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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats",
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"content": "\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza gave Ross a sensual sponge bath, Blondie and Doc made out next to a horse's butt, and, oh yeah, Francis DIED. Will Ross make newly-widowed Pinky Ring his second wife, found a religion that permits polygamy, and move to Utah? Will Francis' ghost not realize he's dead and spend a lot of time trying to help a kid who sees dead people? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's been a few weeks since Francis drowned in a puddle and everyone is still really bummed about it. But they can surely take heart in the fact that he died discovering copper, right? Yeah, not so much. Turns out it was \"fool's copper.\" Francis' short life in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/2682207462_1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44480\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/2682207462_1.gif\" alt=\"2682207462_1\" width=\"250\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bright and early, Ross informs Demelza that he's heading off to see Pinky Ring. Demelza is unamused: \"Is Verity's company not enough for her?\" Translation: \u003cem>Can we just skip this whole you-cheat-on-me-in-a-moment-of-weakness-and-lie-about-it-for-months thing? I'm tired.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In anticipation of Ross' visit, Pinky Ring makes sure her hair is on point and pinches her cheeks so that her coloring is as enticing as possible. Verity delivers an express package of \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em> side-eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44489\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-800x441.jpg\" alt=\"verity-poldark-side-eye\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-800x441.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-1020x562.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-1180x650.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-960x529.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-375x207.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-520x287.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Pinky Ring have apparently been galloping around Cornwall twice a week. Pinky Ring says it's to keep her four-year-old son abreast of the state of the mine. Verity, Agatha, Demelza and anyone else with eyes knows these field trips are actually about Ross keeping himself abreast of Pinky Ring's breasts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy and his uncle are really jazzed about sending Ross to debtor's prison for failing to pay his debts. Would modern day people spend this much time being evil, if we didn't have Netflix to distract us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, Ross and Pinky Ring flirt and pretend that they're not going to ruin Demelza's life really soon. Francis Jr. is an awkward plus-one on this date:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44490\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-800x412.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-elizabeth-kid\" width=\"800\" height=\"412\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-800x412.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-1020x525.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-1180x608.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-960x494.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-375x193.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-520x268.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid.jpg 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Doc finds a dead body (maybe from a shipwreck?). Before we can get any answers, Doc takes out a saw and starts cutting off the corpse's leg.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"publizity-wait-whet-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza advises Ross to just ask one of his rich friends to help him stay out of debtor's prison. For the umpteenth time, Ross lets her know he doesn't value her opinion and hates when she talks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Doc's bachelor pad, he's putting his fingers all in the corpse's severed leg. Then he has an Oprah A-ha! Moment™. He uses what he learned from this exercise in anatomy to fix some random villager's wonky knee.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/britney-spears-huh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44500\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/britney-spears-huh.gif\" alt=\"britney-spears-huh\" width=\"500\" height=\"377\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross visits some random dude and says, \u003cem>I'm probably also going to be in jail pretty soon! LOL! \u003c/em>The prisoner tries to reason with him. Surely Ross can just sell his mine shares and avoid ruining his wife's life? Ross responds with,\u003cem> Nah, I prefer living in a constant state of chaos. And I haven't given a damn about my wife in months! LOL!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way home, he runs into Horace the Pug!!! Blondie's there too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44501\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-800x414.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"414\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-800x414.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-768x398.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-1020x528.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-1180x611.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-960x497.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-375x194.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-520x269.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Doc tells Ross and Demelza about his huge crush on Blondie. (WE GET IT! GEEZ!) Then, Ross pretends Demelza doesn't exist and talks about how pointless life is, in light of how quickly you can drown in a puddle. Demelza looks at him like this for a really long time:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44502\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-800x447.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-9-38-43-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-375x209.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-520x290.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM.png 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I hate him, too, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy has returned to say evil things to Tarot Card Agatha's face. \"I think it's high time the coffin-maker started taking measurements, old hag.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44503\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif.gif\" alt=\"how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even if she was deaf, which she's not, she would probably be able to read lips pretty well. I cannot wait for whatever witchcraft she will use to murder this twerp.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The reason for his visit: to give Pinky Ring some weird candy and remind her that she can pay off what Francis owed him via Visa, MasterCard, or preferably sexual favors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza tells Verity that the main pillar of a happy marriage is pretending to believe your husband isn't a cheating bastard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring explains to her son that she plans to smile less around the house so that she doesn't get wrinkles. Her son is just old enough to realize she's lost it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44504\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-800x413.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-elizabeth-tripping\" width=\"800\" height=\"413\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-800x413.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-1020x527.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-1180x609.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-960x496.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-375x194.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-520x268.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping.jpg 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a forest, Doc and Blondie make out next to a horse's butt. Again. This has become their thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44506\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-10-14-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-768x426.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM.png 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They eventually unlock their lips long enough for Blondie to speak some truth about Demelza and the futility of marrying men: \"She seems to be universally adored. She's the sort of woman that all men desire, except her husband. So often happens; no great incentive for marriage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just as I'm starting to like her, she goes back to her rich-people-rule-poor-people-drool routine. She thinks Doc's desire to help the needy is cute and all, but that he should move somewhere fancy and help \"his own kind\" instead. Making out next to horse butts seems fun, but surely they both realize their values are in such opposition that this could never work, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out they're still in the you're-so-hot-that-I-can't-recognize-any-of-your-obvious-flaws stage of their relationship. They celebrate their blissful ignorance by randomly racing each other on horseback (Blondie on side-saddle, of course, because she's not a harlot).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Always full of terrible ideas, Ross comes up with a plan. More illegal trading + storing stolen goods at home = lots of money and zero jail time. Demelza is like, \u003cem>Um, I'm barely literate and terrible at math, but that equation makes no goddamn sense! Just ask your rich friends for help, you proud idiot!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then this amazing exchange, which I've been anticipating for so long, takes place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Do I have your consent?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"YOU DARE TO ASK ME THAT, KNOWING VERY WELL YOU DO EXACTLY AS YOU PLEASE WITH OR WITHOUT MY SAY?!?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then she throws a rake at his face!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/applause-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44516\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/applause-gif.gif\" alt=\"applause-gif\" width=\"615\" height=\"295\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm so very proud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/proud-whitney-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44517\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/proud-whitney-gif.gif\" alt=\"proud-whitney-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And things just get better with this close-up of Horace's face!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44838\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1020x568.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1180x657.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's that, you say? I'm too obsessed with this magical pug? Tell it to my new socks:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792901832372686848\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, Blondie tells her uncle about wanting to hang out with Doc the following day. Her uncle freaks out: \u003cem>But everyone will think you're a whore! Next, you'll tell me you've stopped riding side-saddle.\u003c/em> *male tears* They agree to disagree.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Pinky Ring's house, Verity lets everyone know she is going home tomorrow. Agatha's responds with my new favorite saying: \"FIDDLESTICKS!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792875375730630657\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Verity isn't backing down and shares her plans to make up for lost time with her husband by having lots and lots of sex. Agatha chokes:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792897497395961856\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is annoyed at his uncle for inviting a bunch of 17-year-old girls to their Christmas party. Never one to miss an opportunity to be disgusting, his uncle says: \"Prime breeding stock. You may examine their teeth, if you choose.\" Can we speed up the advent of feminism, pretty please? Absolutely not? Oh. Okay then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another flirty hang with Pinky Ring, during which she complains about how her son isn't going to have as fat a trust fund as previously thought (#WhitePeopleProblems), Ross runs to his banker and tells him to sell a bunch of his mine shares and give all the money to Pinky Ring. The banker speaks for the audience at home:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Banker:\u003c/strong> \"You have your own wife and child to care for. Would it not seem that you value your cousin-in-law's comfort over hers?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"[Demelza] is a miner's daughter. She has learned to survive. Pinky Ring is a gentlewoman.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Banker:\u003c/strong> \"And you're a mad man.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Amen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Blondie's house, Doc arrives after being summoned by her uncle. The interaction goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You better not have sex with my niece!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Sorry, but I'm definitely going to. Probably next to a horse's butt.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Don't you dare!\u003c/em> \u003cem>I will cut off her inheritance!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Her trust fund is the most annoying part about her, so knock yourself out. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy butters up Pinky Ring's mom, but who cares about that when Horace's the Pug's life partner just made his/her debut?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44870\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-800x449.jpg\" alt=\"horace-wife-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"449\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-520x292.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Verity is taking off. She gives Francis Jr. a kiss, gives Pinky Ring a look and says,\u003cem> Try not to be a homewrecker. Okay, bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Ross and his criminal buddies dig a huge hole in the living room to store illegal goods. Demelza knew he wouldn't listen to her, even after she screamed and threw a rake at his face. She watches him make yet another idiotic decision and shoots daggers into his back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44871\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-poldark-daggers-mad\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad.jpg 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bit later, some hot guy named Charlie shows up unannounced and sees the big hole in the living room. Judging by the sinister music, there's a 98% probability he's the Judas.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross takes off his shirt (I hate him so much these days, I don't even care to see his hairy chest anymore) and goes to bed in the brattiest way possible. His response to Demelza's touch:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-44872 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash.gif\" alt=\"mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash\" width=\"853\" height=\"480\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Whatever, dude.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, he runs off to see Pinky Ring because duh. She just got a bunch of money from an anonymous person. Ross pretends it isn't him and then reminds her that he really wishes Demelza didn't exist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I regret that the circumstances are such that I cannot take care of you as I might wish.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"We both regret that, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I regret that both of you haven't been murdered by a puddle yet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross then makes out with her hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44874\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-800x446.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-6-59-26-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-768x428.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-1180x658.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-960x535.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-375x209.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-520x290.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM.png 1223w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-24.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44873\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-24.gif\" alt=\"giphy-24\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward a bit and it's Christmas! Maybe Ross will take a break from being the worst for one day? Yeah, no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"War now seems inevitable.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> *rolls eyes and sighs* \"Merry Christmas, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Now we know our last hope is gone.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Siri, remind me to draft up divorce papers.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, she didn't actually say that last line, but a boy can dream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Agatha continues being the MVP of this entire show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha:\u003c/strong> \"Rose water?! Do I require a fumigant?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"No, aunt, but...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha: \"\u003c/strong>Francis always knew what I liked. Brandy wine, port and canary, preferably all three!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44883\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle.gif\" alt=\"karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle\" width=\"500\" height=\"252\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Agatha has more bon mots where that came from. Malfoy comes in and Agatha grabs Francis Jr. and says, \"Sit by me, child. Beware that man's pitchfork and his tail.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MdaeCpIqmA\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy whisks Pinky Ring to a party so she can watch him examine 17-year-old girls' teeth. She gets jealous, just like he planned. Oy vey, Pinky Ring, Francis JUST died!!! Sure, he was boring, but come on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross and Demelza head to the banker's office to get things in order before Ross is taken to debtor's prison. But -- curveball -- Blondie anonymously bought his debt! She has a soul! Hurrah! (Although Ross does kind of deserve a jail sentence for his attitude at this point.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza skip on over to Malfoy's to revel in their sudden good fortune:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I regret to say I am unable to give you the satisfaction...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Most unfortunate.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...of visiting me in prison. You'll have to make due with this.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"What is this foolery?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Repayment. In full. With interest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy & Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"....\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"We wish you both the compliments of the season.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tumblr_n72a4kJ01L1smcbm7o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44884\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tumblr_n72a4kJ01L1smcbm7o1_400.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n72a4kj01l1smcbm7o1_400\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle freaks out in a major way, but Malfoy reassures him that he'll get revenge by marrying Ross' ex. You can have her, bro.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Pinky Ring's house, where she receives a care package from Malfoy. I'll let Agatha's eye roll speak on my behalf:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/792923043731345408\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, he wants to make amends for being such a jerk this past year. He gives Demelza sexy stockings and seductively helps her put them on. Then they have kinky sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> It's going to take more than a pair of stockings and a roll in the hay to make up for all the crap he's been pulling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Demelza's Forgotten Dog. \u003c/strong>What ever happened to him? We haven't seen him for several episodes. Did a puddle murder him? I hope he's okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>If her singing career doesn't pan out, she should be a yoga teacher, 'cause she has mastered the art of breathing through other people's BS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>Blondie.\u003c/strong>\u003cem> \u003c/em>She did good. Now, all she has to do is abstain from giving her opinion on the poor and there won't be any problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Agatha. \u003c/strong>She coined a catchphrase (\"Fiddlesticks!\"), threw shade at Malfoy, served up a healthy dose of side-eye, and gave an impassioned speech about her favorite types of booze. No one else comes close.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Ross tries not to cheat on his wife. Ross' wife tries not to kill him. There's more making out next to horse butts. ",
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"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">previous episode of \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Demelza gave Ross a sensual sponge bath, Blondie and Doc made out next to a horse's butt, and, oh yeah, Francis DIED. Will Ross make newly-widowed Pinky Ring his second wife, found a religion that permits polygamy, and move to Utah? Will Francis' ghost not realize he's dead and spend a lot of time trying to help a kid who sees dead people? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's been a few weeks since Francis drowned in a puddle and everyone is still really bummed about it. But they can surely take heart in the fact that he died discovering copper, right? Yeah, not so much. Turns out it was \"fool's copper.\" Francis' short life in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/2682207462_1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44480\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/2682207462_1.gif\" alt=\"2682207462_1\" width=\"250\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bright and early, Ross informs Demelza that he's heading off to see Pinky Ring. Demelza is unamused: \"Is Verity's company not enough for her?\" Translation: \u003cem>Can we just skip this whole you-cheat-on-me-in-a-moment-of-weakness-and-lie-about-it-for-months thing? I'm tired.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In anticipation of Ross' visit, Pinky Ring makes sure her hair is on point and pinches her cheeks so that her coloring is as enticing as possible. Verity delivers an express package of \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em> side-eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44489\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-800x441.jpg\" alt=\"verity-poldark-side-eye\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-800x441.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-1020x562.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-1180x650.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-960x529.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-375x207.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye-520x287.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/verity-poldark-side-eye.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Pinky Ring have apparently been galloping around Cornwall twice a week. Pinky Ring says it's to keep her four-year-old son abreast of the state of the mine. Verity, Agatha, Demelza and anyone else with eyes knows these field trips are actually about Ross keeping himself abreast of Pinky Ring's breasts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy and his uncle are really jazzed about sending Ross to debtor's prison for failing to pay his debts. Would modern day people spend this much time being evil, if we didn't have Netflix to distract us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, Ross and Pinky Ring flirt and pretend that they're not going to ruin Demelza's life really soon. Francis Jr. is an awkward plus-one on this date:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44490\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-800x412.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-elizabeth-kid\" width=\"800\" height=\"412\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-800x412.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-1020x525.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-1180x608.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-960x494.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-375x193.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid-520x268.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-kid.jpg 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Doc finds a dead body (maybe from a shipwreck?). Before we can get any answers, Doc takes out a saw and starts cutting off the corpse's leg.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"publizity-wait-whet-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza advises Ross to just ask one of his rich friends to help him stay out of debtor's prison. For the umpteenth time, Ross lets her know he doesn't value her opinion and hates when she talks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Doc's bachelor pad, he's putting his fingers all in the corpse's severed leg. Then he has an Oprah A-ha! Moment™. He uses what he learned from this exercise in anatomy to fix some random villager's wonky knee.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/britney-spears-huh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44500\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/britney-spears-huh.gif\" alt=\"britney-spears-huh\" width=\"500\" height=\"377\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross visits some random dude and says, \u003cem>I'm probably also going to be in jail pretty soon! LOL! \u003c/em>The prisoner tries to reason with him. Surely Ross can just sell his mine shares and avoid ruining his wife's life? Ross responds with,\u003cem> Nah, I prefer living in a constant state of chaos. And I haven't given a damn about my wife in months! LOL!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way home, he runs into Horace the Pug!!! Blondie's there too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44501\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-800x414.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"414\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-800x414.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-768x398.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-1020x528.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-1180x611.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-960x497.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-375x194.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-520x269.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Doc tells Ross and Demelza about his huge crush on Blondie. (WE GET IT! GEEZ!) Then, Ross pretends Demelza doesn't exist and talks about how pointless life is, in light of how quickly you can drown in a puddle. Demelza looks at him like this for a really long time:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44502\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-800x447.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-9-38-43-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-375x209.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM-520x290.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-9.38.43-PM.png 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I hate him, too, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy has returned to say evil things to Tarot Card Agatha's face. \"I think it's high time the coffin-maker started taking measurements, old hag.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44503\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif.gif\" alt=\"how-dare-you-dance-moms-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even if she was deaf, which she's not, she would probably be able to read lips pretty well. I cannot wait for whatever witchcraft she will use to murder this twerp.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The reason for his visit: to give Pinky Ring some weird candy and remind her that she can pay off what Francis owed him via Visa, MasterCard, or preferably sexual favors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza tells Verity that the main pillar of a happy marriage is pretending to believe your husband isn't a cheating bastard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring explains to her son that she plans to smile less around the house so that she doesn't get wrinkles. Her son is just old enough to realize she's lost it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44504\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-800x413.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-elizabeth-tripping\" width=\"800\" height=\"413\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-800x413.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-1020x527.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-1180x609.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-960x496.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-375x194.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping-520x268.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/poldark-elizabeth-tripping.jpg 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a forest, Doc and Blondie make out next to a horse's butt. Again. This has become their thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44506\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-10-14-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-768x426.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-28-at-10.10.14-PM.png 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They eventually unlock their lips long enough for Blondie to speak some truth about Demelza and the futility of marrying men: \"She seems to be universally adored. She's the sort of woman that all men desire, except her husband. So often happens; no great incentive for marriage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just as I'm starting to like her, she goes back to her rich-people-rule-poor-people-drool routine. She thinks Doc's desire to help the needy is cute and all, but that he should move somewhere fancy and help \"his own kind\" instead. Making out next to horse butts seems fun, but surely they both realize their values are in such opposition that this could never work, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out they're still in the you're-so-hot-that-I-can't-recognize-any-of-your-obvious-flaws stage of their relationship. They celebrate their blissful ignorance by randomly racing each other on horseback (Blondie on side-saddle, of course, because she's not a harlot).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Always full of terrible ideas, Ross comes up with a plan. More illegal trading + storing stolen goods at home = lots of money and zero jail time. Demelza is like, \u003cem>Um, I'm barely literate and terrible at math, but that equation makes no goddamn sense! Just ask your rich friends for help, you proud idiot!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then this amazing exchange, which I've been anticipating for so long, takes place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Do I have your consent?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"YOU DARE TO ASK ME THAT, KNOWING VERY WELL YOU DO EXACTLY AS YOU PLEASE WITH OR WITHOUT MY SAY?!?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then she throws a rake at his face!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/applause-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44516\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/applause-gif.gif\" alt=\"applause-gif\" width=\"615\" height=\"295\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm so very proud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/proud-whitney-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44517\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/proud-whitney-gif.gif\" alt=\"proud-whitney-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And things just get better with this close-up of Horace's face!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44838\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1020x568.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1180x657.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's that, you say? I'm too obsessed with this magical pug? Tell it to my new socks:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Anyway, Blondie tells her uncle about wanting to hang out with Doc the following day. Her uncle freaks out: \u003cem>But everyone will think you're a whore! Next, you'll tell me you've stopped riding side-saddle.\u003c/em> *male tears* They agree to disagree.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Pinky Ring's house, Verity lets everyone know she is going home tomorrow. Agatha's responds with my new favorite saying: \"FIDDLESTICKS!\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>But Verity isn't backing down and shares her plans to make up for lost time with her husband by having lots and lots of sex. Agatha chokes:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is annoyed at his uncle for inviting a bunch of 17-year-old girls to their Christmas party. Never one to miss an opportunity to be disgusting, his uncle says: \"Prime breeding stock. You may examine their teeth, if you choose.\" Can we speed up the advent of feminism, pretty please? Absolutely not? Oh. Okay then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another flirty hang with Pinky Ring, during which she complains about how her son isn't going to have as fat a trust fund as previously thought (#WhitePeopleProblems), Ross runs to his banker and tells him to sell a bunch of his mine shares and give all the money to Pinky Ring. The banker speaks for the audience at home:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Banker:\u003c/strong> \"You have your own wife and child to care for. Would it not seem that you value your cousin-in-law's comfort over hers?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"[Demelza] is a miner's daughter. She has learned to survive. Pinky Ring is a gentlewoman.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Banker:\u003c/strong> \"And you're a mad man.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Amen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Blondie's house, Doc arrives after being summoned by her uncle. The interaction goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You better not have sex with my niece!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Sorry, but I'm definitely going to. Probably next to a horse's butt.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Don't you dare!\u003c/em> \u003cem>I will cut off her inheritance!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doc: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Her trust fund is the most annoying part about her, so knock yourself out. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy butters up Pinky Ring's mom, but who cares about that when Horace's the Pug's life partner just made his/her debut?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44870\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-800x449.jpg\" alt=\"horace-wife-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"449\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-768x431.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-1020x572.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-1180x662.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-375x210.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark-520x292.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-wife-poldark.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Verity is taking off. She gives Francis Jr. a kiss, gives Pinky Ring a look and says,\u003cem> Try not to be a homewrecker. Okay, bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Ross and his criminal buddies dig a huge hole in the living room to store illegal goods. Demelza knew he wouldn't listen to her, even after she screamed and threw a rake at his face. She watches him make yet another idiotic decision and shoots daggers into his back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44871\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-poldark-daggers-mad\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-poldark-daggers-mad.jpg 1229w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bit later, some hot guy named Charlie shows up unannounced and sees the big hole in the living room. Judging by the sinister music, there's a 98% probability he's the Judas.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross takes off his shirt (I hate him so much these days, I don't even care to see his hairy chest anymore) and goes to bed in the brattiest way possible. His response to Demelza's touch:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-44872 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash.gif\" alt=\"mlfw1817-92393_-_animated_grump_rainbow_dash\" width=\"853\" height=\"480\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Whatever, dude.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, he runs off to see Pinky Ring because duh. She just got a bunch of money from an anonymous person. Ross pretends it isn't him and then reminds her that he really wishes Demelza didn't exist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I regret that the circumstances are such that I cannot take care of you as I might wish.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"We both regret that, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I regret that both of you haven't been murdered by a puddle yet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross then makes out with her hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-44874\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-800x446.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-6-59-26-pm\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-768x428.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-1180x658.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-960x535.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-375x209.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM-520x290.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-30-at-6.59.26-PM.png 1223w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-24.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44873\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-24.gif\" alt=\"giphy-24\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward a bit and it's Christmas! Maybe Ross will take a break from being the worst for one day? Yeah, no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"War now seems inevitable.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> *rolls eyes and sighs* \"Merry Christmas, Ross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Now we know our last hope is gone.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Siri, remind me to draft up divorce papers.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, fine, she didn't actually say that last line, but a boy can dream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Agatha continues being the MVP of this entire show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha:\u003c/strong> \"Rose water?! Do I require a fumigant?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"No, aunt, but...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Agatha: \"\u003c/strong>Francis always knew what I liked. Brandy wine, port and canary, preferably all three!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44883\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle.gif\" alt=\"karen-walker-drinking-from-the-bottle\" width=\"500\" height=\"252\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Agatha has more bon mots where that came from. Malfoy comes in and Agatha grabs Francis Jr. and says, \"Sit by me, child. Beware that man's pitchfork and his tail.\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/8MdaeCpIqmA'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/8MdaeCpIqmA'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Malfoy whisks Pinky Ring to a party so she can watch him examine 17-year-old girls' teeth. She gets jealous, just like he planned. Oy vey, Pinky Ring, Francis JUST died!!! Sure, he was boring, but come on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross and Demelza head to the banker's office to get things in order before Ross is taken to debtor's prison. But -- curveball -- Blondie anonymously bought his debt! She has a soul! Hurrah! (Although Ross does kind of deserve a jail sentence for his attitude at this point.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza skip on over to Malfoy's to revel in their sudden good fortune:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"I regret to say I am unable to give you the satisfaction...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy:\u003c/strong> \"Most unfortunate.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...of visiting me in prison. You'll have to make due with this.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"What is this foolery?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Repayment. In full. With interest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy & Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"....\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"We wish you both the compliments of the season.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tumblr_n72a4kJ01L1smcbm7o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44884\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tumblr_n72a4kJ01L1smcbm7o1_400.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n72a4kj01l1smcbm7o1_400\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle freaks out in a major way, but Malfoy reassures him that he'll get revenge by marrying Ross' ex. You can have her, bro.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Pinky Ring's house, where she receives a care package from Malfoy. I'll let Agatha's eye roll speak on my behalf:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, he wants to make amends for being such a jerk this past year. He gives Demelza sexy stockings and seductively helps her put them on. Then they have kinky sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> It's going to take more than a pair of stockings and a roll in the hay to make up for all the crap he's been pulling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Demelza's Forgotten Dog. \u003c/strong>What ever happened to him? We haven't seen him for several episodes. Did a puddle murder him? I hope he's okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>If her singing career doesn't pan out, she should be a yoga teacher, 'cause she has mastered the art of breathing through other people's BS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>SILVER: \u003c/em>Blondie.\u003c/strong>\u003cem> \u003c/em>She did good. Now, all she has to do is abstain from giving her opinion on the poor and there won't be any problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Agatha. \u003c/strong>She coined a catchphrase (\"Fiddlesticks!\"), threw shade at Malfoy, served up a healthy dose of side-eye, and gave an impassioned speech about her favorite types of booze. No one else comes close.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/24/poldark-season-2-episode-4-recap-sink-or-swim/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">Last time on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Malfoy almost gouged Ross' eyes out with his thumbs, Demelza almost gave birth in a boat, and an assortment of boring mining things happened. Will Ross call up his buddy Suge Knight and have Malfoy killed once and for all? Will Demelza finally surprise drop the album she's been working on? Will a witch transform Horace the Pug into a really hot dude that I can marry? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's not an afternoon in Cornwall if a poor person isn't being arrested. This time, it's a dude named Ted. Someone within his inner circle betrayed him. It could literally be anyone because 99% of the denizens of this county are the worst. (\u003cem>Infuriating historical side note:\u003c/em> The prick who finked on Anne Frank and co. was never discovered or persecuted. Karma is a myth.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza and Ross' brand new son is already walking, so some time has passed between episodes. Enough time for Ross to have gotten over his man baby antics? Ha! Nope! He's still doing his \u003cem>You can't tell me what to do! You're not my mom!\u003c/em> bit with Demelza. This time, they're arguing over whether it's a good idea for Ross to attend Ted's trial, considering that he's part of the same illegal trading #squad. Ross basically plugs his ears and says\u003cem> La la la, I can't hear you!\u003c/em> \u003cem>I'm going and that's that! I do what I want!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie is back after a year in London. The only reason I care is that she brought Horace the Pug with her. He seems to be in good spirits! And he's craving some marzipan. Aw, never change, dream pup!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-43355\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-again\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again.jpg 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and, in case you care, Blondie's uncle is annoyed at Parliament Wannabe for not being able to seal the deal in getting Blondie to agree to marriage. What don't these men understand? A human husband is completely unnecessary when the canine variety is way cuter and far more loyal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Tarot Card Agatha has a chronic cough. Nooo! Don't you dare leave me alone with these people, you wonderful broad. If the Dowager Countess can defy science and survive long enough to be in every \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> episode, so can you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for Ted's trial because the town gallows aren't going to fill themselves. The judge wants to sentence Ted to death because why not? But -- plot twist -- Backstabber Cousin is randomly a magistrate and urges the judge to have some chill. The judge is convinced (probably due in part to the cute little wig Backstabber Cousin is wearing) and only sentences Ted to three months of hard labor, which is basically summer camp to these people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the center of town, Doc runs into a Horace-less Blondie. She's surprised all the voodoo dolls she's made in his likeness haven't had any effect on him. Someone please find a working time machine and send this girl a copy of \u003cem>He's Just Not That Into You. \u003c/em>She needs it so desperately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having heard about Tarot Card Agatha's ailment, Verity decides to come stay for a while. Tarot Card Agatha and I are both super stoked to have her back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-43357\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-800x448.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-22 at 10.42.42 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-1020x571.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-1180x660.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-520x291.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy's uncle is snorting drugs. He's also plotting a new evil scheme. The sky is blue. (Or overcast, I guess, since this is Cornwall.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Blondie's uncle is throwing a rave to announce Blondie's engagement. Before everyone adorns themselves in glow-in-the-dark accessories and engages in whatever the 1785 version of twerking is, dinner is served. For some reason, all the couples are split up. Demelza has to deal with being bookended by Blondie's slobbering uncle and Ross' slobbering bestie from the war (who apparently doesn't own any regular clothes because he's always wearing the same uniform).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Ross is seated next to his ex, Pinky Ring. They don't waste any time bringing up how they both wish they could have sex with each other. All of a sudden, Pinky Ring is really into polyamory: \"Can not a woman love two men? Can not a man love two women?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRWnIYaj6uk\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After dinner, Blondie trolls Parliament Wannabe so hard that he runs away from the party. No one is bothered in the least that the engagement party is missing an engagement. Ross, Demelza, Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring all engage in a do-si-do type of dance, which involves wife swapping. Pinky Ring's poly fantasies are one step closer to coming true.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, a fight breaks out in the mine. The workers are accusing some dude named Nick of being the betrayer. Ross gets involved because that's what he loves most in the world. Apparently, Nick has a history of being a terrible human being. Remember Jim from season 1, who got thrown in jail for poaching and died of typhus before he could meet his own baby? Yeah, that was this guy's fault. And remember when Ross was on trial and was almost sentenced to death? This guy took money from Malfoy to testify against him. So, um, why did this fight take this long to happen? KILL HIM!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross just might because Nick calls him a poser and says that having sex with a \"scullery maid\" doesn't equate to knowing the first thing about the poor man's struggle. Ross promptly head butts him and then punches him in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/bHbqoou.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43554\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/bHbqoou.gif\" alt=\"bHbqoou\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is practicing his best \u003cem>Mortal Kombat\u003c/em> moves in heels again. His uncle interrupts by unveiling his latest scheme: he managed to buy a promissory note that says Ross owes £1,000. They will now use this to ruin our curly-haired hero. Here we go again... This town needs a movie theater or a bowling alley or something. Idle hands and what not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy runs over to Pinky Ring's house with yet another proposition: he won't do anything evil with the promissory note, if she becomes \"friends\" with him. That's code for third base, if not a homer. She says she'll think about it, especially now that she's poly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way out, Malfoy runs into Tarot Card Agatha, who doesn't waste any time talking smack about how she's disliked him and his terrible clothes since he was a boy. Go in, Agatha, go in!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Believing she's deaf, Malfoy says truly evil things right to her face: \"There should be a law to kill off old crones. If you were the last of the Poldarks, I'd do it myself. I hope when I next call you'll be six feet below.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOW. You can try to kill off Ross all you want, but going after my girl, Agatha? NOPE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-43530 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\" alt=\"trying to piss me off mission dance moms\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, his bestie from the war drops in on Demelza. He basically says, \u003cem>Ross headbutted this dude, which makes it plainly obvious he's tied up in this illegal trading stuff. Make him stop or I will have to hang him. Cool? Cool. By the way, this tea is amazing. Bengal spice?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Doc runs into Blondie again. OMG, JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY. He tries walking right past her, but she stops him in his tracks by apologizing for hoping poor people die and all that jazz. He promptly forgets that she has no soul and confesses his love for her because she's pretty. Or maybe it's because shacking up with her means playing with Horace the Pug any time he wants. The second reason is totally valid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Demelza's, Ross blames her for the War BFF's visit. Surely it's her flirting that keeps him coming around and not all of his illegal troublemaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/why-are-boys-such-jerks-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43534\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/why-are-boys-such-jerks-gif.gif\" alt=\"why are boys such jerks gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin finds out about Malfoy's visit and heads off to make amends or confront him or something. No one is paying attention to Tarot Card Agatha, who says: \"Wished me dead, he did. Called me old crone. BIG mistake!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/xtina-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-43531 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/xtina-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"xtina excited gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/stevie-family-guy-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-medium wp-image-43533 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/stevie-family-guy-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"stevie family guy excited gif\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-medium wp-image-43532 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"sailor moon excited gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"391\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin drops in on Malfoy and uses a lot of words, including the term \"noxiousness,\" to get a simple message across: \u003cem>We are never ever ever getting back together. I hope you die. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, things are VERY WEIRD. Despite the fact that he just accused Demelza of being a flirty floozy, she's giving him a sponge bath. Ross keeps bobbing up and down and making I'm-getting-an-underwater-hand-job faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43535\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-800x445.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 10.53.13 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1180x656.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-960x534.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM.png 1659w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43536\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 10.51.37 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-160x88.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-768x423.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-1020x562.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-1180x650.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-960x529.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-240x132.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-375x207.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-520x286.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM.png 1674w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Good for him, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's not the only one getting it on. In a forest, Doc meets up with Blondie. He confesses to being socially awkward and she's like, \u003cem>OMG, me too!\u003c/em> Then they make out next to a horse's butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43537\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 11.06.30 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Early the next morning, Backstabber Cousin tenderly caresses a sleeping Pinky Ring. Their son wakes up and Backstabber Cousin says, \"I'll be home in time to read you a story.\" Hmm. That sure seems like when a character in a horror movie says they'll be right back and then they get butchered. Is he really about to get killed off?! Oh, boy, now I feel bad about all the jokes I've made at his expense.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin, who I will now call by his real name Francis, heads to the mine and thinks he's found copper! So he hurries over to Ross' to tell him the good news and at long last get his cousin's approval. Ross isn't home though, but Demelza is. Francis delivers a touching speech about how she shouldn't be so hard on herself and how she's just as good as Pinky Ring and Ross is lucky to have found her. Okay, yeah, he's definitely going to die today.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's, Doc has diagnosed Tarot Card Agatha's ailment. Turns out she was just faking to get Verity to come back. So many tricks up her octogenarian sleeve! When confronted, Agatha is like, \u003cem>Okay, you got me! I really like slumber parties and will do or say whatever I need to do or say to arrange one! Sue me! Oh, and P.S. my tarot cards say something really F-ed up is about to happen.\u003c/em> No one believes her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down in the mine, Francis finds evidence of copper. He traces it on the wall and follows it deeper and deeper into the mine until he falls into a random puddle just like last season, only this time Ross isn't there to help fish him out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Above ground, Ross finds out about Malfoy's latest attempt at ruining him. He must repay the loan in full or risk debtor's prison. Before he and Demelza can properly freak out, news that Francis is missing reaches them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They rush to the mine and find Francis' hat and jacket. Ross rushes down there and calls out for him. Francis hears Ross' voice and remembers a time when they were boys and Ross saved him from drowning in the sea. Francis hallucinates that Ross is there again to save him. He reaches out to grab his hand. But no one is there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross soon finds Francis, but it's too late. \"Why the hell didn't you learn to swim?!\" Valid question, but cut the guy some slack; he's dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to the funeral. Ross holds a sobbing Pinky Ring, while Demelza watches and thinks, \u003cem>FML, now they're definitely going to have sex.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> H20.\u003c/strong> Yes, we need it to survive and all, but it killed Francis. Very uncool move.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Horace the Pug.\u003c/strong> I hope he got his marzipan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Homegirl needs some sage in her life. Someone definitely has cursed her. Her dad abused her for years, her baby died, her husband gets less hot and meaner every day, and she almost had to give birth in a boat! Can she catch a break already? Or at least get a 15-minute deep tissue massage?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Pretending to be hard of hearing so you get all \u003ca href=\"http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea\">the tea\u003c/a>. Genius!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Francis. \u003c/strong>I feel bad for making fun of him so much and calling him Backstabber Cousin for weeks. He deserved a fair amount of my jokes, but he didn't deserve to drown in a puddle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "A couple makes out next to a horse's butt, someone receives a sexy sponge bath, and something really bad happens.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">Last time on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Malfoy almost gouged Ross' eyes out with his thumbs, Demelza almost gave birth in a boat, and an assortment of boring mining things happened. Will Ross call up his buddy Suge Knight and have Malfoy killed once and for all? Will Demelza finally surprise drop the album she's been working on? Will a witch transform Horace the Pug into a really hot dude that I can marry? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's not an afternoon in Cornwall if a poor person isn't being arrested. This time, it's a dude named Ted. Someone within his inner circle betrayed him. It could literally be anyone because 99% of the denizens of this county are the worst. (\u003cem>Infuriating historical side note:\u003c/em> The prick who finked on Anne Frank and co. was never discovered or persecuted. Karma is a myth.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza and Ross' brand new son is already walking, so some time has passed between episodes. Enough time for Ross to have gotten over his man baby antics? Ha! Nope! He's still doing his \u003cem>You can't tell me what to do! You're not my mom!\u003c/em> bit with Demelza. This time, they're arguing over whether it's a good idea for Ross to attend Ted's trial, considering that he's part of the same illegal trading #squad. Ross basically plugs his ears and says\u003cem> La la la, I can't hear you!\u003c/em> \u003cem>I'm going and that's that! I do what I want!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie is back after a year in London. The only reason I care is that she brought Horace the Pug with her. He seems to be in good spirits! And he's craving some marzipan. Aw, never change, dream pup!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-43355\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-again\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-1020x569.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again-520x290.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-again.jpg 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and, in case you care, Blondie's uncle is annoyed at Parliament Wannabe for not being able to seal the deal in getting Blondie to agree to marriage. What don't these men understand? A human husband is completely unnecessary when the canine variety is way cuter and far more loyal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Tarot Card Agatha has a chronic cough. Nooo! Don't you dare leave me alone with these people, you wonderful broad. If the Dowager Countess can defy science and survive long enough to be in every \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> episode, so can you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for Ted's trial because the town gallows aren't going to fill themselves. The judge wants to sentence Ted to death because why not? But -- plot twist -- Backstabber Cousin is randomly a magistrate and urges the judge to have some chill. The judge is convinced (probably due in part to the cute little wig Backstabber Cousin is wearing) and only sentences Ted to three months of hard labor, which is basically summer camp to these people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the center of town, Doc runs into a Horace-less Blondie. She's surprised all the voodoo dolls she's made in his likeness haven't had any effect on him. Someone please find a working time machine and send this girl a copy of \u003cem>He's Just Not That Into You. \u003c/em>She needs it so desperately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having heard about Tarot Card Agatha's ailment, Verity decides to come stay for a while. Tarot Card Agatha and I are both super stoked to have her back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-43357\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-800x448.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-22 at 10.42.42 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-1020x571.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-1180x660.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM-520x291.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-22-at-10.42.42-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy's uncle is snorting drugs. He's also plotting a new evil scheme. The sky is blue. (Or overcast, I guess, since this is Cornwall.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Blondie's uncle is throwing a rave to announce Blondie's engagement. Before everyone adorns themselves in glow-in-the-dark accessories and engages in whatever the 1785 version of twerking is, dinner is served. For some reason, all the couples are split up. Demelza has to deal with being bookended by Blondie's slobbering uncle and Ross' slobbering bestie from the war (who apparently doesn't own any regular clothes because he's always wearing the same uniform).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Ross is seated next to his ex, Pinky Ring. They don't waste any time bringing up how they both wish they could have sex with each other. All of a sudden, Pinky Ring is really into polyamory: \"Can not a woman love two men? Can not a man love two women?\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/yRWnIYaj6uk'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/yRWnIYaj6uk'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>After dinner, Blondie trolls Parliament Wannabe so hard that he runs away from the party. No one is bothered in the least that the engagement party is missing an engagement. Ross, Demelza, Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring all engage in a do-si-do type of dance, which involves wife swapping. Pinky Ring's poly fantasies are one step closer to coming true.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, a fight breaks out in the mine. The workers are accusing some dude named Nick of being the betrayer. Ross gets involved because that's what he loves most in the world. Apparently, Nick has a history of being a terrible human being. Remember Jim from season 1, who got thrown in jail for poaching and died of typhus before he could meet his own baby? Yeah, that was this guy's fault. And remember when Ross was on trial and was almost sentenced to death? This guy took money from Malfoy to testify against him. So, um, why did this fight take this long to happen? KILL HIM!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross just might because Nick calls him a poser and says that having sex with a \"scullery maid\" doesn't equate to knowing the first thing about the poor man's struggle. Ross promptly head butts him and then punches him in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/bHbqoou.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43554\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/bHbqoou.gif\" alt=\"bHbqoou\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is practicing his best \u003cem>Mortal Kombat\u003c/em> moves in heels again. His uncle interrupts by unveiling his latest scheme: he managed to buy a promissory note that says Ross owes £1,000. They will now use this to ruin our curly-haired hero. Here we go again... This town needs a movie theater or a bowling alley or something. Idle hands and what not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy runs over to Pinky Ring's house with yet another proposition: he won't do anything evil with the promissory note, if she becomes \"friends\" with him. That's code for third base, if not a homer. She says she'll think about it, especially now that she's poly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way out, Malfoy runs into Tarot Card Agatha, who doesn't waste any time talking smack about how she's disliked him and his terrible clothes since he was a boy. Go in, Agatha, go in!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Believing she's deaf, Malfoy says truly evil things right to her face: \"There should be a law to kill off old crones. If you were the last of the Poldarks, I'd do it myself. I hope when I next call you'll be six feet below.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOW. You can try to kill off Ross all you want, but going after my girl, Agatha? NOPE.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-43530 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/trying-to-piss-me-off-mission-dance-moms.gif\" alt=\"trying to piss me off mission dance moms\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, his bestie from the war drops in on Demelza. He basically says, \u003cem>Ross headbutted this dude, which makes it plainly obvious he's tied up in this illegal trading stuff. Make him stop or I will have to hang him. Cool? Cool. By the way, this tea is amazing. Bengal spice?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Doc runs into Blondie again. OMG, JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY. He tries walking right past her, but she stops him in his tracks by apologizing for hoping poor people die and all that jazz. He promptly forgets that she has no soul and confesses his love for her because she's pretty. Or maybe it's because shacking up with her means playing with Horace the Pug any time he wants. The second reason is totally valid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Demelza's, Ross blames her for the War BFF's visit. Surely it's her flirting that keeps him coming around and not all of his illegal troublemaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/why-are-boys-such-jerks-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43534\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/why-are-boys-such-jerks-gif.gif\" alt=\"why are boys such jerks gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"278\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin finds out about Malfoy's visit and heads off to make amends or confront him or something. No one is paying attention to Tarot Card Agatha, who says: \"Wished me dead, he did. Called me old crone. BIG mistake!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/xtina-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-43531 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/xtina-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"xtina excited gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/stevie-family-guy-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-medium wp-image-43533 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/stevie-family-guy-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"stevie family guy excited gif\" width=\"480\" height=\"320\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-medium wp-image-43532 aligncenter\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"sailor moon excited gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"391\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin drops in on Malfoy and uses a lot of words, including the term \"noxiousness,\" to get a simple message across: \u003cem>We are never ever ever getting back together. I hope you die. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, things are VERY WEIRD. Despite the fact that he just accused Demelza of being a flirty floozy, she's giving him a sponge bath. Ross keeps bobbing up and down and making I'm-getting-an-underwater-hand-job faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43535\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-800x445.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 10.53.13 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1180x656.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-960x534.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.53.13-PM.png 1659w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43536\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 10.51.37 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-160x88.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-768x423.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-1020x562.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-1180x650.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-960x529.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-240x132.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-375x207.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM-520x286.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-10.51.37-PM.png 1674w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Good for him, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's not the only one getting it on. In a forest, Doc meets up with Blondie. He confesses to being socially awkward and she's like, \u003cem>OMG, me too!\u003c/em> Then they make out next to a horse's butt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-43537\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-800x444.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-23 at 11.06.30 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1020x566.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1180x655.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM-520x289.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-23-at-11.06.30-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Early the next morning, Backstabber Cousin tenderly caresses a sleeping Pinky Ring. Their son wakes up and Backstabber Cousin says, \"I'll be home in time to read you a story.\" Hmm. That sure seems like when a character in a horror movie says they'll be right back and then they get butchered. Is he really about to get killed off?! Oh, boy, now I feel bad about all the jokes I've made at his expense.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin, who I will now call by his real name Francis, heads to the mine and thinks he's found copper! So he hurries over to Ross' to tell him the good news and at long last get his cousin's approval. Ross isn't home though, but Demelza is. Francis delivers a touching speech about how she shouldn't be so hard on herself and how she's just as good as Pinky Ring and Ross is lucky to have found her. Okay, yeah, he's definitely going to die today.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's, Doc has diagnosed Tarot Card Agatha's ailment. Turns out she was just faking to get Verity to come back. So many tricks up her octogenarian sleeve! When confronted, Agatha is like, \u003cem>Okay, you got me! I really like slumber parties and will do or say whatever I need to do or say to arrange one! Sue me! Oh, and P.S. my tarot cards say something really F-ed up is about to happen.\u003c/em> No one believes her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down in the mine, Francis finds evidence of copper. He traces it on the wall and follows it deeper and deeper into the mine until he falls into a random puddle just like last season, only this time Ross isn't there to help fish him out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Above ground, Ross finds out about Malfoy's latest attempt at ruining him. He must repay the loan in full or risk debtor's prison. Before he and Demelza can properly freak out, news that Francis is missing reaches them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They rush to the mine and find Francis' hat and jacket. Ross rushes down there and calls out for him. Francis hears Ross' voice and remembers a time when they were boys and Ross saved him from drowning in the sea. Francis hallucinates that Ross is there again to save him. He reaches out to grab his hand. But no one is there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross soon finds Francis, but it's too late. \"Why the hell didn't you learn to swim?!\" Valid question, but cut the guy some slack; he's dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to the funeral. Ross holds a sobbing Pinky Ring, while Demelza watches and thinks, \u003cem>FML, now they're definitely going to have sex.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> H20.\u003c/strong> Yes, we need it to survive and all, but it killed Francis. Very uncool move.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Horace the Pug.\u003c/strong> I hope he got his marzipan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Homegirl needs some sage in her life. Someone definitely has cursed her. Her dad abused her for years, her baby died, her husband gets less hot and meaner every day, and she almost had to give birth in a boat! Can she catch a break already? Or at least get a 15-minute deep tissue massage?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Pretending to be hard of hearing so you get all \u003ca href=\"http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea\">the tea\u003c/a>. Genius!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Francis. \u003c/strong>I feel bad for making fun of him so much and calling him Backstabber Cousin for weeks. He deserved a fair amount of my jokes, but he didn't deserve to drown in a puddle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/17/poldark-season-2-episode-3-recap-miss-independent/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">Last time on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Malfoy discovered his love for boxing in heels, Tarot Card Agatha couldn't find her booze at a party, and Ross revealed himself to be just as much of a prick as everyone else in Cornwall by treating his pregnant wife like crap for no reason. Will Demelza dump Ross to become a pop star in London? Will Horace the Pug be the ring bearer at Doc and Blondie's inevitable wedding? Will everyone on this show stop talking about mining all the time 'cause it's boring and no one cares? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We start things off at a very Instagram-able cliff edge (where else?). Some men are being taken to prison for trading booze illegally. Never one to pass up an opportunity to loudly express his social opinions, Ross pops up out of nowhere to yell, \u003cem>Power to the people! Down with the Man! Bernie 2016! \u003c/em>Demelza advises him to give it a rest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Demelza takes a small boat out to sea for an afternoon of fishing. When your life sucks this much and your husband's hotness is swiftly being cancelled out by his ugly attitude, picking up a new hobby is the only thing to do. Meanwhile, underground somewhere, Ross and his workers all realize for the umpteenth time that they suck at mining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is still training in heels for his imminent brawl with Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42219\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-800x447.png\" alt=\"poldark fight heels george\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-1440x804.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I'm glad that he is because that means I can re-share my Photoshop imagining of his drag persona, Hisstina Snakespeare.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39601\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg\" alt=\"hisstina-snakespeare\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different mansion, Blondie is throwing a tantrum about how Doc hasn't called since he took that fish bone out of her throat three months ago. Three whole months! You don't need to be a doctor to diagnose this case of He's Just Not That Into You as lethal. Blondie doesn't get it though and writes a letter ordering him to come hang out with her. She ends with a passive-aggressive \"Unless, of course, you have more important matters to attend...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He does. Miners, fishermen and basically anyone without a trust fund is coming down with a weird disease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road back to chez Ross, Demelza is carrying her fish bounty, when she runs into Pinky Ring, the patron saint of spoiled walks. Pinky Ring goes from zero to insufferable in two seconds flat: \u003cem>You probably shouldn't be fishing because \u003cstrong>a.\u003c/strong> the strong current, \u003cstrong>b.\u003c/strong> your husband didn't give you permission, \u003cstrong>c.\u003c/strong> you're pregnant, which means you can't do anything meaningful for nine months, and \u003cstrong>d.\u003c/strong> you're a woman, which means you should stick to drinking too much tea and staring longingly out of windows. \u003c/em>Demelza thinks back on the conversation she overheard between Pinky Ring and Ross and counters all of Pinky Ring's points with a look that roughly translates to: \u003cem>\u003cstrong>A.\u003c/strong> I, \u003cstrong>b.\u003c/strong> will, \u003cstrong>c.\u003c/strong> cut, \u003cstrong>d.\u003c/strong> you.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Ross runs into Malfoy. Despite all his training in heels, Hisstina is like, \u003cem>Eeeek! Get me outta here!!\u003c/em> Ross shares his intentions of giving Malfoy a killer wedgie sometime in the near future. Malfoy runs home and checks to make sure his pistol is where he left it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross catches Demelza preparing all the fish she caught. He is thrilled that Demelza is so resourceful and independent. He thanks her for putting food on their table (something he hasn't been able to do for some time), apologizes for everything, and kisses her like he means it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, none of that happens. He yells at her instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You went out in the boat?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No, I whistled and they came dancing at me out the waves.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Have you no sense?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, and an extra mouth to feed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One good thing about dating a jerk: you get really good at delivering well-crafted comebacks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is playing around with a metal detector, just in case you forgot what a nerd he is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Demelza is in town hanging out with Verity (welcome back, girlfriend!). Verity is overall happy with her new life (she gets to travel to Lisbon whenever she wants!), but she's bummed that her husband's two grown children and her own brother don't want anything to do with her. Speak of the Devil and he shall appear: Her brother materializes and promptly shuns her. Oh, Verity, you're better off! Yacht parties off the coast of Portugal > anything involving being a stepmom or being related to your metal-detecting brother.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another round of pushy letters from Blondie, Doc finally is like, \u003cem>Fiiiine, I'll come over.\u003c/em> Blondie doesn't waste any time letting him know how annoyed she is that he cares more about ailing poor people than her, a rich lady with no problems. She then shows him how wide she can open her mouth so he can examine her three-month-old fish bone injury and also get a few ideas in his head, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out she's completely fine. (You don't say!) They get to talking about all the poor people suffering from scurvy. Doc wishes it was easier for these people to access the kind of nutrients they need. Blondie wishes they would just die. No, really, she does:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Why do they not spend less on gin and more on oranges? Will you do any good by attempting to save these people? They'll only multiply. And then there will be more mouths to feed. Of course, it's sad to see them die, but at least it keeps the numbers in check.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc says, \u003cem>You are the absolute worst and I hope you get scurvy someday\u003c/em>, in the most polite British way possible. He also makes all of these faces:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/raw-9.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42245\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/raw-9.gif\" alt=\"disgusted gif\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and Horace the Pug is there for all of it and remains more adorable than all human children that have ever been born:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42246\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-800x444.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-800x444.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-400x222.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a mine shareholders meeting, Malfoy's Slytherin Crony sabotages Ross (again) and announces that he's bought out one of the other shareholders (again). Zzzzzz.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy spots Pinky Ring galloping past from his window and chases her down. \u003cem>Hang out with meeee! Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with meeee?! \u003c/em>She takes pity on him and agrees to have some tea (British people must be very hydrated). He makes her regret her kindness by basically telling her, \u003cem>Be my whore or I will destroy your husband and your beloved ex.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, some neighbor we've never met stops by with a proposition. If Ross will let him unload his illegal goods at his beach, the neighbor will pay him handsomely. Demelza knows this will lead to another trial and maybe an execution this time. Since women of the 1700s aren't allowed to disagree with their husbands in front of company, she must resort to convincing him that this is a terrible idea through glaring:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42248\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-800x448.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-16 at 7.07.16 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-400x224.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-1440x806.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-1180x660.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42247\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-19.gif\" alt=\"giphy (19)\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It doesn't work. Coming soon to Netflix:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"orange-is-the-new-poldark\" width=\"386\" height=\"477\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because she just can't take a hint, Blondie heads on over to Doc's house. At that very moment, he's leaving with a basket of apples for the people with scurvy. Will she redeem herself with an empathetic comment? Nah. \"Do your patients enjoy worms and mold?\" Money can't buy you flirting skills, that's for sure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Verity's, her sea captain hubby has a surprise. \u003cem>Guess what, Verity? My children, who loathe your very existence, are coming over for a slumber party! \u003c/em>Verity is YAY on the outside, VORTEX OF PUKE AND DREAD on the inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-20.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42257\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-20.gif\" alt=\"giphy (20)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross is kicking it with some of his homeboys. All the women are isolated to the kitchen because patriarchy. The Boys Club is considering a plan that involves letting Malfoy have Ross' mine and opening a brand new one 'cause they've proven themselves to be so good at mining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross comes into the kitchen, Demelza asks what they're planning. Ross is like, \u003cem>No need to worry your little female brain. I'll tell you some other time, if I feel like it. Oh, and by the way, I'm going down to help transport all those illegal goods tonight.\u003c/em> Let this be a lesson to us all: Don't marry a dude you barely know just because he's hot. Do a background check and also find out if he's a feminist first.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and the smugglers almost get caught, but don't. He returns home, feeling himself for a crime well done. Demelza GOES ALL THE WAY OFF:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42258\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-800x449.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-mad-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"449\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-400x225.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-1440x809.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark.jpg 1673w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>TL;DR version:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's cool for you to do illegal things that jeopardize our family, but when I go fishing so we'll have something to eat, that's a problem? You don't have to consider my opinion ever, but I always have to do as I'm told? GO F YOURSELF!!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42259\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\" alt=\"preach\" width=\"310\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Doc receives a delivery of oranges. So Blondie isn't completely evil after all! Before we can get used to that idea, she says more cringe-worthy stuff when Doc stops by to thank her: \"You don't imagine I care about the fate of a few fish wives, do you? Now you're under obligation to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/oprah-smh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42267\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/oprah-smh-gif.gif\" alt=\"oprah smh gif\" width=\"325\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At yet another mine shareholders meeting (zzzzz), Malfoy has decided to take Slytherin Crony's place so he can hasten the inevitable fist fight with Ross. Sometimes the anticipation of getting your jaw broken can be worse than the jaw breaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But it won't be today. Ross storms out and gallops very quickly to his accountant's office. He plans to sell half of his shares in the mine and use the money to open a new mine with his cousin. Backstabber Cousin is down, but wants to be totally honest about how he leaked all kinds of info to Malfoy last season, which led to great ruin for Ross. But Ross stops him: \u003cem>It's in the past! I'm sure it's nothing serious! Whatever! \u003c/em>Ignorance is bliss, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the deal is finalized, Ross heads to the pub to celebrate. Obviously, Malfoy is there. He immediately gloats about his takeover of Ross' mine and also reveals all the details of how Backstabber Cousin helped ruin Ross. Fight! Fight! Fight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they do! Ross seems to be the one to bet on, but all those boxing lessons have turned Malfoy into a killing machine! Don't believe me? Witness his attempt at gouging Ross' eyes out with his thumbs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42275\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-800x446.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-16 at 9.41.11 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-768x428.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-1180x658.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-960x535.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM.png 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So who won? Let's analyze all the assaulting, shall we?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy's landed hits:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A cane wack to Ross' head.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A knee to Ross' family jewels.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>The aforementioned eye gouge.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A smack to Ross' face.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' landed hits:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A dramatic shove.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A wall slam.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>An elbow to Malfoy's face.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Two gut punches.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Two face punches.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A fight-ending shove into a table.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Ross is victorious!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, the sea captain's daughter arrives early. Verity is a nervous wreck. And she should be because this girl is not here to make nice. Stepdaughter basically says, \u003cem>You're so much uglier than my mom. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM AND NEVER WILL BE!!! \u003c/em>It's basically the first part of Julia Roberts'\u003cem> Stepmom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a dock, Ross gets medical treatment from Doc and chit chats with Verity's husband. \u003cem>And then he tried to gouge my eyes out with his thumbs! \u003c/em>Backstabber Cousin runs over to be part of the cool crowd and immediately freaks out upon seeing his sister's husband a.k.a. the dude that shot him in the neck that one time. Before Backstabber Cousin can run away like he usually does, Ross gives him a loaded look that says, \u003cem>I know what you did. If I can forgive you for that evil stuff, you can forgive this dude for maybe killing his first wife, almost killing you in a duel, and taking your sister's virginity. \u003c/em>Backstabber Cousin thinks about it and then decides, \u003cem>Ok.\u003c/em>\u003cem> Cool.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out on the open sea, Demelza is fishing again. Might seem boring to some, but what if I told you she was fishing WHILE IN LABOR? Not sure if the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writer meant for this to be hilarious or not, but, after a painful contraction, Demelza says, \"Ooo, time to go! Time to go.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Verity's, the sea captain comes home and Verity hysterically tells him, \u003cem>Nu uh, no way, ma'am, I am not meeting any more of your children. Your evil daughter despises me! \u003c/em>Which turns out to be an awkward thing to say, seeing as his son is right in the hallway, but it's all good 'cause said son is chill and just wants some rum. Booze, bringing families together since 1784.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross returns home, but Demelza isn't there. He soon finds out she went fishing without permission again and he's red-hot mad. He finds her about to reach shore and immediately starts yelling at her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You are the most stubborn, pig-headed...!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, I am?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Where would you be if I hadn't come along?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Where would \u003cem>you\u003c/em> be if I hadn't come along? Drinking and brawling and dodging the noose. You're hateful!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You're infuriating!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She then promptly gives birth to a son. Ross' anger-management problems evaporate because OMG a male heir!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"lc eyeroll gif\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blondie passes by Doc's place of work to announce that she's moving back to London: \"I must return to civilization. One can only take so many barbarians.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Okay-girl-bye-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42284\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Okay-girl-bye-GIF.gif\" alt=\"Okay-girl-bye-GIF\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Demelza, Ross, Pinky Ring, Backstabber Cousin, Verity, and the Sea Captain all drink to celebrate the new mine, like one big, happy family. How long before they start selling each other's secrets and shooting each other in the neck again? I give it three episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Blondie.\u003c/strong> It wouldn't have been the worst thing if that fish bone had severed her vocal cords. Also, how much do you wanna bet that she's an ancestor of Ann Coulter?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Whoever Convinced Blondie to Move Back to London:\u003c/strong> Good job! I love you! Now convince her to leave Horace behind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>He steals every scene he's in. This show could just be 58 minutes of him doing various pug things and I would have zero complaints.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Glad she's back. Wish Xanax had been invented in her day; she could certainly use some.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>She took multi-tasking to a whole new level with that whole fishing and giving birth at the same time thing. Kudos!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Someone tries to gouge someone else's eyes out with their thumbs. What else do you need to know?",
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"description": "Someone tries to gouge someone else's eyes out with their thumbs. What else do you need to know?",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent | KQED",
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"headline": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent",
"datePublished": "2016-10-17T00:13:46-07:00",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">Last time on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Malfoy discovered his love for boxing in heels, Tarot Card Agatha couldn't find her booze at a party, and Ross revealed himself to be just as much of a prick as everyone else in Cornwall by treating his pregnant wife like crap for no reason. Will Demelza dump Ross to become a pop star in London? Will Horace the Pug be the ring bearer at Doc and Blondie's inevitable wedding? Will everyone on this show stop talking about mining all the time 'cause it's boring and no one cares? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We start things off at a very Instagram-able cliff edge (where else?). Some men are being taken to prison for trading booze illegally. Never one to pass up an opportunity to loudly express his social opinions, Ross pops up out of nowhere to yell, \u003cem>Power to the people! Down with the Man! Bernie 2016! \u003c/em>Demelza advises him to give it a rest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Demelza takes a small boat out to sea for an afternoon of fishing. When your life sucks this much and your husband's hotness is swiftly being cancelled out by his ugly attitude, picking up a new hobby is the only thing to do. Meanwhile, underground somewhere, Ross and his workers all realize for the umpteenth time that they suck at mining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy is still training in heels for his imminent brawl with Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42219\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-800x447.png\" alt=\"poldark fight heels george\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-1440x804.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-3.20.56-PM.png 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I'm glad that he is because that means I can re-share my Photoshop imagining of his drag persona, Hisstina Snakespeare.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39601\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg\" alt=\"hisstina-snakespeare\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different mansion, Blondie is throwing a tantrum about how Doc hasn't called since he took that fish bone out of her throat three months ago. Three whole months! You don't need to be a doctor to diagnose this case of He's Just Not That Into You as lethal. Blondie doesn't get it though and writes a letter ordering him to come hang out with her. She ends with a passive-aggressive \"Unless, of course, you have more important matters to attend...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He does. Miners, fishermen and basically anyone without a trust fund is coming down with a weird disease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road back to chez Ross, Demelza is carrying her fish bounty, when she runs into Pinky Ring, the patron saint of spoiled walks. Pinky Ring goes from zero to insufferable in two seconds flat: \u003cem>You probably shouldn't be fishing because \u003cstrong>a.\u003c/strong> the strong current, \u003cstrong>b.\u003c/strong> your husband didn't give you permission, \u003cstrong>c.\u003c/strong> you're pregnant, which means you can't do anything meaningful for nine months, and \u003cstrong>d.\u003c/strong> you're a woman, which means you should stick to drinking too much tea and staring longingly out of windows. \u003c/em>Demelza thinks back on the conversation she overheard between Pinky Ring and Ross and counters all of Pinky Ring's points with a look that roughly translates to: \u003cem>\u003cstrong>A.\u003c/strong> I, \u003cstrong>b.\u003c/strong> will, \u003cstrong>c.\u003c/strong> cut, \u003cstrong>d.\u003c/strong> you.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Ross runs into Malfoy. Despite all his training in heels, Hisstina is like, \u003cem>Eeeek! Get me outta here!!\u003c/em> Ross shares his intentions of giving Malfoy a killer wedgie sometime in the near future. Malfoy runs home and checks to make sure his pistol is where he left it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Ross catches Demelza preparing all the fish she caught. He is thrilled that Demelza is so resourceful and independent. He thanks her for putting food on their table (something he hasn't been able to do for some time), apologizes for everything, and kisses her like he means it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, none of that happens. He yells at her instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You went out in the boat?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"No, I whistled and they came dancing at me out the waves.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Have you no sense?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, and an extra mouth to feed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One good thing about dating a jerk: you get really good at delivering well-crafted comebacks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is playing around with a metal detector, just in case you forgot what a nerd he is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Demelza is in town hanging out with Verity (welcome back, girlfriend!). Verity is overall happy with her new life (she gets to travel to Lisbon whenever she wants!), but she's bummed that her husband's two grown children and her own brother don't want anything to do with her. Speak of the Devil and he shall appear: Her brother materializes and promptly shuns her. Oh, Verity, you're better off! Yacht parties off the coast of Portugal > anything involving being a stepmom or being related to your metal-detecting brother.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another round of pushy letters from Blondie, Doc finally is like, \u003cem>Fiiiine, I'll come over.\u003c/em> Blondie doesn't waste any time letting him know how annoyed she is that he cares more about ailing poor people than her, a rich lady with no problems. She then shows him how wide she can open her mouth so he can examine her three-month-old fish bone injury and also get a few ideas in his head, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out she's completely fine. (You don't say!) They get to talking about all the poor people suffering from scurvy. Doc wishes it was easier for these people to access the kind of nutrients they need. Blondie wishes they would just die. No, really, she does:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Why do they not spend less on gin and more on oranges? Will you do any good by attempting to save these people? They'll only multiply. And then there will be more mouths to feed. Of course, it's sad to see them die, but at least it keeps the numbers in check.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc says, \u003cem>You are the absolute worst and I hope you get scurvy someday\u003c/em>, in the most polite British way possible. He also makes all of these faces:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/raw-9.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42245\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/raw-9.gif\" alt=\"disgusted gif\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and Horace the Pug is there for all of it and remains more adorable than all human children that have ever been born:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42246\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-800x444.jpg\" alt=\"horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-800x444.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-400x222.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-the-pug-poldark-heart-emoji.jpg 1226w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a mine shareholders meeting, Malfoy's Slytherin Crony sabotages Ross (again) and announces that he's bought out one of the other shareholders (again). Zzzzzz.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy spots Pinky Ring galloping past from his window and chases her down. \u003cem>Hang out with meeee! Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with meeee?! \u003c/em>She takes pity on him and agrees to have some tea (British people must be very hydrated). He makes her regret her kindness by basically telling her, \u003cem>Be my whore or I will destroy your husband and your beloved ex.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, some neighbor we've never met stops by with a proposition. If Ross will let him unload his illegal goods at his beach, the neighbor will pay him handsomely. Demelza knows this will lead to another trial and maybe an execution this time. Since women of the 1700s aren't allowed to disagree with their husbands in front of company, she must resort to convincing him that this is a terrible idea through glaring:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42248\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-800x448.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-16 at 7.07.16 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-400x224.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-1440x806.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-1180x660.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM-960x537.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-7.07.16-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42247\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-19.gif\" alt=\"giphy (19)\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It doesn't work. Coming soon to Netflix:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"orange-is-the-new-poldark\" width=\"386\" height=\"477\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because she just can't take a hint, Blondie heads on over to Doc's house. At that very moment, he's leaving with a basket of apples for the people with scurvy. Will she redeem herself with an empathetic comment? Nah. \"Do your patients enjoy worms and mold?\" Money can't buy you flirting skills, that's for sure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Verity's, her sea captain hubby has a surprise. \u003cem>Guess what, Verity? My children, who loathe your very existence, are coming over for a slumber party! \u003c/em>Verity is YAY on the outside, VORTEX OF PUKE AND DREAD on the inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-20.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42257\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/giphy-20.gif\" alt=\"giphy (20)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross is kicking it with some of his homeboys. All the women are isolated to the kitchen because patriarchy. The Boys Club is considering a plan that involves letting Malfoy have Ross' mine and opening a brand new one 'cause they've proven themselves to be so good at mining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross comes into the kitchen, Demelza asks what they're planning. Ross is like, \u003cem>No need to worry your little female brain. I'll tell you some other time, if I feel like it. Oh, and by the way, I'm going down to help transport all those illegal goods tonight.\u003c/em> Let this be a lesson to us all: Don't marry a dude you barely know just because he's hot. Do a background check and also find out if he's a feminist first.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and the smugglers almost get caught, but don't. He returns home, feeling himself for a crime well done. Demelza GOES ALL THE WAY OFF:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42258\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-800x449.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-mad-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"449\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-800x449.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-400x225.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-1440x809.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-1180x663.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark-960x539.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/demelza-mad-poldark.jpg 1673w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>TL;DR version:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's cool for you to do illegal things that jeopardize our family, but when I go fishing so we'll have something to eat, that's a problem? You don't have to consider my opinion ever, but I always have to do as I'm told? GO F YOURSELF!!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42259\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/preach.gif\" alt=\"preach\" width=\"310\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Doc receives a delivery of oranges. So Blondie isn't completely evil after all! Before we can get used to that idea, she says more cringe-worthy stuff when Doc stops by to thank her: \"You don't imagine I care about the fate of a few fish wives, do you? Now you're under obligation to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/oprah-smh-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42267\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/oprah-smh-gif.gif\" alt=\"oprah smh gif\" width=\"325\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At yet another mine shareholders meeting (zzzzz), Malfoy has decided to take Slytherin Crony's place so he can hasten the inevitable fist fight with Ross. Sometimes the anticipation of getting your jaw broken can be worse than the jaw breaking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But it won't be today. Ross storms out and gallops very quickly to his accountant's office. He plans to sell half of his shares in the mine and use the money to open a new mine with his cousin. Backstabber Cousin is down, but wants to be totally honest about how he leaked all kinds of info to Malfoy last season, which led to great ruin for Ross. But Ross stops him: \u003cem>It's in the past! I'm sure it's nothing serious! Whatever! \u003c/em>Ignorance is bliss, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the deal is finalized, Ross heads to the pub to celebrate. Obviously, Malfoy is there. He immediately gloats about his takeover of Ross' mine and also reveals all the details of how Backstabber Cousin helped ruin Ross. Fight! Fight! Fight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they do! Ross seems to be the one to bet on, but all those boxing lessons have turned Malfoy into a killing machine! Don't believe me? Witness his attempt at gouging Ross' eyes out with his thumbs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-42275\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-800x446.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-10-16 at 9.41.11 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-768x428.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-1180x658.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM-960x535.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Screen-Shot-2016-10-16-at-9.41.11-PM.png 1232w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So who won? Let's analyze all the assaulting, shall we?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy's landed hits:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A cane wack to Ross' head.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A knee to Ross' family jewels.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>The aforementioned eye gouge.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A smack to Ross' face.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' landed hits:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>A dramatic shove.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A wall slam.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>An elbow to Malfoy's face.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Two gut punches.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Two face punches.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>A fight-ending shove into a table.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Ross is victorious!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, the sea captain's daughter arrives early. Verity is a nervous wreck. And she should be because this girl is not here to make nice. Stepdaughter basically says, \u003cem>You're so much uglier than my mom. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM AND NEVER WILL BE!!! \u003c/em>It's basically the first part of Julia Roberts'\u003cem> Stepmom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a dock, Ross gets medical treatment from Doc and chit chats with Verity's husband. \u003cem>And then he tried to gouge my eyes out with his thumbs! \u003c/em>Backstabber Cousin runs over to be part of the cool crowd and immediately freaks out upon seeing his sister's husband a.k.a. the dude that shot him in the neck that one time. Before Backstabber Cousin can run away like he usually does, Ross gives him a loaded look that says, \u003cem>I know what you did. If I can forgive you for that evil stuff, you can forgive this dude for maybe killing his first wife, almost killing you in a duel, and taking your sister's virginity. \u003c/em>Backstabber Cousin thinks about it and then decides, \u003cem>Ok.\u003c/em>\u003cem> Cool.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out on the open sea, Demelza is fishing again. Might seem boring to some, but what if I told you she was fishing WHILE IN LABOR? Not sure if the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writer meant for this to be hilarious or not, but, after a painful contraction, Demelza says, \"Ooo, time to go! Time to go.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Verity's, the sea captain comes home and Verity hysterically tells him, \u003cem>Nu uh, no way, ma'am, I am not meeting any more of your children. Your evil daughter despises me! \u003c/em>Which turns out to be an awkward thing to say, seeing as his son is right in the hallway, but it's all good 'cause said son is chill and just wants some rum. Booze, bringing families together since 1784.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross returns home, but Demelza isn't there. He soon finds out she went fishing without permission again and he's red-hot mad. He finds her about to reach shore and immediately starts yelling at her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You are the most stubborn, pig-headed...!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, I am?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Where would you be if I hadn't come along?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Where would \u003cem>you\u003c/em> be if I hadn't come along? Drinking and brawling and dodging the noose. You're hateful!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"You're infuriating!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She then promptly gives birth to a son. Ross' anger-management problems evaporate because OMG a male heir!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"lc eyeroll gif\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blondie passes by Doc's place of work to announce that she's moving back to London: \"I must return to civilization. One can only take so many barbarians.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Okay-girl-bye-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42284\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/Okay-girl-bye-GIF.gif\" alt=\"Okay-girl-bye-GIF\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Demelza, Ross, Pinky Ring, Backstabber Cousin, Verity, and the Sea Captain all drink to celebrate the new mine, like one big, happy family. How long before they start selling each other's secrets and shooting each other in the neck again? I give it three episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Blondie.\u003c/strong> It wouldn't have been the worst thing if that fish bone had severed her vocal cords. Also, how much do you wanna bet that she's an ancestor of Ann Coulter?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Whoever Convinced Blondie to Move Back to London:\u003c/strong> Good job! I love you! Now convince her to leave Horace behind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>He steals every scene he's in. This show could just be 58 minutes of him doing various pug things and I would have zero complaints.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Glad she's back. Wish Xanax had been invented in her day; she could certainly use some.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>She took multi-tasking to a whole new level with that whole fishing and giving birth at the same time thing. Kudos!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/02/poldark-season-2-episode-2-recap-you-dont-bring-me-flowers/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">last week's season premiere\u003c/a>, the rich people of Cornwall almost hanged Ross, the poor people of Cornwall threw feces in someone's face, and Backstabber Cousin almost killed himself because even he can't stand the things he does and says. Will Demelza find ridiculous ways to hide her pregnancy from Ross \u003ca href=\"http://www.tvguide.com/news/scandal-ridiculous-ways-hide-kerry-washington-pregnancy-1080017/\">à la\u003cem> Scandal\u003c/em>\u003c/a>? Will Tarot Card Agatha go on a rant about how NASA is now saying that \u003ca href=\"http://time.com/4507672/nasa-on-zodiac-signs/\">all our star signs are apparently different than what we thought\u003c/a>? Will this entire episode be from the perspective of Horace the Pug (PLEASE)? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We kick things off with Malfoy practicing for his inevitable fist fight with Ross... in heels. A drag queen is born! Rupaul is proud and wants Malfoy to audition for the next season of \u003cem>Drag Race\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39551\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2.gif\" alt=\"111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2\" width=\"500\" height=\"347\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39552\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-800x440.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-09-30 at 3.40.26 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-800x440.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-400x220.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-768x422.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-1440x792.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-1180x649.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-960x528.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy thinks, \u003cem>You know what? That's not a terrible idea. Cornwall is miserably cold and everyone thinks I'm a loser for not being able to get Ross hanged, so why not try pursuing a drag career?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, without further ado, meet Hisstina Snakespeare:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39601\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg\" alt=\"hisstina-snakespeare\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Mr. Pigpen is trying to make amends for his contribution to the \u003cem>Let's Murder Ross!\u003c/em> campaign. His interaction with Ross goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg\" alt=\"mean girls are you still mad\" width=\"500\" height=\"500\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg 500w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-400x400.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross receives a letter from one of his investors, which basically reads like the lyrics to Rihanna's \"Bitch Betta Have My Money.\" He has a few days to pay back £1,000. I converted how much that would be in today's money and it's around £56,000, so yeah, he's screwed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza walks in and Ross opens up about all his troubles because open communication is a cornerstone of any healthy marriage. Actually, that doesn't happen at all. Ross gives her the cold shoulder and acts like the rabbit from \u003cem>Alice in Wonderland\u003c/em>, in a rush, with zero time for Demelza or the secret baby growing inside of her. He leaves without touching or kissing her. All that constant sex had to dry up at some point, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross attends a quarterly meeting of his mine's shareholders. The news is bad (as always) and Ross' message stays the same: \u003cem>If we can find a bunch of copper, it'll all be good! \u003c/em>Uh, yeah, that's generally how mining works. Ross is really lucky he's hot because his business acumen leaves something to be desired.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza is minding her business when Ross' friend from the war gallops up. He wants to drink rum with her. Demelza knows this will make her seem whorish in the eyes of the Cornish, but thinks \u003cem>Screw it! Imma do me!\u003c/em> 'cause her husband hasn't touched her in weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out War BFF wants Demelza to help Blondie's uncle's sick cow (???). Why would he assume Demelza knows anything about veterinary medicine? Is 'sick cow' a euphemism for something dirty? And how does War BFF even know Blondie's uncle?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before we can get answers to these questions, Ross walks in and throws a passive-aggressive hissy fit. How dare Demelza be hospitable to one of his best friends?! He bets she has the hots for Blondie's uncle too! He storms out. Demelza resists breaking a bottle over his head and instead opts for the tried-and-true weapon of all wronged pacifists: the side-eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39739\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"sideeye-demelza-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg 1672w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie looks out from her coach and says, \u003cem>Ewww, poverty!\u003c/em> Parliament Wannabe pleads with her to return to London, where she won't have to stomach such \"loathsome sights.\" Blondie spots her crush, Doc, talking to some street urchins, and brainstorms potential couple-name portmanteaus. Blondoc? Dlocdie? Hmm, needs work, but there's no time for that now because it's that part of the episode where we get to revel in the cute overload of Horace the Pug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39740\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x447.jpg\" alt=\"horace\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1440x804.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Backstabber Cousin is a walking, talking personification of the end of that sad egg Zoloft commercial.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39748\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-800x525.jpg\" alt=\"zoloft-francis-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"525\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-800x525.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-400x262.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-768x504.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark.jpg 852w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's loving life again, working hard in the fields, kicking it with his son, and no longer metaphorically shoving middle fingers in Pinky Ring's face for no reason all day long. Huzzah!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side of this coin, Malfoy/Hisstina is the walking, talking personification of the beginning of that sad egg Zoloft commercial. You see, Pinky Ring declined an invitation and still doesn't want to have sex with him. And all the money he spent on getting Parliament Wannabe elected isn't really coming to much. But -- take heart! -- there is something that always gets his spirits up: messing with Ross. He hatches a plan that involves Mr. Pigpen in some way. Uh-oh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the ranch, Demelza busts into Ross' office, puts her hands on her hips, and asks:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-serious-right-now-kanye-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39914\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-serious-right-now-kanye-gif.gif\" alt=\"are you serious right now kanye gif\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He replies that he is. He also suggests that, because Demelza is a common miner's daughter, she might not be able to control her lust around War BFF's fancy uniform. Does anyone have an Advil? I can't take much more of this man-baby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39750\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\" alt=\"tiffany new york\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza and her cute, shy puppy are like, \u003cem>Forget this! We're out of here!\u003c/em> They don't get very far before running into Pinky Ring, who doesn't waste any time getting into full-on gossip mode. \u003cem>Hey, girl! How's Ross handling the post-trial blues? And is he excited about your pregnancy? OMG, you haven't told him?! Well, sorry I kind of, sort of killed your first baby. Anyway, TTYL. Bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, after pulling an all-nighter in the mine, Ross approaches Demelza and wants to apologize, not for treating her like the crap that was thrown into Parliament Wannabe's face last episode, but because he needs to sell all her nice things to pay off his loan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Saint Demelza hatches another plan to save Ross' butt. She heads over to Blondie's uncle's house, takes one look at his sick cow and is like, \u003cem>Dump this one and get a new one. You can have mine... for a price. \u003c/em>(See what she did there?) He creepily touches her face and then just goes ahead and grabs her butt. (See what he did there?) The price will be one roll in the hay. Demelza counter-offers:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39758\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625-1.gif\" alt=\"my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625 (1)\" width=\"210\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess he likes it rough because he agrees to buy the cow. Ross and Demelza go into town to sell basically everything else they own: their chickens, pigs, goats, carpets, plates, and candle holders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emboldened by all the jiu-jitsu training he's been doing in pumps, Malfoy decides it's a good idea to strut on over to them and tell Ross the trial has made him look like crap. Demelza pulls Ross away and prevents this from taking place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sub-zero-fatality-mortal-kombat.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39759\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sub-zero-fatality-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"sub zero fatality mortal kombat\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Blondie approaches Doc and says, \"I have a tingling... in my throat.\" Mmhmm, I bet you do. He gives her all the I'm-just-not-that-into-you vibes, with a dash of you're-a-snob-and-a-half thrown in for good measure, and walks off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the woods, Mr. Pigpen is taking a stroll after a productive day at the bar when the two evil dudes who bribed him to testify against Ross jump out of the brush. They don't want their money back (they have plenty); they just want to kick all his organs in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross is making faces about the dinner Demelza cooked for him. She's like, \u003cem>Dude, you sold all our animals and pots and pans and plates and things. What did you expect? \u003c/em>Before she can reveal that she's not only pregnant but also filing for divorce, Twitter blows up with the news of Mr. Pigpen's death!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, everyone stands around Mr. Pigpen's dead body, as Mrs. Pigpen has a depressive mental breakdown. This evolves into an irate mental breakdown when the people who found his body reveal that he had 15 gold coins on him, and further evolves into a consumerist mental breakdown.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross reminisces about the time Mr. Pigpen taught him how to smoke when he was a child. Cool memory. Then, it finally dawns on him that the money was probably a bribe for testifying at the trial. I wish Ross was smarter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Malfoy's Manor, he's in drag again, practicing punching in a mirror. You better work, Hisstina Snakespeare!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/rupaul-you-better-work.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39839\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/rupaul-you-better-work.gif\" alt=\"rupaul you better work\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza decide to make amends with Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring because it'll piss Malfoy off. They happen upon Backstabber Cousin as he's scything. It's just like that time Ross was scything shirtless, only with absolutely zero-percent sex appeal. Now that they've reconciled, Backstabber Cousin is the end of that sad egg Zoloft commercial, but at double speed. He throws a block party and everyone twerks, dabs and dougies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy gets word that his henchmen murdered Mr. Pigpen. They were only supposed to paralyze him! Now Malfoy is smoking-weed-for-the-first-time paranoid. Ross is going to kill him!! He's probably outside right now!! And the government probably has his room tapped!! There's a knock at the door. Malfoy grabs his pistol. But it's just Parliament Wannabe. Hisstina Snakespeare lives to lip-sync another day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Blondie pretends to be sick so she can be treated by Doc and then promptly lose her virginity to him. But who cares about that? Horace the Pug is getting more screen time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39840\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-1440x803.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug.jpg 1677w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the party, Backstabber Cousin and Ross list the reasons why Malfoy sucks. In a different room, Tarot Card Agatha opens a door and yells, \"Where's my port?!\" (That isn't one of my jokes; that actually happens.) Bless her heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring's mother loudly proclaims how it's a shame her daughter has to hang out with maids and other riff-raff. Demelza is so over this. Get new material, people! She heads outside to get away from all the jerks and happens upon a hysterical Mrs. Pigpen. Someone has snatched Mr. Pigpen's corpse!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc arrives to help Blondie and it turns out she wasn't faking after all. There was a fish bone stuck in her throat! Blondie is now feeling him for several reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. He's cute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. He's a doctor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>C. He took a fish bone out of her throat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>D. He asked, \"Can I do anything for Horace while I'm here?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The first three are whatever, but that last one is a real doozy. Horace better be the ring-bearer at their wedding.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Ross and Backstabber Cousin take shots and bond over mining and how boring they've become.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza, various poor people and Mrs. Pigpen are really freaked out by the missing corpse. And are even more freaked out when Mr. Pigpen busts in! He's alive? He's alive! What the hell is going on?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the party, some rich dude is hysterical because he signed away his shares in Ross' mine to Malfoy. What else is new?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Pigpen shares the story of his Lazarus party trick. He woke up on the funeral prep table super thirsty for some gin, so he went down to the bar and everyone thought he was a ghost and ran off, which he was cool with 'cause that meant free booze. Then he came back home to find his wife all dressed up in widow gear and his friends eating a feast at the expense of his 15 coins. \u003cstrong>TL;DR version:\u003c/strong> People in the 1700s couldn't tell the difference between being blackout drunk and being dead. And almost dying doesn't make cheap alcoholics any less cheap or alcoholic.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The party is over and the only two people left awake are Ross and Pinky Ring. Ross tells Pinky Ring how hot she is and how he wonders what could've been if they had gotten together and how their love would have overcome the fact that he's kind of a prick and how much he appreciates that she's a lady and not just a scullery maid. Demelza is standing right outside the door and hears every word.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross gets tired of coming onto his married ex, he goes upstairs. Demelza is waiting. Their interaction goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Oh, hey. Mr. Pigpen is alive. Night.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross: \u003c/strong>OMG what?! Tell me everything!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Nope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> Remember last time we were here?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Yeah, you told me 'I love you' for the first time and you were stoked about my pregnancy. Crazy how everything's the opposite of that now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> Listen, every man has a roving eye. It's natural! Get over it! And -- wait a second -- you're pregnant again?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> You told me you didn't want another one so I didn't tell you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> I didn't! And I still don't! UGH, this sucks!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39739\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"sideeye-demelza-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg 1672w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> The jury finds the defendant guilty on all counts of being the worst husband ever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Mr. Pigpen's liver. \u003c/strong>Hardest worker in all of Cornwall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>I hope you outlive all of these people, which would probably be hard since pugs only live 15 years max, but I can dream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Is there anything more relatable than screaming \"Where's my [insert booze of choice here]\" at a party? No, there is not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>When TLC's Left Eye was fed up with her scrub of a man, she set his sneakers on fire, threw them into a fiberglass tub and accidentally burned down his entire mansion. I'm not advocating for arson, but... actually, I am. Burn it all down, Demelza!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/782762054696394752\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This week, almost every character wishes they could get a divorce.",
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"headline": "'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">last week's season premiere\u003c/a>, the rich people of Cornwall almost hanged Ross, the poor people of Cornwall threw feces in someone's face, and Backstabber Cousin almost killed himself because even he can't stand the things he does and says. Will Demelza find ridiculous ways to hide her pregnancy from Ross \u003ca href=\"http://www.tvguide.com/news/scandal-ridiculous-ways-hide-kerry-washington-pregnancy-1080017/\">à la\u003cem> Scandal\u003c/em>\u003c/a>? Will Tarot Card Agatha go on a rant about how NASA is now saying that \u003ca href=\"http://time.com/4507672/nasa-on-zodiac-signs/\">all our star signs are apparently different than what we thought\u003c/a>? Will this entire episode be from the perspective of Horace the Pug (PLEASE)? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We kick things off with Malfoy practicing for his inevitable fist fight with Ross... in heels. A drag queen is born! Rupaul is proud and wants Malfoy to audition for the next season of \u003cem>Drag Race\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39551\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2.gif\" alt=\"111778e7-d762-4272-b2f1-67af3573fbfe-2\" width=\"500\" height=\"347\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39552\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-800x440.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2016-09-30 at 3.40.26 PM\" width=\"800\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-800x440.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-400x220.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-768x422.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-1440x792.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-1180x649.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM-960x528.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-30-at-3.40.26-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy thinks, \u003cem>You know what? That's not a terrible idea. Cornwall is miserably cold and everyone thinks I'm a loser for not being able to get Ross hanged, so why not try pursuing a drag career?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, without further ado, meet Hisstina Snakespeare:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39601\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg\" alt=\"hisstina-snakespeare\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare-768x511.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/hisstina-snakespeare.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Mr. Pigpen is trying to make amends for his contribution to the \u003cem>Let's Murder Ross!\u003c/em> campaign. His interaction with Ross goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg\" alt=\"mean girls are you still mad\" width=\"500\" height=\"500\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1.jpg 500w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-400x400.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/large-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross receives a letter from one of his investors, which basically reads like the lyrics to Rihanna's \"Bitch Betta Have My Money.\" He has a few days to pay back £1,000. I converted how much that would be in today's money and it's around £56,000, so yeah, he's screwed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza walks in and Ross opens up about all his troubles because open communication is a cornerstone of any healthy marriage. Actually, that doesn't happen at all. Ross gives her the cold shoulder and acts like the rabbit from \u003cem>Alice in Wonderland\u003c/em>, in a rush, with zero time for Demelza or the secret baby growing inside of her. He leaves without touching or kissing her. All that constant sex had to dry up at some point, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross attends a quarterly meeting of his mine's shareholders. The news is bad (as always) and Ross' message stays the same: \u003cem>If we can find a bunch of copper, it'll all be good! \u003c/em>Uh, yeah, that's generally how mining works. Ross is really lucky he's hot because his business acumen leaves something to be desired.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza is minding her business when Ross' friend from the war gallops up. He wants to drink rum with her. Demelza knows this will make her seem whorish in the eyes of the Cornish, but thinks \u003cem>Screw it! Imma do me!\u003c/em> 'cause her husband hasn't touched her in weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out War BFF wants Demelza to help Blondie's uncle's sick cow (???). Why would he assume Demelza knows anything about veterinary medicine? Is 'sick cow' a euphemism for something dirty? And how does War BFF even know Blondie's uncle?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before we can get answers to these questions, Ross walks in and throws a passive-aggressive hissy fit. How dare Demelza be hospitable to one of his best friends?! He bets she has the hots for Blondie's uncle too! He storms out. Demelza resists breaking a bottle over his head and instead opts for the tried-and-true weapon of all wronged pacifists: the side-eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39739\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"sideeye-demelza-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg 1672w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Blondie looks out from her coach and says, \u003cem>Ewww, poverty!\u003c/em> Parliament Wannabe pleads with her to return to London, where she won't have to stomach such \"loathsome sights.\" Blondie spots her crush, Doc, talking to some street urchins, and brainstorms potential couple-name portmanteaus. Blondoc? Dlocdie? Hmm, needs work, but there's no time for that now because it's that part of the episode where we get to revel in the cute overload of Horace the Pug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39740\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x447.jpg\" alt=\"horace\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1440x804.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Backstabber Cousin is a walking, talking personification of the end of that sad egg Zoloft commercial.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39748\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-800x525.jpg\" alt=\"zoloft-francis-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"525\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-800x525.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-400x262.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark-768x504.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/zoloft-francis-poldark.jpg 852w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's loving life again, working hard in the fields, kicking it with his son, and no longer metaphorically shoving middle fingers in Pinky Ring's face for no reason all day long. Huzzah!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side of this coin, Malfoy/Hisstina is the walking, talking personification of the beginning of that sad egg Zoloft commercial. You see, Pinky Ring declined an invitation and still doesn't want to have sex with him. And all the money he spent on getting Parliament Wannabe elected isn't really coming to much. But -- take heart! -- there is something that always gets his spirits up: messing with Ross. He hatches a plan that involves Mr. Pigpen in some way. Uh-oh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the ranch, Demelza busts into Ross' office, puts her hands on her hips, and asks:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-serious-right-now-kanye-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39914\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/are-you-serious-right-now-kanye-gif.gif\" alt=\"are you serious right now kanye gif\" width=\"320\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He replies that he is. He also suggests that, because Demelza is a common miner's daughter, she might not be able to control her lust around War BFF's fancy uniform. Does anyone have an Advil? I can't take much more of this man-baby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39750\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\" alt=\"tiffany new york\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza and her cute, shy puppy are like, \u003cem>Forget this! We're out of here!\u003c/em> They don't get very far before running into Pinky Ring, who doesn't waste any time getting into full-on gossip mode. \u003cem>Hey, girl! How's Ross handling the post-trial blues? And is he excited about your pregnancy? OMG, you haven't told him?! Well, sorry I kind of, sort of killed your first baby. Anyway, TTYL. Bye! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, after pulling an all-nighter in the mine, Ross approaches Demelza and wants to apologize, not for treating her like the crap that was thrown into Parliament Wannabe's face last episode, but because he needs to sell all her nice things to pay off his loan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Saint Demelza hatches another plan to save Ross' butt. She heads over to Blondie's uncle's house, takes one look at his sick cow and is like, \u003cem>Dump this one and get a new one. You can have mine... for a price. \u003c/em>(See what she did there?) He creepily touches her face and then just goes ahead and grabs her butt. (See what he did there?) The price will be one roll in the hay. Demelza counter-offers:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39758\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625-1.gif\" alt=\"my-girlfriends-reaction-when-i-want-a-kiss-and-shes-still-mad-at-me-18625 (1)\" width=\"210\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess he likes it rough because he agrees to buy the cow. Ross and Demelza go into town to sell basically everything else they own: their chickens, pigs, goats, carpets, plates, and candle holders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emboldened by all the jiu-jitsu training he's been doing in pumps, Malfoy decides it's a good idea to strut on over to them and tell Ross the trial has made him look like crap. Demelza pulls Ross away and prevents this from taking place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sub-zero-fatality-mortal-kombat.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39759\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sub-zero-fatality-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"sub zero fatality mortal kombat\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Blondie approaches Doc and says, \"I have a tingling... in my throat.\" Mmhmm, I bet you do. He gives her all the I'm-just-not-that-into-you vibes, with a dash of you're-a-snob-and-a-half thrown in for good measure, and walks off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the woods, Mr. Pigpen is taking a stroll after a productive day at the bar when the two evil dudes who bribed him to testify against Ross jump out of the brush. They don't want their money back (they have plenty); they just want to kick all his organs in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross is making faces about the dinner Demelza cooked for him. She's like, \u003cem>Dude, you sold all our animals and pots and pans and plates and things. What did you expect? \u003c/em>Before she can reveal that she's not only pregnant but also filing for divorce, Twitter blows up with the news of Mr. Pigpen's death!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, everyone stands around Mr. Pigpen's dead body, as Mrs. Pigpen has a depressive mental breakdown. This evolves into an irate mental breakdown when the people who found his body reveal that he had 15 gold coins on him, and further evolves into a consumerist mental breakdown.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross reminisces about the time Mr. Pigpen taught him how to smoke when he was a child. Cool memory. Then, it finally dawns on him that the money was probably a bribe for testifying at the trial. I wish Ross was smarter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Malfoy's Manor, he's in drag again, practicing punching in a mirror. You better work, Hisstina Snakespeare!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/rupaul-you-better-work.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39839\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/rupaul-you-better-work.gif\" alt=\"rupaul you better work\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza decide to make amends with Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring because it'll piss Malfoy off. They happen upon Backstabber Cousin as he's scything. It's just like that time Ross was scything shirtless, only with absolutely zero-percent sex appeal. Now that they've reconciled, Backstabber Cousin is the end of that sad egg Zoloft commercial, but at double speed. He throws a block party and everyone twerks, dabs and dougies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Malfoy gets word that his henchmen murdered Mr. Pigpen. They were only supposed to paralyze him! Now Malfoy is smoking-weed-for-the-first-time paranoid. Ross is going to kill him!! He's probably outside right now!! And the government probably has his room tapped!! There's a knock at the door. Malfoy grabs his pistol. But it's just Parliament Wannabe. Hisstina Snakespeare lives to lip-sync another day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Blondie pretends to be sick so she can be treated by Doc and then promptly lose her virginity to him. But who cares about that? Horace the Pug is getting more screen time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39840\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-800x446.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-800x446.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-768x428.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-1440x803.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-1180x658.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug-960x535.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/horace-pug.jpg 1677w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the party, Backstabber Cousin and Ross list the reasons why Malfoy sucks. In a different room, Tarot Card Agatha opens a door and yells, \"Where's my port?!\" (That isn't one of my jokes; that actually happens.) Bless her heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring's mother loudly proclaims how it's a shame her daughter has to hang out with maids and other riff-raff. Demelza is so over this. Get new material, people! She heads outside to get away from all the jerks and happens upon a hysterical Mrs. Pigpen. Someone has snatched Mr. Pigpen's corpse!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc arrives to help Blondie and it turns out she wasn't faking after all. There was a fish bone stuck in her throat! Blondie is now feeling him for several reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. He's cute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. He's a doctor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>C. He took a fish bone out of her throat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>D. He asked, \"Can I do anything for Horace while I'm here?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The first three are whatever, but that last one is a real doozy. Horace better be the ring-bearer at their wedding.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Ross and Backstabber Cousin take shots and bond over mining and how boring they've become.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza, various poor people and Mrs. Pigpen are really freaked out by the missing corpse. And are even more freaked out when Mr. Pigpen busts in! He's alive? He's alive! What the hell is going on?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the party, some rich dude is hysterical because he signed away his shares in Ross' mine to Malfoy. What else is new?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Pigpen shares the story of his Lazarus party trick. He woke up on the funeral prep table super thirsty for some gin, so he went down to the bar and everyone thought he was a ghost and ran off, which he was cool with 'cause that meant free booze. Then he came back home to find his wife all dressed up in widow gear and his friends eating a feast at the expense of his 15 coins. \u003cstrong>TL;DR version:\u003c/strong> People in the 1700s couldn't tell the difference between being blackout drunk and being dead. And almost dying doesn't make cheap alcoholics any less cheap or alcoholic.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The party is over and the only two people left awake are Ross and Pinky Ring. Ross tells Pinky Ring how hot she is and how he wonders what could've been if they had gotten together and how their love would have overcome the fact that he's kind of a prick and how much he appreciates that she's a lady and not just a scullery maid. Demelza is standing right outside the door and hears every word.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross gets tired of coming onto his married ex, he goes upstairs. Demelza is waiting. Their interaction goes like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Oh, hey. Mr. Pigpen is alive. Night.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross: \u003c/strong>OMG what?! Tell me everything!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Nope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> Remember last time we were here?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> Yeah, you told me 'I love you' for the first time and you were stoked about my pregnancy. Crazy how everything's the opposite of that now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> Listen, every man has a roving eye. It's natural! Get over it! And -- wait a second -- you're pregnant again?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> You told me you didn't want another one so I didn't tell you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> I didn't! And I still don't! UGH, this sucks!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-39739\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"sideeye-demelza-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sideeye-demelza-poldark.jpg 1672w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Ross.\u003c/strong> The jury finds the defendant guilty on all counts of being the worst husband ever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Mr. Pigpen's liver. \u003c/strong>Hardest worker in all of Cornwall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Horace. \u003c/strong>I hope you outlive all of these people, which would probably be hard since pugs only live 15 years max, but I can dream.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>. Is there anything more relatable than screaming \"Where's my [insert booze of choice here]\" at a party? No, there is not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Demelza. \u003c/strong>When TLC's Left Eye was fed up with her scrub of a man, she set his sneakers on fire, threw them into a fiberglass tub and accidentally burned down his entire mansion. I'm not advocating for arson, but... actually, I am. Burn it all down, Demelza!\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/27/poldark-season-2-premiere-recap-court-and-spark/\">'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Court and Spark",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Court and Spark",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey recaps\u003c/a> of yore. Since that show wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called Poldark that a bunch of you are supposedly crazy about. I have to be honest, I was skeptical at first. But my doubt was no match for \u003ca href=\"http://i2.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article5383476.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200/Poldark-star-Aidan-Turner-getting-the-brush-off-from-a-crew-member.jpg\">this photo\u003c/a>, so here I am. I hope you'll join me. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">my Season 1 recaps\u003c/a>. If you're too busy or impatient for all of that, here's the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross Poldark fought in the American Revolutionary War on the British side. As we know, things didn't really work out. Presumed dead, his ex got with his lame cousin because there were apparently no other men around who flaked on the war. Ross returns alive and everyone is supremely inconvenienced by his not-deadness. Ross proceeds to spend a lot of time hanging out with poor people. He even marries one! His scullery maid! And has a baby with her! But don't get too excited, the baby dies of strep throat or something like that. Oh, and there's a former classmate of Ross' who is hell-bent on ruining his life and has one of those faces that's just begging for a knuckle sandwich. At the end of Season 1, said classmate bribes some soldiers to arrest Ross over some made-up nonsense.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let's do this...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dramatic music, dramatic waves, dramatic cliffs, dramatic drone footage, all lead us to the edge of the world where Ross is being led to prison by a bunch of snappily-dressed soldiers. They take him to a tribunal, where a judge reads Ross' alleged crimes aloud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #1:\u003c/strong> Leading a blood-thirsty mob to pillage a shipwreck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Well...technically, they weren't thirsty for blood, they were thirsty for \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/22/why-is-everyone-so-obsessed-with-lacroix-and-mercury-in-retrograde/\">LaCroix\u003c/a> (who isn't, amirite?) and, you know, food to eat. But not blood, no. Next!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #2:\u003c/strong> Encouraging a riot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> I mean, what is a riot, really? All these people were doing was stealing tons of expensive cargo and murdering rich people. If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right. Got anything else?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #3:\u003c/strong> Killing that jerk who cheated at cards and tried to steal your entire inheritance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> OMG, I WISH!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judges chat amongst themselves and decide they have had...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/drag-race-ive-had-it-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38616\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/drag-race-ive-had-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"drag race i've had it gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They tell Ross he is going on trial for his criminal good looks and his criminal behavior too. This is all very concerning and all, but can we pause for a second to process the fact that Aidan Turner (Ross) got a haircut? Have we learned nothing from when Keri Russell cut off all her curly locks in the beginning of the second season of \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em> and everyone lost their damn minds and stopped watching the show?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anywho, Demelza is at home, inventing the FML acronym. Her baby is dead, but her cute little bed is still right there. Her husband is in prison, where people get gangrene and typhus and homesick. It's too bad that LiveJournal hasn't been created yet, because Demelza has earned the right to write some terrible, teen-angsty poetry right about now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Demelza has a chance to think of something that rhymes with siiiiiiiigh, Ross walks through the door! He's on parole! But he's probably going to be sentenced to prison in five days. Demelza thinks, \u003cem>Ugh, I bet \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/22/why-is-everyone-so-obsessed-with-lacroix-and-mercury-in-retrograde/\">Mercury is in retrograde\u003c/a>. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is pretending to be outraged over the charges, as if he didn't spend the entirety of Season 1 sabotaging Ross and wanting him to die in a stampede or avalanche or tsunami. Not buying it, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the edge of a cliff, Ross looks off into the distance and proclaims, \"A storm is coming.\" What can I say? Subtlety is not this show's strong suit. But there's shirtless scything so who cares?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza talks to Ross about their dead baby and the trial. Ross is in denial about both and says, \u003cem>You know what would be fun right now? Mining!\u003c/em> So they run off to their mine and the miners feel awkward, partly because their boss won't admit he's probably going to jail, but mostly because he cut his hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy is meeting with a lawyer. He wants Ross tried for murder because Ross doesn't want to be friends. Even his evil uncle is like, \u003cem>Really, dude?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a poor part of town, Mrs. Pigpen (Ross' former servant) is doing her laundry in a dirty puddle, as one in the 18th century does. Two men from the prosecution try to get her to sell out Ross. She's like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38850\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"no drag race gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a rich part of town, Pinky Ring (Ross' ex, now cousin-in-law) is unaccompanied (*gasp*). But no worries, evil Malfoy shows up to escort and salivate all over her. She's like, \u003cem>Ew, can you not? This is suede. Also, can you do me a solid and stop trying to get Ross thrown in jail? \u003c/em>Malfoy responds, \u003cem>So if I do that, will you be open to me then using this act of kindness to coerce you into making out with me whenever I want? And do you think Ross will finally want to hang out with me?\u003c/em> Pinky Ring is like, ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ \u003cem>yeah, sure\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets with Suze Orman's ancestor, who is appalled at the state of Ross' finances. Because he spent all of season 1 hiring people, he now has no money and will leave Demelza with a mountain of debt. Ross doesn't have much to say for himself, other than: \u003cem>My bad!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Pinky Ring writes Demelza a letter: \u003cem>Sorry about giving you the strep throat that killed your baby. And sorry about my husband ruining your husband. Wanna come over?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in town, some rich dude and a blonde woman pass Ross. Blondie is like, \u003cem>Yum! Who is that?!\u003c/em> Rich Dude is like, \u003cem>Just some nobody\u003c/em>. Ross catches Blondie doing a double take and thinks,\u003cem> I may be bankrupt and my hairs might be short, but I still got it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But more important than all that is Blondie's travel companion, a cute little pug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38866\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-1440x806.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38865\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-800x444.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark-2\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-800x444.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-400x222.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1440x798.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2.jpg 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38864\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark-3\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>His name is Horace! I'm in love!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, Horace's mom, Blondie, is in Cornwall to visit her uncle. The rich dude she's with is running for a seat in Parliament and wants to marry her. She's just not that into him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Mr. Pigpen is passed out drunk (his default setting). The two dudes from prosecution try to bribe him with booze in exchange for testimony against Ross. And Mr. Pigpen is about to give it to them... until Mrs. Pigpen swoops in to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michelle-visage-drag-race-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38868\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michelle-visage-drag-race-gif.gif\" alt=\"no michelle visage drag race gif\" width=\"540\" height=\"304\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza agree to accept Pinky Ring's invitation and regret it immediately. Malfoy is there, doing his creepy I'll-help-you-in-exchange-for-bestie-status-and-make-outs-with-Pinky-Ring thing. Ross does not have time for this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38869\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif\" alt=\"viola davis purse leaving gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Tarot Card Agatha is in the corner living for every moment, snacking on popcorn:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38977\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-800x445.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-agatha-popcorn\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-800x445.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-768x427.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1440x801.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1180x657.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-960x534.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he gets home, Ross calls Malfoy an \"upstart poodle.\" He says some other stuff too, but I couldn't hear over my laughter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Upstart Poodle is proofreading a pamphlet he's having printed. It's the page from his Burn Book dedicated to Ross. It basically says this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/burn-book-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38870\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/burn-book-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"burn book mean girls gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is out for a walk and stops in on Blondie's uncle. You see, this guy apparently knows the judge who will preside over Ross' trial. She pretends to have gotten queasy as she was walking. You can take the girl out of the street, but you can't take the street smarts out of the girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the mine, Ross takes out all his aggression by hammering a rock really hard without a shirt on. This is a thank you from the show's producers to all the straight woman and gay men watching. Keep the gratitude, coming.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Overlooking his closed mine, Backstabber Cousin whines like a baby about how he sucks at life and wishes he was Ross. Pinky Ring tries to say something reassuring, but is cut off by Backstabber Cousin storming off like the brat that he is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza sneakily gets into Blondie's uncle's favor. Parliament Wannabe and Blondie return home just in time to see Demelza leaving, and the former says she must be up to no good because she looks like a \"dangerous woman.\" If by that, he means that she is one of the best pop vocalists of her era, then yes, she is indeed a Dangerous Woman™:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38877\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande\" width=\"620\" height=\"620\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-400x400.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a heath somewhere, Ross runs into Backstabber Cousin and does that thing where you see an acquaintance on public transportation but really just wanna keep reading your book so you hide behind strangers or just get off and wait for the next bus or train. But unfortunately for Ross, there's nowhere to hide in a big open field and nowhere to go other than off the cliff, which does actually seem like a kinder fate than dealing with this loser. Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying Ross still hates Backstabber Cousin for ruining his business, marrying his girlfriend and killing his newborn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy drops by and slobbers over her some more. He calls her ravishing and then realizes Tarot Card Agatha is still alive and sitting right there. He extends the compliment to her as well and, without missing a beat, Tarot Card Agatha calls him \"pasty-faced\" and says it's a \"consequence of sitting too long indoors fingering coin.\" MVP!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin walks in and whines about Ross not wanting to chit chat like old pals on the heath. Malfoy is like, \u003cem>Typical!\u003c/em> Pinky Ring sighs. Tarot Card Agatha thinks,\u003cem> I hate everyone in this room.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin shows everyone the page from Malfoy's Burn Book that's making the round and accuses Malfoy of having something to do with it, in the most polite, British way possible. Malfoy returns the favor by calling him bankrupt, in the most polite, British way possible.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dirty side street, Mr. Pigpen is drunk as ever and cornered by the prosecutors. Mrs. Pigpen is not around to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michlle-visage-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38884\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michlle-visage-gif.gif\" alt=\"no michlle visage gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza is at the piano, playing the first single off of her new album \u003cem>Dangerous Woman\u003c/em>. Ross likes what he hears so much that he strips naked and they proceed to have sensual sex for a while (another thank you from the show's producers).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few miles away, now that he no longer has the money for a prostitute, Backstabber Cousin tries his hand at getting some from his wife. Pinky Ring is not having it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/14-01-Clueless-quotes.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38885\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/14-01-Clueless-quotes.gif\" alt=\"ew get off me clueless as if gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blue Ball'd Backstabber Cousin looks up at a portrait of his dead father, whose disapproving face sends a clear message:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16986\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"tyra-rooting-for-you\" width=\"500\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin announces he's going to Ross' trial. Pinky Ring wants to come, but Backstabber Cousin says \"court is no place for a woman.\" I'd like to see you tell that to these women:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-38886 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-800x531.jpg\" width=\"800\" height=\"531\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-800x531.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-768x510.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-1180x784.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-960x638.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin is feeling emotional with the trial just around the corner and confesses to kind of being in love with Ross. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>SAME!\u003c/em> Finally they agree on something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a fancy coach, Horace the pug is redefining cuteness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38887\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-800x453.jpg\" alt=\"horace-4\" width=\"800\" height=\"453\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-800x453.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-400x226.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-768x435.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-1440x815.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-1180x668.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-960x543.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4.jpg 1673w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie is arguing with her uncle over whether she has to be by Parliament Wannabe's side as he finds out if he's been voted into office or not. Blondie says she's going to stay in and eat jellies with Horace instead. Now here's someone with their priorities in order!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross arrives to court and finds Malfoy's Burn Book pages all over the place. He accepts his fate: a guest starring role in the next season of \u003cem>Orange Is The New Black\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"orange-is-the-new-poldark\" width=\"386\" height=\"477\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the local inn, Backstabber Cousin is complaining about there not being any rooms for him. Ross' doctor friend offers to share his room, but offers in that way you do when you want to be nice, but don't actually expect the person to take you up on it. Backstabber Cousin is all about making things awkward and being inappropriate, so get ready, roomie!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, as Doc is getting settled, there is an urgent call. Someone is gravely ill! Let it be Malfoy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Demelza is packing. Even though Ross forbade her from coming to the trial, she decides:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38896\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/BEYONCE-GIF-16-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38897\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/BEYONCE-GIF-16-1.gif\" alt=\"BEYONCE-GIF-16-1\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She hitches a ride with Verity (yay, the Queen is back!), who seems to be much happier now that she doesn't have to live with Backstabber Cousin and be reminded of how old everyone thinks 25 is every single day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc shows up to help the gravely ill person. It's sadly not Malfoy, it's HORACE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>NOOOOOOO!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38889\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-800x447.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug-5\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-1440x805.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's been having spasms. Dear \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writer, kill off human babies if you must, but not Horace! Never Horace!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Phew! Horace just needs to be carried less. This whole thing was simply a way for Doc to have a meet cute with Blondie. I can live with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets with his lawyer, who advises him to be apologetic. Ross being Ross says, \u003cem>HA HA HA! NO.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some ballroom, everyone is voting and talking about Malfoy's Burn Book. Backstabber Cousin shows up to confront Malfoy over it and say that, no matter how much money he acquires:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/CwMdBE5KXRpLExcXERkfABgAChxdBgwfSgMTWgobGhEXHRFMBxUYDBYNB1tXQkJTTEJTWwYbDBMVCxEWSwQbAw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38899\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/CwMdBE5KXRpLExcXERkfABgAChxdBgwfSgMTWgobGhEXHRFMBxUYDBYNB1tXQkJTTEJTWwYbDBMVCxEWSwQbAw.gif\" alt=\"money can't buy you class gif countess\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy's reply:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/rs_500x300-151117115948-giphy_4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/rs_500x300-151117115948-giphy_4.gif\" alt=\"shut up regina george mean girls gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a hotel room, Verity tries to convince Demelza not to go out alone on some mysterious errand because the streets are full of drunkards, since it's Election Day. Demelza is like,\u003cem> I used to be homeless. I got this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza immediately runs into her born again father, who brings up her dead baby and her soon-to-be-dead husband as evidence of her sins. Demelza responds by hugging him and saying:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38901\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\" alt=\"god is not real beyonce gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the room, Verity is minding her own goddamn business when there's a knock at the door. It's Backstabber Cousin, who proceeds to barge in, chug all the booze that can be found, and say things like \"How does it feel to be married to a drunken brute?\" with zero self-awareness. And because this wouldn't be a Backstabber Cousin meltdown without some whining about Ross, he laments that Ross is so important that people publish Burn Books about him to get him hanged. \u003cem>What about me?? I want a Burn Book! I want to be hanged!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity does what Verity does best and serves up a hot helping of \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grlly.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grlly.gif\" alt=\"girl really gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza finally makes it to her destination, the ballroom where everyone is voting and where Blondie's uncle is hanging out. But not so fast! Malfoy, who seems to be everywhere at once, tells the guards Demelza is \"a harlot\" and shouldn't be let inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38909\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\" alt=\"Kristen-Wiig-pissed\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the hotel, an employee lets Backstabber Cousin into Doc's room. The employee wonders if there's something gay going on: \"It's a small chamber, sir, and but a single bed!\" Backstabber Cousin assures him, \u003cem>I'm not planning on gay stuff, but I am planning on probably committing suicide. \u003c/em>The employee is like,\u003cem> Phew! Okay, bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross is chilling in his cell, awaiting trial. Malfoy shows up, as he always does. Someone get this villain a FitBit; he gets around! 10k steps before noon, easy. Anyway, Malfoy offers to help and Ross essentially says, \u003cem>Go F yourself. \u003c/em>Malfoy rejoices. Now he can tell Pinky Ring he tried to help, but was turned away, and she'll fall madly in love with him and have all the sex. Mmhm, keep telling yourself that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Pinky Ring, Tarot Card Agatha is -- what else -- pulling tarot cards! Justice, The Tower, Death. Before we can even guess what that all means, we are taken back to the hotel where Backstabber Cousin puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger. I'll let you guess which person in this gif represents me:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38941\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\" alt=\"survivor smile shocked gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in prison, Ross finds out Mr. Pigpen intends to testify against him. Wow. I wonder if the old lady sees Mr. Pigpen being torn apart by wild dogs in her tarot reading.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Demelza manages to sneak into the fancy ballroom and walks right up to Blondie, her uncle and Parliament Wannabe. Blondie is like, \u003cem>OMG, is your husband guilty?! What did he do? Let's dish, girlfriend!\u003c/em> Demelza is like, \u003cem>Ew.\u003c/em> A mob roars outside and Parliament Wannabe assumes they're \"clamoring\" for him. Hmm, clamoring to put your fancy head on a pike is more like it, but go ahead and check it out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the pub, everyone is talking about how badass French people are and how fun guillotines seem. They promise to start murdering rich people soon, but first they have to go to court to cheer on Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the fancy ballroom, Demelza's sweet talking only goes so far. Blondie's uncle just wants to drink his port and chill tonight, sorry. So she decides to talk to the judge herself. Uh oh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the election results are being read. It's a tie! So the sensible thing to do is to recount or revote, right? Apparently not. The omnipresent Malfoy is there, whispering in Parliament Wannabe's ear to just sit in the winner's chair (a literal chair) and just act like he deserves it (you know, revel in his white male privilege). So he does. The crowd carries around his chair like he just got Jewish married. But unlike what usually happens at weddings, the crowd also starts throwing feces directly into his face! Dear Cornwall, never change.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/alyssa-edwards-poop-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38985\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/alyssa-edwards-poop-gif.gif\" alt=\"alyssa edwards poop gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The feces instigator is thrown in the jail cell across from Ross. He speaks eloquently about civil rights... until a soldier knocks him unconscious with the butt of a rifle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Blondie is flirting a little too antagonistically for Doc's liking. She's offended that he's offended. Then he's offended that she's offended that he's offended. Cliff's Notes version: they will be married in two episodes or less.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Demelza is saying all the right things to the judge. \u003cem>OMG, you hate drinking? Me too! What a coinkidink! So anywayyy, what would you say if I told you someone was trying to bribe people into giving false testimonies??\u003c/em> Before the judge can answer, Malfoy slithers up and outs Demelza as Ross' wife. The judge is appalled! Malfoy's heart shrinks another size.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judge and Malfoy walk approximately three feet away to discuss how important it is to make an example of Ross so that poor people know their place (this place does not involve feces-throwing or basic human rights). This experience is going to make for a killer single on Demelza's next album.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the hotel, Ross' doctor friend is ready for bed, but his door is locked. The employee is like, \u003cem>Your maybe gay lover is in there.\u003c/em> Doc knocks, but there's no answer. The music swells and just as Doc is about to break down the door, Backstabber Cousin opens it, looking a hot mess. He's alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/unimpressed-whitney.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38948\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/unimpressed-whitney.gif\" alt=\"unimpressed whitney\" width=\"350\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin tells Doc all about how his gun malfunctioned. He sucks at life and so do his belongings. He then proceeds to ramble about how he's still planning on killing himself, but wants to have a drink beforehand. Doc spends this whole time thinking about how anyone else would have picked up that his offering his room was just a formality. It wasn't a real suggestion. What is wrong with this dude?! Doc just wants a good night's sleep. Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Demelza yells at Malfoy and calls him out for being a blacksmith's grandson. He calls her out for being a miner's daughter and, soon, a gentleman's widow. Yikes. Lord Voldemort would be proud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/voldemort-hug-malfoy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38986\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/voldemort-hug-malfoy.gif\" alt=\"voldemort hug malfoy\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Backstabber Cousin is fiddling with his gun. Doc is lying on his bed, watching and feeling very awkward.Backstabber Cousin asks, \"Ask me, am I cleaning it to put away or do I intend to use it again?\" Doc is like, \u003cem>Ummm, are you cleaning it or do you intend to use it again?\u003c/em> Backstabber Cousin is like, \u003cem>OMG, thanks for asking! I'm not sure. I might kill someone else or myself. Still deciding.\u003c/em> What does a boring lunatic have to do for some attention and validation around here?! Apparently, brag for hours about maybe or maybe not committing suicide.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Malfoy and one of his Slytherin cronies are planning on stacking the courthouse with loud people who don't like Ross. Goodie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross and the Feces Thrower shoot the sh*t (pardon the pun; Carrie Bradshaw taught me). They hope they both get justice, but aren't too optimistic. And they shouldn't be because Feces Thrower is found guilty. The judge does not leave much to the imagination with his sentence: \"You are to be taken from hence to a place of execution, where you will be hanged from the neck... until you die.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38987\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\" alt=\"your tone seems very pointed right now gif willam\" width=\"232\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif 232w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 232px) 100vw, 232px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross enters the courtroom, almost everyone yells \"Murderer!\" and other fun things Malfoy paid them to say. Other people paid by Malfoy take the stand and say Ross kicked injured people and body slammed puppies, among other evil acts. Speaking of evil, Demelza's dad busts in to call Ross the Devil Incarnate. Cool story, bro; now off you go to the dentist to fix those black teeth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza starts hyperventilating and runs from the courtroom. Pinky Ring follows her out and blurts out, \"I came for Backstabber Cousin.\" Um, ok. She then says, \u003cem>Sorry I killed your baby with my germs. Is having a dead kid the worst?!\u003c/em> There's no real way to respond to that so Demelza blurts out, \u003cem>I'M PREGNANT!\u003c/em> That's nice if she is, but it would be awesome if she wasn't and she just uses that line to get out of awkward social situations.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Mr. Pigpen takes the stand and starts selling Ross out for a few coins. Everyone on #TeamRoss is disgusted. But then Mr. Pigpen changes his story either because his booze is wearing off or just kicking in (not sure what kind of drunk he is). His testimony is thrown out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The captain of the shipwreck, a reverse Sully if you will, takes the stand. He says the beach that night was like Dante's Inferno (oo, someone took AP English!) and adds that everyone really misbehaved. Ross speaks up and has a...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/destinys-child-question-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38956\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/destinys-child-question-gif.gif\" alt=\"destiny's child question gif\" width=\"535\" height=\"291\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross goes, \u003cem>Hey, Captain dude, remember when I protected you and your men and brought you to my house to keep you safe, even though I had just buried my baby and my wife was on her death bed?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Captain replies:\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38957\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif\" alt=\"Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah\" width=\"263\" height=\"263\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif 263w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 263px) 100vw, 263px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross looks at the judge and jury and does this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/i-told-you-so-stephen-colbert.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38958\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/i-told-you-so-stephen-colbert.gif\" alt=\"i told you so stephen colbert\" width=\"332\" height=\"352\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's Doc's turn to take the stand. He basically says, \u003cem>Hey, guys! I'm a doctor and I can say Ross was kind of nuts that night 'cause of his dead baby and maybe dead wife. Plus, all the drinking he was doing for like a week straight. And the not sleeping for days on end. So yeah, he didn't do it, but if he did, he was just temporarily a little cray cray. Thanks for your time. Bye! \u003c/em>Everyone on #TeamRoss wishes Doc had stayed home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The court takes a short recess and Slytherin Crony asks why Malfoy isn't giddier. Malfoy is like, \u003cem>I mean, it's cool that Ross is going to die for not wanting to be my friend, but I want his mine too. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38959\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\" alt=\"veruca salt i want it now\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Backstabber Cousin approaches Pinky Ring to remind her he forbade her from coming and let her know he's still an insanely jealous, insecure prick. Then he walks away from her, as she's asking him a question, just to make sure she didn't forget how awful he is. How long does it take to fix a malfunctioning gun? (Too soon?)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The court regroups and Ross' lawyer tells him to either grovel or be hanged. So Ross gets ready to grit his teeth and apologize, until he doesn't. \u003cem>Hi, y'all. So yeah, there was kind of a riot and some people took things that didn't belong to them.... BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. ENGLAND'S CLASS SYSTEM IS BULLSHIT. SORRY NOT SORRY. I WOULD DO IT ALL AGAIN. I'M OUT!\u003c/em> Ross drops the mic and sits back down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' lawyer looks like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/marcia-clark-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38960\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/marcia-clark-crying.gif\" alt=\"marcia clark crying\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judge tells the jury,\u003cem> That was a cute speech and all, but he totally did it and I want you to convict him so I can hang him. K thx bai!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The jury takes approximately two whole minutes and comes back with their verdict. The defendant is....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>.....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>.........\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>..................\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>NOT GUILTY!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>#TeamRoss loses their sh*t, as if Oprah just gave them all cars...or, um, new horse-drawn carriages or whatever:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-12.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38967\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-12.gif\" alt=\"giphy (12)\" width=\"575\" height=\"394\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah-audience.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38970\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah-audience.gif\" alt=\"oprah-audience\" width=\"431\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6yic0l.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38971\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6yic0l.gif\" alt=\"6yic0l\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o.gif\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38968\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o.gif\" alt=\"5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o\" width=\"350\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprahgif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38973\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprahgif.gif\" alt=\"oprahgif\" width=\"350\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/favoritethingsprayer.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38974\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/favoritethingsprayer.gif\" alt=\"favoritethingsprayer\" width=\"350\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/amypoehlerhead.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38969\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/amypoehlerhead.gif\" alt=\"amypoehlerhead\" width=\"320\" height=\"179\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Malfoy and his Slytherin Crony are all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah02.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38972\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah02.gif\" alt=\"oprah02\" width=\"356\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Swept up in all the hope fulfillment, Verity runs to her brother, Backstabber Cousin, and is like, \u003cem>Yayyyyyy! Also, let's not fight anymore, okay? Life is short and stuff.\u003c/em> Despite the wondrous optimism of the moment, Backstabber Cousin can't help but rain on the parade: \u003cem>Yeah, no. I still hate your husband for shooting me in the neck that one time.\u003c/em> Verity runs away crying. His magical power is inspiring that reaction in people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring walks up and has to pretend not to be elated about Ross not being hanged because it might send Backstabber Cousin into another one of his jealous tantrums. Just get a divorce! If it's good enough for Brangelina, it's good enough for you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza ride to the beach, where all their poor friends are having a chill bonfire. Everyone rejoices, violins and fiddles are played, the 18th century version of twerking occurs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Tarot Card Agatha shows Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring a card and proclaims, \"Not guilty!\" She should open up a stand or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy is busy doing this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38976\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt-willy-wonka\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Slytherin Crony is like, \u003cem>Um, so we tried to kill Ross and it didn't work. Aren't you scared that he's going to try to kill us now?\u003c/em> Malfoy is like, \u003cem>Oh sh*t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza and Ross run into the Pigpens. Ross is still mad about the whole you-almost-got-me-killed-for-50-cents thing. But it seems as though he'll rehire them tomorrow because he just loves hiring people that much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a mansion across town, Malfoy locks and loads a pistol and puts it in his bedside table, as he should. Be afraid, be very afraid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza tells Ross she is perfectly happy... except that all that she wants is another baby, just as Ace of Base predicted. Ross says now is not a good time. Demelza realizes her strategy for revealing her pregnancy in a cute, fun way wasn't thought out so well, after all. They have sex anyway.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Malfoy:\u003c/strong> He reached Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-to-his-death levels of evil here. It's only a matter of time before Ross uses the Avada Kedavra spell on him, and I will be watching next to Tarot Card Agatha with popcorn in my lap.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>It's awesome that she tried to sneakily get Ross off the hook several times. If only she was actually any good at being sneaky.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> Everyone forgets she's still alive and/or assumes she's senile, but -- \u003cem>au contraire\u003c/em> -- she knows all, sees all, judges all. She's basically half Nostradamus, half insult comic. Keep on truckin', centenarian!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Ross\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>He lives! Well, technically, he doesn't since this is set centuries ago, but you know what I mean. Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Horace\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> If you don't agree with my awarding the number one spot to a dog, scroll back up and take in those photos of the beloved pug one more time. You'll understand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\"> 'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "The O.J. trial of the 18th century. Will our hero be hanged? Or will he live to scythe shirtless another day?",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey recaps\u003c/a> of yore. Since that show wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called Poldark that a bunch of you are supposedly crazy about. I have to be honest, I was skeptical at first. But my doubt was no match for \u003ca href=\"http://i2.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article5383476.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200/Poldark-star-Aidan-Turner-getting-the-brush-off-from-a-crew-member.jpg\">this photo\u003c/a>, so here I am. I hope you'll join me. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to read \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">my Season 1 recaps\u003c/a>. If you're too busy or impatient for all of that, here's the much-abbreviated gist:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross Poldark fought in the American Revolutionary War on the British side. As we know, things didn't really work out. Presumed dead, his ex got with his lame cousin because there were apparently no other men around who flaked on the war. Ross returns alive and everyone is supremely inconvenienced by his not-deadness. Ross proceeds to spend a lot of time hanging out with poor people. He even marries one! His scullery maid! And has a baby with her! But don't get too excited, the baby dies of strep throat or something like that. Oh, and there's a former classmate of Ross' who is hell-bent on ruining his life and has one of those faces that's just begging for a knuckle sandwich. At the end of Season 1, said classmate bribes some soldiers to arrest Ross over some made-up nonsense.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, got all that? Great. Let's do this...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dramatic music, dramatic waves, dramatic cliffs, dramatic drone footage, all lead us to the edge of the world where Ross is being led to prison by a bunch of snappily-dressed soldiers. They take him to a tribunal, where a judge reads Ross' alleged crimes aloud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #1:\u003c/strong> Leading a blood-thirsty mob to pillage a shipwreck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Well...technically, they weren't thirsty for blood, they were thirsty for \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/22/why-is-everyone-so-obsessed-with-lacroix-and-mercury-in-retrograde/\">LaCroix\u003c/a> (who isn't, amirite?) and, you know, food to eat. But not blood, no. Next!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #2:\u003c/strong> Encouraging a riot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> I mean, what is a riot, really? All these people were doing was stealing tons of expensive cargo and murdering rich people. If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right. Got anything else?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Charge #3:\u003c/strong> Killing that jerk who cheated at cards and tried to steal your entire inheritance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross' defense:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> OMG, I WISH!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judges chat amongst themselves and decide they have had...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/drag-race-ive-had-it-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38616\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/drag-race-ive-had-it-gif.gif\" alt=\"drag race i've had it gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They tell Ross he is going on trial for his criminal good looks and his criminal behavior too. This is all very concerning and all, but can we pause for a second to process the fact that Aidan Turner (Ross) got a haircut? Have we learned nothing from when Keri Russell cut off all her curly locks in the beginning of the second season of \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em> and everyone lost their damn minds and stopped watching the show?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anywho, Demelza is at home, inventing the FML acronym. Her baby is dead, but her cute little bed is still right there. Her husband is in prison, where people get gangrene and typhus and homesick. It's too bad that LiveJournal hasn't been created yet, because Demelza has earned the right to write some terrible, teen-angsty poetry right about now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Demelza has a chance to think of something that rhymes with siiiiiiiigh, Ross walks through the door! He's on parole! But he's probably going to be sentenced to prison in five days. Demelza thinks, \u003cem>Ugh, I bet \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/22/why-is-everyone-so-obsessed-with-lacroix-and-mercury-in-retrograde/\">Mercury is in retrograde\u003c/a>. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is pretending to be outraged over the charges, as if he didn't spend the entirety of Season 1 sabotaging Ross and wanting him to die in a stampede or avalanche or tsunami. Not buying it, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the edge of a cliff, Ross looks off into the distance and proclaims, \"A storm is coming.\" What can I say? Subtlety is not this show's strong suit. But there's shirtless scything so who cares?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza talks to Ross about their dead baby and the trial. Ross is in denial about both and says, \u003cem>You know what would be fun right now? Mining!\u003c/em> So they run off to their mine and the miners feel awkward, partly because their boss won't admit he's probably going to jail, but mostly because he cut his hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy is meeting with a lawyer. He wants Ross tried for murder because Ross doesn't want to be friends. Even his evil uncle is like, \u003cem>Really, dude?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a poor part of town, Mrs. Pigpen (Ross' former servant) is doing her laundry in a dirty puddle, as one in the 18th century does. Two men from the prosecution try to get her to sell out Ross. She's like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38850\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"no drag race gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a rich part of town, Pinky Ring (Ross' ex, now cousin-in-law) is unaccompanied (*gasp*). But no worries, evil Malfoy shows up to escort and salivate all over her. She's like, \u003cem>Ew, can you not? This is suede. Also, can you do me a solid and stop trying to get Ross thrown in jail? \u003c/em>Malfoy responds, \u003cem>So if I do that, will you be open to me then using this act of kindness to coerce you into making out with me whenever I want? And do you think Ross will finally want to hang out with me?\u003c/em> Pinky Ring is like, ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ \u003cem>yeah, sure\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets with Suze Orman's ancestor, who is appalled at the state of Ross' finances. Because he spent all of season 1 hiring people, he now has no money and will leave Demelza with a mountain of debt. Ross doesn't have much to say for himself, other than: \u003cem>My bad!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Pinky Ring writes Demelza a letter: \u003cem>Sorry about giving you the strep throat that killed your baby. And sorry about my husband ruining your husband. Wanna come over?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in town, some rich dude and a blonde woman pass Ross. Blondie is like, \u003cem>Yum! Who is that?!\u003c/em> Rich Dude is like, \u003cem>Just some nobody\u003c/em>. Ross catches Blondie doing a double take and thinks,\u003cem> I may be bankrupt and my hairs might be short, but I still got it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But more important than all that is Blondie's travel companion, a cute little pug!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38866\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-1440x806.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38865\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-800x444.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark-2\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-800x444.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-400x222.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-768x426.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1440x798.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1180x654.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-960x532.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-672x372.jpg 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-2.jpg 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38864\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-800x448.jpg\" alt=\"pug-poldark-3\" width=\"800\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-800x448.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-768x430.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-1440x807.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-1180x661.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3-960x538.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/pug-poldark-3.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>His name is Horace! I'm in love!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, Horace's mom, Blondie, is in Cornwall to visit her uncle. The rich dude she's with is running for a seat in Parliament and wants to marry her. She's just not that into him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a beach, Mr. Pigpen is passed out drunk (his default setting). The two dudes from prosecution try to bribe him with booze in exchange for testimony against Ross. And Mr. Pigpen is about to give it to them... until Mrs. Pigpen swoops in to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michelle-visage-drag-race-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38868\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michelle-visage-drag-race-gif.gif\" alt=\"no michelle visage drag race gif\" width=\"540\" height=\"304\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza agree to accept Pinky Ring's invitation and regret it immediately. Malfoy is there, doing his creepy I'll-help-you-in-exchange-for-bestie-status-and-make-outs-with-Pinky-Ring thing. Ross does not have time for this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38869\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif\" alt=\"viola davis purse leaving gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/viola-davis-purse-leaving-gif-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Tarot Card Agatha is in the corner living for every moment, snacking on popcorn:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38977\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-800x445.jpg\" alt=\"poldark-agatha-popcorn\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-800x445.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-400x223.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-768x427.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1440x801.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1180x657.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-960x534.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn-1038x576.jpg 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-agatha-popcorn.jpg 1680w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he gets home, Ross calls Malfoy an \"upstart poodle.\" He says some other stuff too, but I couldn't hear over my laughter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Upstart Poodle is proofreading a pamphlet he's having printed. It's the page from his Burn Book dedicated to Ross. It basically says this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/burn-book-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38870\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/burn-book-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"burn book mean girls gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is out for a walk and stops in on Blondie's uncle. You see, this guy apparently knows the judge who will preside over Ross' trial. She pretends to have gotten queasy as she was walking. You can take the girl out of the street, but you can't take the street smarts out of the girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the mine, Ross takes out all his aggression by hammering a rock really hard without a shirt on. This is a thank you from the show's producers to all the straight woman and gay men watching. Keep the gratitude, coming.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Overlooking his closed mine, Backstabber Cousin whines like a baby about how he sucks at life and wishes he was Ross. Pinky Ring tries to say something reassuring, but is cut off by Backstabber Cousin storming off like the brat that he is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Demelza sneakily gets into Blondie's uncle's favor. Parliament Wannabe and Blondie return home just in time to see Demelza leaving, and the former says she must be up to no good because she looks like a \"dangerous woman.\" If by that, he means that she is one of the best pop vocalists of her era, then yes, she is indeed a Dangerous Woman™:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38877\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg\" alt=\"demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande\" width=\"620\" height=\"620\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-400x400.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/demelza-dangerous-woman-ariana-grande-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a heath somewhere, Ross runs into Backstabber Cousin and does that thing where you see an acquaintance on public transportation but really just wanna keep reading your book so you hide behind strangers or just get off and wait for the next bus or train. But unfortunately for Ross, there's nowhere to hide in a big open field and nowhere to go other than off the cliff, which does actually seem like a kinder fate than dealing with this loser. Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying Ross still hates Backstabber Cousin for ruining his business, marrying his girlfriend and killing his newborn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy drops by and slobbers over her some more. He calls her ravishing and then realizes Tarot Card Agatha is still alive and sitting right there. He extends the compliment to her as well and, without missing a beat, Tarot Card Agatha calls him \"pasty-faced\" and says it's a \"consequence of sitting too long indoors fingering coin.\" MVP!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin walks in and whines about Ross not wanting to chit chat like old pals on the heath. Malfoy is like, \u003cem>Typical!\u003c/em> Pinky Ring sighs. Tarot Card Agatha thinks,\u003cem> I hate everyone in this room.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin shows everyone the page from Malfoy's Burn Book that's making the round and accuses Malfoy of having something to do with it, in the most polite, British way possible. Malfoy returns the favor by calling him bankrupt, in the most polite, British way possible.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dirty side street, Mr. Pigpen is drunk as ever and cornered by the prosecutors. Mrs. Pigpen is not around to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michlle-visage-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38884\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/no-michlle-visage-gif.gif\" alt=\"no michlle visage gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza is at the piano, playing the first single off of her new album \u003cem>Dangerous Woman\u003c/em>. Ross likes what he hears so much that he strips naked and they proceed to have sensual sex for a while (another thank you from the show's producers).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few miles away, now that he no longer has the money for a prostitute, Backstabber Cousin tries his hand at getting some from his wife. Pinky Ring is not having it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/14-01-Clueless-quotes.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38885\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/14-01-Clueless-quotes.gif\" alt=\"ew get off me clueless as if gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Blue Ball'd Backstabber Cousin looks up at a portrait of his dead father, whose disapproving face sends a clear message:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16986\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"tyra-rooting-for-you\" width=\"500\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin announces he's going to Ross' trial. Pinky Ring wants to come, but Backstabber Cousin says \"court is no place for a woman.\" I'd like to see you tell that to these women:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-38886 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-800x531.jpg\" width=\"800\" height=\"531\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-800x531.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-400x266.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-768x510.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-1180x784.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters-960x638.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Judges-bey-voters.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin is feeling emotional with the trial just around the corner and confesses to kind of being in love with Ross. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>SAME!\u003c/em> Finally they agree on something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a fancy coach, Horace the pug is redefining cuteness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38887\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-800x453.jpg\" alt=\"horace-4\" width=\"800\" height=\"453\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-800x453.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-400x226.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-768x435.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-1440x815.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-1180x668.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4-960x543.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-4.jpg 1673w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blondie is arguing with her uncle over whether she has to be by Parliament Wannabe's side as he finds out if he's been voted into office or not. Blondie says she's going to stay in and eat jellies with Horace instead. Now here's someone with their priorities in order!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross arrives to court and finds Malfoy's Burn Book pages all over the place. He accepts his fate: a guest starring role in the next season of \u003cem>Orange Is The New Black\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38888\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/orange-is-the-new-poldark.jpg\" alt=\"orange-is-the-new-poldark\" width=\"386\" height=\"477\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the local inn, Backstabber Cousin is complaining about there not being any rooms for him. Ross' doctor friend offers to share his room, but offers in that way you do when you want to be nice, but don't actually expect the person to take you up on it. Backstabber Cousin is all about making things awkward and being inappropriate, so get ready, roomie!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, as Doc is getting settled, there is an urgent call. Someone is gravely ill! Let it be Malfoy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Demelza is packing. Even though Ross forbade her from coming to the trial, she decides:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38896\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n3a2daPXy81rtszxfo1_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/BEYONCE-GIF-16-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38897\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/BEYONCE-GIF-16-1.gif\" alt=\"BEYONCE-GIF-16-1\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She hitches a ride with Verity (yay, the Queen is back!), who seems to be much happier now that she doesn't have to live with Backstabber Cousin and be reminded of how old everyone thinks 25 is every single day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doc shows up to help the gravely ill person. It's sadly not Malfoy, it's HORACE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>NOOOOOOO!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38889\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-800x447.jpg\" alt=\"horace-pug-5\" width=\"800\" height=\"447\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-400x224.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-1440x805.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-1180x660.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5-960x537.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/horace-pug-5.jpg 1676w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's been having spasms. Dear \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writer, kill off human babies if you must, but not Horace! Never Horace!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Phew! Horace just needs to be carried less. This whole thing was simply a way for Doc to have a meet cute with Blondie. I can live with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets with his lawyer, who advises him to be apologetic. Ross being Ross says, \u003cem>HA HA HA! NO.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some ballroom, everyone is voting and talking about Malfoy's Burn Book. Backstabber Cousin shows up to confront Malfoy over it and say that, no matter how much money he acquires:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/CwMdBE5KXRpLExcXERkfABgAChxdBgwfSgMTWgobGhEXHRFMBxUYDBYNB1tXQkJTTEJTWwYbDBMVCxEWSwQbAw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38899\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/CwMdBE5KXRpLExcXERkfABgAChxdBgwfSgMTWgobGhEXHRFMBxUYDBYNB1tXQkJTTEJTWwYbDBMVCxEWSwQbAw.gif\" alt=\"money can't buy you class gif countess\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy's reply:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/rs_500x300-151117115948-giphy_4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/rs_500x300-151117115948-giphy_4.gif\" alt=\"shut up regina george mean girls gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a hotel room, Verity tries to convince Demelza not to go out alone on some mysterious errand because the streets are full of drunkards, since it's Election Day. Demelza is like,\u003cem> I used to be homeless. I got this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza immediately runs into her born again father, who brings up her dead baby and her soon-to-be-dead husband as evidence of her sins. Demelza responds by hugging him and saying:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38901\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/26704-god-is-not-real.gif\" alt=\"god is not real beyonce gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the room, Verity is minding her own goddamn business when there's a knock at the door. It's Backstabber Cousin, who proceeds to barge in, chug all the booze that can be found, and say things like \"How does it feel to be married to a drunken brute?\" with zero self-awareness. And because this wouldn't be a Backstabber Cousin meltdown without some whining about Ross, he laments that Ross is so important that people publish Burn Books about him to get him hanged. \u003cem>What about me?? I want a Burn Book! I want to be hanged!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity does what Verity does best and serves up a hot helping of \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grlly.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grlly.gif\" alt=\"girl really gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza finally makes it to her destination, the ballroom where everyone is voting and where Blondie's uncle is hanging out. But not so fast! Malfoy, who seems to be everywhere at once, tells the guards Demelza is \"a harlot\" and shouldn't be let inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38909\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Kristen-Wiig-pissed.gif\" alt=\"Kristen-Wiig-pissed\" width=\"343\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the hotel, an employee lets Backstabber Cousin into Doc's room. The employee wonders if there's something gay going on: \"It's a small chamber, sir, and but a single bed!\" Backstabber Cousin assures him, \u003cem>I'm not planning on gay stuff, but I am planning on probably committing suicide. \u003c/em>The employee is like,\u003cem> Phew! Okay, bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross is chilling in his cell, awaiting trial. Malfoy shows up, as he always does. Someone get this villain a FitBit; he gets around! 10k steps before noon, easy. Anyway, Malfoy offers to help and Ross essentially says, \u003cem>Go F yourself. \u003c/em>Malfoy rejoices. Now he can tell Pinky Ring he tried to help, but was turned away, and she'll fall madly in love with him and have all the sex. Mmhm, keep telling yourself that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Pinky Ring, Tarot Card Agatha is -- what else -- pulling tarot cards! Justice, The Tower, Death. Before we can even guess what that all means, we are taken back to the hotel where Backstabber Cousin puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger. I'll let you guess which person in this gif represents me:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38941\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\" alt=\"survivor smile shocked gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in prison, Ross finds out Mr. Pigpen intends to testify against him. Wow. I wonder if the old lady sees Mr. Pigpen being torn apart by wild dogs in her tarot reading.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Demelza manages to sneak into the fancy ballroom and walks right up to Blondie, her uncle and Parliament Wannabe. Blondie is like, \u003cem>OMG, is your husband guilty?! What did he do? Let's dish, girlfriend!\u003c/em> Demelza is like, \u003cem>Ew.\u003c/em> A mob roars outside and Parliament Wannabe assumes they're \"clamoring\" for him. Hmm, clamoring to put your fancy head on a pike is more like it, but go ahead and check it out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the pub, everyone is talking about how badass French people are and how fun guillotines seem. They promise to start murdering rich people soon, but first they have to go to court to cheer on Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the fancy ballroom, Demelza's sweet talking only goes so far. Blondie's uncle just wants to drink his port and chill tonight, sorry. So she decides to talk to the judge herself. Uh oh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the election results are being read. It's a tie! So the sensible thing to do is to recount or revote, right? Apparently not. The omnipresent Malfoy is there, whispering in Parliament Wannabe's ear to just sit in the winner's chair (a literal chair) and just act like he deserves it (you know, revel in his white male privilege). So he does. The crowd carries around his chair like he just got Jewish married. But unlike what usually happens at weddings, the crowd also starts throwing feces directly into his face! Dear Cornwall, never change.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/alyssa-edwards-poop-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38985\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/alyssa-edwards-poop-gif.gif\" alt=\"alyssa edwards poop gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The feces instigator is thrown in the jail cell across from Ross. He speaks eloquently about civil rights... until a soldier knocks him unconscious with the butt of a rifle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Blondie is flirting a little too antagonistically for Doc's liking. She's offended that he's offended. Then he's offended that she's offended that he's offended. Cliff's Notes version: they will be married in two episodes or less.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Demelza is saying all the right things to the judge. \u003cem>OMG, you hate drinking? Me too! What a coinkidink! So anywayyy, what would you say if I told you someone was trying to bribe people into giving false testimonies??\u003c/em> Before the judge can answer, Malfoy slithers up and outs Demelza as Ross' wife. The judge is appalled! Malfoy's heart shrinks another size.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judge and Malfoy walk approximately three feet away to discuss how important it is to make an example of Ross so that poor people know their place (this place does not involve feces-throwing or basic human rights). This experience is going to make for a killer single on Demelza's next album.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the hotel, Ross' doctor friend is ready for bed, but his door is locked. The employee is like, \u003cem>Your maybe gay lover is in there.\u003c/em> Doc knocks, but there's no answer. The music swells and just as Doc is about to break down the door, Backstabber Cousin opens it, looking a hot mess. He's alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/unimpressed-whitney.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38948\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/unimpressed-whitney.gif\" alt=\"unimpressed whitney\" width=\"350\" height=\"303\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin tells Doc all about how his gun malfunctioned. He sucks at life and so do his belongings. He then proceeds to ramble about how he's still planning on killing himself, but wants to have a drink beforehand. Doc spends this whole time thinking about how anyone else would have picked up that his offering his room was just a formality. It wasn't a real suggestion. What is wrong with this dude?! Doc just wants a good night's sleep. Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Demelza yells at Malfoy and calls him out for being a blacksmith's grandson. He calls her out for being a miner's daughter and, soon, a gentleman's widow. Yikes. Lord Voldemort would be proud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/voldemort-hug-malfoy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38986\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/voldemort-hug-malfoy.gif\" alt=\"voldemort hug malfoy\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Backstabber Cousin is fiddling with his gun. Doc is lying on his bed, watching and feeling very awkward.Backstabber Cousin asks, \"Ask me, am I cleaning it to put away or do I intend to use it again?\" Doc is like, \u003cem>Ummm, are you cleaning it or do you intend to use it again?\u003c/em> Backstabber Cousin is like, \u003cem>OMG, thanks for asking! I'm not sure. I might kill someone else or myself. Still deciding.\u003c/em> What does a boring lunatic have to do for some attention and validation around here?! Apparently, brag for hours about maybe or maybe not committing suicide.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Malfoy and one of his Slytherin cronies are planning on stacking the courthouse with loud people who don't like Ross. Goodie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In prison, Ross and the Feces Thrower shoot the sh*t (pardon the pun; Carrie Bradshaw taught me). They hope they both get justice, but aren't too optimistic. And they shouldn't be because Feces Thrower is found guilty. The judge does not leave much to the imagination with his sentence: \"You are to be taken from hence to a place of execution, where you will be hanged from the neck... until you die.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38987\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\" alt=\"your tone seems very pointed right now gif willam\" width=\"232\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif 232w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 232px) 100vw, 232px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross enters the courtroom, almost everyone yells \"Murderer!\" and other fun things Malfoy paid them to say. Other people paid by Malfoy take the stand and say Ross kicked injured people and body slammed puppies, among other evil acts. Speaking of evil, Demelza's dad busts in to call Ross the Devil Incarnate. Cool story, bro; now off you go to the dentist to fix those black teeth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza starts hyperventilating and runs from the courtroom. Pinky Ring follows her out and blurts out, \"I came for Backstabber Cousin.\" Um, ok. She then says, \u003cem>Sorry I killed your baby with my germs. Is having a dead kid the worst?!\u003c/em> There's no real way to respond to that so Demelza blurts out, \u003cem>I'M PREGNANT!\u003c/em> That's nice if she is, but it would be awesome if she wasn't and she just uses that line to get out of awkward social situations.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Mr. Pigpen takes the stand and starts selling Ross out for a few coins. Everyone on #TeamRoss is disgusted. But then Mr. Pigpen changes his story either because his booze is wearing off or just kicking in (not sure what kind of drunk he is). His testimony is thrown out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The captain of the shipwreck, a reverse Sully if you will, takes the stand. He says the beach that night was like Dante's Inferno (oo, someone took AP English!) and adds that everyone really misbehaved. Ross speaks up and has a...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/destinys-child-question-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38956\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/destinys-child-question-gif.gif\" alt=\"destiny's child question gif\" width=\"535\" height=\"291\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross goes, \u003cem>Hey, Captain dude, remember when I protected you and your men and brought you to my house to keep you safe, even though I had just buried my baby and my wife was on her death bed?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Captain replies:\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38957\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif\" alt=\"Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah\" width=\"263\" height=\"263\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah.gif 263w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Elaine-Benes-Yeah-Yeah-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 263px) 100vw, 263px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross looks at the judge and jury and does this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/i-told-you-so-stephen-colbert.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38958\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/i-told-you-so-stephen-colbert.gif\" alt=\"i told you so stephen colbert\" width=\"332\" height=\"352\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's Doc's turn to take the stand. He basically says, \u003cem>Hey, guys! I'm a doctor and I can say Ross was kind of nuts that night 'cause of his dead baby and maybe dead wife. Plus, all the drinking he was doing for like a week straight. And the not sleeping for days on end. So yeah, he didn't do it, but if he did, he was just temporarily a little cray cray. Thanks for your time. Bye! \u003c/em>Everyone on #TeamRoss wishes Doc had stayed home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The court takes a short recess and Slytherin Crony asks why Malfoy isn't giddier. Malfoy is like, \u003cem>I mean, it's cool that Ross is going to die for not wanting to be my friend, but I want his mine too. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38959\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\" alt=\"veruca salt i want it now\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Backstabber Cousin approaches Pinky Ring to remind her he forbade her from coming and let her know he's still an insanely jealous, insecure prick. Then he walks away from her, as she's asking him a question, just to make sure she didn't forget how awful he is. How long does it take to fix a malfunctioning gun? (Too soon?)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The court regroups and Ross' lawyer tells him to either grovel or be hanged. So Ross gets ready to grit his teeth and apologize, until he doesn't. \u003cem>Hi, y'all. So yeah, there was kind of a riot and some people took things that didn't belong to them.... BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. ENGLAND'S CLASS SYSTEM IS BULLSHIT. SORRY NOT SORRY. I WOULD DO IT ALL AGAIN. I'M OUT!\u003c/em> Ross drops the mic and sits back down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' lawyer looks like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/marcia-clark-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38960\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/marcia-clark-crying.gif\" alt=\"marcia clark crying\" width=\"500\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The judge tells the jury,\u003cem> That was a cute speech and all, but he totally did it and I want you to convict him so I can hang him. K thx bai!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The jury takes approximately two whole minutes and comes back with their verdict. The defendant is....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>.....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>.........\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>..................\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>NOT GUILTY!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>#TeamRoss loses their sh*t, as if Oprah just gave them all cars...or, um, new horse-drawn carriages or whatever:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-12.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38967\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-12.gif\" alt=\"giphy (12)\" width=\"575\" height=\"394\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah-audience.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38970\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah-audience.gif\" alt=\"oprah-audience\" width=\"431\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6yic0l.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38971\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6yic0l.gif\" alt=\"6yic0l\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o.gif\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38968\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o.gif\" alt=\"5191284244_9b4bb75ffa_o\" width=\"350\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprahgif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38973\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprahgif.gif\" alt=\"oprahgif\" width=\"350\" height=\"197\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/favoritethingsprayer.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38974\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/favoritethingsprayer.gif\" alt=\"favoritethingsprayer\" width=\"350\" height=\"233\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/amypoehlerhead.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38969\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/amypoehlerhead.gif\" alt=\"amypoehlerhead\" width=\"320\" height=\"179\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Malfoy and his Slytherin Crony are all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah02.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38972\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oprah02.gif\" alt=\"oprah02\" width=\"356\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Swept up in all the hope fulfillment, Verity runs to her brother, Backstabber Cousin, and is like, \u003cem>Yayyyyyy! Also, let's not fight anymore, okay? Life is short and stuff.\u003c/em> Despite the wondrous optimism of the moment, Backstabber Cousin can't help but rain on the parade: \u003cem>Yeah, no. I still hate your husband for shooting me in the neck that one time.\u003c/em> Verity runs away crying. His magical power is inspiring that reaction in people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring walks up and has to pretend not to be elated about Ross not being hanged because it might send Backstabber Cousin into another one of his jealous tantrums. Just get a divorce! If it's good enough for Brangelina, it's good enough for you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza ride to the beach, where all their poor friends are having a chill bonfire. Everyone rejoices, violins and fiddles are played, the 18th century version of twerking occurs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Tarot Card Agatha shows Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring a card and proclaims, \"Not guilty!\" She should open up a stand or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Malfoy is busy doing this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38976\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-willy-wonka.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt-willy-wonka\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Slytherin Crony is like, \u003cem>Um, so we tried to kill Ross and it didn't work. Aren't you scared that he's going to try to kill us now?\u003c/em> Malfoy is like, \u003cem>Oh sh*t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At chez Ross, Demelza and Ross run into the Pigpens. Ross is still mad about the whole you-almost-got-me-killed-for-50-cents thing. But it seems as though he'll rehire them tomorrow because he just loves hiring people that much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a mansion across town, Malfoy locks and loads a pistol and puts it in his bedside table, as he should. Be afraid, be very afraid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza tells Ross she is perfectly happy... except that all that she wants is another baby, just as Ace of Base predicted. Ross says now is not a good time. Demelza realizes her strategy for revealing her pregnancy in a cute, fun way wasn't thought out so well, after all. They have sex anyway.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Malfoy:\u003c/strong> He reached Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-to-his-death levels of evil here. It's only a matter of time before Ross uses the Avada Kedavra spell on him, and I will be watching next to Tarot Card Agatha with popcorn in my lap.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>It's awesome that she tried to sneakily get Ross off the hook several times. If only she was actually any good at being sneaky.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Tarot Card Agatha\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> Everyone forgets she's still alive and/or assumes she's senile, but -- \u003cem>au contraire\u003c/em> -- she knows all, sees all, judges all. She's basically half Nostradamus, half insult comic. Keep on truckin', centenarian!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Ross\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>He lives! Well, technically, he doesn't since this is set centuries ago, but you know what I mean. Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Horace\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> If you don't agree with my awarding the number one spot to a dog, scroll back up and take in those photos of the beloved pug one more time. You'll understand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, everything that could have happened did. Pinky Ring gave birth, Uncle almost croaked, Backstabber Cousin boinked a prostitute, Demelza lost her V Card, Ross did chores nearly naked, oh yeah, and Ross and Demelza randomly got married and... you know what, it's just too much to list so go back and \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">read all about it\u003c/a>. I'll wait...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...Now that we're all caught up, I wonder what's in store for us this time around? Will Ross and Demelza go to Mykonos for their honeymoon, realize Cornwall and everyone in it sucks, and decide to just stay? Will Pinky Ring find out about her boring husband sleeping with a prostitute and pull a Lorena Bobbitt? Will Verity join the old lady with the tarot cards' coven and start punishing some of these a-holes? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza sings and skips in a field. Wouldn't you if you landed a hottie like that for a husband?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are back at home, talking smack about her. They really hope this is like Britney Spears' 55-hour Vegas marriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross watches Demelza cook. So she still has to be the maid, even though they're married now? The power dynamics in this relationship are troubling. The look on Ross' face communicates that he agrees. It also communicates, \u003cem>Holy crap, what in the world was I thinking?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He gets over these thoughts though and enters the kitchen, startling Demelza, who's like \u003cem>Ahh, my boss! I mean... my husband? \u003c/em>He flips her around and makes out with her. Demelza is like,\u003cem> I don't have time for this. I have chores!\u003c/em> And he's like,\u003cem> Oh, I have a chore for you to do... \u003c/em>They laugh conspiratorially like horny monsters.\u003cem> \u003c/em>Before you know it, they're naked in bed. So this show is now basically \u003cem>Melrose Place\u003c/em> minus a couple of centuries and LA's warm weather. Got it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Backstabber Cousin's mine, he's breaking all the management training rules. He pushes one of his workers for asking to be paid. Wow. Class act. Ross turns up to remind him of the man he isn't, so Backstabber Cousin naturally goes into a man baby tantrum (his default setting). \u003cem>Waaah! Did my daddy send you to tell me I'm not good enough? Waaaah! Did my wife send you to tell me I'm a bad lay? Waaaah!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is like, \u003cem>Um, woah.\u003c/em> Before he can say anything else, Backstabber Cousin brags about how much he's \"gaming and whoring.\" \u003cem>Every man does it\u003c/em>, he says. Ross replies, \u003cem>Not me. Spoiler: I got married to a poor person.\u003c/em> Backstabber Cousin is scandalized and secretly so very glad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grinch-stole-christmas.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38260\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grinch-stole-christmas.gif\" alt=\"grinch stole christmas\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin says the obvious things he's supposed to say: \u003cem>But she's so poor! You'll be ruined! And you won't be invited to Christmas dinner! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' response is repetitive but to the point:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wy5HQfeQKao\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We get a montage of everyone talking about how \"deranged\" this marriage is. Pinky Ring is in major denial and pretends to play the harp. Verity is eating it all up 'cause now everyone will forget the scandal that was that one single date she went on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even the village prostitute has something to say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> \"Is she beautiful?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...in a way.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38267\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"so rude kim kardashian gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Exsqueeze me?! How very dare you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I'll let it slide because it's directly followed by a quote that's way worse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy's Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Doors which were open will be slammed in his face. His ventures will fail. And you can enjoy the sight of him in the gutter, along with his slut.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can an anvil fall on this dude's head already?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen tell Demelza this whole thing is weird because she's still technically doing maid things. Demelza agrees and has a freshman-year-of-college-existential-crisis. Who am I?? No, \u003cem>what\u003c/em> am I? *takes a hit of some medicinal weed*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross gets bad news: the mine is not turning up any copper so he needs more funding to continue the digging or whatever. So he goes to meet with his rich donors and it isn't even a full 30 seconds before the village doctor says the following about people who don't have enough to eat: \"Those who cannot feed, should not breed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One more anvil please!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After taking Ross' rash behavior (his teenage misdemeanors, his freakout at Jim's trial, his marriage to a poor person) into consideration, some of the rich dudes decide not to give him any more money for the mine. Two dudes hand over some cash either because they're nice or they just felt too awkward to say no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross gets home, he gives Demelza a gift. It's a book. Um, who's gonna tell him she can't read? \"To practice your letters!\" I'm pretty sure handing an illiterate person a copy of\u003cem> Ulysses\u003c/em> and expecting them to be educated by the mere sight of all the weird squiggly shapes on the page isn't how that works. He also gives her ribbon to tie up her \"unruly mane.\" Ross is cute and all, but he's not really good at this whole not-making-a-woman-feel-like-total-crap thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and this exchange about their nascent marriage happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Nothing's changed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Nothing??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I do get less sleep.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38275\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\" alt=\"addams family eyebrow raise gif\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This next scene speaks for itself:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle is struggling to get on a horse to go see his mine.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Dr. Choke ordered bed rest!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Dr. Choke doesn't have a failing mind or a son whose neither use nor ornament!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Touched by your faith, father.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Not sufficiently touched to act like a man!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle's roast is interrupted by another heart attack.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If one must die, one might as well go down talking sh*t about Backstabber Cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross has a bit of a problem. You see, Demelza still acts like a poor person because marrying someone doesn't instantly change everything about you (imagine that!). She goes to the mine and says something about sticking a fork in her eye (soooo unladylike!) and she wrestles Mr. Pigpen to the ground for eating one of her pies (soooo unbecoming!). But Ross has a solution because he always does. I bet it involves hiring someone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And there it is! He decides to hire recently incarcerated Jim's baby mama a.k.a. Child Bride to be Demelza's lady's maid. Having someone to look down on and order around should have her acting like an entitled rich person in no time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross heads over to hang out with his dying uncle. When he gets there, the doctor is bloodletting Uncle. Umm, I was an English major, but I'm pretty sure that's not the right thing to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle, Verity and Ross talk about Ross' new marriage. Verity, down chick that she is, is thrilled for all the right reasons and congratulates Ross warmly. And then this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Francis especially was quick to see the advantage...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Father!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Of what?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"A wife to divert you. He feels it marginally less likely that you'll ride over and steal Pinky Ring from him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>: \"Father, compose yourself!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OHHHHH MY HEART!!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle has yet another heart attack.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his death bed, Uncle tells Ross: \"We both know Backstabber Cousin is not the man you are.\" Damn. The only person who dislikes Backstabber Cousin more than me is his own father.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the funeral, Backstabber Cousin basically hocks a loogie on his father's fresh grave:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"He'll be missed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Not by me. Is it terrible to feel nothing but relief?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, yeah, I'd say so. At this rate, Backstabber Cousin is going to turn into the monster from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/08/can-disagreeing-over-stranger-things-lead-to-divorce-probably/\">\u003cem>Stranger Things\u003c/em>\u003c/a> by the end of the season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/monster-meme-stranger-things-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38369\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/monster-meme-stranger-things-gif.gif\" alt=\"monster meme stranger things gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"331\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the funeral reception, the old lady with the tarot cards says Uncle probably died because he ate too much custard. Considering that the \"doctor\" was casually bloodletting, I'll take her medical opinion over his.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Malfoy and his uncle do what they do best: say super rude things loud enough for everyone to hear. Malfoy, who's supposed to be Backstabber Cousin's BFF, even name drops the prostitute they both have been sharing. Why do these two keep getting invites? Block them! Unfollow! Good day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Pinky Ring does what she does best: feeling sorry for herself, while looking out a window. Verity interrupts her moping to say one of them has to go downstairs and play the hostess and it probably should be Pinky Ring because she's the mistress of the house and Verity is blacklisted as a harlot for going on one innocent date with a man who kind of sort of murdered his wife.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It soon becomes clear that all Pinky Ring's moping isn't about the person who just died at all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"She didn't come. His wife...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"This isn't the occasion.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"Will you give him my good wishes?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Shouldn't you do that yourself?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity keeps it so real. She is the patron saint of \"Girl, really?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/latrice-girl-really-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38370\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/latrice-girl-really-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"latrice girl really gif drag race\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin continues to be evil.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You must be relieved.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"How?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You're not the only one to disgrace the family with an unsuitable attachment.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hit 'em with another one, Verity:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/girl-really-jujubee-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38377\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/girl-really-jujubee-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"girl really jujubee gif drag race\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy continues the tradition of being the mosquito that won't stop buzzing in your ear while you're sleeping. Ross is unbothered and basically says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/harry-potter-who-are-you-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38378\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/harry-potter-who-are-you-gif.gif\" alt=\"harry potter who are you gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"204\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy gets even by cornering the disgraced doctor and buying his shares in Ross' mine from him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some days later, Ross has a surprise for Demelza: Verity is coming over for a slumber party! Demelza immediately has an anxiety attack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All three of them sit for lunch and Verity catches them up on what's been going on at her house: Pinky Ring has been playing the harp (zzz), Pinky Ring has been speaking French to the baby (zzzzz), Verity has her needlework (zzzzzzzz) and old lady with the tarot cards, whose name is apparently Agatha, has her spinning (zzzzzzzzzzzz). While these fancy 18th century ladies have been bored out of their minds, Backstabber Cousin has been \"often away.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/darla-can-crush-gif-little-rascals.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38385\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/darla-can-crush-gif-little-rascals.gif\" alt=\"darla can crush gif little rascals\" width=\"390\" height=\"219\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross decides to go to work because the idea of forcing Verity and Demelza to make awkward cross-class small talk is hilarious. Verity is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/dont-leave-me-here-orange-is-the-new-black-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38386\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/dont-leave-me-here-orange-is-the-new-black-gif.gif\" alt=\"don't leave me here orange is the new black gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, they can't find copper and are running out of money. Sounds like it's time for Ross to take my earlier advice of turning the mine into a spot where hipsters can buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He could make a fortune!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza and Verity are needlepointing in awkward silence. Demelza wonders what a fancy lady would do and thinks,\u003cem> I know! I'll ring the maid bell! I'll ask for tea! Fancy ladies love super hot beverages you spend 25 minutes blowing on and only 1 minute actually enjoying! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Faux pas alert: it's way too early for tea! Oops!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After what seems like an eternity, the girls get to the real talk. Demelza is like, \u003cem>You think I'm trash, right?\u003c/em> And Verity is like, \u003cem>No, you are perfect for Ross. You're like his Rachel, you know? Oh, of course you don't know, that TV couple won't be imagined for some time. Anyway, you seem cool.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like at most slumber parties, talk turns to love and boys. Demelza doesn't believe Ross will ever truly love her but:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"When we're abed, I have reason to believe I please him.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38388\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"verity shocked poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-400x221.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-768x424.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-1440x794.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-1180x651.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-960x530.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM.png 1675w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity is to a gospel hymn as Demelza is to Salt n Pepa's \"Let's Talk About Sex.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But she's not judgmental 'cause she's a down chick with a heart of gold. \"Do you think I care a jot where you come from or who your father is or how well you curtsey?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity then teaches Demelza how to curtsey, dance, and set a table. It's basically a mash-up of the first parts of \u003cem>My Fair Lady\u003c/em> and \u003cem>The Princess Diaries. \u003c/em>Cute overload.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38389\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\" alt=\"lauren conrad aww gif\" width=\"357\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also, despite the limits of time and space, Beyonce's impact is still felt in 18th century Cornwall:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/779435919979925504\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Demelza asks if they can get Verity and the captain back together. Ross says no, strips naked and enjoys some kinky newlywed sex. That's certainly one way to answer a simple question.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Verity is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/get-in-loser-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38390\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/get-in-loser-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"get in loser mean girls gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"337\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They go to Mood Fabrics to pick out material for a hot new dress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On their way home, Verity asks, \u003cem>Dude, what's wrong. You suffering from buyers remorse or something?\u003c/em> Demelza says, \u003cem>God no, nothing like that! I just won't get to wear the dress for much longer 'cause I'm super duper pregnant! \u003c/em>Verity is like,\u003cem> I'm combelling!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, everyone in the region is freaking out over something. Bells are ringing, people are running and shouting, some dude is waving branches in the air like a lunatic. Ross rushes home and tells Demelza to quickly jump on his horse. She chooses this moment to have a heart-to-heart about how she feels he's always disappointed in her. Ross is like, \u003cem>Girl, you are tripping, now get on.\u003c/em> She's like \u003cem>Good talk\u003c/em> and gets on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out all the commotion was about the fishermen coming back with tons and tons of seafood! No one will starve this winter! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, word on the street is that the bloodletting doctor is talking a lot of mess about Ross' marriage and trying to convince others to stop financing his mine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/michelle-full-house-haters-gonna-hate-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38397\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/michelle-full-house-haters-gonna-hate-gif.gif\" alt=\"michelle full house haters gonna hate gif\" width=\"473\" height=\"341\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time passes. Winter comes. Demelza throws up a lot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>An invitation to Christmas dinner from Backstabber Cousin comes in the mail. Demelza is like, \u003cem>HARD PASS!\u003c/em> But Ross RSVPs anyway because men know best.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When the time comes, Demelza enters Backstabber Cousin's house and feels French-peasants-storming-Versailles feelings. Pinky Ring appears and everyone is expecting this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_leazlv0T901qe4ty6o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38399\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_leazlv0T901qe4ty6o1_400.gif\" alt=\"gossip girl purse throw gif fight\" width=\"350\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But this happens instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_lli6dj08jC1qibbuw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38400\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_lli6dj08jC1qibbuw.gif\" alt=\"gossip girl excited hug gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Solidarity, sister!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But things take a turn for the awkward when Tarot Card Agatha asks Demelza a bunch of questions that only rich people know the answer to. She's not doing it to be mean; she's just kind of senile, which explains why she says this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Go and sit by Pinky Ring so I can see how you measure up.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha decides, \u003cem>Ehhh, B minus.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin bullies Pinky Ring for no reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You think I don't know what you're about. Taking her under your wing, making her your friend. Oh, Ross, see how kind and generous I am? Look at what a pearl you've lost!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"You're being ridiculous.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin: \"\u003c/strong>Am I?!?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, so did a demonic spirit take over Backstabber Cousin's body or something? He was low-key deplorable in the beginning of the series, but this is some Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-off-a-cliff kind of evil.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different bedroom, a package arrives for Demelza. It's the dress she ordered on her shopping trip with Verity! I really hope there are harem pants in that box.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Ross hangs out with Pinky Ring like they didn't used to think they were soul mates. Pinky Ring complains about how Backstabber Cousin is gambling away all their money and having lots of sex that doesn't involve her. Ross is in the middle of being scandalized when Backstabber Cousin walks in and is like, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Whatcha talking about? Derp derp derp.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Demelza is having another anxiety attack. What if she morning-sicknesses all over her new dress at dinner?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, there's a knock on the door. Uninvited guests on Christmas, how very gauche! It's Malfoy, his uncle, that thirsty girl who is still upset that Ross didn't want to dance with her that one time, and some random. Oh, goodie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for dinner. Everyone is about to sit down when a shadow at the door appears. Decked out in her brand new dress, Demelza walks into the dining room like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38402\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\" alt=\"violet chacki drag race dress gif\" width=\"375\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone thinks, \u003cem>Slay, queen, slay!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dinner is served and the thirsty girl doesn't waste any time throwing digs Demelza's way. She brings up what a scandal the marriage was, how maids are always getting ideas of rising above their station, how any unwed woman above 23 should just kill herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity, who is 25, dies a little inside. I wish Verity would stand up, splash wine in this girl's face and say, \"'Tis my Christmas wish for you to get the F out of my house. Now scram!\" But this is 18th century England so she doesn't say anything. :-*(\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Pinky Ring plays the harp while everyone tries to stay awake. When she's done, Thirsty Girl grabs Demelza and tries to force her to play a lick on the harp too. Surely her governess taught her, right? Grrrrr.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross mentions that Demelza can sing and forces her to audition for \u003cem>The Voice\u003c/em> with no warning. She thinks, \u003cem>Oh, what the hell\u003c/em> and lets a folk song rip. She is the Tori Amos of her time and everyone is spell-bound, even the haters. They all think, \u003cem>I'll totally buy her album on iTunes, and I never pay for music anymore.\u003c/em> Nice try, Thirsty Girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza are walking home and hear bells coming from the mine. Did a canary die? Turns out no. But they found a crazy amount of copper though! Everyone laughs and hugs in slow motion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross is so happy that he finally tells Demelza that he loves her. Demelza tells him that she's pregnant. They have sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Thirsty Girl: \u003c/strong>This (dis)honor almost went to Backstabber Cousin because duh, but his dad just died, so I'll cut him some slack. If there's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women (like \u003cdel>Taylor Swift\u003c/del> Madeleine Albright said), Thirsty Girl certainly lives there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>The Prostitute\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Anyone who has to sleep with an insufferable bore like Backstabber Cousin that much deserves some kind of award.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Found The Copper: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Now maybe we won't have to hear about the mine every other minute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Kudos on the runway walk and the song. A star is born!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Verity\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Between her \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em> moments and her consistent kindness, what's not to love? I hope she gets to have sex before she dies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Ross' ex and his new girl have to spend Christmas together. Someone dies. These two things may or may not be related.",
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"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover | KQED",
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"headline": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, everything that could have happened did. Pinky Ring gave birth, Uncle almost croaked, Backstabber Cousin boinked a prostitute, Demelza lost her V Card, Ross did chores nearly naked, oh yeah, and Ross and Demelza randomly got married and... you know what, it's just too much to list so go back and \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">read all about it\u003c/a>. I'll wait...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...Now that we're all caught up, I wonder what's in store for us this time around? Will Ross and Demelza go to Mykonos for their honeymoon, realize Cornwall and everyone in it sucks, and decide to just stay? Will Pinky Ring find out about her boring husband sleeping with a prostitute and pull a Lorena Bobbitt? Will Verity join the old lady with the tarot cards' coven and start punishing some of these a-holes? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza sings and skips in a field. Wouldn't you if you landed a hottie like that for a husband?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are back at home, talking smack about her. They really hope this is like Britney Spears' 55-hour Vegas marriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross watches Demelza cook. So she still has to be the maid, even though they're married now? The power dynamics in this relationship are troubling. The look on Ross' face communicates that he agrees. It also communicates, \u003cem>Holy crap, what in the world was I thinking?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He gets over these thoughts though and enters the kitchen, startling Demelza, who's like \u003cem>Ahh, my boss! I mean... my husband? \u003c/em>He flips her around and makes out with her. Demelza is like,\u003cem> I don't have time for this. I have chores!\u003c/em> And he's like,\u003cem> Oh, I have a chore for you to do... \u003c/em>They laugh conspiratorially like horny monsters.\u003cem> \u003c/em>Before you know it, they're naked in bed. So this show is now basically \u003cem>Melrose Place\u003c/em> minus a couple of centuries and LA's warm weather. Got it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Backstabber Cousin's mine, he's breaking all the management training rules. He pushes one of his workers for asking to be paid. Wow. Class act. Ross turns up to remind him of the man he isn't, so Backstabber Cousin naturally goes into a man baby tantrum (his default setting). \u003cem>Waaah! Did my daddy send you to tell me I'm not good enough? Waaaah! Did my wife send you to tell me I'm a bad lay? Waaaah!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross is like, \u003cem>Um, woah.\u003c/em> Before he can say anything else, Backstabber Cousin brags about how much he's \"gaming and whoring.\" \u003cem>Every man does it\u003c/em>, he says. Ross replies, \u003cem>Not me. Spoiler: I got married to a poor person.\u003c/em> Backstabber Cousin is scandalized and secretly so very glad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grinch-stole-christmas.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38260\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/grinch-stole-christmas.gif\" alt=\"grinch stole christmas\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin says the obvious things he's supposed to say: \u003cem>But she's so poor! You'll be ruined! And you won't be invited to Christmas dinner! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' response is repetitive but to the point:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/Wy5HQfeQKao'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/Wy5HQfeQKao'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>We get a montage of everyone talking about how \"deranged\" this marriage is. Pinky Ring is in major denial and pretends to play the harp. Verity is eating it all up 'cause now everyone will forget the scandal that was that one single date she went on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even the village prostitute has something to say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> \"Is she beautiful?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"...in a way.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38267\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"so rude kim kardashian gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Exsqueeze me?! How very dare you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I'll let it slide because it's directly followed by a quote that's way worse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Malfoy's Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Doors which were open will be slammed in his face. His ventures will fail. And you can enjoy the sight of him in the gutter, along with his slut.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can an anvil fall on this dude's head already?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen tell Demelza this whole thing is weird because she's still technically doing maid things. Demelza agrees and has a freshman-year-of-college-existential-crisis. Who am I?? No, \u003cem>what\u003c/em> am I? *takes a hit of some medicinal weed*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross gets bad news: the mine is not turning up any copper so he needs more funding to continue the digging or whatever. So he goes to meet with his rich donors and it isn't even a full 30 seconds before the village doctor says the following about people who don't have enough to eat: \"Those who cannot feed, should not breed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One more anvil please!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After taking Ross' rash behavior (his teenage misdemeanors, his freakout at Jim's trial, his marriage to a poor person) into consideration, some of the rich dudes decide not to give him any more money for the mine. Two dudes hand over some cash either because they're nice or they just felt too awkward to say no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Ross gets home, he gives Demelza a gift. It's a book. Um, who's gonna tell him she can't read? \"To practice your letters!\" I'm pretty sure handing an illiterate person a copy of\u003cem> Ulysses\u003c/em> and expecting them to be educated by the mere sight of all the weird squiggly shapes on the page isn't how that works. He also gives her ribbon to tie up her \"unruly mane.\" Ross is cute and all, but he's not really good at this whole not-making-a-woman-feel-like-total-crap thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and this exchange about their nascent marriage happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"Nothing's changed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Nothing??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"I do get less sleep.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38275\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\" alt=\"addams family eyebrow raise gif\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This next scene speaks for itself:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle is struggling to get on a horse to go see his mine.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Dr. Choke ordered bed rest!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Dr. Choke doesn't have a failing mind or a son whose neither use nor ornament!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Touched by your faith, father.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Not sufficiently touched to act like a man!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle's roast is interrupted by another heart attack.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If one must die, one might as well go down talking sh*t about Backstabber Cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross has a bit of a problem. You see, Demelza still acts like a poor person because marrying someone doesn't instantly change everything about you (imagine that!). She goes to the mine and says something about sticking a fork in her eye (soooo unladylike!) and she wrestles Mr. Pigpen to the ground for eating one of her pies (soooo unbecoming!). But Ross has a solution because he always does. I bet it involves hiring someone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And there it is! He decides to hire recently incarcerated Jim's baby mama a.k.a. Child Bride to be Demelza's lady's maid. Having someone to look down on and order around should have her acting like an entitled rich person in no time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross heads over to hang out with his dying uncle. When he gets there, the doctor is bloodletting Uncle. Umm, I was an English major, but I'm pretty sure that's not the right thing to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle, Verity and Ross talk about Ross' new marriage. Verity, down chick that she is, is thrilled for all the right reasons and congratulates Ross warmly. And then this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Francis especially was quick to see the advantage...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Father!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Of what?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"A wife to divert you. He feels it marginally less likely that you'll ride over and steal Pinky Ring from him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>: \"Father, compose yourself!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OHHHHH MY HEART!!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>[Uncle has yet another heart attack.]\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his death bed, Uncle tells Ross: \"We both know Backstabber Cousin is not the man you are.\" Damn. The only person who dislikes Backstabber Cousin more than me is his own father.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the funeral, Backstabber Cousin basically hocks a loogie on his father's fresh grave:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"He'll be missed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Not by me. Is it terrible to feel nothing but relief?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, yeah, I'd say so. At this rate, Backstabber Cousin is going to turn into the monster from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/08/can-disagreeing-over-stranger-things-lead-to-divorce-probably/\">\u003cem>Stranger Things\u003c/em>\u003c/a> by the end of the season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/monster-meme-stranger-things-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38369\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/monster-meme-stranger-things-gif.gif\" alt=\"monster meme stranger things gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"331\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the funeral reception, the old lady with the tarot cards says Uncle probably died because he ate too much custard. Considering that the \"doctor\" was casually bloodletting, I'll take her medical opinion over his.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Malfoy and his uncle do what they do best: say super rude things loud enough for everyone to hear. Malfoy, who's supposed to be Backstabber Cousin's BFF, even name drops the prostitute they both have been sharing. Why do these two keep getting invites? Block them! Unfollow! Good day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Pinky Ring does what she does best: feeling sorry for herself, while looking out a window. Verity interrupts her moping to say one of them has to go downstairs and play the hostess and it probably should be Pinky Ring because she's the mistress of the house and Verity is blacklisted as a harlot for going on one innocent date with a man who kind of sort of murdered his wife.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It soon becomes clear that all Pinky Ring's moping isn't about the person who just died at all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"She didn't come. His wife...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"This isn't the occasion.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"Will you give him my good wishes?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Shouldn't you do that yourself?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity keeps it so real. She is the patron saint of \"Girl, really?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/latrice-girl-really-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38370\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/latrice-girl-really-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"latrice girl really gif drag race\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin continues to be evil.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You must be relieved.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"How?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You're not the only one to disgrace the family with an unsuitable attachment.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hit 'em with another one, Verity:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/girl-really-jujubee-gif-drag-race.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38377\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/girl-really-jujubee-gif-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"girl really jujubee gif drag race\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy continues the tradition of being the mosquito that won't stop buzzing in your ear while you're sleeping. Ross is unbothered and basically says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/harry-potter-who-are-you-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38378\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/harry-potter-who-are-you-gif.gif\" alt=\"harry potter who are you gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"204\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy gets even by cornering the disgraced doctor and buying his shares in Ross' mine from him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some days later, Ross has a surprise for Demelza: Verity is coming over for a slumber party! Demelza immediately has an anxiety attack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All three of them sit for lunch and Verity catches them up on what's been going on at her house: Pinky Ring has been playing the harp (zzz), Pinky Ring has been speaking French to the baby (zzzzz), Verity has her needlework (zzzzzzzz) and old lady with the tarot cards, whose name is apparently Agatha, has her spinning (zzzzzzzzzzzz). While these fancy 18th century ladies have been bored out of their minds, Backstabber Cousin has been \"often away.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/darla-can-crush-gif-little-rascals.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38385\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/darla-can-crush-gif-little-rascals.gif\" alt=\"darla can crush gif little rascals\" width=\"390\" height=\"219\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross decides to go to work because the idea of forcing Verity and Demelza to make awkward cross-class small talk is hilarious. Verity is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/dont-leave-me-here-orange-is-the-new-black-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38386\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/dont-leave-me-here-orange-is-the-new-black-gif.gif\" alt=\"don't leave me here orange is the new black gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"193\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, they can't find copper and are running out of money. Sounds like it's time for Ross to take my earlier advice of turning the mine into a spot where hipsters can buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He could make a fortune!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Demelza and Verity are needlepointing in awkward silence. Demelza wonders what a fancy lady would do and thinks,\u003cem> I know! I'll ring the maid bell! I'll ask for tea! Fancy ladies love super hot beverages you spend 25 minutes blowing on and only 1 minute actually enjoying! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Faux pas alert: it's way too early for tea! Oops!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After what seems like an eternity, the girls get to the real talk. Demelza is like, \u003cem>You think I'm trash, right?\u003c/em> And Verity is like, \u003cem>No, you are perfect for Ross. You're like his Rachel, you know? Oh, of course you don't know, that TV couple won't be imagined for some time. Anyway, you seem cool.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like at most slumber parties, talk turns to love and boys. Demelza doesn't believe Ross will ever truly love her but:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"When we're abed, I have reason to believe I please him.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-38388\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"verity shocked poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-400x221.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-768x424.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-1440x794.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-1180x651.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM-960x530.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-23-at-2.35.01-PM.png 1675w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity is to a gospel hymn as Demelza is to Salt n Pepa's \"Let's Talk About Sex.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But she's not judgmental 'cause she's a down chick with a heart of gold. \"Do you think I care a jot where you come from or who your father is or how well you curtsey?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity then teaches Demelza how to curtsey, dance, and set a table. It's basically a mash-up of the first parts of \u003cem>My Fair Lady\u003c/em> and \u003cem>The Princess Diaries. \u003c/em>Cute overload.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38389\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/lauren-conrad-aww-gif.gif\" alt=\"lauren conrad aww gif\" width=\"357\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also, despite the limits of time and space, Beyonce's impact is still felt in 18th century Cornwall:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>That night, Demelza asks if they can get Verity and the captain back together. Ross says no, strips naked and enjoys some kinky newlywed sex. That's certainly one way to answer a simple question.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Verity is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/get-in-loser-mean-girls-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38390\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/get-in-loser-mean-girls-gif.gif\" alt=\"get in loser mean girls gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"337\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They go to Mood Fabrics to pick out material for a hot new dress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On their way home, Verity asks, \u003cem>Dude, what's wrong. You suffering from buyers remorse or something?\u003c/em> Demelza says, \u003cem>God no, nothing like that! I just won't get to wear the dress for much longer 'cause I'm super duper pregnant! \u003c/em>Verity is like,\u003cem> I'm combelling!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, everyone in the region is freaking out over something. Bells are ringing, people are running and shouting, some dude is waving branches in the air like a lunatic. Ross rushes home and tells Demelza to quickly jump on his horse. She chooses this moment to have a heart-to-heart about how she feels he's always disappointed in her. Ross is like, \u003cem>Girl, you are tripping, now get on.\u003c/em> She's like \u003cem>Good talk\u003c/em> and gets on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out all the commotion was about the fishermen coming back with tons and tons of seafood! No one will starve this winter! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, word on the street is that the bloodletting doctor is talking a lot of mess about Ross' marriage and trying to convince others to stop financing his mine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/michelle-full-house-haters-gonna-hate-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38397\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/michelle-full-house-haters-gonna-hate-gif.gif\" alt=\"michelle full house haters gonna hate gif\" width=\"473\" height=\"341\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time passes. Winter comes. Demelza throws up a lot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>An invitation to Christmas dinner from Backstabber Cousin comes in the mail. Demelza is like, \u003cem>HARD PASS!\u003c/em> But Ross RSVPs anyway because men know best.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When the time comes, Demelza enters Backstabber Cousin's house and feels French-peasants-storming-Versailles feelings. Pinky Ring appears and everyone is expecting this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_leazlv0T901qe4ty6o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38399\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_leazlv0T901qe4ty6o1_400.gif\" alt=\"gossip girl purse throw gif fight\" width=\"350\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But this happens instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_lli6dj08jC1qibbuw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38400\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_lli6dj08jC1qibbuw.gif\" alt=\"gossip girl excited hug gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Solidarity, sister!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But things take a turn for the awkward when Tarot Card Agatha asks Demelza a bunch of questions that only rich people know the answer to. She's not doing it to be mean; she's just kind of senile, which explains why she says this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Go and sit by Pinky Ring so I can see how you measure up.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Agatha decides, \u003cem>Ehhh, B minus.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin bullies Pinky Ring for no reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"You think I don't know what you're about. Taking her under your wing, making her your friend. Oh, Ross, see how kind and generous I am? Look at what a pearl you've lost!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pinky Ring:\u003c/strong> \"You're being ridiculous.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin: \"\u003c/strong>Am I?!?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, so did a demonic spirit take over Backstabber Cousin's body or something? He was low-key deplorable in the beginning of the series, but this is some Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-off-a-cliff kind of evil.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different bedroom, a package arrives for Demelza. It's the dress she ordered on her shopping trip with Verity! I really hope there are harem pants in that box.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Ross hangs out with Pinky Ring like they didn't used to think they were soul mates. Pinky Ring complains about how Backstabber Cousin is gambling away all their money and having lots of sex that doesn't involve her. Ross is in the middle of being scandalized when Backstabber Cousin walks in and is like, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Whatcha talking about? Derp derp derp.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Demelza is having another anxiety attack. What if she morning-sicknesses all over her new dress at dinner?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, there's a knock on the door. Uninvited guests on Christmas, how very gauche! It's Malfoy, his uncle, that thirsty girl who is still upset that Ross didn't want to dance with her that one time, and some random. Oh, goodie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for dinner. Everyone is about to sit down when a shadow at the door appears. Decked out in her brand new dress, Demelza walks into the dining room like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38402\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\" alt=\"violet chacki drag race dress gif\" width=\"375\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone thinks, \u003cem>Slay, queen, slay!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dinner is served and the thirsty girl doesn't waste any time throwing digs Demelza's way. She brings up what a scandal the marriage was, how maids are always getting ideas of rising above their station, how any unwed woman above 23 should just kill herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity, who is 25, dies a little inside. I wish Verity would stand up, splash wine in this girl's face and say, \"'Tis my Christmas wish for you to get the F out of my house. Now scram!\" But this is 18th century England so she doesn't say anything. :-*(\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Pinky Ring plays the harp while everyone tries to stay awake. When she's done, Thirsty Girl grabs Demelza and tries to force her to play a lick on the harp too. Surely her governess taught her, right? Grrrrr.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross mentions that Demelza can sing and forces her to audition for \u003cem>The Voice\u003c/em> with no warning. She thinks, \u003cem>Oh, what the hell\u003c/em> and lets a folk song rip. She is the Tori Amos of her time and everyone is spell-bound, even the haters. They all think, \u003cem>I'll totally buy her album on iTunes, and I never pay for music anymore.\u003c/em> Nice try, Thirsty Girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross and Demelza are walking home and hear bells coming from the mine. Did a canary die? Turns out no. But they found a crazy amount of copper though! Everyone laughs and hugs in slow motion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross is so happy that he finally tells Demelza that he loves her. Demelza tells him that she's pregnant. They have sex.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Thirsty Girl: \u003c/strong>This (dis)honor almost went to Backstabber Cousin because duh, but his dad just died, so I'll cut him some slack. If there's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women (like \u003cdel>Taylor Swift\u003c/del> Madeleine Albright said), Thirsty Girl certainly lives there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>The Prostitute\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Anyone who has to sleep with an insufferable bore like Backstabber Cousin that much deserves some kind of award.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Found The Copper: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Now maybe we won't have to hear about the mine every other minute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Demelza\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Kudos on the runway walk and the song. A star is born!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Verity\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Between her \u003cem>Girl, really?\u003c/em> moments and her consistent kindness, what's not to love? I hope she gets to have sex before she dies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, fragile masculinity led to several guns going off, but who cares about all that 'cause Ross went skinny dipping! Will Ross realize that, instead of reopening the mine, he could make more money by converting it into a spot for hipsters to buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices? Will Verity end up joining the village prostitute's #squad, since everyone already thinks she's a woman of the night? Will Pinky Ring's baby end up looking like Ross because that's how penetrating his gaze is? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's opening day for Ross' mine and the whole town shows up for a hootenanny (actually, there's no music; I just really wanted to use the word hootenanny). Ross has hired everyone within a 15 mile radius because, like I said last episode, he really gets off on job creation. Ross does not use a huge pair of scissors to cut a red ribbon, which is a missed opportunity, if you ask me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some old dudes watch Demelza pour Ross some wine from the sidelines and wonder if the rumors of them getting it on are true. Both agree Ross would be a fool if they weren't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a hill, Ross' uncle and wimpy cousin try to decide if they're still mad at Ross. Uncle decides nah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"He saved your life! Time for you to demonstrate it wasn't wasted.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36622\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\" alt=\"preach gif\" width=\"260\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But wait. It appears as though I was a bit too hasty with the Encouraging Preach Hand™. Uncle didn't mean that Backstabber Cousin should help Ross. He instead wants him to make sure Ross' mine doesn't do better than theirs. They ride off without attending the hootenanny because why stop being a-holes when they've been so good at it for two full episodes?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring is reading a book because there wasn't really much else for a woman to do in those days. She suffers a pain in her pregnant belly. As someone who is still not over Sybil's death from preeclampsia on \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, this is very triggering for me. #HaremPantsForever\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza breaks up a physical fight between the Pigpens because they've been drinking rum. Mrs. Pigpen fakes a sprained wrist so Demelza will have to do all the chores. If Verity ever finds that matriarchal society, I hope she invites Demelza to come with.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, there is concern over some boy named Jim. You see, he's been poaching, which is illegal, and he also found time to knock someone up. Ross is so good at helping people by this point that he hires both the boy and his baby mama to fix up an old shed that they will then live in, then arranges for Jim to ask this girl's father for her hand and plans their wedding, all within the span of two minutes. You have as many hours in a day as Beyonce... and Ross Poldark. Do something with your life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Demelza is nervous about her first foray into cooking. She serves Ross some sort of savory pie that she glazed and everything. Ross takes his time masticating and making the this-sponge-is-a-bit-too-moist face, just like that rude bald judge on \u003cem>The Great British Bake Off\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"So Mrs. Pigpen's recovery will take some time?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"About a month or so, sir.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Have it delayed as long as possible.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5e9d9e699c9de7a3fdf58a50cbe90fd17f4f97e8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-36648 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5e9d9e699c9de7a3fdf58a50cbe90fd17f4f97e8.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36649\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif 2\" width=\"499\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36650\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif 3\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Verity's Den of Sorrow, she's hanging out with Pinky Ring, needle-pointing (zzzz). I can't see what Verity is working on, but it's most likely fancy lettering spelling out: \u003cem>I'm going to die a virgin. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring is like \u003cem>I wish you would get over your almost husband. Being super dramatic about boys is kind of my thing.\u003c/em> Verity considers decking her, but right then Pinky Ring has another weird pregnancy pain so the brawl must wait.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Jim's wedding is already happening (I told you Ross works quickly). Everyone's having such a good time that no one pauses long enough to be like, \u003cem>Ew, Jim married a literal child.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36657\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-800x439.png\" alt=\"poldark wedding\" width=\"800\" height=\"439\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-800x439.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-400x219.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-768x421.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-1440x790.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-1180x647.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-960x526.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SHE'S THE TINY, SAD, PREGNANT ONE IN BLUE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, a priest is lecturing Ross about how he should give up his fornicating ways for a proper marriage. Ross is probably thinking, \u003cem>Someone just married a 10 year old and you're worried about me having sex with consenting adult women?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross ditches Mr. Holier Than Thou and watches Demelza and other poor people do the 18th century version of twerking. It looks fun so he joins in and looks at Demelza in a way that suggest they'll be fornicating pre-marriage very, very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Pinky Ring primly pushes a human being out of her body. It's a boy so everyone is pleased.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"The line continues! Well done, my boy.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, thank Pinky Ring. She did the work.\" (OMG, is Backstabber Cousin a feminist?!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doctor:\u003c/strong> \"Ah, women.\" (Nothing good can follow this phrase). \"They make a song and dance about it, but if things are properly managed...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nnieusKZWj1tsuskao2_1280.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36665\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nnieusKZWj1tsuskao2_1280.jpg\" alt=\"beyonce mad\" width=\"592\" height=\"334\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone hold me back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Ross finds a letter announcing the arrival of his ex's baby. He secretly wishes he had let Backstabber Cousin bleed out after that duel in his backyard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, there's a fancy let's-all-get-drunk-and-touch-the-new-baby-with-our-germy-hands cocktail hour. Ross shows up, ready to put a hex on the rugrat à la Maleficent. Everyone gawks and imagines how much cuter the baby would have been with Ross' genetics. Such a shame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy pops up with his miserable uncle to say rude things about poor people and Ross' mine. Pinky Ring's mother slides in with her own classist BS. Ross deals with these people expertly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"chappelle show diss gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross walks over to Pinky Ring and Backstabber Cousin to get the whole pretending-to-be-happy-for-them thing over with. Backstabber Cousin, the least perceptive person on the planet, is like, \u003cem>HOLD THE BABY I MADE WITH YOUR EX! ISN'T THIS FUN?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring takes it a step further and tells Ross she wishes he could be the child's godfather instead of Malfoy. I wish Demelza was here so she could serve up another one of her \"Girl, are you serious?\" looks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy whisper some sweet nothing into Backstabber Cousin's ear and B.C. goes from unaware dope to jealous homicidal psycho in less than 2 seconds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37159\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-800x443.png\" alt=\"francis poldark psycho\" width=\"800\" height=\"443\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-800x443.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-400x222.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-768x425.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1440x798.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1180x654.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-960x532.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Stare at him staring, while listening to this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOy6hqzfsAs\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But who is he kidding? If he couldn't kill a random middle-aged captain, there's no way he's taking down Ross Adonis Poldark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle gives a speech all about how this new baby named after him proves that his lineage is thriving and will continue forevermore... and then has a heart attack. The old lady with the tarot cards doesn't even need to bring them out to say this isn't a great omen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As that harlot Verity selflessly tends to her father, Backstabber Cousin just stands there, still doing that staring like a murderous maniac thing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37161\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-800x442.png\" alt=\"francis poldark sucks\" width=\"800\" height=\"442\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-800x442.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-400x221.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-768x424.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-1440x795.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-1180x652.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-960x530.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM.png 1675w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOy6hqzfsAs\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way home, Ross overhears the thirsty girl from the ball, her mother, and Pinky Ring's mother all gossiping about how he's probably sleeping with the help. When he storms past them, thirsty girl's mom yells after him: \"Ross Poldark is no gentleman!\" This is not the way you treat a war hero! This is also not the way you persuade a war hero to marry your rude daughter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Pinky Ring puts her cursed baby to bed and is about to enjoy some precious me time, when Backstabber Cousin comes in and insists on dry-humping her. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>Dude, I literally just had a baby, can we not?\u003c/em>, which evokes a man child tantrum about how he's sure she wishes their baby belonged to Ross. Okay, I can get down with a glacier-paced love triangle (see: my high school obsession with the WB show \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/felicity/\">\u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em>\u003c/a>), but this is getting out-of-hand and frankly boring. I hope \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> has more to offer than this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin storms out of the bedroom and finds another woman to bully, this time it's Hester Prynne! Uh, I mean Verity. He accuses her of trying to eavesdrop at his keyhole, taking Ross' side and knowing diddly squat about how marriage is actually \"misery.\" In essence, he tells her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37767\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tenor.gif\" alt=\"you're a virgin who can't drive clueless tai gif\" width=\"496\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity rightly thinks that's way harsh, especially 'cause he's the reason she has yet to find out how miserable marriage is. She looks at the sea captain's painted portrait hidden in a locket. He's still creepy looking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Jim's child bride complains to Demelza about how her husband is still poaching and gonna get himself locked up. And she can't count on supporting herself with a check from MTV's \u003cem>Teen Mom\u003c/em> because the channel and the show haven't been invented yet!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Uncle tells Backstabber Cousin he needs to start working. Backstabber Cousin is like, \u003cem>Work? Me? But I don't know how to do anything! \u003c/em>Uncle insists so Backstabber Cousin heads to his mine and tries making small chat with the workers... while seated on his horse, wearing a top hat. The poor people spend their day's allowance of side eye on him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross gives Demelza a stellar employee review. She always anticipates his needs and works the fields like no one else. Demelza almost brings up that it's unfair that she makes 79 cents to Mr. Pigpen's dollar, but instead brings up Jim's poaching. Ross responds the only way he knows how: \u003cem>I'll hire him to do something else for me! That should solve it! \u003c/em>Suze Orman thinks it's a very bad idea to hire hundreds of people when you are already bankrupt, but alas, she won't be around to tell Ross that for another couple of centuries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Child Bride shows up to cry in Demelza's face. You see, Jim went poaching again and his stupid chronic cough got him caught.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs into a phone booth, twirls around a bunch and comes out Super(AdvocateForPoorFolk)Man! Off the caped crusader rides to convince the rich person whose pheasants Jim was trying to steal to drop the charges. But he's too late! Jim is already set for trial! And the rich dude hopes they hang him! Ross returns home to tell Demelza and says, \u003cem>Ugh, rich people are the worst!!!\u003c/em> Demelza responds, \u003cem>I know, right?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross goes to pick up Child Bride to attend the trial, but she's in labor because her life doesn't suck enough right now. Ross enters the court and asks a different rich dude if Jim's bad lungs might preclude a prison sentence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Rich dude:\u003c/strong> \"No good will come of being sentimental of such folk. They're a different breed! A different breed!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37954\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\" alt=\"how dare you mindy kaling gif\" width=\"160\" height=\"174\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Homeboy said it twice, in case the first time wasn't infuriating enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross takes the stand to combine his good looks with a rendition of Jim's sob story in order to emancipate good ol' Jim. The old bewigged dudes are not buying any of it. He's too sick to go to prison, but he's not too sick to run around stealing pheasants and knocking up tweens? This is not going well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And things aren't going that much better in a field near chez Ross. Demelza's dad and his black teeth are back again. This time, he's wearing a nice suit because he got married and started believing in god! Unlike Jesus, he's not very understanding or compassionate and goes right into accusing Demelza of giving into the Temptation of the Flesh (Ross' flesh, that is) and being touched by the Devil. Demelza defends herself with a statement that could easily be taken the wrong way: \"He's my master and I'm his servant!\" #50Shades, anyone? Demelza's dad says he'll be back tomorrow to fetch her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at court, the judges announce they've decided to take Ross' testimony and cute face into account. They will grant young Jim some leniency. Before Ross has the chance to flip his hair in triumph, the judges proclaim: TWO YEARS IMPRISONMENT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/large-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37891\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/large-1.gif\" alt=\"phoebe friends shock gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jim immediately starts coughing. You couldn't have done a little more of that during deliberation? It's too late now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross sees red and decides to go all the way off. His rant is basically this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=af7Jctuqhcg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross heads to the pub to get alcohol poisoning. It isn't long before the prostitute shows up, but Ross declines this time. On his way out, he sees her mounting someone else... IT'S BACKSTABBER COUSIN!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37892\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"mr bean shocked gif\" width=\"435\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> Poldark, you say?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> Not \u003cem>a\u003c/em> Poldark. \u003cem>THE\u003c/em> Poldark!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> What other Poldark is there?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> *aroused, erotic sigh*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin is totally the guy who gently weeps, while having sex. He's also the type of guy who ends up dying mid coitus. We can only hope...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the ranch, Demelza is bummed she has to leave Ross and all his cool things. She says goodbye to each one and then pauses when she finds a beautiful gown hidden in a chest. She tries it on because how else is Ross going to find her in it and freak out?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right on schedule, Ross comes home and starts screaming for Demelza. His back is turned so maybe she can get away with serving him without being spotted? Ross rants about poor imprisoned Jim and the terrible state of the justice system, while Demelza tries to tiptoe out. But of course he sees her at the last moment. What ensues is essentially the \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em> scene in which the Beast freaks the F out on Belle for touching his stuff:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJZuQl5hT2U\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually he calms down enough to rub her face and kind of sort of apologize and... MAKE OUT WITH HER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers.gif\" alt=\"full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers\" width=\"447\" height=\"313\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza immediately blames herself because that's what the patriarchy has taught her to do and Ross yells at her to go to bed because that's what the patriarchy has taught him to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few minutes later, Demelza knocks on his bedroom door.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37901\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-3.gif\" alt=\"raw (3)\" width=\"498\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She asks him to unlace her corset.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37904\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5.gif\" alt=\"raw (5)\" width=\"244\" height=\"246\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5.gif 244w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 244px) 100vw, 244px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He does so while breathing very heavily on her neck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37906\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-4.gif\" alt=\"raw (4)\" width=\"498\" height=\"322\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He mentions how everyone gossips about them getting it on and how they would be proving those a-holes right. \"Then let it be true,\" she responds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37903\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-6.gif\" alt=\"raw (6)\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they proceed to have crazy sex all night long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/officehappygasp.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/officehappygasp.gif\" alt=\"officehappygasp\" width=\"320\" height=\"175\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> is out-doing \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> with all these twists and turns! Even super boring plot points like whether to merge hospitals or whatever took \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> seven entire episodes to settle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Demelza creeps out of bed and we get a lingering shot of Ross without his shirt on because the producers care about straight women and gay men demographics.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, it's revealed that Backstabber Cousin did not come home last night. Oooooohhh boy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross grumpily uses a scythe without his shirt on. The infamous scene that set Twitter alight and got people interested in the show in the first place! It's finally happening! And, again, because the producers know who's watching, they revel in the moment by utilizing slow motion. Wow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is hiding in the field nearby, watching his sweat-glistened body work the field, smiles to herself and thinks, \u003cem>I tapped that.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because every party has a pooper, Pinky Ring approaches in the distance. UGH. CAN WE NOT?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross puts on his shirt and returns home to see what she wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5166520_15-reasons-why-poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37916\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5166520_15-reasons-why-poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b.gif\" alt=\"5166520_15-reasons-why--poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b\" width=\"736\" height=\"432\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out she wants what she always wants: to complain about her marriage. You made your choice, girl. Now scram so Ross can get back to the fields!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza accidentally barges in and is crushed. She offers Pinky Ring flowers because what else do you do in this kind of awkward situation? Pinky Ring doesn't want them. \"They're fading already. Corn flowers are like that.\" This is 18th century speak for \"You're basic.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring finally decides to go home (yayyy!) and Ross sees her out. Crushed, Demelza runs off with her cute, shy puppy. Ross chases her down and asks why she's running off. He's nice to look at, but not the sharpest tool in the shed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza explains that, after last night, she can no longer be his servant. Ross agrees.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to a chapel. AND WTF OMG THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37905\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o50z3p6L051rict0a_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_o50z3p6L051rict0a_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene! Drop mic! What just happened?! Ahh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> I'm going to leave this section word-for-word from last week because it all still applies:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>His fragile masculinity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He's never had a job and doesn't know how to do anything\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He is not smart and so easily manipulated by Malfoy\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He gets physical with a woman because he's really mad that another man got physical with a woman\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He didn't die\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Etc.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>Thanks for the shirtless chores, but go easy on the blind rages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>The Prostitute: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>She's an entrepreneur with good business acumen. Get them coins, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Verity: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>It's good of her to keep taking care of her a-hole dad who ruined her chance at marriage just last episode. Hang in there. It gets better... in a couple of centuries... kinda.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Demelza: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>She managed to lose her virginity to Ross and marry him over the course of two days. Props.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, fragile masculinity led to several guns going off, but who cares about all that 'cause Ross went skinny dipping! Will Ross realize that, instead of reopening the mine, he could make more money by converting it into a spot for hipsters to buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices? Will Verity end up joining the village prostitute's #squad, since everyone already thinks she's a woman of the night? Will Pinky Ring's baby end up looking like Ross because that's how penetrating his gaze is? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's opening day for Ross' mine and the whole town shows up for a hootenanny (actually, there's no music; I just really wanted to use the word hootenanny). Ross has hired everyone within a 15 mile radius because, like I said last episode, he really gets off on job creation. Ross does not use a huge pair of scissors to cut a red ribbon, which is a missed opportunity, if you ask me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some old dudes watch Demelza pour Ross some wine from the sidelines and wonder if the rumors of them getting it on are true. Both agree Ross would be a fool if they weren't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a hill, Ross' uncle and wimpy cousin try to decide if they're still mad at Ross. Uncle decides nah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"He saved your life! Time for you to demonstrate it wasn't wasted.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36622\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-2.gif\" alt=\"preach gif\" width=\"260\" height=\"194\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But wait. It appears as though I was a bit too hasty with the Encouraging Preach Hand™. Uncle didn't mean that Backstabber Cousin should help Ross. He instead wants him to make sure Ross' mine doesn't do better than theirs. They ride off without attending the hootenanny because why stop being a-holes when they've been so good at it for two full episodes?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring is reading a book because there wasn't really much else for a woman to do in those days. She suffers a pain in her pregnant belly. As someone who is still not over Sybil's death from preeclampsia on \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, this is very triggering for me. #HaremPantsForever\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, Demelza breaks up a physical fight between the Pigpens because they've been drinking rum. Mrs. Pigpen fakes a sprained wrist so Demelza will have to do all the chores. If Verity ever finds that matriarchal society, I hope she invites Demelza to come with.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the mine, there is concern over some boy named Jim. You see, he's been poaching, which is illegal, and he also found time to knock someone up. Ross is so good at helping people by this point that he hires both the boy and his baby mama to fix up an old shed that they will then live in, then arranges for Jim to ask this girl's father for her hand and plans their wedding, all within the span of two minutes. You have as many hours in a day as Beyonce... and Ross Poldark. Do something with your life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Demelza is nervous about her first foray into cooking. She serves Ross some sort of savory pie that she glazed and everything. Ross takes his time masticating and making the this-sponge-is-a-bit-too-moist face, just like that rude bald judge on \u003cem>The Great British Bake Off\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"So Mrs. Pigpen's recovery will take some time?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Demelza:\u003c/strong> \"About a month or so, sir.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Have it delayed as long as possible.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5e9d9e699c9de7a3fdf58a50cbe90fd17f4f97e8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-36648 size-full\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5e9d9e699c9de7a3fdf58a50cbe90fd17f4f97e8.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36649\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif 2\" width=\"499\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36650\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\" alt=\"great british baking show yay gif 3\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Verity's Den of Sorrow, she's hanging out with Pinky Ring, needle-pointing (zzzz). I can't see what Verity is working on, but it's most likely fancy lettering spelling out: \u003cem>I'm going to die a virgin. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring is like \u003cem>I wish you would get over your almost husband. Being super dramatic about boys is kind of my thing.\u003c/em> Verity considers decking her, but right then Pinky Ring has another weird pregnancy pain so the brawl must wait.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Jim's wedding is already happening (I told you Ross works quickly). Everyone's having such a good time that no one pauses long enough to be like, \u003cem>Ew, Jim married a literal child.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36657\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-800x439.png\" alt=\"poldark wedding\" width=\"800\" height=\"439\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-800x439.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-400x219.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-768x421.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-1440x790.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-1180x647.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM-960x526.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.29.55-PM.png 1678w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SHE'S THE TINY, SAD, PREGNANT ONE IN BLUE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, a priest is lecturing Ross about how he should give up his fornicating ways for a proper marriage. Ross is probably thinking, \u003cem>Someone just married a 10 year old and you're worried about me having sex with consenting adult women?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross ditches Mr. Holier Than Thou and watches Demelza and other poor people do the 18th century version of twerking. It looks fun so he joins in and looks at Demelza in a way that suggest they'll be fornicating pre-marriage very, very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Pinky Ring primly pushes a human being out of her body. It's a boy so everyone is pleased.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"The line continues! Well done, my boy.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Oh, thank Pinky Ring. She did the work.\" (OMG, is Backstabber Cousin a feminist?!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Doctor:\u003c/strong> \"Ah, women.\" (Nothing good can follow this phrase). \"They make a song and dance about it, but if things are properly managed...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nnieusKZWj1tsuskao2_1280.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36665\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nnieusKZWj1tsuskao2_1280.jpg\" alt=\"beyonce mad\" width=\"592\" height=\"334\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone hold me back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at home, Ross finds a letter announcing the arrival of his ex's baby. He secretly wishes he had let Backstabber Cousin bleed out after that duel in his backyard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, there's a fancy let's-all-get-drunk-and-touch-the-new-baby-with-our-germy-hands cocktail hour. Ross shows up, ready to put a hex on the rugrat à la Maleficent. Everyone gawks and imagines how much cuter the baby would have been with Ross' genetics. Such a shame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy pops up with his miserable uncle to say rude things about poor people and Ross' mine. Pinky Ring's mother slides in with her own classist BS. Ross deals with these people expertly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"chappelle show diss gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross walks over to Pinky Ring and Backstabber Cousin to get the whole pretending-to-be-happy-for-them thing over with. Backstabber Cousin, the least perceptive person on the planet, is like, \u003cem>HOLD THE BABY I MADE WITH YOUR EX! ISN'T THIS FUN?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring takes it a step further and tells Ross she wishes he could be the child's godfather instead of Malfoy. I wish Demelza was here so she could serve up another one of her \"Girl, are you serious?\" looks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Malfoy whisper some sweet nothing into Backstabber Cousin's ear and B.C. goes from unaware dope to jealous homicidal psycho in less than 2 seconds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37159\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-800x443.png\" alt=\"francis poldark psycho\" width=\"800\" height=\"443\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-800x443.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-400x222.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-768x425.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1440x798.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1180x654.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-960x532.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.23.30-PM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Stare at him staring, while listening to this:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>But who is he kidding? If he couldn't kill a random middle-aged captain, there's no way he's taking down Ross Adonis Poldark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle gives a speech all about how this new baby named after him proves that his lineage is thriving and will continue forevermore... and then has a heart attack. The old lady with the tarot cards doesn't even need to bring them out to say this isn't a great omen.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As that harlot Verity selflessly tends to her father, Backstabber Cousin just stands there, still doing that staring like a murderous maniac thing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37161\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-800x442.png\" alt=\"francis poldark sucks\" width=\"800\" height=\"442\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-800x442.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-400x221.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-768x424.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-1440x795.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-1180x652.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-960x530.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-15-at-10.36.28-PM.png 1675w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>On his way home, Ross overhears the thirsty girl from the ball, her mother, and Pinky Ring's mother all gossiping about how he's probably sleeping with the help. When he storms past them, thirsty girl's mom yells after him: \"Ross Poldark is no gentleman!\" This is not the way you treat a war hero! This is also not the way you persuade a war hero to marry your rude daughter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Pinky Ring puts her cursed baby to bed and is about to enjoy some precious me time, when Backstabber Cousin comes in and insists on dry-humping her. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>Dude, I literally just had a baby, can we not?\u003c/em>, which evokes a man child tantrum about how he's sure she wishes their baby belonged to Ross. Okay, I can get down with a glacier-paced love triangle (see: my high school obsession with the WB show \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/felicity/\">\u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em>\u003c/a>), but this is getting out-of-hand and frankly boring. I hope \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> has more to offer than this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin storms out of the bedroom and finds another woman to bully, this time it's Hester Prynne! Uh, I mean Verity. He accuses her of trying to eavesdrop at his keyhole, taking Ross' side and knowing diddly squat about how marriage is actually \"misery.\" In essence, he tells her:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37767\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tenor.gif\" alt=\"you're a virgin who can't drive clueless tai gif\" width=\"496\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity rightly thinks that's way harsh, especially 'cause he's the reason she has yet to find out how miserable marriage is. She looks at the sea captain's painted portrait hidden in a locket. He's still creepy looking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Jim's child bride complains to Demelza about how her husband is still poaching and gonna get himself locked up. And she can't count on supporting herself with a check from MTV's \u003cem>Teen Mom\u003c/em> because the channel and the show haven't been invented yet!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Uncle tells Backstabber Cousin he needs to start working. Backstabber Cousin is like, \u003cem>Work? Me? But I don't know how to do anything! \u003c/em>Uncle insists so Backstabber Cousin heads to his mine and tries making small chat with the workers... while seated on his horse, wearing a top hat. The poor people spend their day's allowance of side eye on him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Ross gives Demelza a stellar employee review. She always anticipates his needs and works the fields like no one else. Demelza almost brings up that it's unfair that she makes 79 cents to Mr. Pigpen's dollar, but instead brings up Jim's poaching. Ross responds the only way he knows how: \u003cem>I'll hire him to do something else for me! That should solve it! \u003c/em>Suze Orman thinks it's a very bad idea to hire hundreds of people when you are already bankrupt, but alas, she won't be around to tell Ross that for another couple of centuries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Child Bride shows up to cry in Demelza's face. You see, Jim went poaching again and his stupid chronic cough got him caught.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross runs into a phone booth, twirls around a bunch and comes out Super(AdvocateForPoorFolk)Man! Off the caped crusader rides to convince the rich person whose pheasants Jim was trying to steal to drop the charges. But he's too late! Jim is already set for trial! And the rich dude hopes they hang him! Ross returns home to tell Demelza and says, \u003cem>Ugh, rich people are the worst!!!\u003c/em> Demelza responds, \u003cem>I know, right?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross goes to pick up Child Bride to attend the trial, but she's in labor because her life doesn't suck enough right now. Ross enters the court and asks a different rich dude if Jim's bad lungs might preclude a prison sentence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Rich dude:\u003c/strong> \"No good will come of being sentimental of such folk. They're a different breed! A different breed!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37954\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\" alt=\"how dare you mindy kaling gif\" width=\"160\" height=\"174\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Homeboy said it twice, in case the first time wasn't infuriating enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross takes the stand to combine his good looks with a rendition of Jim's sob story in order to emancipate good ol' Jim. The old bewigged dudes are not buying any of it. He's too sick to go to prison, but he's not too sick to run around stealing pheasants and knocking up tweens? This is not going well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And things aren't going that much better in a field near chez Ross. Demelza's dad and his black teeth are back again. This time, he's wearing a nice suit because he got married and started believing in god! Unlike Jesus, he's not very understanding or compassionate and goes right into accusing Demelza of giving into the Temptation of the Flesh (Ross' flesh, that is) and being touched by the Devil. Demelza defends herself with a statement that could easily be taken the wrong way: \"He's my master and I'm his servant!\" #50Shades, anyone? Demelza's dad says he'll be back tomorrow to fetch her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at court, the judges announce they've decided to take Ross' testimony and cute face into account. They will grant young Jim some leniency. Before Ross has the chance to flip his hair in triumph, the judges proclaim: TWO YEARS IMPRISONMENT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/large-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37891\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/large-1.gif\" alt=\"phoebe friends shock gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jim immediately starts coughing. You couldn't have done a little more of that during deliberation? It's too late now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross sees red and decides to go all the way off. His rant is basically this:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/af7Jctuqhcg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/af7Jctuqhcg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Ross heads to the pub to get alcohol poisoning. It isn't long before the prostitute shows up, but Ross declines this time. On his way out, he sees her mounting someone else... IT'S BACKSTABBER COUSIN!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37892\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"mr bean shocked gif\" width=\"435\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> Poldark, you say?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> Not \u003cem>a\u003c/em> Poldark. \u003cem>THE\u003c/em> Poldark!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Prostitute:\u003c/strong> What other Poldark is there?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> *aroused, erotic sigh*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin is totally the guy who gently weeps, while having sex. He's also the type of guy who ends up dying mid coitus. We can only hope...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the ranch, Demelza is bummed she has to leave Ross and all his cool things. She says goodbye to each one and then pauses when she finds a beautiful gown hidden in a chest. She tries it on because how else is Ross going to find her in it and freak out?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right on schedule, Ross comes home and starts screaming for Demelza. His back is turned so maybe she can get away with serving him without being spotted? Ross rants about poor imprisoned Jim and the terrible state of the justice system, while Demelza tries to tiptoe out. But of course he sees her at the last moment. What ensues is essentially the \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em> scene in which the Beast freaks the F out on Belle for touching his stuff:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/hJZuQl5hT2U'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/hJZuQl5hT2U'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Eventually he calms down enough to rub her face and kind of sort of apologize and... MAKE OUT WITH HER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37900\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers.gif\" alt=\"full-house-shocked-gif-15767-16276-hd-wallpapers\" width=\"447\" height=\"313\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza immediately blames herself because that's what the patriarchy has taught her to do and Ross yells at her to go to bed because that's what the patriarchy has taught him to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few minutes later, Demelza knocks on his bedroom door.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37901\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-3.gif\" alt=\"raw (3)\" width=\"498\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She asks him to unlace her corset.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37904\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5.gif\" alt=\"raw (5)\" width=\"244\" height=\"246\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5.gif 244w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-5-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 244px) 100vw, 244px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He does so while breathing very heavily on her neck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37906\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-4.gif\" alt=\"raw (4)\" width=\"498\" height=\"322\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He mentions how everyone gossips about them getting it on and how they would be proving those a-holes right. \"Then let it be true,\" she responds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37903\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/raw-6.gif\" alt=\"raw (6)\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they proceed to have crazy sex all night long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/officehappygasp.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37902\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/officehappygasp.gif\" alt=\"officehappygasp\" width=\"320\" height=\"175\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> is out-doing \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> with all these twists and turns! Even super boring plot points like whether to merge hospitals or whatever took \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> seven entire episodes to settle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Demelza creeps out of bed and we get a lingering shot of Ross without his shirt on because the producers care about straight women and gay men demographics.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Pinky Ring's house, it's revealed that Backstabber Cousin did not come home last night. Oooooohhh boy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross grumpily uses a scythe without his shirt on. The infamous scene that set Twitter alight and got people interested in the show in the first place! It's finally happening! And, again, because the producers know who's watching, they revel in the moment by utilizing slow motion. Wow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza is hiding in the field nearby, watching his sweat-glistened body work the field, smiles to herself and thinks, \u003cem>I tapped that.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because every party has a pooper, Pinky Ring approaches in the distance. UGH. CAN WE NOT?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross puts on his shirt and returns home to see what she wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5166520_15-reasons-why-poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37916\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/5166520_15-reasons-why-poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b.gif\" alt=\"5166520_15-reasons-why--poldarks-aidan-turner_t38c8705b\" width=\"736\" height=\"432\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out she wants what she always wants: to complain about her marriage. You made your choice, girl. Now scram so Ross can get back to the fields!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza accidentally barges in and is crushed. She offers Pinky Ring flowers because what else do you do in this kind of awkward situation? Pinky Ring doesn't want them. \"They're fading already. Corn flowers are like that.\" This is 18th century speak for \"You're basic.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring finally decides to go home (yayyy!) and Ross sees her out. Crushed, Demelza runs off with her cute, shy puppy. Ross chases her down and asks why she's running off. He's nice to look at, but not the sharpest tool in the shed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza explains that, after last night, she can no longer be his servant. Ross agrees.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to a chapel. AND WTF OMG THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-37905\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o50z3p6L051rict0a_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_o50z3p6L051rict0a_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene! Drop mic! What just happened?! Ahh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> I'm going to leave this section word-for-word from last week because it all still applies:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>His fragile masculinity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He's never had a job and doesn't know how to do anything\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He is not smart and so easily manipulated by Malfoy\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He gets physical with a woman because he's really mad that another man got physical with a woman\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He didn't die\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Etc.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>Thanks for the shirtless chores, but go easy on the blind rages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>The Prostitute: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>She's an entrepreneur with good business acumen. Get them coins, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Verity: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>It's good of her to keep taking care of her a-hole dad who ruined her chance at marriage just last episode. Hang in there. It gets better... in a couple of centuries... kinda.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Demelza: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>She managed to lose her virginity to Ross and marry him over the course of two days. Props.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, Ross returned from the war alive and everyone felt very inconvenienced. Will the deplorable behavior from basically everyone in Cornwall be explained by the fact that the region is built directly over the Hellmouth? Will Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen finally take a much-needed shower? Will Ross finally take off his shirt? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The camera lingers on inanimate objects -- a lantern, a rope, a straw hat, a bell, as Mr. Pigpen waxes poetic: \"Mining, 'tis in the blood! Eat, sleep, live and breathe it. She's your salvation and downfall.\" Elsewhere, some fancy red coats nail a \"Notice of Closure\" sign on a mine entrance. I really think we 21st century dwellers should get back into the habit of nailing dramatic proclamations on people's doors. It's not like we're using that hammer we got from IKEA for anything else.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, the mine workers show up and are like, \u003cem>Um, how dare you\u003c/em>. A guy wearing eyeliner, who might be hotter than Ross, responds by assaulting one of the workers. A very uncool move, but did I mention he might be hotter than Ross? Take a look for yourself:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36391\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-800x445.png\" alt=\"poldark evil hottie\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-1440x801.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-1180x656.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-960x534.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, some old dude gets dressed, dabs cologne on his neck and puts on his cutest wig, while people bang on his door, yelling about what's going down at the mine. Old dude then picks up a gun and shoots himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed5Bh_DbHPU\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Ross' place, Demelza is screaming while washing her hair at the outdoor spigot. She yells up to Ross' window that she really hates being clean and then storms off, but not before expertly recreating this iconic redhead-with-wet-hair moment:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_m67d87iHIx1qhfc59o1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36394\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_m67d87iHIx1qhfc59o1_250.gif\" alt=\"ariel little mermaid hair gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"234\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross' evil former classmate George, who is basically Malfoy from \u003cem>Harry Potter\u003c/em>, is worried that the random old dude's suicide will reflect poorly on him. You see, Malfoy and his uncle declined to extend the recently departed's loans, leading to the closing of the mine and all the rest. Malfoy's uncle asks, \"Are we in the business of sentiment or profit?\" and then blasts Rihanna's \"Bitch Betta Have My Money.\" Point taken.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this moment, a woman with dyed hair (so she must be a prostitute) emerges because this is her jam, but also because she wants to know if she is excused or if she has to have sex with Malfoy again. He impolitely tells her to be more polite by calling him Sir from now on and sure, he'll take another roll in the hay, thanks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Ross', the worker who was knocked out by hot eyeliner guy is telling Ross all about the closing of the mine and how his mother and sisters will starve, if he doesn't get another gig soon. Ross agrees to employ him because hiring randoms, despite not having any money whatsoever, has kind of become his \"thing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross heads over to his uncle's house and Pinky Ring is, of course, in the window staring down at him as he approaches. Get a life, girlfriend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Verity (a.k.a. Daisy: The Prequel) is super jazzed that Ross has arrived 'cause everyone she lives with is so awful. Ross announces that he's not moving to London and returns his uncle's money. He misses a great opportunity to do this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36401\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"rihanna money throw gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They get to talking about the suicide and Ross shares that he thinks it's worrisome that almost everyone has loans through Malfoy and his Slytherin relative. Ross' uncle is not worried because Malfoy is Backstabber Cousin's best friend, which makes a lot of sense. Ross invites Verity over (maybe he plans to hire her too?), but his uncle quickly shuts down their hangout. She apparently needs to stay home to pour his cream and wipe his butt. #JusticeforVerity!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As Ross leaves, Pinky Ring is \u003cem>still\u003c/em> creepily watching from the window. Take up crocheting or scrapbooking, something! She sits down to think about how maybe it wasn't the greatest idea to hook up with her ex's cousin. The aphorism goes: Think of the boring Devil and he shall appear. Backstabber Cousin enters and Pinky Ring tries to avoid him by saying that she's tired and plans to lie down. He asks, \"Can I join you?\", creepily molests her braid and then basically does this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/a9acc365a74c869454847a20279d55de.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36402\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/a9acc365a74c869454847a20279d55de.gif\" alt=\"creepy gross kiss gif\" width=\"240\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road, the miners who beat up all those bros last episode find Ross and ask him if he can hire them too. Ross still has zero dollars, but says \u003cem>Probably!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross heads to his father's abandoned mine to see if there's anything salvageable to be had there. Backstabber Cousin shows up because the writers of this show never want me to have a moment's peace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Father says you intend to remain.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Does that disappoint you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Snap-Reaction-Gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36410\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Snap-Reaction-Gif.gif\" alt=\"snap latrice gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross says he feels bad about all the unemployed miners. Backstabber Cousin is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7HJH0IH3dc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross suggests the possibility of reopening the mine together. Job creation clearly gets him off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a backyard across town, Pinky Ring is collecting eggs. Verity is scandalized! Only dowdy girls who are 25 and over are supposed to do menial chores! Pretty girls are meant to spend their days gazing out of windows at the men they wish they were still sleeping with. Everybody knows that!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross tells his banker that he wants to reopen the mine. His banker's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQSsrvsszcs\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Malfoy's prostitute comes onto Ross at the pub (wouldn't you?). A banker laughing in your face is kind of a boner killer though so he passes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road back home (so much commuting in Cornwall!), Ross runs into Verity, who has a favor to ask: will he escort her to a ball? She wants to do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is asking the same favor of Pinky Ring: \"My dear, tonight's assembly, will you not reconsider? You know how I love to show off my wife to the world!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/mrm33.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36464\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/mrm33.gif\" alt=\"jennifer lawrence disgusted gif\" width=\"268\" height=\"359\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The party \u003ca href=\"http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Lit\">is lit\u003c/a>. No, I mean literally. Candles everywhere.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All the women are fanning themselves and looking at Poldark. Verity warns him that he could have one of these girls naked by the end of this song.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In another room, a bunch of old snobs are tut-tutting about the miners. Why do commoners have to be so \u003cem>loud\u003c/em> about their rights? Backstabber Cousin brings up the #AllMenAreCreatedEqual hashtag that is sweeping America. Everyone laughs and says it won't be trending for much longer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back home, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are taking advantage of Demelza, making her wash their clothes and the floors and give them pillows for their backs and feet. Is there any chance Demelza will develop telekinesis soon and exact revenge on these two, her bro-y family, Ross' uncle, etc? A boy can dream...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the house party, Malfoy follows Ross around saying rude things that initially sound like pleasantries, and Ross says veiled rude things in return with a smile because they're British and this is how rivalries work over there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across the ballroom, Verity is thinking about how she's going to be a virgin forever and ever, until she's interrupted by a sea captain! Verity says all the ship-related words she knows: sails and masts. You go, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere on the dance floor, the girl from episode one, who talked sh*t about the Poldarks while Ross was asleep in the coach on his way home, shows up and pukes boring small talk all over Ross. His name is no, his sign is no, his number is no; you need to let it go.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back home, Demelza sneaks into Ross' room and touches all his stuff. She sits at the piano and dreams of being a proto-Tori Amos. She already has a lot of experiences to pull from: the lice, the dog fight, the hot employer. This could work!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the rave, things are heating up between Verity and the captain. He is teaching her new boat words, some of which are downright salacious, like \"spanker boom,\" which is \u003ca href=\"http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Spanker+boom\">apparently a real thing\u003c/a>. Then this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Captain:\u003c/strong> \"I'd really like us to be better acquainted.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Me too. ...I should not have said that! What must you think of me!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36471\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"i'm a slut wiig gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Demelza is sneaking back out of his room when Mr. Pigpen catches her and tells her she should go back to her bro-family and that she'll never amount to anything. Where's that telekinesis when a girl needs it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the fiesta, Ross is cornered by coach girl, who wants to dance. His name is still no, his sign is still no, his number is still no, you still need to let it go.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He ditches her and approaches Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring 'cause dealing with them always ends well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Have you come to take my wife off my hands?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/67zOY.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36472\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/67zOY.gif\" alt=\"edward scissorhands nodding gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They engage in a fancy do-si-do and everyone is scandalized. Except for Backstabber Cousin who is all derp derp derp, until Malfoy gets in his ear and warns him that he's about to get cuckolded in a major way. He looks at his wife and her ex and is finally like, \u003cem>Ohhh yeahhhh, they are soul mates and I'm just... here.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring is kicking wine back and laughing really loudly with Ross. Verity runs over to say, \u003cem>Um, hi, I might have said something slutty before, but this is way worse! You might as well have dyed hair! Go dance with your husband!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Verity gets back to her new admirer, the Captain gets fresher by the minute. He wants to meet Verity's father to ask for her hand. Wow. Turns out all you gotta do to bag a husband is let him mansplain boats to you. Spanker boom boom room, here they come! But wait, he must tell her a deep, dark secret before things go any further... Intrigue!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross storms out of the party and runs to the inn to find the prostitute. His name is yes, his sign is yes, his number is yes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another night of spooning, Demelza and her cute, shy puppy are picking flowers along the cliffs. Demelza spots Ross on his horse trot of shame. He strips naked and goes skinny dipping in the chilly sea (his 18th century spin on the cold shower). He even gets in on this action:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_m67d87iHIx1qhfc59o1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36394\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_m67d87iHIx1qhfc59o1_250.gif\" alt=\"ariel little mermaid hair gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"234\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-ep2-25-36.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37727\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-ep2-25-36.gif\" alt=\"poldark skinny dip gif\" width=\"643\" height=\"382\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza likes what she sees. (For all the pervs out there, this happens around the 30:15 mark; you're very welcome.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that morning, Demelza has to serve Ross like she hasn't seen his twig and berries. It's hard. (The task of pretending, I mean. Not sure about the other thing.) And she'll have to pretend all day long because Ross invites her to come into town with him. He tells her to get her cloak. She's like, \u003cem>Um, I'm poor, remember? I'm already wearing everything I own.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they get to town, they split up to run errands. Ross immediately runs into Pinky Ring because duh. He helps her carry some fabric because they're uneducated so textbooks weren't an option. Malfoy lurks in the background, spying, because this town is apparently the size of a studio apartment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets up with Backstabber Cousin, who is supposed to help pitch the idea of reopening the mine to a bunch of moneyed men. But, oops, Malfoy has been talking smack in his ear and Backstabber Cousin announces he no longer wants to go. Ross does not have time for this and is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nlu3avBaaS1tkrthjo1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36480\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nlu3avBaaS1tkrthjo1_500.gif\" alt=\"nene ok girl bye gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the board meeting, Ross basically says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/GIF-No-idea-Have-no-idea-what-im-doing-Kim-Kardashian-Kardashian-WTF-am-i-doing-Confused-Confusing-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36481\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/GIF-No-idea-Have-no-idea-what-im-doing-Kim-Kardashian-Kardashian-WTF-am-i-doing-Confused-Confusing-GIF.gif\" alt=\"GIF-No-idea-Have-no-idea-what-im-doing-Kim-Kardashian-Kardashian-WTF-am-i-doing-Confused-Confusing-GIF\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, like Kim, he's pretty so all the men are like, \u003cem>Take our money!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To celebrate his nonsensical victory, Ross buys Demelza her very first bad ass cape and she walks down the street past a bunch of judgmental jerks like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36549\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-4.gif\" alt=\"kathie lee cape gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin and his dad can not believe what went down at the ball. How could a woman of a certain station act like such a whore in front of everyone?? Pinky Ring eavesdrops from the adjoining room and slut shames herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, there's a knock at the door. The Pigpens are nowhere to be found (typical) so Demelza has to answer it and it's Pinky Ring, the floozy who dared to square dance with a man that isn't her husband. The horror!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like in the last episode, Demelza gives Pinky Ring a withering \"Girl, are you serious?\" look:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36550\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-800x446.png\" alt=\"demelza poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-1440x804.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring has come to cry in Ross' face about what she overheard. The family knows about their sizzling hot sexual chemistry! The jig is up! Ross is jazzed and is moments away from trying to make out with her, when Mr. Pigpen waltzes in for the c*ckblock. It's a scene snatched from every dorm room in America. Roommates are the worst.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rushes over to his uncle's place to formally announce that he's stealing Pinky Ring back. When he arrives, his uncle, his cousin and the tarot-reading old lady are all distraught... over what a loose woman \u003cem>Verity\u003c/em> has become. *record scratch*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Olympic conclusion jumper Pinky Ring sits in the corner like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36558\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oo.gif\" alt=\"oops real housewives gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The plan is to keep Verity locked up so she doesn't have sex with the captain, who allegedly likes a cocktail every now and then and also maybe sorta beat his wife to death. Verity is a \"plain girl\" and they need to save her from her urge to get with the only man who's ever hit on her. Ross agrees to help and somehow manages not to hire any new employees. Progress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, as Ross is leaving, Verity pops up, but oddly isn't wearing her scarlet letter (the embroiderer must still be working on it). She says that her family is lying. The captain barely pushed his wife, who then did technically die, but it was sort of an accident and, despite not knowing his star sign or favorite color, she just \u003cem>knows\u003c/em> that he would never ever hurt her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Verity and her man hanging out at Ross' house because he loves helping people (if hiring them isn't a possibility).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As Ross handles some heavy bales of hay with his shirt completely on, a worker notices the tops of parasols over the fence. It's the thirsty girl from the ball and her mom. Why would she bring her mother, you ask? Because who else is going to just come out and say: \"One only has to taste her syllabubs to know they are succulent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/19c9m7otofxjtgif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36596\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/19c9m7otofxjtgif.gif\" alt=\"family feud shocked scandalized gif\" width=\"370\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In case you don't watch \u003cem>The\u003c/em> \u003cem>Great British Bake Off\u003c/em>, syllabubs are a whipped cream dessert.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36597\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy8.gif\" alt=\"katy perry whipped cream bikini gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6efdf885-c528-4459-a83f-72a6f69bf1b2-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36598\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6efdf885-c528-4459-a83f-72a6f69bf1b2-1.gif\" alt=\"whipped cream bikini varsity gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>However, Ross is not hungry. He tells them NEVER GONNA HAPPEN and walks away (in the politest, British way possible of course).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the house, the captain is telling Verity about his multiple children. Run, Verity! 25 might be too old to be desirable by 18th century standards, but 25 is too young to be a stepmom to a bunch of kids who will hate you no matter what because you're not their dead mom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, storm clouds are gathering, which, according to the rules of obvious TV tropes, means that sh*t is about to go down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As expected, Backstabber Cousin and his dad crash Verity's super sexy I'll-sit-way-over-here-on-this-bench-while-you-teach-me-boring-boat-terms-from-way-over-there hangout. Backstabber Cousin challenges the Captain to an epithet-hurling contest. Backstabber Cousin volleys a \"Filthy skunk!\", but it's no match for the Captain's spike of \"Insolent puppy!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What is Backstabber Cousin to do now, after two long episodes of his masculinity being trampled all over? GUN FIGHT, that's what!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross could easily stop this madness from happening, but opts for this approach instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/98d4f16.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36599\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/98d4f16.gif\" alt=\"romy michele gif popcorn\" width=\"720\" height=\"405\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity tries to put an end to the insanity, but is knocked down by her brother, proving that this has nothing to do with caring about her and everything to do with people thinking he does in fact have testicles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The men take their paces, turn and shoot. Who's dead?? Is it both? Let it be both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope. Francis got shot in the neck and the Captain is unhurt, minus the pain of how awkward this now is for him. \u003cem>Oops, murdered your brother. Wanna honeymoon in Maui?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rushes Backstabber Cousin's dying body into the house and saves his life, a fact that doesn't stop Pinky Ring from yelling at him nor his uncle from blaming Ross for everything and calling him a disgrace. With friends like these...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And the coup de grace: Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>Thanks for saving that twerp's life because I forgot to tell you: I'm pregnant with a baby that's definitely not yours, k thx bai!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Backstabber Cousin: \u003c/strong>It was a tight race for Worst Person Ever this week, but B.C. eked out a win for several reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>He gets physical with a woman because he's really mad that another man got physical with a woman\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He's never had a job and doesn't know how to do anything\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He is not smart and so easily manipulated by Malfoy\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He didn't die\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>His fragile masculinity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Etc.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Thirtsy Girl's Mom: \u003c/strong>She's shameless and kind of gross, but both take nerve so hat's off to her for pimping out her daughter so brazenly centuries before \u003cem>Toddlers and Tiaras\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>He heard the world's call for him to take off his shirt and, because he loves to help people, took off all his clothes and even got wet. A true humanitarian.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong> She deserves better than being born in an age where everyone hates women this much. I hope she finds a time machine or a hidden matriarchal society soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Demelza: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Her self-care regiment is truly inspirational:\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>After a long week of hard work, it's only right to reward oneself with some me time and a skinny dip peep show feat. Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin' Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This episode begins with a gun going off, ends with a gun going off, but more importantly involves our hero going skinny dipping.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">Last episode\u003c/a>, Ross returned from the war alive and everyone felt very inconvenienced. Will the deplorable behavior from basically everyone in Cornwall be explained by the fact that the region is built directly over the Hellmouth? Will Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen finally take a much-needed shower? Will Ross finally take off his shirt? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The camera lingers on inanimate objects -- a lantern, a rope, a straw hat, a bell, as Mr. Pigpen waxes poetic: \"Mining, 'tis in the blood! Eat, sleep, live and breathe it. She's your salvation and downfall.\" Elsewhere, some fancy red coats nail a \"Notice of Closure\" sign on a mine entrance. I really think we 21st century dwellers should get back into the habit of nailing dramatic proclamations on people's doors. It's not like we're using that hammer we got from IKEA for anything else.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, the mine workers show up and are like, \u003cem>Um, how dare you\u003c/em>. A guy wearing eyeliner, who might be hotter than Ross, responds by assaulting one of the workers. A very uncool move, but did I mention he might be hotter than Ross? Take a look for yourself:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36391\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-800x445.png\" alt=\"poldark evil hottie\" width=\"800\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-1440x801.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-1180x656.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-960x534.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-2.47.34-PM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, some old dude gets dressed, dabs cologne on his neck and puts on his cutest wig, while people bang on his door, yelling about what's going down at the mine. Old dude then picks up a gun and shoots himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/Ed5Bh_DbHPU'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/Ed5Bh_DbHPU'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Over at Ross' place, Demelza is screaming while washing her hair at the outdoor spigot. She yells up to Ross' window that she really hates being clean and then storms off, but not before expertly recreating this iconic redhead-with-wet-hair moment:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_m67d87iHIx1qhfc59o1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36394\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_m67d87iHIx1qhfc59o1_250.gif\" alt=\"ariel little mermaid hair gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"234\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Ross' evil former classmate George, who is basically Malfoy from \u003cem>Harry Potter\u003c/em>, is worried that the random old dude's suicide will reflect poorly on him. You see, Malfoy and his uncle declined to extend the recently departed's loans, leading to the closing of the mine and all the rest. Malfoy's uncle asks, \"Are we in the business of sentiment or profit?\" and then blasts Rihanna's \"Bitch Betta Have My Money.\" Point taken.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this moment, a woman with dyed hair (so she must be a prostitute) emerges because this is her jam, but also because she wants to know if she is excused or if she has to have sex with Malfoy again. He impolitely tells her to be more polite by calling him Sir from now on and sure, he'll take another roll in the hay, thanks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Ross', the worker who was knocked out by hot eyeliner guy is telling Ross all about the closing of the mine and how his mother and sisters will starve, if he doesn't get another gig soon. Ross agrees to employ him because hiring randoms, despite not having any money whatsoever, has kind of become his \"thing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross heads over to his uncle's house and Pinky Ring is, of course, in the window staring down at him as he approaches. Get a life, girlfriend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Verity (a.k.a. Daisy: The Prequel) is super jazzed that Ross has arrived 'cause everyone she lives with is so awful. Ross announces that he's not moving to London and returns his uncle's money. He misses a great opportunity to do this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36401\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nqr5wkWggS1sjc5sqo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"rihanna money throw gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They get to talking about the suicide and Ross shares that he thinks it's worrisome that almost everyone has loans through Malfoy and his Slytherin relative. Ross' uncle is not worried because Malfoy is Backstabber Cousin's best friend, which makes a lot of sense. Ross invites Verity over (maybe he plans to hire her too?), but his uncle quickly shuts down their hangout. She apparently needs to stay home to pour his cream and wipe his butt. #JusticeforVerity!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As Ross leaves, Pinky Ring is \u003cem>still\u003c/em> creepily watching from the window. Take up crocheting or scrapbooking, something! She sits down to think about how maybe it wasn't the greatest idea to hook up with her ex's cousin. The aphorism goes: Think of the boring Devil and he shall appear. Backstabber Cousin enters and Pinky Ring tries to avoid him by saying that she's tired and plans to lie down. He asks, \"Can I join you?\", creepily molests her braid and then basically does this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/a9acc365a74c869454847a20279d55de.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36402\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/a9acc365a74c869454847a20279d55de.gif\" alt=\"creepy gross kiss gif\" width=\"240\" height=\"180\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road, the miners who beat up all those bros last episode find Ross and ask him if he can hire them too. Ross still has zero dollars, but says \u003cem>Probably!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross heads to his father's abandoned mine to see if there's anything salvageable to be had there. Backstabber Cousin shows up because the writers of this show never want me to have a moment's peace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Father says you intend to remain.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong> \"Does that disappoint you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Snap-Reaction-Gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36410\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Snap-Reaction-Gif.gif\" alt=\"snap latrice gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross says he feels bad about all the unemployed miners. Backstabber Cousin is like:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/M7HJH0IH3dc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/M7HJH0IH3dc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Ross suggests the possibility of reopening the mine together. Job creation clearly gets him off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a backyard across town, Pinky Ring is collecting eggs. Verity is scandalized! Only dowdy girls who are 25 and over are supposed to do menial chores! Pretty girls are meant to spend their days gazing out of windows at the men they wish they were still sleeping with. Everybody knows that!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, Ross tells his banker that he wants to reopen the mine. His banker's response:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/BQSsrvsszcs'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/BQSsrvsszcs'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Later, Malfoy's prostitute comes onto Ross at the pub (wouldn't you?). A banker laughing in your face is kind of a boner killer though so he passes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road back home (so much commuting in Cornwall!), Ross runs into Verity, who has a favor to ask: will he escort her to a ball? She wants to do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin is asking the same favor of Pinky Ring: \"My dear, tonight's assembly, will you not reconsider? You know how I love to show off my wife to the world!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/mrm33.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36464\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/mrm33.gif\" alt=\"jennifer lawrence disgusted gif\" width=\"268\" height=\"359\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The party \u003ca href=\"http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Lit\">is lit\u003c/a>. No, I mean literally. Candles everywhere.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All the women are fanning themselves and looking at Poldark. Verity warns him that he could have one of these girls naked by the end of this song.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In another room, a bunch of old snobs are tut-tutting about the miners. Why do commoners have to be so \u003cem>loud\u003c/em> about their rights? Backstabber Cousin brings up the #AllMenAreCreatedEqual hashtag that is sweeping America. Everyone laughs and says it won't be trending for much longer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back home, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are taking advantage of Demelza, making her wash their clothes and the floors and give them pillows for their backs and feet. Is there any chance Demelza will develop telekinesis soon and exact revenge on these two, her bro-y family, Ross' uncle, etc? A boy can dream...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the house party, Malfoy follows Ross around saying rude things that initially sound like pleasantries, and Ross says veiled rude things in return with a smile because they're British and this is how rivalries work over there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across the ballroom, Verity is thinking about how she's going to be a virgin forever and ever, until she's interrupted by a sea captain! Verity says all the ship-related words she knows: sails and masts. You go, girl.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere on the dance floor, the girl from episode one, who talked sh*t about the Poldarks while Ross was asleep in the coach on his way home, shows up and pukes boring small talk all over Ross. His name is no, his sign is no, his number is no; you need to let it go.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back home, Demelza sneaks into Ross' room and touches all his stuff. She sits at the piano and dreams of being a proto-Tori Amos. She already has a lot of experiences to pull from: the lice, the dog fight, the hot employer. This could work!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the rave, things are heating up between Verity and the captain. He is teaching her new boat words, some of which are downright salacious, like \"spanker boom,\" which is \u003ca href=\"http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Spanker+boom\">apparently a real thing\u003c/a>. Then this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Captain:\u003c/strong> \"I'd really like us to be better acquainted.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Verity:\u003c/strong> \"Me too. ...I should not have said that! What must you think of me!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36471\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"i'm a slut wiig gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-3-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at chez Ross, Demelza is sneaking back out of his room when Mr. Pigpen catches her and tells her she should go back to her bro-family and that she'll never amount to anything. Where's that telekinesis when a girl needs it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the fiesta, Ross is cornered by coach girl, who wants to dance. His name is still no, his sign is still no, his number is still no, you still need to let it go.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He ditches her and approaches Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring 'cause dealing with them always ends well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Have you come to take my wife off my hands?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/67zOY.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36472\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/67zOY.gif\" alt=\"edward scissorhands nodding gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They engage in a fancy do-si-do and everyone is scandalized. Except for Backstabber Cousin who is all derp derp derp, until Malfoy gets in his ear and warns him that he's about to get cuckolded in a major way. He looks at his wife and her ex and is finally like, \u003cem>Ohhh yeahhhh, they are soul mates and I'm just... here.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring is kicking wine back and laughing really loudly with Ross. Verity runs over to say, \u003cem>Um, hi, I might have said something slutty before, but this is way worse! You might as well have dyed hair! Go dance with your husband!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Verity gets back to her new admirer, the Captain gets fresher by the minute. He wants to meet Verity's father to ask for her hand. Wow. Turns out all you gotta do to bag a husband is let him mansplain boats to you. Spanker boom boom room, here they come! But wait, he must tell her a deep, dark secret before things go any further... Intrigue!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross storms out of the party and runs to the inn to find the prostitute. His name is yes, his sign is yes, his number is yes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another night of spooning, Demelza and her cute, shy puppy are picking flowers along the cliffs. Demelza spots Ross on his horse trot of shame. He strips naked and goes skinny dipping in the chilly sea (his 18th century spin on the cold shower). He even gets in on this action:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_m67d87iHIx1qhfc59o1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36394\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_m67d87iHIx1qhfc59o1_250.gif\" alt=\"ariel little mermaid hair gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"234\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-ep2-25-36.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37727\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/poldark-ep2-25-36.gif\" alt=\"poldark skinny dip gif\" width=\"643\" height=\"382\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza likes what she sees. (For all the pervs out there, this happens around the 30:15 mark; you're very welcome.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that morning, Demelza has to serve Ross like she hasn't seen his twig and berries. It's hard. (The task of pretending, I mean. Not sure about the other thing.) And she'll have to pretend all day long because Ross invites her to come into town with him. He tells her to get her cloak. She's like, \u003cem>Um, I'm poor, remember? I'm already wearing everything I own.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they get to town, they split up to run errands. Ross immediately runs into Pinky Ring because duh. He helps her carry some fabric because they're uneducated so textbooks weren't an option. Malfoy lurks in the background, spying, because this town is apparently the size of a studio apartment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross meets up with Backstabber Cousin, who is supposed to help pitch the idea of reopening the mine to a bunch of moneyed men. But, oops, Malfoy has been talking smack in his ear and Backstabber Cousin announces he no longer wants to go. Ross does not have time for this and is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nlu3avBaaS1tkrthjo1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36480\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nlu3avBaaS1tkrthjo1_500.gif\" alt=\"nene ok girl bye gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the board meeting, Ross basically says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/GIF-No-idea-Have-no-idea-what-im-doing-Kim-Kardashian-Kardashian-WTF-am-i-doing-Confused-Confusing-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36481\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/GIF-No-idea-Have-no-idea-what-im-doing-Kim-Kardashian-Kardashian-WTF-am-i-doing-Confused-Confusing-GIF.gif\" alt=\"GIF-No-idea-Have-no-idea-what-im-doing-Kim-Kardashian-Kardashian-WTF-am-i-doing-Confused-Confusing-GIF\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, like Kim, he's pretty so all the men are like, \u003cem>Take our money!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To celebrate his nonsensical victory, Ross buys Demelza her very first bad ass cape and she walks down the street past a bunch of judgmental jerks like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36549\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-4.gif\" alt=\"kathie lee cape gif\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Backstabber Cousin and his dad can not believe what went down at the ball. How could a woman of a certain station act like such a whore in front of everyone?? Pinky Ring eavesdrops from the adjoining room and slut shames herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at chez Ross, there's a knock at the door. The Pigpens are nowhere to be found (typical) so Demelza has to answer it and it's Pinky Ring, the floozy who dared to square dance with a man that isn't her husband. The horror!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like in the last episode, Demelza gives Pinky Ring a withering \"Girl, are you serious?\" look:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36550\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-800x446.png\" alt=\"demelza poldark\" width=\"800\" height=\"446\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-400x223.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-1440x804.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-1180x659.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM-960x536.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-11.58.57-AM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring has come to cry in Ross' face about what she overheard. The family knows about their sizzling hot sexual chemistry! The jig is up! Ross is jazzed and is moments away from trying to make out with her, when Mr. Pigpen waltzes in for the c*ckblock. It's a scene snatched from every dorm room in America. Roommates are the worst.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rushes over to his uncle's place to formally announce that he's stealing Pinky Ring back. When he arrives, his uncle, his cousin and the tarot-reading old lady are all distraught... over what a loose woman \u003cem>Verity\u003c/em> has become. *record scratch*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Olympic conclusion jumper Pinky Ring sits in the corner like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36558\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/oo.gif\" alt=\"oops real housewives gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The plan is to keep Verity locked up so she doesn't have sex with the captain, who allegedly likes a cocktail every now and then and also maybe sorta beat his wife to death. Verity is a \"plain girl\" and they need to save her from her urge to get with the only man who's ever hit on her. Ross agrees to help and somehow manages not to hire any new employees. Progress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, as Ross is leaving, Verity pops up, but oddly isn't wearing her scarlet letter (the embroiderer must still be working on it). She says that her family is lying. The captain barely pushed his wife, who then did technically die, but it was sort of an accident and, despite not knowing his star sign or favorite color, she just \u003cem>knows\u003c/em> that he would never ever hurt her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Verity and her man hanging out at Ross' house because he loves helping people (if hiring them isn't a possibility).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As Ross handles some heavy bales of hay with his shirt completely on, a worker notices the tops of parasols over the fence. It's the thirsty girl from the ball and her mom. Why would she bring her mother, you ask? Because who else is going to just come out and say: \"One only has to taste her syllabubs to know they are succulent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/19c9m7otofxjtgif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36596\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/19c9m7otofxjtgif.gif\" alt=\"family feud shocked scandalized gif\" width=\"370\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In case you don't watch \u003cem>The\u003c/em> \u003cem>Great British Bake Off\u003c/em>, syllabubs are a whipped cream dessert.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36597\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy8.gif\" alt=\"katy perry whipped cream bikini gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6efdf885-c528-4459-a83f-72a6f69bf1b2-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36598\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/6efdf885-c528-4459-a83f-72a6f69bf1b2-1.gif\" alt=\"whipped cream bikini varsity gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>However, Ross is not hungry. He tells them NEVER GONNA HAPPEN and walks away (in the politest, British way possible of course).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the house, the captain is telling Verity about his multiple children. Run, Verity! 25 might be too old to be desirable by 18th century standards, but 25 is too young to be a stepmom to a bunch of kids who will hate you no matter what because you're not their dead mom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, storm clouds are gathering, which, according to the rules of obvious TV tropes, means that sh*t is about to go down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As expected, Backstabber Cousin and his dad crash Verity's super sexy I'll-sit-way-over-here-on-this-bench-while-you-teach-me-boring-boat-terms-from-way-over-there hangout. Backstabber Cousin challenges the Captain to an epithet-hurling contest. Backstabber Cousin volleys a \"Filthy skunk!\", but it's no match for the Captain's spike of \"Insolent puppy!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What is Backstabber Cousin to do now, after two long episodes of his masculinity being trampled all over? GUN FIGHT, that's what!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross could easily stop this madness from happening, but opts for this approach instead:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/98d4f16.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36599\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/98d4f16.gif\" alt=\"romy michele gif popcorn\" width=\"720\" height=\"405\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Verity tries to put an end to the insanity, but is knocked down by her brother, proving that this has nothing to do with caring about her and everything to do with people thinking he does in fact have testicles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The men take their paces, turn and shoot. Who's dead?? Is it both? Let it be both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope. Francis got shot in the neck and the Captain is unhurt, minus the pain of how awkward this now is for him. \u003cem>Oops, murdered your brother. Wanna honeymoon in Maui?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross rushes Backstabber Cousin's dying body into the house and saves his life, a fact that doesn't stop Pinky Ring from yelling at him nor his uncle from blaming Ross for everything and calling him a disgrace. With friends like these...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And the coup de grace: Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>Thanks for saving that twerp's life because I forgot to tell you: I'm pregnant with a baby that's definitely not yours, k thx bai!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Backstabber Cousin: \u003c/strong>It was a tight race for Worst Person Ever this week, but B.C. eked out a win for several reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>He gets physical with a woman because he's really mad that another man got physical with a woman\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He's never had a job and doesn't know how to do anything\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He is not smart and so easily manipulated by Malfoy\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>He didn't die\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>His fragile masculinity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Etc.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Thirtsy Girl's Mom: \u003c/strong>She's shameless and kind of gross, but both take nerve so hat's off to her for pimping out her daughter so brazenly centuries before \u003cem>Toddlers and Tiaras\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Ross:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>He heard the world's call for him to take off his shirt and, because he loves to help people, took off all his clothes and even got wet. A true humanitarian.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>Verity\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong> She deserves better than being born in an age where everyone hates women this much. I hope she finds a time machine or a hidden matriarchal society soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Demelza: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Her self-care regiment is truly inspirational:\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>After a long week of hard work, it's only right to reward oneself with some me time and a skinny dip peep show feat. Ross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/19/poldark-season-1-premiere-recap-stayin-alive/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin' Alive\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Poldark' Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin' Alive",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin' Alive",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey recaps\u003c/a> of yore. Since that show wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called Poldark that a bunch of you are supposedly crazy about. I have to be honest, I was skeptical at first. But my doubt was no match for \u003ca href=\"http://i2.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article5383476.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200/Poldark-star-Aidan-Turner-getting-the-brush-off-from-a-crew-member.jpg\">this photo\u003c/a> so here I am, recapping season 1, in anticipation of the imminent second season. I hope you'll join me. Let's do this...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The series starts with a shot of leaves. No dog butt, no bell tolling, no slowly falling rose petal, no feather duster flirting with a chandelier. It's only been 3 seconds, but watching \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> already feels like dating too soon after a breakup. You just can't help comparing the new person to your ex. But I will push through because \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> and I are never ever getting back together (unless those film spin-off rumors end up being true).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, leaves. A bunch of British soldiers are kicking it in the woods of Virginia in 1781. The hottest one is named Ross Poldark. He's gambling because killing people can get boring after a while. His friend wants Ross to bet his pinky ring. Ross refuses because he's mad his friend brought up the fact that he's wearing a pinky ring.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some killjoy emerges to complain about Ross' gambling ways and his lack of excitement about the war. Ross laughs because that's what he does to nerds. Apparently, Ross is only here because he was avoiding punishment for a laundry list of bad boy activities, mainly punching people in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Killjoy continues complaining... until he gets shot! The gang of Britain-haters hiding in the bushes apparently don't like nerds either. Everyone freaks out and Ross grabs a gun and yells at his friend, \"Do you want to leave here or die here?!?\" Um, leave, most likely? Because Ross was preoccupied with asking useless rhetorical questions, one of the attackers gets the chance to knock him out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Flashback to some girl who's running along a cliff back home. We'll call her Pinky Ring. She giggles because this is her first relationship and she has no idea how wack long-distance relationships are.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in America, Ross is unconscious, surrounded by dead people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two years later in Cornwall (okay, we're not wasting any time here!), Ross is napping in a horse-drawn coach, while strangers talk sh*t about him very loudly. \u003cem>He was declared dead and yet here he is, wearing that pinky ring as ever. Better off dead, if you ask me, because his family's credit score sucks. Also, his dad is totally dead.\u003c/em> Ross stops pretending to be asleep and is like \u003cem>Wait, what?!\u003c/em> The rude gossipers are like \u003cem>Oops, didn't realize you could hear us! Our b! And yeah, your dad is totally dead.\u003c/em> Kill them, Ross. You're a war hero. No one will mind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the strangers asks how the war was. Ross is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/latrice-really-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33552\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/latrice-really-gif.gif\" alt=\"latrice really gif\" width=\"494\" height=\"266\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a list of things not to ask people who barely survived a war, this ranks somewhere in the neighborhood of \u003cem>How many friends did you have to watch die?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross asks to be let out because wouldn't you? All the rude strangers remind him that his house is further down. And Ross reminds them that his father is apparently super dead and won't be there. The strangers think to themselves, \u003cem>If we stay very, very still, maybe he will forget we're here?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"homer-simpson-bush-gif\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross ditches them and walks to what looks like the edge of the Earth. The sky mingles with the mist of crashing waves and it's a damn shame Instagram will take another 240 years to be invented because Ross would get soooo many likes for this vista.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our favorite bad boy gets over his could've-been social media fame and makes his way over to his uncle's mansion. Inside, everyone is basically having a seated rave. Dead Ross and his dead daddy who? No one is the least bit bothered. Least of all, Pinky Ring, who is kicking it with a new dude, who tells her he likes her just the way she is. Nice try, buddy, but Colin Firth \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZu2JfM2Aq8\">already used that line\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The door opens and a girl who is too much like Daisy from \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> not to be her great great grandmother or something gets excited. Her dad tells her she shouldn't even dream about gentlemen callers. She will instead pour him his wine and serve him his weird British food forevermore cause the patriarchy is strong and she won't have any rights for... well, the rest of her life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The visitor turns out to be none other than Ross, back from the dead! Only Daisy's great great grandmother and Pinky Ring's new man, who turns out to be Ross' cousin (et tu, Brute?), get up to greet a man everyone thought they'd never see again. That's cool, everyone; stay seated. This isn't a miracle or anything.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Girlfriend-stealing cousin tells Ross that he and Pinky Ring were very worried about him. Mmhmmm, suuuure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Puppy-in-love Ross doesn't sniff out all the weirdness and instead thinks: \u003cem>Pinky Ring! You're here! Yay! What a coinkidink! I'm so excited to make out with you!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before he gets the chance, Pinky Ring's mom takes a page out of the stage-coach strangers' book of zero manners. \"Do tell us how we managed to lose the war.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/murder-she-wrote-wtf-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33554\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/murder-she-wrote-wtf-gif.gif\" alt=\"murder she wrote wtf gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross brushes her rude prompt off 'cause, after years upon years abroad, he's gonna get some tonight! Not so fast, says everyone. \u003cem>Pinky Ring is marrying your cousin! Isn't that exciting?!\u003c/em> Ross' entire FML demeanor seems to suggest: No, that is not exciting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' uncle adds to the despair 'cause why not: \u003cem>P.S. Your dad left you basically nothing and Cornwall is poorer than ever. Welcome home, I guess!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross decides these people are gross and that he wants to be alone (#introvertsgonnaintrovert). But before he goes, he proposes a toast to the happy couple that ruined his life and didn't even apologize for it. Everyone feels first-day-of-school-after-a-summer-of-puberty awkward.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33553\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/britney-awkward-gif.gif\" alt=\"britney awkward gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross passes several Instagram opportunities on his way to his father's house. When he gets there, everything is in ruin. Rats and hens are running things now. Ross walks upstairs to find two snoring lumps in his dad's bed. He considers setting them on fire because it's just one of them days, but he opts for throwing a pail of cold water on them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They're his father's good-for-nothing servants (picture any person you've ever seen on \u003cem>Hoarders\u003c/em> and multiply that person by two). Ross accuses them of starting the rumor that he was dead and threatens to hit them with the side of his foot. Go off, Ross! You've earned a good freak out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the uncle's house, Backstabber Cousin, some old lady and Daisy: The Prequel talk about how the Pinky Ring wedding should probably be moved up. \u003cem>Did y'all see Ross' curls?? I didn't remember them being so bouncy! Yeah, you need to lock that girl down before she realizes you're a 4 to Ross' 10.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross goes to visit some of his buddies/tenants. Because this entire part of the country has no idea how to small talk without saying triggering things, someone asks Ross how the war was. HOW DO YOU THINK IT WAS, A-HOLE?! Another asks, What happened out there? SIGH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the region, Pinky Ring is sitting on a bench thinking\u003cem> I forgot just how bouncy Ross' curls are! \u003c/em>She hears the distant sound of hoofs and gets butterflies in her stomach.\u003cem> OMG, here's the part where he asks me to run away with him and I say I can't but almost kiss him anyway and then lead him on for months and months and months before settling for his cousin after all! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A servant comes and announces Poldark. Pinky Ring turns and -- boom! -- it's his cousin because THEY HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME, which really drives the point home that what she's doing is really gross. There were no other men around who flaked on the war?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, a lawyer reminds Ross for the 324th time that he's broke.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a manor, a former classmate and his bewigged uncle talk about manipulating Ross to their advantage. Geez, no wonder Ben Franklin and co. seceded. Everyone in England is apparently awful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Pinky Ring's house, Pinky Ring picks up her skirts and gets ready to run to wherever Ross is because Backstabber Cousin just isn't cute enough, his title be damned. Pinky Ring's mother pops out of a bush just in time to catch her and say, \u003cem>Actually, his title be NOT damned\u003c/em>. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>Moooooom\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a field, Ross gallops upon his lazy servants who look like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/a23abb12a709450e5a07af2859079d8d.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35943\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/a23abb12a709450e5a07af2859079d8d.jpg\" alt=\"a23abb12a709450e5a07af2859079d8d\" width=\"219\" height=\"329\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He tells Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen that they're actually going to have to help him turn things around if they don't want to die of starvation. They're like, \u003cem>Mooooooom\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Up gallops, Daisy: The Prequel, who is like \u003cem>Girl, let's dish!\u003c/em> Ross is like,\u003cem> I'm kind of busy thinking of how I can climb out of poverty, but ok, sure. \u003c/em>D.T.P. calls out how weird it was for Pinky Ring to all of a sudden pounce on Backstabber Cousin (his name is apparently Francis and I'll maybe consider using it after I stop being pissed at him). Ross thinks she's in it for the cash and proceeds to sing selections from Kanye West's \"Gold Digger.\" Daisy informs Ross that their wedding is in two weeks, tosses him a \"sorry, bro\" and one of these: \u003cspan style=\"font-size: 22px;font-weight: bold;line-height: 1.09091\">¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross moves heavy rocks around and uses a hammer very aggressively. His shirt stays on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Backstabber Cousin sneaks up on Pinky Ring, who seems to be perpetually on a stroll in her backyard. He gives a sad little speech that boils down to: \u003cem>Hey, girl. I know I'm boring and not cute and understand if you want to call this off to be with my interesting and very cute cousin. Is there something you wish to tell me?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/THISGONBGUD.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35948\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/THISGONBGUD.gif\" alt=\"THISGONBGUD\" width=\"350\" height=\"191\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Go ahead, Pinky Ring! Say it! Say you hope you can still be friends and how it's not him, it's you and give him a Post-It that has \u003ca href=\"https://offmydottyrocker.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/img_6878.jpg?w=560&h=400&crop=1\">I Can't, I'm Sorry, Don't Hate Me \u003c/a>scribbled on it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3eu9epuZO1smcbm7o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35949\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3eu9epuZO1smcbm7o1_400.gif\" alt=\"go on gif\" width=\"300\" height=\"161\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I wish to tell you...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35950\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1.gif\" alt=\"i dream genie gif popcorn\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"...that I cannot wait to be your wife.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/aaa-spill-popcorn-mean-girls.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35951\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/aaa-spill-popcorn-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"aaa-spill-popcorn-mean-girls\" width=\"350\" height=\"219\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin makes out with her hand. Nice knowing ya, Pinky Ring. Enjoy watching paint dry for the rest of your life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin gets all dolled up, puts on a top hat and gallops up to Ross, who is laboring with not only a shirt on, but a vest too. Backstabber Cousin says Ross' dad wouldn't want him working in the muck like that. Ross tries not to murder him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But maybe he will because they end up venturing into a dilapidated mine together. Backstabber Cousin brings up how Ross should probably leave town, but not before attending his wedding. He then proceeds to go into detail about how one thing led to another with Pinky Ring, prompting Ross to yell MUST YOU RUB MY NOSE IN IT!!! so loudly that Backstabber Cousin falls into a very random, very deep puddle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He apparently can't swim and Ross is unbothered.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35963\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif\" alt=\"mindy kaling whatever loser the office gif\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a nice, luxurious pause, Ross eventually saves him and immediately disses him for not knowing how to swim. His cousin shares that he thought Ross was going to let him drown. Ross shares that he strongly considered it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two weeks later, Ross stands grumpy and in all of his FML glory in the back of a church as Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring say \"I do.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the after party, up-to-something former classmate and his uncle are loudly talking sh*t about how the Poldarks are impoverished losers. Ross doesn't have time for it and walks away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3vzjp6qrQ1qlgh5qo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35966\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3vzjp6qrQ1qlgh5qo1_250.gif\" alt=\"britney whatever stronger gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"131\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Former classmate, whose name is George but deserves to be called Malfoy, follows Ross into a room and continues the Cornwall tradition of saying triggering things. \u003cem>Nice scar! How did you get it? Oh, and sorry that your dad is so dead! Oh, and LOL about you being at your ex's wedding. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, Daisy: The Prequel interrupts and escorts Ross past a cock fight (naturally) and into a room where Pinky Ring is waiting to complain about how he never came to see her. Girl, are you serious? Apparently, she is because she goes on to make excuses for why he's currently dying inside at his cousin's wedding. And she wants him to commit to being her friend. Nooooope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before things get any sloppier and more brutal, her mom waltzes in and says, \u003cem>Ooo, I'm telling Backstabber Cousin\u003c/em>, who promptly shows up and actually says, \"May I claim my bride, Ross?\" Ross is like, \u003cem>By all means\u003c/em>, and hums Kanye's \"Gold Digger\" some more.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the old lady who sometimes hangs out with Daisy: The Prequel is being really hipster and reading tarot cards. Prognosis: All is fair in love and war (i.e. sorry, Ross). Across town, Ross is getting plastered and throws his pinky ring. Be gone, wack accessory!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross' uncle shows up to kick him while he's down. He reminds him of the state of things:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Estate: In Debt.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Servants: Wastrels.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Mines: Derelict.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Land: Barren.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Father: Dead.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And suggests Ross move his hot bod far, far away from Pinky Ring. He'll even finance the move. You know you're boring and ugly when your dad has to pay cooler, better looking people to scram.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is a market day, which means that all the horrible, dirty people of Cornwall gather in one place to sell things, buy things and convince anyone living in 2016 that there's nothing about the 18th century worth being nostalgic for. No time machine needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross sells his dead dad's pocket watch and buys a cow. The village people (not to be confused with the fun '70s gay group) want to get the party started so they do what any awful 18th century person would do: throw a cute, shy puppy into a vicious dog fight. The cute, shy puppy's owner is like OH HELL NO and throws herself into the mix. The village people assault her because again everyone in this place and time is awful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross, the only decent person (other than Daisy: The Prequel and maybe the tarot-reading granny) steps in and is like \u003cem>Not on my watch! Uhhh, the metaphorical one, not the real one I just sold. Oh, you know what I mean!\u003c/em> A townie decides \u003cem>Hey, this is a great time to make a huge mistake\u003c/em> and gets in Ross' face. An amorphous \u003cem>Mortal Kombat\u003c/em> voice yells out FINISH HIM! and Ross abides by brutally smacking the townie right in the face with his walking stick.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, inside a pub, where a completely different dog is sitting on a bench in front of beer like a real human drunk, Ross buys food for cute, shy puppy owner. Turns out her name is Demelza. She has six brothers and a father. They all are terrible bros and beat her every day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Ross can even take that all in, Pinky Ring barges in to say she thinks Ross did the right thing. He doesn't need your approval! Go find your boring husband! Oh, but she doesn't have to bother finding him because Backstabber Cousin pops in to make sure his wife isn't having sex with his hot cousin. And because this parade of a-holes isn't robust enough, Malfoy shows up to talk some smack and then plot with his uncle in the next room. He uses the word 'impecunious' to make sure we all know he got a very admirable score on his SAT verbal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza share a horse on the way home because the HOV lane is always faster. She's singing under her breath, probably something from the new Britney album, which is really quite good. As they're about to part ways, Ross thinks of her family of abusive bros and offers her a job as a kitchen maid. She's down if cute, shy puppy can come too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they get home, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are pissed because they don't want to share their mac and cheese or whatever people ate back then. Ross tells them to chill out, while casually washing the lice out of Demelza's hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_noogenkh0F1qk08n1o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36233\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_noogenkh0F1qk08n1o1_500.gif\" alt=\"real housewives gross gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Pigpen makes Demelza feel welcome by threatening to beat her up. The list of people who deserve to die on this show is getting really long. It might be easier to make a list of people who \u003cem>don't\u003c/em> deserve to die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' uncle, the least subtle man alive, sends along a bunch of cash that says \u003cem>JUST MOVE ALREADY!!\u003c/em> and \u003cem>WHY COULDN'T YOU STAY DEAD?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross asks Demelza if the Pigpens are being nice. She's like \u003cem>We're in 18th century Cornwall, the most miserable place ever to exist, what do you think?\u003c/em> He recommends that she lean in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite Ross' No Dogs in the House rule (he's more of a cat person), Demelza sneaks cute, shy puppy inside and spoons him all night long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross goes to his uncle's house to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36234\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\" alt=\"get off my jock gif bethenny\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle isn't home, but Pinky Ring is (ugh, this again). She tries to bait him into some emotional exchange, but he's not biting. She brings up how not everyone liked how he intervened to save Demelza from the crowd. And how not everyone will like how he is now employing her. And how she wishes they could be friends. Ross responds with exactly what's on my mind: \"Good God, Elizabeth.\" (Yeah, Pinky Ring has a name, believe it or not.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They bicker next to a harp. Did she not mean those things she said before he left for the war? She thought he was dead! Does she not still have the hots for him? She can't say because she's married! And round and round they go, just like your friend (everyone has this friend) who can't stop texting their ex and complains about all the drama, while secretly luxuriating in it all. Enough is enough, Ross and Pinky Ring. MOVE ON.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring eventually asks him to move away and leave her alone. Ross screams, \u003cem>Fine!\u003c/em> As he's riding off, drama addict Pinky Ring runs outside to ask if they can be friends. Make up your mind! Ross blasts Taylor Swift's \"We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together\" from his horse's speaker system and rides away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross returns home and tells Mrs. Pigpen that he's moving to London because everyone in Cornwall sucks. She's like \u003cem>Oh, you haven't seen nothing yet! Demelza's sucky family is here. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza's dad and two of his friends are ready to throw down. They don't care if their teeth get knocked out because they're already black with decay and falling out anyway. And thanks to the Bro Signal they sent up into the sky earlier, more mouth breathers are on their way to murder Ross. Bros hunt in packs, after all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Intense violins play as Demelza's dad and co. head-butt and uppercut Ross all over the place for several minutes. They even stomp on his beautiful head! Not the money-maker! Outside, Mr. Pigpen and the tenants battle a mob of bros. Someone gets kicked in the nuts so hard that there will be no heirs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/775051320914874368\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mrs. Pigpen runs to Ross' uncle's house, yelling \"They be killin' Mr. Ross!!\" Pinky Ring wants Backstabber Cousin to go help, but he knows he'll just get a deadly wedgie or get his head flushed so he stays put with a look of fake concern on his face. Uncle says Mrs. Pigpen is exaggerating and slams the door on her, hoping Ross dies for real this time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite all the skull stomping, Ross gets a second wind and beats up Demelza's dad. Ross and the bros eventually come to a truce and Ross celebrates being alive and finally having some alone time by guzzling wine (18th century hotties! They're just like us!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring is kicking back with a good book 'cause that's what people do when the love of their life is in the process of being murdered. She overhears Backstabber Cousin and Uncle talking about the plan to get Ross to move away. You are who you hang out with, Pinky Ring.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road, Ross meets up with the tenants and Mr. Pigpen, who are on a high after an afternoon of nut-cracking (see tweet above). They vow to always have his back. *adds these dudes to my People Who Don't Deserve to Die list*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Uncle's house, Backstabber Cousin almost dies from being dissed really hard by his own father:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"I don't like it, father.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"You'd like it less if you lost your wife.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Assuming I can't keep her myself!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Can you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36370\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"shade gif\" width=\"350\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross finds Demelza roaming the moors and is in the process of bringing her home, when Pinky Ring rides up on a white horse. This leave-me-alone-no-wait-pay-attention-to-me cycle is getting very tired. Pinky Ring declares that she's changed her mind about that whole \u003cem>Move away and leave me alone forever!\u003c/em> thing and now wants Ross to stay in Cornwall. Judging by the look on Demelza's face, I'm not the only one wondering: \"Is she serious?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36371\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"poldark demelza\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-400x220.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-768x423.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-1440x793.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-1180x650.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-960x529.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross promises to stick around so they can keep doing this sexy love-hate thing for at least seven more episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Basically Everyone in Cornwall: \u003c/strong>From evil former classmates to Ross' uncle to Demelza's dad to everyone who showed up for Market Day, it was a team effort to secure the title for Most Deplorable this week.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Cute, Shy Puppy: \u003c/strong>He's a pacifist and likes to be the little spoon. Also, he's cute and shy. What's not to love?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>The Old Lady with the Tarot Cards:\u003c/strong> She's a pioneer of hipster hobbies so we must pay credit where credit is due.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Daisy: The Prequel: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Any ancestor of Daisy's is a friend of mine. Plus, she is chill, likes to talk smack when it's deserved, and seems to generally disdain everyone in Cornwall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Ross\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> I mean, was it even a question? He survived the war, survived a brutal beating, survived being surrounded by a-holes, with nary a hair out of place. May his skull never be stomped upon again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/23/poldark-season-1-episode-4-recap-send-my-love-to-your-new-lover/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Did the end of 'Downton Abbey' leave a void in your spirit? 'Poldark' is here to fill it.",
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"description": "Did the end of 'Downton Abbey' leave a void in your spirit? 'Poldark' is here to fill it.",
"title": "'Poldark' Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin' Alive | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey recaps\u003c/a> of yore. Since that show wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called Poldark that a bunch of you are supposedly crazy about. I have to be honest, I was skeptical at first. But my doubt was no match for \u003ca href=\"http://i2.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article5383476.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200/Poldark-star-Aidan-Turner-getting-the-brush-off-from-a-crew-member.jpg\">this photo\u003c/a> so here I am, recapping season 1, in anticipation of the imminent second season. I hope you'll join me. Let's do this...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The series starts with a shot of leaves. No dog butt, no bell tolling, no slowly falling rose petal, no feather duster flirting with a chandelier. It's only been 3 seconds, but watching \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> already feels like dating too soon after a breakup. You just can't help comparing the new person to your ex. But I will push through because \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> and I are never ever getting back together (unless those film spin-off rumors end up being true).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, leaves. A bunch of British soldiers are kicking it in the woods of Virginia in 1781. The hottest one is named Ross Poldark. He's gambling because killing people can get boring after a while. His friend wants Ross to bet his pinky ring. Ross refuses because he's mad his friend brought up the fact that he's wearing a pinky ring.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some killjoy emerges to complain about Ross' gambling ways and his lack of excitement about the war. Ross laughs because that's what he does to nerds. Apparently, Ross is only here because he was avoiding punishment for a laundry list of bad boy activities, mainly punching people in the face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Killjoy continues complaining... until he gets shot! The gang of Britain-haters hiding in the bushes apparently don't like nerds either. Everyone freaks out and Ross grabs a gun and yells at his friend, \"Do you want to leave here or die here?!?\" Um, leave, most likely? Because Ross was preoccupied with asking useless rhetorical questions, one of the attackers gets the chance to knock him out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Flashback to some girl who's running along a cliff back home. We'll call her Pinky Ring. She giggles because this is her first relationship and she has no idea how wack long-distance relationships are.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in America, Ross is unconscious, surrounded by dead people.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two years later in Cornwall (okay, we're not wasting any time here!), Ross is napping in a horse-drawn coach, while strangers talk sh*t about him very loudly. \u003cem>He was declared dead and yet here he is, wearing that pinky ring as ever. Better off dead, if you ask me, because his family's credit score sucks. Also, his dad is totally dead.\u003c/em> Ross stops pretending to be asleep and is like \u003cem>Wait, what?!\u003c/em> The rude gossipers are like \u003cem>Oops, didn't realize you could hear us! Our b! And yeah, your dad is totally dead.\u003c/em> Kill them, Ross. You're a war hero. No one will mind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the strangers asks how the war was. Ross is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/latrice-really-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33552\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/latrice-really-gif.gif\" alt=\"latrice really gif\" width=\"494\" height=\"266\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a list of things not to ask people who barely survived a war, this ranks somewhere in the neighborhood of \u003cem>How many friends did you have to watch die?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross asks to be let out because wouldn't you? All the rude strangers remind him that his house is further down. And Ross reminds them that his father is apparently super dead and won't be there. The strangers think to themselves, \u003cem>If we stay very, very still, maybe he will forget we're here?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"homer-simpson-bush-gif\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross ditches them and walks to what looks like the edge of the Earth. The sky mingles with the mist of crashing waves and it's a damn shame Instagram will take another 240 years to be invented because Ross would get soooo many likes for this vista.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our favorite bad boy gets over his could've-been social media fame and makes his way over to his uncle's mansion. Inside, everyone is basically having a seated rave. Dead Ross and his dead daddy who? No one is the least bit bothered. Least of all, Pinky Ring, who is kicking it with a new dude, who tells her he likes her just the way she is. Nice try, buddy, but Colin Firth \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZu2JfM2Aq8\">already used that line\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The door opens and a girl who is too much like Daisy from \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em> not to be her great great grandmother or something gets excited. Her dad tells her she shouldn't even dream about gentlemen callers. She will instead pour him his wine and serve him his weird British food forevermore cause the patriarchy is strong and she won't have any rights for... well, the rest of her life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The visitor turns out to be none other than Ross, back from the dead! Only Daisy's great great grandmother and Pinky Ring's new man, who turns out to be Ross' cousin (et tu, Brute?), get up to greet a man everyone thought they'd never see again. That's cool, everyone; stay seated. This isn't a miracle or anything.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Girlfriend-stealing cousin tells Ross that he and Pinky Ring were very worried about him. Mmhmmm, suuuure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Puppy-in-love Ross doesn't sniff out all the weirdness and instead thinks: \u003cem>Pinky Ring! You're here! Yay! What a coinkidink! I'm so excited to make out with you!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before he gets the chance, Pinky Ring's mom takes a page out of the stage-coach strangers' book of zero manners. \"Do tell us how we managed to lose the war.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/murder-she-wrote-wtf-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33554\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/murder-she-wrote-wtf-gif.gif\" alt=\"murder she wrote wtf gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross brushes her rude prompt off 'cause, after years upon years abroad, he's gonna get some tonight! Not so fast, says everyone. \u003cem>Pinky Ring is marrying your cousin! Isn't that exciting?!\u003c/em> Ross' entire FML demeanor seems to suggest: No, that is not exciting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' uncle adds to the despair 'cause why not: \u003cem>P.S. Your dad left you basically nothing and Cornwall is poorer than ever. Welcome home, I guess!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross decides these people are gross and that he wants to be alone (#introvertsgonnaintrovert). But before he goes, he proposes a toast to the happy couple that ruined his life and didn't even apologize for it. Everyone feels first-day-of-school-after-a-summer-of-puberty awkward.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33553\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/britney-awkward-gif.gif\" alt=\"britney awkward gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross passes several Instagram opportunities on his way to his father's house. When he gets there, everything is in ruin. Rats and hens are running things now. Ross walks upstairs to find two snoring lumps in his dad's bed. He considers setting them on fire because it's just one of them days, but he opts for throwing a pail of cold water on them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They're his father's good-for-nothing servants (picture any person you've ever seen on \u003cem>Hoarders\u003c/em> and multiply that person by two). Ross accuses them of starting the rumor that he was dead and threatens to hit them with the side of his foot. Go off, Ross! You've earned a good freak out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the uncle's house, Backstabber Cousin, some old lady and Daisy: The Prequel talk about how the Pinky Ring wedding should probably be moved up. \u003cem>Did y'all see Ross' curls?? I didn't remember them being so bouncy! Yeah, you need to lock that girl down before she realizes you're a 4 to Ross' 10.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross goes to visit some of his buddies/tenants. Because this entire part of the country has no idea how to small talk without saying triggering things, someone asks Ross how the war was. HOW DO YOU THINK IT WAS, A-HOLE?! Another asks, What happened out there? SIGH.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the region, Pinky Ring is sitting on a bench thinking\u003cem> I forgot just how bouncy Ross' curls are! \u003c/em>She hears the distant sound of hoofs and gets butterflies in her stomach.\u003cem> OMG, here's the part where he asks me to run away with him and I say I can't but almost kiss him anyway and then lead him on for months and months and months before settling for his cousin after all! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A servant comes and announces Poldark. Pinky Ring turns and -- boom! -- it's his cousin because THEY HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME, which really drives the point home that what she's doing is really gross. There were no other men around who flaked on the war?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, a lawyer reminds Ross for the 324th time that he's broke.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a manor, a former classmate and his bewigged uncle talk about manipulating Ross to their advantage. Geez, no wonder Ben Franklin and co. seceded. Everyone in England is apparently awful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Pinky Ring's house, Pinky Ring picks up her skirts and gets ready to run to wherever Ross is because Backstabber Cousin just isn't cute enough, his title be damned. Pinky Ring's mother pops out of a bush just in time to catch her and say, \u003cem>Actually, his title be NOT damned\u003c/em>. Pinky Ring is like, \u003cem>Moooooom\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a field, Ross gallops upon his lazy servants who look like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/a23abb12a709450e5a07af2859079d8d.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35943\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/a23abb12a709450e5a07af2859079d8d.jpg\" alt=\"a23abb12a709450e5a07af2859079d8d\" width=\"219\" height=\"329\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He tells Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen that they're actually going to have to help him turn things around if they don't want to die of starvation. They're like, \u003cem>Mooooooom\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Up gallops, Daisy: The Prequel, who is like \u003cem>Girl, let's dish!\u003c/em> Ross is like,\u003cem> I'm kind of busy thinking of how I can climb out of poverty, but ok, sure. \u003c/em>D.T.P. calls out how weird it was for Pinky Ring to all of a sudden pounce on Backstabber Cousin (his name is apparently Francis and I'll maybe consider using it after I stop being pissed at him). Ross thinks she's in it for the cash and proceeds to sing selections from Kanye West's \"Gold Digger.\" Daisy informs Ross that their wedding is in two weeks, tosses him a \"sorry, bro\" and one of these: \u003cspan style=\"font-size: 22px;font-weight: bold;line-height: 1.09091\">¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Ross moves heavy rocks around and uses a hammer very aggressively. His shirt stays on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Backstabber Cousin sneaks up on Pinky Ring, who seems to be perpetually on a stroll in her backyard. He gives a sad little speech that boils down to: \u003cem>Hey, girl. I know I'm boring and not cute and understand if you want to call this off to be with my interesting and very cute cousin. Is there something you wish to tell me?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/THISGONBGUD.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35948\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/THISGONBGUD.gif\" alt=\"THISGONBGUD\" width=\"350\" height=\"191\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Go ahead, Pinky Ring! Say it! Say you hope you can still be friends and how it's not him, it's you and give him a Post-It that has \u003ca href=\"https://offmydottyrocker.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/img_6878.jpg?w=560&h=400&crop=1\">I Can't, I'm Sorry, Don't Hate Me \u003c/a>scribbled on it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3eu9epuZO1smcbm7o1_400.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35949\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3eu9epuZO1smcbm7o1_400.gif\" alt=\"go on gif\" width=\"300\" height=\"161\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I wish to tell you...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35950\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1.gif\" alt=\"i dream genie gif popcorn\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"...that I cannot wait to be your wife.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/aaa-spill-popcorn-mean-girls.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35951\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/aaa-spill-popcorn-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"aaa-spill-popcorn-mean-girls\" width=\"350\" height=\"219\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Backstabber Cousin makes out with her hand. Nice knowing ya, Pinky Ring. Enjoy watching paint dry for the rest of your life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Backstabber Cousin gets all dolled up, puts on a top hat and gallops up to Ross, who is laboring with not only a shirt on, but a vest too. Backstabber Cousin says Ross' dad wouldn't want him working in the muck like that. Ross tries not to murder him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But maybe he will because they end up venturing into a dilapidated mine together. Backstabber Cousin brings up how Ross should probably leave town, but not before attending his wedding. He then proceeds to go into detail about how one thing led to another with Pinky Ring, prompting Ross to yell MUST YOU RUB MY NOSE IN IT!!! so loudly that Backstabber Cousin falls into a very random, very deep puddle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He apparently can't swim and Ross is unbothered.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35963\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif\" alt=\"mindy kaling whatever loser the office gif\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/azc2u1jpg.gif-c200-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a nice, luxurious pause, Ross eventually saves him and immediately disses him for not knowing how to swim. His cousin shares that he thought Ross was going to let him drown. Ross shares that he strongly considered it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two weeks later, Ross stands grumpy and in all of his FML glory in the back of a church as Backstabber Cousin and Pinky Ring say \"I do.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the after party, up-to-something former classmate and his uncle are loudly talking sh*t about how the Poldarks are impoverished losers. Ross doesn't have time for it and walks away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3vzjp6qrQ1qlgh5qo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-35966\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n3vzjp6qrQ1qlgh5qo1_250.gif\" alt=\"britney whatever stronger gif\" width=\"250\" height=\"131\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Former classmate, whose name is George but deserves to be called Malfoy, follows Ross into a room and continues the Cornwall tradition of saying triggering things. \u003cem>Nice scar! How did you get it? Oh, and sorry that your dad is so dead! Oh, and LOL about you being at your ex's wedding. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, Daisy: The Prequel interrupts and escorts Ross past a cock fight (naturally) and into a room where Pinky Ring is waiting to complain about how he never came to see her. Girl, are you serious? Apparently, she is because she goes on to make excuses for why he's currently dying inside at his cousin's wedding. And she wants him to commit to being her friend. Nooooope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before things get any sloppier and more brutal, her mom waltzes in and says, \u003cem>Ooo, I'm telling Backstabber Cousin\u003c/em>, who promptly shows up and actually says, \"May I claim my bride, Ross?\" Ross is like, \u003cem>By all means\u003c/em>, and hums Kanye's \"Gold Digger\" some more.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the old lady who sometimes hangs out with Daisy: The Prequel is being really hipster and reading tarot cards. Prognosis: All is fair in love and war (i.e. sorry, Ross). Across town, Ross is getting plastered and throws his pinky ring. Be gone, wack accessory!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross' uncle shows up to kick him while he's down. He reminds him of the state of things:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Estate: In Debt.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Servants: Wastrels.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Mines: Derelict.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Land: Barren.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Father: Dead.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And suggests Ross move his hot bod far, far away from Pinky Ring. He'll even finance the move. You know you're boring and ugly when your dad has to pay cooler, better looking people to scram.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is a market day, which means that all the horrible, dirty people of Cornwall gather in one place to sell things, buy things and convince anyone living in 2016 that there's nothing about the 18th century worth being nostalgic for. No time machine needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross sells his dead dad's pocket watch and buys a cow. The village people (not to be confused with the fun '70s gay group) want to get the party started so they do what any awful 18th century person would do: throw a cute, shy puppy into a vicious dog fight. The cute, shy puppy's owner is like OH HELL NO and throws herself into the mix. The village people assault her because again everyone in this place and time is awful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross, the only decent person (other than Daisy: The Prequel and maybe the tarot-reading granny) steps in and is like \u003cem>Not on my watch! Uhhh, the metaphorical one, not the real one I just sold. Oh, you know what I mean!\u003c/em> A townie decides \u003cem>Hey, this is a great time to make a huge mistake\u003c/em> and gets in Ross' face. An amorphous \u003cem>Mortal Kombat\u003c/em> voice yells out FINISH HIM! and Ross abides by brutally smacking the townie right in the face with his walking stick.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, inside a pub, where a completely different dog is sitting on a bench in front of beer like a real human drunk, Ross buys food for cute, shy puppy owner. Turns out her name is Demelza. She has six brothers and a father. They all are terrible bros and beat her every day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Ross can even take that all in, Pinky Ring barges in to say she thinks Ross did the right thing. He doesn't need your approval! Go find your boring husband! Oh, but she doesn't have to bother finding him because Backstabber Cousin pops in to make sure his wife isn't having sex with his hot cousin. And because this parade of a-holes isn't robust enough, Malfoy shows up to talk some smack and then plot with his uncle in the next room. He uses the word 'impecunious' to make sure we all know he got a very admirable score on his SAT verbal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross and Demelza share a horse on the way home because the HOV lane is always faster. She's singing under her breath, probably something from the new Britney album, which is really quite good. As they're about to part ways, Ross thinks of her family of abusive bros and offers her a job as a kitchen maid. She's down if cute, shy puppy can come too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they get home, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are pissed because they don't want to share their mac and cheese or whatever people ate back then. Ross tells them to chill out, while casually washing the lice out of Demelza's hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_noogenkh0F1qk08n1o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36233\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_noogenkh0F1qk08n1o1_500.gif\" alt=\"real housewives gross gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Pigpen makes Demelza feel welcome by threatening to beat her up. The list of people who deserve to die on this show is getting really long. It might be easier to make a list of people who \u003cem>don't\u003c/em> deserve to die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross' uncle, the least subtle man alive, sends along a bunch of cash that says \u003cem>JUST MOVE ALREADY!!\u003c/em> and \u003cem>WHY COULDN'T YOU STAY DEAD?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross asks Demelza if the Pigpens are being nice. She's like \u003cem>We're in 18th century Cornwall, the most miserable place ever to exist, what do you think?\u003c/em> He recommends that she lean in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite Ross' No Dogs in the House rule (he's more of a cat person), Demelza sneaks cute, shy puppy inside and spoons him all night long.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Ross goes to his uncle's house to say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36234\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\" alt=\"get off my jock gif bethenny\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Uncle isn't home, but Pinky Ring is (ugh, this again). She tries to bait him into some emotional exchange, but he's not biting. She brings up how not everyone liked how he intervened to save Demelza from the crowd. And how not everyone will like how he is now employing her. And how she wishes they could be friends. Ross responds with exactly what's on my mind: \"Good God, Elizabeth.\" (Yeah, Pinky Ring has a name, believe it or not.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They bicker next to a harp. Did she not mean those things she said before he left for the war? She thought he was dead! Does she not still have the hots for him? She can't say because she's married! And round and round they go, just like your friend (everyone has this friend) who can't stop texting their ex and complains about all the drama, while secretly luxuriating in it all. Enough is enough, Ross and Pinky Ring. MOVE ON.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinky Ring eventually asks him to move away and leave her alone. Ross screams, \u003cem>Fine!\u003c/em> As he's riding off, drama addict Pinky Ring runs outside to ask if they can be friends. Make up your mind! Ross blasts Taylor Swift's \"We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together\" from his horse's speaker system and rides away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross returns home and tells Mrs. Pigpen that he's moving to London because everyone in Cornwall sucks. She's like \u003cem>Oh, you haven't seen nothing yet! Demelza's sucky family is here. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Demelza's dad and two of his friends are ready to throw down. They don't care if their teeth get knocked out because they're already black with decay and falling out anyway. And thanks to the Bro Signal they sent up into the sky earlier, more mouth breathers are on their way to murder Ross. Bros hunt in packs, after all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Intense violins play as Demelza's dad and co. head-butt and uppercut Ross all over the place for several minutes. They even stomp on his beautiful head! Not the money-maker! Outside, Mr. Pigpen and the tenants battle a mob of bros. Someone gets kicked in the nuts so hard that there will be no heirs.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Mrs. Pigpen runs to Ross' uncle's house, yelling \"They be killin' Mr. Ross!!\" Pinky Ring wants Backstabber Cousin to go help, but he knows he'll just get a deadly wedgie or get his head flushed so he stays put with a look of fake concern on his face. Uncle says Mrs. Pigpen is exaggerating and slams the door on her, hoping Ross dies for real this time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite all the skull stomping, Ross gets a second wind and beats up Demelza's dad. Ross and the bros eventually come to a truce and Ross celebrates being alive and finally having some alone time by guzzling wine (18th century hotties! They're just like us!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Pinky Ring is kicking back with a good book 'cause that's what people do when the love of their life is in the process of being murdered. She overhears Backstabber Cousin and Uncle talking about the plan to get Ross to move away. You are who you hang out with, Pinky Ring.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the road, Ross meets up with the tenants and Mr. Pigpen, who are on a high after an afternoon of nut-cracking (see tweet above). They vow to always have his back. *adds these dudes to my People Who Don't Deserve to Die list*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Uncle's house, Backstabber Cousin almost dies from being dissed really hard by his own father:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"I don't like it, father.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"You'd like it less if you lost your wife.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Backstabber Cousin:\u003c/strong> \"Assuming I can't keep her myself!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Uncle:\u003c/strong> \"Can you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36370\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"shade gif\" width=\"350\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross finds Demelza roaming the moors and is in the process of bringing her home, when Pinky Ring rides up on a white horse. This leave-me-alone-no-wait-pay-attention-to-me cycle is getting very tired. Pinky Ring declares that she's changed her mind about that whole \u003cem>Move away and leave me alone forever!\u003c/em> thing and now wants Ross to stay in Cornwall. Judging by the look on Demelza's face, I'm not the only one wondering: \"Is she serious?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-36371\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-800x441.png\" alt=\"poldark demelza\" width=\"800\" height=\"441\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-800x441.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-400x220.png 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-768x423.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-1440x793.png 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-1180x650.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM-960x529.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/Screen-Shot-2016-09-11-at-1.00.45-PM.png 1679w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ross promises to stick around so they can keep doing this sexy love-hate thing for at least seven more episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Basically Everyone in Cornwall: \u003c/strong>From evil former classmates to Ross' uncle to Demelza's dad to everyone who showed up for Market Day, it was a team effort to secure the title for Most Deplorable this week.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> Cute, Shy Puppy: \u003c/strong>He's a pacifist and likes to be the little spoon. Also, he's cute and shy. What's not to love?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>The Old Lady with the Tarot Cards:\u003c/strong> She's a pioneer of hipster hobbies so we must pay credit where credit is due.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Daisy: The Prequel: \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>Any ancestor of Daisy's is a friend of mine. Plus, she is chill, likes to talk smack when it's deserved, and seems to generally disdain everyone in Cornwall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>GOLD:\u003c/em> Ross\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>:\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> I mean, was it even a question? He survived the war, survived a brutal beating, survived being surrounded by a-holes, with nary a hair out of place. May his skull never be stomped upon again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a> or read all the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>More recaps:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/20/poldark-season-1-episode-2-recap-guns-and-ships-bang-bang/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"info": "What kind of no sabo word is Hyphenación? For us, it’s about living within a hyphenation. Like being a third-gen Mexican-American from the Texas border now living that Bay Area Chicano life. Like Xorje! Each week we bring together a couple of hyphenated Latinos to talk all about personal life choices: family, careers, relationships, belonging … everything is on the table. ",
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"info": "Our flagship program, helmed by Kai Ryssdal, examines what the day in money delivered, through stories, conversations, newsworthy numbers and more. Updated Monday through Friday at about 3:30 p.m. PT.",
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"info": "The MindShift podcast explores the innovations in education that are shaping how kids learn. Hosts Ki Sung and Katrina Schwartz introduce listeners to educators, researchers, parents and students who are developing effective ways to improve how kids learn. We cover topics like how fed-up administrators are developing surprising tactics to deal with classroom disruptions; how listening to podcasts are helping kids develop reading skills; the consequences of overparenting; and why interdisciplinary learning can engage students on all ends of the traditional achievement spectrum. This podcast is part of the MindShift education site, a division of KQED News. KQED is an NPR/PBS member station based in San Francisco. You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>",
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"info": "For decades, the process for how police police themselves has been inconsistent – if not opaque. In some states, like California, these proceedings were completely hidden. After a new police transparency law unsealed scores of internal affairs files, our reporters set out to examine these cases and the shadow world of police discipline. On Our Watch brings listeners into the rooms where officers are questioned and witnesses are interrogated to find out who this system is really protecting. Is it the officers, or the public they've sworn to serve?",
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"info": "Political Breakdown is a new series that explores the political intersection of California and the nation. Each week hosts Scott Shafer and Marisa Lagos are joined with a new special guest to unpack politics -- with personality — and offer an insider’s glimpse at how politics happens.",
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"possible": {
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"title": "Possible",
"info": "Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.",
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"radiolab": {
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},
"rightnowish": {
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"title": "Rightnowish",
"tagline": "Art is where you find it",
"info": "Rightnowish digs into life in the Bay Area right now… ish. Journalist Pendarvis Harshaw takes us to galleries painted on the sides of liquor stores in West Oakland. We'll dance in warehouses in the Bayview, make smoothies with kids in South Berkeley, and listen to classical music in a 1984 Cutlass Supreme in Richmond. Every week, Pen talks to movers and shakers about how the Bay Area shapes what they create, and how they shape the place we call home.",
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"tagline": "Real stories with killer beats",
"info": "The Snap Judgment radio show and podcast mixes real stories with killer beats to produce cinematic, dramatic radio. Snap's musical brand of storytelling dares listeners to see the world through the eyes of another. This is storytelling... with a BEAT!! Snap first aired on public radio stations nationwide in July 2010. Today, Snap Judgment airs on over 450 public radio stations and is brought to the airwaves by KQED & PRX.",
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"soldout": {
"id": "soldout",
"title": "SOLD OUT: Rethinking Housing in America",
"tagline": "A new future for housing",
"info": "Sold Out: Rethinking Housing in America",
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