How to Help Kids and Teens Use the Internet Safely

Lawmakers and school administrators across the country are tackling online safety and well-being with policies such as banning cellphones in schools and restricting addictive algorithms on children and teenagers’ social media feeds. For Fareedah Shaheed, a children’s online safety expert, prevention and intervention start with the adults — parents, teachers and school counselors — interacting with kids on a daily basis.

“I see the real change in those interpersonal relationships between (educators) and parents, people exchanging information they can use to start talking to (each other),” Shaheed told school administrators, counselors, teachers and advocates at a student wellness conference. “I believe the biggest impact is on the ground.”

EdSource interviewed Shaheed about her experiences and how adults can help keep young people safe online. Her remarks have been edited for length and clarity.

What can students learn about online safety from your early internet experiences?

When I was 13, I got my first smartphone. I started playing mobile games and talking to strangers online. I had a near miss with an online predator. I was (planning on) meeting someone at 16 when he was 40 years old. I was a very private teenager, and I kept my online life secret. So the only reason why I told my mom, ‘Hey, I’m just going to meet this guy that I met at an online game in the park,’ was because I was her only child, and I felt like it was the mature thing to tell her where I was going. But I wasn’t asking her for permission because she would’ve said no.

She knew that this was really serious if I was telling her this, because she knew I was a very private person. But she didn’t ask to look into my phone. And instead of her taking away my phone, getting upset with me, she just wanted to know, ‘Who’s this person? What’s his name? Why did you connect? Why do you like him? Why do you want to meet?’ And that changed my entire life because she came to me as an experienced friend, and I decided I did not want to go. That conversation saved me. From those experiences being groomed online and talking to strangers as a kid, I went into cybersecurity and threat intelligence, and I started doing workshops with organizations to raise awareness and then create some actionable impact on internet safety for kids.

What concerns about online safety do you hear from parents, educators and school counselors?

I hear a lot of stories about cyberbullying, kids talking to strangers online, being addicted to social media and making comparisons (online.) The hardest stories to hear are when parents lose their children. They lose their child through suicide, or they lose their child’s (trust) to someone targeting them. I heard from one parent that her son, who was groomed as a (child), was now grooming another child. The mental turmoil that she went through as a parent completely took her out. She came back from that and told me her son is in therapy now (unpacking) his own history of abuse. She’s looking back at her life and retracing her steps as a parent, thinking, “What the hell did I do wrong?”

I advise parents to prioritize safe spaces, accountability, fun and empathy to protect kids online. We also have discussions over time about mental health resources and helping kids create a community around a shared problem, such as an after-school program for kids experiencing bullying. Many school counselors can also have a closer relationship with the student only because there is that degree of separation of “You’re not my parent, and you’re not trying to control my life.” In certain circumstances, counselors have an easier time becoming the experienced friend role.

How have these threats, such as cyberbullying, grooming and sextortion, changed since you first used the internet?

We would always tell kids, “Don’t share pictures of yourself with other people, especially strangers,” right? Now you have AI (artificial intelligence). We’re at a point where it doesn’t matter if you don’t share (photos), someone can create something that looks real. I didn’t grow up with that. That’s a whole different ballgame. So I believe we have to act like everyone has been in this situation — anyone can experience extortion — and have mental health (resources) for those who are experiencing or experience this at some point.

New developments like AI can often feel inaccessible to parents and educators. How can adults protect kids if they don’t entirely understand the threat in the first place?

You don’t have to know more than your kids to protect them. You don’t have to be tech-savvy to protect them. You don’t have to know all the new slang to protect your kids because what predators want are parents staying in the darkness. When you’re thinking about sextortion, AI, cyberbullying, predatory behavior, inappropriate content, screen time, all of these things rely on one domino effect. If you research the predatory handbook for targeting kids on Roblox or Minecraft, they’re not saying, “We want parents who don’t understand technology or the newest thing.” They’re saying, “We want parents who don’t know what their kids are going through emotionally.” They want parents who themselves struggle with mental illness, lack support or resources and feel isolated. That’s why the resources that will help protect kids are also support for parents — financial, self-care, mental health. That’s what matters more than parents knowing the latest thing.

Can school cellphone bans help protect kids online?

I believe there’s a better way to do it. Schools are trying to introduce something new to solve a huge problem, and I do believe that it’s necessary, but I don’t believe “ban” is the best term. I think “policy” is the best term. I believe schools have to have the students be part of the decision; otherwise, it’s going to create a lot of friction. If the students are part of the decision, you understand how students are using the cellphone and how they can use it in a way that’s according to the policy and what’s best for them.

Many students don’t approach school counselors about their online problems, and many might not recognize that online interaction could be unsafe or outside the norm. In that case, how can schools better identify the issue and intervene?

Schools can help by giving them the tools to solve a problem that they don’t see because the adults are not in control of what happens. Counselors can provide educational programs about mental health resources, talking through online scenarios and explaining the tools (students) can use to deal with a situation so that they can, one, identify it for themselves and then, two, know how to self-regulate. They can slowly work themselves out of the situation, whether it’s removing themselves from the relationship, blocking somebody, reporting somebody — no one has to know. Sometimes, you can remove yourself from a situation and not have to talk to somebody about it. There should be resources for them when they need to talk about it and provide that support, but it’s also about making it normal to have those conversations in school, letting them hear different stories from other people, teaching them red flags, and how to identify their own discomfort.

Can online threats present differently, especially for students in marginalized communities? 

[A 2022 survey found that Black teens are about twice as likely as Hispanic or white teenagers to say they were targeted online for their race. Teenagers who identify as part of the LGBTQ community also face more harassment online related to their identities, including hateful language or sexual victimization, and have been found to be more susceptible to cyberbullying.]

Whether it was being a Black gamer girl online or posting on social media as a Black girl, I spent my entire childhood being bullied for being Black and for being the only Black girl in classes a lot of the time. It’s harder for kids from these backgrounds to have the tools and support systems to deal with the (bullying). So if there are other minority or underrepresented communities, they can also have that community at school. I’ve seen schools that have groups like Black Gamer Girl clubs — these five students that meet every Thursday after school, for example — that are really helpful for their mental health and for them to feel safe online. Schools can also have classes that serve them, in particular by giving them tools to deal with bullying, having conversations about what they see online if they’re creating content, how they make sense of someone saying something horrible about them, and then how to walk through that and emotionally regulate.

Teenagers also seek emotional support and information about their identities online. How can they identify the line between dangerous interactions and ones that might feel new and uncertain — and a little uncomfortable for parents — but might also help them feel more secure in themselves?

[For example, transgender and queer students often find acceptance in online communities known to reduce reports of depression and suicidal thoughts in LGBTQ youth. During the COVID-19 pandemic, many reported being stuck at home with unsupportive parents, flocking to online communities for acceptance.] 

It’s so much better for your child to be involved in communities that you may be uncomfortable with when you’re there to support them, even in your discomfort, than for your child to go behind your back and not tell you and get a burner phone. Most of the time, the community that your child is connecting with online is going to be OK, so long as they have your support and someone to talk to. It becomes dangerous when the parent or caretaker can’t be involved because the child thinks that they can’t share their experiences.

I loved anime. I loved cosplaying. I loved gaming. And the online world has a lot of communities that understand you, you feel safe, and that you’re in a non-judgmental space. But then, when you go to school or are with your parents or friends who are outside that space, they might make you feel like you’re different or too much or too little or weird. The reason why I started talking to strangers wasn’t because I love talking to strangers but because I didn’t feel accepted elsewhere. If you’re a teenager and you’re worried about your best friend speaking with older strangers online, for example, the best thing you can do is stay in their life in whatever capacity is safe for you. When something happens, you can be there for them in whatever capacity you have and help them out of that situation.

What advice do you have for educators and parents trying to introduce young children to the online world in a positive way?