window.__IS_SSR__=true
window.__INITIAL_STATE__={
"attachmentsReducer": {
"audio_0": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "audio_0",
"imgSizes": {
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/themes/KQED-unified/img/audio_bgs/background0.jpg"
}
}
},
"audio_1": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "audio_1",
"imgSizes": {
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/themes/KQED-unified/img/audio_bgs/background1.jpg"
}
}
},
"audio_2": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "audio_2",
"imgSizes": {
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/themes/KQED-unified/img/audio_bgs/background2.jpg"
}
}
},
"audio_3": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "audio_3",
"imgSizes": {
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/themes/KQED-unified/img/audio_bgs/background3.jpg"
}
}
},
"audio_4": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "audio_4",
"imgSizes": {
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/themes/KQED-unified/img/audio_bgs/background4.jpg"
}
}
},
"placeholder": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "placeholder",
"imgSizes": {
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-160x107.jpg",
"width": 160,
"height": 107,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-800x533.jpg",
"width": 800,
"height": 533,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-768x512.jpg",
"width": 768,
"height": 512,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"large": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-1020x680.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"height": 680,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"1536x1536": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-1536x1024.jpg",
"width": 1536,
"height": 1024,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"fd-lrg": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-1536x1024.jpg",
"width": 1536,
"height": 1024,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-1020x680.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"height": 680,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-800x533.jpg",
"width": 800,
"height": 533,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"height": 372,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"height": 576,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-160x107.jpg",
"width": 160,
"height": 107,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"height": 372,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"small": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"height": 372,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-1020x680.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"height": 680,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"full-width": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1-1920x1280.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"height": 1280,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-1333x1333-1-160x160.jpg",
"width": 32,
"height": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-1333x1333-1-160x160.jpg",
"width": 50,
"height": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-1333x1333-1-160x160.jpg",
"width": 64,
"height": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-1333x1333-1-160x160.jpg",
"width": 96,
"height": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-1333x1333-1-160x160.jpg",
"width": 128,
"height": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-1333x1333-1-160x160.jpg",
"width": 160,
"height": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg"
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/KQED-Default-Image-816638274-2000x1333-1.jpg",
"width": 2000,
"height": 1333
}
}
},
"pop_97272": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_97272",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "97272",
"found": true
},
"parent": 96597,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-520x293.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 293
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-160x90.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 90
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-960x540.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 540
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-375x211.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 211
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"height": 1080
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-1020x574.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 574
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-800x450.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 450
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-lrg": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-1920x1080.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1080
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-1920x1080.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1080
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-768x432.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 432
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080-240x135.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 135
}
},
"publishDate": 1509930297,
"modified": 1509930297,
"caption": null,
"description": null,
"title": "poldark-s3-promo-sfv-icon-3200x1800-1920x1080",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_97109": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_97109",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "97109",
"found": true
},
"parent": 96595,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-520x293.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 293
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-160x90.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 90
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-960x540.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 540
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-375x211.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 211
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark.jpg",
"width": 1280,
"height": 720
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-1020x574.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 574
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-800x450.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 450
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-768x432.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 432
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/morwenna-drake-poldark-240x135.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 135
}
},
"publishDate": 1509317002,
"modified": 1509317047,
"caption": "Photo: Masterpiece",
"description": null,
"title": "morwenna drake poldark",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_96978": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_96978",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96978",
"found": true
},
"parent": 96593,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-520x260.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 260
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-160x80.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 80
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-960x480.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 480
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-375x188.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 188
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3.jpg",
"width": 980,
"height": 490
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-800x400.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 400
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-768x384.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 384
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3-240x120.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 120
}
},
"publishDate": 1508869878,
"modified": 1508869878,
"caption": null,
"description": null,
"title": "landscape-1499438426-13731139-low-res-poldark-s3",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_96837": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_96837",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96837",
"found": true
},
"parent": 96591,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--520x347.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 347
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--160x107.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 107
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--960x640.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 640
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--375x250.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 250
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low-.jpg",
"width": 2000,
"height": 1334
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--1020x680.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 680
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--1180x787.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 787
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--800x534.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 534
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-lrg": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--1920x1281.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1281
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--1180x787.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 787
},
"full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--1920x1281.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1281
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--768x512.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 512
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/13703772-low--240x160.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 160
}
},
"publishDate": 1508101335,
"modified": 1508101413,
"caption": "Photo: Masterpiece.",
"description": null,
"title": "13703772-low-",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_96644": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_96644",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96644",
"found": true
},
"parent": 96590,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-520x292.png",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 292
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-1038x576.png",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-160x90.png",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 90
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-960x540.png",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 540
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-672x372.png",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-375x211.png",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 211
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM.png",
"width": 2130,
"height": 1198
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-1020x574.png",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 574
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-1180x664.png",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 664
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-50x50.png",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-96x96.png",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-800x450.png",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 450
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-64x64.png",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-32x32.png",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 32
},
"fd-lrg": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-1920x1080.png",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 1080
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-1180x664.png",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 664
},
"full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-1920x1080.png",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 1080
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-150x150.png",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-768x432.png",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 432
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-128x128.png",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-08-at-12.32.22-AM-240x135.png",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/png",
"height": 135
}
},
"publishDate": 1507448048,
"modified": 1507491884,
"caption": "Ross being the most obvious British spy of all time. Photo: Masterpiece",
"description": null,
"title": "Screen Shot 2017-10-08 at 12.32.22 AM",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_96507": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_96507",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96507",
"found": true
},
"parent": 96255,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-520x292.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 292
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-160x90.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 90
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-960x540.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 540
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-375x211.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 211
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3.jpg",
"width": 2073,
"height": 1166
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-1020x574.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 574
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-800x450.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 450
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-lrg": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-1920x1080.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1080
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-1920x1080.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1080
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-768x432.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 432
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/poldark-season-3-240x135.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 135
}
},
"publishDate": 1506931038,
"modified": 1506931120,
"caption": "The happy-ish couple. (Photo: Masterpiece)",
"description": null,
"title": "poldark season 3",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_67936": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_67936",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "67936",
"found": true
},
"parent": 56546,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-520x347.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 347
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-160x107.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 107
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-960x640.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 640
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-375x250.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 250
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-e1488826727917.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"height": 1280
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-1020x680.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 680
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-1180x787.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 787
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-800x533.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 533
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-lrg": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-1920x1280.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1280
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-1180x787.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 787
},
"full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-1920x1280.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1280
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-768x512.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 512
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22-240x160.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 160
}
},
"publishDate": 1488697751,
"modified": 1488697821,
"caption": "Photo: ITV",
"description": null,
"title": "VICTORIA_EPISODE8__22",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_65121": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_65121",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "65121",
"found": true
},
"parent": 56544,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-520x292.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 292
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-160x90.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 90
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-960x540.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 540
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-375x211.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 211
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train.jpg",
"width": 1202,
"height": 676
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-1020x574.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 574
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-800x450.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 450
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-768x432.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 432
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/victoria-train-240x135.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 135
}
},
"publishDate": 1487381696,
"modified": 1487381696,
"caption": null,
"description": null,
"title": "victoria-train",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_64133": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_64133",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "64133",
"found": true
},
"parent": 63683,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-520x293.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 293
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-160x90.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 90
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-960x540.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 540
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-375x211.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 211
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic.jpg",
"width": 1500,
"height": 844
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-1020x574.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 574
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-800x450.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 450
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-768x432.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 432
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-240x135.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 135
}
},
"publishDate": 1486950228,
"modified": 1486950245,
"caption": "Photo: ITV / Masterpiece",
"description": null,
"title": "vic",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_62819": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_62819",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "62819",
"found": true
},
"parent": 56540,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-520x346.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 346
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-160x106.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 106
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-960x639.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 639
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-375x250.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 250
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304.jpg",
"width": 3372,
"height": 2244
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-1020x679.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 679
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-1180x785.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 785
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-800x532.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 532
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-lrg": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-1920x1278.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1278
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-1180x785.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 785
},
"full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-1920x1278.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1278
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-768x511.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 511
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/117304-240x160.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 160
}
},
"publishDate": 1486344778,
"modified": 1486344850,
"caption": "Photo",
"description": null,
"title": "117304",
"credit": "Photo: ITV / Masterpiece",
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_61589": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_61589",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "61589",
"found": true
},
"parent": 56538,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-520x293.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 293
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-160x90.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 90
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-960x540.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 540
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-375x211.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 211
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"height": 1080
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-1020x574.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 574
},
"xlarge": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-800x450.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 450
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"fd-lrg": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-1920x1080.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1080
},
"fd-med": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-1180x664.jpg",
"width": 1180,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 664
},
"full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-1920x1080.jpg",
"width": 1920,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 1080
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-768x432.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 432
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080-240x135.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 135
}
},
"publishDate": 1485755191,
"modified": 1485755205,
"caption": "Photo: Masterpiece",
"description": null,
"title": "victoria-s1-e3-poster-albert-1920x1080",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
},
"pop_60231": {
"type": "attachments",
"id": "pop_60231",
"meta": {
"index": "attachments_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "60231",
"found": true
},
"parent": 56536,
"imgSizes": {
"small": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-520x302.jpg",
"width": 520,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 302
},
"twentyfourteen-full-width": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-1038x576.jpg",
"width": 1038,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 576
},
"thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-160x93.jpg",
"width": 160,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 93
},
"fd-sm": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-960x557.jpg",
"width": 960,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 557
},
"post-thumbnail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-672x372.jpg",
"width": 672,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 372
},
"xsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-375x218.jpg",
"width": 375,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 218
},
"kqedFullSize": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies.jpg",
"width": 1089,
"height": 632
},
"large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-1020x592.jpg",
"width": 1020,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 592
},
"guest-author-50": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-50x50.jpg",
"width": 50,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 50
},
"guest-author-96": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-96x96.jpg",
"width": 96,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 96
},
"medium": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-800x464.jpg",
"width": 800,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 464
},
"guest-author-64": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-64x64.jpg",
"width": 64,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 64
},
"guest-author-32": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-32x32.jpg",
"width": 32,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 32
},
"detail": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-150x150.jpg",
"width": 150,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 150
},
"medium_large": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-768x446.jpg",
"width": 768,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 446
},
"guest-author-128": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-128x128.jpg",
"width": 128,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 128
},
"xxsmall": {
"file": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/victoria-beyonce-single-ladies-240x139.jpg",
"width": 240,
"mimeType": "image/jpeg",
"height": 139
}
},
"publishDate": 1485142263,
"modified": 1485142284,
"caption": "Now, put your hands up! Photo: Emmanuel Hapsis",
"description": null,
"title": "victoria-beyonce-single-ladies",
"credit": null,
"status": "inherit",
"isLoading": false,
"fetchFailed": false
}
},
"audioPlayerReducer": {
"postId": "stream_live",
"isPaused": true,
"isPlaying": false,
"pfsActive": false,
"pledgeModalIsOpen": true,
"playerDrawerIsOpen": false,
"liveAudioPlayStartedAt": 0,
"liveAudioPlayContext": ""
},
"authorsReducer": {
"ehapsis": {
"type": "authors",
"id": "27",
"meta": {
"index": "authors_1716337520",
"id": "27",
"found": true
},
"name": "Emmanuel Hapsis",
"firstName": "Emmanuel",
"lastName": "Hapsis",
"slug": "ehapsis",
"email": "ehapsis@kqed.org",
"display_author_email": false,
"staff_mastheads": [],
"title": "KQED Contributor",
"bio": "Emmanuel Hapsis is the creator and editor of KQED Pop and also the host of \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">The Cooler\u003c/a>\u003c/em>. He studied creative writing at University of Maryland and went on to receive his MFA in the field from California College of the Arts. In his free time, he sings his heart out at karaoke.",
"avatar": "https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/6302b6f7ef8b2dcd3acd9e2c6bc570b7?s=600&d=blank&r=g",
"twitter": "xcusemybeauty",
"facebook": null,
"instagram": null,
"linkedin": null,
"sites": [
{
"site": "arts",
"roles": [
"Contributor",
"subscriber"
]
},
{
"site": "pop",
"roles": [
"contributor"
]
}
],
"headData": {
"title": "Emmanuel Hapsis | KQED",
"description": "KQED Contributor",
"ogImgSrc": "https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/6302b6f7ef8b2dcd3acd9e2c6bc570b7?s=600&d=blank&r=g",
"twImgSrc": "https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/6302b6f7ef8b2dcd3acd9e2c6bc570b7?s=600&d=blank&r=g"
},
"isLoading": false,
"link": "/author/ehapsis"
}
},
"pagesReducer": {
"pop_tag_recaps": {
"type": "terms",
"id": "pop_8",
"meta": {
"index": "terms_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "8",
"score": 10.401342
},
"featImg": null,
"name": "recaps",
"description": null,
"taxonomy": "tag",
"headData": {
"twImgId": null,
"twTitle": null,
"ogTitle": null,
"ogImgId": null,
"twDescription": null,
"description": null,
"title": "recaps Archives | KQED Arts",
"ogDescription": null
},
"ttid": 8,
"slug": "recaps",
"isLoading": false,
"title": "recaps",
"pageMeta": {
"site": "pop",
"WpPageTemplate": "page-topic-editorial",
"currentPage": 4
},
"blocks": [
{
"blockName": "kqed/post-list",
"attrs": {
"layout": "cardArticle2",
"query": "posts/pop?tag=recaps",
"seeMore": false,
"paginated": true,
"page": 4
}
},
{
"blockName": "kqed/ad"
}
]
}
},
"pfsSessionReducer": {},
"postsReducer": {
"stream_live": {
"type": "live",
"id": "stream_live",
"audioUrl": "https://streams.kqed.org/kqedradio",
"title": "Live Stream",
"excerpt": "Live Stream information currently unavailable.",
"link": "/radio",
"featImg": "",
"label": {
"name": "KQED Live",
"link": "/"
}
},
"stream_kqedNewscast": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "stream_kqedNewscast",
"audioUrl": "https://www.kqed.org/.stream/anon/radio/RDnews/newscast.mp3?_=1",
"title": "KQED Newscast",
"featImg": "",
"label": {
"name": "88.5 FM",
"link": "/"
}
},
"pop_96597": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_96597",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96597",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1509933041000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1509933041,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Drake's love of unfunny toad pranks almost got him killed, Morwenna was forced into marrying a toe-gobbling goblin, and Doc waged a crusade against macarons and sex with his wife. Will Drake get shot at or imprisoned again, cementing his reputation as the Suge Knight of 18th-century Cornwall? Will Morwenna let her toe nails grow really long as a defense mechanism against her new husband's foot fetish? Will Doc's PTSD stop hogging all the screen-time so we can get a Horace the Pug storyline or two? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We were all expecting a mournful opening scene, in the wake of Morwenna and Gross Goblin's wedding, but instead Ross, Demelza, and all of their friends are twerking and dabbing up a storm to sick fiddle jams around a raging fire. Drake looks around and has a lot of feelings about everyone not giving a single you-know-what about his heartbreak. Here's a sampler platter of what's going on inside his brain right now:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/im-upset-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97225\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/im-upset-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"450\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/really-insensitive-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97223\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/really-insensitive-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/hate-this-place-stewie-family-guy-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97224\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/hate-this-place-stewie-family-guy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"336\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It must be Bring Your Daughter To Work (It At The Village Rave) Day because Bone Maraca Pirate is partying it up with his greasy-haired teen daughter (someone get this girl some dry shampoo!). Little Miss Bone Maraca tries to get Sam to join her in dropping it like it's hot. Sam reacts the only way he knows how:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/rebuke-in-the-name-of-the-lord-god-warrior-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97222\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/rebuke-in-the-name-of-the-lord-god-warrior-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Morwenna is trying to get out of kinky foot stuff by praying for hours with one of her new stepdaughters.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97269\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-1020x1395.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"684\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-1020x1395.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-160x219.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-800x1094.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-768x1051.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-1180x1614.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-960x1313.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-240x328.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-375x513.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-520x711.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif.jpg 1661w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Are you there God? It's me, Morwenna. \u003c/em>\u003cem>Not super happy with you right now, but you can make it up to me by granting me a prosthetic leg to throw at my husband.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/leg-throw-housewives-gif-aviva.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97226\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/leg-throw-housewives-gif-aviva.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"246\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>God responds, \u003cem>New phone, who dis?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/mariah-carey-i-dont-know-her.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/mariah-carey-i-dont-know-her.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"165\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gross Goblin barges in and yells, \u003cem>Yo, wife! Jesus will still be up there after I finish licking between all of your toes. Now take off your socks and let's get to it! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna reluctantly gets up, revealing A BABY BUMP!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/adore-delano-drag-race-shocked-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97229\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/adore-delano-drag-race-shocked-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She miserably gets into bed, dreaming up an assortment of gruesome revenge plots she'll hopefully use on Malfoy and Elizabeth soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In less traumatic news, Agatha is about to turn 100! (To infinity more centuries, you wonderful drunk!) The only problem is all her friends are dead and can't come to her party. Womp!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97227\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"602\" height=\"801\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark.jpg 902w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-160x213.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-800x1064.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-768x1022.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-240x319.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-375x499.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-520x692.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 602px) 100vw, 602px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Depressed Drake has cried so much that the flood of tears have torn his shirt right off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97228 size-large\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-1920x1081.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-960x541.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now he's sad \u003cem>and\u003c/em> cold. Poor guy can't catch a break!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc visits Malfoy Manor to check up on Valentine's rickets.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Should we keep giving him weird powders and loving him less because we don't like deformed babies?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, what? This kid has never seen the sun. Maybe consider not leaving him in the dark crying all day? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Oh, I hadn't thought of that because I'm a monster.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward to Doc and Blondie's \u003cem>we-definitely-aren't-already-married-and-certainly-don't-know-each-other-in-the-biblical-sense-yet\u003c/em> wedding. For some reason, they've invited Malfoy and Elizabeth, who are in a corner plotting on sucking up to some rich dude in order to make Malfoy a member of Parliament. But said rich dude is obsessed with Ross for saving his nephew a.k.a. Doc's Prison Bestie! Another L for Team Malfoy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97232\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-get-nothing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97231\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-lose-willy-wonka-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"263\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97230\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Good-Day-Sir-Willy-Wonka.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"263\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Ross is off chatting about helping the poor (what else would he be chatting about?), Prison Bestie and Demelza have an almost cute exchange.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"You're not dancing, sir, or do you prefer observing?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prison Bestie:\u003c/strong> \"I used to. Since I was in France, my eyesight has declined.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_mlxakp15K61s0pj15o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_mlxakp15K61s0pj15o1_400.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"289\" height=\"308\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But his eyesight does appear to be good enough to stare thirstily at Demelza's hot bod.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bedroom-eyes-little-mermaid-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97233\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bedroom-eyes-little-mermaid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"720\" height=\"404\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Demelza finds Morwenna outside and asks when she's due. Morwenna admits she has no idea how long pregnancies last 'cause her mom never taught her about basic biology, and certainly never mentioned foot fetishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-foot-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97234\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-foot-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, in an effort to get Ross to show that he cares, Demelza mentions how flirty Prison Bestie was with her. Judging by Ross' response (\"Not every man in Cornwall is besotted with you\"), he doesn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/everybody-likes-me-legally-blonde-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97235\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/everybody-likes-me-legally-blonde-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"140\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Gross Goblin rolls off of Morwenna (ewww) and tells her he's sending for her younger sister (the more feet, the merrier). This is a season of \u003cem>Sister Wives\u003c/em> I can do without.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Demelza's place, the topic of Valentine comes up. Ross continues pretending that he didn't have sex with Elizabeth nine exact months before Valentine was born. Demelza turns into a human side-eye emoji.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97239\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-1020x569.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-1920x1072.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-520x290.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the woods, Drake is nesting at the new house Ross gifted him by making a cast of Morwenna's face. Sam sees it and says, \"The blessed virgin and the holy child! It do gladden the heart to see you turn to God again!\" Dude, there are other books in the world! Go read one of them! Try having two interests instead of one!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Toe Jam Headquarters, Morwenna's Jennifer Lawrence-lookalike sister arrives and is immediately like, \u003cem>Woah, your husband is disgusting! What gives? \u003c/em>I like her already.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/jennifer-lawrence-ew-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97240\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/jennifer-lawrence-ew-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"359\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Ross, Demelza, Blondie, and Doc arrive at some banker's mansion for a house party. This scene feels like a public service announcement against anyone ever getting married:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I can think of 100 more useful things I could be doing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"A shame, Ross. You're becoming a misanthrope.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"I sympathize. I'm no lover of company these days... \u003cem>*Blondie glares at him*\u003c/em> ...with the exception of my wife.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Sometimes Ross don't make no exception.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"If I have my way...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"...which you frequently do.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...this will be our last excursion for the foreseeable future.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yeesh! Ross and Demelza are that married couple that resent each other a great deal, but stay together \"for the kids.\" Demelza, there is another way! Leave town with Blondie to film that \u003cem>Thelma and Louise\u003c/em> prequel I've been pitching all season. It is bound to be more fun than hoping your grump of a husband notices you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96631\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1020x740.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"464\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1020x740.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-160x116.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-800x581.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-768x557.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1180x856.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-960x697.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-240x174.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-375x272.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-520x377.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png 1196w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside the party, Prison Bestie greets everyone, and this interesting exchange occurs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Are we never to be rid of you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prison Bestie:\u003c/strong> \"You'll be sorry you ever saved me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, wait a second. Prison Bestie and Demelza are totally going to bump uglies, right?! Surely that's the only thing this kind of heavy-handed foreshadowing could mean. To be honest, I don't hate the idea. Tit for tat, Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/karma-katy-perry-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97241\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/karma-katy-perry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The banker makes a big deal about an \"amusement\" he's arranged for his guests. With much fuss, servants open the doors to reveal...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/phoebe-excited-friends-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97244\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/phoebe-excited-friends-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"351\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">*drumroll*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/phoebe-excited-too-friends-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97243\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/phoebe-excited-too-friends-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">...bowling pins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/thatsit.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97242\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/thatsit.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As everyone pretends to find bowling interesting, Prison Bestie continues to flirt up a storm with Demelza. At first, she's thinking, \u003cem>This is wrong! I'm married! And imagine how hard Sam would throw his Bible at my head!\u003c/em> But then, both of them put on devilish grins, and this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prison Bestie:\u003c/strong> \"Blooms from the Garden of Eden. But where lurks Eve?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"And where the snake?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Lick_your_lips.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97245\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Lick_your_lips.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"187\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, Demelza, there's one in his pants you'll probably meet really soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside of the party, Malfoy is told he can't come in, but that doesn't stop him from eavesdropping and overhearing the banker offer to prop Ross up as a nominee for Parliament. Malfoy does not take this particularly well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/colbert-freak-out-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97247\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/colbert-freak-out-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a corner of the party, Prison Bestie is still using his best pickup lines, but some of them are too fancy for Demelza:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prison Bestie:\u003c/strong> \"I'm no Leonardo, but you are surely Mona Lisa.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"...I do not know these people.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-know-nothing-anna-nicole-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97249\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-know-nothing-anna-nicole-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/about-nothing-anna-nicole-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97248\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/about-nothing-anna-nicole-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On second thought, maybe they won't bone?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Jennifer Lawrence trolls Gross Goblin by taking off her shoe and mentioning how it pinches her toe. Okay, I officially need to be friends with this girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the party, Ross declines the banker's offer because he's too moral or whatever. Lemme guess, this guy will now offer the nomination to Malfoy. Do no other non-evil men live in this area?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, an irate Malfoy arrives home and looks for someone to abuse. Unfortunately, Agatha is sitting right there, so Malfoy grabs the Poldark family Bible (so many Bible-driven storylines this season!) and points out that Agatha is turning 98, not 100.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/so-what-who-cares-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97250\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/so-what-who-cares-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"243\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, Agatha cares because she has a meltdown. Malfoy decides to torture her some more by cancelling her birthday party and refusing to give her supper. Brb, gotta travel back in time and knock all his teeth out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-wanna-kill-him-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97251\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-wanna-kill-him-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"410\" height=\"196\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Agatha doesn't seem to need my help. She fights fire with fire by finally letting him know that Valentine is totally not his kid!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-are-not-the-father-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97252\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-are-not-the-father-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"313\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A shocked Malfoy goes downstairs to murder Elizabeth and Valentine, but is distracted by a visit from the banker, who offers him the Parliament nomination, as expected.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth senses from the maniacal look on Malfoy's face that something is amiss. She goes upstairs and finds Agatha despairing over her party and how her home has been taken over by the antichrist and how maybe she shouldn't have said that thing she said. Elizabeth is like, \u003cem>Um, what thing?! OMG, you didn't! Tell me what thing! \u003c/em>Agatha is over this conversation, so she closes her eyes and... DIES! WHAT THE HELL!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-please-god-no-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97254\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-please-god-no-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/fall-down-sad-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97256\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/fall-down-sad-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"176\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cant-believe-this-is-happening-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97257\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cant-believe-this-is-happening-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-defy-you-stars-leo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97255\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-defy-you-stars-leo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"208\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-sad-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97258\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-sad-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/depressed-ice-cream-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97253\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/depressed-ice-cream-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"424\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Malfoy sends a note to Ross that goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Thought you should know I bullied your aunt to death last night. But the real reason I'm writing is to announce that I've been nominated to Parliament and you haven't! Nanny nanny boo boo! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>P.S. Please don't put a toad in my pants.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza calls Ross out for not taking the nomination when he had the chance and letting yet another important post be controlled by a Voldemort disciple.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Not once have you asked my advice or harkened to my opinion, not once!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"What do you want, Demelza?! A man who will lie down, roll over, sit up, and beg for you? Well, if so, you've married the wrong man.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"It would appear so.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps you should look elsewhere for a pet.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps I should... Perhaps I won't have to look too far.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Garden of Eden snake is on his way!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/snake-disney-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97259\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/snake-disney-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, at the cemetery, Malfoy's Slytherin cronies dump Agatha's coffin in the mud and walk off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43530\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross digs Agatha's grave himself and vows to get revenge.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cant-wait-to-see-how-this-turns-out-rupaul-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97260\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cant-wait-to-see-how-this-turns-out-rupaul-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"319\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>How dare you?!?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Prison Bestie\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Sure, trying to bed your savior's wife isn't exactly cool, but a\u003c/span>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">nyone who understands how Demelza should be treated is okay in my book.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Demelza. \u003c/strong>Anyone who puts up with this much of Ross' BS deserves something shiny.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Jennifer Lawrence. \u003c/strong>The best kind of trouble. Looking forward to whatever mischief she plans to cook up.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Agatha.\u003c/strong> She was too good for this world. Whose playful alcoholism and cute, prolonged farts will keep us entertained now? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/916919639166246912\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "96597 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=96597",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/11/05/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": false,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 2181,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 130
},
"modified": 1509931972,
"excerpt": "Marital bickering! Toe-sucking! Something major I can't say 'cause you'll get mad about spoilers!",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "Marital bickering! Toe-sucking! Something major I can't say 'cause you'll get mad about spoilers!",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: You Give Love A Bad Name",
"datePublished": "2017-11-05T17:50:41-08:00",
"dateModified": "2017-11-05T17:32:52-08:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/96597/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Drake's love of unfunny toad pranks almost got him killed, Morwenna was forced into marrying a toe-gobbling goblin, and Doc waged a crusade against macarons and sex with his wife. Will Drake get shot at or imprisoned again, cementing his reputation as the Suge Knight of 18th-century Cornwall? Will Morwenna let her toe nails grow really long as a defense mechanism against her new husband's foot fetish? Will Doc's PTSD stop hogging all the screen-time so we can get a Horace the Pug storyline or two? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We were all expecting a mournful opening scene, in the wake of Morwenna and Gross Goblin's wedding, but instead Ross, Demelza, and all of their friends are twerking and dabbing up a storm to sick fiddle jams around a raging fire. Drake looks around and has a lot of feelings about everyone not giving a single you-know-what about his heartbreak. Here's a sampler platter of what's going on inside his brain right now:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/im-upset-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97225\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/im-upset-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"450\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/really-insensitive-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97223\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/really-insensitive-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/hate-this-place-stewie-family-guy-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97224\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/hate-this-place-stewie-family-guy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"336\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It must be Bring Your Daughter To Work (It At The Village Rave) Day because Bone Maraca Pirate is partying it up with his greasy-haired teen daughter (someone get this girl some dry shampoo!). Little Miss Bone Maraca tries to get Sam to join her in dropping it like it's hot. Sam reacts the only way he knows how:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/rebuke-in-the-name-of-the-lord-god-warrior-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97222\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/rebuke-in-the-name-of-the-lord-god-warrior-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Morwenna is trying to get out of kinky foot stuff by praying for hours with one of her new stepdaughters.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97269\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-1020x1395.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"684\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-1020x1395.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-160x219.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-800x1094.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-768x1051.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-1180x1614.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-960x1313.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-240x328.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-375x513.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif-520x711.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/are-you-there-god-its-me-margarita-gif.jpg 1661w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Are you there God? It's me, Morwenna. \u003c/em>\u003cem>Not super happy with you right now, but you can make it up to me by granting me a prosthetic leg to throw at my husband.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/leg-throw-housewives-gif-aviva.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97226\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/leg-throw-housewives-gif-aviva.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"246\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>God responds, \u003cem>New phone, who dis?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/mariah-carey-i-dont-know-her.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20648\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/mariah-carey-i-dont-know-her.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"165\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gross Goblin barges in and yells, \u003cem>Yo, wife! Jesus will still be up there after I finish licking between all of your toes. Now take off your socks and let's get to it! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna reluctantly gets up, revealing A BABY BUMP!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/adore-delano-drag-race-shocked-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97229\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/adore-delano-drag-race-shocked-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She miserably gets into bed, dreaming up an assortment of gruesome revenge plots she'll hopefully use on Malfoy and Elizabeth soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In less traumatic news, Agatha is about to turn 100! (To infinity more centuries, you wonderful drunk!) The only problem is all her friends are dead and can't come to her party. Womp!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97227\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"602\" height=\"801\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark.jpg 902w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-160x213.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-800x1064.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-768x1022.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-240x319.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-375x499.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/all-my-friends-are-dead-agatha-poldark-520x692.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 602px) 100vw, 602px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Depressed Drake has cried so much that the flood of tears have torn his shirt right off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97228 size-large\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-1920x1081.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-960x541.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-drake-poldark-e1509926697523-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now he's sad \u003cem>and\u003c/em> cold. Poor guy can't catch a break!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc visits Malfoy Manor to check up on Valentine's rickets.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Should we keep giving him weird powders and loving him less because we don't like deformed babies?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, what? This kid has never seen the sun. Maybe consider not leaving him in the dark crying all day? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Oh, I hadn't thought of that because I'm a monster.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward to Doc and Blondie's \u003cem>we-definitely-aren't-already-married-and-certainly-don't-know-each-other-in-the-biblical-sense-yet\u003c/em> wedding. For some reason, they've invited Malfoy and Elizabeth, who are in a corner plotting on sucking up to some rich dude in order to make Malfoy a member of Parliament. But said rich dude is obsessed with Ross for saving his nephew a.k.a. Doc's Prison Bestie! Another L for Team Malfoy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97232\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-get-nothing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97231\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-lose-willy-wonka-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"263\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97230\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Good-Day-Sir-Willy-Wonka.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"263\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Ross is off chatting about helping the poor (what else would he be chatting about?), Prison Bestie and Demelza have an almost cute exchange.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"You're not dancing, sir, or do you prefer observing?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prison Bestie:\u003c/strong> \"I used to. Since I was in France, my eyesight has declined.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_mlxakp15K61s0pj15o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_mlxakp15K61s0pj15o1_400.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"289\" height=\"308\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But his eyesight does appear to be good enough to stare thirstily at Demelza's hot bod.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bedroom-eyes-little-mermaid-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97233\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/bedroom-eyes-little-mermaid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"720\" height=\"404\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Demelza finds Morwenna outside and asks when she's due. Morwenna admits she has no idea how long pregnancies last 'cause her mom never taught her about basic biology, and certainly never mentioned foot fetishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-foot-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97234\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/sad-foot-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, in an effort to get Ross to show that he cares, Demelza mentions how flirty Prison Bestie was with her. Judging by Ross' response (\"Not every man in Cornwall is besotted with you\"), he doesn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/everybody-likes-me-legally-blonde-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97235\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/everybody-likes-me-legally-blonde-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"140\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Gross Goblin rolls off of Morwenna (ewww) and tells her he's sending for her younger sister (the more feet, the merrier). This is a season of \u003cem>Sister Wives\u003c/em> I can do without.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Demelza's place, the topic of Valentine comes up. Ross continues pretending that he didn't have sex with Elizabeth nine exact months before Valentine was born. Demelza turns into a human side-eye emoji.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97239\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-1020x569.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-1920x1072.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/demelza-sideeye-520x290.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the woods, Drake is nesting at the new house Ross gifted him by making a cast of Morwenna's face. Sam sees it and says, \"The blessed virgin and the holy child! It do gladden the heart to see you turn to God again!\" Dude, there are other books in the world! Go read one of them! Try having two interests instead of one!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Toe Jam Headquarters, Morwenna's Jennifer Lawrence-lookalike sister arrives and is immediately like, \u003cem>Woah, your husband is disgusting! What gives? \u003c/em>I like her already.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/jennifer-lawrence-ew-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97240\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/jennifer-lawrence-ew-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"359\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Ross, Demelza, Blondie, and Doc arrive at some banker's mansion for a house party. This scene feels like a public service announcement against anyone ever getting married:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I can think of 100 more useful things I could be doing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"A shame, Ross. You're becoming a misanthrope.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"I sympathize. I'm no lover of company these days... \u003cem>*Blondie glares at him*\u003c/em> ...with the exception of my wife.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Sometimes Ross don't make no exception.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"If I have my way...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"...which you frequently do.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...this will be our last excursion for the foreseeable future.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yeesh! Ross and Demelza are that married couple that resent each other a great deal, but stay together \"for the kids.\" Demelza, there is another way! Leave town with Blondie to film that \u003cem>Thelma and Louise\u003c/em> prequel I've been pitching all season. It is bound to be more fun than hoping your grump of a husband notices you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96631\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1020x740.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"464\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1020x740.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-160x116.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-800x581.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-768x557.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1180x856.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-960x697.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-240x174.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-375x272.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-520x377.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png 1196w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside the party, Prison Bestie greets everyone, and this interesting exchange occurs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Are we never to be rid of you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prison Bestie:\u003c/strong> \"You'll be sorry you ever saved me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, wait a second. Prison Bestie and Demelza are totally going to bump uglies, right?! Surely that's the only thing this kind of heavy-handed foreshadowing could mean. To be honest, I don't hate the idea. Tit for tat, Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/karma-katy-perry-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97241\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/karma-katy-perry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The banker makes a big deal about an \"amusement\" he's arranged for his guests. With much fuss, servants open the doors to reveal...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/phoebe-excited-friends-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97244\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/phoebe-excited-friends-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"351\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">*drumroll*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/phoebe-excited-too-friends-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97243\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/phoebe-excited-too-friends-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">...bowling pins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/thatsit.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97242\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/thatsit.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As everyone pretends to find bowling interesting, Prison Bestie continues to flirt up a storm with Demelza. At first, she's thinking, \u003cem>This is wrong! I'm married! And imagine how hard Sam would throw his Bible at my head!\u003c/em> But then, both of them put on devilish grins, and this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prison Bestie:\u003c/strong> \"Blooms from the Garden of Eden. But where lurks Eve?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"And where the snake?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Lick_your_lips.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97245\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/Lick_your_lips.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"187\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, Demelza, there's one in his pants you'll probably meet really soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside of the party, Malfoy is told he can't come in, but that doesn't stop him from eavesdropping and overhearing the banker offer to prop Ross up as a nominee for Parliament. Malfoy does not take this particularly well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/colbert-freak-out-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97247\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/colbert-freak-out-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a corner of the party, Prison Bestie is still using his best pickup lines, but some of them are too fancy for Demelza:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prison Bestie:\u003c/strong> \"I'm no Leonardo, but you are surely Mona Lisa.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"...I do not know these people.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-know-nothing-anna-nicole-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97249\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-know-nothing-anna-nicole-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/about-nothing-anna-nicole-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97248\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/about-nothing-anna-nicole-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On second thought, maybe they won't bone?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Jennifer Lawrence trolls Gross Goblin by taking off her shoe and mentioning how it pinches her toe. Okay, I officially need to be friends with this girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the party, Ross declines the banker's offer because he's too moral or whatever. Lemme guess, this guy will now offer the nomination to Malfoy. Do no other non-evil men live in this area?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, an irate Malfoy arrives home and looks for someone to abuse. Unfortunately, Agatha is sitting right there, so Malfoy grabs the Poldark family Bible (so many Bible-driven storylines this season!) and points out that Agatha is turning 98, not 100.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/so-what-who-cares-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97250\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/so-what-who-cares-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"243\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, Agatha cares because she has a meltdown. Malfoy decides to torture her some more by cancelling her birthday party and refusing to give her supper. Brb, gotta travel back in time and knock all his teeth out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-wanna-kill-him-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97251\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-wanna-kill-him-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"410\" height=\"196\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Agatha doesn't seem to need my help. She fights fire with fire by finally letting him know that Valentine is totally not his kid!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-are-not-the-father-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97252\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/you-are-not-the-father-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"313\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A shocked Malfoy goes downstairs to murder Elizabeth and Valentine, but is distracted by a visit from the banker, who offers him the Parliament nomination, as expected.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth senses from the maniacal look on Malfoy's face that something is amiss. She goes upstairs and finds Agatha despairing over her party and how her home has been taken over by the antichrist and how maybe she shouldn't have said that thing she said. Elizabeth is like, \u003cem>Um, what thing?! OMG, you didn't! Tell me what thing! \u003c/em>Agatha is over this conversation, so she closes her eyes and... DIES! WHAT THE HELL!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-please-god-no-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97254\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/no-please-god-no-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/fall-down-sad-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97256\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/fall-down-sad-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"176\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cant-believe-this-is-happening-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97257\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cant-believe-this-is-happening-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-defy-you-stars-leo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97255\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/i-defy-you-stars-leo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"208\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-sad-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97258\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-sad-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/depressed-ice-cream-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97253\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/depressed-ice-cream-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"424\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Malfoy sends a note to Ross that goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Thought you should know I bullied your aunt to death last night. But the real reason I'm writing is to announce that I've been nominated to Parliament and you haven't! Nanny nanny boo boo! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>P.S. Please don't put a toad in my pants.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza calls Ross out for not taking the nomination when he had the chance and letting yet another important post be controlled by a Voldemort disciple.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Not once have you asked my advice or harkened to my opinion, not once!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"What do you want, Demelza?! A man who will lie down, roll over, sit up, and beg for you? Well, if so, you've married the wrong man.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"It would appear so.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps you should look elsewhere for a pet.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps I should... Perhaps I won't have to look too far.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Garden of Eden snake is on his way!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/snake-disney-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97259\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/snake-disney-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, at the cemetery, Malfoy's Slytherin cronies dump Agatha's coffin in the mud and walk off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43530\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross digs Agatha's grave himself and vows to get revenge.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cant-wait-to-see-how-this-turns-out-rupaul-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97260\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/cant-wait-to-see-how-this-turns-out-rupaul-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"319\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>How dare you?!?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Prison Bestie\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Sure, trying to bed your savior's wife isn't exactly cool, but a\u003c/span>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">nyone who understands how Demelza should be treated is okay in my book.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Demelza. \u003c/strong>Anyone who puts up with this much of Ross' BS deserves something shiny.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Jennifer Lawrence. \u003c/strong>The best kind of trouble. Looking forward to whatever mischief she plans to cook up.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Agatha.\u003c/strong> She was too good for this world. Whose playful alcoholism and cute, prolonged farts will keep us entertained now? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "singleTwitterStatus",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"id": "916919639166246912"
},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/96597/poldark-season-3-episode-6-recap-you-give-love-a-bad-name",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_2905",
"pop_8"
],
"featImg": "pop_97272",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_96595": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_96595",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96595",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1509324615000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1509324615,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross rescued Doc from a life of eating French rats and cauterizing festering wounds with a spoon, Drake got broken up with \u003cem>and\u003c/em> shot in the back, and Demelza wondered if she'll ever be able to enjoy a single day without worrying about everyone she loves dropping dead (short answer: nope). Will Doc's PTSD make him distant from Horace the Pug? Will Drake finally release a rap album his 21st-century namesake can be proud of? Will Demelza take some much-needed me-time at a spa and catch up on her stack of \u003cem>US Weekly\u003c/em> magazines? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Still recuperating from a bullet wound / breakup double whammy, Drake informs Ross and Demelza that he plans to move far, far away to a land where no one ever gets dumped or shot. Good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross makes his own proclamation-that'll-never-come-true: he plans to stop doing dangerous things.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/That%E2%80%99s-A-Good-One-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97083\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/That%E2%80%99s-A-Good-One-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yeah-right-get-real-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97082 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yeah-right-get-real-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1200\" height=\"1200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This has nothing to do with the narrative, but am I the only one who has a visceral reaction to Demelza's sad, flat hat?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97085\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-1020x572.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-1020x572.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-800x449.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-768x431.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-1920x1077.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-1180x662.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-960x538.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-240x135.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-520x292.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I mean, just look at it! Did it get run over by a horse and carriage? Are they so poor that she has to wear a place setting on her head? Is anyone else craving a crepe with Nutella right now, after staring at this thing? Just me? Okay, cool. Back to the story!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rides over to chez Malfoy to hang out with Agatha (i.e. get drunk and pull a tarot card or two). He doesn't know it, but, upstairs, Malfoy and Elizabeth are being gross in bed. No, not having sex; they definitely never do that. They're eating strawberries fully clothed and indulging in their two favorite pastimes: complaining about Ross (how dare he free Doc's rich prison bestie from captivity!) and plotting to marry Morwenna to Gross Goblin to advance their never-ending social-climbing ambitions. At this point, even the Devil himself is like, \u003cem>Ew, you two, take it down a few notches.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Broken Record Ross tells Agatha all about a new plan to help poor people (this time, it's turning one of his fields into a public garden!). Like me, Agatha is bored by this. She decides to spice things up by informing Ross that Malfoy and Elizabeth are right above their heads. Ross can't believe Agatha didn't warn him. A pair of Deal-With-It sunglasses fall from the sky onto Agatha's face. Someone has to stir the pot around here.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pot-stirrer.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97086\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pot-stirrer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"206\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Making a hasty exit, Ross spots a crying Valentine and, for .003 seconds, feels bad for abandoning him, but quickly gets over it. Valentine is going to have \u003cem>sooo\u003c/em> much to tell his therapist when he grows up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/deadbeat-judge-judy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97087\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/deadbeat-judge-judy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, a beardless (and -- let's be real -- less hot) Doc is suffering with traumatic flashbacks of his time in prison. Because Oprah won't get around to producing a special on PTSD for a few centuries, Blondie doesn't understand why Doc bristles when she asks whether they should snack on almond biscuits or marzipan for lunch.\u003cem> I'M STILL DIGESTING MY RAT DINNER! DON'T YOU GET IT?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before Doc blows up, Demelza and her Nutella crepe hat walk in. She immediately experiences that feeling you get when you stroll up on two friends who are clearly in a fight, but are now pretending they're not for your sake, and you wish you could just retreat backwards really slowly, but you're stuck forever and might die of awkwardness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97088\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1920x1079.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie mentions that Doc's worst nightmare is cards. Internally, Doc screams, \u003cem>UM! NO! IT'S PROBABLY WHEN THE GUARDS KILLED MY FRIEND FOR HAVING BROWN EYES!!! \u003c/em>Blondie also mentions that silly ol' Doc wants to rejoin the Navy once he's fully recovered, and asks Demelza to scold him. Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97088\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1920x1079.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Malfoy, word has gotten out about Ross regularly visiting Agatha. Elizabeth decides someone should pay. That someone is Morwenna, who will be married off against her will at once! Malfoy yells at Morwenna about how much Gross Goblin is suffering, while awaiting a response to his proposal: \"He is quite distraught and hardly knows what to do with himself!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Gross Goblin knowing exactly what to do with himself, mainly sucking on a prostitute's big toe. That's all I'll say about that because ew. But I finally know why this dude looks so familiar. He's the ancestor of this character from \u003cem>Dune\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/dune-03.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97089\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/dune-03.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"214\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the Malfoy property, there are toads everywhere. Apparently, Drake released a bunch of them to make Morwenna smile. Wow, life was that dull before Netflix that the best entertainment you could hope for was... amphibians? As a famous politician (who also looks a bit like the guy from \u003cem>Dune)\u003c/em> says: Sad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Morwenna and Geoffrey Charles are inexplicably cracking up at the toads, Drake pops out from behind a bush. He has his heart set on one final romantic gesture before he moves away forever. Morwenna and Drake have so much to say to each other, but third-wheel-extraordinaire / decorated cock-block Geoffrey Charles is standing right in the middle of things and not taking the hint.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97090\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-1920x1076.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-520x291.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, someone from the house calls for Geoffrey Charles, leaving the two lovebirds alone. Drake shares a few lines from the rap album he's working on:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"All I could think of is you. Day. Night. Sun. Moon. Sleeping. Waking. Working. Dreaming.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna pretends like she doesn't want to immediately download it on iTunes. They are from different classes! It will never work! Rules > Love! But who is she kidding? That rap song is fire. She smashes her mouth into his and they make out for a long time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/madonna-drake-kiss-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97091\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/madonna-drake-kiss-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, making out is also on the agenda.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"My love, shall we to bed?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/miss-honey-matilda-sexy-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97097\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/miss-honey-matilda-sexy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"327\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Forgive me. I'm so accustomed at being awake at all hours of the night, I barely know how to sleep these days.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/debbie-downer-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/debbie-downer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"354\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"I was not suggesting sleep.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kristen-wiig-weekend-update-snl-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97093\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kristen-wiig-weekend-update-snl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"I think I'll go downstairs and read a while.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/did-my-hair-get-flat-bad-lighting-clueless-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97094\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/did-my-hair-get-flat-bad-lighting-clueless-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Brutal! Our thoughts and prayers go out to Horace the Pug's mom at this difficult time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' place, Demelza asks if Blondie and Doc are ill-suited. Ross's theory is that Blondie loves him, but it doesn't matter; war veterans lose the capacity to receive or give love, and end up resenting their wives for no good reason. Demelza makes the kind of face reserved for the moment your teacher hands back a test and you get a load of all the answers you should have known but got wrong. \"But if a man's wife can't help him, who can?\" she asks. Again, you know this answer, girl. His trifling, jealous ex, duh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of the devil, Elizabeth is startled awake by Malfoy's screaming about the toads again. Their ribbits are messing with his beauty sleep! He has no idea that, in a few centuries, people will pay good money for sleep machines that mimic swamp sounds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy of course thinks Ross is behind the toads. Somewhere, Ross is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-me-mariah-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-me-mariah-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a field, Sam is very upset about Drake's soul, now that he's tongue wrestling again. Demelza thinks Sam should get a hobby that isn't wringing his hands over who is playing tonsil hockey at any given moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sam:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>But sex is evil and sinful and bad!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> If sex is wrong, I don't want to be right!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sam:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Not your soul too! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza: \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/audrey-deal-with-it-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97099\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/audrey-deal-with-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"246\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Blondie's pad, Doc is staring into the fireplace, reminiscing about all his dead friends again. Blondie decides it's a good idea to sneak up behind him and say \"CAUGHT YOU!\" You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that phrase might be a smidge triggering for a prisoner-of-war. Doc understandably freaks out, wishes for opium so he can drug himself into oblivion, and storms out. R.I.P. Honeymoon period. Also R.I.P. Any chance these two will have sex a third time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ever the savior, Ross brings over Doc's prison bestie to help make Doc feel better. It works, which bums Blondie out even more.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Agatha takes a minute out of her busy boozing schedule to bully Malfoy, and I'm 100% here for it. She points out that the reason everyone hated him in childhood wasn't because his grandfather was poor, but because he was ashamed that his grandfather was poor. There's a difference. Also, his face was really annoying and punchable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/hermionepunch.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47439\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/hermionepunch.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"330\" height=\"141\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Morwenna tells Drake that Malfoy has a phobia of toads because Ross used to fill his pants with them at school (I don't condone bullying, but touché, young Ross). She warns him to stop putting them in the pond to make her laugh because a.) he'll get caught and b.) they're not that funny. Drake wants to keep doing it because ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ . \"Did we not agree? Some things are worth the risk,\" he proclaims. Love and destroying classism, sure, but relocating toads?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Geoffrey Charles is running all over Cornwall, trying to warn Drake about a trap Malfoy has set. But it's too late. Drake is already letting more toads loose because HA HA HA LOL HILARIOUS! He soon discovers that there are three armed Slytherin cronies waiting to kill him. Dude, you just got shot last week and you're courting another bullet over toads?! Early aughts rapper Eve was right: \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVk9jvSv27Y\">Love is blind\u003c/a> and it will take over your mind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Luckily for Drake, Demelza receives Geoffrey Charles' warning and rushes to help get her stupid-in-love brother out of another pickle. Demelza throws a rock to distract the guards and runs off into the woods with Drake! A Slytherin crony shoots and misses Drake's skull! Everyone really needs to calm down! They're just toads! Slytherin crony throws a club at Drake's back! Drake falls! Slytherin crony lifts his club to crack Drake's skull! Out of nowhere, Ross knocks Slytherin crony out! Ross, Demelza, and Drake escape!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/stressing-me-out-bad-girls-club-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97100\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/stressing-me-out-bad-girls-club-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Malfoy is livid. He lashes out by announcing Geoffrey Charles will be sent to boarding school to have his pants filled with toads too. The circle of life!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"204\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Geoffrey Charles runs to tell Drake that he's being sent away, gives him a parting gift, and also casually mentions that Morwenna is going to marry Gross Goblin. Okay, so Geoffrey Charles is either really dumb or really sneaky. Either he hasn't once, during all those throuple dates, picked up on the fact that Drake and Morwenna are into each other in a way that Sam would find sinful. Or he \u003cem>has\u003c/em> picked up on that and wants Drake all for himself. I mean, his mother \u003cem>is\u003c/em> Elizabeth. I wouldn't put it past him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time Drake and Morwenna meet, Drake takes off his shirt to show her his new club wound because no one has taken off their shirt in a while and the\u003cem> Poldark\u003c/em> writers know what the audience wants. Drake and Morwenna make out for a while before he is like, \u003cem>Um, you forgot to tell me you're getting married to someone who's not me. What gives?!\u003c/em> She tries to explain: \u003cem>You're poor and I'm not. So sayonara love, hello toe sucking! \u003c/em>Drake tells her he'll try to make some money so she will deign to pick him over Gross Goblin. Morwenna is like, \u003cem>Yes! Stop being poor!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jetsons-money-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97105\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jetsons-money-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"318\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a nearby hill, Slytherin crony spots Drake in all his shirtlessness and club woundedness and runs home to report the hot gossip. Here we go...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Morwenna gets back home, Elizabeth and Malfoy basically call her a whore and tell her she'll be sent back to her mother because they don't want to be associated with such immoral behavior. Um, Elizabeth, did you forget your whole home-wrecking adventure last season? Surely, your new baby, who isn't at all related to your husband, should be enough of a reminder?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hypocrisy-meter-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hypocrisy-meter-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"295\" height=\"289\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna takes the scolding in stride and agrees to go back home. Elizabeth is annoyed that Morwenna didn't sob or anything. How is she supposed to get a high from torturing people, if they don't show signs of suffering? #FirstWorldVillainProblems\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc loudly tells Prison Bestie how he never realized how unimaginative and boring Blondie is. Of course, Blondie is nearby and hears the whole thing. Prison Bestie is like, \u003cem>Way harsh, Tai. Maybe try talking to her?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Elizabeth asks Geoffrey Charles where his fancy Bible went. Cut to Slytherin crony trespassing into Drake's house and finding Geoffrey Charles' unopened gift. Drake is taken into custody for \"stealing.\" Because the Bible is worth more than 40 shillings, the punishment is most likely death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So to review:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The price for letting toads loose: DEATH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The price for accepting an only-sort-of-expensive gift: DEATH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The price for mining without common sense: DEATH (R.I.P. Francis).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The price for having a mom nice enough to nurse a sick Elizabeth and Geoffrey Charles back to life: BABY DEATH (R.I.P. Julia).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In summary, the 1700s were the worst!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza vows to give a statement in front of the magistrate that she saw Geoffrey Charles give Drake the Bible as a present. \u003cem>Easy! Glad that's all sorted!\u003c/em> she thinks, before Ross bursts her bubble by reminding her that Malfoy is the magistrate. Demelza blows up at Ross for being too noble or whatever to accept the position when it was offered to him. Yeah, Ross, WTF!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/im-mad-at-you-family-guy-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/im-mad-at-you-family-guy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"682\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rides over to Malfoy's place. They argue over many points that, as always, boil down to who has the bigger penis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Malfoy makes Morwenna a proposition: He'll let Drake live, if she marries Gross Goblin. You know, this whole mess would come to a nice, swift conclusion if Morwenna just stabbed Malfoy to death. Just saying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Blondie's, Doc opens up about his survivor's guilt and admits that, while high thread counts and macarons and sex all are odious to him at the moment, he hopes to begin enjoying all three again soon -- maybe even at the same time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Ross' farm, Sam consoles Demelza by saying there's nothing they can do about Drake's imminent execution except pray. Actually, there's a lot both of you could do, but whatever. Right then, Drake walks up, a free man! Everyone celebrates! Morwenna will be moving in soon! All's well that ends well! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast. Mid jubilation, a letter comes inviting everyone to church. What they find is the end of Morwenna's wedding ceremony to Gross Goblin. Malfoy walks by a devastated Drake and co. with this smug look on his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97102\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-1920x1076.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-520x291.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Print it out and give it a good punch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Malfoy and Elizabeth (Again! Surprise!). \u003c/strong>Every villain has a good origin story, an early trauma that causes them to unleash terror. This week, we found out that Malfoy's reason was... someone put a toad in his pants one time.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>Grow a thicker skin, dude. Geez. As for Elizabeth, everything she's done on this show has been entirely self-centered and awful. Marrying Ross' first cousin 'cause he took too long surviving the war? Repaying Demelza for nursing her back to life and sacrificing her own baby in the process by boinking her husband? Gleefully marrying off Morwenna in order to be invited to cooler parties? Get these two a one-way ticket to the ninth circle of Hell (that one is for the treacherous; I looked it up).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Nameless Prostitute\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Having her toes gobbled on by Gross Goblin must have been hard.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Blondie. \u003c/strong>It's not her fault she's all \u003cem>Let them eat macarons!\u003c/em> Just one season ago, she thought poor people were gross and should die. She's come a long way. Give her a break, Doc! (Horace the Pug may or may not have slipped me a shilling or two to write this.)\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Ross.\u003c/strong> I vowed to hate him forever last season, but he's Good Samaritan-ed his way back into my heart. Now if he could come over and turn all the water that comes out of my kitchen faucet into wine, all will be officially forgiven.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Drake.\u003c/strong> Shot in the back, clubbed in the back, broken up with every other day, jailed, sentenced to death, and robbed of his one true love. The material for his rap album is just piling up, and it'll all be worth it when he walks home with eight Grammys (which are worth way more than Geoffrey Charles' dumb little Bible). Hang in there, Drake! It gets better (*whispers* actually, it might not).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "96595 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=96595",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/29/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": false,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 3135,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 100
},
"modified": 1509317484,
"excerpt": "A foot fetish, a plague of frogs, a bad case of PTSD: this episode has it all!",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "A foot fetish, a plague of frogs, a bad case of PTSD: this episode has it all!",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away",
"datePublished": "2017-10-29T17:50:15-07:00",
"dateModified": "2017-10-29T15:51:24-07:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/96595/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross rescued Doc from a life of eating French rats and cauterizing festering wounds with a spoon, Drake got broken up with \u003cem>and\u003c/em> shot in the back, and Demelza wondered if she'll ever be able to enjoy a single day without worrying about everyone she loves dropping dead (short answer: nope). Will Doc's PTSD make him distant from Horace the Pug? Will Drake finally release a rap album his 21st-century namesake can be proud of? Will Demelza take some much-needed me-time at a spa and catch up on her stack of \u003cem>US Weekly\u003c/em> magazines? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Still recuperating from a bullet wound / breakup double whammy, Drake informs Ross and Demelza that he plans to move far, far away to a land where no one ever gets dumped or shot. Good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross makes his own proclamation-that'll-never-come-true: he plans to stop doing dangerous things.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/That%E2%80%99s-A-Good-One-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97083\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/That%E2%80%99s-A-Good-One-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yeah-right-get-real-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-97082 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yeah-right-get-real-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1200\" height=\"1200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This has nothing to do with the narrative, but am I the only one who has a visceral reaction to Demelza's sad, flat hat?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97085\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-1020x572.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-1020x572.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-800x449.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-768x431.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-1920x1077.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-1180x662.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-960x538.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-240x135.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-28-at-7.22.35-PM-520x292.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I mean, just look at it! Did it get run over by a horse and carriage? Are they so poor that she has to wear a place setting on her head? Is anyone else craving a crepe with Nutella right now, after staring at this thing? Just me? Okay, cool. Back to the story!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rides over to chez Malfoy to hang out with Agatha (i.e. get drunk and pull a tarot card or two). He doesn't know it, but, upstairs, Malfoy and Elizabeth are being gross in bed. No, not having sex; they definitely never do that. They're eating strawberries fully clothed and indulging in their two favorite pastimes: complaining about Ross (how dare he free Doc's rich prison bestie from captivity!) and plotting to marry Morwenna to Gross Goblin to advance their never-ending social-climbing ambitions. At this point, even the Devil himself is like, \u003cem>Ew, you two, take it down a few notches.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Broken Record Ross tells Agatha all about a new plan to help poor people (this time, it's turning one of his fields into a public garden!). Like me, Agatha is bored by this. She decides to spice things up by informing Ross that Malfoy and Elizabeth are right above their heads. Ross can't believe Agatha didn't warn him. A pair of Deal-With-It sunglasses fall from the sky onto Agatha's face. Someone has to stir the pot around here.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pot-stirrer.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97086\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pot-stirrer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"206\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Making a hasty exit, Ross spots a crying Valentine and, for .003 seconds, feels bad for abandoning him, but quickly gets over it. Valentine is going to have \u003cem>sooo\u003c/em> much to tell his therapist when he grows up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/deadbeat-judge-judy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97087\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/deadbeat-judge-judy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, a beardless (and -- let's be real -- less hot) Doc is suffering with traumatic flashbacks of his time in prison. Because Oprah won't get around to producing a special on PTSD for a few centuries, Blondie doesn't understand why Doc bristles when she asks whether they should snack on almond biscuits or marzipan for lunch.\u003cem> I'M STILL DIGESTING MY RAT DINNER! DON'T YOU GET IT?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before Doc blows up, Demelza and her Nutella crepe hat walk in. She immediately experiences that feeling you get when you stroll up on two friends who are clearly in a fight, but are now pretending they're not for your sake, and you wish you could just retreat backwards really slowly, but you're stuck forever and might die of awkwardness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97088\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1920x1079.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie mentions that Doc's worst nightmare is cards. Internally, Doc screams, \u003cem>UM! NO! IT'S PROBABLY WHEN THE GUARDS KILLED MY FRIEND FOR HAVING BROWN EYES!!! \u003c/em>Blondie also mentions that silly ol' Doc wants to rejoin the Navy once he's fully recovered, and asks Demelza to scold him. Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97088\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1920x1079.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/demelza-get-me-outta-here-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Malfoy, word has gotten out about Ross regularly visiting Agatha. Elizabeth decides someone should pay. That someone is Morwenna, who will be married off against her will at once! Malfoy yells at Morwenna about how much Gross Goblin is suffering, while awaiting a response to his proposal: \"He is quite distraught and hardly knows what to do with himself!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Gross Goblin knowing exactly what to do with himself, mainly sucking on a prostitute's big toe. That's all I'll say about that because ew. But I finally know why this dude looks so familiar. He's the ancestor of this character from \u003cem>Dune\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/dune-03.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97089\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/dune-03.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"214\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the Malfoy property, there are toads everywhere. Apparently, Drake released a bunch of them to make Morwenna smile. Wow, life was that dull before Netflix that the best entertainment you could hope for was... amphibians? As a famous politician (who also looks a bit like the guy from \u003cem>Dune)\u003c/em> says: Sad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Morwenna and Geoffrey Charles are inexplicably cracking up at the toads, Drake pops out from behind a bush. He has his heart set on one final romantic gesture before he moves away forever. Morwenna and Drake have so much to say to each other, but third-wheel-extraordinaire / decorated cock-block Geoffrey Charles is standing right in the middle of things and not taking the hint.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97090\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-1920x1076.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/omg-scram-poldark-morwenna-drake-520x291.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, someone from the house calls for Geoffrey Charles, leaving the two lovebirds alone. Drake shares a few lines from the rap album he's working on:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"All I could think of is you. Day. Night. Sun. Moon. Sleeping. Waking. Working. Dreaming.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna pretends like she doesn't want to immediately download it on iTunes. They are from different classes! It will never work! Rules > Love! But who is she kidding? That rap song is fire. She smashes her mouth into his and they make out for a long time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/madonna-drake-kiss-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97091\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/madonna-drake-kiss-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, making out is also on the agenda.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"My love, shall we to bed?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/miss-honey-matilda-sexy-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97097\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/miss-honey-matilda-sexy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"327\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"Forgive me. I'm so accustomed at being awake at all hours of the night, I barely know how to sleep these days.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/debbie-downer-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/debbie-downer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"354\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Blondie:\u003c/strong> \"I was not suggesting sleep.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kristen-wiig-weekend-update-snl-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97093\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kristen-wiig-weekend-update-snl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong> \"I think I'll go downstairs and read a while.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/did-my-hair-get-flat-bad-lighting-clueless-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97094\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/did-my-hair-get-flat-bad-lighting-clueless-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Brutal! Our thoughts and prayers go out to Horace the Pug's mom at this difficult time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' place, Demelza asks if Blondie and Doc are ill-suited. Ross's theory is that Blondie loves him, but it doesn't matter; war veterans lose the capacity to receive or give love, and end up resenting their wives for no good reason. Demelza makes the kind of face reserved for the moment your teacher hands back a test and you get a load of all the answers you should have known but got wrong. \"But if a man's wife can't help him, who can?\" she asks. Again, you know this answer, girl. His trifling, jealous ex, duh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of the devil, Elizabeth is startled awake by Malfoy's screaming about the toads again. Their ribbits are messing with his beauty sleep! He has no idea that, in a few centuries, people will pay good money for sleep machines that mimic swamp sounds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy of course thinks Ross is behind the toads. Somewhere, Ross is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-me-mariah-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-me-mariah-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a field, Sam is very upset about Drake's soul, now that he's tongue wrestling again. Demelza thinks Sam should get a hobby that isn't wringing his hands over who is playing tonsil hockey at any given moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sam:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>But sex is evil and sinful and bad!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> If sex is wrong, I don't want to be right!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sam:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Not your soul too! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza: \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/audrey-deal-with-it-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97099\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/audrey-deal-with-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"246\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Blondie's pad, Doc is staring into the fireplace, reminiscing about all his dead friends again. Blondie decides it's a good idea to sneak up behind him and say \"CAUGHT YOU!\" You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that phrase might be a smidge triggering for a prisoner-of-war. Doc understandably freaks out, wishes for opium so he can drug himself into oblivion, and storms out. R.I.P. Honeymoon period. Also R.I.P. Any chance these two will have sex a third time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ever the savior, Ross brings over Doc's prison bestie to help make Doc feel better. It works, which bums Blondie out even more.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Agatha takes a minute out of her busy boozing schedule to bully Malfoy, and I'm 100% here for it. She points out that the reason everyone hated him in childhood wasn't because his grandfather was poor, but because he was ashamed that his grandfather was poor. There's a difference. Also, his face was really annoying and punchable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/hermionepunch.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47439\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/hermionepunch.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"330\" height=\"141\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Morwenna tells Drake that Malfoy has a phobia of toads because Ross used to fill his pants with them at school (I don't condone bullying, but touché, young Ross). She warns him to stop putting them in the pond to make her laugh because a.) he'll get caught and b.) they're not that funny. Drake wants to keep doing it because ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ . \"Did we not agree? Some things are worth the risk,\" he proclaims. Love and destroying classism, sure, but relocating toads?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Geoffrey Charles is running all over Cornwall, trying to warn Drake about a trap Malfoy has set. But it's too late. Drake is already letting more toads loose because HA HA HA LOL HILARIOUS! He soon discovers that there are three armed Slytherin cronies waiting to kill him. Dude, you just got shot last week and you're courting another bullet over toads?! Early aughts rapper Eve was right: \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVk9jvSv27Y\">Love is blind\u003c/a> and it will take over your mind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Luckily for Drake, Demelza receives Geoffrey Charles' warning and rushes to help get her stupid-in-love brother out of another pickle. Demelza throws a rock to distract the guards and runs off into the woods with Drake! A Slytherin crony shoots and misses Drake's skull! Everyone really needs to calm down! They're just toads! Slytherin crony throws a club at Drake's back! Drake falls! Slytherin crony lifts his club to crack Drake's skull! Out of nowhere, Ross knocks Slytherin crony out! Ross, Demelza, and Drake escape!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/stressing-me-out-bad-girls-club-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97100\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/stressing-me-out-bad-girls-club-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Malfoy is livid. He lashes out by announcing Geoffrey Charles will be sent to boarding school to have his pants filled with toads too. The circle of life!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/throw-simba-lion-king-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"204\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Geoffrey Charles runs to tell Drake that he's being sent away, gives him a parting gift, and also casually mentions that Morwenna is going to marry Gross Goblin. Okay, so Geoffrey Charles is either really dumb or really sneaky. Either he hasn't once, during all those throuple dates, picked up on the fact that Drake and Morwenna are into each other in a way that Sam would find sinful. Or he \u003cem>has\u003c/em> picked up on that and wants Drake all for himself. I mean, his mother \u003cem>is\u003c/em> Elizabeth. I wouldn't put it past him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time Drake and Morwenna meet, Drake takes off his shirt to show her his new club wound because no one has taken off their shirt in a while and the\u003cem> Poldark\u003c/em> writers know what the audience wants. Drake and Morwenna make out for a while before he is like, \u003cem>Um, you forgot to tell me you're getting married to someone who's not me. What gives?!\u003c/em> She tries to explain: \u003cem>You're poor and I'm not. So sayonara love, hello toe sucking! \u003c/em>Drake tells her he'll try to make some money so she will deign to pick him over Gross Goblin. Morwenna is like, \u003cem>Yes! Stop being poor!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jetsons-money-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97105\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jetsons-money-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"318\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a nearby hill, Slytherin crony spots Drake in all his shirtlessness and club woundedness and runs home to report the hot gossip. Here we go...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Morwenna gets back home, Elizabeth and Malfoy basically call her a whore and tell her she'll be sent back to her mother because they don't want to be associated with such immoral behavior. Um, Elizabeth, did you forget your whole home-wrecking adventure last season? Surely, your new baby, who isn't at all related to your husband, should be enough of a reminder?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hypocrisy-meter-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hypocrisy-meter-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"295\" height=\"289\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna takes the scolding in stride and agrees to go back home. Elizabeth is annoyed that Morwenna didn't sob or anything. How is she supposed to get a high from torturing people, if they don't show signs of suffering? #FirstWorldVillainProblems\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc loudly tells Prison Bestie how he never realized how unimaginative and boring Blondie is. Of course, Blondie is nearby and hears the whole thing. Prison Bestie is like, \u003cem>Way harsh, Tai. Maybe try talking to her?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Elizabeth asks Geoffrey Charles where his fancy Bible went. Cut to Slytherin crony trespassing into Drake's house and finding Geoffrey Charles' unopened gift. Drake is taken into custody for \"stealing.\" Because the Bible is worth more than 40 shillings, the punishment is most likely death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So to review:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The price for letting toads loose: DEATH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The price for accepting an only-sort-of-expensive gift: DEATH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The price for mining without common sense: DEATH (R.I.P. Francis).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The price for having a mom nice enough to nurse a sick Elizabeth and Geoffrey Charles back to life: BABY DEATH (R.I.P. Julia).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In summary, the 1700s were the worst!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza vows to give a statement in front of the magistrate that she saw Geoffrey Charles give Drake the Bible as a present. \u003cem>Easy! Glad that's all sorted!\u003c/em> she thinks, before Ross bursts her bubble by reminding her that Malfoy is the magistrate. Demelza blows up at Ross for being too noble or whatever to accept the position when it was offered to him. Yeah, Ross, WTF!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/im-mad-at-you-family-guy-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/im-mad-at-you-family-guy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"682\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rides over to Malfoy's place. They argue over many points that, as always, boil down to who has the bigger penis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Malfoy makes Morwenna a proposition: He'll let Drake live, if she marries Gross Goblin. You know, this whole mess would come to a nice, swift conclusion if Morwenna just stabbed Malfoy to death. Just saying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Blondie's, Doc opens up about his survivor's guilt and admits that, while high thread counts and macarons and sex all are odious to him at the moment, he hopes to begin enjoying all three again soon -- maybe even at the same time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Ross' farm, Sam consoles Demelza by saying there's nothing they can do about Drake's imminent execution except pray. Actually, there's a lot both of you could do, but whatever. Right then, Drake walks up, a free man! Everyone celebrates! Morwenna will be moving in soon! All's well that ends well! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast. Mid jubilation, a letter comes inviting everyone to church. What they find is the end of Morwenna's wedding ceremony to Gross Goblin. Malfoy walks by a devastated Drake and co. with this smug look on his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-97102\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-1020x572.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-1920x1076.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/malfoy-fist-poldark-520x291.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Print it out and give it a good punch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Malfoy and Elizabeth (Again! Surprise!). \u003c/strong>Every villain has a good origin story, an early trauma that causes them to unleash terror. This week, we found out that Malfoy's reason was... someone put a toad in his pants one time.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>Grow a thicker skin, dude. Geez. As for Elizabeth, everything she's done on this show has been entirely self-centered and awful. Marrying Ross' first cousin 'cause he took too long surviving the war? Repaying Demelza for nursing her back to life and sacrificing her own baby in the process by boinking her husband? Gleefully marrying off Morwenna in order to be invited to cooler parties? Get these two a one-way ticket to the ninth circle of Hell (that one is for the treacherous; I looked it up).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Nameless Prostitute\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Having her toes gobbled on by Gross Goblin must have been hard.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Blondie. \u003c/strong>It's not her fault she's all \u003cem>Let them eat macarons!\u003c/em> Just one season ago, she thought poor people were gross and should die. She's come a long way. Give her a break, Doc! (Horace the Pug may or may not have slipped me a shilling or two to write this.)\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Ross.\u003c/strong> I vowed to hate him forever last season, but he's Good Samaritan-ed his way back into my heart. Now if he could come over and turn all the water that comes out of my kitchen faucet into wine, all will be officially forgiven.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Drake.\u003c/strong> Shot in the back, clubbed in the back, broken up with every other day, jailed, sentenced to death, and robbed of his one true love. The material for his rap album is just piling up, and it'll all be worth it when he walks home with eight Grammys (which are worth way more than Geoffrey Charles' dumb little Bible). Hang in there, Drake! It gets better (*whispers* actually, it might not).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/96595/poldark-season-3-episode-5-recap-the-one-that-got-away",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_2905",
"pop_8"
],
"featImg": "pop_97109",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_96593": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_96593",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96593",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1508869966000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1508869966,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza casually delivered her own baby, Morwenna and Drake finally made out, and Doc had to eat a rat on Christmas day. Will Demelza put her newfound birthing talent to use and become an OB-GYN? Will Morwenna and Drake come down with mono? Will the next rat Doc comes across teach him how to cook up a mean \u003ca href=\"https://projectedrealities.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/ratatouillec.jpg\">ratatouille\u003c/a>? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not a whole lot has changed since last week. Doc is still hanging out with corpses, soon-to-be corpses, and \u003ca href=\"http://anamericantail.wikia.com/wiki/Fievel_Mousekewitz\">Fievel Mousekewitz\u003c/a>’s relatives. Blondie is still in denial about all of that. Ross is still plotting to do something that has a 98.2% chance of getting him killed (mainly going back to France to reprise his role as the world's worst spy). And Demelza is still so tired of everyone's BS. Same, Demelza. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Valentine is diagnosed with rickets because\u003ca href=\"https://spoonuniversity.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/236/2016/08/Screen-Shot-2016-08-09-at-4.06.25-PM.png\"> those delicious Flintstone vitamins\u003c/a> haven't been invented yet. Malfoy is beside himself, not out of concern for his (*cough* Ross') baby, but because he doesn't want to be associated with a \"deformed\" child. Stay classy, spawn of Satan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, the guards have taken to rolling dice to determine whether a prisoner with blue eyes or brown eyes dies next.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear green-eyed prisoners:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/shantay-you-stay-rupaul-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/shantay-you-stay-rupaul-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Cornwall, Morwenna slides into second base with Drake a few more times. But Agatha's tarot cards dampen the mood by pointing out that, once Malfoy finds out, he will surely find a way to destroy Drake's life. Because breaking up with a It's-not-you-it's-me text isn't a thing yet, Morwenna has to crush Drake's heart in person. Drake immediately walks to the nearest cliff to jump to his death, but stops short when he receives the advice I telepathically send him from the future: \u003cem>Become an unlikely rapper who only writes about being sad over girls, à la your 21st-century namesake!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saddest-boy-canada-drake-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96930\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saddest-boy-canada-drake-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know what has the power to cheer Drake up (and probably could cure Valentine's rickets too)? A Horace the Pug sighting!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96935\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-1020x571.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-1020x571.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-1920x1075.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-520x291.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I sure feel better. Don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of following my advice and writing a \"Hotline Bling\"-esque breakup jam, Drake decides to secretly join the cast of \u003cem>Saving Private Doc\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96977\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-1020x1257.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"789\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-1020x1257.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-160x197.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-800x985.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-768x946.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-1180x1454.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-960x1183.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-240x296.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-375x462.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-520x641.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2.jpg 1186w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dying nobly abroad is one way to get an ex's attention, but I still prefer the maudlin rapping.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite there being a full-blown war going on, Ross and co. waltz right into France without any problems. After going over the prison break plan, Ross and his buddies quickly realize how ill-conceived and stupid the whole idea is. But they decide to just do it anyway because \u003ca href=\"https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=YOLO\">YOLO\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yolo-drake-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96937\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yolo-drake-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"174\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They head-butt and punch their way into the POW camp and find Doc pretty easily. But Doc wants to stay and cauterize more festering wounds with a spoon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oh-come-on-tim-gunn-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oh-come-on-tim-gunn-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Ross tries to convince Doc to give Mother Teresa-ing a rest and get the hell up, some little pipsqueak alerts the entire camp about the escape attempt. Ross and Drake drop-kick a few guards! One of Ross' friends uses a bomb to blow open a gate while laughing! Everyone takes turns casually murdering guards!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Malfoy and Elizabeth run around a fancy party bad-mouthing Ross and his attempt to free Doc to anyone who will listen. Trouble is there's no one who will. Everyone loves Ross and hopes \u003cem>Saving Private Doc \u003c/em>wins Best Picture. IN YOUR FACE, JERKS!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/in-your-face-water-balloon-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96943\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/in-your-face-water-balloon-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In France, things have taken a turn. One of Ross' friends gets shot. I don't know his name, so only low-to-medium care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oh-no-phoebe-friends-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96945\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oh-no-phoebe-friends-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake tries to drag Captain No Name to safety, and also gets shot. I very much care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/noooo-phoebe-friends-gif-reaction.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96944\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/noooo-phoebe-friends-gif-reaction.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and friends make it to a hiding place, but it's too late for Captain. He died doing what he loved: mainly blowing sh-t up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Super_Mario_Bros_2_NES_30.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96974\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Super_Mario_Bros_2_NES_30.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"256\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The not-so-merry band of misfits manage to make it to their getaway rowboat, but Drake isn't doing well. Ross has a waking nightmare of how pissed Demelza will be, if he lets her brother die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/grind-teeth-marge-mad-pissed-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96961\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/grind-teeth-marge-mad-pissed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As we saw last week, Demelza can very casually bring life into this world; she can casually snuff life out of it too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/dont-mess-with-me-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96962\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/dont-mess-with-me-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"324\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully for Ross, Demelza won't have to kill anyone today. Drake pulls through and everyone makes it back home. Sam, who stayed home worrying about how sinful kissing is, immediately takes the credit: \"See, brother, my prayers did work!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/no-britney-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96963\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/no-britney-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy receives word that Ross succeeded in freeing Doc, and helped 20 others escape, including Doc's prison bestie, who happens to be the nephew of some rich person Malfoy desperately wants to impress. IN YOUR FACE AGAIN!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/in-your-face-water-balloon-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96943\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/in-your-face-water-balloon-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, everyone gathers to hear Demelza's rendition of Mariah Carey's \"One Sweet Day,\" in honor of Captain's memory. It goes to #1 and stays there for 16 weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96973\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-1020x913.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"573\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-1020x913.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-160x143.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-800x716.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-768x687.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-960x859.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-240x215.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-375x336.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-520x465.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey.jpg 1144w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXxRyNvTPr8\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Malfoy and Elizabeth. \u003c/strong>I hope the random puddle that murdered Francis takes care of these two sometime soon. Maybe I'll get Sam to pray on it.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Horace the Pug\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Sure, he didn't do much this episode, but I just like rewarding him, okay?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Drake. \u003c/strong>He survived heartbreak \u003cem>and\u003c/em> being shot in the back. So much material for his debut album!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Ross. \u003c/strong>His directorial debut, \u003cem>Saving Private Doc\u003c/em>, had everything a Best Picture winner needs: adventure, emotion, drop-kicking. Brava! Two thumbs up!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Captain.\u003c/strong> Sorry he had to die. Also sorry I was always too distracted by Agatha's drunken antics, Horace's cuteness, and shirtless river bathing to ever learn his name. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "96593 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=96593",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/24/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": true,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 1228,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 54
},
"modified": 1509147789,
"excerpt": "If you mixed 'Saving Private Ryan' with a Drake breakup song, you'd get this episode.",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "If you mixed 'Saving Private Ryan' with a Drake breakup song, you'd get this episode.",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free",
"datePublished": "2017-10-24T11:32:46-07:00",
"dateModified": "2017-10-27T16:43:09-07:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/96593/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\"> the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza casually delivered her own baby, Morwenna and Drake finally made out, and Doc had to eat a rat on Christmas day. Will Demelza put her newfound birthing talent to use and become an OB-GYN? Will Morwenna and Drake come down with mono? Will the next rat Doc comes across teach him how to cook up a mean \u003ca href=\"https://projectedrealities.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/ratatouillec.jpg\">ratatouille\u003c/a>? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not a whole lot has changed since last week. Doc is still hanging out with corpses, soon-to-be corpses, and \u003ca href=\"http://anamericantail.wikia.com/wiki/Fievel_Mousekewitz\">Fievel Mousekewitz\u003c/a>’s relatives. Blondie is still in denial about all of that. Ross is still plotting to do something that has a 98.2% chance of getting him killed (mainly going back to France to reprise his role as the world's worst spy). And Demelza is still so tired of everyone's BS. Same, Demelza. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Valentine is diagnosed with rickets because\u003ca href=\"https://spoonuniversity.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/236/2016/08/Screen-Shot-2016-08-09-at-4.06.25-PM.png\"> those delicious Flintstone vitamins\u003c/a> haven't been invented yet. Malfoy is beside himself, not out of concern for his (*cough* Ross') baby, but because he doesn't want to be associated with a \"deformed\" child. Stay classy, spawn of Satan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, the guards have taken to rolling dice to determine whether a prisoner with blue eyes or brown eyes dies next.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear green-eyed prisoners:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/shantay-you-stay-rupaul-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/shantay-you-stay-rupaul-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Cornwall, Morwenna slides into second base with Drake a few more times. But Agatha's tarot cards dampen the mood by pointing out that, once Malfoy finds out, he will surely find a way to destroy Drake's life. Because breaking up with a It's-not-you-it's-me text isn't a thing yet, Morwenna has to crush Drake's heart in person. Drake immediately walks to the nearest cliff to jump to his death, but stops short when he receives the advice I telepathically send him from the future: \u003cem>Become an unlikely rapper who only writes about being sad over girls, à la your 21st-century namesake!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saddest-boy-canada-drake-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96930\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saddest-boy-canada-drake-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know what has the power to cheer Drake up (and probably could cure Valentine's rickets too)? A Horace the Pug sighting!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96935\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-1020x571.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-1020x571.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-1920x1075.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-the-pug-520x291.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I sure feel better. Don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of following my advice and writing a \"Hotline Bling\"-esque breakup jam, Drake decides to secretly join the cast of \u003cem>Saving Private Doc\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96977\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-1020x1257.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"789\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-1020x1257.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-160x197.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-800x985.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-768x946.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-1180x1454.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-960x1183.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-240x296.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-375x462.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2-520x641.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/saving-private-doc-poldark-2.jpg 1186w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dying nobly abroad is one way to get an ex's attention, but I still prefer the maudlin rapping.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite there being a full-blown war going on, Ross and co. waltz right into France without any problems. After going over the prison break plan, Ross and his buddies quickly realize how ill-conceived and stupid the whole idea is. But they decide to just do it anyway because \u003ca href=\"https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=YOLO\">YOLO\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yolo-drake-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96937\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yolo-drake-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"174\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They head-butt and punch their way into the POW camp and find Doc pretty easily. But Doc wants to stay and cauterize more festering wounds with a spoon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oh-come-on-tim-gunn-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oh-come-on-tim-gunn-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Ross tries to convince Doc to give Mother Teresa-ing a rest and get the hell up, some little pipsqueak alerts the entire camp about the escape attempt. Ross and Drake drop-kick a few guards! One of Ross' friends uses a bomb to blow open a gate while laughing! Everyone takes turns casually murdering guards!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Malfoy and Elizabeth run around a fancy party bad-mouthing Ross and his attempt to free Doc to anyone who will listen. Trouble is there's no one who will. Everyone loves Ross and hopes \u003cem>Saving Private Doc \u003c/em>wins Best Picture. IN YOUR FACE, JERKS!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/in-your-face-water-balloon-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96943\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/in-your-face-water-balloon-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In France, things have taken a turn. One of Ross' friends gets shot. I don't know his name, so only low-to-medium care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oh-no-phoebe-friends-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96945\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oh-no-phoebe-friends-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake tries to drag Captain No Name to safety, and also gets shot. I very much care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/noooo-phoebe-friends-gif-reaction.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96944\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/noooo-phoebe-friends-gif-reaction.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and friends make it to a hiding place, but it's too late for Captain. He died doing what he loved: mainly blowing sh-t up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Super_Mario_Bros_2_NES_30.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96974\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Super_Mario_Bros_2_NES_30.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"256\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The not-so-merry band of misfits manage to make it to their getaway rowboat, but Drake isn't doing well. Ross has a waking nightmare of how pissed Demelza will be, if he lets her brother die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/grind-teeth-marge-mad-pissed-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96961\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/grind-teeth-marge-mad-pissed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As we saw last week, Demelza can very casually bring life into this world; she can casually snuff life out of it too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/dont-mess-with-me-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96962\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/dont-mess-with-me-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"324\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully for Ross, Demelza won't have to kill anyone today. Drake pulls through and everyone makes it back home. Sam, who stayed home worrying about how sinful kissing is, immediately takes the credit: \"See, brother, my prayers did work!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/no-britney-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96963\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/no-britney-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy receives word that Ross succeeded in freeing Doc, and helped 20 others escape, including Doc's prison bestie, who happens to be the nephew of some rich person Malfoy desperately wants to impress. IN YOUR FACE AGAIN!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/in-your-face-water-balloon-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96943\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/in-your-face-water-balloon-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, everyone gathers to hear Demelza's rendition of Mariah Carey's \"One Sweet Day,\" in honor of Captain's memory. It goes to #1 and stays there for 16 weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96973\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-1020x913.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"573\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-1020x913.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-160x143.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-800x716.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-768x687.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-960x859.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-240x215.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-375x336.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey-520x465.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/one-sweet-day-demelza-carey.jpg 1144w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/UXxRyNvTPr8'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/UXxRyNvTPr8'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Malfoy and Elizabeth. \u003c/strong>I hope the random puddle that murdered Francis takes care of these two sometime soon. Maybe I'll get Sam to pray on it.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Horace the Pug\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Sure, he didn't do much this episode, but I just like rewarding him, okay?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Drake. \u003c/strong>He survived heartbreak \u003cem>and\u003c/em> being shot in the back. So much material for his debut album!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Ross. \u003c/strong>His directorial debut, \u003cem>Saving Private Doc\u003c/em>, had everything a Best Picture winner needs: adventure, emotion, drop-kicking. Brava! Two thumbs up!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Captain.\u003c/strong> Sorry he had to die. Also sorry I was always too distracted by Agatha's drunken antics, Horace's cuteness, and shirtless river bathing to ever learn his name. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/96593/poldark-season-3-episode-4-recap-break-free",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_2905",
"pop_8"
],
"featImg": "pop_96978",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_96591": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_96591",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96591",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1508101800000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1508101800,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross was really terrible at spying in France and almost got guillotined. Will he risk his neck one more time to save Doc and his new beard? Will Drake and Morwenna finally make out (with Geoffrey Charles awkwardly watching, of course)? Will \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png\">Demelza and Blondie star in \u003cem>Thelma and Louise: The Prequel\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, even though their husbands aren't dead? Will Agatha let out another \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/916919639166246912?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fww2.kqed.org%2Fpop%2F2017%2F10%2F08%2Fpoldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi%2F\">cute, prolonged fart\u003c/a>? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How many minutes into this week's episode before something terrible happens to poor people? Answer: Not even one! Cold and starving, a few villagers snag some grain from one of Malfoy's boats so they don't have to die. They die anyway because soldiers shoot them in the street. The ones that survive are sentenced to fifteen years by Malfoy. Someone hold me back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/scrappy-doo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/scrappy-doo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza is doing manual labor while \u003cem>being in \u003c/em>labor. Now that Doc is a French captive and the only other doctor in town always manages to kill people by accident, Demelza has decided to secretly do it herself. I am still very emotional over the last time a Masterpiece show killed off a birthing mother (rest in power forever and always, Sybil from \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>; I hope you're \u003ca href=\"http://recollections.biz/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/lady-sybil-blue-harem-pants-dowton.jpg\">wearing cool harem pants\u003c/a> in heaven), so here's hoping the writers leave Demelza -- and Valentine's new half-sibling -- alone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a cliffside, Ross tsk-tsks as sick workers from the mine he sold to Malfoy cart off a dead colleague. Not one to miss an opportunity to gloat over the corpse of a poor person, Malfoy materializes and picks a fight by calling Ross a copper mine, \"full of noise but ultimately lacking in substance.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/tinf.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/tinf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When that barb falls flat, he tries poking at an old, very tired wound:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"How do you sleep at night?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps you should ask Elizabeth.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As with all things relating to Elizabeth, Ross instantly hears the \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em> I'm-so-going-to-murder-you-right-now music in his head.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOy6hqzfsAs\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Ross' friend reminds him of Michelle Obama's aphorism, \"When they go low, we go high.\" Ross forces himself to stop fantasizing about putting a knife in Malfoy's eyeball and decides to wait 'til the season finale to murder him instead. A fine compromise!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross heads home and can't find Demelza anywhere. Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's not! She's casually kicking back, watching Netflix with her new daughter, Clowance (a name that only Morwenna's mom and \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-768x540.jpg\">this lover of jumbling random syllables\u003c/a> could love). Ross comes in and finds Demelza making this cause-I-slay face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/marie-antoinette-bed-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96787\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/marie-antoinette-bed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross can't believe she was able to deliver her own baby. Demelza responds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/what-like-its-hard-legally-blonde-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96788\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/what-like-its-hard-legally-blonde-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"145\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Malfoy, Elizabeth continues to refuse to touch Valentine. Haters gonna hate, sociopaths gonna sociopath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, the throuple of Drake, Morwenna, and Geoffrey Charles becomes a fourple with the inclusion of Agatha. There's apparently enough of Drake to go around, which Agatha is more than pleased to know. I mean, just look at the way she looks at him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96792\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-1020x498.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"312\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-160x78.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-800x391.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-768x375.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-960x469.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-240x117.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-375x183.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-520x254.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' place, Blondie excitedly tells Ross and Demelza that the Parliament Wannabe she refused to marry is going to pull some strings and have Doc released from the French prison-of-war camp. Ross and Demelza, who both know a thing or two about things never working out that easily, give her the \"Sure, Jan\" treatment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In France, Doc cauterizes the festering wounds of his fellow prisoners with a hot spoon, thinking to himself \u003cem>FML\u003c/em> and \u003cem>I miss Horace the Pug\u003c/em> (we all do; where is he?!??).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Channel-surfing back to \u003cem>Everybody Loves Drake\u003c/em>, news arrives that Morwenna has to go celebrate Christmas at Malfoy's new digs for a few weeks. Geoffrey Charles takes a break from cock-blocking by briefly leaving the room for a few seconds (finally!). This is your moment, Drake and Morwenna! Make out! Before it's too late!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kiss-the-girl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake leans in...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96793\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-little-mermaid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>... and kisses...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-nodding-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-nodding-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"415\" height=\"498\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>... her hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-bangs-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Morwenna is like, \u003cem>You know what? No. We're doing this.\u003c/em> She goes in for the kiss, and right before their lips touch... Geoffrey Charles comes running back in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kiss-the-girl-little-mermaid-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kiss-the-girl-little-mermaid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"282\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Sam scolds Drake for risking his immortal soul with all the hand-kissing. At least that's what I think he said. I couldn't hear over the sound of his wet half-nakedness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1018\" height=\"492\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM.png 1018w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-160x77.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-800x387.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-768x371.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-960x464.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-240x116.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-375x181.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-520x251.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1018px) 100vw, 1018px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross writes Agatha an invitation to Clowance's baptism. Upon delivery, Malfoy's Slytherin crony breaks the eleventh commandment (\u003cem>thou shalt not mess with another's snail mail\u003c/em>) and crumples the letter up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/going-straight-to-hell-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/going-straight-to-hell-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward to the baptism! (Time sure does fly when you're poor in the 18th century!) Morwenna and Drake send I-kiss-before-marriage looks back and forth across the church. Sam tries to expunge any signs of whoredom out of his brother by staring at the side of his face like a maniac.\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"312\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM.png 1016w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-160x78.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-800x391.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-768x375.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-960x469.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-240x117.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-375x183.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-520x254.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96803\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1018\" height=\"492\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM.png 1018w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-160x77.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-800x387.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-768x371.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-960x464.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-240x116.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-375x181.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-520x251.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1018px) 100vw, 1018px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza takes Morwenna to the side and explains the state of things: \u003cem>You're rich, my brother is poor. This will only end with both of you writing wistful Taylor Swift breakup songs. \u003c/em>Morwenna is too polite to bring up the fact that both Demelza and Ross and Blondie and Doc have cross-class marriages. Instead, she agrees to break up with Drake immediately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But it's one thing to resolve to crush Drake's heart when he's not in eyesight; it's quite another to do it to his beautiful face. Morwenna tells him they need to stop seeing each other, each word becoming less convincing as Drake's cute mug gets closer and closer to hers, until THEY KISS WITHOUT GEOFFREY CHARLES WATCHING! Victory!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-kiss-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96815\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-kiss-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Meanwhile, in France, Doc is still poking at festering wounds, missing Horace (and Blondie too, I guess).\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">At chez Elizabeth, Malfoy is hosting a ball, but no super-rich people show up (boo hoo!), and the people who do look like they've just seen a \u003cem>Schindler's List\u003c/em> / \u003cem>Titanic\u003c/em> / \u003cem>Beaches\u003c/em> triple feature.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Right in front of Malfoy, Morwenna and Geoffrey Charles loudly talk about how they disobeyed his orders and secretly went to the baptism to hang out with Ross and co. I realize they're head over heels for Drake, and infatuation makes people do dumb things, but get it together! \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Geoffrey Charles also loudly proclaims that Valentine drools (figuratively, but also literally) and Clowance rules. \u003cem>How dare he diss my heir who's suspiciously too dark to actually be mine?!\u003c/em> Malfoy vows to send Geoffrey Charles off to boarding school, which means Drake and Morwenna might actually get to second base before they're 70!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/old-people-kissing-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96831\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/old-people-kissing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Back in the countryside, Ross figures out Agatha didn't come to the baptism because someone evil broke the eleventh commandment. He rides over there in a huff to spend some much-needed quality time. We're about to get this episode's New Reason to Love Agatha Above All Others™ in 3, 2, 1... \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\"Of course I never had your invitation! Do you think I'd miss a chance to drink port and eat heavy cake?!\" There it is! I hope Agatha lives as long as the Countess from \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> (a.k.a. forever).\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Apparently, Malfoy didn't get the Agatha-is-immortal memo 'cause he's trying to kill her by having his Slytherin cronies refuse to light fires for her in the dead of winter. Ross invites Agatha to come live with him, to which Agatha remarks, \"And lose the chance to torment him?! Nahhhh.\" Bonus New Reason to Love Agatha Above All Others™! Life is good.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Ross tells Agatha he feels bad that Geoffrey Charles has to deal with such a \"gamecock\" stepdad. Agatha asks, \u003cem>Uhhh, what about Valentine?,\u003c/em> and gives him this \u003cem>Girl, who are you kidding?\u003c/em> look:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\"> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96826\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Back at the ball, Malfoy runs to Elizabeth and tattles about Morwenna and Geoffrey Charles attending the baptism. Elizabeth misses the point and gets furious that Ross has a new daughter. Don't worry, Liz, you can just kill this one with your germs too and never say sorry like last time. Never one to not dance on an infant's grave, Malfoy says this despicable thing: \"Let's hope they're less careless with this one.\"\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38909\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">They agree to punish Morwenna. With a hair shirt or by forcing her to sleep on a bed of nails or some other kind of medieval torture? Not quite, but close enough. They're going to force her to marry a gross goblin, who is drinking and flirting up a storm a mere week after his wife died.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Over at Ross' place, everyone is chowing down on a huge turkey and singing whatever the 18th-century \"Despacito\" equivalent is. Blondie wonders aloud what Doc is up to. Answer: watching his friends die and eating rats. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/eating-rat-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96832\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/eating-rat-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Later, Ross and friends head into town to pass out food to the starving (which turns out to be everyone). Ross devises a secret plan to pass out even more loafs of bread and heal leprosy with a single touch and stuff. Dear Ross, Jesus called, he wants his storyline back.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Demelza and Blondie get ready to play their part in the let's-stuff-everyone-with-bread plan by dressing up as \"highwaymen\" and getting ugly rich dudes to give them money. They enjoyed and signed onto my \u003cem>Thelma and Louise: The Prequel\u003c/em> pitch! Very exciting news, but not quite as exciting as the fact that HORACE THE PUG IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Look at him yawn and show off his beautiful curves!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1020x565.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"355\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1020x565.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-800x443.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-768x425.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1920x1063.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1180x653.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-240x133.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-375x208.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-520x288.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Back at Voldemort Headquarters, Elizabeth informs Morwenna that they sold her hand in marriage for a few bucks. When Morwenna begins to weep, Elizabeth shows off the gold medal she won in the Sociopath Olympics by asking, \"Do our kind thoughts displease you?\"\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Morwenna asks, \"Is it wrong to hope for love in a marriage? When you wed Frances, did you not marry for love?\" Elizabeth is like, \u003cem>LOL definitely not! Every time I marry, I do it for hard cash and to get a rise out of Ross, duh!\u003c/em> After she grows bored of pointing and laughing at Morwenna's pain, Elizabeth goes to her room, takes a shot of liquid Xanax and ignores Valentine some more.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">The following day, Gross Goblin salivates in front of Morwenna about the prospect of her raising his two daughters and \"comfort[ing] me as only a wife can.\" Morwenna runs from the room cause the vomit in her mouth has to go somewhere.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> I feel you, girl.\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/gag-me.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96833\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/gag-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"464\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Over at Millennials <3 Jesus headquarters, Ross and co. are passing out food to the poor, paid for by all the donations Thelma and Louise raised. Under the impression that the food was obtained illegally, Malfoy rides up to ruin everyone's day. Before he can say \u003cem>Ha ha! I'm still going to find a way to ensure that you all starve!\u003c/em>, Thelma and Louise let him know that he and his rich friends unwittingly made all of this possible. Ross follows up that slap with a \u003cem>Get the F off my land before I put your entire head into a blazing fireplace like last season\u003c/em>.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/home-alone-head-fire.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96834\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/home-alone-head-fire.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Over in France, Doc and friends are REALLY thirsty. The guards take bets on who will the be the next prisoner to die. Elizabeth should totally get an internship with them. I bet she'd fit right in.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">To get even with Ross, Malfoy closes the Poldark family mine, as if to say, \u003cem>The poor people you fed might not die of starvation, but these 70 poor workers will! Gotcha!\u003c/em> Way to make Voldemort smile with pride.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/voldemort-smile.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96836\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/voldemort-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"636\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Back in France, Doc finally has cause to celebrate! A friend that he's nursed back to health from the brink of death is going to live! But before he can get to the second y in YAAAAAYYYY!, a random French guard strolls over and shoots Doc's friend to death. Yikes! Remember when the darkest thing on this show was love triangle jealousy?\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Over in Cornwall, Ross just hires all the fired poor dudes. Huh, that was easy. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">On a muddy lane, Drake, Sam, and Demelza come across a carriage stuck in the mud, which is carrying... Morwenna! Drake is over the moon and one step closer to second base. Sam and all the apostles strongly disapprove.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/everything-is-ungodly.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96827\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/everything-is-ungodly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"165\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">In the city, Malfoy calls Gross Goblin \"a reptile and a prig,\" and smiles at the thought of still forcing Morwenna to marry him. Cut to a scene absolutely no one asked for, in which a tailor accidentally bumps Gross Goblin's testicles.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/my-eyes.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96828\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/my-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"272\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">On their secret sexy beach, Drake and Morwenna run in slow motion towards each other. Geoffrey Charles is nowhere to be seen. Is this a dream? Could this really be? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">It could! They smash their faces into each other and feel each other up. Second base at long last.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Murderous French guard.\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"https://fat.gfycat.com/SpeedySmoothFennecfox.gif\">Be cool. Don't be all, like, uncool.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Geoffrey Charles. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">I think Etta James' \"At Last\" is about him finally taking the hint and staying home for once. Good going!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Horace the Pug.\u003c/strong> Glad to have you back, you beautiful being you. Can't wait to watch you yawn some more next week.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Demelza. \u003c/strong>She can deliver her own children, sing like Ariana Grande, and resist the urge to kill Ross every time he deserves it (usually three times a week). Is there anything she can't do?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Agatha.\u003c/strong> This could have gone to Ross for helping more poor people than Mother Teresa in a single day, but Agatha's love of booze, cake, and risking her life just for the opportunity to be petty is so relatable and deserves something shiny.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "96591 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=96591",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/15/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": true,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 2596,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 65
},
"modified": 1508782828,
"excerpt": "A birth, a death, a trip to second base, and a rat dinner, all play a part in this week's 'Poldark.'",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "A birth, a death, a trip to second base, and a rat dinner, all play a part in this week's 'Poldark.'",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl",
"datePublished": "2017-10-15T14:10:00-07:00",
"dateModified": "2017-10-23T11:20:28-07:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/96591/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross was really terrible at spying in France and almost got guillotined. Will he risk his neck one more time to save Doc and his new beard? Will Drake and Morwenna finally make out (with Geoffrey Charles awkwardly watching, of course)? Will \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png\">Demelza and Blondie star in \u003cem>Thelma and Louise: The Prequel\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, even though their husbands aren't dead? Will Agatha let out another \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/916919639166246912?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fww2.kqed.org%2Fpop%2F2017%2F10%2F08%2Fpoldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi%2F\">cute, prolonged fart\u003c/a>? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How many minutes into this week's episode before something terrible happens to poor people? Answer: Not even one! Cold and starving, a few villagers snag some grain from one of Malfoy's boats so they don't have to die. They die anyway because soldiers shoot them in the street. The ones that survive are sentenced to fifteen years by Malfoy. Someone hold me back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/scrappy-doo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/scrappy-doo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza is doing manual labor while \u003cem>being in \u003c/em>labor. Now that Doc is a French captive and the only other doctor in town always manages to kill people by accident, Demelza has decided to secretly do it herself. I am still very emotional over the last time a Masterpiece show killed off a birthing mother (rest in power forever and always, Sybil from \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>; I hope you're \u003ca href=\"http://recollections.biz/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/lady-sybil-blue-harem-pants-dowton.jpg\">wearing cool harem pants\u003c/a> in heaven), so here's hoping the writers leave Demelza -- and Valentine's new half-sibling -- alone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a cliffside, Ross tsk-tsks as sick workers from the mine he sold to Malfoy cart off a dead colleague. Not one to miss an opportunity to gloat over the corpse of a poor person, Malfoy materializes and picks a fight by calling Ross a copper mine, \"full of noise but ultimately lacking in substance.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/tinf.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/tinf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When that barb falls flat, he tries poking at an old, very tired wound:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"How do you sleep at night?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Perhaps you should ask Elizabeth.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As with all things relating to Elizabeth, Ross instantly hears the \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em> I'm-so-going-to-murder-you-right-now music in his head.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>But Ross' friend reminds him of Michelle Obama's aphorism, \"When they go low, we go high.\" Ross forces himself to stop fantasizing about putting a knife in Malfoy's eyeball and decides to wait 'til the season finale to murder him instead. A fine compromise!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross heads home and can't find Demelza anywhere. Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's not! She's casually kicking back, watching Netflix with her new daughter, Clowance (a name that only Morwenna's mom and \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-768x540.jpg\">this lover of jumbling random syllables\u003c/a> could love). Ross comes in and finds Demelza making this cause-I-slay face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/marie-antoinette-bed-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96787\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/marie-antoinette-bed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross can't believe she was able to deliver her own baby. Demelza responds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/what-like-its-hard-legally-blonde-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96788\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/what-like-its-hard-legally-blonde-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"145\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Malfoy, Elizabeth continues to refuse to touch Valentine. Haters gonna hate, sociopaths gonna sociopath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, the throuple of Drake, Morwenna, and Geoffrey Charles becomes a fourple with the inclusion of Agatha. There's apparently enough of Drake to go around, which Agatha is more than pleased to know. I mean, just look at the way she looks at him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96792\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-1020x498.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"312\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-160x78.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-800x391.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-768x375.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-960x469.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-240x117.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-375x183.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/agatha-heart-eyes-520x254.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' place, Blondie excitedly tells Ross and Demelza that the Parliament Wannabe she refused to marry is going to pull some strings and have Doc released from the French prison-of-war camp. Ross and Demelza, who both know a thing or two about things never working out that easily, give her the \"Sure, Jan\" treatment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In France, Doc cauterizes the festering wounds of his fellow prisoners with a hot spoon, thinking to himself \u003cem>FML\u003c/em> and \u003cem>I miss Horace the Pug\u003c/em> (we all do; where is he?!??).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Channel-surfing back to \u003cem>Everybody Loves Drake\u003c/em>, news arrives that Morwenna has to go celebrate Christmas at Malfoy's new digs for a few weeks. Geoffrey Charles takes a break from cock-blocking by briefly leaving the room for a few seconds (finally!). This is your moment, Drake and Morwenna! Make out! Before it's too late!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kiss-the-girl-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake leans in...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96793\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-little-mermaid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>... and kisses...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-nodding-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-nodding-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"415\" height=\"498\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>... her hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-bangs-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Morwenna is like, \u003cem>You know what? No. We're doing this.\u003c/em> She goes in for the kiss, and right before their lips touch... Geoffrey Charles comes running back in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kiss-the-girl-little-mermaid-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kiss-the-girl-little-mermaid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"282\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Sam scolds Drake for risking his immortal soul with all the hand-kissing. At least that's what I think he said. I couldn't hear over the sound of his wet half-nakedness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1018\" height=\"492\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM.png 1018w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-160x77.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-800x387.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-768x371.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-960x464.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-240x116.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-375x181.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-4.57.20-PM-520x251.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1018px) 100vw, 1018px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross writes Agatha an invitation to Clowance's baptism. Upon delivery, Malfoy's Slytherin crony breaks the eleventh commandment (\u003cem>thou shalt not mess with another's snail mail\u003c/em>) and crumples the letter up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/going-straight-to-hell-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/going-straight-to-hell-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward to the baptism! (Time sure does fly when you're poor in the 18th century!) Morwenna and Drake send I-kiss-before-marriage looks back and forth across the church. Sam tries to expunge any signs of whoredom out of his brother by staring at the side of his face like a maniac.\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"312\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM.png 1016w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-160x78.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-800x391.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-768x375.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-960x469.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-240x117.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-375x183.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.25.31-PM-520x254.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96803\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1018\" height=\"492\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM.png 1018w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-160x77.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-800x387.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-768x371.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-960x464.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-240x116.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-375x181.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-12-at-5.28.01-PM-520x251.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1018px) 100vw, 1018px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza takes Morwenna to the side and explains the state of things: \u003cem>You're rich, my brother is poor. This will only end with both of you writing wistful Taylor Swift breakup songs. \u003c/em>Morwenna is too polite to bring up the fact that both Demelza and Ross and Blondie and Doc have cross-class marriages. Instead, she agrees to break up with Drake immediately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But it's one thing to resolve to crush Drake's heart when he's not in eyesight; it's quite another to do it to his beautiful face. Morwenna tells him they need to stop seeing each other, each word becoming less convincing as Drake's cute mug gets closer and closer to hers, until THEY KISS WITHOUT GEOFFREY CHARLES WATCHING! Victory!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-kiss-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96815\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ariel-kiss-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Meanwhile, in France, Doc is still poking at festering wounds, missing Horace (and Blondie too, I guess).\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">At chez Elizabeth, Malfoy is hosting a ball, but no super-rich people show up (boo hoo!), and the people who do look like they've just seen a \u003cem>Schindler's List\u003c/em> / \u003cem>Titanic\u003c/em> / \u003cem>Beaches\u003c/em> triple feature.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Right in front of Malfoy, Morwenna and Geoffrey Charles loudly talk about how they disobeyed his orders and secretly went to the baptism to hang out with Ross and co. I realize they're head over heels for Drake, and infatuation makes people do dumb things, but get it together! \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Geoffrey Charles also loudly proclaims that Valentine drools (figuratively, but also literally) and Clowance rules. \u003cem>How dare he diss my heir who's suspiciously too dark to actually be mine?!\u003c/em> Malfoy vows to send Geoffrey Charles off to boarding school, which means Drake and Morwenna might actually get to second base before they're 70!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/old-people-kissing-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96831\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/old-people-kissing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Back in the countryside, Ross figures out Agatha didn't come to the baptism because someone evil broke the eleventh commandment. He rides over there in a huff to spend some much-needed quality time. We're about to get this episode's New Reason to Love Agatha Above All Others™ in 3, 2, 1... \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\"Of course I never had your invitation! Do you think I'd miss a chance to drink port and eat heavy cake?!\" There it is! I hope Agatha lives as long as the Countess from \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> (a.k.a. forever).\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Apparently, Malfoy didn't get the Agatha-is-immortal memo 'cause he's trying to kill her by having his Slytherin cronies refuse to light fires for her in the dead of winter. Ross invites Agatha to come live with him, to which Agatha remarks, \"And lose the chance to torment him?! Nahhhh.\" Bonus New Reason to Love Agatha Above All Others™! Life is good.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Ross tells Agatha he feels bad that Geoffrey Charles has to deal with such a \"gamecock\" stepdad. Agatha asks, \u003cem>Uhhh, what about Valentine?,\u003c/em> and gives him this \u003cem>Girl, who are you kidding?\u003c/em> look:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\"> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96826\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/ag.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Back at the ball, Malfoy runs to Elizabeth and tattles about Morwenna and Geoffrey Charles attending the baptism. Elizabeth misses the point and gets furious that Ross has a new daughter. Don't worry, Liz, you can just kill this one with your germs too and never say sorry like last time. Never one to not dance on an infant's grave, Malfoy says this despicable thing: \"Let's hope they're less careless with this one.\"\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38909\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">They agree to punish Morwenna. With a hair shirt or by forcing her to sleep on a bed of nails or some other kind of medieval torture? Not quite, but close enough. They're going to force her to marry a gross goblin, who is drinking and flirting up a storm a mere week after his wife died.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Over at Ross' place, everyone is chowing down on a huge turkey and singing whatever the 18th-century \"Despacito\" equivalent is. Blondie wonders aloud what Doc is up to. Answer: watching his friends die and eating rats. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/eating-rat-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96832\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/eating-rat-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Later, Ross and friends head into town to pass out food to the starving (which turns out to be everyone). Ross devises a secret plan to pass out even more loafs of bread and heal leprosy with a single touch and stuff. Dear Ross, Jesus called, he wants his storyline back.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Demelza and Blondie get ready to play their part in the let's-stuff-everyone-with-bread plan by dressing up as \"highwaymen\" and getting ugly rich dudes to give them money. They enjoyed and signed onto my \u003cem>Thelma and Louise: The Prequel\u003c/em> pitch! Very exciting news, but not quite as exciting as the fact that HORACE THE PUG IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Look at him yawn and show off his beautiful curves!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1020x565.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"355\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1020x565.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-800x443.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-768x425.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1920x1063.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1180x653.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-240x133.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-375x208.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy-520x288.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-3-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Back at Voldemort Headquarters, Elizabeth informs Morwenna that they sold her hand in marriage for a few bucks. When Morwenna begins to weep, Elizabeth shows off the gold medal she won in the Sociopath Olympics by asking, \"Do our kind thoughts displease you?\"\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Morwenna asks, \"Is it wrong to hope for love in a marriage? When you wed Frances, did you not marry for love?\" Elizabeth is like, \u003cem>LOL definitely not! Every time I marry, I do it for hard cash and to get a rise out of Ross, duh!\u003c/em> After she grows bored of pointing and laughing at Morwenna's pain, Elizabeth goes to her room, takes a shot of liquid Xanax and ignores Valentine some more.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">The following day, Gross Goblin salivates in front of Morwenna about the prospect of her raising his two daughters and \"comfort[ing] me as only a wife can.\" Morwenna runs from the room cause the vomit in her mouth has to go somewhere.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> I feel you, girl.\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/gag-me.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96833\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/gag-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"464\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Over at Millennials <3 Jesus headquarters, Ross and co. are passing out food to the poor, paid for by all the donations Thelma and Louise raised. Under the impression that the food was obtained illegally, Malfoy rides up to ruin everyone's day. Before he can say \u003cem>Ha ha! I'm still going to find a way to ensure that you all starve!\u003c/em>, Thelma and Louise let him know that he and his rich friends unwittingly made all of this possible. Ross follows up that slap with a \u003cem>Get the F off my land before I put your entire head into a blazing fireplace like last season\u003c/em>.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/home-alone-head-fire.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96834\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/home-alone-head-fire.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Over in France, Doc and friends are REALLY thirsty. The guards take bets on who will the be the next prisoner to die. Elizabeth should totally get an internship with them. I bet she'd fit right in.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">To get even with Ross, Malfoy closes the Poldark family mine, as if to say, \u003cem>The poor people you fed might not die of starvation, but these 70 poor workers will! Gotcha!\u003c/em> Way to make Voldemort smile with pride.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/voldemort-smile.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96836\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/voldemort-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"636\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Back in France, Doc finally has cause to celebrate! A friend that he's nursed back to health from the brink of death is going to live! But before he can get to the second y in YAAAAAYYYY!, a random French guard strolls over and shoots Doc's friend to death. Yikes! Remember when the darkest thing on this show was love triangle jealousy?\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Over in Cornwall, Ross just hires all the fired poor dudes. Huh, that was easy. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">On a muddy lane, Drake, Sam, and Demelza come across a carriage stuck in the mud, which is carrying... Morwenna! Drake is over the moon and one step closer to second base. Sam and all the apostles strongly disapprove.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/everything-is-ungodly.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96827\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/everything-is-ungodly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"165\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">In the city, Malfoy calls Gross Goblin \"a reptile and a prig,\" and smiles at the thought of still forcing Morwenna to marry him. Cut to a scene absolutely no one asked for, in which a tailor accidentally bumps Gross Goblin's testicles.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/my-eyes.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96828\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/my-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"272\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">On their secret sexy beach, Drake and Morwenna run in slow motion towards each other. Geoffrey Charles is nowhere to be seen. Is this a dream? Could this really be? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">It could! They smash their faces into each other and feel each other up. Second base at long last.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Murderous French guard.\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"https://fat.gfycat.com/SpeedySmoothFennecfox.gif\">Be cool. Don't be all, like, uncool.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">Geoffrey Charles. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">I think Etta James' \"At Last\" is about him finally taking the hint and staying home for once. Good going!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Horace the Pug.\u003c/strong> Glad to have you back, you beautiful being you. Can't wait to watch you yawn some more next week.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Demelza. \u003c/strong>She can deliver her own children, sing like Ariana Grande, and resist the urge to kill Ross every time he deserves it (usually three times a week). Is there anything she can't do?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Agatha.\u003c/strong> This could have gone to Ross for helping more poor people than Mother Teresa in a single day, but Agatha's love of booze, cake, and risking her life just for the opportunity to be petty is so relatable and deserves something shiny.\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">‘Poldark’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/96591/poldark-season-3-episode-3-recap-kiss-the-girl",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_2905",
"pop_8"
],
"featImg": "pop_96837",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_96590": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_96590",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96590",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1507510234000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1507510234,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Doc got married, delivered a baby, \u003cem>and\u003c/em> got captured by French revolutionaries (slow your roll, dude!). Will his captors spare his pretty face? Will Ross lose a hand and turn the bones into a maraca, like his pirate friend? Will Elizabeth stop bullying her newborn baby? Will Demelza's hot brothers take their shirts off some more? Will Horace the Pug do something cute? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza stands at the edge of a beautiful vista with her son. Is she showing him the finer points of taking a panorama shot worth at least 100 Instagram likes? No, just wondering aloud if Ross has gotten himself killed yet again (her default setting). From now on, drink every time Demelza makes a scrunched-up, worried face while cursing Ross in her head for making her life so stressful (you might not be coherent by the end of this recap, but you only live once, right?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in France, Ross and Bone Maraca Pirate look around and see a Brit taking a rifle to the face next to a bloody, dripping guillotine. Both think, \u003cem>Okay, maybe we didn't think this plan all the way through.\u003c/em> They also think this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mom-can-you-pick-me-up-im-scared-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96604\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mom-can-you-pick-me-up-im-scared-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Malfoy is cranky again. What's he whining about this time?\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Elizabeth, can you stop acknowledging the existence of poor people by saying hi? Why can't you be an obedient wife and just send them a withering look that translates to \u003c/em>I hope you die in a muddy gutter\u003cem> like I always do? Wahhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Ugh, Demelza's brothers are trolling me by loudly singing right outside of my church! They don't love Jesus like I love Jesus! Actually, \u003c/em>I\u003cem> am Jesus and they are Judas! They are \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suppressive_Person\">suppressive people\u003c/a>! Wahhhhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Ewww! Look at those unwashed village children showing us their teeth. Wait, what? That's called smiling? I hate it! Ban smiling! Wahhhhhhhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Ross is really bad at this whole laying-low-in-order-to-keep-one's-head-attached-to-one's-body thing. He's just standing in the middle of a square, looking very lost and very British. On top of this, he gawks every time a revolutionary slits someone's throat or beats a helpless woman. One of said revolutionaries finally is like, \"DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?\" (I know that's what he said 'cause I'm fancy and took a few French classes in college.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, a little boy runs up and gives Ross a note that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hey. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I was going to wait until the coast was clear to contact you, but wow, you really suck at this, so go to this location and try not to get us all killed. K?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Sincerely, \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Kindergartener Who's Better at Being a Spy Than You \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, one of Ross' friends tells Demelza that Ross' genius let's-just-ride-on-over-to-wartime-France-and-free-a-heavily-guarded-prisoner plan isn't going well. Demelza responds succinctly and emphatically with one of these:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/michelle-tanner-duh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96608\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/michelle-tanner-duh-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"700\" height=\"526\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Ross kills time while waiting for another contact by eyeing up a hot waitress. He wonders if it would be totally inappropriate to cheat on Demelza again. What's one more betrayal, right? Bone Maraca Pirate channels his inner Hilary Duff and gives Ross a look that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-not-duff.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96609\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-not-duff.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach somewhere, Geoffrey Charles is the awkward third wheel on yet another Drake / Morwenna date. They look at each other adoringly and then look away and then look back at each other for several hours. I pop out from behind a rock and shout the following:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/just-kiss-you-morons-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96611\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/just-kiss-you-morons-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Every episode, Agatha does something super random and wonderful that makes me fall in love with her all over again (see: last episode's \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/914746367263698945\">weird burp thing\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792923043731345408\">this great eye roll\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792875375730630657\">the time she said \"Fiddlesticks!\"\u003c/a> or the time she burst into a room and yelled, \"Where's my port?!\" to no one in particular). So what will it be this week?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/916919639166246912\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A cute, prolonged fart! Mission accomplished!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha calls out Geoffrey Charles on his secret beach trip by pointing out all the sand in his hair, on his face, and on his shoes. Amateur. \"You have to be sharp to out-trump me, boy!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/nicole-richie-know-everything-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96613\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/nicole-richie-know-everything-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth pops in to say, \u003cem>Never go to Ross' beach ever again! I hate him for no good reason now, remember?\u003c/em> Geoffrey Charles expertly gets out of being grounded by commenting on how much darker his new baby brother is than he should be.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oooh-scandal-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96614\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oooh-scandal-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Ross tells Bone Maraca Pirate that his philandering ways are behind him. No hot waitress this time. This makes Bone Maraca Pirate's inner Hilary Duff very sad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hilary-duff-cry-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96615\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hilary-duff-cry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is soon contacted by a shady French dude who keeps taking his money in exchange for super vague, unhelpful information. I smell...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/980x.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96616\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/980x.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Cornwall, Malfoy tries to get Elizabeth to accompany him to his first day on the bench as magistrate. \u003cem>Come watch me sentence innocent poor people to death! It'll be fun!\u003c/em> Elizabeth is like, \u003cem>Nah, it was boring when my last husband did it and it's boring now. I'm just gonna stay home and hate my... I mean, our... baby.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Ross and Bone Maraca Pirate take a break from drinking to watch someone get their head guillotined right off. The hot waitress is nearby enjoying the bloodshed. Moments later, she approaches Ross and asks if she can go up to his room to see his \"papers.\" She says this while pushing a cord seductively into a bottle. Oh, my!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pop-champagne-bottle-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96617\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pop-champagne-bottle-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/fran-drescher-gasp-clutch-pearls-gif.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96619\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/fran-drescher-gasp-clutch-pearls-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"347\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross lets Hot Waitress know that his cork already has a bottle. Awww.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of bottles, Demelza has that scrunched-up, worried look again! Drink up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kristen-wiig-drinking-downing-wine-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96643\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kristen-wiig-drinking-downing-wine-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"211\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At court, Malfoy gets off on sentencing poor people to public floggings, telling Blondie that Doc is totally doornail dead, and taking back a building Drake and Sam turned into a church for Millennials. Agatha better step up her voodoo doll skills 'cause this jerk is on a roll.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Millennials for Christ headquarters, Drake and Sam are sad they can't sing hymns and kneel and drink cheap blood wine and whatever else people do at church. Sam says it's up to baby Jesus to help them now. Demelza is like, \u003cem>That's not a thing. Storming over to Elizabeth's house to make a scene is though! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Hot Waitress can't believe Ross swiped left on her! She gets her revenge by calling the cops on him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hater-raven-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96620\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hater-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"168\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They take Ross to a dark cellar and threaten to imprison or murder him. Ross makes it rain guineas and they quickly change their tune to \u003cem>Ok, cool, no imprisonment or guillotine, but GTFO of France by midnight (and don't forget your glass slipper on the way out).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Liz, Sam tries to make a deal with Elizabeth: S\u003cem>ave our hip DIY church and god will save your soul! \u003c/em>Elizabeth is like,\u003cem> That's not a thing, but I'll try.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, outside, Drake and Morwenna are doing their looking at each other and away and at each other thing again. This time, it's Geoffrey Charles, and not me, who pops out to basically say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/just-kiss-you-morons-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96611\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/just-kiss-you-morons-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Malfoy comes home gleeful about all the lives he's ruined. Plus, he got a compliment on his robe too! How nice. Elizabeth shares details of Sam's visit, and Malfoy can sense that she's thinking of poor folk as actual humans again. There's only one way to fix that: make it about Ross and wait for her inner monster to appear!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>My dead husband gave them the land. It would be wrong to unlawfully snatch it away from these hipsters for Christ.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sam is Demelza's brother. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>WHAT??? TWO DEGRESS FROM ROSS?? WHOM I HATE FOR NO GOOD REASON????? OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!! Oh, and yeah, totally take away their clubhouse too.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For those of you who leave comments asking why I hate Elizabeth, this is why.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' house, Blondie is like, \u003cem>Ugh, Doc is totally dead. And we only got to have sex twice. \u003c/em>Demelza makes her scrunched-up, worried face again. Chugalug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/amy-schumer-drinking-wine-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/amy-schumer-drinking-wine-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across the Channel, Ross is on a boat heading home. Bone Maraca Pirate is like, \u003cem>Phew! I totally thought I would have to make a new belt maraca with your entire skeleton in it! Glad we're sensible enough to know when to call it quits.\u003c/em> Ross is like, \u003cem>Me? Sensible? Never!!!\u003c/em> He runs to the edge of the ship and jumps. An idea as idiotic as this one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jump-canonball-ice-ouch-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96623\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jump-canonball-ice-ouch-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Days later, Bone Maraca Pirate gives Demelza Ross' hat and tells her what she already knows: her husband is nuts. Demelza makes a scrunched-up, I'm-going-to-murder-him-with-my-own-two-hands face this time. Throw back a shot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/buffy-take-shot-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96640\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/buffy-take-shot-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Elizabeth is still on a tear about how much she hates Ross. We got the memo, girl. You can give it a rest now. Malfoy proposes a plan: Why don't they take baby Valentine and move to a different town? What a splendid idea! Could my dream of never seeing either of these characters again be realized? Was Sam right all along? Praying works?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jennifer-lawrence-praying-thank-god-jesus-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96641\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jennifer-lawrence-praying-thank-god-jesus-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"494\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth pretends to care about leaving Geoffrey Charles behind, before quickly saying, \u003cem>Ah, F it, he'll make do. Let's move today, so I'll never have to see Ross ever again!\u003c/em> This is all very comical, considering that, not only did Ross have nothing to do with the Millennial Christians: UK Chapter, but he's currently hiding in a pile of French hay. Anyway, good riddance!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snow-white-kiss-wave-bye-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96624\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snow-white-kiss-wave-bye-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"454\" height=\"324\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza is telling Drake that marriage is a bunch of BS. \"I promised to love, honor, and obey him. And why should I?\" Uh oh, is Demelza's \u003cem>Lemonade\u003c/em> era upon us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her first step toward creating a diss album about Ross is giving away one of his storehouses to the Millennials for Christ.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sam:\u003c/strong> \"Brother Ross won't like it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No more than I like certain antics of his. What's his is mine.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yass-beyonce.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yass-beyonce.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In France, Ross has managed to leave his pile of hay, thanks to a beanie that renders him invisible. He goes back to the same bar -- dude, maybe pick a different spot? -- and demands a list of prisoner names from his scammer co-conspirator. Alas, the beanie is not actually an invisibility cloak, and Hot Waitress turns him in yet again. \u003cem>You should have couchez'ed avec moi the other soir\u003c/em>, she scolds. Ross takes off his beanie, punches every male in his vicinity in the face, and skedaddles. Run, Forrest, run!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Malfoy gets a letter from some rich dude that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Sup? Could you let my son off the hook for assaulting a servant girl? Who cares, amirite? LOL. Thanks! P.S. Isn't classism fun? See you at court! 😉\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Elizabeth finally relents and goes to see Malfoy ruin lives in his pretty robe. He decides to make an example of the servant girl for \"perjury\" and for daring to stand up for her civil rights. Elizabeth is absolutely shocked by this injustice. I really don't get why she's constantly surprised by Malfoy's evil ways. He literally does at least one terrible thing every 7 minutes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snap-out-of-it-cher-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snap-out-of-it-cher-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Demelza (with scrunched-up, worried face in full effect; drink!) and Blondie agree that their husbands are most likely dead. But all is not lost! Now ball and chain free, they could hit the road and star in \u003cem>Thelma and Louise: The Prequel\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96631\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1020x740.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"464\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1020x740.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-160x116.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-800x581.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-768x557.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1180x856.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-960x697.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-240x174.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-375x272.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-520x377.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png 1196w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Elizabeth is randomly taking Xanax in liquid form, with a side of booze. It's lucky for her there's little to no heavy machinery invented yet for her to operate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the beach, Drake, Morwenna, and Geoffrey Charles are on yet another throuple date. Just leave him at home! Geez!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the farm, a pregnant Demelza is picking up heavy pieces of wood and cursing Ross in her head... until she hears horse hooves. It's Ross! All is forgiven 'cause his curls have never looked better and his face isn't bad either!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sailor-moon-heart-eyes.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96642\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sailor-moon-heart-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"366\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross managed to snatch a list of British soldiers taken prisoner, and Doc's name is on it! What the list fails to mention is that Doc is rocking a killer beard now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Jesus Lovers \"R\" Us, all the young, hip Christians are making sure their new space adheres to feng shui principles. A random girl shoots Drake a loaded look that says, \u003cem>I kiss before marriage\u003c/em>. Drake sends a look back that says, \u003cem>I'm flattered, but I'm already dating a girl and her eight-year-old companion, sorry!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the yay-you-weren't-decapitated-in-France honeymoon period is over. Ross is chastising Demelza for letting her brothers turn his shed into a home base for their cult. Who gave her permission to do such a thing?! Season 1 Demelza might have allowed this kind of behavior, but Season 3 Demelza is not having it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Other women may bow and scrape and ask permission, as I once did, but no longer.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yas-queen-ilana-broad-city-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96646\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yas-queen-ilana-broad-city-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"376\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then something truly shocking happens. More shocking than Francis being murdered by a random puddle last season. More shocking than Horace the Pug not being in this episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">ROSS\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">ADMITS\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">HE'S\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">WRONG!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Ow0L1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-96636\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Ow0L1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"606\" height=\"432\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96633\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/danny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mr-bean-tea-cup-drop-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mr-bean-tea-cup-drop-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"435\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bbQ3_f-maxage-0_s-200x150.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bbQ3_f-maxage-0_s-200x150.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this will probably never happen again, Demelza and Ross decide to celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime moment by having dirty sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "96590 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=96590",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/08/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": false,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 2500,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 97
},
"modified": 1507492034,
"excerpt": "This week, it's the guillotine vs. Ross. Will he keep his head? (Note: this episode sadly has no cute pugs in it.)",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "This week, it's the guillotine vs. Ross. Will he keep his head? (Note: this episode sadly has no cute pugs in it.)",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi? | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Poldark' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?",
"datePublished": "2017-10-08T17:50:34-07:00",
"dateModified": "2017-10-08T12:47:14-07:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/96590/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Doc got married, delivered a baby, \u003cem>and\u003c/em> got captured by French revolutionaries (slow your roll, dude!). Will his captors spare his pretty face? Will Ross lose a hand and turn the bones into a maraca, like his pirate friend? Will Elizabeth stop bullying her newborn baby? Will Demelza's hot brothers take their shirts off some more? Will Horace the Pug do something cute? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza stands at the edge of a beautiful vista with her son. Is she showing him the finer points of taking a panorama shot worth at least 100 Instagram likes? No, just wondering aloud if Ross has gotten himself killed yet again (her default setting). From now on, drink every time Demelza makes a scrunched-up, worried face while cursing Ross in her head for making her life so stressful (you might not be coherent by the end of this recap, but you only live once, right?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in France, Ross and Bone Maraca Pirate look around and see a Brit taking a rifle to the face next to a bloody, dripping guillotine. Both think, \u003cem>Okay, maybe we didn't think this plan all the way through.\u003c/em> They also think this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mom-can-you-pick-me-up-im-scared-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96604\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mom-can-you-pick-me-up-im-scared-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Malfoy is cranky again. What's he whining about this time?\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Elizabeth, can you stop acknowledging the existence of poor people by saying hi? Why can't you be an obedient wife and just send them a withering look that translates to \u003c/em>I hope you die in a muddy gutter\u003cem> like I always do? Wahhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Ugh, Demelza's brothers are trolling me by loudly singing right outside of my church! They don't love Jesus like I love Jesus! Actually, \u003c/em>I\u003cem> am Jesus and they are Judas! They are \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suppressive_Person\">suppressive people\u003c/a>! Wahhhhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>Ewww! Look at those unwashed village children showing us their teeth. Wait, what? That's called smiling? I hate it! Ban smiling! Wahhhhhhhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Ross is really bad at this whole laying-low-in-order-to-keep-one's-head-attached-to-one's-body thing. He's just standing in the middle of a square, looking very lost and very British. On top of this, he gawks every time a revolutionary slits someone's throat or beats a helpless woman. One of said revolutionaries finally is like, \"DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?\" (I know that's what he said 'cause I'm fancy and took a few French classes in college.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, a little boy runs up and gives Ross a note that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hey. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I was going to wait until the coast was clear to contact you, but wow, you really suck at this, so go to this location and try not to get us all killed. K?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Sincerely, \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Kindergartener Who's Better at Being a Spy Than You \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, one of Ross' friends tells Demelza that Ross' genius let's-just-ride-on-over-to-wartime-France-and-free-a-heavily-guarded-prisoner plan isn't going well. Demelza responds succinctly and emphatically with one of these:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/michelle-tanner-duh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96608\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/michelle-tanner-duh-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"700\" height=\"526\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Ross kills time while waiting for another contact by eyeing up a hot waitress. He wonders if it would be totally inappropriate to cheat on Demelza again. What's one more betrayal, right? Bone Maraca Pirate channels his inner Hilary Duff and gives Ross a look that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-not-duff.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96609\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-not-duff.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach somewhere, Geoffrey Charles is the awkward third wheel on yet another Drake / Morwenna date. They look at each other adoringly and then look away and then look back at each other for several hours. I pop out from behind a rock and shout the following:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/just-kiss-you-morons-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96611\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/just-kiss-you-morons-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Every episode, Agatha does something super random and wonderful that makes me fall in love with her all over again (see: last episode's \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/914746367263698945\">weird burp thing\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792923043731345408\">this great eye roll\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792875375730630657\">the time she said \"Fiddlesticks!\"\u003c/a> or the time she burst into a room and yelled, \"Where's my port?!\" to no one in particular). So what will it be this week?\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "singleTwitterStatus",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"id": "916919639166246912"
},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>A cute, prolonged fart! Mission accomplished!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha calls out Geoffrey Charles on his secret beach trip by pointing out all the sand in his hair, on his face, and on his shoes. Amateur. \"You have to be sharp to out-trump me, boy!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/nicole-richie-know-everything-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96613\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/nicole-richie-know-everything-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth pops in to say, \u003cem>Never go to Ross' beach ever again! I hate him for no good reason now, remember?\u003c/em> Geoffrey Charles expertly gets out of being grounded by commenting on how much darker his new baby brother is than he should be.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oooh-scandal-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96614\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/oooh-scandal-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Ross tells Bone Maraca Pirate that his philandering ways are behind him. No hot waitress this time. This makes Bone Maraca Pirate's inner Hilary Duff very sad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hilary-duff-cry-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96615\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hilary-duff-cry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is soon contacted by a shady French dude who keeps taking his money in exchange for super vague, unhelpful information. I smell...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/980x.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96616\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/980x.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Cornwall, Malfoy tries to get Elizabeth to accompany him to his first day on the bench as magistrate. \u003cem>Come watch me sentence innocent poor people to death! It'll be fun!\u003c/em> Elizabeth is like, \u003cem>Nah, it was boring when my last husband did it and it's boring now. I'm just gonna stay home and hate my... I mean, our... baby.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Ross and Bone Maraca Pirate take a break from drinking to watch someone get their head guillotined right off. The hot waitress is nearby enjoying the bloodshed. Moments later, she approaches Ross and asks if she can go up to his room to see his \"papers.\" She says this while pushing a cord seductively into a bottle. Oh, my!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pop-champagne-bottle-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96617\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pop-champagne-bottle-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"220\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/fran-drescher-gasp-clutch-pearls-gif.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96619\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/fran-drescher-gasp-clutch-pearls-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"347\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross lets Hot Waitress know that his cork already has a bottle. Awww.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of bottles, Demelza has that scrunched-up, worried look again! Drink up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kristen-wiig-drinking-downing-wine-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96643\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/kristen-wiig-drinking-downing-wine-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"211\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At court, Malfoy gets off on sentencing poor people to public floggings, telling Blondie that Doc is totally doornail dead, and taking back a building Drake and Sam turned into a church for Millennials. Agatha better step up her voodoo doll skills 'cause this jerk is on a roll.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Millennials for Christ headquarters, Drake and Sam are sad they can't sing hymns and kneel and drink cheap blood wine and whatever else people do at church. Sam says it's up to baby Jesus to help them now. Demelza is like, \u003cem>That's not a thing. Storming over to Elizabeth's house to make a scene is though! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in France, Hot Waitress can't believe Ross swiped left on her! She gets her revenge by calling the cops on him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hater-raven-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96620\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/hater-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"168\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They take Ross to a dark cellar and threaten to imprison or murder him. Ross makes it rain guineas and they quickly change their tune to \u003cem>Ok, cool, no imprisonment or guillotine, but GTFO of France by midnight (and don't forget your glass slipper on the way out).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Liz, Sam tries to make a deal with Elizabeth: S\u003cem>ave our hip DIY church and god will save your soul! \u003c/em>Elizabeth is like,\u003cem> That's not a thing, but I'll try.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, outside, Drake and Morwenna are doing their looking at each other and away and at each other thing again. This time, it's Geoffrey Charles, and not me, who pops out to basically say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/just-kiss-you-morons-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96611\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/just-kiss-you-morons-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Malfoy comes home gleeful about all the lives he's ruined. Plus, he got a compliment on his robe too! How nice. Elizabeth shares details of Sam's visit, and Malfoy can sense that she's thinking of poor folk as actual humans again. There's only one way to fix that: make it about Ross and wait for her inner monster to appear!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>My dead husband gave them the land. It would be wrong to unlawfully snatch it away from these hipsters for Christ.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sam is Demelza's brother. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>WHAT??? TWO DEGRESS FROM ROSS?? WHOM I HATE FOR NO GOOD REASON????? OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!! Oh, and yeah, totally take away their clubhouse too.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For those of you who leave comments asking why I hate Elizabeth, this is why.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' house, Blondie is like, \u003cem>Ugh, Doc is totally dead. And we only got to have sex twice. \u003c/em>Demelza makes her scrunched-up, worried face again. Chugalug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/amy-schumer-drinking-wine-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/amy-schumer-drinking-wine-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across the Channel, Ross is on a boat heading home. Bone Maraca Pirate is like, \u003cem>Phew! I totally thought I would have to make a new belt maraca with your entire skeleton in it! Glad we're sensible enough to know when to call it quits.\u003c/em> Ross is like, \u003cem>Me? Sensible? Never!!!\u003c/em> He runs to the edge of the ship and jumps. An idea as idiotic as this one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jump-canonball-ice-ouch-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96623\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jump-canonball-ice-ouch-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Days later, Bone Maraca Pirate gives Demelza Ross' hat and tells her what she already knows: her husband is nuts. Demelza makes a scrunched-up, I'm-going-to-murder-him-with-my-own-two-hands face this time. Throw back a shot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/buffy-take-shot-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96640\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/buffy-take-shot-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Elizabeth is still on a tear about how much she hates Ross. We got the memo, girl. You can give it a rest now. Malfoy proposes a plan: Why don't they take baby Valentine and move to a different town? What a splendid idea! Could my dream of never seeing either of these characters again be realized? Was Sam right all along? Praying works?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jennifer-lawrence-praying-thank-god-jesus-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96641\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jennifer-lawrence-praying-thank-god-jesus-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"494\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth pretends to care about leaving Geoffrey Charles behind, before quickly saying, \u003cem>Ah, F it, he'll make do. Let's move today, so I'll never have to see Ross ever again!\u003c/em> This is all very comical, considering that, not only did Ross have nothing to do with the Millennial Christians: UK Chapter, but he's currently hiding in a pile of French hay. Anyway, good riddance!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snow-white-kiss-wave-bye-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96624\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snow-white-kiss-wave-bye-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"454\" height=\"324\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza is telling Drake that marriage is a bunch of BS. \"I promised to love, honor, and obey him. And why should I?\" Uh oh, is Demelza's \u003cem>Lemonade\u003c/em> era upon us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her first step toward creating a diss album about Ross is giving away one of his storehouses to the Millennials for Christ.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sam:\u003c/strong> \"Brother Ross won't like it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No more than I like certain antics of his. What's his is mine.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yass-beyonce.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yass-beyonce.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In France, Ross has managed to leave his pile of hay, thanks to a beanie that renders him invisible. He goes back to the same bar -- dude, maybe pick a different spot? -- and demands a list of prisoner names from his scammer co-conspirator. Alas, the beanie is not actually an invisibility cloak, and Hot Waitress turns him in yet again. \u003cem>You should have couchez'ed avec moi the other soir\u003c/em>, she scolds. Ross takes off his beanie, punches every male in his vicinity in the face, and skedaddles. Run, Forrest, run!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Malfoy gets a letter from some rich dude that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Sup? Could you let my son off the hook for assaulting a servant girl? Who cares, amirite? LOL. Thanks! P.S. Isn't classism fun? See you at court! 😉\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Elizabeth finally relents and goes to see Malfoy ruin lives in his pretty robe. He decides to make an example of the servant girl for \"perjury\" and for daring to stand up for her civil rights. Elizabeth is absolutely shocked by this injustice. I really don't get why she's constantly surprised by Malfoy's evil ways. He literally does at least one terrible thing every 7 minutes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snap-out-of-it-cher-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/snap-out-of-it-cher-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Demelza (with scrunched-up, worried face in full effect; drink!) and Blondie agree that their husbands are most likely dead. But all is not lost! Now ball and chain free, they could hit the road and star in \u003cem>Thelma and Louise: The Prequel\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96631\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1020x740.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"464\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1020x740.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-160x116.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-800x581.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-768x557.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-1180x856.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-960x697.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-240x174.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-375x272.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM-520x377.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-11.01.09-PM.png 1196w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Elizabeth is randomly taking Xanax in liquid form, with a side of booze. It's lucky for her there's little to no heavy machinery invented yet for her to operate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the beach, Drake, Morwenna, and Geoffrey Charles are on yet another throuple date. Just leave him at home! Geez!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the farm, a pregnant Demelza is picking up heavy pieces of wood and cursing Ross in her head... until she hears horse hooves. It's Ross! All is forgiven 'cause his curls have never looked better and his face isn't bad either!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sailor-moon-heart-eyes.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96642\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sailor-moon-heart-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"366\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross managed to snatch a list of British soldiers taken prisoner, and Doc's name is on it! What the list fails to mention is that Doc is rocking a killer beard now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Jesus Lovers \"R\" Us, all the young, hip Christians are making sure their new space adheres to feng shui principles. A random girl shoots Drake a loaded look that says, \u003cem>I kiss before marriage\u003c/em>. Drake sends a look back that says, \u003cem>I'm flattered, but I'm already dating a girl and her eight-year-old companion, sorry!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the yay-you-weren't-decapitated-in-France honeymoon period is over. Ross is chastising Demelza for letting her brothers turn his shed into a home base for their cult. Who gave her permission to do such a thing?! Season 1 Demelza might have allowed this kind of behavior, but Season 3 Demelza is not having it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Other women may bow and scrape and ask permission, as I once did, but no longer.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yas-queen-ilana-broad-city-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96646\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yas-queen-ilana-broad-city-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"376\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then something truly shocking happens. More shocking than Francis being murdered by a random puddle last season. More shocking than Horace the Pug not being in this episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">ROSS\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">ADMITS\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">HE'S\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">WRONG!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Ow0L1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-96636\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/Ow0L1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"606\" height=\"432\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96633\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/danny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mr-bean-tea-cup-drop-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mr-bean-tea-cup-drop-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"435\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bbQ3_f-maxage-0_s-200x150.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bbQ3_f-maxage-0_s-200x150.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this will probably never happen again, Demelza and Ross decide to celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime moment by having dirty sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/\">'Poldark' Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/96590/poldark-season-3-episode-2-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_2905",
"pop_8"
],
"featImg": "pop_96644",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_96255": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_96255",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "96255",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1506932684000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1506932684,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. If you’re too busy or impatient for all of that, here’s the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross Poldark fought in the American Revolutionary War on the British side. As we know, things didn’t really work out. Presumed dead, his ex, Elizabeth, got with his lame cousin because there were apparently no other men around who flaked on the war. Ross returns alive and everyone is supremely inconvenienced by his not-deadness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross proceeds to spend a lot of time hanging out with poor people. He even marries one! His scullery maid, Demelza! And has a baby with her! But don’t get too excited; the baby dies of strep throat or something like that. Demelza and Ross soon make another baby because they're constantly boning, but no one is happy about the new baby because Ross spends an entire season being the worst husband ever and committing adultery at a glacial pace with Elizabeth. Where's Elizabeth's husband/Ross' cousin, you ask? He was murdered by a random puddle (no, seriously).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and there’s a former classmate of Ross’ who is hell-bent on ruining his life and has one of those faces that’s just begging for a knuckle sandwich. Said classmate, whom I unaffectionately call Malfoy, almost gets Ross hanged and sabotages him at every turn because this was before Netflix, so everyone was supremely bored. Ross returns the favor by beating him up a couple of times and almost setting Malfoy's head ablaze in a fireplace. Malfoy gets even by marrying Elizabeth and knocking her up. At least that's what he thinks for now, until some 18th-century version of Maury pops out to proclaim: \u003cem>You're not the father! Ross is!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let’s do this…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We're thrown right into the action. A pregnant Elizabeth can't control her bolting horse and is about to be catapulted off a cliff! So the writers of the show \u003cem>did\u003c/em> get all those letters I sent! But right before I get my wish, Ross saves the day (again).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mary-kate-olsen-eye-roll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96472\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mary-kate-olsen-eye-roll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth is really thankful and wishes him a good day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Psych! That would be the way a normal, gracious, non-bratty person would behave. Elizabeth, being none of these things, instead yells at Ross for abandoning her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Girl, what? Did you forget about Ross giving you all his money so you could continue enjoying high-end caviar snacks, while his own wife and child starved? And speaking of children, did you forget Ross' first child DIED because of your grubby germs? And did you also forget the only reason you and your son are still alive is because Demelza nursed you two back to health and almost died in the process? And how she saved you from that pitchfork mob, despite you sleeping with her husband?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth's answer to all of these prompts:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/justin-bieber-brat-i-dont-recall-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/justin-bieber-brat-i-dont-recall-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before I can even finish thinking \u003cem>Elizabeth is the absolute worst\u003c/em>, someone more despicable trots up. Malfoy is just as ungrateful and threatens Ross. Um, the last time you did that, Ross almost cooked your entire head in a fireplace like a Christmas ham. No one on this show ever learns! But if this particular case of amnesia leads to Malfoy getting pummeled one more time, I'll allow it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Elizabeth, Malfoy admonishes her for being so reckless in her last month of pregnancy. On top of the horse drama, he also caught her walking for three miles and lifting heavy books (*gasp*). Agatha (oh, how I've missed her boozy octogenarian ways!) sends over a you-are-so-messy look. Elizabeth wants to accidentally-but-kinda-on-purpose kill Ross' baby!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yikes-good-luck-with-that-seinfeld-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yikes-good-luck-with-that-seinfeld-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"266\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having heard about Ross saving the day through the grape vine, Elizabeth's son, Geoffrey Charles, makes the moment even more awkward by suggesting they throw a party in Ross' honor. Malfoy shuts that nice idea down with a quickness: \u003cem>Absolutely not! I'm still not finished fighting with Ross over whose penis is bigger! Oh, and we're changing your name from Poldark to my last name 'cause I'm that insecure.\u003c/em> Geoffrey Charles immediately agrees. \"Since you wish it, I will change my name... to Geoffrey Charles \u003cem>Francis\u003c/em> Poldark!\" Agatha, our drunk stand-in, cracks up just as hard as I do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jinkx-monsoon-drag-race-laughing-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jinkx-monsoon-drag-race-laughing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, a hot dude walks up to Demelza's house (and not a moment too soon -- Ross doesn't do it for me anymore after all his monstrous behavior last season). Demelza looks in his direction. \u003cem>Is that babe here to rescue me from a life of being second-best? Mmm, break me off a piece of that! ... Oops, that's my brother!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jennifer-lawrence-oops-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96477\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jennifer-lawrence-oops-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"383\" height=\"490\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They have a brief, joyous reunion, but because this is Demelza's life in which she can never be happy for more than 2.7 seconds before everything goes to crap, her brother, Drake, tells her she has to come back home. Their abusive dad is on his death bed. Demelza says, \"All he ever gave me was bruises.\" Translation: No thanks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, a random girl smells flowers in slow motion, so I guess that means this is a new character we have to start caring about. Her name is Morwenna, a random jumble of letters that this modern-day mom will probably steal for her next baby:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96478\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-1020x717.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"450\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-1020x717.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-160x113.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-800x563.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-768x540.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-1180x830.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-960x675.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-240x169.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-375x264.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-520x366.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015.jpg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna, who turns out to be a cousin of Elizabeth's, is hired by Malfoy to be Geoffrey Charles' governess and make him less of a momma's boy. But we can all surely tell her real purpose is to have an intense Romeo & Juliet romance with Drake, right? Lucky girl (minus the whole double suicide thing).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie is keeping her dying uncle company. That's very sad and all, but HORACE THE PUG IS IN THE HOUSE! FINALLY. Truth be told, he is the driving force behind my continuing these recaps. I mean, just look at him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96483\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-800x451.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-768x433.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-1920x1081.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-1180x665.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-960x541.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-1920x1080.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-960x540.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-1020x553.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"347\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-1020x553.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-160x87.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-800x434.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-768x416.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-1920x1040.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-1180x639.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-960x520.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-240x130.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-375x203.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-520x282.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' mine, he has a surprise visitor. It's Geoffrey Charles. He wants to hang out with his dead dad's side of the family. Ross is like, \u003cem>Cool! Let's go down into the mine where your dad drowned to death!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/winona-weird-faces-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/winona-weird-faces-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"384\" height=\"375\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Drake heads back to his dying father, Demelza wishes aloud that she could be more like Ross (a sociopath) and not have feelings, but she can't help it. She rides off to be by her father's side, despite his being the antichrist. Turns out Demelza's former home is basically a modeling agency for boys. Another hot brother we never knew about called Sam greets her, but becomes less hot when all he wants to talk about is the bible.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Their father's dying wish is for all of them to become Christian missionaries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10201\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38901\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/unsure-wiig-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/unsure-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"406\" height=\"229\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before their dad is about to pass away, Demelza is like, \u003cem>I'd stay, but a. I don't want to, and b. I got more important stuff to do. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That more important stuff turns out to be a super secret wedding between Blondie and Doc, who's on a 24-hour leave from the war. Blondie and Doc embrace and are ready to rip each other's clothes off. They share a look that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/were-gonna-bang-emma-stone-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96484\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/were-gonna-bang-emma-stone-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross interrupts with a nudge that says, \u003cem>Um, hey guys, the priest is literally standing right over there. Get married first.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Elizabeth senses that Ross is thinking about something other than her, so she throws a vase and then herself down a flight of stairs. Unborn Ross Jr. is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/can-i-live-obama-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/can-i-live-obama-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Doc walks into the guest room he's sharing with his new wife and asks if she's nervous. Blondie responds: \"I would be were tonight our first time.\" You go, girlfriend!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before they can get it on, news of Elizabeth's tumble arrives (damn it, Liz, must you ruin every single little thing?!). Doc runs off to try saving the baby Elizabeth really hopes dies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/awkward-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/awkward-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's, Malfoy's uncle says he should have married a \"younger, more robust specimen,\" and advises that \"if it comes to a choice, obviously the child takes priority.\" Agatha and Geoffrey Charles try to remember his exact proportions so they can get the voodoo doll just right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, after a very loud labor, Doc delivers the baby. Elizabeth asks, \"Is it alive?\" Before Doc can answer that, yes, the baby she tried to kill with long walks and heavy books did survive, Elizabeth passes out or dies. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie's uncle apologizes for cock-blocking her and Doc all last season. Blondie is like, \u003cem>No sweat! I lost my virginity to him ages ago! Oh, and check out my wedding ring!\u003c/em> Her uncle dies on the spot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Malfoy Manor, Elizabeth is alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/britney-happy-fake-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96494\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/britney-happy-fake-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc puts the baby in her arms, and Elizabeth looks at it like, \u003cem>Sorry about the staircase, I guess. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Ross hides in a bush, Sean Spicer-style, and watches as Agatha shouts about how the baby should be called Ross and how it's hella cursed. Malfoy has two of his Slytherin cronies pick her chair up and carry her off to her room. The one time I want Ross to bust down the door and intervene, he doesn't. He's really going to let them manhandle a national treasure like that?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96515\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1008\" height=\"671\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone.jpg 1008w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-960x639.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-240x160.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-375x250.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-520x346.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1008px) 100vw, 1008px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross arrives home after being out all night. Demelza doesn't even bother fighting with him about it 'cause what's the point? Instead they have this sad exchange:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"There's something I must tell you, Ross, and I fear you might not like it. I'm with child again. You're not displeased?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I might wish the timing were better.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yes, Ross, the timing isn't great, considering you just had a secret baby with your married ex. Tell your sperm to find some chill.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this is all getting rather heavy and depressing, the show's writers throw us a bone in the form of a shirtless Drake bathing in a stream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1496332367-poldark-trailer.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96495\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1496332367-poldark-trailer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Off the border of France, Doc writes Blondie a letter that goes something like this: \u003cem>Hey, so I'm 98% sure the French are about to blow me to bits, but I don't want you to worry, despite the very worrisome thought I just put in your head. Hope you're having a good day!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the mine, Ross reunites with an old pirate he knew as a kid because that's totally normal. Old Pirate Dude has a hook for a hand and carries his dearly departed hand's bones in a little pouch that he plays like a maraca. The sound reminds him that life is short, so you should live it up while you can. YOLO and what not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yolo-donald-duck-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yolo-donald-duck-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"380\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time sure does fly when you're lying about your baby's father; it's already time for Ross Jr. a.k.a. Valentine's baptism! Verity comes back into town for the event and immediately brings attention to how \"robust\" Valentine is for allegedly being premature. Blondie helps her open that can of worms further: \"He's darker than his father!\" Agatha's burpy response says it all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/914746367263698945\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>News breaks of a 12-hour stormy battle off the shore of France. Both Verity and Blondie's husbands are missing. Doc really jinxed things with that letter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since their father's death, Demelza's cute brothers have moved in with Ross and co. and gotten started on all that converting-the-heathens business. They're also on the hunt for a cool church to attend. What about the one owned by Ross' worst enemy in the entire world? A totally reasonable choice that couldn't possibly cause any conflict.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam and Drake show up for mass and get testy when the priest won't start without Malfoy. What would Jesus do (if he was punk rock)? Loudly sign hymns as a form of protest until he got banned from the church, that's what!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/powerpuff-girls-sing-loud-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96503\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/powerpuff-girls-sing-loud-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Malfoy, Valentine is also getting really loud. Verity comes in to check on him and finds Elizabeth just sitting there, ignoring his cries. Verity points out that Elizabeth always comforted Geoffrey Charles when he was a baby. Elizabeth snaps back: \"All children are different. If you ever have another, you'll realize that.\" Cool thing to say to someone whose husband might be at the bottom of the English Channel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All over Cornwall, Drake and Morwenna run into each other every ten minutes and have cute little moments, but I'm not going to go into detail about any of them 'cause Drake's shirt was on for all of it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sue-me-drag-race-nina-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96505\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sue-me-drag-race-nina-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some rich dude we've never heard of throws a huge party and specifically invites both Ross and Malfoy. Now that Blondie's magistrate uncle is dead, the position needs to be filled. An old guy in a powdered wig offers the gig to Ross, who is as confused as I am. Ross asks, \u003cem>You remember when I almost was sentenced to death for inciting a riot just last season, right? Or all the other times I almost got hanged for various tomfoolery? \u003c/em>Turns out none of that matters when you're white and come from a rich family.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pretends-to-be-shocked-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pretends-to-be-shocked-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"347\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite the opportunity to help the downtrodden from the bench, Ross declines because it would interfere with his busy schedule of stalking Elizabeth and ignoring Demelza. The job goes to Malfoy, who is really jazzed about filling the gallows with the poor to keep them from upsetting the status quo with their pesky pleas for civil rights. Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pretends-to-be-shocked-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pretends-to-be-shocked-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"347\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross and Demelza chat in bed about how they're happy things are about to be peaceful around here, when a frantic knock comes at the door. It's Old Maraca-Playing Pirate Dude! He says Doc is probably being held at some prison in France and Ross needs to go free him. Invading a foreign country in the throes of revolution, freeing a single prisoner, and making it back home alive. Sounds totally doable!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in France, a bunch of Brits are lined up and shot. A rifle is pointed at Doc's face. Please don't shoot! Horace the Pug needs a father figure!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "96255 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=96255",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/10/02/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": false,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 2641,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 89
},
"modified": 1507058398,
"excerpt": "This episode has it all: people are born, people die, and, most importantly, people take off their shirts.",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "This episode has it all: people are born, people die, and, most importantly, people take off their shirts.",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Poldark' Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes",
"datePublished": "2017-10-02T01:24:44-07:00",
"dateModified": "2017-10-03T12:19:58-07:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/96255/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. If you’re too busy or impatient for all of that, here’s the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross Poldark fought in the American Revolutionary War on the British side. As we know, things didn’t really work out. Presumed dead, his ex, Elizabeth, got with his lame cousin because there were apparently no other men around who flaked on the war. Ross returns alive and everyone is supremely inconvenienced by his not-deadness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross proceeds to spend a lot of time hanging out with poor people. He even marries one! His scullery maid, Demelza! And has a baby with her! But don’t get too excited; the baby dies of strep throat or something like that. Demelza and Ross soon make another baby because they're constantly boning, but no one is happy about the new baby because Ross spends an entire season being the worst husband ever and committing adultery at a glacial pace with Elizabeth. Where's Elizabeth's husband/Ross' cousin, you ask? He was murdered by a random puddle (no, seriously).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and there’s a former classmate of Ross’ who is hell-bent on ruining his life and has one of those faces that’s just begging for a knuckle sandwich. Said classmate, whom I unaffectionately call Malfoy, almost gets Ross hanged and sabotages him at every turn because this was before Netflix, so everyone was supremely bored. Ross returns the favor by beating him up a couple of times and almost setting Malfoy's head ablaze in a fireplace. Malfoy gets even by marrying Elizabeth and knocking her up. At least that's what he thinks for now, until some 18th-century version of Maury pops out to proclaim: \u003cem>You're not the father! Ross is!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let’s do this…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We're thrown right into the action. A pregnant Elizabeth can't control her bolting horse and is about to be catapulted off a cliff! So the writers of the show \u003cem>did\u003c/em> get all those letters I sent! But right before I get my wish, Ross saves the day (again).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mary-kate-olsen-eye-roll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96472\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mary-kate-olsen-eye-roll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth is really thankful and wishes him a good day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Psych! That would be the way a normal, gracious, non-bratty person would behave. Elizabeth, being none of these things, instead yells at Ross for abandoning her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Girl, what? Did you forget about Ross giving you all his money so you could continue enjoying high-end caviar snacks, while his own wife and child starved? And speaking of children, did you forget Ross' first child DIED because of your grubby germs? And did you also forget the only reason you and your son are still alive is because Demelza nursed you two back to health and almost died in the process? And how she saved you from that pitchfork mob, despite you sleeping with her husband?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth's answer to all of these prompts:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/justin-bieber-brat-i-dont-recall-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/justin-bieber-brat-i-dont-recall-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before I can even finish thinking \u003cem>Elizabeth is the absolute worst\u003c/em>, someone more despicable trots up. Malfoy is just as ungrateful and threatens Ross. Um, the last time you did that, Ross almost cooked your entire head in a fireplace like a Christmas ham. No one on this show ever learns! But if this particular case of amnesia leads to Malfoy getting pummeled one more time, I'll allow it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Elizabeth, Malfoy admonishes her for being so reckless in her last month of pregnancy. On top of the horse drama, he also caught her walking for three miles and lifting heavy books (*gasp*). Agatha (oh, how I've missed her boozy octogenarian ways!) sends over a you-are-so-messy look. Elizabeth wants to accidentally-but-kinda-on-purpose kill Ross' baby!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yikes-good-luck-with-that-seinfeld-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yikes-good-luck-with-that-seinfeld-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"266\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having heard about Ross saving the day through the grape vine, Elizabeth's son, Geoffrey Charles, makes the moment even more awkward by suggesting they throw a party in Ross' honor. Malfoy shuts that nice idea down with a quickness: \u003cem>Absolutely not! I'm still not finished fighting with Ross over whose penis is bigger! Oh, and we're changing your name from Poldark to my last name 'cause I'm that insecure.\u003c/em> Geoffrey Charles immediately agrees. \"Since you wish it, I will change my name... to Geoffrey Charles \u003cem>Francis\u003c/em> Poldark!\" Agatha, our drunk stand-in, cracks up just as hard as I do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jinkx-monsoon-drag-race-laughing-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jinkx-monsoon-drag-race-laughing-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, a hot dude walks up to Demelza's house (and not a moment too soon -- Ross doesn't do it for me anymore after all his monstrous behavior last season). Demelza looks in his direction. \u003cem>Is that babe here to rescue me from a life of being second-best? Mmm, break me off a piece of that! ... Oops, that's my brother!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jennifer-lawrence-oops-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96477\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/jennifer-lawrence-oops-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"383\" height=\"490\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They have a brief, joyous reunion, but because this is Demelza's life in which she can never be happy for more than 2.7 seconds before everything goes to crap, her brother, Drake, tells her she has to come back home. Their abusive dad is on his death bed. Demelza says, \"All he ever gave me was bruises.\" Translation: No thanks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, a random girl smells flowers in slow motion, so I guess that means this is a new character we have to start caring about. Her name is Morwenna, a random jumble of letters that this modern-day mom will probably steal for her next baby:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96478\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-1020x717.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"450\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-1020x717.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-160x113.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-800x563.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-768x540.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-1180x830.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-960x675.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-240x169.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-375x264.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015-520x366.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/015.jpg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Morwenna, who turns out to be a cousin of Elizabeth's, is hired by Malfoy to be Geoffrey Charles' governess and make him less of a momma's boy. But we can all surely tell her real purpose is to have an intense Romeo & Juliet romance with Drake, right? Lucky girl (minus the whole double suicide thing).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie is keeping her dying uncle company. That's very sad and all, but HORACE THE PUG IS IN THE HOUSE! FINALLY. Truth be told, he is the driving force behind my continuing these recaps. I mean, just look at him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96483\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-800x451.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-768x433.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-1920x1081.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-1180x665.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-960x541.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-1920x1080.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-960x540.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace2-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-1020x553.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"347\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-1020x553.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-160x87.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-800x434.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-768x416.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-1920x1040.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-1180x639.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-960x520.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-240x130.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-375x203.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace3-520x282.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' mine, he has a surprise visitor. It's Geoffrey Charles. He wants to hang out with his dead dad's side of the family. Ross is like, \u003cem>Cool! Let's go down into the mine where your dad drowned to death!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/winona-weird-faces-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/winona-weird-faces-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"384\" height=\"375\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Drake heads back to his dying father, Demelza wishes aloud that she could be more like Ross (a sociopath) and not have feelings, but she can't help it. She rides off to be by her father's side, despite his being the antichrist. Turns out Demelza's former home is basically a modeling agency for boys. Another hot brother we never knew about called Sam greets her, but becomes less hot when all he wants to talk about is the bible.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Their father's dying wish is for all of them to become Christian missionaries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10201\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38901\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Drake's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/unsure-wiig-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/unsure-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"406\" height=\"229\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before their dad is about to pass away, Demelza is like, \u003cem>I'd stay, but a. I don't want to, and b. I got more important stuff to do. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That more important stuff turns out to be a super secret wedding between Blondie and Doc, who's on a 24-hour leave from the war. Blondie and Doc embrace and are ready to rip each other's clothes off. They share a look that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/were-gonna-bang-emma-stone-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96484\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/were-gonna-bang-emma-stone-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross interrupts with a nudge that says, \u003cem>Um, hey guys, the priest is literally standing right over there. Get married first.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Elizabeth senses that Ross is thinking about something other than her, so she throws a vase and then herself down a flight of stairs. Unborn Ross Jr. is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/can-i-live-obama-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/can-i-live-obama-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Doc walks into the guest room he's sharing with his new wife and asks if she's nervous. Blondie responds: \"I would be were tonight our first time.\" You go, girlfriend!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/meryl-j-lo-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before they can get it on, news of Elizabeth's tumble arrives (damn it, Liz, must you ruin every single little thing?!). Doc runs off to try saving the baby Elizabeth really hopes dies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/awkward-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/awkward-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's, Malfoy's uncle says he should have married a \"younger, more robust specimen,\" and advises that \"if it comes to a choice, obviously the child takes priority.\" Agatha and Geoffrey Charles try to remember his exact proportions so they can get the voodoo doll just right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, after a very loud labor, Doc delivers the baby. Elizabeth asks, \"Is it alive?\" Before Doc can answer that, yes, the baby she tried to kill with long walks and heavy books did survive, Elizabeth passes out or dies. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie's uncle apologizes for cock-blocking her and Doc all last season. Blondie is like, \u003cem>No sweat! I lost my virginity to him ages ago! Oh, and check out my wedding ring!\u003c/em> Her uncle dies on the spot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Malfoy Manor, Elizabeth is alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/britney-happy-fake-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96494\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/britney-happy-fake-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc puts the baby in her arms, and Elizabeth looks at it like, \u003cem>Sorry about the staircase, I guess. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Ross hides in a bush, Sean Spicer-style, and watches as Agatha shouts about how the baby should be called Ross and how it's hella cursed. Malfoy has two of his Slytherin cronies pick her chair up and carry her off to her room. The one time I want Ross to bust down the door and intervene, he doesn't. He's really going to let them manhandle a national treasure like that?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96515\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1008\" height=\"671\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone.jpg 1008w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-960x639.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-240x160.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-375x250.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/leave-agatha-alone-520x346.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1008px) 100vw, 1008px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross arrives home after being out all night. Demelza doesn't even bother fighting with him about it 'cause what's the point? Instead they have this sad exchange:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"There's something I must tell you, Ross, and I fear you might not like it. I'm with child again. You're not displeased?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I might wish the timing were better.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yes, Ross, the timing isn't great, considering you just had a secret baby with your married ex. Tell your sperm to find some chill.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this is all getting rather heavy and depressing, the show's writers throw us a bone in the form of a shirtless Drake bathing in a stream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1496332367-poldark-trailer.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96495\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/landscape-1496332367-poldark-trailer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Off the border of France, Doc writes Blondie a letter that goes something like this: \u003cem>Hey, so I'm 98% sure the French are about to blow me to bits, but I don't want you to worry, despite the very worrisome thought I just put in your head. Hope you're having a good day!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the mine, Ross reunites with an old pirate he knew as a kid because that's totally normal. Old Pirate Dude has a hook for a hand and carries his dearly departed hand's bones in a little pouch that he plays like a maraca. The sound reminds him that life is short, so you should live it up while you can. YOLO and what not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yolo-donald-duck-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yolo-donald-duck-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"380\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time sure does fly when you're lying about your baby's father; it's already time for Ross Jr. a.k.a. Valentine's baptism! Verity comes back into town for the event and immediately brings attention to how \"robust\" Valentine is for allegedly being premature. Blondie helps her open that can of worms further: \"He's darker than his father!\" Agatha's burpy response says it all:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "singleTwitterStatus",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"id": "914746367263698945"
},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>News breaks of a 12-hour stormy battle off the shore of France. Both Verity and Blondie's husbands are missing. Doc really jinxed things with that letter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since their father's death, Demelza's cute brothers have moved in with Ross and co. and gotten started on all that converting-the-heathens business. They're also on the hunt for a cool church to attend. What about the one owned by Ross' worst enemy in the entire world? A totally reasonable choice that couldn't possibly cause any conflict.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam and Drake show up for mass and get testy when the priest won't start without Malfoy. What would Jesus do (if he was punk rock)? Loudly sign hymns as a form of protest until he got banned from the church, that's what!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/powerpuff-girls-sing-loud-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96503\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/powerpuff-girls-sing-loud-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Malfoy, Valentine is also getting really loud. Verity comes in to check on him and finds Elizabeth just sitting there, ignoring his cries. Verity points out that Elizabeth always comforted Geoffrey Charles when he was a baby. Elizabeth snaps back: \"All children are different. If you ever have another, you'll realize that.\" Cool thing to say to someone whose husband might be at the bottom of the English Channel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All over Cornwall, Drake and Morwenna run into each other every ten minutes and have cute little moments, but I'm not going to go into detail about any of them 'cause Drake's shirt was on for all of it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sue-me-drag-race-nina-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96505\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sue-me-drag-race-nina-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some rich dude we've never heard of throws a huge party and specifically invites both Ross and Malfoy. Now that Blondie's magistrate uncle is dead, the position needs to be filled. An old guy in a powdered wig offers the gig to Ross, who is as confused as I am. Ross asks, \u003cem>You remember when I almost was sentenced to death for inciting a riot just last season, right? Or all the other times I almost got hanged for various tomfoolery? \u003c/em>Turns out none of that matters when you're white and come from a rich family.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pretends-to-be-shocked-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pretends-to-be-shocked-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"347\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite the opportunity to help the downtrodden from the bench, Ross declines because it would interfere with his busy schedule of stalking Elizabeth and ignoring Demelza. The job goes to Malfoy, who is really jazzed about filling the gallows with the poor to keep them from upsetting the status quo with their pesky pleas for civil rights. Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pretends-to-be-shocked-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/pretends-to-be-shocked-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"347\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross and Demelza chat in bed about how they're happy things are about to be peaceful around here, when a frantic knock comes at the door. It's Old Maraca-Playing Pirate Dude! He says Doc is probably being held at some prison in France and Ross needs to go free him. Invading a foreign country in the throes of revolution, freeing a single prisoner, and making it back home alive. Sounds totally doable!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in France, a bunch of Brits are lined up and shot. A rifle is pointed at Doc's face. Please don't shoot! Horace the Pug needs a father figure!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/27/poldark-season-2-finale-recap-burn-baby-burn/\">‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/96255/poldark-season-3-premiere-recap-same-old-mistakes",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_2905",
"pop_8"
],
"featImg": "pop_96507",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_56546": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_56546",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "56546",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1488765647000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1488765647,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"l9N3FI3K0vd1X18rdMBt45JcTZRvD0tR\"]Our episode begins with Victoria saying, \"Ugh, I'm so bored of this!\" No, she's not talking about every unnecessary servant storyline this season; she's referencing how lame being pregnant is. All she wants is to dress up as a deity and perilously lean back in a wooden chair at the Grammys. Is that too much to ask?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/beyoncechair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67835 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/beyoncechair.gif\" alt=\"beyoncechair\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently so. Everyone in her circle has agreed that she should just stay home, preferably in bed (essentially a death sentence in the age before Netflix). Meanwhile, Albert is enjoying his uterus-free life, reading joke books and running off to bromance some more with Robert Peel. Victoria is not pleased.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/20424108.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67946\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/20424108.gif\" alt=\"20424108\" width=\"355\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar returns to England from Hanover, his \"German postage stamp\" of a county. He's been wishing and hoping and thinking and praying about the Queen dying in childbirth, and will be damned if he doesn't have a front row seat for that and his subsequent coronation.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, the servants are also convinced she's most likely going to die and start talking about looking for new jobs. Geez, everyone needs to:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67693\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax.gif\" alt=\"ramona xanax\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67692\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax-2.gif\" alt=\"ramona xanax 2\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a creepy studio apartment at an undisclosed location, some twerp is plotting an assassination. We know this because he reads his instructions (from Hanover!) aloud. I've never killed a monarch, but I'm pretty sure the first rule in regicide is \u003cem>Don't be a loudmouth about it\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/SAjWtFw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67912\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/SAjWtFw.gif\" alt=\"SAjWtFw\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Victoria is surrounded by baby gifts. She hates all of them. She's also not too jazzed about breast-feeding -- \"I am not a cow!\" -- and instructs her servants to find her the best boobs in the land.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate wing of the palace, Ernst, the Great German Man Whore, returns to break up Victoria's friend's marriage, and also to maintain his brand of spreading around as much syphilis as possible. Victoria's friend resists his advances, until he drops a line about how she deserves a man who notices the way her curls fall on her neck. She promptly changes her tune to \u003cem>A little bit of syphilis never hurt anybody.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/rashida-shrug.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67913\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/rashida-shrug.gif\" alt=\"rashida shrug\" width=\"500\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Governess Dictator opens that day's batch of the Queen's fan mail. For the hundredth week in a row, a stalker named Captain Childers sends a bonkers letter promising to \"free\" the Queen. Governess Dictator decides to continue doing nothing about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the head maid is excited to judge a bunch of village women's breasts: \"I was brought up on a farm. I know how to spot a good milker.\" After an initial Goldilocks struggle -- these are too small, these are too round -- she finds a pair that is just right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the undisclosed location, Twerp Assassin shoots at a scarecrow stand-in for the Queen. That's scary and all, but can we take a moment to appreciate his dress-making abilities? If \u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em> was around in his day, maybe he wouldn't have to channel all his creative energy into assassinating pregnant women.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67914\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-800x467.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-03-04 at 9.46.50 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"467\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-800x467.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-160x93.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-768x448.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1020x596.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-960x561.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-240x140.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-375x219.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-520x304.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM.png 1608w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/frustrated.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67915\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/frustrated.gif\" alt=\"frustrated\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the palace, Victoria insists on going for a joyride around London. Three feet past the gate, Stalker Captain Childers throws violets at the Queen and yells about how much Albert sucks. He is quickly arrested and Victoria decides that leaving the house is overrated. Liz Lemon, this random little girl, and I agree:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/e5cd736cbee52374907a0b86d5b77c32-you-should-say-yes-to-love-and-life.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67859\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/e5cd736cbee52374907a0b86d5b77c32-you-should-say-yes-to-love-and-life.gif\" alt=\"e5cd736cbee52374907a0b86d5b77c32-you-should-say-yes-to-love-and-life\" width=\"500\" height=\"235\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/bab328f8c1d52680ca7c11cef540676d.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67860\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/bab328f8c1d52680ca7c11cef540676d.gif\" alt=\"bab328f8c1d52680ca7c11cef540676d\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for us to pretend to care about what's happening downstairs. Hot Italian Chef has a job offer to set up his own establishment. Having a food truck is cool and all, but isn't cooking for the Queen and every world leader already a pretty good gig?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He doesn't seem to think so. He wants to take the opportunity, but only if Babyface Maid comes with him. This romantic overture is met with a whole lotta meh from her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/lc-meh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/lc-meh.gif\" alt=\"lc meh\" width=\"480\" height=\"274\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a short investigation, the authorities decide Captain Childers is not a real threat. Victoria is like,\u003cem> Sweet! Time for another joyride! What could possibly go wrong?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/05/you-in-danger-gurl.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/05/you-in-danger-gurl.gif\" alt=\"you-in-danger-gurl\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure enough, three feet from the gate, Twerp Assassin rushes up and shoots at Victoria, who thinks \u003cem>Damn it! I should have listened to Liz Lemon, that chips-loving little girl, and that guy who writes snarky recaps about my show.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Who Cares? Land, Babyface Maid pays her frenemy a visit to ask for advice. \u003cem>To be or not to be married to a really hot, sweet, and sensitive Italian dude, who will most likely bake treats and bring them to her in bed after sex until she dies of old age\u003c/em>. Hmm, that's a tough one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite the fact that Hot Italian Chef saved her and her baby from dying of fever and even found them a new apartment without the help of Craigslist, Random Insufferable Baby Mama Who Really Didn't Need to Be in This Show advises Babyface Maid not to trust him and to break his heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/tumblr_ny4jt8z3fz1ql5yr7o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/tumblr_ny4jt8z3fz1ql5yr7o1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_ny4jt8z3fz1ql5yr7o1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Uncle Scar turns up to pretend to care about Victoria's well-being. He brags about the size of the crowds along his commute that showed up to cheer him on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"sure jan gif\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He then brings up how Victoria is most likely going to die in childbirth to her face. That's pretty egregious, but what's more barbaric to Victoria is that he gave her teaspoons as a wedding gift. As punishment for this crime against humanity, she abruptly ends their awkward hangout by loudly saying \"GOODBYE!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, the authorities reveal that Twerp Assassin apparently didn't shoot real bullets and wrote those Hanover letters to himself. Wow. He really sucks at life. He is to be acquitted for being really bad at assassinating, and also for being criminally insane.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>STOP EVERYTHING. DASH IS BACK! BEHOLD HIS ROYAL CUTENESS:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67917\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-800x461.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-03-04 at 9.58.11 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"461\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-800x461.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-160x92.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-768x443.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-1020x588.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-1180x680.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-960x553.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-240x138.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-375x216.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-520x300.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM.png 1626w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I would like this show 900% more if all the characters were played by dogs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, heaven is not a place on Earth, so let's return to the humans...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef finds Babyface Maid to find out if she wants to run away with him and start a cute, cozy life together. It goes down a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/7d06ef29-5e32-44c7-85d8-f3cf0ddc66e0.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67919\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/7d06ef29-5e32-44c7-85d8-f3cf0ddc66e0.gif\" alt=\"7d06ef29-5e32-44c7-85d8-f3cf0ddc66e0\" width=\"500\" height=\"213\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/003b501cf1366d7ff3e24be4c06f5f35.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67918\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/003b501cf1366d7ff3e24be4c06f5f35.gif\" alt=\"003b501cf1366d7ff3e24be4c06f5f35\" width=\"500\" height=\"239\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And after he made her all that chocolate and saved her bitter frenemy's life? So wack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In an upstairs bedroom, Ernst shows up in Victoria's married friend's bedroom. Ooo la la! The first thing he says is, \"Thank you for letting me come.\" Interpret that line however you wish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/know.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67927\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/know.gif\" alt=\"know\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He follows this up with another line you can read into, if you want: \"Will you do what I ask?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/732978471.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20013\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/732978471.gif\" alt=\"oprah mmhm gif\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out he just wants a lock of her hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ashley-wagner-BS1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67928\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ashley-wagner-BS1.gif\" alt=\"ashley-wagner-BS1\" width=\"302\" height=\"198\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's quarters, Victoria has a brief freak-out over Twerp Assassin's acquittal, but quickly gets over it by going on another joyride because YOLO.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid has a change of heart! She runs up to the chef to profess her love! He turns around!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's his replacement. He's gone forever. Goof of the century.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria goes into labor. Old dudes congregate outside her bedroom door, waiting for her to die. Being stubborn, Victoria refuses to bleed out and gives birth to a healthy baby girl instead. Victoria skips the whole \u003cem>Yay! I didn't die!\u003c/em> part and goes straight to worrying about whether Albert is mad at her or not: \"Do you mind that she's a girl? We'll have a boy next time.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll.gif\" alt=\"Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/y38Hf.gif\" alt=\"y38Hf\" width=\"340\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67933\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/bqZpW.gif\" alt=\"bqZpW\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/olsen-twin-eye-roll.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67931\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/olsen-twin-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"olsen twin eye roll\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/eye-roll-black-hair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67932\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/eye-roll-black-hair.gif\" alt=\"eye roll black hair\" width=\"500\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And on that frustrating, misogynistic note, the camera pans away from their bed and season one comes to an end.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/thats-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67935\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/thats-it.gif\" alt=\"thats-it\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/outtahere.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67947\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/outtahere.gif\" alt=\"outtahere\" width=\"500\" height=\"234\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. You can keep up with my other work \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">all over \u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">KQED Pop\u003c/a> and on \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/category/the-cooler/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>The Cooler \u003c/em>podcast\u003c/a>. And if Twitter is your thing, \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">follow me\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "56546 http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=56546",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/03/05/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": false,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 1556,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 86
},
"modified": 1551664165,
"excerpt": "An assassin, pre-partum depression, and general boredom all try to kill Victoria.",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "An assassin, pre-partum depression, and general boredom all try to kill Victoria.",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues",
"datePublished": "2017-03-05T18:00:47-08:00",
"dateModified": "2019-03-03T17:49:25-08:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>Our episode begins with Victoria saying, \"Ugh, I'm so bored of this!\" No, she's not talking about every unnecessary servant storyline this season; she's referencing how lame being pregnant is. All she wants is to dress up as a deity and perilously lean back in a wooden chair at the Grammys. Is that too much to ask?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/beyoncechair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67835 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/beyoncechair.gif\" alt=\"beyoncechair\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently so. Everyone in her circle has agreed that she should just stay home, preferably in bed (essentially a death sentence in the age before Netflix). Meanwhile, Albert is enjoying his uterus-free life, reading joke books and running off to bromance some more with Robert Peel. Victoria is not pleased.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/20424108.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67946\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/20424108.gif\" alt=\"20424108\" width=\"355\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar returns to England from Hanover, his \"German postage stamp\" of a county. He's been wishing and hoping and thinking and praying about the Queen dying in childbirth, and will be damned if he doesn't have a front row seat for that and his subsequent coronation.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, the servants are also convinced she's most likely going to die and start talking about looking for new jobs. Geez, everyone needs to:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67693\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax.gif\" alt=\"ramona xanax\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67692\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax-2.gif\" alt=\"ramona xanax 2\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a creepy studio apartment at an undisclosed location, some twerp is plotting an assassination. We know this because he reads his instructions (from Hanover!) aloud. I've never killed a monarch, but I'm pretty sure the first rule in regicide is \u003cem>Don't be a loudmouth about it\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/SAjWtFw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67912\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/SAjWtFw.gif\" alt=\"SAjWtFw\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Victoria is surrounded by baby gifts. She hates all of them. She's also not too jazzed about breast-feeding -- \"I am not a cow!\" -- and instructs her servants to find her the best boobs in the land.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate wing of the palace, Ernst, the Great German Man Whore, returns to break up Victoria's friend's marriage, and also to maintain his brand of spreading around as much syphilis as possible. Victoria's friend resists his advances, until he drops a line about how she deserves a man who notices the way her curls fall on her neck. She promptly changes her tune to \u003cem>A little bit of syphilis never hurt anybody.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/rashida-shrug.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67913\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/rashida-shrug.gif\" alt=\"rashida shrug\" width=\"500\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Governess Dictator opens that day's batch of the Queen's fan mail. For the hundredth week in a row, a stalker named Captain Childers sends a bonkers letter promising to \"free\" the Queen. Governess Dictator decides to continue doing nothing about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the head maid is excited to judge a bunch of village women's breasts: \"I was brought up on a farm. I know how to spot a good milker.\" After an initial Goldilocks struggle -- these are too small, these are too round -- she finds a pair that is just right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the undisclosed location, Twerp Assassin shoots at a scarecrow stand-in for the Queen. That's scary and all, but can we take a moment to appreciate his dress-making abilities? If \u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em> was around in his day, maybe he wouldn't have to channel all his creative energy into assassinating pregnant women.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67914\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-800x467.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-03-04 at 9.46.50 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"467\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-800x467.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-160x93.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-768x448.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1020x596.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-960x561.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-240x140.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-375x219.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-520x304.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM.png 1608w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/frustrated.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67915\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/frustrated.gif\" alt=\"frustrated\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the palace, Victoria insists on going for a joyride around London. Three feet past the gate, Stalker Captain Childers throws violets at the Queen and yells about how much Albert sucks. He is quickly arrested and Victoria decides that leaving the house is overrated. Liz Lemon, this random little girl, and I agree:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/e5cd736cbee52374907a0b86d5b77c32-you-should-say-yes-to-love-and-life.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67859\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/e5cd736cbee52374907a0b86d5b77c32-you-should-say-yes-to-love-and-life.gif\" alt=\"e5cd736cbee52374907a0b86d5b77c32-you-should-say-yes-to-love-and-life\" width=\"500\" height=\"235\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/bab328f8c1d52680ca7c11cef540676d.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67860\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/bab328f8c1d52680ca7c11cef540676d.gif\" alt=\"bab328f8c1d52680ca7c11cef540676d\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for us to pretend to care about what's happening downstairs. Hot Italian Chef has a job offer to set up his own establishment. Having a food truck is cool and all, but isn't cooking for the Queen and every world leader already a pretty good gig?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He doesn't seem to think so. He wants to take the opportunity, but only if Babyface Maid comes with him. This romantic overture is met with a whole lotta meh from her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/lc-meh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/lc-meh.gif\" alt=\"lc meh\" width=\"480\" height=\"274\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a short investigation, the authorities decide Captain Childers is not a real threat. Victoria is like,\u003cem> Sweet! Time for another joyride! What could possibly go wrong?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/05/you-in-danger-gurl.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12044\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/05/you-in-danger-gurl.gif\" alt=\"you-in-danger-gurl\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure enough, three feet from the gate, Twerp Assassin rushes up and shoots at Victoria, who thinks \u003cem>Damn it! I should have listened to Liz Lemon, that chips-loving little girl, and that guy who writes snarky recaps about my show.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Who Cares? Land, Babyface Maid pays her frenemy a visit to ask for advice. \u003cem>To be or not to be married to a really hot, sweet, and sensitive Italian dude, who will most likely bake treats and bring them to her in bed after sex until she dies of old age\u003c/em>. Hmm, that's a tough one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite the fact that Hot Italian Chef saved her and her baby from dying of fever and even found them a new apartment without the help of Craigslist, Random Insufferable Baby Mama Who Really Didn't Need to Be in This Show advises Babyface Maid not to trust him and to break his heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/tumblr_ny4jt8z3fz1ql5yr7o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/tumblr_ny4jt8z3fz1ql5yr7o1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_ny4jt8z3fz1ql5yr7o1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Uncle Scar turns up to pretend to care about Victoria's well-being. He brags about the size of the crowds along his commute that showed up to cheer him on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"sure jan gif\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He then brings up how Victoria is most likely going to die in childbirth to her face. That's pretty egregious, but what's more barbaric to Victoria is that he gave her teaspoons as a wedding gift. As punishment for this crime against humanity, she abruptly ends their awkward hangout by loudly saying \"GOODBYE!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, the authorities reveal that Twerp Assassin apparently didn't shoot real bullets and wrote those Hanover letters to himself. Wow. He really sucks at life. He is to be acquitted for being really bad at assassinating, and also for being criminally insane.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>STOP EVERYTHING. DASH IS BACK! BEHOLD HIS ROYAL CUTENESS:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67917\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-800x461.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-03-04 at 9.58.11 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"461\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-800x461.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-160x92.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-768x443.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-1020x588.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-1180x680.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-960x553.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-240x138.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-375x216.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM-520x300.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.58.11-PM.png 1626w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I would like this show 900% more if all the characters were played by dogs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, heaven is not a place on Earth, so let's return to the humans...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef finds Babyface Maid to find out if she wants to run away with him and start a cute, cozy life together. It goes down a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/7d06ef29-5e32-44c7-85d8-f3cf0ddc66e0.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67919\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/7d06ef29-5e32-44c7-85d8-f3cf0ddc66e0.gif\" alt=\"7d06ef29-5e32-44c7-85d8-f3cf0ddc66e0\" width=\"500\" height=\"213\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/003b501cf1366d7ff3e24be4c06f5f35.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67918\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/003b501cf1366d7ff3e24be4c06f5f35.gif\" alt=\"003b501cf1366d7ff3e24be4c06f5f35\" width=\"500\" height=\"239\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And after he made her all that chocolate and saved her bitter frenemy's life? So wack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In an upstairs bedroom, Ernst shows up in Victoria's married friend's bedroom. Ooo la la! The first thing he says is, \"Thank you for letting me come.\" Interpret that line however you wish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/know.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67927\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/know.gif\" alt=\"know\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He follows this up with another line you can read into, if you want: \"Will you do what I ask?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/732978471.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20013\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/732978471.gif\" alt=\"oprah mmhm gif\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out he just wants a lock of her hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ashley-wagner-BS1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67928\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ashley-wagner-BS1.gif\" alt=\"ashley-wagner-BS1\" width=\"302\" height=\"198\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's quarters, Victoria has a brief freak-out over Twerp Assassin's acquittal, but quickly gets over it by going on another joyride because YOLO.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid has a change of heart! She runs up to the chef to profess her love! He turns around!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's his replacement. He's gone forever. Goof of the century.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria goes into labor. Old dudes congregate outside her bedroom door, waiting for her to die. Being stubborn, Victoria refuses to bleed out and gives birth to a healthy baby girl instead. Victoria skips the whole \u003cem>Yay! I didn't die!\u003c/em> part and goes straight to worrying about whether Albert is mad at her or not: \"Do you mind that she's a girl? We'll have a boy next time.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll.gif\" alt=\"Liz-Lemon-Eye-Roll\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/y38Hf.gif\" alt=\"y38Hf\" width=\"340\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67933\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/bqZpW.gif\" alt=\"bqZpW\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/olsen-twin-eye-roll.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67931\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/olsen-twin-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"olsen twin eye roll\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/eye-roll-black-hair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-67932\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/eye-roll-black-hair.gif\" alt=\"eye roll black hair\" width=\"500\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And on that frustrating, misogynistic note, the camera pans away from their bed and season one comes to an end.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/thats-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67935\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/thats-it.gif\" alt=\"thats-it\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/outtahere.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-67947\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/outtahere.gif\" alt=\"outtahere\" width=\"500\" height=\"234\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. You can keep up with my other work \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">all over \u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">KQED Pop\u003c/a> and on \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/category/the-cooler/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>The Cooler \u003c/em>podcast\u003c/a>. And if Twitter is your thing, \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">follow me\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_8",
"pop_2931"
],
"featImg": "pop_67936",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_56544": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_56544",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "56544",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1487563651000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1487563651,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>Our episode begins with Victoria and Albert pretending to care about a classical music concert. The Queen seductively rubs her pinky finger against the Prince's pinky finger. This British mating call translates to \u003cem>I can't wait to tongue wrestle you like crazy. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out of nowhere, Victoria pukes a little in her mouth. So much for the effectiveness of those Plan B Jumping Jacks! Victoria runs from the room, screaming \"I am bilious!\" (I'm totally adopting this line as my hangover catchphrase.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the concert room, Sir Robert Peel and his a-hole friends are talking smack about Victoria. One of them says, \"Women are queer cattle\" because general misogyny is always on trend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-12-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65064\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-12-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (12)\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-11-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65065\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-11-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (11)\" width=\"475\" height=\"298\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-10-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65066\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-10-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (10)\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria is in bed, trying her best not to projectile vomit into Albert's face, à la Regan from \u003cem>The Exorcist\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/PZoI0k.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65090\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/PZoI0k.gif\" alt=\"PZoI0k\" width=\"720\" height=\"405\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But he makes it very hard not to by picking a fight over manufacturing, of all things. Victoria takes the words right out of my mouth: \"You say 'manufacturing' and my soul shrivels with boredom.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Mine does not,\" Albert retorts, before diving into an\u003cem> Ugh, I can't believe you don't love trains!\u003c/em> rant. He decides her having an opinion different from his means she's sick, so he calls for a doctor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This week in servant B-plots no one cares about: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid indulge in a sensual chocolate taste test. The other servants look on with envy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/choco-cake-matilda.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/choco-cake-matilda.gif\" alt=\"choco-cake-matilda\" width=\"400\" height=\"289\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Victoria shares the least-shocking news of the century: she's pregnant! But she's not exactly jazzed about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad.jpg\" alt=\"vic-sad\" width=\"1621\" height=\"943\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad.jpg 1621w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-800x465.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-768x447.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-1020x593.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-1180x686.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-960x558.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-375x218.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-520x303.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1621px) 100vw, 1621px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria's mom is forcing her to drink brandy mixed with cream. Incest and now fetal alcohol syndrome? Good luck forming all your fingers and toes, little cluster of cells!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alfred swoops in to say he believes this binge-drinking-while-pregnant thing is:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/6361313778349167581006687212_giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/6361313778349167581006687212_giphy.gif\" alt=\"6361313778349167581006687212_giphy\" width=\"480\" height=\"287\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom reassures her that she knows best: \"Listen to me. Your nurse is a virgin. Your husband is a man. Your doctor is a fool.\" I don't agree with her point of view, but the hilarious way she expresses her opinion has me like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/yaar.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/yaar.gif\" alt=\"yaar\" width=\"298\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before I can get comfortable liking Victoria's mom, she declares that Victoria should give up working from home, and that women should let their husbands do everything, especially the thinking. She obviously did not get the Fifth Harmony memo that women can indeed work from home:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/raw-5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65105\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/raw-5.gif\" alt=\"raw (5)\" width=\"498\" height=\"249\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria's reasons for not wanting to be pregnant come to the fore:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Childbirth hurts.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>She just started having fun, sexy times.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\"You are going to look at my body and be revolted!\"\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>This is where I expect Albert to say something blunt and unhelpful. But he surprises with this poetic, panty-dropping line: \"My desire for you will never fail. A love like ours can burn down a city.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/wzYKz.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/wzYKz.gif\" alt=\"wzYKz\" width=\"188\" height=\"174\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65110\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\" alt=\"7383897\" width=\"275\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Fans-self-gif-glee_fans_self_fansself_fanself.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65111\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Fans-self-gif-glee_fans_self_fansself_fanself.gif\" alt=\"Fans-self-gif-glee_fans_self_fansself_fanself\" width=\"500\" height=\"232\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/20_zpsvhtcoj2w.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/20_zpsvhtcoj2w.gif\" alt=\"20_zpsvhtcoj2w\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that the Queen is pregnant, a bunch of evil Parliament dudes are drooling over the idea of her dying in childbirth. They force her to pick someone to rule in the event of her death. She picks Albert and they lose their minds. \u003cem>He's German! He's soooo emo! He seems like he has too many teeth in his mouth!\u003c/em> (Okay, those last two complaints are mine, but you get the gist.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert decide to take a road trip up north to convince some rich country bumpkins from the opposition party to chill on the hate and let Albert be Victoria's second-in-command. On the carriage ride, Albert gives a sermon on how cool trains are. This makes Victoria want to puke.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65483\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke.jpg\" alt=\"pppuke\" width=\"1614\" height=\"940\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke.jpg 1614w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-800x466.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-768x447.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-1020x594.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-1180x687.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-960x559.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-375x218.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-520x303.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1614px) 100vw, 1614px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke.jpg\" alt=\"prepuke\" width=\"1591\" height=\"941\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke.jpg 1591w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-160x95.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-800x473.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-768x454.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-1020x603.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-1180x698.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-960x568.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-240x142.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-375x222.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-520x308.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1591px) 100vw, 1591px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke.jpg\" alt=\"puke\" width=\"1603\" height=\"941\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke.jpg 1603w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-160x94.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-800x470.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-768x451.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-1020x599.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-1180x693.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-960x564.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-240x141.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-375x220.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-520x305.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1603px) 100vw, 1603px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few hours later, Victoria and Albert are dining with their hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Conservative Hater, who list the approved activities for the next day: for the men, hunting; for the women, sitting down and being quiet. Albert announces he would rather visit local factories. Mrs. Conservative Hater can't hide her \u003cem>Ewwww, But Poor People Work There\u003c/em> face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65474\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM.jpg\" alt=\"Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM\" width=\"1508\" height=\"830\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM.jpg 1508w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-520x286.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1508px) 100vw, 1508px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert scandalizes his hosts even more by talking about how rad it'll be when trains dismantle class divides by allowing poor people to travel for better wages. Mr. Conservative Hater is like, \u003cem>You're bad at reading rooms, huh? Class division = England's brand. You would know that if you were from here, which you're not because you're a stupid German.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir Robert Peel, the leader of Parliament's conservative wing, feels bad for Albert and offers to show him a train he has on his property. Albert begs Victoria, \u003cem>Mommy, can I go play at Robbie's house, pretty please, I'll never ask for anything again, I promise, pleaaaase, Mom!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">Victoria's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65430\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert goes to bed grumpy and sneaks out before Victoria wakes. He and Robert Peel spend the entire next day cementing their bromance by putting their faces directly into pollution.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg\" alt=\"Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM\" width=\"1207\" height=\"669\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg 1207w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-800x443.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1020x565.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-240x133.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-375x208.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-520x288.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1207px) 100vw, 1207px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM.jpg\" alt=\"Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM\" width=\"1196\" height=\"675\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM.jpg 1196w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-800x452.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-768x433.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-1020x576.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-1180x666.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-960x542.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-375x212.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1196px) 100vw, 1196px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All train-blissed out, Albert returns home covered in soot. Victoria is piiiiiiiiiiiissed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/9uqqVy5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65431\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/9uqqVy5.gif\" alt=\"9uqqVy5\" width=\"245\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Look at you! You look like a peasant!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I'm not the one eating beetroot.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"What? What is wrong with beetroot?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"It's peasant food!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/beets-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65432\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/beets-gif.gif\" alt=\"beets-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria decides to see what all the fuss is about. She sneaks off and hitches a ride on Robert Peel's train. She is instantly obsessed and memorializes her locomotive feelings in a poem:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Get your next of kin, your sister, and your friend\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>Ride on that, choo choo, ride on that, choo choo\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem> Come on, ride the train, hey, ride it, woo woo\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem> Come on, ride the train, it's the Choo Choo train\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>155 years later, the Quad City DJ's set her poetry to music, creating this iconic '90s jam:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-DpRcxK_N8\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Robert Peel tells the conservatives in Parliament that his BFF Albert is not that bad and shall not be denied the position of Regent. Everyone \u003ca href=\"https://media.giphy.com/media/xYLRCmVZNAbCg/giphy.gif\">Kanye-shrugs\u003c/a>. Cool, glad we spent an entire episode on an issue no one actually cared about.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back home, Victoria gets back to:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-26.gif\" alt=\"giphy (26)\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert knows better than to ask to help. But the train ride has transformed Victoria. For the first time, she lets him do more than stamping. Sure, she can slay on her own, but a fun collaboration never hurt anyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/drake-and-riri.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65469\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/drake-and-riri.gif\" alt=\"drake-and-riri\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-27.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65471\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-27.gif\" alt=\"giphy (27)\" width=\"500\" height=\"288\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's Mom. \u003c/strong>Forcing a pregnant woman to binge drink is bad, but mixing delicious booze with milk is unforgivable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Dash. \u003c/strong>Victoria's pup isn't even in this episode, but I like him more than most of these people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Despite a life of servitude, she spends all day flirting with a hot Italian and eating chocolate. Get it, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Beetroot. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>One century's peasant food is another's expensive appetizer sprinkled with feta crumbles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Albert. \u003c/strong>He never struck me as having any game, but then he comes out with that \"A love like ours can burn down a city\" line. Touché!\u003cem> \u003c/em>Gretchen taught him well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "56544 http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=56544",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": true,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 1470,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 89
},
"modified": 1551664300,
"excerpt": "Major questions this week include: Is drinking booze while pregnant a good idea? Are beets peasant food? Are trains cool? ",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "Major questions this week include: Is drinking booze while pregnant a good idea? Are beets peasant food? Are trains cool? ",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train",
"datePublished": "2017-02-19T20:07:31-08:00",
"dateModified": "2019-03-03T17:51:40-08:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/56544/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Our episode begins with Victoria and Albert pretending to care about a classical music concert. The Queen seductively rubs her pinky finger against the Prince's pinky finger. This British mating call translates to \u003cem>I can't wait to tongue wrestle you like crazy. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out of nowhere, Victoria pukes a little in her mouth. So much for the effectiveness of those Plan B Jumping Jacks! Victoria runs from the room, screaming \"I am bilious!\" (I'm totally adopting this line as my hangover catchphrase.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the concert room, Sir Robert Peel and his a-hole friends are talking smack about Victoria. One of them says, \"Women are queer cattle\" because general misogyny is always on trend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-12-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65064\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-12-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (12)\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-11-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65065\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-11-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (11)\" width=\"475\" height=\"298\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-10-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65066\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-10-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (10)\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria is in bed, trying her best not to projectile vomit into Albert's face, à la Regan from \u003cem>The Exorcist\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/PZoI0k.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65090\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/PZoI0k.gif\" alt=\"PZoI0k\" width=\"720\" height=\"405\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But he makes it very hard not to by picking a fight over manufacturing, of all things. Victoria takes the words right out of my mouth: \"You say 'manufacturing' and my soul shrivels with boredom.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Mine does not,\" Albert retorts, before diving into an\u003cem> Ugh, I can't believe you don't love trains!\u003c/em> rant. He decides her having an opinion different from his means she's sick, so he calls for a doctor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This week in servant B-plots no one cares about: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid indulge in a sensual chocolate taste test. The other servants look on with envy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/choco-cake-matilda.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/choco-cake-matilda.gif\" alt=\"choco-cake-matilda\" width=\"400\" height=\"289\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Victoria shares the least-shocking news of the century: she's pregnant! But she's not exactly jazzed about it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad.jpg\" alt=\"vic-sad\" width=\"1621\" height=\"943\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad.jpg 1621w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-800x465.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-768x447.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-1020x593.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-1180x686.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-960x558.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-375x218.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/vic-sad-520x303.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1621px) 100vw, 1621px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria's mom is forcing her to drink brandy mixed with cream. Incest and now fetal alcohol syndrome? Good luck forming all your fingers and toes, little cluster of cells!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alfred swoops in to say he believes this binge-drinking-while-pregnant thing is:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/6361313778349167581006687212_giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/6361313778349167581006687212_giphy.gif\" alt=\"6361313778349167581006687212_giphy\" width=\"480\" height=\"287\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom reassures her that she knows best: \"Listen to me. Your nurse is a virgin. Your husband is a man. Your doctor is a fool.\" I don't agree with her point of view, but the hilarious way she expresses her opinion has me like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/yaar.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/yaar.gif\" alt=\"yaar\" width=\"298\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before I can get comfortable liking Victoria's mom, she declares that Victoria should give up working from home, and that women should let their husbands do everything, especially the thinking. She obviously did not get the Fifth Harmony memo that women can indeed work from home:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/raw-5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65105\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/raw-5.gif\" alt=\"raw (5)\" width=\"498\" height=\"249\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria's reasons for not wanting to be pregnant come to the fore:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Childbirth hurts.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>She just started having fun, sexy times.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\"You are going to look at my body and be revolted!\"\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>This is where I expect Albert to say something blunt and unhelpful. But he surprises with this poetic, panty-dropping line: \"My desire for you will never fail. A love like ours can burn down a city.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/wzYKz.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/wzYKz.gif\" alt=\"wzYKz\" width=\"188\" height=\"174\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65110\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\" alt=\"7383897\" width=\"275\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Fans-self-gif-glee_fans_self_fansself_fanself.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65111\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Fans-self-gif-glee_fans_self_fansself_fanself.gif\" alt=\"Fans-self-gif-glee_fans_self_fansself_fanself\" width=\"500\" height=\"232\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/20_zpsvhtcoj2w.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/20_zpsvhtcoj2w.gif\" alt=\"20_zpsvhtcoj2w\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that the Queen is pregnant, a bunch of evil Parliament dudes are drooling over the idea of her dying in childbirth. They force her to pick someone to rule in the event of her death. She picks Albert and they lose their minds. \u003cem>He's German! He's soooo emo! He seems like he has too many teeth in his mouth!\u003c/em> (Okay, those last two complaints are mine, but you get the gist.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert decide to take a road trip up north to convince some rich country bumpkins from the opposition party to chill on the hate and let Albert be Victoria's second-in-command. On the carriage ride, Albert gives a sermon on how cool trains are. This makes Victoria want to puke.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65483\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke.jpg\" alt=\"pppuke\" width=\"1614\" height=\"940\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke.jpg 1614w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-800x466.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-768x447.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-1020x594.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-1180x687.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-960x559.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-375x218.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/pppuke-520x303.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1614px) 100vw, 1614px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke.jpg\" alt=\"prepuke\" width=\"1591\" height=\"941\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke.jpg 1591w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-160x95.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-800x473.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-768x454.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-1020x603.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-1180x698.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-960x568.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-240x142.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-375x222.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/prepuke-520x308.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1591px) 100vw, 1591px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke.jpg\" alt=\"puke\" width=\"1603\" height=\"941\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke.jpg 1603w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-160x94.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-800x470.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-768x451.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-1020x599.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-1180x693.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-960x564.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-240x141.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-375x220.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/puke-520x305.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1603px) 100vw, 1603px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few hours later, Victoria and Albert are dining with their hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Conservative Hater, who list the approved activities for the next day: for the men, hunting; for the women, sitting down and being quiet. Albert announces he would rather visit local factories. Mrs. Conservative Hater can't hide her \u003cem>Ewwww, But Poor People Work There\u003c/em> face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65474\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM.jpg\" alt=\"Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM\" width=\"1508\" height=\"830\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM.jpg 1508w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-17-at-12.27.00-AM-520x286.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1508px) 100vw, 1508px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert scandalizes his hosts even more by talking about how rad it'll be when trains dismantle class divides by allowing poor people to travel for better wages. Mr. Conservative Hater is like, \u003cem>You're bad at reading rooms, huh? Class division = England's brand. You would know that if you were from here, which you're not because you're a stupid German.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir Robert Peel, the leader of Parliament's conservative wing, feels bad for Albert and offers to show him a train he has on his property. Albert begs Victoria, \u003cem>Mommy, can I go play at Robbie's house, pretty please, I'll never ask for anything again, I promise, pleaaaase, Mom!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">Victoria's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65430\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert goes to bed grumpy and sneaks out before Victoria wakes. He and Robert Peel spend the entire next day cementing their bromance by putting their faces directly into pollution.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65475\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg\" alt=\"Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM\" width=\"1207\" height=\"669\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM.jpg 1207w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-800x443.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1020x565.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-240x133.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-375x208.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.47.31-PM-520x288.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1207px) 100vw, 1207px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM.jpg\" alt=\"Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM\" width=\"1196\" height=\"675\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM.jpg 1196w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-800x452.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-768x433.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-1020x576.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-1180x666.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-960x542.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-375x212.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-19-at-1.48.31-PM-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1196px) 100vw, 1196px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All train-blissed out, Albert returns home covered in soot. Victoria is piiiiiiiiiiiissed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/9uqqVy5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65431\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/9uqqVy5.gif\" alt=\"9uqqVy5\" width=\"245\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Look at you! You look like a peasant!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I'm not the one eating beetroot.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"What? What is wrong with beetroot?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"It's peasant food!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/beets-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65432\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/beets-gif.gif\" alt=\"beets-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria decides to see what all the fuss is about. She sneaks off and hitches a ride on Robert Peel's train. She is instantly obsessed and memorializes her locomotive feelings in a poem:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Get your next of kin, your sister, and your friend\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>Ride on that, choo choo, ride on that, choo choo\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem> Come on, ride the train, hey, ride it, woo woo\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem> Come on, ride the train, it's the Choo Choo train\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>155 years later, the Quad City DJ's set her poetry to music, creating this iconic '90s jam:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/B-DpRcxK_N8'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/B-DpRcxK_N8'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>The next day, Robert Peel tells the conservatives in Parliament that his BFF Albert is not that bad and shall not be denied the position of Regent. Everyone \u003ca href=\"https://media.giphy.com/media/xYLRCmVZNAbCg/giphy.gif\">Kanye-shrugs\u003c/a>. Cool, glad we spent an entire episode on an issue no one actually cared about.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back home, Victoria gets back to:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-26.gif\" alt=\"giphy (26)\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert knows better than to ask to help. But the train ride has transformed Victoria. For the first time, she lets him do more than stamping. Sure, she can slay on her own, but a fun collaboration never hurt anyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/drake-and-riri.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65469\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/drake-and-riri.gif\" alt=\"drake-and-riri\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-27.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-65471\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-27.gif\" alt=\"giphy (27)\" width=\"500\" height=\"288\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's Mom. \u003c/strong>Forcing a pregnant woman to binge drink is bad, but mixing delicious booze with milk is unforgivable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Dash. \u003c/strong>Victoria's pup isn't even in this episode, but I like him more than most of these people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Despite a life of servitude, she spends all day flirting with a hot Italian and eating chocolate. Get it, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Beetroot. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>One century's peasant food is another's expensive appetizer sprinkled with feta crumbles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Albert. \u003c/strong>He never struck me as having any game, but then he comes out with that \"A love like ours can burn down a city\" line. Touché!\u003cem> \u003c/em>Gretchen taught him well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/56544/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_8",
"pop_2931"
],
"featImg": "pop_65121",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_63683": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_63683",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "63683",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1486950062000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1486950062,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You",
"title": "‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>Before we get to this week's episode, I need to share a bit of actual history. This is a real letter Victoria wrote to Lord Melbourne about her wedding night:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>\"It was a gratifying and bewildering experience. I never, never spent such an evening. His excessive love and affection gave me feelings of heavenly love and happiness. He clasped me in his arms and we kissed each other again and again. To lie by his side, and in his arms, and on his dear bosom, and be called by names of tenderness, I have never yet heard used to me before – was bliss beyond belief! We did not sleep much.\"\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Could have saved a lot of space by just writing \"Albert is a great lay.\" Victoria clearly owes Gretchen, the vagina-diagram-drawing prostitute from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">last week,\u003c/a> an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that we're all on the same historical page, let's get to the episode at hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find the newlyweds fooling around in bed. Governess Dictator, who somehow missed the birds and the bees memo, is shocked when she walks in on them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64071\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-11 at 2.33.55 PM\" width=\"1672\" height=\"937\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png 1672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-1020x572.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-1180x661.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-960x538.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-520x291.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1672px) 100vw, 1672px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64079\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg\" alt=\"bandb\" width=\"1678\" height=\"937\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg 1678w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-1020x570.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-520x290.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1678px) 100vw, 1678px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because they're horny 20-year-olds who just found out what their private parts do, Victoria and Albert are turned on by the whole thing and have some more sex in her honor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, all the servants are discussing how much sex the royal couple are having. They all settle on A LOT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The lead butler decides to be gross about it: \"The royal stallion needs time to cover his mare.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64080\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar.gif\" alt=\"Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar\" width=\"363\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No wonder that German maid never read his sexy letters.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the servants receives news of a fever outbreak in some poor neighborhood nearby. In addition to being a terrible erotic fiction writer, Lead Butler is also mad xenophobic: \"I blame the foreigners!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, it's time for Ernst to head back home to Germany, but he decides to stay in England and contract as much syphilis as possible instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64081\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670.gif\" alt=\"a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert make it out of bed, but are still making out in some hallway. Albert kills the mood by alluding to \"when the children come.\" Victoria is like, \u003cem>Ummm, can I live my sex-positive life for one second before you start begging for a male heir to make yourself feel like a real man?\u003c/em> The answer to that question appears to be no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tells Albert to go play, while she handles some government business. He is instantly bored. He tries to play the piano, but it's out of tune! Then, he tries to look at a painting, but it's dusty! Then, he tries to read a book, but that too is dusty! Waaaahhhhh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\" alt=\"anotherbabycrying\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria beckons for him right before his brain overheats from all his brattiness. He finds her at her desk and is like, \u003cem>Ooo, you want me to read these Parliament papers and explain them to you?\u003c/em> Victoria is like, \u003cem>Nope. My itty-bitty lady brain works just fine, thanks. I just need you to stamp them.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64084\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5.gif\" alt=\"4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5\" width=\"245\" height=\"189\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, a bunch of fancy people come over for dinner, but they're all losers compared to a jewelry-wearing Dalmatian named Mr. Bumps, who knows how to curtsy and is probably also very good at yoga:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64092\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg\" alt=\"dalmation\" width=\"1598\" height=\"939\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg 1598w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-160x94.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-800x470.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-768x451.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-1020x599.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-1180x693.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-960x564.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-240x141.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-375x220.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-520x306.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1598px) 100vw, 1598px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Albert is a killjoy who hates anything that doesn't immediately benefit him, he announces that he hates Mr. Bumps and thinks the pup's Victoria pendant is tacky. First, he went on record as hating Dash, and now this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For the past 17 years, we've been asking ourselves, \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkuu0Lwb5EM\">Who let the dogs out?\u003c/a>\" I can now provide an answer. It was me. I let the dogs out, so that they could find a time machine, go back to the 19th century, and do this to Albert:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/attack-dog-will-end-your-children.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64093\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/attack-dog-will-end-your-children.gif\" alt=\"attack-dog-will-end-your-children\" width=\"254\" height=\"248\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Bumps and all the loser humans who are lucky to be in his presence are ready to sit down for dinner. But there's a controversy holding things up! It's customary for Victoria to be escorted through the doorway by one of her uncles. But Victoria wants it to be Albert (because she knows if it isn't, he will throw another tantrum). Victoria's uncle shuts that idea down real quick, leading to more of this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\" alt=\"anotherbabycrying\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom comforts Albert by saying, \u003cem>Don't worry; they'll respect you once you prove that your testicles work by producing a male heir (girl heirs need not apply).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria asks Governess Dictator for birth control tips. Remember: This is the same woman who didn't know people had sex on their wedding night. Her advice: after the deed is done, jump up and down a bunch of times. (Don't try this at home, folks. Victoria had 9 kids.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in poor people news, Babyface Maid tries to reach her frenemy and her baby, but their neighborhood is closed off due to the fever outbreak. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, some dudes ask Victoria if she'll speak at a Slavery Is Bad conference. She's like, \u003cem>I support your cause, but won't say so publicly because I need to protect my brand, like Taylor Swift will do during a pivotal election cycle over a century from now. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alfred decides that he will take time away from his busy schedule of crying over dusty objects and making voodoo dolls of cute dogs to speak at this conference. He wants to earn something of his own, even if that something is just a lanyard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the hot Italian chef offers to help Babyface Maid get to her friend... but he's going to need something from her in return.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/liz-lemon-oh-brother.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/liz-lemon-oh-brother.gif\" alt=\"liz-lemon-oh-brother\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert notices that Ernst is about to give syphilis to Victoria's married friend, so he asks his brother to be a whore somewhere else, preferably Germany. Ernst almost cries, either because he actually cares about a woman for once, or is just experiencing a leaky side-effect from one of his STDs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for another dinner, which means another episode of \u003cem>Who Wants to Be A Millionaire (Doorway Escort)\u003c/em>! Albert is down in the dumps, per usual, because he knows it won't be him. But Victoria has a trick up her sleeve! She managed to convince her Uncle to shut up about the escort custom by granting his non-royal wife a title. Bribery: works every time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert get to walk into the dining room together! Huzzah! Victoria is over the moon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert is not. (Are you surprised?) He wants a victory of his own, you see. Wah wah wah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid thanks Hot Italian Chef for, not only passing along some money to her frenemy, but also relocating her and her baby to a suburb that isn't ridden with disease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface:\u003c/strong> \"I suppose you want something in return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, I do...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cringe-gif-555.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64105\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cringe-gif-555.gif\" alt=\"cringe-gif-555\" width=\"500\" height=\"319\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"...I find myself thinking about you sometimes when I'm at my sugar work, and I find it hard to concentrate because I don't know your name. Your real name, that is. The name you were born with. So, um, that is what I would like.\"\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/holding-back-teas.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"giphy (2)\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy (3)\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64108\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4.gif\" alt=\"anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She tells him her name is Nancy. That night, Hot Italian Chef creates a letter N out of sugar and leaves it on her pillow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/holding-back-teas.gif\" alt=\"holding-back-teas\" width=\"500\" height=\"228\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\" alt=\"Crying-Mariah-Carey\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, it's time for the Slavery Is Bad conference. Albert tries to make small talk with Jonas, an escaped slave from America, by asking if escaping was hard. Jonas is like, \u003cem>Ummm, yeah, but not as much after I outran the bloodhounds and all the white people who wanted to murder me. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside the hall, Victoria rides up and announces, \"I have come incognito!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64061\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-11 at 4.20.19 PM\" width=\"1294\" height=\"933\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM.png 1294w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-160x115.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-800x577.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-768x554.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-1020x735.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-1180x851.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-960x692.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-240x173.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-375x270.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-520x375.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1294px) 100vw, 1294px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone breaks it to her: \u003cem>Girl, we can still see you.\u003c/em> So she goes back home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Albert is having a major anxiety attack 'cause he can't remember how to properly pronounce \"barbarous.\" He walks up to the podium and, instead of opening his mouth to deliver a bunch of stress vomit, he manages to deliver a long, beautiful speech that boils down to: \"Hey, guys! Slavery is really f-ed up and America sucks for loving it so much. Can I get an Amen up in here?\" The congregation says, Amen! and compliments him for not sounding overly German. Yipee!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert rushes home to have celebratory sex with Victoria. Afterwards, Victoria waits for him to pass out so she can do her Plan B Jumping Jacks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg\" alt=\"jump\" width=\"1576\" height=\"939\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg 1576w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-160x95.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-800x477.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-768x458.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-1020x608.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-1180x703.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-960x572.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-240x143.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-375x223.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-520x310.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1576px) 100vw, 1576px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg\" alt=\"so-dumb\" width=\"1485\" height=\"919\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg 1485w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-160x99.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-800x495.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-768x475.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-1020x631.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-1180x730.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-960x594.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-240x149.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-375x232.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-520x322.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1485px) 100vw, 1485px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All the jumping wakes up Albert, who demands to know what Victoria is doing. She tells him she's trying to sabotage his sperm. He breaks it to her that the only way to effectively do that is to not have sex at all. They look into each other's eyes and consider abstinence for a beat, before saying \u003cem>Naaaahhhh\u003c/em> in unison and engaging in unprotected sex for the zillionth time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>I hope that piano never gets tuned and nothing ever gets dusted. That's what you get for hating dogs who have done nothing to you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Convinced Victoria Her \"Disguise\" Made Her Invisible. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>So shady. So funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Mr. Bumps and Dash. \u003c/strong>Spinoff please!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Gretchen. \u003c/strong>She's not technically in this episode, but her sex teachings are. Respect.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Hot Italian Chef.\u003c/strong> It's really awesome when people turn out not to be sexual predators. *throws underwear at him for being a decent human being*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "63683 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=63683",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": false,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 1877,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 91
},
"modified": 1551664199,
"excerpt": "This episode is 90% newlywed sex, 10% cute dogs.",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "This episode is 90% newlywed sex, 10% cute dogs.",
"title": "‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You",
"datePublished": "2017-02-12T17:41:02-08:00",
"dateModified": "2019-03-03T17:49:59-08:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you",
"status": "publish",
"customPermalink": "2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/",
"path": "/pop/63683/victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Before we get to this week's episode, I need to share a bit of actual history. This is a real letter Victoria wrote to Lord Melbourne about her wedding night:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>\"It was a gratifying and bewildering experience. I never, never spent such an evening. His excessive love and affection gave me feelings of heavenly love and happiness. He clasped me in his arms and we kissed each other again and again. To lie by his side, and in his arms, and on his dear bosom, and be called by names of tenderness, I have never yet heard used to me before – was bliss beyond belief! We did not sleep much.\"\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Could have saved a lot of space by just writing \"Albert is a great lay.\" Victoria clearly owes Gretchen, the vagina-diagram-drawing prostitute from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">last week,\u003c/a> an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that we're all on the same historical page, let's get to the episode at hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find the newlyweds fooling around in bed. Governess Dictator, who somehow missed the birds and the bees memo, is shocked when she walks in on them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64071\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-11 at 2.33.55 PM\" width=\"1672\" height=\"937\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png 1672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-1020x572.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-1180x661.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-960x538.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-520x291.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1672px) 100vw, 1672px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64079\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg\" alt=\"bandb\" width=\"1678\" height=\"937\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg 1678w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-1020x570.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-520x290.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1678px) 100vw, 1678px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because they're horny 20-year-olds who just found out what their private parts do, Victoria and Albert are turned on by the whole thing and have some more sex in her honor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, all the servants are discussing how much sex the royal couple are having. They all settle on A LOT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The lead butler decides to be gross about it: \"The royal stallion needs time to cover his mare.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64080\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar.gif\" alt=\"Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar\" width=\"363\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No wonder that German maid never read his sexy letters.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the servants receives news of a fever outbreak in some poor neighborhood nearby. In addition to being a terrible erotic fiction writer, Lead Butler is also mad xenophobic: \"I blame the foreigners!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, it's time for Ernst to head back home to Germany, but he decides to stay in England and contract as much syphilis as possible instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64081\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670.gif\" alt=\"a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert make it out of bed, but are still making out in some hallway. Albert kills the mood by alluding to \"when the children come.\" Victoria is like, \u003cem>Ummm, can I live my sex-positive life for one second before you start begging for a male heir to make yourself feel like a real man?\u003c/em> The answer to that question appears to be no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tells Albert to go play, while she handles some government business. He is instantly bored. He tries to play the piano, but it's out of tune! Then, he tries to look at a painting, but it's dusty! Then, he tries to read a book, but that too is dusty! Waaaahhhhh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\" alt=\"anotherbabycrying\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria beckons for him right before his brain overheats from all his brattiness. He finds her at her desk and is like, \u003cem>Ooo, you want me to read these Parliament papers and explain them to you?\u003c/em> Victoria is like, \u003cem>Nope. My itty-bitty lady brain works just fine, thanks. I just need you to stamp them.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64084\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5.gif\" alt=\"4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5\" width=\"245\" height=\"189\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, a bunch of fancy people come over for dinner, but they're all losers compared to a jewelry-wearing Dalmatian named Mr. Bumps, who knows how to curtsy and is probably also very good at yoga:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64092\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg\" alt=\"dalmation\" width=\"1598\" height=\"939\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg 1598w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-160x94.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-800x470.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-768x451.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-1020x599.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-1180x693.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-960x564.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-240x141.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-375x220.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-520x306.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1598px) 100vw, 1598px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Albert is a killjoy who hates anything that doesn't immediately benefit him, he announces that he hates Mr. Bumps and thinks the pup's Victoria pendant is tacky. First, he went on record as hating Dash, and now this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For the past 17 years, we've been asking ourselves, \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkuu0Lwb5EM\">Who let the dogs out?\u003c/a>\" I can now provide an answer. It was me. I let the dogs out, so that they could find a time machine, go back to the 19th century, and do this to Albert:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/attack-dog-will-end-your-children.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64093\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/attack-dog-will-end-your-children.gif\" alt=\"attack-dog-will-end-your-children\" width=\"254\" height=\"248\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Bumps and all the loser humans who are lucky to be in his presence are ready to sit down for dinner. But there's a controversy holding things up! It's customary for Victoria to be escorted through the doorway by one of her uncles. But Victoria wants it to be Albert (because she knows if it isn't, he will throw another tantrum). Victoria's uncle shuts that idea down real quick, leading to more of this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\" alt=\"anotherbabycrying\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom comforts Albert by saying, \u003cem>Don't worry; they'll respect you once you prove that your testicles work by producing a male heir (girl heirs need not apply).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria asks Governess Dictator for birth control tips. Remember: This is the same woman who didn't know people had sex on their wedding night. Her advice: after the deed is done, jump up and down a bunch of times. (Don't try this at home, folks. Victoria had 9 kids.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in poor people news, Babyface Maid tries to reach her frenemy and her baby, but their neighborhood is closed off due to the fever outbreak. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, some dudes ask Victoria if she'll speak at a Slavery Is Bad conference. She's like, \u003cem>I support your cause, but won't say so publicly because I need to protect my brand, like Taylor Swift will do during a pivotal election cycle over a century from now. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alfred decides that he will take time away from his busy schedule of crying over dusty objects and making voodoo dolls of cute dogs to speak at this conference. He wants to earn something of his own, even if that something is just a lanyard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the hot Italian chef offers to help Babyface Maid get to her friend... but he's going to need something from her in return.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/liz-lemon-oh-brother.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/liz-lemon-oh-brother.gif\" alt=\"liz-lemon-oh-brother\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert notices that Ernst is about to give syphilis to Victoria's married friend, so he asks his brother to be a whore somewhere else, preferably Germany. Ernst almost cries, either because he actually cares about a woman for once, or is just experiencing a leaky side-effect from one of his STDs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for another dinner, which means another episode of \u003cem>Who Wants to Be A Millionaire (Doorway Escort)\u003c/em>! Albert is down in the dumps, per usual, because he knows it won't be him. But Victoria has a trick up her sleeve! She managed to convince her Uncle to shut up about the escort custom by granting his non-royal wife a title. Bribery: works every time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert get to walk into the dining room together! Huzzah! Victoria is over the moon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert is not. (Are you surprised?) He wants a victory of his own, you see. Wah wah wah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid thanks Hot Italian Chef for, not only passing along some money to her frenemy, but also relocating her and her baby to a suburb that isn't ridden with disease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface:\u003c/strong> \"I suppose you want something in return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, I do...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cringe-gif-555.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64105\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cringe-gif-555.gif\" alt=\"cringe-gif-555\" width=\"500\" height=\"319\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"...I find myself thinking about you sometimes when I'm at my sugar work, and I find it hard to concentrate because I don't know your name. Your real name, that is. The name you were born with. So, um, that is what I would like.\"\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/holding-back-teas.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"giphy (2)\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy (3)\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64108\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4.gif\" alt=\"anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She tells him her name is Nancy. That night, Hot Italian Chef creates a letter N out of sugar and leaves it on her pillow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/holding-back-teas.gif\" alt=\"holding-back-teas\" width=\"500\" height=\"228\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\" alt=\"Crying-Mariah-Carey\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, it's time for the Slavery Is Bad conference. Albert tries to make small talk with Jonas, an escaped slave from America, by asking if escaping was hard. Jonas is like, \u003cem>Ummm, yeah, but not as much after I outran the bloodhounds and all the white people who wanted to murder me. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside the hall, Victoria rides up and announces, \"I have come incognito!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64061\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-11 at 4.20.19 PM\" width=\"1294\" height=\"933\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM.png 1294w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-160x115.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-800x577.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-768x554.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-1020x735.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-1180x851.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-960x692.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-240x173.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-375x270.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-520x375.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1294px) 100vw, 1294px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone breaks it to her: \u003cem>Girl, we can still see you.\u003c/em> So she goes back home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Albert is having a major anxiety attack 'cause he can't remember how to properly pronounce \"barbarous.\" He walks up to the podium and, instead of opening his mouth to deliver a bunch of stress vomit, he manages to deliver a long, beautiful speech that boils down to: \"Hey, guys! Slavery is really f-ed up and America sucks for loving it so much. Can I get an Amen up in here?\" The congregation says, Amen! and compliments him for not sounding overly German. Yipee!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert rushes home to have celebratory sex with Victoria. Afterwards, Victoria waits for him to pass out so she can do her Plan B Jumping Jacks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg\" alt=\"jump\" width=\"1576\" height=\"939\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg 1576w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-160x95.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-800x477.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-768x458.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-1020x608.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-1180x703.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-960x572.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-240x143.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-375x223.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-520x310.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1576px) 100vw, 1576px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg\" alt=\"so-dumb\" width=\"1485\" height=\"919\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg 1485w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-160x99.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-800x495.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-768x475.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-1020x631.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-1180x730.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-960x594.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-240x149.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-375x232.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-520x322.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1485px) 100vw, 1485px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All the jumping wakes up Albert, who demands to know what Victoria is doing. She tells him she's trying to sabotage his sperm. He breaks it to her that the only way to effectively do that is to not have sex at all. They look into each other's eyes and consider abstinence for a beat, before saying \u003cem>Naaaahhhh\u003c/em> in unison and engaging in unprotected sex for the zillionth time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>I hope that piano never gets tuned and nothing ever gets dusted. That's what you get for hating dogs who have done nothing to you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Convinced Victoria Her \"Disguise\" Made Her Invisible. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>So shady. So funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Mr. Bumps and Dash. \u003c/strong>Spinoff please!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Gretchen. \u003c/strong>She's not technically in this episode, but her sex teachings are. Respect.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Hot Italian Chef.\u003c/strong> It's really awesome when people turn out not to be sexual predators. *throws underwear at him for being a decent human being*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/63683/victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_8",
"pop_2931"
],
"featImg": "pop_64133",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_56540": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_56540",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "56540",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1486349762000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1486349762,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>Our episode begins with Victoria and Albert being awkward virgins. Albert's brother, Ernst, who's had sex approximately one billion times with prostitutes all across Europe, can't stand to watch. There's no elegant way to tell two people that they're being excruciating, so Ernst settles on: \u003cem>Oh, look, some shrubs!\u003c/em> and walks off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Left to their own devices, Albert and Victoria decide to go make out behind a random dirty sheet. Three milliseconds into their tongue-wrestling match, Victoria is overcome with tingly feelings\u003ci>.\u003c/i> \"Albert, we must get married as soon as possible!\" Translation:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vldh7oQD-a4\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert also wants her sex, but must go back home to Germany to pack all his mustache scissors first. He tells her he's bummed that he's the one who has to leave his home country (usually it's the woman). \u003cem>You're a girl! Why can't you be the inconvenienced one??\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of blasting a riot grrl anthem in his face, Victoria responds with a \u003cem>I wish I could be an ordinary subjugated wife for you, but, ugh, I have to be one of the only women alive who have it pretty good in this era. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/unfair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62674\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/unfair.gif\" alt=\"unfair\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before he jets, Albert is like, \u003cem>Oh, yeah, one more thing, I want a weekly allowance. \u003c/em>Victoria is like, \u003cem>What's money? Also, \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhfpBW-nUWk\">what is a weekend?\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert sits through a seminar by his Uncle Leopold, titled \u003cem>How to Remind Your New Wife That Her Brain Is Smaller Than Yours and That You Will Do All The Thinking For Her Henceforth. \u003c/em>The syllabus is basically this:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Boys rule.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Girls drool.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Having mistresses is cool.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, it's time for the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers to force recycled \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> servant storylines down our throats. This time, there's a candle-selling crime ring for us not to care about. Also, a young male ingenue announces he wants to study and better himself, just like \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>’s Daisy. Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\" alt=\"nene been there done that\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds Lord M so he can explain what money is. He clues her in, and also spills that her Uncle Leopold still regularly receives £50,000 from his super-dead wife, all of which he uses to house his actress mistress. The ever-naive Victoria is like, \u003cem>Having sex with people you aren't married to?! That's a thing?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>List of Things Victoria Just Found Out About:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Infidelity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Stamps\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Poor People\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Money\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Leonardo da Vinci\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Coming soon:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>What Penises Look Like\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>What Penises Do\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Where Babies Come From\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>On the front steps of Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Albert say goodbye. It goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, my beloved! How will I live a single minute without you getting mad at me for something really small and dumb? You complete me. And yeah, I'm the first one to ever say that because \u003c/em>Jerry McGuire\u003cem> won't be released for another 156 years.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You have six weeks to get me my money. Oh, and I want a fancy title too. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before he walks off, he puts his mouth really close to her neck and whispers the following like he's starring in a G-rated, 19th century version of \u003cem>Fifty Shades of Grey:\u003c/em> \"Imagine I'm kissing you here on your neck, and how often I want to kiss you when I return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62820\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\" alt=\"7383897\" width=\"275\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria meets with the Privy Council to announce her intention to marry Albert. It's a chance for a bunch of old white dudes to decide whether they're cool with her right to choose what she does with her life and body. They are nowhere near cool with it. Is this 1840 England or 2017 America? Who can tell?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Members of the Privy Council start a rumor that Albert isn't even Protestant! And thus, the birther movement of the Victorian era is born.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria storms out and demands that Lord M convince Parliament to just make Albert King Consort. Lord M warns that, if people get in the habit of making kings willy-nilly, they might realize that monarchy is a joke and that the billions in taxpayers' money spent on once-used gloves could go to something else. Victoria quickly responds: \u003cem>No title for Albert then. Anyway!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Germany, Albert's dad is very jazzed about all the money this marriage is sure to send his way. He's going to fix the leaky roof! He's going to buy his mistress the latest Victoria's Secret fashions! Schnitzel and bratwurst for all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Parliament is like, \u003cem>Not so fast!\u003c/em> They decide Albert will get half of what Uncle Leopold got. And definitely no title.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria is still processing the news of Uncle Leopold's actress mistress. The way \"actress\" is said makes the word seem like a stand-in for \"ginormous whore.\" But Victoria is relieved that her uncle is the only man who would ever be so depraved as to have a mistress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"At least I know Albert doesn't have any secrets.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong> \"Well, that usually comes later, ma'am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62775\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500\" width=\"400\" height=\"293\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria insists that Albert is not that kind of guy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M lets her keep thinking that:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"sure jan gif\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Germany, Albert whines in a sauna about pretty much everything. For you \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> fans out there, who might be missing Masterpiece-approved manly chests, here's an underwhelming treat to tide you over until \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">Ross gets back to scything\u003c/a>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62776\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 2.08.22 PM\" width=\"1055\" height=\"523\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png 1055w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-160x79.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-800x397.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-768x381.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-1020x506.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-960x476.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-240x119.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-375x186.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-520x258.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1055px) 100vw, 1055px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert eventually puts his clothes back on and pens a letter to Victoria, which consists of the lyrics from Rihanna's \"Bitch Better Have My Money.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria freaks out every time someone brings up the fact that she's totally going to get cheated on. She distracts herself with wedding planning. She decides her dress will be white, instead of the customary gold brocade. All her friends give each other stank \u003cem>Ewww, she's so tacky!\u003c/em> looks behind her back, especially this friend:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62784\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 2.26.31 PM\" width=\"1000\" height=\"535\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png 1000w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-800x428.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-768x411.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-960x514.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-240x128.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-375x201.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-520x278.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Germany, Ernst surprises Albert by taking him to a brothel. Albert is not in the mood.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst explains,\u003cem> Dude, I just want you to be good at sex!\u003c/em> \"Our dear little cousin will thank you for it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"awww\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Ernst is off engaging in a casual orgy, Albert nervously makes out with a woman named Gretchen. She tries to get to second base and Albert interrupts: \u003cem>Um, instead of grabbing Lil Al, can you grab a notepad and a pen instead? I want you to draw a diagram of a vagina and write down what I'm supposed to do to it. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gretchen, being the humanitarian that she is, recites Monica's \"Seven Erogenous Zones\" monologue from\u003cem> Friends:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdK6LVDI3kg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, having just found out that her dad was a cheating bastard like every other man she's ever met, Victoria tries to get her mother to reassure her that Albert isn't already messing around with the Gretchens of the world. Victoria's mom cannot tell a lie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Albert? No. Not yet anyway...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/CherylLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/CherylLaugh.gif\" alt=\"CherylLaugh\" width=\"294\" height=\"165\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Albert returns to town. Victoria immediately holds a title ceremony to avoid any more of his emo whining. He shall be a Knight of the Garter. Sounds cool! But not cool enough for Albert, King of the Mopey Mopers. He wants a seat in the House of Lords, like Lord M! And more money! And... waaaaahhhhh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A live feed of Albert:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cry-baby.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cry-baby.gif\" alt=\"cry baby\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also this:\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to calmly tell Albert he needs a nice, long nap:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59NWIOvPqZE\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But he keeps on Veruca Salt-ing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca.gif\" alt=\"veruca\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Victoria pulls a true boss move and announces to the entire room that Albert is tired and will be taking a nap now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dunst-bye.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62806\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dunst-bye.gif\" alt=\"dunst bye\" width=\"500\" height=\"274\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria finds comfort in spooning Dash. She should've listened to him, when he was barking up warnings during \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">the last episode\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62807\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg\" alt=\"dash\" width=\"1014\" height=\"523\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-800x413.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-960x495.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-375x193.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-520x268.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1014px) 100vw, 1014px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria has had enough. She runs all around the property to find Albert and have it out. When she finds him, he POINTS A SABER AT HER THROAT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62808\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 4.44.38 PM\" width=\"892\" height=\"543\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png 892w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-800x487.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-768x468.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-240x146.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-375x228.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-520x317.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 892px) 100vw, 892px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62809\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 4.42.00 PM\" width=\"1060\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png 1060w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-160x79.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-800x397.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-768x381.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-1020x506.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-960x476.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-240x119.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-375x186.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-520x258.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1060px) 100vw, 1060px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62810\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, she doesn't slap the crap out of him. Instead, she promises that, even though she's a Queen, she'll make sure to always obey him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/xk.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62811\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/xk.gif\" alt=\"xk\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, back at home, the lead butler is in love with a visiting German maid. He sent her all kinds of sexy emails over the past year, but she never got any of them! Spam folders: ruining lives since 1840.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time passes. It's time for Victoria's wedding! She decides that she wants a \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normcore\">normcore\u003c/a> ceremony (no diamonds, only boob flowers).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Albert's vows:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"With this ring, I thee wed...\" (Sounds very familiar. He totally copied Michelle Obama's wedding vows!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"With my body, I thee worship...\" (Thanks to Gretchen's diagram, I bet he will!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.\" (LOL, he doesn't have any -- he's not even a Lord -- but that's a nice thought.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert then says \"Amen,\" as if he's saying \"I'mma put a baby in you sometime within the next 15 minutes.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the ceremony, Victoria finds Lord M to essentially serenade him with a farewell rendition of \"I Will Always Love You.\" They briefly kiss on the cheek, and Lord M watches Victoria skip on her way to lose her virginity. Lord M goes home to binge-read some trashy novels and then die of old age.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is undressed and ready for action. Albert comes into the bedroom, Gretchen's vagina diagram seared into his brain. They lock eyes and think, \u003cem>Let's do this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>The embodiment of First World Problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Uncle Leopold's Actress Mistress. \u003c/strong>All publicity is good publicity, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Dash. \u003c/strong>He's a loyal spooner, always right, and super duper cute. Bless him and his little broken paw.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Incest.\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> Inter-family relations continue dominating royal family trees. You get a club foot! And you get a club foot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Gretchen. \u003c/strong>So wise. So charitable. Canonize her already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "56540 http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=56540",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": true,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 1978,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 101
},
"modified": 1551664219,
"excerpt": "Victoria and Albert prep for marriage by constantly fighting over money and mistresses, as married folk do.",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "Victoria and Albert prep for marriage by constantly fighting over money and mistresses, as married folk do.",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues",
"datePublished": "2017-02-05T18:56:02-08:00",
"dateModified": "2019-03-03T17:50:19-08:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues",
"status": "publish",
"customPermalink": "2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/",
"path": "/pop/56540/victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Our episode begins with Victoria and Albert being awkward virgins. Albert's brother, Ernst, who's had sex approximately one billion times with prostitutes all across Europe, can't stand to watch. There's no elegant way to tell two people that they're being excruciating, so Ernst settles on: \u003cem>Oh, look, some shrubs!\u003c/em> and walks off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Left to their own devices, Albert and Victoria decide to go make out behind a random dirty sheet. Three milliseconds into their tongue-wrestling match, Victoria is overcome with tingly feelings\u003ci>.\u003c/i> \"Albert, we must get married as soon as possible!\" Translation:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/vldh7oQD-a4'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/vldh7oQD-a4'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Albert also wants her sex, but must go back home to Germany to pack all his mustache scissors first. He tells her he's bummed that he's the one who has to leave his home country (usually it's the woman). \u003cem>You're a girl! Why can't you be the inconvenienced one??\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of blasting a riot grrl anthem in his face, Victoria responds with a \u003cem>I wish I could be an ordinary subjugated wife for you, but, ugh, I have to be one of the only women alive who have it pretty good in this era. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/unfair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62674\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/unfair.gif\" alt=\"unfair\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before he jets, Albert is like, \u003cem>Oh, yeah, one more thing, I want a weekly allowance. \u003c/em>Victoria is like, \u003cem>What's money? Also, \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhfpBW-nUWk\">what is a weekend?\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert sits through a seminar by his Uncle Leopold, titled \u003cem>How to Remind Your New Wife That Her Brain Is Smaller Than Yours and That You Will Do All The Thinking For Her Henceforth. \u003c/em>The syllabus is basically this:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Boys rule.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Girls drool.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Having mistresses is cool.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, it's time for the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers to force recycled \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> servant storylines down our throats. This time, there's a candle-selling crime ring for us not to care about. Also, a young male ingenue announces he wants to study and better himself, just like \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>’s Daisy. Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\" alt=\"nene been there done that\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds Lord M so he can explain what money is. He clues her in, and also spills that her Uncle Leopold still regularly receives £50,000 from his super-dead wife, all of which he uses to house his actress mistress. The ever-naive Victoria is like, \u003cem>Having sex with people you aren't married to?! That's a thing?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>List of Things Victoria Just Found Out About:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Infidelity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Stamps\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Poor People\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Money\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Leonardo da Vinci\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Coming soon:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>What Penises Look Like\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>What Penises Do\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Where Babies Come From\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>On the front steps of Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Albert say goodbye. It goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, my beloved! How will I live a single minute without you getting mad at me for something really small and dumb? You complete me. And yeah, I'm the first one to ever say that because \u003c/em>Jerry McGuire\u003cem> won't be released for another 156 years.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You have six weeks to get me my money. Oh, and I want a fancy title too. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before he walks off, he puts his mouth really close to her neck and whispers the following like he's starring in a G-rated, 19th century version of \u003cem>Fifty Shades of Grey:\u003c/em> \"Imagine I'm kissing you here on your neck, and how often I want to kiss you when I return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62820\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\" alt=\"7383897\" width=\"275\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria meets with the Privy Council to announce her intention to marry Albert. It's a chance for a bunch of old white dudes to decide whether they're cool with her right to choose what she does with her life and body. They are nowhere near cool with it. Is this 1840 England or 2017 America? Who can tell?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Members of the Privy Council start a rumor that Albert isn't even Protestant! And thus, the birther movement of the Victorian era is born.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria storms out and demands that Lord M convince Parliament to just make Albert King Consort. Lord M warns that, if people get in the habit of making kings willy-nilly, they might realize that monarchy is a joke and that the billions in taxpayers' money spent on once-used gloves could go to something else. Victoria quickly responds: \u003cem>No title for Albert then. Anyway!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Germany, Albert's dad is very jazzed about all the money this marriage is sure to send his way. He's going to fix the leaky roof! He's going to buy his mistress the latest Victoria's Secret fashions! Schnitzel and bratwurst for all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Parliament is like, \u003cem>Not so fast!\u003c/em> They decide Albert will get half of what Uncle Leopold got. And definitely no title.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria is still processing the news of Uncle Leopold's actress mistress. The way \"actress\" is said makes the word seem like a stand-in for \"ginormous whore.\" But Victoria is relieved that her uncle is the only man who would ever be so depraved as to have a mistress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"At least I know Albert doesn't have any secrets.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong> \"Well, that usually comes later, ma'am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62775\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500\" width=\"400\" height=\"293\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria insists that Albert is not that kind of guy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M lets her keep thinking that:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"sure jan gif\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Germany, Albert whines in a sauna about pretty much everything. For you \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> fans out there, who might be missing Masterpiece-approved manly chests, here's an underwhelming treat to tide you over until \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">Ross gets back to scything\u003c/a>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62776\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 2.08.22 PM\" width=\"1055\" height=\"523\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png 1055w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-160x79.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-800x397.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-768x381.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-1020x506.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-960x476.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-240x119.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-375x186.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-520x258.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1055px) 100vw, 1055px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert eventually puts his clothes back on and pens a letter to Victoria, which consists of the lyrics from Rihanna's \"Bitch Better Have My Money.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria freaks out every time someone brings up the fact that she's totally going to get cheated on. She distracts herself with wedding planning. She decides her dress will be white, instead of the customary gold brocade. All her friends give each other stank \u003cem>Ewww, she's so tacky!\u003c/em> looks behind her back, especially this friend:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62784\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 2.26.31 PM\" width=\"1000\" height=\"535\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png 1000w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-800x428.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-768x411.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-960x514.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-240x128.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-375x201.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-520x278.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Germany, Ernst surprises Albert by taking him to a brothel. Albert is not in the mood.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst explains,\u003cem> Dude, I just want you to be good at sex!\u003c/em> \"Our dear little cousin will thank you for it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"awww\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Ernst is off engaging in a casual orgy, Albert nervously makes out with a woman named Gretchen. She tries to get to second base and Albert interrupts: \u003cem>Um, instead of grabbing Lil Al, can you grab a notepad and a pen instead? I want you to draw a diagram of a vagina and write down what I'm supposed to do to it. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gretchen, being the humanitarian that she is, recites Monica's \"Seven Erogenous Zones\" monologue from\u003cem> Friends:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/mdK6LVDI3kg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/mdK6LVDI3kg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Meanwhile, having just found out that her dad was a cheating bastard like every other man she's ever met, Victoria tries to get her mother to reassure her that Albert isn't already messing around with the Gretchens of the world. Victoria's mom cannot tell a lie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Albert? No. Not yet anyway...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/CherylLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/CherylLaugh.gif\" alt=\"CherylLaugh\" width=\"294\" height=\"165\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Albert returns to town. Victoria immediately holds a title ceremony to avoid any more of his emo whining. He shall be a Knight of the Garter. Sounds cool! But not cool enough for Albert, King of the Mopey Mopers. He wants a seat in the House of Lords, like Lord M! And more money! And... waaaaahhhhh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A live feed of Albert:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cry-baby.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cry-baby.gif\" alt=\"cry baby\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also this:\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to calmly tell Albert he needs a nice, long nap:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/59NWIOvPqZE'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/59NWIOvPqZE'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>But he keeps on Veruca Salt-ing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca.gif\" alt=\"veruca\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Victoria pulls a true boss move and announces to the entire room that Albert is tired and will be taking a nap now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dunst-bye.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62806\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dunst-bye.gif\" alt=\"dunst bye\" width=\"500\" height=\"274\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria finds comfort in spooning Dash. She should've listened to him, when he was barking up warnings during \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">the last episode\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62807\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg\" alt=\"dash\" width=\"1014\" height=\"523\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-800x413.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-960x495.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-375x193.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-520x268.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1014px) 100vw, 1014px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria has had enough. She runs all around the property to find Albert and have it out. When she finds him, he POINTS A SABER AT HER THROAT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62808\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 4.44.38 PM\" width=\"892\" height=\"543\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png 892w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-800x487.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-768x468.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-240x146.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-375x228.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-520x317.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 892px) 100vw, 892px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62809\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 4.42.00 PM\" width=\"1060\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png 1060w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-160x79.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-800x397.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-768x381.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-1020x506.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-960x476.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-240x119.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-375x186.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-520x258.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1060px) 100vw, 1060px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62810\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, she doesn't slap the crap out of him. Instead, she promises that, even though she's a Queen, she'll make sure to always obey him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/xk.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62811\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/xk.gif\" alt=\"xk\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, back at home, the lead butler is in love with a visiting German maid. He sent her all kinds of sexy emails over the past year, but she never got any of them! Spam folders: ruining lives since 1840.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time passes. It's time for Victoria's wedding! She decides that she wants a \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normcore\">normcore\u003c/a> ceremony (no diamonds, only boob flowers).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Albert's vows:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"With this ring, I thee wed...\" (Sounds very familiar. He totally copied Michelle Obama's wedding vows!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"With my body, I thee worship...\" (Thanks to Gretchen's diagram, I bet he will!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.\" (LOL, he doesn't have any -- he's not even a Lord -- but that's a nice thought.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert then says \"Amen,\" as if he's saying \"I'mma put a baby in you sometime within the next 15 minutes.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the ceremony, Victoria finds Lord M to essentially serenade him with a farewell rendition of \"I Will Always Love You.\" They briefly kiss on the cheek, and Lord M watches Victoria skip on her way to lose her virginity. Lord M goes home to binge-read some trashy novels and then die of old age.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is undressed and ready for action. Albert comes into the bedroom, Gretchen's vagina diagram seared into his brain. They lock eyes and think, \u003cem>Let's do this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>The embodiment of First World Problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Uncle Leopold's Actress Mistress. \u003c/strong>All publicity is good publicity, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Dash. \u003c/strong>He's a loyal spooner, always right, and super duper cute. Bless him and his little broken paw.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Incest.\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> Inter-family relations continue dominating royal family trees. You get a club foot! And you get a club foot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Gretchen. \u003c/strong>So wise. So charitable. Canonize her already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/56540/victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_8",
"pop_2931"
],
"featImg": "pop_62819",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_56538": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_56538",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "56538",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1485756756000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1485756756,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You're So Vain",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You're So Vain",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>Our episode starts where \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">the last\u003c/a> left off. Albert rudely interrupts Victoria's concerto, when he could have very easily cooled his jets and waited for her to finish doing her thing. Victoria's cute dog, Dash, is like, \u003cem>Did he just? Oh, hell naw!\u003c/em> He runs up to Albert and lets him have it. Unfortunately, none of the humans are fluent in Canine. Here's a translation of Dash's barking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIzVCwhHcWc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert follows this faux pas with another. In a textbook \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging\">negging\u003c/a> move, he tells Victoria she made \"fewer mistakes\" than the last time he heard her play. We're supposed to like this dude? No thanks. #ImWithDash\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/large.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/large.gif\" alt=\"scrub tlc left eye\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom is like, \u003cem>Look, Victoria, aren't Albert and your other first cousin sooo hot?!\u003c/em> As if the incest isn't gross enough, she refers to them as \"specimens.\" Victoria and I agree that this entire display is gross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ew-taylor-swift.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ew-taylor-swift.gif\" alt=\"ew taylor swift\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert wants to make plans to hang out and check out her art collection, especially the paintings by Leonardo da Vinci. Victoria responds with a \u003cem>Who dat?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lrzsuad72G1qebmn2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61173\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lrzsuad72G1qebmn2.gif\" alt=\"rihanna you look so dumb gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria gets out of spending time with Albert by explaining that she's going to be too busy going over war reports from Afghanistan, the 19th century version of \"I have to wash my hair.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61174\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\" alt=\"ooh burn emma stone\" width=\"498\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Albert and his brother, Ernst, debrief on the interaction. Ernst thinks Albert should be less of a d-ck in the future. Good idea!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert threatens to go home because she didn't immediately fall to his feet when he insulted her piano skills. He also whines about how, even if things worked out, he would be married to a woman who was more successful than him. This is like that \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeVfLOqtPR8\">elevator scene\u003c/a> from \u003cem>The Shining\u003c/em>, only instead of blood gushing out, it's a sea of red flags.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate bedroom, Victoria and her servants dish on Albert. They decide he's hot, but rude, and suffering from a bad case of Resting Bitch Face™.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, some dude is trying to explain the concept of a stamp to Victoria. She finds the whole thing preposterous and hilarious: \"So everybody who wants to send a letter will have to lick my face?!\" Albert resting-bitch-faces in a corner and reprimands her for laughing at such a brilliant invention. Yep, that's right; they're not even married yet and already fighting... over stamps!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/bethenny-get-out.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61184\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/bethenny-get-out.gif\" alt=\"bethenny get out\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria goes out on a balcony with Lord M and primal screams. Lord M is like, \u003cem>OMG, don't worry! The war reports from Afghanistan look really promising!\u003c/em> Victoria is like, \u003cem>Huh? How can you care about world affairs at a time like this? A boy was mean to me!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's that time again, when the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers try to interest us in a servant B-plot again. Babyface Maid meets some woman in an alley, who threatens to tell everyone that Babyface used a fake identity to get the Buckingham Palace job, unless she pays up. I feel like this exact thing happened on \u003cem>Downton Abbey. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\" alt=\"nene been there done that\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert and Ernst head into town, where they are introduced to daguerreotypes. Almost as cool as stamps! Albert notices fancy ladies being rude to beggar children. One of these kids is the main character from Hans Christian Andersen's \"The Little Match Girl.\" Albert instructs a servant to give her a few coins. Ugh, now I'm stuck thinking about how sad that story is (\u003cem>Cliffs Notes version:\u003c/em> people are trash and don't buy a poor girl's matches, so she hallucinates before freezing to death in a gutter).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61187\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-crying.gif\" alt=\"oprah crying\" width=\"440\" height=\"336\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anywaaaay, that night at dinner, Albert glares at Dash the Dog, while Ernst tells Victoria how much fun they had at the National Gallery. She asks if they checked out \u003ca href=\"http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y189/royal_forum/Queen-Victoria-India.jpg\">Hayter's portrait of her\u003c/a> (it's her fave). Albert is like, \u003cem>Definitely did not! I hate modern art! Old Masters for life! Especially Rubens!\u003c/em> Victoria replies that she detests Rubens and \"all that \u003ca href=\"https://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/rubens/bacchus.jpg\">wobbling flesh\u003c/a>.\" Longest, worst first date ever!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After dinner, Albert walks in on Victoria and her friends playing cards, and declares that he hates card games. Cool story, bro. Nobody asked you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst decides the only way to salvage this mess is with a Schubert duet (naturally). Victoria and Albert take out their sexual frustration on the keys and manage to make beautiful music together. The song ends and they share a nice quiet moment... until Albert tells Victoria she has small hands. Like Donald Trump, Victoria doesn't appreciate this being pointed out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, things get worse:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You play very well, cousin, but I believe you do not practice enough. It's necessary to play for at least one hour each day.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"But a queen does not have time for scales every day.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Only for card games.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61563\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq.gif\" alt=\"44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria agrees to continue hanging out with Albert for some reason. She racks her brain for a safe topic that won't lead to more insults. A-ha! Gardens! Surely he can't find a way to turn that subject into something hateful, right? Yeah, no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Do you like gardens, Albert?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I prefer forests.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61565\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250\" width=\"200\" height=\"217\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61564\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"257\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Babyface Maid steals a diamond hair pin. She puts it back a few minutes later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7HJH0IH3dc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria throws a house party in Albert's honor, even though he doesn't deserve much more than a kick in the teeth and a permanent exile. Albert sulks in a corner (because he's the worst) until he sees Lord M ask Victoria to dance. Like a grumpy toddler who hasn't had a nap all day, Albert walks up to Lord M and wails, \u003cem>Mine!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like most toddlers, he gets his way and do-si-dos with Victoria. Soon, he gets distracted by a flower Victoria has placed in the middle of her boobs. He inhales her cleavage, looks at her lustily, and says... that it reminds him of his mom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/michelle-obama-ew-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61566\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/michelle-obama-ew-gif.gif\" alt=\"michelle-obama-ew-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He takes out a knife, sensually slices his shirt open, and places the flower near his nipple. Victoria looks on like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/o-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61577\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/o-face.gif\" alt=\"o-face\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It looks like they're about to get into some \u003ca href=\"http://www.eonline.com/news/590687/billy-bob-thornton-explains-why-angelina-jolie-wanted-to-wear-a-vial-of-his-blood-around-her-neck\">Billy Bob and Angelina sexy blood vial stuff\u003c/a>, but they stop short. I guess that's in next week's episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M tries to update Victoria on Afghanistan. Victoria does not give a single you-know-what.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/635916936701388154-801535178_care.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61574\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/635916936701388154-801535178_care.gif\" alt=\"635916936701388154-801535178_care\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's too giddy about taking a road trip to Windsor to care about foreign affairs. Maybe if she shows Albert a forest, he'll stop being so mean! (Fat chance.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Windsor, Albert is grumpy because he doesn't like his dinner outfit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/god-i-hate-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61575\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/god-i-hate-you.gif\" alt=\"god i hate you\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tells Lord M about how she just binge-read the coolest book: Charles Dickens' \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em>. Lord M says that his Netflix queue is already super long so he doesn't have time to read about grave robbers and pickpockets. Albert, Patron Saint of Contrarians, comes out of the shadows to declare that he loves \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em> and grave robbers and pickpockets!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/asu.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61576\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/asu.gif\" alt=\"asu\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria finally figures out how to get Albert in the mood: show him an old oak tree! It works. He tells her he hates her hat and tells her to take it off. He considers kissing her, before deciding nah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to rescue the moment by asking about what happened to his dead mom (not exactly something you'd find in a Dirty Talk 101 course manual). Apparently, his mom left his dad when Albert was five and then died sometime later. I mean, if Albert was my son, I would also run away and die, so I get it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Off in the distance, Dash can be heard squealing in pain. Oh, hell no. If Dash dies, I will seriously stop recapping this show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-cant.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61578\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-cant.gif\" alt=\"i cant\" width=\"282\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dash broke his leg! Albert rips part of his shirt off to make a puppy paw tourniquet. Awww! Two points for Hufflepuff! But, moments later, Albert throws a jealous hissy fit over Lord M and tells Victoria she should just marry him because she seems to love to surround herself with sycophants. Minus those same two points from Hufflepuff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"How dare you! May I remind you that, while you were looking at paintings in Italy, I was ruling this country! I don't need you to tell me what to think, Albert.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"No. That's Lord Melbourne's job.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SLAP HIM! KILL HIM! DO IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61579\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640\" width=\"481\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She doesn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/disappointed-jennifer-lopez.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/disappointed-jennifer-lopez.gif\" alt=\"disappointed jennifer lopez\" width=\"371\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Babyface gives some lace collars to Random Blackmailing Lady because she needs to feed her baby or something. I still don't care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because of the bicker-fest in the forest, the Windsor slumber party is called off and everyone returns to Buckingham Palace. Victoria complains to Lord M that Albert is super jealous of him. Due to his constant barrage of critiques, she starts to believe that there's something wrong with \u003cem>her\u003c/em>, not him: \"Albert always looks at me as if I've done something wrong. I'd like him to smile at me.\" Wake up, girl! He's negging you! It's a classic pickup artist move! Don't fall for it! (She's totally gonna.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M takes Albert aside and says, \u003cem>Look, I'm old and going to retire as Victoria's Prime Minister soon, so stop being such a jealous little sh-t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria gets all gussied up, puts boob flowers in her hair and all over the mantlepiece and calls for Albert. He's like, \u003cem>Oooo! Boob flowers! You know how much thinking about my dead mom turns me on!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She discards all my sage dating advice and proposes marriage to him. (Note: he's still very much her first cousin.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\" alt=\"tina fey eyeroll gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He responds, \u003cem>Of course! Sorry for being the worst! Let's make out!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, no. His real response: \"That depends.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/jennifer-lawrence-middle-finger.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61580\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/jennifer-lawrence-middle-finger.gif\" alt=\"jennifer lawrence middle finger\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Minus all the points from Hufflepuff. What is this dweeb's damage???\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He eventually agrees to marry her and they giggle about how it will be \"a marriage of inconvenience\" because of how mentally abusive he is. Ha ha ha, so funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\" alt=\"whitney fake laugh gif\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>A high school World History textbook already spoiled this marriage for me, but I'm still hoping Dash interrupts the wedding during the \"Speak now or forever hold your peace\" part and, in a twist of revisionist history, saves Victoria from a lifetime of passive-aggressive mind games. I also hope that Dash gives Albert rabies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Afghanistan. \u003c/strong>Victoria doesn't give a crap about you, but Lord M and I do!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Little Match Girl. \u003c/strong>I would say it gets better, but it doesn't. 🙁\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Lord M. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>The walking and talking embodiment of \"I'm too old for this sh-t.\" He deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for not slapping these people to death on the daily.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Dash. \u003c/strong>This adorable pup knew Albert was bad news from the start. The only one who continuously keeps it real. MVP and all-around dreamboat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "56538 http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=56538",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": true,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 2165,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 102
},
"modified": 1551664236,
"excerpt": "You know when your friend starts to date a jerk and you just have to keep quiet and watch it unfold. Yeah, that's what this week's episode is. ",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "You know when your friend starts to date a jerk and you just have to keep quiet and watch it unfold. Yeah, that's what this week's episode is. ",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You're So Vain | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You're So Vain",
"datePublished": "2017-01-29T22:12:36-08:00",
"dateModified": "2019-03-03T17:50:36-08:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain",
"status": "publish",
"customPermalink": "2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/",
"path": "/pop/56538/victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Our episode starts where \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">the last\u003c/a> left off. Albert rudely interrupts Victoria's concerto, when he could have very easily cooled his jets and waited for her to finish doing her thing. Victoria's cute dog, Dash, is like, \u003cem>Did he just? Oh, hell naw!\u003c/em> He runs up to Albert and lets him have it. Unfortunately, none of the humans are fluent in Canine. Here's a translation of Dash's barking:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/fIzVCwhHcWc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/fIzVCwhHcWc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Albert follows this faux pas with another. In a textbook \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging\">negging\u003c/a> move, he tells Victoria she made \"fewer mistakes\" than the last time he heard her play. We're supposed to like this dude? No thanks. #ImWithDash\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/large.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/large.gif\" alt=\"scrub tlc left eye\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom is like, \u003cem>Look, Victoria, aren't Albert and your other first cousin sooo hot?!\u003c/em> As if the incest isn't gross enough, she refers to them as \"specimens.\" Victoria and I agree that this entire display is gross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ew-taylor-swift.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ew-taylor-swift.gif\" alt=\"ew taylor swift\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert wants to make plans to hang out and check out her art collection, especially the paintings by Leonardo da Vinci. Victoria responds with a \u003cem>Who dat?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lrzsuad72G1qebmn2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61173\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lrzsuad72G1qebmn2.gif\" alt=\"rihanna you look so dumb gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria gets out of spending time with Albert by explaining that she's going to be too busy going over war reports from Afghanistan, the 19th century version of \"I have to wash my hair.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61174\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\" alt=\"ooh burn emma stone\" width=\"498\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Albert and his brother, Ernst, debrief on the interaction. Ernst thinks Albert should be less of a d-ck in the future. Good idea!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert threatens to go home because she didn't immediately fall to his feet when he insulted her piano skills. He also whines about how, even if things worked out, he would be married to a woman who was more successful than him. This is like that \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeVfLOqtPR8\">elevator scene\u003c/a> from \u003cem>The Shining\u003c/em>, only instead of blood gushing out, it's a sea of red flags.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate bedroom, Victoria and her servants dish on Albert. They decide he's hot, but rude, and suffering from a bad case of Resting Bitch Face™.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, some dude is trying to explain the concept of a stamp to Victoria. She finds the whole thing preposterous and hilarious: \"So everybody who wants to send a letter will have to lick my face?!\" Albert resting-bitch-faces in a corner and reprimands her for laughing at such a brilliant invention. Yep, that's right; they're not even married yet and already fighting... over stamps!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/bethenny-get-out.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61184\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/bethenny-get-out.gif\" alt=\"bethenny get out\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria goes out on a balcony with Lord M and primal screams. Lord M is like, \u003cem>OMG, don't worry! The war reports from Afghanistan look really promising!\u003c/em> Victoria is like, \u003cem>Huh? How can you care about world affairs at a time like this? A boy was mean to me!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's that time again, when the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers try to interest us in a servant B-plot again. Babyface Maid meets some woman in an alley, who threatens to tell everyone that Babyface used a fake identity to get the Buckingham Palace job, unless she pays up. I feel like this exact thing happened on \u003cem>Downton Abbey. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\" alt=\"nene been there done that\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert and Ernst head into town, where they are introduced to daguerreotypes. Almost as cool as stamps! Albert notices fancy ladies being rude to beggar children. One of these kids is the main character from Hans Christian Andersen's \"The Little Match Girl.\" Albert instructs a servant to give her a few coins. Ugh, now I'm stuck thinking about how sad that story is (\u003cem>Cliffs Notes version:\u003c/em> people are trash and don't buy a poor girl's matches, so she hallucinates before freezing to death in a gutter).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61187\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-crying.gif\" alt=\"oprah crying\" width=\"440\" height=\"336\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anywaaaay, that night at dinner, Albert glares at Dash the Dog, while Ernst tells Victoria how much fun they had at the National Gallery. She asks if they checked out \u003ca href=\"http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y189/royal_forum/Queen-Victoria-India.jpg\">Hayter's portrait of her\u003c/a> (it's her fave). Albert is like, \u003cem>Definitely did not! I hate modern art! Old Masters for life! Especially Rubens!\u003c/em> Victoria replies that she detests Rubens and \"all that \u003ca href=\"https://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/rubens/bacchus.jpg\">wobbling flesh\u003c/a>.\" Longest, worst first date ever!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After dinner, Albert walks in on Victoria and her friends playing cards, and declares that he hates card games. Cool story, bro. Nobody asked you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst decides the only way to salvage this mess is with a Schubert duet (naturally). Victoria and Albert take out their sexual frustration on the keys and manage to make beautiful music together. The song ends and they share a nice quiet moment... until Albert tells Victoria she has small hands. Like Donald Trump, Victoria doesn't appreciate this being pointed out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, things get worse:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You play very well, cousin, but I believe you do not practice enough. It's necessary to play for at least one hour each day.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"But a queen does not have time for scales every day.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Only for card games.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61563\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq.gif\" alt=\"44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria agrees to continue hanging out with Albert for some reason. She racks her brain for a safe topic that won't lead to more insults. A-ha! Gardens! Surely he can't find a way to turn that subject into something hateful, right? Yeah, no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Do you like gardens, Albert?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I prefer forests.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61565\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250\" width=\"200\" height=\"217\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61564\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"257\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Babyface Maid steals a diamond hair pin. She puts it back a few minutes later.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/M7HJH0IH3dc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/M7HJH0IH3dc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>That night, Victoria throws a house party in Albert's honor, even though he doesn't deserve much more than a kick in the teeth and a permanent exile. Albert sulks in a corner (because he's the worst) until he sees Lord M ask Victoria to dance. Like a grumpy toddler who hasn't had a nap all day, Albert walks up to Lord M and wails, \u003cem>Mine!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like most toddlers, he gets his way and do-si-dos with Victoria. Soon, he gets distracted by a flower Victoria has placed in the middle of her boobs. He inhales her cleavage, looks at her lustily, and says... that it reminds him of his mom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/michelle-obama-ew-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61566\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/michelle-obama-ew-gif.gif\" alt=\"michelle-obama-ew-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He takes out a knife, sensually slices his shirt open, and places the flower near his nipple. Victoria looks on like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/o-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61577\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/o-face.gif\" alt=\"o-face\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It looks like they're about to get into some \u003ca href=\"http://www.eonline.com/news/590687/billy-bob-thornton-explains-why-angelina-jolie-wanted-to-wear-a-vial-of-his-blood-around-her-neck\">Billy Bob and Angelina sexy blood vial stuff\u003c/a>, but they stop short. I guess that's in next week's episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M tries to update Victoria on Afghanistan. Victoria does not give a single you-know-what.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/635916936701388154-801535178_care.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61574\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/635916936701388154-801535178_care.gif\" alt=\"635916936701388154-801535178_care\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's too giddy about taking a road trip to Windsor to care about foreign affairs. Maybe if she shows Albert a forest, he'll stop being so mean! (Fat chance.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Windsor, Albert is grumpy because he doesn't like his dinner outfit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/god-i-hate-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61575\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/god-i-hate-you.gif\" alt=\"god i hate you\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tells Lord M about how she just binge-read the coolest book: Charles Dickens' \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em>. Lord M says that his Netflix queue is already super long so he doesn't have time to read about grave robbers and pickpockets. Albert, Patron Saint of Contrarians, comes out of the shadows to declare that he loves \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em> and grave robbers and pickpockets!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/asu.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61576\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/asu.gif\" alt=\"asu\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria finally figures out how to get Albert in the mood: show him an old oak tree! It works. He tells her he hates her hat and tells her to take it off. He considers kissing her, before deciding nah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to rescue the moment by asking about what happened to his dead mom (not exactly something you'd find in a Dirty Talk 101 course manual). Apparently, his mom left his dad when Albert was five and then died sometime later. I mean, if Albert was my son, I would also run away and die, so I get it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Off in the distance, Dash can be heard squealing in pain. Oh, hell no. If Dash dies, I will seriously stop recapping this show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-cant.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61578\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-cant.gif\" alt=\"i cant\" width=\"282\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dash broke his leg! Albert rips part of his shirt off to make a puppy paw tourniquet. Awww! Two points for Hufflepuff! But, moments later, Albert throws a jealous hissy fit over Lord M and tells Victoria she should just marry him because she seems to love to surround herself with sycophants. Minus those same two points from Hufflepuff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"How dare you! May I remind you that, while you were looking at paintings in Italy, I was ruling this country! I don't need you to tell me what to think, Albert.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"No. That's Lord Melbourne's job.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SLAP HIM! KILL HIM! DO IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61579\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640\" width=\"481\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She doesn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/disappointed-jennifer-lopez.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/disappointed-jennifer-lopez.gif\" alt=\"disappointed jennifer lopez\" width=\"371\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Babyface gives some lace collars to Random Blackmailing Lady because she needs to feed her baby or something. I still don't care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because of the bicker-fest in the forest, the Windsor slumber party is called off and everyone returns to Buckingham Palace. Victoria complains to Lord M that Albert is super jealous of him. Due to his constant barrage of critiques, she starts to believe that there's something wrong with \u003cem>her\u003c/em>, not him: \"Albert always looks at me as if I've done something wrong. I'd like him to smile at me.\" Wake up, girl! He's negging you! It's a classic pickup artist move! Don't fall for it! (She's totally gonna.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M takes Albert aside and says, \u003cem>Look, I'm old and going to retire as Victoria's Prime Minister soon, so stop being such a jealous little sh-t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria gets all gussied up, puts boob flowers in her hair and all over the mantlepiece and calls for Albert. He's like, \u003cem>Oooo! Boob flowers! You know how much thinking about my dead mom turns me on!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She discards all my sage dating advice and proposes marriage to him. (Note: he's still very much her first cousin.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\" alt=\"tina fey eyeroll gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He responds, \u003cem>Of course! Sorry for being the worst! Let's make out!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, no. His real response: \"That depends.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/jennifer-lawrence-middle-finger.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61580\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/jennifer-lawrence-middle-finger.gif\" alt=\"jennifer lawrence middle finger\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Minus all the points from Hufflepuff. What is this dweeb's damage???\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He eventually agrees to marry her and they giggle about how it will be \"a marriage of inconvenience\" because of how mentally abusive he is. Ha ha ha, so funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\" alt=\"whitney fake laugh gif\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>A high school World History textbook already spoiled this marriage for me, but I'm still hoping Dash interrupts the wedding during the \"Speak now or forever hold your peace\" part and, in a twist of revisionist history, saves Victoria from a lifetime of passive-aggressive mind games. I also hope that Dash gives Albert rabies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Afghanistan. \u003c/strong>Victoria doesn't give a crap about you, but Lord M and I do!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Little Match Girl. \u003c/strong>I would say it gets better, but it doesn't. 🙁\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Lord M. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>The walking and talking embodiment of \"I'm too old for this sh-t.\" He deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for not slapping these people to death on the daily.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Dash. \u003c/strong>This adorable pup knew Albert was bad news from the start. The only one who continuously keeps it real. MVP and all-around dreamboat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/56538/victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_8",
"pop_2931"
],
"featImg": "pop_61589",
"label": "pop"
},
"pop_56536": {
"type": "posts",
"id": "pop_56536",
"meta": {
"index": "posts_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "56536",
"score": null,
"sort": [
1485147678000
]
},
"parent": 0,
"labelTerm": {
"site": "pop"
},
"blocks": [],
"publishDate": 1485147678,
"format": "standard",
"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>Our episode starts with a blinged-out, bored Victoria riding around town. Some people gather to watch her carriage pass:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60155\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 1.51.04 PM\" width=\"597\" height=\"579\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png 597w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-160x155.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-240x233.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-375x364.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-520x504.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-32x32.png 32w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 597px) 100vw, 597px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, elsewhere, a much larger crowd gathers to protest:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 1.50.51 PM\" width=\"588\" height=\"578\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png 588w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-160x157.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-240x236.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-375x369.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-520x511.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-32x32.png 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-50x50.png 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-64x64.png 64w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 588px) 100vw, 588px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"One Man, One Vote,\" the signs read. A reasonable request, right? Apparently not; soldiers aim rifles at the protestors, yell \"In the name of the Queen! Fire!!!\" and shoot everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/f8a.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60157\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/f8a.gif\" alt=\"f8a\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Lord M agree that Queen Elizabeth I had it all figured out by staying single forever. Marriage just leads to unhappiness, divorce, or getting cuckolded by Lord Byron, so why bother?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria's uncle on her mother's side, Leopold, arrives to say passive-aggressive things about her height (we get it! she's short!) and how he would be living in Buckingham Palace if his wife hadn't died during childbirth (she preceded Victoria in the line of succession). For a country known for its stuffy manners, these people sure don't have any.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom doesn't waste any time conspiring with her brother about making Victoria marry their other sibling's son, Albert. If you're following along, yes, that means Albert is Victoria's first cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gross5_zps43ad1395.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60167\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gross5_zps43ad1395.gif\" alt=\"gross5_zps43ad1395\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/raw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/raw.gif\" alt=\"raw\" width=\"244\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60169\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (1)\" width=\"310\" height=\"205\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Disgusted-Grandma.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60166\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Disgusted-Grandma.gif\" alt=\"Disgusted-Grandma\" width=\"389\" height=\"221\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And before you leave a comment, yes, I'm aware that this sort of thing occurs often in royal families to keep alliances strong, but it doesn't make the fact that Victoria and Albert share the same grandparents any less gross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Never one to miss an opportunity to beat a dead horse, Sir John randomly chimes in from the sidelines: \"YOU NEED A HUSBAND!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries.gif\" alt=\"Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries\" width=\"500\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria announces that they can continue discussing how she's nothing without a husband, but that she has to go govern now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar is upset that he's not the only power-hungry uncle around. Scar's wife has a solution: why doesn't Uncle Scar try to make Victoria marry George, one of the first cousins on her father's side?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1456.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60173\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1456.gif\" alt=\"1456\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M finds Victoria to tell her two things:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Ew! Your first cousin?!\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Some starving poor people are protesting for their civil rights and getting shot.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Victoria is like, \u003cem>Oh, that's weird. Anyway, I can't wait to dance with you at the opera tonight! \u003c/em>Somewhere, Marie Antoinette's headless ghost is floating around, wailing, \u003cem>You chop off my head for wanting to share some cake, but she gets away with this? Come on!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the servants pick sides -- #TeamRussianGroper, #TeamCousinAlbert, #TeamCousinGeorge, #TeamLordM -- and place bets. They're all wrong. \u003ca href=\"http://foreveryoungadult.com/_uploads/images2/gilmoregirlsjessandrory.jpg\">#TeamJess\u003c/a> all the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the opera, Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over Victoria with mean looks, while Leopold creepily stalks Victoria through binoculars.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the performance, Uncle Leopold threatens Victoria with the idea that, if she doesn't take the safe, incestuous choice with Albert and instead marries Lord M, protestors will burn everything to the ground and probably kill her. Victoria obliterates him back into his proper place with this royal clapback:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I think you forget that I'm of a royal line that stretches back 1,000 years, whilst you're the king of Belgium, a country that did not exist a decade ago.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/xgz9nkR.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60181\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/xgz9nkR.gif\" alt=\"xgz9nkR\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, lead maid Ms. Jenkins gets an upsetting note from her sister, but doesn't want to talk about it. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, you don't have to force a \"downstairs\" narrative in an attempt to be \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>. You'll never be \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, and that's okay.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Lord M trot around on horseback, talking about boys. The verdict: Russian Groper is hot and gets what it's like to be a spoiled royal, but is he too foreign? As for Cousin George, he's the worst, but an incestuous English marriage would be super popular with the people. Decisions, decisions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know who else is English? Lord M! He and Victoria stop just short of winking at each other and licking their lips. (Fun fact: in real life, Lord M was 40 YEARS OLDER than Victoria, and they didn't like each other in that way. But reality makes for dull television, so here we are.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, Victoria's mom complains to her brother about how poor she feels and asks for money. He quickly delivers a NOPE, reminds her she lives in a frickin' palace, and recommends she dump Sir John and get back on Victoria's good side. Victoria's mom blinks slowly and responds, \u003cem>No, but for real, can I borrow ten dollars?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sometime later, Victoria is out in public to unveil a monument to her dead father. There are more soldiers than usual because the protestors are gaining steam. Some are even talking about pushing for women's right to vote. At this idea, Victoria laughs, \"Now, you are teasing me!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60182\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500\" width=\"340\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over who gets to help Victoria ascend a single small step. Victoria doesn't need help though; as we learned last week, her new rebel move is to confront staircases without holding onto people. You go, girl!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The moment she unveils the monument, protestors erupt in shouts and Victoria is whisked away to safety. Leopold pops up out of nowhere to remind Lord M that he's old and should stop flirting with his niece.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria plays with Lord M's telescope (this is not a dirty euphemism), while, across town, Lord M holds important papers and stares off into the distance. They're basically reenacting this scene, but with way more sexual tension:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_iRdgGZ6Xc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the Italian chef is losing his hotness by the syllable, as he badgers Babyface Maid over her mysterious past. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (Again, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, we don't care about these forced B plots.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, spooked by his conversation with Leopold, Lord M stays away from Buckingham Palace, but Victoria, not well-versed in play-hard-to-get or he's-just-not-that-into-you, jumps in an unmarked carriage and goes to his house. Their interaction goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Victoria: \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60191\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy (3)\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60192\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/hair-push-back.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60193\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/hair-push-back.gif\" alt=\"hair-push-back\" width=\"500\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60194\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\" alt=\"giphy (4)\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong> Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60196\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210.gif\" alt=\"Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60195\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif.gif\" alt=\"mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens up about how she thought Lord M was just a replacement father figure, but that she realized she wants him to be her daddy, in a sexual sense, too! Lord M says he can't do that because he's super busy being sad about his cheating, dead wife for the rest of his life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60197\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a.gif\" alt=\"be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria changes up her look (because nothing helps one get over a breakup more than a fierce makeover).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60199\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 5.09.27 PM\" width=\"750\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png 750w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-160x83.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-240x124.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-375x194.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-520x269.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Violet_come_through.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60200\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Violet_come_through.gif\" alt=\"Violet_come_through\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bunch of dignitaries arrive for a ball in Leopold's honor. Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over who will dance with Victoria first. Victoria chooses Russian Groper because hotness trumps foreignness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some hallway, Babyface Maid gets Mrs. Jenkins to spill on that letter she received from her sister. Turns out she has a nephew, whom she hasn't seen in a long while because servants don't get PTO privileges. He always said he would come visit her and he's finally coming to London....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60208\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500\" width=\"495\" height=\"249\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>... \"to be hanged and then to be cut open while he's still alive.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/brit-omg.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60209\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/brit-omg.gif\" alt=\"brit omg\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out he was part of the protesting movement. WOMP.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Lord M asks for a dance, even though he just stomped on Victoria's daddy-issue-filled heart. He brings up the relationship Queen Elizabeth I had with the Earl of Leicester. Like their situation, it was a will-they-won't-they, forbidden love thing that involved a dead wife. Victoria imagines the point of this story is to say, \u003cem>Screw it! Let's French kiss like it's 1559!\u003c/em> But his point is actually,\u003cem> I'm still just not that into you. Also: did you know I had a wife who cheated on me with Lord Byron?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next up in the dancing request line: Sir John, who spends the entire song telling Victoria she needs to snag a husband to \"keep her behavior in check\" and pop out some babies already. Get some new material, dude.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Russian Groper gives Victoria a fancy gift with their initials spelled out in diamonds, and then announces that he's going back to Russia to marry some princess his dad picked out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/huh-what.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60210\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/huh-what.gif\" alt=\"huh-what\" width=\"250\" height=\"203\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So much for #TeamRussianGroper.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Uncle Scar's pad, he's still grumpy over being a 67-year-old heir, who'll probably never be King. His wife cheers him up: \"Remember, even healthy women can die in childbirth!\" Wow. I feel really bad for \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederica_of_Mecklenburg-Strelitz\">the real-life woman\u003c/a> this character is based on. After a cursory dive into her Wikipedia page, I declare that this depiction is unfair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria tells Mrs. Jenkins and Babyface Maid that she wishes she was a man because corsets suck. They both put up praise hands and say, \u003cem>Amen! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mrs. Jenkins falls down for no reason and asks to be excused. Victoria is like, \u003cem>What's her damage? \u003c/em>Babyface Maid spills all the details about Mrs. Jenkins' nephew and how most non-royals think the punishment for protesting should be a bit more lenient than being sliced up and gutted. Victoria is like, \u003cem>Hmmmmm, maybe!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds Lord M and says she wants to sign a petition on whitehouse.gov or something to save the protestors' lives. He's like, \u003cem>Ummm, you're the Queen. You can just commute their sentences and set them up with new lives in Australia.\u003c/em> She's like, \u003cem>Cool, we'll do that, then!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a roll, Victoria runs off to take care of another bit of business. She informs Sir John and her mom that she will grant Sir John's request for money and a title in exchange for disappearing forever and ever. Shocked, Victoria's mom turns to Sir John to find out if he's really willing to drop her for a few coins. Sir John's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20781\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-5.gif\" alt=\"kanye shrug gif\" width=\"464\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria tries to make amends with her mother: \u003cem>Hey, sorry about sending away your best friend / maybe lover and for humiliating your cancer-stricken friend and speeding up her death. Here's some fancy lace and a bigger allowance. We cool? \u003c/em>Victoria's mom decides that they are.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria is painting a portrait of Elizabeth I. She tells Lord M she's decided to take a page from the former Queen's playbook and be single forever, while getting some on the side (*wink*). For the hundredth time, Lord M turns her down and tells her to maybe consider marrying her cousin Albert. This Albert better be hot, geez.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time later, Victoria is playing a dramatic song on the piano, while everyone sits around her, pretending not to be bored. Cut to two men descending stairs. Their boots have tassels on them. Their faces have mustaches on them. They walk in and everyone stands, but Victoria is too focused on her music to notice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert (rudely, in my opinion) walks up and distracts her mid-concerto. He says her name. With her eyes, she says, \u003cem>UM, WOAH, TOTALLY COOL WITH THIS MARRIAGE THING NOW.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/omy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60220\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/omy.gif\" alt=\"omy\" width=\"327\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Russian Groper. \u003c/strong>What a tease!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Victoria's Mom. \u003c/strong>Losing all your friends and being left with a daughter who hates you must be tough. Here's a pity prize to go with the fancy lace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003cstrong>The Protestors. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>What do they want? Basic voting rights! When do they want it? Preferably before they all die of starvation! Keep fighting, comrades.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> Elizabeth I. \u003c/strong>For inspiring independent women that they don't need a man (unless he's super-duper hot).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003cstrong>Mrs. Jenkins' Nephew's Guts. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>They get to stay inside of him! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
"disqusIdentifier": "56536 http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=56536",
"disqusUrl": "https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/",
"stats": {
"hasVideo": true,
"hasChartOrMap": false,
"hasAudio": false,
"hasPolis": false,
"wordCount": 2274,
"hasGoogleForm": false,
"hasGallery": false,
"hasHearkenModule": false,
"iframeSrcs": [],
"paragraphCount": 98
},
"modified": 1551664252,
"excerpt": "Victoria vows to be single forever (unless a really hot guy comes along).",
"headData": {
"twImgId": "",
"twTitle": "",
"ogTitle": "",
"ogImgId": "",
"twDescription": "",
"description": "Victoria vows to be single forever (unless a really hot guy comes along).",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies | KQED",
"ogDescription": "",
"schema": {
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "Article",
"headline": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies",
"datePublished": "2017-01-22T21:01:18-08:00",
"dateModified": "2019-03-03T17:50:52-08:00",
"image": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"
}
},
"guestAuthors": [],
"slug": "victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies",
"status": "publish",
"path": "/pop/56536/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies",
"audioTrackLength": null,
"parsedContent": [
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Our episode starts with a blinged-out, bored Victoria riding around town. Some people gather to watch her carriage pass:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60155\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 1.51.04 PM\" width=\"597\" height=\"579\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png 597w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-160x155.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-240x233.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-375x364.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-520x504.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-32x32.png 32w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 597px) 100vw, 597px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, elsewhere, a much larger crowd gathers to protest:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 1.50.51 PM\" width=\"588\" height=\"578\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png 588w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-160x157.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-240x236.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-375x369.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-520x511.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-32x32.png 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-50x50.png 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-64x64.png 64w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 588px) 100vw, 588px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"One Man, One Vote,\" the signs read. A reasonable request, right? Apparently not; soldiers aim rifles at the protestors, yell \"In the name of the Queen! Fire!!!\" and shoot everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "fullwidth"
},
"numeric": [
"fullwidth"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/f8a.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60157\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/f8a.gif\" alt=\"f8a\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Lord M agree that Queen Elizabeth I had it all figured out by staying single forever. Marriage just leads to unhappiness, divorce, or getting cuckolded by Lord Byron, so why bother?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria's uncle on her mother's side, Leopold, arrives to say passive-aggressive things about her height (we get it! she's short!) and how he would be living in Buckingham Palace if his wife hadn't died during childbirth (she preceded Victoria in the line of succession). For a country known for its stuffy manners, these people sure don't have any.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom doesn't waste any time conspiring with her brother about making Victoria marry their other sibling's son, Albert. If you're following along, yes, that means Albert is Victoria's first cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gross5_zps43ad1395.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60167\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gross5_zps43ad1395.gif\" alt=\"gross5_zps43ad1395\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/raw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/raw.gif\" alt=\"raw\" width=\"244\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60169\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (1)\" width=\"310\" height=\"205\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Disgusted-Grandma.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60166\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Disgusted-Grandma.gif\" alt=\"Disgusted-Grandma\" width=\"389\" height=\"221\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And before you leave a comment, yes, I'm aware that this sort of thing occurs often in royal families to keep alliances strong, but it doesn't make the fact that Victoria and Albert share the same grandparents any less gross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Never one to miss an opportunity to beat a dead horse, Sir John randomly chimes in from the sidelines: \"YOU NEED A HUSBAND!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries.gif\" alt=\"Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries\" width=\"500\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria announces that they can continue discussing how she's nothing without a husband, but that she has to go govern now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar is upset that he's not the only power-hungry uncle around. Scar's wife has a solution: why doesn't Uncle Scar try to make Victoria marry George, one of the first cousins on her father's side?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1456.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60173\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1456.gif\" alt=\"1456\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M finds Victoria to tell her two things:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Ew! Your first cousin?!\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Some starving poor people are protesting for their civil rights and getting shot.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Victoria is like, \u003cem>Oh, that's weird. Anyway, I can't wait to dance with you at the opera tonight! \u003c/em>Somewhere, Marie Antoinette's headless ghost is floating around, wailing, \u003cem>You chop off my head for wanting to share some cake, but she gets away with this? Come on!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the servants pick sides -- #TeamRussianGroper, #TeamCousinAlbert, #TeamCousinGeorge, #TeamLordM -- and place bets. They're all wrong. \u003ca href=\"http://foreveryoungadult.com/_uploads/images2/gilmoregirlsjessandrory.jpg\">#TeamJess\u003c/a> all the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the opera, Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over Victoria with mean looks, while Leopold creepily stalks Victoria through binoculars.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the performance, Uncle Leopold threatens Victoria with the idea that, if she doesn't take the safe, incestuous choice with Albert and instead marries Lord M, protestors will burn everything to the ground and probably kill her. Victoria obliterates him back into his proper place with this royal clapback:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I think you forget that I'm of a royal line that stretches back 1,000 years, whilst you're the king of Belgium, a country that did not exist a decade ago.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/xgz9nkR.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60181\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/xgz9nkR.gif\" alt=\"xgz9nkR\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, lead maid Ms. Jenkins gets an upsetting note from her sister, but doesn't want to talk about it. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, you don't have to force a \"downstairs\" narrative in an attempt to be \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>. You'll never be \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, and that's okay.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Lord M trot around on horseback, talking about boys. The verdict: Russian Groper is hot and gets what it's like to be a spoiled royal, but is he too foreign? As for Cousin George, he's the worst, but an incestuous English marriage would be super popular with the people. Decisions, decisions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know who else is English? Lord M! He and Victoria stop just short of winking at each other and licking their lips. (Fun fact: in real life, Lord M was 40 YEARS OLDER than Victoria, and they didn't like each other in that way. But reality makes for dull television, so here we are.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, Victoria's mom complains to her brother about how poor she feels and asks for money. He quickly delivers a NOPE, reminds her she lives in a frickin' palace, and recommends she dump Sir John and get back on Victoria's good side. Victoria's mom blinks slowly and responds, \u003cem>No, but for real, can I borrow ten dollars?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sometime later, Victoria is out in public to unveil a monument to her dead father. There are more soldiers than usual because the protestors are gaining steam. Some are even talking about pushing for women's right to vote. At this idea, Victoria laughs, \"Now, you are teasing me!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60182\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500\" width=\"340\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over who gets to help Victoria ascend a single small step. Victoria doesn't need help though; as we learned last week, her new rebel move is to confront staircases without holding onto people. You go, girl!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The moment she unveils the monument, protestors erupt in shouts and Victoria is whisked away to safety. Leopold pops up out of nowhere to remind Lord M that he's old and should stop flirting with his niece.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria plays with Lord M's telescope (this is not a dirty euphemism), while, across town, Lord M holds important papers and stares off into the distance. They're basically reenacting this scene, but with way more sexual tension:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/l_iRdgGZ6Xc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/l_iRdgGZ6Xc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Downstairs, the Italian chef is losing his hotness by the syllable, as he badgers Babyface Maid over her mysterious past. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (Again, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, we don't care about these forced B plots.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, spooked by his conversation with Leopold, Lord M stays away from Buckingham Palace, but Victoria, not well-versed in play-hard-to-get or he's-just-not-that-into-you, jumps in an unmarked carriage and goes to his house. Their interaction goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Victoria: \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60191\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy (3)\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60192\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/hair-push-back.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60193\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/hair-push-back.gif\" alt=\"hair-push-back\" width=\"500\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60194\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\" alt=\"giphy (4)\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong> Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60196\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210.gif\" alt=\"Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60195\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif.gif\" alt=\"mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens up about how she thought Lord M was just a replacement father figure, but that she realized she wants him to be her daddy, in a sexual sense, too! Lord M says he can't do that because he's super busy being sad about his cheating, dead wife for the rest of his life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60197\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a.gif\" alt=\"be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria changes up her look (because nothing helps one get over a breakup more than a fierce makeover).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60199\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 5.09.27 PM\" width=\"750\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png 750w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-160x83.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-240x124.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-375x194.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-520x269.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Violet_come_through.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60200\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Violet_come_through.gif\" alt=\"Violet_come_through\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bunch of dignitaries arrive for a ball in Leopold's honor. Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over who will dance with Victoria first. Victoria chooses Russian Groper because hotness trumps foreignness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some hallway, Babyface Maid gets Mrs. Jenkins to spill on that letter she received from her sister. Turns out she has a nephew, whom she hasn't seen in a long while because servants don't get PTO privileges. He always said he would come visit her and he's finally coming to London....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60208\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500\" width=\"495\" height=\"249\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>... \"to be hanged and then to be cut open while he's still alive.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/brit-omg.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60209\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/brit-omg.gif\" alt=\"brit omg\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out he was part of the protesting movement. WOMP.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Lord M asks for a dance, even though he just stomped on Victoria's daddy-issue-filled heart. He brings up the relationship Queen Elizabeth I had with the Earl of Leicester. Like their situation, it was a will-they-won't-they, forbidden love thing that involved a dead wife. Victoria imagines the point of this story is to say, \u003cem>Screw it! Let's French kiss like it's 1559!\u003c/em> But his point is actually,\u003cem> I'm still just not that into you. Also: did you know I had a wife who cheated on me with Lord Byron?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next up in the dancing request line: Sir John, who spends the entire song telling Victoria she needs to snag a husband to \"keep her behavior in check\" and pop out some babies already. Get some new material, dude.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Russian Groper gives Victoria a fancy gift with their initials spelled out in diamonds, and then announces that he's going back to Russia to marry some princess his dad picked out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/huh-what.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60210\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/huh-what.gif\" alt=\"huh-what\" width=\"250\" height=\"203\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So much for #TeamRussianGroper.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Uncle Scar's pad, he's still grumpy over being a 67-year-old heir, who'll probably never be King. His wife cheers him up: \"Remember, even healthy women can die in childbirth!\" Wow. I feel really bad for \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederica_of_Mecklenburg-Strelitz\">the real-life woman\u003c/a> this character is based on. After a cursory dive into her Wikipedia page, I declare that this depiction is unfair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria tells Mrs. Jenkins and Babyface Maid that she wishes she was a man because corsets suck. They both put up praise hands and say, \u003cem>Amen! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mrs. Jenkins falls down for no reason and asks to be excused. Victoria is like, \u003cem>What's her damage? \u003c/em>Babyface Maid spills all the details about Mrs. Jenkins' nephew and how most non-royals think the punishment for protesting should be a bit more lenient than being sliced up and gutted. Victoria is like, \u003cem>Hmmmmm, maybe!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds Lord M and says she wants to sign a petition on whitehouse.gov or something to save the protestors' lives. He's like, \u003cem>Ummm, you're the Queen. You can just commute their sentences and set them up with new lives in Australia.\u003c/em> She's like, \u003cem>Cool, we'll do that, then!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a roll, Victoria runs off to take care of another bit of business. She informs Sir John and her mom that she will grant Sir John's request for money and a title in exchange for disappearing forever and ever. Shocked, Victoria's mom turns to Sir John to find out if he's really willing to drop her for a few coins. Sir John's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20781\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-5.gif\" alt=\"kanye shrug gif\" width=\"464\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria tries to make amends with her mother: \u003cem>Hey, sorry about sending away your best friend / maybe lover and for humiliating your cancer-stricken friend and speeding up her death. Here's some fancy lace and a bigger allowance. We cool? \u003c/em>Victoria's mom decides that they are.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria is painting a portrait of Elizabeth I. She tells Lord M she's decided to take a page from the former Queen's playbook and be single forever, while getting some on the side (*wink*). For the hundredth time, Lord M turns her down and tells her to maybe consider marrying her cousin Albert. This Albert better be hot, geez.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time later, Victoria is playing a dramatic song on the piano, while everyone sits around her, pretending not to be bored. Cut to two men descending stairs. Their boots have tassels on them. Their faces have mustaches on them. They walk in and everyone stands, but Victoria is too focused on her music to notice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert (rudely, in my opinion) walks up and distracts her mid-concerto. He says her name. With her eyes, she says, \u003cem>UM, WOAH, TOTALLY COOL WITH THIS MARRIAGE THING NOW.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/omy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60220\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/omy.gif\" alt=\"omy\" width=\"327\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Russian Groper. \u003c/strong>What a tease!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Victoria's Mom. \u003c/strong>Losing all your friends and being left with a daughter who hates you must be tough. Here's a pity prize to go with the fancy lace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003cstrong>The Protestors. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>What do they want? Basic voting rights! When do they want it? Preferably before they all die of starvation! Keep fighting, comrades.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> Elizabeth I. \u003c/strong>For inspiring independent women that they don't need a man (unless he's super-duper hot).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003cstrong>Mrs. Jenkins' Nephew's Guts. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>They get to stay inside of him! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
},
{
"type": "component",
"content": "",
"name": "ad",
"attributes": {
"named": {
"label": "floatright"
},
"numeric": [
"floatright"
]
}
},
{
"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
"attributes": {
"named": {},
"numeric": []
}
}
],
"link": "/pop/56536/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies",
"authors": [
"27"
],
"categories": [
"pop_3"
],
"tags": [
"pop_8",
"pop_2931"
],
"featImg": "pop_60231",
"label": "pop"
}
},
"podcastsReducer": {
"isFetching": false,
"fetchFailed": false,
"hasFetched": false,
"podcasts": {}
},
"radioProgramsReducer": {
"isFetching": false,
"fetchFailed": false,
"hasFetched": false,
"radioPrograms": {}
},
"programsReducer": {
"all-things-considered": {
"id": "all-things-considered",
"title": "All Things Considered",
"info": "Every weekday, \u003cem>All Things Considered\u003c/em> hosts Robert Siegel, Audie Cornish, Ari Shapiro, and Kelly McEvers present the program's trademark mix of news, interviews, commentaries, reviews, and offbeat features. Michel Martin hosts on the weekends.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 1pm-2pm, 4:30pm-6:30pm\u003cbr />SAT-SUN 5pm-6pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/All-Things-Considered-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/programs/all-things-considered/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/all-things-considered"
},
"american-suburb-podcast": {
"id": "american-suburb-podcast",
"title": "American Suburb: The Podcast",
"tagline": "The flip side of gentrification, told through one town",
"info": "Gentrification is changing cities across America, forcing people from neighborhoods they have long called home. Call them the displaced. Now those priced out of the Bay Area are looking for a better life in an unlikely place. American Suburb follows this migration to one California town along the Delta, 45 miles from San Francisco. But is this once sleepy suburb ready for them?",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/American-Suburb-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/news/series/american-suburb-podcast",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 19
},
"link": "/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/RBrW",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?mt=2&id=1287748328",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/American-Suburb-p1086805/",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/feed/podcast",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkMzMDExODgxNjA5"
}
},
"baycurious": {
"id": "baycurious",
"title": "Bay Curious",
"tagline": "Exploring the Bay Area, one question at a time",
"info": "KQED’s new podcast, Bay Curious, gets to the bottom of the mysteries — both profound and peculiar — that give the Bay Area its unique identity. And we’ll do it with your help! You ask the questions. You decide what Bay Curious investigates. And you join us on the journey to find the answers.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Bay-Curious-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Bay Curious",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/news/series/baycurious",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 3
},
"link": "/podcasts/baycurious",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bay-curious/id1172473406",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/500557090/bay-curious",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/category/bay-curious-podcast/feed/podcast",
"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/9a90d476-aa04-455d-9a4c-0871ed6216d4/bay-curious",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/bay-curious",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/6O76IdmhixfijmhTZLIJ8k"
}
},
"bbc-world-service": {
"id": "bbc-world-service",
"title": "BBC World Service",
"info": "The day's top stories from BBC News compiled twice daily in the week, once at weekends.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 9pm-10pm, TUE-FRI 1am-2am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/BBC-World-Service-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/live:bbc_world_service",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "BBC World Service"
},
"link": "/radio/program/bbc-world-service",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/global-news-podcast/id135067274?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/BBC-World-Service-p455581/",
"rss": "https://podcasts.files.bbci.co.uk/p02nq0gn.rss"
}
},
"californiareport": {
"id": "californiareport",
"title": "The California Report",
"tagline": "California, day by day",
"info": "KQED’s statewide radio news program providing daily coverage of issues, trends and public policy decisions.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-California-Report-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED The California Report",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/californiareport",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 8
},
"link": "/californiareport",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/kqeds-the-california-report/id79681292",
"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/26099305-72af-4542-9dde-ac1807fe36d5/kqed-s-the-california-report",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/432285393/the-california-report",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqedfm-kqeds-the-california-report-podcast-8838",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/tag/tcram/feed/podcast"
}
},
"californiareportmagazine": {
"id": "californiareportmagazine",
"title": "The California Report Magazine",
"tagline": "Your state, your stories",
"info": "Every week, The California Report Magazine takes you on a road trip for the ears: to visit the places and meet the people who make California unique. The in-depth storytelling podcast from the California Report.",
"airtime": "FRI 4:30pm-5pm, 6:30pm-7pm, 11pm-11:30pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-California-Report-Magazine-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED The California Report Magazine",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/californiareportmagazine",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 10
},
"link": "/californiareportmagazine",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-california-report-magazine/id1314750545",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM3NjkwNjk1OTAz",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/564733126/the-california-report-magazine",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/the-california-report-magazine",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/tag/tcrmag/feed/podcast"
}
},
"city-arts": {
"id": "city-arts",
"title": "City Arts & Lectures",
"info": "A one-hour radio program to hear celebrated writers, artists and thinkers address contemporary ideas and values, often discussing the creative process. Please note: tapes or transcripts are not available",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/05/cityartsandlecture-300x300.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.cityarts.net/",
"airtime": "SUN 1pm-2pm, TUE 10pm, WED 1am",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "City Arts & Lectures"
},
"link": "https://www.cityarts.net",
"subscribe": {
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/City-Arts-and-Lectures-p692/",
"rss": "https://www.cityarts.net/feed/"
}
},
"closealltabs": {
"id": "closealltabs",
"title": "Close All Tabs",
"tagline": "Your irreverent guide to the trends redefining our world",
"info": "Close All Tabs breaks down how digital culture shapes our world through thoughtful insights and irreverent humor.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/CAT_2_Tile-scaled.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Close All Tabs",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/closealltabs",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 1
},
"link": "/podcasts/closealltabs",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/close-all-tabs/id214663465",
"rss": "https://feeds.megaphone.fm/KQINC6993880386",
"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/92d9d4ac-67a3-4eed-b10a-fb45d45b1ef2/close-all-tabs",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/6LAJFHnGK1pYXYzv6SIol6?si=deb0cae19813417c"
}
},
"code-switch-life-kit": {
"id": "code-switch-life-kit",
"title": "Code Switch / Life Kit",
"info": "\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em>, which listeners will hear in the first part of the hour, has fearless and much-needed conversations about race. Hosted by journalists of color, the show tackles the subject of race head-on, exploring how it impacts every part of society — from politics and pop culture to history, sports and more.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em>, which will be in the second part of the hour, guides you through spaces and feelings no one prepares you for — from finances to mental health, from workplace microaggressions to imposter syndrome, from relationships to parenting. The show features experts with real world experience and shares their knowledge. Because everyone needs a little help being human.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510312/codeswitch\">\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/lifekit\">\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />",
"airtime": "SUN 9pm-10pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Code-Switch-Life-Kit-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/code-switch-life-kit",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/podcast/1112190608?mt=2&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnByLm9yZy9yc3MvcG9kY2FzdC5waHA_aWQ9NTEwMzEy",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/3bExJ9JQpkwNhoHvaIIuyV",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510312/podcast.xml"
}
},
"commonwealth-club": {
"id": "commonwealth-club",
"title": "Commonwealth Club of California Podcast",
"info": "The Commonwealth Club of California is the nation's oldest and largest public affairs forum. As a non-partisan forum, The Club brings to the public airwaves diverse viewpoints on important topics. The Club's weekly radio broadcast - the oldest in the U.S., dating back to 1924 - is carried across the nation on public radio stations and is now podcasting. Our website archive features audio of our recent programs, as well as selected speeches from our long and distinguished history. This podcast feed is usually updated twice a week and is always un-edited.",
"airtime": "THU 10pm, FRI 1am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Commonwealth-Club-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.commonwealthclub.org/podcasts",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "Commonwealth Club of California"
},
"link": "/radio/program/commonwealth-club",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/commonwealth-club-of-california-podcast/id976334034?mt=2",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cDovL3d3dy5jb21tb253ZWFsdGhjbHViLm9yZy9hdWRpby9wb2RjYXN0L3dlZWtseS54bWw",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/Commonwealth-Club-of-California-p1060/"
}
},
"forum": {
"id": "forum",
"title": "Forum",
"tagline": "The conversation starts here",
"info": "KQED’s live call-in program discussing local, state, national and international issues, as well as in-depth interviews.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 9am-11am, 10pm-11pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Forum-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Forum with Mina Kim and Alexis Madrigal",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/forum",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 9
},
"link": "/forum",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/kqeds-forum/id73329719",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM5NTU3MzgxNjMz",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/432307980/forum",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqedfm-kqeds-forum-podcast",
"rss": "https://feeds.megaphone.fm/KQINC9557381633"
}
},
"freakonomics-radio": {
"id": "freakonomics-radio",
"title": "Freakonomics Radio",
"info": "Freakonomics Radio is a one-hour award-winning podcast and public-radio project hosted by Stephen Dubner, with co-author Steve Levitt as a regular guest. It is produced in partnership with WNYC.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2018/05/freakonomicsRadio.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "http://freakonomics.com/",
"airtime": "SUN 1am-2am, SAT 3pm-4pm",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "WNYC"
},
"link": "/radio/program/freakonomics-radio",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/4s8b",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/freakonomics-radio/id354668519",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/WNYC-Podcasts/Freakonomics-Radio-p272293/",
"rss": "https://feeds.feedburner.com/freakonomicsradio"
}
},
"fresh-air": {
"id": "fresh-air",
"title": "Fresh Air",
"info": "Hosted by Terry Gross, \u003cem>Fresh Air from WHYY\u003c/em> is the Peabody Award-winning weekday magazine of contemporary arts and issues. One of public radio's most popular programs, Fresh Air features intimate conversations with today's biggest luminaries.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 7pm-8pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Fresh-Air-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/programs/fresh-air/",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/fresh-air",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/4s8b",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=214089682&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/Fresh-Air-p17/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/381444908/podcast.xml"
}
},
"here-and-now": {
"id": "here-and-now",
"title": "Here & Now",
"info": "A live production of NPR and WBUR Boston, in collaboration with stations across the country, Here & Now reflects the fluid world of news as it's happening in the middle of the day, with timely, in-depth news, interviews and conversation. Hosted by Robin Young, Jeremy Hobson and Tonya Mosley.",
"airtime": "MON-THU 11am-12pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Here-And-Now-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "http://www.wbur.org/hereandnow",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/here-and-now",
"subsdcribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?mt=2&id=426698661",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/Here--Now-p211/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510051/podcast.xml"
}
},
"hidden-brain": {
"id": "hidden-brain",
"title": "Hidden Brain",
"info": "Shankar Vedantam uses science and storytelling to reveal the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, shape our choices and direct our relationships.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/05/hiddenbrain.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/series/423302056/hidden-brain",
"airtime": "SUN 7pm-8pm",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "NPR"
},
"link": "/radio/program/hidden-brain",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/Science-Podcasts/Hidden-Brain-p787503/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510308/podcast.xml"
}
},
"how-i-built-this": {
"id": "how-i-built-this",
"title": "How I Built This with Guy Raz",
"info": "Guy Raz dives into the stories behind some of the world's best known companies. How I Built This weaves a narrative journey about innovators, entrepreneurs and idealists—and the movements they built.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2018/05/howIBuiltThis.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510313/how-i-built-this",
"airtime": "SUN 7:30pm-8pm",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/how-i-built-this",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/3zxy",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/how-i-built-this-with-guy-raz/id1150510297?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/Arts--Culture-Podcasts/How-I-Built-This-p910896/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510313/podcast.xml"
}
},
"hyphenacion": {
"id": "hyphenacion",
"title": "Hyphenación",
"tagline": "Where conversation and cultura meet",
"info": "What kind of no sabo word is Hyphenación? For us, it’s about living within a hyphenation. Like being a third-gen Mexican-American from the Texas border now living that Bay Area Chicano life. Like Xorje! Each week we bring together a couple of hyphenated Latinos to talk all about personal life choices: family, careers, relationships, belonging … everything is on the table. ",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Hyphenacion_FinalAssets_PodcastTile.png",
"imageAlt": "KQED Hyphenación",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/hyphenacion",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 15
},
"link": "/podcasts/hyphenacion",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hyphenaci%C3%B3n/id1191591838",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/2p3Fifq96nw9BPcmFdIq0o?si=39209f7b25774f38",
"youtube": "https://www.youtube.com/c/kqedarts",
"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/6c3dd23c-93fb-4aab-97ba-1725fa6315f1/hyphenaci%C3%B3n",
"rss": "https://feeds.megaphone.fm/KQINC2275451163"
}
},
"jerrybrown": {
"id": "jerrybrown",
"title": "The Political Mind of Jerry Brown",
"tagline": "Lessons from a lifetime in politics",
"info": "The Political Mind of Jerry Brown brings listeners the wisdom of the former Governor, Mayor, and presidential candidate. Scott Shafer interviewed Brown for more than 40 hours, covering the former governor's life and half-century in the political game – and Brown has some lessons he'd like to share. ",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-Political-Mind-of-Jerry-Brown-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED The Political Mind of Jerry Brown",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/jerrybrown",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 18
},
"link": "/podcasts/jerrybrown",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/790253322/the-political-mind-of-jerry-brown",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1492194549",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/series/jerrybrown/feed/podcast/",
"tuneIn": "http://tun.in/pjGcK",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/the-political-mind-of-jerry-brown",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/54C1dmuyFyKMFttY6X2j6r?si=K8SgRCoISNK6ZbjpXrX5-w",
"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/44420f75-3b0e-4301-ab3b-16da6b09e543/the-political-mind-of-jerry-brown"
}
},
"latino-usa": {
"id": "latino-usa",
"title": "Latino USA",
"airtime": "MON 1am-2am, SUN 6pm-7pm",
"info": "Latino USA, the radio journal of news and culture, is the only national, English-language radio program produced from a Latino perspective.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/latinoUsa.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "http://latinousa.org/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/latino-usa",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/xtTd",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=79681317&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/Latino-USA-p621/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510016/podcast.xml"
}
},
"marketplace": {
"id": "marketplace",
"title": "Marketplace",
"info": "Our flagship program, helmed by Kai Ryssdal, examines what the day in money delivered, through stories, conversations, newsworthy numbers and more. Updated Monday through Friday at about 3:30 p.m. PT.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 4pm-4:30pm, MON-WED 6:30pm-7pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Marketplace-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.marketplace.org/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "American Public Media"
},
"link": "/radio/program/marketplace",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=201853034&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/APM-Marketplace-p88/",
"rss": "https://feeds.publicradio.org/public_feeds/marketplace-pm/rss/rss"
}
},
"masters-of-scale": {
"id": "masters-of-scale",
"title": "Masters of Scale",
"info": "Masters of Scale is an original podcast in which LinkedIn co-founder and Greylock Partner Reid Hoffman sets out to describe and prove theories that explain how great entrepreneurs take their companies from zero to a gazillion in ingenious fashion.",
"airtime": "Every other Wednesday June 12 through October 16 at 8pm (repeats Thursdays at 2am)",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Masters-of-Scale-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://mastersofscale.com/",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "WaitWhat"
},
"link": "/radio/program/masters-of-scale",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "http://mastersofscale.app.link/",
"rss": "https://rss.art19.com/masters-of-scale"
}
},
"mindshift": {
"id": "mindshift",
"title": "MindShift",
"tagline": "A podcast about the future of learning and how we raise our kids",
"info": "The MindShift podcast explores the innovations in education that are shaping how kids learn. Hosts Ki Sung and Katrina Schwartz introduce listeners to educators, researchers, parents and students who are developing effective ways to improve how kids learn. We cover topics like how fed-up administrators are developing surprising tactics to deal with classroom disruptions; how listening to podcasts are helping kids develop reading skills; the consequences of overparenting; and why interdisciplinary learning can engage students on all ends of the traditional achievement spectrum. This podcast is part of the MindShift education site, a division of KQED News. KQED is an NPR/PBS member station based in San Francisco. You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Mindshift-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED MindShift: How We Will Learn",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/mindshift/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 12
},
"link": "/podcasts/mindshift",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mindshift-podcast/id1078765985",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM1NzY0NjAwNDI5",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/464615685/mind-shift-podcast",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/stories-teachers-share",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/0MxSpNYZKNprFLCl7eEtyx"
}
},
"morning-edition": {
"id": "morning-edition",
"title": "Morning Edition",
"info": "\u003cem>Morning Edition\u003c/em> takes listeners around the country and the world with multi-faceted stories and commentaries every weekday. Hosts Steve Inskeep, David Greene and Rachel Martin bring you the latest breaking news and features to prepare you for the day.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 3am-9am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Morning-Edition-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/programs/morning-edition/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/morning-edition"
},
"onourwatch": {
"id": "onourwatch",
"title": "On Our Watch",
"tagline": "Deeply-reported investigative journalism",
"info": "For decades, the process for how police police themselves has been inconsistent – if not opaque. In some states, like California, these proceedings were completely hidden. After a new police transparency law unsealed scores of internal affairs files, our reporters set out to examine these cases and the shadow world of police discipline. On Our Watch brings listeners into the rooms where officers are questioned and witnesses are interrogated to find out who this system is really protecting. Is it the officers, or the public they've sworn to serve?",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/On-Our-Watch-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "On Our Watch from NPR and KQED",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/onourwatch",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 11
},
"link": "/podcasts/onourwatch",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/podcast/id1567098962",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5ucHIub3JnLzUxMDM2MC9wb2RjYXN0LnhtbD9zYz1nb29nbGVwb2RjYXN0cw",
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/onourwatch",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/0OLWoyizopu6tY1XiuX70x",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/On-Our-Watch-p1436229/",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/show/on-our-watch",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510360/podcast.xml"
}
},
"on-the-media": {
"id": "on-the-media",
"title": "On The Media",
"info": "Our weekly podcast explores how the media 'sausage' is made, casts an incisive eye on fluctuations in the marketplace of ideas, and examines threats to the freedom of information and expression in America and abroad. For one hour a week, the show tries to lift the veil from the process of \"making media,\" especially news media, because it's through that lens that we see the world and the world sees us",
"airtime": "SUN 2pm-3pm, MON 12am-1am",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/onTheMedia.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.wnycstudios.org/shows/otm",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "wnyc"
},
"link": "/radio/program/on-the-media",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/on-the-media/id73330715?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/On-the-Media-p69/",
"rss": "http://feeds.wnyc.org/onthemedia"
}
},
"pbs-newshour": {
"id": "pbs-newshour",
"title": "PBS NewsHour",
"info": "Analysis, background reports and updates from the PBS NewsHour putting today's news in context.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 3pm-4pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/PBS-News-Hour-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.pbs.org/newshour/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "pbs"
},
"link": "/radio/program/pbs-newshour",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pbs-newshour-full-show/id394432287?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/PBS-NewsHour---Full-Show-p425698/",
"rss": "https://www.pbs.org/newshour/feeds/rss/podcasts/show"
}
},
"perspectives": {
"id": "perspectives",
"title": "Perspectives",
"tagline": "KQED's series of daily listener commentaries since 1991",
"info": "KQED's series of daily listener commentaries since 1991.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/Perspectives_Tile_Final.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Perspectives",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/perspectives/",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 14
},
"link": "/perspectives",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id73801135",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/432309616/perspectives",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/perspectives/category/perspectives/feed/",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93dzIua3FlZC5vcmcvcGVyc3BlY3RpdmVzL2NhdGVnb3J5L3BlcnNwZWN0aXZlcy9mZWVkLw"
}
},
"planet-money": {
"id": "planet-money",
"title": "Planet Money",
"info": "The economy explained. Imagine you could call up a friend and say, Meet me at the bar and tell me what's going on with the economy. Now imagine that's actually a fun evening.",
"airtime": "SUN 3pm-4pm",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/planetmoney.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/sections/money/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/planet-money",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/M4f5",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/planet-money/id290783428?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/Business--Economics-Podcasts/Planet-Money-p164680/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510289/podcast.xml"
}
},
"politicalbreakdown": {
"id": "politicalbreakdown",
"title": "Political Breakdown",
"tagline": "Politics from a personal perspective",
"info": "Political Breakdown is a new series that explores the political intersection of California and the nation. Each week hosts Scott Shafer and Marisa Lagos are joined with a new special guest to unpack politics -- with personality — and offer an insider’s glimpse at how politics happens.",
"airtime": "THU 6:30pm-7pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Political-Breakdown-2024-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Political Breakdown",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/politicalbreakdown",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 5
},
"link": "/podcasts/politicalbreakdown",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/political-breakdown/id1327641087",
"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/e0c2d153-ad36-4c8d-901d-f1da6a724824/political-breakdown",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/572155894/political-breakdown",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/political-breakdown",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/07RVyIjIdk2WDuVehvBMoN",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/tag/political-breakdown/feed/podcast"
}
},
"possible": {
"id": "possible",
"title": "Possible",
"info": "Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.",
"airtime": "SUN 2pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Possible-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.possible.fm/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "Possible"
},
"link": "/radio/program/possible",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/possible/id1677184070",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/730YpdUSNlMyPQwNnyjp4k"
}
},
"pri-the-world": {
"id": "pri-the-world",
"title": "PRI's The World: Latest Edition",
"info": "Each weekday, host Marco Werman and his team of producers bring you the world's most interesting stories in an hour of radio that reminds us just how small our planet really is.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 2pm-3pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-World-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.pri.org/programs/the-world",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "PRI"
},
"link": "/radio/program/pri-the-world",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pris-the-world-latest-edition/id278196007?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/News--Politics-Podcasts/PRIs-The-World-p24/",
"rss": "http://feeds.feedburner.com/pri/theworld"
}
},
"radiolab": {
"id": "radiolab",
"title": "Radiolab",
"info": "A two-time Peabody Award-winner, Radiolab is an investigation told through sounds and stories, and centered around one big idea. In the Radiolab world, information sounds like music and science and culture collide. Hosted by Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich, the show is designed for listeners who demand skepticism, but appreciate wonder. WNYC Studios is the producer of other leading podcasts including Freakonomics Radio, Death, Sex & Money, On the Media and many more.",
"airtime": "SUN 12am-1am, SAT 2pm-3pm",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/radiolab1400.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.wnycstudios.org/shows/radiolab/",
"meta": {
"site": "science",
"source": "WNYC"
},
"link": "/radio/program/radiolab",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/radiolab/id152249110?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/RadioLab-p68032/",
"rss": "https://feeds.wnyc.org/radiolab"
}
},
"reveal": {
"id": "reveal",
"title": "Reveal",
"info": "Created by The Center for Investigative Reporting and PRX, Reveal is public radios first one-hour weekly radio show and podcast dedicated to investigative reporting. Credible, fact based and without a partisan agenda, Reveal combines the power and artistry of driveway moment storytelling with data-rich reporting on critically important issues. The result is stories that inform and inspire, arming our listeners with information to right injustices, hold the powerful accountable and improve lives.Reveal is hosted by Al Letson and showcases the award-winning work of CIR and newsrooms large and small across the nation. In a radio and podcast market crowded with choices, Reveal focuses on important and often surprising stories that illuminate the world for our listeners.",
"airtime": "SAT 4pm-5pm",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/reveal300px.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.revealnews.org/episodes/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/reveal",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/reveal/id886009669",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/Reveal-p679597/",
"rss": "http://feeds.revealradio.org/revealpodcast"
}
},
"rightnowish": {
"id": "rightnowish",
"title": "Rightnowish",
"tagline": "Art is where you find it",
"info": "Rightnowish digs into life in the Bay Area right now… ish. Journalist Pendarvis Harshaw takes us to galleries painted on the sides of liquor stores in West Oakland. We'll dance in warehouses in the Bayview, make smoothies with kids in South Berkeley, and listen to classical music in a 1984 Cutlass Supreme in Richmond. Every week, Pen talks to movers and shakers about how the Bay Area shapes what they create, and how they shape the place we call home.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Rightnowish-Podcast-Tile-500x500-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Rightnowish with Pendarvis Harshaw",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/rightnowish",
"meta": {
"site": "arts",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 16
},
"link": "/podcasts/rightnowish",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/721590300/rightnowish",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/arts/programs/rightnowish/feed/podcast",
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rightnowish/id1482187648",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/rightnowish",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkMxMjU5MTY3NDc4",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/7kEJuafTzTVan7B78ttz1I"
}
},
"science-friday": {
"id": "science-friday",
"title": "Science Friday",
"info": "Science Friday is a weekly science talk show, broadcast live over public radio stations nationwide. Each week, the show focuses on science topics that are in the news and tries to bring an educated, balanced discussion to bear on the scientific issues at hand. Panels of expert guests join host Ira Flatow, a veteran science journalist, to discuss science and to take questions from listeners during the call-in portion of the program.",
"airtime": "FRI 11am-1pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Science-Friday-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.wnycstudios.org/shows/science-friday",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/science-friday",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=73329284&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/Science-Friday-p394/",
"rss": "http://feeds.wnyc.org/science-friday"
}
},
"snap-judgment": {
"id": "snap-judgment",
"title": "Snap Judgment",
"tagline": "Real stories with killer beats",
"info": "The Snap Judgment radio show and podcast mixes real stories with killer beats to produce cinematic, dramatic radio. Snap's musical brand of storytelling dares listeners to see the world through the eyes of another. This is storytelling... with a BEAT!! Snap first aired on public radio stations nationwide in July 2010. Today, Snap Judgment airs on over 450 public radio stations and is brought to the airwaves by KQED & PRX.",
"airtime": "SAT 1pm-2pm, 9pm-10pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/Snap-Judgment-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Snap Judgment",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://snapjudgment.org",
"meta": {
"site": "arts",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 4
},
"link": "https://snapjudgment.org",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/snap-judgment/id283657561",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/449018144/snap-judgment",
"stitcher": "https://www.pandora.com/podcast/snap-judgment/PC:241?source=stitcher-sunset",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/3Cct7ZWmxHNAtLgBTqjC5v",
"rss": "https://snap.feed.snapjudgment.org/"
}
},
"soldout": {
"id": "soldout",
"title": "SOLD OUT: Rethinking Housing in America",
"tagline": "A new future for housing",
"info": "Sold Out: Rethinking Housing in America",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Sold-Out-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Sold Out: Rethinking Housing in America",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/soldout",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 13
},
"link": "/podcasts/soldout",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/911586047/s-o-l-d-o-u-t-a-new-future-for-housing",
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/introducing-sold-out-rethinking-housing-in-america/id1531354937",
"rss": "https://feeds.megaphone.fm/soldout",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/38dTBSk2ISFoPiyYNoKn1X",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/sold-out-rethinking-housing-in-america",
"tunein": "https://tunein.com/radio/SOLD-OUT-Rethinking-Housing-in-America-p1365871/"
}
},
"spooked": {
"id": "spooked",
"title": "Spooked",
"tagline": "True-life supernatural stories",
"info": "",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Spooked-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Spooked",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://spookedpodcast.org/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 7
},
"link": "https://spookedpodcast.org/",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/spooked/id1279361017",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/549547848/snap-judgment-presents-spooked",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/76571Rfl3m7PLJQZKQIGCT",
"rss": "https://feeds.simplecast.com/TBotaapn"
}
},
"tech-nation": {
"id": "tech-nation",
"title": "Tech Nation Radio Podcast",
"info": "Tech Nation is a weekly public radio program, hosted by Dr. Moira Gunn. Founded in 1993, it has grown from a simple interview show to a multi-faceted production, featuring conversations with noted technology and science leaders, and a weekly science and technology-related commentary.",
"airtime": "FRI 10pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Tech-Nation-Radio-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "http://technation.podomatic.com/",
"meta": {
"site": "science",
"source": "Tech Nation Media"
},
"link": "/radio/program/tech-nation",
"subscribe": {
"rss": "https://technation.podomatic.com/rss2.xml"
}
},
"ted-radio-hour": {
"id": "ted-radio-hour",
"title": "TED Radio Hour",
"info": "The TED Radio Hour is a journey through fascinating ideas, astonishing inventions, fresh approaches to old problems, and new ways to think and create.",
"airtime": "SUN 3pm-4pm, SAT 10pm-11pm",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/tedRadioHour.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/programs/ted-radio-hour/?showDate=2018-06-22",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/ted-radio-hour",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/8vsS",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=523121474&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/TED-Radio-Hour-p418021/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510298/podcast.xml"
}
},
"thebay": {
"id": "thebay",
"title": "The Bay",
"tagline": "Local news to keep you rooted",
"info": "Host Devin Katayama walks you through the biggest story of the day with reporters and newsmakers.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-Bay-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED The Bay",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/thebay",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 2
},
"link": "/podcasts/thebay",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-bay/id1350043452",
"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/d800ea4c-7a2c-42f2-b861-edaf78a5db0b/the-bay",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/586725995/the-bay",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/the-bay",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/4BIKBKIujizLHlIlBNaAqQ",
"rss": "https://feeds.megaphone.fm/KQINC8259786327"
}
},
"thelatest": {
"id": "thelatest",
"title": "The Latest",
"tagline": "Trusted local news in real time",
"info": "",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/The-Latest-2025-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED The Latest",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/thelatest",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 6
},
"link": "/thelatest",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-latest-from-kqed/id1197721799",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/1257949365/the-latest-from-k-q-e-d",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/5KIIXMgM9GTi5AepwOYvIZ?si=bd3053fec7244dba",
"rss": "https://feeds.megaphone.fm/KQINC9137121918"
}
},
"theleap": {
"id": "theleap",
"title": "The Leap",
"tagline": "What if you closed your eyes, and jumped?",
"info": "Stories about people making dramatic, risky changes, told by award-winning public radio reporter Judy Campbell.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-Leap-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED The Leap",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/theleap",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 17
},
"link": "/podcasts/theleap",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-leap/id1046668171",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/447248267/the-leap",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/the-leap",
"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/3sSlVHHzU0ytLwuGs1SD1U",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/programs/the-leap/feed/podcast"
}
},
"the-moth-radio-hour": {
"id": "the-moth-radio-hour",
"title": "The Moth Radio Hour",
"info": "Since its launch in 1997, The Moth has presented thousands of true stories, told live and without notes, to standing-room-only crowds worldwide. Moth storytellers stand alone, under a spotlight, with only a microphone and a roomful of strangers. The storyteller and the audience embark on a high-wire act of shared experience which is both terrifying and exhilarating. Since 2008, The Moth podcast has featured many of our favorite stories told live on Moth stages around the country. For information on all of our programs and live events, visit themoth.org.",
"airtime": "SAT 8pm-9pm and SUN 11am-12pm",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/theMoth.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://themoth.org/",
"meta": {
"site": "arts",
"source": "prx"
},
"link": "/radio/program/the-moth-radio-hour",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-moth-podcast/id275699983?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/The-Moth-p273888/",
"rss": "http://feeds.themoth.org/themothpodcast"
}
},
"the-new-yorker-radio-hour": {
"id": "the-new-yorker-radio-hour",
"title": "The New Yorker Radio Hour",
"info": "The New Yorker Radio Hour is a weekly program presented by the magazine's editor, David Remnick, and produced by WNYC Studios and The New Yorker. Each episode features a diverse mix of interviews, profiles, storytelling, and an occasional burst of humor inspired by the magazine, and shaped by its writers, artists, and editors. This isn't a radio version of a magazine, but something all its own, reflecting the rich possibilities of audio storytelling and conversation. Theme music for the show was composed and performed by Merrill Garbus of tUnE-YArDs.",
"airtime": "SAT 10am-11am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-New-Yorker-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.wnycstudios.org/shows/tnyradiohour",
"meta": {
"site": "arts",
"source": "WNYC"
},
"link": "/radio/program/the-new-yorker-radio-hour",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1050430296",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/WNYC-Podcasts/New-Yorker-Radio-Hour-p803804/",
"rss": "https://feeds.feedburner.com/newyorkerradiohour"
}
},
"the-sam-sanders-show": {
"id": "the-sam-sanders-show",
"title": "The Sam Sanders Show",
"info": "One of public radio's most dynamic voices, Sam Sanders helped launch The NPR Politics Podcast and hosted NPR's hit show It's Been A Minute. Now, the award-winning host returns with something brand new, The Sam Sanders Show. Every week, Sam Sanders and friends dig into the culture that shapes our lives: what's driving the biggest trends, how artists really think, and even the memes you can't stop scrolling past. Sam is beloved for his way of unpacking the world and bringing you up close to fresh currents and engaging conversations. The Sam Sanders Show is smart, funny and always a good time.",
"airtime": "FRI 12-1pm AND SAT 11am-12pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/The-Sam-Sanders-Show-Podcast-Tile-400x400-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.kcrw.com/shows/the-sam-sanders-show/latest",
"meta": {
"site": "arts",
"source": "KCRW"
},
"link": "https://www.kcrw.com/shows/the-sam-sanders-show/latest",
"subscribe": {
"rss": "https://feed.cdnstream1.com/zjb/feed/download/ac/28/59/ac28594c-e1d0-4231-8728-61865cdc80e8.xml"
}
},
"the-splendid-table": {
"id": "the-splendid-table",
"title": "The Splendid Table",
"info": "\u003cem>The Splendid Table\u003c/em> hosts our nation's conversations about cooking, sustainability and food culture.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-Splendid-Table-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.splendidtable.org/",
"airtime": "SUN 10-11 pm",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/the-splendid-table"
},
"this-american-life": {
"id": "this-american-life",
"title": "This American Life",
"info": "This American Life is a weekly public radio show, heard by 2.2 million people on more than 500 stations. Another 2.5 million people download the weekly podcast. It is hosted by Ira Glass, produced in collaboration with Chicago Public Media, delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange, and has won all of the major broadcasting awards.",
"airtime": "SAT 12pm-1pm, 7pm-8pm",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/thisAmericanLife.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.thisamericanlife.org/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "wbez"
},
"link": "/radio/program/this-american-life",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=201671138&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
"rss": "https://www.thisamericanlife.org/podcast/rss.xml"
}
},
"tinydeskradio": {
"id": "tinydeskradio",
"title": "Tiny Desk Radio",
"info": "We're bringing the best of Tiny Desk to the airwaves, only on public radio.",
"airtime": "SUN 8pm and SAT 9pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/300x300-For-Member-Station-Logo-Tiny-Desk-Radio-@2x.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/series/g-s1-52030/tiny-desk-radio",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/tinydeskradio",
"subscribe": {
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/g-s1-52030/rss.xml"
}
},
"wait-wait-dont-tell-me": {
"id": "wait-wait-dont-tell-me",
"title": "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!",
"info": "Peter Sagal and Bill Kurtis host the weekly NPR News quiz show alongside some of the best and brightest news and entertainment personalities.",
"airtime": "SUN 10am-11am, SAT 11am-12pm, SAT 6pm-7pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Wait-Wait-Podcast-Tile-300x300-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/programs/wait-wait-dont-tell-me/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/wait-wait-dont-tell-me",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/Xogv",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=121493804&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/Wait-Wait-Dont-Tell-Me-p46/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/344098539/podcast.xml"
}
},
"weekend-edition-saturday": {
"id": "weekend-edition-saturday",
"title": "Weekend Edition Saturday",
"info": "Weekend Edition Saturday wraps up the week's news and offers a mix of analysis and features on a wide range of topics, including arts, sports, entertainment, and human interest stories. The two-hour program is hosted by NPR's Peabody Award-winning Scott Simon.",
"airtime": "SAT 5am-10am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Weekend-Edition-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/programs/weekend-edition-saturday/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/weekend-edition-saturday"
},
"weekend-edition-sunday": {
"id": "weekend-edition-sunday",
"title": "Weekend Edition Sunday",
"info": "Weekend Edition Sunday features interviews with newsmakers, artists, scientists, politicians, musicians, writers, theologians and historians. The program has covered news events from Nelson Mandela's 1990 release from a South African prison to the capture of Saddam Hussein.",
"airtime": "SUN 5am-10am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Weekend-Edition-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/programs/weekend-edition-sunday/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/weekend-edition-sunday"
}
},
"racesReducer": {},
"racesGenElectionReducer": {},
"racesGenElection2026Reducer": {},
"radioSchedulesReducer": {},
"listsReducer": {
"posts/pop?tag=recaps": {
"isFetching": false,
"latestQuery": {
"from": 36,
"size": 12
},
"vitalsOnly": false,
"totalRequested": 12,
"isLoading": false,
"isLoadingMore": true,
"total": {
"value": 95,
"relation": "eq"
},
"items": [
"pop_96597",
"pop_96595",
"pop_96593",
"pop_96591",
"pop_96590",
"pop_96255",
"pop_56546",
"pop_56544",
"pop_63683",
"pop_56540",
"pop_56538",
"pop_56536"
],
"complete": true
}
},
"recallGuideReducer": {
"intros": {},
"policy": {},
"candidates": {}
},
"savedArticleReducer": {
"articles": [],
"status": {}
},
"newslettersReducer": {
"isFetching": false,
"fetchFailed": false,
"hasFetched": false,
"newsletters": {},
"isSubscribing": false,
"isUnsubscribing": false,
"subscribedNewsletters": {}
},
"termsReducer": {
"about": {
"name": "About",
"type": "terms",
"id": "about",
"slug": "about",
"link": "/about",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"arts": {
"name": "Arts & Culture",
"grouping": [
"arts",
"pop",
"trulyca"
],
"description": "KQED Arts provides daily in-depth coverage of the Bay Area's music, art, film, performing arts, literature and arts news, as well as cultural commentary and criticism.",
"type": "terms",
"id": "arts",
"slug": "arts",
"link": "/arts",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"artschool": {
"name": "Art School",
"parent": "arts",
"type": "terms",
"id": "artschool",
"slug": "artschool",
"link": "/artschool",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"bayareabites": {
"name": "KQED food",
"grouping": [
"food",
"bayareabites",
"checkplease"
],
"parent": "food",
"type": "terms",
"id": "bayareabites",
"slug": "bayareabites",
"link": "/food",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"bayareahiphop": {
"name": "Bay Area Hiphop",
"type": "terms",
"id": "bayareahiphop",
"slug": "bayareahiphop",
"link": "/bayareahiphop",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"campaign21": {
"name": "Campaign 21",
"type": "terms",
"id": "campaign21",
"slug": "campaign21",
"link": "/campaign21",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"careers": {
"name": "Careers",
"type": "terms",
"id": "careers",
"slug": "careers",
"link": "/careers",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"checkplease": {
"name": "KQED food",
"grouping": [
"food",
"bayareabites",
"checkplease"
],
"parent": "food",
"type": "terms",
"id": "checkplease",
"slug": "checkplease",
"link": "/food",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"education": {
"name": "Education",
"grouping": [
"education"
],
"type": "terms",
"id": "education",
"slug": "education",
"link": "/education",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"elections": {
"name": "Elections",
"type": "terms",
"id": "elections",
"slug": "elections",
"link": "/elections",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"events": {
"name": "Events",
"type": "terms",
"id": "events",
"slug": "events",
"link": "/events",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"event": {
"name": "Event",
"alias": "events",
"type": "terms",
"id": "event",
"slug": "event",
"link": "/event",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"filmschoolshorts": {
"name": "Film School Shorts",
"type": "terms",
"id": "filmschoolshorts",
"slug": "filmschoolshorts",
"link": "/filmschoolshorts",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"food": {
"name": "KQED food",
"grouping": [
"food",
"bayareabites",
"checkplease"
],
"type": "terms",
"id": "food",
"slug": "food",
"link": "/food",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"forum": {
"name": "Forum",
"relatedContentQuery": "posts/forum?",
"parent": "news",
"type": "terms",
"id": "forum",
"slug": "forum",
"link": "/forum",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"futureofyou": {
"name": "Future of You",
"grouping": [
"science",
"futureofyou"
],
"parent": "science",
"type": "terms",
"id": "futureofyou",
"slug": "futureofyou",
"link": "/futureofyou",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"jpepinheart": {
"name": "KQED food",
"relatedContentQuery": "posts/food,bayareabites,checkplease",
"parent": "food",
"type": "terms",
"id": "jpepinheart",
"slug": "jpepinheart",
"link": "/food",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"liveblog": {
"name": "Live Blog",
"type": "terms",
"id": "liveblog",
"slug": "liveblog",
"link": "/liveblog",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"livetv": {
"name": "Live TV",
"parent": "tv",
"type": "terms",
"id": "livetv",
"slug": "livetv",
"link": "/livetv",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"lowdown": {
"name": "The Lowdown",
"relatedContentQuery": "posts/lowdown?",
"parent": "news",
"type": "terms",
"id": "lowdown",
"slug": "lowdown",
"link": "/lowdown",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"mindshift": {
"name": "Mindshift",
"parent": "news",
"description": "MindShift explores the future of education by highlighting the innovative – and sometimes counterintuitive – ways educators and parents are helping all children succeed.",
"type": "terms",
"id": "mindshift",
"slug": "mindshift",
"link": "/mindshift",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"news": {
"name": "News",
"grouping": [
"news",
"forum"
],
"type": "terms",
"id": "news",
"slug": "news",
"link": "/news",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"newsletters": {
"name": "newsletters",
"type": "terms",
"id": "newsletters",
"slug": "newsletters",
"link": "/newsletters",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"perspectives": {
"name": "Perspectives",
"parent": "radio",
"type": "terms",
"id": "perspectives",
"slug": "perspectives",
"link": "/perspectives",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"podcasts": {
"name": "Podcasts",
"type": "terms",
"id": "podcasts",
"slug": "podcasts",
"link": "/podcasts",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"pop": {
"name": "Pop",
"parent": "arts",
"type": "terms",
"id": "pop",
"slug": "pop",
"link": "/pop",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"pressroom": {
"name": "Pressroom",
"type": "terms",
"id": "pressroom",
"slug": "pressroom",
"link": "/pressroom",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"quest": {
"name": "Quest",
"parent": "science",
"type": "terms",
"id": "quest",
"slug": "quest",
"link": "/quest",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"radio": {
"name": "Radio",
"grouping": [
"forum",
"perspectives"
],
"description": "Listen to KQED Public Radio – home of Forum and The California Report – on 88.5 FM in San Francisco, 89.3 FM in Sacramento, 88.3 FM in Santa Rosa and 88.1 FM in Martinez.",
"type": "terms",
"id": "radio",
"slug": "radio",
"link": "/radio",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"root": {
"name": "KQED",
"image": "https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png",
"imageWidth": 1200,
"imageHeight": 630,
"headData": {
"title": "KQED | News, Radio, Podcasts, TV | Public Media for Northern California",
"description": "KQED provides public radio, television, and independent reporting on issues that matter to the Bay Area. We’re the NPR and PBS member station for Northern California."
},
"type": "terms",
"id": "root",
"slug": "root",
"link": "/root",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"science": {
"name": "Science",
"grouping": [
"science",
"futureofyou"
],
"description": "KQED Science brings you award-winning science and environment coverage from the Bay Area and beyond.",
"type": "terms",
"id": "science",
"slug": "science",
"link": "/science",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"stateofhealth": {
"name": "State of Health",
"parent": "science",
"type": "terms",
"id": "stateofhealth",
"slug": "stateofhealth",
"link": "/stateofhealth",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"support": {
"name": "Support",
"type": "terms",
"id": "support",
"slug": "support",
"link": "/support",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"thedolist": {
"name": "The Do List",
"parent": "arts",
"type": "terms",
"id": "thedolist",
"slug": "thedolist",
"link": "/thedolist",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"trulyca": {
"name": "Truly CA",
"grouping": [
"arts",
"pop",
"trulyca"
],
"parent": "arts",
"type": "terms",
"id": "trulyca",
"slug": "trulyca",
"link": "/trulyca",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"tv": {
"name": "TV",
"type": "terms",
"id": "tv",
"slug": "tv",
"link": "/tv",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"voterguide": {
"name": "Voter Guide",
"parent": "elections",
"alias": "elections",
"type": "terms",
"id": "voterguide",
"slug": "voterguide",
"link": "/voterguide",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"guiaelectoral": {
"name": "Guia Electoral",
"parent": "elections",
"alias": "elections",
"type": "terms",
"id": "guiaelectoral",
"slug": "guiaelectoral",
"link": "/guiaelectoral",
"taxonomy": "site"
},
"pop_tag_recaps": {
"isLoading": true
},
"pop_8": {
"type": "terms",
"id": "pop_8",
"meta": {
"index": "terms_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "8",
"found": true
},
"relationships": {},
"featImg": null,
"name": "recaps",
"description": null,
"taxonomy": "tag",
"headData": {
"twImgId": null,
"twTitle": null,
"ogTitle": null,
"ogImgId": null,
"twDescription": null,
"description": null,
"title": "recaps Archives | KQED Arts",
"ogDescription": null
},
"ttid": 8,
"slug": "recaps",
"isLoading": false,
"link": "/pop/tag/recaps"
},
"pop_3": {
"type": "terms",
"id": "pop_3",
"meta": {
"index": "terms_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "3",
"found": true
},
"relationships": {},
"featImg": null,
"name": "TV",
"description": null,
"taxonomy": "category",
"headData": {
"twImgId": null,
"twTitle": null,
"ogTitle": null,
"ogImgId": null,
"twDescription": null,
"description": null,
"title": "TV Archives | KQED Arts",
"ogDescription": null
},
"ttid": 3,
"slug": "tv",
"isLoading": false,
"link": "/pop/category/tv"
},
"pop_2905": {
"type": "terms",
"id": "pop_2905",
"meta": {
"index": "terms_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "2905",
"found": true
},
"relationships": {},
"featImg": null,
"name": "Poldark",
"description": null,
"taxonomy": "tag",
"headData": {
"twImgId": null,
"twTitle": null,
"ogTitle": null,
"ogImgId": null,
"twDescription": null,
"description": null,
"title": "Poldark Archives | KQED Arts",
"ogDescription": null
},
"ttid": 2905,
"slug": "poldark",
"isLoading": false,
"link": "/pop/tag/poldark"
},
"pop_2931": {
"type": "terms",
"id": "pop_2931",
"meta": {
"index": "terms_1716263798",
"site": "pop",
"id": "2931",
"found": true
},
"relationships": {},
"featImg": null,
"name": "Victoria",
"description": null,
"taxonomy": "tag",
"headData": {
"twImgId": null,
"twTitle": null,
"ogTitle": null,
"ogImgId": null,
"twDescription": null,
"description": null,
"title": "Victoria Archives | KQED Arts",
"ogDescription": null
},
"ttid": 2931,
"slug": "victoria",
"isLoading": false,
"link": "/pop/tag/victoria"
}
},
"userPermissionsReducer": {
"wpLoggedIn": false
},
"eventsReducer": {},
"fssReducer": {},
"tvDailyScheduleReducer": {},
"tvWeeklyScheduleReducer": {},
"tvPrimetimeScheduleReducer": {},
"tvMonthlyScheduleReducer": {},
"userAccountReducer": {
"user": {
"email": null,
"emailStatus": "EMAIL_UNVALIDATED",
"loggedStatus": "LOGGED_OUT",
"loggingChecked": false,
"articles": [],
"firstName": null,
"lastName": null,
"phoneNumber": null,
"fetchingMembership": false,
"membershipError": false,
"memberships": [
{
"id": null,
"startDate": null,
"firstName": null,
"lastName": null,
"familyNumber": null,
"memberNumber": null,
"memberSince": null,
"expirationDate": null,
"pfsEligible": false,
"isSustaining": false,
"membershipLevel": "Prospect",
"membershipStatus": "Non Member",
"lastGiftDate": null,
"renewalDate": null,
"lastDonationAmount": null
}
]
},
"authModal": {
"isOpen": false,
"view": "LANDING_VIEW"
},
"error": null
},
"youthMediaReducer": {},
"checkPleaseReducer": {
"filterData": {
"region": {
"key": "Restaurant Region",
"filters": [
"Any Region"
]
},
"cuisine": {
"key": "Restaurant Cuisine",
"filters": [
"Any Cuisine"
]
}
},
"restaurantDataById": {},
"restaurantIdsSorted": [],
"error": null
},
"userAgentReducer": {
"userAgent": "Mozilla/5.0 AppleWebKit/537.36 (KHTML, like Gecko; compatible; ClaudeBot/1.0; +claudebot@anthropic.com)",
"isBot": true
}
}
