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"disqusTitle": "‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You",
"title": "‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>Before we get to this week's episode, I need to share a bit of actual history. This is a real letter Victoria wrote to Lord Melbourne about her wedding night:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>\"It was a gratifying and bewildering experience. I never, never spent such an evening. His excessive love and affection gave me feelings of heavenly love and happiness. He clasped me in his arms and we kissed each other again and again. To lie by his side, and in his arms, and on his dear bosom, and be called by names of tenderness, I have never yet heard used to me before – was bliss beyond belief! We did not sleep much.\"\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Could have saved a lot of space by just writing \"Albert is a great lay.\" Victoria clearly owes Gretchen, the vagina-diagram-drawing prostitute from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">last week,\u003c/a> an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that we're all on the same historical page, let's get to the episode at hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find the newlyweds fooling around in bed. Governess Dictator, who somehow missed the birds and the bees memo, is shocked when she walks in on them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64071\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-11 at 2.33.55 PM\" width=\"1672\" height=\"937\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png 1672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-1020x572.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-1180x661.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-960x538.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-520x291.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1672px) 100vw, 1672px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64079\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg\" alt=\"bandb\" width=\"1678\" height=\"937\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg 1678w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-1020x570.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-520x290.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1678px) 100vw, 1678px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because they're horny 20-year-olds who just found out what their private parts do, Victoria and Albert are turned on by the whole thing and have some more sex in her honor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, all the servants are discussing how much sex the royal couple are having. They all settle on A LOT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The lead butler decides to be gross about it: \"The royal stallion needs time to cover his mare.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64080\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar.gif\" alt=\"Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar\" width=\"363\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No wonder that German maid never read his sexy letters.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the servants receives news of a fever outbreak in some poor neighborhood nearby. In addition to being a terrible erotic fiction writer, Lead Butler is also mad xenophobic: \"I blame the foreigners!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, it's time for Ernst to head back home to Germany, but he decides to stay in England and contract as much syphilis as possible instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64081\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670.gif\" alt=\"a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert make it out of bed, but are still making out in some hallway. Albert kills the mood by alluding to \"when the children come.\" Victoria is like, \u003cem>Ummm, can I live my sex-positive life for one second before you start begging for a male heir to make yourself feel like a real man?\u003c/em> The answer to that question appears to be no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tells Albert to go play, while she handles some government business. He is instantly bored. He tries to play the piano, but it's out of tune! Then, he tries to look at a painting, but it's dusty! Then, he tries to read a book, but that too is dusty! Waaaahhhhh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\" alt=\"anotherbabycrying\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria beckons for him right before his brain overheats from all his brattiness. He finds her at her desk and is like, \u003cem>Ooo, you want me to read these Parliament papers and explain them to you?\u003c/em> Victoria is like, \u003cem>Nope. My itty-bitty lady brain works just fine, thanks. I just need you to stamp them.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64084\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5.gif\" alt=\"4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5\" width=\"245\" height=\"189\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, a bunch of fancy people come over for dinner, but they're all losers compared to a jewelry-wearing Dalmatian named Mr. Bumps, who knows how to curtsy and is probably also very good at yoga:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64092\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg\" alt=\"dalmation\" width=\"1598\" height=\"939\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg 1598w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-160x94.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-800x470.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-768x451.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-1020x599.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-1180x693.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-960x564.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-240x141.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-375x220.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-520x306.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1598px) 100vw, 1598px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Albert is a killjoy who hates anything that doesn't immediately benefit him, he announces that he hates Mr. Bumps and thinks the pup's Victoria pendant is tacky. First, he went on record as hating Dash, and now this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For the past 17 years, we've been asking ourselves, \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkuu0Lwb5EM\">Who let the dogs out?\u003c/a>\" I can now provide an answer. It was me. I let the dogs out, so that they could find a time machine, go back to the 19th century, and do this to Albert:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/attack-dog-will-end-your-children.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64093\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/attack-dog-will-end-your-children.gif\" alt=\"attack-dog-will-end-your-children\" width=\"254\" height=\"248\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Bumps and all the loser humans who are lucky to be in his presence are ready to sit down for dinner. But there's a controversy holding things up! It's customary for Victoria to be escorted through the doorway by one of her uncles. But Victoria wants it to be Albert (because she knows if it isn't, he will throw another tantrum). Victoria's uncle shuts that idea down real quick, leading to more of this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\" alt=\"anotherbabycrying\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom comforts Albert by saying, \u003cem>Don't worry; they'll respect you once you prove that your testicles work by producing a male heir (girl heirs need not apply).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria asks Governess Dictator for birth control tips. Remember: This is the same woman who didn't know people had sex on their wedding night. Her advice: after the deed is done, jump up and down a bunch of times. (Don't try this at home, folks. Victoria had 9 kids.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in poor people news, Babyface Maid tries to reach her frenemy and her baby, but their neighborhood is closed off due to the fever outbreak. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, some dudes ask Victoria if she'll speak at a Slavery Is Bad conference. She's like, \u003cem>I support your cause, but won't say so publicly because I need to protect my brand, like Taylor Swift will do during a pivotal election cycle over a century from now. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alfred decides that he will take time away from his busy schedule of crying over dusty objects and making voodoo dolls of cute dogs to speak at this conference. He wants to earn something of his own, even if that something is just a lanyard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the hot Italian chef offers to help Babyface Maid get to her friend... but he's going to need something from her in return.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/liz-lemon-oh-brother.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/liz-lemon-oh-brother.gif\" alt=\"liz-lemon-oh-brother\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert notices that Ernst is about to give syphilis to Victoria's married friend, so he asks his brother to be a whore somewhere else, preferably Germany. Ernst almost cries, either because he actually cares about a woman for once, or is just experiencing a leaky side-effect from one of his STDs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for another dinner, which means another episode of \u003cem>Who Wants to Be A Millionaire (Doorway Escort)\u003c/em>! Albert is down in the dumps, per usual, because he knows it won't be him. But Victoria has a trick up her sleeve! She managed to convince her Uncle to shut up about the escort custom by granting his non-royal wife a title. Bribery: works every time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert get to walk into the dining room together! Huzzah! Victoria is over the moon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert is not. (Are you surprised?) He wants a victory of his own, you see. Wah wah wah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid thanks Hot Italian Chef for, not only passing along some money to her frenemy, but also relocating her and her baby to a suburb that isn't ridden with disease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface:\u003c/strong> \"I suppose you want something in return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, I do...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cringe-gif-555.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64105\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cringe-gif-555.gif\" alt=\"cringe-gif-555\" width=\"500\" height=\"319\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"...I find myself thinking about you sometimes when I'm at my sugar work, and I find it hard to concentrate because I don't know your name. Your real name, that is. The name you were born with. So, um, that is what I would like.\"\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/holding-back-teas.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"giphy (2)\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy (3)\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64108\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4.gif\" alt=\"anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She tells him her name is Nancy. That night, Hot Italian Chef creates a letter N out of sugar and leaves it on her pillow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/holding-back-teas.gif\" alt=\"holding-back-teas\" width=\"500\" height=\"228\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\" alt=\"Crying-Mariah-Carey\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, it's time for the Slavery Is Bad conference. Albert tries to make small talk with Jonas, an escaped slave from America, by asking if escaping was hard. Jonas is like, \u003cem>Ummm, yeah, but not as much after I outran the bloodhounds and all the white people who wanted to murder me. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside the hall, Victoria rides up and announces, \"I have come incognito!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64061\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-11 at 4.20.19 PM\" width=\"1294\" height=\"933\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM.png 1294w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-160x115.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-800x577.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-768x554.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-1020x735.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-1180x851.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-960x692.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-240x173.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-375x270.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-520x375.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1294px) 100vw, 1294px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone breaks it to her: \u003cem>Girl, we can still see you.\u003c/em> So she goes back home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Albert is having a major anxiety attack 'cause he can't remember how to properly pronounce \"barbarous.\" He walks up to the podium and, instead of opening his mouth to deliver a bunch of stress vomit, he manages to deliver a long, beautiful speech that boils down to: \"Hey, guys! Slavery is really f-ed up and America sucks for loving it so much. Can I get an Amen up in here?\" The congregation says, Amen! and compliments him for not sounding overly German. Yipee!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert rushes home to have celebratory sex with Victoria. Afterwards, Victoria waits for him to pass out so she can do her Plan B Jumping Jacks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg\" alt=\"jump\" width=\"1576\" height=\"939\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg 1576w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-160x95.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-800x477.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-768x458.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-1020x608.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-1180x703.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-960x572.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-240x143.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-375x223.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-520x310.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1576px) 100vw, 1576px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg\" alt=\"so-dumb\" width=\"1485\" height=\"919\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg 1485w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-160x99.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-800x495.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-768x475.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-1020x631.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-1180x730.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-960x594.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-240x149.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-375x232.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-520x322.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1485px) 100vw, 1485px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All the jumping wakes up Albert, who demands to know what Victoria is doing. She tells him she's trying to sabotage his sperm. He breaks it to her that the only way to effectively do that is to not have sex at all. They look into each other's eyes and consider abstinence for a beat, before saying \u003cem>Naaaahhhh\u003c/em> in unison and engaging in unprotected sex for the zillionth time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>I hope that piano never gets tuned and nothing ever gets dusted. That's what you get for hating dogs who have done nothing to you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Convinced Victoria Her \"Disguise\" Made Her Invisible. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>So shady. So funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Mr. Bumps and Dash. \u003c/strong>Spinoff please!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Gretchen. \u003c/strong>She's not technically in this episode, but her sex teachings are. Respect.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Hot Italian Chef.\u003c/strong> It's really awesome when people turn out not to be sexual predators. *throws underwear at him for being a decent human being*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "This episode is 90% newlywed sex, 10% cute dogs.",
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"title": "‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You | KQED",
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"headline": "‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Before we get to this week's episode, I need to share a bit of actual history. This is a real letter Victoria wrote to Lord Melbourne about her wedding night:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>\"It was a gratifying and bewildering experience. I never, never spent such an evening. His excessive love and affection gave me feelings of heavenly love and happiness. He clasped me in his arms and we kissed each other again and again. To lie by his side, and in his arms, and on his dear bosom, and be called by names of tenderness, I have never yet heard used to me before – was bliss beyond belief! We did not sleep much.\"\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Could have saved a lot of space by just writing \"Albert is a great lay.\" Victoria clearly owes Gretchen, the vagina-diagram-drawing prostitute from \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">last week,\u003c/a> an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet or something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that we're all on the same historical page, let's get to the episode at hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find the newlyweds fooling around in bed. Governess Dictator, who somehow missed the birds and the bees memo, is shocked when she walks in on them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64071\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-11 at 2.33.55 PM\" width=\"1672\" height=\"937\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM.png 1672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-160x90.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-800x448.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-768x430.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-1020x572.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-1180x661.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-960x538.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-240x134.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-375x210.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-2.33.55-PM-520x291.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1672px) 100vw, 1672px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64079\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg\" alt=\"bandb\" width=\"1678\" height=\"937\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb.jpg 1678w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-160x89.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-800x447.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-768x429.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-1020x570.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-1180x659.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-960x536.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-240x134.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-375x209.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/bandb-520x290.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1678px) 100vw, 1678px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because they're horny 20-year-olds who just found out what their private parts do, Victoria and Albert are turned on by the whole thing and have some more sex in her honor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, all the servants are discussing how much sex the royal couple are having. They all settle on A LOT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The lead butler decides to be gross about it: \"The royal stallion needs time to cover his mare.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64080\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar.gif\" alt=\"Jim-Carrey-Bruised-and-Grossed-Out-On-Liar-Liar\" width=\"363\" height=\"269\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No wonder that German maid never read his sexy letters.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the servants receives news of a fever outbreak in some poor neighborhood nearby. In addition to being a terrible erotic fiction writer, Lead Butler is also mad xenophobic: \"I blame the foreigners!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, it's time for Ernst to head back home to Germany, but he decides to stay in England and contract as much syphilis as possible instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64081\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670.gif\" alt=\"a7a4f7f3984d73dc7a604d0e2670\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert make it out of bed, but are still making out in some hallway. Albert kills the mood by alluding to \"when the children come.\" Victoria is like, \u003cem>Ummm, can I live my sex-positive life for one second before you start begging for a male heir to make yourself feel like a real man?\u003c/em> The answer to that question appears to be no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tells Albert to go play, while she handles some government business. He is instantly bored. He tries to play the piano, but it's out of tune! Then, he tries to look at a painting, but it's dusty! Then, he tries to read a book, but that too is dusty! Waaaahhhhh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\" alt=\"anotherbabycrying\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria beckons for him right before his brain overheats from all his brattiness. He finds her at her desk and is like, \u003cem>Ooo, you want me to read these Parliament papers and explain them to you?\u003c/em> Victoria is like, \u003cem>Nope. My itty-bitty lady brain works just fine, thanks. I just need you to stamp them.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64084\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5.gif\" alt=\"4bdecd1ad8404a72ae6871ef0ed703b5\" width=\"245\" height=\"189\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, a bunch of fancy people come over for dinner, but they're all losers compared to a jewelry-wearing Dalmatian named Mr. Bumps, who knows how to curtsy and is probably also very good at yoga:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64092\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg\" alt=\"dalmation\" width=\"1598\" height=\"939\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation.jpg 1598w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-160x94.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-800x470.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-768x451.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-1020x599.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-1180x693.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-960x564.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-240x141.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-375x220.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dalmation-520x306.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1598px) 100vw, 1598px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Albert is a killjoy who hates anything that doesn't immediately benefit him, he announces that he hates Mr. Bumps and thinks the pup's Victoria pendant is tacky. First, he went on record as hating Dash, and now this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For the past 17 years, we've been asking ourselves, \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkuu0Lwb5EM\">Who let the dogs out?\u003c/a>\" I can now provide an answer. It was me. I let the dogs out, so that they could find a time machine, go back to the 19th century, and do this to Albert:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/attack-dog-will-end-your-children.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64093\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/attack-dog-will-end-your-children.gif\" alt=\"attack-dog-will-end-your-children\" width=\"254\" height=\"248\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mr. Bumps and all the loser humans who are lucky to be in his presence are ready to sit down for dinner. But there's a controversy holding things up! It's customary for Victoria to be escorted through the doorway by one of her uncles. But Victoria wants it to be Albert (because she knows if it isn't, he will throw another tantrum). Victoria's uncle shuts that idea down real quick, leading to more of this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64082\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anotherbabycrying.gif\" alt=\"anotherbabycrying\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom comforts Albert by saying, \u003cem>Don't worry; they'll respect you once you prove that your testicles work by producing a male heir (girl heirs need not apply).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria asks Governess Dictator for birth control tips. Remember: This is the same woman who didn't know people had sex on their wedding night. Her advice: after the deed is done, jump up and down a bunch of times. (Don't try this at home, folks. Victoria had 9 kids.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in poor people news, Babyface Maid tries to reach her frenemy and her baby, but their neighborhood is closed off due to the fever outbreak. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, some dudes ask Victoria if she'll speak at a Slavery Is Bad conference. She's like, \u003cem>I support your cause, but won't say so publicly because I need to protect my brand, like Taylor Swift will do during a pivotal election cycle over a century from now. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alfred decides that he will take time away from his busy schedule of crying over dusty objects and making voodoo dolls of cute dogs to speak at this conference. He wants to earn something of his own, even if that something is just a lanyard.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the hot Italian chef offers to help Babyface Maid get to her friend... but he's going to need something from her in return.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/liz-lemon-oh-brother.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/liz-lemon-oh-brother.gif\" alt=\"liz-lemon-oh-brother\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert notices that Ernst is about to give syphilis to Victoria's married friend, so he asks his brother to be a whore somewhere else, preferably Germany. Ernst almost cries, either because he actually cares about a woman for once, or is just experiencing a leaky side-effect from one of his STDs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's time for another dinner, which means another episode of \u003cem>Who Wants to Be A Millionaire (Doorway Escort)\u003c/em>! Albert is down in the dumps, per usual, because he knows it won't be him. But Victoria has a trick up her sleeve! She managed to convince her Uncle to shut up about the escort custom by granting his non-royal wife a title. Bribery: works every time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert get to walk into the dining room together! Huzzah! Victoria is over the moon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert is not. (Are you surprised?) He wants a victory of his own, you see. Wah wah wah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n2rj7qvt2K1qf9mevo1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid thanks Hot Italian Chef for, not only passing along some money to her frenemy, but also relocating her and her baby to a suburb that isn't ridden with disease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface:\u003c/strong> \"I suppose you want something in return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, I do...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cringe-gif-555.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64105\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cringe-gif-555.gif\" alt=\"cringe-gif-555\" width=\"500\" height=\"319\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"...I find myself thinking about you sometimes when I'm at my sugar work, and I find it hard to concentrate because I don't know your name. Your real name, that is. The name you were born with. So, um, that is what I would like.\"\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/holding-back-teas.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"giphy (2)\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy (3)\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64108\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4.gif\" alt=\"anigif_original-grid-image-11920-1428005945-4\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She tells him her name is Nancy. That night, Hot Italian Chef creates a letter N out of sugar and leaves it on her pillow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/holding-back-teas.gif\" alt=\"holding-back-teas\" width=\"500\" height=\"228\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\" alt=\"Crying-Mariah-Carey\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, it's time for the Slavery Is Bad conference. Albert tries to make small talk with Jonas, an escaped slave from America, by asking if escaping was hard. Jonas is like, \u003cem>Ummm, yeah, but not as much after I outran the bloodhounds and all the white people who wanted to murder me. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside the hall, Victoria rides up and announces, \"I have come incognito!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64061\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-11 at 4.20.19 PM\" width=\"1294\" height=\"933\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM.png 1294w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-160x115.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-800x577.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-768x554.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-1020x735.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-1180x851.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-960x692.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-240x173.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-375x270.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-11-at-4.20.19-PM-520x375.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1294px) 100vw, 1294px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone breaks it to her: \u003cem>Girl, we can still see you.\u003c/em> So she goes back home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Albert is having a major anxiety attack 'cause he can't remember how to properly pronounce \"barbarous.\" He walks up to the podium and, instead of opening his mouth to deliver a bunch of stress vomit, he manages to deliver a long, beautiful speech that boils down to: \"Hey, guys! Slavery is really f-ed up and America sucks for loving it so much. Can I get an Amen up in here?\" The congregation says, Amen! and compliments him for not sounding overly German. Yipee!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert rushes home to have celebratory sex with Victoria. Afterwards, Victoria waits for him to pass out so she can do her Plan B Jumping Jacks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg\" alt=\"jump\" width=\"1576\" height=\"939\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump.jpg 1576w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-160x95.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-800x477.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-768x458.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-1020x608.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-1180x703.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-960x572.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-240x143.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-375x223.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/jump-520x310.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1576px) 100vw, 1576px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-64113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg\" alt=\"so-dumb\" width=\"1485\" height=\"919\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb.jpg 1485w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-160x99.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-800x495.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-768x475.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-1020x631.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-1180x730.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-960x594.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-240x149.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-375x232.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/so-dumb-520x322.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1485px) 100vw, 1485px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All the jumping wakes up Albert, who demands to know what Victoria is doing. She tells him she's trying to sabotage his sperm. He breaks it to her that the only way to effectively do that is to not have sex at all. They look into each other's eyes and consider abstinence for a beat, before saying \u003cem>Naaaahhhh\u003c/em> in unison and engaging in unprotected sex for the zillionth time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>I hope that piano never gets tuned and nothing ever gets dusted. That's what you get for hating dogs who have done nothing to you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>\u003cstrong>Whoever Convinced Victoria Her \"Disguise\" Made Her Invisible. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>So shady. So funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Mr. Bumps and Dash. \u003c/strong>Spinoff please!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Gretchen. \u003c/strong>She's not technically in this episode, but her sex teachings are. Respect.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Hot Italian Chef.\u003c/strong> It's really awesome when people turn out not to be sexual predators. *throws underwear at him for being a decent human being*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues",
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"content": "\u003cp>Our episode begins with Victoria and Albert being awkward virgins. Albert's brother, Ernst, who's had sex approximately one billion times with prostitutes all across Europe, can't stand to watch. There's no elegant way to tell two people that they're being excruciating, so Ernst settles on: \u003cem>Oh, look, some shrubs!\u003c/em> and walks off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Left to their own devices, Albert and Victoria decide to go make out behind a random dirty sheet. Three milliseconds into their tongue-wrestling match, Victoria is overcome with tingly feelings\u003ci>.\u003c/i> \"Albert, we must get married as soon as possible!\" Translation:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vldh7oQD-a4\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert also wants her sex, but must go back home to Germany to pack all his mustache scissors first. He tells her he's bummed that he's the one who has to leave his home country (usually it's the woman). \u003cem>You're a girl! Why can't you be the inconvenienced one??\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of blasting a riot grrl anthem in his face, Victoria responds with a \u003cem>I wish I could be an ordinary subjugated wife for you, but, ugh, I have to be one of the only women alive who have it pretty good in this era. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/unfair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62674\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/unfair.gif\" alt=\"unfair\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before he jets, Albert is like, \u003cem>Oh, yeah, one more thing, I want a weekly allowance. \u003c/em>Victoria is like, \u003cem>What's money? Also, \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhfpBW-nUWk\">what is a weekend?\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert sits through a seminar by his Uncle Leopold, titled \u003cem>How to Remind Your New Wife That Her Brain Is Smaller Than Yours and That You Will Do All The Thinking For Her Henceforth. \u003c/em>The syllabus is basically this:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Boys rule.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Girls drool.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Having mistresses is cool.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, it's time for the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers to force recycled \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> servant storylines down our throats. This time, there's a candle-selling crime ring for us not to care about. Also, a young male ingenue announces he wants to study and better himself, just like \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>’s Daisy. Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\" alt=\"nene been there done that\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds Lord M so he can explain what money is. He clues her in, and also spills that her Uncle Leopold still regularly receives £50,000 from his super-dead wife, all of which he uses to house his actress mistress. The ever-naive Victoria is like, \u003cem>Having sex with people you aren't married to?! That's a thing?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>List of Things Victoria Just Found Out About:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Infidelity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Stamps\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Poor People\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Money\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Leonardo da Vinci\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Coming soon:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>What Penises Look Like\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>What Penises Do\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Where Babies Come From\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>On the front steps of Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Albert say goodbye. It goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, my beloved! How will I live a single minute without you getting mad at me for something really small and dumb? You complete me. And yeah, I'm the first one to ever say that because \u003c/em>Jerry McGuire\u003cem> won't be released for another 156 years.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You have six weeks to get me my money. Oh, and I want a fancy title too. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before he walks off, he puts his mouth really close to her neck and whispers the following like he's starring in a G-rated, 19th century version of \u003cem>Fifty Shades of Grey:\u003c/em> \"Imagine I'm kissing you here on your neck, and how often I want to kiss you when I return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62820\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\" alt=\"7383897\" width=\"275\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria meets with the Privy Council to announce her intention to marry Albert. It's a chance for a bunch of old white dudes to decide whether they're cool with her right to choose what she does with her life and body. They are nowhere near cool with it. Is this 1840 England or 2017 America? Who can tell?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Members of the Privy Council start a rumor that Albert isn't even Protestant! And thus, the birther movement of the Victorian era is born.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria storms out and demands that Lord M convince Parliament to just make Albert King Consort. Lord M warns that, if people get in the habit of making kings willy-nilly, they might realize that monarchy is a joke and that the billions in taxpayers' money spent on once-used gloves could go to something else. Victoria quickly responds: \u003cem>No title for Albert then. Anyway!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Germany, Albert's dad is very jazzed about all the money this marriage is sure to send his way. He's going to fix the leaky roof! He's going to buy his mistress the latest Victoria's Secret fashions! Schnitzel and bratwurst for all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Parliament is like, \u003cem>Not so fast!\u003c/em> They decide Albert will get half of what Uncle Leopold got. And definitely no title.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria is still processing the news of Uncle Leopold's actress mistress. The way \"actress\" is said makes the word seem like a stand-in for \"ginormous whore.\" But Victoria is relieved that her uncle is the only man who would ever be so depraved as to have a mistress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"At least I know Albert doesn't have any secrets.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong> \"Well, that usually comes later, ma'am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62775\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500\" width=\"400\" height=\"293\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria insists that Albert is not that kind of guy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M lets her keep thinking that:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"sure jan gif\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Germany, Albert whines in a sauna about pretty much everything. For you \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> fans out there, who might be missing Masterpiece-approved manly chests, here's an underwhelming treat to tide you over until \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">Ross gets back to scything\u003c/a>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62776\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 2.08.22 PM\" width=\"1055\" height=\"523\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png 1055w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-160x79.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-800x397.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-768x381.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-1020x506.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-960x476.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-240x119.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-375x186.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-520x258.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1055px) 100vw, 1055px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert eventually puts his clothes back on and pens a letter to Victoria, which consists of the lyrics from Rihanna's \"Bitch Better Have My Money.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria freaks out every time someone brings up the fact that she's totally going to get cheated on. She distracts herself with wedding planning. She decides her dress will be white, instead of the customary gold brocade. All her friends give each other stank \u003cem>Ewww, she's so tacky!\u003c/em> looks behind her back, especially this friend:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62784\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 2.26.31 PM\" width=\"1000\" height=\"535\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png 1000w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-800x428.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-768x411.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-960x514.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-240x128.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-375x201.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-520x278.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Germany, Ernst surprises Albert by taking him to a brothel. Albert is not in the mood.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst explains,\u003cem> Dude, I just want you to be good at sex!\u003c/em> \"Our dear little cousin will thank you for it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"awww\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Ernst is off engaging in a casual orgy, Albert nervously makes out with a woman named Gretchen. She tries to get to second base and Albert interrupts: \u003cem>Um, instead of grabbing Lil Al, can you grab a notepad and a pen instead? I want you to draw a diagram of a vagina and write down what I'm supposed to do to it. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gretchen, being the humanitarian that she is, recites Monica's \"Seven Erogenous Zones\" monologue from\u003cem> Friends:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdK6LVDI3kg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, having just found out that her dad was a cheating bastard like every other man she's ever met, Victoria tries to get her mother to reassure her that Albert isn't already messing around with the Gretchens of the world. Victoria's mom cannot tell a lie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Albert? No. Not yet anyway...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/CherylLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/CherylLaugh.gif\" alt=\"CherylLaugh\" width=\"294\" height=\"165\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Albert returns to town. Victoria immediately holds a title ceremony to avoid any more of his emo whining. He shall be a Knight of the Garter. Sounds cool! But not cool enough for Albert, King of the Mopey Mopers. He wants a seat in the House of Lords, like Lord M! And more money! And... waaaaahhhhh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A live feed of Albert:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cry-baby.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cry-baby.gif\" alt=\"cry baby\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also this:\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to calmly tell Albert he needs a nice, long nap:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59NWIOvPqZE\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But he keeps on Veruca Salt-ing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca.gif\" alt=\"veruca\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Victoria pulls a true boss move and announces to the entire room that Albert is tired and will be taking a nap now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dunst-bye.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62806\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dunst-bye.gif\" alt=\"dunst bye\" width=\"500\" height=\"274\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria finds comfort in spooning Dash. She should've listened to him, when he was barking up warnings during \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">the last episode\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62807\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg\" alt=\"dash\" width=\"1014\" height=\"523\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-800x413.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-960x495.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-375x193.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-520x268.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1014px) 100vw, 1014px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria has had enough. She runs all around the property to find Albert and have it out. When she finds him, he POINTS A SABER AT HER THROAT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62808\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 4.44.38 PM\" width=\"892\" height=\"543\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png 892w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-800x487.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-768x468.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-240x146.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-375x228.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-520x317.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 892px) 100vw, 892px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62809\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 4.42.00 PM\" width=\"1060\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png 1060w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-160x79.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-800x397.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-768x381.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-1020x506.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-960x476.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-240x119.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-375x186.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-520x258.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1060px) 100vw, 1060px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62810\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, she doesn't slap the crap out of him. Instead, she promises that, even though she's a Queen, she'll make sure to always obey him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/xk.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62811\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/xk.gif\" alt=\"xk\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, back at home, the lead butler is in love with a visiting German maid. He sent her all kinds of sexy emails over the past year, but she never got any of them! Spam folders: ruining lives since 1840.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time passes. It's time for Victoria's wedding! She decides that she wants a \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normcore\">normcore\u003c/a> ceremony (no diamonds, only boob flowers).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Albert's vows:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"With this ring, I thee wed...\" (Sounds very familiar. He totally copied Michelle Obama's wedding vows!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"With my body, I thee worship...\" (Thanks to Gretchen's diagram, I bet he will!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.\" (LOL, he doesn't have any -- he's not even a Lord -- but that's a nice thought.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert then says \"Amen,\" as if he's saying \"I'mma put a baby in you sometime within the next 15 minutes.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the ceremony, Victoria finds Lord M to essentially serenade him with a farewell rendition of \"I Will Always Love You.\" They briefly kiss on the cheek, and Lord M watches Victoria skip on her way to lose her virginity. Lord M goes home to binge-read some trashy novels and then die of old age.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is undressed and ready for action. Albert comes into the bedroom, Gretchen's vagina diagram seared into his brain. They lock eyes and think, \u003cem>Let's do this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>The embodiment of First World Problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Uncle Leopold's Actress Mistress. \u003c/strong>All publicity is good publicity, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Dash. \u003c/strong>He's a loyal spooner, always right, and super duper cute. Bless him and his little broken paw.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Incest.\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> Inter-family relations continue dominating royal family trees. You get a club foot! And you get a club foot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Gretchen. \u003c/strong>So wise. So charitable. Canonize her already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Victoria and Albert prep for marriage by constantly fighting over money and mistresses, as married folk do.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Our episode begins with Victoria and Albert being awkward virgins. Albert's brother, Ernst, who's had sex approximately one billion times with prostitutes all across Europe, can't stand to watch. There's no elegant way to tell two people that they're being excruciating, so Ernst settles on: \u003cem>Oh, look, some shrubs!\u003c/em> and walks off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Left to their own devices, Albert and Victoria decide to go make out behind a random dirty sheet. Three milliseconds into their tongue-wrestling match, Victoria is overcome with tingly feelings\u003ci>.\u003c/i> \"Albert, we must get married as soon as possible!\" Translation:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/vldh7oQD-a4'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/vldh7oQD-a4'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Albert also wants her sex, but must go back home to Germany to pack all his mustache scissors first. He tells her he's bummed that he's the one who has to leave his home country (usually it's the woman). \u003cem>You're a girl! Why can't you be the inconvenienced one??\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of blasting a riot grrl anthem in his face, Victoria responds with a \u003cem>I wish I could be an ordinary subjugated wife for you, but, ugh, I have to be one of the only women alive who have it pretty good in this era. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/unfair.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62674\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/unfair.gif\" alt=\"unfair\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before he jets, Albert is like, \u003cem>Oh, yeah, one more thing, I want a weekly allowance. \u003c/em>Victoria is like, \u003cem>What's money? Also, \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhfpBW-nUWk\">what is a weekend?\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert sits through a seminar by his Uncle Leopold, titled \u003cem>How to Remind Your New Wife That Her Brain Is Smaller Than Yours and That You Will Do All The Thinking For Her Henceforth. \u003c/em>The syllabus is basically this:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Boys rule.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Girls drool.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Having mistresses is cool.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, it's time for the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers to force recycled \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> servant storylines down our throats. This time, there's a candle-selling crime ring for us not to care about. Also, a young male ingenue announces he wants to study and better himself, just like \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>’s Daisy. Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\" alt=\"nene been there done that\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds Lord M so he can explain what money is. He clues her in, and also spills that her Uncle Leopold still regularly receives £50,000 from his super-dead wife, all of which he uses to house his actress mistress. The ever-naive Victoria is like, \u003cem>Having sex with people you aren't married to?! That's a thing?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>List of Things Victoria Just Found Out About:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Infidelity\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Stamps\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Poor People\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Money\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Leonardo da Vinci\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Coming soon:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>What Penises Look Like\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>What Penises Do\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Where Babies Come From\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>On the front steps of Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Albert say goodbye. It goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, my beloved! How will I live a single minute without you getting mad at me for something really small and dumb? You complete me. And yeah, I'm the first one to ever say that because \u003c/em>Jerry McGuire\u003cem> won't be released for another 156 years.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You have six weeks to get me my money. Oh, and I want a fancy title too. Later!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before he walks off, he puts his mouth really close to her neck and whispers the following like he's starring in a G-rated, 19th century version of \u003cem>Fifty Shades of Grey:\u003c/em> \"Imagine I'm kissing you here on your neck, and how often I want to kiss you when I return.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62820\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/7383897.gif\" alt=\"7383897\" width=\"275\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria meets with the Privy Council to announce her intention to marry Albert. It's a chance for a bunch of old white dudes to decide whether they're cool with her right to choose what she does with her life and body. They are nowhere near cool with it. Is this 1840 England or 2017 America? Who can tell?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Members of the Privy Council start a rumor that Albert isn't even Protestant! And thus, the birther movement of the Victorian era is born.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria storms out and demands that Lord M convince Parliament to just make Albert King Consort. Lord M warns that, if people get in the habit of making kings willy-nilly, they might realize that monarchy is a joke and that the billions in taxpayers' money spent on once-used gloves could go to something else. Victoria quickly responds: \u003cem>No title for Albert then. Anyway!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Germany, Albert's dad is very jazzed about all the money this marriage is sure to send his way. He's going to fix the leaky roof! He's going to buy his mistress the latest Victoria's Secret fashions! Schnitzel and bratwurst for all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in England, Parliament is like, \u003cem>Not so fast!\u003c/em> They decide Albert will get half of what Uncle Leopold got. And definitely no title.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria is still processing the news of Uncle Leopold's actress mistress. The way \"actress\" is said makes the word seem like a stand-in for \"ginormous whore.\" But Victoria is relieved that her uncle is the only man who would ever be so depraved as to have a mistress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"At least I know Albert doesn't have any secrets.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong> \"Well, that usually comes later, ma'am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62775\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_ohrigxXipG1us875a_500\" width=\"400\" height=\"293\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria insists that Albert is not that kind of guy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M lets her keep thinking that:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-27656\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/06/giphy.gif\" alt=\"sure jan gif\" width=\"450\" height=\"254\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Germany, Albert whines in a sauna about pretty much everything. For you \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> fans out there, who might be missing Masterpiece-approved manly chests, here's an underwhelming treat to tide you over until \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/21/poldark-season-1-episode-3-recap-oops-there-goes-my-shirt/\">Ross gets back to scything\u003c/a>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62776\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 2.08.22 PM\" width=\"1055\" height=\"523\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM.png 1055w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-160x79.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-800x397.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-768x381.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-1020x506.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-960x476.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-240x119.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-375x186.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.08.22-PM-520x258.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1055px) 100vw, 1055px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert eventually puts his clothes back on and pens a letter to Victoria, which consists of the lyrics from Rihanna's \"Bitch Better Have My Money.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria freaks out every time someone brings up the fact that she's totally going to get cheated on. She distracts herself with wedding planning. She decides her dress will be white, instead of the customary gold brocade. All her friends give each other stank \u003cem>Ewww, she's so tacky!\u003c/em> looks behind her back, especially this friend:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62784\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 2.26.31 PM\" width=\"1000\" height=\"535\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM.png 1000w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-800x428.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-768x411.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-960x514.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-240x128.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-375x201.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-2.26.31-PM-520x278.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Germany, Ernst surprises Albert by taking him to a brothel. Albert is not in the mood.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst explains,\u003cem> Dude, I just want you to be good at sex!\u003c/em> \"Our dear little cousin will thank you for it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"awww\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Ernst is off engaging in a casual orgy, Albert nervously makes out with a woman named Gretchen. She tries to get to second base and Albert interrupts: \u003cem>Um, instead of grabbing Lil Al, can you grab a notepad and a pen instead? I want you to draw a diagram of a vagina and write down what I'm supposed to do to it. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gretchen, being the humanitarian that she is, recites Monica's \"Seven Erogenous Zones\" monologue from\u003cem> Friends:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/mdK6LVDI3kg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/mdK6LVDI3kg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Meanwhile, having just found out that her dad was a cheating bastard like every other man she's ever met, Victoria tries to get her mother to reassure her that Albert isn't already messing around with the Gretchens of the world. Victoria's mom cannot tell a lie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Albert? No. Not yet anyway...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/CherylLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/CherylLaugh.gif\" alt=\"CherylLaugh\" width=\"294\" height=\"165\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Albert returns to town. Victoria immediately holds a title ceremony to avoid any more of his emo whining. He shall be a Knight of the Garter. Sounds cool! But not cool enough for Albert, King of the Mopey Mopers. He wants a seat in the House of Lords, like Lord M! And more money! And... waaaaahhhhh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A live feed of Albert:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cry-baby.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/cry-baby.gif\" alt=\"cry baby\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Also this:\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\" alt=\"veruca-salt\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to calmly tell Albert he needs a nice, long nap:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/59NWIOvPqZE'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/59NWIOvPqZE'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>But he keeps on Veruca Salt-ing:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca.gif\" alt=\"veruca\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Victoria pulls a true boss move and announces to the entire room that Albert is tired and will be taking a nap now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dunst-bye.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62806\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dunst-bye.gif\" alt=\"dunst bye\" width=\"500\" height=\"274\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria finds comfort in spooning Dash. She should've listened to him, when he was barking up warnings during \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">the last episode\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62807\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg\" alt=\"dash\" width=\"1014\" height=\"523\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-160x83.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-800x413.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-768x396.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-960x495.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-240x124.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-375x193.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/dash-520x268.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1014px) 100vw, 1014px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria has had enough. She runs all around the property to find Albert and have it out. When she finds him, he POINTS A SABER AT HER THROAT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62808\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 4.44.38 PM\" width=\"892\" height=\"543\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM.png 892w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-800x487.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-768x468.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-240x146.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-375x228.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.44.38-PM-520x317.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 892px) 100vw, 892px\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62809\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 4.42.00 PM\" width=\"1060\" height=\"526\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM.png 1060w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-160x79.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-800x397.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-768x381.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-1020x506.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-960x476.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-240x119.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-375x186.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/Screen-Shot-2017-02-05-at-4.42.00-PM-520x258.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1060px) 100vw, 1060px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62810\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m3hglv7vpv1qe0bpro1_400-ohhellno-slap_zps40973299\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, she doesn't slap the crap out of him. Instead, she promises that, even though she's a Queen, she'll make sure to always obey him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/xk.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62811\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/xk.gif\" alt=\"xk\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, back at home, the lead butler is in love with a visiting German maid. He sent her all kinds of sexy emails over the past year, but she never got any of them! Spam folders: ruining lives since 1840.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time passes. It's time for Victoria's wedding! She decides that she wants a \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normcore\">normcore\u003c/a> ceremony (no diamonds, only boob flowers).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>Albert's vows:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"With this ring, I thee wed...\" (Sounds very familiar. He totally copied Michelle Obama's wedding vows!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"With my body, I thee worship...\" (Thanks to Gretchen's diagram, I bet he will!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.\" (LOL, he doesn't have any -- he's not even a Lord -- but that's a nice thought.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert then says \"Amen,\" as if he's saying \"I'mma put a baby in you sometime within the next 15 minutes.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the ceremony, Victoria finds Lord M to essentially serenade him with a farewell rendition of \"I Will Always Love You.\" They briefly kiss on the cheek, and Lord M watches Victoria skip on her way to lose her virginity. Lord M goes home to binge-read some trashy novels and then die of old age.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is undressed and ready for action. Albert comes into the bedroom, Gretchen's vagina diagram seared into his brain. They lock eyes and think, \u003cem>Let's do this.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>The embodiment of First World Problems.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Uncle Leopold's Actress Mistress. \u003c/strong>All publicity is good publicity, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Dash. \u003c/strong>He's a loyal spooner, always right, and super duper cute. Bless him and his little broken paw.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Incest.\u003c/strong>\u003c/strong> Inter-family relations continue dominating royal family trees. You get a club foot! And you get a club foot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Gretchen. \u003c/strong>So wise. So charitable. Canonize her already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You're So Vain",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You're So Vain",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>Our episode starts where \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">the last\u003c/a> left off. Albert rudely interrupts Victoria's concerto, when he could have very easily cooled his jets and waited for her to finish doing her thing. Victoria's cute dog, Dash, is like, \u003cem>Did he just? Oh, hell naw!\u003c/em> He runs up to Albert and lets him have it. Unfortunately, none of the humans are fluent in Canine. Here's a translation of Dash's barking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIzVCwhHcWc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert follows this faux pas with another. In a textbook \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging\">negging\u003c/a> move, he tells Victoria she made \"fewer mistakes\" than the last time he heard her play. We're supposed to like this dude? No thanks. #ImWithDash\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/large.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/large.gif\" alt=\"scrub tlc left eye\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom is like, \u003cem>Look, Victoria, aren't Albert and your other first cousin sooo hot?!\u003c/em> As if the incest isn't gross enough, she refers to them as \"specimens.\" Victoria and I agree that this entire display is gross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ew-taylor-swift.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ew-taylor-swift.gif\" alt=\"ew taylor swift\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert wants to make plans to hang out and check out her art collection, especially the paintings by Leonardo da Vinci. Victoria responds with a \u003cem>Who dat?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lrzsuad72G1qebmn2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61173\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lrzsuad72G1qebmn2.gif\" alt=\"rihanna you look so dumb gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria gets out of spending time with Albert by explaining that she's going to be too busy going over war reports from Afghanistan, the 19th century version of \"I have to wash my hair.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61174\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\" alt=\"ooh burn emma stone\" width=\"498\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Albert and his brother, Ernst, debrief on the interaction. Ernst thinks Albert should be less of a d-ck in the future. Good idea!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert threatens to go home because she didn't immediately fall to his feet when he insulted her piano skills. He also whines about how, even if things worked out, he would be married to a woman who was more successful than him. This is like that \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeVfLOqtPR8\">elevator scene\u003c/a> from \u003cem>The Shining\u003c/em>, only instead of blood gushing out, it's a sea of red flags.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate bedroom, Victoria and her servants dish on Albert. They decide he's hot, but rude, and suffering from a bad case of Resting Bitch Face™.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, some dude is trying to explain the concept of a stamp to Victoria. She finds the whole thing preposterous and hilarious: \"So everybody who wants to send a letter will have to lick my face?!\" Albert resting-bitch-faces in a corner and reprimands her for laughing at such a brilliant invention. Yep, that's right; they're not even married yet and already fighting... over stamps!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/bethenny-get-out.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61184\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/bethenny-get-out.gif\" alt=\"bethenny get out\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria goes out on a balcony with Lord M and primal screams. Lord M is like, \u003cem>OMG, don't worry! The war reports from Afghanistan look really promising!\u003c/em> Victoria is like, \u003cem>Huh? How can you care about world affairs at a time like this? A boy was mean to me!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's that time again, when the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers try to interest us in a servant B-plot again. Babyface Maid meets some woman in an alley, who threatens to tell everyone that Babyface used a fake identity to get the Buckingham Palace job, unless she pays up. I feel like this exact thing happened on \u003cem>Downton Abbey. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\" alt=\"nene been there done that\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert and Ernst head into town, where they are introduced to daguerreotypes. Almost as cool as stamps! Albert notices fancy ladies being rude to beggar children. One of these kids is the main character from Hans Christian Andersen's \"The Little Match Girl.\" Albert instructs a servant to give her a few coins. Ugh, now I'm stuck thinking about how sad that story is (\u003cem>Cliffs Notes version:\u003c/em> people are trash and don't buy a poor girl's matches, so she hallucinates before freezing to death in a gutter).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61187\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-crying.gif\" alt=\"oprah crying\" width=\"440\" height=\"336\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anywaaaay, that night at dinner, Albert glares at Dash the Dog, while Ernst tells Victoria how much fun they had at the National Gallery. She asks if they checked out \u003ca href=\"http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y189/royal_forum/Queen-Victoria-India.jpg\">Hayter's portrait of her\u003c/a> (it's her fave). Albert is like, \u003cem>Definitely did not! I hate modern art! Old Masters for life! Especially Rubens!\u003c/em> Victoria replies that she detests Rubens and \"all that \u003ca href=\"https://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/rubens/bacchus.jpg\">wobbling flesh\u003c/a>.\" Longest, worst first date ever!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After dinner, Albert walks in on Victoria and her friends playing cards, and declares that he hates card games. Cool story, bro. Nobody asked you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst decides the only way to salvage this mess is with a Schubert duet (naturally). Victoria and Albert take out their sexual frustration on the keys and manage to make beautiful music together. The song ends and they share a nice quiet moment... until Albert tells Victoria she has small hands. Like Donald Trump, Victoria doesn't appreciate this being pointed out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, things get worse:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You play very well, cousin, but I believe you do not practice enough. It's necessary to play for at least one hour each day.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"But a queen does not have time for scales every day.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Only for card games.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61563\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq.gif\" alt=\"44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria agrees to continue hanging out with Albert for some reason. She racks her brain for a safe topic that won't lead to more insults. A-ha! Gardens! Surely he can't find a way to turn that subject into something hateful, right? Yeah, no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Do you like gardens, Albert?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I prefer forests.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61565\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250\" width=\"200\" height=\"217\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61564\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"257\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Babyface Maid steals a diamond hair pin. She puts it back a few minutes later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7HJH0IH3dc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria throws a house party in Albert's honor, even though he doesn't deserve much more than a kick in the teeth and a permanent exile. Albert sulks in a corner (because he's the worst) until he sees Lord M ask Victoria to dance. Like a grumpy toddler who hasn't had a nap all day, Albert walks up to Lord M and wails, \u003cem>Mine!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like most toddlers, he gets his way and do-si-dos with Victoria. Soon, he gets distracted by a flower Victoria has placed in the middle of her boobs. He inhales her cleavage, looks at her lustily, and says... that it reminds him of his mom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/michelle-obama-ew-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61566\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/michelle-obama-ew-gif.gif\" alt=\"michelle-obama-ew-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He takes out a knife, sensually slices his shirt open, and places the flower near his nipple. Victoria looks on like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/o-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61577\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/o-face.gif\" alt=\"o-face\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It looks like they're about to get into some \u003ca href=\"http://www.eonline.com/news/590687/billy-bob-thornton-explains-why-angelina-jolie-wanted-to-wear-a-vial-of-his-blood-around-her-neck\">Billy Bob and Angelina sexy blood vial stuff\u003c/a>, but they stop short. I guess that's in next week's episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M tries to update Victoria on Afghanistan. Victoria does not give a single you-know-what.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/635916936701388154-801535178_care.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61574\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/635916936701388154-801535178_care.gif\" alt=\"635916936701388154-801535178_care\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's too giddy about taking a road trip to Windsor to care about foreign affairs. Maybe if she shows Albert a forest, he'll stop being so mean! (Fat chance.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Windsor, Albert is grumpy because he doesn't like his dinner outfit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/god-i-hate-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61575\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/god-i-hate-you.gif\" alt=\"god i hate you\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tells Lord M about how she just binge-read the coolest book: Charles Dickens' \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em>. Lord M says that his Netflix queue is already super long so he doesn't have time to read about grave robbers and pickpockets. Albert, Patron Saint of Contrarians, comes out of the shadows to declare that he loves \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em> and grave robbers and pickpockets!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/asu.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61576\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/asu.gif\" alt=\"asu\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria finally figures out how to get Albert in the mood: show him an old oak tree! It works. He tells her he hates her hat and tells her to take it off. He considers kissing her, before deciding nah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to rescue the moment by asking about what happened to his dead mom (not exactly something you'd find in a Dirty Talk 101 course manual). Apparently, his mom left his dad when Albert was five and then died sometime later. I mean, if Albert was my son, I would also run away and die, so I get it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Off in the distance, Dash can be heard squealing in pain. Oh, hell no. If Dash dies, I will seriously stop recapping this show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-cant.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61578\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-cant.gif\" alt=\"i cant\" width=\"282\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dash broke his leg! Albert rips part of his shirt off to make a puppy paw tourniquet. Awww! Two points for Hufflepuff! But, moments later, Albert throws a jealous hissy fit over Lord M and tells Victoria she should just marry him because she seems to love to surround herself with sycophants. Minus those same two points from Hufflepuff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"How dare you! May I remind you that, while you were looking at paintings in Italy, I was ruling this country! I don't need you to tell me what to think, Albert.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"No. That's Lord Melbourne's job.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SLAP HIM! KILL HIM! DO IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61579\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640\" width=\"481\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She doesn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/disappointed-jennifer-lopez.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/disappointed-jennifer-lopez.gif\" alt=\"disappointed jennifer lopez\" width=\"371\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Babyface gives some lace collars to Random Blackmailing Lady because she needs to feed her baby or something. I still don't care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because of the bicker-fest in the forest, the Windsor slumber party is called off and everyone returns to Buckingham Palace. Victoria complains to Lord M that Albert is super jealous of him. Due to his constant barrage of critiques, she starts to believe that there's something wrong with \u003cem>her\u003c/em>, not him: \"Albert always looks at me as if I've done something wrong. I'd like him to smile at me.\" Wake up, girl! He's negging you! It's a classic pickup artist move! Don't fall for it! (She's totally gonna.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M takes Albert aside and says, \u003cem>Look, I'm old and going to retire as Victoria's Prime Minister soon, so stop being such a jealous little sh-t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria gets all gussied up, puts boob flowers in her hair and all over the mantlepiece and calls for Albert. He's like, \u003cem>Oooo! Boob flowers! You know how much thinking about my dead mom turns me on!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She discards all my sage dating advice and proposes marriage to him. (Note: he's still very much her first cousin.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\" alt=\"tina fey eyeroll gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He responds, \u003cem>Of course! Sorry for being the worst! Let's make out!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, no. His real response: \"That depends.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/jennifer-lawrence-middle-finger.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61580\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/jennifer-lawrence-middle-finger.gif\" alt=\"jennifer lawrence middle finger\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Minus all the points from Hufflepuff. What is this dweeb's damage???\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He eventually agrees to marry her and they giggle about how it will be \"a marriage of inconvenience\" because of how mentally abusive he is. Ha ha ha, so funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\" alt=\"whitney fake laugh gif\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>A high school World History textbook already spoiled this marriage for me, but I'm still hoping Dash interrupts the wedding during the \"Speak now or forever hold your peace\" part and, in a twist of revisionist history, saves Victoria from a lifetime of passive-aggressive mind games. I also hope that Dash gives Albert rabies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Afghanistan. \u003c/strong>Victoria doesn't give a crap about you, but Lord M and I do!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Little Match Girl. \u003c/strong>I would say it gets better, but it doesn't. 🙁\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Lord M. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>The walking and talking embodiment of \"I'm too old for this sh-t.\" He deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for not slapping these people to death on the daily.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Dash. \u003c/strong>This adorable pup knew Albert was bad news from the start. The only one who continuously keeps it real. MVP and all-around dreamboat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "You know when your friend starts to date a jerk and you just have to keep quiet and watch it unfold. Yeah, that's what this week's episode is. ",
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"description": "You know when your friend starts to date a jerk and you just have to keep quiet and watch it unfold. Yeah, that's what this week's episode is. ",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You're So Vain | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Our episode starts where \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">the last\u003c/a> left off. Albert rudely interrupts Victoria's concerto, when he could have very easily cooled his jets and waited for her to finish doing her thing. Victoria's cute dog, Dash, is like, \u003cem>Did he just? Oh, hell naw!\u003c/em> He runs up to Albert and lets him have it. Unfortunately, none of the humans are fluent in Canine. Here's a translation of Dash's barking:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/fIzVCwhHcWc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/fIzVCwhHcWc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Albert follows this faux pas with another. In a textbook \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging\">negging\u003c/a> move, he tells Victoria she made \"fewer mistakes\" than the last time he heard her play. We're supposed to like this dude? No thanks. #ImWithDash\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/large.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/large.gif\" alt=\"scrub tlc left eye\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom is like, \u003cem>Look, Victoria, aren't Albert and your other first cousin sooo hot?!\u003c/em> As if the incest isn't gross enough, she refers to them as \"specimens.\" Victoria and I agree that this entire display is gross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ew-taylor-swift.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ew-taylor-swift.gif\" alt=\"ew taylor swift\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert wants to make plans to hang out and check out her art collection, especially the paintings by Leonardo da Vinci. Victoria responds with a \u003cem>Who dat?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lrzsuad72G1qebmn2.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61173\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lrzsuad72G1qebmn2.gif\" alt=\"rihanna you look so dumb gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria gets out of spending time with Albert by explaining that she's going to be too busy going over war reports from Afghanistan, the 19th century version of \"I have to wash my hair.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61174\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\" alt=\"ooh burn emma stone\" width=\"498\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Albert and his brother, Ernst, debrief on the interaction. Ernst thinks Albert should be less of a d-ck in the future. Good idea!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert threatens to go home because she didn't immediately fall to his feet when he insulted her piano skills. He also whines about how, even if things worked out, he would be married to a woman who was more successful than him. This is like that \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeVfLOqtPR8\">elevator scene\u003c/a> from \u003cem>The Shining\u003c/em>, only instead of blood gushing out, it's a sea of red flags.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate bedroom, Victoria and her servants dish on Albert. They decide he's hot, but rude, and suffering from a bad case of Resting Bitch Face™.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, some dude is trying to explain the concept of a stamp to Victoria. She finds the whole thing preposterous and hilarious: \"So everybody who wants to send a letter will have to lick my face?!\" Albert resting-bitch-faces in a corner and reprimands her for laughing at such a brilliant invention. Yep, that's right; they're not even married yet and already fighting... over stamps!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/bethenny-get-out.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61184\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/bethenny-get-out.gif\" alt=\"bethenny get out\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria goes out on a balcony with Lord M and primal screams. Lord M is like, \u003cem>OMG, don't worry! The war reports from Afghanistan look really promising!\u003c/em> Victoria is like, \u003cem>Huh? How can you care about world affairs at a time like this? A boy was mean to me!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's that time again, when the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers try to interest us in a servant B-plot again. Babyface Maid meets some woman in an alley, who threatens to tell everyone that Babyface used a fake identity to get the Buckingham Palace job, unless she pays up. I feel like this exact thing happened on \u003cem>Downton Abbey. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/nene-been-there-done-that.gif\" alt=\"nene been there done that\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert and Ernst head into town, where they are introduced to daguerreotypes. Almost as cool as stamps! Albert notices fancy ladies being rude to beggar children. One of these kids is the main character from Hans Christian Andersen's \"The Little Match Girl.\" Albert instructs a servant to give her a few coins. Ugh, now I'm stuck thinking about how sad that story is (\u003cem>Cliffs Notes version:\u003c/em> people are trash and don't buy a poor girl's matches, so she hallucinates before freezing to death in a gutter).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61187\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-crying.gif\" alt=\"oprah crying\" width=\"440\" height=\"336\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anywaaaay, that night at dinner, Albert glares at Dash the Dog, while Ernst tells Victoria how much fun they had at the National Gallery. She asks if they checked out \u003ca href=\"http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y189/royal_forum/Queen-Victoria-India.jpg\">Hayter's portrait of her\u003c/a> (it's her fave). Albert is like, \u003cem>Definitely did not! I hate modern art! Old Masters for life! Especially Rubens!\u003c/em> Victoria replies that she detests Rubens and \"all that \u003ca href=\"https://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/rubens/bacchus.jpg\">wobbling flesh\u003c/a>.\" Longest, worst first date ever!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After dinner, Albert walks in on Victoria and her friends playing cards, and declares that he hates card games. Cool story, bro. Nobody asked you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst decides the only way to salvage this mess is with a Schubert duet (naturally). Victoria and Albert take out their sexual frustration on the keys and manage to make beautiful music together. The song ends and they share a nice quiet moment... until Albert tells Victoria she has small hands. Like Donald Trump, Victoria doesn't appreciate this being pointed out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, things get worse:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You play very well, cousin, but I believe you do not practice enough. It's necessary to play for at least one hour each day.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"But a queen does not have time for scales every day.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Only for card games.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61563\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq.gif\" alt=\"44ae0d8b9b959e08553a728916122a7ef77210ae_hq\" width=\"500\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria agrees to continue hanging out with Albert for some reason. She racks her brain for a safe topic that won't lead to more insults. A-ha! Gardens! Surely he can't find a way to turn that subject into something hateful, right? Yeah, no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Do you like gardens, Albert?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I prefer forests.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61565\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mtrvjnENhz1rqp2rqo1_250\" width=\"200\" height=\"217\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61564\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_nsqbzkqPOH1rkg7ly_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"257\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Babyface Maid steals a diamond hair pin. She puts it back a few minutes later.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/M7HJH0IH3dc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/M7HJH0IH3dc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>That night, Victoria throws a house party in Albert's honor, even though he doesn't deserve much more than a kick in the teeth and a permanent exile. Albert sulks in a corner (because he's the worst) until he sees Lord M ask Victoria to dance. Like a grumpy toddler who hasn't had a nap all day, Albert walks up to Lord M and wails, \u003cem>Mine!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like most toddlers, he gets his way and do-si-dos with Victoria. Soon, he gets distracted by a flower Victoria has placed in the middle of her boobs. He inhales her cleavage, looks at her lustily, and says... that it reminds him of his mom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/michelle-obama-ew-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61566\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/michelle-obama-ew-gif.gif\" alt=\"michelle-obama-ew-gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He takes out a knife, sensually slices his shirt open, and places the flower near his nipple. Victoria looks on like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/o-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61577\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/o-face.gif\" alt=\"o-face\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It looks like they're about to get into some \u003ca href=\"http://www.eonline.com/news/590687/billy-bob-thornton-explains-why-angelina-jolie-wanted-to-wear-a-vial-of-his-blood-around-her-neck\">Billy Bob and Angelina sexy blood vial stuff\u003c/a>, but they stop short. I guess that's in next week's episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M tries to update Victoria on Afghanistan. Victoria does not give a single you-know-what.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/635916936701388154-801535178_care.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61574\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/635916936701388154-801535178_care.gif\" alt=\"635916936701388154-801535178_care\" width=\"245\" height=\"184\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's too giddy about taking a road trip to Windsor to care about foreign affairs. Maybe if she shows Albert a forest, he'll stop being so mean! (Fat chance.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Windsor, Albert is grumpy because he doesn't like his dinner outfit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/god-i-hate-you.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61575\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/god-i-hate-you.gif\" alt=\"god i hate you\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tells Lord M about how she just binge-read the coolest book: Charles Dickens' \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em>. Lord M says that his Netflix queue is already super long so he doesn't have time to read about grave robbers and pickpockets. Albert, Patron Saint of Contrarians, comes out of the shadows to declare that he loves \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em> and grave robbers and pickpockets!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/asu.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61576\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/asu.gif\" alt=\"asu\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria finally figures out how to get Albert in the mood: show him an old oak tree! It works. He tells her he hates her hat and tells her to take it off. He considers kissing her, before deciding nah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to rescue the moment by asking about what happened to his dead mom (not exactly something you'd find in a Dirty Talk 101 course manual). Apparently, his mom left his dad when Albert was five and then died sometime later. I mean, if Albert was my son, I would also run away and die, so I get it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Off in the distance, Dash can be heard squealing in pain. Oh, hell no. If Dash dies, I will seriously stop recapping this show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-cant.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61578\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-cant.gif\" alt=\"i cant\" width=\"282\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dash broke his leg! Albert rips part of his shirt off to make a puppy paw tourniquet. Awww! Two points for Hufflepuff! But, moments later, Albert throws a jealous hissy fit over Lord M and tells Victoria she should just marry him because she seems to love to surround herself with sycophants. Minus those same two points from Hufflepuff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"How dare you! May I remind you that, while you were looking at paintings in Italy, I was ruling this country! I don't need you to tell me what to think, Albert.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"No. That's Lord Melbourne's job.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>SLAP HIM! KILL HIM! DO IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61579\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7kmcsvczbtkwc8ckgsgk4ss4w_640\" width=\"481\" height=\"271\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She doesn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/disappointed-jennifer-lopez.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/disappointed-jennifer-lopez.gif\" alt=\"disappointed jennifer lopez\" width=\"371\" height=\"242\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Babyface gives some lace collars to Random Blackmailing Lady because she needs to feed her baby or something. I still don't care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because of the bicker-fest in the forest, the Windsor slumber party is called off and everyone returns to Buckingham Palace. Victoria complains to Lord M that Albert is super jealous of him. Due to his constant barrage of critiques, she starts to believe that there's something wrong with \u003cem>her\u003c/em>, not him: \"Albert always looks at me as if I've done something wrong. I'd like him to smile at me.\" Wake up, girl! He's negging you! It's a classic pickup artist move! Don't fall for it! (She's totally gonna.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M takes Albert aside and says, \u003cem>Look, I'm old and going to retire as Victoria's Prime Minister soon, so stop being such a jealous little sh-t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria gets all gussied up, puts boob flowers in her hair and all over the mantlepiece and calls for Albert. He's like, \u003cem>Oooo! Boob flowers! You know how much thinking about my dead mom turns me on!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She discards all my sage dating advice and proposes marriage to him. (Note: he's still very much her first cousin.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/971.gif\" alt=\"tina fey eyeroll gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He responds, \u003cem>Of course! Sorry for being the worst! Let's make out!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, no. His real response: \"That depends.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/jennifer-lawrence-middle-finger.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61580\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/jennifer-lawrence-middle-finger.gif\" alt=\"jennifer lawrence middle finger\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Minus all the points from Hufflepuff. What is this dweeb's damage???\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He eventually agrees to marry her and they giggle about how it will be \"a marriage of inconvenience\" because of how mentally abusive he is. Ha ha ha, so funny.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\" alt=\"whitney fake laugh gif\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>A high school World History textbook already spoiled this marriage for me, but I'm still hoping Dash interrupts the wedding during the \"Speak now or forever hold your peace\" part and, in a twist of revisionist history, saves Victoria from a lifetime of passive-aggressive mind games. I also hope that Dash gives Albert rabies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Afghanistan. \u003c/strong>Victoria doesn't give a crap about you, but Lord M and I do!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Little Match Girl. \u003c/strong>I would say it gets better, but it doesn't. 🙁\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Lord M. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>The walking and talking embodiment of \"I'm too old for this sh-t.\" He deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for not slapping these people to death on the daily.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Dash. \u003c/strong>This adorable pup knew Albert was bad news from the start. The only one who continuously keeps it real. MVP and all-around dreamboat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies",
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"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>Our episode starts with a blinged-out, bored Victoria riding around town. Some people gather to watch her carriage pass:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60155\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 1.51.04 PM\" width=\"597\" height=\"579\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png 597w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-160x155.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-240x233.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-375x364.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-520x504.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-32x32.png 32w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 597px) 100vw, 597px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, elsewhere, a much larger crowd gathers to protest:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 1.50.51 PM\" width=\"588\" height=\"578\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png 588w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-160x157.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-240x236.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-375x369.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-520x511.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-32x32.png 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-50x50.png 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-64x64.png 64w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 588px) 100vw, 588px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"One Man, One Vote,\" the signs read. A reasonable request, right? Apparently not; soldiers aim rifles at the protestors, yell \"In the name of the Queen! Fire!!!\" and shoot everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/f8a.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60157\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/f8a.gif\" alt=\"f8a\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Lord M agree that Queen Elizabeth I had it all figured out by staying single forever. Marriage just leads to unhappiness, divorce, or getting cuckolded by Lord Byron, so why bother?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria's uncle on her mother's side, Leopold, arrives to say passive-aggressive things about her height (we get it! she's short!) and how he would be living in Buckingham Palace if his wife hadn't died during childbirth (she preceded Victoria in the line of succession). For a country known for its stuffy manners, these people sure don't have any.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom doesn't waste any time conspiring with her brother about making Victoria marry their other sibling's son, Albert. If you're following along, yes, that means Albert is Victoria's first cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gross5_zps43ad1395.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60167\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gross5_zps43ad1395.gif\" alt=\"gross5_zps43ad1395\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/raw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/raw.gif\" alt=\"raw\" width=\"244\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60169\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (1)\" width=\"310\" height=\"205\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Disgusted-Grandma.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60166\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Disgusted-Grandma.gif\" alt=\"Disgusted-Grandma\" width=\"389\" height=\"221\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And before you leave a comment, yes, I'm aware that this sort of thing occurs often in royal families to keep alliances strong, but it doesn't make the fact that Victoria and Albert share the same grandparents any less gross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Never one to miss an opportunity to beat a dead horse, Sir John randomly chimes in from the sidelines: \"YOU NEED A HUSBAND!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries.gif\" alt=\"Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries\" width=\"500\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria announces that they can continue discussing how she's nothing without a husband, but that she has to go govern now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar is upset that he's not the only power-hungry uncle around. Scar's wife has a solution: why doesn't Uncle Scar try to make Victoria marry George, one of the first cousins on her father's side?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1456.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60173\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1456.gif\" alt=\"1456\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M finds Victoria to tell her two things:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Ew! Your first cousin?!\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Some starving poor people are protesting for their civil rights and getting shot.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Victoria is like, \u003cem>Oh, that's weird. Anyway, I can't wait to dance with you at the opera tonight! \u003c/em>Somewhere, Marie Antoinette's headless ghost is floating around, wailing, \u003cem>You chop off my head for wanting to share some cake, but she gets away with this? Come on!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the servants pick sides -- #TeamRussianGroper, #TeamCousinAlbert, #TeamCousinGeorge, #TeamLordM -- and place bets. They're all wrong. \u003ca href=\"http://foreveryoungadult.com/_uploads/images2/gilmoregirlsjessandrory.jpg\">#TeamJess\u003c/a> all the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the opera, Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over Victoria with mean looks, while Leopold creepily stalks Victoria through binoculars.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the performance, Uncle Leopold threatens Victoria with the idea that, if she doesn't take the safe, incestuous choice with Albert and instead marries Lord M, protestors will burn everything to the ground and probably kill her. Victoria obliterates him back into his proper place with this royal clapback:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I think you forget that I'm of a royal line that stretches back 1,000 years, whilst you're the king of Belgium, a country that did not exist a decade ago.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/xgz9nkR.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60181\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/xgz9nkR.gif\" alt=\"xgz9nkR\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, lead maid Ms. Jenkins gets an upsetting note from her sister, but doesn't want to talk about it. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, you don't have to force a \"downstairs\" narrative in an attempt to be \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>. You'll never be \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, and that's okay.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Lord M trot around on horseback, talking about boys. The verdict: Russian Groper is hot and gets what it's like to be a spoiled royal, but is he too foreign? As for Cousin George, he's the worst, but an incestuous English marriage would be super popular with the people. Decisions, decisions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know who else is English? Lord M! He and Victoria stop just short of winking at each other and licking their lips. (Fun fact: in real life, Lord M was 40 YEARS OLDER than Victoria, and they didn't like each other in that way. But reality makes for dull television, so here we are.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, Victoria's mom complains to her brother about how poor she feels and asks for money. He quickly delivers a NOPE, reminds her she lives in a frickin' palace, and recommends she dump Sir John and get back on Victoria's good side. Victoria's mom blinks slowly and responds, \u003cem>No, but for real, can I borrow ten dollars?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sometime later, Victoria is out in public to unveil a monument to her dead father. There are more soldiers than usual because the protestors are gaining steam. Some are even talking about pushing for women's right to vote. At this idea, Victoria laughs, \"Now, you are teasing me!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60182\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500\" width=\"340\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over who gets to help Victoria ascend a single small step. Victoria doesn't need help though; as we learned last week, her new rebel move is to confront staircases without holding onto people. You go, girl!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The moment she unveils the monument, protestors erupt in shouts and Victoria is whisked away to safety. Leopold pops up out of nowhere to remind Lord M that he's old and should stop flirting with his niece.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria plays with Lord M's telescope (this is not a dirty euphemism), while, across town, Lord M holds important papers and stares off into the distance. They're basically reenacting this scene, but with way more sexual tension:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_iRdgGZ6Xc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the Italian chef is losing his hotness by the syllable, as he badgers Babyface Maid over her mysterious past. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (Again, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, we don't care about these forced B plots.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, spooked by his conversation with Leopold, Lord M stays away from Buckingham Palace, but Victoria, not well-versed in play-hard-to-get or he's-just-not-that-into-you, jumps in an unmarked carriage and goes to his house. Their interaction goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Victoria: \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60191\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy (3)\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60192\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/hair-push-back.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60193\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/hair-push-back.gif\" alt=\"hair-push-back\" width=\"500\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60194\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\" alt=\"giphy (4)\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong> Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60196\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210.gif\" alt=\"Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60195\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif.gif\" alt=\"mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens up about how she thought Lord M was just a replacement father figure, but that she realized she wants him to be her daddy, in a sexual sense, too! Lord M says he can't do that because he's super busy being sad about his cheating, dead wife for the rest of his life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60197\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a.gif\" alt=\"be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria changes up her look (because nothing helps one get over a breakup more than a fierce makeover).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60199\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 5.09.27 PM\" width=\"750\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png 750w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-160x83.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-240x124.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-375x194.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-520x269.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Violet_come_through.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60200\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Violet_come_through.gif\" alt=\"Violet_come_through\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bunch of dignitaries arrive for a ball in Leopold's honor. Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over who will dance with Victoria first. Victoria chooses Russian Groper because hotness trumps foreignness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some hallway, Babyface Maid gets Mrs. Jenkins to spill on that letter she received from her sister. Turns out she has a nephew, whom she hasn't seen in a long while because servants don't get PTO privileges. He always said he would come visit her and he's finally coming to London....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60208\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500\" width=\"495\" height=\"249\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>... \"to be hanged and then to be cut open while he's still alive.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/brit-omg.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60209\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/brit-omg.gif\" alt=\"brit omg\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out he was part of the protesting movement. WOMP.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Lord M asks for a dance, even though he just stomped on Victoria's daddy-issue-filled heart. He brings up the relationship Queen Elizabeth I had with the Earl of Leicester. Like their situation, it was a will-they-won't-they, forbidden love thing that involved a dead wife. Victoria imagines the point of this story is to say, \u003cem>Screw it! Let's French kiss like it's 1559!\u003c/em> But his point is actually,\u003cem> I'm still just not that into you. Also: did you know I had a wife who cheated on me with Lord Byron?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next up in the dancing request line: Sir John, who spends the entire song telling Victoria she needs to snag a husband to \"keep her behavior in check\" and pop out some babies already. Get some new material, dude.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Russian Groper gives Victoria a fancy gift with their initials spelled out in diamonds, and then announces that he's going back to Russia to marry some princess his dad picked out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/huh-what.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60210\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/huh-what.gif\" alt=\"huh-what\" width=\"250\" height=\"203\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So much for #TeamRussianGroper.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Uncle Scar's pad, he's still grumpy over being a 67-year-old heir, who'll probably never be King. His wife cheers him up: \"Remember, even healthy women can die in childbirth!\" Wow. I feel really bad for \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederica_of_Mecklenburg-Strelitz\">the real-life woman\u003c/a> this character is based on. After a cursory dive into her Wikipedia page, I declare that this depiction is unfair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria tells Mrs. Jenkins and Babyface Maid that she wishes she was a man because corsets suck. They both put up praise hands and say, \u003cem>Amen! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mrs. Jenkins falls down for no reason and asks to be excused. Victoria is like, \u003cem>What's her damage? \u003c/em>Babyface Maid spills all the details about Mrs. Jenkins' nephew and how most non-royals think the punishment for protesting should be a bit more lenient than being sliced up and gutted. Victoria is like, \u003cem>Hmmmmm, maybe!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds Lord M and says she wants to sign a petition on whitehouse.gov or something to save the protestors' lives. He's like, \u003cem>Ummm, you're the Queen. You can just commute their sentences and set them up with new lives in Australia.\u003c/em> She's like, \u003cem>Cool, we'll do that, then!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a roll, Victoria runs off to take care of another bit of business. She informs Sir John and her mom that she will grant Sir John's request for money and a title in exchange for disappearing forever and ever. Shocked, Victoria's mom turns to Sir John to find out if he's really willing to drop her for a few coins. Sir John's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20781\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-5.gif\" alt=\"kanye shrug gif\" width=\"464\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria tries to make amends with her mother: \u003cem>Hey, sorry about sending away your best friend / maybe lover and for humiliating your cancer-stricken friend and speeding up her death. Here's some fancy lace and a bigger allowance. We cool? \u003c/em>Victoria's mom decides that they are.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria is painting a portrait of Elizabeth I. She tells Lord M she's decided to take a page from the former Queen's playbook and be single forever, while getting some on the side (*wink*). For the hundredth time, Lord M turns her down and tells her to maybe consider marrying her cousin Albert. This Albert better be hot, geez.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time later, Victoria is playing a dramatic song on the piano, while everyone sits around her, pretending not to be bored. Cut to two men descending stairs. Their boots have tassels on them. Their faces have mustaches on them. They walk in and everyone stands, but Victoria is too focused on her music to notice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert (rudely, in my opinion) walks up and distracts her mid-concerto. He says her name. With her eyes, she says, \u003cem>UM, WOAH, TOTALLY COOL WITH THIS MARRIAGE THING NOW.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/omy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60220\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/omy.gif\" alt=\"omy\" width=\"327\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Russian Groper. \u003c/strong>What a tease!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Victoria's Mom. \u003c/strong>Losing all your friends and being left with a daughter who hates you must be tough. Here's a pity prize to go with the fancy lace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003cstrong>The Protestors. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>What do they want? Basic voting rights! When do they want it? Preferably before they all die of starvation! Keep fighting, comrades.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> Elizabeth I. \u003c/strong>For inspiring independent women that they don't need a man (unless he's super-duper hot).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003cstrong>Mrs. Jenkins' Nephew's Guts. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>They get to stay inside of him! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Victoria vows to be single forever (unless a really hot guy comes along).",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Our episode starts with a blinged-out, bored Victoria riding around town. Some people gather to watch her carriage pass:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60155\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 1.51.04 PM\" width=\"597\" height=\"579\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM.png 597w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-160x155.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-240x233.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-375x364.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-520x504.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.51.04-PM-32x32.png 32w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 597px) 100vw, 597px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, elsewhere, a much larger crowd gathers to protest:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 1.50.51 PM\" width=\"588\" height=\"578\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM.png 588w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-160x157.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-240x236.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-375x369.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-520x511.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-32x32.png 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-50x50.png 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-1.50.51-PM-64x64.png 64w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 588px) 100vw, 588px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"One Man, One Vote,\" the signs read. A reasonable request, right? Apparently not; soldiers aim rifles at the protestors, yell \"In the name of the Queen! Fire!!!\" and shoot everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/f8a.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60157\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/f8a.gif\" alt=\"f8a\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Lord M agree that Queen Elizabeth I had it all figured out by staying single forever. Marriage just leads to unhappiness, divorce, or getting cuckolded by Lord Byron, so why bother?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria's uncle on her mother's side, Leopold, arrives to say passive-aggressive things about her height (we get it! she's short!) and how he would be living in Buckingham Palace if his wife hadn't died during childbirth (she preceded Victoria in the line of succession). For a country known for its stuffy manners, these people sure don't have any.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom doesn't waste any time conspiring with her brother about making Victoria marry their other sibling's son, Albert. If you're following along, yes, that means Albert is Victoria's first cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gross5_zps43ad1395.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60167\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gross5_zps43ad1395.gif\" alt=\"gross5_zps43ad1395\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/raw.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/raw.gif\" alt=\"raw\" width=\"244\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60169\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy (1)\" width=\"310\" height=\"205\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Disgusted-Grandma.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60166\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Disgusted-Grandma.gif\" alt=\"Disgusted-Grandma\" width=\"389\" height=\"221\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And before you leave a comment, yes, I'm aware that this sort of thing occurs often in royal families to keep alliances strong, but it doesn't make the fact that Victoria and Albert share the same grandparents any less gross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Never one to miss an opportunity to beat a dead horse, Sir John randomly chimes in from the sidelines: \"YOU NEED A HUSBAND!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries.gif\" alt=\"Anne-Hathaway-Needs-Everyone-To-Shut-Up-In-Disneys-The-Princess-Diaries\" width=\"500\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria announces that they can continue discussing how she's nothing without a husband, but that she has to go govern now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mx3npl6PjH1qfh70bo4_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar is upset that he's not the only power-hungry uncle around. Scar's wife has a solution: why doesn't Uncle Scar try to make Victoria marry George, one of the first cousins on her father's side?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1456.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60173\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1456.gif\" alt=\"1456\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord M finds Victoria to tell her two things:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Ew! Your first cousin?!\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Some starving poor people are protesting for their civil rights and getting shot.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>Victoria is like, \u003cem>Oh, that's weird. Anyway, I can't wait to dance with you at the opera tonight! \u003c/em>Somewhere, Marie Antoinette's headless ghost is floating around, wailing, \u003cem>You chop off my head for wanting to share some cake, but she gets away with this? Come on!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the servants pick sides -- #TeamRussianGroper, #TeamCousinAlbert, #TeamCousinGeorge, #TeamLordM -- and place bets. They're all wrong. \u003ca href=\"http://foreveryoungadult.com/_uploads/images2/gilmoregirlsjessandrory.jpg\">#TeamJess\u003c/a> all the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the opera, Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over Victoria with mean looks, while Leopold creepily stalks Victoria through binoculars.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the performance, Uncle Leopold threatens Victoria with the idea that, if she doesn't take the safe, incestuous choice with Albert and instead marries Lord M, protestors will burn everything to the ground and probably kill her. Victoria obliterates him back into his proper place with this royal clapback:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"I think you forget that I'm of a royal line that stretches back 1,000 years, whilst you're the king of Belgium, a country that did not exist a decade ago.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/xgz9nkR.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60181\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/xgz9nkR.gif\" alt=\"xgz9nkR\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, lead maid Ms. Jenkins gets an upsetting note from her sister, but doesn't want to talk about it. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, you don't have to force a \"downstairs\" narrative in an attempt to be \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>. You'll never be \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, and that's okay.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Lord M trot around on horseback, talking about boys. The verdict: Russian Groper is hot and gets what it's like to be a spoiled royal, but is he too foreign? As for Cousin George, he's the worst, but an incestuous English marriage would be super popular with the people. Decisions, decisions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know who else is English? Lord M! He and Victoria stop just short of winking at each other and licking their lips. (Fun fact: in real life, Lord M was 40 YEARS OLDER than Victoria, and they didn't like each other in that way. But reality makes for dull television, so here we are.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, Victoria's mom complains to her brother about how poor she feels and asks for money. He quickly delivers a NOPE, reminds her she lives in a frickin' palace, and recommends she dump Sir John and get back on Victoria's good side. Victoria's mom blinks slowly and responds, \u003cem>No, but for real, can I borrow ten dollars?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sometime later, Victoria is out in public to unveil a monument to her dead father. There are more soldiers than usual because the protestors are gaining steam. Some are even talking about pushing for women's right to vote. At this idea, Victoria laughs, \"Now, you are teasing me!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60182\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_ohfhx3b1UC1uqemwj_500\" width=\"340\" height=\"230\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over who gets to help Victoria ascend a single small step. Victoria doesn't need help though; as we learned last week, her new rebel move is to confront staircases without holding onto people. You go, girl!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The moment she unveils the monument, protestors erupt in shouts and Victoria is whisked away to safety. Leopold pops up out of nowhere to remind Lord M that he's old and should stop flirting with his niece.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Victoria plays with Lord M's telescope (this is not a dirty euphemism), while, across town, Lord M holds important papers and stares off into the distance. They're basically reenacting this scene, but with way more sexual tension:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/l_iRdgGZ6Xc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/l_iRdgGZ6Xc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Downstairs, the Italian chef is losing his hotness by the syllable, as he badgers Babyface Maid over her mysterious past. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (Again, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, we don't care about these forced B plots.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, spooked by his conversation with Leopold, Lord M stays away from Buckingham Palace, but Victoria, not well-versed in play-hard-to-get or he's-just-not-that-into-you, jumps in an unmarked carriage and goes to his house. Their interaction goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Victoria: \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60191\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy (3)\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60192\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mc5v5y3MTC1qgbguro5_250\" width=\"245\" height=\"170\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/hair-push-back.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60193\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/hair-push-back.gif\" alt=\"hair-push-back\" width=\"500\" height=\"244\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60194\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\" alt=\"giphy (4)\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong> Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60196\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210.gif\" alt=\"Mean-Girls-mean-girls-25469651-500-210\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cstrong>Lord M:\u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60195\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif.gif\" alt=\"mean-girls-11th-anniversary-gif\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens up about how she thought Lord M was just a replacement father figure, but that she realized she wants him to be her daddy, in a sexual sense, too! Lord M says he can't do that because he's super busy being sad about his cheating, dead wife for the rest of his life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60197\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a.gif\" alt=\"be3c452f34164db6001c8311f255138a\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria changes up her look (because nothing helps one get over a breakup more than a fierce makeover).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60199\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-22 at 5.09.27 PM\" width=\"750\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM.png 750w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-160x83.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-240x124.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-375x194.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-22-at-5.09.27-PM-520x269.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Violet_come_through.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60200\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Violet_come_through.gif\" alt=\"Violet_come_through\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A bunch of dignitaries arrive for a ball in Leopold's honor. Russian Groper and Cousin George fight over who will dance with Victoria first. Victoria chooses Russian Groper because hotness trumps foreignness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some hallway, Babyface Maid gets Mrs. Jenkins to spill on that letter she received from her sister. Turns out she has a nephew, whom she hasn't seen in a long while because servants don't get PTO privileges. He always said he would come visit her and he's finally coming to London....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60208\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_lsb8q8AmRS1r3v6f2o1_500\" width=\"495\" height=\"249\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>... \"to be hanged and then to be cut open while he's still alive.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/brit-omg.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60209\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/brit-omg.gif\" alt=\"brit omg\" width=\"500\" height=\"270\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out he was part of the protesting movement. WOMP.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in the ballroom, Lord M asks for a dance, even though he just stomped on Victoria's daddy-issue-filled heart. He brings up the relationship Queen Elizabeth I had with the Earl of Leicester. Like their situation, it was a will-they-won't-they, forbidden love thing that involved a dead wife. Victoria imagines the point of this story is to say, \u003cem>Screw it! Let's French kiss like it's 1559!\u003c/em> But his point is actually,\u003cem> I'm still just not that into you. Also: did you know I had a wife who cheated on me with Lord Byron?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next up in the dancing request line: Sir John, who spends the entire song telling Victoria she needs to snag a husband to \"keep her behavior in check\" and pop out some babies already. Get some new material, dude.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Russian Groper gives Victoria a fancy gift with their initials spelled out in diamonds, and then announces that he's going back to Russia to marry some princess his dad picked out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/huh-what.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60210\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/huh-what.gif\" alt=\"huh-what\" width=\"250\" height=\"203\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So much for #TeamRussianGroper.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Uncle Scar's pad, he's still grumpy over being a 67-year-old heir, who'll probably never be King. His wife cheers him up: \"Remember, even healthy women can die in childbirth!\" Wow. I feel really bad for \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederica_of_Mecklenburg-Strelitz\">the real-life woman\u003c/a> this character is based on. After a cursory dive into her Wikipedia page, I declare that this depiction is unfair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria tells Mrs. Jenkins and Babyface Maid that she wishes she was a man because corsets suck. They both put up praise hands and say, \u003cem>Amen! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mrs. Jenkins falls down for no reason and asks to be excused. Victoria is like, \u003cem>What's her damage? \u003c/em>Babyface Maid spills all the details about Mrs. Jenkins' nephew and how most non-royals think the punishment for protesting should be a bit more lenient than being sliced up and gutted. Victoria is like, \u003cem>Hmmmmm, maybe!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds Lord M and says she wants to sign a petition on whitehouse.gov or something to save the protestors' lives. He's like, \u003cem>Ummm, you're the Queen. You can just commute their sentences and set them up with new lives in Australia.\u003c/em> She's like, \u003cem>Cool, we'll do that, then!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a roll, Victoria runs off to take care of another bit of business. She informs Sir John and her mom that she will grant Sir John's request for money and a title in exchange for disappearing forever and ever. Shocked, Victoria's mom turns to Sir John to find out if he's really willing to drop her for a few coins. Sir John's response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20781\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/giphy-5.gif\" alt=\"kanye shrug gif\" width=\"464\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria tries to make amends with her mother: \u003cem>Hey, sorry about sending away your best friend / maybe lover and for humiliating your cancer-stricken friend and speeding up her death. Here's some fancy lace and a bigger allowance. We cool? \u003c/em>Victoria's mom decides that they are.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria is painting a portrait of Elizabeth I. She tells Lord M she's decided to take a page from the former Queen's playbook and be single forever, while getting some on the side (*wink*). For the hundredth time, Lord M turns her down and tells her to maybe consider marrying her cousin Albert. This Albert better be hot, geez.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time later, Victoria is playing a dramatic song on the piano, while everyone sits around her, pretending not to be bored. Cut to two men descending stairs. Their boots have tassels on them. Their faces have mustaches on them. They walk in and everyone stands, but Victoria is too focused on her music to notice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert (rudely, in my opinion) walks up and distracts her mid-concerto. He says her name. With her eyes, she says, \u003cem>UM, WOAH, TOTALLY COOL WITH THIS MARRIAGE THING NOW.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/omy.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-60220\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/omy.gif\" alt=\"omy\" width=\"327\" height=\"259\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Russian Groper. \u003c/strong>What a tease!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Victoria's Mom. \u003c/strong>Losing all your friends and being left with a daughter who hates you must be tough. Here's a pity prize to go with the fancy lace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003cstrong>The Protestors. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>What do they want? Basic voting rights! When do they want it? Preferably before they all die of starvation! Keep fighting, comrades.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> Elizabeth I. \u003c/strong>For inspiring independent women that they don't need a man (unless he's super-duper hot).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003cstrong>Mrs. Jenkins' Nephew's Guts. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>They get to stay inside of him! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "Get Your First Look at Susan Sarandon and Jessica Lange as Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in 'Feud'",
"title": "Get Your First Look at Susan Sarandon and Jessica Lange as Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in 'Feud'",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe width=\"100%\" height=\"166\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/264856470&color=ff5500&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bette Davis vs. Joan Crawford, a.k.a. the Old-Hollywood feud that makes Mariah Carey vs. Jennifer Lopez look like child's play, is coming to a TV (or -- let's be real -- a laptop screen) near you on March 5, 2017. Last summer, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/24/bette-davis-v-joan-crawford-the-hateful-history-behind-old-hollywoods-nastiest-feud/\">Ryan Murphy announced\u003c/a> that Susan Sarandon and Jessica Lange would play Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. Now we know what that looks like, with the release of the first official photos.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Behold!\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_59614\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 597px\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-59614 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-19 at 11.20.25 AM\" width=\"597\" height=\"598\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM.png 597w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-160x160.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-240x240.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-375x376.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-520x521.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-32x32.png 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-50x50.png 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-64x64.png 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-96x96.png 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-128x128.png 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.20.25-AM-150x150.png 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 597px) 100vw, 597px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Entertainment Weekly\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_59613\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 601px\">\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.33.10-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-59613 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.33.10-AM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-19 at 11.33.10 AM\" width=\"601\" height=\"308\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.33.10-AM.png 601w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.33.10-AM-160x82.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.33.10-AM-240x123.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.33.10-AM-375x192.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-19-at-11.33.10-AM-520x266.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 601px) 100vw, 601px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Entertainment Weekly\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Considering recent casting atrocities, such as \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/12/01/heres-your-first-look-at-lifetimes-britney-spears-movie-if-your-eyes-can-stand-it/\">Lifetime's Britney Spears biopic\u003c/a> or the \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2015/06/04/first-photo-of-lifetimes-full-house-tv-movie-will-damage-your-vision/\">\u003cem>Full House\u003c/em> TV movie\u003c/a>, this is pretty good!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If these photos don't excite you, these teaser trailers will:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qDm9D422tQ\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHpulQE9E1g\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know I'll be watching!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you aren't well-versed in the acrimonious relationship between Bette and Joan, read up:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/24/bette-davis-v-joan-crawford-the-hateful-history-behind-old-hollywoods-nastiest-feud/\">Bette Davis v. Joan Crawford: The Hateful History Behind Old Hollywood’s Nastiest Feud\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>The Old Hollywood rivalry that makes Mariah vs. Jennifer Lopez look like child's play.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[embedly_js]\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "The Old Hollywood feud that makes Mariah Carey v. Jennifer Lopez look like child's play, is coming to a TV near you on March 5, 2017.",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey\u003c/a>\u003cem> or \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">Poldark\u003c/a>\u003cem> recaps of yore. Since those shows wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called \u003c/em>Victoria\u003cem>. I hope you'll join me. Let's do this!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pastel clouds greet a pleasant sunrise in the English countryside... but there's no time to appreciate that right now because there's a bunch of text on the screen! It's 1837, the year that daguerreotypes and \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em> became a thing. William IV is the king and apparently in some trouble. His niece Alexandrina is his heir.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, before we get any further, here are a few interesting things I found out about this William dude, after researching him for the past hour:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>He joined the Royal Navy at 13. While stationed in North America, George Washington tried to kidnap him!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Because William IV was so far down the line of succession (he was the third son of King George III), he decided \u003cem>Ah, screw it!\u003c/em>, shacked up with an actress with a bad reputation and had ten \"illegitimate\" kids. Get it, Willie!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>After the deaths of his father, both his older brothers, and his niece, he became an unexpected King at the ripe age of 64. Under his reign, slavery was abolished in nearly all of the British Empire and child labor was restricted. Huzzah for common decency!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>In his final months, William gave a blistering speech at a banquet about how much he hoped he wouldn't croak before his niece was of age, so that her no-good, sneaky mother wouldn't get her hands on the powers of the crown. Queen Victoria -- then Alexandrina -- burst into tears from shock. But she still thought fondly of him because he was kind of right.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>So that sets us up for what we're about to see. Back to the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A messenger arrives at Kensington Palace wearing a black armband. Our homeboy William IV is dead. Well, that was quick!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57689\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20.gif\" alt=\"giphy-20\" width=\"500\" height=\"324\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/The-African-Queen-GIF-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57690\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/The-African-Queen-GIF-1.gif\" alt=\"the-african-queen-gif-1\" width=\"500\" height=\"363\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We hardly knew ye!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm more upset about his passing than anyone at this mansion is. Some dude named Sir John is basically like, \u003cem>Ugh, finally!\u003c/em> Alexandrina is so jazzed that she walks down a set of stairs WITHOUT HOLDING ONTO HER GOVERNESS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After pretending to be bummed out about her dead uncle in front of the Archbishop for three seconds, she dances around the palace with her cute dog before heading to her room to blast the \"Bow down, b-tches!\" part of \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geEMtwkBZVk\">that Beyoncé song\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Sir John and her mother are already trying to take control, starting with the Queen's name. They both agree Alexandrina is way too ethnic and that her middle name Victoria is super lame. Elizabeth will do. Or Ann.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alexandrina interrupts: \u003cem>Um, guys? Sorry to interrupt your little planning sesh, but I just saw the Archbishop alone and I intend to handle my own business forever and ever without your help. Cool? Oh, and I went down a staircase without assistance earlier.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-21.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57705\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-21.gif\" alt=\"giphy-21\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir John and co. are horrified by the idea of a grown woman having opinions and making her own decisions:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/IVVeY.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57706\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/IVVeY.gif\" alt=\"ivvey\" width=\"360\" height=\"288\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, randoms are gossiping about how they've heard Alexandrina's tongue is too big for her mouth. Burn books were so quaint back then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, the governess tries to hold a lesson with Alexandrina, who replies with a \u003cem>Meh, I know enough. \u003c/em>The governess is bummed that she is now obsolete and must return to her native Germany, but she is quickly promoted to household dictator. The governess gleefully runs to the downstairs kitchen to be rude to all the servants for no reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later in the day, Lord Melbourne, the Prime Minister, arrives to kick it with Alexandrina. Sir John intercepts him and gives a speech about how Alexandrina is a homeschooled weirdo and needs him to be in charge of her affairs. Lord Melbourne pulls one of these:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"chappelle show diss gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some small talk about dolls and ugly, pumpkin-headed suitors, Lord Melbourne brings up Sir John's attempts at seizing control. Alexandrina delivers a quick and strong \u003cem>NOPE!\u003c/em> Melbourne then slyly tries to pull a fast one: \u003cem>TOTALLY, but reading stuff can be quite hard. Your itty-bitty lady brain wouldn't like it. Let me do it! \u003c/em>Alexandrina responds by throwing a Betty Friedan book at his face and burning a bra.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, okay, she didn't exactly react like that, but she did firmly say no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/picgifs-nope-400931.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57716\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/picgifs-nope-400931.gif\" alt=\"picgifs-nope-400931\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, a bunch of Lords assemble to kiss the new Queen's hand. But before all the germ-spreading can commence, Alexandrina must give a speech. Her jealous uncle -- who, like the jealous uncle in \u003cem>The Lion King\u003c/em>, has a huge scar on his face -- interrupts to say she isn't talking loud enough. So she turns the volume and the content way up: \u003cem>Because you all are sexist and ageist as hell, you don't think I'm going to do well. Watch me.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57724\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"238\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alexandrina goes to the balcony and proclaims herself Queen Victoria, a name change without which Prince may have never been referred to as \u003ca href=\"http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/2016/04/21/the_story_behind_prince_s_unpronounceable_love_symbol_2.html\">an unpronounceable symbol\u003c/a>. It's a major moment, yet all I can focus on is the actress' horrible colored contacts. They make her look possessed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58528\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-20-24-pm\" width=\"640\" height=\"399\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM.png 989w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-160x100.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-800x498.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-768x478.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-960x598.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-240x149.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-375x234.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-520x324.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58529\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-19-57-pm\" width=\"640\" height=\"468\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM.png 872w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-160x117.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-800x584.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-768x561.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-240x175.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-375x274.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-520x380.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58527\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-20-43-pm\" width=\"575\" height=\"341\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM.png 575w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-240x142.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-375x222.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-520x308.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 575px) 100vw, 575px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, some time later, Governess Dictator hires a wide-eyed servant girl. The senior servants are royally pissed over not being consulted:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCMs8dUWZus\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is hanging out with her only friends: her dolls and a portrait of her dead dad (#HomeschoolLife). Sir John bursts in, makes fun of her for still playing with dolls, and shuffles around important documents, in an attempt to convince Victoria that she didn't already fire him. When that doesn't work, he takes a more aggressive approach, by getting in Victoria's face and spitting: \"What can a girl like you -- \u003cem>unformed\u003c/em> -- possibly do to serve her country?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/she-came-that-way.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58530\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/she-came-that-way.gif\" alt=\"she-came-that-way\" width=\"245\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Calling her \"unformed\" is one thing, but insulting her best doll friends? Oh, hell nah. Victoria sets him straight by yelling: \"IF I REQUIRE ADVICE, I WILL ASK FOR IT! Sir John, you have our permission to withdraw.\" That's polite royal talk for \"GTFO and TTYN, loser.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/17028425.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58531\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/17028425.gif\" alt=\"17028425\" width=\"500\" height=\"339\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom's eye twitches, as Sir John limps backwards out of the room like a beaten puppy. Feminist Teen Queens: 1; Men Who Think Rocking Mutton Chops Makes Them Hot: 0.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid tries to mend some fancy gloves. Her boss tells her not to bother; the Queen never wears a pair more than once. Okay, Victoria seems chill and all, but I can see why head-chopping revolutions happen. The servants have their own way of sticking it to The Man though; they secretly sell the Queen's gloves, shoes, and other accessories, and pocket the money. Power to the ballsy, poor people! Get them coins!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-32.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58802\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-32.gif\" alt=\"giphy (32)\" width=\"500\" height=\"452\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Victoria whines. \u003cem>Sir John is, like, sooo annoying! And mom's other friend, Flora, walked into my room without knocking!\u003c/em> If this were a century or two earlier, Victoria would simply have them both killed, but it's the 19th century, so she decides to just move to a bigger mansion -- the recently-completed Buckingham Palace -- where she can keep them sequestered in whichever wing gets the least natural light. All is fair in love and real estate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And now, it's time for a montage of everyone we've met so far running around the new digs, freaking out over all the chandeliers, and chanting, \"Started from the bottom, now we're here!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid spots Victoria for the first time and is so dumbfounded that she blurts out this dumb statement: \"She is small, but she ain't no midget.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58801\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/short.gif\" alt=\"short\" width=\"470\" height=\"188\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, the Prime Minister eases Victoria's worries that no one takes her seriously because of her height by declaring: \"Anyone who dares comment on your stature should be sent straight to the Tower!\" (Sayonara, Babyface!) Victoria rewards him for waging a war against heightists -- and for being sort of sexy, if you squint a little -- by giving him a cute nickname -- Lord M -- and allowing him to be her Private Secretary.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58800\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Victoria's mom is really bummed that she and her friends have been put in the North Wing, far away from Victoria's room in the South Wing (#FirstWorldProblems). Sir John takes the opportunity to play a few more B-sides from his Victoria-is-a-stupid-shrimpy-loser broken record, only to be interrupted by the Queen herself. Sir John pounces and tries to make Victoria pick her maids-of-honor on the spot. Victoria gives him the silent treatment and a look that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36234\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\" alt=\"get off my jock gif bethenny\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not taking the hint, Flora pulls out a list of potential girls and ensures that none of them are tall whores. Victoria doubles down on her request for everyone to get off her jock:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58681\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif.gif\" alt=\"i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria tells Babyface Maid she wants to change things up with an \u003cem>au courant\u003c/em> hairstyle. Babyface Maid doesn't know what\u003cem> au courant\u003c/em> means, despite telling all the servants earlier that she has studied French. So she's a liar \u003cem>and\u003c/em> hates short people. Got it. They end up going with braids that go under and around the ears, which soon became the 19th century version of \u003ca href=\"http://parade.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Jennifer-Aniston-The-Rachel-Hairstyle-ftr.jpg\">The Rachel\u003c/a>™.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Flora continues to pester Victoria. Apparently, Victoria accidentally turned her back on some troops.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"No one mentioned this to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003c/strong> \"I assure you, they noticed, but no one likes to correct their monarch, ma'am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Except for you, evidently.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-24.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58689\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-24.gif\" alt=\"giphy-24\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, Governess Dictator is yelling at a servant for wasting too much money on beeswax candles. She doesn't know the help is selling them off, along with all the Queen's other once-used belongings, but something tells me she will soon and the reckoning will be glorious.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Days later, Victoria and Lord M are trotting around on horses and chatting about how everyone thinks they're bumping uglies. Victoria asks if the reason he's single is because he's still clinically depressed about his wife running away with Lord Byron and then dying (yes, that \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Byron\">Lord Byron\u003c/a>!). Lord M is like, \u003cem>Um, yeah. Thanks for bringing that up.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is the Royal Coronation Ball. Everyone who's anyone is in attendance... except for Lord M, who is crying in the dark at his house, while smelling a lock of hair. Yikes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before heading into the ballroom, Sir John, who's still allowed to live in the palace for some reason, reminds Victoria to not get too wasted or do anything slutty. Victoria is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-25.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58697\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-25.gif\" alt=\"giphy-25\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It wouldn't be a ball without a few scandals:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Scandal #1:\u003c/strong> The servants swapped out all the beeswax candles for cheap tallow candles, which are dripping wax all over the guests.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Scandal #2:\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_II_of_Russia\">Alexander II\u003c/a>, the son of the Russian Emperor, gets a bit too handsy with Victoria, while dancing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The latter is broken up, thanks to Lord M (who dried his tears and showed up, after all). Victoria deals with being groped by chugging lots of champagne and basically confessing her love for Lord M: \"You dance so well. I wish I could dance with you every night.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Lick_your_lips.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58698\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Lick_your_lips.gif\" alt=\"lick_your_lips\" width=\"500\" height=\"187\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A little later, Governess Dictator pulls Victoria aside to Wikileak \u003cstrong>Scandal #3:\u003c/strong> Flora appears to be pregnant! And the baby is probably Sir John's!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria goes and yells at Sir John, who then calls her a drunk. Victoria's measured reply:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8.gif\" alt=\"3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some sloppy 19th century twerking, Flora interrupts Victoria on the dance floor to relay a message. The music stops just in time for everyone to hear Victoria yell, \"Mama sent \u003cem>you\u003c/em> to tell \u003cem>me\u003c/em> what to do??\" Lord M quickly escorts Victoria out and makes her go to bed before she pukes on everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria somehow doesn't have a raging hangover. She informs her mom about Flora's scandalous pregnancy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/What-Happens-When-You-Deliver-Large-Baby.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58707\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/What-Happens-When-You-Deliver-Large-Baby.gif\" alt=\"what-happens-when-you-deliver-large-baby\" width=\"400\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Flora and Sir John commiserate over not being invited to the Coronation ceremony and hating Victoria's guts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58708\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-26.gif\" alt=\"giphy-26\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Victoria is being coronated, she has ordered that Flora undergo a medical examination to prove to everyone that she's a pregnant floozy. This plan backfires when the doctors conclude Flora is \u003cem>virgo intacta\u003c/em> and actually has a huge tumor growing inside of her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Bad-This-is-bad-My-bad-Oops-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58716\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Bad-This-is-bad-My-bad-Oops-GIF.gif\" alt=\"bad-this-is-bad-my-bad-oops-gif\" width=\"468\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's evil uncle Scar sees an opportunity. He leaks the scandalous story of the Queen forcing a humiliating examination upon an innocent dying woman and calls for the powers of the crown to be turned over to him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Flora takes a turn for the worst and Victoria is pressured to hang out at her deathbed. This proves to be quite awkward and goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/baby-box-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58726\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/baby-box-gif.gif\" alt=\"baby-box-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Ummm, hiiiii. Being sick totally sucks. Want me to send you some peaches? They'll fix you right up!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora: \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58717\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy-20\" width=\"400\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Anyway, that whole exam thing was my bad. We cool?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You're going to hell. Now leave me alone so I can die.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58725\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Governess Dictator finds out about the glove-selling ring. She correctly accuses the lead maid, Mrs. Jenkins, but Babyface Maid confesses because Jesus would have also taken the blame for a random misdemeanor or something. Governess Dictator tells Victoria, who responds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/wvr.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58728\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/wvr.gif\" alt=\"wvr\" width=\"500\" height=\"337\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58727\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\" alt=\"90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares\" width=\"500\" height=\"351\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria's mom bursts in crying. Flora is dead. And she believes Victoria \"drove her to her grave.\" Victoria somehow manages to make it all about her: \u003cem>Sorry about your dead friend and all, but Sir John always makes fun of my height and you never defend me! Leave me alone!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M finds Victoria sitting at a piano, having a full-blown anxiety attack about how everyone thinks she killed a virgin. He confesses that he often wishes he was dead because his young son died some years ago, but that he pretends to be okay with this whole being alive thing, and she should too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time Victoria is in front of the public, they yell about her being a virgin murderer, but she takes Lord M's advice and cooly pretends to be OK with being alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time passes. Uncle Scar continues to travel around, talking smack about his niece and encouraging rumors that something inappropriate is going on between her and Lord M. He selflessly offers to take control of things, if needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-28.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58750\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-28.gif\" alt=\"giphy (28)\" width=\"533\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds out slavery is still a thing in the Caribbean. She's like, \u003cem>Oh, I'll just fix that then\u003c/em>. Lord M is like, \u003cem>Ha ha ha. We can't just be decent human beings, silly. We have to let a bunch of white privileged men debate the economic losses associated with letting other human beings have basic rights first.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir John bursts in and demands that Victoria give her mother the title of Queen Mother. Victoria is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58751\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7.gif\" alt=\"310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7\" width=\"499\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Governess Dictator orders men to install gas lighting. Try selling candles now, riff-raff! The workers open up a wall and AN AVALANCHE OF RATS FALLS OUT. THEY SCURRY ALL OVER THE KITCHEN. AHHHHH!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-29.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58754\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-29.gif\" alt=\"giphy (29)\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/scared02.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58753\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/scared02.gif\" alt=\"scared02\" width=\"500\" height=\"342\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-30.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58752\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-30.gif\" alt=\"giphy (30)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, the results of the slavery vote are in. By six votes, the Parliament decided enslaving people is bad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58769\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tenor.gif\" alt=\"tenor\" width=\"498\" height=\"243\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Lord M has to step down and stop talking to Victoria because his party has been weakened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/iooo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58772\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/iooo.gif\" alt=\"iooo\" width=\"251\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A wailing Victoria goes outside in the rain and uses her closed umbrella to attack hedges.\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/why.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58770\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/why.gif\" alt=\"why\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she calms down and interviews a potential replacement for the Prime Minister, the Duke of Wellington. He turns the position down because he's old and has been there, done that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19744\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo no thank you gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2hhznE3Ub1rfduvxo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19743\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2hhznE3Ub1rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo too much gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19742\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo bye gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the lead maid turns on the brand new gas line and takes her sweet time finding a flame. Her hand is consumed by a fireball. Babyface Maid runs to fetch some butter for the burn, but gets distracted by a hot chef, who says, \"You can have butter, if you like, but I can give you something better.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58780\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-face.gif\" alt=\"oprah-face\" width=\"415\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He tells her to close her eyes so he can show her \"a surprise.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then shows her his...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/732978471.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58781\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/732978471.gif\" alt=\"732978471\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...freezer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58782\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed.gif\" alt=\"1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed\" width=\"300\" height=\"171\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Victoria is mad about a new coin that makes her look like she has a double chin. Her problems are so relatable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another possible candidate for the Prime Minister position by the name of Robert Peel shows up. He says the coin looks just like her. Uh oh! He then mansplains how the British government works. Double uh oh! Then he demands that she replace her ladies with women from his political party. Triple uh oh! Victoria isn't having any of it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gtfo13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58783\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gtfo13.gif\" alt=\"gtfo13\" width=\"375\" height=\"247\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar is doing lines of 19th century coke, when Sir John comes in. They plot to convince everyone that Victoria is insane like her grandfather and unfit to rule.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria keeps trying to convince Lord M to get over himself and agree to stay Prime Minister. Lord M screams the lyrics to Taylor Swift's \"We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/JmW19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58784\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/JmW19.gif\" alt=\"JmW19\" width=\"500\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria can't sleep and decides to sit in front of a portrait of her insane grandfather. Her mother comes to hang out in a chic toilet paper headpiece.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-58787\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-15 at 1.06.29 AM\" width=\"300\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png 701w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-160x214.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-240x321.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-375x501.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-520x695.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom assures her that she won't let anyone take away her power. One way to respond is for Victoria to be chill for once and just hug her mom and say \"Thanks.\" Instead, she gives her mom a hard time for hanging out with Sir John and never protecting her in the past. Yeesh. At least she didn't bring up her \u003cem>I'm short and super sad about it\u003c/em> hang-up again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is Victoria's birthday. The hot chef presents his impressive multi-tiered cake, topped with a likeness of the Queen and her cute dog. Some kids sing \"God Save the Queen\" and Victoria talks through it. Sir John tries to give Victoria a present and she pretends he's not there. Everyone almost dies of awkwardness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens a gift from Lord M. Will it be a love letter? A lock of his hair? A nude photo?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58796\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\" alt=\"Excited-Baby-Opening-Present\" width=\"332\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a telescope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/waqrg59iicwip04mmswz.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58797\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/waqrg59iicwip04mmswz.gif\" alt=\"waqrg59iicwip04mmswz\" width=\"434\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next up: her mother's gift.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58796\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\" alt=\"Excited-Baby-Opening-Present\" width=\"332\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a copy of \u003cem>King Lear\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/dsppntmnt.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58798\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/dsppntmnt.gif\" alt=\"dsppntmnt\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With a very rude passage underlined: \"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58899\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria can even react, RATS ARE ALL OVER HER CAKE! Victoria understandably loses her sh-t.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Uncle Scar's cocaine den. He's sniffing and spinning the story with Sir John's help. She was in hysterics! Maybe she hallucinated the rats! Muahaha!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria tries to unveil her royal painting by pulling a tarp off of it. She can't manage it because she has poor upper body strength and/or is not used to doing very basic things like pulling. Lord M swoops in to help and casually says, \u003cem>Oh, hey, I'll be your Prime Minister again. Sorry about yelling Taylor Swift breakup lyrics in your face for the past couple of weeks. \u003c/em>Is he serious? All that running around for nothing? If it wasn't for his wife running off and his kid dying, I might hold a grudge, but I'll just move on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dark alley, some random tries to get Babyface Maid to sell herself and won't take no for an answer. Thankfully, the hot cook swoops in. Turns out he's been stalking her, but in the cute way. He reveals that he recognizes her from some former house of ill repute, but he doesn't care. He just wants to date. Aww (I think)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord M and Victoria gaze longingly across a room at each other. Some dude tells Lord M that this googly-eyed business won't last for long, as Victoria will soon wed. But Lord M knows that marriage doesn't mean anything. Just ask Lord Byron.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Sir John. \u003c/strong>The uncle has a scar over his eye, which means he has no choice but to be evil. What's this guy's excuse?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: William IV. \u003c/strong>I would totally watch a show about him and his 10 \"illegitimate\" children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Hot Chef. \u003c/strong>That cake was impressive. And so is his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Flora. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>If anyone has earned the right to say \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l7S1hnRPF0\">That was way harsh, Tai,\u003c/a>\" it's this virgin who can't drive.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Duh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Did the end of 'Downton Abbey' leave a void in your spirit? 'Victoria' is here to fill it.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey\u003c/a>\u003cem> or \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">Poldark\u003c/a>\u003cem> recaps of yore. Since those shows wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports. So I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with a show called \u003c/em>Victoria\u003cem>. I hope you'll join me. Let's do this!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pastel clouds greet a pleasant sunrise in the English countryside... but there's no time to appreciate that right now because there's a bunch of text on the screen! It's 1837, the year that daguerreotypes and \u003cem>Oliver Twist\u003c/em> became a thing. William IV is the king and apparently in some trouble. His niece Alexandrina is his heir.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, before we get any further, here are a few interesting things I found out about this William dude, after researching him for the past hour:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>He joined the Royal Navy at 13. While stationed in North America, George Washington tried to kidnap him!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Because William IV was so far down the line of succession (he was the third son of King George III), he decided \u003cem>Ah, screw it!\u003c/em>, shacked up with an actress with a bad reputation and had ten \"illegitimate\" kids. Get it, Willie!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>After the deaths of his father, both his older brothers, and his niece, he became an unexpected King at the ripe age of 64. Under his reign, slavery was abolished in nearly all of the British Empire and child labor was restricted. Huzzah for common decency!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>In his final months, William gave a blistering speech at a banquet about how much he hoped he wouldn't croak before his niece was of age, so that her no-good, sneaky mother wouldn't get her hands on the powers of the crown. Queen Victoria -- then Alexandrina -- burst into tears from shock. But she still thought fondly of him because he was kind of right.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>So that sets us up for what we're about to see. Back to the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A messenger arrives at Kensington Palace wearing a black armband. Our homeboy William IV is dead. Well, that was quick!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57689\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20.gif\" alt=\"giphy-20\" width=\"500\" height=\"324\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/The-African-Queen-GIF-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57690\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/The-African-Queen-GIF-1.gif\" alt=\"the-african-queen-gif-1\" width=\"500\" height=\"363\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We hardly knew ye!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm more upset about his passing than anyone at this mansion is. Some dude named Sir John is basically like, \u003cem>Ugh, finally!\u003c/em> Alexandrina is so jazzed that she walks down a set of stairs WITHOUT HOLDING ONTO HER GOVERNESS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After pretending to be bummed out about her dead uncle in front of the Archbishop for three seconds, she dances around the palace with her cute dog before heading to her room to blast the \"Bow down, b-tches!\" part of \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geEMtwkBZVk\">that Beyoncé song\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Sir John and her mother are already trying to take control, starting with the Queen's name. They both agree Alexandrina is way too ethnic and that her middle name Victoria is super lame. Elizabeth will do. Or Ann.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alexandrina interrupts: \u003cem>Um, guys? Sorry to interrupt your little planning sesh, but I just saw the Archbishop alone and I intend to handle my own business forever and ever without your help. Cool? Oh, and I went down a staircase without assistance earlier.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-21.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57705\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-21.gif\" alt=\"giphy-21\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir John and co. are horrified by the idea of a grown woman having opinions and making her own decisions:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/IVVeY.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57706\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/IVVeY.gif\" alt=\"ivvey\" width=\"360\" height=\"288\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, randoms are gossiping about how they've heard Alexandrina's tongue is too big for her mouth. Burn books were so quaint back then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, the governess tries to hold a lesson with Alexandrina, who replies with a \u003cem>Meh, I know enough. \u003c/em>The governess is bummed that she is now obsolete and must return to her native Germany, but she is quickly promoted to household dictator. The governess gleefully runs to the downstairs kitchen to be rude to all the servants for no reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later in the day, Lord Melbourne, the Prime Minister, arrives to kick it with Alexandrina. Sir John intercepts him and gives a speech about how Alexandrina is a homeschooled weirdo and needs him to be in charge of her affairs. Lord Melbourne pulls one of these:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"chappelle show diss gif\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some small talk about dolls and ugly, pumpkin-headed suitors, Lord Melbourne brings up Sir John's attempts at seizing control. Alexandrina delivers a quick and strong \u003cem>NOPE!\u003c/em> Melbourne then slyly tries to pull a fast one: \u003cem>TOTALLY, but reading stuff can be quite hard. Your itty-bitty lady brain wouldn't like it. Let me do it! \u003c/em>Alexandrina responds by throwing a Betty Friedan book at his face and burning a bra.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, okay, she didn't exactly react like that, but she did firmly say no.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/picgifs-nope-400931.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57716\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/picgifs-nope-400931.gif\" alt=\"picgifs-nope-400931\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, a bunch of Lords assemble to kiss the new Queen's hand. But before all the germ-spreading can commence, Alexandrina must give a speech. Her jealous uncle -- who, like the jealous uncle in \u003cem>The Lion King\u003c/em>, has a huge scar on his face -- interrupts to say she isn't talking loud enough. So she turns the volume and the content way up: \u003cem>Because you all are sexist and ageist as hell, you don't think I'm going to do well. Watch me.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57724\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_mhihjztjut1qbh0eio1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"238\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alexandrina goes to the balcony and proclaims herself Queen Victoria, a name change without which Prince may have never been referred to as \u003ca href=\"http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/2016/04/21/the_story_behind_prince_s_unpronounceable_love_symbol_2.html\">an unpronounceable symbol\u003c/a>. It's a major moment, yet all I can focus on is the actress' horrible colored contacts. They make her look possessed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58528\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-20-24-pm\" width=\"640\" height=\"399\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM.png 989w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-160x100.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-800x498.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-768x478.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-960x598.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-240x149.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-375x234.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.24-PM-520x324.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58529\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-19-57-pm\" width=\"640\" height=\"468\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM.png 872w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-160x117.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-800x584.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-768x561.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-240x175.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-375x274.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.19.57-PM-520x380.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58527\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM.png\" alt=\"screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-4-20-43-pm\" width=\"575\" height=\"341\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM.png 575w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-240x142.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-375x222.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-13-at-4.20.43-PM-520x308.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 575px) 100vw, 575px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, some time later, Governess Dictator hires a wide-eyed servant girl. The senior servants are royally pissed over not being consulted:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/QCMs8dUWZus'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/QCMs8dUWZus'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is hanging out with her only friends: her dolls and a portrait of her dead dad (#HomeschoolLife). Sir John bursts in, makes fun of her for still playing with dolls, and shuffles around important documents, in an attempt to convince Victoria that she didn't already fire him. When that doesn't work, he takes a more aggressive approach, by getting in Victoria's face and spitting: \"What can a girl like you -- \u003cem>unformed\u003c/em> -- possibly do to serve her country?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/she-came-that-way.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58530\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/she-came-that-way.gif\" alt=\"she-came-that-way\" width=\"245\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Calling her \"unformed\" is one thing, but insulting her best doll friends? Oh, hell nah. Victoria sets him straight by yelling: \"IF I REQUIRE ADVICE, I WILL ASK FOR IT! Sir John, you have our permission to withdraw.\" That's polite royal talk for \"GTFO and TTYN, loser.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/17028425.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58531\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/17028425.gif\" alt=\"17028425\" width=\"500\" height=\"339\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom's eye twitches, as Sir John limps backwards out of the room like a beaten puppy. Feminist Teen Queens: 1; Men Who Think Rocking Mutton Chops Makes Them Hot: 0.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid tries to mend some fancy gloves. Her boss tells her not to bother; the Queen never wears a pair more than once. Okay, Victoria seems chill and all, but I can see why head-chopping revolutions happen. The servants have their own way of sticking it to The Man though; they secretly sell the Queen's gloves, shoes, and other accessories, and pocket the money. Power to the ballsy, poor people! Get them coins!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-32.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58802\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-32.gif\" alt=\"giphy (32)\" width=\"500\" height=\"452\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Victoria whines. \u003cem>Sir John is, like, sooo annoying! And mom's other friend, Flora, walked into my room without knocking!\u003c/em> If this were a century or two earlier, Victoria would simply have them both killed, but it's the 19th century, so she decides to just move to a bigger mansion -- the recently-completed Buckingham Palace -- where she can keep them sequestered in whichever wing gets the least natural light. All is fair in love and real estate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And now, it's time for a montage of everyone we've met so far running around the new digs, freaking out over all the chandeliers, and chanting, \"Started from the bottom, now we're here!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid spots Victoria for the first time and is so dumbfounded that she blurts out this dumb statement: \"She is small, but she ain't no midget.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58801\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/short.gif\" alt=\"short\" width=\"470\" height=\"188\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, the Prime Minister eases Victoria's worries that no one takes her seriously because of her height by declaring: \"Anyone who dares comment on your stature should be sent straight to the Tower!\" (Sayonara, Babyface!) Victoria rewards him for waging a war against heightists -- and for being sort of sexy, if you squint a little -- by giving him a cute nickname -- Lord M -- and allowing him to be her Private Secretary.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58800\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_n9yz2e80Qt1tp719lo1_r1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Victoria's mom is really bummed that she and her friends have been put in the North Wing, far away from Victoria's room in the South Wing (#FirstWorldProblems). Sir John takes the opportunity to play a few more B-sides from his Victoria-is-a-stupid-shrimpy-loser broken record, only to be interrupted by the Queen herself. Sir John pounces and tries to make Victoria pick her maids-of-honor on the spot. Victoria gives him the silent treatment and a look that says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36234\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/anigif_enhanced-4773-1430938663-26.gif\" alt=\"get off my jock gif bethenny\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not taking the hint, Flora pulls out a list of potential girls and ensures that none of them are tall whores. Victoria doubles down on her request for everyone to get off her jock:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58681\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif.gif\" alt=\"i-just-want-you-off-my-jock-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria tells Babyface Maid she wants to change things up with an \u003cem>au courant\u003c/em> hairstyle. Babyface Maid doesn't know what\u003cem> au courant\u003c/em> means, despite telling all the servants earlier that she has studied French. So she's a liar \u003cem>and\u003c/em> hates short people. Got it. They end up going with braids that go under and around the ears, which soon became the 19th century version of \u003ca href=\"http://parade.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Jennifer-Aniston-The-Rachel-Hairstyle-ftr.jpg\">The Rachel\u003c/a>™.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few days later, Flora continues to pester Victoria. Apparently, Victoria accidentally turned her back on some troops.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"No one mentioned this to me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003c/strong> \"I assure you, they noticed, but no one likes to correct their monarch, ma'am.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Except for you, evidently.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-24.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58689\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-24.gif\" alt=\"giphy-24\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the palace, Governess Dictator is yelling at a servant for wasting too much money on beeswax candles. She doesn't know the help is selling them off, along with all the Queen's other once-used belongings, but something tells me she will soon and the reckoning will be glorious.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Days later, Victoria and Lord M are trotting around on horses and chatting about how everyone thinks they're bumping uglies. Victoria asks if the reason he's single is because he's still clinically depressed about his wife running away with Lord Byron and then dying (yes, that \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Byron\">Lord Byron\u003c/a>!). Lord M is like, \u003cem>Um, yeah. Thanks for bringing that up.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is the Royal Coronation Ball. Everyone who's anyone is in attendance... except for Lord M, who is crying in the dark at his house, while smelling a lock of hair. Yikes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before heading into the ballroom, Sir John, who's still allowed to live in the palace for some reason, reminds Victoria to not get too wasted or do anything slutty. Victoria is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-25.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58697\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-25.gif\" alt=\"giphy-25\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It wouldn't be a ball without a few scandals:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Scandal #1:\u003c/strong> The servants swapped out all the beeswax candles for cheap tallow candles, which are dripping wax all over the guests.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Scandal #2:\u003c/strong> \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_II_of_Russia\">Alexander II\u003c/a>, the son of the Russian Emperor, gets a bit too handsy with Victoria, while dancing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The latter is broken up, thanks to Lord M (who dried his tears and showed up, after all). Victoria deals with being groped by chugging lots of champagne and basically confessing her love for Lord M: \"You dance so well. I wish I could dance with you every night.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Lick_your_lips.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58698\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Lick_your_lips.gif\" alt=\"lick_your_lips\" width=\"500\" height=\"187\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A little later, Governess Dictator pulls Victoria aside to Wikileak \u003cstrong>Scandal #3:\u003c/strong> Flora appears to be pregnant! And the baby is probably Sir John's!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria goes and yells at Sir John, who then calls her a drunk. Victoria's measured reply:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58699\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8.gif\" alt=\"3d34e403-b4c9-45bd-8c93-91efec18a2a8\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some sloppy 19th century twerking, Flora interrupts Victoria on the dance floor to relay a message. The music stops just in time for everyone to hear Victoria yell, \"Mama sent \u003cem>you\u003c/em> to tell \u003cem>me\u003c/em> what to do??\" Lord M quickly escorts Victoria out and makes her go to bed before she pukes on everyone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria somehow doesn't have a raging hangover. She informs her mom about Flora's scandalous pregnancy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/What-Happens-When-You-Deliver-Large-Baby.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58707\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/What-Happens-When-You-Deliver-Large-Baby.gif\" alt=\"what-happens-when-you-deliver-large-baby\" width=\"400\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Flora and Sir John commiserate over not being invited to the Coronation ceremony and hating Victoria's guts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-26.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58708\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-26.gif\" alt=\"giphy-26\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Victoria is being coronated, she has ordered that Flora undergo a medical examination to prove to everyone that she's a pregnant floozy. This plan backfires when the doctors conclude Flora is \u003cem>virgo intacta\u003c/em> and actually has a huge tumor growing inside of her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Bad-This-is-bad-My-bad-Oops-GIF.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58716\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Bad-This-is-bad-My-bad-Oops-GIF.gif\" alt=\"bad-this-is-bad-my-bad-oops-gif\" width=\"468\" height=\"263\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's evil uncle Scar sees an opportunity. He leaks the scandalous story of the Queen forcing a humiliating examination upon an innocent dying woman and calls for the powers of the crown to be turned over to him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Flora takes a turn for the worst and Victoria is pressured to hang out at her deathbed. This proves to be quite awkward and goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/baby-box-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58726\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/baby-box-gif.gif\" alt=\"baby-box-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Ummm, hiiiii. Being sick totally sucks. Want me to send you some peaches? They'll fix you right up!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora: \u003c/strong>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20-1.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58717\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-20-1.gif\" alt=\"giphy-20\" width=\"400\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Anyway, that whole exam thing was my bad. We cool?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Flora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You're going to hell. Now leave me alone so I can die.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58725\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m15vqg8mRd1r5aheq\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Governess Dictator finds out about the glove-selling ring. She correctly accuses the lead maid, Mrs. Jenkins, but Babyface Maid confesses because Jesus would have also taken the blame for a random misdemeanor or something. Governess Dictator tells Victoria, who responds:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/wvr.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58728\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/wvr.gif\" alt=\"wvr\" width=\"500\" height=\"337\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58727\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares.gif\" alt=\"90081_idgaf-i-dont-care-christina-aguilera-nobody-cares\" width=\"500\" height=\"351\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Victoria's mom bursts in crying. Flora is dead. And she believes Victoria \"drove her to her grave.\" Victoria somehow manages to make it all about her: \u003cem>Sorry about your dead friend and all, but Sir John always makes fun of my height and you never defend me! Leave me alone!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Lord M finds Victoria sitting at a piano, having a full-blown anxiety attack about how everyone thinks she killed a virgin. He confesses that he often wishes he was dead because his young son died some years ago, but that he pretends to be okay with this whole being alive thing, and she should too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time Victoria is in front of the public, they yell about her being a virgin murderer, but she takes Lord M's advice and cooly pretends to be OK with being alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some time passes. Uncle Scar continues to travel around, talking smack about his niece and encouraging rumors that something inappropriate is going on between her and Lord M. He selflessly offers to take control of things, if needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-28.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58750\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-28.gif\" alt=\"giphy (28)\" width=\"533\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds out slavery is still a thing in the Caribbean. She's like, \u003cem>Oh, I'll just fix that then\u003c/em>. Lord M is like, \u003cem>Ha ha ha. We can't just be decent human beings, silly. We have to let a bunch of white privileged men debate the economic losses associated with letting other human beings have basic rights first.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sir John bursts in and demands that Victoria give her mother the title of Queen Mother. Victoria is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58751\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7.gif\" alt=\"310bd726b77ad245d304a77f78b459f7\" width=\"499\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Governess Dictator orders men to install gas lighting. Try selling candles now, riff-raff! The workers open up a wall and AN AVALANCHE OF RATS FALLS OUT. THEY SCURRY ALL OVER THE KITCHEN. AHHHHH!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-29.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58754\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-29.gif\" alt=\"giphy (29)\" width=\"500\" height=\"273\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/scared02.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58753\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/scared02.gif\" alt=\"scared02\" width=\"500\" height=\"342\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-30.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58752\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-30.gif\" alt=\"giphy (30)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, the results of the slavery vote are in. By six votes, the Parliament decided enslaving people is bad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tenor.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58769\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tenor.gif\" alt=\"tenor\" width=\"498\" height=\"243\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Lord M has to step down and stop talking to Victoria because his party has been weakened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/iooo.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58772\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/iooo.gif\" alt=\"iooo\" width=\"251\" height=\"251\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A wailing Victoria goes outside in the rain and uses her closed umbrella to attack hedges.\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/why.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58770\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/why.gif\" alt=\"why\" width=\"245\" height=\"160\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she calms down and interviews a potential replacement for the Prime Minister, the Duke of Wellington. He turns the position down because he's old and has been there, done that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-8.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19744\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo no thank you gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2hhznE3Ub1rfduvxo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19743\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2hhznE3Ub1rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo too much gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19742\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"honey boo boo bye gif\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the lead maid turns on the brand new gas line and takes her sweet time finding a flame. Her hand is consumed by a fireball. Babyface Maid runs to fetch some butter for the burn, but gets distracted by a hot chef, who says, \"You can have butter, if you like, but I can give you something better.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58780\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/oprah-face.gif\" alt=\"oprah-face\" width=\"415\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He tells her to close her eyes so he can show her \"a surprise.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then shows her his...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/732978471.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58781\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/732978471.gif\" alt=\"732978471\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...freezer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58782\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed.gif\" alt=\"1478238113-oprah-winfrey-notimpressed\" width=\"300\" height=\"171\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Victoria is mad about a new coin that makes her look like she has a double chin. Her problems are so relatable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another possible candidate for the Prime Minister position by the name of Robert Peel shows up. He says the coin looks just like her. Uh oh! He then mansplains how the British government works. Double uh oh! Then he demands that she replace her ladies with women from his political party. Triple uh oh! Victoria isn't having any of it:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gtfo13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58783\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/gtfo13.gif\" alt=\"gtfo13\" width=\"375\" height=\"247\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Uncle Scar is doing lines of 19th century coke, when Sir John comes in. They plot to convince everyone that Victoria is insane like her grandfather and unfit to rule.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria keeps trying to convince Lord M to get over himself and agree to stay Prime Minister. Lord M screams the lyrics to Taylor Swift's \"We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/JmW19.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58784\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/JmW19.gif\" alt=\"JmW19\" width=\"500\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria can't sleep and decides to sit in front of a portrait of her insane grandfather. Her mother comes to hang out in a chic toilet paper headpiece.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-58787\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png\" alt=\"Screen Shot 2017-01-15 at 1.06.29 AM\" width=\"300\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM.png 701w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-160x214.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-240x321.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-375x501.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-15-at-1.06.29-AM-520x695.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom assures her that she won't let anyone take away her power. One way to respond is for Victoria to be chill for once and just hug her mom and say \"Thanks.\" Instead, she gives her mom a hard time for hanging out with Sir John and never protecting her in the past. Yeesh. At least she didn't bring up her \u003cem>I'm short and super sad about it\u003c/em> hang-up again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day is Victoria's birthday. The hot chef presents his impressive multi-tiered cake, topped with a likeness of the Queen and her cute dog. Some kids sing \"God Save the Queen\" and Victoria talks through it. Sir John tries to give Victoria a present and she pretends he's not there. Everyone almost dies of awkwardness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria opens a gift from Lord M. Will it be a love letter? A lock of his hair? A nude photo?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58796\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\" alt=\"Excited-Baby-Opening-Present\" width=\"332\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a telescope.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/waqrg59iicwip04mmswz.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-58797\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/waqrg59iicwip04mmswz.gif\" alt=\"waqrg59iicwip04mmswz\" width=\"434\" height=\"261\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next up: her mother's gift.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58796\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Excited-Baby-Opening-Present.gif\" alt=\"Excited-Baby-Opening-Present\" width=\"332\" height=\"240\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a copy of \u003cem>King Lear\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/dsppntmnt.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58798\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/dsppntmnt.gif\" alt=\"dsppntmnt\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With a very rude passage underlined: \"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-58899\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria can even react, RATS ARE ALL OVER HER CAKE! Victoria understandably loses her sh-t.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Uncle Scar's cocaine den. He's sniffing and spinning the story with Sir John's help. She was in hysterics! Maybe she hallucinated the rats! Muahaha!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria tries to unveil her royal painting by pulling a tarp off of it. She can't manage it because she has poor upper body strength and/or is not used to doing very basic things like pulling. Lord M swoops in to help and casually says, \u003cem>Oh, hey, I'll be your Prime Minister again. Sorry about yelling Taylor Swift breakup lyrics in your face for the past couple of weeks. \u003c/em>Is he serious? All that running around for nothing? If it wasn't for his wife running off and his kid dying, I might hold a grudge, but I'll just move on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dark alley, some random tries to get Babyface Maid to sell herself and won't take no for an answer. Thankfully, the hot cook swoops in. Turns out he's been stalking her, but in the cute way. He reveals that he recognizes her from some former house of ill repute, but he doesn't care. He just wants to date. Aww (I think)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord M and Victoria gaze longingly across a room at each other. Some dude tells Lord M that this googly-eyed business won't last for long, as Victoria will soon wed. But Lord M knows that marriage doesn't mean anything. Just ask Lord Byron.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Sir John. \u003c/strong>The uncle has a scar over his eye, which means he has no choice but to be evil. What's this guy's excuse?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: William IV. \u003c/strong>I would totally watch a show about him and his 10 \"illegitimate\" children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Hot Chef. \u003c/strong>That cake was impressive. And so is his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003cstrong>Flora. \u003c/strong>\u003c/strong>If anyone has earned the right to say \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l7S1hnRPF0\">That was way harsh, Tai,\u003c/a>\" it's this virgin who can't drive.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Duh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Until next week! If you miss me, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/author/ehapsis/\">read some of my other work \u003c/a>or \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "Outraged By Joseph Fiennes Playing Michael Jackson? TV Producers Were Banking On It",
"title": "Outraged By Joseph Fiennes Playing Michael Jackson? TV Producers Were Banking On It",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>For an entire year now, widespread outrage has been bubbling up online over the decision to cast Joseph Fiennes -- a man most of us associate with English period dramas, like his most famous film, \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0138097/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_33\">Shakespeare in Love\u003c/a>\u003c/em> -- as Michael Jackson in an upcoming TV show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Last January, when very valid accusations of whitewashing first hit social media, Fiennes told \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.etonline.com/news/180946_joseph_fiennes_shocked_he_was_cast_to_portray_michael_jackson/\">Entertainment Tonight\u003c/a>\u003c/em>: \"I'm a white, middle-class guy from London. I’m as shocked as you may be,\" followed by a statement that Jackson \"was probably closer to my color than his original color\" because of a \"pigmentation issue.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This week, as photos emerged of what Fiennes looks like in full MJ make-up, the anger only increased from bloggers and fans, culminating in a \u003ca href=\"http://www.thepetitionsite.com/712/071/341/\">petition to boycott\u003c/a> the show. Michael's daughter, \u003ca href=\"http://jezebel.com/paris-jackson-is-not-happy-about-joseph-fiennes-s-portr-1791112588?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow\">Paris, \u003c/a>also weighed in: \"I’m so incredibly offended by it, as i’m sure plenty of people are as well, and it honestly makes me want to vomit. It angers me to see how obviously intentional it was for them to be this insulting.\" Michael's nephew, Taj, also referred to it as \"\u003ca href=\"http://www.eonline.com/news/821604/michael-jackson-s-nephew-taj-jackson-calls-joseph-fiennes-casting-blatant-disrespect\">blatant disrespect.\u003c/a>\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Faced with this image, who could possibly blame them?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-58380\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-800x444.png\" alt=\"michael\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-1920x1067.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-1180x656.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-520x289.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On closer inspection, however, it becomes clear that, if the producers hadn't opted to cast a white Englishman in the role of Michael Jackson, it's probable that no one in America would have ever even heard about \"\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5320014/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_2\">Elizabeth, Michael and Marlon\u003c/a>.\" Not only is this thing not a biopic, it's not even a movie. \"Elizabeth, Michael and Marlon\" is just an episode of a surrealist television series, titled \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sky.com/watch/channel/sky-arts/urban-myths\">Urban Myths\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, that will be aired on a \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sky_Arts\">relatively obscure\u003c/a> British cable channel named \u003ca href=\"https://www.sky.com/watch/channel/sky-arts\">Sky Arts\u003c/a>. (\u003cstrong>Update:\u003c/strong> Due to the controversy, the episode has \u003ca href=\"https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/jan/13/sky-pulls-broadcast-of-show-that-cast-white-actor-as-michael-jackson-joseph-fiennes-urban-myths\">now been pulled\u003c/a>.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As such, it's hard to feel like this particularly offensive casting decision was made for any reason other than to specifically draw an inflated amount of attention to this bizarre TV show. The fact that Sky Arts gave us a full 12 months to get annoyed about it suggests much calculation on the channel's part.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To give you some idea of what we're dealing with, here's the full \u003cem>Urban Myths\u003c/em> trailer, complete with jaunty please-don't-take-this-seriously music and an appearance by \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3701064/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">Iwan Rheon\u003c/a> (Ramsay Bolton from \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>) playing -- yes -- Adolf Hitler.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe src=\"//players.brightcove.net/769341148/E1zVmpNYx_default/index.html?videoId=5277428302001\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To put it bluntly, this is nothing that any of us should be paying attention to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Whitewashing roles and minimizing options for actors of color is an ongoing problem on far bigger stages than this, as demonstrated by \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0158632/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1\">Margaret Cho\u003c/a>’s recent \u003ca href=\"http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2016/12/tilda-swinton-margaret-cho-emails\">spat\u003c/a> with \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0842770/?ref_=tt_cl_t6\">Tilda Swinton\u003c/a> over the latter portraying The Ancient One -- a role usually inhabited by an Asian male -- in \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1211837/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_5\">Doctor Strange\u003c/a>\u003c/em>. Remember when Angelina Jolie played Marianne Pearl, a real-life woman of Afro-Cuban descent, in \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0829459/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">A Mighty Heart\u003c/a>\u003c/em>? How about in 2015 when Juliette Binoche portrayed a Chilean woman in \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2006295/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">\u003cem>The 33\u003c/em>\u003c/a>? Or in 2014 when Christian Bale \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1528100/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">played Moses\u003c/a>, and 2010 when Jake Gyllenhaal was the leading man in a movie called \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0473075/?ref_=nv_sr_3\">The Prince of Persia\u003c/a>\u003c/em>? How about when Liam Neeson was Ra’s Al Ghul, a character of Arabian descent, in \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1345836/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">The Dark Knight Rises\u003c/a>\u003c/em>? We could drag this all the way back to Mickey Rooney's portrayal of a Japanese immigrant in \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054698/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">Breakfast at Tiffany's\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, but, frankly, we'd be here all day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Truthfully, a large swath of the outrage directed at \u003cem>Urban Myths\u003c/em> probably has more to do with the present-day culturally pervasive idea that Michael Jackson must be protected and held sacred at all costs than it does with the racist casting issue.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jackson was the butt of cruel jokes throughout his career, but since his premature death from a Propofol overdose in 2009, there is an underlying guilt in the public consciousness that, just perhaps, we could've gone a little easier on poor, perpetually vulnerable Michael Jackson. (This notion persists, despite Jackson's ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley asserting in a prominent \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrVLbP8uyEE\">2003 interview\u003c/a> that \"he has some idea about how he should represent himself in public… which is sort of the meek, victim-y, quiet thing that he does, which is not anything like how he really is.\")\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Of course, Jackson had unshakeable defenders during his lifetime -- like those fans that cheered him on as he (inappropriately) climbed on top of a car outside the courthouse, before the first day of his \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trial_of_Michael_Jackson\">2005 child molestation trial\u003c/a> -- but the truth is, most of us laughed at his expense at some point during his strange and spectacular life, and we just don't feel okay about doing it after his death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Jackson's friend Princess Diana died tragically in a car accident in 1997, pursued relentlessly by paparazzi, theories emerged that the gigantic public outpouring of grief that followed in the U.K. was rooted in \u003ca href=\"http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1584072/Losing-Princess-Diana-Where-the-guilt-lies.html\">guilt\u003c/a> that the public's appetite for Diana-based gossip had somehow contributed to her death. Similarly, while racism is definitely an issue when it comes to Fiennes' portrayal of Jackson in \u003cem>Urban Myths\u003c/em>, it's possible that this outcry is particularly inflamed because every time we see Jackson's surgery-ravaged face, we feel partially responsible for it. When a third party is mimicking it, it only entrenches the sensation.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Urban Myths\u003c/em>’ decision to cast a white British man as Michael Jackson was undoubtedly a cynical one, designed to garner maximum publicity. Our willingness to respond with such outrage isn't just predictable, it also somehow misses the bigger picture.\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Michael Jackson's daughter, Paris, on the depiction: \"It angers me to see how obviously intentional it was for them to be this insulting.\"",
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"description": "Michael Jackson's daughter, Paris, on the depiction: "It angers me to see how obviously intentional it was for them to be this insulting."",
"title": "Outraged By Joseph Fiennes Playing Michael Jackson? TV Producers Were Banking On It | KQED",
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"headline": "Outraged By Joseph Fiennes Playing Michael Jackson? TV Producers Were Banking On It",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>For an entire year now, widespread outrage has been bubbling up online over the decision to cast Joseph Fiennes -- a man most of us associate with English period dramas, like his most famous film, \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0138097/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_33\">Shakespeare in Love\u003c/a>\u003c/em> -- as Michael Jackson in an upcoming TV show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Last January, when very valid accusations of whitewashing first hit social media, Fiennes told \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.etonline.com/news/180946_joseph_fiennes_shocked_he_was_cast_to_portray_michael_jackson/\">Entertainment Tonight\u003c/a>\u003c/em>: \"I'm a white, middle-class guy from London. I’m as shocked as you may be,\" followed by a statement that Jackson \"was probably closer to my color than his original color\" because of a \"pigmentation issue.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This week, as photos emerged of what Fiennes looks like in full MJ make-up, the anger only increased from bloggers and fans, culminating in a \u003ca href=\"http://www.thepetitionsite.com/712/071/341/\">petition to boycott\u003c/a> the show. Michael's daughter, \u003ca href=\"http://jezebel.com/paris-jackson-is-not-happy-about-joseph-fiennes-s-portr-1791112588?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow\">Paris, \u003c/a>also weighed in: \"I’m so incredibly offended by it, as i’m sure plenty of people are as well, and it honestly makes me want to vomit. It angers me to see how obviously intentional it was for them to be this insulting.\" Michael's nephew, Taj, also referred to it as \"\u003ca href=\"http://www.eonline.com/news/821604/michael-jackson-s-nephew-taj-jackson-calls-joseph-fiennes-casting-blatant-disrespect\">blatant disrespect.\u003c/a>\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Faced with this image, who could possibly blame them?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-58380\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-800x444.png\" alt=\"michael\" width=\"800\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-800x444.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-1920x1067.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-1180x656.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-960x533.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-672x372.png 672w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-240x133.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-375x208.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/Michael-520x289.png 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On closer inspection, however, it becomes clear that, if the producers hadn't opted to cast a white Englishman in the role of Michael Jackson, it's probable that no one in America would have ever even heard about \"\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5320014/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_2\">Elizabeth, Michael and Marlon\u003c/a>.\" Not only is this thing not a biopic, it's not even a movie. \"Elizabeth, Michael and Marlon\" is just an episode of a surrealist television series, titled \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sky.com/watch/channel/sky-arts/urban-myths\">Urban Myths\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, that will be aired on a \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sky_Arts\">relatively obscure\u003c/a> British cable channel named \u003ca href=\"https://www.sky.com/watch/channel/sky-arts\">Sky Arts\u003c/a>. (\u003cstrong>Update:\u003c/strong> Due to the controversy, the episode has \u003ca href=\"https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/jan/13/sky-pulls-broadcast-of-show-that-cast-white-actor-as-michael-jackson-joseph-fiennes-urban-myths\">now been pulled\u003c/a>.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As such, it's hard to feel like this particularly offensive casting decision was made for any reason other than to specifically draw an inflated amount of attention to this bizarre TV show. The fact that Sky Arts gave us a full 12 months to get annoyed about it suggests much calculation on the channel's part.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To give you some idea of what we're dealing with, here's the full \u003cem>Urban Myths\u003c/em> trailer, complete with jaunty please-don't-take-this-seriously music and an appearance by \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3701064/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">Iwan Rheon\u003c/a> (Ramsay Bolton from \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>) playing -- yes -- Adolf Hitler.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe src=\"//players.brightcove.net/769341148/E1zVmpNYx_default/index.html?videoId=5277428302001\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To put it bluntly, this is nothing that any of us should be paying attention to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Whitewashing roles and minimizing options for actors of color is an ongoing problem on far bigger stages than this, as demonstrated by \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0158632/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1\">Margaret Cho\u003c/a>’s recent \u003ca href=\"http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2016/12/tilda-swinton-margaret-cho-emails\">spat\u003c/a> with \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0842770/?ref_=tt_cl_t6\">Tilda Swinton\u003c/a> over the latter portraying The Ancient One -- a role usually inhabited by an Asian male -- in \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1211837/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_5\">Doctor Strange\u003c/a>\u003c/em>. Remember when Angelina Jolie played Marianne Pearl, a real-life woman of Afro-Cuban descent, in \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0829459/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">A Mighty Heart\u003c/a>\u003c/em>? How about in 2015 when Juliette Binoche portrayed a Chilean woman in \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2006295/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">\u003cem>The 33\u003c/em>\u003c/a>? Or in 2014 when Christian Bale \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1528100/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">played Moses\u003c/a>, and 2010 when Jake Gyllenhaal was the leading man in a movie called \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0473075/?ref_=nv_sr_3\">The Prince of Persia\u003c/a>\u003c/em>? How about when Liam Neeson was Ra’s Al Ghul, a character of Arabian descent, in \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1345836/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">The Dark Knight Rises\u003c/a>\u003c/em>? We could drag this all the way back to Mickey Rooney's portrayal of a Japanese immigrant in \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054698/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">Breakfast at Tiffany's\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, but, frankly, we'd be here all day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Truthfully, a large swath of the outrage directed at \u003cem>Urban Myths\u003c/em> probably has more to do with the present-day culturally pervasive idea that Michael Jackson must be protected and held sacred at all costs than it does with the racist casting issue.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jackson was the butt of cruel jokes throughout his career, but since his premature death from a Propofol overdose in 2009, there is an underlying guilt in the public consciousness that, just perhaps, we could've gone a little easier on poor, perpetually vulnerable Michael Jackson. (This notion persists, despite Jackson's ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley asserting in a prominent \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrVLbP8uyEE\">2003 interview\u003c/a> that \"he has some idea about how he should represent himself in public… which is sort of the meek, victim-y, quiet thing that he does, which is not anything like how he really is.\")\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Of course, Jackson had unshakeable defenders during his lifetime -- like those fans that cheered him on as he (inappropriately) climbed on top of a car outside the courthouse, before the first day of his \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trial_of_Michael_Jackson\">2005 child molestation trial\u003c/a> -- but the truth is, most of us laughed at his expense at some point during his strange and spectacular life, and we just don't feel okay about doing it after his death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Jackson's friend Princess Diana died tragically in a car accident in 1997, pursued relentlessly by paparazzi, theories emerged that the gigantic public outpouring of grief that followed in the U.K. was rooted in \u003ca href=\"http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1584072/Losing-Princess-Diana-Where-the-guilt-lies.html\">guilt\u003c/a> that the public's appetite for Diana-based gossip had somehow contributed to her death. Similarly, while racism is definitely an issue when it comes to Fiennes' portrayal of Jackson in \u003cem>Urban Myths\u003c/em>, it's possible that this outcry is particularly inflamed because every time we see Jackson's surgery-ravaged face, we feel partially responsible for it. When a third party is mimicking it, it only entrenches the sensation.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Urban Myths\u003c/em>’ decision to cast a white British man as Michael Jackson was undoubtedly a cynical one, designed to garner maximum publicity. Our willingness to respond with such outrage isn't just predictable, it also somehow misses the bigger picture.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "The Very Best Gifs from the 2017 Golden Globes",
"title": "The Very Best Gifs from the 2017 Golden Globes",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"OBMoZDDFo4bYrfjVWvhx2OeiszItXIQv\"]If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face. Here are the gifs from last night’s Golden Globe Awards that will be finding their way into your texts and gchats soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kerry Washington got things started on the red carpet by serving up a hot helping of \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://genius.com/8640189\" target=\"_blank\">I-did-not-come-to-play-with-you-hoes-I-came-to-slay\u003c/a> \u003c/em>vibes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57549\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-5.gif\" alt=\"giphy-5\" width=\"480\" height=\"257\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Denzel Washington also did not come to play with you hoes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57550\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\" alt=\"giphy-4\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, did Cuba Gooding Jr. admit that he's a blackout drunk? Stars: They're Just Like Us!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57551\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy-3\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The opening skit was dominated by cringe-y peas-in-a-pod Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake, but one good thing came out of it: Barb's resurrection!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57539\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-15.gif\" alt=\"giphy-15\" width=\"480\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57538\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-16.gif\" alt=\"giphy-16\" width=\"480\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you don't know who she is:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. I feel bad for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. You have \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/08/can-disagreeing-over-stranger-things-lead-to-divorce-probably/\">some homework to do\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the early awards went to\u003cem> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/12/last-nights-atlanta-surreal-and-provoking-in-all-the-right-ways/\">Atlanta\u003c/a>\u003c/em> for \"Best Television Series: Musical or Comedy.\" And \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/12/12/watch-atlanta-star-keith-stanfield-pull-a-kanye-at-last-nights-critics-choice-awards/\">Keith Stanfield\u003c/a> won the award for \"Best Uncontrollable Hula Hoop Victory Dance.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57535\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/atlanta.nocrop.w529.h482.gif\" alt=\"atlanta-nocrop-w529-h482\" width=\"390\" height=\"335\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Golden Globes are the cool mom of award shows because there are bottomless bottles of Moët and complimentary snacks. \u003cem>Crazy Ex-Girlfriend\u003c/em>’s Rachel Bloom was feeling it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57537\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphyblloom.gif.CROP_.original-original.gif\" alt=\"giphyblloom-gif-crop-original-original\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm not a mathematician, but it seems as though the formula to becoming approximately 542% more attractive consists of picking up your five-year-old costar, while already being pretty hot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/lion.nocrop.w529.h318.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57534\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/lion.nocrop.w529.h318.gif\" alt=\"lion-nocrop-w529-h318\" width=\"529\" height=\"299\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/atlanta.nocrop.w529.h482.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>Are you wondering if Cuba made good on his promise to drink himself into oblivion? Well, judging by the following gif of him screaming (twice!) into Sarah Paulson's ear, he's a man of his word. (Felicity Huffman appears to be his drinking buddy.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57546\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"giphy-8\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tom Hiddleston, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/06/how-summer-nights-from-grease-foretold-taylor-swift-and-tom-hiddlestons-entire-relationship-and-break-up/\">a.k.a. Taylor Swift's ex\u003c/a>, won an award over people like Courtney B. Vance and Bryan Cranston for some reason, and proceeded to deliver an embarrassing speech that boiled down to \u003cem>I went to Africa one time and people there recognized me.\u003c/em> Christian Slater's face said it all.\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-16.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-15.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-14.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57540\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-14.gif\" alt=\"giphy-14\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of awkward, Emma Stone almost accidentally initiated a threesome.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57542\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-12.gif\" alt=\"giphy-12\" width=\"472\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, her ex Andrew Garfield was getting it on with Ryan Reynolds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_ojhyyhRoZg1qaji3vo1_540.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57566\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_ojhyyhRoZg1qaji3vo1_540.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_ojhyyhrozg1qaji3vo1_540\" width=\"540\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's going on with Hugh Laurie? Choose your own adventure:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. His leg is asleep.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. He had too many tequila shots with Cuba.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>C. He just remembered he left the stove on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>D. His edible just kicked in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57547\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-7.gif\" alt=\"giphy-7\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the same amused/confused face Ryan Gosling makes every time I send him inappropriate photos and locks of my hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57548\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-6.gif\" alt=\"giphy-6\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But enough about me and more about Viola Davis, who was not only excited about winning for her work in \u003cem>Fences\u003c/em>, but downright giddy over being in Dame Meryl Streep's presence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57541\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\" alt=\"giphy-13\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And she was not alone. Everyone was exclaiming \u003cem>Yaaaas, queen!\u003c/em> in their heads.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-12.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57552\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ezgif.com-afc0e5b1bb.gif\" alt=\"ezgif-com-afc0e5b1bb\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>But, to Meryl, it was just another day in the neighborhood. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57544\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"giphy-10\" width=\"472\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-5.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>And that’s all he wrote. See y’all next month for the Grammys and Oscars! Until then, relive gifs of award shows past:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/02/29/the-very-best-gifs-from-the-2016-oscars/\">The Very Best Gifs from the 2016 Oscars\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>[embedly_js]\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2015/02/09/the-very-best-gifs-from-the-2015-grammys/\">The Very Best Gifs from the 2015 Grammys\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2015/01/12/the-very-best-gifs-from-the-2015-golden-globes\">The Very Best Gifs from the 2015 Golden Globes\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/the-very-best-gifs-from-2015-oscars-academy-awards\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2014/03/03/the-only-oscar-moments-worth-talking-about-2014-edition\">The Only Oscar Moments Worth Talking About (2014 Edition)\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I guess that means I'm kind of nuts because, every year, I think the Oscars won't be super duper boring and they always are, except for those brief rays of light that keep us coming back for more.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2013/02/25/the-only-oscar-moments-worth-talking-about\">The Only Oscar Moments Worth Talking About\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I guess that means I'm kind of nuts because, every year, I think the Oscars won't be super duper boring and they always are, except for those brief rays of light that keep us coming back for more.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "From drunk Cuba Gooding Jr. to the resurrection of Barb to Ryan Gosling being smoking hot on a loop, it's all here!",
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"title": "The Very Best Gifs from the 2017 Golden Globes | KQED",
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"headline": "The Very Best Gifs from the 2017 Golden Globes",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face. Here are the gifs from last night’s Golden Globe Awards that will be finding their way into your texts and gchats soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kerry Washington got things started on the red carpet by serving up a hot helping of \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://genius.com/8640189\" target=\"_blank\">I-did-not-come-to-play-with-you-hoes-I-came-to-slay\u003c/a> \u003c/em>vibes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-5.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57549\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-5.gif\" alt=\"giphy-5\" width=\"480\" height=\"257\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Denzel Washington also did not come to play with you hoes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57550\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-4.gif\" alt=\"giphy-4\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, did Cuba Gooding Jr. admit that he's a blackout drunk? Stars: They're Just Like Us!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57551\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-3.gif\" alt=\"giphy-3\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The opening skit was dominated by cringe-y peas-in-a-pod Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake, but one good thing came out of it: Barb's resurrection!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57539\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-15.gif\" alt=\"giphy-15\" width=\"480\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57538\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-16.gif\" alt=\"giphy-16\" width=\"480\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you don't know who she is:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. I feel bad for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. You have \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/08/can-disagreeing-over-stranger-things-lead-to-divorce-probably/\">some homework to do\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the early awards went to\u003cem> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/12/last-nights-atlanta-surreal-and-provoking-in-all-the-right-ways/\">Atlanta\u003c/a>\u003c/em> for \"Best Television Series: Musical or Comedy.\" And \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/12/12/watch-atlanta-star-keith-stanfield-pull-a-kanye-at-last-nights-critics-choice-awards/\">Keith Stanfield\u003c/a> won the award for \"Best Uncontrollable Hula Hoop Victory Dance.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57535\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/atlanta.nocrop.w529.h482.gif\" alt=\"atlanta-nocrop-w529-h482\" width=\"390\" height=\"335\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Golden Globes are the cool mom of award shows because there are bottomless bottles of Moët and complimentary snacks. \u003cem>Crazy Ex-Girlfriend\u003c/em>’s Rachel Bloom was feeling it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57537\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphyblloom.gif.CROP_.original-original.gif\" alt=\"giphyblloom-gif-crop-original-original\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm not a mathematician, but it seems as though the formula to becoming approximately 542% more attractive consists of picking up your five-year-old costar, while already being pretty hot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/lion.nocrop.w529.h318.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57534\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/lion.nocrop.w529.h318.gif\" alt=\"lion-nocrop-w529-h318\" width=\"529\" height=\"299\">\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/atlanta.nocrop.w529.h482.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>Are you wondering if Cuba made good on his promise to drink himself into oblivion? Well, judging by the following gif of him screaming (twice!) into Sarah Paulson's ear, he's a man of his word. (Felicity Huffman appears to be his drinking buddy.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57546\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-8.gif\" alt=\"giphy-8\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tom Hiddleston, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/09/06/how-summer-nights-from-grease-foretold-taylor-swift-and-tom-hiddlestons-entire-relationship-and-break-up/\">a.k.a. Taylor Swift's ex\u003c/a>, won an award over people like Courtney B. Vance and Bryan Cranston for some reason, and proceeded to deliver an embarrassing speech that boiled down to \u003cem>I went to Africa one time and people there recognized me.\u003c/em> Christian Slater's face said it all.\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-16.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-15.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-14.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57540\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-14.gif\" alt=\"giphy-14\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of awkward, Emma Stone almost accidentally initiated a threesome.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57542\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-12.gif\" alt=\"giphy-12\" width=\"472\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, her ex Andrew Garfield was getting it on with Ryan Reynolds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_ojhyyhRoZg1qaji3vo1_540.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57566\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/tumblr_ojhyyhRoZg1qaji3vo1_540.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_ojhyyhrozg1qaji3vo1_540\" width=\"540\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's going on with Hugh Laurie? Choose your own adventure:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. His leg is asleep.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. He had too many tequila shots with Cuba.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>C. He just remembered he left the stove on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>D. His edible just kicked in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57547\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-7.gif\" alt=\"giphy-7\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the same amused/confused face Ryan Gosling makes every time I send him inappropriate photos and locks of my hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57548\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-6.gif\" alt=\"giphy-6\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But enough about me and more about Viola Davis, who was not only excited about winning for her work in \u003cem>Fences\u003c/em>, but downright giddy over being in Dame Meryl Streep's presence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57541\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-13.gif\" alt=\"giphy-13\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And she was not alone. Everyone was exclaiming \u003cem>Yaaaas, queen!\u003c/em> in their heads.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-12.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-57552\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ezgif.com-afc0e5b1bb.gif\" alt=\"ezgif-com-afc0e5b1bb\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>But, to Meryl, it was just another day in the neighborhood. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-57544\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"giphy-10\" width=\"472\" height=\"262\">\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/giphy-5.gif\">\u003cbr>\n\u003c/a>And that’s all he wrote. See y’all next month for the Grammys and Oscars! Until then, relive gifs of award shows past:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/02/29/the-very-best-gifs-from-the-2016-oscars/\">The Very Best Gifs from the 2016 Oscars\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>[embedly_js]\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2015/02/09/the-very-best-gifs-from-the-2015-grammys/\">The Very Best Gifs from the 2015 Grammys\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2015/01/12/the-very-best-gifs-from-the-2015-golden-globes\">The Very Best Gifs from the 2015 Golden Globes\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2014/03/03/the-only-oscar-moments-worth-talking-about-2014-edition\">The Only Oscar Moments Worth Talking About (2014 Edition)\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I guess that means I'm kind of nuts because, every year, I think the Oscars won't be super duper boring and they always are, except for those brief rays of light that keep us coming back for more.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"embedly-card\">\n\u003ch4>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2013/02/25/the-only-oscar-moments-worth-talking-about\">The Only Oscar Moments Worth Talking About\u003c/a>\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I guess that means I'm kind of nuts because, every year, I think the Oscars won't be super duper boring and they always are, except for those brief rays of light that keep us coming back for more.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "Post-Truth Men Like Trump Are Nothing New — We've Been Watching Them on TV for Years",
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"content": "\u003cp>Procedurals are the comfort food of TV. They are built on a formula: a problem is introduced, but rest assured that by the end of the episode, the bad guy will be caught, the patient will be diagnosed, the court case will be won, and the character’s lives will remain more or less the same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Shows like this feed us with the comfort of ritual and stasis. But one hidden ingredient makes them particularly addictive, and particularly harmful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In almost every procedural, there is a main character, whom I will refer to as the “Always Right Man.” He may be a \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregory_House\">doctor\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"http://brooklyn99.wikia.com/wiki/Jake_Peralta\">a cop\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neal_Caffrey\">a con man\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1632701/\">a lawyer\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0491738/\">an amateur\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherlock_Holmes\">detective\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fox_Mulder\">or even an FBI agent investigating the paranormal\u003c/a>. But what we can count on is that, against all odds, his hunches are always right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Other people might depend on logic, evidence, or following the rules of their profession, but not the “Always Right Man.” He trusts only himself and his own expertise and instinct. And in every episode, he is vindicated.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There will be variations on the theme, and a \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1632701/mediaviewer/rm4043381504\">few\u003c/a> shows have not one but \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1358522/mediaviewer/rm1323302400\">two\u003c/a> Always Right Men. But certain things are predicable. This character is almost always a white man. He might be given a flaw -- \u003ca href=\"https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/76/60/cb/7660cb8a513fe8ece9385cc81582a809.jpg\">an addiction\u003c/a>, an \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1475582/\">anti-social personality\u003c/a>, or an overly \u003ca href=\"http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/52cb9a006bb3f75c2017e567-960/brooklyn-nine-nine-andy-samberg-7.jpg\">goofy\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://www.awkwardgeeks.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/shawn-pineapple.jpg\">personality\u003c/a>. He might have \u003ca href=\"https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/80/6f/c4/806fc4989e4e1e34a6b3a63a4f3f0a74.jpg\">skeletons in his closet\u003c/a> or a \u003ca href=\"http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-d8bbtCshCqA/T3_BVFt2sQI/AAAAAAAAAMM/xCCSEh8LzUs/s1600/s2+ependgames+mulder+cryface.png\">tragic past\u003c/a>. By nature, the Always Right Man will circumvent the establishment. Maybe he agrees with the goals of his established profession, but he won’t be held back by protocol or professional guidelines. And he will always face \"haters\" trying to get him to follow the rules.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Every episode will feature a supporting character trying to dissuade Always Right Man. “We already figured it out,” they’ll say. “Look at the evidence,” they'll urge. \"There’s nothing more we can do for this patient,” they'll reason. But these are no barriers for “Always Right Man.” He doesn’t trust other people, and he doesn’t play by the rules, but that’s why he’s the best. He can see a deeper truth and, in the end, his blind faith in himself saves the day. Catastrophe is subverted by ignoring the very things that generally make people successful in their field -- listening to the input of others and following the rules.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turn on the TV and try to find a procedural that doesn’t have this character. He’s the perfect wish-fulfillment character for white men nostalgic for an era when they didn’t have to answer to anyone. We are only a century and a half away from a time when women were little more than property, and when people of color could be owned. White men were the master of the house, and they answered to no one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>TV characters live in a world written to affirm their brilliance. The problem comes when viewers internalize the message of these shows and behave like their fictional heroes. Seeing the Always Right Man save the day on each weekly episode by ignoring all others and acting on hunches, viewers run the risk of mimicking this behavior in their own lives, convinced that they, too, might be the Always Right Man.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This archetype is the perfect balm for cognitive dissonance. Are facts, logic, and the voices of others challenging those concepts that you hold most dear? Are they asking that you change your behavior? Easy. Pretend you are the Always Right Man, living in a fantasy world where facts are dismissed and other people’s voices are ignored.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is climate change too scary? Follow your hunch that it might not exist. Now you don’t have to worry!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is your female co-worker harping on you, bothering you with pesky demands to not be sexually harassed at work? Ignore her, and dive into your hunch that she’s just playing the victim for attention. Why is she even working anyway? She should be at home!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are the Black Lives Matters protestors challenging your idea that America is always fair and the police always follow the law? Ignore their voices and double down on your hunch that they are criminals and America is fine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So let's review: We have a character who \u003ca href=\"http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-elections/donald-trump-says-hes-too-smart-for-daily-intelligence-briefings-a7468456.html\">is extremely confident\u003c/a>. When \u003ca href=\"http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/311395/scottie-nell-hughes-no-such-thing-as-facts/\">he ignores facts\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/03/us/politics/donald-trump-gop.html?_r=0\">other voices\u003c/a>, it’s perceived as a mark of integrity. He \u003ca href=\"http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2016/12/09/first-100-days-can-trump-really-drain-swamp.html\">criticizes the establishment\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/12/donald-trump-business-interests\">breaks the rules\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-gop-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/03/trump-foreign-policy-adviser-220853\">trusts only his own instincts, which he is confident are infallible.\u003c/a> Sound like \u003ca href=\"http://www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/blogs/moneybox/2015/08/16/donald_trump_on_immigration_build_border_fence_make_mexico_pay_for_it/483208412-real-estate-tycoon-donald-trump-flashes-the-thumbs-up.jpg.CROP.promo-xlarge2.jpg\">anyone\u003c/a>?\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Procedurals are the comfort food of TV. They are built on a formula: a problem is introduced, but rest assured that by the end of the episode, the bad guy will be caught, the patient will be diagnosed, the court case will be won, and the character’s lives will remain more or less the same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Shows like this feed us with the comfort of ritual and stasis. But one hidden ingredient makes them particularly addictive, and particularly harmful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In almost every procedural, there is a main character, whom I will refer to as the “Always Right Man.” He may be a \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregory_House\">doctor\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"http://brooklyn99.wikia.com/wiki/Jake_Peralta\">a cop\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neal_Caffrey\">a con man\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1632701/\">a lawyer\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0491738/\">an amateur\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherlock_Holmes\">detective\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fox_Mulder\">or even an FBI agent investigating the paranormal\u003c/a>. But what we can count on is that, against all odds, his hunches are always right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Other people might depend on logic, evidence, or following the rules of their profession, but not the “Always Right Man.” He trusts only himself and his own expertise and instinct. And in every episode, he is vindicated.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There will be variations on the theme, and a \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1632701/mediaviewer/rm4043381504\">few\u003c/a> shows have not one but \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1358522/mediaviewer/rm1323302400\">two\u003c/a> Always Right Men. But certain things are predicable. This character is almost always a white man. He might be given a flaw -- \u003ca href=\"https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/76/60/cb/7660cb8a513fe8ece9385cc81582a809.jpg\">an addiction\u003c/a>, an \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1475582/\">anti-social personality\u003c/a>, or an overly \u003ca href=\"http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/52cb9a006bb3f75c2017e567-960/brooklyn-nine-nine-andy-samberg-7.jpg\">goofy\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"http://www.awkwardgeeks.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/shawn-pineapple.jpg\">personality\u003c/a>. He might have \u003ca href=\"https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/80/6f/c4/806fc4989e4e1e34a6b3a63a4f3f0a74.jpg\">skeletons in his closet\u003c/a> or a \u003ca href=\"http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-d8bbtCshCqA/T3_BVFt2sQI/AAAAAAAAAMM/xCCSEh8LzUs/s1600/s2+ependgames+mulder+cryface.png\">tragic past\u003c/a>. By nature, the Always Right Man will circumvent the establishment. Maybe he agrees with the goals of his established profession, but he won’t be held back by protocol or professional guidelines. And he will always face \"haters\" trying to get him to follow the rules.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Every episode will feature a supporting character trying to dissuade Always Right Man. “We already figured it out,” they’ll say. “Look at the evidence,” they'll urge. \"There’s nothing more we can do for this patient,” they'll reason. But these are no barriers for “Always Right Man.” He doesn’t trust other people, and he doesn’t play by the rules, but that’s why he’s the best. He can see a deeper truth and, in the end, his blind faith in himself saves the day. Catastrophe is subverted by ignoring the very things that generally make people successful in their field -- listening to the input of others and following the rules.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turn on the TV and try to find a procedural that doesn’t have this character. He’s the perfect wish-fulfillment character for white men nostalgic for an era when they didn’t have to answer to anyone. We are only a century and a half away from a time when women were little more than property, and when people of color could be owned. White men were the master of the house, and they answered to no one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>TV characters live in a world written to affirm their brilliance. The problem comes when viewers internalize the message of these shows and behave like their fictional heroes. Seeing the Always Right Man save the day on each weekly episode by ignoring all others and acting on hunches, viewers run the risk of mimicking this behavior in their own lives, convinced that they, too, might be the Always Right Man.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This archetype is the perfect balm for cognitive dissonance. Are facts, logic, and the voices of others challenging those concepts that you hold most dear? Are they asking that you change your behavior? Easy. Pretend you are the Always Right Man, living in a fantasy world where facts are dismissed and other people’s voices are ignored.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is climate change too scary? Follow your hunch that it might not exist. Now you don’t have to worry!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is your female co-worker harping on you, bothering you with pesky demands to not be sexually harassed at work? Ignore her, and dive into your hunch that she’s just playing the victim for attention. Why is she even working anyway? She should be at home!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are the Black Lives Matters protestors challenging your idea that America is always fair and the police always follow the law? Ignore their voices and double down on your hunch that they are criminals and America is fine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So let's review: We have a character who \u003ca href=\"http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-elections/donald-trump-says-hes-too-smart-for-daily-intelligence-briefings-a7468456.html\">is extremely confident\u003c/a>. When \u003ca href=\"http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/311395/scottie-nell-hughes-no-such-thing-as-facts/\">he ignores facts\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/03/us/politics/donald-trump-gop.html?_r=0\">other voices\u003c/a>, it’s perceived as a mark of integrity. He \u003ca href=\"http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2016/12/09/first-100-days-can-trump-really-drain-swamp.html\">criticizes the establishment\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/12/donald-trump-business-interests\">breaks the rules\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-gop-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/03/trump-foreign-policy-adviser-220853\">trusts only his own instincts, which he is confident are infallible.\u003c/a> Sound like \u003ca href=\"http://www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/blogs/moneybox/2015/08/16/donald_trump_on_immigration_build_border_fence_make_mexico_pay_for_it/483208412-real-estate-tycoon-donald-trump-flashes-the-thumbs-up.jpg.CROP.promo-xlarge2.jpg\">anyone\u003c/a>?\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp class=\"Normal\">[contextly_sidebar id=\"Ldbx7FckcWm5damqD3Ho9tAbIcc3YZ8V\"]For a few minutes last night, the 2016 Critics' Choice Awards bore a strange resemblance to the 2009 MTV VMAs. When Leslie Mann and Christian Slater announced\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003cspan class=\"Normal__Char\">\u003cem>Silicon Valley\u003c/em> \u003c/span>as the winner of the Best Comedy Series statue, \u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Keith Stanfield took the stage\u003c/span>. \"I want to thank everybody for honoring us in this way,\" he told the audience of celebrities and industry folks. \"We worked very hard on \u003cspan class=\"Normal__Char\">\u003cem>Silicon Valley\u003c/em> \u003c/span>and here we are. Thank you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OfVHRpGrRc\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"Normal\">It was a nice and quick speech. The only problem: Stanfield has nothing to do with the production of the HBO sitcom. Instead, he plays Darius on \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/12/last-nights-atlanta-surreal-and-provoking-in-all-the-right-ways/\">\u003cem>\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Atlanta\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Donald Glover's acclaimed new FX show about two cousins breaking into the city's rap scene, which was up for consideration in the same category.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"Normal\">After Stanfield returned to his seat, Tom Lassally, a confused \u003cspan class=\"Normal__Char\">\u003cem>Silicon Valley\u003c/em> \u003c/span>executive producer, accepted the award. \"No idea who that was,\" he said. Guess he hasn't seen \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2370248/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Short Term 12\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1020072/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_18\" target=\"_blank\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Selma\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1398426/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_15\" target=\"_blank\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Straight Outta Compton\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, or \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/filmschoolshorts/films/king-ripple/\" target=\"_blank\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">King Ripple\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, a short horror film that was featured in season four of KQED's \u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/filmschoolshorts/\">\u003cem>\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Film School Shorts\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, which you can watch below.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"Normal\">\n\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe src=\"https://player.vimeo.com/video/172805433?color=f1592a\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"yes\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\n\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"Normal\">Regardless, Christian Slater seemed pretty jazzed about the situation, and we're pretty sure Lassally won't make a future \u003ca href=\"http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/taylor-swifts-inserts-kanye-west-dig-in-cutting-grammy-acceptance-speech-20160216\">impassioned Grammy speech\u003c/a> about Stanfield trying to undercut his success.\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "'Silicon Valley' won Best Comedy Series last night, and Keith Stanfield took the stage to thank the critics. Only problem is: he's not in that show.",
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"description": "'Silicon Valley' won Best Comedy Series last night, and Keith Stanfield took the stage to thank the critics. Only problem is: he's not in that show.",
"title": "Watch 'Atlanta' Star Keith Stanfield Pull a Kanye at Last Night's Critics’ Choice Awards | KQED",
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"headline": "Watch 'Atlanta' Star Keith Stanfield Pull a Kanye at Last Night's Critics’ Choice Awards",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp class=\"Normal\">\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>For a few minutes last night, the 2016 Critics' Choice Awards bore a strange resemblance to the 2009 MTV VMAs. When Leslie Mann and Christian Slater announced\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003cspan class=\"Normal__Char\">\u003cem>Silicon Valley\u003c/em> \u003c/span>as the winner of the Best Comedy Series statue, \u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Keith Stanfield took the stage\u003c/span>. \"I want to thank everybody for honoring us in this way,\" he told the audience of celebrities and industry folks. \"We worked very hard on \u003cspan class=\"Normal__Char\">\u003cem>Silicon Valley\u003c/em> \u003c/span>and here we are. Thank you.\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/5OfVHRpGrRc'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/5OfVHRpGrRc'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp class=\"Normal\">It was a nice and quick speech. The only problem: Stanfield has nothing to do with the production of the HBO sitcom. Instead, he plays Darius on \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/10/12/last-nights-atlanta-surreal-and-provoking-in-all-the-right-ways/\">\u003cem>\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Atlanta\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Donald Glover's acclaimed new FX show about two cousins breaking into the city's rap scene, which was up for consideration in the same category.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"Normal\">After Stanfield returned to his seat, Tom Lassally, a confused \u003cspan class=\"Normal__Char\">\u003cem>Silicon Valley\u003c/em> \u003c/span>executive producer, accepted the award. \"No idea who that was,\" he said. Guess he hasn't seen \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2370248/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Short Term 12\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1020072/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_18\" target=\"_blank\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Selma\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1398426/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_15\" target=\"_blank\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Straight Outta Compton\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, or \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/filmschoolshorts/films/king-ripple/\" target=\"_blank\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">King Ripple\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, a short horror film that was featured in season four of KQED's \u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/filmschoolshorts/\">\u003cem>\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">\u003cspan class=\"Hyperlink__Char\">Film School Shorts\u003c/span>\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, which you can watch below.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"Normal\">\n\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe src=\"https://player.vimeo.com/video/172805433?color=f1592a\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"yes\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\n\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"Normal\">Regardless, Christian Slater seemed pretty jazzed about the situation, and we're pretty sure Lassally won't make a future \u003ca href=\"http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/taylor-swifts-inserts-kanye-west-dig-in-cutting-grammy-acceptance-speech-20160216\">impassioned Grammy speech\u003c/a> about Stanfield trying to undercut his success.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"info": "Our flagship program, helmed by Kai Ryssdal, examines what the day in money delivered, through stories, conversations, newsworthy numbers and more. Updated Monday through Friday at about 3:30 p.m. PT.",
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"mindshift": {
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"info": "The MindShift podcast explores the innovations in education that are shaping how kids learn. Hosts Ki Sung and Katrina Schwartz introduce listeners to educators, researchers, parents and students who are developing effective ways to improve how kids learn. We cover topics like how fed-up administrators are developing surprising tactics to deal with classroom disruptions; how listening to podcasts are helping kids develop reading skills; the consequences of overparenting; and why interdisciplinary learning can engage students on all ends of the traditional achievement spectrum. This podcast is part of the MindShift education site, a division of KQED News. KQED is an NPR/PBS member station based in San Francisco. You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>",
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"order": 12
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"onourwatch": {
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"info": "For decades, the process for how police police themselves has been inconsistent – if not opaque. In some states, like California, these proceedings were completely hidden. After a new police transparency law unsealed scores of internal affairs files, our reporters set out to examine these cases and the shadow world of police discipline. On Our Watch brings listeners into the rooms where officers are questioned and witnesses are interrogated to find out who this system is really protecting. Is it the officers, or the public they've sworn to serve?",
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"tagline": "Politics from a personal perspective",
"info": "Political Breakdown is a new series that explores the political intersection of California and the nation. Each week hosts Scott Shafer and Marisa Lagos are joined with a new special guest to unpack politics -- with personality — and offer an insider’s glimpse at how politics happens.",
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"possible": {
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"title": "Possible",
"info": "Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.",
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"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.possible.fm/",
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"source": "Possible"
},
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"pri-the-world": {
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"title": "PRI's The World: Latest Edition",
"info": "Each weekday, host Marco Werman and his team of producers bring you the world's most interesting stories in an hour of radio that reminds us just how small our planet really is.",
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"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-World-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
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},
"radiolab": {
"id": "radiolab",
"title": "Radiolab",
"info": "A two-time Peabody Award-winner, Radiolab is an investigation told through sounds and stories, and centered around one big idea. In the Radiolab world, information sounds like music and science and culture collide. Hosted by Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich, the show is designed for listeners who demand skepticism, but appreciate wonder. WNYC Studios is the producer of other leading podcasts including Freakonomics Radio, Death, Sex & Money, On the Media and many more.",
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},
"reveal": {
"id": "reveal",
"title": "Reveal",
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