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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey\u003c/a>\u003cem> or \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">Poldark\u003c/a>\u003cem> recaps of yore. Since those shows wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called \u003c/em>Victoria\u003cem>. I hope you'll join me. Let's do this!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pastel clouds greet a pleasant sunrise in the English countryside... but there's no time to appreciate that right now because there's a bunch of text on the screen! It's 1837, the year that daguerreotypes and \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em> became a thing. William IV is the king and apparently in some trouble. His niece Alexandrina is his heir.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, before we get any further, here are a few interesting things I found out about this William dude, after researching him for the past hour:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>He joined the Royal Navy at 13. While stationed in North America, George Washington tried to kidnap him!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Because William IV was so far down the line of succession (he was the third son of King George III), he decided \u003cem>Ah, screw it!\u003c/em>, shacked up with an actress with a bad reputation and had ten \"illegitimate\" kids. Get it, Willie!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>After the deaths of his father, both his older brothers, and his niece, he became an unexpected King at the ripe age of 64. Under his reign, slavery was abolished in nearly all of the British Empire and child labor was restricted. Huzzah for common decency!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>In his final months, William gave a blistering speech at a banquet about how much he hoped he wouldn't croak before his niece was of age, so that her no-good, sneaky mother wouldn't get her hands on the powers of the crown. Queen Victoria -- then Alexandrina -- burst into tears from shock. But she still thought fondly of him because he was kind of right.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>So that sets us up for what we're about to see. Back to the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A messenger arrives at Kensington Palace wearing a black armband. Our homeboy William IV is dead. Well, that was quick!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57689\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20.gif\" alt=\"giphy-20\" width=\"500\" height=\"324\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/The-African-Queen-GIF-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57690\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/The-African-Queen-GIF-1.gif\" alt=\"the-african-queen-gif-1\" width=\"500\" height=\"363\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We hardly knew ye!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm more upset about his passing than anyone at this mansion is. Some dude named Sir John is basically like, \u003cem>Ugh, finally!\u003c/em> Alexandrina is so jazzed that she walks down a set of stairs WITHOUT HOLDING ONTO HER GOVERNESS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After pretending to be bummed out about her dead uncle in front of the Archbishop for three seconds, she dances around the palace with her cute dog before heading to her room to blast the \"Bow down, b-tches!\" part of \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geEMtwkBZVk\">that Beyoncé song\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Sir John and her mother are already trying to take control, starting with the Queen's name. They both agree Alexandrina is way too ethnic and that her middle name Victoria is super lame. Elizabeth will do. Or Ann.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alexandrina interrupts: \u003cem>Um, guys? Sorry to interrupt your little planning sesh, but I just saw the Archbishop alone and I intend to handle my own business forever and ever without your help. Cool? Oh, and I went down a staircase without assistance earlier.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-21.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57705\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-21.gif\" alt=\"giphy-21\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir John and co. are horrified by the idea of a grown woman having opinions and making her own decisions:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/IVVeY.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57706\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/IVVeY.gif\" alt=\"ivvey\" width=\"360\" height=\"288\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, randoms are gossiping about how they've heard Alexandrina's tongue is too big for her mouth. Burn books were so quaint back then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, the governess tries to hold a lesson with Alexandrina, who replies with a \u003cem>Meh, I know enough. \u003c/em>The governess is bummed that she is now obsolete and must return to her native Germany, but she is quickly promoted to household dictator. The governess gleefully runs to the downstairs kitchen to be rude to all the servants for no reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later in the day, Lord Melbourne, the Prime Minister, arrives to kick it with Alexandrina. Sir John intercepts him and gives a speech about how Alexandrina is a homeschooled weirdo and needs him to be in charge of her affairs. Lord Melbourne pulls one of these:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"chappelle show diss gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some small talk about dolls and ugly, pumpkin-headed suitors, Lord Melbourne brings up Sir John's attempts at seizing control. Alexandrina delivers a quick and strong \u003cem>NOPE!\u003c/em> Melbourne then slyly tries to pull a fast one: \u003cem>TOTALLY, but reading stuff can be quite hard. Your itty-bitty lady brain wouldn't like it. Let me do it! \u003c/em>Alexandrina responds by throwing a Betty Friedan book at his face and burning a bra.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, okay, she didn't exactly react like that, but she did firmly say no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/picgifs-nope-400931.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57716\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/picgifs-nope-400931.gif\" alt=\"picgifs-nope-400931\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, a bunch of Lords assemble to kiss the new Queen's hand. But before all the germ-spreading can commence, Alexandrina must give a speech. Her jealous uncle -- who, like the jealous uncle in \u003cem>The Lion King\u003c/em>, has a huge scar on his face -- interrupts to say she isn't talking loud enough. So she turns the volume and the content way up: \u003cem>Because you all are sexist and ageist as hell, you don't think I'm going to do well. Watch me.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57724\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"238\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alexandrina goes to the balcony and proclaims herself Queen Victoria, a name change without which Prince may have never been referred to as \u003ca href=\"http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/2016/04/21/the_story_behind_prince_s_unpronounceable_love_symbol_2.html\">an unpronounceable symbol\u003c/a>. It's a major moment, yet all I can focus on is the actress' horrible colored contacts. They make her look possessed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58528\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-20-24-pm\" width=\"640\" height=\"399\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM.png 989w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-160x100.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-800x498.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-768x478.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-960x598.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-240x149.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-375x234.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-520x324.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58529\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-19-57-pm\" width=\"640\" height=\"468\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM.png 872w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-160x117.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-800x584.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-768x561.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-240x175.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-375x274.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-520x380.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58527\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-20-43-pm\" width=\"575\" height=\"341\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM.png 575w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-240x142.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-375x222.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-520x308.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 575px) 100vw, 575px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, some time later, Governess Dictator hires a wide-eyed servant girl. The senior servants are royally pissed over not being consulted:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCMs8dUWZus\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is hanging out with her only friends: her dolls and a portrait of her dead dad (#HomeschoolLife). Sir John bursts in, makes fun of her for still playing with dolls, and shuffles around important documents, in an attempt to convince Victoria that she didn't already fire him. When that doesn't work, he takes a more aggressive approach, by getting in Victoria's face and spitting: \"What can a girl like you -- \u003cem>unformed\u003c/em> -- possibly do to serve her country?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/she-came-that-way.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58530\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/she-came-that-way.gif\" alt=\"she-came-that-way\" width=\"245\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Calling her \"unformed\" is one thing, but insulting her best doll friends? Oh, hell nah. Victoria sets him straight by yelling: \"IF I REQUIRE ADVICE, I WILL ASK FOR IT! Sir John, you have our permission to withdraw.\" That's polite royal talk for \"GTFO and TTYN, loser.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/17028425.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58531\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/17028425.gif\" alt=\"17028425\" width=\"500\" height=\"339\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom's eye twitches, as Sir John limps backwards out of the room like a beaten puppy. Feminist Teen Queens: 1; Men Who Think Rocking Mutton Chops Makes Them Hot: 0.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid tries to mend some fancy gloves. Her boss tells her not to bother; the Queen never wears a pair more than once. Okay, Victoria seems chill and all, but I can see why head-chopping revolutions happen. The servants have their own way of sticking it to The Man though; they secretly sell the Queen's gloves, shoes, and other accessories, and pocket the money. Power to the ballsy, poor people! Get them coins!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-32.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58802\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-32.gif\" alt=\"giphy (32)\" width=\"500\" height=\"452\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Victoria whines. \u003cem>Sir John is, like, sooo annoying! And mom's other friend, Flora, walked into my room without knocking!\u003c/em> If this were a century or two earlier, Victoria would simply have them both killed, but it's the 19th century, so she decides to just move to a bigger mansion -- the recently-completed Buckingham Palace -- where she can keep them sequestered in whichever wing gets the least natural light. All is fair in love and real estate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And now, it's time for a montage of everyone we've met so far running around the new digs, freaking out over all the chandeliers, and chanting, \"Started from the bottom, now we're here!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid spots Victoria for the first time and is so dumbfounded that she blurts out this dumb statement: \"She is small, but she ain't no midget.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58801\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/short.gif\" alt=\"short\" width=\"470\" height=\"188\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, the Prime Minister eases Victoria's worries that no one takes her seriously because of her height by declaring: \"Anyone who dares comment on your stature should be sent straight to the Tower!\" (Sayonara, Babyface!) Victoria rewards him for waging a war against heightists -- and for being sort of sexy, if you squint a little -- by giving him a cute nickname -- Lord M -- and allowing him to be her Private Secretary.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58800\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Victoria's mom is really bummed that she and her friends have been put in the North Wing, far away from Victoria's room in the South Wing (#FirstWorldProblems). Sir John takes the opportunity to play a few more B-sides from his Victoria-is-a-stupid-shrimpy-loser broken record, only to be interrupted by the Queen herself. Sir John pounces and tries to make Victoria pick her maids-of-honor on the spot. Victoria gives him the silent treatment and a look that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36234\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\" alt=\"get off my jock gif bethenny\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not taking the hint, Flora pulls out a list of potential girls and ensures that none of them are tall whores. Victoria doubles down on her request for everyone to get off her jock:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58681\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif.gif\" alt=\"i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria tells Babyface Maid she wants to change things up with an \u003cem>au courant\u003c/em> hairstyle. Babyface Maid doesn't know what\u003cem> au courant\u003c/em> means, despite telling all the servants earlier that she has studied French. So she's a liar \u003cem>and\u003c/em> hates short people. Got it. They end up going with braids that go under and around the ears, which soon became the 19th century version of \u003ca href=\"http://parade.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Jennifer-Aniston-The-Rachel-Hairstyle-ftr.jpg\">The Rachel\u003c/a>™.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Flora continues to pester Victoria. Apparently, Victoria accidentally turned her back on some troops.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"No one mentioned this to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003c/strong> \"I assure you, they noticed, but no one likes to correct their monarch, ma'am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Except for you, evidently.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-24.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58689\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-24.gif\" alt=\"giphy-24\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, Governess Dictator is yelling at a servant for wasting too much money on beeswax candles. She doesn't know the help is selling them off, along with all the Queen's other once-used belongings, but something tells me she will soon and the reckoning will be glorious.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Days later, Victoria and Lord M are trotting around on horses and chatting about how everyone thinks they're bumping uglies. Victoria asks if the reason he's single is because he's still clinically depressed about his wife running away with Lord Byron and then dying (yes, that \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Byron\">Lord Byron\u003c/a>!). Lord M is like, \u003cem>Um, yeah. Thanks for bringing that up.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is the Royal Coronation Ball. Everyone who's anyone is in attendance... except for Lord M, who is crying in the dark at his house, while smelling a lock of hair. Yikes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before heading into the ballroom, Sir John, who's still allowed to live in the palace for some reason, reminds Victoria to not get too wasted or do anything slutty. Victoria is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-25.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58697\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-25.gif\" alt=\"giphy-25\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It wouldn't be a ball without a few scandals:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Scandal #1:\u003c/strong> The servants swapped out all the beeswax candles for cheap tallow candles, which are dripping wax all over the guests.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Scandal #2:\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_II_of_Russia\">Alexander II\u003c/a>, the son of the Russian Emperor, gets a bit too handsy with Victoria, while dancing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The latter is broken up, thanks to Lord M (who dried his tears and showed up, after all). Victoria deals with being groped by chugging lots of champagne and basically confessing her love for Lord M: \"You dance so well. I wish I could dance with you every night.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Lick_your_lips.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58698\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Lick_your_lips.gif\" alt=\"lick_your_lips\" width=\"500\" height=\"187\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A little later, Governess Dictator pulls Victoria aside to Wikileak \u003cstrong>Scandal #3:\u003c/strong> Flora appears to be pregnant! And the baby is probably Sir John's!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria goes and yells at Sir John, who then calls her a drunk. Victoria's measured reply:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8.gif\" alt=\"3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some sloppy 19th century twerking, Flora interrupts Victoria on the dance floor to relay a message. The music stops just in time for everyone to hear Victoria yell, \"Mama sent \u003cem>you\u003c/em> to tell \u003cem>me\u003c/em> what to do??\" Lord M quickly escorts Victoria out and makes her go to bed before she pukes on everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria somehow doesn't have a raging hangover. She informs her mom about Flora's scandalous pregnancy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/What-Happens-When-You-Deliver-Large-Baby.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58707\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/What-Happens-When-You-Deliver-Large-Baby.gif\" alt=\"what-happens-when-you-deliver-large-baby\" width=\"400\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Flora and Sir John commiserate over not being invited to the Coronation ceremony and hating Victoria's guts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58708\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-26.gif\" alt=\"giphy-26\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Victoria is being coronated, she has ordered that Flora undergo a medical examination to prove to everyone that she's a pregnant floozy. This plan backfires when the doctors conclude Flora is \u003cem>virgo intacta\u003c/em> and actually has a huge tumor growing inside of her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Bad-This-is-bad-My-bad-Oops-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58716\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Bad-This-is-bad-My-bad-Oops-GIF.gif\" alt=\"bad-this-is-bad-my-bad-oops-gif\" width=\"468\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's evil uncle Scar sees an opportunity. He leaks the scandalous story of the Queen forcing a humiliating examination upon an innocent dying woman and calls for the powers of the crown to be turned over to him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Flora takes a turn for the worst and Victoria is pressured to hang out at her deathbed. This proves to be quite awkward and goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/baby-box-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58726\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/baby-box-gif.gif\" alt=\"baby-box-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Ummm, hiiiii. Being sick totally sucks. Want me to send you some peaches? They'll fix you right up!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora: \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58717\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy-20\" width=\"400\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Anyway, that whole exam thing was my bad. We cool?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You're going to hell. Now leave me alone so I can die.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58725\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Governess Dictator finds out about the glove-selling ring. She correctly accuses the lead maid, Mrs. Jenkins, but Babyface Maid confesses because Jesus would have also taken the blame for a random misdemeanor or something. Governess Dictator tells Victoria, who responds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/wvr.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58728\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/wvr.gif\" alt=\"wvr\" width=\"500\" height=\"337\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58727\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\" alt=\"90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares\" width=\"500\" height=\"351\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria's mom bursts in crying. Flora is dead. And she believes Victoria \"drove her to her grave.\" Victoria somehow manages to make it all about her: \u003cem>Sorry about your dead friend and all, but Sir John always makes fun of my height and you never defend me! Leave me alone!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M finds Victoria sitting at a piano, having a full-blown anxiety attack about how everyone thinks she killed a virgin. He confesses that he often wishes he was dead because his young son died some years ago, but that he pretends to be okay with this whole being alive thing, and she should too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time Victoria is in front of the public, they yell about her being a virgin murderer, but she takes Lord M's advice and cooly pretends to be OK with being alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time passes. Uncle Scar continues to travel around, talking smack about his niece and encouraging rumors that something inappropriate is going on between her and Lord M. He selflessly offers to take control of things, if needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-28.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58750\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-28.gif\" alt=\"giphy (28)\" width=\"533\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds out slavery is still a thing in the Caribbean. She's like, \u003cem>Oh, I'll just fix that then\u003c/em>. Lord M is like, \u003cem>Ha ha ha. We can't just be decent human beings, silly. We have to let a bunch of white privileged men debate the economic losses associated with letting other human beings have basic rights first.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir John bursts in and demands that Victoria give her mother the title of Queen Mother. Victoria is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58751\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7.gif\" alt=\"310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7\" width=\"499\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Governess Dictator orders men to install gas lighting. Try selling candles now, riff-raff! The workers open up a wall and AN AVALANCHE OF RATS FALLS OUT. THEY SCURRY ALL OVER THE KITCHEN. AHHHHH!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-29.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58754\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-29.gif\" alt=\"giphy (29)\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/scared02.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58753\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/scared02.gif\" alt=\"scared02\" width=\"500\" height=\"342\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-30.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58752\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-30.gif\" alt=\"giphy (30)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, the results of the slavery vote are in. By six votes, the Parliament decided enslaving people is bad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58769\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tenor.gif\" alt=\"tenor\" width=\"498\" height=\"243\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Lord M has to step down and stop talking to Victoria because his party has been weakened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/iooo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58772\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/iooo.gif\" alt=\"iooo\" width=\"251\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A wailing Victoria goes outside in the rain and uses her closed umbrella to attack hedges.\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/why.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58770\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/why.gif\" alt=\"why\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she calms down and interviews a potential replacement for the Prime Minister, the Duke of Wellington. He turns the position down because he's old and has been there, done that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19744\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo no thank you gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2hhznE3Ub1rfduvxo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19743\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2hhznE3Ub1rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo too much gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19742\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo bye gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the lead maid turns on the brand new gas line and takes her sweet time finding a flame. Her hand is consumed by a fireball. Babyface Maid runs to fetch some butter for the burn, but gets distracted by a hot chef, who says, \"You can have butter, if you like, but I can give you something better.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58780\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-face.gif\" alt=\"oprah-face\" width=\"415\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He tells her to close her eyes so he can show her \"a surprise.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then shows her his...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/732978471.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58781\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/732978471.gif\" alt=\"732978471\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...freezer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58782\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed.gif\" alt=\"1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed\" width=\"300\" height=\"171\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Victoria is mad about a new coin that makes her look like she has a double chin. Her problems are so relatable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another possible candidate for the Prime Minister position by the name of Robert Peel shows up. He says the coin looks just like her. Uh oh! He then mansplains how the British government works. Double uh oh! Then he demands that she replace her ladies with women from his political party. Triple uh oh! Victoria isn't having any of it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gtfo13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58783\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gtfo13.gif\" alt=\"gtfo13\" width=\"375\" height=\"247\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar is doing lines of 19th century coke, when Sir John comes in. They plot to convince everyone that Victoria is insane like her grandfather and unfit to rule.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria keeps trying to convince Lord M to get over himself and agree to stay Prime Minister. Lord M screams the lyrics to Taylor Swift's \"We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/JmW19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58784\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/JmW19.gif\" alt=\"JmW19\" width=\"500\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria can't sleep and decides to sit in front of a portrait of her insane grandfather. Her mother comes to hang out in a chic toilet paper headpiece.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-58787\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-15 at 1.06.29 AM\" width=\"300\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png 701w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-160x214.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-240x321.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-375x501.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-520x695.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom assures her that she won't let anyone take away her power. One way to respond is for Victoria to be chill for once and just hug her mom and say \"Thanks.\" Instead, she gives her mom a hard time for hanging out with Sir John and never protecting her in the past. Yeesh. At least she didn't bring up her \u003cem>I'm short and super sad about it\u003c/em> hang-up again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is Victoria's birthday. The hot chef presents his impressive multi-tiered cake, topped with a likeness of the Queen and her cute dog. Some kids sing \"God Save the Queen\" and Victoria talks through it. Sir John tries to give Victoria a present and she pretends he's not there. Everyone almost dies of awkwardness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens a gift from Lord M. Will it be a love letter? A lock of his hair? A nude photo?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58796\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\" alt=\"Excited-Baby-Opening-Present\" width=\"332\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a telescope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/waqrg59iicwip04mmswz.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58797\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/waqrg59iicwip04mmswz.gif\" alt=\"waqrg59iicwip04mmswz\" width=\"434\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next up: her mother's gift.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58796\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\" alt=\"Excited-Baby-Opening-Present\" width=\"332\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a copy of \u003cem>King Lear\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/dsppntmnt.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58798\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/dsppntmnt.gif\" alt=\"dsppntmnt\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With a very rude passage underlined: \"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58899\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria can even react, RATS ARE ALL OVER HER CAKE! Victoria understandably loses her sh-t.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Uncle Scar's cocaine den. He's sniffing and spinning the story with Sir John's help. She was in hysterics! Maybe she hallucinated the rats! Muahaha!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria tries to unveil her royal painting by pulling a tarp off of it. She can't manage it because she has poor upper body strength and/or is not used to doing very basic things like pulling. Lord M swoops in to help and casually says, \u003cem>Oh, hey, I'll be your Prime Minister again. Sorry about yelling Taylor Swift breakup lyrics in your face for the past couple of weeks. \u003c/em>Is he serious? All that running around for nothing? If it wasn't for his wife running off and his kid dying, I might hold a grudge, but I'll just move on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dark alley, some random tries to get Babyface Maid to sell herself and won't take no for an answer. Thankfully, the hot cook swoops in. Turns out he's been stalking her, but in the cute way. He reveals that he recognizes her from some former house of ill repute, but he doesn't care. He just wants to date. Aww (I think)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord M and Victoria gaze longingly across a room at each other. Some dude tells Lord M that this googly-eyed business won't last for long, as Victoria will soon wed. But Lord M knows that marriage doesn't mean anything. Just ask Lord Byron.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Sir John. \u003c/strong>The uncle has a scar over his eye, which means he has no choice but to be evil. What's this guy's excuse?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: William IV. \u003c/strong>I would totally watch a show about him and his 10 \"illegitimate\" children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Hot Chef. \u003c/strong>That cake was impressive. And so is his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Flora. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>If anyone has earned the right to say \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l7S1hnRPF0\">That was way harsh, Tai,\u003c/a>\" it's this virgin who can't drive.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Duh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Did the end of 'Downton Abbey' leave a void in your spirit? 'Victoria' is here to fill it.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey\u003c/a>\u003cem> or \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">Poldark\u003c/a>\u003cem> recaps of yore. Since those shows wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called \u003c/em>Victoria\u003cem>. I hope you'll join me. Let's do this!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pastel clouds greet a pleasant sunrise in the English countryside... but there's no time to appreciate that right now because there's a bunch of text on the screen! It's 1837, the year that daguerreotypes and \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em> became a thing. William IV is the king and apparently in some trouble. His niece Alexandrina is his heir.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, before we get any further, here are a few interesting things I found out about this William dude, after researching him for the past hour:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>He joined the Royal Navy at 13. While stationed in North America, George Washington tried to kidnap him!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Because William IV was so far down the line of succession (he was the third son of King George III), he decided \u003cem>Ah, screw it!\u003c/em>, shacked up with an actress with a bad reputation and had ten \"illegitimate\" kids. Get it, Willie!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>After the deaths of his father, both his older brothers, and his niece, he became an unexpected King at the ripe age of 64. Under his reign, slavery was abolished in nearly all of the British Empire and child labor was restricted. Huzzah for common decency!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>In his final months, William gave a blistering speech at a banquet about how much he hoped he wouldn't croak before his niece was of age, so that her no-good, sneaky mother wouldn't get her hands on the powers of the crown. Queen Victoria -- then Alexandrina -- burst into tears from shock. But she still thought fondly of him because he was kind of right.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>So that sets us up for what we're about to see. Back to the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A messenger arrives at Kensington Palace wearing a black armband. Our homeboy William IV is dead. Well, that was quick!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57689\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20.gif\" alt=\"giphy-20\" width=\"500\" height=\"324\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/The-African-Queen-GIF-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57690\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/The-African-Queen-GIF-1.gif\" alt=\"the-african-queen-gif-1\" width=\"500\" height=\"363\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We hardly knew ye!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm more upset about his passing than anyone at this mansion is. Some dude named Sir John is basically like, \u003cem>Ugh, finally!\u003c/em> Alexandrina is so jazzed that she walks down a set of stairs WITHOUT HOLDING ONTO HER GOVERNESS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After pretending to be bummed out about her dead uncle in front of the Archbishop for three seconds, she dances around the palace with her cute dog before heading to her room to blast the \"Bow down, b-tches!\" part of \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geEMtwkBZVk\">that Beyoncé song\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Sir John and her mother are already trying to take control, starting with the Queen's name. They both agree Alexandrina is way too ethnic and that her middle name Victoria is super lame. Elizabeth will do. Or Ann.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alexandrina interrupts: \u003cem>Um, guys? Sorry to interrupt your little planning sesh, but I just saw the Archbishop alone and I intend to handle my own business forever and ever without your help. Cool? Oh, and I went down a staircase without assistance earlier.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-21.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57705\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-21.gif\" alt=\"giphy-21\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir John and co. are horrified by the idea of a grown woman having opinions and making her own decisions:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/IVVeY.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57706\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/IVVeY.gif\" alt=\"ivvey\" width=\"360\" height=\"288\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, randoms are gossiping about how they've heard Alexandrina's tongue is too big for her mouth. Burn books were so quaint back then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, the governess tries to hold a lesson with Alexandrina, who replies with a \u003cem>Meh, I know enough. \u003c/em>The governess is bummed that she is now obsolete and must return to her native Germany, but she is quickly promoted to household dictator. The governess gleefully runs to the downstairs kitchen to be rude to all the servants for no reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later in the day, Lord Melbourne, the Prime Minister, arrives to kick it with Alexandrina. Sir John intercepts him and gives a speech about how Alexandrina is a homeschooled weirdo and needs him to be in charge of her affairs. Lord Melbourne pulls one of these:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"chappelle show diss gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some small talk about dolls and ugly, pumpkin-headed suitors, Lord Melbourne brings up Sir John's attempts at seizing control. Alexandrina delivers a quick and strong \u003cem>NOPE!\u003c/em> Melbourne then slyly tries to pull a fast one: \u003cem>TOTALLY, but reading stuff can be quite hard. Your itty-bitty lady brain wouldn't like it. Let me do it! \u003c/em>Alexandrina responds by throwing a Betty Friedan book at his face and burning a bra.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, okay, she didn't exactly react like that, but she did firmly say no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/picgifs-nope-400931.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57716\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/picgifs-nope-400931.gif\" alt=\"picgifs-nope-400931\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, a bunch of Lords assemble to kiss the new Queen's hand. But before all the germ-spreading can commence, Alexandrina must give a speech. Her jealous uncle -- who, like the jealous uncle in \u003cem>The Lion King\u003c/em>, has a huge scar on his face -- interrupts to say she isn't talking loud enough. So she turns the volume and the content way up: \u003cem>Because you all are sexist and ageist as hell, you don't think I'm going to do well. Watch me.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57724\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"238\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alexandrina goes to the balcony and proclaims herself Queen Victoria, a name change without which Prince may have never been referred to as \u003ca href=\"http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/2016/04/21/the_story_behind_prince_s_unpronounceable_love_symbol_2.html\">an unpronounceable symbol\u003c/a>. It's a major moment, yet all I can focus on is the actress' horrible colored contacts. They make her look possessed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58528\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-20-24-pm\" width=\"640\" height=\"399\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM.png 989w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-160x100.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-800x498.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-768x478.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-960x598.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-240x149.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-375x234.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-520x324.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58529\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-19-57-pm\" width=\"640\" height=\"468\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM.png 872w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-160x117.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-800x584.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-768x561.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-240x175.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-375x274.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-520x380.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58527\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-20-43-pm\" width=\"575\" height=\"341\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM.png 575w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-240x142.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-375x222.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-520x308.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 575px) 100vw, 575px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, some time later, Governess Dictator hires a wide-eyed servant girl. The senior servants are royally pissed over not being consulted:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/QCMs8dUWZus'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/QCMs8dUWZus'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is hanging out with her only friends: her dolls and a portrait of her dead dad (#HomeschoolLife). Sir John bursts in, makes fun of her for still playing with dolls, and shuffles around important documents, in an attempt to convince Victoria that she didn't already fire him. When that doesn't work, he takes a more aggressive approach, by getting in Victoria's face and spitting: \"What can a girl like you -- \u003cem>unformed\u003c/em> -- possibly do to serve her country?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/she-came-that-way.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58530\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/she-came-that-way.gif\" alt=\"she-came-that-way\" width=\"245\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Calling her \"unformed\" is one thing, but insulting her best doll friends? Oh, hell nah. Victoria sets him straight by yelling: \"IF I REQUIRE ADVICE, I WILL ASK FOR IT! Sir John, you have our permission to withdraw.\" That's polite royal talk for \"GTFO and TTYN, loser.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/17028425.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58531\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/17028425.gif\" alt=\"17028425\" width=\"500\" height=\"339\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom's eye twitches, as Sir John limps backwards out of the room like a beaten puppy. Feminist Teen Queens: 1; Men Who Think Rocking Mutton Chops Makes Them Hot: 0.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid tries to mend some fancy gloves. Her boss tells her not to bother; the Queen never wears a pair more than once. Okay, Victoria seems chill and all, but I can see why head-chopping revolutions happen. The servants have their own way of sticking it to The Man though; they secretly sell the Queen's gloves, shoes, and other accessories, and pocket the money. Power to the ballsy, poor people! Get them coins!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-32.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58802\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-32.gif\" alt=\"giphy (32)\" width=\"500\" height=\"452\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Victoria whines. \u003cem>Sir John is, like, sooo annoying! And mom's other friend, Flora, walked into my room without knocking!\u003c/em> If this were a century or two earlier, Victoria would simply have them both killed, but it's the 19th century, so she decides to just move to a bigger mansion -- the recently-completed Buckingham Palace -- where she can keep them sequestered in whichever wing gets the least natural light. All is fair in love and real estate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And now, it's time for a montage of everyone we've met so far running around the new digs, freaking out over all the chandeliers, and chanting, \"Started from the bottom, now we're here!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid spots Victoria for the first time and is so dumbfounded that she blurts out this dumb statement: \"She is small, but she ain't no midget.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58801\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/short.gif\" alt=\"short\" width=\"470\" height=\"188\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, the Prime Minister eases Victoria's worries that no one takes her seriously because of her height by declaring: \"Anyone who dares comment on your stature should be sent straight to the Tower!\" (Sayonara, Babyface!) Victoria rewards him for waging a war against heightists -- and for being sort of sexy, if you squint a little -- by giving him a cute nickname -- Lord M -- and allowing him to be her Private Secretary.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58800\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Victoria's mom is really bummed that she and her friends have been put in the North Wing, far away from Victoria's room in the South Wing (#FirstWorldProblems). Sir John takes the opportunity to play a few more B-sides from his Victoria-is-a-stupid-shrimpy-loser broken record, only to be interrupted by the Queen herself. Sir John pounces and tries to make Victoria pick her maids-of-honor on the spot. Victoria gives him the silent treatment and a look that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36234\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\" alt=\"get off my jock gif bethenny\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not taking the hint, Flora pulls out a list of potential girls and ensures that none of them are tall whores. Victoria doubles down on her request for everyone to get off her jock:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58681\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif.gif\" alt=\"i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria tells Babyface Maid she wants to change things up with an \u003cem>au courant\u003c/em> hairstyle. Babyface Maid doesn't know what\u003cem> au courant\u003c/em> means, despite telling all the servants earlier that she has studied French. So she's a liar \u003cem>and\u003c/em> hates short people. Got it. They end up going with braids that go under and around the ears, which soon became the 19th century version of \u003ca href=\"http://parade.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Jennifer-Aniston-The-Rachel-Hairstyle-ftr.jpg\">The Rachel\u003c/a>™.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Flora continues to pester Victoria. Apparently, Victoria accidentally turned her back on some troops.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"No one mentioned this to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003c/strong> \"I assure you, they noticed, but no one likes to correct their monarch, ma'am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Except for you, evidently.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-24.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58689\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-24.gif\" alt=\"giphy-24\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, Governess Dictator is yelling at a servant for wasting too much money on beeswax candles. She doesn't know the help is selling them off, along with all the Queen's other once-used belongings, but something tells me she will soon and the reckoning will be glorious.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Days later, Victoria and Lord M are trotting around on horses and chatting about how everyone thinks they're bumping uglies. Victoria asks if the reason he's single is because he's still clinically depressed about his wife running away with Lord Byron and then dying (yes, that \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Byron\">Lord Byron\u003c/a>!). Lord M is like, \u003cem>Um, yeah. Thanks for bringing that up.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is the Royal Coronation Ball. Everyone who's anyone is in attendance... except for Lord M, who is crying in the dark at his house, while smelling a lock of hair. Yikes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before heading into the ballroom, Sir John, who's still allowed to live in the palace for some reason, reminds Victoria to not get too wasted or do anything slutty. Victoria is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-25.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58697\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-25.gif\" alt=\"giphy-25\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It wouldn't be a ball without a few scandals:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Scandal #1:\u003c/strong> The servants swapped out all the beeswax candles for cheap tallow candles, which are dripping wax all over the guests.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Scandal #2:\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_II_of_Russia\">Alexander II\u003c/a>, the son of the Russian Emperor, gets a bit too handsy with Victoria, while dancing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The latter is broken up, thanks to Lord M (who dried his tears and showed up, after all). Victoria deals with being groped by chugging lots of champagne and basically confessing her love for Lord M: \"You dance so well. I wish I could dance with you every night.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Lick_your_lips.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58698\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Lick_your_lips.gif\" alt=\"lick_your_lips\" width=\"500\" height=\"187\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A little later, Governess Dictator pulls Victoria aside to Wikileak \u003cstrong>Scandal #3:\u003c/strong> Flora appears to be pregnant! And the baby is probably Sir John's!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria goes and yells at Sir John, who then calls her a drunk. Victoria's measured reply:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8.gif\" alt=\"3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some sloppy 19th century twerking, Flora interrupts Victoria on the dance floor to relay a message. The music stops just in time for everyone to hear Victoria yell, \"Mama sent \u003cem>you\u003c/em> to tell \u003cem>me\u003c/em> what to do??\" Lord M quickly escorts Victoria out and makes her go to bed before she pukes on everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria somehow doesn't have a raging hangover. She informs her mom about Flora's scandalous pregnancy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/What-Happens-When-You-Deliver-Large-Baby.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58707\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/What-Happens-When-You-Deliver-Large-Baby.gif\" alt=\"what-happens-when-you-deliver-large-baby\" width=\"400\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Flora and Sir John commiserate over not being invited to the Coronation ceremony and hating Victoria's guts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58708\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-26.gif\" alt=\"giphy-26\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Victoria is being coronated, she has ordered that Flora undergo a medical examination to prove to everyone that she's a pregnant floozy. This plan backfires when the doctors conclude Flora is \u003cem>virgo intacta\u003c/em> and actually has a huge tumor growing inside of her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Bad-This-is-bad-My-bad-Oops-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58716\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Bad-This-is-bad-My-bad-Oops-GIF.gif\" alt=\"bad-this-is-bad-my-bad-oops-gif\" width=\"468\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's evil uncle Scar sees an opportunity. He leaks the scandalous story of the Queen forcing a humiliating examination upon an innocent dying woman and calls for the powers of the crown to be turned over to him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Flora takes a turn for the worst and Victoria is pressured to hang out at her deathbed. This proves to be quite awkward and goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/baby-box-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58726\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/baby-box-gif.gif\" alt=\"baby-box-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Ummm, hiiiii. Being sick totally sucks. Want me to send you some peaches? They'll fix you right up!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora: \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58717\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy-20\" width=\"400\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Anyway, that whole exam thing was my bad. We cool?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You're going to hell. Now leave me alone so I can die.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58725\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Governess Dictator finds out about the glove-selling ring. She correctly accuses the lead maid, Mrs. Jenkins, but Babyface Maid confesses because Jesus would have also taken the blame for a random misdemeanor or something. Governess Dictator tells Victoria, who responds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/wvr.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58728\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/wvr.gif\" alt=\"wvr\" width=\"500\" height=\"337\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58727\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\" alt=\"90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares\" width=\"500\" height=\"351\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria's mom bursts in crying. Flora is dead. And she believes Victoria \"drove her to her grave.\" Victoria somehow manages to make it all about her: \u003cem>Sorry about your dead friend and all, but Sir John always makes fun of my height and you never defend me! Leave me alone!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M finds Victoria sitting at a piano, having a full-blown anxiety attack about how everyone thinks she killed a virgin. He confesses that he often wishes he was dead because his young son died some years ago, but that he pretends to be okay with this whole being alive thing, and she should too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time Victoria is in front of the public, they yell about her being a virgin murderer, but she takes Lord M's advice and cooly pretends to be OK with being alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time passes. Uncle Scar continues to travel around, talking smack about his niece and encouraging rumors that something inappropriate is going on between her and Lord M. He selflessly offers to take control of things, if needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-28.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58750\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-28.gif\" alt=\"giphy (28)\" width=\"533\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds out slavery is still a thing in the Caribbean. She's like, \u003cem>Oh, I'll just fix that then\u003c/em>. Lord M is like, \u003cem>Ha ha ha. We can't just be decent human beings, silly. We have to let a bunch of white privileged men debate the economic losses associated with letting other human beings have basic rights first.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir John bursts in and demands that Victoria give her mother the title of Queen Mother. Victoria is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58751\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7.gif\" alt=\"310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7\" width=\"499\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Governess Dictator orders men to install gas lighting. Try selling candles now, riff-raff! The workers open up a wall and AN AVALANCHE OF RATS FALLS OUT. THEY SCURRY ALL OVER THE KITCHEN. AHHHHH!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-29.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58754\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-29.gif\" alt=\"giphy (29)\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/scared02.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58753\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/scared02.gif\" alt=\"scared02\" width=\"500\" height=\"342\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-30.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58752\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-30.gif\" alt=\"giphy (30)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, the results of the slavery vote are in. By six votes, the Parliament decided enslaving people is bad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58769\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tenor.gif\" alt=\"tenor\" width=\"498\" height=\"243\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Lord M has to step down and stop talking to Victoria because his party has been weakened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/iooo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58772\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/iooo.gif\" alt=\"iooo\" width=\"251\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A wailing Victoria goes outside in the rain and uses her closed umbrella to attack hedges.\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/why.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58770\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/why.gif\" alt=\"why\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she calms down and interviews a potential replacement for the Prime Minister, the Duke of Wellington. He turns the position down because he's old and has been there, done that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19744\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo no thank you gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2hhznE3Ub1rfduvxo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19743\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2hhznE3Ub1rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo too much gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19742\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo bye gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the lead maid turns on the brand new gas line and takes her sweet time finding a flame. Her hand is consumed by a fireball. Babyface Maid runs to fetch some butter for the burn, but gets distracted by a hot chef, who says, \"You can have butter, if you like, but I can give you something better.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58780\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-face.gif\" alt=\"oprah-face\" width=\"415\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He tells her to close her eyes so he can show her \"a surprise.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then shows her his...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/732978471.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58781\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/732978471.gif\" alt=\"732978471\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...freezer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58782\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed.gif\" alt=\"1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed\" width=\"300\" height=\"171\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Victoria is mad about a new coin that makes her look like she has a double chin. Her problems are so relatable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another possible candidate for the Prime Minister position by the name of Robert Peel shows up. He says the coin looks just like her. Uh oh! He then mansplains how the British government works. Double uh oh! Then he demands that she replace her ladies with women from his political party. Triple uh oh! Victoria isn't having any of it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gtfo13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58783\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gtfo13.gif\" alt=\"gtfo13\" width=\"375\" height=\"247\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar is doing lines of 19th century coke, when Sir John comes in. They plot to convince everyone that Victoria is insane like her grandfather and unfit to rule.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria keeps trying to convince Lord M to get over himself and agree to stay Prime Minister. Lord M screams the lyrics to Taylor Swift's \"We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/JmW19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58784\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/JmW19.gif\" alt=\"JmW19\" width=\"500\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria can't sleep and decides to sit in front of a portrait of her insane grandfather. Her mother comes to hang out in a chic toilet paper headpiece.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-58787\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-15 at 1.06.29 AM\" width=\"300\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png 701w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-160x214.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-240x321.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-375x501.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-520x695.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom assures her that she won't let anyone take away her power. One way to respond is for Victoria to be chill for once and just hug her mom and say \"Thanks.\" Instead, she gives her mom a hard time for hanging out with Sir John and never protecting her in the past. Yeesh. At least she didn't bring up her \u003cem>I'm short and super sad about it\u003c/em> hang-up again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is Victoria's birthday. The hot chef presents his impressive multi-tiered cake, topped with a likeness of the Queen and her cute dog. Some kids sing \"God Save the Queen\" and Victoria talks through it. Sir John tries to give Victoria a present and she pretends he's not there. Everyone almost dies of awkwardness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens a gift from Lord M. Will it be a love letter? A lock of his hair? A nude photo?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58796\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\" alt=\"Excited-Baby-Opening-Present\" width=\"332\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a telescope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/waqrg59iicwip04mmswz.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58797\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/waqrg59iicwip04mmswz.gif\" alt=\"waqrg59iicwip04mmswz\" width=\"434\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next up: her mother's gift.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58796\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\" alt=\"Excited-Baby-Opening-Present\" width=\"332\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a copy of \u003cem>King Lear\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/dsppntmnt.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58798\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/dsppntmnt.gif\" alt=\"dsppntmnt\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With a very rude passage underlined: \"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58899\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria can even react, RATS ARE ALL OVER HER CAKE! Victoria understandably loses her sh-t.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Uncle Scar's cocaine den. He's sniffing and spinning the story with Sir John's help. She was in hysterics! Maybe she hallucinated the rats! Muahaha!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria tries to unveil her royal painting by pulling a tarp off of it. She can't manage it because she has poor upper body strength and/or is not used to doing very basic things like pulling. Lord M swoops in to help and casually says, \u003cem>Oh, hey, I'll be your Prime Minister again. Sorry about yelling Taylor Swift breakup lyrics in your face for the past couple of weeks. \u003c/em>Is he serious? All that running around for nothing? If it wasn't for his wife running off and his kid dying, I might hold a grudge, but I'll just move on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dark alley, some random tries to get Babyface Maid to sell herself and won't take no for an answer. Thankfully, the hot cook swoops in. Turns out he's been stalking her, but in the cute way. He reveals that he recognizes her from some former house of ill repute, but he doesn't care. He just wants to date. Aww (I think)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord M and Victoria gaze longingly across a room at each other. Some dude tells Lord M that this googly-eyed business won't last for long, as Victoria will soon wed. But Lord M knows that marriage doesn't mean anything. Just ask Lord Byron.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Sir John. \u003c/strong>The uncle has a scar over his eye, which means he has no choice but to be evil. What's this guy's excuse?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: William IV. \u003c/strong>I would totally watch a show about him and his 10 \"illegitimate\" children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Hot Chef. \u003c/strong>That cake was impressive. And so is his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Flora. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>If anyone has earned the right to say \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l7S1hnRPF0\">That was way harsh, Tai,\u003c/a>\" it's this virgin who can't drive.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Duh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza briefly got her groove back, but then almost got raped (*sigh*). Will Demelza stumble upon a time machine with the ability to transport her to a time when women are truly equal and don't have to worry about that kind of stuff (not 2016, evidently)? Will Demelza finally get an annulment and go on a fun\u003cem> Thelma and Louise\u003c/em>-style road trip with Verity, minus the explosive ending? Will some merciful disaster occur inside the mine so it can close forever, sparing us from more boring underground storylines? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We kick things off with a scene of Demelza picking flowers. Maybe she's planning on leaving them on Ross' grave after she rightfully murders him dead? No one would blame you, Demelza. Just do it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the newly successful mine, everyone is acting like they're in a Rihanna music video, coins falling all over their twerking bodies. Ross is still sad, though, because he's a miserable person and, as the aphorism goes, mo' money, mo' problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1351.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49534\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1351.gif\" alt=\"1351\" width=\"400\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's mansion, Malfoy has officially moved in, causing Elizabeth's son to ask two really important questions: 1. Who dis? and 2. Are you two serious? Malfoy answers the second question with a strong yes, as he orders servants to take down the portrait of the boy's father, who was unceremoniously murdered by a random puddle just a few episodes ago.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a nearby forest, Malfoy has instructed his Slytherin cronies to construct a fence around Elizabeth's property. The poor people are like, \u003cem>Um, no, we hang out here\u003c/em>. One of the cronies responds by smashing a rifle butt into their faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross takes out a big sack of coins and tries to use their shininess to distract Demelza from the fact that he's a monster. Just like in the last episode, Demelza does not fall for it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36401\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"rihanna money throw gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Blondie's former home, Horace the Pug is nowhere to be found (*sob*). But Blondie's uncle is there, oversharing details about his \"unusually sweet\" urine with Doc. He apparently has \"the sugar sickness,\" which is the karmic price you pay when you stand in the way of Horace's mom's marriage. Sorry not sorry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Doc is saving his life and all, Blondie's uncle is like, \u003cem>So, hey, sorry about calling you trash a few weeks ago and promising to destroy you. Anywho, Blondie is engaged to someone who is definitely not you. K, thanks for all the help, bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc immediately enlists in the war, a move that's drama queen-y enough without what he says while doing it: \"I may not return to these shores for years. Or at all!\" And to think all of this could have been avoided if he had an outlet like LiveJournal to vent all his emo feelings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Malfoy and Ross spend days and days sending sassy notes back and forth to each other. Finally, they agree to meet. Malfoy wants to get his hands on some of Ross' mine shares because he, too, wants to know what it feels like to be in a Rihanna music video.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For the umpteenth time, the phrase \"scullery maid\" is used as a pejorative. I'm sick of this show's uninspired trash talk, and so is Ross, who punches Malfoy in the face. Malfoy smashes Ross' head into a grandfather clock (cool!), Ross smashes Malfoy into a bookshelf (eh, not as cool, but ok!), and then Ross grabs Malfoy and tries to set his head on fire in the fireplace (THE COOLEST!). I hate you, Ross, but thanks for at least keeping things interesting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a few Slytherin cronies haul Ross out of the house, Malfoy runs upstairs to brag to Elizabeth about how he totally clobbered Ross. \"I hope he will have learned his lesson,\" she replies, despite the fact that she just found out Ross let his own family starve so that she could have some pocket change. Elizabeth, congratulations on being the worst on a show full of horrible people!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Doc tells Demelza he's off to die in the war. Demelza is bummed because he's the only person left around these parts that she can stand. Their convo is interrupted by a bloody Ross. Demelza's entire body turns into a\u003cem> I'm-so-tired-of-your-crap\u003c/em> eye roll.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/annoyedface.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49535\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/annoyedface.gif\" alt=\"annoyedface\" width=\"500\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Ross finds her upstairs and tries to get a reaction out of her by threatening to go to war. Demelza handles it like a boss.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Why? Cause your dearest friend is running away and so must you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Obviously the thought of leaving you and Jeremy...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Wouldn't be the first time you've considered such a thing. Go to war, Ross. Play soldiers. Or stay home and save all of Cornwall. What it is to be married to such a great man.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/b26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49536\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/b26.gif\" alt=\"b26\" width=\"328\" height=\"284\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">Game, set, match.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross finds out Blondie was the secret benefactor who helped save him from debtor's prison. He goes home to tell Demelza, but the conversation veers off into her gleefully confessing to \"kissing and caressing\" Overly Trimmed Mustache. Ross and his man-baby ego go nuclear: \"I tell you, I do not admire you for this! It does you no credit!\" I guess that whole pot-kettle saying wasn't invented yet? Then both Demelza and Ross wonder why they are married. Welcome, you two. I've been wondering the same thing for MANY WEEKS OF MY LIFE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*takes deep breath* Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Ross storms off to brattily try on a military uniform. And Demelza storms off to casually deliver Verity's baby. No big deal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of babies, Elizabeth is pregnant. Whatever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1287347561085.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49537\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1287347561085.gif\" alt=\"1287347561085\" width=\"250\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross heads to London to thank Blondie for the money. (Horace must have had a previous engagement because he's nowhere to be found.) It is revealed that Blondie is not, in fact, engaged because it's hard to find another hot dude who's obsessed with helping poor people (her new type). Ross mentions that Doc is so upset about not getting to hang out with Horace (and her, I guess) that he's heading off to war to get shot in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Verity's house, she becomes the Yoda to Demelza's Luke Skywalker: \u003cem>Follow your heart, you must! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza decides her heart is telling her to go over to Elizabeth's house and rip her a new one. She catches Elizabeth in the garden and their conversation goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Eek!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's right. It's me. Let's do this.\u003c/em> *cracks knuckles*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, does your husband know you're out and about without his permission?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I'm a feminist and I do what I want.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I'm not a feminist. I'm a humanist.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> *eye roll* \u003cem>Anyway, I came here to say I hate your guts and that you can have Ross because being married to him suuuuuucks and you deserve to feel that punishment. I'm moving back home to record my 18th century version of a Taylor Swift breakup album. Talk to ya never!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza walks off, thinking \u003cem>Nailed it!\u003c/em> to herself. She climbs over the new property fence on her way home and GETS SHOT (!!!) by one of Malfoy's Slytherin cronies, who then walks up and threatens to shoot her again until she's dead. Someone please Amazon Prime this dude a crate of chill.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in town, Doc is getting drunk with all his other comrades who are also about to get shot in the face. Ross shows up because drinking and avoiding responsibility is his jam. They take a few tequila shots and then Ross complicates Doc's buzz by telling him he went to see Blondie and that's she's not actually engaged. \u003cstrong>Lesson:\u003c/strong> R\u003cem>emember to make sure gossip is true before you dramatically sign up to die in a war.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But that's not all! Blondie appears amid the soon-to-be-dead soldiers. \u003cem>Surprise! We're getting back together! Now let's go to your room and have sex before you sail off to your death! Yay!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_inline_mrxxpgl38j1qz4rgp.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49538\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_inline_mrxxpgl38j1qz4rgp.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_mrxxpgl38j1qz4rgp\" width=\"470\" height=\"235\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the village pub, all the poor people are really drunk and really pissed about the fence shooter trying to kill all of them for weeks. They decide to recreate the mob scene from \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza finds out and runs to warn Malfoy and Elizabeth, because when they go low, she goes high. But Malfoy and Elizabeth stay low by telling her that she's just jealous and is a liar and should go back to her scullery. All right then, enjoy being murdered and spending eternity in the ninth circle of Hell (that's the one for the treacherous; I looked it up).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right on cue, the villagers set fire to the fence (and the rain). Malfoy and his Slytherin cronies meet them outside and threaten to shoot them. Demelza stands in the way of their guns because she's a good person and somehow isn't super jaded yet. A shot rings out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's Ross (it's cool he's doing something heroic and all, but still: ugh). He saves the day by calling off the mob, grabs Demelza and rides off. Elizabeth watches the whole thing go down from an upstairs window and has a Veruca Salt-level tantrum on the inside. Why can't she have Ross \u003cem>and\u003c/em> Malfoy's money at the same time?! Waaaah!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49547\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy.gif\" alt=\"giphy\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49546\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt-willy-wonka\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Elizabeth has something real to cry about. Malfoy has decided Francis Jr. is too tight with Elizabeth and too girly and must be sent away to boarding school ASAP to \"toughen up\" and to make room for Malfoy's spawn. Elizabeth stops herself from disagreeing because men have much bigger brains and know best.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza packs all her things. Ross eventually takes his head out of his butt long enough to notice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You're leaving me? I came back for you! I chose not to go to war!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"It's not my concern what you choose, only what I choose.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/vWJ5TaC.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49548\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/vWJ5TaC.gif\" alt=\"vwj5tac\" width=\"350\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After an entire season of always saying the worst possible thing, Ross finally uses his words to apologize and let Demelza know he loves her and won't let Elizabeth come between them anymore. IT'S ABOUT TIME! WAS THAT SO HARD?? JESUS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Elizabeth's, Agatha swoops in to tell Elizabeth \u003cem>I told you so! \u003c/em>about Malfoy.\u003cem> \u003c/em>Still in deep denial, Elizabeth says that she thinks Malfoy will chill on all the evil plotting by the time their baby is born and maybe won't banish Francis Jr. away forever? Agatha is like, \u003cem>HA HA HA HA, you suck at basic math and biology. \u003c/em>Then Agatha invites Maury Povich out from behind a curtain to proclaim: \u003cem>Malfoy IS NOT the father! Ross is! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_l8hjeodHQy1qbipv3o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49549\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_l8hjeodHQy1qbipv3o1_400.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_l8hjeodhqy1qbipv3o1_400\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/N8cXOzd.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49550\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/N8cXOzd.gif\" alt=\"n8cxozd\" width=\"650\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Demelza and Ross make out at the edge of a cliff. They both still hate their lives, but they have decided to hate their lives together. Glad this all sort of, kind of, but not really worked out for everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Since the season is now over, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross. \u003c/strong>He put us through so much this season: the glacially paced adultery, the terrible life decisions, the man-baby tantrums, all that boring mining. No amount of shirtless scything will make it right. Actually, fill season 3 with that and I might revisit my pledge to hate Ross for life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Blondie. \u003c/strong>Props to her for giving up the whole I-wish-all-poor-people-would-just-die thing and transforming into a decent person. Here's hoping her boo doesn't get shot in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Horace\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>He is the light of my life, the fire of my loins. Um, scratch that last part; too creepy. The point is: I love this dog. He deserves a spin-off. Maybe Jill Stein can raise enough money to make it happen?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>Agatha. \u003c/strong>I want to grow up to be a no-nonsense lush who's always right about everything, don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>I mean, duh.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. I'll be back in the recapping saddle starting January 15, 2017 for \u003ca href=\"http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/masterpiece/programs/series/victoria-s1/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>. Until then, keep up with my other work \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">all over \u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\" target=\"_blank\">KQED Pop\u003c/a>. You can also hear my opinions on all things pop culture on \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/category/the-cooler/\" target=\"_blank\">\u003cem>The Cooler \u003c/em>podcast\u003c/a>. And if Twitter is your thing, \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\" target=\"_blank\">follow me\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Someone almost gets their face set on fire. Someone gives birth. And then more fire.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza briefly got her groove back, but then almost got raped (*sigh*). Will Demelza stumble upon a time machine with the ability to transport her to a time when women are truly equal and don't have to worry about that kind of stuff (not 2016, evidently)? Will Demelza finally get an annulment and go on a fun\u003cem> Thelma and Louise\u003c/em>-style road trip with Verity, minus the explosive ending? Will some merciful disaster occur inside the mine so it can close forever, sparing us from more boring underground storylines? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We kick things off with a scene of Demelza picking flowers. Maybe she's planning on leaving them on Ross' grave after she rightfully murders him dead? No one would blame you, Demelza. Just do it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the newly successful mine, everyone is acting like they're in a Rihanna music video, coins falling all over their twerking bodies. Ross is still sad, though, because he's a miserable person and, as the aphorism goes, mo' money, mo' problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1351.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49534\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1351.gif\" alt=\"1351\" width=\"400\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's mansion, Malfoy has officially moved in, causing Elizabeth's son to ask two really important questions: 1. Who dis? and 2. Are you two serious? Malfoy answers the second question with a strong yes, as he orders servants to take down the portrait of the boy's father, who was unceremoniously murdered by a random puddle just a few episodes ago.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a nearby forest, Malfoy has instructed his Slytherin cronies to construct a fence around Elizabeth's property. The poor people are like, \u003cem>Um, no, we hang out here\u003c/em>. One of the cronies responds by smashing a rifle butt into their faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross takes out a big sack of coins and tries to use their shininess to distract Demelza from the fact that he's a monster. Just like in the last episode, Demelza does not fall for it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36401\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"rihanna money throw gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Blondie's former home, Horace the Pug is nowhere to be found (*sob*). But Blondie's uncle is there, oversharing details about his \"unusually sweet\" urine with Doc. He apparently has \"the sugar sickness,\" which is the karmic price you pay when you stand in the way of Horace's mom's marriage. Sorry not sorry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Doc is saving his life and all, Blondie's uncle is like, \u003cem>So, hey, sorry about calling you trash a few weeks ago and promising to destroy you. Anywho, Blondie is engaged to someone who is definitely not you. K, thanks for all the help, bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc immediately enlists in the war, a move that's drama queen-y enough without what he says while doing it: \"I may not return to these shores for years. Or at all!\" And to think all of this could have been avoided if he had an outlet like LiveJournal to vent all his emo feelings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Malfoy and Ross spend days and days sending sassy notes back and forth to each other. Finally, they agree to meet. Malfoy wants to get his hands on some of Ross' mine shares because he, too, wants to know what it feels like to be in a Rihanna music video.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For the umpteenth time, the phrase \"scullery maid\" is used as a pejorative. I'm sick of this show's uninspired trash talk, and so is Ross, who punches Malfoy in the face. Malfoy smashes Ross' head into a grandfather clock (cool!), Ross smashes Malfoy into a bookshelf (eh, not as cool, but ok!), and then Ross grabs Malfoy and tries to set his head on fire in the fireplace (THE COOLEST!). I hate you, Ross, but thanks for at least keeping things interesting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a few Slytherin cronies haul Ross out of the house, Malfoy runs upstairs to brag to Elizabeth about how he totally clobbered Ross. \"I hope he will have learned his lesson,\" she replies, despite the fact that she just found out Ross let his own family starve so that she could have some pocket change. Elizabeth, congratulations on being the worst on a show full of horrible people!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Doc tells Demelza he's off to die in the war. Demelza is bummed because he's the only person left around these parts that she can stand. Their convo is interrupted by a bloody Ross. Demelza's entire body turns into a\u003cem> I'm-so-tired-of-your-crap\u003c/em> eye roll.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/annoyedface.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49535\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/annoyedface.gif\" alt=\"annoyedface\" width=\"500\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Ross finds her upstairs and tries to get a reaction out of her by threatening to go to war. Demelza handles it like a boss.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Why? Cause your dearest friend is running away and so must you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Obviously the thought of leaving you and Jeremy...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Wouldn't be the first time you've considered such a thing. Go to war, Ross. Play soldiers. Or stay home and save all of Cornwall. What it is to be married to such a great man.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/b26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49536\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/b26.gif\" alt=\"b26\" width=\"328\" height=\"284\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">Game, set, match.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross finds out Blondie was the secret benefactor who helped save him from debtor's prison. He goes home to tell Demelza, but the conversation veers off into her gleefully confessing to \"kissing and caressing\" Overly Trimmed Mustache. Ross and his man-baby ego go nuclear: \"I tell you, I do not admire you for this! It does you no credit!\" I guess that whole pot-kettle saying wasn't invented yet? Then both Demelza and Ross wonder why they are married. Welcome, you two. I've been wondering the same thing for MANY WEEKS OF MY LIFE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*takes deep breath* Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Ross storms off to brattily try on a military uniform. And Demelza storms off to casually deliver Verity's baby. No big deal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of babies, Elizabeth is pregnant. Whatever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1287347561085.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49537\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1287347561085.gif\" alt=\"1287347561085\" width=\"250\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross heads to London to thank Blondie for the money. (Horace must have had a previous engagement because he's nowhere to be found.) It is revealed that Blondie is not, in fact, engaged because it's hard to find another hot dude who's obsessed with helping poor people (her new type). Ross mentions that Doc is so upset about not getting to hang out with Horace (and her, I guess) that he's heading off to war to get shot in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Verity's house, she becomes the Yoda to Demelza's Luke Skywalker: \u003cem>Follow your heart, you must! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza decides her heart is telling her to go over to Elizabeth's house and rip her a new one. She catches Elizabeth in the garden and their conversation goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Eek!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's right. It's me. Let's do this.\u003c/em> *cracks knuckles*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, does your husband know you're out and about without his permission?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I'm a feminist and I do what I want.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I'm not a feminist. I'm a humanist.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> *eye roll* \u003cem>Anyway, I came here to say I hate your guts and that you can have Ross because being married to him suuuuuucks and you deserve to feel that punishment. I'm moving back home to record my 18th century version of a Taylor Swift breakup album. Talk to ya never!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza walks off, thinking \u003cem>Nailed it!\u003c/em> to herself. She climbs over the new property fence on her way home and GETS SHOT (!!!) by one of Malfoy's Slytherin cronies, who then walks up and threatens to shoot her again until she's dead. Someone please Amazon Prime this dude a crate of chill.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in town, Doc is getting drunk with all his other comrades who are also about to get shot in the face. Ross shows up because drinking and avoiding responsibility is his jam. They take a few tequila shots and then Ross complicates Doc's buzz by telling him he went to see Blondie and that's she's not actually engaged. \u003cstrong>Lesson:\u003c/strong> R\u003cem>emember to make sure gossip is true before you dramatically sign up to die in a war.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But that's not all! Blondie appears amid the soon-to-be-dead soldiers. \u003cem>Surprise! We're getting back together! Now let's go to your room and have sex before you sail off to your death! Yay!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_inline_mrxxpgl38j1qz4rgp.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49538\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_inline_mrxxpgl38j1qz4rgp.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_mrxxpgl38j1qz4rgp\" width=\"470\" height=\"235\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the village pub, all the poor people are really drunk and really pissed about the fence shooter trying to kill all of them for weeks. They decide to recreate the mob scene from \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza finds out and runs to warn Malfoy and Elizabeth, because when they go low, she goes high. But Malfoy and Elizabeth stay low by telling her that she's just jealous and is a liar and should go back to her scullery. All right then, enjoy being murdered and spending eternity in the ninth circle of Hell (that's the one for the treacherous; I looked it up).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right on cue, the villagers set fire to the fence (and the rain). Malfoy and his Slytherin cronies meet them outside and threaten to shoot them. Demelza stands in the way of their guns because she's a good person and somehow isn't super jaded yet. A shot rings out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's Ross (it's cool he's doing something heroic and all, but still: ugh). He saves the day by calling off the mob, grabs Demelza and rides off. Elizabeth watches the whole thing go down from an upstairs window and has a Veruca Salt-level tantrum on the inside. Why can't she have Ross \u003cem>and\u003c/em> Malfoy's money at the same time?! Waaaah!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49547\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy.gif\" alt=\"giphy\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49546\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt-willy-wonka\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Elizabeth has something real to cry about. Malfoy has decided Francis Jr. is too tight with Elizabeth and too girly and must be sent away to boarding school ASAP to \"toughen up\" and to make room for Malfoy's spawn. Elizabeth stops herself from disagreeing because men have much bigger brains and know best.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza packs all her things. Ross eventually takes his head out of his butt long enough to notice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You're leaving me? I came back for you! I chose not to go to war!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"It's not my concern what you choose, only what I choose.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/vWJ5TaC.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49548\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/vWJ5TaC.gif\" alt=\"vwj5tac\" width=\"350\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After an entire season of always saying the worst possible thing, Ross finally uses his words to apologize and let Demelza know he loves her and won't let Elizabeth come between them anymore. IT'S ABOUT TIME! WAS THAT SO HARD?? JESUS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Elizabeth's, Agatha swoops in to tell Elizabeth \u003cem>I told you so! \u003c/em>about Malfoy.\u003cem> \u003c/em>Still in deep denial, Elizabeth says that she thinks Malfoy will chill on all the evil plotting by the time their baby is born and maybe won't banish Francis Jr. away forever? Agatha is like, \u003cem>HA HA HA HA, you suck at basic math and biology. \u003c/em>Then Agatha invites Maury Povich out from behind a curtain to proclaim: \u003cem>Malfoy IS NOT the father! Ross is! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_l8hjeodHQy1qbipv3o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49549\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_l8hjeodHQy1qbipv3o1_400.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_l8hjeodhqy1qbipv3o1_400\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/N8cXOzd.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-49550\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/N8cXOzd.gif\" alt=\"n8cxozd\" width=\"650\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Demelza and Ross make out at the edge of a cliff. They both still hate their lives, but they have decided to hate their lives together. Glad this all sort of, kind of, but not really worked out for everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Since the season is now over, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross. \u003c/strong>He put us through so much this season: the glacially paced adultery, the terrible life decisions, the man-baby tantrums, all that boring mining. No amount of shirtless scything will make it right. Actually, fill season 3 with that and I might revisit my pledge to hate Ross for life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Blondie. \u003c/strong>Props to her for giving up the whole I-wish-all-poor-people-would-just-die thing and transforming into a decent person. Here's hoping her boo doesn't get shot in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Horace\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>He is the light of my life, the fire of my loins. Um, scratch that last part; too creepy. The point is: I love this dog. He deserves a spin-off. Maybe Jill Stein can raise enough money to make it happen?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>Agatha. \u003c/strong>I want to grow up to be a no-nonsense lush who's always right about everything, don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>I mean, duh.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. I'll be back in the recapping saddle starting January 15, 2017 for \u003ca href=\"http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/masterpiece/programs/series/victoria-s1/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>. Until then, keep up with my other work \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">all over \u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\" target=\"_blank\">KQED Pop\u003c/a>. You can also hear my opinions on all things pop culture on \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/category/the-cooler/\" target=\"_blank\">\u003cem>The Cooler \u003c/em>podcast\u003c/a>. And if Twitter is your thing, \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\" target=\"_blank\">follow me\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/20/poldark-season-2-episode-8-recap-man-i-feel-like-a-woman/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross completed his transformation into a raging monster by cheating on Demelza (just like we knew he would). Will Demelza burn all his possessions and then use the fire to light a cigarette? Will Ross and Elizabeth do everyone a favor and run off to Bali, never to be seen or heard from again? Will Horace the Pug make a much-needed cameo, just 'cause? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find Ross in his office, deep in worried thought. He's stressing over how he betrayed Demelza, right? Nope! He's thinking about the mine, of course, because he's a sociopath. But let's focus on the positive: he has a black eye, courtesy of Demelza's right hook, and the mine has officially closed. Boring will-they-won't-they-find-copper subplot, begone!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza is officially over all of it. She's decided that, from now on, she will have breakfast served to her in bed and will refuse to do any chores. Being prissy and fancy worked out for Elizabeth, after all. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_n41xg8yEoz1qgokjco2_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48736\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_n41xg8yEoz1qgokjco2_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n41xg8yeoz1qgokjco2_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While commuting, Ross runs into Malfoy and they argue over who has the bigger penis (not literally, but isn't that what all of their tiffs are really about?). The answer is not revealed, but one thing is for sure: they're both pricks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, she is very impatient for Ross to come back and proclaim, \u003cem>I dumped my wife and baby! Now let's have some more quasi-consensual sex! \u003c/em>She decides a bit of binge-drinking is in order. Alcoholic-in-residence Agatha approves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48737\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-13.gif\" alt=\"raw-13\" width=\"306\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross arrives home and finds Demelza drinking tea and snacking in bed (you go, girl!). Demelza offers to help him pack (again, you go, girl!). Ross changes the subject to the mine. Nice try, Ross! Literally no one cares! When that distraction doesn't work, Ross changes tactics:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I realize that your pride is wounded.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"My pride?? 'Tis not my pride that is wounded, Ross. 'Tis my pride \u003cem>in you!\u003c/em>\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-33.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48682\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-33.gif\" alt=\"giphy-33\" width=\"480\" height=\"171\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, she's still drunk and waiting. Good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross whines about Demelza icing him out. She responds that he can go cry about it on his pillow, which is now on an uncomfortable cot in the library.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross continues to dig his hole deeper and deeper with tone-deaf statements like: \"In the moment, I admit it, there was no thought of you\" and \"Perhaps I might've hoped for some understanding.\" Since words aren't really getting them anywhere, Demelza decides to communicate her feelings through flinging everything off the dinner table.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-35.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48701\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-35.gif\" alt=\"giphy-35\" width=\"500\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's a start. Keep going.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-34.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48697\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-34.gif\" alt=\"giphy-34\" width=\"500\" height=\"306\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's more like it! Now, put your back into it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-36.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48700\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-36.gif\" alt=\"giphy-36\" width=\"500\" height=\"202\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yes, that's it! Let it all out, Demelza!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/real-housewives-new-jersey-drama-back.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48698\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/real-housewives-new-jersey-drama-back.gif\" alt=\"real-housewives-new-jersey-drama-back\" width=\"500\" height=\"320\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Throw furniture at him! He's had it coming for so long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/throw-table-catch-chair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/throw-table-catch-chair.gif\" alt=\"throw-table-catch-chair\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*satisfied sigh* I feel better, don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Malfoy's, his lavish wedding planning grinds to a halt when he receives a letter from Elizabeth asking to postpone the wedding. A terrible setback for #TeamMalfoy'sPenisIsBigger.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, a servant arrives to formally invite Ross and Demelza to a rave. Demelza is like, \u003cem>SIGH. No thanks. Gotta stay home and fantasize about pulling a Lorena Bobbitt.\u003c/em> But then a thought strikes her. She will put on her red shoes and dance the blues (and maybe tongue wrestle a dude or two)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Elizabeth's, she hears horse hooves! She freaks out about Ross' return. What will she say? How should she act? Turns out she doesn't have to worry about answering those questions because it's just Verity. Elizabeth promptly faints.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/CherylLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48702\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/CherylLaugh.gif\" alt=\"cheryllaugh\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Demelza pulls out her sexy red dress. She sings the lyrics to Shania Twain's \"Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>I'm going out tonight, I'm feelin' alright\u003cbr>\nGonna let it all hang out\u003cbr>\nWant to make some noise, Really raise my voice\u003cbr>\nYeah, I want to scream and shout\u003cbr>\nThe best thing about being a woman\u003cbr>\nIs the prerogative to have a little fun and...\u003cbr>\nOh oh oh go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady!\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross takes a business meeting with some dude who wants him to join in on a profitable business.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7HJH0IH3dc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At some fancy estate, Demelza is getting settled in before the party. She takes a much-deserved shot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/800516981392687104\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza makes her grand entrance to the party. She's wearing makeup! She has a fake mole and a little heart drawn on one breast! All the women give her dirty looks and all the men slobber. Snatch that revenge, girl! You've earned it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy tries to get his Slytherin crony to seduce her so as to embarrass Ross, but another gets to her first: the military dude with the overly-trimmed mustache.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, Verity tells Elizabeth she knows what's bothering her. She must not feel right about marrying Malfoy because her heart still belongs to Francis, right? Surely, getting over the very recent death of one's husband must still be so very hard. Elizabeth pulls a muscle pretending that yes, all these hysterics are totally about Francis and not his much hotter cousin:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/a7c002df18.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48710\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/a7c002df18.gif\" alt=\"a7c002df18\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the rave, Demelza works up a sweat, twerking and dabbing and do-si-do-ing with Overly Trimmed Mustache. They take a break to chat about name origins. Demelza is Cornish for \"thy sweetness.\" Overly Trimmed Mustache tries to flirt: \"I would rather it meant \u003cem>my\u003c/em> sweetness.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-37.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48711\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-37.gif\" alt=\"giphy-37\" width=\"310\" height=\"205\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's corny to the max, but he'll have to do. Demelza takes him outside and they make out. He seems like the kind of bad kisser that's only practiced on the back of his hand and he probably smells a little because he wears the same outfit every day of his life, but, you know, whatever it takes to get back at trifling, no-good Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the party, Demelza goes to her room and can't decide if she should lock her door or not. She takes too long to make up her mind and Overly Trimmed Mustache slips in, wearing a brand new outfit! (He must read all the mean things I write about his uniform in these recaps!) He immediately makes it clear that he is DTF.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is not. Turns out she takes her marriage vows more seriously than Ross. Surely, Overly Trimmed Mustache will understand, right? Nope! He first tries to pressure her with words: \"Think for a moment of me, who's been looking forward to this encounter. Your duty now is not to your husband, but to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-38.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48713\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-38.gif\" alt=\"giphy-38\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite Demelza's polite refusal, Overly Trimmed Mustache tries to rape her anyway because we didn't get enough of that during the last episode. Demelza manages to physically overpower him and gets him to leave. She crumples down onto the bed and cries the same thing I do every Sunday night: \"Ross, I hate you! I hate you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Slytherin Crony and the old dude who hosted the rave argue outside of Demelza's door over who gets \"first pick.\" She listens as they consider whether she might be into a threesome and ultimately toss a coin over her. One rape attempt is more than enough for a lifetime so Demelza flees out of the window.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a long night of drinking at the bar with his buddies and being emo over his failed mine, Ross heads to Elizabeth's house. She sees him from the window and thinks, \u003cem>Yay! I won! He's leaving his wife and child for me! Weeee!\u003c/em> But then Ross changes his mind and gallops away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-39.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48721\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-39.gif\" alt=\"giphy-39\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross gets home to find that Demelza has been out all night. How dare she go somewhere without his permission! Doesn't she know she's Ross' property? Since I'm not there in person, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen stand in for me and give him deadly, sideways \u003cem>Are you f-ing serious?\u003c/em> looks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross races around Cornwall to find Demelza and make sure no one has been kissing her. He finds her walking in the sea, mascara tears all over her face. Instead of apologizing for everything that's happened since he came into her life, he tells her this: \"If you could bide a while, have a little patience, this thing will play itself out... sooner or later.\" Wow. Add this to the long list of reasons why I wish Ross had been found guilty and hanged earlier this season. Demelza's reaction says it all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48734\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-11-20-at-4-35-45-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-768x426.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM.png 1231w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, she chucks her needlepointing and goes on a rant that would even make Kanye jealous about how Ross always abandons her. There was that whole fighting-for-his-country-and-barely-surviving thing, and now this? Screw it! She's tired of waiting!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to her wedding with Malfoy. She apparently didn't get the memo that \"None of the above\" was an option.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And the bad news keeps rolling in: Ross finds enough money to reopen the mine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/why.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48722\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/why.gif\" alt=\"why\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sensing that I am \u003cem>this close\u003c/em> to turning off this episode and quitting this recap, the writers throw me a bone -- a dog bone, to be precise. Horace the Pug is back!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48733\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horaceeee\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee.jpg 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And he's wearing a Ruth Bader Ginsburg-esque jabot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10201\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\" alt=\"beyonce god is real\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In an alternate universe where everything is good, the rest of the episode is just Horace snacking and napping and playing and barking. But we live in a cruel world, so we have to watch Ross work in the mine some more. He finds a lot of valuable tin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/no-one-cares-hunter-E2-99-A5-35130856-391-331.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48723\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/no-one-cares-hunter-E2-99-A5-35130856-391-331.gif\" alt=\"no-one-cares-hunter-e2-99-a5-35130856-391-331\" width=\"391\" height=\"331\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs home to tell Demelza that he's about to be kind of rich. Demelza is like, \u003cem>Keep it.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36401\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"rihanna money throw gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Needing his baby-man ego stroked, Ross rushes over to Elizabeth's house and sees her returning from her honeymoon with Malfoy. Elizabeth spots him and gives him a death glare. Like always, Ross feels sorry for himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> Demelza said it best: \"Ross, I hate you! I hate you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Verity. \u003c/strong>For causing Elizabeth to faint.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Made Horace's Jabot\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Bless this craftsperson for making the world more beautiful and tender.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>Horace\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>The rainbow that springs forth from this dark cloud of a show when we need it most.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>So glad she got her party on. And kudos to her for not murdering Ross, chopping him into little bits, and using said little bits as bait on her next fishing trip. I bow to her self-restraint.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> and read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Demelza gets her groove back.",
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"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman! | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross completed his transformation into a raging monster by cheating on Demelza (just like we knew he would). Will Demelza burn all his possessions and then use the fire to light a cigarette? Will Ross and Elizabeth do everyone a favor and run off to Bali, never to be seen or heard from again? Will Horace the Pug make a much-needed cameo, just 'cause? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find Ross in his office, deep in worried thought. He's stressing over how he betrayed Demelza, right? Nope! He's thinking about the mine, of course, because he's a sociopath. But let's focus on the positive: he has a black eye, courtesy of Demelza's right hook, and the mine has officially closed. Boring will-they-won't-they-find-copper subplot, begone!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza is officially over all of it. She's decided that, from now on, she will have breakfast served to her in bed and will refuse to do any chores. Being prissy and fancy worked out for Elizabeth, after all. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_n41xg8yEoz1qgokjco2_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48736\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_n41xg8yEoz1qgokjco2_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n41xg8yeoz1qgokjco2_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While commuting, Ross runs into Malfoy and they argue over who has the bigger penis (not literally, but isn't that what all of their tiffs are really about?). The answer is not revealed, but one thing is for sure: they're both pricks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, she is very impatient for Ross to come back and proclaim, \u003cem>I dumped my wife and baby! Now let's have some more quasi-consensual sex! \u003c/em>She decides a bit of binge-drinking is in order. Alcoholic-in-residence Agatha approves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48737\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-13.gif\" alt=\"raw-13\" width=\"306\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross arrives home and finds Demelza drinking tea and snacking in bed (you go, girl!). Demelza offers to help him pack (again, you go, girl!). Ross changes the subject to the mine. Nice try, Ross! Literally no one cares! When that distraction doesn't work, Ross changes tactics:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I realize that your pride is wounded.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"My pride?? 'Tis not my pride that is wounded, Ross. 'Tis my pride \u003cem>in you!\u003c/em>\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-33.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48682\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-33.gif\" alt=\"giphy-33\" width=\"480\" height=\"171\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, she's still drunk and waiting. Good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross whines about Demelza icing him out. She responds that he can go cry about it on his pillow, which is now on an uncomfortable cot in the library.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross continues to dig his hole deeper and deeper with tone-deaf statements like: \"In the moment, I admit it, there was no thought of you\" and \"Perhaps I might've hoped for some understanding.\" Since words aren't really getting them anywhere, Demelza decides to communicate her feelings through flinging everything off the dinner table.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-35.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48701\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-35.gif\" alt=\"giphy-35\" width=\"500\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's a start. Keep going.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-34.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48697\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-34.gif\" alt=\"giphy-34\" width=\"500\" height=\"306\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's more like it! Now, put your back into it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-36.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48700\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-36.gif\" alt=\"giphy-36\" width=\"500\" height=\"202\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yes, that's it! Let it all out, Demelza!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/real-housewives-new-jersey-drama-back.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48698\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/real-housewives-new-jersey-drama-back.gif\" alt=\"real-housewives-new-jersey-drama-back\" width=\"500\" height=\"320\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Throw furniture at him! He's had it coming for so long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/throw-table-catch-chair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/throw-table-catch-chair.gif\" alt=\"throw-table-catch-chair\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*satisfied sigh* I feel better, don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Malfoy's, his lavish wedding planning grinds to a halt when he receives a letter from Elizabeth asking to postpone the wedding. A terrible setback for #TeamMalfoy'sPenisIsBigger.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, a servant arrives to formally invite Ross and Demelza to a rave. Demelza is like, \u003cem>SIGH. No thanks. Gotta stay home and fantasize about pulling a Lorena Bobbitt.\u003c/em> But then a thought strikes her. She will put on her red shoes and dance the blues (and maybe tongue wrestle a dude or two)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Elizabeth's, she hears horse hooves! She freaks out about Ross' return. What will she say? How should she act? Turns out she doesn't have to worry about answering those questions because it's just Verity. Elizabeth promptly faints.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/CherylLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48702\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/CherylLaugh.gif\" alt=\"cheryllaugh\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Demelza pulls out her sexy red dress. She sings the lyrics to Shania Twain's \"Man! I Feel Like A Woman!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>I'm going out tonight, I'm feelin' alright\u003cbr>\nGonna let it all hang out\u003cbr>\nWant to make some noise, Really raise my voice\u003cbr>\nYeah, I want to scream and shout\u003cbr>\nThe best thing about being a woman\u003cbr>\nIs the prerogative to have a little fun and...\u003cbr>\nOh oh oh go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady!\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross takes a business meeting with some dude who wants him to join in on a profitable business.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/M7HJH0IH3dc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/M7HJH0IH3dc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>At some fancy estate, Demelza is getting settled in before the party. She takes a much-deserved shot.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Demelza makes her grand entrance to the party. She's wearing makeup! She has a fake mole and a little heart drawn on one breast! All the women give her dirty looks and all the men slobber. Snatch that revenge, girl! You've earned it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy tries to get his Slytherin crony to seduce her so as to embarrass Ross, but another gets to her first: the military dude with the overly-trimmed mustache.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, Verity tells Elizabeth she knows what's bothering her. She must not feel right about marrying Malfoy because her heart still belongs to Francis, right? Surely, getting over the very recent death of one's husband must still be so very hard. Elizabeth pulls a muscle pretending that yes, all these hysterics are totally about Francis and not his much hotter cousin:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/a7c002df18.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48710\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/a7c002df18.gif\" alt=\"a7c002df18\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the rave, Demelza works up a sweat, twerking and dabbing and do-si-do-ing with Overly Trimmed Mustache. They take a break to chat about name origins. Demelza is Cornish for \"thy sweetness.\" Overly Trimmed Mustache tries to flirt: \"I would rather it meant \u003cem>my\u003c/em> sweetness.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-37.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48711\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-37.gif\" alt=\"giphy-37\" width=\"310\" height=\"205\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's corny to the max, but he'll have to do. Demelza takes him outside and they make out. He seems like the kind of bad kisser that's only practiced on the back of his hand and he probably smells a little because he wears the same outfit every day of his life, but, you know, whatever it takes to get back at trifling, no-good Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the party, Demelza goes to her room and can't decide if she should lock her door or not. She takes too long to make up her mind and Overly Trimmed Mustache slips in, wearing a brand new outfit! (He must read all the mean things I write about his uniform in these recaps!) He immediately makes it clear that he is DTF.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is not. Turns out she takes her marriage vows more seriously than Ross. Surely, Overly Trimmed Mustache will understand, right? Nope! He first tries to pressure her with words: \"Think for a moment of me, who's been looking forward to this encounter. Your duty now is not to your husband, but to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-38.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48713\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-38.gif\" alt=\"giphy-38\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite Demelza's polite refusal, Overly Trimmed Mustache tries to rape her anyway because we didn't get enough of that during the last episode. Demelza manages to physically overpower him and gets him to leave. She crumples down onto the bed and cries the same thing I do every Sunday night: \"Ross, I hate you! I hate you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Slytherin Crony and the old dude who hosted the rave argue outside of Demelza's door over who gets \"first pick.\" She listens as they consider whether she might be into a threesome and ultimately toss a coin over her. One rape attempt is more than enough for a lifetime so Demelza flees out of the window.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a long night of drinking at the bar with his buddies and being emo over his failed mine, Ross heads to Elizabeth's house. She sees him from the window and thinks, \u003cem>Yay! I won! He's leaving his wife and child for me! Weeee!\u003c/em> But then Ross changes his mind and gallops away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-39.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48721\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-39.gif\" alt=\"giphy-39\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross gets home to find that Demelza has been out all night. How dare she go somewhere without his permission! Doesn't she know she's Ross' property? Since I'm not there in person, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen stand in for me and give him deadly, sideways \u003cem>Are you f-ing serious?\u003c/em> looks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross races around Cornwall to find Demelza and make sure no one has been kissing her. He finds her walking in the sea, mascara tears all over her face. Instead of apologizing for everything that's happened since he came into her life, he tells her this: \"If you could bide a while, have a little patience, this thing will play itself out... sooner or later.\" Wow. Add this to the long list of reasons why I wish Ross had been found guilty and hanged earlier this season. Demelza's reaction says it all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48734\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-11-20-at-4-35-45-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-768x426.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-20-at-4.35.45-PM.png 1231w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, she chucks her needlepointing and goes on a rant that would even make Kanye jealous about how Ross always abandons her. There was that whole fighting-for-his-country-and-barely-surviving thing, and now this? Screw it! She's tired of waiting!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to her wedding with Malfoy. She apparently didn't get the memo that \"None of the above\" was an option.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And the bad news keeps rolling in: Ross finds enough money to reopen the mine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/why.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48722\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/why.gif\" alt=\"why\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sensing that I am \u003cem>this close\u003c/em> to turning off this episode and quitting this recap, the writers throw me a bone -- a dog bone, to be precise. Horace the Pug is back!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-48733\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horaceeee\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horaceeee.jpg 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And he's wearing a Ruth Bader Ginsburg-esque jabot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10201\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\" alt=\"beyonce god is real\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In an alternate universe where everything is good, the rest of the episode is just Horace snacking and napping and playing and barking. But we live in a cruel world, so we have to watch Ross work in the mine some more. He finds a lot of valuable tin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/no-one-cares-hunter-E2-99-A5-35130856-391-331.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48723\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/no-one-cares-hunter-E2-99-A5-35130856-391-331.gif\" alt=\"no-one-cares-hunter-e2-99-a5-35130856-391-331\" width=\"391\" height=\"331\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs home to tell Demelza that he's about to be kind of rich. Demelza is like, \u003cem>Keep it.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36401\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"rihanna money throw gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Needing his baby-man ego stroked, Ross rushes over to Elizabeth's house and sees her returning from her honeymoon with Malfoy. Elizabeth spots him and gives him a death glare. Like always, Ross feels sorry for himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> Demelza said it best: \"Ross, I hate you! I hate you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Verity. \u003c/strong>For causing Elizabeth to faint.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Made Horace's Jabot\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Bless this craftsperson for making the world more beautiful and tender.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>Horace\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>The rainbow that springs forth from this dark cloud of a show when we need it most.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>So glad she got her party on. And kudos to her for not murdering Ross, chopping him into little bits, and using said little bits as bait on her next fishing trip. I bow to her self-restraint.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> and read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/13/poldark-season-2-episode-7-recap-im-in-love-with-a-monster/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7: I'm In Love With A Monster\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross did everything in his power to get in trouble with the law again, Demelza did everything in her power to not stab him, and Murphy's Law did everything in its power to prevent Doc, Blondie and Horace the Pug from eloping and finding bliss. Will Ross be hanged, turning \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> into a show only about Demelza, Agatha, and all the cool animals? Will Demelza finally get an annulment and pursue a career as a pop star in the big city? Will Elizabeth take a much-needed break from being super-duper annoying? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After barely escaping arrest and death, Ross should be lying low right about now. He's not, of course. Instead, he's getting letters from his Illegal Smuggling Boss. Demelza has had it. Officially.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Judas, Ross! Will you never learn?!?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Possibly not.\" *smug smirk*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kill him, Demelza. Just kill him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, Ross is already in court. The judge is gleefully ready to punish him, but Ross brings in three surprise alibis. Case dismissed! Hmm, that was anti-climactic. Doc also gets off with a small fine for building that warning bonfire. Rich white dudes have all the luck. Remember when this same judge sentenced a poor person to several years in a typhus-infested prison for stealing a chicken and a different poor person to the gallows for throwing poop in Parliament Wannabe's face. Yeah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside the courthouse, Doc pretends he's totally over Blondie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T55vZAITLI8\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But on the inside, he's like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/200.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-46932\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/200.gif\" alt=\"200\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Ross apologizes to Demelza for all his really terrible decisions over the entire time they've known each other. \"I will never again be guilty of such recklessness.\" Ha ha ha... yeah, right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/809dea98d6ba5bde1e3300dcb0191eb4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46933\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/809dea98d6ba5bde1e3300dcb0191eb4.gif\" alt=\"whitney houston laugh not amused gif\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc gets a bunch of mail. Blondie has returned all his letters and written one of her own, which basically reads like the lyrics to \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEuGcWY\">JoJo's 2004 single \"Leave (Get Out)\"\u003c/a>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>Get out! Leave! Right now!\u003cbr>\nIt's the end of you and me\u003cbr>\nYou said that you would treat me right\u003cbr>\nBut you was just a waste of time.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>The next day, Demelza is in the town square, minding her business, when Elizabeth calls her over to her carriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \"I've been meaning to call upon you to thank you for your kindness these past few months.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"In lending you my husband?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \"...in a manner of speaking.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, you're welcome to him, just so long as you remember where he belongs and send him back to me when you're done with him.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1564jzc.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47349\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1564jzc.gif\" alt=\"1564jzc\" width=\"360\" height=\"203\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Memo to everyone in Cornwall: Demelza is not the one to mess with.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Demelza, still on the war path, confronts Ross about how he sold all his shares in the old mine, information she received from a stranger in town. Ross is like,\u003cem> Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot to tell you! I gave away almost all of our money to my ex-girlfriend, leading us to live in squalor for months and months, because she's a delicate flower and needs nice things more than you do. That's not going to be a problem, right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza has two options:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Option A: Break a glass and use it to disembowel him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Option B: Silently stew.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She unfortunately chooses Option B.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38909\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\" alt=\"Kristen-Wiig-pissed\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Demelza grabs a bottle of brandy and runs to some random pregnant girl's house. Random Mom-To-Be is in labor and needs to get blackout drunk immediately (I don't blame her). She thankfully does not die from preeclampsia (still and forever traumatized by Sybil's fate in \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a>).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her baby daddy comes home to meet his new child and brings good news from the mine: they found tin! That's cool and all, but this means my dream of the mine closing forever and never having to hear about it again has been dashed yet again. You can't always get what you want, I suppose.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, she's complaining (you don't say!) about how she doesn't have a man to do all the thinking for her anymore. Mid-rant, she notices a bunch of dudes (sent by Malfoy to scare her into marrying him) digging in her front yard for tin. Her mother comes to the window to take a look and randomly has a stroke.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And it's bad. She'll need constant care for the rest of her life. Elizabeth is really bummed she has to be a nurse now... unless Malfoy pays for one? She invites him over and he promptly proposes. WTF is going on? Doesn't anyone date around here? Elizabeth is unconvinced, until he reminds her how big his house is. She quickly changes her tune, while picturing her future of drowning in gold coins:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-30.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-47358 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-30.gif\" alt=\"giphy-30\" width=\"318\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the mine, Ross thinks they should secure the ceiling with timbers before continuing to look for more tin. Everyone else is like, \u003cem>Naaaaah\u003c/em>. Someone's totally going to die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the woods, Doc rides by the spot where he and Blondie made out next to a horse butt. He hums a melancholy melody that, two centuries later, will be adapted into a hit single titled \"My Heart Will Go On.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/xYwXYrK.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47450\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/xYwXYrK.gif\" alt=\"xywxyrk\" width=\"499\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Verity pays a visit and Demelza shares her worries that Ross is going to cheat on her with Elizabeth. Verity is like, \u003cem>Don't even worry about it! That would never happen!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear Demelza, find more perceptive friends. Worry about it. It \u003cem>will\u003c/em> happen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the library, Verity's obnoxiously cheerful stepson suggests that Doc join the Navy. Always full of bad ideas and terrible advice, Ross seconds the suggestion: \u003cem>Go for it! You might die, but who cares! \u003c/em>Broken-hearted Doc likes the idea of dying and plans to consider the idea.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross' War BFF and his overly-trimmed mustache show up again. Demelza is like, \u003cem>Um, last time you were here you held me at gunpoint and tried to arrest my husband.\u003c/em> He responds with Rod Stewart lyrics:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Have I told you lately that I love you?\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>Have I told you there's no one else above you?\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>Ease my troubles, that's what you do.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is like, \u003cem>Um, cool. Thanks? \u003c/em>And then runs from the room.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47425\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/GIF.gif\" alt=\"gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the mine, the ceiling caves in and two workers die, including Random New Mom's baby daddy. That's sad, but this revives my dream of the mine closing permanently and never having to hear about it again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47451\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\" alt=\"evil-smile\" width=\"275\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Elizabeth's house, Malfoy comes over to gloat about Ross' dead workers. Agatha thinks, \u003cem>Who would fall for such an evil piece of you-know-what?\u003c/em> Then she remembers Elizabeth exists. A mere moment later, Elizabeth accepts Malfoy's proposal. I'm sorry, but how did she get from \u003cem>Aw, some poor people died\u003c/em> to \u003cem>I think I'll serve a rosemary-rubbed salmon at the reception \u003c/em>so quickly?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha makes all these faces at Elizabeth:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/4be5d4f99504117ad25ec45bacfd83d9.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47433\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/4be5d4f99504117ad25ec45bacfd83d9.gif\" alt=\"4be5d4f99504117ad25ec45bacfd83d9\" width=\"396\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross receives a letter from Elizabeth about her engagement. It's a mix of \u003cem>sorry not sorry\u003c/em> sentiments and groan-worthy lines like this: \"I seem to need the strength and protection only a man can give.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' reaction in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/J7Z9OIe.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47434\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/J7Z9OIe.gif\" alt=\"j7z9oie\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He decides he must rush over there and make her change her mind. Demelza tries to stop him, but he makes her back down by doing this right in her face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/0Jxxb.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47436\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/0Jxxb.gif\" alt=\"0jxxb\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he gets to Elizabeth's house, he starts barking and banging on the door and then literally kicks it down because he's a monster and that's the kind of thing monsters do. He marches upstairs and barges in her room. A lot of whining and yelling ensues, and all of it boils down to sexist ideas like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-32.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47435\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-32.gif\" alt=\"giphy-32\" width=\"500\" height=\"295\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth eventually stands up for herself and tells him that she won't be instructed and that he should get the F out of her house. He responds by respecting her wishes and apologizing for his brutish behavior.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, no. That's what should have happened. Instead we get this: The \"hero\" of this show forces himself on her. She tells him to stop. He doesn't listen. He grabs her and is about to throw her onto the bed and have his way with her like a Neanderthal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> You wouldn't dare!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross the Rapist:\u003c/strong> Oh, I would!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He throws her on the bed and jumps on top of her. After some horizontal struggling, we're supposed to believe that Elizabeth starts to enjoy herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_maojs7DBEh1rzbvsto1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47437\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_maojs7DBEh1rzbvsto1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_maojs7dbeh1rzbvsto1_250\" width=\"148\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Ross finally comes home. Demelza is outside waiting for a good explanation. She gets this really subpar one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"What can I say? It was something I cannot explain. You must see I had no choice.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is he serious?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza, finish him, \u003cem>Mortal Kombat\u003c/em> style!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/mileena2-1428950136.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47438\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/mileena2-1428950136.gif\" alt=\"mileena2-1428950136\" width=\"320\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She doesn't quite gobble him up and spit out his bones, but she does punch him right in the eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/hermionepunch.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47439\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/hermionepunch.gif\" alt=\"hermionepunch\" width=\"330\" height=\"141\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'll take it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, I usually reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, but this time, I only have pieces of coal to hand out.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, the show.\u003c/strong> Way to contribute to the rape myth that, even when a woman says no, she secretly wants it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/em> Aidan Turner, the actor who plays Ross.\u003c/strong> In an \u003ca href=\"https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/1543363/bbc-cuts-storyline-from-next-series-of-poldark-which-would-have-seen-married-hero-forcing-ex-elizabeth-into-bed/\" target=\"_blank\">interview\u003c/a> with \u003cem>The Sun\u003c/em> about the rape scene, he had this to say: “It seems consensual, and it just seems right.\" Wow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>AND ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/em> Ross. \u003c/strong>For obvious reasons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> and read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Ross does something so horrible that you'll feel bad about all the time you've spent looking at shirtless pictures of him.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross did everything in his power to get in trouble with the law again, Demelza did everything in her power to not stab him, and Murphy's Law did everything in its power to prevent Doc, Blondie and Horace the Pug from eloping and finding bliss. Will Ross be hanged, turning \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> into a show only about Demelza, Agatha, and all the cool animals? Will Demelza finally get an annulment and pursue a career as a pop star in the big city? Will Elizabeth take a much-needed break from being super-duper annoying? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After barely escaping arrest and death, Ross should be lying low right about now. He's not, of course. Instead, he's getting letters from his Illegal Smuggling Boss. Demelza has had it. Officially.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Judas, Ross! Will you never learn?!?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Possibly not.\" *smug smirk*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kill him, Demelza. Just kill him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, Ross is already in court. The judge is gleefully ready to punish him, but Ross brings in three surprise alibis. Case dismissed! Hmm, that was anti-climactic. Doc also gets off with a small fine for building that warning bonfire. Rich white dudes have all the luck. Remember when this same judge sentenced a poor person to several years in a typhus-infested prison for stealing a chicken and a different poor person to the gallows for throwing poop in Parliament Wannabe's face. Yeah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside the courthouse, Doc pretends he's totally over Blondie:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/T55vZAITLI8'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/T55vZAITLI8'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>But on the inside, he's like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/200.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-46932\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/200.gif\" alt=\"200\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Ross apologizes to Demelza for all his really terrible decisions over the entire time they've known each other. \"I will never again be guilty of such recklessness.\" Ha ha ha... yeah, right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/809dea98d6ba5bde1e3300dcb0191eb4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46933\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/809dea98d6ba5bde1e3300dcb0191eb4.gif\" alt=\"whitney houston laugh not amused gif\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc gets a bunch of mail. Blondie has returned all his letters and written one of her own, which basically reads like the lyrics to \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEuGcWY\">JoJo's 2004 single \"Leave (Get Out)\"\u003c/a>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>Get out! Leave! Right now!\u003cbr>\nIt's the end of you and me\u003cbr>\nYou said that you would treat me right\u003cbr>\nBut you was just a waste of time.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>The next day, Demelza is in the town square, minding her business, when Elizabeth calls her over to her carriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \"I've been meaning to call upon you to thank you for your kindness these past few months.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"In lending you my husband?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> \"...in a manner of speaking.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, you're welcome to him, just so long as you remember where he belongs and send him back to me when you're done with him.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1564jzc.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47349\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/1564jzc.gif\" alt=\"1564jzc\" width=\"360\" height=\"203\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Memo to everyone in Cornwall: Demelza is not the one to mess with.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Demelza, still on the war path, confronts Ross about how he sold all his shares in the old mine, information she received from a stranger in town. Ross is like,\u003cem> Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot to tell you! I gave away almost all of our money to my ex-girlfriend, leading us to live in squalor for months and months, because she's a delicate flower and needs nice things more than you do. That's not going to be a problem, right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza has two options:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Option A: Break a glass and use it to disembowel him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Option B: Silently stew.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She unfortunately chooses Option B.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38909\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\" alt=\"Kristen-Wiig-pissed\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Demelza grabs a bottle of brandy and runs to some random pregnant girl's house. Random Mom-To-Be is in labor and needs to get blackout drunk immediately (I don't blame her). She thankfully does not die from preeclampsia (still and forever traumatized by Sybil's fate in \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a>).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her baby daddy comes home to meet his new child and brings good news from the mine: they found tin! That's cool and all, but this means my dream of the mine closing forever and never having to hear about it again has been dashed yet again. You can't always get what you want, I suppose.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Elizabeth's house, she's complaining (you don't say!) about how she doesn't have a man to do all the thinking for her anymore. Mid-rant, she notices a bunch of dudes (sent by Malfoy to scare her into marrying him) digging in her front yard for tin. Her mother comes to the window to take a look and randomly has a stroke.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And it's bad. She'll need constant care for the rest of her life. Elizabeth is really bummed she has to be a nurse now... unless Malfoy pays for one? She invites him over and he promptly proposes. WTF is going on? Doesn't anyone date around here? Elizabeth is unconvinced, until he reminds her how big his house is. She quickly changes her tune, while picturing her future of drowning in gold coins:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-30.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-47358 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-30.gif\" alt=\"giphy-30\" width=\"318\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the mine, Ross thinks they should secure the ceiling with timbers before continuing to look for more tin. Everyone else is like, \u003cem>Naaaaah\u003c/em>. Someone's totally going to die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the woods, Doc rides by the spot where he and Blondie made out next to a horse butt. He hums a melancholy melody that, two centuries later, will be adapted into a hit single titled \"My Heart Will Go On.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/xYwXYrK.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47450\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/xYwXYrK.gif\" alt=\"xywxyrk\" width=\"499\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Verity pays a visit and Demelza shares her worries that Ross is going to cheat on her with Elizabeth. Verity is like, \u003cem>Don't even worry about it! That would never happen!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear Demelza, find more perceptive friends. Worry about it. It \u003cem>will\u003c/em> happen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the library, Verity's obnoxiously cheerful stepson suggests that Doc join the Navy. Always full of bad ideas and terrible advice, Ross seconds the suggestion: \u003cem>Go for it! You might die, but who cares! \u003c/em>Broken-hearted Doc likes the idea of dying and plans to consider the idea.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross' War BFF and his overly-trimmed mustache show up again. Demelza is like, \u003cem>Um, last time you were here you held me at gunpoint and tried to arrest my husband.\u003c/em> He responds with Rod Stewart lyrics:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Have I told you lately that I love you?\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>Have I told you there's no one else above you?\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness\u003c/em>\u003cbr>\n\u003cem>Ease my troubles, that's what you do.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is like, \u003cem>Um, cool. Thanks? \u003c/em>And then runs from the room.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47425\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/GIF.gif\" alt=\"gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the mine, the ceiling caves in and two workers die, including Random New Mom's baby daddy. That's sad, but this revives my dream of the mine closing permanently and never having to hear about it again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47451\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\" alt=\"evil-smile\" width=\"275\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Elizabeth's house, Malfoy comes over to gloat about Ross' dead workers. Agatha thinks, \u003cem>Who would fall for such an evil piece of you-know-what?\u003c/em> Then she remembers Elizabeth exists. A mere moment later, Elizabeth accepts Malfoy's proposal. I'm sorry, but how did she get from \u003cem>Aw, some poor people died\u003c/em> to \u003cem>I think I'll serve a rosemary-rubbed salmon at the reception \u003c/em>so quickly?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha makes all these faces at Elizabeth:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/4be5d4f99504117ad25ec45bacfd83d9.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47433\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/4be5d4f99504117ad25ec45bacfd83d9.gif\" alt=\"4be5d4f99504117ad25ec45bacfd83d9\" width=\"396\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross receives a letter from Elizabeth about her engagement. It's a mix of \u003cem>sorry not sorry\u003c/em> sentiments and groan-worthy lines like this: \"I seem to need the strength and protection only a man can give.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' reaction in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/J7Z9OIe.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47434\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/J7Z9OIe.gif\" alt=\"j7z9oie\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He decides he must rush over there and make her change her mind. Demelza tries to stop him, but he makes her back down by doing this right in her face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/0Jxxb.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47436\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/0Jxxb.gif\" alt=\"0jxxb\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he gets to Elizabeth's house, he starts barking and banging on the door and then literally kicks it down because he's a monster and that's the kind of thing monsters do. He marches upstairs and barges in her room. A lot of whining and yelling ensues, and all of it boils down to sexist ideas like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-32.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47435\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-32.gif\" alt=\"giphy-32\" width=\"500\" height=\"295\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elizabeth eventually stands up for herself and tells him that she won't be instructed and that he should get the F out of her house. He responds by respecting her wishes and apologizing for his brutish behavior.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, no. That's what should have happened. Instead we get this: The \"hero\" of this show forces himself on her. She tells him to stop. He doesn't listen. He grabs her and is about to throw her onto the bed and have his way with her like a Neanderthal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Elizabeth:\u003c/strong> You wouldn't dare!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross the Rapist:\u003c/strong> Oh, I would!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He throws her on the bed and jumps on top of her. After some horizontal struggling, we're supposed to believe that Elizabeth starts to enjoy herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_maojs7DBEh1rzbvsto1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47437\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_maojs7DBEh1rzbvsto1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_maojs7dbeh1rzbvsto1_250\" width=\"148\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Ross finally comes home. Demelza is outside waiting for a good explanation. She gets this really subpar one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"What can I say? It was something I cannot explain. You must see I had no choice.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is he serious?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza, finish him, \u003cem>Mortal Kombat\u003c/em> style!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/mileena2-1428950136.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47438\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/mileena2-1428950136.gif\" alt=\"mileena2-1428950136\" width=\"320\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She doesn't quite gobble him up and spit out his bones, but she does punch him right in the eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/hermionepunch.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47439\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/hermionepunch.gif\" alt=\"hermionepunch\" width=\"330\" height=\"141\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'll take it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, I usually reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, but this time, I only have pieces of coal to hand out.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, the show.\u003c/strong> Way to contribute to the rape myth that, even when a woman says no, she secretly wants it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/em> Aidan Turner, the actor who plays Ross.\u003c/strong> In an \u003ca href=\"https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/1543363/bbc-cuts-storyline-from-next-series-of-poldark-which-would-have-seen-married-hero-forcing-ex-elizabeth-into-bed/\" target=\"_blank\">interview\u003c/a> with \u003cem>The Sun\u003c/em> about the rape scene, he had this to say: “It seems consensual, and it just seems right.\" Wow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>AND ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/em> Ross. \u003c/strong>For obvious reasons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> and read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/11/06/poldark-season-2-episode-6-recap-informer/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer",
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"content": "\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross tried really hard not to cheat on Demelza, Demelza tried really hard not to kill Ross, and Blondie and Doc made out next to a horse butt again. Will Ross and Pinky Ring just get the adultery over with already? Will Demelza respond by pulling a Lorena Bobbitt? Will Agatha loudly proclaim her undying devotion to alcohol again? Will Horace the Pug get lost and embark on a \u003cem>Homeward Bound\u003c/em>-esque journey with Demelza's pup and Malfoy's uncle's pooch? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Breaking news alert! The French chopped off Marie Antoinette's husband's head! Everyone in Cornwall is freaking out over the overseas drama, but Ross' War BFF (the dude who is constantly in uniform) will not let some pesky revolution distract him from jailing all the illegal traders -- with the help of the secret informer. Is it just me, or do you also hear this song every time someone on this show says that word?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0yGvypBwyA\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh. Just me? Cool.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza is sawing wood and imagining that she's sawing into Ross and Pinky Ring's faces. Her voodoo wood-mutilation is cut short by two approaching men. Demelza orders Garrick the Dog (OMG, he's alive!) to attack them. The men are like, \u003cem>Woah, woah! It's us! Ross' illegal trading buddies!\u003c/em> Demelza is like, \u003cem>I know. That's why I'm trying to give you rabies.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Garrick, did you know that the real-life dog that plays him was abandoned, rescued, and now, in addition to starring in \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, has been cast in the upcoming \u003cem>Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them\u003c/em> \u003cem>and\u003c/em> Emma Watson's live-action version of \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em>? \u003ca href=\"https://www.thesun.co.uk/archives/tv/1123229/the-dog-thats-having-its-day-rescue-animal-becomes-tvs-most-in-demand-mutt-after-starring-in-poldark/\">It's true\u003c/a>! Now I need to know the real-life details of Horace the Pug and Malfoy's uncle's dog. These three are quickly becoming my favorite part of this show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, let's move beyond canines (for now) and see what Ross is up to. Oh, the same thing as every other episode: sucking at mining. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Ross needs to cut his losses and convert his mine into a a spot for hipsters to buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He'll never have to worry about money again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza continues to yell at the illegal traders to get their crap from under the floorboards and:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_n0bbjpmUtQ1s7hg3xo1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45886\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_n0bbjpmUtQ1s7hg3xo1_400.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n0bbjpmutq1s7hg3xo1_400\" width=\"350\" height=\"279\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's check back in with Ross. Has he returned home to handle his own illegal business dealings and to spend some quality time with his wife and infant? Ha ha, nope! He's at Pinky Ring's, of course, inching closer and closer to adultery.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I will always have reason to call, if you wish it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"I wish it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/alAx0zM.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/alAx0zM.gif\" alt=\"alax0zm\" width=\"500\" height=\"202\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Demelza is still giving grade-A death stare.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45889\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-800x436.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-11-05-at-10-51-06-am\" width=\"800\" height=\"436\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-800x436.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-160x87.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-768x419.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-1020x556.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-1180x644.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-960x524.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-240x131.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-375x205.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-520x284.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM.png 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It only increases in intensity when Ross shares his plan to not only store smuggled goods, but to personally go on one of the smuggling runs. But maybe this is a good thing. Ross can get his stupid ass caught and go to prison, paving the way for \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> to become all about Demelza and the three dogs. Now \u003cem>that\u003c/em> would be must-see TV!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc and Blondie debate whether they should elope or try to convince Blondie's uncle to be chill and just let them get married the non-shady way. I don't care either way, as long as I get a shot of Horace the Pug serving as the ring-bearer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>More details about the smuggling run: Ross is going all the way to France (I guess ticket prices dropped, thanks to all the social unrest and beheadings and such). His mission will be to find that dude from Season 1 who strangled his cheating wife to death and ask his advice on which part of the mine might actually have copper. This storyline is embarrassing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Malfoy runs into Ross. Despite my immense desire for one of them to slap the other with a glove, they just mean mug each other and walk away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy returns home and orders his Slytherin Crony to go to Pinky Ring's house at once. He's supposed to scare her with details of the French Revolution so that she comes running for Malfoy's help, but it doesn't quite work out that way. She instead writes to Ross because home-wreckers gonna home-wreck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha, on the other hand, doesn't need a man for protection.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha:\u003c/strong> \"Fetch me a pistol. I can stop an intruder in his tracks.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"I don't doubt it, aunt. With or without a firearm.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_odagiuxFeT1smwl44o2_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_odagiuxFeT1smwl44o2_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_odagiuxfet1smwl44o2_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Doc stops by to tell Demelza he's skipping town to marry Blondie and won't be coming back. Demelza plays it cool, but this will be her at the going-away party, because a) she loves to sing and b) Doc is one of the only nice people in all of Cornwall:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/11c839f0-d25f-0132-45f5-0ebc4eccb42f.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/11c839f0-d25f-0132-45f5-0ebc4eccb42f.gif\" alt=\"11c839f0-d25f-0132-45f5-0ebc4eccb42f\" width=\"500\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring is livid at Ross for not responding to her letter. You can't see me, but I'm pointing and laughing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45910\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tenor.gif\" alt=\"tenor\" width=\"390\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blondie pays Demelza a visit. Her need for girl talk supersedes her hatred of poor people, just this once. Blondie is worried Doc has changed his mind about the elopement. Demelza is like, \u003cem>No way!\u003c/em> But Blondie hits her with a \u003cem>Girl, who are you kidding? \u003c/em>question:\u003cem> \u003c/em>\"Is that your experience of husbands, to be relied upon?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/kid-crying-interview.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45913\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/kid-crying-interview.gif\" alt=\"kid-crying-interview\" width=\"360\" height=\"189\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In France, Ross meets up with Wife Strangler, who now looks like \u003ca href=\"https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/6c/f3/74/6cf374f1222add3feba608e8e4347650.jpg\">Tom Hanks in \u003cem>Castaway\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://media.giphy.com/media/JjLylCKqqQs5q/giphy.gif\">Tom Hanks in \u003cem>Forrest Gump\u003c/em>\u003c/a>. You decide. He shares how much he wishes he could strangle Doc to death for sleeping with his wife. I'm guessing France doesn't offer anger-management classes?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and friends are all like, \u003cem>Dude, you've done enough strangling. Now, where's the copper?\u003c/em> Wife Strangler tries to show them on a map and they all look at each other like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Kim-Kardashian-looking-at-Kanye-West-shaking-their-heads-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45914\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Kim-Kardashian-looking-at-Kanye-West-shaking-their-heads-GIF.gif\" alt=\"kim-kardashian-looking-at-kanye-west-shaking-their-heads-gif\" width=\"460\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He doesn't really know where the copper is, after all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Malfoy sends his Slytherin Crony to scare Pinky Ring some more by lying about poor people planning to storm her property. Agatha swoops in with some words of wisdom: \"Male of the species: inadequate at best. Better to rely on one's own resources.\" And then she PULLS OUT A HUGE GUN!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_odagiuxFeT1smwl44o3_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45937\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_odagiuxFeT1smwl44o3_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_odagiuxfet1smwl44o3_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>News of this fake riot-in-the-making makes Pinky Ring even angrier with Ross. How dare he not reply to her letter?! She's his.... ex-girlfriend who ditched him for his richer cousin, while he was fighting for his life on the front lines. Yeah. You reap what you sow, girlfriend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, she doesn't have any common sense and trots on over to chez Ross to bug Demelza. \u003cem>Why hasn't your husband replied to my love note? Wahhhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza considers this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-25.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45938\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-25.gif\" alt=\"giphy-25\" width=\"500\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But opts for this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45939\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-10.gif\" alt=\"shooting daggers eyes gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Wonky Knee Girl, who Doc cured last episode using the knowledge he acquired by inappropriately cutting off a corpse's leg, is having trouble walking again. Doc gets word and wants to help, but he's supposed to meet Blondie in the woods for their elopement. Because he's a good person and doesn't want the other town doctor to chop off this girl's entire leg, he runs to help, which means he's essentially stranding Blondie at the altar because this was before texting. I guess we'll never get to see Horace the Pug serve as ring-bearer, after all.\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/dog-anim.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-45971 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/dog-anim.gif\" alt=\"dog-anim\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc easily turns Wonky Knee Girl into Functional Knee Girl. Ok, great! Now he doesn't have to be late for his elopement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast! Functional Knee Girl's fiancé, who also happens to be the dude who barged into Ross' house last episode and saw all the smugglers digging a hole in the living room floor, is revealed to have lied about a thing or two. Doc and Demelza look at each other, this song now stuck in their heads:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0yGvypBwyA\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Horace the Pug is growing very impatient. Blondie, too, I suppose.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45947\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-800x402.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"402\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-800x402.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-160x80.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-768x386.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-1020x512.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-1180x593.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-960x482.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-240x121.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-375x188.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-520x261.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc runs over to Informer's house. Homeboy does not have a fever, but he does have fancy curtains and candlesticks. You, too, can have nice housewares, if you sell out your friends for years.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza hurries home, seeing tons of military men on the way. She informs Mrs. Pigpen that she's going to head down to the beach to warn Ross. Only trouble is Ross' War BFF busts in right then and orders a man with a gun to not let her leave for the rest of the evening.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the Informer's house, Doc tries to leave to tell the others, but Informer breaks a chair on his back! When that doesn't kill him, Informer tries to bludgeon him with a fireplace poker. When that doesn't work, he tries to stab him to death. Thankfully, Doc lands a few blows and runs out. (Maybe he's been taking boxing lessons in heels like Malfoy?)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Side-note: I watched that entire fight like Aly Raisman's parents:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/PlayfulBeneficialGander-size_restricted.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45972\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/PlayfulBeneficialGander-size_restricted.gif\" alt=\"playfulbeneficialgander-size_restricted\" width=\"250\" height=\"141\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From there, Doc goes to a hill overlooking the beach and makes a bonfire to warn foolhardy Ross and his stupid friends. Unfortunately, they're already on the beach, unloading, by the time they notice it. Ross yells for everyone to get back in the boat, but he wants to take his chances running around on the beach while soldiers shoot at him, proving that he got everything in the looks department and almost nothing in the brains department.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs up the hill and knocks out some soldiers. This plan is really stupid. A single punch isn't strong enough to give them early-onset Alzheimer's. They will remember who knocked them out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of being knocked out, a soldier hits Doc on the head with his rifle. No good deed goes unpunished, which is something Blondie knows very well, as she and Horace are sitting in her coach in the rain and cold, waiting for someone who isn't coming. Horace is TREMBLING! All because of Ross and his constant shenanigans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza manages to sneak out of the house (because she's got it like that) and finds Ross in the woods. Guards are everywhere. The plan is to run home and have Ross hide in the library, where the secret cellar is. Pretty sure Informer told them about that secret spot, but okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The very moment Demelza walks back into the house, one of the dudes that Ross knocked out barges in. Like I expected, he did not develop early-onset Alzheimer's. A bunch of soldiers storm the library, point their guns at the secret cellar and...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45974\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-26.gif\" alt=\"giphy-26\" width=\"440\" height=\"330\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...it's empty!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Phew!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-27.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45973\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-27.gif\" alt=\"giphy-27\" width=\"500\" height=\"395\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring hears about the soldiers running around and once again loudly complains about Ross not writing her back. GET OVER YOUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!! Being the petty middle schooler that she is, she immediately writes Malfoy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, after some time in custody, Doc is released. He runs to Blondie's mansion, but all that's there for him is a letter from her saying goodbye forever. THANKS, ROSS!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here's a live feed of Blondie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/JmW19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45975\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/JmW19.gif\" alt=\"jmw19\" width=\"500\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Pigpen and some other smugglers are on the hunt for the Informer. They're out for blood. But they're not going to get any because -- plot twist! -- the Informer has already been murdered and dumped on the beach. That's what he gets for being the main reason Horace the Pug had to tremble in the cold all night long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy stops by to tattle on Ross. Agatha calls BS on everything he says, with punctuations of \"Stuff!\" and \"Piffle!\" I'm so glad she's immortal and will never die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza is worried sick. The rug and table in the library moved, so Ross has definitely been there. Where in the world is Ross Poldark (and \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ImLfvgPJd8\">Carmen Sandiego\u003c/a>)?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, in a side compartment of the secret cellar! He emerges and walks in on Demelza singing her first single. She runs to him and they embrace. All is well... until he has to deal with the fact that he punched a bunch of soldiers and has been exposed as an illegal smuggler. But other than that, and the fact that he's in love with another woman, it's all good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Pinky Ring.\u003c/strong> Sometimes, people don't reply to letters, emails or texts because they are busy and their lives don't revolve around you. GET OVER YOURSELF.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> \u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Let her life be a lesson: think twice before marrying a dude just because he's easy on the eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Blondie.\u003c/strong>\u003cem> \u003c/em>Being stood up in the cold like that is terrible, but there's a silver lining. Now, she can release really powerful breakup anthems and become the 18th-century Taylor Swift!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Agatha. \u003c/strong>That gun reveal. Pure gold.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Doc. \u003c/strong>I'm glad he survived being assaulted by a chair, a poker, a knife, a rifle butt, \u003cem>and\u003c/em> a breakup letter. He's earned a lengthy vacation. Wonky Knee Girl will just have to fend for herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Remember when Judas betrayed Jesus and all hell broke loose? This episode is kind of like that.",
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"description": "Remember when Judas betrayed Jesus and all hell broke loose? This episode is kind of like that.",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Ross tried really hard not to cheat on Demelza, Demelza tried really hard not to kill Ross, and Blondie and Doc made out next to a horse butt again. Will Ross and Pinky Ring just get the adultery over with already? Will Demelza respond by pulling a Lorena Bobbitt? Will Agatha loudly proclaim her undying devotion to alcohol again? Will Horace the Pug get lost and embark on a \u003cem>Homeward Bound\u003c/em>-esque journey with Demelza's pup and Malfoy's uncle's pooch? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Breaking news alert! The French chopped off Marie Antoinette's husband's head! Everyone in Cornwall is freaking out over the overseas drama, but Ross' War BFF (the dude who is constantly in uniform) will not let some pesky revolution distract him from jailing all the illegal traders -- with the help of the secret informer. Is it just me, or do you also hear this song every time someone on this show says that word?\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/B0yGvypBwyA'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/B0yGvypBwyA'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Oh. Just me? Cool.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza is sawing wood and imagining that she's sawing into Ross and Pinky Ring's faces. Her voodoo wood-mutilation is cut short by two approaching men. Demelza orders Garrick the Dog (OMG, he's alive!) to attack them. The men are like, \u003cem>Woah, woah! It's us! Ross' illegal trading buddies!\u003c/em> Demelza is like, \u003cem>I know. That's why I'm trying to give you rabies.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Garrick, did you know that the real-life dog that plays him was abandoned, rescued, and now, in addition to starring in \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, has been cast in the upcoming \u003cem>Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them\u003c/em> \u003cem>and\u003c/em> Emma Watson's live-action version of \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em>? \u003ca href=\"https://www.thesun.co.uk/archives/tv/1123229/the-dog-thats-having-its-day-rescue-animal-becomes-tvs-most-in-demand-mutt-after-starring-in-poldark/\">It's true\u003c/a>! Now I need to know the real-life details of Horace the Pug and Malfoy's uncle's dog. These three are quickly becoming my favorite part of this show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, let's move beyond canines (for now) and see what Ross is up to. Oh, the same thing as every other episode: sucking at mining. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Ross needs to cut his losses and convert his mine into a a spot for hipsters to buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He'll never have to worry about money again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza continues to yell at the illegal traders to get their crap from under the floorboards and:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_n0bbjpmUtQ1s7hg3xo1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45886\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_n0bbjpmUtQ1s7hg3xo1_400.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n0bbjpmutq1s7hg3xo1_400\" width=\"350\" height=\"279\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's check back in with Ross. Has he returned home to handle his own illegal business dealings and to spend some quality time with his wife and infant? Ha ha, nope! He's at Pinky Ring's, of course, inching closer and closer to adultery.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I will always have reason to call, if you wish it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"I wish it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/alAx0zM.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/alAx0zM.gif\" alt=\"alax0zm\" width=\"500\" height=\"202\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Demelza is still giving grade-A death stare.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45889\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-800x436.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-11-05-at-10-51-06-am\" width=\"800\" height=\"436\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-800x436.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-160x87.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-768x419.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-1020x556.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-1180x644.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-960x524.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-240x131.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-375x205.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM-520x284.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Screen-Shot-2016-11-05-at-10.51.06-AM.png 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It only increases in intensity when Ross shares his plan to not only store smuggled goods, but to personally go on one of the smuggling runs. But maybe this is a good thing. Ross can get his stupid ass caught and go to prison, paving the way for \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> to become all about Demelza and the three dogs. Now \u003cem>that\u003c/em> would be must-see TV!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Doc and Blondie debate whether they should elope or try to convince Blondie's uncle to be chill and just let them get married the non-shady way. I don't care either way, as long as I get a shot of Horace the Pug serving as the ring-bearer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>More details about the smuggling run: Ross is going all the way to France (I guess ticket prices dropped, thanks to all the social unrest and beheadings and such). His mission will be to find that dude from Season 1 who strangled his cheating wife to death and ask his advice on which part of the mine might actually have copper. This storyline is embarrassing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Malfoy runs into Ross. Despite my immense desire for one of them to slap the other with a glove, they just mean mug each other and walk away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy returns home and orders his Slytherin Crony to go to Pinky Ring's house at once. He's supposed to scare her with details of the French Revolution so that she comes running for Malfoy's help, but it doesn't quite work out that way. She instead writes to Ross because home-wreckers gonna home-wreck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha, on the other hand, doesn't need a man for protection.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha:\u003c/strong> \"Fetch me a pistol. I can stop an intruder in his tracks.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"I don't doubt it, aunt. With or without a firearm.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_odagiuxFeT1smwl44o2_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_odagiuxFeT1smwl44o2_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_odagiuxfet1smwl44o2_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Doc stops by to tell Demelza he's skipping town to marry Blondie and won't be coming back. Demelza plays it cool, but this will be her at the going-away party, because a) she loves to sing and b) Doc is one of the only nice people in all of Cornwall:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/11c839f0-d25f-0132-45f5-0ebc4eccb42f.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/11c839f0-d25f-0132-45f5-0ebc4eccb42f.gif\" alt=\"11c839f0-d25f-0132-45f5-0ebc4eccb42f\" width=\"500\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring is livid at Ross for not responding to her letter. You can't see me, but I'm pointing and laughing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45910\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tenor.gif\" alt=\"tenor\" width=\"390\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blondie pays Demelza a visit. Her need for girl talk supersedes her hatred of poor people, just this once. Blondie is worried Doc has changed his mind about the elopement. Demelza is like, \u003cem>No way!\u003c/em> But Blondie hits her with a \u003cem>Girl, who are you kidding? \u003c/em>question:\u003cem> \u003c/em>\"Is that your experience of husbands, to be relied upon?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/kid-crying-interview.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45913\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/kid-crying-interview.gif\" alt=\"kid-crying-interview\" width=\"360\" height=\"189\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In France, Ross meets up with Wife Strangler, who now looks like \u003ca href=\"https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/6c/f3/74/6cf374f1222add3feba608e8e4347650.jpg\">Tom Hanks in \u003cem>Castaway\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://media.giphy.com/media/JjLylCKqqQs5q/giphy.gif\">Tom Hanks in \u003cem>Forrest Gump\u003c/em>\u003c/a>. You decide. He shares how much he wishes he could strangle Doc to death for sleeping with his wife. I'm guessing France doesn't offer anger-management classes?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and friends are all like, \u003cem>Dude, you've done enough strangling. Now, where's the copper?\u003c/em> Wife Strangler tries to show them on a map and they all look at each other like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Kim-Kardashian-looking-at-Kanye-West-shaking-their-heads-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45914\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/Kim-Kardashian-looking-at-Kanye-West-shaking-their-heads-GIF.gif\" alt=\"kim-kardashian-looking-at-kanye-west-shaking-their-heads-gif\" width=\"460\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He doesn't really know where the copper is, after all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Cornwall, Malfoy sends his Slytherin Crony to scare Pinky Ring some more by lying about poor people planning to storm her property. Agatha swoops in with some words of wisdom: \"Male of the species: inadequate at best. Better to rely on one's own resources.\" And then she PULLS OUT A HUGE GUN!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_odagiuxFeT1smwl44o3_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45937\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/tumblr_odagiuxFeT1smwl44o3_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_odagiuxfet1smwl44o3_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>News of this fake riot-in-the-making makes Pinky Ring even angrier with Ross. How dare he not reply to her letter?! She's his.... ex-girlfriend who ditched him for his richer cousin, while he was fighting for his life on the front lines. Yeah. You reap what you sow, girlfriend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, she doesn't have any common sense and trots on over to chez Ross to bug Demelza. \u003cem>Why hasn't your husband replied to my love note? Wahhhh!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza considers this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-25.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45938\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-25.gif\" alt=\"giphy-25\" width=\"500\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But opts for this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45939\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/raw-10.gif\" alt=\"shooting daggers eyes gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Wonky Knee Girl, who Doc cured last episode using the knowledge he acquired by inappropriately cutting off a corpse's leg, is having trouble walking again. Doc gets word and wants to help, but he's supposed to meet Blondie in the woods for their elopement. Because he's a good person and doesn't want the other town doctor to chop off this girl's entire leg, he runs to help, which means he's essentially stranding Blondie at the altar because this was before texting. I guess we'll never get to see Horace the Pug serve as ring-bearer, after all.\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/dog-anim.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-45971 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/dog-anim.gif\" alt=\"dog-anim\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc easily turns Wonky Knee Girl into Functional Knee Girl. Ok, great! Now he doesn't have to be late for his elopement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast! Functional Knee Girl's fiancé, who also happens to be the dude who barged into Ross' house last episode and saw all the smugglers digging a hole in the living room floor, is revealed to have lied about a thing or two. Doc and Demelza look at each other, this song now stuck in their heads:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/B0yGvypBwyA'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/B0yGvypBwyA'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Meanwhile, Horace the Pug is growing very impatient. Blondie, too, I suppose.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45947\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-800x402.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"402\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-800x402.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-160x80.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-768x386.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-1020x512.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-1180x593.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-960x482.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-240x121.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-375x188.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark-520x261.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/horace-pug-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc runs over to Informer's house. Homeboy does not have a fever, but he does have fancy curtains and candlesticks. You, too, can have nice housewares, if you sell out your friends for years.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza hurries home, seeing tons of military men on the way. She informs Mrs. Pigpen that she's going to head down to the beach to warn Ross. Only trouble is Ross' War BFF busts in right then and orders a man with a gun to not let her leave for the rest of the evening.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the Informer's house, Doc tries to leave to tell the others, but Informer breaks a chair on his back! When that doesn't kill him, Informer tries to bludgeon him with a fireplace poker. When that doesn't work, he tries to stab him to death. Thankfully, Doc lands a few blows and runs out. (Maybe he's been taking boxing lessons in heels like Malfoy?)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Side-note: I watched that entire fight like Aly Raisman's parents:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/PlayfulBeneficialGander-size_restricted.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45972\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/PlayfulBeneficialGander-size_restricted.gif\" alt=\"playfulbeneficialgander-size_restricted\" width=\"250\" height=\"141\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From there, Doc goes to a hill overlooking the beach and makes a bonfire to warn foolhardy Ross and his stupid friends. Unfortunately, they're already on the beach, unloading, by the time they notice it. Ross yells for everyone to get back in the boat, but he wants to take his chances running around on the beach while soldiers shoot at him, proving that he got everything in the looks department and almost nothing in the brains department.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs up the hill and knocks out some soldiers. This plan is really stupid. A single punch isn't strong enough to give them early-onset Alzheimer's. They will remember who knocked them out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of being knocked out, a soldier hits Doc on the head with his rifle. No good deed goes unpunished, which is something Blondie knows very well, as she and Horace are sitting in her coach in the rain and cold, waiting for someone who isn't coming. Horace is TREMBLING! All because of Ross and his constant shenanigans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza manages to sneak out of the house (because she's got it like that) and finds Ross in the woods. Guards are everywhere. The plan is to run home and have Ross hide in the library, where the secret cellar is. Pretty sure Informer told them about that secret spot, but okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The very moment Demelza walks back into the house, one of the dudes that Ross knocked out barges in. Like I expected, he did not develop early-onset Alzheimer's. A bunch of soldiers storm the library, point their guns at the secret cellar and...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45974\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-26.gif\" alt=\"giphy-26\" width=\"440\" height=\"330\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...it's empty!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Phew!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-27.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-45973\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/giphy-27.gif\" alt=\"giphy-27\" width=\"500\" height=\"395\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring hears about the soldiers running around and once again loudly complains about Ross not writing her back. GET OVER YOUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!! Being the petty middle schooler that she is, she immediately writes Malfoy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, after some time in custody, Doc is released. He runs to Blondie's mansion, but all that's there for him is a letter from her saying goodbye forever. THANKS, ROSS!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here's a live feed of Blondie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/JmW19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-45975\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/JmW19.gif\" alt=\"jmw19\" width=\"500\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Pigpen and some other smugglers are on the hunt for the Informer. They're out for blood. But they're not going to get any because -- plot twist! -- the Informer has already been murdered and dumped on the beach. That's what he gets for being the main reason Horace the Pug had to tremble in the cold all night long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy stops by to tattle on Ross. Agatha calls BS on everything he says, with punctuations of \"Stuff!\" and \"Piffle!\" I'm so glad she's immortal and will never die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza is worried sick. The rug and table in the library moved, so Ross has definitely been there. Where in the world is Ross Poldark (and \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ImLfvgPJd8\">Carmen Sandiego\u003c/a>)?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, in a side compartment of the secret cellar! He emerges and walks in on Demelza singing her first single. She runs to him and they embrace. All is well... until he has to deal with the fact that he punched a bunch of soldiers and has been exposed as an illegal smuggler. But other than that, and the fact that he's in love with another woman, it's all good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Pinky Ring.\u003c/strong> Sometimes, people don't reply to letters, emails or texts because they are busy and their lives don't revolve around you. GET OVER YOURSELF.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> \u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Let her life be a lesson: think twice before marrying a dude just because he's easy on the eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Blondie.\u003c/strong>\u003cem> \u003c/em>Being stood up in the cold like that is terrible, but there's a silver lining. Now, she can release really powerful breakup anthems and become the 18th-century Taylor Swift!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Agatha. \u003c/strong>That gun reveal. Pure gold.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Doc. \u003c/strong>I'm glad he survived being assaulted by a chair, a poker, a knife, a rifle butt, \u003cem>and\u003c/em> a breakup letter. He's earned a lengthy vacation. Wonky Knee Girl will just have to fend for herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/30/poldark-season-2-episode-5-recap-before-he-cheats/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza gave Ross a sensual sponge bath, Blondie and Doc made out next to a horse's butt, and, oh yeah, Francis DIED. Will Ross make newly-widowed Pinky Ring his second wife, found a religion that permits polygamy, and move to Utah? Will Francis' ghost not realize he's dead and spend a lot of time trying to help a kid who sees dead people? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's been a few weeks since Francis drowned in a puddle and everyone is still really bummed about it. But they can surely take heart in the fact that he died discovering copper, right? Yeah, not so much. Turns out it was \"fool's copper.\" Francis' short life in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/2682207462_1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44480\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/2682207462_1.gif\" alt=\"2682207462_1\" width=\"250\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bright and early, Ross informs Demelza that he's heading off to see Pinky Ring. Demelza is unamused: \"Is Verity's company not enough for her?\" Translation: \u003cem>Can we just skip this whole you-cheat-on-me-in-a-moment-of-weakness-and-lie-about-it-for-months thing? I'm tired.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In anticipation of Ross' visit, Pinky Ring makes sure her hair is on point and pinches her cheeks so that her coloring is as enticing as possible. Verity delivers an express package of \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em> side-eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44489\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-800x441.jpg\" alt=\"verity-poldark-side-eye\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-800x441.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-1020x562.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-1180x650.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-960x529.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-375x207.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-520x287.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Pinky Ring have apparently been galloping around Cornwall twice a week. Pinky Ring says it's to keep her four-year-old son abreast of the state of the mine. Verity, Agatha, Demelza and anyone else with eyes knows these field trips are actually about Ross keeping himself abreast of Pinky Ring's breasts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy and his uncle are really jazzed about sending Ross to debtor's prison for failing to pay his debts. Would modern day people spend this much time being evil, if we didn't have Netflix to distract us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, Ross and Pinky Ring flirt and pretend that they're not going to ruin Demelza's life really soon. Francis Jr. is an awkward plus-one on this date:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44490\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-800x412.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-elizabeth-kid\" width=\"800\" height=\"412\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-800x412.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-1020x525.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-1180x608.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-960x494.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-375x193.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-520x268.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid.jpg 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Doc finds a dead body (maybe from a shipwreck?). Before we can get any answers, Doc takes out a saw and starts cutting off the corpse's leg.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"publizity-wait-whet-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza advises Ross to just ask one of his rich friends to help him stay out of debtor's prison. For the umpteenth time, Ross lets her know he doesn't value her opinion and hates when she talks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Doc's bachelor pad, he's putting his fingers all in the corpse's severed leg. Then he has an Oprah A-ha! Moment™. He uses what he learned from this exercise in anatomy to fix some random villager's wonky knee.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/britney-spears-huh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44500\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/britney-spears-huh.gif\" alt=\"britney-spears-huh\" width=\"500\" height=\"377\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross visits some random dude and says, \u003cem>I'm probably also going to be in jail pretty soon! LOL! \u003c/em>The prisoner tries to reason with him. Surely Ross can just sell his mine shares and avoid ruining his wife's life? Ross responds with,\u003cem> Nah, I prefer living in a constant state of chaos. And I haven't given a damn about my wife in months! LOL!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way home, he runs into Horace the Pug!!! Blondie's there too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44501\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-800x414.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"414\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-800x414.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-768x398.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-1020x528.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-1180x611.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-960x497.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-375x194.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-520x269.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Doc tells Ross and Demelza about his huge crush on Blondie. (WE GET IT! GEEZ!) Then, Ross pretends Demelza doesn't exist and talks about how pointless life is, in light of how quickly you can drown in a puddle. Demelza looks at him like this for a really long time:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44502\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-800x447.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-9-38-43-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-375x209.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-520x290.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM.png 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I hate him, too, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy has returned to say evil things to Tarot Card Agatha's face. \"I think it's high time the coffin-maker started taking measurements, old hag.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44503\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif.gif\" alt=\"how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even if she was deaf, which she's not, she would probably be able to read lips pretty well. I cannot wait for whatever witchcraft she will use to murder this twerp.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The reason for his visit: to give Pinky Ring some weird candy and remind her that she can pay off what Francis owed him via Visa, MasterCard, or preferably sexual favors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza tells Verity that the main pillar of a happy marriage is pretending to believe your husband isn't a cheating bastard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring explains to her son that she plans to smile less around the house so that she doesn't get wrinkles. Her son is just old enough to realize she's lost it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44504\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-800x413.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-elizabeth-tripping\" width=\"800\" height=\"413\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-800x413.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-1020x527.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-1180x609.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-960x496.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-375x194.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-520x268.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping.jpg 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a forest, Doc and Blondie make out next to a horse's butt. Again. This has become their thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44506\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-10-14-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-768x426.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM.png 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They eventually unlock their lips long enough for Blondie to speak some truth about Demelza and the futility of marrying men: \"She seems to be universally adored. She's the sort of woman that all men desire, except her husband. So often happens; no great incentive for marriage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just as I'm starting to like her, she goes back to her rich-people-rule-poor-people-drool routine. She thinks Doc's desire to help the needy is cute and all, but that he should move somewhere fancy and help \"his own kind\" instead. Making out next to horse butts seems fun, but surely they both realize their values are in such opposition that this could never work, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out they're still in the you're-so-hot-that-I-can't-recognize-any-of-your-obvious-flaws stage of their relationship. They celebrate their blissful ignorance by randomly racing each other on horseback (Blondie on side-saddle, of course, because she's not a harlot).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Always full of terrible ideas, Ross comes up with a plan. More illegal trading + storing stolen goods at home = lots of money and zero jail time. Demelza is like, \u003cem>Um, I'm barely literate and terrible at math, but that equation makes no goddamn sense! Just ask your rich friends for help, you proud idiot!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then this amazing exchange, which I've been anticipating for so long, takes place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Do I have your consent?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"YOU DARE TO ASK ME THAT, KNOWING VERY WELL YOU DO EXACTLY AS YOU PLEASE WITH OR WITHOUT MY SAY?!?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then she throws a rake at his face!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/applause-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44516\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/applause-gif.gif\" alt=\"applause-gif\" width=\"615\" height=\"295\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm so very proud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/proud-whitney-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44517\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/proud-whitney-gif.gif\" alt=\"proud-whitney-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And things just get better with this close-up of Horace's face!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44838\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1020x568.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1180x657.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's that, you say? I'm too obsessed with this magical pug? Tell it to my new socks:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792901832372686848\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, Blondie tells her uncle about wanting to hang out with Doc the following day. Her uncle freaks out: \u003cem>But everyone will think you're a whore! Next, you'll tell me you've stopped riding side-saddle.\u003c/em> *male tears* They agree to disagree.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Pinky Ring's house, Verity lets everyone know she is going home tomorrow. Agatha's responds with my new favorite saying: \"FIDDLESTICKS!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792875375730630657\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Verity isn't backing down and shares her plans to make up for lost time with her husband by having lots and lots of sex. Agatha chokes:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792897497395961856\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is annoyed at his uncle for inviting a bunch of 17-year-old girls to their Christmas party. Never one to miss an opportunity to be disgusting, his uncle says: \"Prime breeding stock. You may examine their teeth, if you choose.\" Can we speed up the advent of feminism, pretty please? Absolutely not? Oh. Okay then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another flirty hang with Pinky Ring, during which she complains about how her son isn't going to have as fat a trust fund as previously thought (#WhitePeopleProblems), Ross runs to his banker and tells him to sell a bunch of his mine shares and give all the money to Pinky Ring. The banker speaks for the audience at home:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Banker:\u003c/strong> \"You have your own wife and child to care for. Would it not seem that you value your cousin-in-law's comfort over hers?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"[Demelza] is a miner's daughter. She has learned to survive. Pinky Ring is a gentlewoman.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Banker:\u003c/strong> \"And you're a mad man.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Amen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Blondie's house, Doc arrives after being summoned by her uncle. The interaction goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You better not have sex with my niece!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Sorry, but I'm definitely going to. Probably next to a horse's butt.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Don't you dare!\u003c/em> \u003cem>I will cut off her inheritance!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Her trust fund is the most annoying part about her, so knock yourself out. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy butters up Pinky Ring's mom, but who cares about that when Horace's the Pug's life partner just made his/her debut?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44870\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-800x449.jpg\" alt=\"horace-wife-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"449\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-520x292.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Verity is taking off. She gives Francis Jr. a kiss, gives Pinky Ring a look and says,\u003cem> Try not to be a homewrecker. Okay, bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Ross and his criminal buddies dig a huge hole in the living room to store illegal goods. Demelza knew he wouldn't listen to her, even after she screamed and threw a rake at his face. She watches him make yet another idiotic decision and shoots daggers into his back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44871\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-poldark-daggers-mad\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad.jpg 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bit later, some hot guy named Charlie shows up unannounced and sees the big hole in the living room. Judging by the sinister music, there's a 98% probability he's the Judas.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross takes off his shirt (I hate him so much these days, I don't even care to see his hairy chest anymore) and goes to bed in the brattiest way possible. His response to Demelza's touch:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-44872 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash.gif\" alt=\"mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash\" width=\"853\" height=\"480\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Whatever, dude.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, he runs off to see Pinky Ring because duh. She just got a bunch of money from an anonymous person. Ross pretends it isn't him and then reminds her that he really wishes Demelza didn't exist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I regret that the circumstances are such that I cannot take care of you as I might wish.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"We both regret that, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I regret that both of you haven't been murdered by a puddle yet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross then makes out with her hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44874\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-800x446.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-6-59-26-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-768x428.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-1180x658.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-960x535.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-375x209.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-520x290.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM.png 1223w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-24.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44873\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-24.gif\" alt=\"giphy-24\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward a bit and it's Christmas! Maybe Ross will take a break from being the worst for one day? Yeah, no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"War now seems inevitable.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> *rolls eyes and sighs* \"Merry Christmas, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Now we know our last hope is gone.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Siri, remind me to draft up divorce papers.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, she didn't actually say that last line, but a boy can dream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Agatha continues being the MVP of this entire show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha:\u003c/strong> \"Rose water?! Do I require a fumigant?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"No, aunt, but...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha: \"\u003c/strong>Francis always knew what I liked. Brandy wine, port and canary, preferably all three!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44883\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle.gif\" alt=\"karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle\" width=\"500\" height=\"252\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Agatha has more bon mots where that came from. Malfoy comes in and Agatha grabs Francis Jr. and says, \"Sit by me, child. Beware that man's pitchfork and his tail.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MdaeCpIqmA\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy whisks Pinky Ring to a party so she can watch him examine 17-year-old girls' teeth. She gets jealous, just like he planned. Oy vey, Pinky Ring, Francis JUST died!!! Sure, he was boring, but come on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross and Demelza head to the banker's office to get things in order before Ross is taken to debtor's prison. But -- curveball -- Blondie anonymously bought his debt! She has a soul! Hurrah! (Although Ross does kind of deserve a jail sentence for his attitude at this point.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza skip on over to Malfoy's to revel in their sudden good fortune:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I regret to say I am unable to give you the satisfaction...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Most unfortunate.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...of visiting me in prison. You'll have to make due with this.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"What is this foolery?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Repayment. In full. With interest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy & Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"....\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"We wish you both the compliments of the season.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tumblr_n72a4kJ01L1smcbm7o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44884\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tumblr_n72a4kJ01L1smcbm7o1_400.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n72a4kj01l1smcbm7o1_400\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle freaks out in a major way, but Malfoy reassures him that he'll get revenge by marrying Ross' ex. You can have her, bro.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Pinky Ring's house, where she receives a care package from Malfoy. I'll let Agatha's eye roll speak on my behalf:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792923043731345408\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, he wants to make amends for being such a jerk this past year. He gives Demelza sexy stockings and seductively helps her put them on. Then they have kinky sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> It's going to take more than a pair of stockings and a roll in the hay to make up for all the crap he's been pulling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Demelza's Forgotten Dog. \u003c/strong>What ever happened to him? We haven't seen him for several episodes. Did a puddle murder him? I hope he's okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>If her singing career doesn't pan out, she should be a yoga teacher, 'cause she has mastered the art of breathing through other people's BS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>Blondie.\u003c/strong>\u003cem> \u003c/em>She did good. Now, all she has to do is abstain from giving her opinion on the poor and there won't be any problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Agatha. \u003c/strong>She coined a catchphrase (\"Fiddlesticks!\"), threw shade at Malfoy, served up a healthy dose of side-eye, and gave an impassioned speech about her favorite types of booze. No one else comes close.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Ross tries not to cheat on his wife. Ross' wife tries not to kill him. There's more making out next to horse butts. ",
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"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza gave Ross a sensual sponge bath, Blondie and Doc made out next to a horse's butt, and, oh yeah, Francis DIED. Will Ross make newly-widowed Pinky Ring his second wife, found a religion that permits polygamy, and move to Utah? Will Francis' ghost not realize he's dead and spend a lot of time trying to help a kid who sees dead people? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's been a few weeks since Francis drowned in a puddle and everyone is still really bummed about it. But they can surely take heart in the fact that he died discovering copper, right? Yeah, not so much. Turns out it was \"fool's copper.\" Francis' short life in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/2682207462_1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44480\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/2682207462_1.gif\" alt=\"2682207462_1\" width=\"250\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bright and early, Ross informs Demelza that he's heading off to see Pinky Ring. Demelza is unamused: \"Is Verity's company not enough for her?\" Translation: \u003cem>Can we just skip this whole you-cheat-on-me-in-a-moment-of-weakness-and-lie-about-it-for-months thing? I'm tired.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In anticipation of Ross' visit, Pinky Ring makes sure her hair is on point and pinches her cheeks so that her coloring is as enticing as possible. Verity delivers an express package of \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em> side-eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44489\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-800x441.jpg\" alt=\"verity-poldark-side-eye\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-800x441.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-1020x562.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-1180x650.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-960x529.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-375x207.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-520x287.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Pinky Ring have apparently been galloping around Cornwall twice a week. Pinky Ring says it's to keep her four-year-old son abreast of the state of the mine. Verity, Agatha, Demelza and anyone else with eyes knows these field trips are actually about Ross keeping himself abreast of Pinky Ring's breasts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy and his uncle are really jazzed about sending Ross to debtor's prison for failing to pay his debts. Would modern day people spend this much time being evil, if we didn't have Netflix to distract us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, Ross and Pinky Ring flirt and pretend that they're not going to ruin Demelza's life really soon. Francis Jr. is an awkward plus-one on this date:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44490\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-800x412.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-elizabeth-kid\" width=\"800\" height=\"412\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-800x412.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-1020x525.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-1180x608.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-960x494.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-375x193.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-520x268.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid.jpg 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Doc finds a dead body (maybe from a shipwreck?). Before we can get any answers, Doc takes out a saw and starts cutting off the corpse's leg.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"publizity-wait-whet-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza advises Ross to just ask one of his rich friends to help him stay out of debtor's prison. For the umpteenth time, Ross lets her know he doesn't value her opinion and hates when she talks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Doc's bachelor pad, he's putting his fingers all in the corpse's severed leg. Then he has an Oprah A-ha! Moment™. He uses what he learned from this exercise in anatomy to fix some random villager's wonky knee.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/britney-spears-huh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44500\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/britney-spears-huh.gif\" alt=\"britney-spears-huh\" width=\"500\" height=\"377\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross visits some random dude and says, \u003cem>I'm probably also going to be in jail pretty soon! LOL! \u003c/em>The prisoner tries to reason with him. Surely Ross can just sell his mine shares and avoid ruining his wife's life? Ross responds with,\u003cem> Nah, I prefer living in a constant state of chaos. And I haven't given a damn about my wife in months! LOL!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way home, he runs into Horace the Pug!!! Blondie's there too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44501\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-800x414.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"414\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-800x414.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-768x398.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-1020x528.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-1180x611.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-960x497.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-375x194.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-520x269.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Doc tells Ross and Demelza about his huge crush on Blondie. (WE GET IT! GEEZ!) Then, Ross pretends Demelza doesn't exist and talks about how pointless life is, in light of how quickly you can drown in a puddle. Demelza looks at him like this for a really long time:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44502\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-800x447.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-9-38-43-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-375x209.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-520x290.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM.png 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I hate him, too, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy has returned to say evil things to Tarot Card Agatha's face. \"I think it's high time the coffin-maker started taking measurements, old hag.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44503\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif.gif\" alt=\"how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even if she was deaf, which she's not, she would probably be able to read lips pretty well. I cannot wait for whatever witchcraft she will use to murder this twerp.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The reason for his visit: to give Pinky Ring some weird candy and remind her that she can pay off what Francis owed him via Visa, MasterCard, or preferably sexual favors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza tells Verity that the main pillar of a happy marriage is pretending to believe your husband isn't a cheating bastard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring explains to her son that she plans to smile less around the house so that she doesn't get wrinkles. Her son is just old enough to realize she's lost it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44504\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-800x413.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-elizabeth-tripping\" width=\"800\" height=\"413\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-800x413.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-1020x527.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-1180x609.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-960x496.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-375x194.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-520x268.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping.jpg 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a forest, Doc and Blondie make out next to a horse's butt. Again. This has become their thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44506\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-10-14-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-768x426.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM.png 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They eventually unlock their lips long enough for Blondie to speak some truth about Demelza and the futility of marrying men: \"She seems to be universally adored. She's the sort of woman that all men desire, except her husband. So often happens; no great incentive for marriage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just as I'm starting to like her, she goes back to her rich-people-rule-poor-people-drool routine. She thinks Doc's desire to help the needy is cute and all, but that he should move somewhere fancy and help \"his own kind\" instead. Making out next to horse butts seems fun, but surely they both realize their values are in such opposition that this could never work, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out they're still in the you're-so-hot-that-I-can't-recognize-any-of-your-obvious-flaws stage of their relationship. They celebrate their blissful ignorance by randomly racing each other on horseback (Blondie on side-saddle, of course, because she's not a harlot).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Always full of terrible ideas, Ross comes up with a plan. More illegal trading + storing stolen goods at home = lots of money and zero jail time. Demelza is like, \u003cem>Um, I'm barely literate and terrible at math, but that equation makes no goddamn sense! Just ask your rich friends for help, you proud idiot!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then this amazing exchange, which I've been anticipating for so long, takes place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Do I have your consent?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"YOU DARE TO ASK ME THAT, KNOWING VERY WELL YOU DO EXACTLY AS YOU PLEASE WITH OR WITHOUT MY SAY?!?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then she throws a rake at his face!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/applause-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44516\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/applause-gif.gif\" alt=\"applause-gif\" width=\"615\" height=\"295\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm so very proud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/proud-whitney-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44517\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/proud-whitney-gif.gif\" alt=\"proud-whitney-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And things just get better with this close-up of Horace's face!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44838\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1020x568.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1180x657.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's that, you say? I'm too obsessed with this magical pug? Tell it to my new socks:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Anyway, Blondie tells her uncle about wanting to hang out with Doc the following day. Her uncle freaks out: \u003cem>But everyone will think you're a whore! Next, you'll tell me you've stopped riding side-saddle.\u003c/em> *male tears* They agree to disagree.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Pinky Ring's house, Verity lets everyone know she is going home tomorrow. Agatha's responds with my new favorite saying: \"FIDDLESTICKS!\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>But Verity isn't backing down and shares her plans to make up for lost time with her husband by having lots and lots of sex. Agatha chokes:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is annoyed at his uncle for inviting a bunch of 17-year-old girls to their Christmas party. Never one to miss an opportunity to be disgusting, his uncle says: \"Prime breeding stock. You may examine their teeth, if you choose.\" Can we speed up the advent of feminism, pretty please? Absolutely not? Oh. Okay then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another flirty hang with Pinky Ring, during which she complains about how her son isn't going to have as fat a trust fund as previously thought (#WhitePeopleProblems), Ross runs to his banker and tells him to sell a bunch of his mine shares and give all the money to Pinky Ring. The banker speaks for the audience at home:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Banker:\u003c/strong> \"You have your own wife and child to care for. Would it not seem that you value your cousin-in-law's comfort over hers?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"[Demelza] is a miner's daughter. She has learned to survive. Pinky Ring is a gentlewoman.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Banker:\u003c/strong> \"And you're a mad man.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Amen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Blondie's house, Doc arrives after being summoned by her uncle. The interaction goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You better not have sex with my niece!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Sorry, but I'm definitely going to. Probably next to a horse's butt.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Don't you dare!\u003c/em> \u003cem>I will cut off her inheritance!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Her trust fund is the most annoying part about her, so knock yourself out. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy butters up Pinky Ring's mom, but who cares about that when Horace's the Pug's life partner just made his/her debut?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44870\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-800x449.jpg\" alt=\"horace-wife-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"449\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-520x292.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Verity is taking off. She gives Francis Jr. a kiss, gives Pinky Ring a look and says,\u003cem> Try not to be a homewrecker. Okay, bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Ross and his criminal buddies dig a huge hole in the living room to store illegal goods. Demelza knew he wouldn't listen to her, even after she screamed and threw a rake at his face. She watches him make yet another idiotic decision and shoots daggers into his back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44871\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-poldark-daggers-mad\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad.jpg 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bit later, some hot guy named Charlie shows up unannounced and sees the big hole in the living room. Judging by the sinister music, there's a 98% probability he's the Judas.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross takes off his shirt (I hate him so much these days, I don't even care to see his hairy chest anymore) and goes to bed in the brattiest way possible. His response to Demelza's touch:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-44872 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash.gif\" alt=\"mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash\" width=\"853\" height=\"480\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Whatever, dude.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, he runs off to see Pinky Ring because duh. She just got a bunch of money from an anonymous person. Ross pretends it isn't him and then reminds her that he really wishes Demelza didn't exist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I regret that the circumstances are such that I cannot take care of you as I might wish.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"We both regret that, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I regret that both of you haven't been murdered by a puddle yet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross then makes out with her hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44874\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-800x446.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-6-59-26-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-768x428.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-1180x658.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-960x535.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-375x209.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-520x290.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM.png 1223w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-24.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44873\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-24.gif\" alt=\"giphy-24\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward a bit and it's Christmas! Maybe Ross will take a break from being the worst for one day? Yeah, no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"War now seems inevitable.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> *rolls eyes and sighs* \"Merry Christmas, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Now we know our last hope is gone.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Siri, remind me to draft up divorce papers.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, she didn't actually say that last line, but a boy can dream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Agatha continues being the MVP of this entire show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha:\u003c/strong> \"Rose water?! Do I require a fumigant?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"No, aunt, but...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha: \"\u003c/strong>Francis always knew what I liked. Brandy wine, port and canary, preferably all three!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44883\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle.gif\" alt=\"karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle\" width=\"500\" height=\"252\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Agatha has more bon mots where that came from. Malfoy comes in and Agatha grabs Francis Jr. and says, \"Sit by me, child. Beware that man's pitchfork and his tail.\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/8MdaeCpIqmA'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/8MdaeCpIqmA'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Malfoy whisks Pinky Ring to a party so she can watch him examine 17-year-old girls' teeth. She gets jealous, just like he planned. Oy vey, Pinky Ring, Francis JUST died!!! Sure, he was boring, but come on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross and Demelza head to the banker's office to get things in order before Ross is taken to debtor's prison. But -- curveball -- Blondie anonymously bought his debt! She has a soul! Hurrah! (Although Ross does kind of deserve a jail sentence for his attitude at this point.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza skip on over to Malfoy's to revel in their sudden good fortune:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I regret to say I am unable to give you the satisfaction...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Most unfortunate.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...of visiting me in prison. You'll have to make due with this.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"What is this foolery?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Repayment. In full. With interest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy & Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"....\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"We wish you both the compliments of the season.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tumblr_n72a4kJ01L1smcbm7o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44884\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tumblr_n72a4kJ01L1smcbm7o1_400.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n72a4kj01l1smcbm7o1_400\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle freaks out in a major way, but Malfoy reassures him that he'll get revenge by marrying Ross' ex. You can have her, bro.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Pinky Ring's house, where she receives a care package from Malfoy. I'll let Agatha's eye roll speak on my behalf:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, he wants to make amends for being such a jerk this past year. He gives Demelza sexy stockings and seductively helps her put them on. Then they have kinky sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> It's going to take more than a pair of stockings and a roll in the hay to make up for all the crap he's been pulling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Demelza's Forgotten Dog. \u003c/strong>What ever happened to him? We haven't seen him for several episodes. Did a puddle murder him? I hope he's okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>If her singing career doesn't pan out, she should be a yoga teacher, 'cause she has mastered the art of breathing through other people's BS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>Blondie.\u003c/strong>\u003cem> \u003c/em>She did good. Now, all she has to do is abstain from giving her opinion on the poor and there won't be any problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Agatha. \u003c/strong>She coined a catchphrase (\"Fiddlesticks!\"), threw shade at Malfoy, served up a healthy dose of side-eye, and gave an impassioned speech about her favorite types of booze. No one else comes close.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">Last time on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Malfoy almost gouged Ross' eyes out with his thumbs, Demelza almost gave birth in a boat, and an assortment of boring mining things happened. Will Ross call up his buddy Suge Knight and have Malfoy killed once and for all? Will Demelza finally surprise drop the album she's been working on? Will a witch transform Horace the Pug into a really hot dude that I can marry? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's not an afternoon in Cornwall if a poor person isn't being arrested. This time, it's a dude named Ted. Someone within his inner circle betrayed him. It could literally be anyone because 99% of the denizens of this county are the worst. (\u003cem>Infuriating historical side note:\u003c/em> The prick who finked on Anne Frank and co. was never discovered or persecuted. Karma is a myth.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza and Ross' brand new son is already walking, so some time has passed between episodes. Enough time for Ross to have gotten over his man baby antics? Ha! Nope! He's still doing his \u003cem>You can't tell me what to do! You're not my mom!\u003c/em> bit with Demelza. This time, they're arguing over whether it's a good idea for Ross to attend Ted's trial, considering that he's part of the same illegal trading #squad. Ross basically plugs his ears and says\u003cem> La la la, I can't hear you!\u003c/em> \u003cem>I'm going and that's that! I do what I want!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie is back after a year in London. The only reason I care is that she brought Horace the Pug with her. He seems to be in good spirits! And he's craving some marzipan. Aw, never change, dream pup!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-43355\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-again\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again.jpg 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and, in case you care, Blondie's uncle is annoyed at Parliament Wannabe for not being able to seal the deal in getting Blondie to agree to marriage. What don't these men understand? A human husband is completely unnecessary when the canine variety is way cuter and far more loyal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Tarot Card Agatha has a chronic cough. Nooo! Don't you dare leave me alone with these people, you wonderful broad. If the Dowager Countess can defy science and survive long enough to be in every \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> episode, so can you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for Ted's trial because the town gallows aren't going to fill themselves. The judge wants to sentence Ted to death because why not? But -- plot twist -- Backstabber Cousin is randomly a magistrate and urges the judge to have some chill. The judge is convinced (probably due in part to the cute little wig Backstabber Cousin is wearing) and only sentences Ted to three months of hard labor, which is basically summer camp to these people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the center of town, Doc runs into a Horace-less Blondie. She's surprised all the voodoo dolls she's made in his likeness haven't had any effect on him. Someone please find a working time machine and send this girl a copy of \u003cem>He's Just Not That Into You. \u003c/em>She needs it so desperately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having heard about Tarot Card Agatha's ailment, Verity decides to come stay for a while. Tarot Card Agatha and I are both super stoked to have her back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-43357\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-800x448.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-22 at 10.42.42 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-1020x571.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-1180x660.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-520x291.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy's uncle is snorting drugs. He's also plotting a new evil scheme. The sky is blue. (Or overcast, I guess, since this is Cornwall.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Blondie's uncle is throwing a rave to announce Blondie's engagement. Before everyone adorns themselves in glow-in-the-dark accessories and engages in whatever the 1785 version of twerking is, dinner is served. For some reason, all the couples are split up. Demelza has to deal with being bookended by Blondie's slobbering uncle and Ross' slobbering bestie from the war (who apparently doesn't own any regular clothes because he's always wearing the same uniform).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Ross is seated next to his ex, Pinky Ring. They don't waste any time bringing up how they both wish they could have sex with each other. All of a sudden, Pinky Ring is really into polyamory: \"Can not a woman love two men? Can not a man love two women?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRWnIYaj6uk\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After dinner, Blondie trolls Parliament Wannabe so hard that he runs away from the party. No one is bothered in the least that the engagement party is missing an engagement. Ross, Demelza, Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring all engage in a do-si-do type of dance, which involves wife swapping. Pinky Ring's poly fantasies are one step closer to coming true.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, a fight breaks out in the mine. The workers are accusing some dude named Nick of being the betrayer. Ross gets involved because that's what he loves most in the world. Apparently, Nick has a history of being a terrible human being. Remember Jim from season 1, who got thrown in jail for poaching and died of typhus before he could meet his own baby? Yeah, that was this guy's fault. And remember when Ross was on trial and was almost sentenced to death? This guy took money from Malfoy to testify against him. So, um, why did this fight take this long to happen? KILL HIM!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross just might because Nick calls him a poser and says that having sex with a \"scullery maid\" doesn't equate to knowing the first thing about the poor man's struggle. Ross promptly head butts him and then punches him in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/bHbqoou.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43554\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/bHbqoou.gif\" alt=\"bHbqoou\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is practicing his best \u003cem>Mortal Kombat\u003c/em> moves in heels again. His uncle interrupts by unveiling his latest scheme: he managed to buy a promissory note that says Ross owes £1,000. They will now use this to ruin our curly-haired hero. Here we go again... This town needs a movie theater or a bowling alley or something. Idle hands and what not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy runs over to Pinky Ring's house with yet another proposition: he won't do anything evil with the promissory note, if she becomes \"friends\" with him. That's code for third base, if not a homer. She says she'll think about it, especially now that she's poly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way out, Malfoy runs into Tarot Card Agatha, who doesn't waste any time talking smack about how she's disliked him and his terrible clothes since he was a boy. Go in, Agatha, go in!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Believing she's deaf, Malfoy says truly evil things right to her face: \"There should be a law to kill off old crones. If you were the last of the Poldarks, I'd do it myself. I hope when I next call you'll be six feet below.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOW. You can try to kill off Ross all you want, but going after my girl, Agatha? NOPE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-43530 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\" alt=\"trying to piss me off mission dance moms\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, his bestie from the war drops in on Demelza. He basically says, \u003cem>Ross headbutted this dude, which makes it plainly obvious he's tied up in this illegal trading stuff. Make him stop or I will have to hang him. Cool? Cool. By the way, this tea is amazing. Bengal spice?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Doc runs into Blondie again. OMG, JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY. He tries walking right past her, but she stops him in his tracks by apologizing for hoping poor people die and all that jazz. He promptly forgets that she has no soul and confesses his love for her because she's pretty. Or maybe it's because shacking up with her means playing with Horace the Pug any time he wants. The second reason is totally valid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Demelza's, Ross blames her for the War BFF's visit. Surely it's her flirting that keeps him coming around and not all of his illegal troublemaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/why-are-boys-such-jerks-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43534\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/why-are-boys-such-jerks-gif.gif\" alt=\"why are boys such jerks gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin finds out about Malfoy's visit and heads off to make amends or confront him or something. No one is paying attention to Tarot Card Agatha, who says: \"Wished me dead, he did. Called me old crone. BIG mistake!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/xtina-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-43531 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/xtina-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"xtina excited gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/stevie-family-guy-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-medium wp-image-43533 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/stevie-family-guy-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"stevie family guy excited gif\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-medium wp-image-43532 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"sailor moon excited gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"391\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin drops in on Malfoy and uses a lot of words, including the term \"noxiousness,\" to get a simple message across: \u003cem>We are never ever ever getting back together. I hope you die. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, things are VERY WEIRD. Despite the fact that he just accused Demelza of being a flirty floozy, she's giving him a sponge bath. Ross keeps bobbing up and down and making I'm-getting-an-underwater-hand-job faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43535\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-800x445.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 10.53.13 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1180x656.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-960x534.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM.png 1659w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43536\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 10.51.37 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-160x88.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-768x423.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-1020x562.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-1180x650.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-960x529.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-240x132.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-375x207.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-520x286.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM.png 1674w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Good for him, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's not the only one getting it on. In a forest, Doc meets up with Blondie. He confesses to being socially awkward and she's like, \u003cem>OMG, me too!\u003c/em> Then they make out next to a horse's butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43537\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 11.06.30 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Early the next morning, Backstabber Cousin tenderly caresses a sleeping Pinky Ring. Their son wakes up and Backstabber Cousin says, \"I'll be home in time to read you a story.\" Hmm. That sure seems like when a character in a horror movie says they'll be right back and then they get butchered. Is he really about to get killed off?! Oh, boy, now I feel bad about all the jokes I've made at his expense.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin, who I will now call by his real name Francis, heads to the mine and thinks he's found copper! So he hurries over to Ross' to tell him the good news and at long last get his cousin's approval. Ross isn't home though, but Demelza is. Francis delivers a touching speech about how she shouldn't be so hard on herself and how she's just as good as Pinky Ring and Ross is lucky to have found her. Okay, yeah, he's definitely going to die today.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's, Doc has diagnosed Tarot Card Agatha's ailment. Turns out she was just faking to get Verity to come back. So many tricks up her octogenarian sleeve! When confronted, Agatha is like, \u003cem>Okay, you got me! I really like slumber parties and will do or say whatever I need to do or say to arrange one! Sue me! Oh, and P.S. my tarot cards say something really F-ed up is about to happen.\u003c/em> No one believes her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down in the mine, Francis finds evidence of copper. He traces it on the wall and follows it deeper and deeper into the mine until he falls into a random puddle just like last season, only this time Ross isn't there to help fish him out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Above ground, Ross finds out about Malfoy's latest attempt at ruining him. He must repay the loan in full or risk debtor's prison. Before he and Demelza can properly freak out, news that Francis is missing reaches them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They rush to the mine and find Francis' hat and jacket. Ross rushes down there and calls out for him. Francis hears Ross' voice and remembers a time when they were boys and Ross saved him from drowning in the sea. Francis hallucinates that Ross is there again to save him. He reaches out to grab his hand. But no one is there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross soon finds Francis, but it's too late. \"Why the hell didn't you learn to swim?!\" Valid question, but cut the guy some slack; he's dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to the funeral. Ross holds a sobbing Pinky Ring, while Demelza watches and thinks, \u003cem>FML, now they're definitely going to have sex.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> H20.\u003c/strong> Yes, we need it to survive and all, but it killed Francis. Very uncool move.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Horace the Pug.\u003c/strong> I hope he got his marzipan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Homegirl needs some sage in her life. Someone definitely has cursed her. Her dad abused her for years, her baby died, her husband gets less hot and meaner every day, and she almost had to give birth in a boat! Can she catch a break already? Or at least get a 15-minute deep tissue massage?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Pretending to be hard of hearing so you get all \u003ca href=\"http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea\">the tea\u003c/a>. Genius!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Francis. \u003c/strong>I feel bad for making fun of him so much and calling him Backstabber Cousin for weeks. He deserved a fair amount of my jokes, but he didn't deserve to drown in a puddle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "A couple makes out next to a horse's butt, someone receives a sexy sponge bath, and something really bad happens.",
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"description": "A couple makes out next to a horse's butt, someone receives a sexy sponge bath, and something really bad happens.",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim | KQED",
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"headline": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim",
"datePublished": "2016-10-24T01:11:34-07:00",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">Last time on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Malfoy almost gouged Ross' eyes out with his thumbs, Demelza almost gave birth in a boat, and an assortment of boring mining things happened. Will Ross call up his buddy Suge Knight and have Malfoy killed once and for all? Will Demelza finally surprise drop the album she's been working on? Will a witch transform Horace the Pug into a really hot dude that I can marry? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's not an afternoon in Cornwall if a poor person isn't being arrested. This time, it's a dude named Ted. Someone within his inner circle betrayed him. It could literally be anyone because 99% of the denizens of this county are the worst. (\u003cem>Infuriating historical side note:\u003c/em> The prick who finked on Anne Frank and co. was never discovered or persecuted. Karma is a myth.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza and Ross' brand new son is already walking, so some time has passed between episodes. Enough time for Ross to have gotten over his man baby antics? Ha! Nope! He's still doing his \u003cem>You can't tell me what to do! You're not my mom!\u003c/em> bit with Demelza. This time, they're arguing over whether it's a good idea for Ross to attend Ted's trial, considering that he's part of the same illegal trading #squad. Ross basically plugs his ears and says\u003cem> La la la, I can't hear you!\u003c/em> \u003cem>I'm going and that's that! I do what I want!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie is back after a year in London. The only reason I care is that she brought Horace the Pug with her. He seems to be in good spirits! And he's craving some marzipan. Aw, never change, dream pup!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-43355\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-again\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again.jpg 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and, in case you care, Blondie's uncle is annoyed at Parliament Wannabe for not being able to seal the deal in getting Blondie to agree to marriage. What don't these men understand? A human husband is completely unnecessary when the canine variety is way cuter and far more loyal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Tarot Card Agatha has a chronic cough. Nooo! Don't you dare leave me alone with these people, you wonderful broad. If the Dowager Countess can defy science and survive long enough to be in every \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> episode, so can you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for Ted's trial because the town gallows aren't going to fill themselves. The judge wants to sentence Ted to death because why not? But -- plot twist -- Backstabber Cousin is randomly a magistrate and urges the judge to have some chill. The judge is convinced (probably due in part to the cute little wig Backstabber Cousin is wearing) and only sentences Ted to three months of hard labor, which is basically summer camp to these people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the center of town, Doc runs into a Horace-less Blondie. She's surprised all the voodoo dolls she's made in his likeness haven't had any effect on him. Someone please find a working time machine and send this girl a copy of \u003cem>He's Just Not That Into You. \u003c/em>She needs it so desperately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having heard about Tarot Card Agatha's ailment, Verity decides to come stay for a while. Tarot Card Agatha and I are both super stoked to have her back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-43357\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-800x448.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-22 at 10.42.42 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-1020x571.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-1180x660.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-520x291.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy's uncle is snorting drugs. He's also plotting a new evil scheme. The sky is blue. (Or overcast, I guess, since this is Cornwall.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Blondie's uncle is throwing a rave to announce Blondie's engagement. Before everyone adorns themselves in glow-in-the-dark accessories and engages in whatever the 1785 version of twerking is, dinner is served. For some reason, all the couples are split up. Demelza has to deal with being bookended by Blondie's slobbering uncle and Ross' slobbering bestie from the war (who apparently doesn't own any regular clothes because he's always wearing the same uniform).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Ross is seated next to his ex, Pinky Ring. They don't waste any time bringing up how they both wish they could have sex with each other. All of a sudden, Pinky Ring is really into polyamory: \"Can not a woman love two men? Can not a man love two women?\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/yRWnIYaj6uk'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/yRWnIYaj6uk'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>After dinner, Blondie trolls Parliament Wannabe so hard that he runs away from the party. No one is bothered in the least that the engagement party is missing an engagement. Ross, Demelza, Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring all engage in a do-si-do type of dance, which involves wife swapping. Pinky Ring's poly fantasies are one step closer to coming true.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, a fight breaks out in the mine. The workers are accusing some dude named Nick of being the betrayer. Ross gets involved because that's what he loves most in the world. Apparently, Nick has a history of being a terrible human being. Remember Jim from season 1, who got thrown in jail for poaching and died of typhus before he could meet his own baby? Yeah, that was this guy's fault. And remember when Ross was on trial and was almost sentenced to death? This guy took money from Malfoy to testify against him. So, um, why did this fight take this long to happen? KILL HIM!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross just might because Nick calls him a poser and says that having sex with a \"scullery maid\" doesn't equate to knowing the first thing about the poor man's struggle. Ross promptly head butts him and then punches him in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/bHbqoou.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43554\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/bHbqoou.gif\" alt=\"bHbqoou\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is practicing his best \u003cem>Mortal Kombat\u003c/em> moves in heels again. His uncle interrupts by unveiling his latest scheme: he managed to buy a promissory note that says Ross owes £1,000. They will now use this to ruin our curly-haired hero. Here we go again... This town needs a movie theater or a bowling alley or something. Idle hands and what not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy runs over to Pinky Ring's house with yet another proposition: he won't do anything evil with the promissory note, if she becomes \"friends\" with him. That's code for third base, if not a homer. She says she'll think about it, especially now that she's poly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way out, Malfoy runs into Tarot Card Agatha, who doesn't waste any time talking smack about how she's disliked him and his terrible clothes since he was a boy. Go in, Agatha, go in!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Believing she's deaf, Malfoy says truly evil things right to her face: \"There should be a law to kill off old crones. If you were the last of the Poldarks, I'd do it myself. I hope when I next call you'll be six feet below.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOW. You can try to kill off Ross all you want, but going after my girl, Agatha? NOPE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-43530 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\" alt=\"trying to piss me off mission dance moms\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, his bestie from the war drops in on Demelza. He basically says, \u003cem>Ross headbutted this dude, which makes it plainly obvious he's tied up in this illegal trading stuff. Make him stop or I will have to hang him. Cool? Cool. By the way, this tea is amazing. Bengal spice?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Doc runs into Blondie again. OMG, JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY. He tries walking right past her, but she stops him in his tracks by apologizing for hoping poor people die and all that jazz. He promptly forgets that she has no soul and confesses his love for her because she's pretty. Or maybe it's because shacking up with her means playing with Horace the Pug any time he wants. The second reason is totally valid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Demelza's, Ross blames her for the War BFF's visit. Surely it's her flirting that keeps him coming around and not all of his illegal troublemaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/why-are-boys-such-jerks-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43534\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/why-are-boys-such-jerks-gif.gif\" alt=\"why are boys such jerks gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin finds out about Malfoy's visit and heads off to make amends or confront him or something. No one is paying attention to Tarot Card Agatha, who says: \"Wished me dead, he did. Called me old crone. BIG mistake!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/xtina-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-43531 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/xtina-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"xtina excited gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/stevie-family-guy-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-medium wp-image-43533 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/stevie-family-guy-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"stevie family guy excited gif\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-medium wp-image-43532 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"sailor moon excited gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"391\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin drops in on Malfoy and uses a lot of words, including the term \"noxiousness,\" to get a simple message across: \u003cem>We are never ever ever getting back together. I hope you die. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, things are VERY WEIRD. Despite the fact that he just accused Demelza of being a flirty floozy, she's giving him a sponge bath. Ross keeps bobbing up and down and making I'm-getting-an-underwater-hand-job faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43535\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-800x445.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 10.53.13 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1180x656.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-960x534.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM.png 1659w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43536\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 10.51.37 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-160x88.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-768x423.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-1020x562.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-1180x650.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-960x529.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-240x132.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-375x207.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-520x286.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM.png 1674w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Good for him, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's not the only one getting it on. In a forest, Doc meets up with Blondie. He confesses to being socially awkward and she's like, \u003cem>OMG, me too!\u003c/em> Then they make out next to a horse's butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43537\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 11.06.30 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Early the next morning, Backstabber Cousin tenderly caresses a sleeping Pinky Ring. Their son wakes up and Backstabber Cousin says, \"I'll be home in time to read you a story.\" Hmm. That sure seems like when a character in a horror movie says they'll be right back and then they get butchered. Is he really about to get killed off?! Oh, boy, now I feel bad about all the jokes I've made at his expense.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin, who I will now call by his real name Francis, heads to the mine and thinks he's found copper! So he hurries over to Ross' to tell him the good news and at long last get his cousin's approval. Ross isn't home though, but Demelza is. Francis delivers a touching speech about how she shouldn't be so hard on herself and how she's just as good as Pinky Ring and Ross is lucky to have found her. Okay, yeah, he's definitely going to die today.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's, Doc has diagnosed Tarot Card Agatha's ailment. Turns out she was just faking to get Verity to come back. So many tricks up her octogenarian sleeve! When confronted, Agatha is like, \u003cem>Okay, you got me! I really like slumber parties and will do or say whatever I need to do or say to arrange one! Sue me! Oh, and P.S. my tarot cards say something really F-ed up is about to happen.\u003c/em> No one believes her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down in the mine, Francis finds evidence of copper. He traces it on the wall and follows it deeper and deeper into the mine until he falls into a random puddle just like last season, only this time Ross isn't there to help fish him out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Above ground, Ross finds out about Malfoy's latest attempt at ruining him. He must repay the loan in full or risk debtor's prison. Before he and Demelza can properly freak out, news that Francis is missing reaches them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They rush to the mine and find Francis' hat and jacket. Ross rushes down there and calls out for him. Francis hears Ross' voice and remembers a time when they were boys and Ross saved him from drowning in the sea. Francis hallucinates that Ross is there again to save him. He reaches out to grab his hand. But no one is there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross soon finds Francis, but it's too late. \"Why the hell didn't you learn to swim?!\" Valid question, but cut the guy some slack; he's dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to the funeral. Ross holds a sobbing Pinky Ring, while Demelza watches and thinks, \u003cem>FML, now they're definitely going to have sex.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> H20.\u003c/strong> Yes, we need it to survive and all, but it killed Francis. Very uncool move.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Horace the Pug.\u003c/strong> I hope he got his marzipan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Homegirl needs some sage in her life. Someone definitely has cursed her. Her dad abused her for years, her baby died, her husband gets less hot and meaner every day, and she almost had to give birth in a boat! Can she catch a break already? Or at least get a 15-minute deep tissue massage?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Pretending to be hard of hearing so you get all \u003ca href=\"http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea\">the tea\u003c/a>. Genius!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Francis. \u003c/strong>I feel bad for making fun of him so much and calling him Backstabber Cousin for weeks. He deserved a fair amount of my jokes, but he didn't deserve to drown in a puddle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">Last time on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Malfoy discovered his love for boxing in heels, Tarot Card Agatha couldn't find her booze at a party, and Ross revealed himself to be just as much of a prick as everyone else in Cornwall by treating his pregnant wife like crap for no reason. Will Demelza dump Ross to become a pop star in London? Will Horace the Pug be the ring bearer at Doc and Blondie's inevitable wedding? Will everyone on this show stop talking about mining all the time 'cause it's boring and no one cares? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We start things off at a very Instagram-able cliff edge (where else?). Some men are being taken to prison for trading booze illegally. Never one to pass up an opportunity to loudly express his social opinions, Ross pops up out of nowhere to yell, \u003cem>Power to the people! Down with the Man! Bernie 2016! \u003c/em>Demelza advises him to give it a rest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Demelza takes a small boat out to sea for an afternoon of fishing. When your life sucks this much and your husband's hotness is swiftly being cancelled out by his ugly attitude, picking up a new hobby is the only thing to do. Meanwhile, underground somewhere, Ross and his workers all realize for the umpteenth time that they suck at mining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is still training in heels for his imminent brawl with Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42219\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-800x447.png\" alt=\"poldark fight heels george\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-1440x804.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I'm glad that he is because that means I can re-share my Photoshop imagining of his drag persona, Hisstina Snakespeare.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39601\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg\" alt=\"hisstina-snakespeare\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different mansion, Blondie is throwing a tantrum about how Doc hasn't called since he took that fish bone out of her throat three months ago. Three whole months! You don't need to be a doctor to diagnose this case of He's Just Not That Into You as lethal. Blondie doesn't get it though and writes a letter ordering him to come hang out with her. She ends with a passive-aggressive \"Unless, of course, you have more important matters to attend...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He does. Miners, fishermen and basically anyone without a trust fund is coming down with a weird disease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road back to chez Ross, Demelza is carrying her fish bounty, when she runs into Pinky Ring, the patron saint of spoiled walks. Pinky Ring goes from zero to insufferable in two seconds flat: \u003cem>You probably shouldn't be fishing because \u003cstrong>a.\u003c/strong> the strong current, \u003cstrong>b.\u003c/strong> your husband didn't give you permission, \u003cstrong>c.\u003c/strong> you're pregnant, which means you can't do anything meaningful for nine months, and \u003cstrong>d.\u003c/strong> you're a woman, which means you should stick to drinking too much tea and staring longingly out of windows. \u003c/em>Demelza thinks back on the conversation she overheard between Pinky Ring and Ross and counters all of Pinky Ring's points with a look that roughly translates to: \u003cem>\u003cstrong>A.\u003c/strong> I, \u003cstrong>b.\u003c/strong> will, \u003cstrong>c.\u003c/strong> cut, \u003cstrong>d.\u003c/strong> you.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Ross runs into Malfoy. Despite all his training in heels, Hisstina is like, \u003cem>Eeeek! Get me outta here!!\u003c/em> Ross shares his intentions of giving Malfoy a killer wedgie sometime in the near future. Malfoy runs home and checks to make sure his pistol is where he left it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross catches Demelza preparing all the fish she caught. He is thrilled that Demelza is so resourceful and independent. He thanks her for putting food on their table (something he hasn't been able to do for some time), apologizes for everything, and kisses her like he means it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, none of that happens. He yells at her instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You went out in the boat?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No, I whistled and they came dancing at me out the waves.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Have you no sense?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, and an extra mouth to feed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One good thing about dating a jerk: you get really good at delivering well-crafted comebacks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is playing around with a metal detector, just in case you forgot what a nerd he is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Demelza is in town hanging out with Verity (welcome back, girlfriend!). Verity is overall happy with her new life (she gets to travel to Lisbon whenever she wants!), but she's bummed that her husband's two grown children and her own brother don't want anything to do with her. Speak of the Devil and he shall appear: Her brother materializes and promptly shuns her. Oh, Verity, you're better off! Yacht parties off the coast of Portugal > anything involving being a stepmom or being related to your metal-detecting brother.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another round of pushy letters from Blondie, Doc finally is like, \u003cem>Fiiiine, I'll come over.\u003c/em> Blondie doesn't waste any time letting him know how annoyed she is that he cares more about ailing poor people than her, a rich lady with no problems. She then shows him how wide she can open her mouth so he can examine her three-month-old fish bone injury and also get a few ideas in his head, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out she's completely fine. (You don't say!) They get to talking about all the poor people suffering from scurvy. Doc wishes it was easier for these people to access the kind of nutrients they need. Blondie wishes they would just die. No, really, she does:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Why do they not spend less on gin and more on oranges? Will you do any good by attempting to save these people? They'll only multiply. And then there will be more mouths to feed. Of course, it's sad to see them die, but at least it keeps the numbers in check.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc says, \u003cem>You are the absolute worst and I hope you get scurvy someday\u003c/em>, in the most polite British way possible. He also makes all of these faces:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/raw-9.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42245\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/raw-9.gif\" alt=\"disgusted gif\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and Horace the Pug is there for all of it and remains more adorable than all human children that have ever been born:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42246\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-800x444.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-800x444.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-400x222.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a mine shareholders meeting, Malfoy's Slytherin Crony sabotages Ross (again) and announces that he's bought out one of the other shareholders (again). Zzzzzz.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy spots Pinky Ring galloping past from his window and chases her down. \u003cem>Hang out with meeee! Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with meeee?! \u003c/em>She takes pity on him and agrees to have some tea (British people must be very hydrated). He makes her regret her kindness by basically telling her, \u003cem>Be my whore or I will destroy your husband and your beloved ex.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, some neighbor we've never met stops by with a proposition. If Ross will let him unload his illegal goods at his beach, the neighbor will pay him handsomely. Demelza knows this will lead to another trial and maybe an execution this time. Since women of the 1700s aren't allowed to disagree with their husbands in front of company, she must resort to convincing him that this is a terrible idea through glaring:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42248\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-800x448.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-16 at 7.07.16 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-400x224.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-1440x806.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-1180x660.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42247\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-19.gif\" alt=\"giphy (19)\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It doesn't work. Coming soon to Netflix:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"orange-is-the-new-poldark\" width=\"386\" height=\"477\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because she just can't take a hint, Blondie heads on over to Doc's house. At that very moment, he's leaving with a basket of apples for the people with scurvy. Will she redeem herself with an empathetic comment? Nah. \"Do your patients enjoy worms and mold?\" Money can't buy you flirting skills, that's for sure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Verity's, her sea captain hubby has a surprise. \u003cem>Guess what, Verity? My children, who loathe your very existence, are coming over for a slumber party! \u003c/em>Verity is YAY on the outside, VORTEX OF PUKE AND DREAD on the inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-20.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42257\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-20.gif\" alt=\"giphy (20)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross is kicking it with some of his homeboys. All the women are isolated to the kitchen because patriarchy. The Boys Club is considering a plan that involves letting Malfoy have Ross' mine and opening a brand new one 'cause they've proven themselves to be so good at mining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross comes into the kitchen, Demelza asks what they're planning. Ross is like, \u003cem>No need to worry your little female brain. I'll tell you some other time, if I feel like it. Oh, and by the way, I'm going down to help transport all those illegal goods tonight.\u003c/em> Let this be a lesson to us all: Don't marry a dude you barely know just because he's hot. Do a background check and also find out if he's a feminist first.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and the smugglers almost get caught, but don't. He returns home, feeling himself for a crime well done. Demelza GOES ALL THE WAY OFF:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42258\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-800x449.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-mad-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"449\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-400x225.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-1440x809.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark.jpg 1673w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>TL;DR version:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's cool for you to do illegal things that jeopardize our family, but when I go fishing so we'll have something to eat, that's a problem? You don't have to consider my opinion ever, but I always have to do as I'm told? GO F YOURSELF!!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42259\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\" alt=\"preach\" width=\"310\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Doc receives a delivery of oranges. So Blondie isn't completely evil after all! Before we can get used to that idea, she says more cringe-worthy stuff when Doc stops by to thank her: \"You don't imagine I care about the fate of a few fish wives, do you? Now you're under obligation to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/oprah-smh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42267\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/oprah-smh-gif.gif\" alt=\"oprah smh gif\" width=\"325\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At yet another mine shareholders meeting (zzzzz), Malfoy has decided to take Slytherin Crony's place so he can hasten the inevitable fist fight with Ross. Sometimes the anticipation of getting your jaw broken can be worse than the jaw breaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But it won't be today. Ross storms out and gallops very quickly to his accountant's office. He plans to sell half of his shares in the mine and use the money to open a new mine with his cousin. Backstabber Cousin is down, but wants to be totally honest about how he leaked all kinds of info to Malfoy last season, which led to great ruin for Ross. But Ross stops him: \u003cem>It's in the past! I'm sure it's nothing serious! Whatever! \u003c/em>Ignorance is bliss, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the deal is finalized, Ross heads to the pub to celebrate. Obviously, Malfoy is there. He immediately gloats about his takeover of Ross' mine and also reveals all the details of how Backstabber Cousin helped ruin Ross. Fight! Fight! Fight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they do! Ross seems to be the one to bet on, but all those boxing lessons have turned Malfoy into a killing machine! Don't believe me? Witness his attempt at gouging Ross' eyes out with his thumbs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42275\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-800x446.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-16 at 9.41.11 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-768x428.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-1180x658.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-960x535.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM.png 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So who won? Let's analyze all the assaulting, shall we?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy's landed hits:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A cane wack to Ross' head.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A knee to Ross' family jewels.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>The aforementioned eye gouge.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A smack to Ross' face.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' landed hits:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A dramatic shove.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A wall slam.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>An elbow to Malfoy's face.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Two gut punches.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Two face punches.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A fight-ending shove into a table.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Ross is victorious!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, the sea captain's daughter arrives early. Verity is a nervous wreck. And she should be because this girl is not here to make nice. Stepdaughter basically says, \u003cem>You're so much uglier than my mom. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM AND NEVER WILL BE!!! \u003c/em>It's basically the first part of Julia Roberts'\u003cem> Stepmom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a dock, Ross gets medical treatment from Doc and chit chats with Verity's husband. \u003cem>And then he tried to gouge my eyes out with his thumbs! \u003c/em>Backstabber Cousin runs over to be part of the cool crowd and immediately freaks out upon seeing his sister's husband a.k.a. the dude that shot him in the neck that one time. Before Backstabber Cousin can run away like he usually does, Ross gives him a loaded look that says, \u003cem>I know what you did. If I can forgive you for that evil stuff, you can forgive this dude for maybe killing his first wife, almost killing you in a duel, and taking your sister's virginity. \u003c/em>Backstabber Cousin thinks about it and then decides, \u003cem>Ok.\u003c/em>\u003cem> Cool.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out on the open sea, Demelza is fishing again. Might seem boring to some, but what if I told you she was fishing WHILE IN LABOR? Not sure if the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writer meant for this to be hilarious or not, but, after a painful contraction, Demelza says, \"Ooo, time to go! Time to go.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Verity's, the sea captain comes home and Verity hysterically tells him, \u003cem>Nu uh, no way, ma'am, I am not meeting any more of your children. Your evil daughter despises me! \u003c/em>Which turns out to be an awkward thing to say, seeing as his son is right in the hallway, but it's all good 'cause said son is chill and just wants some rum. Booze, bringing families together since 1784.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross returns home, but Demelza isn't there. He soon finds out she went fishing without permission again and he's red-hot mad. He finds her about to reach shore and immediately starts yelling at her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You are the most stubborn, pig-headed...!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, I am?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Where would you be if I hadn't come along?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Where would \u003cem>you\u003c/em> be if I hadn't come along? Drinking and brawling and dodging the noose. You're hateful!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You're infuriating!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She then promptly gives birth to a son. Ross' anger-management problems evaporate because OMG a male heir!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"lc eyeroll gif\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blondie passes by Doc's place of work to announce that she's moving back to London: \"I must return to civilization. One can only take so many barbarians.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Okay-girl-bye-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42284\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Okay-girl-bye-GIF.gif\" alt=\"Okay-girl-bye-GIF\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Demelza, Ross, Pinky Ring, Backstabber Cousin, Verity, and the Sea Captain all drink to celebrate the new mine, like one big, happy family. How long before they start selling each other's secrets and shooting each other in the neck again? I give it three episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Blondie.\u003c/strong> It wouldn't have been the worst thing if that fish bone had severed her vocal cords. Also, how much do you wanna bet that she's an ancestor of Ann Coulter?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Whoever Convinced Blondie to Move Back to London:\u003c/strong> Good job! I love you! Now convince her to leave Horace behind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>He steals every scene he's in. This show could just be 58 minutes of him doing various pug things and I would have zero complaints.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Glad she's back. Wish Xanax had been invented in her day; she could certainly use some.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>She took multi-tasking to a whole new level with that whole fishing and giving birth at the same time thing. Kudos!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Someone tries to gouge someone else's eyes out with their thumbs. What else do you need to know?",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">Last time on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Malfoy discovered his love for boxing in heels, Tarot Card Agatha couldn't find her booze at a party, and Ross revealed himself to be just as much of a prick as everyone else in Cornwall by treating his pregnant wife like crap for no reason. Will Demelza dump Ross to become a pop star in London? Will Horace the Pug be the ring bearer at Doc and Blondie's inevitable wedding? Will everyone on this show stop talking about mining all the time 'cause it's boring and no one cares? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We start things off at a very Instagram-able cliff edge (where else?). Some men are being taken to prison for trading booze illegally. Never one to pass up an opportunity to loudly express his social opinions, Ross pops up out of nowhere to yell, \u003cem>Power to the people! Down with the Man! Bernie 2016! \u003c/em>Demelza advises him to give it a rest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Demelza takes a small boat out to sea for an afternoon of fishing. When your life sucks this much and your husband's hotness is swiftly being cancelled out by his ugly attitude, picking up a new hobby is the only thing to do. Meanwhile, underground somewhere, Ross and his workers all realize for the umpteenth time that they suck at mining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is still training in heels for his imminent brawl with Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42219\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-800x447.png\" alt=\"poldark fight heels george\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-1440x804.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I'm glad that he is because that means I can re-share my Photoshop imagining of his drag persona, Hisstina Snakespeare.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39601\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg\" alt=\"hisstina-snakespeare\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different mansion, Blondie is throwing a tantrum about how Doc hasn't called since he took that fish bone out of her throat three months ago. Three whole months! You don't need to be a doctor to diagnose this case of He's Just Not That Into You as lethal. Blondie doesn't get it though and writes a letter ordering him to come hang out with her. She ends with a passive-aggressive \"Unless, of course, you have more important matters to attend...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He does. Miners, fishermen and basically anyone without a trust fund is coming down with a weird disease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road back to chez Ross, Demelza is carrying her fish bounty, when she runs into Pinky Ring, the patron saint of spoiled walks. Pinky Ring goes from zero to insufferable in two seconds flat: \u003cem>You probably shouldn't be fishing because \u003cstrong>a.\u003c/strong> the strong current, \u003cstrong>b.\u003c/strong> your husband didn't give you permission, \u003cstrong>c.\u003c/strong> you're pregnant, which means you can't do anything meaningful for nine months, and \u003cstrong>d.\u003c/strong> you're a woman, which means you should stick to drinking too much tea and staring longingly out of windows. \u003c/em>Demelza thinks back on the conversation she overheard between Pinky Ring and Ross and counters all of Pinky Ring's points with a look that roughly translates to: \u003cem>\u003cstrong>A.\u003c/strong> I, \u003cstrong>b.\u003c/strong> will, \u003cstrong>c.\u003c/strong> cut, \u003cstrong>d.\u003c/strong> you.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Ross runs into Malfoy. Despite all his training in heels, Hisstina is like, \u003cem>Eeeek! Get me outta here!!\u003c/em> Ross shares his intentions of giving Malfoy a killer wedgie sometime in the near future. Malfoy runs home and checks to make sure his pistol is where he left it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross catches Demelza preparing all the fish she caught. He is thrilled that Demelza is so resourceful and independent. He thanks her for putting food on their table (something he hasn't been able to do for some time), apologizes for everything, and kisses her like he means it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, none of that happens. He yells at her instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You went out in the boat?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No, I whistled and they came dancing at me out the waves.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Have you no sense?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, and an extra mouth to feed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One good thing about dating a jerk: you get really good at delivering well-crafted comebacks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is playing around with a metal detector, just in case you forgot what a nerd he is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Demelza is in town hanging out with Verity (welcome back, girlfriend!). Verity is overall happy with her new life (she gets to travel to Lisbon whenever she wants!), but she's bummed that her husband's two grown children and her own brother don't want anything to do with her. Speak of the Devil and he shall appear: Her brother materializes and promptly shuns her. Oh, Verity, you're better off! Yacht parties off the coast of Portugal > anything involving being a stepmom or being related to your metal-detecting brother.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another round of pushy letters from Blondie, Doc finally is like, \u003cem>Fiiiine, I'll come over.\u003c/em> Blondie doesn't waste any time letting him know how annoyed she is that he cares more about ailing poor people than her, a rich lady with no problems. She then shows him how wide she can open her mouth so he can examine her three-month-old fish bone injury and also get a few ideas in his head, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out she's completely fine. (You don't say!) They get to talking about all the poor people suffering from scurvy. Doc wishes it was easier for these people to access the kind of nutrients they need. Blondie wishes they would just die. No, really, she does:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Why do they not spend less on gin and more on oranges? Will you do any good by attempting to save these people? They'll only multiply. And then there will be more mouths to feed. Of course, it's sad to see them die, but at least it keeps the numbers in check.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc says, \u003cem>You are the absolute worst and I hope you get scurvy someday\u003c/em>, in the most polite British way possible. He also makes all of these faces:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/raw-9.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42245\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/raw-9.gif\" alt=\"disgusted gif\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and Horace the Pug is there for all of it and remains more adorable than all human children that have ever been born:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42246\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-800x444.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-800x444.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-400x222.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a mine shareholders meeting, Malfoy's Slytherin Crony sabotages Ross (again) and announces that he's bought out one of the other shareholders (again). Zzzzzz.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy spots Pinky Ring galloping past from his window and chases her down. \u003cem>Hang out with meeee! Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with meeee?! \u003c/em>She takes pity on him and agrees to have some tea (British people must be very hydrated). He makes her regret her kindness by basically telling her, \u003cem>Be my whore or I will destroy your husband and your beloved ex.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, some neighbor we've never met stops by with a proposition. If Ross will let him unload his illegal goods at his beach, the neighbor will pay him handsomely. Demelza knows this will lead to another trial and maybe an execution this time. Since women of the 1700s aren't allowed to disagree with their husbands in front of company, she must resort to convincing him that this is a terrible idea through glaring:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42248\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-800x448.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-16 at 7.07.16 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-400x224.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-1440x806.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-1180x660.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42247\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-19.gif\" alt=\"giphy (19)\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It doesn't work. Coming soon to Netflix:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"orange-is-the-new-poldark\" width=\"386\" height=\"477\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because she just can't take a hint, Blondie heads on over to Doc's house. At that very moment, he's leaving with a basket of apples for the people with scurvy. Will she redeem herself with an empathetic comment? Nah. \"Do your patients enjoy worms and mold?\" Money can't buy you flirting skills, that's for sure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Verity's, her sea captain hubby has a surprise. \u003cem>Guess what, Verity? My children, who loathe your very existence, are coming over for a slumber party! \u003c/em>Verity is YAY on the outside, VORTEX OF PUKE AND DREAD on the inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-20.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42257\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-20.gif\" alt=\"giphy (20)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross is kicking it with some of his homeboys. All the women are isolated to the kitchen because patriarchy. The Boys Club is considering a plan that involves letting Malfoy have Ross' mine and opening a brand new one 'cause they've proven themselves to be so good at mining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross comes into the kitchen, Demelza asks what they're planning. Ross is like, \u003cem>No need to worry your little female brain. I'll tell you some other time, if I feel like it. Oh, and by the way, I'm going down to help transport all those illegal goods tonight.\u003c/em> Let this be a lesson to us all: Don't marry a dude you barely know just because he's hot. Do a background check and also find out if he's a feminist first.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and the smugglers almost get caught, but don't. He returns home, feeling himself for a crime well done. Demelza GOES ALL THE WAY OFF:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42258\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-800x449.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-mad-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"449\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-400x225.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-1440x809.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark.jpg 1673w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>TL;DR version:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's cool for you to do illegal things that jeopardize our family, but when I go fishing so we'll have something to eat, that's a problem? You don't have to consider my opinion ever, but I always have to do as I'm told? GO F YOURSELF!!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42259\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\" alt=\"preach\" width=\"310\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Doc receives a delivery of oranges. So Blondie isn't completely evil after all! Before we can get used to that idea, she says more cringe-worthy stuff when Doc stops by to thank her: \"You don't imagine I care about the fate of a few fish wives, do you? Now you're under obligation to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/oprah-smh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42267\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/oprah-smh-gif.gif\" alt=\"oprah smh gif\" width=\"325\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At yet another mine shareholders meeting (zzzzz), Malfoy has decided to take Slytherin Crony's place so he can hasten the inevitable fist fight with Ross. Sometimes the anticipation of getting your jaw broken can be worse than the jaw breaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But it won't be today. Ross storms out and gallops very quickly to his accountant's office. He plans to sell half of his shares in the mine and use the money to open a new mine with his cousin. Backstabber Cousin is down, but wants to be totally honest about how he leaked all kinds of info to Malfoy last season, which led to great ruin for Ross. But Ross stops him: \u003cem>It's in the past! I'm sure it's nothing serious! Whatever! \u003c/em>Ignorance is bliss, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the deal is finalized, Ross heads to the pub to celebrate. Obviously, Malfoy is there. He immediately gloats about his takeover of Ross' mine and also reveals all the details of how Backstabber Cousin helped ruin Ross. Fight! Fight! Fight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they do! Ross seems to be the one to bet on, but all those boxing lessons have turned Malfoy into a killing machine! Don't believe me? Witness his attempt at gouging Ross' eyes out with his thumbs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42275\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-800x446.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-16 at 9.41.11 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-768x428.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-1180x658.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-960x535.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM.png 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So who won? Let's analyze all the assaulting, shall we?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy's landed hits:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A cane wack to Ross' head.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A knee to Ross' family jewels.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>The aforementioned eye gouge.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A smack to Ross' face.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' landed hits:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A dramatic shove.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A wall slam.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>An elbow to Malfoy's face.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Two gut punches.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Two face punches.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A fight-ending shove into a table.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Ross is victorious!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, the sea captain's daughter arrives early. Verity is a nervous wreck. And she should be because this girl is not here to make nice. Stepdaughter basically says, \u003cem>You're so much uglier than my mom. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM AND NEVER WILL BE!!! \u003c/em>It's basically the first part of Julia Roberts'\u003cem> Stepmom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a dock, Ross gets medical treatment from Doc and chit chats with Verity's husband. \u003cem>And then he tried to gouge my eyes out with his thumbs! \u003c/em>Backstabber Cousin runs over to be part of the cool crowd and immediately freaks out upon seeing his sister's husband a.k.a. the dude that shot him in the neck that one time. Before Backstabber Cousin can run away like he usually does, Ross gives him a loaded look that says, \u003cem>I know what you did. If I can forgive you for that evil stuff, you can forgive this dude for maybe killing his first wife, almost killing you in a duel, and taking your sister's virginity. \u003c/em>Backstabber Cousin thinks about it and then decides, \u003cem>Ok.\u003c/em>\u003cem> Cool.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out on the open sea, Demelza is fishing again. Might seem boring to some, but what if I told you she was fishing WHILE IN LABOR? Not sure if the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writer meant for this to be hilarious or not, but, after a painful contraction, Demelza says, \"Ooo, time to go! Time to go.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Verity's, the sea captain comes home and Verity hysterically tells him, \u003cem>Nu uh, no way, ma'am, I am not meeting any more of your children. Your evil daughter despises me! \u003c/em>Which turns out to be an awkward thing to say, seeing as his son is right in the hallway, but it's all good 'cause said son is chill and just wants some rum. Booze, bringing families together since 1784.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross returns home, but Demelza isn't there. He soon finds out she went fishing without permission again and he's red-hot mad. He finds her about to reach shore and immediately starts yelling at her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You are the most stubborn, pig-headed...!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, I am?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Where would you be if I hadn't come along?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Where would \u003cem>you\u003c/em> be if I hadn't come along? Drinking and brawling and dodging the noose. You're hateful!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You're infuriating!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She then promptly gives birth to a son. Ross' anger-management problems evaporate because OMG a male heir!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"lc eyeroll gif\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blondie passes by Doc's place of work to announce that she's moving back to London: \"I must return to civilization. One can only take so many barbarians.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Okay-girl-bye-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42284\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Okay-girl-bye-GIF.gif\" alt=\"Okay-girl-bye-GIF\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Demelza, Ross, Pinky Ring, Backstabber Cousin, Verity, and the Sea Captain all drink to celebrate the new mine, like one big, happy family. How long before they start selling each other's secrets and shooting each other in the neck again? I give it three episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Blondie.\u003c/strong> It wouldn't have been the worst thing if that fish bone had severed her vocal cords. Also, how much do you wanna bet that she's an ancestor of Ann Coulter?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Whoever Convinced Blondie to Move Back to London:\u003c/strong> Good job! I love you! Now convince her to leave Horace behind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>He steals every scene he's in. This show could just be 58 minutes of him doing various pug things and I would have zero complaints.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Glad she's back. Wish Xanax had been invented in her day; she could certainly use some.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>She took multi-tasking to a whole new level with that whole fishing and giving birth at the same time thing. Kudos!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">last week's season premiere\u003c/a>, the rich people of Cornwall almost hanged Ross, the poor people of Cornwall threw feces in someone's face, and Backstabber Cousin almost killed himself because even he can't stand the things he does and says. Will Demelza find ridiculous ways to hide her pregnancy from Ross \u003ca href=\"http://www.tvguide.com/news/scandal-ridiculous-ways-hide-kerry-washington-pregnancy-1080017/\">à la\u003cem> Scandal\u003c/em>\u003c/a>? Will Tarot Card Agatha go on a rant about how NASA is now saying that \u003ca href=\"http://time.com/4507672/nasa-on-zodiac-signs/\">all our star signs are apparently different than what we thought\u003c/a>? Will this entire episode be from the perspective of Horace the Pug (PLEASE)? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We kick things off with Malfoy practicing for his inevitable fist fight with Ross... in heels. A drag queen is born! Rupaul is proud and wants Malfoy to audition for the next season of \u003cem>Drag Race\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39551\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2.gif\" alt=\"111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2\" width=\"500\" height=\"347\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39552\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-800x440.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-09-30 at 3.40.26 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-800x440.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-400x220.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-768x422.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-1440x792.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-1180x649.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-960x528.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy thinks, \u003cem>You know what? That's not a terrible idea. Cornwall is miserably cold and everyone thinks I'm a loser for not being able to get Ross hanged, so why not try pursuing a drag career?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, without further ado, meet Hisstina Snakespeare:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39601\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg\" alt=\"hisstina-snakespeare\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Mr. Pigpen is trying to make amends for his contribution to the \u003cem>Let's Murder Ross!\u003c/em> campaign. His interaction with Ross goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg\" alt=\"mean girls are you still mad\" width=\"500\" height=\"500\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg 500w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-400x400.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross receives a letter from one of his investors, which basically reads like the lyrics to Rihanna's \"Bitch Betta Have My Money.\" He has a few days to pay back £1,000. I converted how much that would be in today's money and it's around £56,000, so yeah, he's screwed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza walks in and Ross opens up about all his troubles because open communication is a cornerstone of any healthy marriage. Actually, that doesn't happen at all. Ross gives her the cold shoulder and acts like the rabbit from \u003cem>Alice in Wonderland\u003c/em>, in a rush, with zero time for Demelza or the secret baby growing inside of her. He leaves without touching or kissing her. All that constant sex had to dry up at some point, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross attends a quarterly meeting of his mine's shareholders. The news is bad (as always) and Ross' message stays the same: \u003cem>If we can find a bunch of copper, it'll all be good! \u003c/em>Uh, yeah, that's generally how mining works. Ross is really lucky he's hot because his business acumen leaves something to be desired.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza is minding her business when Ross' friend from the war gallops up. He wants to drink rum with her. Demelza knows this will make her seem whorish in the eyes of the Cornish, but thinks \u003cem>Screw it! Imma do me!\u003c/em> 'cause her husband hasn't touched her in weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out War BFF wants Demelza to help Blondie's uncle's sick cow (???). Why would he assume Demelza knows anything about veterinary medicine? Is 'sick cow' a euphemism for something dirty? And how does War BFF even know Blondie's uncle?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before we can get answers to these questions, Ross walks in and throws a passive-aggressive hissy fit. How dare Demelza be hospitable to one of his best friends?! He bets she has the hots for Blondie's uncle too! He storms out. Demelza resists breaking a bottle over his head and instead opts for the tried-and-true weapon of all wronged pacifists: the side-eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39739\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"sideeye-demelza-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg 1672w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie looks out from her coach and says, \u003cem>Ewww, poverty!\u003c/em> Parliament Wannabe pleads with her to return to London, where she won't have to stomach such \"loathsome sights.\" Blondie spots her crush, Doc, talking to some street urchins, and brainstorms potential couple-name portmanteaus. Blondoc? Dlocdie? Hmm, needs work, but there's no time for that now because it's that part of the episode where we get to revel in the cute overload of Horace the Pug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39740\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x447.jpg\" alt=\"horace\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1440x804.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Backstabber Cousin is a walking, talking personification of the end of that sad egg Zoloft commercial.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39748\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-800x525.jpg\" alt=\"zoloft-francis-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"525\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-800x525.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-400x262.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-768x504.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark.jpg 852w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's loving life again, working hard in the fields, kicking it with his son, and no longer metaphorically shoving middle fingers in Pinky Ring's face for no reason all day long. Huzzah!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side of this coin, Malfoy/Hisstina is the walking, talking personification of the beginning of that sad egg Zoloft commercial. You see, Pinky Ring declined an invitation and still doesn't want to have sex with him. And all the money he spent on getting Parliament Wannabe elected isn't really coming to much. But -- take heart! -- there is something that always gets his spirits up: messing with Ross. He hatches a plan that involves Mr. Pigpen in some way. Uh-oh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the ranch, Demelza busts into Ross' office, puts her hands on her hips, and asks:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-serious-right-now-kanye-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39914\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-serious-right-now-kanye-gif.gif\" alt=\"are you serious right now kanye gif\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He replies that he is. He also suggests that, because Demelza is a common miner's daughter, she might not be able to control her lust around War BFF's fancy uniform. Does anyone have an Advil? I can't take much more of this man-baby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39750\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\" alt=\"tiffany new york\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza and her cute, shy puppy are like, \u003cem>Forget this! We're out of here!\u003c/em> They don't get very far before running into Pinky Ring, who doesn't waste any time getting into full-on gossip mode. \u003cem>Hey, girl! How's Ross handling the post-trial blues? And is he excited about your pregnancy? OMG, you haven't told him?! Well, sorry I kind of, sort of killed your first baby. Anyway, TTYL. Bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, after pulling an all-nighter in the mine, Ross approaches Demelza and wants to apologize, not for treating her like the crap that was thrown into Parliament Wannabe's face last episode, but because he needs to sell all her nice things to pay off his loan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Saint Demelza hatches another plan to save Ross' butt. She heads over to Blondie's uncle's house, takes one look at his sick cow and is like, \u003cem>Dump this one and get a new one. You can have mine... for a price. \u003c/em>(See what she did there?) He creepily touches her face and then just goes ahead and grabs her butt. (See what he did there?) The price will be one roll in the hay. Demelza counter-offers:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39758\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625-1.gif\" alt=\"my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625 (1)\" width=\"210\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess he likes it rough because he agrees to buy the cow. Ross and Demelza go into town to sell basically everything else they own: their chickens, pigs, goats, carpets, plates, and candle holders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emboldened by all the jiu-jitsu training he's been doing in pumps, Malfoy decides it's a good idea to strut on over to them and tell Ross the trial has made him look like crap. Demelza pulls Ross away and prevents this from taking place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sub-zero-fatality-mortal-kombat.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39759\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sub-zero-fatality-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"sub zero fatality mortal kombat\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Blondie approaches Doc and says, \"I have a tingling... in my throat.\" Mmhmm, I bet you do. He gives her all the I'm-just-not-that-into-you vibes, with a dash of you're-a-snob-and-a-half thrown in for good measure, and walks off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the woods, Mr. Pigpen is taking a stroll after a productive day at the bar when the two evil dudes who bribed him to testify against Ross jump out of the brush. They don't want their money back (they have plenty); they just want to kick all his organs in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross is making faces about the dinner Demelza cooked for him. She's like, \u003cem>Dude, you sold all our animals and pots and pans and plates and things. What did you expect? \u003c/em>Before she can reveal that she's not only pregnant but also filing for divorce, Twitter blows up with the news of Mr. Pigpen's death!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, everyone stands around Mr. Pigpen's dead body, as Mrs. Pigpen has a depressive mental breakdown. This evolves into an irate mental breakdown when the people who found his body reveal that he had 15 gold coins on him, and further evolves into a consumerist mental breakdown.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross reminisces about the time Mr. Pigpen taught him how to smoke when he was a child. Cool memory. Then, it finally dawns on him that the money was probably a bribe for testifying at the trial. I wish Ross was smarter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Malfoy's Manor, he's in drag again, practicing punching in a mirror. You better work, Hisstina Snakespeare!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/rupaul-you-better-work.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39839\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/rupaul-you-better-work.gif\" alt=\"rupaul you better work\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza decide to make amends with Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring because it'll piss Malfoy off. They happen upon Backstabber Cousin as he's scything. It's just like that time Ross was scything shirtless, only with absolutely zero-percent sex appeal. Now that they've reconciled, Backstabber Cousin is the end of that sad egg Zoloft commercial, but at double speed. He throws a block party and everyone twerks, dabs and dougies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy gets word that his henchmen murdered Mr. Pigpen. They were only supposed to paralyze him! Now Malfoy is smoking-weed-for-the-first-time paranoid. Ross is going to kill him!! He's probably outside right now!! And the government probably has his room tapped!! There's a knock at the door. Malfoy grabs his pistol. But it's just Parliament Wannabe. Hisstina Snakespeare lives to lip-sync another day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Blondie pretends to be sick so she can be treated by Doc and then promptly lose her virginity to him. But who cares about that? Horace the Pug is getting more screen time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39840\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-1440x803.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug.jpg 1677w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the party, Backstabber Cousin and Ross list the reasons why Malfoy sucks. In a different room, Tarot Card Agatha opens a door and yells, \"Where's my port?!\" (That isn't one of my jokes; that actually happens.) Bless her heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring's mother loudly proclaims how it's a shame her daughter has to hang out with maids and other riff-raff. Demelza is so over this. Get new material, people! She heads outside to get away from all the jerks and happens upon a hysterical Mrs. Pigpen. Someone has snatched Mr. Pigpen's corpse!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc arrives to help Blondie and it turns out she wasn't faking after all. There was a fish bone stuck in her throat! Blondie is now feeling him for several reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. He's cute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. He's a doctor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>C. He took a fish bone out of her throat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>D. He asked, \"Can I do anything for Horace while I'm here?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The first three are whatever, but that last one is a real doozy. Horace better be the ring-bearer at their wedding.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Ross and Backstabber Cousin take shots and bond over mining and how boring they've become.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza, various poor people and Mrs. Pigpen are really freaked out by the missing corpse. And are even more freaked out when Mr. Pigpen busts in! He's alive? He's alive! What the hell is going on?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the party, some rich dude is hysterical because he signed away his shares in Ross' mine to Malfoy. What else is new?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Pigpen shares the story of his Lazarus party trick. He woke up on the funeral prep table super thirsty for some gin, so he went down to the bar and everyone thought he was a ghost and ran off, which he was cool with 'cause that meant free booze. Then he came back home to find his wife all dressed up in widow gear and his friends eating a feast at the expense of his 15 coins. \u003cstrong>TL;DR version:\u003c/strong> People in the 1700s couldn't tell the difference between being blackout drunk and being dead. And almost dying doesn't make cheap alcoholics any less cheap or alcoholic.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The party is over and the only two people left awake are Ross and Pinky Ring. Ross tells Pinky Ring how hot she is and how he wonders what could've been if they had gotten together and how their love would have overcome the fact that he's kind of a prick and how much he appreciates that she's a lady and not just a scullery maid. Demelza is standing right outside the door and hears every word.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross gets tired of coming onto his married ex, he goes upstairs. Demelza is waiting. Their interaction goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Oh, hey. Mr. Pigpen is alive. Night.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross: \u003c/strong>OMG what?! Tell me everything!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Nope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> Remember last time we were here?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Yeah, you told me 'I love you' for the first time and you were stoked about my pregnancy. Crazy how everything's the opposite of that now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> Listen, every man has a roving eye. It's natural! Get over it! And -- wait a second -- you're pregnant again?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> You told me you didn't want another one so I didn't tell you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> I didn't! And I still don't! UGH, this sucks!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39739\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"sideeye-demelza-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg 1672w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> The jury finds the defendant guilty on all counts of being the worst husband ever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Mr. Pigpen's liver. \u003c/strong>Hardest worker in all of Cornwall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>I hope you outlive all of these people, which would probably be hard since pugs only live 15 years max, but I can dream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Is there anything more relatable than screaming \"Where's my [insert booze of choice here]\" at a party? No, there is not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>When TLC's Left Eye was fed up with her scrub of a man, she set his sneakers on fire, threw them into a fiberglass tub and accidentally burned down his entire mansion. I'm not advocating for arson, but... actually, I am. Burn it all down, Demelza!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/782762054696394752\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This week, almost every character wishes they could get a divorce.",
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"headline": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">last week's season premiere\u003c/a>, the rich people of Cornwall almost hanged Ross, the poor people of Cornwall threw feces in someone's face, and Backstabber Cousin almost killed himself because even he can't stand the things he does and says. Will Demelza find ridiculous ways to hide her pregnancy from Ross \u003ca href=\"http://www.tvguide.com/news/scandal-ridiculous-ways-hide-kerry-washington-pregnancy-1080017/\">à la\u003cem> Scandal\u003c/em>\u003c/a>? Will Tarot Card Agatha go on a rant about how NASA is now saying that \u003ca href=\"http://time.com/4507672/nasa-on-zodiac-signs/\">all our star signs are apparently different than what we thought\u003c/a>? Will this entire episode be from the perspective of Horace the Pug (PLEASE)? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We kick things off with Malfoy practicing for his inevitable fist fight with Ross... in heels. A drag queen is born! Rupaul is proud and wants Malfoy to audition for the next season of \u003cem>Drag Race\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39551\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2.gif\" alt=\"111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2\" width=\"500\" height=\"347\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39552\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-800x440.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-09-30 at 3.40.26 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-800x440.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-400x220.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-768x422.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-1440x792.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-1180x649.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-960x528.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy thinks, \u003cem>You know what? That's not a terrible idea. Cornwall is miserably cold and everyone thinks I'm a loser for not being able to get Ross hanged, so why not try pursuing a drag career?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, without further ado, meet Hisstina Snakespeare:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39601\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg\" alt=\"hisstina-snakespeare\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Mr. Pigpen is trying to make amends for his contribution to the \u003cem>Let's Murder Ross!\u003c/em> campaign. His interaction with Ross goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg\" alt=\"mean girls are you still mad\" width=\"500\" height=\"500\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg 500w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-400x400.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross receives a letter from one of his investors, which basically reads like the lyrics to Rihanna's \"Bitch Betta Have My Money.\" He has a few days to pay back £1,000. I converted how much that would be in today's money and it's around £56,000, so yeah, he's screwed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza walks in and Ross opens up about all his troubles because open communication is a cornerstone of any healthy marriage. Actually, that doesn't happen at all. Ross gives her the cold shoulder and acts like the rabbit from \u003cem>Alice in Wonderland\u003c/em>, in a rush, with zero time for Demelza or the secret baby growing inside of her. He leaves without touching or kissing her. All that constant sex had to dry up at some point, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross attends a quarterly meeting of his mine's shareholders. The news is bad (as always) and Ross' message stays the same: \u003cem>If we can find a bunch of copper, it'll all be good! \u003c/em>Uh, yeah, that's generally how mining works. Ross is really lucky he's hot because his business acumen leaves something to be desired.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza is minding her business when Ross' friend from the war gallops up. He wants to drink rum with her. Demelza knows this will make her seem whorish in the eyes of the Cornish, but thinks \u003cem>Screw it! Imma do me!\u003c/em> 'cause her husband hasn't touched her in weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out War BFF wants Demelza to help Blondie's uncle's sick cow (???). Why would he assume Demelza knows anything about veterinary medicine? Is 'sick cow' a euphemism for something dirty? And how does War BFF even know Blondie's uncle?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before we can get answers to these questions, Ross walks in and throws a passive-aggressive hissy fit. How dare Demelza be hospitable to one of his best friends?! He bets she has the hots for Blondie's uncle too! He storms out. Demelza resists breaking a bottle over his head and instead opts for the tried-and-true weapon of all wronged pacifists: the side-eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39739\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"sideeye-demelza-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg 1672w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie looks out from her coach and says, \u003cem>Ewww, poverty!\u003c/em> Parliament Wannabe pleads with her to return to London, where she won't have to stomach such \"loathsome sights.\" Blondie spots her crush, Doc, talking to some street urchins, and brainstorms potential couple-name portmanteaus. Blondoc? Dlocdie? Hmm, needs work, but there's no time for that now because it's that part of the episode where we get to revel in the cute overload of Horace the Pug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39740\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x447.jpg\" alt=\"horace\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1440x804.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Backstabber Cousin is a walking, talking personification of the end of that sad egg Zoloft commercial.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39748\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-800x525.jpg\" alt=\"zoloft-francis-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"525\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-800x525.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-400x262.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-768x504.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark.jpg 852w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's loving life again, working hard in the fields, kicking it with his son, and no longer metaphorically shoving middle fingers in Pinky Ring's face for no reason all day long. Huzzah!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side of this coin, Malfoy/Hisstina is the walking, talking personification of the beginning of that sad egg Zoloft commercial. You see, Pinky Ring declined an invitation and still doesn't want to have sex with him. And all the money he spent on getting Parliament Wannabe elected isn't really coming to much. But -- take heart! -- there is something that always gets his spirits up: messing with Ross. He hatches a plan that involves Mr. Pigpen in some way. Uh-oh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the ranch, Demelza busts into Ross' office, puts her hands on her hips, and asks:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-serious-right-now-kanye-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39914\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-serious-right-now-kanye-gif.gif\" alt=\"are you serious right now kanye gif\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He replies that he is. He also suggests that, because Demelza is a common miner's daughter, she might not be able to control her lust around War BFF's fancy uniform. Does anyone have an Advil? I can't take much more of this man-baby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39750\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\" alt=\"tiffany new york\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza and her cute, shy puppy are like, \u003cem>Forget this! We're out of here!\u003c/em> They don't get very far before running into Pinky Ring, who doesn't waste any time getting into full-on gossip mode. \u003cem>Hey, girl! How's Ross handling the post-trial blues? And is he excited about your pregnancy? OMG, you haven't told him?! Well, sorry I kind of, sort of killed your first baby. Anyway, TTYL. Bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, after pulling an all-nighter in the mine, Ross approaches Demelza and wants to apologize, not for treating her like the crap that was thrown into Parliament Wannabe's face last episode, but because he needs to sell all her nice things to pay off his loan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Saint Demelza hatches another plan to save Ross' butt. She heads over to Blondie's uncle's house, takes one look at his sick cow and is like, \u003cem>Dump this one and get a new one. You can have mine... for a price. \u003c/em>(See what she did there?) He creepily touches her face and then just goes ahead and grabs her butt. (See what he did there?) The price will be one roll in the hay. Demelza counter-offers:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39758\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625-1.gif\" alt=\"my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625 (1)\" width=\"210\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess he likes it rough because he agrees to buy the cow. Ross and Demelza go into town to sell basically everything else they own: their chickens, pigs, goats, carpets, plates, and candle holders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emboldened by all the jiu-jitsu training he's been doing in pumps, Malfoy decides it's a good idea to strut on over to them and tell Ross the trial has made him look like crap. Demelza pulls Ross away and prevents this from taking place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sub-zero-fatality-mortal-kombat.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39759\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sub-zero-fatality-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"sub zero fatality mortal kombat\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Blondie approaches Doc and says, \"I have a tingling... in my throat.\" Mmhmm, I bet you do. He gives her all the I'm-just-not-that-into-you vibes, with a dash of you're-a-snob-and-a-half thrown in for good measure, and walks off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the woods, Mr. Pigpen is taking a stroll after a productive day at the bar when the two evil dudes who bribed him to testify against Ross jump out of the brush. They don't want their money back (they have plenty); they just want to kick all his organs in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross is making faces about the dinner Demelza cooked for him. She's like, \u003cem>Dude, you sold all our animals and pots and pans and plates and things. What did you expect? \u003c/em>Before she can reveal that she's not only pregnant but also filing for divorce, Twitter blows up with the news of Mr. Pigpen's death!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, everyone stands around Mr. Pigpen's dead body, as Mrs. Pigpen has a depressive mental breakdown. This evolves into an irate mental breakdown when the people who found his body reveal that he had 15 gold coins on him, and further evolves into a consumerist mental breakdown.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross reminisces about the time Mr. Pigpen taught him how to smoke when he was a child. Cool memory. Then, it finally dawns on him that the money was probably a bribe for testifying at the trial. I wish Ross was smarter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Malfoy's Manor, he's in drag again, practicing punching in a mirror. You better work, Hisstina Snakespeare!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/rupaul-you-better-work.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39839\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/rupaul-you-better-work.gif\" alt=\"rupaul you better work\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza decide to make amends with Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring because it'll piss Malfoy off. They happen upon Backstabber Cousin as he's scything. It's just like that time Ross was scything shirtless, only with absolutely zero-percent sex appeal. Now that they've reconciled, Backstabber Cousin is the end of that sad egg Zoloft commercial, but at double speed. He throws a block party and everyone twerks, dabs and dougies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy gets word that his henchmen murdered Mr. Pigpen. They were only supposed to paralyze him! Now Malfoy is smoking-weed-for-the-first-time paranoid. Ross is going to kill him!! He's probably outside right now!! And the government probably has his room tapped!! There's a knock at the door. Malfoy grabs his pistol. But it's just Parliament Wannabe. Hisstina Snakespeare lives to lip-sync another day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Blondie pretends to be sick so she can be treated by Doc and then promptly lose her virginity to him. But who cares about that? Horace the Pug is getting more screen time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39840\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-1440x803.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug.jpg 1677w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the party, Backstabber Cousin and Ross list the reasons why Malfoy sucks. In a different room, Tarot Card Agatha opens a door and yells, \"Where's my port?!\" (That isn't one of my jokes; that actually happens.) Bless her heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring's mother loudly proclaims how it's a shame her daughter has to hang out with maids and other riff-raff. Demelza is so over this. Get new material, people! She heads outside to get away from all the jerks and happens upon a hysterical Mrs. Pigpen. Someone has snatched Mr. Pigpen's corpse!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc arrives to help Blondie and it turns out she wasn't faking after all. There was a fish bone stuck in her throat! Blondie is now feeling him for several reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. He's cute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. He's a doctor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>C. He took a fish bone out of her throat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>D. He asked, \"Can I do anything for Horace while I'm here?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The first three are whatever, but that last one is a real doozy. Horace better be the ring-bearer at their wedding.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Ross and Backstabber Cousin take shots and bond over mining and how boring they've become.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza, various poor people and Mrs. Pigpen are really freaked out by the missing corpse. And are even more freaked out when Mr. Pigpen busts in! He's alive? He's alive! What the hell is going on?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the party, some rich dude is hysterical because he signed away his shares in Ross' mine to Malfoy. What else is new?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Pigpen shares the story of his Lazarus party trick. He woke up on the funeral prep table super thirsty for some gin, so he went down to the bar and everyone thought he was a ghost and ran off, which he was cool with 'cause that meant free booze. Then he came back home to find his wife all dressed up in widow gear and his friends eating a feast at the expense of his 15 coins. \u003cstrong>TL;DR version:\u003c/strong> People in the 1700s couldn't tell the difference between being blackout drunk and being dead. And almost dying doesn't make cheap alcoholics any less cheap or alcoholic.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The party is over and the only two people left awake are Ross and Pinky Ring. Ross tells Pinky Ring how hot she is and how he wonders what could've been if they had gotten together and how their love would have overcome the fact that he's kind of a prick and how much he appreciates that she's a lady and not just a scullery maid. Demelza is standing right outside the door and hears every word.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross gets tired of coming onto his married ex, he goes upstairs. Demelza is waiting. Their interaction goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Oh, hey. Mr. Pigpen is alive. Night.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross: \u003c/strong>OMG what?! Tell me everything!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Nope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> Remember last time we were here?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Yeah, you told me 'I love you' for the first time and you were stoked about my pregnancy. Crazy how everything's the opposite of that now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> Listen, every man has a roving eye. It's natural! Get over it! And -- wait a second -- you're pregnant again?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> You told me you didn't want another one so I didn't tell you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> I didn't! And I still don't! UGH, this sucks!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39739\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"sideeye-demelza-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg 1672w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> The jury finds the defendant guilty on all counts of being the worst husband ever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Mr. Pigpen's liver. \u003c/strong>Hardest worker in all of Cornwall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>I hope you outlive all of these people, which would probably be hard since pugs only live 15 years max, but I can dream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Is there anything more relatable than screaming \"Where's my [insert booze of choice here]\" at a party? No, there is not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>When TLC's Left Eye was fed up with her scrub of a man, she set his sneakers on fire, threw them into a fiberglass tub and accidentally burned down his entire mansion. I'm not advocating for arson, but... actually, I am. Burn it all down, Demelza!\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Court and Spark",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Court and Spark",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey recaps\u003c/a> of yore. Since that show wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called Poldark that a bunch of you are supposedly crazy about. I have to be honest, I was skeptical at first. But my doubt was no match for \u003ca href=\"http://i2.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article5383476.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200/Poldark-star-Aidan-Turner-getting-the-brush-off-from-a-crew-member.jpg\">this photo\u003c/a>, so here I am. I hope you'll join me. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">my Season 1 recaps\u003c/a>. If you're too busy or impatient for all of that, here's the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross Poldark fought in the American Revolutionary War on the British side. As we know, things didn't really work out. Presumed dead, his ex got with his lame cousin because there were apparently no other men around who flaked on the war. Ross returns alive and everyone is supremely inconvenienced by his not-deadness. Ross proceeds to spend a lot of time hanging out with poor people. He even marries one! His scullery maid! And has a baby with her! But don't get too excited, the baby dies of strep throat or something like that. Oh, and there's a former classmate of Ross' who is hell-bent on ruining his life and has one of those faces that's just begging for a knuckle sandwich. At the end of Season 1, said classmate bribes some soldiers to arrest Ross over some made-up nonsense.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let's do this...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dramatic music, dramatic waves, dramatic cliffs, dramatic drone footage, all lead us to the edge of the world where Ross is being led to prison by a bunch of snappily-dressed soldiers. They take him to a tribunal, where a judge reads Ross' alleged crimes aloud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #1:\u003c/strong> Leading a blood-thirsty mob to pillage a shipwreck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Well...technically, they weren't thirsty for blood, they were thirsty for \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/22/why-is-everyone-so-obsessed-with-lacroix-and-mercury-in-retrograde/\">LaCroix\u003c/a> (who isn't, amirite?) and, you know, food to eat. But not blood, no. Next!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #2:\u003c/strong> Encouraging a riot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> I mean, what is a riot, really? All these people were doing was stealing tons of expensive cargo and murdering rich people. If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right. Got anything else?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #3:\u003c/strong> Killing that jerk who cheated at cards and tried to steal your entire inheritance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> OMG, I WISH!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judges chat amongst themselves and decide they have had...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/drag-race-ive-had-it-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38616\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/drag-race-ive-had-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"drag race i've had it gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They tell Ross he is going on trial for his criminal good looks and his criminal behavior too. This is all very concerning and all, but can we pause for a second to process the fact that Aidan Turner (Ross) got a haircut? Have we learned nothing from when Keri Russell cut off all her curly locks in the beginning of the second season of \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em> and everyone lost their damn minds and stopped watching the show?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anywho, Demelza is at home, inventing the FML acronym. Her baby is dead, but her cute little bed is still right there. Her husband is in prison, where people get gangrene and typhus and homesick. It's too bad that LiveJournal hasn't been created yet, because Demelza has earned the right to write some terrible, teen-angsty poetry right about now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Demelza has a chance to think of something that rhymes with siiiiiiiigh, Ross walks through the door! He's on parole! But he's probably going to be sentenced to prison in five days. Demelza thinks, \u003cem>Ugh, I bet \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/22/why-is-everyone-so-obsessed-with-lacroix-and-mercury-in-retrograde/\">Mercury is in retrograde\u003c/a>. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is pretending to be outraged over the charges, as if he didn't spend the entirety of Season 1 sabotaging Ross and wanting him to die in a stampede or avalanche or tsunami. Not buying it, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the edge of a cliff, Ross looks off into the distance and proclaims, \"A storm is coming.\" What can I say? Subtlety is not this show's strong suit. But there's shirtless scything so who cares?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza talks to Ross about their dead baby and the trial. Ross is in denial about both and says, \u003cem>You know what would be fun right now? Mining!\u003c/em> So they run off to their mine and the miners feel awkward, partly because their boss won't admit he's probably going to jail, but mostly because he cut his hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy is meeting with a lawyer. He wants Ross tried for murder because Ross doesn't want to be friends. Even his evil uncle is like, \u003cem>Really, dude?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a poor part of town, Mrs. Pigpen (Ross' former servant) is doing her laundry in a dirty puddle, as one in the 18th century does. Two men from the prosecution try to get her to sell out Ross. She's like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38850\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"no drag race gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a rich part of town, Pinky Ring (Ross' ex, now cousin-in-law) is unaccompanied (*gasp*). But no worries, evil Malfoy shows up to escort and salivate all over her. She's like, \u003cem>Ew, can you not? This is suede. Also, can you do me a solid and stop trying to get Ross thrown in jail? \u003c/em>Malfoy responds, \u003cem>So if I do that, will you be open to me then using this act of kindness to coerce you into making out with me whenever I want? And do you think Ross will finally want to hang out with me?\u003c/em> Pinky Ring is like, ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ \u003cem>yeah, sure\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets with Suze Orman's ancestor, who is appalled at the state of Ross' finances. Because he spent all of season 1 hiring people, he now has no money and will leave Demelza with a mountain of debt. Ross doesn't have much to say for himself, other than: \u003cem>My bad!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Pinky Ring writes Demelza a letter: \u003cem>Sorry about giving you the strep throat that killed your baby. And sorry about my husband ruining your husband. Wanna come over?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in town, some rich dude and a blonde woman pass Ross. Blondie is like, \u003cem>Yum! Who is that?!\u003c/em> Rich Dude is like, \u003cem>Just some nobody\u003c/em>. Ross catches Blondie doing a double take and thinks,\u003cem> I may be bankrupt and my hairs might be short, but I still got it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But more important than all that is Blondie's travel companion, a cute little pug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38866\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-1440x806.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38865\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-800x444.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark-2\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-800x444.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-400x222.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1440x798.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2.jpg 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38864\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark-3\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>His name is Horace! I'm in love!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, Horace's mom, Blondie, is in Cornwall to visit her uncle. The rich dude she's with is running for a seat in Parliament and wants to marry her. She's just not that into him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Mr. Pigpen is passed out drunk (his default setting). The two dudes from prosecution try to bribe him with booze in exchange for testimony against Ross. And Mr. Pigpen is about to give it to them... until Mrs. Pigpen swoops in to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michelle-visage-drag-race-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38868\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michelle-visage-drag-race-gif.gif\" alt=\"no michelle visage drag race gif\" width=\"540\" height=\"304\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza agree to accept Pinky Ring's invitation and regret it immediately. Malfoy is there, doing his creepy I'll-help-you-in-exchange-for-bestie-status-and-make-outs-with-Pinky-Ring thing. Ross does not have time for this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38869\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif\" alt=\"viola davis purse leaving gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Tarot Card Agatha is in the corner living for every moment, snacking on popcorn:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38977\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-800x445.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-agatha-popcorn\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-800x445.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-768x427.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1440x801.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1180x657.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-960x534.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he gets home, Ross calls Malfoy an \"upstart poodle.\" He says some other stuff too, but I couldn't hear over my laughter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Upstart Poodle is proofreading a pamphlet he's having printed. It's the page from his Burn Book dedicated to Ross. It basically says this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/burn-book-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38870\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/burn-book-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"burn book mean girls gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is out for a walk and stops in on Blondie's uncle. You see, this guy apparently knows the judge who will preside over Ross' trial. She pretends to have gotten queasy as she was walking. You can take the girl out of the street, but you can't take the street smarts out of the girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the mine, Ross takes out all his aggression by hammering a rock really hard without a shirt on. This is a thank you from the show's producers to all the straight woman and gay men watching. Keep the gratitude, coming.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Overlooking his closed mine, Backstabber Cousin whines like a baby about how he sucks at life and wishes he was Ross. Pinky Ring tries to say something reassuring, but is cut off by Backstabber Cousin storming off like the brat that he is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza sneakily gets into Blondie's uncle's favor. Parliament Wannabe and Blondie return home just in time to see Demelza leaving, and the former says she must be up to no good because she looks like a \"dangerous woman.\" If by that, he means that she is one of the best pop vocalists of her era, then yes, she is indeed a Dangerous Woman™:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38877\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande\" width=\"620\" height=\"620\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-400x400.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a heath somewhere, Ross runs into Backstabber Cousin and does that thing where you see an acquaintance on public transportation but really just wanna keep reading your book so you hide behind strangers or just get off and wait for the next bus or train. But unfortunately for Ross, there's nowhere to hide in a big open field and nowhere to go other than off the cliff, which does actually seem like a kinder fate than dealing with this loser. Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying Ross still hates Backstabber Cousin for ruining his business, marrying his girlfriend and killing his newborn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy drops by and slobbers over her some more. He calls her ravishing and then realizes Tarot Card Agatha is still alive and sitting right there. He extends the compliment to her as well and, without missing a beat, Tarot Card Agatha calls him \"pasty-faced\" and says it's a \"consequence of sitting too long indoors fingering coin.\" MVP!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin walks in and whines about Ross not wanting to chit chat like old pals on the heath. Malfoy is like, \u003cem>Typical!\u003c/em> Pinky Ring sighs. Tarot Card Agatha thinks,\u003cem> I hate everyone in this room.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin shows everyone the page from Malfoy's Burn Book that's making the round and accuses Malfoy of having something to do with it, in the most polite, British way possible. Malfoy returns the favor by calling him bankrupt, in the most polite, British way possible.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dirty side street, Mr. Pigpen is drunk as ever and cornered by the prosecutors. Mrs. Pigpen is not around to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michlle-visage-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38884\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michlle-visage-gif.gif\" alt=\"no michlle visage gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza is at the piano, playing the first single off of her new album \u003cem>Dangerous Woman\u003c/em>. Ross likes what he hears so much that he strips naked and they proceed to have sensual sex for a while (another thank you from the show's producers).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few miles away, now that he no longer has the money for a prostitute, Backstabber Cousin tries his hand at getting some from his wife. Pinky Ring is not having it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/14-01-Clueless-quotes.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38885\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/14-01-Clueless-quotes.gif\" alt=\"ew get off me clueless as if gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blue Ball'd Backstabber Cousin looks up at a portrait of his dead father, whose disapproving face sends a clear message:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16986\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"tyra-rooting-for-you\" width=\"500\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin announces he's going to Ross' trial. Pinky Ring wants to come, but Backstabber Cousin says \"court is no place for a woman.\" I'd like to see you tell that to these women:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-38886 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-800x531.jpg\" width=\"800\" height=\"531\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-800x531.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-768x510.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-1180x784.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-960x638.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin is feeling emotional with the trial just around the corner and confesses to kind of being in love with Ross. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>SAME!\u003c/em> Finally they agree on something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a fancy coach, Horace the pug is redefining cuteness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38887\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-800x453.jpg\" alt=\"horace-4\" width=\"800\" height=\"453\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-800x453.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-400x226.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-768x435.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-1440x815.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-1180x668.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-960x543.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4.jpg 1673w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie is arguing with her uncle over whether she has to be by Parliament Wannabe's side as he finds out if he's been voted into office or not. Blondie says she's going to stay in and eat jellies with Horace instead. Now here's someone with their priorities in order!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross arrives to court and finds Malfoy's Burn Book pages all over the place. He accepts his fate: a guest starring role in the next season of \u003cem>Orange Is The New Black\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"orange-is-the-new-poldark\" width=\"386\" height=\"477\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the local inn, Backstabber Cousin is complaining about there not being any rooms for him. Ross' doctor friend offers to share his room, but offers in that way you do when you want to be nice, but don't actually expect the person to take you up on it. Backstabber Cousin is all about making things awkward and being inappropriate, so get ready, roomie!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, as Doc is getting settled, there is an urgent call. Someone is gravely ill! Let it be Malfoy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Demelza is packing. Even though Ross forbade her from coming to the trial, she decides:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38896\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/BEYONCE-GIF-16-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38897\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/BEYONCE-GIF-16-1.gif\" alt=\"BEYONCE-GIF-16-1\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She hitches a ride with Verity (yay, the Queen is back!), who seems to be much happier now that she doesn't have to live with Backstabber Cousin and be reminded of how old everyone thinks 25 is every single day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc shows up to help the gravely ill person. It's sadly not Malfoy, it's HORACE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>NOOOOOOO!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38889\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-800x447.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug-5\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-1440x805.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's been having spasms. Dear \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writer, kill off human babies if you must, but not Horace! Never Horace!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Phew! Horace just needs to be carried less. This whole thing was simply a way for Doc to have a meet cute with Blondie. I can live with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets with his lawyer, who advises him to be apologetic. Ross being Ross says, \u003cem>HA HA HA! NO.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some ballroom, everyone is voting and talking about Malfoy's Burn Book. Backstabber Cousin shows up to confront Malfoy over it and say that, no matter how much money he acquires:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/CwMdBE5KXRpLExcXERkfABgAChxdBgwfSgMTWgobGhEXHRFMBxUYDBYNB1tXQkJTTEJTWwYbDBMVCxEWSwQbAw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38899\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/CwMdBE5KXRpLExcXERkfABgAChxdBgwfSgMTWgobGhEXHRFMBxUYDBYNB1tXQkJTTEJTWwYbDBMVCxEWSwQbAw.gif\" alt=\"money can't buy you class gif countess\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy's reply:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/rs_500x300-151117115948-giphy_4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/rs_500x300-151117115948-giphy_4.gif\" alt=\"shut up regina george mean girls gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a hotel room, Verity tries to convince Demelza not to go out alone on some mysterious errand because the streets are full of drunkards, since it's Election Day. Demelza is like,\u003cem> I used to be homeless. I got this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza immediately runs into her born again father, who brings up her dead baby and her soon-to-be-dead husband as evidence of her sins. Demelza responds by hugging him and saying:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38901\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\" alt=\"god is not real beyonce gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the room, Verity is minding her own goddamn business when there's a knock at the door. It's Backstabber Cousin, who proceeds to barge in, chug all the booze that can be found, and say things like \"How does it feel to be married to a drunken brute?\" with zero self-awareness. And because this wouldn't be a Backstabber Cousin meltdown without some whining about Ross, he laments that Ross is so important that people publish Burn Books about him to get him hanged. \u003cem>What about me?? I want a Burn Book! I want to be hanged!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity does what Verity does best and serves up a hot helping of \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grlly.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grlly.gif\" alt=\"girl really gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza finally makes it to her destination, the ballroom where everyone is voting and where Blondie's uncle is hanging out. But not so fast! Malfoy, who seems to be everywhere at once, tells the guards Demelza is \"a harlot\" and shouldn't be let inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38909\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\" alt=\"Kristen-Wiig-pissed\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the hotel, an employee lets Backstabber Cousin into Doc's room. The employee wonders if there's something gay going on: \"It's a small chamber, sir, and but a single bed!\" Backstabber Cousin assures him, \u003cem>I'm not planning on gay stuff, but I am planning on probably committing suicide. \u003c/em>The employee is like,\u003cem> Phew! Okay, bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross is chilling in his cell, awaiting trial. Malfoy shows up, as he always does. Someone get this villain a FitBit; he gets around! 10k steps before noon, easy. Anyway, Malfoy offers to help and Ross essentially says, \u003cem>Go F yourself. \u003c/em>Malfoy rejoices. Now he can tell Pinky Ring he tried to help, but was turned away, and she'll fall madly in love with him and have all the sex. Mmhm, keep telling yourself that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Pinky Ring, Tarot Card Agatha is -- what else -- pulling tarot cards! Justice, The Tower, Death. Before we can even guess what that all means, we are taken back to the hotel where Backstabber Cousin puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger. I'll let you guess which person in this gif represents me:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38941\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\" alt=\"survivor smile shocked gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in prison, Ross finds out Mr. Pigpen intends to testify against him. Wow. I wonder if the old lady sees Mr. Pigpen being torn apart by wild dogs in her tarot reading.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Demelza manages to sneak into the fancy ballroom and walks right up to Blondie, her uncle and Parliament Wannabe. Blondie is like, \u003cem>OMG, is your husband guilty?! What did he do? Let's dish, girlfriend!\u003c/em> Demelza is like, \u003cem>Ew.\u003c/em> A mob roars outside and Parliament Wannabe assumes they're \"clamoring\" for him. Hmm, clamoring to put your fancy head on a pike is more like it, but go ahead and check it out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the pub, everyone is talking about how badass French people are and how fun guillotines seem. They promise to start murdering rich people soon, but first they have to go to court to cheer on Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the fancy ballroom, Demelza's sweet talking only goes so far. Blondie's uncle just wants to drink his port and chill tonight, sorry. So she decides to talk to the judge herself. Uh oh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the election results are being read. It's a tie! So the sensible thing to do is to recount or revote, right? Apparently not. The omnipresent Malfoy is there, whispering in Parliament Wannabe's ear to just sit in the winner's chair (a literal chair) and just act like he deserves it (you know, revel in his white male privilege). So he does. The crowd carries around his chair like he just got Jewish married. But unlike what usually happens at weddings, the crowd also starts throwing feces directly into his face! Dear Cornwall, never change.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/alyssa-edwards-poop-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38985\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/alyssa-edwards-poop-gif.gif\" alt=\"alyssa edwards poop gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The feces instigator is thrown in the jail cell across from Ross. He speaks eloquently about civil rights... until a soldier knocks him unconscious with the butt of a rifle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Blondie is flirting a little too antagonistically for Doc's liking. She's offended that he's offended. Then he's offended that she's offended that he's offended. Cliff's Notes version: they will be married in two episodes or less.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Demelza is saying all the right things to the judge. \u003cem>OMG, you hate drinking? Me too! What a coinkidink! So anywayyy, what would you say if I told you someone was trying to bribe people into giving false testimonies??\u003c/em> Before the judge can answer, Malfoy slithers up and outs Demelza as Ross' wife. The judge is appalled! Malfoy's heart shrinks another size.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judge and Malfoy walk approximately three feet away to discuss how important it is to make an example of Ross so that poor people know their place (this place does not involve feces-throwing or basic human rights). This experience is going to make for a killer single on Demelza's next album.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the hotel, Ross' doctor friend is ready for bed, but his door is locked. The employee is like, \u003cem>Your maybe gay lover is in there.\u003c/em> Doc knocks, but there's no answer. The music swells and just as Doc is about to break down the door, Backstabber Cousin opens it, looking a hot mess. He's alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/unimpressed-whitney.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38948\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/unimpressed-whitney.gif\" alt=\"unimpressed whitney\" width=\"350\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin tells Doc all about how his gun malfunctioned. He sucks at life and so do his belongings. He then proceeds to ramble about how he's still planning on killing himself, but wants to have a drink beforehand. Doc spends this whole time thinking about how anyone else would have picked up that his offering his room was just a formality. It wasn't a real suggestion. What is wrong with this dude?! Doc just wants a good night's sleep. Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Demelza yells at Malfoy and calls him out for being a blacksmith's grandson. He calls her out for being a miner's daughter and, soon, a gentleman's widow. Yikes. Lord Voldemort would be proud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/voldemort-hug-malfoy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38986\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/voldemort-hug-malfoy.gif\" alt=\"voldemort hug malfoy\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Backstabber Cousin is fiddling with his gun. Doc is lying on his bed, watching and feeling very awkward.Backstabber Cousin asks, \"Ask me, am I cleaning it to put away or do I intend to use it again?\" Doc is like, \u003cem>Ummm, are you cleaning it or do you intend to use it again?\u003c/em> Backstabber Cousin is like, \u003cem>OMG, thanks for asking! I'm not sure. I might kill someone else or myself. Still deciding.\u003c/em> What does a boring lunatic have to do for some attention and validation around here?! Apparently, brag for hours about maybe or maybe not committing suicide.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Malfoy and one of his Slytherin cronies are planning on stacking the courthouse with loud people who don't like Ross. Goodie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross and the Feces Thrower shoot the sh*t (pardon the pun; Carrie Bradshaw taught me). They hope they both get justice, but aren't too optimistic. And they shouldn't be because Feces Thrower is found guilty. The judge does not leave much to the imagination with his sentence: \"You are to be taken from hence to a place of execution, where you will be hanged from the neck... until you die.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38987\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\" alt=\"your tone seems very pointed right now gif willam\" width=\"232\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif 232w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 232px) 100vw, 232px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross enters the courtroom, almost everyone yells \"Murderer!\" and other fun things Malfoy paid them to say. Other people paid by Malfoy take the stand and say Ross kicked injured people and body slammed puppies, among other evil acts. Speaking of evil, Demelza's dad busts in to call Ross the Devil Incarnate. Cool story, bro; now off you go to the dentist to fix those black teeth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza starts hyperventilating and runs from the courtroom. Pinky Ring follows her out and blurts out, \"I came for Backstabber Cousin.\" Um, ok. She then says, \u003cem>Sorry I killed your baby with my germs. Is having a dead kid the worst?!\u003c/em> There's no real way to respond to that so Demelza blurts out, \u003cem>I'M PREGNANT!\u003c/em> That's nice if she is, but it would be awesome if she wasn't and she just uses that line to get out of awkward social situations.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Mr. Pigpen takes the stand and starts selling Ross out for a few coins. Everyone on #TeamRoss is disgusted. But then Mr. Pigpen changes his story either because his booze is wearing off or just kicking in (not sure what kind of drunk he is). His testimony is thrown out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The captain of the shipwreck, a reverse Sully if you will, takes the stand. He says the beach that night was like Dante's Inferno (oo, someone took AP English!) and adds that everyone really misbehaved. Ross speaks up and has a...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/destinys-child-question-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38956\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/destinys-child-question-gif.gif\" alt=\"destiny's child question gif\" width=\"535\" height=\"291\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross goes, \u003cem>Hey, Captain dude, remember when I protected you and your men and brought you to my house to keep you safe, even though I had just buried my baby and my wife was on her death bed?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Captain replies:\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38957\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif\" alt=\"Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah\" width=\"263\" height=\"263\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif 263w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 263px) 100vw, 263px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross looks at the judge and jury and does this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/i-told-you-so-stephen-colbert.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38958\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/i-told-you-so-stephen-colbert.gif\" alt=\"i told you so stephen colbert\" width=\"332\" height=\"352\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's Doc's turn to take the stand. He basically says, \u003cem>Hey, guys! I'm a doctor and I can say Ross was kind of nuts that night 'cause of his dead baby and maybe dead wife. Plus, all the drinking he was doing for like a week straight. And the not sleeping for days on end. So yeah, he didn't do it, but if he did, he was just temporarily a little cray cray. Thanks for your time. Bye! \u003c/em>Everyone on #TeamRoss wishes Doc had stayed home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The court takes a short recess and Slytherin Crony asks why Malfoy isn't giddier. Malfoy is like, \u003cem>I mean, it's cool that Ross is going to die for not wanting to be my friend, but I want his mine too. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38959\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\" alt=\"veruca salt i want it now\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Backstabber Cousin approaches Pinky Ring to remind her he forbade her from coming and let her know he's still an insanely jealous, insecure prick. Then he walks away from her, as she's asking him a question, just to make sure she didn't forget how awful he is. How long does it take to fix a malfunctioning gun? (Too soon?)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The court regroups and Ross' lawyer tells him to either grovel or be hanged. So Ross gets ready to grit his teeth and apologize, until he doesn't. \u003cem>Hi, y'all. So yeah, there was kind of a riot and some people took things that didn't belong to them.... BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. ENGLAND'S CLASS SYSTEM IS BULLSHIT. SORRY NOT SORRY. I WOULD DO IT ALL AGAIN. I'M OUT!\u003c/em> Ross drops the mic and sits back down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' lawyer looks like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/marcia-clark-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38960\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/marcia-clark-crying.gif\" alt=\"marcia clark crying\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judge tells the jury,\u003cem> That was a cute speech and all, but he totally did it and I want you to convict him so I can hang him. K thx bai!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The jury takes approximately two whole minutes and comes back with their verdict. The defendant is....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>.....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>.........\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>..................\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>NOT GUILTY!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>#TeamRoss loses their sh*t, as if Oprah just gave them all cars...or, um, new horse-drawn carriages or whatever:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-12.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38967\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-12.gif\" alt=\"giphy (12)\" width=\"575\" height=\"394\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah-audience.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38970\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah-audience.gif\" alt=\"oprah-audience\" width=\"431\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6yic0l.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38971\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6yic0l.gif\" alt=\"6yic0l\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o.gif\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38968\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o.gif\" alt=\"5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o\" width=\"350\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprahgif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38973\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprahgif.gif\" alt=\"oprahgif\" width=\"350\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/favoritethingsprayer.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38974\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/favoritethingsprayer.gif\" alt=\"favoritethingsprayer\" width=\"350\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/amypoehlerhead.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38969\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/amypoehlerhead.gif\" alt=\"amypoehlerhead\" width=\"320\" height=\"179\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Malfoy and his Slytherin Crony are all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah02.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38972\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah02.gif\" alt=\"oprah02\" width=\"356\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Swept up in all the hope fulfillment, Verity runs to her brother, Backstabber Cousin, and is like, \u003cem>Yayyyyyy! Also, let's not fight anymore, okay? Life is short and stuff.\u003c/em> Despite the wondrous optimism of the moment, Backstabber Cousin can't help but rain on the parade: \u003cem>Yeah, no. I still hate your husband for shooting me in the neck that one time.\u003c/em> Verity runs away crying. His magical power is inspiring that reaction in people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring walks up and has to pretend not to be elated about Ross not being hanged because it might send Backstabber Cousin into another one of his jealous tantrums. Just get a divorce! If it's good enough for Brangelina, it's good enough for you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza ride to the beach, where all their poor friends are having a chill bonfire. Everyone rejoices, violins and fiddles are played, the 18th century version of twerking occurs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Tarot Card Agatha shows Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring a card and proclaims, \"Not guilty!\" She should open up a stand or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy is busy doing this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38976\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt-willy-wonka\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Slytherin Crony is like, \u003cem>Um, so we tried to kill Ross and it didn't work. Aren't you scared that he's going to try to kill us now?\u003c/em> Malfoy is like, \u003cem>Oh sh*t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza and Ross run into the Pigpens. Ross is still mad about the whole you-almost-got-me-killed-for-50-cents thing. But it seems as though he'll rehire them tomorrow because he just loves hiring people that much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a mansion across town, Malfoy locks and loads a pistol and puts it in his bedside table, as he should. Be afraid, be very afraid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza tells Ross she is perfectly happy... except that all that she wants is another baby, just as Ace of Base predicted. Ross says now is not a good time. Demelza realizes her strategy for revealing her pregnancy in a cute, fun way wasn't thought out so well, after all. They have sex anyway.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Malfoy:\u003c/strong> He reached Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-to-his-death levels of evil here. It's only a matter of time before Ross uses the Avada Kedavra spell on him, and I will be watching next to Tarot Card Agatha with popcorn in my lap.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>It's awesome that she tried to sneakily get Ross off the hook several times. If only she was actually any good at being sneaky.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> Everyone forgets she's still alive and/or assumes she's senile, but -- \u003cem>au contraire\u003c/em> -- she knows all, sees all, judges all. She's basically half Nostradamus, half insult comic. Keep on truckin', centenarian!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Ross\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>He lives! Well, technically, he doesn't since this is set centuries ago, but you know what I mean. Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Horace\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> If you don't agree with my awarding the number one spot to a dog, scroll back up and take in those photos of the beloved pug one more time. You'll understand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "The O.J. trial of the 18th century. Will our hero be hanged? Or will he live to scythe shirtless another day?",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey recaps\u003c/a> of yore. Since that show wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called Poldark that a bunch of you are supposedly crazy about. I have to be honest, I was skeptical at first. But my doubt was no match for \u003ca href=\"http://i2.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article5383476.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200/Poldark-star-Aidan-Turner-getting-the-brush-off-from-a-crew-member.jpg\">this photo\u003c/a>, so here I am. I hope you'll join me. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">my Season 1 recaps\u003c/a>. If you're too busy or impatient for all of that, here's the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross Poldark fought in the American Revolutionary War on the British side. As we know, things didn't really work out. Presumed dead, his ex got with his lame cousin because there were apparently no other men around who flaked on the war. Ross returns alive and everyone is supremely inconvenienced by his not-deadness. Ross proceeds to spend a lot of time hanging out with poor people. He even marries one! His scullery maid! And has a baby with her! But don't get too excited, the baby dies of strep throat or something like that. Oh, and there's a former classmate of Ross' who is hell-bent on ruining his life and has one of those faces that's just begging for a knuckle sandwich. At the end of Season 1, said classmate bribes some soldiers to arrest Ross over some made-up nonsense.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let's do this...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dramatic music, dramatic waves, dramatic cliffs, dramatic drone footage, all lead us to the edge of the world where Ross is being led to prison by a bunch of snappily-dressed soldiers. They take him to a tribunal, where a judge reads Ross' alleged crimes aloud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #1:\u003c/strong> Leading a blood-thirsty mob to pillage a shipwreck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Well...technically, they weren't thirsty for blood, they were thirsty for \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/22/why-is-everyone-so-obsessed-with-lacroix-and-mercury-in-retrograde/\">LaCroix\u003c/a> (who isn't, amirite?) and, you know, food to eat. But not blood, no. Next!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #2:\u003c/strong> Encouraging a riot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> I mean, what is a riot, really? All these people were doing was stealing tons of expensive cargo and murdering rich people. If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right. Got anything else?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #3:\u003c/strong> Killing that jerk who cheated at cards and tried to steal your entire inheritance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> OMG, I WISH!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judges chat amongst themselves and decide they have had...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/drag-race-ive-had-it-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38616\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/drag-race-ive-had-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"drag race i've had it gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They tell Ross he is going on trial for his criminal good looks and his criminal behavior too. This is all very concerning and all, but can we pause for a second to process the fact that Aidan Turner (Ross) got a haircut? Have we learned nothing from when Keri Russell cut off all her curly locks in the beginning of the second season of \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em> and everyone lost their damn minds and stopped watching the show?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anywho, Demelza is at home, inventing the FML acronym. Her baby is dead, but her cute little bed is still right there. Her husband is in prison, where people get gangrene and typhus and homesick. It's too bad that LiveJournal hasn't been created yet, because Demelza has earned the right to write some terrible, teen-angsty poetry right about now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Demelza has a chance to think of something that rhymes with siiiiiiiigh, Ross walks through the door! He's on parole! But he's probably going to be sentenced to prison in five days. Demelza thinks, \u003cem>Ugh, I bet \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/22/why-is-everyone-so-obsessed-with-lacroix-and-mercury-in-retrograde/\">Mercury is in retrograde\u003c/a>. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is pretending to be outraged over the charges, as if he didn't spend the entirety of Season 1 sabotaging Ross and wanting him to die in a stampede or avalanche or tsunami. Not buying it, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the edge of a cliff, Ross looks off into the distance and proclaims, \"A storm is coming.\" What can I say? Subtlety is not this show's strong suit. But there's shirtless scything so who cares?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza talks to Ross about their dead baby and the trial. Ross is in denial about both and says, \u003cem>You know what would be fun right now? Mining!\u003c/em> So they run off to their mine and the miners feel awkward, partly because their boss won't admit he's probably going to jail, but mostly because he cut his hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy is meeting with a lawyer. He wants Ross tried for murder because Ross doesn't want to be friends. Even his evil uncle is like, \u003cem>Really, dude?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a poor part of town, Mrs. Pigpen (Ross' former servant) is doing her laundry in a dirty puddle, as one in the 18th century does. Two men from the prosecution try to get her to sell out Ross. She's like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38850\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"no drag race gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a rich part of town, Pinky Ring (Ross' ex, now cousin-in-law) is unaccompanied (*gasp*). But no worries, evil Malfoy shows up to escort and salivate all over her. She's like, \u003cem>Ew, can you not? This is suede. Also, can you do me a solid and stop trying to get Ross thrown in jail? \u003c/em>Malfoy responds, \u003cem>So if I do that, will you be open to me then using this act of kindness to coerce you into making out with me whenever I want? And do you think Ross will finally want to hang out with me?\u003c/em> Pinky Ring is like, ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ \u003cem>yeah, sure\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets with Suze Orman's ancestor, who is appalled at the state of Ross' finances. Because he spent all of season 1 hiring people, he now has no money and will leave Demelza with a mountain of debt. Ross doesn't have much to say for himself, other than: \u003cem>My bad!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Pinky Ring writes Demelza a letter: \u003cem>Sorry about giving you the strep throat that killed your baby. And sorry about my husband ruining your husband. Wanna come over?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in town, some rich dude and a blonde woman pass Ross. Blondie is like, \u003cem>Yum! Who is that?!\u003c/em> Rich Dude is like, \u003cem>Just some nobody\u003c/em>. Ross catches Blondie doing a double take and thinks,\u003cem> I may be bankrupt and my hairs might be short, but I still got it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But more important than all that is Blondie's travel companion, a cute little pug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38866\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-1440x806.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38865\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-800x444.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark-2\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-800x444.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-400x222.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1440x798.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2.jpg 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38864\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark-3\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>His name is Horace! I'm in love!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, Horace's mom, Blondie, is in Cornwall to visit her uncle. The rich dude she's with is running for a seat in Parliament and wants to marry her. She's just not that into him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Mr. Pigpen is passed out drunk (his default setting). The two dudes from prosecution try to bribe him with booze in exchange for testimony against Ross. And Mr. Pigpen is about to give it to them... until Mrs. Pigpen swoops in to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michelle-visage-drag-race-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38868\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michelle-visage-drag-race-gif.gif\" alt=\"no michelle visage drag race gif\" width=\"540\" height=\"304\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza agree to accept Pinky Ring's invitation and regret it immediately. Malfoy is there, doing his creepy I'll-help-you-in-exchange-for-bestie-status-and-make-outs-with-Pinky-Ring thing. Ross does not have time for this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38869\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif\" alt=\"viola davis purse leaving gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Tarot Card Agatha is in the corner living for every moment, snacking on popcorn:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38977\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-800x445.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-agatha-popcorn\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-800x445.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-768x427.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1440x801.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1180x657.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-960x534.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he gets home, Ross calls Malfoy an \"upstart poodle.\" He says some other stuff too, but I couldn't hear over my laughter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Upstart Poodle is proofreading a pamphlet he's having printed. It's the page from his Burn Book dedicated to Ross. It basically says this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/burn-book-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38870\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/burn-book-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"burn book mean girls gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is out for a walk and stops in on Blondie's uncle. You see, this guy apparently knows the judge who will preside over Ross' trial. She pretends to have gotten queasy as she was walking. You can take the girl out of the street, but you can't take the street smarts out of the girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the mine, Ross takes out all his aggression by hammering a rock really hard without a shirt on. This is a thank you from the show's producers to all the straight woman and gay men watching. Keep the gratitude, coming.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Overlooking his closed mine, Backstabber Cousin whines like a baby about how he sucks at life and wishes he was Ross. Pinky Ring tries to say something reassuring, but is cut off by Backstabber Cousin storming off like the brat that he is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza sneakily gets into Blondie's uncle's favor. Parliament Wannabe and Blondie return home just in time to see Demelza leaving, and the former says she must be up to no good because she looks like a \"dangerous woman.\" If by that, he means that she is one of the best pop vocalists of her era, then yes, she is indeed a Dangerous Woman™:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38877\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande\" width=\"620\" height=\"620\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-400x400.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a heath somewhere, Ross runs into Backstabber Cousin and does that thing where you see an acquaintance on public transportation but really just wanna keep reading your book so you hide behind strangers or just get off and wait for the next bus or train. But unfortunately for Ross, there's nowhere to hide in a big open field and nowhere to go other than off the cliff, which does actually seem like a kinder fate than dealing with this loser. Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying Ross still hates Backstabber Cousin for ruining his business, marrying his girlfriend and killing his newborn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy drops by and slobbers over her some more. He calls her ravishing and then realizes Tarot Card Agatha is still alive and sitting right there. He extends the compliment to her as well and, without missing a beat, Tarot Card Agatha calls him \"pasty-faced\" and says it's a \"consequence of sitting too long indoors fingering coin.\" MVP!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin walks in and whines about Ross not wanting to chit chat like old pals on the heath. Malfoy is like, \u003cem>Typical!\u003c/em> Pinky Ring sighs. Tarot Card Agatha thinks,\u003cem> I hate everyone in this room.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin shows everyone the page from Malfoy's Burn Book that's making the round and accuses Malfoy of having something to do with it, in the most polite, British way possible. Malfoy returns the favor by calling him bankrupt, in the most polite, British way possible.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dirty side street, Mr. Pigpen is drunk as ever and cornered by the prosecutors. Mrs. Pigpen is not around to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michlle-visage-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38884\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michlle-visage-gif.gif\" alt=\"no michlle visage gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza is at the piano, playing the first single off of her new album \u003cem>Dangerous Woman\u003c/em>. Ross likes what he hears so much that he strips naked and they proceed to have sensual sex for a while (another thank you from the show's producers).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few miles away, now that he no longer has the money for a prostitute, Backstabber Cousin tries his hand at getting some from his wife. Pinky Ring is not having it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/14-01-Clueless-quotes.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38885\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/14-01-Clueless-quotes.gif\" alt=\"ew get off me clueless as if gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blue Ball'd Backstabber Cousin looks up at a portrait of his dead father, whose disapproving face sends a clear message:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16986\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"tyra-rooting-for-you\" width=\"500\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin announces he's going to Ross' trial. Pinky Ring wants to come, but Backstabber Cousin says \"court is no place for a woman.\" I'd like to see you tell that to these women:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-38886 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-800x531.jpg\" width=\"800\" height=\"531\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-800x531.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-768x510.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-1180x784.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-960x638.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin is feeling emotional with the trial just around the corner and confesses to kind of being in love with Ross. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>SAME!\u003c/em> Finally they agree on something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a fancy coach, Horace the pug is redefining cuteness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38887\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-800x453.jpg\" alt=\"horace-4\" width=\"800\" height=\"453\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-800x453.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-400x226.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-768x435.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-1440x815.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-1180x668.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-960x543.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4.jpg 1673w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie is arguing with her uncle over whether she has to be by Parliament Wannabe's side as he finds out if he's been voted into office or not. Blondie says she's going to stay in and eat jellies with Horace instead. Now here's someone with their priorities in order!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross arrives to court and finds Malfoy's Burn Book pages all over the place. He accepts his fate: a guest starring role in the next season of \u003cem>Orange Is The New Black\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"orange-is-the-new-poldark\" width=\"386\" height=\"477\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the local inn, Backstabber Cousin is complaining about there not being any rooms for him. Ross' doctor friend offers to share his room, but offers in that way you do when you want to be nice, but don't actually expect the person to take you up on it. Backstabber Cousin is all about making things awkward and being inappropriate, so get ready, roomie!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, as Doc is getting settled, there is an urgent call. Someone is gravely ill! Let it be Malfoy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Demelza is packing. Even though Ross forbade her from coming to the trial, she decides:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38896\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/BEYONCE-GIF-16-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38897\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/BEYONCE-GIF-16-1.gif\" alt=\"BEYONCE-GIF-16-1\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She hitches a ride with Verity (yay, the Queen is back!), who seems to be much happier now that she doesn't have to live with Backstabber Cousin and be reminded of how old everyone thinks 25 is every single day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc shows up to help the gravely ill person. It's sadly not Malfoy, it's HORACE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>NOOOOOOO!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38889\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-800x447.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug-5\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-1440x805.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's been having spasms. Dear \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writer, kill off human babies if you must, but not Horace! Never Horace!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Phew! Horace just needs to be carried less. This whole thing was simply a way for Doc to have a meet cute with Blondie. I can live with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets with his lawyer, who advises him to be apologetic. Ross being Ross says, \u003cem>HA HA HA! NO.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some ballroom, everyone is voting and talking about Malfoy's Burn Book. Backstabber Cousin shows up to confront Malfoy over it and say that, no matter how much money he acquires:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/CwMdBE5KXRpLExcXERkfABgAChxdBgwfSgMTWgobGhEXHRFMBxUYDBYNB1tXQkJTTEJTWwYbDBMVCxEWSwQbAw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38899\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/CwMdBE5KXRpLExcXERkfABgAChxdBgwfSgMTWgobGhEXHRFMBxUYDBYNB1tXQkJTTEJTWwYbDBMVCxEWSwQbAw.gif\" alt=\"money can't buy you class gif countess\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy's reply:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/rs_500x300-151117115948-giphy_4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/rs_500x300-151117115948-giphy_4.gif\" alt=\"shut up regina george mean girls gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a hotel room, Verity tries to convince Demelza not to go out alone on some mysterious errand because the streets are full of drunkards, since it's Election Day. Demelza is like,\u003cem> I used to be homeless. I got this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza immediately runs into her born again father, who brings up her dead baby and her soon-to-be-dead husband as evidence of her sins. Demelza responds by hugging him and saying:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38901\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\" alt=\"god is not real beyonce gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the room, Verity is minding her own goddamn business when there's a knock at the door. It's Backstabber Cousin, who proceeds to barge in, chug all the booze that can be found, and say things like \"How does it feel to be married to a drunken brute?\" with zero self-awareness. And because this wouldn't be a Backstabber Cousin meltdown without some whining about Ross, he laments that Ross is so important that people publish Burn Books about him to get him hanged. \u003cem>What about me?? I want a Burn Book! I want to be hanged!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity does what Verity does best and serves up a hot helping of \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grlly.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grlly.gif\" alt=\"girl really gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza finally makes it to her destination, the ballroom where everyone is voting and where Blondie's uncle is hanging out. But not so fast! Malfoy, who seems to be everywhere at once, tells the guards Demelza is \"a harlot\" and shouldn't be let inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38909\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\" alt=\"Kristen-Wiig-pissed\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the hotel, an employee lets Backstabber Cousin into Doc's room. The employee wonders if there's something gay going on: \"It's a small chamber, sir, and but a single bed!\" Backstabber Cousin assures him, \u003cem>I'm not planning on gay stuff, but I am planning on probably committing suicide. \u003c/em>The employee is like,\u003cem> Phew! Okay, bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross is chilling in his cell, awaiting trial. Malfoy shows up, as he always does. Someone get this villain a FitBit; he gets around! 10k steps before noon, easy. Anyway, Malfoy offers to help and Ross essentially says, \u003cem>Go F yourself. \u003c/em>Malfoy rejoices. Now he can tell Pinky Ring he tried to help, but was turned away, and she'll fall madly in love with him and have all the sex. Mmhm, keep telling yourself that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Pinky Ring, Tarot Card Agatha is -- what else -- pulling tarot cards! Justice, The Tower, Death. Before we can even guess what that all means, we are taken back to the hotel where Backstabber Cousin puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger. I'll let you guess which person in this gif represents me:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38941\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\" alt=\"survivor smile shocked gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in prison, Ross finds out Mr. Pigpen intends to testify against him. Wow. I wonder if the old lady sees Mr. Pigpen being torn apart by wild dogs in her tarot reading.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Demelza manages to sneak into the fancy ballroom and walks right up to Blondie, her uncle and Parliament Wannabe. Blondie is like, \u003cem>OMG, is your husband guilty?! What did he do? Let's dish, girlfriend!\u003c/em> Demelza is like, \u003cem>Ew.\u003c/em> A mob roars outside and Parliament Wannabe assumes they're \"clamoring\" for him. Hmm, clamoring to put your fancy head on a pike is more like it, but go ahead and check it out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the pub, everyone is talking about how badass French people are and how fun guillotines seem. They promise to start murdering rich people soon, but first they have to go to court to cheer on Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the fancy ballroom, Demelza's sweet talking only goes so far. Blondie's uncle just wants to drink his port and chill tonight, sorry. So she decides to talk to the judge herself. Uh oh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the election results are being read. It's a tie! So the sensible thing to do is to recount or revote, right? Apparently not. The omnipresent Malfoy is there, whispering in Parliament Wannabe's ear to just sit in the winner's chair (a literal chair) and just act like he deserves it (you know, revel in his white male privilege). So he does. The crowd carries around his chair like he just got Jewish married. But unlike what usually happens at weddings, the crowd also starts throwing feces directly into his face! Dear Cornwall, never change.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/alyssa-edwards-poop-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38985\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/alyssa-edwards-poop-gif.gif\" alt=\"alyssa edwards poop gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The feces instigator is thrown in the jail cell across from Ross. He speaks eloquently about civil rights... until a soldier knocks him unconscious with the butt of a rifle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Blondie is flirting a little too antagonistically for Doc's liking. She's offended that he's offended. Then he's offended that she's offended that he's offended. Cliff's Notes version: they will be married in two episodes or less.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Demelza is saying all the right things to the judge. \u003cem>OMG, you hate drinking? Me too! What a coinkidink! So anywayyy, what would you say if I told you someone was trying to bribe people into giving false testimonies??\u003c/em> Before the judge can answer, Malfoy slithers up and outs Demelza as Ross' wife. The judge is appalled! Malfoy's heart shrinks another size.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judge and Malfoy walk approximately three feet away to discuss how important it is to make an example of Ross so that poor people know their place (this place does not involve feces-throwing or basic human rights). This experience is going to make for a killer single on Demelza's next album.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the hotel, Ross' doctor friend is ready for bed, but his door is locked. The employee is like, \u003cem>Your maybe gay lover is in there.\u003c/em> Doc knocks, but there's no answer. The music swells and just as Doc is about to break down the door, Backstabber Cousin opens it, looking a hot mess. He's alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/unimpressed-whitney.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38948\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/unimpressed-whitney.gif\" alt=\"unimpressed whitney\" width=\"350\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin tells Doc all about how his gun malfunctioned. He sucks at life and so do his belongings. He then proceeds to ramble about how he's still planning on killing himself, but wants to have a drink beforehand. Doc spends this whole time thinking about how anyone else would have picked up that his offering his room was just a formality. It wasn't a real suggestion. What is wrong with this dude?! Doc just wants a good night's sleep. Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Demelza yells at Malfoy and calls him out for being a blacksmith's grandson. He calls her out for being a miner's daughter and, soon, a gentleman's widow. Yikes. Lord Voldemort would be proud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/voldemort-hug-malfoy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38986\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/voldemort-hug-malfoy.gif\" alt=\"voldemort hug malfoy\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Backstabber Cousin is fiddling with his gun. Doc is lying on his bed, watching and feeling very awkward.Backstabber Cousin asks, \"Ask me, am I cleaning it to put away or do I intend to use it again?\" Doc is like, \u003cem>Ummm, are you cleaning it or do you intend to use it again?\u003c/em> Backstabber Cousin is like, \u003cem>OMG, thanks for asking! I'm not sure. I might kill someone else or myself. Still deciding.\u003c/em> What does a boring lunatic have to do for some attention and validation around here?! Apparently, brag for hours about maybe or maybe not committing suicide.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Malfoy and one of his Slytherin cronies are planning on stacking the courthouse with loud people who don't like Ross. Goodie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross and the Feces Thrower shoot the sh*t (pardon the pun; Carrie Bradshaw taught me). They hope they both get justice, but aren't too optimistic. And they shouldn't be because Feces Thrower is found guilty. The judge does not leave much to the imagination with his sentence: \"You are to be taken from hence to a place of execution, where you will be hanged from the neck... until you die.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38987\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\" alt=\"your tone seems very pointed right now gif willam\" width=\"232\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif 232w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 232px) 100vw, 232px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross enters the courtroom, almost everyone yells \"Murderer!\" and other fun things Malfoy paid them to say. Other people paid by Malfoy take the stand and say Ross kicked injured people and body slammed puppies, among other evil acts. Speaking of evil, Demelza's dad busts in to call Ross the Devil Incarnate. Cool story, bro; now off you go to the dentist to fix those black teeth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza starts hyperventilating and runs from the courtroom. Pinky Ring follows her out and blurts out, \"I came for Backstabber Cousin.\" Um, ok. She then says, \u003cem>Sorry I killed your baby with my germs. Is having a dead kid the worst?!\u003c/em> There's no real way to respond to that so Demelza blurts out, \u003cem>I'M PREGNANT!\u003c/em> That's nice if she is, but it would be awesome if she wasn't and she just uses that line to get out of awkward social situations.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Mr. Pigpen takes the stand and starts selling Ross out for a few coins. Everyone on #TeamRoss is disgusted. But then Mr. Pigpen changes his story either because his booze is wearing off or just kicking in (not sure what kind of drunk he is). His testimony is thrown out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The captain of the shipwreck, a reverse Sully if you will, takes the stand. He says the beach that night was like Dante's Inferno (oo, someone took AP English!) and adds that everyone really misbehaved. Ross speaks up and has a...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/destinys-child-question-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38956\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/destinys-child-question-gif.gif\" alt=\"destiny's child question gif\" width=\"535\" height=\"291\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross goes, \u003cem>Hey, Captain dude, remember when I protected you and your men and brought you to my house to keep you safe, even though I had just buried my baby and my wife was on her death bed?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Captain replies:\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38957\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif\" alt=\"Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah\" width=\"263\" height=\"263\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif 263w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 263px) 100vw, 263px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross looks at the judge and jury and does this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/i-told-you-so-stephen-colbert.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38958\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/i-told-you-so-stephen-colbert.gif\" alt=\"i told you so stephen colbert\" width=\"332\" height=\"352\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's Doc's turn to take the stand. He basically says, \u003cem>Hey, guys! I'm a doctor and I can say Ross was kind of nuts that night 'cause of his dead baby and maybe dead wife. Plus, all the drinking he was doing for like a week straight. And the not sleeping for days on end. So yeah, he didn't do it, but if he did, he was just temporarily a little cray cray. Thanks for your time. Bye! \u003c/em>Everyone on #TeamRoss wishes Doc had stayed home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The court takes a short recess and Slytherin Crony asks why Malfoy isn't giddier. Malfoy is like, \u003cem>I mean, it's cool that Ross is going to die for not wanting to be my friend, but I want his mine too. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38959\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\" alt=\"veruca salt i want it now\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Backstabber Cousin approaches Pinky Ring to remind her he forbade her from coming and let her know he's still an insanely jealous, insecure prick. Then he walks away from her, as she's asking him a question, just to make sure she didn't forget how awful he is. How long does it take to fix a malfunctioning gun? (Too soon?)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The court regroups and Ross' lawyer tells him to either grovel or be hanged. So Ross gets ready to grit his teeth and apologize, until he doesn't. \u003cem>Hi, y'all. So yeah, there was kind of a riot and some people took things that didn't belong to them.... BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. ENGLAND'S CLASS SYSTEM IS BULLSHIT. SORRY NOT SORRY. I WOULD DO IT ALL AGAIN. I'M OUT!\u003c/em> Ross drops the mic and sits back down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' lawyer looks like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/marcia-clark-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38960\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/marcia-clark-crying.gif\" alt=\"marcia clark crying\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judge tells the jury,\u003cem> That was a cute speech and all, but he totally did it and I want you to convict him so I can hang him. K thx bai!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The jury takes approximately two whole minutes and comes back with their verdict. The defendant is....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>.....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>.........\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>..................\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>NOT GUILTY!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>#TeamRoss loses their sh*t, as if Oprah just gave them all cars...or, um, new horse-drawn carriages or whatever:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-12.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38967\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-12.gif\" alt=\"giphy (12)\" width=\"575\" height=\"394\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah-audience.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38970\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah-audience.gif\" alt=\"oprah-audience\" width=\"431\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6yic0l.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38971\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6yic0l.gif\" alt=\"6yic0l\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o.gif\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38968\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o.gif\" alt=\"5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o\" width=\"350\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprahgif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38973\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprahgif.gif\" alt=\"oprahgif\" width=\"350\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/favoritethingsprayer.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38974\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/favoritethingsprayer.gif\" alt=\"favoritethingsprayer\" width=\"350\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/amypoehlerhead.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38969\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/amypoehlerhead.gif\" alt=\"amypoehlerhead\" width=\"320\" height=\"179\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Malfoy and his Slytherin Crony are all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah02.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38972\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah02.gif\" alt=\"oprah02\" width=\"356\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Swept up in all the hope fulfillment, Verity runs to her brother, Backstabber Cousin, and is like, \u003cem>Yayyyyyy! Also, let's not fight anymore, okay? Life is short and stuff.\u003c/em> Despite the wondrous optimism of the moment, Backstabber Cousin can't help but rain on the parade: \u003cem>Yeah, no. I still hate your husband for shooting me in the neck that one time.\u003c/em> Verity runs away crying. His magical power is inspiring that reaction in people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring walks up and has to pretend not to be elated about Ross not being hanged because it might send Backstabber Cousin into another one of his jealous tantrums. Just get a divorce! If it's good enough for Brangelina, it's good enough for you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza ride to the beach, where all their poor friends are having a chill bonfire. Everyone rejoices, violins and fiddles are played, the 18th century version of twerking occurs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Tarot Card Agatha shows Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring a card and proclaims, \"Not guilty!\" She should open up a stand or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy is busy doing this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38976\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt-willy-wonka\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Slytherin Crony is like, \u003cem>Um, so we tried to kill Ross and it didn't work. Aren't you scared that he's going to try to kill us now?\u003c/em> Malfoy is like, \u003cem>Oh sh*t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza and Ross run into the Pigpens. Ross is still mad about the whole you-almost-got-me-killed-for-50-cents thing. But it seems as though he'll rehire them tomorrow because he just loves hiring people that much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a mansion across town, Malfoy locks and loads a pistol and puts it in his bedside table, as he should. Be afraid, be very afraid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza tells Ross she is perfectly happy... except that all that she wants is another baby, just as Ace of Base predicted. Ross says now is not a good time. Demelza realizes her strategy for revealing her pregnancy in a cute, fun way wasn't thought out so well, after all. They have sex anyway.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Malfoy:\u003c/strong> He reached Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-to-his-death levels of evil here. It's only a matter of time before Ross uses the Avada Kedavra spell on him, and I will be watching next to Tarot Card Agatha with popcorn in my lap.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>It's awesome that she tried to sneakily get Ross off the hook several times. If only she was actually any good at being sneaky.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> Everyone forgets she's still alive and/or assumes she's senile, but -- \u003cem>au contraire\u003c/em> -- she knows all, sees all, judges all. She's basically half Nostradamus, half insult comic. Keep on truckin', centenarian!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Ross\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>He lives! Well, technically, he doesn't since this is set centuries ago, but you know what I mean. Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Horace\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> If you don't agree with my awarding the number one spot to a dog, scroll back up and take in those photos of the beloved pug one more time. You'll understand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, everything that could have happened did. Pinky Ring gave birth, Uncle almost croaked, Backstabber Cousin boinked a prostitute, Demelza lost her V Card, Ross did chores nearly naked, oh yeah, and Ross and Demelza randomly got married and... you know what, it's just too much to list so go back and \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">read all about it\u003c/a>. I'll wait...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...Now that we're all caught up, I wonder what's in store for us this time around? Will Ross and Demelza go to Mykonos for their honeymoon, realize Cornwall and everyone in it sucks, and decide to just stay? Will Pinky Ring find out about her boring husband sleeping with a prostitute and pull a Lorena Bobbitt? Will Verity join the old lady with the tarot cards' coven and start punishing some of these a-holes? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza sings and skips in a field. Wouldn't you if you landed a hottie like that for a husband?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are back at home, talking smack about her. They really hope this is like Britney Spears' 55-hour Vegas marriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross watches Demelza cook. So she still has to be the maid, even though they're married now? The power dynamics in this relationship are troubling. The look on Ross' face communicates that he agrees. It also communicates, \u003cem>Holy crap, what in the world was I thinking?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He gets over these thoughts though and enters the kitchen, startling Demelza, who's like \u003cem>Ahh, my boss! I mean... my husband? \u003c/em>He flips her around and makes out with her. Demelza is like,\u003cem> I don't have time for this. I have chores!\u003c/em> And he's like,\u003cem> Oh, I have a chore for you to do... \u003c/em>They laugh conspiratorially like horny monsters.\u003cem> \u003c/em>Before you know it, they're naked in bed. So this show is now basically \u003cem>Melrose Place\u003c/em> minus a couple of centuries and LA's warm weather. Got it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Backstabber Cousin's mine, he's breaking all the management training rules. He pushes one of his workers for asking to be paid. Wow. Class act. Ross turns up to remind him of the man he isn't, so Backstabber Cousin naturally goes into a man baby tantrum (his default setting). \u003cem>Waaah! Did my daddy send you to tell me I'm not good enough? Waaaah! Did my wife send you to tell me I'm a bad lay? Waaaah!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is like, \u003cem>Um, woah.\u003c/em> Before he can say anything else, Backstabber Cousin brags about how much he's \"gaming and whoring.\" \u003cem>Every man does it\u003c/em>, he says. Ross replies, \u003cem>Not me. Spoiler: I got married to a poor person.\u003c/em> Backstabber Cousin is scandalized and secretly so very glad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grinch-stole-christmas.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38260\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grinch-stole-christmas.gif\" alt=\"grinch stole christmas\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin says the obvious things he's supposed to say: \u003cem>But she's so poor! You'll be ruined! And you won't be invited to Christmas dinner! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' response is repetitive but to the point:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wy5HQfeQKao\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We get a montage of everyone talking about how \"deranged\" this marriage is. Pinky Ring is in major denial and pretends to play the harp. Verity is eating it all up 'cause now everyone will forget the scandal that was that one single date she went on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even the village prostitute has something to say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> \"Is she beautiful?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...in a way.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38267\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"so rude kim kardashian gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Exsqueeze me?! How very dare you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I'll let it slide because it's directly followed by a quote that's way worse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy's Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Doors which were open will be slammed in his face. His ventures will fail. And you can enjoy the sight of him in the gutter, along with his slut.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can an anvil fall on this dude's head already?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen tell Demelza this whole thing is weird because she's still technically doing maid things. Demelza agrees and has a freshman-year-of-college-existential-crisis. Who am I?? No, \u003cem>what\u003c/em> am I? *takes a hit of some medicinal weed*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross gets bad news: the mine is not turning up any copper so he needs more funding to continue the digging or whatever. So he goes to meet with his rich donors and it isn't even a full 30 seconds before the village doctor says the following about people who don't have enough to eat: \"Those who cannot feed, should not breed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One more anvil please!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After taking Ross' rash behavior (his teenage misdemeanors, his freakout at Jim's trial, his marriage to a poor person) into consideration, some of the rich dudes decide not to give him any more money for the mine. Two dudes hand over some cash either because they're nice or they just felt too awkward to say no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross gets home, he gives Demelza a gift. It's a book. Um, who's gonna tell him she can't read? \"To practice your letters!\" I'm pretty sure handing an illiterate person a copy of\u003cem> Ulysses\u003c/em> and expecting them to be educated by the mere sight of all the weird squiggly shapes on the page isn't how that works. He also gives her ribbon to tie up her \"unruly mane.\" Ross is cute and all, but he's not really good at this whole not-making-a-woman-feel-like-total-crap thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and this exchange about their nascent marriage happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Nothing's changed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Nothing??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I do get less sleep.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38275\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\" alt=\"addams family eyebrow raise gif\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This next scene speaks for itself:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle is struggling to get on a horse to go see his mine.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Dr. Choke ordered bed rest!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Dr. Choke doesn't have a failing mind or a son whose neither use nor ornament!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Touched by your faith, father.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Not sufficiently touched to act like a man!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle's roast is interrupted by another heart attack.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If one must die, one might as well go down talking sh*t about Backstabber Cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross has a bit of a problem. You see, Demelza still acts like a poor person because marrying someone doesn't instantly change everything about you (imagine that!). She goes to the mine and says something about sticking a fork in her eye (soooo unladylike!) and she wrestles Mr. Pigpen to the ground for eating one of her pies (soooo unbecoming!). But Ross has a solution because he always does. I bet it involves hiring someone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And there it is! He decides to hire recently incarcerated Jim's baby mama a.k.a. Child Bride to be Demelza's lady's maid. Having someone to look down on and order around should have her acting like an entitled rich person in no time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross heads over to hang out with his dying uncle. When he gets there, the doctor is bloodletting Uncle. Umm, I was an English major, but I'm pretty sure that's not the right thing to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle, Verity and Ross talk about Ross' new marriage. Verity, down chick that she is, is thrilled for all the right reasons and congratulates Ross warmly. And then this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Francis especially was quick to see the advantage...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Father!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Of what?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"A wife to divert you. He feels it marginally less likely that you'll ride over and steal Pinky Ring from him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>: \"Father, compose yourself!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OHHHHH MY HEART!!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle has yet another heart attack.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his death bed, Uncle tells Ross: \"We both know Backstabber Cousin is not the man you are.\" Damn. The only person who dislikes Backstabber Cousin more than me is his own father.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the funeral, Backstabber Cousin basically hocks a loogie on his father's fresh grave:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"He'll be missed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Not by me. Is it terrible to feel nothing but relief?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, yeah, I'd say so. At this rate, Backstabber Cousin is going to turn into the monster from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/08/can-disagreeing-over-stranger-things-lead-to-divorce-probably/\">\u003cem>Stranger Things\u003c/em>\u003c/a> by the end of the season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/monster-meme-stranger-things-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38369\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/monster-meme-stranger-things-gif.gif\" alt=\"monster meme stranger things gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"331\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the funeral reception, the old lady with the tarot cards says Uncle probably died because he ate too much custard. Considering that the \"doctor\" was casually bloodletting, I'll take her medical opinion over his.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Malfoy and his uncle do what they do best: say super rude things loud enough for everyone to hear. Malfoy, who's supposed to be Backstabber Cousin's BFF, even name drops the prostitute they both have been sharing. Why do these two keep getting invites? Block them! Unfollow! Good day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Pinky Ring does what she does best: feeling sorry for herself, while looking out a window. Verity interrupts her moping to say one of them has to go downstairs and play the hostess and it probably should be Pinky Ring because she's the mistress of the house and Verity is blacklisted as a harlot for going on one innocent date with a man who kind of sort of murdered his wife.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It soon becomes clear that all Pinky Ring's moping isn't about the person who just died at all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"She didn't come. His wife...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"This isn't the occasion.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"Will you give him my good wishes?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Shouldn't you do that yourself?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity keeps it so real. She is the patron saint of \"Girl, really?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/latrice-girl-really-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38370\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/latrice-girl-really-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"latrice girl really gif drag race\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin continues to be evil.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You must be relieved.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"How?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You're not the only one to disgrace the family with an unsuitable attachment.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hit 'em with another one, Verity:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/girl-really-jujubee-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38377\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/girl-really-jujubee-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"girl really jujubee gif drag race\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy continues the tradition of being the mosquito that won't stop buzzing in your ear while you're sleeping. Ross is unbothered and basically says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/harry-potter-who-are-you-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38378\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/harry-potter-who-are-you-gif.gif\" alt=\"harry potter who are you gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"204\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy gets even by cornering the disgraced doctor and buying his shares in Ross' mine from him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some days later, Ross has a surprise for Demelza: Verity is coming over for a slumber party! Demelza immediately has an anxiety attack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All three of them sit for lunch and Verity catches them up on what's been going on at her house: Pinky Ring has been playing the harp (zzz), Pinky Ring has been speaking French to the baby (zzzzz), Verity has her needlework (zzzzzzzz) and old lady with the tarot cards, whose name is apparently Agatha, has her spinning (zzzzzzzzzzzz). While these fancy 18th century ladies have been bored out of their minds, Backstabber Cousin has been \"often away.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/darla-can-crush-gif-little-rascals.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38385\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/darla-can-crush-gif-little-rascals.gif\" alt=\"darla can crush gif little rascals\" width=\"390\" height=\"219\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross decides to go to work because the idea of forcing Verity and Demelza to make awkward cross-class small talk is hilarious. Verity is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/dont-leave-me-here-orange-is-the-new-black-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38386\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/dont-leave-me-here-orange-is-the-new-black-gif.gif\" alt=\"don't leave me here orange is the new black gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, they can't find copper and are running out of money. Sounds like it's time for Ross to take my earlier advice of turning the mine into a spot where hipsters can buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He could make a fortune!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza and Verity are needlepointing in awkward silence. Demelza wonders what a fancy lady would do and thinks,\u003cem> I know! I'll ring the maid bell! I'll ask for tea! Fancy ladies love super hot beverages you spend 25 minutes blowing on and only 1 minute actually enjoying! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Faux pas alert: it's way too early for tea! Oops!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After what seems like an eternity, the girls get to the real talk. Demelza is like, \u003cem>You think I'm trash, right?\u003c/em> And Verity is like, \u003cem>No, you are perfect for Ross. You're like his Rachel, you know? Oh, of course you don't know, that TV couple won't be imagined for some time. Anyway, you seem cool.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like at most slumber parties, talk turns to love and boys. Demelza doesn't believe Ross will ever truly love her but:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"When we're abed, I have reason to believe I please him.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38388\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"verity shocked poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-400x221.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-768x424.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-1440x794.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-1180x651.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-960x530.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM.png 1675w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity is to a gospel hymn as Demelza is to Salt n Pepa's \"Let's Talk About Sex.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But she's not judgmental 'cause she's a down chick with a heart of gold. \"Do you think I care a jot where you come from or who your father is or how well you curtsey?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity then teaches Demelza how to curtsey, dance, and set a table. It's basically a mash-up of the first parts of \u003cem>My Fair Lady\u003c/em> and \u003cem>The Princess Diaries. \u003c/em>Cute overload.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38389\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\" alt=\"lauren conrad aww gif\" width=\"357\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also, despite the limits of time and space, Beyonce's impact is still felt in 18th century Cornwall:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/779435919979925504\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Demelza asks if they can get Verity and the captain back together. Ross says no, strips naked and enjoys some kinky newlywed sex. That's certainly one way to answer a simple question.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Verity is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/get-in-loser-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38390\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/get-in-loser-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"get in loser mean girls gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"337\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They go to Mood Fabrics to pick out material for a hot new dress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On their way home, Verity asks, \u003cem>Dude, what's wrong. You suffering from buyers remorse or something?\u003c/em> Demelza says, \u003cem>God no, nothing like that! I just won't get to wear the dress for much longer 'cause I'm super duper pregnant! \u003c/em>Verity is like,\u003cem> I'm combelling!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, everyone in the region is freaking out over something. Bells are ringing, people are running and shouting, some dude is waving branches in the air like a lunatic. Ross rushes home and tells Demelza to quickly jump on his horse. She chooses this moment to have a heart-to-heart about how she feels he's always disappointed in her. Ross is like, \u003cem>Girl, you are tripping, now get on.\u003c/em> She's like \u003cem>Good talk\u003c/em> and gets on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out all the commotion was about the fishermen coming back with tons and tons of seafood! No one will starve this winter! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, word on the street is that the bloodletting doctor is talking a lot of mess about Ross' marriage and trying to convince others to stop financing his mine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/michelle-full-house-haters-gonna-hate-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38397\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/michelle-full-house-haters-gonna-hate-gif.gif\" alt=\"michelle full house haters gonna hate gif\" width=\"473\" height=\"341\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time passes. Winter comes. Demelza throws up a lot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>An invitation to Christmas dinner from Backstabber Cousin comes in the mail. Demelza is like, \u003cem>HARD PASS!\u003c/em> But Ross RSVPs anyway because men know best.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When the time comes, Demelza enters Backstabber Cousin's house and feels French-peasants-storming-Versailles feelings. Pinky Ring appears and everyone is expecting this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_leazlv0T901qe4ty6o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38399\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_leazlv0T901qe4ty6o1_400.gif\" alt=\"gossip girl purse throw gif fight\" width=\"350\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But this happens instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_lli6dj08jC1qibbuw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38400\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_lli6dj08jC1qibbuw.gif\" alt=\"gossip girl excited hug gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Solidarity, sister!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But things take a turn for the awkward when Tarot Card Agatha asks Demelza a bunch of questions that only rich people know the answer to. She's not doing it to be mean; she's just kind of senile, which explains why she says this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Go and sit by Pinky Ring so I can see how you measure up.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha decides, \u003cem>Ehhh, B minus.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin bullies Pinky Ring for no reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You think I don't know what you're about. Taking her under your wing, making her your friend. Oh, Ross, see how kind and generous I am? Look at what a pearl you've lost!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"You're being ridiculous.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin: \"\u003c/strong>Am I?!?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, so did a demonic spirit take over Backstabber Cousin's body or something? He was low-key deplorable in the beginning of the series, but this is some Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-off-a-cliff kind of evil.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different bedroom, a package arrives for Demelza. It's the dress she ordered on her shopping trip with Verity! I really hope there are harem pants in that box.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Ross hangs out with Pinky Ring like they didn't used to think they were soul mates. Pinky Ring complains about how Backstabber Cousin is gambling away all their money and having lots of sex that doesn't involve her. Ross is in the middle of being scandalized when Backstabber Cousin walks in and is like, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Whatcha talking about? Derp derp derp.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Demelza is having another anxiety attack. What if she morning-sicknesses all over her new dress at dinner?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, there's a knock on the door. Uninvited guests on Christmas, how very gauche! It's Malfoy, his uncle, that thirsty girl who is still upset that Ross didn't want to dance with her that one time, and some random. Oh, goodie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for dinner. Everyone is about to sit down when a shadow at the door appears. Decked out in her brand new dress, Demelza walks into the dining room like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38402\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\" alt=\"violet chacki drag race dress gif\" width=\"375\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone thinks, \u003cem>Slay, queen, slay!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dinner is served and the thirsty girl doesn't waste any time throwing digs Demelza's way. She brings up what a scandal the marriage was, how maids are always getting ideas of rising above their station, how any unwed woman above 23 should just kill herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity, who is 25, dies a little inside. I wish Verity would stand up, splash wine in this girl's face and say, \"'Tis my Christmas wish for you to get the F out of my house. Now scram!\" But this is 18th century England so she doesn't say anything. :-*(\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Pinky Ring plays the harp while everyone tries to stay awake. When she's done, Thirsty Girl grabs Demelza and tries to force her to play a lick on the harp too. Surely her governess taught her, right? Grrrrr.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross mentions that Demelza can sing and forces her to audition for \u003cem>The Voice\u003c/em> with no warning. She thinks, \u003cem>Oh, what the hell\u003c/em> and lets a folk song rip. She is the Tori Amos of her time and everyone is spell-bound, even the haters. They all think, \u003cem>I'll totally buy her album on iTunes, and I never pay for music anymore.\u003c/em> Nice try, Thirsty Girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza are walking home and hear bells coming from the mine. Did a canary die? Turns out no. But they found a crazy amount of copper though! Everyone laughs and hugs in slow motion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross is so happy that he finally tells Demelza that he loves her. Demelza tells him that she's pregnant. They have sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Thirsty Girl: \u003c/strong>This (dis)honor almost went to Backstabber Cousin because duh, but his dad just died, so I'll cut him some slack. If there's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women (like \u003cdel>Taylor Swift\u003c/del> Madeleine Albright said), Thirsty Girl certainly lives there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>The Prostitute\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Anyone who has to sleep with an insufferable bore like Backstabber Cousin that much deserves some kind of award.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Found The Copper: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Now maybe we won't have to hear about the mine every other minute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Kudos on the runway walk and the song. A star is born!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Verity\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Between her \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em> moments and her consistent kindness, what's not to love? I hope she gets to have sex before she dies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Ross' ex and his new girl have to spend Christmas together. Someone dies. These two things may or may not be related.",
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"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover | KQED",
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"headline": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, everything that could have happened did. Pinky Ring gave birth, Uncle almost croaked, Backstabber Cousin boinked a prostitute, Demelza lost her V Card, Ross did chores nearly naked, oh yeah, and Ross and Demelza randomly got married and... you know what, it's just too much to list so go back and \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">read all about it\u003c/a>. I'll wait...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...Now that we're all caught up, I wonder what's in store for us this time around? Will Ross and Demelza go to Mykonos for their honeymoon, realize Cornwall and everyone in it sucks, and decide to just stay? Will Pinky Ring find out about her boring husband sleeping with a prostitute and pull a Lorena Bobbitt? Will Verity join the old lady with the tarot cards' coven and start punishing some of these a-holes? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza sings and skips in a field. Wouldn't you if you landed a hottie like that for a husband?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are back at home, talking smack about her. They really hope this is like Britney Spears' 55-hour Vegas marriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross watches Demelza cook. So she still has to be the maid, even though they're married now? The power dynamics in this relationship are troubling. The look on Ross' face communicates that he agrees. It also communicates, \u003cem>Holy crap, what in the world was I thinking?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He gets over these thoughts though and enters the kitchen, startling Demelza, who's like \u003cem>Ahh, my boss! I mean... my husband? \u003c/em>He flips her around and makes out with her. Demelza is like,\u003cem> I don't have time for this. I have chores!\u003c/em> And he's like,\u003cem> Oh, I have a chore for you to do... \u003c/em>They laugh conspiratorially like horny monsters.\u003cem> \u003c/em>Before you know it, they're naked in bed. So this show is now basically \u003cem>Melrose Place\u003c/em> minus a couple of centuries and LA's warm weather. Got it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Backstabber Cousin's mine, he's breaking all the management training rules. He pushes one of his workers for asking to be paid. Wow. Class act. Ross turns up to remind him of the man he isn't, so Backstabber Cousin naturally goes into a man baby tantrum (his default setting). \u003cem>Waaah! Did my daddy send you to tell me I'm not good enough? Waaaah! Did my wife send you to tell me I'm a bad lay? Waaaah!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is like, \u003cem>Um, woah.\u003c/em> Before he can say anything else, Backstabber Cousin brags about how much he's \"gaming and whoring.\" \u003cem>Every man does it\u003c/em>, he says. Ross replies, \u003cem>Not me. Spoiler: I got married to a poor person.\u003c/em> Backstabber Cousin is scandalized and secretly so very glad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grinch-stole-christmas.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38260\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grinch-stole-christmas.gif\" alt=\"grinch stole christmas\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin says the obvious things he's supposed to say: \u003cem>But she's so poor! You'll be ruined! And you won't be invited to Christmas dinner! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' response is repetitive but to the point:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/Wy5HQfeQKao'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/Wy5HQfeQKao'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>We get a montage of everyone talking about how \"deranged\" this marriage is. Pinky Ring is in major denial and pretends to play the harp. Verity is eating it all up 'cause now everyone will forget the scandal that was that one single date she went on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even the village prostitute has something to say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> \"Is she beautiful?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...in a way.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38267\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"so rude kim kardashian gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Exsqueeze me?! How very dare you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I'll let it slide because it's directly followed by a quote that's way worse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy's Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Doors which were open will be slammed in his face. His ventures will fail. And you can enjoy the sight of him in the gutter, along with his slut.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can an anvil fall on this dude's head already?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen tell Demelza this whole thing is weird because she's still technically doing maid things. Demelza agrees and has a freshman-year-of-college-existential-crisis. Who am I?? No, \u003cem>what\u003c/em> am I? *takes a hit of some medicinal weed*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross gets bad news: the mine is not turning up any copper so he needs more funding to continue the digging or whatever. So he goes to meet with his rich donors and it isn't even a full 30 seconds before the village doctor says the following about people who don't have enough to eat: \"Those who cannot feed, should not breed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One more anvil please!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After taking Ross' rash behavior (his teenage misdemeanors, his freakout at Jim's trial, his marriage to a poor person) into consideration, some of the rich dudes decide not to give him any more money for the mine. Two dudes hand over some cash either because they're nice or they just felt too awkward to say no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross gets home, he gives Demelza a gift. It's a book. Um, who's gonna tell him she can't read? \"To practice your letters!\" I'm pretty sure handing an illiterate person a copy of\u003cem> Ulysses\u003c/em> and expecting them to be educated by the mere sight of all the weird squiggly shapes on the page isn't how that works. He also gives her ribbon to tie up her \"unruly mane.\" Ross is cute and all, but he's not really good at this whole not-making-a-woman-feel-like-total-crap thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and this exchange about their nascent marriage happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Nothing's changed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Nothing??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I do get less sleep.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38275\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\" alt=\"addams family eyebrow raise gif\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This next scene speaks for itself:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle is struggling to get on a horse to go see his mine.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Dr. Choke ordered bed rest!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Dr. Choke doesn't have a failing mind or a son whose neither use nor ornament!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Touched by your faith, father.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Not sufficiently touched to act like a man!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle's roast is interrupted by another heart attack.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If one must die, one might as well go down talking sh*t about Backstabber Cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross has a bit of a problem. You see, Demelza still acts like a poor person because marrying someone doesn't instantly change everything about you (imagine that!). She goes to the mine and says something about sticking a fork in her eye (soooo unladylike!) and she wrestles Mr. Pigpen to the ground for eating one of her pies (soooo unbecoming!). But Ross has a solution because he always does. I bet it involves hiring someone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And there it is! He decides to hire recently incarcerated Jim's baby mama a.k.a. Child Bride to be Demelza's lady's maid. Having someone to look down on and order around should have her acting like an entitled rich person in no time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross heads over to hang out with his dying uncle. When he gets there, the doctor is bloodletting Uncle. Umm, I was an English major, but I'm pretty sure that's not the right thing to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle, Verity and Ross talk about Ross' new marriage. Verity, down chick that she is, is thrilled for all the right reasons and congratulates Ross warmly. And then this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Francis especially was quick to see the advantage...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Father!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Of what?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"A wife to divert you. He feels it marginally less likely that you'll ride over and steal Pinky Ring from him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>: \"Father, compose yourself!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OHHHHH MY HEART!!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle has yet another heart attack.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his death bed, Uncle tells Ross: \"We both know Backstabber Cousin is not the man you are.\" Damn. The only person who dislikes Backstabber Cousin more than me is his own father.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the funeral, Backstabber Cousin basically hocks a loogie on his father's fresh grave:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"He'll be missed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Not by me. Is it terrible to feel nothing but relief?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, yeah, I'd say so. At this rate, Backstabber Cousin is going to turn into the monster from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/08/can-disagreeing-over-stranger-things-lead-to-divorce-probably/\">\u003cem>Stranger Things\u003c/em>\u003c/a> by the end of the season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/monster-meme-stranger-things-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38369\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/monster-meme-stranger-things-gif.gif\" alt=\"monster meme stranger things gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"331\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the funeral reception, the old lady with the tarot cards says Uncle probably died because he ate too much custard. Considering that the \"doctor\" was casually bloodletting, I'll take her medical opinion over his.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Malfoy and his uncle do what they do best: say super rude things loud enough for everyone to hear. Malfoy, who's supposed to be Backstabber Cousin's BFF, even name drops the prostitute they both have been sharing. Why do these two keep getting invites? Block them! Unfollow! Good day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Pinky Ring does what she does best: feeling sorry for herself, while looking out a window. Verity interrupts her moping to say one of them has to go downstairs and play the hostess and it probably should be Pinky Ring because she's the mistress of the house and Verity is blacklisted as a harlot for going on one innocent date with a man who kind of sort of murdered his wife.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It soon becomes clear that all Pinky Ring's moping isn't about the person who just died at all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"She didn't come. His wife...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"This isn't the occasion.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"Will you give him my good wishes?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Shouldn't you do that yourself?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity keeps it so real. She is the patron saint of \"Girl, really?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/latrice-girl-really-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38370\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/latrice-girl-really-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"latrice girl really gif drag race\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin continues to be evil.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You must be relieved.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"How?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You're not the only one to disgrace the family with an unsuitable attachment.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hit 'em with another one, Verity:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/girl-really-jujubee-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38377\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/girl-really-jujubee-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"girl really jujubee gif drag race\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy continues the tradition of being the mosquito that won't stop buzzing in your ear while you're sleeping. Ross is unbothered and basically says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/harry-potter-who-are-you-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38378\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/harry-potter-who-are-you-gif.gif\" alt=\"harry potter who are you gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"204\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy gets even by cornering the disgraced doctor and buying his shares in Ross' mine from him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some days later, Ross has a surprise for Demelza: Verity is coming over for a slumber party! Demelza immediately has an anxiety attack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All three of them sit for lunch and Verity catches them up on what's been going on at her house: Pinky Ring has been playing the harp (zzz), Pinky Ring has been speaking French to the baby (zzzzz), Verity has her needlework (zzzzzzzz) and old lady with the tarot cards, whose name is apparently Agatha, has her spinning (zzzzzzzzzzzz). While these fancy 18th century ladies have been bored out of their minds, Backstabber Cousin has been \"often away.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/darla-can-crush-gif-little-rascals.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38385\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/darla-can-crush-gif-little-rascals.gif\" alt=\"darla can crush gif little rascals\" width=\"390\" height=\"219\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross decides to go to work because the idea of forcing Verity and Demelza to make awkward cross-class small talk is hilarious. Verity is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/dont-leave-me-here-orange-is-the-new-black-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38386\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/dont-leave-me-here-orange-is-the-new-black-gif.gif\" alt=\"don't leave me here orange is the new black gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, they can't find copper and are running out of money. Sounds like it's time for Ross to take my earlier advice of turning the mine into a spot where hipsters can buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He could make a fortune!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza and Verity are needlepointing in awkward silence. Demelza wonders what a fancy lady would do and thinks,\u003cem> I know! I'll ring the maid bell! I'll ask for tea! Fancy ladies love super hot beverages you spend 25 minutes blowing on and only 1 minute actually enjoying! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Faux pas alert: it's way too early for tea! Oops!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After what seems like an eternity, the girls get to the real talk. Demelza is like, \u003cem>You think I'm trash, right?\u003c/em> And Verity is like, \u003cem>No, you are perfect for Ross. You're like his Rachel, you know? Oh, of course you don't know, that TV couple won't be imagined for some time. Anyway, you seem cool.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like at most slumber parties, talk turns to love and boys. Demelza doesn't believe Ross will ever truly love her but:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"When we're abed, I have reason to believe I please him.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38388\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"verity shocked poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-400x221.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-768x424.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-1440x794.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-1180x651.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-960x530.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM.png 1675w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity is to a gospel hymn as Demelza is to Salt n Pepa's \"Let's Talk About Sex.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But she's not judgmental 'cause she's a down chick with a heart of gold. \"Do you think I care a jot where you come from or who your father is or how well you curtsey?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity then teaches Demelza how to curtsey, dance, and set a table. It's basically a mash-up of the first parts of \u003cem>My Fair Lady\u003c/em> and \u003cem>The Princess Diaries. \u003c/em>Cute overload.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38389\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\" alt=\"lauren conrad aww gif\" width=\"357\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also, despite the limits of time and space, Beyonce's impact is still felt in 18th century Cornwall:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>That night, Demelza asks if they can get Verity and the captain back together. Ross says no, strips naked and enjoys some kinky newlywed sex. That's certainly one way to answer a simple question.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Verity is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/get-in-loser-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38390\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/get-in-loser-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"get in loser mean girls gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"337\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They go to Mood Fabrics to pick out material for a hot new dress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On their way home, Verity asks, \u003cem>Dude, what's wrong. You suffering from buyers remorse or something?\u003c/em> Demelza says, \u003cem>God no, nothing like that! I just won't get to wear the dress for much longer 'cause I'm super duper pregnant! \u003c/em>Verity is like,\u003cem> I'm combelling!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, everyone in the region is freaking out over something. Bells are ringing, people are running and shouting, some dude is waving branches in the air like a lunatic. Ross rushes home and tells Demelza to quickly jump on his horse. She chooses this moment to have a heart-to-heart about how she feels he's always disappointed in her. Ross is like, \u003cem>Girl, you are tripping, now get on.\u003c/em> She's like \u003cem>Good talk\u003c/em> and gets on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out all the commotion was about the fishermen coming back with tons and tons of seafood! No one will starve this winter! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, word on the street is that the bloodletting doctor is talking a lot of mess about Ross' marriage and trying to convince others to stop financing his mine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/michelle-full-house-haters-gonna-hate-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38397\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/michelle-full-house-haters-gonna-hate-gif.gif\" alt=\"michelle full house haters gonna hate gif\" width=\"473\" height=\"341\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time passes. Winter comes. Demelza throws up a lot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>An invitation to Christmas dinner from Backstabber Cousin comes in the mail. Demelza is like, \u003cem>HARD PASS!\u003c/em> But Ross RSVPs anyway because men know best.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When the time comes, Demelza enters Backstabber Cousin's house and feels French-peasants-storming-Versailles feelings. Pinky Ring appears and everyone is expecting this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_leazlv0T901qe4ty6o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38399\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_leazlv0T901qe4ty6o1_400.gif\" alt=\"gossip girl purse throw gif fight\" width=\"350\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But this happens instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_lli6dj08jC1qibbuw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38400\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_lli6dj08jC1qibbuw.gif\" alt=\"gossip girl excited hug gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Solidarity, sister!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But things take a turn for the awkward when Tarot Card Agatha asks Demelza a bunch of questions that only rich people know the answer to. She's not doing it to be mean; she's just kind of senile, which explains why she says this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Go and sit by Pinky Ring so I can see how you measure up.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha decides, \u003cem>Ehhh, B minus.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin bullies Pinky Ring for no reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You think I don't know what you're about. Taking her under your wing, making her your friend. Oh, Ross, see how kind and generous I am? Look at what a pearl you've lost!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"You're being ridiculous.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin: \"\u003c/strong>Am I?!?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, so did a demonic spirit take over Backstabber Cousin's body or something? He was low-key deplorable in the beginning of the series, but this is some Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-off-a-cliff kind of evil.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different bedroom, a package arrives for Demelza. It's the dress she ordered on her shopping trip with Verity! I really hope there are harem pants in that box.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Ross hangs out with Pinky Ring like they didn't used to think they were soul mates. Pinky Ring complains about how Backstabber Cousin is gambling away all their money and having lots of sex that doesn't involve her. Ross is in the middle of being scandalized when Backstabber Cousin walks in and is like, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Whatcha talking about? Derp derp derp.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Demelza is having another anxiety attack. What if she morning-sicknesses all over her new dress at dinner?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, there's a knock on the door. Uninvited guests on Christmas, how very gauche! It's Malfoy, his uncle, that thirsty girl who is still upset that Ross didn't want to dance with her that one time, and some random. Oh, goodie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for dinner. Everyone is about to sit down when a shadow at the door appears. Decked out in her brand new dress, Demelza walks into the dining room like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38402\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\" alt=\"violet chacki drag race dress gif\" width=\"375\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone thinks, \u003cem>Slay, queen, slay!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dinner is served and the thirsty girl doesn't waste any time throwing digs Demelza's way. She brings up what a scandal the marriage was, how maids are always getting ideas of rising above their station, how any unwed woman above 23 should just kill herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity, who is 25, dies a little inside. I wish Verity would stand up, splash wine in this girl's face and say, \"'Tis my Christmas wish for you to get the F out of my house. Now scram!\" But this is 18th century England so she doesn't say anything. :-*(\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Pinky Ring plays the harp while everyone tries to stay awake. When she's done, Thirsty Girl grabs Demelza and tries to force her to play a lick on the harp too. Surely her governess taught her, right? Grrrrr.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross mentions that Demelza can sing and forces her to audition for \u003cem>The Voice\u003c/em> with no warning. She thinks, \u003cem>Oh, what the hell\u003c/em> and lets a folk song rip. She is the Tori Amos of her time and everyone is spell-bound, even the haters. They all think, \u003cem>I'll totally buy her album on iTunes, and I never pay for music anymore.\u003c/em> Nice try, Thirsty Girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza are walking home and hear bells coming from the mine. Did a canary die? Turns out no. But they found a crazy amount of copper though! Everyone laughs and hugs in slow motion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross is so happy that he finally tells Demelza that he loves her. Demelza tells him that she's pregnant. They have sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Thirsty Girl: \u003c/strong>This (dis)honor almost went to Backstabber Cousin because duh, but his dad just died, so I'll cut him some slack. If there's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women (like \u003cdel>Taylor Swift\u003c/del> Madeleine Albright said), Thirsty Girl certainly lives there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>The Prostitute\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Anyone who has to sleep with an insufferable bore like Backstabber Cousin that much deserves some kind of award.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Found The Copper: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Now maybe we won't have to hear about the mine every other minute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Kudos on the runway walk and the song. A star is born!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Verity\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Between her \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em> moments and her consistent kindness, what's not to love? I hope she gets to have sex before she dies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, fragile masculinity led to several guns going off, but who cares about all that 'cause Ross went skinny dipping! Will Ross realize that, instead of reopening the mine, he could make more money by converting it into a spot for hipsters to buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices? Will Verity end up joining the village prostitute's #squad, since everyone already thinks she's a woman of the night? Will Pinky Ring's baby end up looking like Ross because that's how penetrating his gaze is? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's opening day for Ross' mine and the whole town shows up for a hootenanny (actually, there's no music; I just really wanted to use the word hootenanny). Ross has hired everyone within a 15 mile radius because, like I said last episode, he really gets off on job creation. Ross does not use a huge pair of scissors to cut a red ribbon, which is a missed opportunity, if you ask me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some old dudes watch Demelza pour Ross some wine from the sidelines and wonder if the rumors of them getting it on are true. Both agree Ross would be a fool if they weren't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a hill, Ross' uncle and wimpy cousin try to decide if they're still mad at Ross. Uncle decides nah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"He saved your life! Time for you to demonstrate it wasn't wasted.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36622\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\" alt=\"preach gif\" width=\"260\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But wait. It appears as though I was a bit too hasty with the Encouraging Preach Hand™. Uncle didn't mean that Backstabber Cousin should help Ross. He instead wants him to make sure Ross' mine doesn't do better than theirs. They ride off without attending the hootenanny because why stop being a-holes when they've been so good at it for two full episodes?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring is reading a book because there wasn't really much else for a woman to do in those days. She suffers a pain in her pregnant belly. As someone who is still not over Sybil's death from preeclampsia on \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, this is very triggering for me. #HaremPantsForever\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza breaks up a physical fight between the Pigpens because they've been drinking rum. Mrs. Pigpen fakes a sprained wrist so Demelza will have to do all the chores. If Verity ever finds that matriarchal society, I hope she invites Demelza to come with.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, there is concern over some boy named Jim. You see, he's been poaching, which is illegal, and he also found time to knock someone up. Ross is so good at helping people by this point that he hires both the boy and his baby mama to fix up an old shed that they will then live in, then arranges for Jim to ask this girl's father for her hand and plans their wedding, all within the span of two minutes. You have as many hours in a day as Beyonce... and Ross Poldark. Do something with your life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Demelza is nervous about her first foray into cooking. She serves Ross some sort of savory pie that she glazed and everything. Ross takes his time masticating and making the this-sponge-is-a-bit-too-moist face, just like that rude bald judge on \u003cem>The Great British Bake Off\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"So Mrs. Pigpen's recovery will take some time?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"About a month or so, sir.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Have it delayed as long as possible.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5e9d9e699c9de7a3fdf58a50cbe90fd17f4f97e8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-36648 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5e9d9e699c9de7a3fdf58a50cbe90fd17f4f97e8.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36649\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif 2\" width=\"499\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36650\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif 3\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Verity's Den of Sorrow, she's hanging out with Pinky Ring, needle-pointing (zzzz). I can't see what Verity is working on, but it's most likely fancy lettering spelling out: \u003cem>I'm going to die a virgin. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring is like \u003cem>I wish you would get over your almost husband. Being super dramatic about boys is kind of my thing.\u003c/em> Verity considers decking her, but right then Pinky Ring has another weird pregnancy pain so the brawl must wait.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Jim's wedding is already happening (I told you Ross works quickly). Everyone's having such a good time that no one pauses long enough to be like, \u003cem>Ew, Jim married a literal child.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36657\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-800x439.png\" alt=\"poldark wedding\" width=\"800\" height=\"439\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-800x439.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-400x219.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-768x421.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-1440x790.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-1180x647.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-960x526.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SHE'S THE TINY, SAD, PREGNANT ONE IN BLUE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, a priest is lecturing Ross about how he should give up his fornicating ways for a proper marriage. Ross is probably thinking, \u003cem>Someone just married a 10 year old and you're worried about me having sex with consenting adult women?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross ditches Mr. Holier Than Thou and watches Demelza and other poor people do the 18th century version of twerking. It looks fun so he joins in and looks at Demelza in a way that suggest they'll be fornicating pre-marriage very, very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Pinky Ring primly pushes a human being out of her body. It's a boy so everyone is pleased.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"The line continues! Well done, my boy.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, thank Pinky Ring. She did the work.\" (OMG, is Backstabber Cousin a feminist?!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doctor:\u003c/strong> \"Ah, women.\" (Nothing good can follow this phrase). \"They make a song and dance about it, but if things are properly managed...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nnieusKZWj1tsuskao2_1280.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36665\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nnieusKZWj1tsuskao2_1280.jpg\" alt=\"beyonce mad\" width=\"592\" height=\"334\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone hold me back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Ross finds a letter announcing the arrival of his ex's baby. He secretly wishes he had let Backstabber Cousin bleed out after that duel in his backyard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, there's a fancy let's-all-get-drunk-and-touch-the-new-baby-with-our-germy-hands cocktail hour. Ross shows up, ready to put a hex on the rugrat à la Maleficent. Everyone gawks and imagines how much cuter the baby would have been with Ross' genetics. Such a shame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy pops up with his miserable uncle to say rude things about poor people and Ross' mine. Pinky Ring's mother slides in with her own classist BS. Ross deals with these people expertly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"chappelle show diss gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross walks over to Pinky Ring and Backstabber Cousin to get the whole pretending-to-be-happy-for-them thing over with. Backstabber Cousin, the least perceptive person on the planet, is like, \u003cem>HOLD THE BABY I MADE WITH YOUR EX! ISN'T THIS FUN?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring takes it a step further and tells Ross she wishes he could be the child's godfather instead of Malfoy. I wish Demelza was here so she could serve up another one of her \"Girl, are you serious?\" looks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy whisper some sweet nothing into Backstabber Cousin's ear and B.C. goes from unaware dope to jealous homicidal psycho in less than 2 seconds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37159\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-800x443.png\" alt=\"francis poldark psycho\" width=\"800\" height=\"443\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-800x443.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-400x222.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-768x425.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1440x798.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1180x654.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-960x532.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Stare at him staring, while listening to this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOy6hqzfsAs\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But who is he kidding? If he couldn't kill a random middle-aged captain, there's no way he's taking down Ross Adonis Poldark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle gives a speech all about how this new baby named after him proves that his lineage is thriving and will continue forevermore... and then has a heart attack. The old lady with the tarot cards doesn't even need to bring them out to say this isn't a great omen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As that harlot Verity selflessly tends to her father, Backstabber Cousin just stands there, still doing that staring like a murderous maniac thing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37161\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-800x442.png\" alt=\"francis poldark sucks\" width=\"800\" height=\"442\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-800x442.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-400x221.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-768x424.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-1440x795.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-1180x652.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-960x530.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM.png 1675w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOy6hqzfsAs\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way home, Ross overhears the thirsty girl from the ball, her mother, and Pinky Ring's mother all gossiping about how he's probably sleeping with the help. When he storms past them, thirsty girl's mom yells after him: \"Ross Poldark is no gentleman!\" This is not the way you treat a war hero! This is also not the way you persuade a war hero to marry your rude daughter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Pinky Ring puts her cursed baby to bed and is about to enjoy some precious me time, when Backstabber Cousin comes in and insists on dry-humping her. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>Dude, I literally just had a baby, can we not?\u003c/em>, which evokes a man child tantrum about how he's sure she wishes their baby belonged to Ross. Okay, I can get down with a glacier-paced love triangle (see: my high school obsession with the WB show \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/felicity/\">\u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em>\u003c/a>), but this is getting out-of-hand and frankly boring. I hope \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> has more to offer than this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin storms out of the bedroom and finds another woman to bully, this time it's Hester Prynne! Uh, I mean Verity. He accuses her of trying to eavesdrop at his keyhole, taking Ross' side and knowing diddly squat about how marriage is actually \"misery.\" In essence, he tells her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37767\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tenor.gif\" alt=\"you're a virgin who can't drive clueless tai gif\" width=\"496\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity rightly thinks that's way harsh, especially 'cause he's the reason she has yet to find out how miserable marriage is. She looks at the sea captain's painted portrait hidden in a locket. He's still creepy looking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Jim's child bride complains to Demelza about how her husband is still poaching and gonna get himself locked up. And she can't count on supporting herself with a check from MTV's \u003cem>Teen Mom\u003c/em> because the channel and the show haven't been invented yet!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Uncle tells Backstabber Cousin he needs to start working. Backstabber Cousin is like, \u003cem>Work? Me? But I don't know how to do anything! \u003c/em>Uncle insists so Backstabber Cousin heads to his mine and tries making small chat with the workers... while seated on his horse, wearing a top hat. The poor people spend their day's allowance of side eye on him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross gives Demelza a stellar employee review. She always anticipates his needs and works the fields like no one else. Demelza almost brings up that it's unfair that she makes 79 cents to Mr. Pigpen's dollar, but instead brings up Jim's poaching. Ross responds the only way he knows how: \u003cem>I'll hire him to do something else for me! That should solve it! \u003c/em>Suze Orman thinks it's a very bad idea to hire hundreds of people when you are already bankrupt, but alas, she won't be around to tell Ross that for another couple of centuries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Child Bride shows up to cry in Demelza's face. You see, Jim went poaching again and his stupid chronic cough got him caught.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs into a phone booth, twirls around a bunch and comes out Super(AdvocateForPoorFolk)Man! Off the caped crusader rides to convince the rich person whose pheasants Jim was trying to steal to drop the charges. But he's too late! Jim is already set for trial! And the rich dude hopes they hang him! Ross returns home to tell Demelza and says, \u003cem>Ugh, rich people are the worst!!!\u003c/em> Demelza responds, \u003cem>I know, right?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross goes to pick up Child Bride to attend the trial, but she's in labor because her life doesn't suck enough right now. Ross enters the court and asks a different rich dude if Jim's bad lungs might preclude a prison sentence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Rich dude:\u003c/strong> \"No good will come of being sentimental of such folk. They're a different breed! A different breed!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37954\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\" alt=\"how dare you mindy kaling gif\" width=\"160\" height=\"174\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Homeboy said it twice, in case the first time wasn't infuriating enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross takes the stand to combine his good looks with a rendition of Jim's sob story in order to emancipate good ol' Jim. The old bewigged dudes are not buying any of it. He's too sick to go to prison, but he's not too sick to run around stealing pheasants and knocking up tweens? This is not going well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And things aren't going that much better in a field near chez Ross. Demelza's dad and his black teeth are back again. This time, he's wearing a nice suit because he got married and started believing in god! Unlike Jesus, he's not very understanding or compassionate and goes right into accusing Demelza of giving into the Temptation of the Flesh (Ross' flesh, that is) and being touched by the Devil. Demelza defends herself with a statement that could easily be taken the wrong way: \"He's my master and I'm his servant!\" #50Shades, anyone? Demelza's dad says he'll be back tomorrow to fetch her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at court, the judges announce they've decided to take Ross' testimony and cute face into account. They will grant young Jim some leniency. Before Ross has the chance to flip his hair in triumph, the judges proclaim: TWO YEARS IMPRISONMENT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/large-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37891\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/large-1.gif\" alt=\"phoebe friends shock gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jim immediately starts coughing. You couldn't have done a little more of that during deliberation? It's too late now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross sees red and decides to go all the way off. His rant is basically this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=af7Jctuqhcg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross heads to the pub to get alcohol poisoning. It isn't long before the prostitute shows up, but Ross declines this time. On his way out, he sees her mounting someone else... IT'S BACKSTABBER COUSIN!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37892\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"mr bean shocked gif\" width=\"435\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> Poldark, you say?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> Not \u003cem>a\u003c/em> Poldark. \u003cem>THE\u003c/em> Poldark!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> What other Poldark is there?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> *aroused, erotic sigh*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin is totally the guy who gently weeps, while having sex. He's also the type of guy who ends up dying mid coitus. We can only hope...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the ranch, Demelza is bummed she has to leave Ross and all his cool things. She says goodbye to each one and then pauses when she finds a beautiful gown hidden in a chest. She tries it on because how else is Ross going to find her in it and freak out?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right on schedule, Ross comes home and starts screaming for Demelza. His back is turned so maybe she can get away with serving him without being spotted? Ross rants about poor imprisoned Jim and the terrible state of the justice system, while Demelza tries to tiptoe out. But of course he sees her at the last moment. What ensues is essentially the \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em> scene in which the Beast freaks the F out on Belle for touching his stuff:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJZuQl5hT2U\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually he calms down enough to rub her face and kind of sort of apologize and... MAKE OUT WITH HER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers.gif\" alt=\"full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers\" width=\"447\" height=\"313\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza immediately blames herself because that's what the patriarchy has taught her to do and Ross yells at her to go to bed because that's what the patriarchy has taught him to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few minutes later, Demelza knocks on his bedroom door.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37901\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-3.gif\" alt=\"raw (3)\" width=\"498\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She asks him to unlace her corset.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37904\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5.gif\" alt=\"raw (5)\" width=\"244\" height=\"246\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5.gif 244w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 244px) 100vw, 244px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He does so while breathing very heavily on her neck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37906\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-4.gif\" alt=\"raw (4)\" width=\"498\" height=\"322\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He mentions how everyone gossips about them getting it on and how they would be proving those a-holes right. \"Then let it be true,\" she responds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37903\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-6.gif\" alt=\"raw (6)\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they proceed to have crazy sex all night long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/officehappygasp.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/officehappygasp.gif\" alt=\"officehappygasp\" width=\"320\" height=\"175\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> is out-doing \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> with all these twists and turns! Even super boring plot points like whether to merge hospitals or whatever took \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> seven entire episodes to settle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Demelza creeps out of bed and we get a lingering shot of Ross without his shirt on because the producers care about straight women and gay men demographics.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, it's revealed that Backstabber Cousin did not come home last night. Oooooohhh boy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross grumpily uses a scythe without his shirt on. The infamous scene that set Twitter alight and got people interested in the show in the first place! It's finally happening! And, again, because the producers know who's watching, they revel in the moment by utilizing slow motion. Wow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is hiding in the field nearby, watching his sweat-glistened body work the field, smiles to herself and thinks, \u003cem>I tapped that.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because every party has a pooper, Pinky Ring approaches in the distance. UGH. CAN WE NOT?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross puts on his shirt and returns home to see what she wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5166520_15-reasons-why-poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37916\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5166520_15-reasons-why-poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b.gif\" alt=\"5166520_15-reasons-why--poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b\" width=\"736\" height=\"432\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out she wants what she always wants: to complain about her marriage. You made your choice, girl. Now scram so Ross can get back to the fields!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza accidentally barges in and is crushed. She offers Pinky Ring flowers because what else do you do in this kind of awkward situation? Pinky Ring doesn't want them. \"They're fading already. Corn flowers are like that.\" This is 18th century speak for \"You're basic.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring finally decides to go home (yayyy!) and Ross sees her out. Crushed, Demelza runs off with her cute, shy puppy. Ross chases her down and asks why she's running off. He's nice to look at, but not the sharpest tool in the shed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza explains that, after last night, she can no longer be his servant. Ross agrees.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to a chapel. AND WTF OMG THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37905\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o50z3p6L051rict0a_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_o50z3p6L051rict0a_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene! Drop mic! What just happened?! Ahh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> I'm going to leave this section word-for-word from last week because it all still applies:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>His fragile masculinity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He's never had a job and doesn't know how to do anything\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He is not smart and so easily manipulated by Malfoy\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He gets physical with a woman because he's really mad that another man got physical with a woman\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He didn't die\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Etc.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>Thanks for the shirtless chores, but go easy on the blind rages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>The Prostitute: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>She's an entrepreneur with good business acumen. Get them coins, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Verity: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>It's good of her to keep taking care of her a-hole dad who ruined her chance at marriage just last episode. Hang in there. It gets better... in a couple of centuries... kinda.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Demelza: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>She managed to lose her virginity to Ross and marry him over the course of two days. Props.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Someone is born, someone almost dies, someone gets married, someone gets laid and someone does his chores shirtless.",
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"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, fragile masculinity led to several guns going off, but who cares about all that 'cause Ross went skinny dipping! Will Ross realize that, instead of reopening the mine, he could make more money by converting it into a spot for hipsters to buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices? Will Verity end up joining the village prostitute's #squad, since everyone already thinks she's a woman of the night? Will Pinky Ring's baby end up looking like Ross because that's how penetrating his gaze is? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's opening day for Ross' mine and the whole town shows up for a hootenanny (actually, there's no music; I just really wanted to use the word hootenanny). Ross has hired everyone within a 15 mile radius because, like I said last episode, he really gets off on job creation. Ross does not use a huge pair of scissors to cut a red ribbon, which is a missed opportunity, if you ask me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some old dudes watch Demelza pour Ross some wine from the sidelines and wonder if the rumors of them getting it on are true. Both agree Ross would be a fool if they weren't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a hill, Ross' uncle and wimpy cousin try to decide if they're still mad at Ross. Uncle decides nah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"He saved your life! Time for you to demonstrate it wasn't wasted.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36622\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\" alt=\"preach gif\" width=\"260\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But wait. It appears as though I was a bit too hasty with the Encouraging Preach Hand™. Uncle didn't mean that Backstabber Cousin should help Ross. He instead wants him to make sure Ross' mine doesn't do better than theirs. They ride off without attending the hootenanny because why stop being a-holes when they've been so good at it for two full episodes?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring is reading a book because there wasn't really much else for a woman to do in those days. She suffers a pain in her pregnant belly. As someone who is still not over Sybil's death from preeclampsia on \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, this is very triggering for me. #HaremPantsForever\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza breaks up a physical fight between the Pigpens because they've been drinking rum. Mrs. Pigpen fakes a sprained wrist so Demelza will have to do all the chores. If Verity ever finds that matriarchal society, I hope she invites Demelza to come with.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, there is concern over some boy named Jim. You see, he's been poaching, which is illegal, and he also found time to knock someone up. Ross is so good at helping people by this point that he hires both the boy and his baby mama to fix up an old shed that they will then live in, then arranges for Jim to ask this girl's father for her hand and plans their wedding, all within the span of two minutes. You have as many hours in a day as Beyonce... and Ross Poldark. Do something with your life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Demelza is nervous about her first foray into cooking. She serves Ross some sort of savory pie that she glazed and everything. Ross takes his time masticating and making the this-sponge-is-a-bit-too-moist face, just like that rude bald judge on \u003cem>The Great British Bake Off\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"So Mrs. Pigpen's recovery will take some time?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"About a month or so, sir.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Have it delayed as long as possible.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5e9d9e699c9de7a3fdf58a50cbe90fd17f4f97e8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-36648 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5e9d9e699c9de7a3fdf58a50cbe90fd17f4f97e8.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36649\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif 2\" width=\"499\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36650\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif 3\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Verity's Den of Sorrow, she's hanging out with Pinky Ring, needle-pointing (zzzz). I can't see what Verity is working on, but it's most likely fancy lettering spelling out: \u003cem>I'm going to die a virgin. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring is like \u003cem>I wish you would get over your almost husband. Being super dramatic about boys is kind of my thing.\u003c/em> Verity considers decking her, but right then Pinky Ring has another weird pregnancy pain so the brawl must wait.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Jim's wedding is already happening (I told you Ross works quickly). Everyone's having such a good time that no one pauses long enough to be like, \u003cem>Ew, Jim married a literal child.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36657\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-800x439.png\" alt=\"poldark wedding\" width=\"800\" height=\"439\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-800x439.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-400x219.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-768x421.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-1440x790.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-1180x647.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-960x526.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SHE'S THE TINY, SAD, PREGNANT ONE IN BLUE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, a priest is lecturing Ross about how he should give up his fornicating ways for a proper marriage. Ross is probably thinking, \u003cem>Someone just married a 10 year old and you're worried about me having sex with consenting adult women?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross ditches Mr. Holier Than Thou and watches Demelza and other poor people do the 18th century version of twerking. It looks fun so he joins in and looks at Demelza in a way that suggest they'll be fornicating pre-marriage very, very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Pinky Ring primly pushes a human being out of her body. It's a boy so everyone is pleased.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"The line continues! Well done, my boy.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, thank Pinky Ring. She did the work.\" (OMG, is Backstabber Cousin a feminist?!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doctor:\u003c/strong> \"Ah, women.\" (Nothing good can follow this phrase). \"They make a song and dance about it, but if things are properly managed...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nnieusKZWj1tsuskao2_1280.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36665\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nnieusKZWj1tsuskao2_1280.jpg\" alt=\"beyonce mad\" width=\"592\" height=\"334\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone hold me back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Ross finds a letter announcing the arrival of his ex's baby. He secretly wishes he had let Backstabber Cousin bleed out after that duel in his backyard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, there's a fancy let's-all-get-drunk-and-touch-the-new-baby-with-our-germy-hands cocktail hour. Ross shows up, ready to put a hex on the rugrat à la Maleficent. Everyone gawks and imagines how much cuter the baby would have been with Ross' genetics. Such a shame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy pops up with his miserable uncle to say rude things about poor people and Ross' mine. Pinky Ring's mother slides in with her own classist BS. Ross deals with these people expertly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"chappelle show diss gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross walks over to Pinky Ring and Backstabber Cousin to get the whole pretending-to-be-happy-for-them thing over with. Backstabber Cousin, the least perceptive person on the planet, is like, \u003cem>HOLD THE BABY I MADE WITH YOUR EX! ISN'T THIS FUN?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring takes it a step further and tells Ross she wishes he could be the child's godfather instead of Malfoy. I wish Demelza was here so she could serve up another one of her \"Girl, are you serious?\" looks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy whisper some sweet nothing into Backstabber Cousin's ear and B.C. goes from unaware dope to jealous homicidal psycho in less than 2 seconds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37159\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-800x443.png\" alt=\"francis poldark psycho\" width=\"800\" height=\"443\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-800x443.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-400x222.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-768x425.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1440x798.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1180x654.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-960x532.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Stare at him staring, while listening to this:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>But who is he kidding? If he couldn't kill a random middle-aged captain, there's no way he's taking down Ross Adonis Poldark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle gives a speech all about how this new baby named after him proves that his lineage is thriving and will continue forevermore... and then has a heart attack. The old lady with the tarot cards doesn't even need to bring them out to say this isn't a great omen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As that harlot Verity selflessly tends to her father, Backstabber Cousin just stands there, still doing that staring like a murderous maniac thing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37161\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-800x442.png\" alt=\"francis poldark sucks\" width=\"800\" height=\"442\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-800x442.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-400x221.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-768x424.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-1440x795.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-1180x652.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-960x530.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM.png 1675w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>On his way home, Ross overhears the thirsty girl from the ball, her mother, and Pinky Ring's mother all gossiping about how he's probably sleeping with the help. When he storms past them, thirsty girl's mom yells after him: \"Ross Poldark is no gentleman!\" This is not the way you treat a war hero! This is also not the way you persuade a war hero to marry your rude daughter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Pinky Ring puts her cursed baby to bed and is about to enjoy some precious me time, when Backstabber Cousin comes in and insists on dry-humping her. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>Dude, I literally just had a baby, can we not?\u003c/em>, which evokes a man child tantrum about how he's sure she wishes their baby belonged to Ross. Okay, I can get down with a glacier-paced love triangle (see: my high school obsession with the WB show \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/felicity/\">\u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em>\u003c/a>), but this is getting out-of-hand and frankly boring. I hope \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> has more to offer than this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin storms out of the bedroom and finds another woman to bully, this time it's Hester Prynne! Uh, I mean Verity. He accuses her of trying to eavesdrop at his keyhole, taking Ross' side and knowing diddly squat about how marriage is actually \"misery.\" In essence, he tells her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37767\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tenor.gif\" alt=\"you're a virgin who can't drive clueless tai gif\" width=\"496\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity rightly thinks that's way harsh, especially 'cause he's the reason she has yet to find out how miserable marriage is. She looks at the sea captain's painted portrait hidden in a locket. He's still creepy looking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Jim's child bride complains to Demelza about how her husband is still poaching and gonna get himself locked up. And she can't count on supporting herself with a check from MTV's \u003cem>Teen Mom\u003c/em> because the channel and the show haven't been invented yet!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Uncle tells Backstabber Cousin he needs to start working. Backstabber Cousin is like, \u003cem>Work? Me? But I don't know how to do anything! \u003c/em>Uncle insists so Backstabber Cousin heads to his mine and tries making small chat with the workers... while seated on his horse, wearing a top hat. The poor people spend their day's allowance of side eye on him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross gives Demelza a stellar employee review. She always anticipates his needs and works the fields like no one else. Demelza almost brings up that it's unfair that she makes 79 cents to Mr. Pigpen's dollar, but instead brings up Jim's poaching. Ross responds the only way he knows how: \u003cem>I'll hire him to do something else for me! That should solve it! \u003c/em>Suze Orman thinks it's a very bad idea to hire hundreds of people when you are already bankrupt, but alas, she won't be around to tell Ross that for another couple of centuries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Child Bride shows up to cry in Demelza's face. You see, Jim went poaching again and his stupid chronic cough got him caught.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs into a phone booth, twirls around a bunch and comes out Super(AdvocateForPoorFolk)Man! Off the caped crusader rides to convince the rich person whose pheasants Jim was trying to steal to drop the charges. But he's too late! Jim is already set for trial! And the rich dude hopes they hang him! Ross returns home to tell Demelza and says, \u003cem>Ugh, rich people are the worst!!!\u003c/em> Demelza responds, \u003cem>I know, right?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross goes to pick up Child Bride to attend the trial, but she's in labor because her life doesn't suck enough right now. Ross enters the court and asks a different rich dude if Jim's bad lungs might preclude a prison sentence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Rich dude:\u003c/strong> \"No good will come of being sentimental of such folk. They're a different breed! A different breed!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37954\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\" alt=\"how dare you mindy kaling gif\" width=\"160\" height=\"174\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Homeboy said it twice, in case the first time wasn't infuriating enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross takes the stand to combine his good looks with a rendition of Jim's sob story in order to emancipate good ol' Jim. The old bewigged dudes are not buying any of it. He's too sick to go to prison, but he's not too sick to run around stealing pheasants and knocking up tweens? This is not going well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And things aren't going that much better in a field near chez Ross. Demelza's dad and his black teeth are back again. This time, he's wearing a nice suit because he got married and started believing in god! Unlike Jesus, he's not very understanding or compassionate and goes right into accusing Demelza of giving into the Temptation of the Flesh (Ross' flesh, that is) and being touched by the Devil. Demelza defends herself with a statement that could easily be taken the wrong way: \"He's my master and I'm his servant!\" #50Shades, anyone? Demelza's dad says he'll be back tomorrow to fetch her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at court, the judges announce they've decided to take Ross' testimony and cute face into account. They will grant young Jim some leniency. Before Ross has the chance to flip his hair in triumph, the judges proclaim: TWO YEARS IMPRISONMENT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/large-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37891\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/large-1.gif\" alt=\"phoebe friends shock gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jim immediately starts coughing. You couldn't have done a little more of that during deliberation? It's too late now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross sees red and decides to go all the way off. His rant is basically this:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/af7Jctuqhcg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/af7Jctuqhcg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Ross heads to the pub to get alcohol poisoning. It isn't long before the prostitute shows up, but Ross declines this time. On his way out, he sees her mounting someone else... IT'S BACKSTABBER COUSIN!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37892\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"mr bean shocked gif\" width=\"435\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> Poldark, you say?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> Not \u003cem>a\u003c/em> Poldark. \u003cem>THE\u003c/em> Poldark!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> What other Poldark is there?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> *aroused, erotic sigh*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin is totally the guy who gently weeps, while having sex. He's also the type of guy who ends up dying mid coitus. We can only hope...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the ranch, Demelza is bummed she has to leave Ross and all his cool things. She says goodbye to each one and then pauses when she finds a beautiful gown hidden in a chest. She tries it on because how else is Ross going to find her in it and freak out?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right on schedule, Ross comes home and starts screaming for Demelza. His back is turned so maybe she can get away with serving him without being spotted? Ross rants about poor imprisoned Jim and the terrible state of the justice system, while Demelza tries to tiptoe out. But of course he sees her at the last moment. What ensues is essentially the \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em> scene in which the Beast freaks the F out on Belle for touching his stuff:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/hJZuQl5hT2U'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/hJZuQl5hT2U'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Eventually he calms down enough to rub her face and kind of sort of apologize and... MAKE OUT WITH HER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers.gif\" alt=\"full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers\" width=\"447\" height=\"313\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza immediately blames herself because that's what the patriarchy has taught her to do and Ross yells at her to go to bed because that's what the patriarchy has taught him to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few minutes later, Demelza knocks on his bedroom door.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37901\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-3.gif\" alt=\"raw (3)\" width=\"498\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She asks him to unlace her corset.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37904\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5.gif\" alt=\"raw (5)\" width=\"244\" height=\"246\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5.gif 244w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 244px) 100vw, 244px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He does so while breathing very heavily on her neck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37906\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-4.gif\" alt=\"raw (4)\" width=\"498\" height=\"322\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He mentions how everyone gossips about them getting it on and how they would be proving those a-holes right. \"Then let it be true,\" she responds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37903\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-6.gif\" alt=\"raw (6)\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they proceed to have crazy sex all night long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/officehappygasp.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/officehappygasp.gif\" alt=\"officehappygasp\" width=\"320\" height=\"175\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> is out-doing \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> with all these twists and turns! Even super boring plot points like whether to merge hospitals or whatever took \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> seven entire episodes to settle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Demelza creeps out of bed and we get a lingering shot of Ross without his shirt on because the producers care about straight women and gay men demographics.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, it's revealed that Backstabber Cousin did not come home last night. Oooooohhh boy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross grumpily uses a scythe without his shirt on. The infamous scene that set Twitter alight and got people interested in the show in the first place! It's finally happening! And, again, because the producers know who's watching, they revel in the moment by utilizing slow motion. Wow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is hiding in the field nearby, watching his sweat-glistened body work the field, smiles to herself and thinks, \u003cem>I tapped that.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because every party has a pooper, Pinky Ring approaches in the distance. UGH. CAN WE NOT?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross puts on his shirt and returns home to see what she wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5166520_15-reasons-why-poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37916\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5166520_15-reasons-why-poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b.gif\" alt=\"5166520_15-reasons-why--poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b\" width=\"736\" height=\"432\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out she wants what she always wants: to complain about her marriage. You made your choice, girl. Now scram so Ross can get back to the fields!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza accidentally barges in and is crushed. She offers Pinky Ring flowers because what else do you do in this kind of awkward situation? Pinky Ring doesn't want them. \"They're fading already. Corn flowers are like that.\" This is 18th century speak for \"You're basic.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring finally decides to go home (yayyy!) and Ross sees her out. Crushed, Demelza runs off with her cute, shy puppy. Ross chases her down and asks why she's running off. He's nice to look at, but not the sharpest tool in the shed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza explains that, after last night, she can no longer be his servant. Ross agrees.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to a chapel. AND WTF OMG THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37905\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o50z3p6L051rict0a_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_o50z3p6L051rict0a_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene! Drop mic! What just happened?! Ahh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> I'm going to leave this section word-for-word from last week because it all still applies:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>His fragile masculinity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He's never had a job and doesn't know how to do anything\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He is not smart and so easily manipulated by Malfoy\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He gets physical with a woman because he's really mad that another man got physical with a woman\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He didn't die\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Etc.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>Thanks for the shirtless chores, but go easy on the blind rages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>The Prostitute: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>She's an entrepreneur with good business acumen. Get them coins, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Verity: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>It's good of her to keep taking care of her a-hole dad who ruined her chance at marriage just last episode. Hang in there. It gets better... in a couple of centuries... kinda.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Demelza: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>She managed to lose her virginity to Ross and marry him over the course of two days. Props.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"info": "\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em>, which listeners will hear in the first part of the hour, has fearless and much-needed conversations about race. Hosted by journalists of color, the show tackles the subject of race head-on, exploring how it impacts every part of society — from politics and pop culture to history, sports and more.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em>, which will be in the second part of the hour, guides you through spaces and feelings no one prepares you for — from finances to mental health, from workplace microaggressions to imposter syndrome, from relationships to parenting. The show features experts with real world experience and shares their knowledge. Because everyone needs a little help being human.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510312/codeswitch\">\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/lifekit\">\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />",
"airtime": "SUN 9pm-10pm",
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"meta": {
"site": "radio",
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"id": "commonwealth-club",
"title": "Commonwealth Club of California Podcast",
"info": "The Commonwealth Club of California is the nation's oldest and largest public affairs forum. As a non-partisan forum, The Club brings to the public airwaves diverse viewpoints on important topics. The Club's weekly radio broadcast - the oldest in the U.S., dating back to 1924 - is carried across the nation on public radio stations and is now podcasting. Our website archive features audio of our recent programs, as well as selected speeches from our long and distinguished history. This podcast feed is usually updated twice a week and is always un-edited.",
"airtime": "THU 10pm, FRI 1am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Commonwealth-Club-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.commonwealthclub.org/podcasts",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "Commonwealth Club of California"
},
"link": "/radio/program/commonwealth-club",
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"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cDovL3d3dy5jb21tb253ZWFsdGhjbHViLm9yZy9hdWRpby9wb2RjYXN0L3dlZWtseS54bWw",
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}
},
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"id": "forum",
"title": "Forum",
"tagline": "The conversation starts here",
"info": "KQED’s live call-in program discussing local, state, national and international issues, as well as in-depth interviews.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 9am-11am, 10pm-11pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Forum-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Forum with Mina Kim and Alexis Madrigal",
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"source": "kqed",
"order": 9
},
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"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM5NTU3MzgxNjMz",
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"id": "freakonomics-radio",
"title": "Freakonomics Radio",
"info": "Freakonomics Radio is a one-hour award-winning podcast and public-radio project hosted by Stephen Dubner, with co-author Steve Levitt as a regular guest. It is produced in partnership with WNYC.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2018/05/freakonomicsRadio.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "http://freakonomics.com/",
"airtime": "SUN 1am-2am, SAT 3pm-4pm",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "WNYC"
},
"link": "/radio/program/freakonomics-radio",
"subscribe": {
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"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/freakonomics-radio/id354668519",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/WNYC-Podcasts/Freakonomics-Radio-p272293/",
"rss": "https://feeds.feedburner.com/freakonomicsradio"
}
},
"fresh-air": {
"id": "fresh-air",
"title": "Fresh Air",
"info": "Hosted by Terry Gross, \u003cem>Fresh Air from WHYY\u003c/em> is the Peabody Award-winning weekday magazine of contemporary arts and issues. One of public radio's most popular programs, Fresh Air features intimate conversations with today's biggest luminaries.",
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"link": "/radio/program/fresh-air",
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"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=214089682&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
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"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/381444908/podcast.xml"
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"id": "here-and-now",
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"info": "A live production of NPR and WBUR Boston, in collaboration with stations across the country, Here & Now reflects the fluid world of news as it's happening in the middle of the day, with timely, in-depth news, interviews and conversation. Hosted by Robin Young, Jeremy Hobson and Tonya Mosley.",
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"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510051/podcast.xml"
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},
"hidden-brain": {
"id": "hidden-brain",
"title": "Hidden Brain",
"info": "Shankar Vedantam uses science and storytelling to reveal the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, shape our choices and direct our relationships.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/05/hiddenbrain.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/series/423302056/hidden-brain",
"airtime": "SUN 7pm-8pm",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "NPR"
},
"link": "/radio/program/hidden-brain",
"subscribe": {
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"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/Science-Podcasts/Hidden-Brain-p787503/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510308/podcast.xml"
}
},
"how-i-built-this": {
"id": "how-i-built-this",
"title": "How I Built This with Guy Raz",
"info": "Guy Raz dives into the stories behind some of the world's best known companies. How I Built This weaves a narrative journey about innovators, entrepreneurs and idealists—and the movements they built.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2018/05/howIBuiltThis.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510313/how-i-built-this",
"airtime": "SUN 7:30pm-8pm",
"meta": {
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"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/how-i-built-this",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/3zxy",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/how-i-built-this-with-guy-raz/id1150510297?mt=2",
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"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510313/podcast.xml"
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},
"hyphenacion": {
"id": "hyphenacion",
"title": "Hyphenación",
"tagline": "Where conversation and cultura meet",
"info": "What kind of no sabo word is Hyphenación? For us, it’s about living within a hyphenation. Like being a third-gen Mexican-American from the Texas border now living that Bay Area Chicano life. Like Xorje! Each week we bring together a couple of hyphenated Latinos to talk all about personal life choices: family, careers, relationships, belonging … everything is on the table. ",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Hyphenacion_FinalAssets_PodcastTile.png",
"imageAlt": "KQED Hyphenación",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/hyphenacion",
"meta": {
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"order": 15
},
"link": "/podcasts/hyphenacion",
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"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/2p3Fifq96nw9BPcmFdIq0o?si=39209f7b25774f38",
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"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/6c3dd23c-93fb-4aab-97ba-1725fa6315f1/hyphenaci%C3%B3n",
"rss": "https://feeds.megaphone.fm/KQINC2275451163"
}
},
"jerrybrown": {
"id": "jerrybrown",
"title": "The Political Mind of Jerry Brown",
"tagline": "Lessons from a lifetime in politics",
"info": "The Political Mind of Jerry Brown brings listeners the wisdom of the former Governor, Mayor, and presidential candidate. Scott Shafer interviewed Brown for more than 40 hours, covering the former governor's life and half-century in the political game – and Brown has some lessons he'd like to share. ",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-Political-Mind-of-Jerry-Brown-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED The Political Mind of Jerry Brown",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/jerrybrown",
"meta": {
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"order": 18
},
"link": "/podcasts/jerrybrown",
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"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1492194549",
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}
},
"latino-usa": {
"id": "latino-usa",
"title": "Latino USA",
"airtime": "MON 1am-2am, SUN 6pm-7pm",
"info": "Latino USA, the radio journal of news and culture, is the only national, English-language radio program produced from a Latino perspective.",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/latinoUsa.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "http://latinousa.org/",
"meta": {
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"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/latino-usa",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/xtTd",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=79681317&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory",
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"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510016/podcast.xml"
}
},
"marketplace": {
"id": "marketplace",
"title": "Marketplace",
"info": "Our flagship program, helmed by Kai Ryssdal, examines what the day in money delivered, through stories, conversations, newsworthy numbers and more. Updated Monday through Friday at about 3:30 p.m. PT.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 4pm-4:30pm, MON-WED 6:30pm-7pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Marketplace-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.marketplace.org/",
"meta": {
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"source": "American Public Media"
},
"link": "/radio/program/marketplace",
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"rss": "https://feeds.publicradio.org/public_feeds/marketplace-pm/rss/rss"
}
},
"masters-of-scale": {
"id": "masters-of-scale",
"title": "Masters of Scale",
"info": "Masters of Scale is an original podcast in which LinkedIn co-founder and Greylock Partner Reid Hoffman sets out to describe and prove theories that explain how great entrepreneurs take their companies from zero to a gazillion in ingenious fashion.",
"airtime": "Every other Wednesday June 12 through October 16 at 8pm (repeats Thursdays at 2am)",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Masters-of-Scale-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://mastersofscale.com/",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "WaitWhat"
},
"link": "/radio/program/masters-of-scale",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "http://mastersofscale.app.link/",
"rss": "https://rss.art19.com/masters-of-scale"
}
},
"mindshift": {
"id": "mindshift",
"title": "MindShift",
"tagline": "A podcast about the future of learning and how we raise our kids",
"info": "The MindShift podcast explores the innovations in education that are shaping how kids learn. Hosts Ki Sung and Katrina Schwartz introduce listeners to educators, researchers, parents and students who are developing effective ways to improve how kids learn. We cover topics like how fed-up administrators are developing surprising tactics to deal with classroom disruptions; how listening to podcasts are helping kids develop reading skills; the consequences of overparenting; and why interdisciplinary learning can engage students on all ends of the traditional achievement spectrum. This podcast is part of the MindShift education site, a division of KQED News. KQED is an NPR/PBS member station based in San Francisco. You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Mindshift-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED MindShift: How We Will Learn",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/mindshift/",
"meta": {
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"source": "kqed",
"order": 12
},
"link": "/podcasts/mindshift",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mindshift-podcast/id1078765985",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM1NzY0NjAwNDI5",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/464615685/mind-shift-podcast",
"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/stories-teachers-share",
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}
},
"morning-edition": {
"id": "morning-edition",
"title": "Morning Edition",
"info": "\u003cem>Morning Edition\u003c/em> takes listeners around the country and the world with multi-faceted stories and commentaries every weekday. Hosts Steve Inskeep, David Greene and Rachel Martin bring you the latest breaking news and features to prepare you for the day.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 3am-9am",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Morning-Edition-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/programs/morning-edition/",
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"link": "/radio/program/morning-edition"
},
"onourwatch": {
"id": "onourwatch",
"title": "On Our Watch",
"tagline": "Deeply-reported investigative journalism",
"info": "For decades, the process for how police police themselves has been inconsistent – if not opaque. In some states, like California, these proceedings were completely hidden. After a new police transparency law unsealed scores of internal affairs files, our reporters set out to examine these cases and the shadow world of police discipline. On Our Watch brings listeners into the rooms where officers are questioned and witnesses are interrogated to find out who this system is really protecting. Is it the officers, or the public they've sworn to serve?",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/On-Our-Watch-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "On Our Watch from NPR and KQED",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/onourwatch",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 11
},
"link": "/podcasts/onourwatch",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/podcast/id1567098962",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5ucHIub3JnLzUxMDM2MC9wb2RjYXN0LnhtbD9zYz1nb29nbGVwb2RjYXN0cw",
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"stitcher": "https://www.stitcher.com/show/on-our-watch",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510360/podcast.xml"
}
},
"on-the-media": {
"id": "on-the-media",
"title": "On The Media",
"info": "Our weekly podcast explores how the media 'sausage' is made, casts an incisive eye on fluctuations in the marketplace of ideas, and examines threats to the freedom of information and expression in America and abroad. For one hour a week, the show tries to lift the veil from the process of \"making media,\" especially news media, because it's through that lens that we see the world and the world sees us",
"airtime": "SUN 2pm-3pm, MON 12am-1am",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/onTheMedia.png",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.wnycstudios.org/shows/otm",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "wnyc"
},
"link": "/radio/program/on-the-media",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/on-the-media/id73330715?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/On-the-Media-p69/",
"rss": "http://feeds.wnyc.org/onthemedia"
}
},
"pbs-newshour": {
"id": "pbs-newshour",
"title": "PBS NewsHour",
"info": "Analysis, background reports and updates from the PBS NewsHour putting today's news in context.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 3pm-4pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/PBS-News-Hour-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.pbs.org/newshour/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "pbs"
},
"link": "/radio/program/pbs-newshour",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pbs-newshour-full-show/id394432287?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/radio/PBS-NewsHour---Full-Show-p425698/",
"rss": "https://www.pbs.org/newshour/feeds/rss/podcasts/show"
}
},
"perspectives": {
"id": "perspectives",
"title": "Perspectives",
"tagline": "KQED's series of daily listener commentaries since 1991",
"info": "KQED's series of daily listener commentaries since 1991.",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/Perspectives_Tile_Final.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Perspectives",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/perspectives/",
"meta": {
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"source": "kqed",
"order": 14
},
"link": "/perspectives",
"subscribe": {
"apple": "https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id73801135",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/432309616/perspectives",
"rss": "https://ww2.kqed.org/perspectives/category/perspectives/feed/",
"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93dzIua3FlZC5vcmcvcGVyc3BlY3RpdmVzL2NhdGVnb3J5L3BlcnNwZWN0aXZlcy9mZWVkLw"
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},
"planet-money": {
"id": "planet-money",
"title": "Planet Money",
"info": "The economy explained. Imagine you could call up a friend and say, Meet me at the bar and tell me what's going on with the economy. Now imagine that's actually a fun evening.",
"airtime": "SUN 3pm-4pm",
"imageSrc": "https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/planetmoney.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.npr.org/sections/money/",
"meta": {
"site": "news",
"source": "npr"
},
"link": "/radio/program/planet-money",
"subscribe": {
"npr": "https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/M4f5",
"apple": "https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/planet-money/id290783428?mt=2",
"tuneIn": "https://tunein.com/podcasts/Business--Economics-Podcasts/Planet-Money-p164680/",
"rss": "https://feeds.npr.org/510289/podcast.xml"
}
},
"politicalbreakdown": {
"id": "politicalbreakdown",
"title": "Political Breakdown",
"tagline": "Politics from a personal perspective",
"info": "Political Breakdown is a new series that explores the political intersection of California and the nation. Each week hosts Scott Shafer and Marisa Lagos are joined with a new special guest to unpack politics -- with personality — and offer an insider’s glimpse at how politics happens.",
"airtime": "THU 6:30pm-7pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Political-Breakdown-2024-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
"imageAlt": "KQED Political Breakdown",
"officialWebsiteLink": "/podcasts/politicalbreakdown",
"meta": {
"site": "radio",
"source": "kqed",
"order": 5
},
"link": "/podcasts/politicalbreakdown",
"subscribe": {
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"amazon": "https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/e0c2d153-ad36-4c8d-901d-f1da6a724824/political-breakdown",
"npr": "https://www.npr.org/podcasts/572155894/political-breakdown",
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