comes clean about everything. Turns out Ungrateful Single Mom was about to start working at the Palace, until her unexpected pregnancy ruined any hope of that happening. Ungrateful Single Mom still wanted that fat paycheck so she forced her cousin, Babyface Maid, to impersonate her. That's it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/so-what-who-cares-the-view.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/so-what-who-cares-the-view.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"247\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upon Albert's return from Germany, Victoria is excited to share a few breaking news items with him: \u003cem>I love tunnels! Bloody soldiers cured me of my agoraphobia! I don't totally hate our new frog baby anymore!\u003c/em> Albert is unmoved: \u003cem>That's nice. My uncle is probably my dad. Pass the chips. I'm staying home. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>SCREW YOU!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Drinking So Much You Hallucinate Elves Around Your Person. \u003c/strong>We've all been there, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: All the Starving Poor People.\u003c/strong> All they got for not chopping off the Queen's head was a tray of leftovers, so the least I could do is grant them a meaningless award and the promise that #ItGetsBetter (*whispers* #ItActuallyDoesn't).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: The Most Likely Gays. \u003c/strong>They deserve more than this, and so do we.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Dash.\u003c/strong> I Will Always Love You.mp3\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This week's episode has a bit of everything: Who's-Your-Daddy drama! A maybe gay love affair! Drunk imaginary elves! ",
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"title": "'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/01/14/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen threw a brush at her husband's face (he had it coming), personified the \u003ca href=\"http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/math-lady-confused-lady\">Confused Math Lady meme\u003c/a> at a nerd party, and was bummed to find out she was pregnant again. Will she graduate to throwing furniture in Albert's direction? Will she make peace with the fact that the only math you really need to know in life is how to leave a decent tip? Will she ignore her new baby even more than she ignores the first one? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The best part of waking up (other than Folgers in one's cup) is measuring the skull of a boy to find out whether he has criminal tendencies or not (sounds legit). At least that's the not-so-catchy motto of Prime Minister Peele's office, as they try to figure out why said boy broke into the palace to sniff the Queen's underwear and scarf down cheese. The skull test comes back negative. Turns out he just wanted to write a \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Fire-Fury-Inside-Trump-White/dp/1250158060\">\u003cem>Fire and Fury\u003c/em>\u003c/a> tell-all about Victoria. You gotta respect the hustle of an enterprising middle-schooler.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Lord M finds out that letting leeches suck on your arm doesn't cure you of a stroke. His doctor tells him to write a will. Who will he leave all his crackling sexual tension to??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the palace, Dash's nose is dry and he doesn't want to play. I SWEAR, IF THIS DOG DIES, I WILL LOSE IT! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, GRIM REAPER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sex-and-the-city-no-charlotte-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98447\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sex-and-the-city-no-charlotte-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"501\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the bright side, Dash is serving A LOT of face in this episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98451\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1020x992.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"622\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1020x992.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-160x156.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-800x778.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-768x747.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1200x1167.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1920x1867.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-1180x1148.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-960x934.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-240x233.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-375x365.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-520x506.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-50x50.jpg 50w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98452\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1020x982.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"616\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1020x982.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-160x154.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-800x770.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-768x739.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1200x1155.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1920x1848.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-1180x1136.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-960x924.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-240x231.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-375x361.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-520x500.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-crop-2-32x32.jpg 32w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98456\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1020x951.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"597\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1020x951.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-160x149.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-800x746.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-768x716.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1200x1119.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1920x1791.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-1180x1101.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-960x895.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-240x224.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-375x350.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee-520x485.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-facee.jpg 1990w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98458\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-1020x1629.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"1022\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-1020x1629.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-160x256.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-800x1278.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-768x1227.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-751x1200.jpg 751w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-1180x1885.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-960x1533.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-240x383.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-375x599.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars-520x831.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-stars.jpg 1614w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98449\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1020x559.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"351\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1020x559.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-800x438.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-768x421.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1200x657.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1920x1051.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-1180x646.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-960x526.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-240x131.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-375x205.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-face-520x285.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For some reason, Victoria doesn't spend the rest of the day worshipping Dash, and instead advocates for British silk weavers with the Prime Minister. This scene was a total snooze... until the Maybe Gays started raising their eyebrows at each other and supporting each other's views!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98454\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1020x668.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"419\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1020x668.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-160x105.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-800x524.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-768x503.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1200x786.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1920x1257.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-1180x773.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-960x629.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-240x157.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-375x246.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-2-520x340.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98455\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1020x698.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"438\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1020x698.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-160x110.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-800x548.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-768x526.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1200x822.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1920x1315.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-1180x808.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-960x657.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-240x164.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-375x257.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gay-eyes-520x356.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria decides to hold a British silk-only party, but who cares about that when this is happening?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98453\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1020x478.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1020x478.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-160x75.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-800x375.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-768x360.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1200x562.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1920x899.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-1180x552.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-960x449.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-240x112.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-375x176.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-eyes-3-520x243.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because every party has a pooper, the Duchess of Buccleuch tells Victoria that she better not dance or gallivant at this party (she's pregnant, after all, and therefore should ideally be locked into a tower or something).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria takes a moment to calm the Satanic voices in her head urging her to kill this woman right here and now, and instead says, \u003cem>You have a cold. You have my permission to GTFO of my face.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/outta-my-face-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98457\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/outta-my-face-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fun fact: The Duchess in real life was only 29 or 30 at this time, was generally pretty chill, and was a close friend of the Queen's. I hope no one unfairly turns me into an ancient racist killjoy after I die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's decided that the ball will have a medieval theme. Victoria and co. randomly take a tour of royal tombs from this era to get in the mood. The guide shares a story about a former king who had an entire town killed, but, at the urging of his wife, spared six old dudes. Victoria's response:\"What a charming story!\" Ummm, was she even listening??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a corner, the Duchess' niece is all googly-eyed for Ernst. She suggests he should dress up as Robin Hood for the party. \"A lawless archer. Yes, I think that would suit me very well.\" You see, both of them like putting their -- ahem --arrows into things.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Disney_Survey_-_Robin_Hood.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98647\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Disney_Survey_-_Robin_Hood.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"255\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, the Prime Minister shares his concern about the optics of throwing a lavish ball while people are starving in the streets. Victoria runs the risk of her head taking the place of organic hors d'oeuvres on a silver platter. But Victoria insists. It's her party and she'll get her head chopped off by a poor angry mob if she wants to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Parliament, old white dudes scream at each other about the Queen's wastefulness. For instance, her dress for the party costs £64,000! The poor aren't happy about any of this and gather outside the palace gates for some good old fashioned head-chopping.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, there are ice statues in the shape of swans, fancy taxidermied peacocks, and pies that even the mean judge on \u003cem>Great British Bake Off\u003c/em> would approve of.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Maybe Gays dance with girls, but only have eyes for each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98462\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1020x815.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"511\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1020x815.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-160x128.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-800x639.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-768x614.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1200x959.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1920x1535.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-1180x943.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-960x767.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-240x192.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-375x300.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dance-gays-520x416.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98461\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1020x638.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1020x638.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-160x100.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-800x500.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-768x480.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1200x750.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1920x1200.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-1180x738.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-960x600.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-240x150.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-375x234.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-520x325.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M shows up, even though he's dying or whatever. Good on him. I decline most party invites and the only ailment I suffer from is a preference of Netflix over other humans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stay-at-home-sit-on-ass-gif-chelsea.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98466\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stay-at-home-sit-on-ass-gif-chelsea.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst / Robin Hood spots his crush, Victoria's married friend, and engages in a seductive do-si-do with her. They both wish her husband would just die already so they could have sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/he-must-die-gilmore-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98467\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/he-must-die-gilmore-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But enough about straight people. Let's check back in with the Maybe Gays. Yep, still heart-eyeing each other. KISS ALREADY!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98459\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-1020x863.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"541\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-1020x863.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-160x135.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-800x677.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-768x650.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-1200x1015.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-1180x998.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-960x812.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-240x203.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-375x317.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3-520x440.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-3.jpg 1376w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98460\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1020x690.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"433\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1020x690.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-160x108.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-800x541.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-768x520.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1200x812.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1920x1300.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-1180x799.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-960x650.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-240x162.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-375x254.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/one-gay-2-520x352.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different part of the room, Lord M and Victoria share a dance, and everything is going smoothly... until he loses his ability to speak and almost falls down! Damn it, leeches! Y'all had one job!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In more pleasant news, the Most Likely Gays (they've earned a loftier title) find themselves alone in a hallway. KISS EACH OTHER! DO IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/donald-duck-kiss-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/donald-duck-kiss-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"459\" height=\"345\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They don't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/smile-frown-kid-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/smile-frown-kid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"270\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But they do wonder aloud why neither of them are in the ballroom \"delighting the damsels.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy_wink.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98474\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy_wink.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"481\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Halfway through the opulent shindig, Victoria catches sight of the protest outside and feels kind of bad about all the fresh oysters and eclair towers her and her rich buddies wasted this evening. She quickly thinks of a solution: \u003cem>Let them eat leftovers!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/judge-judy-smh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/judge-judy-smh-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Needless to say, people are less than charmed. But she somehow gets away with it. Somewhere out there, Marie Antionette's ghost is booing up a storm.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert adopts yet another pet project: overseeing the design of the new Parliament building.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/how-exciting-is-that-snl-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98477\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/how-exciting-is-that-snl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He bumps into Lord M and notices that he's in an \"elegiac mood.\" Lord M is like, \u003cem>Well, yeah, I'm right in the middle of dying. Also, have I ever told you my wife left me for Lord Byron? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M makes Albert promise not to tell Victoria about his condition. So what does Albert do? You guessed it! He immediately runs over to the palace and spills the beans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/snitch-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/snitch-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is bummed and does what anyone would do for a dying friend: she buys him a wind-up stuffed bird!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/a-what-clueless-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/a-what-clueless-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M says that the gift is \"most ingenious.\" That's one way to say, \u003cem>Um, this is a really weird thing to give to a dying man.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria returns to the palace, sad about the possibility that she might never see Lord M again. \u003cem>Could this day get any worse?\u003c/em> she wonders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It can.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SHE FINDS DASH DEAD IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/game-of-thrones-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98483\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/game-of-thrones-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"650\" height=\"350\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-defy-you-stars-leo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97255\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-defy-you-stars-leo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"208\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/zooey-crying-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/zooey-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/devastated-wrestler-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/devastated-wrestler-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/emma-stone-crying-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/emma-stone-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jennifer-lawrence-crying-falling-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98489\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jennifer-lawrence-crying-falling-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"177\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>HE WAS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD AND THIS SHOW.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria cries, \"He was always there! I will miss him so much!\" Same. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They should just end the series here. Wouldn't take more than a post-script like this: \u003cem>Victoria has 9 kids and grows to be really old and remains obsessed with Albert forever and ever. The end.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm going to need a moment to go listen to Sarah McLachlan's abused puppy infomercial song.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/1SiylvmFI_8'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/1SiylvmFI_8'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. Because PBS insists on bunching these episodes, I have another hour to get through, so will remain in the denial phase of this grieving process and save the messy stuff for later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/deep-denial-amy-poehler-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/deep-denial-amy-poehler-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"420\" height=\"398\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone is primal screaming in the palace. Grief over Dash, I presume? Oh, no, just Victoria giving birth to another baby. It's a boy. Yay, or whatever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/amy-poehler-fake-excited-smile-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98533\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/amy-poehler-fake-excited-smile-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After all the goo is cleaned up, Albert waxes poetic about how beautiful the new prince is. (Not as beautiful as Dash was! *stifles sob*) Victoria seems to be on my wavelength because her response is that all babies look like frogs to her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/its-true-gaga-frog-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98530\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/its-true-gaga-frog-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Germany, Albert's dad, who spent all last episode whining about how lame girl babies are, is so jazzed about his new grandson that he decides to get jiggy with some lady. But the sexy celebration doesn't last long, as he promptly drops dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Victoria is still depressed about Dash, but also probably suffering from postpartum depression. Albert grows concerned, after finding Victoria sadly plinking the same key on the piano over and over again. And she has abandoned hobbies she once adored, mainly throwing elaborate parties that make the poor hate her guts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/excited-birthday-party-old-lady.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98545\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/excited-birthday-party-old-lady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"495\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a sketchy part of town, Babyface Maid visits her Ungrateful Single Mom friend. BREAKING: She's still ungrateful. Still single. Still a mom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a balcony back at the palace, the Most Likely Gays continue to make heart eyes at each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98536\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-800x451.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1200x676.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1920x1081.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-960x541.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-2-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98537\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1020x558.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"350\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1020x558.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-800x438.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-768x420.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1200x657.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1920x1051.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-1180x646.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-960x525.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-240x131.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-375x205.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/maybe-gays-520x285.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The blond one says, \"I guess we'll never understand the fairer sex, will we?\" and then winks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/pokemon-heart-eyes-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98540\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/pokemon-heart-eyes-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thank you for this, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers; it's the least y'all could do after killing my second favorite animal on television (#1 pup goes to Horace the Pug from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, in case you're wondering).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But enough about animals (for now). Albert finds out about his dad and hurries off to Germany, but not before giving Governess Dictator an ultimatum: find whichever servant sold the story of the boy breaking into the palace to the papers or every servant will be fired and replaced.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Tina-Fey-Liz-Lemon-30-Rock-Youre-All-Fired.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98541\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Tina-Fey-Liz-Lemon-30-Rock-Youre-All-Fired.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"488\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid runs into Hot Italian Chef and notices that he all of a sudden has a new gold chain. His raise was either really generous or he's getting back at the monarchy for getting him fired from his other job by turning into a TMZ informer. Whichever it is, I support him!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria yells at her toddler daughter: \u003cem>STOP MOVING SO MUCH, FROG-FACE! \u003c/em>Baby Vicky keeps moving because she's like 11 months old.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Germany, Ernst assures a grieving Albert that their father died doing what he loved: boning girls named Leisl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/liesl-sound-of-music.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98552\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/liesl-sound-of-music.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, the Prime Minister tries to get Victoria excited about attending a ribbon-cutting ceremony for some tunnel. She responds, \u003cem>Nope, gonna stay home, be sad, and eat a bunch of chips instead! \u003c/em>But the brunette Most Likely Gay attempts to change her mind by explaining what the purpose of a tunnel is: \"They're walking beneath the water, ma'am.\"\u003cem> \u003c/em>Victoria's mind is blown to bits.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"315\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But she sticks to her agoraphobic plan:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stay-home-eat-chips-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98557\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stay-home-eat-chips-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"257\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and in case you're playing the Drink Every Time The Most Likely Gays Make Heart Eyes At Each Other drinking game, take another sip.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98561\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1020x883.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"554\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1020x883.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-160x138.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-800x692.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-768x665.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1200x1039.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1920x1662.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-1180x1021.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-960x831.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-240x208.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-375x325.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-520x450.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98560\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1020x1075.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"675\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1020x1075.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-160x169.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-800x844.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-768x810.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1138x1200.jpg 1138w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1920x2024.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-1180x1244.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-960x1012.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-240x253.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-375x395.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/heart-2-520x548.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in the bad part of town, Babyface Maid finds out Ungrateful Single Mom is the one who spilled the beans to the press! And she is not even sorry about it. Maybe I missed this along the way, but why does Babyface Maid have to keep paying this jerk's bills and putting up with her stank attitude? Block her on all social media and move on!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/unfriend-middle-finger-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98564\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/unfriend-middle-finger-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"522\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Germany, Albert's no good very bad day gets even worse when his uncle Leopold randomly makes a confession: \u003cem>Hey, there's never a good time to bring this up, so what the hell? I used to have sex with your mom behind your dad's back. Sorry not sorry. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert must pull double duty: holding back tears \u003cem>and\u003c/em> puke at the same time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jim-carrey-nauseous-puke-dumb-and-dumber-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jim-carrey-nauseous-puke-dumb-and-dumber-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"453\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Victoria is also holding back a sob, while looking sadly out of a window. The Prime Minister interrupts to pressure her into leaving the house to visit some injured men in the hospital. Victoria is like, \u003cem>Didn't I make myself clear? I want to stay home and eat chips!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she relents and discovers what she already knew: leaving the house is highly overrated, especially when the reason is to look at bloody, mutilated people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the servants' quarters, Governess Dictator grills Hot Italian Chef about where he got all his fancy new clothes. His answer is brief and to-the-point:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/none-of-your-business-beeswax.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98592\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/none-of-your-business-beeswax.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drink up! The Most Likely Gays are at it again! But this time, on a solo date!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98594\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1020x589.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"370\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1020x589.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-160x92.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-800x462.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-768x444.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1200x693.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1920x1109.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-1180x682.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-960x555.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-240x139.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-375x217.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/brunette-520x300.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98595\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1020x701.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1020x701.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-160x110.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-800x550.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-768x528.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1200x824.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1920x1319.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-1180x811.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-960x660.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-240x165.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-375x258.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/blonde-520x357.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98598\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1020x558.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"350\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1020x558.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-800x438.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-768x420.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1200x657.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1920x1051.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-1180x646.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-960x526.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-240x131.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-375x205.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/date-night-520x285.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>... until the Duchess of Buccleuch's niece shows up to you-know-what block. UGHHHHH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98597\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1020x707.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1020x707.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-160x111.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-800x554.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-768x532.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1200x832.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1920x1331.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-1180x818.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-960x665.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-240x166.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-375x260.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-520x360.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98596\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1020x1114.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"699\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1020x1114.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-160x175.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-800x873.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-768x838.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1099x1200.jpg 1099w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1920x2096.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-1180x1288.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-960x1048.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-240x262.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-375x409.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out-2-520x568.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98593\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/get-out.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a German bar, Albert decides that the best way to forget that your uncle might actually be your dad is to chug all the beer. This leads to a wild discovery about inebriation: \"It's the most peculiar sensation! It feel as if I have elves around my person!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/elves-dancing-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98600\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/elves-dancing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/elf-shocking.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98599\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/elf-shocking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"650\" height=\"346\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is a little less sad than usual, as she stares at a diorama of a tunnel (now that she knows what a tunnel is). The Duchess comes in with a gift from some sultan. It was supposed to be a tiger cub, but she talked him into giving a beautiful puppy instead! The pup immediately pees on the royal bed. This show just got exponentially better.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98601\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1020x626.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"393\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1020x626.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-800x491.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-768x471.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1200x736.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1920x1178.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-1180x724.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-960x589.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-240x147.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-375x230.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/puppy-520x319.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, the Most Likely Gays run into each other, but don't take a sip just yet. There are no heart eyes because the brunette reluctantly shares the news that he's engaged to be married to a human woman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/1462466472-amy-poehler-no.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50724\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/1462466472-amy-poehler-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/03/why-the-notebook-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-21098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/03/why-the-notebook-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We can't enjoy one nice thing, can we?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Babyface Maid finds out Hot Italian Chef is about to be fired for allegedly selling the story to the papers, so she comes clean about everything. Turns out Ungrateful Single Mom was about to start working at the Palace, until her unexpected pregnancy ruined any hope of that happening. Ungrateful Single Mom still wanted that fat paycheck so she forced her cousin, Babyface Maid, to impersonate her. That's it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/so-what-who-cares-the-view.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/so-what-who-cares-the-view.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"247\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upon Albert's return from Germany, Victoria is excited to share a few breaking news items with him: \u003cem>I love tunnels! Bloody soldiers cured me of my agoraphobia! I don't totally hate our new frog baby anymore!\u003c/em> Albert is unmoved: \u003cem>That's nice. My uncle is probably my dad. Pass the chips. I'm staying home. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>SCREW YOU!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Drinking So Much You Hallucinate Elves Around Your Person. \u003c/strong>We've all been there, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: All the Starving Poor People.\u003c/strong> All they got for not chopping off the Queen's head was a tray of leftovers, so the least I could do is grant them a meaningless award and the promise that #ItGetsBetter (*whispers* #ItActuallyDoesn't).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: The Most Likely Gays. \u003c/strong>They deserve more than this, and so do we.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Dash.\u003c/strong> I Will Always Love You.mp3\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"title": "'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"l9N3FI3K0vd1X18rdMBt45JcTZRvD0tR\"]For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. If you’re too busy or impatient for all of that, here’s the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A teen named Alexandrina ascends to the throne when her uncle, King William IV, dies. She immediately makes some changes: de-ethnicizing her name to Victoria because foreigners are icky, and beginning to walk down stairs without holding onto her governess (*GASP*).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Brits don't take to her right away; gossip about her being super duper short and her tongue being too big for her mouth circulates. Victoria doesn't help matters by forcing an invasive gynecological exam on a woman she believes to be a ginormous whore. Turns out the woman was a virgin whose distended belly had nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with a huge cancerous tumor. Humiliated, the woman dies soon thereafter. Victoria gives a \u003cem>My bad!\u003c/em> shrug and proceeds to forget all about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In addition to bullying virgins with cancer, Victoria spends her time channeling her daddy issues into a flirtation with her Prime Minister, Lord M, who was 40 years older than her in real life. It doesn't work out because he never got over his wife ditching him for Lord Byron (yes, the famed poet!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Victoria looks elsewhere for a baby daddy, and not too far because she settles on her first cousin, Albert, who is the human embodiment of a nap-deprived toddler having a Veruca Salt-level tantrum. The duo bicker from the start: on the subjects of stamps, gardens vs. forests, old Masters vs. modern art, whether beets are poor people food, etc. Instead of finding a partner who doesn't brattily pick a fight over every little thing, Victoria thinks, \u003cem>Eh, this is good enough for a lifetime, I suppose\u003c/em>, marries him, and has his baby, who surprisingly arrives without some kind of incest-inspired deformity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and in a forced \"downstairs\" storyline meant to conjure the success of \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>, a baby-faced maid almost ran off with a hot Italian chef, but didn't because she's a dummy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let’s do this…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We're thrown right into a bomb cyclone blizzard. No, we haven't found ourselves at \u003ca href=\"http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/The_Wall\">The Wall\u003c/a> from \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> (you'll have to \u003ca href=\"http://ew.com/tv/2018/01/04/game-thrones-2019/\">wait until 2019\u003c/a> for that); we're in Afghanistan!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things aren't going well for the Brits, who are embroiled in what is either called the First Anglo-Afghan War (why must there always be a sequel?) or the \"\u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Anglo-Afghan_War\">Disaster in Afghanistan\u003c/a>,\" depending on your perspective. The troops quietly say goodbye to their fingers and toes before frostbite snatches them, and prepare themselves to probably be ambushed and die for the vaguest of causes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But you know who has it worse, judging by her annoyed huffing and puffing? Queen Victoria, whose #squad is insisting on wrapping her up in blankets and pushing her around in a fancy three-wheeled cushioned chair. I could dedicate the next several sentences to how this upsetting juxtaposition of class divides speaks to modern American society, but instead I'm going to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">OMG, DASH THE DOG IS BACK!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98243\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1020x560.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"351\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1020x560.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-800x439.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-768x421.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1200x658.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1920x1053.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1180x647.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-960x527.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-520x285.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">HOW I'VE MISSED HIM!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98244\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1020x548.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"344\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1020x548.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-160x86.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-800x430.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-768x413.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1200x645.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1920x1032.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1180x634.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-960x516.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-240x129.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-375x202.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-520x279.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">LOOK AT HIS FACE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98245\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1020x665.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"417\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1020x665.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-160x104.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-800x522.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-768x501.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1200x783.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1920x1252.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1180x770.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-960x626.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-240x157.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-375x245.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-520x339.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that I got that out of my system, back to the issues at hand. The Hot Italian Chef has left Buckingham Palace to go start a food truck or whatever, so there's a new chef downstairs. I was fully prepared to call this new character Hot New Chef, but he's... well... not, so he will henceforth be called Not Hot Mutton Chop Chef.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/rhobh-not-cute-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98247\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/rhobh-not-cute-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Victoria refuses to be carted around anymore. She wants to go outside and almost get assassinated again like last season!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast, missy! Apparently, the custom is that, after giving birth, the new mother must be \"churched\" (i.e. purified by a priest) before being reintroduced into society because men are scared of the power of female bodies and must make women feel dirty and less than at every turn so they don't get bright ideas of having equal rights or running for President or something crazy like that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/patriarchy-wonder-woman-gif-punch.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98248\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/patriarchy-wonder-woman-gif-punch.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"600\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria (sort of ) takes a stand against misogyny: \"I am not a woman. I am a Queen.\" But Albert reveals himself to be Team #ImNotWithHer, so Victoria goes to the church to be purified and have her \"sin\" cast out because whatever hubby says, goes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To celebrate her sinlessness, Victoria rides around on a horse and then tries to make another baby with Albert on an uncomfortable chair. But her sexy plan is thwarted by a servant, who brings in their newborn. I'm guessing Victoria forgot to put the sock on the door handle. What an amateur.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert runs to the baby and obsesses over its blue eyes. Victoria snaps at him: \"All babies have blue eyes, Albert!\" The Aryan Nation is strong with this one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/so-white-gif-the-office.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98249\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/so-white-gif-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Not Hot Mutton Chop Chef pulls a knife on a maid. This was before HR departments were invented, so, after the briefest of reprimands, Not Hot Mutton Chop Chef is allowed to continue handling knives around defenseless young women. What could possibly go wrong?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is ready to get back to work, but Albert doesn't want to give back control. A standoff ensues.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/tug-of-war-dogs-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98251\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/tug-of-war-dogs-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Albert inspect an army regiment. Albert shares his belief that the fancy plumes on the helmets aren't useful during actual war. Victoria's response: \u003cem>But they're so cute! \u003c/em>During this facepalm-worthy exchange, a bunch of Brits in Afghanistan scream \"OH, COME ON!\" before freezing to death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Victoria announces that she has officially given in to Prime Minister Peele's request that she replace her ladies with women from his conservative party. She has dumped her bestie for someone called the Duchess of Buccleuch (that's apparently a real word). When Peele finds out Victoria picked her of all people, his face takes on the appearance of an elongated \u003cem>EWWWW\u003c/em>, so this should be good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>During her final exchange with Dumped Bestie, Victoria skips any I'm-going-to-miss-you-so-much-Let's-keep-in-touch mooshiness and instead opts for this unusual parting topic: \u003cem>Hey, did you also despise your baby at first? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"204\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, the Duchess of Buccleuch (does this pairing of letters upset anyone else?) arrives. She's old, she's crabby, and she's played by the same actress who played \u003ca href=\"http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Olenna_Tyrell\">Olenna Tyrell\u003c/a> in \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> (reincarnation is real!). Like I said: this should be good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before bed, Victoria finds out that Albert has been making a bunch of decisions behind her back and withholding key information about the mess in Afghanistan so as not to overburden her small lady brain. She is not amused.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Gif-Queen-Elizabeth-II.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98410\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Gif-Queen-Elizabeth-II.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of saying sorry for grossly overstepping his bounds, Albert whines that only the Prime Minister appreciates him; Peele even was \"most complimentary\" about his sketches of new plume-less helmets for the soldiers. Victoria takes one look at them and says, \"I don't give a fig about your helmets\" before storming out. Albert demands to know where she thinks she's going. Victoria K.O.s him with this: \"To the nursery! Isn't that where you think I belong?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mortal-kombat-flawless-victory.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98254\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mortal-kombat-flawless-victory.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"285\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria is hanging out with the Duchess of Buccleuch and learning a bit about her likes and dislikes:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dislikes:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Unmarried women reading novels.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Foreigners touching British babies.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Black people in general.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Shakespeare.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Dust.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Likes:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>The good old days.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Um, yeah, that's about it.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Governess Dictator interrupts their joyless hang by asking Victoria if she wants to see her baby. Victoria's vibe is \u003cem>Not really, but since you all are watching, I guess\u003c/em>. 15 seconds later, the baby farts and cries and Victoria asks for her to be taken away at once. This little princess is going to have A LOT to talk about in therapy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if things weren't uncomfortable enough within the royal marriage, a bunch of relatives of both Victoria and Albert (because, remember, they're FIRST COUSINS) decide to visit Buckingham Palace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's father-in-law/uncle (ew) doesn't waste any time declaring it \"a pity\" that the new baby is a girl, and that he expects a grandson by Christmas. Um, hello to you too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle Leopold is as tactless as his brother, announcing that he's excited to help Albert with all the royal responsibilities. Victoria quickly shuts him down by saying he can for sure help Albert on whatever little plumbing commission she's created to keep him busy while she's, you know, actually running sh-t.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Albert's brother, Ernst, looks around and is like, \u003cem>Hey, Victoria, where'd your bestie go? I never got the chance to give her syphilis!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/syphilis2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98257\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/syphilis2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At dinner that night, everyone hates the soup. Victoria's mom even finds an entire chicken head in her bowl! It is decreed that Hot Italian Chef will be reinstated ASAP. So I can stop putting together this whitehouse.gov petition then? Cool!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before bed, mostly because of Afghanistan, but also partly because that soup was genuinely very bad, Victoria is in a rage. Albert continues to insist that keeping important information from her makes sense 'cause women shouldn't worry their little heads about war. With my full approval, Victoria throws a brush directly at Albert's face. Brava, your majesty, brava!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ernst listens to Albert whine about the brush-throwing incident, and breaks it down for his bro: \u003cem>Um, maybe don't undermine her at every turn? And perhaps ease up on usurping her duties and trying to control every single thing she does?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A lightbulb goes off over Albert's head. \u003cem>Ohhh, you mean respect her? I never thought of that! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/DRGuTDE.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/DRGuTDE.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"205\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Poor People News, Babyface Maid has received a promotion to be Head Downstairs Boss Lady and is tasked with getting Hot Italian Chef to come back. Despite recently stomping all over his heart, she trots on over to his new workplace, as if that's not a supremely inappropriate thing to do. He looks at her like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stank-face-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98259\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stank-face-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef tells her he wouldn't return to the palace for even five times as much as his current salary. Getting your heart broken sucks, I agree, but dude, get them coins! There are other babyfaced fishes in the sea! You'll figure it out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid admits that it was wrong to ice him out for no good reason last year, and shares that she did eventually stop being a jerk long enough to go looking for him, only to find that it was too late. Hot Italian Chef agrees that, yes, it's definitely too little too late, and everything he's so strongly feeling in this moment is transmuted into a hit single by JoJo over a century later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-jgiwvWLzg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Uncle Leopold is already talking about the marriage he wants to arrange for the 12 week old princess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jennifer-lawrence-gross-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98260\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jennifer-lawrence-gross-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"636\" height=\"636\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only Victoria speaks up about how gross it is to talk about marrying off an infant. Albert's dad is like, \u003cem>Ugh, why is she still talking? Go make us a son, woman!\u003c/em> Victoria again has to pull out the verbal Mortal Kombat moves: \"What my country needs is a Queen, not a broodmare!\" You tell them, sis!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that week, at a post-baptism rave, Victoria receives more bad news from Afghanistan: Out of the 4000 troops, only one survived the ambush and escaped across the border. Everyone reacts differently:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Robert Peele:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's the previous administration's fault! Thanks, Obama!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Maybe if they were wearing my cool helmets, this wouldn't have happened!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle Leopold:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>What do we want? A male heir! When do we want it? NOW! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I know! Let's throw a Britain Is The Best party!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Albert is royally pissed. A party at such a time? Also, he has a feeling that Victoria is sending sexy letters to Lord M. Even after being shown Lord M's last letter, which is all about orchids (albeit one of the more vaginal-looking flowers out there), Albert nevertheless commits to throwing a tantrum (because it's not an episode of this show without one). \"Oh, Victoria! You are not stupid, and yet right now it appears you are not astute enough to realize you are behaving as if you are!\" For some reason, Victoria does not throw all the brushes at his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/hit-him-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98261\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/hit-him-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, the public assembles for Victoria's party, which turns out to be a yacht party! She gives a speech that goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hiiii! Okay, so, this boat is mine, like everything else in this country. It's called the Trafalgar in honor of that time we destroyed the French and Spanish navies. Wasn't that so dope? Anyway, sure, we just lost a bunch of men in Afghanistan, but, as the venerable DJ Khaled says, all we do is win, win, win, no matter what. So here's to ignoring the state of things and believing we're still the best in the world and that every other country is full of a bunch of savages! ......... \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdCYMvaUcrA\">Please clap\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Hot Italian Chef has taken my advice and returned to the Buckingham Palace kitchen to snatch them coins! Babyface Maid is excited and thinks all is forgiven. But the previous JoJo jam stands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-jgiwvWLzg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, Victoria tells Albert she wants their baby to marry for love, like she did, and not for dynastic reasons. Um, sorry to interrupt, your highness, but you do recall that you married your first cousin for dynastic reasons, right? Thinking he was hot doesn't change that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In yet another downstairs storyline no one asked for, some little kid is secretly living in the servants' areas, sniffing the Queen's undergarments, knocking over hats, and stealing cheese and wine. A new maid thinks it's the work of a ghost.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58727\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"351\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Albert's dad is annoyed that his allowance isn't bigger and that all the women at the palace are too ugly or too old to sleep with. It's hard out here for a straight white dude monarch. Our thoughts and prayers go out to him during this difficult time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, would you look at the time? It's Dash o'clock!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98383\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-1020x989.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"621\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-1020x989.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-160x155.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-800x776.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-768x745.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-1200x1164.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-1180x1145.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-960x931.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-240x233.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-375x364.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-520x504.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried.jpg 1464w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98382\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1020x567.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1020x567.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-800x445.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-768x427.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1200x668.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1920x1068.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1180x656.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-960x534.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-520x289.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can you even with those eyes? I feel renewed, don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moving right along... Some people collect baseball cards. Albert collects random hobbies. Trains! Helmets! And now calculators! He randomly starts geeking out with Ada Lovelace, thought to be the world's first computer programmer (also the daughter of Lord Byron -- that guy sure does get around!). Meanwhile, Victoria is back home, stumped at her desk over a term in one of her government papers -- a geometric something or other. But she doesn't want to ask Albert for help 'cause she just got him to stop being a condescending sexist jerk.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/math-sucks.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98374\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/math-sucks.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert comes home super jazzed about the future of computers. \u003cem>Just think of the possibilities! Someday, we'll all be able to get into weird relationships with strangers on AOL!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/online-see-me-sex-and-the-city-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98375\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/online-see-me-sex-and-the-city-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"299\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria doesn't know anything about this stuff, so all she can think to say is: \u003cem>Let's throw a house party for the nerds! \u003c/em>She quickly drafts a guest list and includes Lord M. Uh oh, Albert's man baby ego is not going to like this! Tantrum in 3, 2, 1...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid is still trying to make things better with Hot Italian Chef. He did come back, after all. Maybe he's on his way to forgiving her? Not so much. Turns out the Queen got him fired from his other gig in order to force him back to the Palace against his will.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38267\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While getting ready for the party, Victoria realizes she can't fit into her corset like she used to. Oh, brother, not another pregnancy! We *just* got done with that storyline!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/i-dont-want-it-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98376\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/i-dont-want-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">*checks the birth years of Queen Victoria's children on Wikipedia*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">SIGH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/survivor-eye-roll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98377\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/survivor-eye-roll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"294\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The night of the party, Victoria is shocked to find out Ada Lovelace is a super hot babe. She tries to chaperone Albert's conversation with her, but can't keep up. On the topic of pi, all she can offer is: \"What kind of pie needs to be divided into 125 pieces?\" Albert and Ada laugh, \u003cem>No, silly, not the kind of pie you eat! The mathematical constant! \u003c/em>Victoria stands there like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/anigif_sub-buzz-3761-1505152454-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98372\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/anigif_sub-buzz-3761-1505152454-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Embarrassed, Victoria ditches them for Lord M, who makes her feel smart and pretty again, as all men who've been friend-zoned are wont to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria has morning sickness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/im-bored-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98378\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/im-bored-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is as annoyed about the pregnancy as I am, so she picks a fight with Albert about Ada and math:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/math-worthless.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98373\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/math-worthless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert gets defensive: \"Lady Lovelace is a highly intelligent woman doing the most remarkable work!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which causes Victoria to also get defensive: \"And what am I then? An ignoramus who has to have things summarized by her husband?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They trade barbs back and forth for a while.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/friends-arguing-third-wheel.gif\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98381\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/friends-arguing-third-wheel.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert eventually storms out to have dinner with Ada (and 20 other mathematicians), against Victoria's wishes. So she sends a servant to tell him to return at once, to which he responds \u003cem>Make me! \u003c/em>And to think these two are considered mature enough to rule over a whole empire.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By the time he gets home, Victoria has already locked her bedroom doors and is busy spooning a loyal creature who knows less about math than she does.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98384\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1200x674.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1920x1078.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, she heads to Lord M's house and makes sure everyone knows where she's going. But nothing sexy happens because this isn't \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> (I miss those fornicators!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I interrupt the regularly scheduled program to bring you this important message: GAY SUBPLOT ALERT!!!! Peele's assistant, easily the hottest dude this season, helps that guy who was holding Dash earlier light his cigarette in a sensual way. More of this! Less of everything else!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98385\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1020x572.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1020x572.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1200x672.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1920x1076.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1180x661.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-960x538.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-520x291.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1020x461.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"289\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1020x461.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-160x72.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-800x361.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-768x347.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1200x542.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1920x867.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1180x533.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-960x434.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-240x108.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-375x169.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-520x235.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back to the main plot (if we must): Lord M takes a break from casually allowing leeches to suck out his blood (WTF) to write a letter to Victoria, encouraging her to stop dropping by unannounced (#introvert) and to also stop seeing other powerful women as competition (#feminist).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Victoria goes to see Ada and finds out Ada is too busy raising three children and inventing stuff to steal anyone's husband. Victoria and Ada both agree that being a woman in the 19th century blows.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/gilmore-girls-ya-ya-solidarity-sister-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98387\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/gilmore-girls-ya-ya-solidarity-sister-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That afternoon, Victoria apologizes to Albert for being jealous of Ada for no reason. Okay, Albert, now it's your turn to apologize for being jealous of Lord M for no reason for the past year.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/buffy-nods-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98411\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/buffy-nods-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">Oh, turns out he's not sorry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sarah-michelle-gellars-buffy-the-vampire-slayer-trivia-needs-a-little-work.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98388\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sarah-michelle-gellars-buffy-the-vampire-slayer-trivia-needs-a-little-work.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"500\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens up about how she fears motherhood could threaten her agency. Albert says he understands. Victoria pretends to believe him, and they live happily ever after (until next week, when they will surely continue to endlessly bicker about every little thing).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert's Dad & Uncle Leopold & Not Hot Mutton Chop Chef. \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lra5aklifM1r1ai0yo1_500.gif\">Go home, Roger!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Victoria's Dumped Bestie. \u003c/strong>Congratulations on narrowly avoiding syphilis!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Dash. \u003c/strong>He's a show-off and I love him for it. But you already knew that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Ada Lovelace. \u003c/strong>Major thanks for paving the way for the internet! Without her contributions, we might never have evolved to lie in bed all day watching \u003cem>The Great British Bake Off\u003c/em> on Netflix.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: The Maybe Gays.\u003c/strong> This will probably end like \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>'s gay storyline (i.e. not well), but for now I'm going to delude myself into believing the writers will let these two fall in love without tragedy or drug addiction or prison or one of them \u003ca href=\"https://www.lauraagustin.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/ennis.jpg\">smelling the other's denim shirt after he's dead\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Victoria throws a brush at her husband's face and hates her new baby. Also, two characters might be gay (#escandalo)!",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. If you’re too busy or impatient for all of that, here’s the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A teen named Alexandrina ascends to the throne when her uncle, King William IV, dies. She immediately makes some changes: de-ethnicizing her name to Victoria because foreigners are icky, and beginning to walk down stairs without holding onto her governess (*GASP*).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Brits don't take to her right away; gossip about her being super duper short and her tongue being too big for her mouth circulates. Victoria doesn't help matters by forcing an invasive gynecological exam on a woman she believes to be a ginormous whore. Turns out the woman was a virgin whose distended belly had nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with a huge cancerous tumor. Humiliated, the woman dies soon thereafter. Victoria gives a \u003cem>My bad!\u003c/em> shrug and proceeds to forget all about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In addition to bullying virgins with cancer, Victoria spends her time channeling her daddy issues into a flirtation with her Prime Minister, Lord M, who was 40 years older than her in real life. It doesn't work out because he never got over his wife ditching him for Lord Byron (yes, the famed poet!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Victoria looks elsewhere for a baby daddy, and not too far because she settles on her first cousin, Albert, who is the human embodiment of a nap-deprived toddler having a Veruca Salt-level tantrum. The duo bicker from the start: on the subjects of stamps, gardens vs. forests, old Masters vs. modern art, whether beets are poor people food, etc. Instead of finding a partner who doesn't brattily pick a fight over every little thing, Victoria thinks, \u003cem>Eh, this is good enough for a lifetime, I suppose\u003c/em>, marries him, and has his baby, who surprisingly arrives without some kind of incest-inspired deformity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and in a forced \"downstairs\" storyline meant to conjure the success of \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>, a baby-faced maid almost ran off with a hot Italian chef, but didn't because she's a dummy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let’s do this…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We're thrown right into a bomb cyclone blizzard. No, we haven't found ourselves at \u003ca href=\"http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/The_Wall\">The Wall\u003c/a> from \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> (you'll have to \u003ca href=\"http://ew.com/tv/2018/01/04/game-thrones-2019/\">wait until 2019\u003c/a> for that); we're in Afghanistan!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things aren't going well for the Brits, who are embroiled in what is either called the First Anglo-Afghan War (why must there always be a sequel?) or the \"\u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Anglo-Afghan_War\">Disaster in Afghanistan\u003c/a>,\" depending on your perspective. The troops quietly say goodbye to their fingers and toes before frostbite snatches them, and prepare themselves to probably be ambushed and die for the vaguest of causes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But you know who has it worse, judging by her annoyed huffing and puffing? Queen Victoria, whose #squad is insisting on wrapping her up in blankets and pushing her around in a fancy three-wheeled cushioned chair. I could dedicate the next several sentences to how this upsetting juxtaposition of class divides speaks to modern American society, but instead I'm going to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">OMG, DASH THE DOG IS BACK!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98243\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1020x560.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"351\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1020x560.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-800x439.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-768x421.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1200x658.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1920x1053.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-1180x647.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-960x527.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-2-520x285.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">HOW I'VE MISSED HIM!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98244\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1020x548.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"344\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1020x548.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-160x86.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-800x430.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-768x413.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1200x645.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1920x1032.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-1180x634.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-960x516.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-240x129.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-375x202.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-1-520x279.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">LOOK AT HIS FACE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98245\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1020x665.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"417\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1020x665.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-160x104.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-800x522.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-768x501.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1200x783.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1920x1252.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-1180x770.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-960x626.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-240x157.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-375x245.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-victoria-heart-520x339.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that I got that out of my system, back to the issues at hand. The Hot Italian Chef has left Buckingham Palace to go start a food truck or whatever, so there's a new chef downstairs. I was fully prepared to call this new character Hot New Chef, but he's... well... not, so he will henceforth be called Not Hot Mutton Chop Chef.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/rhobh-not-cute-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98247\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/rhobh-not-cute-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Victoria refuses to be carted around anymore. She wants to go outside and almost get assassinated again like last season!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast, missy! Apparently, the custom is that, after giving birth, the new mother must be \"churched\" (i.e. purified by a priest) before being reintroduced into society because men are scared of the power of female bodies and must make women feel dirty and less than at every turn so they don't get bright ideas of having equal rights or running for President or something crazy like that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/patriarchy-wonder-woman-gif-punch.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98248\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/patriarchy-wonder-woman-gif-punch.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"600\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria (sort of ) takes a stand against misogyny: \"I am not a woman. I am a Queen.\" But Albert reveals himself to be Team #ImNotWithHer, so Victoria goes to the church to be purified and have her \"sin\" cast out because whatever hubby says, goes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To celebrate her sinlessness, Victoria rides around on a horse and then tries to make another baby with Albert on an uncomfortable chair. But her sexy plan is thwarted by a servant, who brings in their newborn. I'm guessing Victoria forgot to put the sock on the door handle. What an amateur.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert runs to the baby and obsesses over its blue eyes. Victoria snaps at him: \"All babies have blue eyes, Albert!\" The Aryan Nation is strong with this one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/so-white-gif-the-office.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98249\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/so-white-gif-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Not Hot Mutton Chop Chef pulls a knife on a maid. This was before HR departments were invented, so, after the briefest of reprimands, Not Hot Mutton Chop Chef is allowed to continue handling knives around defenseless young women. What could possibly go wrong?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is ready to get back to work, but Albert doesn't want to give back control. A standoff ensues.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/tug-of-war-dogs-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98251\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/tug-of-war-dogs-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Albert inspect an army regiment. Albert shares his belief that the fancy plumes on the helmets aren't useful during actual war. Victoria's response: \u003cem>But they're so cute! \u003c/em>During this facepalm-worthy exchange, a bunch of Brits in Afghanistan scream \"OH, COME ON!\" before freezing to death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Victoria announces that she has officially given in to Prime Minister Peele's request that she replace her ladies with women from his conservative party. She has dumped her bestie for someone called the Duchess of Buccleuch (that's apparently a real word). When Peele finds out Victoria picked her of all people, his face takes on the appearance of an elongated \u003cem>EWWWW\u003c/em>, so this should be good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>During her final exchange with Dumped Bestie, Victoria skips any I'm-going-to-miss-you-so-much-Let's-keep-in-touch mooshiness and instead opts for this unusual parting topic: \u003cem>Hey, did you also despise your baby at first? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"204\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, the Duchess of Buccleuch (does this pairing of letters upset anyone else?) arrives. She's old, she's crabby, and she's played by the same actress who played \u003ca href=\"http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Olenna_Tyrell\">Olenna Tyrell\u003c/a> in \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> (reincarnation is real!). Like I said: this should be good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before bed, Victoria finds out that Albert has been making a bunch of decisions behind her back and withholding key information about the mess in Afghanistan so as not to overburden her small lady brain. She is not amused.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Gif-Queen-Elizabeth-II.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98410\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/Gif-Queen-Elizabeth-II.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of saying sorry for grossly overstepping his bounds, Albert whines that only the Prime Minister appreciates him; Peele even was \"most complimentary\" about his sketches of new plume-less helmets for the soldiers. Victoria takes one look at them and says, \"I don't give a fig about your helmets\" before storming out. Albert demands to know where she thinks she's going. Victoria K.O.s him with this: \"To the nursery! Isn't that where you think I belong?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mortal-kombat-flawless-victory.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98254\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mortal-kombat-flawless-victory.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"285\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria is hanging out with the Duchess of Buccleuch and learning a bit about her likes and dislikes:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dislikes:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Unmarried women reading novels.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Foreigners touching British babies.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Black people in general.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Shakespeare.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Dust.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Likes:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>The good old days.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Um, yeah, that's about it.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Governess Dictator interrupts their joyless hang by asking Victoria if she wants to see her baby. Victoria's vibe is \u003cem>Not really, but since you all are watching, I guess\u003c/em>. 15 seconds later, the baby farts and cries and Victoria asks for her to be taken away at once. This little princess is going to have A LOT to talk about in therapy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if things weren't uncomfortable enough within the royal marriage, a bunch of relatives of both Victoria and Albert (because, remember, they're FIRST COUSINS) decide to visit Buckingham Palace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's father-in-law/uncle (ew) doesn't waste any time declaring it \"a pity\" that the new baby is a girl, and that he expects a grandson by Christmas. Um, hello to you too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle Leopold is as tactless as his brother, announcing that he's excited to help Albert with all the royal responsibilities. Victoria quickly shuts him down by saying he can for sure help Albert on whatever little plumbing commission she's created to keep him busy while she's, you know, actually running sh-t.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Albert's brother, Ernst, looks around and is like, \u003cem>Hey, Victoria, where'd your bestie go? I never got the chance to give her syphilis!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/syphilis2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98257\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/syphilis2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At dinner that night, everyone hates the soup. Victoria's mom even finds an entire chicken head in her bowl! It is decreed that Hot Italian Chef will be reinstated ASAP. So I can stop putting together this whitehouse.gov petition then? Cool!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before bed, mostly because of Afghanistan, but also partly because that soup was genuinely very bad, Victoria is in a rage. Albert continues to insist that keeping important information from her makes sense 'cause women shouldn't worry their little heads about war. With my full approval, Victoria throws a brush directly at Albert's face. Brava, your majesty, brava!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ernst listens to Albert whine about the brush-throwing incident, and breaks it down for his bro: \u003cem>Um, maybe don't undermine her at every turn? And perhaps ease up on usurping her duties and trying to control every single thing she does?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A lightbulb goes off over Albert's head. \u003cem>Ohhh, you mean respect her? I never thought of that! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/DRGuTDE.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/DRGuTDE.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"205\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Poor People News, Babyface Maid has received a promotion to be Head Downstairs Boss Lady and is tasked with getting Hot Italian Chef to come back. Despite recently stomping all over his heart, she trots on over to his new workplace, as if that's not a supremely inappropriate thing to do. He looks at her like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stank-face-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98259\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/stank-face-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef tells her he wouldn't return to the palace for even five times as much as his current salary. Getting your heart broken sucks, I agree, but dude, get them coins! There are other babyfaced fishes in the sea! You'll figure it out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid admits that it was wrong to ice him out for no good reason last year, and shares that she did eventually stop being a jerk long enough to go looking for him, only to find that it was too late. Hot Italian Chef agrees that, yes, it's definitely too little too late, and everything he's so strongly feeling in this moment is transmuted into a hit single by JoJo over a century later.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/v-jgiwvWLzg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/v-jgiwvWLzg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Back at the palace, Uncle Leopold is already talking about the marriage he wants to arrange for the 12 week old princess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jennifer-lawrence-gross-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98260\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/jennifer-lawrence-gross-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"636\" height=\"636\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only Victoria speaks up about how gross it is to talk about marrying off an infant. Albert's dad is like, \u003cem>Ugh, why is she still talking? Go make us a son, woman!\u003c/em> Victoria again has to pull out the verbal Mortal Kombat moves: \"What my country needs is a Queen, not a broodmare!\" You tell them, sis!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that week, at a post-baptism rave, Victoria receives more bad news from Afghanistan: Out of the 4000 troops, only one survived the ambush and escaped across the border. Everyone reacts differently:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Robert Peele:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's the previous administration's fault! Thanks, Obama!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Maybe if they were wearing my cool helmets, this wouldn't have happened!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle Leopold:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>What do we want? A male heir! When do we want it? NOW! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I know! Let's throw a Britain Is The Best party!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Albert is royally pissed. A party at such a time? Also, he has a feeling that Victoria is sending sexy letters to Lord M. Even after being shown Lord M's last letter, which is all about orchids (albeit one of the more vaginal-looking flowers out there), Albert nevertheless commits to throwing a tantrum (because it's not an episode of this show without one). \"Oh, Victoria! You are not stupid, and yet right now it appears you are not astute enough to realize you are behaving as if you are!\" For some reason, Victoria does not throw all the brushes at his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/hit-him-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98261\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/hit-him-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, the public assembles for Victoria's party, which turns out to be a yacht party! She gives a speech that goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hiiii! Okay, so, this boat is mine, like everything else in this country. It's called the Trafalgar in honor of that time we destroyed the French and Spanish navies. Wasn't that so dope? Anyway, sure, we just lost a bunch of men in Afghanistan, but, as the venerable DJ Khaled says, all we do is win, win, win, no matter what. So here's to ignoring the state of things and believing we're still the best in the world and that every other country is full of a bunch of savages! ......... \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdCYMvaUcrA\">Please clap\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Hot Italian Chef has taken my advice and returned to the Buckingham Palace kitchen to snatch them coins! Babyface Maid is excited and thinks all is forgiven. But the previous JoJo jam stands.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/v-jgiwvWLzg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/v-jgiwvWLzg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>That evening, Victoria tells Albert she wants their baby to marry for love, like she did, and not for dynastic reasons. Um, sorry to interrupt, your highness, but you do recall that you married your first cousin for dynastic reasons, right? Thinking he was hot doesn't change that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In yet another downstairs storyline no one asked for, some little kid is secretly living in the servants' areas, sniffing the Queen's undergarments, knocking over hats, and stealing cheese and wine. A new maid thinks it's the work of a ghost.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58727\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"351\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Albert's dad is annoyed that his allowance isn't bigger and that all the women at the palace are too ugly or too old to sleep with. It's hard out here for a straight white dude monarch. Our thoughts and prayers go out to him during this difficult time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, would you look at the time? It's Dash o'clock!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98383\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-1020x989.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"621\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-1020x989.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-160x155.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-800x776.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-768x745.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-1200x1164.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-1180x1145.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-960x931.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-240x233.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-375x364.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-520x504.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-carried.jpg 1464w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98382\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1020x567.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1020x567.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-800x445.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-768x427.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1200x668.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1920x1068.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1180x656.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-960x534.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-sitting-puppy-dog-eyes-520x289.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can you even with those eyes? I feel renewed, don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moving right along... Some people collect baseball cards. Albert collects random hobbies. Trains! Helmets! And now calculators! He randomly starts geeking out with Ada Lovelace, thought to be the world's first computer programmer (also the daughter of Lord Byron -- that guy sure does get around!). Meanwhile, Victoria is back home, stumped at her desk over a term in one of her government papers -- a geometric something or other. But she doesn't want to ask Albert for help 'cause she just got him to stop being a condescending sexist jerk.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/math-sucks.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98374\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/math-sucks.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert comes home super jazzed about the future of computers. \u003cem>Just think of the possibilities! Someday, we'll all be able to get into weird relationships with strangers on AOL!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/online-see-me-sex-and-the-city-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98375\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/online-see-me-sex-and-the-city-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"299\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria doesn't know anything about this stuff, so all she can think to say is: \u003cem>Let's throw a house party for the nerds! \u003c/em>She quickly drafts a guest list and includes Lord M. Uh oh, Albert's man baby ego is not going to like this! Tantrum in 3, 2, 1...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid is still trying to make things better with Hot Italian Chef. He did come back, after all. Maybe he's on his way to forgiving her? Not so much. Turns out the Queen got him fired from his other gig in order to force him back to the Palace against his will.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38267\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While getting ready for the party, Victoria realizes she can't fit into her corset like she used to. Oh, brother, not another pregnancy! We *just* got done with that storyline!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/i-dont-want-it-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98376\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/i-dont-want-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">*checks the birth years of Queen Victoria's children on Wikipedia*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">SIGH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/survivor-eye-roll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98377\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/survivor-eye-roll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"294\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The night of the party, Victoria is shocked to find out Ada Lovelace is a super hot babe. She tries to chaperone Albert's conversation with her, but can't keep up. On the topic of pi, all she can offer is: \"What kind of pie needs to be divided into 125 pieces?\" Albert and Ada laugh, \u003cem>No, silly, not the kind of pie you eat! The mathematical constant! \u003c/em>Victoria stands there like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/anigif_sub-buzz-3761-1505152454-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98372\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/anigif_sub-buzz-3761-1505152454-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Embarrassed, Victoria ditches them for Lord M, who makes her feel smart and pretty again, as all men who've been friend-zoned are wont to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria has morning sickness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/im-bored-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98378\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/im-bored-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is as annoyed about the pregnancy as I am, so she picks a fight with Albert about Ada and math:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/math-worthless.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98373\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/math-worthless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert gets defensive: \"Lady Lovelace is a highly intelligent woman doing the most remarkable work!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which causes Victoria to also get defensive: \"And what am I then? An ignoramus who has to have things summarized by her husband?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They trade barbs back and forth for a while.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/friends-arguing-third-wheel.gif\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98381\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/friends-arguing-third-wheel.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert eventually storms out to have dinner with Ada (and 20 other mathematicians), against Victoria's wishes. So she sends a servant to tell him to return at once, to which he responds \u003cem>Make me! \u003c/em>And to think these two are considered mature enough to rule over a whole empire.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By the time he gets home, Victoria has already locked her bedroom doors and is busy spooning a loyal creature who knows less about math than she does.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98384\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1200x674.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1920x1078.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/dash-spooning-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, she heads to Lord M's house and makes sure everyone knows where she's going. But nothing sexy happens because this isn't \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> (I miss those fornicators!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I interrupt the regularly scheduled program to bring you this important message: GAY SUBPLOT ALERT!!!! Peele's assistant, easily the hottest dude this season, helps that guy who was holding Dash earlier light his cigarette in a sensual way. More of this! Less of everything else!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98385\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1020x572.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1020x572.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1200x672.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1920x1076.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-1180x661.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-960x538.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-2-520x291.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-98386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1020x461.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"289\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1020x461.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-160x72.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-800x361.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-768x347.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1200x542.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1920x867.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-1180x533.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-960x434.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-240x108.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-375x169.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sexy-look-victoria-520x235.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back to the main plot (if we must): Lord M takes a break from casually allowing leeches to suck out his blood (WTF) to write a letter to Victoria, encouraging her to stop dropping by unannounced (#introvert) and to also stop seeing other powerful women as competition (#feminist).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Victoria goes to see Ada and finds out Ada is too busy raising three children and inventing stuff to steal anyone's husband. Victoria and Ada both agree that being a woman in the 19th century blows.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/gilmore-girls-ya-ya-solidarity-sister-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98387\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/gilmore-girls-ya-ya-solidarity-sister-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That afternoon, Victoria apologizes to Albert for being jealous of Ada for no reason. Okay, Albert, now it's your turn to apologize for being jealous of Lord M for no reason for the past year.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/buffy-nods-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98411\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/buffy-nods-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">Oh, turns out he's not sorry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sarah-michelle-gellars-buffy-the-vampire-slayer-trivia-needs-a-little-work.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98388\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/sarah-michelle-gellars-buffy-the-vampire-slayer-trivia-needs-a-little-work.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"500\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens up about how she fears motherhood could threaten her agency. Albert says he understands. Victoria pretends to believe him, and they live happily ever after (until next week, when they will surely continue to endlessly bicker about every little thing).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert's Dad & Uncle Leopold & Not Hot Mutton Chop Chef. \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lra5aklifM1r1ai0yo1_500.gif\">Go home, Roger!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Victoria's Dumped Bestie. \u003c/strong>Congratulations on narrowly avoiding syphilis!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Dash. \u003c/strong>He's a show-off and I love him for it. But you already knew that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Ada Lovelace. \u003c/strong>Major thanks for paving the way for the internet! Without her contributions, we might never have evolved to lie in bed all day watching \u003cem>The Great British Bake Off\u003c/em> on Netflix.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: The Maybe Gays.\u003c/strong> This will probably end like \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>'s gay storyline (i.e. not well), but for now I'm going to delude myself into believing the writers will let these two fall in love without tragedy or drug addiction or prison or one of them \u003ca href=\"https://www.lauraagustin.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/ennis.jpg\">smelling the other's denim shirt after he's dead\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Finale Recap: Look What You Made Me Do",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross kissed Elizabeth all over her head, Demelza asked for an open relationship, and Jennifer Lawrence randomly hooked up with Gross Goblin. Will Ross get mono from all that smooching? Will Demelza finally blast some Marvin Gaye and get it on with Prison Bestie? Will Jennifer Lawrence explain why in the world she gave her sister's evil husband a lap dance? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the edge of a cliff, Bone Maraca Pirate and Mrs. Pigpen are getting tanked on rum because what else is there to do in 18th-century Cornwall? But something disrupts their day drinking; French ships coming in hot! All the other bored and/or drunk townies pick up their pitchforks and tiki torches (too soon?), vow to start using the term \"freedom fries\" (not too soon), and head to the beach to meet the invasion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/pitchfork-mob-gif-south-park.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97460\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/pitchfork-mob-gif-south-park.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But no one comes ashore. The French were either spying or just wanted to take a sick Instagram shot of waves crashing on the English shore (no one said getting 100 likes was easy).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/like-instagram-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97459\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/like-instagram-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a different cliffside, Demelza reads a poem from Prison Bestie. It reads:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Roses are red\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Violets are blue\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Please f-ck me.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is wowed by his frank lyricism. Her adultery likelihood meter goes from 95% to 96%.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way back from passing laws in London that make sure poor people can't afford grain during a famine, Malfoy passes Drake's house and sees him minding his own damn business. Malfoy makes a mental note to destroy the little happiness he has left because sociopaths gonna sociopath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Toe Jam Headquarters, Doc prescribes Morwenna a tincture that will help her deal with her FML existence (it knocks her out cold) and advises Gross Goblin to continue not raping her. Gross Goblin quickly agrees because Jennifer Lawrence has taken off her shoe and is rubbing her foot while staring longingly at him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear Jennifer Lawrence, I have one thing to say to you:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16986\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Doc leaves, Morwenna snores and dreams of toads, while Gross Goblin and J. La have really loud sex in the next room.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/scarlet-ohara-gone-with-the-wind-gagging-upset-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97461\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/scarlet-ohara-gone-with-the-wind-gagging-upset-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross has been chosen to lead a neighborhood-watch militia. I can't even pretend to care at this point.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/next-housewives-kenya-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97464\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/next-housewives-kenya-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Athlete's Foot Locker, Jennifer Lawrence announces that she's pregnant. So it's official. She never wanted revenge for her sister, only to get a piece of that toe-slurping action. Congratulations, J. La, you're officially the worst.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-you-gif-22.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97466\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-you-gif-22.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Drake discovers that someone has destroyed his blacksmith shop and driven off his customers. Geez, let the poor boy sadly hammer hot metal! Demelza realizes Malfoy is most likely behind this and runs to Ross for help. Ross says he has bigger things to worry about and explains that his awesome, gorgeous, cool ex would never allow such a thing to happen anyway. Demelza's facial reaction (and a little something I added) speaks for us all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97467\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-1920x1077.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For those keeping track, her extra-marital affair likelihood meter just went up from 96% to 97%.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Toe Fungus Incorporated, Jennifer Lawrence has an idea: she'll get married to a random librarian and they'll pretend Gross Goblin has nothing to do with the baby... for a price. So this was all about money? It would have been so much better if Jennifer Lawrence had been a revenge-obsessed mastermind, but she's just a horny blackmailer. FAIL. The writers trying to effectively utilize this character:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Funny-Fail-Moments-034.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Funny-Fail-Moments-034.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"321\" height=\"354\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other side of town, Demelza continues to beg Ross to stand up for Drake and all the poor people being trampled by the Malfoys of the world. For once, Ross doesn't feel like it. \"You would have me pontificate and play the hero and make some grand, dramatic gesture. I am not that man, Demelza! I have never been that man!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hold on a minute, brb. *rewatches the past three seasons of this show* Okay, I'm back. Um, Ross, you are very much the kind of man who loves pontificating and playing the hero. Just admit that you're feeling lazy today.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Malfoy's Slytherin crony burns down Drake's barn. I distinctly hear a horse in distress, but am choosing to ignore the possibility that this dude just murdered Drake's horse for no good reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/wpid-wp-1435808733932.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97470\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/wpid-wp-1435808733932.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"420\" height=\"398\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I get enough violence against horses from \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>, thank you very much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because he's a decent person who hasn't yet learned that you can't convince people to stop being pure evil by politely asking, Drake strolls over to Elizabeth's to humbly request that her husband's thugs maybe stop trying to kill him and his livelihood. While Elizabeth is in the middle of saying that Malfoy would never do such a thing, Malfoy storms in, threatens to have Drake physically thrown out, and flat-out admits to terrorizing Cornwall's Nicest Person of the Year. Somehow, Elizabeth is surprised by this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/use-your-brain-dance-moms-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97471\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/use-your-brain-dance-moms-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Drake continues to mind his business in the nicest way possible, when three Slytherin cronies accuse him of trespassing. They proceed to punch, stomp, and almost kick him to death, before dumping his body into a muddy ditch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/help-somebody-simba.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/help-somebody-simba.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on Bunions and Corns Drive, Jennifer Lawrence is still blackmailing Gross Goblin by threatening to write the Bishop about the baby and the mole shaped like a pig's tail on Gross Goblin's butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/too-much-information-tmi-chandler-friends-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97474\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/too-much-information-tmi-chandler-friends-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"285\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna overhears everything and feels bummed that she's not only married to trash, but related to it too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-everyone-pissed-girl-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-everyone-pissed-girl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the muddy ditch, Demelza and Sam find Drake and rush him home. Doc is like, \u003cem>Woah, you almost died... again! \u003c/em>Drake is too nice to say what he's thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-shit-sherlock-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-shit-sherlock-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake is also too nice to tell anyone the identities of his almost-murderers. Ughhhh, sometimes when they go low, we don't have to go high, Michelle!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam agrees with me. He takes a break from memorizing the Bible to run to the bar and incite a riot with the help of Bone Maraca Pirate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/amen-raven-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97477\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/amen-raven-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"330\" height=\"248\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Malfoy Manor, Elizabeth finally gets pissed about something Malfoy has done and threatens to end their marriage (this probably just means staying married but not talking to each other that much because it's the 18th century). Being mean to Drake is akin to the high crime of kicking all the puppies. I'm glad Elizabeth can see that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/even-a-broken-clock-is-right-twice-a-day-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97478\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/even-a-broken-clock-is-right-twice-a-day-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Drake's bedside, Mrs. Pigpen grabs Demelza to tell her she has a visitor. When Demelza resists, Mrs. Pigpen sermonizes: \"How oft do the men take a fancy to a woman, and sometimes act on it?\" Preach that Gospel!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36622\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza declares that, since Ross gave up all thoughts of Elizabeth, she should do the same with Prison Bestie. Mrs. Pigpen, #TeamPrisonBestie co-captain (I'm the other one), replies: \"Did he? You sure?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38275\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Ingrown Toe Nail Lane, Gross Goblin barges into Morwenna's room and demands sex. But he quickly learns that the Old Morwenna can't come to the phone right now. Why? 'Cause she's dead! The new Morwenna has had it. She tells him to get the F out of her room and never come back. When he unbuckles his belt and starts his rape routine, she threatens to murder their child.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who's had it (for the zillionth time): Demelza. She finds Ross and tells him she knows about how he kissed Elizabeth all over her head. \"I'm weary of it. Secret kisses, secret smiles. How many more secrets must there be between us? Keep them, Ross. Keep them all. And I will keep mine.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20666\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza walks home to find Prison Bestie waiting for her. She's like, \u003cem>Hey, I got your little poem. Let's do this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/get-it-girl-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/get-it-girl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They walk to the beach, where Prison Bestie reveals that, in six months, he will be completely blind. Demelza holds his hand (and the meter ticks up a notch from 97% to 98%).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Ross gets a letter informing him that there is a threat in town. He runs off with his little neighborhood watch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/no-one-cares-hunter-E2-99-A5-35130856-391-331.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48723\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/no-one-cares-hunter-E2-99-A5-35130856-391-331.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"391\" height=\"331\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back to the good stuff: Prison Bestie explains to Demelza that yes, he technically owes his life to Ross and it would be pretty messed up to sex up his wife, but having an affair would be so cool and poetic! Demelza isn't so sure... until he puts his hand on her collarbone. 99%!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97484\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-1920x1077.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then he says, \"Shall we grant ourselves to each other, so I may go into the darkness knowing that I once tasted heaven?\" *throws adultery meter out* Not even a real French invasion could stop this seduction at this point.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza takes his hand and leads him into the grass!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-7.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-7.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"284\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">They lie down!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-2-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97489\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-2-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">They kiss!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-3-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97488 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-3-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">He puts his hand on her knee!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">She guides it up her skirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-4-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97487 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-4-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">They get to it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-6-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97486\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-6-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In more snooze-worthy news, Ross and his little militia are awaiting the supposed threat. It turns out to just be Sam and Bone Maraca Pirate's riot. They want to raid Malfoy's grain storage to feed the starving. Despite the fact that this kind of Robin Hood-ing is very much Ross' brand, he threatens to shoot all of his poor friends and vows to defend the interests of the ruling class.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-confused-2-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97494 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-confused-2-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam is like, \u003cem>Bro, WTF! You love poor people! Let us eat.\u003c/em> Ross warns that they have until the count of 10 to leave.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-confused-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97491\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-confused-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bone Maraca defiantly says, \"Or what?\" Ross' militia load and point their rifles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-pained-reaction-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97492\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-pained-reaction-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross barks that they leave him no choice. Bone Maraca Pirate starts counting for him because he's a bad ass.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-ears-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97493\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-ears-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"277\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Bone Maraca Pirate gets to 10, Ross has a flashback of the guillotine and pictures all his friends getting shot, so he announces that he still cares about poor people and will run for Parliament at some point to advocate for their right not to starve to death. That's cute and all, but these people are starving \u003cem>right now,\u003c/em> and you just randomly pulled a bunch of guns on them. We're supposed to just forgive and forget that?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-huh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97497\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-huh-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"290\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently so. Bone Maraca Pirate and the other rioters react like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-okay-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97498\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-okay-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sidenote:\u003c/strong> Et tu, Doc? You still have firing squad PTSD and now you've joined one? I thought you were better than this. Consider your Horace the Pug petting privileges REVOKED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-1020x570.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-1020x570.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-1920x1073.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-520x291.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Elizabeth wins an Oscar for Best Actress in a Loveless Marriage by putting on a big show of leaving Malfoy unless he swears on a Bible that he'll never bring up Valentine obviously being her ex's baby. Malfoy sobs and does as she asks. It's pretty awesome to see the twerp cry, but, in this situation, I'm #TeamNobody.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-both-of-you-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97503\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-both-of-you-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"243\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upon returning from almost killing a bunch of his friends, Ross can't find Demelza anywhere. Mrs. Pigpen feels really bad for drunkenly stirring the pot so hard earlier, and tells him Demelza went off with \"a visitor\" and might not come back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/dorinda-ashamed-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97504\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/dorinda-ashamed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"232\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While desperately looking for Demelza, Ross instead finds Malfoy, who doesn't waste a moment gloating about how loyal his wife and how promising his government career are. All together now:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over on Foot-in-Mouth Avenue, Morwenna hears a knock at the door and opens it to find a bouquet of flowers. She walks outside and says, \"Wherever you are, know that I love you.\" A beat-up Drake, hiding behind the front gate, breaks down. Morwenna does too. I'm not crying, you are!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cry-sob-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97505\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cry-sob-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross lies in bed alone, thinking about what a crappy husband he's been and how embarrassing it's going to be when Demelza drags him on her new single:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97510\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-800x812.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"609\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-800x812.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-160x162.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-768x779.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-960x974.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-240x244.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-375x381.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-520x528.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark.jpg 1009w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' thoughts are interrupted by a returning Demelza.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I thought you might not return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I thought so too. And here I am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They lie beside each other, both sad and regretful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Demelza, may I ask...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No, Ross. Ask me nothing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They look at each other through their shared pain. Ross holds her into the night and whatever comes next.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97507\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry-bottle-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry-bottle-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Since the season is over, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Gross Goblin, Malfoy, Slytherin Crony, Jennifer Lawrence. \u003c/strong>I hope their birthday parties get cancelled and they all die. 🙂\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Sam. \u003c/strong>Congrats to him for finally taking a break from judging people for kissing to do something productive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Bone Maraca Pirate. \u003c/strong>Now that Agatha's gone, B.M.P. has taken over the role of the delightful smack-talking alcoholic elder. I'm into it.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Morwenna and Drake. \u003c/strong>Giving them a fake medal is the least I can do for the year they've had. Idea for next season: They stop taking crap from people and go on a \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em>-style revenge rampage.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>Demelza. \u003c/strong>She finally had enough of being an afterthought / doormat and did something purely for herself for once. I'm sure some of the fandom will judge her harsher than they judged Ross when he cheated (#sexism #patriarchy), but I stand with Demelza.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until next year! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, before you go, vote in this poll to determine whether I recap \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> Season 2 or not:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[polldaddy poll=9877696]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "I'm sorry, the old Demelza can't come to the phone right now. Why? 'Cause she's dead!",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross kissed Elizabeth all over her head, Demelza asked for an open relationship, and Jennifer Lawrence randomly hooked up with Gross Goblin. Will Ross get mono from all that smooching? Will Demelza finally blast some Marvin Gaye and get it on with Prison Bestie? Will Jennifer Lawrence explain why in the world she gave her sister's evil husband a lap dance? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the edge of a cliff, Bone Maraca Pirate and Mrs. Pigpen are getting tanked on rum because what else is there to do in 18th-century Cornwall? But something disrupts their day drinking; French ships coming in hot! All the other bored and/or drunk townies pick up their pitchforks and tiki torches (too soon?), vow to start using the term \"freedom fries\" (not too soon), and head to the beach to meet the invasion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/pitchfork-mob-gif-south-park.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97460\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/pitchfork-mob-gif-south-park.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But no one comes ashore. The French were either spying or just wanted to take a sick Instagram shot of waves crashing on the English shore (no one said getting 100 likes was easy).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/like-instagram-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97459\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/like-instagram-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a different cliffside, Demelza reads a poem from Prison Bestie. It reads:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Roses are red\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Violets are blue\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Please f-ck me.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is wowed by his frank lyricism. Her adultery likelihood meter goes from 95% to 96%.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way back from passing laws in London that make sure poor people can't afford grain during a famine, Malfoy passes Drake's house and sees him minding his own damn business. Malfoy makes a mental note to destroy the little happiness he has left because sociopaths gonna sociopath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Toe Jam Headquarters, Doc prescribes Morwenna a tincture that will help her deal with her FML existence (it knocks her out cold) and advises Gross Goblin to continue not raping her. Gross Goblin quickly agrees because Jennifer Lawrence has taken off her shoe and is rubbing her foot while staring longingly at him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear Jennifer Lawrence, I have one thing to say to you:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16986\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Doc leaves, Morwenna snores and dreams of toads, while Gross Goblin and J. La have really loud sex in the next room.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/scarlet-ohara-gone-with-the-wind-gagging-upset-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97461\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/scarlet-ohara-gone-with-the-wind-gagging-upset-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross has been chosen to lead a neighborhood-watch militia. I can't even pretend to care at this point.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/next-housewives-kenya-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97464\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/next-housewives-kenya-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Athlete's Foot Locker, Jennifer Lawrence announces that she's pregnant. So it's official. She never wanted revenge for her sister, only to get a piece of that toe-slurping action. Congratulations, J. La, you're officially the worst.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-you-gif-22.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97466\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-you-gif-22.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Drake discovers that someone has destroyed his blacksmith shop and driven off his customers. Geez, let the poor boy sadly hammer hot metal! Demelza realizes Malfoy is most likely behind this and runs to Ross for help. Ross says he has bigger things to worry about and explains that his awesome, gorgeous, cool ex would never allow such a thing to happen anyway. Demelza's facial reaction (and a little something I added) speaks for us all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97467\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-1920x1077.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-middle-finger-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For those keeping track, her extra-marital affair likelihood meter just went up from 96% to 97%.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Toe Fungus Incorporated, Jennifer Lawrence has an idea: she'll get married to a random librarian and they'll pretend Gross Goblin has nothing to do with the baby... for a price. So this was all about money? It would have been so much better if Jennifer Lawrence had been a revenge-obsessed mastermind, but she's just a horny blackmailer. FAIL. The writers trying to effectively utilize this character:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Funny-Fail-Moments-034.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Funny-Fail-Moments-034.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"321\" height=\"354\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other side of town, Demelza continues to beg Ross to stand up for Drake and all the poor people being trampled by the Malfoys of the world. For once, Ross doesn't feel like it. \"You would have me pontificate and play the hero and make some grand, dramatic gesture. I am not that man, Demelza! I have never been that man!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hold on a minute, brb. *rewatches the past three seasons of this show* Okay, I'm back. Um, Ross, you are very much the kind of man who loves pontificating and playing the hero. Just admit that you're feeling lazy today.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Malfoy's Slytherin crony burns down Drake's barn. I distinctly hear a horse in distress, but am choosing to ignore the possibility that this dude just murdered Drake's horse for no good reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/wpid-wp-1435808733932.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97470\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/wpid-wp-1435808733932.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"420\" height=\"398\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I get enough violence against horses from \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>, thank you very much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because he's a decent person who hasn't yet learned that you can't convince people to stop being pure evil by politely asking, Drake strolls over to Elizabeth's to humbly request that her husband's thugs maybe stop trying to kill him and his livelihood. While Elizabeth is in the middle of saying that Malfoy would never do such a thing, Malfoy storms in, threatens to have Drake physically thrown out, and flat-out admits to terrorizing Cornwall's Nicest Person of the Year. Somehow, Elizabeth is surprised by this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/use-your-brain-dance-moms-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97471\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/use-your-brain-dance-moms-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Drake continues to mind his business in the nicest way possible, when three Slytherin cronies accuse him of trespassing. They proceed to punch, stomp, and almost kick him to death, before dumping his body into a muddy ditch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/help-somebody-simba.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/help-somebody-simba.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on Bunions and Corns Drive, Jennifer Lawrence is still blackmailing Gross Goblin by threatening to write the Bishop about the baby and the mole shaped like a pig's tail on Gross Goblin's butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/too-much-information-tmi-chandler-friends-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97474\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/too-much-information-tmi-chandler-friends-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"285\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna overhears everything and feels bummed that she's not only married to trash, but related to it too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-everyone-pissed-girl-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-everyone-pissed-girl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the muddy ditch, Demelza and Sam find Drake and rush him home. Doc is like, \u003cem>Woah, you almost died... again! \u003c/em>Drake is too nice to say what he's thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-shit-sherlock-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-shit-sherlock-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake is also too nice to tell anyone the identities of his almost-murderers. Ughhhh, sometimes when they go low, we don't have to go high, Michelle!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam agrees with me. He takes a break from memorizing the Bible to run to the bar and incite a riot with the help of Bone Maraca Pirate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/amen-raven-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97477\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/amen-raven-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"330\" height=\"248\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Malfoy Manor, Elizabeth finally gets pissed about something Malfoy has done and threatens to end their marriage (this probably just means staying married but not talking to each other that much because it's the 18th century). Being mean to Drake is akin to the high crime of kicking all the puppies. I'm glad Elizabeth can see that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/even-a-broken-clock-is-right-twice-a-day-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97478\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/even-a-broken-clock-is-right-twice-a-day-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Drake's bedside, Mrs. Pigpen grabs Demelza to tell her she has a visitor. When Demelza resists, Mrs. Pigpen sermonizes: \"How oft do the men take a fancy to a woman, and sometimes act on it?\" Preach that Gospel!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36622\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza declares that, since Ross gave up all thoughts of Elizabeth, she should do the same with Prison Bestie. Mrs. Pigpen, #TeamPrisonBestie co-captain (I'm the other one), replies: \"Did he? You sure?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38275\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Ingrown Toe Nail Lane, Gross Goblin barges into Morwenna's room and demands sex. But he quickly learns that the Old Morwenna can't come to the phone right now. Why? 'Cause she's dead! The new Morwenna has had it. She tells him to get the F out of her room and never come back. When he unbuckles his belt and starts his rape routine, she threatens to murder their child.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who's had it (for the zillionth time): Demelza. She finds Ross and tells him she knows about how he kissed Elizabeth all over her head. \"I'm weary of it. Secret kisses, secret smiles. How many more secrets must there be between us? Keep them, Ross. Keep them all. And I will keep mine.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20666\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza walks home to find Prison Bestie waiting for her. She's like, \u003cem>Hey, I got your little poem. Let's do this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/get-it-girl-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/get-it-girl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They walk to the beach, where Prison Bestie reveals that, in six months, he will be completely blind. Demelza holds his hand (and the meter ticks up a notch from 97% to 98%).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Ross gets a letter informing him that there is a threat in town. He runs off with his little neighborhood watch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/no-one-cares-hunter-E2-99-A5-35130856-391-331.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48723\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/no-one-cares-hunter-E2-99-A5-35130856-391-331.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"391\" height=\"331\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back to the good stuff: Prison Bestie explains to Demelza that yes, he technically owes his life to Ross and it would be pretty messed up to sex up his wife, but having an affair would be so cool and poetic! Demelza isn't so sure... until he puts his hand on her collarbone. 99%!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97484\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-1920x1077.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-poldark-heart-eyes-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then he says, \"Shall we grant ourselves to each other, so I may go into the darkness knowing that I once tasted heaven?\" *throws adultery meter out* Not even a real French invasion could stop this seduction at this point.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza takes his hand and leads him into the grass!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-7.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-7.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"284\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">They lie down!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-2-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97489\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-2-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">They kiss!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-3-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97488 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-3-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">He puts his hand on her knee!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">She guides it up her skirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-4-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97487 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-4-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">They get to it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-6-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97486\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kelly-rowland-6-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In more snooze-worthy news, Ross and his little militia are awaiting the supposed threat. It turns out to just be Sam and Bone Maraca Pirate's riot. They want to raid Malfoy's grain storage to feed the starving. Despite the fact that this kind of Robin Hood-ing is very much Ross' brand, he threatens to shoot all of his poor friends and vows to defend the interests of the ruling class.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-confused-2-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97494 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-confused-2-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam is like, \u003cem>Bro, WTF! You love poor people! Let us eat.\u003c/em> Ross warns that they have until the count of 10 to leave.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-confused-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97491\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-confused-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bone Maraca defiantly says, \"Or what?\" Ross' militia load and point their rifles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-pained-reaction-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97492\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-pained-reaction-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross barks that they leave him no choice. Bone Maraca Pirate starts counting for him because he's a bad ass.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-ears-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97493\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-ears-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"277\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Bone Maraca Pirate gets to 10, Ross has a flashback of the guillotine and pictures all his friends getting shot, so he announces that he still cares about poor people and will run for Parliament at some point to advocate for their right not to starve to death. That's cute and all, but these people are starving \u003cem>right now,\u003c/em> and you just randomly pulled a bunch of guns on them. We're supposed to just forgive and forget that?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-huh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97497\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-huh-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"290\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently so. Bone Maraca Pirate and the other rioters react like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-okay-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97498\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-okay-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sidenote:\u003c/strong> Et tu, Doc? You still have firing squad PTSD and now you've joined one? I thought you were better than this. Consider your Horace the Pug petting privileges REVOKED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-1020x570.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-1020x570.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-1920x1073.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cancelled-poldark-520x291.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Elizabeth wins an Oscar for Best Actress in a Loveless Marriage by putting on a big show of leaving Malfoy unless he swears on a Bible that he'll never bring up Valentine obviously being her ex's baby. Malfoy sobs and does as she asks. It's pretty awesome to see the twerp cry, but, in this situation, I'm #TeamNobody.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-both-of-you-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97503\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-hate-both-of-you-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"243\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upon returning from almost killing a bunch of his friends, Ross can't find Demelza anywhere. Mrs. Pigpen feels really bad for drunkenly stirring the pot so hard earlier, and tells him Demelza went off with \"a visitor\" and might not come back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/dorinda-ashamed-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97504\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/dorinda-ashamed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"232\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While desperately looking for Demelza, Ross instead finds Malfoy, who doesn't waste a moment gloating about how loyal his wife and how promising his government career are. All together now:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over on Foot-in-Mouth Avenue, Morwenna hears a knock at the door and opens it to find a bouquet of flowers. She walks outside and says, \"Wherever you are, know that I love you.\" A beat-up Drake, hiding behind the front gate, breaks down. Morwenna does too. I'm not crying, you are!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cry-sob-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97505\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cry-sob-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross lies in bed alone, thinking about what a crappy husband he's been and how embarrassing it's going to be when Demelza drags him on her new single:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97510\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-800x812.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"609\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-800x812.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-160x162.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-768x779.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-960x974.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-240x244.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-375x381.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-520x528.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/look-what-you-made-me-do-demelza-poldark.jpg 1009w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' thoughts are interrupted by a returning Demelza.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I thought you might not return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I thought so too. And here I am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They lie beside each other, both sad and regretful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Demelza, may I ask...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No, Ross. Ask me nothing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They look at each other through their shared pain. Ross holds her into the night and whatever comes next.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97507\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry-bottle-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bethenny-cry-bottle-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Since the season is over, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Gross Goblin, Malfoy, Slytherin Crony, Jennifer Lawrence. \u003c/strong>I hope their birthday parties get cancelled and they all die. 🙂\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Sam. \u003c/strong>Congrats to him for finally taking a break from judging people for kissing to do something productive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Bone Maraca Pirate. \u003c/strong>Now that Agatha's gone, B.M.P. has taken over the role of the delightful smack-talking alcoholic elder. I'm into it.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Morwenna and Drake. \u003c/strong>Giving them a fake medal is the least I can do for the year they've had. Idea for next season: They stop taking crap from people and go on a \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em>-style revenge rampage.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>Demelza. \u003c/strong>She finally had enough of being an afterthought / doormat and did something purely for herself for once. I'm sure some of the fandom will judge her harsher than they judged Ross when he cheated (#sexism #patriarchy), but I stand with Demelza.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until next year! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, before you go, vote in this poll to determine whether I recap \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> Season 2 or not:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[polldaddy poll=9877696]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/13/poldark-season-3-episode-7-recap-i-wanna-sex-you-up/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: I Wanna Sex You Up",
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"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross trademarked the title of World’s Most Neglectful Husband, Demelza started considering the idea of having sex with someone who doesn’t just roll over after and immediately resume talking about saving poor people, and, in spectacular drama queen fashion, Agatha spilled the beans about Valentine’s paternity and then promptly croaked. Will Ross apologize for everything (i.e. cheating, having a kid with his ex, years of being emotionally unavailable, cutting his hair too short last season, etc.) and encourage Demelza to write a \u003cem>Lemonade\u003c/em>-style diss album about him? Will Demelza get her groove back with Prison Bestie? Will Agatha’s ghost put toads in Malfoy’s pants or just flat-out murder him? (I’m down for either, honestly.) Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Ross and Demelza stand over Agatha’s mud grave, wondering the same things we viewers are still asking ourselves:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul class=\"ul1\">\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Why couldn’t someone unfunny have died instead?\u003c/li>\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Why couldn’t literally anyone else have died instead?\u003c/li>\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Is it wrong that I’m okay with using blood magic to bring her back?\u003c/li>\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Why didn’t Agatha’s tarot cards warn her to hide that family Bible so she could keep randomly lying about her age and live to twerk at her birthday bash?\u003c/li>\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Would it be tacky to inscribe “It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to” on Agatha’s tombstone?\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Across town, Malfoy writes another entry about Valentine in his burn book, while Elizabeth works up a sweat pretending not to know why he started despising her baby all of a sudden. Malfoy announces that he will move to London, if he is elected to Parliament. In that case, count me in on canvassing and going door-to-door for his campaign. Make Cornwall Great (and Malfoy-Less) Again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bye-bye-dance-moms-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97341\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bye-bye-dance-moms-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Over at Blondie and Doc’s house, OMG HORACE THE PUG IS BACK, MORE BEAUTIFUL AND BODY-POSITIVE THAN EVER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97342\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-1020x569.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-1920x1072.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-520x290.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">My mouth literally fell open upon the sight of his bodaciousness. (Yes, I realize I have an unhealthy obsession with this animal, and no, I don’t want help.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97343\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-1920x1076.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Upon seeing Malfoy, Horace sends a \u003cem>Who's this schmuck?\u003c/em> look his way, before being carried out of the room like the regal prince he is. The camera unfortunately doesn’t follow him, but stays with Malfoy, who quizzes Doc on why Valentine was born with nails, smooth skin, and cool hair like Ross’ if he was allegedly premature. Doc considers channeling Maury and screaming \"YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!\" in Malfoy’s stupid, punchable face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/chandler-you-are-not-the-father-maury-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97344\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/chandler-you-are-not-the-father-maury-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"363\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But he plays dumb instead because he’s had enough drama in his life for one year. Snacking on macarons > French firing squads and baby daddy drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">At the edge of a cliff, Demelza stares at the portrait Prison Bestie sketched of her. To cheat or not to cheat, that is the question. Under normal circumstances, I’d advise against it, but, after watching Ross treat Demelza like steaming garbage for three seasons, I say, go for it! Prison Bestie is super hot in a I-just-got-my-driver’s-license kind of way. He’ll do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But Demelza doesn’t receive my telepathic encouragement because she crumples up the sketch and throws it off the cliff. Just ‘cause your husband makes you miserable doesn’t mean you should litter!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/dont-litter-captain-planet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97345\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/dont-litter-captain-planet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"381\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Over at Toe Jam Headquarters, Doc advises Gross Goblin to cool it on the traumatizing-Morwenna-with-kinky-sex front if he wants to avoid crushing his unborn baby. Gross Goblin is outraged. He’s \u003ca href=\"http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_majx8h7nRF1qal3lwo1_400.gif\">a Samantha\u003c/a>! He needs sexual healing! But then he remembers the feet of Morwenna’s sister, Jennifer Lawrence, and vows to slobber over them soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bridesmaids-puke-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97346\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bridesmaids-puke-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"202\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">When Demelza returns home from trashing the planet, Prison Bestie greets her with flowers. She makes this face, which translates to: I wanna sex you up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97347\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-1020x575.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"361\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-1020x575.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-800x451.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-768x433.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-1920x1082.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-1180x665.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-960x541.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-240x135.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-375x211.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-520x293.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Ross eventually interrupts their flirty hang. In a nothing-romantic-to-see-here maneuver, Demelza says, “Look! Prison Bestie brought me a plant!” Nice try, Demelza. What's next? \"Prison Bestie was just keeping my lips warm with his mouth\"?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">After Prison Bestie leaves because it’s awkward, Ross lectures Demelza on having common sense and not cheating. Demelza quotes her favorite line from \u003cem>Bridesmaids\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bridesmaids-f_ckin-kidding-me.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97348\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bridesmaids-f_ckin-kidding-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Mrs. \u003ca href=\"https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/peanuts/images/b/bd/Pigpen.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20160715070328\">Pigpen\u003c/a> (the maid) performs a cheer advocating for Demelza to get it on with Prison Bestie. Gimme an A, gimme a D, gimme a U, L, T, E, R, Y! What does that spell? KARMA!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Over at the Heartbreak Hotel, Drake is still keeping busy hammering hot metal or whatever (he has a lot of time on his hands now that he doesn't have to spend all of his days randomly letting toads loose for Morwenna). Sam pauses his 5293rd reread of the Bible to recommend that Drake make baby Jesus really happy by getting married. Bone Maraca Pirate’s daughter shows up out of nowhere to preach some feminist Gospel: Why get married, just for a husband to control and ignore you, when you could stay single and do whatever you want?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42259\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"310\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Demelza insists marriage doesn’t have to suck, if you choose the right guy. Move over, Cleopatra. There's a new Queen of Denial.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Fast forward to Election Day. Ross and Demelza think Malfoy is way too evil and unqualified to have a chance at winning his bid for Parliament. They go to the pub to celebrate as the results come in. But things don’t go their way. Malfoy manages to win somehow. Everything seems wrong and topsy-turvy. They flip through the stages of grief (minus the acceptance part) a thousand times in an hour, before sticking with desperate depression. Sound familiar to anyone?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/hillary-clinton-yup.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97350\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/hillary-clinton-yup.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-cry-yes-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97351\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-cry-yes-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"154\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Across town, Morwenna goes into labor. Gross Goblin prays out loud for her to die in childbirth so he can get to know her sister’s toes. He is disappointed when both wife and son survive. Can Jennifer Lawrence put poison in his food or cut off his tongue or whatever she's plotting already?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back at the sad election party, Malfoy strolls in to gloat. It isn’t long before he and Ross are hurling insults. Malfoy says he doesn’t give a you-know-what about securing a proper headstone for Agatha (did he not like my inscription idea?), so Ross offers to talk to Elizabeth about it; she’s a former Poldark, after all, and so is her son… Geoffrey Charles. Malfoy screams, “DAMN YOU, ROSS! DAMN YOUR BLOOD!” Fight, fight, fight! Put Malfoy’s head in the fireplace like that one time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kill-him-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97353\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kill-him-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"171\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Alas, calmer heads prevail, and Ross and Demelza leave the bar.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/harry-potter-ron-wtf-come-on-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97354\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/harry-potter-ron-wtf-come-on-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"214\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">By the time Malfoy gets home, Elizabeth is already researching which hipster neighborhood in London she wants to live in. Malfoy tells her that she won’t be moving, which disappoints her for some reason. He hates you and your kids, and just bullied an old lady to death. A life without having to cozy up to Voldemort Jr. everyday? Consider it a win!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Over at Gross Goblin’s house, Morwenna looks down at her new baby and thinks, \u003cem>Eww\u003c/em>. Meanwhile, in another room, Gross Goblin peeps through a crack in the wall at Jennifer Lawrence soaping up her feet in the bath. He rushes to Morwenna's bed and rips the covers off of her. Despite Doc’s advice to practice abstinence while Morwenna heals, Gross Goblin demands that she close her eyes and take it. She screams no repeatedly. I’ve got no jokes for this scene. Can we dial down all this rape, \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers? Geez!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/do-not-want-gif-puppy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97355\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/do-not-want-gif-puppy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"384\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The next day, Morwenna, who’s been put through enough, has to sit through tea with Elizabeth, the architect of her misfortune. “I confess, cousin, I’d hoped to see you stronger,” Elizabeth says. The nerve! Why hasn't Agatha's ghost smashed a pie in her face yet?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Proving that maybe she’s only 99.9% evil, Elizabeth admonishes Gross Goblin for not letting Morwenna see a doctor and calls for Doc, who comes over to repeat: \u003cem>Dude! Cool it with all the raping please!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross runs into Elizabeth at the cemetery. They consider having the exchange most exes have:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ex #1:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh. Hey. How are you? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ex #2:\u003c/strong> \u003ci>Fine.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ex #1: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Same.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ex #2:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Okay, bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Ross and Elizabeth decide to messily hash out all of their problems instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>We dated so long ago. Why does Malfoy still care so much?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, are you dumb? You and I have a secret love child together!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>WHAT?!? For some reason, I've never once considered that possibility, despite it being so plainly obvious to anyone with a brain!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Someone must have told him, but who?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha's Ghost:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Okay, wow, you two are equally dumb and belong together. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Anyway, no biggie! Just lie to Malfoy. That's what I always do with my wife.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Perfect, not-at-all-deceitful plan! What could go wrong?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then Ross cradles Elizabeth's face with both hands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/stop.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97366\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/stop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And kisses her on her forehead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/stop-it-get-some-help-michael-jordan-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97367\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/stop-it-get-some-help-michael-jordan-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And on her upper cheek.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/nope-no-no.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97365\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/nope-no-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And on her lower cheek.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/make_it_stop_boy_meets_world.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97368\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/make_it_stop_boy_meets_world.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"215\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And finally on her mouth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/4739279-2833597-6313173573-tumbl.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97363\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/4739279-2833597-6313173573-tumbl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"148\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97362\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bad-dog-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"298\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mrs. Pigpen sees the whole thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47451\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross opens up to Demelza. (There's a sentence that's never appeared in these recaps.) He admits to loving Elizabeth (!) and kissing her (!!!), but assures Demelza that it's not romantic love anymore, and that he's changed for the better, thanks to being married to her. Woah. What just happened? Ross taking accountability, and being honest and emotionally vulnerable? Am I watching the right show?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/winona-weird-faces.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97374\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/winona-weird-faces.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"396\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boooo, it was just a dream sequence! In reality, Ross is rude to Demelza for no reason and barks at her to stop asking him questions. Sounds about right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a house party later that day, Prison Bestie is done with talking in sexy riddles. He goes right up to Demelza and says he loves her more than life. Okay, dude, cool your jets, you've hung out like three times.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He goes on: \"It is not perfection I seek. 'Tis flesh. And blood.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horny-gif-jersey-shore.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97375\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horny-gif-jersey-shore.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate room, Ross argues with Prison Bestie's uncle over whether poor people are human or not, but cuts the debate short by saying: \"I think I must rejoin my wife. She will think I've abandoned her.\" TOO LATE, ROSS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross returns to the party to find Demelza serenading Prison Bestie with a song about how much they want to have sex with each other, but maybe shouldn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Toe Jam HQ, Morwenna receives a package from Drake. I hope it's a toad! Oh, it's a necklace of her and her baby. That works too, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the other room, Jennifer Lawrence sits on Gross Goblin's lap and rips open her top. Wait, what?? This whole time, she hasn't been hatching some revenge scheme, but instead just wanted a piece of that toe-gobbling action?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Taylor-Swift-Confused-look.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65965\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Taylor-Swift-Confused-look.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross continues lying about what happened at the cemetery, while demanding that Demelza come clean about having the hots for Prison Bestie. Demelza doesn't deny it and asks for an open relationship.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/pearl-clutch-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97376\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/pearl-clutch-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Ross. \u003c/strong>You made your bed. Now sleep in it... alone!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The City of London. \u003c/strong>Thanks for taking Malfoy off our hands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Garrick the Dog. \u003c/strong>Some of you are annoyed I only ever mention Horace the Pug. (Like Prison Bestie, I can't help who I fall in love with!) So here's a shiny little shout-out to Garrick for being cute in his own way. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Prison Bestie. \u003c/strong>Hat tip for being bold and recently making it through puberty without ever getting a single zit.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Demelza.\u003c/strong> Get it, girl.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Gimme an A, gimme a D, gimme a U, L, T, E, R, Y! What does that spell? KARMA.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross trademarked the title of World’s Most Neglectful Husband, Demelza started considering the idea of having sex with someone who doesn’t just roll over after and immediately resume talking about saving poor people, and, in spectacular drama queen fashion, Agatha spilled the beans about Valentine’s paternity and then promptly croaked. Will Ross apologize for everything (i.e. cheating, having a kid with his ex, years of being emotionally unavailable, cutting his hair too short last season, etc.) and encourage Demelza to write a \u003cem>Lemonade\u003c/em>-style diss album about him? Will Demelza get her groove back with Prison Bestie? Will Agatha’s ghost put toads in Malfoy’s pants or just flat-out murder him? (I’m down for either, honestly.) Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Ross and Demelza stand over Agatha’s mud grave, wondering the same things we viewers are still asking ourselves:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul class=\"ul1\">\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Why couldn’t someone unfunny have died instead?\u003c/li>\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Why couldn’t literally anyone else have died instead?\u003c/li>\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Is it wrong that I’m okay with using blood magic to bring her back?\u003c/li>\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Why didn’t Agatha’s tarot cards warn her to hide that family Bible so she could keep randomly lying about her age and live to twerk at her birthday bash?\u003c/li>\n\u003cli class=\"li1\">Would it be tacky to inscribe “It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to” on Agatha’s tombstone?\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Across town, Malfoy writes another entry about Valentine in his burn book, while Elizabeth works up a sweat pretending not to know why he started despising her baby all of a sudden. Malfoy announces that he will move to London, if he is elected to Parliament. In that case, count me in on canvassing and going door-to-door for his campaign. Make Cornwall Great (and Malfoy-Less) Again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bye-bye-dance-moms-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97341\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bye-bye-dance-moms-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Over at Blondie and Doc’s house, OMG HORACE THE PUG IS BACK, MORE BEAUTIFUL AND BODY-POSITIVE THAN EVER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97342\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-1020x569.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-1920x1072.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-heart-poldark-520x290.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">My mouth literally fell open upon the sight of his bodaciousness. (Yes, I realize I have an unhealthy obsession with this animal, and no, I don’t want help.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97343\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-1920x1076.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horace-poldark-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Upon seeing Malfoy, Horace sends a \u003cem>Who's this schmuck?\u003c/em> look his way, before being carried out of the room like the regal prince he is. The camera unfortunately doesn’t follow him, but stays with Malfoy, who quizzes Doc on why Valentine was born with nails, smooth skin, and cool hair like Ross’ if he was allegedly premature. Doc considers channeling Maury and screaming \"YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!\" in Malfoy’s stupid, punchable face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/chandler-you-are-not-the-father-maury-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97344\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/chandler-you-are-not-the-father-maury-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"363\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But he plays dumb instead because he’s had enough drama in his life for one year. Snacking on macarons > French firing squads and baby daddy drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">At the edge of a cliff, Demelza stares at the portrait Prison Bestie sketched of her. To cheat or not to cheat, that is the question. Under normal circumstances, I’d advise against it, but, after watching Ross treat Demelza like steaming garbage for three seasons, I say, go for it! Prison Bestie is super hot in a I-just-got-my-driver’s-license kind of way. He’ll do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But Demelza doesn’t receive my telepathic encouragement because she crumples up the sketch and throws it off the cliff. Just ‘cause your husband makes you miserable doesn’t mean you should litter!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/dont-litter-captain-planet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97345\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/dont-litter-captain-planet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"381\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Over at Toe Jam Headquarters, Doc advises Gross Goblin to cool it on the traumatizing-Morwenna-with-kinky-sex front if he wants to avoid crushing his unborn baby. Gross Goblin is outraged. He’s \u003ca href=\"http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_majx8h7nRF1qal3lwo1_400.gif\">a Samantha\u003c/a>! He needs sexual healing! But then he remembers the feet of Morwenna’s sister, Jennifer Lawrence, and vows to slobber over them soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bridesmaids-puke-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97346\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bridesmaids-puke-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"202\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">When Demelza returns home from trashing the planet, Prison Bestie greets her with flowers. She makes this face, which translates to: I wanna sex you up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97347\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-1020x575.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"361\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-1020x575.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-800x451.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-768x433.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-1920x1082.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-1180x665.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-960x541.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-240x135.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-375x211.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-smile-poldark-520x293.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Ross eventually interrupts their flirty hang. In a nothing-romantic-to-see-here maneuver, Demelza says, “Look! Prison Bestie brought me a plant!” Nice try, Demelza. What's next? \"Prison Bestie was just keeping my lips warm with his mouth\"?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">After Prison Bestie leaves because it’s awkward, Ross lectures Demelza on having common sense and not cheating. Demelza quotes her favorite line from \u003cem>Bridesmaids\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bridesmaids-f_ckin-kidding-me.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97348\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bridesmaids-f_ckin-kidding-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Mrs. \u003ca href=\"https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/peanuts/images/b/bd/Pigpen.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20160715070328\">Pigpen\u003c/a> (the maid) performs a cheer advocating for Demelza to get it on with Prison Bestie. Gimme an A, gimme a D, gimme a U, L, T, E, R, Y! What does that spell? KARMA!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Over at the Heartbreak Hotel, Drake is still keeping busy hammering hot metal or whatever (he has a lot of time on his hands now that he doesn't have to spend all of his days randomly letting toads loose for Morwenna). Sam pauses his 5293rd reread of the Bible to recommend that Drake make baby Jesus really happy by getting married. Bone Maraca Pirate’s daughter shows up out of nowhere to preach some feminist Gospel: Why get married, just for a husband to control and ignore you, when you could stay single and do whatever you want?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42259\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"310\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Demelza insists marriage doesn’t have to suck, if you choose the right guy. Move over, Cleopatra. There's a new Queen of Denial.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Fast forward to Election Day. Ross and Demelza think Malfoy is way too evil and unqualified to have a chance at winning his bid for Parliament. They go to the pub to celebrate as the results come in. But things don’t go their way. Malfoy manages to win somehow. Everything seems wrong and topsy-turvy. They flip through the stages of grief (minus the acceptance part) a thousand times in an hour, before sticking with desperate depression. Sound familiar to anyone?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/hillary-clinton-yup.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97350\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/hillary-clinton-yup.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-cry-yes-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97351\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-cry-yes-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"154\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Across town, Morwenna goes into labor. Gross Goblin prays out loud for her to die in childbirth so he can get to know her sister’s toes. He is disappointed when both wife and son survive. Can Jennifer Lawrence put poison in his food or cut off his tongue or whatever she's plotting already?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back at the sad election party, Malfoy strolls in to gloat. It isn’t long before he and Ross are hurling insults. Malfoy says he doesn’t give a you-know-what about securing a proper headstone for Agatha (did he not like my inscription idea?), so Ross offers to talk to Elizabeth about it; she’s a former Poldark, after all, and so is her son… Geoffrey Charles. Malfoy screams, “DAMN YOU, ROSS! DAMN YOUR BLOOD!” Fight, fight, fight! Put Malfoy’s head in the fireplace like that one time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kill-him-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97353\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/kill-him-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"171\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Alas, calmer heads prevail, and Ross and Demelza leave the bar.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/harry-potter-ron-wtf-come-on-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97354\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/harry-potter-ron-wtf-come-on-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"214\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">By the time Malfoy gets home, Elizabeth is already researching which hipster neighborhood in London she wants to live in. Malfoy tells her that she won’t be moving, which disappoints her for some reason. He hates you and your kids, and just bullied an old lady to death. A life without having to cozy up to Voldemort Jr. everyday? Consider it a win!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Over at Gross Goblin’s house, Morwenna looks down at her new baby and thinks, \u003cem>Eww\u003c/em>. Meanwhile, in another room, Gross Goblin peeps through a crack in the wall at Jennifer Lawrence soaping up her feet in the bath. He rushes to Morwenna's bed and rips the covers off of her. Despite Doc’s advice to practice abstinence while Morwenna heals, Gross Goblin demands that she close her eyes and take it. She screams no repeatedly. I’ve got no jokes for this scene. Can we dial down all this rape, \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers? Geez!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/do-not-want-gif-puppy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97355\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/do-not-want-gif-puppy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"384\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The next day, Morwenna, who’s been put through enough, has to sit through tea with Elizabeth, the architect of her misfortune. “I confess, cousin, I’d hoped to see you stronger,” Elizabeth says. The nerve! Why hasn't Agatha's ghost smashed a pie in her face yet?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Proving that maybe she’s only 99.9% evil, Elizabeth admonishes Gross Goblin for not letting Morwenna see a doctor and calls for Doc, who comes over to repeat: \u003cem>Dude! Cool it with all the raping please!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross runs into Elizabeth at the cemetery. They consider having the exchange most exes have:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ex #1:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh. Hey. How are you? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ex #2:\u003c/strong> \u003ci>Fine.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ex #1: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Same.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ex #2:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Okay, bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Ross and Elizabeth decide to messily hash out all of their problems instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>We dated so long ago. Why does Malfoy still care so much?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, are you dumb? You and I have a secret love child together!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>WHAT?!? For some reason, I've never once considered that possibility, despite it being so plainly obvious to anyone with a brain!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Someone must have told him, but who?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha's Ghost:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Okay, wow, you two are equally dumb and belong together. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Anyway, no biggie! Just lie to Malfoy. That's what I always do with my wife.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Perfect, not-at-all-deceitful plan! What could go wrong?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then Ross cradles Elizabeth's face with both hands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/stop.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97366\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/stop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And kisses her on her forehead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/stop-it-get-some-help-michael-jordan-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97367\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/stop-it-get-some-help-michael-jordan-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And on her upper cheek.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/nope-no-no.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97365\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/nope-no-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And on her lower cheek.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/make_it_stop_boy_meets_world.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97368\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/make_it_stop_boy_meets_world.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"215\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And finally on her mouth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/4739279-2833597-6313173573-tumbl.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97363\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/4739279-2833597-6313173573-tumbl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"148\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97362\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bad-dog-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"298\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mrs. Pigpen sees the whole thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47451\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross opens up to Demelza. (There's a sentence that's never appeared in these recaps.) He admits to loving Elizabeth (!) and kissing her (!!!), but assures Demelza that it's not romantic love anymore, and that he's changed for the better, thanks to being married to her. Woah. What just happened? Ross taking accountability, and being honest and emotionally vulnerable? Am I watching the right show?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/winona-weird-faces.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97374\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/winona-weird-faces.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"396\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boooo, it was just a dream sequence! In reality, Ross is rude to Demelza for no reason and barks at her to stop asking him questions. Sounds about right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a house party later that day, Prison Bestie is done with talking in sexy riddles. He goes right up to Demelza and says he loves her more than life. Okay, dude, cool your jets, you've hung out like three times.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He goes on: \"It is not perfection I seek. 'Tis flesh. And blood.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horny-gif-jersey-shore.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97375\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/horny-gif-jersey-shore.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate room, Ross argues with Prison Bestie's uncle over whether poor people are human or not, but cuts the debate short by saying: \"I think I must rejoin my wife. She will think I've abandoned her.\" TOO LATE, ROSS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross returns to the party to find Demelza serenading Prison Bestie with a song about how much they want to have sex with each other, but maybe shouldn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Toe Jam HQ, Morwenna receives a package from Drake. I hope it's a toad! Oh, it's a necklace of her and her baby. That works too, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the other room, Jennifer Lawrence sits on Gross Goblin's lap and rips open her top. Wait, what?? This whole time, she hasn't been hatching some revenge scheme, but instead just wanted a piece of that toe-gobbling action?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Taylor-Swift-Confused-look.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65965\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Taylor-Swift-Confused-look.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross continues lying about what happened at the cemetery, while demanding that Demelza come clean about having the hots for Prison Bestie. Demelza doesn't deny it and asks for an open relationship.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/pearl-clutch-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97376\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/pearl-clutch-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Ross. \u003c/strong>You made your bed. Now sleep in it... alone!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The City of London. \u003c/strong>Thanks for taking Malfoy off our hands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Garrick the Dog. \u003c/strong>Some of you are annoyed I only ever mention Horace the Pug. (Like Prison Bestie, I can't help who I fall in love with!) So here's a shiny little shout-out to Garrick for being cute in his own way. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Prison Bestie. \u003c/strong>Hat tip for being bold and recently making it through puberty without ever getting a single zit.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Demelza.\u003c/strong> Get it, girl.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"tagline": "The flip side of gentrification, told through one town",
"info": "Gentrification is changing cities across America, forcing people from neighborhoods they have long called home. Call them the displaced. Now those priced out of the Bay Area are looking for a better life in an unlikely place. American Suburb follows this migration to one California town along the Delta, 45 miles from San Francisco. But is this once sleepy suburb ready for them?",
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"order": 19
},
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"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?mt=2&id=1287748328",
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"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/feed/podcast",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkMzMDExODgxNjA5"
}
},
"baycurious": {
"id": "baycurious",
"title": "Bay Curious",
"tagline": "Exploring the Bay Area, one question at a time",
"info": "KQED’s new podcast, Bay Curious, gets to the bottom of the mysteries — both profound and peculiar — that give the Bay Area its unique identity. And we’ll do it with your help! You ask the questions. You decide what Bay Curious investigates. And you join us on the journey to find the answers.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Bay-Curious-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
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"order": 3
},
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}
},
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"info": "The day's top stories from BBC News compiled twice daily in the week, once at weekends.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 9pm-10pm, TUE-FRI 1am-2am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/BBC-World-Service-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
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"source": "BBC World Service"
},
"link": "/radio/program/bbc-world-service",
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"rss": "https://podcasts.files.bbci.co.uk/p02nq0gn.rss"
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},
"californiareport": {
"id": "californiareport",
"title": "The California Report",
"tagline": "California, day by day",
"info": "KQED’s statewide radio news program providing daily coverage of issues, trends and public policy decisions.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-California-Report-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
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"officialWebsiteLink": "/californiareport",
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"source": "kqed",
"order": 8
},
"link": "/californiareport",
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}
},
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"id": "californiareportmagazine",
"title": "The California Report Magazine",
"tagline": "Your state, your stories",
"info": "Every week, The California Report Magazine takes you on a road trip for the ears: to visit the places and meet the people who make California unique. The in-depth storytelling podcast from the California Report.",
"airtime": "FRI 4:30pm-5pm, 6:30pm-7pm, 11pm-11:30pm",
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"order": 10
},
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"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM3NjkwNjk1OTAz",
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},
"city-arts": {
"id": "city-arts",
"title": "City Arts & Lectures",
"info": "A one-hour radio program to hear celebrated writers, artists and thinkers address contemporary ideas and values, often discussing the creative process. Please note: tapes or transcripts are not available",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/05/cityartsandlecture-300x300.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.cityarts.net/",
"airtime": "SUN 1pm-2pm, TUE 10pm, WED 1am",
"meta": {
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"source": "City Arts & Lectures"
},
"link": "https://www.cityarts.net",
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"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/City-Arts-and-Lectures-p692/",
"rss": "https://www.cityarts.net/feed/"
}
},
"closealltabs": {
"id": "closealltabs",
"title": "Close All Tabs",
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"info": "Close All Tabs breaks down how digital culture shapes our world through thoughtful insights and irreverent humor.",
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"order": 1
},
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"code-switch-life-kit": {
"id": "code-switch-life-kit",
"title": "Code Switch / Life Kit",
"info": "\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em>, which listeners will hear in the first part of the hour, has fearless and much-needed conversations about race. Hosted by journalists of color, the show tackles the subject of race head-on, exploring how it impacts every part of society — from politics and pop culture to history, sports and more.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em>, which will be in the second part of the hour, guides you through spaces and feelings no one prepares you for — from finances to mental health, from workplace microaggressions to imposter syndrome, from relationships to parenting. The show features experts with real world experience and shares their knowledge. Because everyone needs a little help being human.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510312/codeswitch\">\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/lifekit\">\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />",
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"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Code-Switch-Life-Kit-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
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},
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"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnByLm9yZy9yc3MvcG9kY2FzdC5waHA_aWQ9NTEwMzEy",
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},
"commonwealth-club": {
"id": "commonwealth-club",
"title": "Commonwealth Club of California Podcast",
"info": "The Commonwealth Club of California is the nation's oldest and largest public affairs forum. As a non-partisan forum, The Club brings to the public airwaves diverse viewpoints on important topics. The Club's weekly radio broadcast - the oldest in the U.S., dating back to 1924 - is carried across the nation on public radio stations and is now podcasting. Our website archive features audio of our recent programs, as well as selected speeches from our long and distinguished history. This podcast feed is usually updated twice a week and is always un-edited.",
"airtime": "THU 10pm, FRI 1am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Commonwealth-Club-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
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"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "Commonwealth Club of California"
},
"link": "/radio/program/commonwealth-club",
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"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/commonwealth-club-of-california-podcast/id976334034?mt=2",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cDovL3d3dy5jb21tb253ZWFsdGhjbHViLm9yZy9hdWRpby9wb2RjYXN0L3dlZWtseS54bWw",
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}
},
"forum": {
"id": "forum",
"title": "Forum",
"tagline": "The conversation starts here",
"info": "KQED’s live call-in program discussing local, state, national and international issues, as well as in-depth interviews.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 9am-11am, 10pm-11pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Forum-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Forum with Mina Kim and Alexis Madrigal",
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"meta": {
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"source": "kqed",
"order": 9
},
"link": "/forum",
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"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM5NTU3MzgxNjMz",
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},
"freakonomics-radio": {
"id": "freakonomics-radio",
"title": "Freakonomics Radio",
"info": "Freakonomics Radio is a one-hour award-winning podcast and public-radio project hosted by Stephen Dubner, with co-author Steve Levitt as a regular guest. It is produced in partnership with WNYC.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2018/05/freakonomicsRadio.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "http://freakonomics.com/",
"airtime": "SUN 1am-2am, SAT 3pm-4pm",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "WNYC"
},
"link": "/radio/program/freakonomics-radio",
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"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/WNYC-Podcasts/Freakonomics-Radio-p272293/",
"rss": "https://feeds.feedburner.com/freakonomicsradio"
}
},
"fresh-air": {
"id": "fresh-air",
"title": "Fresh Air",
"info": "Hosted by Terry Gross, \u003cem>Fresh Air from WHYY\u003c/em> is the Peabody Award-winning weekday magazine of contemporary arts and issues. One of public radio's most popular programs, Fresh Air features intimate conversations with today's biggest luminaries.",
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"title": "Here & Now",
"info": "A live production of NPR and WBUR Boston, in collaboration with stations across the country, Here & Now reflects the fluid world of news as it's happening in the middle of the day, with timely, in-depth news, interviews and conversation. Hosted by Robin Young, Jeremy Hobson and Tonya Mosley.",
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},
"hidden-brain": {
"id": "hidden-brain",
"title": "Hidden Brain",
"info": "Shankar Vedantam uses science and storytelling to reveal the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, shape our choices and direct our relationships.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/05/hiddenbrain.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/series/423302056/hidden-brain",
"airtime": "SUN 7pm-8pm",
"meta": {
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"source": "NPR"
},
"link": "/radio/program/hidden-brain",
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"how-i-built-this": {
"id": "how-i-built-this",
"title": "How I Built This with Guy Raz",
"info": "Guy Raz dives into the stories behind some of the world's best known companies. How I Built This weaves a narrative journey about innovators, entrepreneurs and idealists—and the movements they built.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2018/05/howIBuiltThis.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510313/how-i-built-this",
"airtime": "SUN 7:30pm-8pm",
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"link": "/radio/program/how-i-built-this",
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"hyphenacion": {
"id": "hyphenacion",
"title": "Hyphenación",
"tagline": "Where conversation and cultura meet",
"info": "What kind of no sabo word is Hyphenación? For us, it’s about living within a hyphenation. Like being a third-gen Mexican-American from the Texas border now living that Bay Area Chicano life. Like Xorje! Each week we bring together a couple of hyphenated Latinos to talk all about personal life choices: family, careers, relationships, belonging … everything is on the table. ",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Hyphenacion_FinalAssets_PodcastTile.png",
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"order": 15
},
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},
"jerrybrown": {
"id": "jerrybrown",
"title": "The Political Mind of Jerry Brown",
"tagline": "Lessons from a lifetime in politics",
"info": "The Political Mind of Jerry Brown brings listeners the wisdom of the former Governor, Mayor, and presidential candidate. Scott Shafer interviewed Brown for more than 40 hours, covering the former governor's life and half-century in the political game – and Brown has some lessons he'd like to share. ",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-Political-Mind-of-Jerry-Brown-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
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"order": 18
},
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}
},
"latino-usa": {
"id": "latino-usa",
"title": "Latino USA",
"airtime": "MON 1am-2am, SUN 6pm-7pm",
"info": "Latino USA, the radio journal of news and culture, is the only national, English-language radio program produced from a Latino perspective.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/latinoUsa.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "http://latinousa.org/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/latino-usa",
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"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=79681317&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
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"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510016/podcast.xml"
}
},
"marketplace": {
"id": "marketplace",
"title": "Marketplace",
"info": "Our flagship program, helmed by Kai Ryssdal, examines what the day in money delivered, through stories, conversations, newsworthy numbers and more. Updated Monday through Friday at about 3:30 p.m. PT.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 4pm-4:30pm, MON-WED 6:30pm-7pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Marketplace-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.marketplace.org/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "American Public Media"
},
"link": "/radio/program/marketplace",
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"rss": "https://feeds.publicradio.org/public_feeds/marketplace-pm/rss/rss"
}
},
"masters-of-scale": {
"id": "masters-of-scale",
"title": "Masters of Scale",
"info": "Masters of Scale is an original podcast in which LinkedIn co-founder and Greylock Partner Reid Hoffman sets out to describe and prove theories that explain how great entrepreneurs take their companies from zero to a gazillion in ingenious fashion.",
"airtime": "Every other Wednesday June 12 through October 16 at 8pm (repeats Thursdays at 2am)",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Masters-of-Scale-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://mastersofscale.com/",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "WaitWhat"
},
"link": "/radio/program/masters-of-scale",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "http://mastersofscale.app.link/",
"rss": "https://rss.art19.com/masters-of-scale"
}
},
"mindshift": {
"id": "mindshift",
"title": "MindShift",
"tagline": "A podcast about the future of learning and how we raise our kids",
"info": "The MindShift podcast explores the innovations in education that are shaping how kids learn. Hosts Ki Sung and Katrina Schwartz introduce listeners to educators, researchers, parents and students who are developing effective ways to improve how kids learn. We cover topics like how fed-up administrators are developing surprising tactics to deal with classroom disruptions; how listening to podcasts are helping kids develop reading skills; the consequences of overparenting; and why interdisciplinary learning can engage students on all ends of the traditional achievement spectrum. This podcast is part of the MindShift education site, a division of KQED News. KQED is an NPR/PBS member station based in San Francisco. You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Mindshift-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED MindShift: How We Will Learn",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/mindshift/",
"meta": {
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"source": "kqed",
"order": 12
},
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