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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The transition from high school to college has become a rite of passage laden with expectations – chief among them is the assumption that admission to a prestigious college is the golden ticket to future success. However, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/anahomayoun?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Ana Homayoun\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, an academic advisor and early career development expert, challenges the belief that taking all AP classes, starting on the varsity team and being first string in orchestra guarantees the skills a student needs to thrive in college and beyond. “We all play a role in supporting students \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/58155/grades-have-huge-impact-but-are-they-effective\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">beyond grades\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, test scores and college admission,” she said. “I started to think about what are the key skills that are not just crucial for our livelihood but also for social and economic mobility.” In her book \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://anahomayoun.com/erasing-the-finish-line/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Erasing the Finish Line: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond Grades and College Admission,\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Homayoun draws from over two decades of working with students to show how the narrow focus on competitive college admissions has inadvertently sidelined necessary skills like organization, planning, prioritization and non-transactional relationship building. These assets, she added, are essential for success not only in college but also in career paths and personal relationships.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">While there have always been students who were not ready for college, Homayoun noted that the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://hechingerreport.org/after-the-pandemic-disrupted-their-high-school-educations-students-are-arriving-at-college-unprepared/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">pandemic has made this more common\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. “Particularly after the last few years, I will say that students’ skill sets aren’t as developed as they were in the past,” she said. Today’s students may struggle with managing their time effectively, building meaningful connections, and adapting to the challenges of a dynamic post-high school environment. Homayoun helps families establish a new approach to academic success and overall well-being that will sustain children in their journeys after K-12 education. She advises moving away from the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">relentless pursuit of accolades\u003c/a> and places a renewed emphasis on social well-being and emotional development. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Given that there’s no one-size-fits-all path to success for any student, parents can support their child in \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">building strong habits and refining skills that have a lasting impact on long-term success.\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> According to Homayoun, paying attention to kids’ energy levels, honing extracurricular commitments, and improving conversation skills yields benefits that extend far beyond gaining acceptance into college.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Pay attention to energy levels\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It’s common for parents to get caught up in a culture of comparison and wonder if their child is involved in enough activities for the college admissions process, especially during the transition from middle to high school, Homayoun pointed out. She urges parents to shift their perspective from time management, often driven by an unending to-do list, to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60543/what-parents-need-to-monitor-about-teens-sleep-beyond-the-hour-count\">energy management\u003c/a>. Being attuned to a child’s energy levels empowers parents to understand their behavior patterns and support them in recharging when necessary. Homayoun said it can be as simple as asking three key questions: “What energizes you? What drains you? And how do you recharge?” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents can monitor their child’s energy levels by assessing the activities they participate in and ensuring there is a healthy balance between activity and rest. For instance, a child might require more transition time when moving between activities or need solo time during the weekend to recover from a demanding week. A child’s energy profile may evolve over time. Circumstances such as an injury, breakup, or \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59837/four-circles-of-self-care-a-tool-to-help-students-make-mental-health-a-daily-practice\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health concerns can also have an impact on a child’s energy profile\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, whether temporarily or more permanently. Homayoun suggested that parents stay flexible and shift priorities accordingly.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It’s crucial to move away from the notion that there is something “wrong” with an \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62119/how-extroverted-teachers-can-engage-introverted-students\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">introverted child\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> who doesn’t socialize in the same way as their extroverted siblings or parents, said Homayoun. Embracing and respecting individual energy profiles allows each child to thrive in their own way, ensuring that they have the space and support to develop the skills and self-awareness necessary for a successful journey through education and beyond. While the race to college acceptance can push children to keep going until they burn out, shifting the focus to energy management helps parents support their child in a more sustainable and balanced approach to life.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Determine what is going to “take the B”\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In her book, Homayoun introduces the concept of “taking the B,” which means deciding which activities and obligations can take a back seat in one’s life. As children grow older, activities that were once minor commitments may start demanding more time and energy, leading to packed schedules that leave little room for rest, reflection and open-ended exploration. “I regularly see students who are in school from 8:30 a.m. to 3 p.m., and then have an activity from 3:30 to 6 p.m., and then need to commute home and complete one to three hours of homework,” wrote Homayoun. This kind of demanding schedule takes a toll on their energy, mood and motivation. It can foster a sense of never doing enough and an unceasing pressure to do more, which, in turn, can erode their self-esteem. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59625/three-reasons-teens-need-later-school-start-times\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Valuable sleep time is often sacrificed\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> as schedules become increasingly packed. “For students, the notion of “taking the B” shouldn’t be about grades or test scores but rather daily and weekly allocation of energy,” wrote Homayoun. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parental fears can often shape a student’s schedule, with concerns that reducing extracurricular involvement may limit future opportunities. However, Homayoun emphasizes that the “bigger, better” culture doesn’t necessarily benefit anyone. Rather than encouraging kids to do it all, she urged parents to help them assess their schedules and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61739/when-should-you-let-your-kid-quit\">identify activities that can be scaled back\u003c/a>. This doesn’t necessarily mean quitting an activity entirely. For instance, if a student enjoys playing a sport but doesn’t want to commit to it at a high level, they can \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59342/how-can-high-school-sports-better-serve-students\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">join a low-commitment recreational league\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Reducing a child’s commitments can enable them to experience greater happiness, improved rest and less burnout.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Build conversation skills\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Many of the students Homayoun has worked with who have achieved the professional or personal success they aspired to possess strong conversation and small talk skills. “We get stuck in this faulty finish line of college admissions and the test scores and grades. And we think, ‘Oh, well, this kid is getting great grades, then they clearly are doing fine,’ but they don’t have the ability to connect,\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">” she said. \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Developing better small talk skills can boost a student’s confidence in \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/58462/how-to-help-anxious-students-re-adjust-to-social-settings\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">navigating new social environments that might otherwise feel overwhelming\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Homayoun encourages students to engage in conversations with people from different generations, because conversations with peers or family members can be limiting. “A lot of students are like, ‘Oh, I’m talking about college admissions with my classmates.’ And I’m like, ‘Well, none of them have applied to college yet,’\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">”\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> said Homayoun.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">For parents who are looking to build their child’s small talk skills, Homayoun suggested making it a game. During gatherings, whether they are family events or neighborhood barbecues, parents can challenge their child to initiate brief conversations with three new people. This practice not only helps in making eye contact, reading nonverbal cues, starting a conversation, asking questions, and wrapping up a conversation effectively but also improves their confidence in social situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Summer jobs that involve interacting with the public, like working at a grocery store or lifeguarding at a local pool, can help teenagers build their conversation skills. Additionally, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2120668119\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> has shown that the more small conversations and interactions a person engages in, the more likely they are to experience increased happiness, as they establish meaningful connections with others and build a foundation of positive social interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are many soft skills that children can benefit from developing. It may not require parents to add more activities to their schedule; rather, it could just mean fine-tuning their existing interests to help them thrive in the long run.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The transition from high school to college has become a rite of passage laden with expectations – chief among them is the assumption that admission to a prestigious college is the golden ticket to future success. However, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/anahomayoun?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Ana Homayoun\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, an academic advisor and early career development expert, challenges the belief that taking all AP classes, starting on the varsity team and being first string in orchestra guarantees the skills a student needs to thrive in college and beyond. “We all play a role in supporting students \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/58155/grades-have-huge-impact-but-are-they-effective\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">beyond grades\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, test scores and college admission,” she said. “I started to think about what are the key skills that are not just crucial for our livelihood but also for social and economic mobility.” In her book \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://anahomayoun.com/erasing-the-finish-line/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Erasing the Finish Line: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond Grades and College Admission,\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Homayoun draws from over two decades of working with students to show how the narrow focus on competitive college admissions has inadvertently sidelined necessary skills like organization, planning, prioritization and non-transactional relationship building. These assets, she added, are essential for success not only in college but also in career paths and personal relationships.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">While there have always been students who were not ready for college, Homayoun noted that the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://hechingerreport.org/after-the-pandemic-disrupted-their-high-school-educations-students-are-arriving-at-college-unprepared/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">pandemic has made this more common\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. “Particularly after the last few years, I will say that students’ skill sets aren’t as developed as they were in the past,” she said. Today’s students may struggle with managing their time effectively, building meaningful connections, and adapting to the challenges of a dynamic post-high school environment. Homayoun helps families establish a new approach to academic success and overall well-being that will sustain children in their journeys after K-12 education. She advises moving away from the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">relentless pursuit of accolades\u003c/a> and places a renewed emphasis on social well-being and emotional development. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Given that there’s no one-size-fits-all path to success for any student, parents can support their child in \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">building strong habits and refining skills that have a lasting impact on long-term success.\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> According to Homayoun, paying attention to kids’ energy levels, honing extracurricular commitments, and improving conversation skills yields benefits that extend far beyond gaining acceptance into college.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Pay attention to energy levels\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It’s common for parents to get caught up in a culture of comparison and wonder if their child is involved in enough activities for the college admissions process, especially during the transition from middle to high school, Homayoun pointed out. She urges parents to shift their perspective from time management, often driven by an unending to-do list, to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60543/what-parents-need-to-monitor-about-teens-sleep-beyond-the-hour-count\">energy management\u003c/a>. Being attuned to a child’s energy levels empowers parents to understand their behavior patterns and support them in recharging when necessary. Homayoun said it can be as simple as asking three key questions: “What energizes you? What drains you? And how do you recharge?” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents can monitor their child’s energy levels by assessing the activities they participate in and ensuring there is a healthy balance between activity and rest. For instance, a child might require more transition time when moving between activities or need solo time during the weekend to recover from a demanding week. A child’s energy profile may evolve over time. Circumstances such as an injury, breakup, or \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59837/four-circles-of-self-care-a-tool-to-help-students-make-mental-health-a-daily-practice\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health concerns can also have an impact on a child’s energy profile\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, whether temporarily or more permanently. Homayoun suggested that parents stay flexible and shift priorities accordingly.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It’s crucial to move away from the notion that there is something “wrong” with an \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62119/how-extroverted-teachers-can-engage-introverted-students\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">introverted child\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> who doesn’t socialize in the same way as their extroverted siblings or parents, said Homayoun. Embracing and respecting individual energy profiles allows each child to thrive in their own way, ensuring that they have the space and support to develop the skills and self-awareness necessary for a successful journey through education and beyond. While the race to college acceptance can push children to keep going until they burn out, shifting the focus to energy management helps parents support their child in a more sustainable and balanced approach to life.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Determine what is going to “take the B”\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In her book, Homayoun introduces the concept of “taking the B,” which means deciding which activities and obligations can take a back seat in one’s life. As children grow older, activities that were once minor commitments may start demanding more time and energy, leading to packed schedules that leave little room for rest, reflection and open-ended exploration. “I regularly see students who are in school from 8:30 a.m. to 3 p.m., and then have an activity from 3:30 to 6 p.m., and then need to commute home and complete one to three hours of homework,” wrote Homayoun. This kind of demanding schedule takes a toll on their energy, mood and motivation. It can foster a sense of never doing enough and an unceasing pressure to do more, which, in turn, can erode their self-esteem. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59625/three-reasons-teens-need-later-school-start-times\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Valuable sleep time is often sacrificed\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> as schedules become increasingly packed. “For students, the notion of “taking the B” shouldn’t be about grades or test scores but rather daily and weekly allocation of energy,” wrote Homayoun. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parental fears can often shape a student’s schedule, with concerns that reducing extracurricular involvement may limit future opportunities. However, Homayoun emphasizes that the “bigger, better” culture doesn’t necessarily benefit anyone. Rather than encouraging kids to do it all, she urged parents to help them assess their schedules and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61739/when-should-you-let-your-kid-quit\">identify activities that can be scaled back\u003c/a>. This doesn’t necessarily mean quitting an activity entirely. For instance, if a student enjoys playing a sport but doesn’t want to commit to it at a high level, they can \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59342/how-can-high-school-sports-better-serve-students\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">join a low-commitment recreational league\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Reducing a child’s commitments can enable them to experience greater happiness, improved rest and less burnout.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Build conversation skills\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Many of the students Homayoun has worked with who have achieved the professional or personal success they aspired to possess strong conversation and small talk skills. “We get stuck in this faulty finish line of college admissions and the test scores and grades. And we think, ‘Oh, well, this kid is getting great grades, then they clearly are doing fine,’ but they don’t have the ability to connect,\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">” she said. \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Developing better small talk skills can boost a student’s confidence in \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/58462/how-to-help-anxious-students-re-adjust-to-social-settings\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">navigating new social environments that might otherwise feel overwhelming\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Homayoun encourages students to engage in conversations with people from different generations, because conversations with peers or family members can be limiting. “A lot of students are like, ‘Oh, I’m talking about college admissions with my classmates.’ And I’m like, ‘Well, none of them have applied to college yet,’\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">”\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> said Homayoun.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">For parents who are looking to build their child’s small talk skills, Homayoun suggested making it a game. During gatherings, whether they are family events or neighborhood barbecues, parents can challenge their child to initiate brief conversations with three new people. This practice not only helps in making eye contact, reading nonverbal cues, starting a conversation, asking questions, and wrapping up a conversation effectively but also improves their confidence in social situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Summer jobs that involve interacting with the public, like working at a grocery store or lifeguarding at a local pool, can help teenagers build their conversation skills. Additionally, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2120668119\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> has shown that the more small conversations and interactions a person engages in, the more likely they are to experience increased happiness, as they establish meaningful connections with others and build a foundation of positive social interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"headTitle": "7 surprising ways the public library can help you save money | KQED",
"content": "\u003cp>Everyone knows you can save money on books by checking them out at the library instead of buying them. But did you know that libraries can help you save on other things too?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some locations, you can borrow tools (saving a purchase at the hardware store), take free language classes and even get free tickets to local museums and attractions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The resources that your library has to offer will depend on its size and funding, which comes in part from taxpayer dollars and donor funds. These perks are part of the public library’s mission to serve the \u003ca href=\"https://newamericans.ala.org/white-paper/part-2/assess-community-needs/\">needs of the local community\u003c/a>, says \u003ca href=\"https://milwaukeenns.org/2020/12/28/5-things-to-know-about-joan-johnson-milwaukees-new-library-director/\">Joan Johnson\u003c/a>, library director at Milwaukee Public Library. “Libraries are one of the most important parts of the social infrastructure. The possibilities for how you explore are endless.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To take advantage of these money-saving benefits, sign up for a library card, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@mychal3ts\">Mychal Threets\u003c/a>, the supervising librarian at the Fairfield Civic Center Library in Fairfield, Calif. Then check out the library website or simply walk into your local library and talk to a librarian.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here are 7 surprising ways the library can help you save money.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>1. Before you buy something, see if you can borrow it from the library\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Libraries offer all kinds of items on loan. “\u003ca href=\"https://solanolibrary.com/catalog/special-collections/#1611252737404-0cfc29f9-537b\">Video games\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.bklynlibrary.org/locations/central/musicloan\">musical instruments\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.grpl.org/boardgame/\">board games\u003c/a>. Some libraries have \u003ca href=\"https://nolalibrary.org/location-specific-services/cake-pans/\">bakeware collections\u003c/a> where you can get baking pans,” says Threets.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Akhila Bhat, branch manager at Harris County Public Library in Katy, Texas, says her library system has a \u003ca href=\"https://hcpl.net/blogs/post/seed-libraries-and-gardening-resources/\">seed library\u003c/a>. “Patrons can pick up seeds to start a garden and drop off seeds for others to take home and plant.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, libraries like the Providence Public Library in Rhode Island \u003ca href=\"https://www.provlib.org/using-the-library/tools/\">have tools you can check out\u003c/a>. That includes a cordless drill, safety goggles and a laser level.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>2. Reserve free tickets to local museums and attractions\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In some places, you can get free or discounted tickets to local attractions in your city or town. The Nashville Public Library, for example, \u003ca href=\"https://library.nashville.org/services/community-passports\">offers free passes\u003c/a> to the Cheekwood Estate and Gardens (saving patrons $29 in admission fees), the Country Music Hall of Fame (saving about $28) and the National Museum of African American Music (saving about $27). And \u003ca href=\"https://www.parks.ca.gov/?page_id=30806\">library card holders in California\u003c/a> can gain free entry to over 200 state parks, \u003ca href=\"https://www.parks.ca.gov/?page_id=23887\">saving patrons $20 in entry fees\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>3. Print out your documents at a discount\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>You can use the computers to print out documents like plane tickets, concert tickets or shipping labels. There’s usually a small fee, but it’s often cheaper than printing at an office supply store or a shipping center, says Threets. For example, it costs \u003ca href=\"https://www.bklynlibrary.org/use-the-library/print#anchor5\">10 cents\u003c/a> to print a page in black and white at the Brooklyn Public Library in New York, and \u003ca href=\"https://www.office.fedex.com/default/copies.html?CMP=KNC-8000047-68-9-950-1110000-US-US-EN-123650:123823:2201363&gclid=Cj0KCQjwqP2pBhDMARIsAJQ0CzoVnNp_CfN8GU5F28Wv_0hYbdk6hepsPQdKcTy3eIWHXPEp6p5rd5caAvVGEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds\">23 cents\u003c/a> at Fedex.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>4. Get free help with homework and standardized tests\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Your library card may grant you access to free \u003ca href=\"https://www.brainfuse.com/highed/helpNow.asp?a_id=394E70AB&ss=&r=\">online help from expert tutors\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.gwinnettpl.org/news/access-tutor-com/\">Tutor.com\u003c/a>, which offers live one-on-one homework help for students in K-12 and higher education. It’s a sweet deal considering that hourly rates for a private tutor \u003ca href=\"https://tutors.com/costs/#:~:text=a%20tutor%20cost%3F-,%2425%20%2D%20%2480%20%2Fhr,%24150%20to%20%24200%20per%20month.\">can range from $25-80 an hour\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you’re preparing for college, check out whether your local branch has resources for standardized tests like the \u003ca href=\"https://www.broward.org/Library/Pages/SATACTProgram.aspx\">SAT or ACT\u003c/a>. Broward County Library in Florida, for example, has a free 10-hour test prep workshop for high school students \u003ca href=\"https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/articles/2019-10-25/what-to-know-about-sat-prep-classes\">that can cost hundreds of dollars elsewhere\u003c/a>. Aspiring graduate students can find \u003ca href=\"https://www.norfolkpubliclibrary.org/learning-research/test-prep\">resources\u003c/a> for exams such as the GRE, LSAT, MCAT and MAT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Librarians can help with school projects too. If you need to research something, they can identify relevant books or order them from other branches for you. Bhat says a lot of kids come in looking for help with biographies.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>5. Take free fitness, hobby and language classes\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Some libraries often offer fun, free programming you’d pay money for elsewhere. \u003ca href=\"https://www.queenslibrary.org/programs-activities/health-wellness/fitness-classes\">Queens Public Library\u003c/a> in New York offers workout classes ranging from yoga to tai chi to Zumba, saving patrons potentially hundreds of dollars in monthly class fees at a fitness studio.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Libraries can also help you find a new hobby. You can join a \u003ca href=\"https://www.madisonpubliclibrary.org/new/knitting-clubs\">knitting club\u003c/a>, learn \u003ca href=\"https://eriecounty-pa.libguides.com/c.php?g=1083575&p=7898482\">photography\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.cityofmadison.com/news/madison-public-librarys-naturalist-in-residence-program-encourages-madisonians-to-explore-nature\">take a class with a naturalist\u003c/a>. Some locations will even let patrons borrow the necessary gear. \u003ca href=\"https://www.sun-sentinel.com/2019/05/30/backpacks-full-of-bird-watching-supplies-available-for-checkout-at-some-county-libraries/\">Libraries in Florida\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://libwww.freelibrary.org/blog/post/4850\">Philadelphia\u003c/a>, for example, have “birding backpacks” that come equipped with items for \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2021/05/21/999050796/a-field-guide-for-fledgling-birders\">birdwatching\u003c/a>, like binoculars and field guides to help identify local birds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And many libraries grant patrons access to \u003ca href=\"https://www.bpl.org/learning-tools/language-learning/\">online language learning resources\u003c/a> such as \u003ca href=\"https://warrenpl.org/language-learning/\">Mango Languages\u003c/a>, a service that has courses for over 70 languages.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>6. Attend free concerts and performances\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Save money on live music by checking out what your local branch has to offer. The New York Public Library’s performance art space, for example, has \u003ca href=\"https://www.nypl.org/events/calendar?keyword=&target%5B%5D=ad&target%5B%5D=ya&target%5B%5D=cr&city%5B%5D=bx&city%5B%5D=man&city%5B%5D=si&location=&type=4324&topic=4277&audience=&series=\">upcoming concerts\u003c/a> featuring a choir and a quartet. And people can \u003ca href=\"https://visit.lacountylibrary.org/events?r=thismonth\">watch a classical guitarist or a harpist perform\u003c/a> at different libraries in Los Angeles County.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>7. Access free social services\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In addition to recreation and entertainment, many libraries in the U.S. offer programs to support the community. People who need help finding a job can take \u003ca href=\"https://www.dclibrary.org/using-the-library/computer-classes\">computer literacy courses\u003c/a> and get assistance with \u003ca href=\"https://www.lcplin.org/job-application-help\">applications\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.phoenixpubliclibrary.org/browse/interest-guides/business-and-work/job-help-resources\">interview prep\u003c/a>. Immigrants can take \u003ca href=\"https://rutherfordlibrary.org/esl/\">English as a Second Language (ESL) classes\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.faylib.org/event/8809406\">classes\u003c/a> to prepare them for their U.S. citizenship exam.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Libraries also provide resources for practical matters. Around \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/02/22/1158816222/how-to-prepare-for-tax-season\">tax time\u003c/a>, check if there are \u003ca href=\"https://hcpl.net/tax-services/\">volunteer tax experts\u003c/a> available to give you advice and \u003ca href=\"https://kcls.org/tax-help/\">help you file for free\u003c/a>. At Threet’s library, patrons can \u003ca href=\"https://solanolibrary.com/services/lawyers-at-your-library/\">book time with a lawyer\u003c/a> if they need legal advice. “We have volunteer lawyers who will meet with people for 15 to 20 minutes at a time on a monthly basis,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Johnson says library resources like these aim to level the playing field. “The hope is that people use our services to educate and inform themselves, and gain wisdom about any topic under the sun.”\u003c/p>\n\u003chr>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The audio was edited by Meghan Keane and Sylvie Douglis. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Kaz Fantone.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Want more Life Kit? Subscribe to our weekly newsletter and get expert advice on topics like money, relationships, health and more. \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit\">\u003cem>Click here to subscribe now\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=7+surprising+ways+the+public+library+can+help+you+save+money&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Everyone knows you can save money on books by checking them out at the library instead of buying them. But did you know that libraries can help you save on other things too?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some locations, you can borrow tools (saving a purchase at the hardware store), take free language classes and even get free tickets to local museums and attractions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The resources that your library has to offer will depend on its size and funding, which comes in part from taxpayer dollars and donor funds. These perks are part of the public library’s mission to serve the \u003ca href=\"https://newamericans.ala.org/white-paper/part-2/assess-community-needs/\">needs of the local community\u003c/a>, says \u003ca href=\"https://milwaukeenns.org/2020/12/28/5-things-to-know-about-joan-johnson-milwaukees-new-library-director/\">Joan Johnson\u003c/a>, library director at Milwaukee Public Library. “Libraries are one of the most important parts of the social infrastructure. The possibilities for how you explore are endless.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To take advantage of these money-saving benefits, sign up for a library card, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@mychal3ts\">Mychal Threets\u003c/a>, the supervising librarian at the Fairfield Civic Center Library in Fairfield, Calif. Then check out the library website or simply walk into your local library and talk to a librarian.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here are 7 surprising ways the library can help you save money.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>1. Before you buy something, see if you can borrow it from the library\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Libraries offer all kinds of items on loan. “\u003ca href=\"https://solanolibrary.com/catalog/special-collections/#1611252737404-0cfc29f9-537b\">Video games\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.bklynlibrary.org/locations/central/musicloan\">musical instruments\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.grpl.org/boardgame/\">board games\u003c/a>. Some libraries have \u003ca href=\"https://nolalibrary.org/location-specific-services/cake-pans/\">bakeware collections\u003c/a> where you can get baking pans,” says Threets.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Akhila Bhat, branch manager at Harris County Public Library in Katy, Texas, says her library system has a \u003ca href=\"https://hcpl.net/blogs/post/seed-libraries-and-gardening-resources/\">seed library\u003c/a>. “Patrons can pick up seeds to start a garden and drop off seeds for others to take home and plant.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, libraries like the Providence Public Library in Rhode Island \u003ca href=\"https://www.provlib.org/using-the-library/tools/\">have tools you can check out\u003c/a>. That includes a cordless drill, safety goggles and a laser level.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>2. Reserve free tickets to local museums and attractions\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In some places, you can get free or discounted tickets to local attractions in your city or town. The Nashville Public Library, for example, \u003ca href=\"https://library.nashville.org/services/community-passports\">offers free passes\u003c/a> to the Cheekwood Estate and Gardens (saving patrons $29 in admission fees), the Country Music Hall of Fame (saving about $28) and the National Museum of African American Music (saving about $27). And \u003ca href=\"https://www.parks.ca.gov/?page_id=30806\">library card holders in California\u003c/a> can gain free entry to over 200 state parks, \u003ca href=\"https://www.parks.ca.gov/?page_id=23887\">saving patrons $20 in entry fees\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>3. Print out your documents at a discount\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>You can use the computers to print out documents like plane tickets, concert tickets or shipping labels. There’s usually a small fee, but it’s often cheaper than printing at an office supply store or a shipping center, says Threets. For example, it costs \u003ca href=\"https://www.bklynlibrary.org/use-the-library/print#anchor5\">10 cents\u003c/a> to print a page in black and white at the Brooklyn Public Library in New York, and \u003ca href=\"https://www.office.fedex.com/default/copies.html?CMP=KNC-8000047-68-9-950-1110000-US-US-EN-123650:123823:2201363&gclid=Cj0KCQjwqP2pBhDMARIsAJQ0CzoVnNp_CfN8GU5F28Wv_0hYbdk6hepsPQdKcTy3eIWHXPEp6p5rd5caAvVGEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds\">23 cents\u003c/a> at Fedex.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>4. Get free help with homework and standardized tests\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Your library card may grant you access to free \u003ca href=\"https://www.brainfuse.com/highed/helpNow.asp?a_id=394E70AB&ss=&r=\">online help from expert tutors\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.gwinnettpl.org/news/access-tutor-com/\">Tutor.com\u003c/a>, which offers live one-on-one homework help for students in K-12 and higher education. It’s a sweet deal considering that hourly rates for a private tutor \u003ca href=\"https://tutors.com/costs/#:~:text=a%20tutor%20cost%3F-,%2425%20%2D%20%2480%20%2Fhr,%24150%20to%20%24200%20per%20month.\">can range from $25-80 an hour\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you’re preparing for college, check out whether your local branch has resources for standardized tests like the \u003ca href=\"https://www.broward.org/Library/Pages/SATACTProgram.aspx\">SAT or ACT\u003c/a>. Broward County Library in Florida, for example, has a free 10-hour test prep workshop for high school students \u003ca href=\"https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/articles/2019-10-25/what-to-know-about-sat-prep-classes\">that can cost hundreds of dollars elsewhere\u003c/a>. Aspiring graduate students can find \u003ca href=\"https://www.norfolkpubliclibrary.org/learning-research/test-prep\">resources\u003c/a> for exams such as the GRE, LSAT, MCAT and MAT.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Librarians can help with school projects too. If you need to research something, they can identify relevant books or order them from other branches for you. Bhat says a lot of kids come in looking for help with biographies.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>5. Take free fitness, hobby and language classes\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Some libraries often offer fun, free programming you’d pay money for elsewhere. \u003ca href=\"https://www.queenslibrary.org/programs-activities/health-wellness/fitness-classes\">Queens Public Library\u003c/a> in New York offers workout classes ranging from yoga to tai chi to Zumba, saving patrons potentially hundreds of dollars in monthly class fees at a fitness studio.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Libraries can also help you find a new hobby. You can join a \u003ca href=\"https://www.madisonpubliclibrary.org/new/knitting-clubs\">knitting club\u003c/a>, learn \u003ca href=\"https://eriecounty-pa.libguides.com/c.php?g=1083575&p=7898482\">photography\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.cityofmadison.com/news/madison-public-librarys-naturalist-in-residence-program-encourages-madisonians-to-explore-nature\">take a class with a naturalist\u003c/a>. Some locations will even let patrons borrow the necessary gear. \u003ca href=\"https://www.sun-sentinel.com/2019/05/30/backpacks-full-of-bird-watching-supplies-available-for-checkout-at-some-county-libraries/\">Libraries in Florida\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://libwww.freelibrary.org/blog/post/4850\">Philadelphia\u003c/a>, for example, have “birding backpacks” that come equipped with items for \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2021/05/21/999050796/a-field-guide-for-fledgling-birders\">birdwatching\u003c/a>, like binoculars and field guides to help identify local birds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And many libraries grant patrons access to \u003ca href=\"https://www.bpl.org/learning-tools/language-learning/\">online language learning resources\u003c/a> such as \u003ca href=\"https://warrenpl.org/language-learning/\">Mango Languages\u003c/a>, a service that has courses for over 70 languages.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>6. Attend free concerts and performances\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Save money on live music by checking out what your local branch has to offer. The New York Public Library’s performance art space, for example, has \u003ca href=\"https://www.nypl.org/events/calendar?keyword=&target%5B%5D=ad&target%5B%5D=ya&target%5B%5D=cr&city%5B%5D=bx&city%5B%5D=man&city%5B%5D=si&location=&type=4324&topic=4277&audience=&series=\">upcoming concerts\u003c/a> featuring a choir and a quartet. And people can \u003ca href=\"https://visit.lacountylibrary.org/events?r=thismonth\">watch a classical guitarist or a harpist perform\u003c/a> at different libraries in Los Angeles County.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>7. Access free social services\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In addition to recreation and entertainment, many libraries in the U.S. offer programs to support the community. People who need help finding a job can take \u003ca href=\"https://www.dclibrary.org/using-the-library/computer-classes\">computer literacy courses\u003c/a> and get assistance with \u003ca href=\"https://www.lcplin.org/job-application-help\">applications\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.phoenixpubliclibrary.org/browse/interest-guides/business-and-work/job-help-resources\">interview prep\u003c/a>. Immigrants can take \u003ca href=\"https://rutherfordlibrary.org/esl/\">English as a Second Language (ESL) classes\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.faylib.org/event/8809406\">classes\u003c/a> to prepare them for their U.S. citizenship exam.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Libraries also provide resources for practical matters. Around \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/02/22/1158816222/how-to-prepare-for-tax-season\">tax time\u003c/a>, check if there are \u003ca href=\"https://hcpl.net/tax-services/\">volunteer tax experts\u003c/a> available to give you advice and \u003ca href=\"https://kcls.org/tax-help/\">help you file for free\u003c/a>. At Threet’s library, patrons can \u003ca href=\"https://solanolibrary.com/services/lawyers-at-your-library/\">book time with a lawyer\u003c/a> if they need legal advice. “We have volunteer lawyers who will meet with people for 15 to 20 minutes at a time on a monthly basis,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Johnson says library resources like these aim to level the playing field. “The hope is that people use our services to educate and inform themselves, and gain wisdom about any topic under the sun.”\u003c/p>\n\u003chr>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The audio was edited by Meghan Keane and Sylvie Douglis. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Kaz Fantone.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Want more Life Kit? Subscribe to our weekly newsletter and get expert advice on topics like money, relationships, health and more. \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit\">\u003cem>Click here to subscribe now\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=7+surprising+ways+the+public+library+can+help+you+save+money&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"slug": "what-to-do-when-gentle-parenting-fails",
"title": "What To Do When 'Gentle parenting' Fails",
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"headTitle": "What To Do When ‘Gentle parenting’ Fails | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Recently there has been a movement on social media and the parenting community more broadly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">to practice “gentle parenting.”\u003c/a> The exact definition of gentle parenting is not completely clear because it is not a term that has been studied in the research or used by psychologists in clinical practice. The term \u003ca href=\"https://sarahockwell-smith.com/\">gentle parenting\u003c/a> is credited to British author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books on the topic. Gentle parenting has since become a buzzword and been co-opted by countless parenting influencers on social media. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Reassuringly though, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem to be based on principles that nearly every child psychologist or expert in child development would endorse such as respecting the child, taking the child’s perspective into account, empathizing with and validating your child and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences. However, where gentle parenting seems to deviate from research-backed parenting programs is in what to do when you encounter behavior problems even after you start using these more positive strategies or when it is not possible to use these positive parenting strategies. Most evidence-based parenting programs work on these gentle or positive parenting skills first and then move to other techniques that help parents to handle the behavior problems that inevitably come up even \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">after\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> working on these positive, relationship-building strategies. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are clearly some parents that gentle parenting works well for, or it wouldn’t have gained such a strong following. If gentle parenting is working for you, that is wonderful and there is no reason to change what you are doing. However, many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual child and family. Research backs up this experience and suggests that gentle parenting strategies alone may not be effective for every situation and every child. Specifically, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15295192.2018.1465304\">not as effective for more serious challenging behavior\u003c/a>, such as aggression, or for children that are oppositional or harder to manage\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, we as parents would all \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">love\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> if simply validating and empathizing with our child’s emotions was all we needed to do — but in the real world it doesn’t seem to be so simple. It is easy to stay calm and validate your child’s emotions when you are calm and everything is going well but nearly all parents reach a point of overwhelm during which they just can’t be the gentle parent they want to be. In these moments, parents may be tempted to resort to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies, like yelling or spanking, instead of using research-backed strategies that are not technically “gentle parenting” but are less harsh and might actually work. Sometimes gentle parenting strategies may even result in a pattern of increasingly frequent episodes of challenging behavior, which makes gentle parenting more difficult because you as the parent eventually get worn down, or the parent-child relationship suffers due to a lack of positive interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Real life may also get in the way. You can empathize with your child that they hate wearing socks but at some point you have to get them to put on their socks and shoes or you will be late for school. You may also have other children and responsibilities that make gentle parenting difficult. It is hard to “help your child to stop hitting” when you are breastfeeding a newborn or making dinner for your family. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although the overarching principles of gentle parenting may resonate with many parents (I know they do for me), these same parents may still feel at a loss for how to apply these principles in the more difficult situations of parenting. So what happens when gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working? Or maybe gentle parenting does work most of the time but doesn’t work in some situations, such as when either you or your child is having an off day? The strategies listed below are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommended by most gentle parenting advocates but \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">are\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently supported by research and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. If gentle parenting is working for you, of course, you do not \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">need\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to use these strategies but if you are one of the many parents who feel like you might need something more, the following strategies may be helpful for you. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>What to do when gentle parenting isn’t working\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Use consequences:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Consequences seem to be a bad word in the gentle parenting sphere. Gentle parenting advocates suggest that the problem with consequences is that we want our children to be internally motivated to behave rather than responding only to externally imposed consequences, such as having an internal motivation to be kind rather than being kind simply to avoid losing iPad time. Yet it is important to keep in mind that all behavior has consequences regardless of whether you impose them or not. Imagine this situation: Your child takes a toy from their brother and you go over and empathize with them that it is hard to see your brother play with a toy you want but it still isn’t okay to take the toy. Your child then has the positive consequence of gaining access to the toy \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">getting your attention. Whether it was your intention or not, you just increased the likelihood of them snatching a toy in the future. All humans respond to these laws of behavior. Even as an adult, you may consider yourself intrinsically motivated to be a conscientious person but if there were no penalties for speeding, would you always drive under the speed limit? And if you got a ticket would you be more careful about speeding in the future?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In particular, research consistently finds that \u003c/span>\u003cb>\u003ci>logical consequences\u003c/i>\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are related to improved \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://research.bangor.ac.uk/portal/files/23231845/Leijten_et_al_2019_JAACAP_Key_Parenting_Program_Components.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003ca href=\"http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/mageaug/Articles/Joussemet_Mageau_Koestner_2013.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in children. Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior so they make sense to children. Logical consequences can include any of the following: making them stop play to get an ice pack or a bandaid for another child that they hurt, leaving the playground when they aren’t following the rules, cleaning up a mess that they made before they are allowed to move on to the next activity, not having time to watch their favorite show because they didn’t clean their room when you asked, and losing access to a toy when they don’t use it appropriately. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2020_RobichaudMageauSoenens_TheRoleofLogical.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that logical consequences may even be linked with \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increased\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> intrinsic motivation to follow the rules. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018_MageauLesssardEtal.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also suggests that logical consequences are more effective than simply reminding children of the rule or limit. Although \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131778\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> indicates that it is important for parents to remind children of the rule or limit and explain why it exists, research also suggests that parents sometimes need to use consequences alongside this type of verbal reasoning in order to positively impact behavior. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.proquest.com/openview/fd4fe3695828fd077fb647bf034d35c2/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=25922\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that this type of verbal reasoning only works to improve behavior and reduce aggression with toddlers if parents followed through on consequences some of the time (at least 10% of the time).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Selective attention/planned ignoring:\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2019.1663184\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. To use your attention to improve your child’s behavior and make your day-to-day parenting a little easier, try to make a concerted effort to pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors. This is called “selective attention.” So if your child is whining to get your attention, make an effort to notice and praise whenever they use a “normal voice”. However, if simply noticing and praising the positive behavior doesn’t seem to be working, it is okay to ignore more minor misbehavior, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing or asking the same questions over and over again. Sometimes children and parents get into a bad cycle where negative behaviors get more attention than positive behaviors so to get out of this cycle, parents may have to both pay more attention to positive behavior \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> ignore some negative behavior.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents are only using more gentle parenting strategies like emotion coaching for challenging behavior, which is a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-012-0322-1\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">great research-backed strategy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors than positive behaviors which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a situation in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most research-backed parenting programs, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(PCIT), advise parents to use ignoring for minor challenging behavior. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530857/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this type of brief ignoring of minor behavior is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/224025331_Mothers'_Perceptions_of_Young_Children_Parenting_and_Young_Children's_Behavior_Problems\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improved behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6173420/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduced non-compliance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> (translation: children being more likely to listen to parents). An important note about ignoring: Ideally parents should only ignore minor challenging behavior that has the goal of gaining attention. It doesn’t make sense to ignore any behavior related to emotional dysregulation, since your child may genuinely need your help with calming down, or a more serious behavior like aggression, since you need to step in to keep your child and others safe. It is also important to remember that you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. When the child stops the behavior, make sure to pay attention and notice and praise any positive behavior. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Try timeout\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: It seems that one of the core tenets of gentle parenting is that timeout is harmful to children and some gentle parenting advocates go so far as to equate timeout with physical abuse. Yet, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">research does not find any evidence for harm associated with timeout\u003c/a> and even finds that it may be linked with positive outcomes. Research also indicates that timeout is very effective in improving behavior. In particular, timeout may be helpful at times when a parent is at risk for using more harsh discipline strategies. For example, when you feel “triggered” as a parent, timeout can give you all a chance to calm down in order to effectively deal with a difficult situation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/ccch/Risk_factors_for_childhood_mental_health_symptoms_Bayer.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with worse mental health in children. If timeout gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might be the right choice for you and your family. The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to timeout. Yet, research has yet to determine whether “time-in” is an effective strategy. If “time-in” works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use it. However, if it is not working for you or your child, feel free to use another approach like timeout without guilt. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use timeout, follow your instincts and don’t use it. Research does not indicate that you \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">must \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">use timeout in order to be an effective parent. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Take care of yourself before your children\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The advice of gentle parenting advocates sometimes doesn’t seem to acknowledge that parents are people too. We have feelings, needs and desires that matter. For example, many gentle parenting advocates suggest that parents should never tell their children when they make you feel sad or angry because this may cause codependency. Of course we do not want to use our feelings to manipulate or guilt our children, but we have no evidence that honestly sharing our emotions with our children has any negative impacts and we do have \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some evidence that hiding your emotions from your child is \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2020-26571-001.pdf\">associated with more stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. It is also impossible to help your children to regulate their emotions when you are feeling dysregulated, as is often the case when your children are dysregulated — \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4604752/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">particularly if you are an empathetic person\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some gentle parenting proponents fail to mention that it is more than okay if you need to take care of your own emotional needs before your children’s. This might mean telling your children that you can’t play with them because you are too stressed or busy. It could be walking away from a situation and calming yourself down before you calm them down. It could be ignoring their demands until you have met your own needs. As parents we often put our children first, but being a good parent may also involve occasionally \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">putting yourself first\u003c/a>. If you feel guilty about this then remember that even if you could be a person devoid of all emotions and the perfectly calm co-regulator for your child, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation for all future relationships — future friendships and spouses will never be able to completely put aside their own feelings in every scenario. It might cause guilt in the moment but remember that you are modeling \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62649/mental-health-tools-for-tweens-by-phyllis-fagell\">healthy emotional regulation\u003c/a> when you take care of yourself first. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research supports the core tenets of gentle parenting, which include validating and empathizing with your child’s emotions, enhancing the parent-child relationship, giving your child positive attention, assuming the best of your child and modeling for children the behavior you want to see. However, for some children and parents and in some situations, these strategies don’t seem to be effective. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, it does \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> mean that you have failed at being a gentle parent— only that it might be time to try something else. It is important to remember that these strategies have not been found to be effective for all families. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, parents should feel free to try using evidence-based strategies such as consequences, timeout, ignoring, and taking care of yourself before your child. Above all, it is important for parents to remember that gentle parenting is a trend and not a religion — feel free to take the parts you like and leave the rest.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Recently there has been a movement on social media and the parenting community more broadly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">to practice “gentle parenting.”\u003c/a> The exact definition of gentle parenting is not completely clear because it is not a term that has been studied in the research or used by psychologists in clinical practice. The term \u003ca href=\"https://sarahockwell-smith.com/\">gentle parenting\u003c/a> is credited to British author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books on the topic. Gentle parenting has since become a buzzword and been co-opted by countless parenting influencers on social media. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Reassuringly though, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem to be based on principles that nearly every child psychologist or expert in child development would endorse such as respecting the child, taking the child’s perspective into account, empathizing with and validating your child and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences. However, where gentle parenting seems to deviate from research-backed parenting programs is in what to do when you encounter behavior problems even after you start using these more positive strategies or when it is not possible to use these positive parenting strategies. Most evidence-based parenting programs work on these gentle or positive parenting skills first and then move to other techniques that help parents to handle the behavior problems that inevitably come up even \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">after\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> working on these positive, relationship-building strategies. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are clearly some parents that gentle parenting works well for, or it wouldn’t have gained such a strong following. If gentle parenting is working for you, that is wonderful and there is no reason to change what you are doing. However, many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual child and family. Research backs up this experience and suggests that gentle parenting strategies alone may not be effective for every situation and every child. Specifically, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15295192.2018.1465304\">not as effective for more serious challenging behavior\u003c/a>, such as aggression, or for children that are oppositional or harder to manage\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, we as parents would all \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">love\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> if simply validating and empathizing with our child’s emotions was all we needed to do — but in the real world it doesn’t seem to be so simple. It is easy to stay calm and validate your child’s emotions when you are calm and everything is going well but nearly all parents reach a point of overwhelm during which they just can’t be the gentle parent they want to be. In these moments, parents may be tempted to resort to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies, like yelling or spanking, instead of using research-backed strategies that are not technically “gentle parenting” but are less harsh and might actually work. Sometimes gentle parenting strategies may even result in a pattern of increasingly frequent episodes of challenging behavior, which makes gentle parenting more difficult because you as the parent eventually get worn down, or the parent-child relationship suffers due to a lack of positive interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Real life may also get in the way. You can empathize with your child that they hate wearing socks but at some point you have to get them to put on their socks and shoes or you will be late for school. You may also have other children and responsibilities that make gentle parenting difficult. It is hard to “help your child to stop hitting” when you are breastfeeding a newborn or making dinner for your family. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although the overarching principles of gentle parenting may resonate with many parents (I know they do for me), these same parents may still feel at a loss for how to apply these principles in the more difficult situations of parenting. So what happens when gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working? Or maybe gentle parenting does work most of the time but doesn’t work in some situations, such as when either you or your child is having an off day? The strategies listed below are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommended by most gentle parenting advocates but \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">are\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently supported by research and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. If gentle parenting is working for you, of course, you do not \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">need\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to use these strategies but if you are one of the many parents who feel like you might need something more, the following strategies may be helpful for you. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>What to do when gentle parenting isn’t working\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Use consequences:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Consequences seem to be a bad word in the gentle parenting sphere. Gentle parenting advocates suggest that the problem with consequences is that we want our children to be internally motivated to behave rather than responding only to externally imposed consequences, such as having an internal motivation to be kind rather than being kind simply to avoid losing iPad time. Yet it is important to keep in mind that all behavior has consequences regardless of whether you impose them or not. Imagine this situation: Your child takes a toy from their brother and you go over and empathize with them that it is hard to see your brother play with a toy you want but it still isn’t okay to take the toy. Your child then has the positive consequence of gaining access to the toy \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">getting your attention. Whether it was your intention or not, you just increased the likelihood of them snatching a toy in the future. All humans respond to these laws of behavior. Even as an adult, you may consider yourself intrinsically motivated to be a conscientious person but if there were no penalties for speeding, would you always drive under the speed limit? And if you got a ticket would you be more careful about speeding in the future?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In particular, research consistently finds that \u003c/span>\u003cb>\u003ci>logical consequences\u003c/i>\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are related to improved \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://research.bangor.ac.uk/portal/files/23231845/Leijten_et_al_2019_JAACAP_Key_Parenting_Program_Components.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003ca href=\"http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/mageaug/Articles/Joussemet_Mageau_Koestner_2013.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in children. Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior so they make sense to children. Logical consequences can include any of the following: making them stop play to get an ice pack or a bandaid for another child that they hurt, leaving the playground when they aren’t following the rules, cleaning up a mess that they made before they are allowed to move on to the next activity, not having time to watch their favorite show because they didn’t clean their room when you asked, and losing access to a toy when they don’t use it appropriately. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2020_RobichaudMageauSoenens_TheRoleofLogical.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that logical consequences may even be linked with \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increased\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> intrinsic motivation to follow the rules. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018_MageauLesssardEtal.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also suggests that logical consequences are more effective than simply reminding children of the rule or limit. Although \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131778\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> indicates that it is important for parents to remind children of the rule or limit and explain why it exists, research also suggests that parents sometimes need to use consequences alongside this type of verbal reasoning in order to positively impact behavior. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.proquest.com/openview/fd4fe3695828fd077fb647bf034d35c2/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=25922\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that this type of verbal reasoning only works to improve behavior and reduce aggression with toddlers if parents followed through on consequences some of the time (at least 10% of the time).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Selective attention/planned ignoring:\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2019.1663184\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. To use your attention to improve your child’s behavior and make your day-to-day parenting a little easier, try to make a concerted effort to pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors. This is called “selective attention.” So if your child is whining to get your attention, make an effort to notice and praise whenever they use a “normal voice”. However, if simply noticing and praising the positive behavior doesn’t seem to be working, it is okay to ignore more minor misbehavior, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing or asking the same questions over and over again. Sometimes children and parents get into a bad cycle where negative behaviors get more attention than positive behaviors so to get out of this cycle, parents may have to both pay more attention to positive behavior \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> ignore some negative behavior.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents are only using more gentle parenting strategies like emotion coaching for challenging behavior, which is a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-012-0322-1\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">great research-backed strategy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors than positive behaviors which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a situation in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most research-backed parenting programs, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(PCIT), advise parents to use ignoring for minor challenging behavior. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530857/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this type of brief ignoring of minor behavior is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/224025331_Mothers'_Perceptions_of_Young_Children_Parenting_and_Young_Children's_Behavior_Problems\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improved behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6173420/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduced non-compliance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> (translation: children being more likely to listen to parents). An important note about ignoring: Ideally parents should only ignore minor challenging behavior that has the goal of gaining attention. It doesn’t make sense to ignore any behavior related to emotional dysregulation, since your child may genuinely need your help with calming down, or a more serious behavior like aggression, since you need to step in to keep your child and others safe. It is also important to remember that you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. When the child stops the behavior, make sure to pay attention and notice and praise any positive behavior. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Try timeout\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: It seems that one of the core tenets of gentle parenting is that timeout is harmful to children and some gentle parenting advocates go so far as to equate timeout with physical abuse. Yet, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">research does not find any evidence for harm associated with timeout\u003c/a> and even finds that it may be linked with positive outcomes. Research also indicates that timeout is very effective in improving behavior. In particular, timeout may be helpful at times when a parent is at risk for using more harsh discipline strategies. For example, when you feel “triggered” as a parent, timeout can give you all a chance to calm down in order to effectively deal with a difficult situation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/ccch/Risk_factors_for_childhood_mental_health_symptoms_Bayer.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with worse mental health in children. If timeout gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might be the right choice for you and your family. The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to timeout. Yet, research has yet to determine whether “time-in” is an effective strategy. If “time-in” works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use it. However, if it is not working for you or your child, feel free to use another approach like timeout without guilt. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use timeout, follow your instincts and don’t use it. Research does not indicate that you \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">must \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">use timeout in order to be an effective parent. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Take care of yourself before your children\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The advice of gentle parenting advocates sometimes doesn’t seem to acknowledge that parents are people too. We have feelings, needs and desires that matter. For example, many gentle parenting advocates suggest that parents should never tell their children when they make you feel sad or angry because this may cause codependency. Of course we do not want to use our feelings to manipulate or guilt our children, but we have no evidence that honestly sharing our emotions with our children has any negative impacts and we do have \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some evidence that hiding your emotions from your child is \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2020-26571-001.pdf\">associated with more stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. It is also impossible to help your children to regulate their emotions when you are feeling dysregulated, as is often the case when your children are dysregulated — \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4604752/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">particularly if you are an empathetic person\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some gentle parenting proponents fail to mention that it is more than okay if you need to take care of your own emotional needs before your children’s. This might mean telling your children that you can’t play with them because you are too stressed or busy. It could be walking away from a situation and calming yourself down before you calm them down. It could be ignoring their demands until you have met your own needs. As parents we often put our children first, but being a good parent may also involve occasionally \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">putting yourself first\u003c/a>. If you feel guilty about this then remember that even if you could be a person devoid of all emotions and the perfectly calm co-regulator for your child, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation for all future relationships — future friendships and spouses will never be able to completely put aside their own feelings in every scenario. It might cause guilt in the moment but remember that you are modeling \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62649/mental-health-tools-for-tweens-by-phyllis-fagell\">healthy emotional regulation\u003c/a> when you take care of yourself first. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research supports the core tenets of gentle parenting, which include validating and empathizing with your child’s emotions, enhancing the parent-child relationship, giving your child positive attention, assuming the best of your child and modeling for children the behavior you want to see. However, for some children and parents and in some situations, these strategies don’t seem to be effective. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, it does \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> mean that you have failed at being a gentle parent— only that it might be time to try something else. It is important to remember that these strategies have not been found to be effective for all families. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, parents should feel free to try using evidence-based strategies such as consequences, timeout, ignoring, and taking care of yourself before your child. Above all, it is important for parents to remember that gentle parenting is a trend and not a religion — feel free to take the parts you like and leave the rest.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/how-to-help-your-anxious-child\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health concern in children. The rates of children with anxiety have been growing dramatically. In 2021, a meta-analysis (translation: a study that combines data from all previous studies) found that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2782796\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">20.5% of children worldwide have symptoms of anxiety\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This post will help parents address many of your common questions on anxiety, including:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How do you know if your child has anxiety?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What are the common anxiety disorders in children?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Is your child’s anxiety your “fault” as a parent?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What can you do to help your child?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When and how should you seek professional help for your child?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>How do you know if your child has anxiety?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It is very normal for children to have fears that seem irrational or out of proportion to the danger actually posed, such as being afraid of the dark or worried about their parents leaving. However, most children seem to outgrow these fears with age and/or the fears do not interfere with the child’s ability to make friends, go to school, sleep or engage in other activities that are important to the child and the family. Parents should be concerned if the fear or anxiety does not seem typical for their age or if it starts to interfere with important activities for your child, such as sleep, school or important family activities.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Children with anxiety may show some of the following symptoms:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Complaining of stomach or head problems\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Difficulty falling or staying asleep\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Difficulty concentrating\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Seeming overly tired or on edge\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Excessive worrying\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Avoiding certain things or activities\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Irritability or being more prone to anger\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It is also important to note that anxiety can look different in children than in adults. For children, it is common that anxiety involves physical complaints (stomachache, headache or being tired or unable to sleep) or looks more like irritability and anger than nervousness. Young children also may not be able to describe their anxious thoughts or even accept that their thoughts are irrational or unreasonable. Older children may know their thoughts are unreasonable but not be able to control them or still feel anxious.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety in children can include any of the following diagnoses:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Generalized anxiety disorder\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Children with generalized anxiety disorder show a general pattern of anxiety that is not specific to a particular object or event. They worry constantly about a variety of topics and show physical signs of anxiety, such as stomaches or a racing heart). Their anxiety is so distressing that it interferes with school and other activities.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Separation anxiety disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Most children don’t like being separated from their primary caregivers but children with separation anxiety disorder show an extreme response to separation that is more intense or lasts longer than other children their age. They may refuse separation or worry that something may happen to the caregiver while they are away.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Social anxiety disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Children with social anxiety disorder are very afraid of social situations. Older children may be very worried about being judged or viewed negatively by others. This could result in school avoidance or avoiding other types of social situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Panic disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Panic disorder is diagnosed when children have regular, unpredictable panic attacks and have a persistent worry about having another one. A panic attack may involve a sudden feeling of heart pounding, trouble breathing, dizziness or feeling shaky and sweaty.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Specific phobias:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> A specific phobia is strong fear about a particular situation or object. These fears are so intense that they cause extreme distress and/or stop the child from going places or doing things they want to do. Common examples include going to the doctor or dentist, dogs, thunderstorms and vomit.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Selective mutism\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Selective mutism occurs when children have trouble talking or refuse to talk in situations that are new or uncomfortable for them. They do not have trouble communicating with familiar people in familiar situations but they only have trouble talking in anxiety-provoking situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Is your child’s anxiety your “fault” as a parent?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">meta-analysis\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(translation: a study which combines data from all previous studies on the topic) found that only 4% of the variance in child anxiety is related to parenting. This means that most cases of childhood anxiety are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">caused or made worse by parenting. For most children, there is nothing you did or did not do to cause your child’s anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">However, just because parenting is unlikely to have caused anxiety, it does not mean that there is nothing you can do to help your child learn how to cope with anxiety or reduce their experience of anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What can I do to help my child?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research finds that parents may play a clear role in helping their child to cope with anxiety. In fact, a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30851397/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that training parents in effective ways to manage their child’s anxiety was just as effective in reducing anxiety symptoms as direct child therapy.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So what can you do to help your anxious child, according to research?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Explain what anxiety is and take away the shame:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Explain to your child that there is nothing wrong with them and that anxiety itself is not “bad”— anxiety is there to protect them. You can describe their brain as being more likely to have “false alarms” meaning their brain is telling them there is danger when really they are safe. Explain that this happens to everyone and maybe even give an example of when it happened to you as a child or an adult.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>When your child is anxious, avoid any “accommodating behaviors”:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Be careful not to provide too much reassurance or help the child to avoid what makes them anxious. These are called “accommodating behaviors” by psychologists. Many well-intentioned parents of anxious children get in the pattern of shielding their child or avoiding anything that might trigger anxiety. Yet, we know from\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3932435/\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> that avoiding anxiety-provoking events only makes anxiety worse and keeps the child reliant on their parents coping with the situation for them so they don’t learn skills for coping with their anxiety independently. It also reinforces that the situation is something they should be afraid of (since even their parents seem worried) and communicates to children that they are not capable of handling it on their own. Examples can include always speaking for a shy child, answering repetitive questions when a child is worried about something or avoiding events that might make your child anxious.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Validate and empathize with anxiety:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> At the same time, parents also do not want to ignore or invalidate their child’s anxiety. They should acknowledge that the child’s anxiety is “real” and is difficult for them, even if it seems irrational to the parent. For example: “I can tell that was really scary for you.”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage children to face their fears:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> After acknowledging and empathizing with their child’s anxiety, parents should then encourage them to gradually and gently face their fears. Parents should work with their children to take “baby steps” to facing their fears. For example: “This really makes you feel nervous but I know you can handle it.”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Praise any “brave” behavior:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> When children successfully face their fears or even when they take a “baby step” toward facing their fears, parents should give children a lot of praise and positive attention. When doing this, parents should acknowledge that the child was anxious and that it was very difficult but they did it anyway, rather than invalidating their experience with something like “See, that wasn’t so bad!”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Help your child learn to tolerate uncertainty:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Many children and adults with anxiety will try to avoid anxiety by reducing uncertainty in their environment. Help your child to face uncertainty and learn to tolerate uncertainty by gradually exposing them to more uncertainty in their environment. This could include not answering repetitive questions, packing them a slightly different snack every day, trying out new activities even if they are nervous, driving a different way to school or changing the order of a routine.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage your child’s independence and ability to make choices on their own\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Allow your child the freedom to make mistakes, take risks and even make the “wrong” decision.\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that parents who are overly controlling are more likely to have a child with anxiety. Although this parenting practice could reflect the parents’ anxiety themselves, it also makes sense that this behavior may hurt children’s confidence.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>When and how do I seek professional help?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although parents can certainly help their children to cope with anxiety, it is also important to seek professional help when needed for childhood anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How do you know if you need to seek help? Parents should seek help for any of the following reasons:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Their child’s anxiety seems to be interfering with important functions such as sleep, eating, school or activities that they used to enjoy\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The strategies they are trying to manage their child’s anxiety don’t seem to be helping or are making the anxiety worse\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The child has been exposed to a traumatic situation which is causing anxiety\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The child’s anxiety seems to be getting worse over time\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If you do think your child needs professional help, ask your pediatrician or school counselor for a referral to a psychologist, doctor or other mental health professional. They may conduct an evaluation, which will likely involve some questionnaires and talking to you and your child about their symptoms. After the evaluation, you will be told whether your child meets criteria for an anxiety disorder and what your treatment options might be.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Therapy and medication are very effective for treating childhood anxiety. In particular,\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa0804633\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps most children with anxiety show improvement in symptoms\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-019-00303-2\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also finds that therapy with “in-session exposure” (translation: exposing children to what makes them anxious during the therapy session) may help to improve anxiety symptoms. Parents can ask providers whether they have been trained in CBT and use exposure in their sessions in order to determine if their approach is backed by research.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/how-to-help-your-anxious-child\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health concern in children. The rates of children with anxiety have been growing dramatically. In 2021, a meta-analysis (translation: a study that combines data from all previous studies) found that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2782796\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">20.5% of children worldwide have symptoms of anxiety\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This post will help parents address many of your common questions on anxiety, including:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How do you know if your child has anxiety?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What are the common anxiety disorders in children?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Is your child’s anxiety your “fault” as a parent?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What can you do to help your child?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When and how should you seek professional help for your child?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>How do you know if your child has anxiety?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It is very normal for children to have fears that seem irrational or out of proportion to the danger actually posed, such as being afraid of the dark or worried about their parents leaving. However, most children seem to outgrow these fears with age and/or the fears do not interfere with the child’s ability to make friends, go to school, sleep or engage in other activities that are important to the child and the family. Parents should be concerned if the fear or anxiety does not seem typical for their age or if it starts to interfere with important activities for your child, such as sleep, school or important family activities.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Children with anxiety may show some of the following symptoms:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Complaining of stomach or head problems\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Difficulty falling or staying asleep\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Difficulty concentrating\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Seeming overly tired or on edge\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Excessive worrying\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Avoiding certain things or activities\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Irritability or being more prone to anger\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It is also important to note that anxiety can look different in children than in adults. For children, it is common that anxiety involves physical complaints (stomachache, headache or being tired or unable to sleep) or looks more like irritability and anger than nervousness. Young children also may not be able to describe their anxious thoughts or even accept that their thoughts are irrational or unreasonable. Older children may know their thoughts are unreasonable but not be able to control them or still feel anxious.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety in children can include any of the following diagnoses:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Generalized anxiety disorder\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Children with generalized anxiety disorder show a general pattern of anxiety that is not specific to a particular object or event. They worry constantly about a variety of topics and show physical signs of anxiety, such as stomaches or a racing heart). Their anxiety is so distressing that it interferes with school and other activities.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Separation anxiety disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Most children don’t like being separated from their primary caregivers but children with separation anxiety disorder show an extreme response to separation that is more intense or lasts longer than other children their age. They may refuse separation or worry that something may happen to the caregiver while they are away.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Social anxiety disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Children with social anxiety disorder are very afraid of social situations. Older children may be very worried about being judged or viewed negatively by others. This could result in school avoidance or avoiding other types of social situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Panic disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Panic disorder is diagnosed when children have regular, unpredictable panic attacks and have a persistent worry about having another one. A panic attack may involve a sudden feeling of heart pounding, trouble breathing, dizziness or feeling shaky and sweaty.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Specific phobias:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> A specific phobia is strong fear about a particular situation or object. These fears are so intense that they cause extreme distress and/or stop the child from going places or doing things they want to do. Common examples include going to the doctor or dentist, dogs, thunderstorms and vomit.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Selective mutism\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Selective mutism occurs when children have trouble talking or refuse to talk in situations that are new or uncomfortable for them. They do not have trouble communicating with familiar people in familiar situations but they only have trouble talking in anxiety-provoking situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Is your child’s anxiety your “fault” as a parent?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">meta-analysis\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(translation: a study which combines data from all previous studies on the topic) found that only 4% of the variance in child anxiety is related to parenting. This means that most cases of childhood anxiety are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">caused or made worse by parenting. For most children, there is nothing you did or did not do to cause your child’s anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">However, just because parenting is unlikely to have caused anxiety, it does not mean that there is nothing you can do to help your child learn how to cope with anxiety or reduce their experience of anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What can I do to help my child?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research finds that parents may play a clear role in helping their child to cope with anxiety. In fact, a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30851397/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that training parents in effective ways to manage their child’s anxiety was just as effective in reducing anxiety symptoms as direct child therapy.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So what can you do to help your anxious child, according to research?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Explain what anxiety is and take away the shame:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Explain to your child that there is nothing wrong with them and that anxiety itself is not “bad”— anxiety is there to protect them. You can describe their brain as being more likely to have “false alarms” meaning their brain is telling them there is danger when really they are safe. Explain that this happens to everyone and maybe even give an example of when it happened to you as a child or an adult.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>When your child is anxious, avoid any “accommodating behaviors”:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Be careful not to provide too much reassurance or help the child to avoid what makes them anxious. These are called “accommodating behaviors” by psychologists. Many well-intentioned parents of anxious children get in the pattern of shielding their child or avoiding anything that might trigger anxiety. Yet, we know from\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3932435/\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> that avoiding anxiety-provoking events only makes anxiety worse and keeps the child reliant on their parents coping with the situation for them so they don’t learn skills for coping with their anxiety independently. It also reinforces that the situation is something they should be afraid of (since even their parents seem worried) and communicates to children that they are not capable of handling it on their own. Examples can include always speaking for a shy child, answering repetitive questions when a child is worried about something or avoiding events that might make your child anxious.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Validate and empathize with anxiety:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> At the same time, parents also do not want to ignore or invalidate their child’s anxiety. They should acknowledge that the child’s anxiety is “real” and is difficult for them, even if it seems irrational to the parent. For example: “I can tell that was really scary for you.”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage children to face their fears:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> After acknowledging and empathizing with their child’s anxiety, parents should then encourage them to gradually and gently face their fears. Parents should work with their children to take “baby steps” to facing their fears. For example: “This really makes you feel nervous but I know you can handle it.”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Praise any “brave” behavior:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> When children successfully face their fears or even when they take a “baby step” toward facing their fears, parents should give children a lot of praise and positive attention. When doing this, parents should acknowledge that the child was anxious and that it was very difficult but they did it anyway, rather than invalidating their experience with something like “See, that wasn’t so bad!”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Help your child learn to tolerate uncertainty:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Many children and adults with anxiety will try to avoid anxiety by reducing uncertainty in their environment. Help your child to face uncertainty and learn to tolerate uncertainty by gradually exposing them to more uncertainty in their environment. This could include not answering repetitive questions, packing them a slightly different snack every day, trying out new activities even if they are nervous, driving a different way to school or changing the order of a routine.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage your child’s independence and ability to make choices on their own\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Allow your child the freedom to make mistakes, take risks and even make the “wrong” decision.\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that parents who are overly controlling are more likely to have a child with anxiety. Although this parenting practice could reflect the parents’ anxiety themselves, it also makes sense that this behavior may hurt children’s confidence.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>When and how do I seek professional help?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although parents can certainly help their children to cope with anxiety, it is also important to seek professional help when needed for childhood anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How do you know if you need to seek help? Parents should seek help for any of the following reasons:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Their child’s anxiety seems to be interfering with important functions such as sleep, eating, school or activities that they used to enjoy\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The strategies they are trying to manage their child’s anxiety don’t seem to be helping or are making the anxiety worse\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The child has been exposed to a traumatic situation which is causing anxiety\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The child’s anxiety seems to be getting worse over time\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If you do think your child needs professional help, ask your pediatrician or school counselor for a referral to a psychologist, doctor or other mental health professional. They may conduct an evaluation, which will likely involve some questionnaires and talking to you and your child about their symptoms. After the evaluation, you will be told whether your child meets criteria for an anxiety disorder and what your treatment options might be.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Therapy and medication are very effective for treating childhood anxiety. In particular,\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa0804633\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps most children with anxiety show improvement in symptoms\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-019-00303-2\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also finds that therapy with “in-session exposure” (translation: exposing children to what makes them anxious during the therapy session) may help to improve anxiety symptoms. Parents can ask providers whether they have been trained in CBT and use exposure in their sessions in order to determine if their approach is backed by research.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"slug": "curlfriends-new-in-town-reminds-us-that-there-can-be-positives-of-middle-school",
"title": "'Curlfriends: New In Town' Reminds Us That There Can Be Positives of Middle School",
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"headTitle": "‘Curlfriends: New In Town’ Reminds Us That There Can Be Positives of Middle School | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cp>Middle school. For teens, tweens and their parents, the two words can evoke heavy doses of anxiety, fear, even horror.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids are, all of sudden, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61868/student-podcasters-share-the-dark-realities-of-middle-school-in-america\">\u003cem>really\u003c/em> growing up\u003c/a>. Their \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60743/puberty-education-varies-widely-heres-a-science-based-period-talk-to-inform-both-kids-and-adults\">bodies are changing\u003c/a> in unexpected ways; they’re shedding some of their childhood interests and styles, and trying on new ones, for better and — sometimes — for worse. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57010/how-understanding-middle-school-friendships-can-help-students\">Friendships form, are torn apart, recalibrate\u003c/a>. Crushes abound. In the classroom, academic expectations amplify.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-62603\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends.jpg\" alt=\"Cover of Curlfriends: New in Town\" width=\"200\" height=\"287\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends.jpg 362w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends-160x230.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">But some books — like the new graphic novel, \u003cem>Curlfriends: New In Town\u003c/em>, the first volume in a debut young adult series written and drawn by author and artist \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/coilyandcute/\">Sharee Miller\u003c/a> — remind us of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59687/middle-schoolers-are-social-what-opportunity-does-that-create-for-learning\">many possibilities and excitements interwoven within those challenging years\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The book follows 12-year-old Charlie Harper, beginning around her first day of middle school, which she transfers into three weeks after the year has started. Charlie has spent most of her young life abroad, moving from school to school as her family followed her father’s job in the U.S. Air Force. Now he has retired from that job, and the three are settling down in the neighborhood where her parents grew up. Her mother is returning to work full-time as a pediatrician for the first time since Charlie was born. Her father is starting a new business with his childhood friend, and he will now be the parent who is around more often.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_62600\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\" style=\"max-width: 200px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-62600\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-1_custom-ba45d7ad583048a231b24b70fb2da512388267f7.jpg\" alt=\"page from Curlfriends graphic novel by Sharee Miller\" width=\"200\" height=\"271\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-1_custom-ba45d7ad583048a231b24b70fb2da512388267f7.jpg 200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-1_custom-ba45d7ad583048a231b24b70fb2da512388267f7-160x217.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">In Curlfriends: New In Town, 12-year-old Charlie Harper starts middle school in a new town. \u003ccite>(Little, Brown Ink)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>These are no small changes, and in order to cope Charlie has vowed, in the summer leading up to this move, to “completely reinvent myself, starting with my look.” She is tired of letting other people label her, and ready to take control of her own story.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Enter first day of school disaster: As she is walking into her new school building for the first time, hair done up, new contact lenses in, outfit perfected, a window washer outside the building accidentally knocks his bucket of water all over Charlie, and the entire set up is ruined. In just a few minutes she is back to looking like her old self.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What follows is a series of fortuitous meetings, first with Nola, the daughter of a hair stylist who helps Charlie redo her hair before showing her around the new building. Nola, who is both sensitive and outgoing, introduces Charlie to her lunchtime crew, which includes Cara, the easy-going track star with three boisterous brothers who prefers to wear her hair natural, and Ella, the confident, opinionated and always stylish future changemaker, who changes her upcycled outfits as often as her hair styles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_62601\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\" style=\"max-width: 200px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-62601\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-2_custom-083c3dfd63a79207d6343e439f9abc7cde9f3757.jpg\" alt=\"Charlie aims to create a certain look with her first-day-of-school outfit.\" width=\"200\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-2_custom-083c3dfd63a79207d6343e439f9abc7cde9f3757.jpg 200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-2_custom-083c3dfd63a79207d6343e439f9abc7cde9f3757-160x213.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Charlie aims to create a certain look with her first-day-of-school outfit. \u003ccite>(Little, Brown Ink)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Charlie is, in turns, thrilled and confused to be taken in by this group that quickly opens up to include her in their new text chain, which Ella nicknames \u003cem>curlfriends — \u003c/em>“since we’re friends and we all have curly hair. Isn’t it cute?” The girls come together around some of the shared particulars of their lives — namely, homework, girlhood and fashion and Black hair — even as their differences in tastes and dispositions propagate cracks of uncertainty, particularly in Charlie, who still lacks self-assurance. Ultimately, kindness and friendship prevail.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Curlfriends \u003c/em>is a delightful book, packed with sunny, buoyant illustrations, even as it also cuts into the heart of the challenging tensions that pervade this intermediate stage of life. Young teens want to be known and seen by their friends, as well as \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62189/school-shapes-teens-identities-and-relationships-what-role-do-teachers-play\">the adults in their lives\u003c/a>, but they are also still coming to terms with who they are — with who, and what, they actually want to be seen and known for. It can be tricky, for example, to distinguish between the passions and pastimes that your parents picked for you, or those you chose because your friends are into them and you want to spend time together, and those you actively care to pursue. It can be difficult, in other words, to figure out what you like, and what you are like.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Along with other popular middle school graphic novels, including \u003cem>The Baby-Sitters Club \u003c/em>adaptations, Kayla Miller’s \u003cem>Click\u003c/em> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60713/banned-books-newbery-medalist-jerry-craft-on-creating-possibilities-for-kids-in-stories\">Jerry Craft’s \u003cem>New Kid\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003cem>Curlfriends \u003c/em>is a book about finding one’s passions while navigating \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60624/young-adults-are-struggling-with-their-mental-health-is-more-childhood-independence-the-answer\">newfound responsibilities and independence\u003c/a> amid changing backdrops and social settings. Miller’s charming drawings, as well as her use of an ever-lively color palette, will be familiar to readers of her lively children’s picture books, including \u003cem>Don’t Touch My Hair \u003c/em>and \u003cem>Michelle’s Garden. \u003c/em>Like those other works, \u003cem>Curlfriends \u003c/em>is as much about expressions of self-pride and self-respect as it is about showing compassion, empathy and care for others.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The one constant in Charlie’s life is her love of drawing and art, and it’s through art that she finally figures out how to mark her place in this new world that is middle school. It’s not all exactly under her control but, as with good art, sometimes mistakes along the way end up making for the most exquisite details.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Tahneer Oksman is a writer, teacher and scholar specializing in memoir as well as graphic novels and comics. She lives in Brooklyn, NY.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=%27Curlfriends%3A+New+In+Town%27+reminds+us+that+there+can+be+positives+of+middle+school&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Middle school. For teens, tweens and their parents, the two words can evoke heavy doses of anxiety, fear, even horror.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids are, all of sudden, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61868/student-podcasters-share-the-dark-realities-of-middle-school-in-america\">\u003cem>really\u003c/em> growing up\u003c/a>. Their \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60743/puberty-education-varies-widely-heres-a-science-based-period-talk-to-inform-both-kids-and-adults\">bodies are changing\u003c/a> in unexpected ways; they’re shedding some of their childhood interests and styles, and trying on new ones, for better and — sometimes — for worse. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57010/how-understanding-middle-school-friendships-can-help-students\">Friendships form, are torn apart, recalibrate\u003c/a>. Crushes abound. In the classroom, academic expectations amplify.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-62603\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends.jpg\" alt=\"Cover of Curlfriends: New in Town\" width=\"200\" height=\"287\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends.jpg 362w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends-160x230.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">But some books — like the new graphic novel, \u003cem>Curlfriends: New In Town\u003c/em>, the first volume in a debut young adult series written and drawn by author and artist \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/coilyandcute/\">Sharee Miller\u003c/a> — remind us of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59687/middle-schoolers-are-social-what-opportunity-does-that-create-for-learning\">many possibilities and excitements interwoven within those challenging years\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The book follows 12-year-old Charlie Harper, beginning around her first day of middle school, which she transfers into three weeks after the year has started. Charlie has spent most of her young life abroad, moving from school to school as her family followed her father’s job in the U.S. Air Force. Now he has retired from that job, and the three are settling down in the neighborhood where her parents grew up. Her mother is returning to work full-time as a pediatrician for the first time since Charlie was born. Her father is starting a new business with his childhood friend, and he will now be the parent who is around more often.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_62600\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\" style=\"max-width: 200px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-62600\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-1_custom-ba45d7ad583048a231b24b70fb2da512388267f7.jpg\" alt=\"page from Curlfriends graphic novel by Sharee Miller\" width=\"200\" height=\"271\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-1_custom-ba45d7ad583048a231b24b70fb2da512388267f7.jpg 200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-1_custom-ba45d7ad583048a231b24b70fb2da512388267f7-160x217.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">In Curlfriends: New In Town, 12-year-old Charlie Harper starts middle school in a new town. \u003ccite>(Little, Brown Ink)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>These are no small changes, and in order to cope Charlie has vowed, in the summer leading up to this move, to “completely reinvent myself, starting with my look.” She is tired of letting other people label her, and ready to take control of her own story.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Enter first day of school disaster: As she is walking into her new school building for the first time, hair done up, new contact lenses in, outfit perfected, a window washer outside the building accidentally knocks his bucket of water all over Charlie, and the entire set up is ruined. In just a few minutes she is back to looking like her old self.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What follows is a series of fortuitous meetings, first with Nola, the daughter of a hair stylist who helps Charlie redo her hair before showing her around the new building. Nola, who is both sensitive and outgoing, introduces Charlie to her lunchtime crew, which includes Cara, the easy-going track star with three boisterous brothers who prefers to wear her hair natural, and Ella, the confident, opinionated and always stylish future changemaker, who changes her upcycled outfits as often as her hair styles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_62601\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\" style=\"max-width: 200px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-62601\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-2_custom-083c3dfd63a79207d6343e439f9abc7cde9f3757.jpg\" alt=\"Charlie aims to create a certain look with her first-day-of-school outfit.\" width=\"200\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-2_custom-083c3dfd63a79207d6343e439f9abc7cde9f3757.jpg 200w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/curlfriends_spread-2_custom-083c3dfd63a79207d6343e439f9abc7cde9f3757-160x213.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Charlie aims to create a certain look with her first-day-of-school outfit. \u003ccite>(Little, Brown Ink)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Charlie is, in turns, thrilled and confused to be taken in by this group that quickly opens up to include her in their new text chain, which Ella nicknames \u003cem>curlfriends — \u003c/em>“since we’re friends and we all have curly hair. Isn’t it cute?” The girls come together around some of the shared particulars of their lives — namely, homework, girlhood and fashion and Black hair — even as their differences in tastes and dispositions propagate cracks of uncertainty, particularly in Charlie, who still lacks self-assurance. Ultimately, kindness and friendship prevail.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Curlfriends \u003c/em>is a delightful book, packed with sunny, buoyant illustrations, even as it also cuts into the heart of the challenging tensions that pervade this intermediate stage of life. Young teens want to be known and seen by their friends, as well as \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62189/school-shapes-teens-identities-and-relationships-what-role-do-teachers-play\">the adults in their lives\u003c/a>, but they are also still coming to terms with who they are — with who, and what, they actually want to be seen and known for. It can be tricky, for example, to distinguish between the passions and pastimes that your parents picked for you, or those you chose because your friends are into them and you want to spend time together, and those you actively care to pursue. It can be difficult, in other words, to figure out what you like, and what you are like.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Along with other popular middle school graphic novels, including \u003cem>The Baby-Sitters Club \u003c/em>adaptations, Kayla Miller’s \u003cem>Click\u003c/em> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60713/banned-books-newbery-medalist-jerry-craft-on-creating-possibilities-for-kids-in-stories\">Jerry Craft’s \u003cem>New Kid\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003cem>Curlfriends \u003c/em>is a book about finding one’s passions while navigating \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60624/young-adults-are-struggling-with-their-mental-health-is-more-childhood-independence-the-answer\">newfound responsibilities and independence\u003c/a> amid changing backdrops and social settings. Miller’s charming drawings, as well as her use of an ever-lively color palette, will be familiar to readers of her lively children’s picture books, including \u003cem>Don’t Touch My Hair \u003c/em>and \u003cem>Michelle’s Garden. \u003c/em>Like those other works, \u003cem>Curlfriends \u003c/em>is as much about expressions of self-pride and self-respect as it is about showing compassion, empathy and care for others.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The one constant in Charlie’s life is her love of drawing and art, and it’s through art that she finally figures out how to mark her place in this new world that is middle school. It’s not all exactly under her control but, as with good art, sometimes mistakes along the way end up making for the most exquisite details.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Tahneer Oksman is a writer, teacher and scholar specializing in memoir as well as graphic novels and comics. She lives in Brooklyn, NY.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=%27Curlfriends%3A+New+In+Town%27+reminds+us+that+there+can+be+positives+of+middle+school&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"slug": "want-your-kids-to-be-happier-and-healthier-start-talking-with-them-about-uncomfortable-emotions",
"title": "Want Your Kids to Be Happier and Healthier? Start Talking with Them About Uncomfortable Emotions",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>Excerpted from \u003ca href=\"https://parenting.drrobynsilverman.com/book\">How to Talk to Kids About Anything: Tips, Scripts, Stories, and Steps to Make Even the Toughest Conversations Easier\u003c/a> by Robyn Silverman. (c) 2023 by Dr. Robyn Silverman. Used with permission of the publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">While we may wish our kids could be happy all the time, as it turns out, they wouldn’t be healthy if they were. Studies show that those who experience emodiversity, a range and abundance of both negative and positive emotions, are happier and healthier than those who remain numb or tend to fixate on any one emotion for a long period of time. Additionally, in environments that place a premium on expressing only positive emotions, those who experience negative feelings tend to falter. As Susan David, PhD, psychologist and bestselling author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.susandavid.com/book/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Emotional Agility\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> says in her \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_david_the_gift_and_power_of_emotional_courage?language=en\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">TED Talk\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, “Tough emotions are part of our contract with life. You don’t get to have a meaningful career or raise a family or leave the world a better place without stress and discomfort.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-62509 size-thumbnail\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/robynsilvermanbook-160x240.jpeg\" alt=\"cover of How to Talk to Kids About Anything by Robyn Silverman\" width=\"160\" height=\"240\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/robynsilvermanbook-160x240.jpeg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/robynsilvermanbook.jpeg 397w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">When we attempt to suppress emotional thoughts, feelings, and expressions, there can be negative consequences. Studies show that emotional inhibition and invalidation contribute to children becoming dysregulated, distressed, depressed, anxious and more negative over time. When we try to reject, dismiss and prematurely urge our children to move away from tough feelings, they can wind up with more of them. Plus, if we ignore or minimize our children’s feelings, we could hurt our relationship with them and make them feel lonely or even worthless.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Conversely, when parents accept their children’s feelings and view emotional displays as opportunities to empathize, connect and strategize, kids tend to have fewer emotional and behavioral problems, including issues with anger, anxiety and acting out. “Feelings are just a message to us,” Laura Markham, psychologist and author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ahaparenting.com/peaceful-parent-happy-kids\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, told me. “When you allow yourself to feel an emotion, it begins to dissipate and heal.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents often ask me if they should be sharing their own negative feelings with their children. The knee-jerk reaction, of course, is to say no — we want to protect our kids from the unpleasant things in life. But research shows that parents and key adults who hide their negative feelings from their children may not only confuse them but also appear less emotionally available. In a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2020-26571-001\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> of 107 parents and their children, researchers at Washington State University found that when parents pretended everything was fine, the kids exhibited more signs of stress and, in fact, both parents and kids were less warm and engaged with one another. Also, parents who admit to and cope with common negative feelings such as anger, sadness and fear show kids how to handle these emotions, regulate them and make a situation better.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The key to emodiversity is to feel a whole host of emotions — and express them in healthy ways. We don’t want them to build up and lie dormant. As Marc Brackett, author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.marcbrackett.com/about/book-permission-to-feel/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Permission to Feel\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, so beautifully told Brené Brown on her podcast \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://brenebrown.com/podcast/dr-marc-brackett-and-brene-on-permission-to-feel/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Unlocking Us\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, “Hurt feelings don’t vanish on their own. They don’t heal themselves. If we don’t express our emotions, they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Bottom line? Every feeling has a purpose. Talking about uncomfortable emotions and embracing them can result in better mental and physical health and, potentially, greater happiness in our kids and ourselves.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-62504\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/Dr.-Robyn-Silverman.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/Dr.-Robyn-Silverman.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/Dr.-Robyn-Silverman-160x160.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/Dr.-Robyn-Silverman-768x768.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Known as the “Conversation Doc,” \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/drrobynsilverman/\">Robyn Silverman\u003c/a> is a child and teen development specialist and host of the podcast, \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-anything/id1231126178\">How to Talk to Kids About Anything\u003c/a>\u003cem>, as well as the author of the book of the same name. She is a cofounder of the Powerful Words Character System, which gives educators the talking points they need to help children become kind, responsible citizens of the world. Find out all about the book at \u003ca href=\"https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/fQx2ClYpANizZZppsjDlez?domain=parenting.drrobynsilverman.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">https://parenting.drrobynsilverman.com/\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Excerpted from \u003ca href=\"https://parenting.drrobynsilverman.com/book\">How to Talk to Kids About Anything: Tips, Scripts, Stories, and Steps to Make Even the Toughest Conversations Easier\u003c/a> by Robyn Silverman. (c) 2023 by Dr. Robyn Silverman. Used with permission of the publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">While we may wish our kids could be happy all the time, as it turns out, they wouldn’t be healthy if they were. Studies show that those who experience emodiversity, a range and abundance of both negative and positive emotions, are happier and healthier than those who remain numb or tend to fixate on any one emotion for a long period of time. Additionally, in environments that place a premium on expressing only positive emotions, those who experience negative feelings tend to falter. As Susan David, PhD, psychologist and bestselling author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.susandavid.com/book/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Emotional Agility\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> says in her \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_david_the_gift_and_power_of_emotional_courage?language=en\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">TED Talk\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, “Tough emotions are part of our contract with life. You don’t get to have a meaningful career or raise a family or leave the world a better place without stress and discomfort.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-62509 size-thumbnail\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/robynsilvermanbook-160x240.jpeg\" alt=\"cover of How to Talk to Kids About Anything by Robyn Silverman\" width=\"160\" height=\"240\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/robynsilvermanbook-160x240.jpeg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/robynsilvermanbook.jpeg 397w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">When we attempt to suppress emotional thoughts, feelings, and expressions, there can be negative consequences. Studies show that emotional inhibition and invalidation contribute to children becoming dysregulated, distressed, depressed, anxious and more negative over time. When we try to reject, dismiss and prematurely urge our children to move away from tough feelings, they can wind up with more of them. Plus, if we ignore or minimize our children’s feelings, we could hurt our relationship with them and make them feel lonely or even worthless.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Conversely, when parents accept their children’s feelings and view emotional displays as opportunities to empathize, connect and strategize, kids tend to have fewer emotional and behavioral problems, including issues with anger, anxiety and acting out. “Feelings are just a message to us,” Laura Markham, psychologist and author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ahaparenting.com/peaceful-parent-happy-kids\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, told me. “When you allow yourself to feel an emotion, it begins to dissipate and heal.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents often ask me if they should be sharing their own negative feelings with their children. The knee-jerk reaction, of course, is to say no — we want to protect our kids from the unpleasant things in life. But research shows that parents and key adults who hide their negative feelings from their children may not only confuse them but also appear less emotionally available. In a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2020-26571-001\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> of 107 parents and their children, researchers at Washington State University found that when parents pretended everything was fine, the kids exhibited more signs of stress and, in fact, both parents and kids were less warm and engaged with one another. Also, parents who admit to and cope with common negative feelings such as anger, sadness and fear show kids how to handle these emotions, regulate them and make a situation better.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The key to emodiversity is to feel a whole host of emotions — and express them in healthy ways. We don’t want them to build up and lie dormant. As Marc Brackett, author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.marcbrackett.com/about/book-permission-to-feel/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Permission to Feel\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, so beautifully told Brené Brown on her podcast \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://brenebrown.com/podcast/dr-marc-brackett-and-brene-on-permission-to-feel/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Unlocking Us\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, “Hurt feelings don’t vanish on their own. They don’t heal themselves. If we don’t express our emotions, they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Bottom line? Every feeling has a purpose. Talking about uncomfortable emotions and embracing them can result in better mental and physical health and, potentially, greater happiness in our kids and ourselves.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-62504\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/Dr.-Robyn-Silverman.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/Dr.-Robyn-Silverman.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/Dr.-Robyn-Silverman-160x160.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2023/10/Dr.-Robyn-Silverman-768x768.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Known as the “Conversation Doc,” \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/drrobynsilverman/\">Robyn Silverman\u003c/a> is a child and teen development specialist and host of the podcast, \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-anything/id1231126178\">How to Talk to Kids About Anything\u003c/a>\u003cem>, as well as the author of the book of the same name. She is a cofounder of the Powerful Words Character System, which gives educators the talking points they need to help children become kind, responsible citizens of the world. Find out all about the book at \u003ca href=\"https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/fQx2ClYpANizZZppsjDlez?domain=parenting.drrobynsilverman.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">https://parenting.drrobynsilverman.com/\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"title": "Student loans for parents can be a debt trap. But there's a loophole",
"headTitle": "Student loans for parents can be a debt trap. But there’s a loophole | KQED",
"content": "\u003cp>Carlos Sanchez of McAllen, Texas, took out an enormous amount of federal student loan debt to make sure his children could attend college.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“As my third child makes her way through her senior year in college, I now have what amounts to about $160,000 in parent PLUS loans,” Sanchez, 63, told NPR. He likely won’t have them paid off (or qualify for debt forgiveness) until he’s in his 80s, “which is an extraordinary journey for me,” he said, given that he’s approaching retirement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m just hoping to see if there is some relief.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For Sanchez and millions of other parents and caregivers, that relief could come through a loophole in federal law — a loophole that could help them access a more forgiving payment plan and ultimately shed debts that might otherwise follow them for the rest of their lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That is, if they know about it. Few do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The U.S. Department of Education won’t discuss this loophole. And if a borrower calls their loan servicer and asks about it, the call center worker will likely greet the question with a confused silence. It’s called the double-consolidation loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>The parent PLUS debt trap\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>According to federal data, 3.7 million Americans hold $111 billion in debt from parent PLUS loans. Though they’re federal loans, if you close one eye and squint at them sideways, parent PLUS loans look an awful lot like a bear trap. The interest rate is far higher than the rate on a standard undergraduate loan — 8.05% versus 5.50% — and parents don’t have easy access to the low monthly payments of income-based repayment plans. There’s also virtually no limit on how much families can borrow. Which can be good. Or calamitous.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the ideal, parent PLUS loans can be engines of equity, helping low-income families and families of color send their children to schools that, because of cost and generational wealth gaps, might otherwise be out of reach. But research suggests that these loans often become the opposite: drivers of inequity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Because low-income families, and especially Black and Latino/a parents, are disproportionately taking out Parent PLUS loans, their heavy use and unfavorable terms and conditions exacerbate the racial wealth gap,” said a \u003ca href=\"https://tcf.org/content/report/parent-plus-borrowers-the-hidden-casualties-of-the-student-debt-crisis/\">2022 report from the Century Foundation\u003c/a> titled “Parent PLUS Borrowers: The Hidden Casualties of the Student Debt Crisis.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/09/28/1202434960/black-leader-and-activist-continue-to-push-for-student-debt-cancelation\">recent forum\u003c/a> on student loan debt, Rep. Ayanna Pressley, D-Mass., opined on this parent PLUS crisis, saying she’d “spoken to Black parents who say, ‘I’m of age to retire, but I cannot retire — because I’m still paying on loans that I took out so my baby could have a better life.'”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m \u003cem>really\u003c/em> worried about parent PLUS borrowers,” said Wisdom Cole, national director of the NAACP’s Youth & College Division.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Making matters worse, Cole said: These parent borrowers have been unfairly excluded from the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/08/08/1192703211/biden-save-plan-how-it-works\">newest, most flexible repayment plan\u003c/a>, SAVE. Cole said the NAACP had expressed its concern over this exclusion to both the Biden administration and the Education Department.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In fact, in a \u003ca href=\"https://drive.google.com/file/d/15Z6ENlR_vmTNhtcoe1jCygDw3qo7TXWp/view\">letter sent Tuesday\u003c/a>, NAACP President and CEO Derrick Johnson warned Education Secretary Miguel Cardona that “Parent PLUS borrowers face a grim reality as loan repayments restart.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Parent PLUS borrowers can’t \u003cem>officially \u003c/em>access the most forgiving payment plan\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents’ official exclusion from SAVE is a big deal. (Unofficially, this is where the loophole comes in — more on that below.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Technically, parent PLUS loan borrowers qualify for only the Standard, Graduated and Extended repayment plans, none of which take a borrower’s income into account or promise loan forgiveness after a given period of time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parent PLUS borrowers can qualify for the least flexible income-based repayment plan, known as Income-Contingent Repayment (ICR), if they consolidate their loans into a Direct Consolidation loan. But monthly payments on ICR can be high compared with those on the SAVE plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>ICR calculates payments based on 20% of a borrower’s discretionary income, while SAVE uses half that: just 10%. Also, ICR defines discretionary income as any money you earn above 100% of the \u003ca href=\"https://aspe.hhs.gov/topics/poverty-economic-mobility/poverty-guidelines\">federal poverty level\u003c/a>. Translation: Any income an individual borrower earns over $14,580 is factored into the monthly payment math. The SAVE plan, on the other hand, protects more than\u003cem> twice\u003c/em> as much of a borrower’s income, allowing anyone who earns less than roughly $33,000 to qualify for a $0 monthly payment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In short, if there were a way for parent PLUS borrowers to access SAVE, their monthly payments would be \u003cem>vastly\u003c/em> lower than they are on ICR.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s why, in Johnson’s letter, the NAACP president urges Cardona to use his authority to expand SAVE access to parent PLUS borrowers. Otherwise, he writes, “millions of families will see the resumption of crippling payments as student loan payments resume this month.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It’s unclear whether the Education Department believes it can — or will try to — do as Johnson asks. In the meantime, though, there \u003cem>is\u003c/em> a way for parents to access SAVE, through an unofficial backdoor.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>How the double-consolidation loophole works\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The federal student loan system — as well as this loophole — depend on layers, like the floors of a home. Consolidating a parent PLUS loan, for example, is like laying a rug over a hardwood floor. The Education Department and its loan servicers can see the rug — the newly consolidated loan — but they can also still see the hardwood — a parent PLUS loan — beneath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But when you consolidate a loan \u003cem>twice\u003c/em>, it’s like laying wall-to-wall carpet over it all: Servicers can no longer tell what’s beneath. And the system can prevent parent PLUS loans from qualifying for the SAVE plan only if it knows they’re parent PLUS loans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Education Department knows this is a problem.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“In the past, limitations in Department data may have enabled a parent PLUS loan that was consolidated and then re-consolidated to enroll in any [income-driven repayment] plan, despite the Department’s position that such loans are only eligible for the ICR plan,” the department \u003ca href=\"https://www.federalregister.gov/documents/2023/07/10/2023-13112/improving-income-driven-repayment-for-the-william-d-ford-federal-direct-loan-program-and-the-federal\">acknowledged in the Federal Register\u003c/a> in July. Still, it’s not immediately closing the loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, how does a borrower fit through this narrow opening?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It is complicated, and, as we said earlier, the Education Department and its servicers won’t help you with it. So if you choose to proceed, you’re on your own. Sort of.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You’ll find explainers \u003ca href=\"https://www.studentloanplanner.com/parent-plus-double-consolidation/\">here, from Student Loan Planner\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"https://thecollegeinvestor.com/43530/student-loan-double-consolidation-loophole/\">here, from the College Investor\u003c/a>. Below, we’ve reprinted \u003ca href=\"https://www.mass.gov/info-details/repayment-options-for-parent-plus-loans\">detailed instructions\u003c/a> from Massachusetts’ Office of the Attorney General, recommended for borrowers with at least two parent PLUS loans:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 1:\u003c/strong> Fill out a consolidation application online on \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/\">studentaid.gov\u003c/a> \u003cstrong>for just one\u003c/strong> Parent PLUS Loan. Pick Nelnet for the servicer. Download a copy of your application to help you with Step 2. It will contain account numbers, balance information, loan type codes, and servicer names needed for your next application.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 2: \u003c/strong>Fill out a \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/sites/default/files/Consolidation-en-us.pdf\">paper consolidation application\u003c/a> for the second Parent PLUS Loan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>On page two of the application, identify the loans that you want to include in the consolidation. Fill in information about the Parent PLUS Loan that you excluded from the consolidation application you completed on studentaid.gov.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>On page three of the paper application, identify the loans you want to exclude from the consolidation. Fill in information about the Parent PLUS Loan that you included in the application you completed on studentaid.gov.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Send the completed paper application to Aidvantage.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 3: \u003c/strong>After you have received notice from both Nelnet and Aidvantage that your two new Direct Consolidation Loans have been funded, fill out a final paper consolidation application.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>On page two, list both Direct Consolidation Loans to include them in the consolidation. You will not have any loans to exclude from this application. You can choose any servicer and send the application to that servicer.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>You can send the application to the servicer of your choice, but if you’re pursuing PSLF, send it to MOHELA.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 4: \u003c/strong>After receiving notice that your final Direct Consolidation Loan is funded, visit \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/idr/\">studentaid.gov/idr\u003c/a>, log in using your FSA ID and password, and fill out an Income-Driven Repayment plan application, choosing the SAVE plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We know. It sounds complicated and tedious. Because it is. And to be clear, NPR is not advising parent PLUS borrowers to do this; we’re simply making clear it’s an \u003cem>option\u003c/em>. At least, it’s an option until July 2025, when the Education Department says it will officially close the loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Student+loans+for+parents+can+be+a+debt+trap.+But+there%27s+a+loophole&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Carlos Sanchez of McAllen, Texas, took out an enormous amount of federal student loan debt to make sure his children could attend college.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“As my third child makes her way through her senior year in college, I now have what amounts to about $160,000 in parent PLUS loans,” Sanchez, 63, told NPR. He likely won’t have them paid off (or qualify for debt forgiveness) until he’s in his 80s, “which is an extraordinary journey for me,” he said, given that he’s approaching retirement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m just hoping to see if there is some relief.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For Sanchez and millions of other parents and caregivers, that relief could come through a loophole in federal law — a loophole that could help them access a more forgiving payment plan and ultimately shed debts that might otherwise follow them for the rest of their lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That is, if they know about it. Few do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The U.S. Department of Education won’t discuss this loophole. And if a borrower calls their loan servicer and asks about it, the call center worker will likely greet the question with a confused silence. It’s called the double-consolidation loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>The parent PLUS debt trap\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>According to federal data, 3.7 million Americans hold $111 billion in debt from parent PLUS loans. Though they’re federal loans, if you close one eye and squint at them sideways, parent PLUS loans look an awful lot like a bear trap. The interest rate is far higher than the rate on a standard undergraduate loan — 8.05% versus 5.50% — and parents don’t have easy access to the low monthly payments of income-based repayment plans. There’s also virtually no limit on how much families can borrow. Which can be good. Or calamitous.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the ideal, parent PLUS loans can be engines of equity, helping low-income families and families of color send their children to schools that, because of cost and generational wealth gaps, might otherwise be out of reach. But research suggests that these loans often become the opposite: drivers of inequity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Because low-income families, and especially Black and Latino/a parents, are disproportionately taking out Parent PLUS loans, their heavy use and unfavorable terms and conditions exacerbate the racial wealth gap,” said a \u003ca href=\"https://tcf.org/content/report/parent-plus-borrowers-the-hidden-casualties-of-the-student-debt-crisis/\">2022 report from the Century Foundation\u003c/a> titled “Parent PLUS Borrowers: The Hidden Casualties of the Student Debt Crisis.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/09/28/1202434960/black-leader-and-activist-continue-to-push-for-student-debt-cancelation\">recent forum\u003c/a> on student loan debt, Rep. Ayanna Pressley, D-Mass., opined on this parent PLUS crisis, saying she’d “spoken to Black parents who say, ‘I’m of age to retire, but I cannot retire — because I’m still paying on loans that I took out so my baby could have a better life.'”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m \u003cem>really\u003c/em> worried about parent PLUS borrowers,” said Wisdom Cole, national director of the NAACP’s Youth & College Division.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Making matters worse, Cole said: These parent borrowers have been unfairly excluded from the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/08/08/1192703211/biden-save-plan-how-it-works\">newest, most flexible repayment plan\u003c/a>, SAVE. Cole said the NAACP had expressed its concern over this exclusion to both the Biden administration and the Education Department.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In fact, in a \u003ca href=\"https://drive.google.com/file/d/15Z6ENlR_vmTNhtcoe1jCygDw3qo7TXWp/view\">letter sent Tuesday\u003c/a>, NAACP President and CEO Derrick Johnson warned Education Secretary Miguel Cardona that “Parent PLUS borrowers face a grim reality as loan repayments restart.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Parent PLUS borrowers can’t \u003cem>officially \u003c/em>access the most forgiving payment plan\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents’ official exclusion from SAVE is a big deal. (Unofficially, this is where the loophole comes in — more on that below.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Technically, parent PLUS loan borrowers qualify for only the Standard, Graduated and Extended repayment plans, none of which take a borrower’s income into account or promise loan forgiveness after a given period of time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parent PLUS borrowers can qualify for the least flexible income-based repayment plan, known as Income-Contingent Repayment (ICR), if they consolidate their loans into a Direct Consolidation loan. But monthly payments on ICR can be high compared with those on the SAVE plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>ICR calculates payments based on 20% of a borrower’s discretionary income, while SAVE uses half that: just 10%. Also, ICR defines discretionary income as any money you earn above 100% of the \u003ca href=\"https://aspe.hhs.gov/topics/poverty-economic-mobility/poverty-guidelines\">federal poverty level\u003c/a>. Translation: Any income an individual borrower earns over $14,580 is factored into the monthly payment math. The SAVE plan, on the other hand, protects more than\u003cem> twice\u003c/em> as much of a borrower’s income, allowing anyone who earns less than roughly $33,000 to qualify for a $0 monthly payment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In short, if there were a way for parent PLUS borrowers to access SAVE, their monthly payments would be \u003cem>vastly\u003c/em> lower than they are on ICR.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s why, in Johnson’s letter, the NAACP president urges Cardona to use his authority to expand SAVE access to parent PLUS borrowers. Otherwise, he writes, “millions of families will see the resumption of crippling payments as student loan payments resume this month.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It’s unclear whether the Education Department believes it can — or will try to — do as Johnson asks. In the meantime, though, there \u003cem>is\u003c/em> a way for parents to access SAVE, through an unofficial backdoor.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>How the double-consolidation loophole works\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The federal student loan system — as well as this loophole — depend on layers, like the floors of a home. Consolidating a parent PLUS loan, for example, is like laying a rug over a hardwood floor. The Education Department and its loan servicers can see the rug — the newly consolidated loan — but they can also still see the hardwood — a parent PLUS loan — beneath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But when you consolidate a loan \u003cem>twice\u003c/em>, it’s like laying wall-to-wall carpet over it all: Servicers can no longer tell what’s beneath. And the system can prevent parent PLUS loans from qualifying for the SAVE plan only if it knows they’re parent PLUS loans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Education Department knows this is a problem.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“In the past, limitations in Department data may have enabled a parent PLUS loan that was consolidated and then re-consolidated to enroll in any [income-driven repayment] plan, despite the Department’s position that such loans are only eligible for the ICR plan,” the department \u003ca href=\"https://www.federalregister.gov/documents/2023/07/10/2023-13112/improving-income-driven-repayment-for-the-william-d-ford-federal-direct-loan-program-and-the-federal\">acknowledged in the Federal Register\u003c/a> in July. Still, it’s not immediately closing the loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, how does a borrower fit through this narrow opening?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It is complicated, and, as we said earlier, the Education Department and its servicers won’t help you with it. So if you choose to proceed, you’re on your own. Sort of.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You’ll find explainers \u003ca href=\"https://www.studentloanplanner.com/parent-plus-double-consolidation/\">here, from Student Loan Planner\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"https://thecollegeinvestor.com/43530/student-loan-double-consolidation-loophole/\">here, from the College Investor\u003c/a>. Below, we’ve reprinted \u003ca href=\"https://www.mass.gov/info-details/repayment-options-for-parent-plus-loans\">detailed instructions\u003c/a> from Massachusetts’ Office of the Attorney General, recommended for borrowers with at least two parent PLUS loans:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 1:\u003c/strong> Fill out a consolidation application online on \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/\">studentaid.gov\u003c/a> \u003cstrong>for just one\u003c/strong> Parent PLUS Loan. Pick Nelnet for the servicer. Download a copy of your application to help you with Step 2. It will contain account numbers, balance information, loan type codes, and servicer names needed for your next application.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 2: \u003c/strong>Fill out a \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/sites/default/files/Consolidation-en-us.pdf\">paper consolidation application\u003c/a> for the second Parent PLUS Loan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>On page two of the application, identify the loans that you want to include in the consolidation. Fill in information about the Parent PLUS Loan that you excluded from the consolidation application you completed on studentaid.gov.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>On page three of the paper application, identify the loans you want to exclude from the consolidation. Fill in information about the Parent PLUS Loan that you included in the application you completed on studentaid.gov.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Send the completed paper application to Aidvantage.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 3: \u003c/strong>After you have received notice from both Nelnet and Aidvantage that your two new Direct Consolidation Loans have been funded, fill out a final paper consolidation application.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>On page two, list both Direct Consolidation Loans to include them in the consolidation. You will not have any loans to exclude from this application. You can choose any servicer and send the application to that servicer.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>You can send the application to the servicer of your choice, but if you’re pursuing PSLF, send it to MOHELA.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 4: \u003c/strong>After receiving notice that your final Direct Consolidation Loan is funded, visit \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/idr/\">studentaid.gov/idr\u003c/a>, log in using your FSA ID and password, and fill out an Income-Driven Repayment plan application, choosing the SAVE plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We know. It sounds complicated and tedious. Because it is. And to be clear, NPR is not advising parent PLUS borrowers to do this; we’re simply making clear it’s an \u003cem>option\u003c/em>. At least, it’s an option until July 2025, when the Education Department says it will officially close the loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Student+loans+for+parents+can+be+a+debt+trap.+But+there%27s+a+loophole&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"title": "Parents, are you overindulging your kid? This 4-question test can help you find out",
"headTitle": "Parents, are you overindulging your kid? This 4-question test can help you find out | KQED",
"content": "\u003cp>Parents, does this scenario sound familiar to you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You’re at the grocery store and your four-year-old starts screaming because they want you to buy them candy. For a myriad of reasons — they’re crying and distressed, you’re exhausted and embarrassed — you surrender to their demands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is what overindulgent parenting can look like, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.familywisenw.com/therapists-1\">Lauren Silvers\u003c/a>, a child psychologist based in Washington state who specializes in children with social and behavioral problems. It’s when you give in to your child’s whims and desires because you don’t want to see them frustrated or uncomfortable, or want to avoid conflict.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This can be harmful to a child’s development if it becomes routine, says Silvers. “There are lots of negative outcomes associated with overindulgence, anything from over-dependence on others and being unable to learn necessary life lessons.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/fare.12853\">Research has shown\u003c/a> that this kind of parenting is associated with children who have low self-control, social anxiety such as fear of missing out, general anxiety, stress and low life satisfaction, says \u003ca href=\"https://healthandhumansciences.fsu.edu/departments/hdfs/faculty-staff/ming-cui/\">Ming Cui\u003c/a>, a professor at the Department of Human Development and Family Science at Florida State University. On the other hand, she says, children who have experienced less overindulgence \u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/smi.1426\">are likelier\u003c/a> to exhibit “higher levels of emotional regulation, better problem-solving skills and coping abilities.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how do you know if you’re overindulging your kid? And how do you raise your child to become a healthy, independent and responsible adult? Silvers and Cui share a 4-question test and helpful guidance for parents — including how to start enforcing new ground rules at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What is ‘overindulgent parenting’?\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Unlike spoiling a kid, which is about catering to a child’s needs and wants for the sake of the child, overindulgence is about the adult — the caretaker “having some sort of need or discomfort they’re trying to alleviate, whether or not it’s in [the child’s] best interest,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This form of parenting comes in many forms, she adds. Researchers have identified three types:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Material overindulgence: \u003c/strong>This is when you acquiesce to your child’s material demands, like a toy or a treat. “It is our job as parents to say enough is enough,” says Silvers.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Relational indulgence:\u003c/strong> This happens when “parents tend to do more for their kids than their kids actually need them to be doing,” says Silvers. “Parents are over-functioning and then it causes the child to under-function.” As a result, kids don’t learn developmentally appropriate tasks.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Structural indulgence:\u003c/strong> This happens when parents struggle to set and enforce rules, says Silvers. “Kids don’t like rules or being told ‘no,’ but they need them. They need to learn a sense of responsibility and know where the boundaries are so they know where they can feel safe.”\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>Questions for parents: ‘The Test of Four’\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents can determine whether they are overindulging their kids by taking the “\u003ca href=\"https://extension.umn.edu/how-counter-overindulgence-parenting/overindulgence-test-four#sources-579460\">The Test of Four\u003c/a>,” a set of questions co-developed by the late teacher and parent-educator \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/How-Much-Enough-Overindulgence-Responsible/dp/1569244375\">Jean Illsley Clarke\u003c/a>. It asks parents to examine their own relationships with their children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, it’s a signal that you may be overindulging your child, says Silvers. This test can be used for children of all ages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>1. Are my actions hindering my child from learning tasks that support their development?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This question gets at your child’s ability to achieve age-appropriate developmental milestones, says Silvers. If you are doing tasks for your kids such as “packing their lunch, cleaning their room or tying their shoes,” and they’re at an age when they should be able to do those things for themselves, then you’re holding them back from “their [ability to learn] new life skills.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>2. Am I giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you are giving more money, space, time, energy or attention to your kids than a situation calls for, “that places a burden on the family and takes away from where those resources might be needed,” says Silvers. Parents shouldn’t be going into debt to pay for a toy they can’t afford or spending all their free time doing child-centric activities just to keep their child happy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>3. Do the choices I make exist to benefit me, the adult, more than the child?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you are giving in [to your child] to keep yourself comfortable and to keep the day flowing, then there is a problem with overindulgence,” says Silvers. For example, steering clear of the toy aisle to avoid the headache of having to deal with a potential tantrum. Even though that may help the parents stay calm in the moment, it doesn’t serve the child in the long term, she adds. Kids need to learn that not having their way is OK.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>4. Does the child’s behavior potentially harm others, society or the planet in some way?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you are allowing your child to do something that is harmful, disrespectful or defiant, or breaks a rule or infringes on somebody else’s rights, that’s a sign that there is overindulgence,” says Silvers. That includes throwing trash on the ground or wanting the largest piece of cake at a birthday gathering. Kids should understand that they have a responsibility to behave appropriately, she adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Breaking the cycle of overindulgent parenting\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>If you said yes to one or more of these questions, here is what you can do to set boundaries with your kid and set them up for emotional growth and independence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Learn to say ‘no’ \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pick one area where you might be overindulging your child and say “no,” says Silvers. For example, if you usually let your kid ditch chores, like loading the dishwasher after dinner, because they whine about it, try a new approach.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time they ask if they can do the dishes later (which for some kids, may be code for “can’t you just do it?”) say “no.” Kids need to know how to contribute to their household — and a little responsibility is a great way to boost a child’s self-esteem. The computer game they wanted to play first will be waiting for them after they finish the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When you say “no,” make sure you follow through. That builds trust and shows kids you mean what you say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Silvers acknowledges that saying “no” is hard on the parent. So get comfortable with the feeling of “your children being upset with you for hearing ‘no,’ ” she adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Make changes slowly \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don’t change all the rules overnight, says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you do, she warns, “they’re not going to react favorably. There is going to be a big emotional reaction if all of a sudden things go from being one way to completely different.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Work up to a new rule or chore gradually, says Silvers. For example, if you tell your child you want them to be responsible for packing their own lunch, help them out the first few weeks. You might say, “I will make your sandwich for you [to put in your lunchbox], you pack your fruit,” she says. After a few days, you might start laying out the ingredients for them to assemble their own sandwich. Before you know it, they’ll be packing the whole thing themselves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Give kids room to learn and grow\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Allow your child to do things incorrectly so they can figure it out, says Silvers. Your kid may not be great at making their own sandwich the first time around, but that’s how kids learn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While it might be easier and faster for you to do tasks for your child without their help, like picking up their toys after playtime, Silvers says this teaches kids that parents or caregivers will just do things for them. It tells them, “I can make messes and I don’t have to clean them up. Mommy will make sure I have everything I need.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And it doesn’t set our kids up for real life. “In the real world, you are not there to pick up their stuff or make sure they have all their belongings. And so it’s important we take the time to teach our kids,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Help kids earn what they want \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how should caregivers deal with a kid who demands, say, dessert every night or extra screen time?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Silvers says this is the perfect opportunity to teach them how to \u003cem>earn\u003c/em> what they want. Just as parents have to work and save money to pay for things, kids should put in a little effort as well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let’s say you’re at the toy store and your child really wants a new Lego set, but it’s pricey — over $150. In the moment, you can say, “that looks like a really cool toy. Let’s talk about it once we get home,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then you can make a plan with your child to help them earn that toy. Maybe you create a sticker chart or set up a marble jar to track when they do a good deed or complete a chore, like taking out the garbage. When they reach whatever goal you both agreed to, then they can get their toy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The conversation may make your child realize: “If I have to work for it, do I really want it that bad?” says Silvers. “Or would it just be cool to have it because somebody else is paying for it and I can get it right this second?” If they still want it, then it’s a great opportunity to teach them that we have to work for the things we want.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The audio portion of this episode was edited by Sylvie Douglis and produced by Carly Rubin. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Kaz Fantone. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"tel:2022169823\">\u003cem>202-216-9823\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, or email us at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"mailto:LifeKit@npr.org\">\u003cem>LifeKit@npr.org\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Listen to Life Kit on\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3LdRb0X\">\u003cem> Apple Podcasts\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> and\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3K3xVln\">\u003cem> Spotify\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, and sign up for our\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3xN1tB9\">\u003cem> newsletter\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Parents%2C+are+you+overindulging+your+kid%3F+This+4-question+test+can+help+you+find+out&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Giving in to your kid too much can be harmful to their development. Take the 'Test of Four' to examine your relationship with your child — then find out how to say 'no' and enforce rules that stick.",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Parents, does this scenario sound familiar to you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You’re at the grocery store and your four-year-old starts screaming because they want you to buy them candy. For a myriad of reasons — they’re crying and distressed, you’re exhausted and embarrassed — you surrender to their demands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is what overindulgent parenting can look like, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.familywisenw.com/therapists-1\">Lauren Silvers\u003c/a>, a child psychologist based in Washington state who specializes in children with social and behavioral problems. It’s when you give in to your child’s whims and desires because you don’t want to see them frustrated or uncomfortable, or want to avoid conflict.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This can be harmful to a child’s development if it becomes routine, says Silvers. “There are lots of negative outcomes associated with overindulgence, anything from over-dependence on others and being unable to learn necessary life lessons.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/fare.12853\">Research has shown\u003c/a> that this kind of parenting is associated with children who have low self-control, social anxiety such as fear of missing out, general anxiety, stress and low life satisfaction, says \u003ca href=\"https://healthandhumansciences.fsu.edu/departments/hdfs/faculty-staff/ming-cui/\">Ming Cui\u003c/a>, a professor at the Department of Human Development and Family Science at Florida State University. On the other hand, she says, children who have experienced less overindulgence \u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/smi.1426\">are likelier\u003c/a> to exhibit “higher levels of emotional regulation, better problem-solving skills and coping abilities.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how do you know if you’re overindulging your kid? And how do you raise your child to become a healthy, independent and responsible adult? Silvers and Cui share a 4-question test and helpful guidance for parents — including how to start enforcing new ground rules at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What is ‘overindulgent parenting’?\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Unlike spoiling a kid, which is about catering to a child’s needs and wants for the sake of the child, overindulgence is about the adult — the caretaker “having some sort of need or discomfort they’re trying to alleviate, whether or not it’s in [the child’s] best interest,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This form of parenting comes in many forms, she adds. Researchers have identified three types:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Material overindulgence: \u003c/strong>This is when you acquiesce to your child’s material demands, like a toy or a treat. “It is our job as parents to say enough is enough,” says Silvers.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Relational indulgence:\u003c/strong> This happens when “parents tend to do more for their kids than their kids actually need them to be doing,” says Silvers. “Parents are over-functioning and then it causes the child to under-function.” As a result, kids don’t learn developmentally appropriate tasks.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Structural indulgence:\u003c/strong> This happens when parents struggle to set and enforce rules, says Silvers. “Kids don’t like rules or being told ‘no,’ but they need them. They need to learn a sense of responsibility and know where the boundaries are so they know where they can feel safe.”\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>Questions for parents: ‘The Test of Four’\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents can determine whether they are overindulging their kids by taking the “\u003ca href=\"https://extension.umn.edu/how-counter-overindulgence-parenting/overindulgence-test-four#sources-579460\">The Test of Four\u003c/a>,” a set of questions co-developed by the late teacher and parent-educator \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/How-Much-Enough-Overindulgence-Responsible/dp/1569244375\">Jean Illsley Clarke\u003c/a>. It asks parents to examine their own relationships with their children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, it’s a signal that you may be overindulging your child, says Silvers. This test can be used for children of all ages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>1. Are my actions hindering my child from learning tasks that support their development?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This question gets at your child’s ability to achieve age-appropriate developmental milestones, says Silvers. If you are doing tasks for your kids such as “packing their lunch, cleaning their room or tying their shoes,” and they’re at an age when they should be able to do those things for themselves, then you’re holding them back from “their [ability to learn] new life skills.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>2. Am I giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you are giving more money, space, time, energy or attention to your kids than a situation calls for, “that places a burden on the family and takes away from where those resources might be needed,” says Silvers. Parents shouldn’t be going into debt to pay for a toy they can’t afford or spending all their free time doing child-centric activities just to keep their child happy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>3. Do the choices I make exist to benefit me, the adult, more than the child?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you are giving in [to your child] to keep yourself comfortable and to keep the day flowing, then there is a problem with overindulgence,” says Silvers. For example, steering clear of the toy aisle to avoid the headache of having to deal with a potential tantrum. Even though that may help the parents stay calm in the moment, it doesn’t serve the child in the long term, she adds. Kids need to learn that not having their way is OK.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>4. Does the child’s behavior potentially harm others, society or the planet in some way?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you are allowing your child to do something that is harmful, disrespectful or defiant, or breaks a rule or infringes on somebody else’s rights, that’s a sign that there is overindulgence,” says Silvers. That includes throwing trash on the ground or wanting the largest piece of cake at a birthday gathering. Kids should understand that they have a responsibility to behave appropriately, she adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Breaking the cycle of overindulgent parenting\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>If you said yes to one or more of these questions, here is what you can do to set boundaries with your kid and set them up for emotional growth and independence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Learn to say ‘no’ \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pick one area where you might be overindulging your child and say “no,” says Silvers. For example, if you usually let your kid ditch chores, like loading the dishwasher after dinner, because they whine about it, try a new approach.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time they ask if they can do the dishes later (which for some kids, may be code for “can’t you just do it?”) say “no.” Kids need to know how to contribute to their household — and a little responsibility is a great way to boost a child’s self-esteem. The computer game they wanted to play first will be waiting for them after they finish the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When you say “no,” make sure you follow through. That builds trust and shows kids you mean what you say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Silvers acknowledges that saying “no” is hard on the parent. So get comfortable with the feeling of “your children being upset with you for hearing ‘no,’ ” she adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Make changes slowly \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don’t change all the rules overnight, says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you do, she warns, “they’re not going to react favorably. There is going to be a big emotional reaction if all of a sudden things go from being one way to completely different.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Work up to a new rule or chore gradually, says Silvers. For example, if you tell your child you want them to be responsible for packing their own lunch, help them out the first few weeks. You might say, “I will make your sandwich for you [to put in your lunchbox], you pack your fruit,” she says. After a few days, you might start laying out the ingredients for them to assemble their own sandwich. Before you know it, they’ll be packing the whole thing themselves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Give kids room to learn and grow\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Allow your child to do things incorrectly so they can figure it out, says Silvers. Your kid may not be great at making their own sandwich the first time around, but that’s how kids learn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While it might be easier and faster for you to do tasks for your child without their help, like picking up their toys after playtime, Silvers says this teaches kids that parents or caregivers will just do things for them. It tells them, “I can make messes and I don’t have to clean them up. Mommy will make sure I have everything I need.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And it doesn’t set our kids up for real life. “In the real world, you are not there to pick up their stuff or make sure they have all their belongings. And so it’s important we take the time to teach our kids,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Help kids earn what they want \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how should caregivers deal with a kid who demands, say, dessert every night or extra screen time?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Silvers says this is the perfect opportunity to teach them how to \u003cem>earn\u003c/em> what they want. Just as parents have to work and save money to pay for things, kids should put in a little effort as well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let’s say you’re at the toy store and your child really wants a new Lego set, but it’s pricey — over $150. In the moment, you can say, “that looks like a really cool toy. Let’s talk about it once we get home,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then you can make a plan with your child to help them earn that toy. Maybe you create a sticker chart or set up a marble jar to track when they do a good deed or complete a chore, like taking out the garbage. When they reach whatever goal you both agreed to, then they can get their toy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The conversation may make your child realize: “If I have to work for it, do I really want it that bad?” says Silvers. “Or would it just be cool to have it because somebody else is paying for it and I can get it right this second?” If they still want it, then it’s a great opportunity to teach them that we have to work for the things we want.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The audio portion of this episode was edited by Sylvie Douglis and produced by Carly Rubin. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Kaz Fantone. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"tel:2022169823\">\u003cem>202-216-9823\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, or email us at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"mailto:LifeKit@npr.org\">\u003cem>LifeKit@npr.org\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Listen to Life Kit on\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3LdRb0X\">\u003cem> Apple Podcasts\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> and\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3K3xVln\">\u003cem> Spotify\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, and sign up for our\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3xN1tB9\">\u003cem> newsletter\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Parents%2C+are+you+overindulging+your+kid%3F+This+4-question+test+can+help+you+find+out&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"slug": "how-important-is-homework-and-how-much-should-parents-help",
"title": "How Important Is Homework, And How Much Should Parents Help?",
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"headTitle": "How Important Is Homework, And How Much Should Parents Help? | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>A version of this post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/how-important-is-homework\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In recent years, homework has become a very \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/54536/is-homework-valuable-depends-on-the-grade-teachers-share-their-approaches\">hot topic\u003c/a>. Many parents and educators have raised concerns about homework and questioned how effective it is in enhancing students’ learning. There are also concerns that students may be getting too much homework, which ultimately interferes with quality family time and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60253/play-is-crucial-for-middle-schoolers-too\">opportunities for physical activity and play\u003c/a>. Research suggests that these concerns may be valid. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://businessstatistics.us/cte-capstone-homework-and.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> reported that elementary school students, on average, are assigned three times\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> the recommended amount of homework.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So what does the research say? What are the potential risks and benefits of homework, and how much is too much?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Academic benefits\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">First, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://classtap.pbworks.com/f/Does+Homework+Improve+Achievement.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that homework is associated with higher scores on academic standardized tests for middle and high school students, but \u003c/span>not \u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Harris-Cooper/publication/247522586_Using_Research_to_Answer_Practical_Questions_About_Homework/links/63e3957ec002331f7262531b/Using-Research-to-Answer-Practical-Questions-About-Homework.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">elementary school students\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. A\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/00220973.2020.1861422\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent experimental study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in Romania found some benefit for a small amount of writing homework in elementary students but not math homework. Yet, interestingly, this positive impact only occurred when students were given a moderate amount of homework (about 20 minutes on average).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Non-academic benefits\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The goal of homework is not simply to improve academic skills. Research finds that homework may have some non-academic benefits, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656616302446\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">building responsibility\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=221554b32125b18c98bda95d408cdb90a3236005\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">time management skills, and task persistence\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/27542451\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Homework\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> may also \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://web.archive.org/web/20170812233101id_/http://libres.uncg.edu/ir/uncg/f/D_Demo_Family_1998.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increase parents’ involvement\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in their children’s schooling. Yet, too much homework may also have some negative impacts on non-academic skills by reducing opportunities for \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/142/3/e20182058/38649/The-Power-of-Play-A-Pediatric-Role-in-Enhancing\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">free play\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, which is essential for the development of language, cognitive, self-regulation and social-emotional skills. Homework may also \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://bmcresnotes.biomedcentral.com/counter/pdf/10.1186/s13104-018-3292-y.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">interfere with physical activity\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and too much homework is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://bmcpediatr.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12887-021-02892-w\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">an increased risk for being overweight\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. As with the research on academic benefits, this research also suggests that homework may be beneficial when it is minimal.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What is the “right” amount of homework?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research suggests that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://classtap.pbworks.com/f/Does+Homework+Improve+Achievement.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">homework\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> should not exceed 1.5 to 2.5 hours per night for high school students and no more than one hour per night for middle school students. Homework for elementary school students should be minimal and assigned with the aim of building self-regulation and independent work skills. Any more than this and homework may no longer have a positive impact. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/how-much-homework-too-much\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">National Education Association\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommends 10 minutes of homework per grade and there is also\u003c/span> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some experimental evidence that backs this up.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research finds that homework provides some academic benefit for middle and high school students but is less beneficial for elementary school students. Research suggests that homework should be none or minimal for elementary students, less than one hour per night for middle school students, and less than 1.5 to 2.5 hours for high school students. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What can parents do?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://web.archive.org/web/20221115083537id_/https://phrepo.phbern.ch/1018/1/The_Need_to_Distinguish_Between_Quantity_and_Quality_in_Research_on_Parental_Involvement_The_Example_of_Parental_Help_With_Homework.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that parental help with homework is beneficial but that it matters more \u003cem>how\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> the parent is helping rather than \u003cem>how often\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> the parent is helping.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So how should parents help with homework, according to the research? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Focus on providing general monitoring, guidance and encouragement, but allow children to generate answers on their own and complete their homework as independently as possible\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Specifically, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52393/how-parents-can-create-a-nightly-homework-ritual-for-reluctant-children\">be present\u003c/a> while they are completing homework to help them to understand the directions, be available to answer simple questions, or praise and acknowledge their effort and hard work. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0361476X99910366\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> shows that allowing children \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0361476X11000439\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">more autonomy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in completing homework may benefit their academic skills.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Only provide help when your child asks for it and step away whenever possible.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://deepblue.lib.umich.edu/bitstream/handle/2027.42/108320/bjep12039.pdf?sequence\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that too much parental involvement or intrusive and controlling involvement with homework is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://web.archive.org/web/20221115083537id_/https://phrepo.phbern.ch/1018/1/The_Need_to_Distinguish_Between_Quantity_and_Quality_in_Research_on_Parental_Involvement_The_Example_of_Parental_Help_With_Homework.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">worse academic performance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Help your children to create structure and develop some routines that help your child to independently complete their homework\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Have a regular time and place for homework that is free from distractions and has all of the materials they need within arm’s reach. Help your child to create a checklist for homework tasks. Create rules for homework with your child. Help children to develop strategies for increasing their own self-motivation. For example, developing their own reward system or creating a homework schedule with breaks for fun activities. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ1054517\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that providing this type of structure and responsiveness is related to improved academic skills.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Set specific rules around homework.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.3102/0034654308325185\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds an association between parents setting rules around homework and academic performance. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Help your child to view homework as an opportunity to learn and improve skills.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1041608011000409\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> who view homework as a learning opportunity (that is, a “mastery orientation”) rather than something that they must get “right” or complete successfully to obtain a higher grade (that is, a “performance orientation”) are more likely to have children with the same attitudes. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage your child to persist in challenging assignments and emphasize difficult assignments as opportunities to grow\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=646524b6163a46720005099da775dbbced5745de\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this attitude is associated with student success. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Mareike-Kunter-2/publication/44951983_Homework_Works_if_Homework_Quality_Is_High_Using_Multilevel_Modeling_to_Predict_the_Development_of_Achievement_in_Mathematics/links/552e688f0cf2acd38cb94e51/Homework-Works-if-Homework-Quality-Is-High-Using-Multilevel-Modeling-to-Predict-the-Development-of-Achievement-in-Mathematics.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also indicates that more challenging homework is associated with enhanced academic performance.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Stay calm and positive during homework.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2005-02477-012\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> shows that mothers showing positive emotions while helping with homework may improve children’s motivation in homework.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Praise your child’s hard work and effort during homework.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> This type of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.reed.edu/psychology/motivation/assets/downloads/Haimovitz_Corpus_2011.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">praise\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> is likely to increase motivation. In addition, research finds that putting more effort into homework may be associated with enhanced development of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656616302446\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">conscientiousness \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">in children.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Communicate with your child and the teacher about any problems your child has with homework and the teacher’s learning goals.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Nancy-Hill-3/publication/24399801_Parental_Involvement_in_Middle_School_A_Meta-Analytic_Assessment_of_the_Strategies_That_Promote_Achievement/links/54637ef40cf2cb7e9da96676/Parental-Involvement-in-Middle-School-A-Meta-Analytic-Assessment-of-the-Strategies-That-Promote-Achievement.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that open communication about homework is associated with increased academic performance.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of three and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>A version of this post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/how-important-is-homework\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In recent years, homework has become a very \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/54536/is-homework-valuable-depends-on-the-grade-teachers-share-their-approaches\">hot topic\u003c/a>. Many parents and educators have raised concerns about homework and questioned how effective it is in enhancing students’ learning. There are also concerns that students may be getting too much homework, which ultimately interferes with quality family time and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60253/play-is-crucial-for-middle-schoolers-too\">opportunities for physical activity and play\u003c/a>. Research suggests that these concerns may be valid. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://businessstatistics.us/cte-capstone-homework-and.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> reported that elementary school students, on average, are assigned three times\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> the recommended amount of homework.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So what does the research say? What are the potential risks and benefits of homework, and how much is too much?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Academic benefits\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">First, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://classtap.pbworks.com/f/Does+Homework+Improve+Achievement.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that homework is associated with higher scores on academic standardized tests for middle and high school students, but \u003c/span>not \u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Harris-Cooper/publication/247522586_Using_Research_to_Answer_Practical_Questions_About_Homework/links/63e3957ec002331f7262531b/Using-Research-to-Answer-Practical-Questions-About-Homework.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">elementary school students\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. A\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/00220973.2020.1861422\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent experimental study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in Romania found some benefit for a small amount of writing homework in elementary students but not math homework. Yet, interestingly, this positive impact only occurred when students were given a moderate amount of homework (about 20 minutes on average).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Non-academic benefits\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The goal of homework is not simply to improve academic skills. Research finds that homework may have some non-academic benefits, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656616302446\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">building responsibility\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=221554b32125b18c98bda95d408cdb90a3236005\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">time management skills, and task persistence\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/27542451\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Homework\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> may also \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://web.archive.org/web/20170812233101id_/http://libres.uncg.edu/ir/uncg/f/D_Demo_Family_1998.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increase parents’ involvement\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in their children’s schooling. Yet, too much homework may also have some negative impacts on non-academic skills by reducing opportunities for \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/142/3/e20182058/38649/The-Power-of-Play-A-Pediatric-Role-in-Enhancing\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">free play\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, which is essential for the development of language, cognitive, self-regulation and social-emotional skills. Homework may also \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://bmcresnotes.biomedcentral.com/counter/pdf/10.1186/s13104-018-3292-y.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">interfere with physical activity\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and too much homework is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://bmcpediatr.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12887-021-02892-w\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">an increased risk for being overweight\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. As with the research on academic benefits, this research also suggests that homework may be beneficial when it is minimal.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What is the “right” amount of homework?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research suggests that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://classtap.pbworks.com/f/Does+Homework+Improve+Achievement.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">homework\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> should not exceed 1.5 to 2.5 hours per night for high school students and no more than one hour per night for middle school students. Homework for elementary school students should be minimal and assigned with the aim of building self-regulation and independent work skills. Any more than this and homework may no longer have a positive impact. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/how-much-homework-too-much\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">National Education Association\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommends 10 minutes of homework per grade and there is also\u003c/span> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some experimental evidence that backs this up.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research finds that homework provides some academic benefit for middle and high school students but is less beneficial for elementary school students. Research suggests that homework should be none or minimal for elementary students, less than one hour per night for middle school students, and less than 1.5 to 2.5 hours for high school students. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What can parents do?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://web.archive.org/web/20221115083537id_/https://phrepo.phbern.ch/1018/1/The_Need_to_Distinguish_Between_Quantity_and_Quality_in_Research_on_Parental_Involvement_The_Example_of_Parental_Help_With_Homework.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that parental help with homework is beneficial but that it matters more \u003cem>how\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> the parent is helping rather than \u003cem>how often\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> the parent is helping.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So how should parents help with homework, according to the research? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Focus on providing general monitoring, guidance and encouragement, but allow children to generate answers on their own and complete their homework as independently as possible\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Specifically, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52393/how-parents-can-create-a-nightly-homework-ritual-for-reluctant-children\">be present\u003c/a> while they are completing homework to help them to understand the directions, be available to answer simple questions, or praise and acknowledge their effort and hard work. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0361476X99910366\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> shows that allowing children \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0361476X11000439\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">more autonomy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in completing homework may benefit their academic skills.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Only provide help when your child asks for it and step away whenever possible.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://deepblue.lib.umich.edu/bitstream/handle/2027.42/108320/bjep12039.pdf?sequence\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that too much parental involvement or intrusive and controlling involvement with homework is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://web.archive.org/web/20221115083537id_/https://phrepo.phbern.ch/1018/1/The_Need_to_Distinguish_Between_Quantity_and_Quality_in_Research_on_Parental_Involvement_The_Example_of_Parental_Help_With_Homework.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">worse academic performance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Help your children to create structure and develop some routines that help your child to independently complete their homework\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Have a regular time and place for homework that is free from distractions and has all of the materials they need within arm’s reach. Help your child to create a checklist for homework tasks. Create rules for homework with your child. Help children to develop strategies for increasing their own self-motivation. For example, developing their own reward system or creating a homework schedule with breaks for fun activities. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ1054517\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that providing this type of structure and responsiveness is related to improved academic skills.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Set specific rules around homework.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.3102/0034654308325185\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds an association between parents setting rules around homework and academic performance. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Help your child to view homework as an opportunity to learn and improve skills.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1041608011000409\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> who view homework as a learning opportunity (that is, a “mastery orientation”) rather than something that they must get “right” or complete successfully to obtain a higher grade (that is, a “performance orientation”) are more likely to have children with the same attitudes. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage your child to persist in challenging assignments and emphasize difficult assignments as opportunities to grow\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=646524b6163a46720005099da775dbbced5745de\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this attitude is associated with student success. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Mareike-Kunter-2/publication/44951983_Homework_Works_if_Homework_Quality_Is_High_Using_Multilevel_Modeling_to_Predict_the_Development_of_Achievement_in_Mathematics/links/552e688f0cf2acd38cb94e51/Homework-Works-if-Homework-Quality-Is-High-Using-Multilevel-Modeling-to-Predict-the-Development-of-Achievement-in-Mathematics.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also indicates that more challenging homework is associated with enhanced academic performance.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Stay calm and positive during homework.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2005-02477-012\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> shows that mothers showing positive emotions while helping with homework may improve children’s motivation in homework.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Praise your child’s hard work and effort during homework.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> This type of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.reed.edu/psychology/motivation/assets/downloads/Haimovitz_Corpus_2011.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">praise\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> is likely to increase motivation. In addition, research finds that putting more effort into homework may be associated with enhanced development of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656616302446\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">conscientiousness \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">in children.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Communicate with your child and the teacher about any problems your child has with homework and the teacher’s learning goals.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Nancy-Hill-3/publication/24399801_Parental_Involvement_in_Middle_School_A_Meta-Analytic_Assessment_of_the_Strategies_That_Promote_Achievement/links/54637ef40cf2cb7e9da96676/Parental-Involvement-in-Middle-School-A-Meta-Analytic-Assessment-of-the-Strategies-That-Promote-Achievement.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that open communication about homework is associated with increased academic performance.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of three and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Six years ago, Harvard \u003ca href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/07/opinion/how-to-keep-your-college-admission-offer-start-with-digital-literacy.html?searchResultPosition=1\">withdrew admissions offers\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> from 10 high school seniors it had previously accepted. School officials had gotten wind of jokes circulating on the students’ private Facebook group — memes that made light of school shootings and found hilarity in the Holocaust, among other repellant takes — and reversed course. After the George Floyd murder in 2020, more young people who had posted racist or apparently bigoted posts in their youth faced similar punishment when sleuths unearthed and shared their online offenses. A prominent \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/02/us/racism-social-media-college-admissions.html?searchResultPosition=1\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">New York Times\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">story \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">spread the word to ambitious kids and anxious parents: be careful what you say online, because it \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/58688/you-can-now-ask-google-to-scrub-images-of-minors-from-its-search-results\">never goes away\u003c/a>. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Author and media/technology guru \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/DevorahHeitner\">Devorah Heitner\u003c/a> heard all about it. Panicked parents approached her and asked, how can I keep my kid from going viral for all the wrong reasons? Heitner’s latest \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">book\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/690819/growing-up-in-public-by-devorah-heitner-phd/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Growing Up In Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, addresses these and other concerns related to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61654/what-happens-when-one-twin-scorns-social-media-and-the-other-embraces-it\">kids’ use and misuse of social media\u003c/a>, as well as the subversive impact of surveillance culture. Heitner wants to help young people and their parents \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61671/teens-say-social-media-is-stressing-them-out-heres-how-to-help-them\">better navigate the digital universe\u003c/a>.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">But first, let’s be clear about the likely downstream impact of foolish or cruel social media posts on college admissions. Most applicants needn’t agonize about an old SnapChat shot or Facebook message derailing their college dreams; admissions officers barely have the time to review the applications on their desks, let alone comb through ancient Instagram posts. What’s more important is that kids don’t get the message from the grown-ups in their lives that what matters is not getting caught. “I’d worry much more about kids who think genocide is funny than that they didn’t get into Harvard,” Heitner told me. Better to think about children’s character — what kind of teammate or classmate or citizen they are — than on the consequences of a callous post.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What parents \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">should\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> be worried about, or at least attentive to, are subterranean violations of privacy: social media companies scooping up seemingly innocuous data, filtering it through their algorithms, and turning it back on kids to drive consumption. Parents also need to pay attention to creepy sexual harassment on Instagram, which has \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62004/so-your-tween-wants-a-smartphone-read-this-first\">become routine for girls\u003c/a>. Though common, few kids will tell their parents.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Heitner’s advice to parents is grounded in mentorship and communication. “We want our kids to make good decisions, even when we are not right there,” she writes. “Mentoring is better than monitoring if we want to set our kids up for success.” She offers these and other suggestions to parents looking for guidance: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Heal thyself\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Grown-ups are famous for tut-tutting about kids these days, but \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60436/when-parents-practice-good-screen-habits-it-rubs-off-on-the-whole-family\">many of us are guilty of the very behavior we bemoan\u003c/a>: cocooning with our phones at all hours, lamenting the failure of our thousands of friends to like a brilliant post, and sharing personal information haphazardly online. To encourage prudent phone and social media use with kids, adults need to adopt it themselves. As a practical matter, that means detaching regularly from electronic devices and downplaying the impact of likes and follows. It also requires parents to be cautious about “sharenting” — displaying triumphant photos of our kids online.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Minimize surveillance.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Some kids report being fine with their parents tracking their every move, monitoring their grades and reviewing their texts. But kids acquiescing to their parents’ obsessive worry doesn’t make it wise or right. Keeping a constant eye on kids’ whereabouts generates suspicion and signals an essential mistrust in the child; they can’t be counted on to handle their own assignments, or travel from school to the library without getting lost. Growing up means figuring out how to manage oneself and carry out responsibilities. Better to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60624/young-adults-are-struggling-with-their-mental-health-is-more-childhood-independence-the-answer\">mentor kids in developing agency\u003c/a> than snooping and spying, which only allows for “catching” kids after the fact.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Talk about social media.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Immersed in flawless worlds where everyone is celebrating fabulous events that don’t include you, normal kids can easily feel like losers. To offset the enervating effect of Instagram and TikTok, parents need to communicate with their children about…reality. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61126/how-to-help-young-people-limit-screen-time-and-improve-their-body-image\">Remind them that social media imagery is curated\u003c/a>. Invite them to assess their feelings when perusing these apps, so they learn how to understand and manage their emotions. Encourage actual activities with friends. Remind them to read posts before “liking” them. “Others’ social media is a performance,” Heitner said. And if kids do something dumb or foolish online to elicit a reaction, resist the temptation to yank their phones away; doing so will drive them to keep secrets. Instead, use the episode as an opportunity to address why posting certain pictures or liking edgy takes can backfire and give others the wrong impression of what kind of person you are.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Guide them on how to share personal information.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> “There’s no opting out of mentoring our kids on technology,” Heitner said. Help them to be thoughtful about what they share, rather than impulsive. Encourage them to pause before posting something sensitive, and to challenge their own reasoning; if it’s to accumulate likes, that’s probably a bad reason. Advise them that if their post is deeply personal, they would be wise to keep it within a trusted group — friends who have demonstrated they can handle others’ personal disclosures. Though they might resist, kids intent on sharing intimate stories can be encouraged to tell their trusted friends in person rather than through Instagram. And unless the child is floundering, don’t snoop. No good can come of it.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Talk about sexting. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Regrettable it may be, but most middle school children know about explicit imagery popping up on their phones. Heitner encourages parents to talk with their children about never forwarding explicit pictures, regardless of the source. Explain how doing so \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62011/teens-want-to-know-how-to-have-better-relationships-consent-education-can-help\">breaches another’s privacy and transgresses ethics\u003c/a> — while also violating the law in some states. A parent might invite an exchange the next time a celebrity’s private photos are disseminated against her will. “It’s not an optional conversation,” Heitner told me.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Help them through the worst. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Despite a parent’s best efforts, some kids do get caught up in social media scandals. There’s a way to handle this, Heitner says. First, let them know you understand their feelings of shame, humiliation or anger. Protect them from physical danger if such a risk exists. Then, invite them to reflect on and interrogate their own actions in the episode. And always set a good example: if other children are publicly shamed, don’t reshare and pile on. It’s during such dreadful periods that a family custom of open communication becomes most valuable. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Six years ago, Harvard \u003ca href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/07/opinion/how-to-keep-your-college-admission-offer-start-with-digital-literacy.html?searchResultPosition=1\">withdrew admissions offers\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> from 10 high school seniors it had previously accepted. School officials had gotten wind of jokes circulating on the students’ private Facebook group — memes that made light of school shootings and found hilarity in the Holocaust, among other repellant takes — and reversed course. After the George Floyd murder in 2020, more young people who had posted racist or apparently bigoted posts in their youth faced similar punishment when sleuths unearthed and shared their online offenses. A prominent \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/02/us/racism-social-media-college-admissions.html?searchResultPosition=1\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">New York Times\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">story \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">spread the word to ambitious kids and anxious parents: be careful what you say online, because it \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/58688/you-can-now-ask-google-to-scrub-images-of-minors-from-its-search-results\">never goes away\u003c/a>. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Author and media/technology guru \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/DevorahHeitner\">Devorah Heitner\u003c/a> heard all about it. Panicked parents approached her and asked, how can I keep my kid from going viral for all the wrong reasons? Heitner’s latest \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">book\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/690819/growing-up-in-public-by-devorah-heitner-phd/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Growing Up In Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, addresses these and other concerns related to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61654/what-happens-when-one-twin-scorns-social-media-and-the-other-embraces-it\">kids’ use and misuse of social media\u003c/a>, as well as the subversive impact of surveillance culture. Heitner wants to help young people and their parents \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61671/teens-say-social-media-is-stressing-them-out-heres-how-to-help-them\">better navigate the digital universe\u003c/a>.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">But first, let’s be clear about the likely downstream impact of foolish or cruel social media posts on college admissions. Most applicants needn’t agonize about an old SnapChat shot or Facebook message derailing their college dreams; admissions officers barely have the time to review the applications on their desks, let alone comb through ancient Instagram posts. What’s more important is that kids don’t get the message from the grown-ups in their lives that what matters is not getting caught. “I’d worry much more about kids who think genocide is funny than that they didn’t get into Harvard,” Heitner told me. Better to think about children’s character — what kind of teammate or classmate or citizen they are — than on the consequences of a callous post.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What parents \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">should\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> be worried about, or at least attentive to, are subterranean violations of privacy: social media companies scooping up seemingly innocuous data, filtering it through their algorithms, and turning it back on kids to drive consumption. Parents also need to pay attention to creepy sexual harassment on Instagram, which has \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62004/so-your-tween-wants-a-smartphone-read-this-first\">become routine for girls\u003c/a>. Though common, few kids will tell their parents.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Heitner’s advice to parents is grounded in mentorship and communication. “We want our kids to make good decisions, even when we are not right there,” she writes. “Mentoring is better than monitoring if we want to set our kids up for success.” She offers these and other suggestions to parents looking for guidance: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Heal thyself\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Grown-ups are famous for tut-tutting about kids these days, but \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60436/when-parents-practice-good-screen-habits-it-rubs-off-on-the-whole-family\">many of us are guilty of the very behavior we bemoan\u003c/a>: cocooning with our phones at all hours, lamenting the failure of our thousands of friends to like a brilliant post, and sharing personal information haphazardly online. To encourage prudent phone and social media use with kids, adults need to adopt it themselves. As a practical matter, that means detaching regularly from electronic devices and downplaying the impact of likes and follows. It also requires parents to be cautious about “sharenting” — displaying triumphant photos of our kids online.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Minimize surveillance.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Some kids report being fine with their parents tracking their every move, monitoring their grades and reviewing their texts. But kids acquiescing to their parents’ obsessive worry doesn’t make it wise or right. Keeping a constant eye on kids’ whereabouts generates suspicion and signals an essential mistrust in the child; they can’t be counted on to handle their own assignments, or travel from school to the library without getting lost. Growing up means figuring out how to manage oneself and carry out responsibilities. Better to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60624/young-adults-are-struggling-with-their-mental-health-is-more-childhood-independence-the-answer\">mentor kids in developing agency\u003c/a> than snooping and spying, which only allows for “catching” kids after the fact.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Talk about social media.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Immersed in flawless worlds where everyone is celebrating fabulous events that don’t include you, normal kids can easily feel like losers. To offset the enervating effect of Instagram and TikTok, parents need to communicate with their children about…reality. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61126/how-to-help-young-people-limit-screen-time-and-improve-their-body-image\">Remind them that social media imagery is curated\u003c/a>. Invite them to assess their feelings when perusing these apps, so they learn how to understand and manage their emotions. Encourage actual activities with friends. Remind them to read posts before “liking” them. “Others’ social media is a performance,” Heitner said. And if kids do something dumb or foolish online to elicit a reaction, resist the temptation to yank their phones away; doing so will drive them to keep secrets. Instead, use the episode as an opportunity to address why posting certain pictures or liking edgy takes can backfire and give others the wrong impression of what kind of person you are.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Guide them on how to share personal information.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> “There’s no opting out of mentoring our kids on technology,” Heitner said. Help them to be thoughtful about what they share, rather than impulsive. Encourage them to pause before posting something sensitive, and to challenge their own reasoning; if it’s to accumulate likes, that’s probably a bad reason. Advise them that if their post is deeply personal, they would be wise to keep it within a trusted group — friends who have demonstrated they can handle others’ personal disclosures. Though they might resist, kids intent on sharing intimate stories can be encouraged to tell their trusted friends in person rather than through Instagram. And unless the child is floundering, don’t snoop. No good can come of it.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Talk about sexting. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Regrettable it may be, but most middle school children know about explicit imagery popping up on their phones. Heitner encourages parents to talk with their children about never forwarding explicit pictures, regardless of the source. Explain how doing so \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62011/teens-want-to-know-how-to-have-better-relationships-consent-education-can-help\">breaches another’s privacy and transgresses ethics\u003c/a> — while also violating the law in some states. A parent might invite an exchange the next time a celebrity’s private photos are disseminated against her will. “It’s not an optional conversation,” Heitner told me.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cb>Help them through the worst. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Despite a parent’s best efforts, some kids do get caught up in social media scandals. There’s a way to handle this, Heitner says. First, let them know you understand their feelings of shame, humiliation or anger. Protect them from physical danger if such a risk exists. Then, invite them to reflect on and interrogate their own actions in the episode. And always set a good example: if other children are publicly shamed, don’t reshare and pile on. It’s during such dreadful periods that a family custom of open communication becomes most valuable. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"title": "Thinking about tutoring for your child? Here’s what you should consider.",
"headTitle": "Thinking about tutoring for your child? Here’s what you should consider. | KQED",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://chalkbeat.admin.usechorus.com/e/23565152\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cb>Leer en español.\u003c/b>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>This story was \u003ca href=\"https://co.chalkbeat.org/2023/7/20/23798228/tutoring-help-for-child\" rel='\"canonical'>originally published\u003c/a> by Chalkbeat. Sign up for their newsletters at \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://ckbe.at/newsletters\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>ckbe.at/newsletters\u003c/u>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As educators look for ways to help students as they recover academically from pandemic interruptions, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61101/what-we-know-about-tutoring-research-and-how-schools-are-using-tutoring-in-pandemic-recovery\">tutoring can play a key role\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But across the country, many leaders are seeing that some of the students who need the help the most \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://www.chalkbeat.org/2023/5/17/23726983/high-dosage-tutoring-stanford-research-students-pandemic?utm_source=Chalkbeat&utm_campaign=928f3be94a-National+Why+highdosage+tutoring+is+still+so+hard&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_9091015053-928f3be94a-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5D\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">aren’t taking advantage\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, as parents, what questions should you be asking about tutoring and whether your student can benefit? Here are answers to some common questions.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 id=\"8TYA4l\">When should I consider tutoring for my child?\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Rhonda Haniford, associate commissioner of the school quality and support division at the Colorado Department of Education, said the first thing to keep in mind is that different tutoring programs are designed to achieve different goals.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While parents might think tutoring is only to help students who are struggling academically, sometimes programs are designed instead to keep students engaged, accelerate their learning, or hone in on specific skills or needs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If a parent believes their child is struggling academically, Haniford said they should look at what their school offers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“First, I would say meet with the school and talk about what they’re seeing,” Haniford said. “Talk about what’s working, what are the child’s strengths as well as where are their needs. And can tutoring help? It depends on what the tutoring program is designed to accomplish.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parent Keri Rodrigues said her five sons’ report cards showed good grades and that her boys were doing well. But when she asked them to read to her at home, she noticed two were struggling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“These were things I could see,” Rodrigues said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rodrigues is co-founder of the advocacy group \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://nationalparentsunion.org/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">National Parents Union\u003c/a>. She advises parents to trust their instincts and ask questions when they believe their children might be struggling. That means starting with more conversations with teachers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When talking with teachers, Rodrigues said, one of the most important questions to ask is whether your child is reading at grade level, and if not, what is being done to get them there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Report cards often are not telling us this information,” she said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ashara Baker, a mother to a rising second grader and also a leader with National Parents Union, advises parents that if their child attends a school that has low state test scores, they should consider tutoring even if it seems like their child is doing well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Haniford said the first step is to make sure that the goals of the tutoring program match your child’s needs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After that, she said, parents should ask if their school has a diagnostic assessment of their child. Most schools do, she said. That information can guide tutors to a student’s needs and to build on their strengths.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rodrigues likes to remind parents that they don’t need to be well-versed in education curriculum to start asking questions. She suggests asking if a program is using evidence-based practices, which are strategies that are based on research and have been proven to work, and if their reading programs are based on the science of reading, the research about how children’s brains learn to read.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you hear things like balanced literacy, that might be a problem,” she said. Balanced Literacy is \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://co.chalkbeat.org/2020/3/27/21231320/why-do-so-many-colorado-students-struggle-to-read-flawed-curriculum-is-part-of-the-problem\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">an approach to teaching reading\u003c/a> based on a debunked philosophy that reading is natural and requires encouragement. “Even if you just remember they should say ‘science of reading,’ you shouldn’t be intimidated.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some research shows that \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://www.chalkbeat.org/2023/5/17/23726983/high-dosage-tutoring-stanford-research-students-pandemic?utm_source=Chalkbeat&utm_campaign=928f3be94a-National+Why+highdosage+tutoring+is+still+so+hard&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_9091015053-928f3be94a-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5D\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">“high-dosage” tutoring programs may be most effective\u003c/a> for students who need academic help. Usually that involves in-person instruction a few times a week.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Baker is leading an effort to get New York schools to make high-dosage tutoring available in public schools.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She said good communication is important. Her local district advertised a summer enrichment program, and her daughter attended. Baker knew her daughter was taken to get a library card and to the farmers market, and she heard about how much fun the kids had with water balloons. But Baker said she didn’t know the program was meant to be a form of tutoring.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It can be fun, but you have to be checking in: How are we doing? Are we making progress?” Baker said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She also suggests asking if tutors are trained and certified and finding out how many students are working with each tutor. Small groups are best, she said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Haniford agrees about small groups. She said the most successful programs have no more than six students per tutor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“They have a clear purpose and vision for what they want to accomplish, and it’s not a catch-all with too many students, because then students are not getting individualized attention,” Haniford said.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 id=\"YiawKO\">How do I know if my child is getting the most from their tutoring?\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Baker suggests that parents make sure the tutoring program their school uses, or that they select from outside groups, does some testing that will measure improvement or where more help is needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The tutoring program she pays to help her daughter outside of school now gives parents regular reports about how things are progressing and how parents can help maintain the progress at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jennifer Castillo, new principal of Boston P-8 in Aurora, said that the school has tutoring run by an outside group, but uses the school’s own teachers that are already familiar with their students.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Having those relationships is very important,” Castillo said. “They know where those student’s gaps are, they know the reasons students are there. I think it’s important for the tutors and the student to be able to go to their parents and show that progress. After a month, I’m seeing an increase in scores or ability or confidence, whatever the issue. As a parent, hopefully you don’t have to ask in a strong partnership.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Castillo said that if the program you’re considering has tutors who aren’t teachers in the school, parents might ask if there’s a way for the tutors and teachers to communicate with each other so that the tutoring help is aligned with what is happening in the classroom.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 id=\"ZhIILB\">Should I wait to get my child into a tutoring program?\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>“There’s always that tug of should I wait a little longer? Maybe it was a rough year. Maybe it was a rough teacher,” Rodrigues said. “Things don’t get easier the more you wait. They get harder.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is especially true for younger children who need extra help to learn to read. Being able to read will help students learn more complex subjects later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Haniford and Castillo believe parents should clarify why their child needs a break — is there a social or emotional issue, for example — and to look at various options to address the issue.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Kids don’t need a break from learning,” Castillo said. Learning can happen all day, she added. “But we need to ensure they’re engaged and it’s not just sitting and listening. Taking the tutoring outside, making it more hands-on, or making it more applicable might help.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Castillo also recommends that students understand the importance of tutoring and the benefits they should see themselves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“The students have to want to be involved,” Castillo said. “Letting them have some ownership will help as well.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Yesenia Robles is a reporter for Chalkbeat Colorado covering K-12 school districts and multilingual education. Contact Yesenia at yrobles@chalkbeat.org.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://co.chalkbeat.org/2023/7/20/23798228/tutoring-help-for-child\" rel='\"canonical'>Chalkbeat\u003c/a> is a nonprofit news site covering educational change in public schools.\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://chalkbeat.admin.usechorus.com/e/23565152\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cb>Leer en español.\u003c/b>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>This story was \u003ca href=\"https://co.chalkbeat.org/2023/7/20/23798228/tutoring-help-for-child\" rel='\"canonical'>originally published\u003c/a> by Chalkbeat. Sign up for their newsletters at \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://ckbe.at/newsletters\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>ckbe.at/newsletters\u003c/u>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As educators look for ways to help students as they recover academically from pandemic interruptions, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61101/what-we-know-about-tutoring-research-and-how-schools-are-using-tutoring-in-pandemic-recovery\">tutoring can play a key role\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But across the country, many leaders are seeing that some of the students who need the help the most \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://www.chalkbeat.org/2023/5/17/23726983/high-dosage-tutoring-stanford-research-students-pandemic?utm_source=Chalkbeat&utm_campaign=928f3be94a-National+Why+highdosage+tutoring+is+still+so+hard&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_9091015053-928f3be94a-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5D\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">aren’t taking advantage\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, as parents, what questions should you be asking about tutoring and whether your student can benefit? Here are answers to some common questions.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 id=\"8TYA4l\">When should I consider tutoring for my child?\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Rhonda Haniford, associate commissioner of the school quality and support division at the Colorado Department of Education, said the first thing to keep in mind is that different tutoring programs are designed to achieve different goals.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While parents might think tutoring is only to help students who are struggling academically, sometimes programs are designed instead to keep students engaged, accelerate their learning, or hone in on specific skills or needs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If a parent believes their child is struggling academically, Haniford said they should look at what their school offers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“First, I would say meet with the school and talk about what they’re seeing,” Haniford said. “Talk about what’s working, what are the child’s strengths as well as where are their needs. And can tutoring help? It depends on what the tutoring program is designed to accomplish.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parent Keri Rodrigues said her five sons’ report cards showed good grades and that her boys were doing well. But when she asked them to read to her at home, she noticed two were struggling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“These were things I could see,” Rodrigues said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rodrigues is co-founder of the advocacy group \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://nationalparentsunion.org/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">National Parents Union\u003c/a>. She advises parents to trust their instincts and ask questions when they believe their children might be struggling. That means starting with more conversations with teachers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When talking with teachers, Rodrigues said, one of the most important questions to ask is whether your child is reading at grade level, and if not, what is being done to get them there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Report cards often are not telling us this information,” she said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ashara Baker, a mother to a rising second grader and also a leader with National Parents Union, advises parents that if their child attends a school that has low state test scores, they should consider tutoring even if it seems like their child is doing well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Haniford said the first step is to make sure that the goals of the tutoring program match your child’s needs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After that, she said, parents should ask if their school has a diagnostic assessment of their child. Most schools do, she said. That information can guide tutors to a student’s needs and to build on their strengths.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rodrigues likes to remind parents that they don’t need to be well-versed in education curriculum to start asking questions. She suggests asking if a program is using evidence-based practices, which are strategies that are based on research and have been proven to work, and if their reading programs are based on the science of reading, the research about how children’s brains learn to read.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you hear things like balanced literacy, that might be a problem,” she said. Balanced Literacy is \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://co.chalkbeat.org/2020/3/27/21231320/why-do-so-many-colorado-students-struggle-to-read-flawed-curriculum-is-part-of-the-problem\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">an approach to teaching reading\u003c/a> based on a debunked philosophy that reading is natural and requires encouragement. “Even if you just remember they should say ‘science of reading,’ you shouldn’t be intimidated.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some research shows that \u003ca class=\"Link\" href=\"https://www.chalkbeat.org/2023/5/17/23726983/high-dosage-tutoring-stanford-research-students-pandemic?utm_source=Chalkbeat&utm_campaign=928f3be94a-National+Why+highdosage+tutoring+is+still+so+hard&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_9091015053-928f3be94a-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5D\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">“high-dosage” tutoring programs may be most effective\u003c/a> for students who need academic help. Usually that involves in-person instruction a few times a week.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Baker is leading an effort to get New York schools to make high-dosage tutoring available in public schools.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She said good communication is important. Her local district advertised a summer enrichment program, and her daughter attended. Baker knew her daughter was taken to get a library card and to the farmers market, and she heard about how much fun the kids had with water balloons. But Baker said she didn’t know the program was meant to be a form of tutoring.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It can be fun, but you have to be checking in: How are we doing? Are we making progress?” Baker said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She also suggests asking if tutors are trained and certified and finding out how many students are working with each tutor. Small groups are best, she said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Haniford agrees about small groups. She said the most successful programs have no more than six students per tutor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“They have a clear purpose and vision for what they want to accomplish, and it’s not a catch-all with too many students, because then students are not getting individualized attention,” Haniford said.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 id=\"YiawKO\">How do I know if my child is getting the most from their tutoring?\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Baker suggests that parents make sure the tutoring program their school uses, or that they select from outside groups, does some testing that will measure improvement or where more help is needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The tutoring program she pays to help her daughter outside of school now gives parents regular reports about how things are progressing and how parents can help maintain the progress at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jennifer Castillo, new principal of Boston P-8 in Aurora, said that the school has tutoring run by an outside group, but uses the school’s own teachers that are already familiar with their students.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Having those relationships is very important,” Castillo said. “They know where those student’s gaps are, they know the reasons students are there. I think it’s important for the tutors and the student to be able to go to their parents and show that progress. After a month, I’m seeing an increase in scores or ability or confidence, whatever the issue. As a parent, hopefully you don’t have to ask in a strong partnership.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Castillo said that if the program you’re considering has tutors who aren’t teachers in the school, parents might ask if there’s a way for the tutors and teachers to communicate with each other so that the tutoring help is aligned with what is happening in the classroom.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 id=\"ZhIILB\">Should I wait to get my child into a tutoring program?\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>“There’s always that tug of should I wait a little longer? Maybe it was a rough year. Maybe it was a rough teacher,” Rodrigues said. “Things don’t get easier the more you wait. They get harder.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is especially true for younger children who need extra help to learn to read. Being able to read will help students learn more complex subjects later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Haniford and Castillo believe parents should clarify why their child needs a break — is there a social or emotional issue, for example — and to look at various options to address the issue.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Kids don’t need a break from learning,” Castillo said. Learning can happen all day, she added. “But we need to ensure they’re engaged and it’s not just sitting and listening. Taking the tutoring outside, making it more hands-on, or making it more applicable might help.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Castillo also recommends that students understand the importance of tutoring and the benefits they should see themselves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“The students have to want to be involved,” Castillo said. “Letting them have some ownership will help as well.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Yesenia Robles is a reporter for Chalkbeat Colorado covering K-12 school districts and multilingual education. Contact Yesenia at yrobles@chalkbeat.org.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"title": "So Your Tween Wants a Smartphone? Read This First",
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"content": "\u003cp>Your tween wants a smartphone \u003cem>very \u003c/em>badly. So badly that it physically hurts. And they’re giving you \u003cem>soooo \u003c/em>many reasons why.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They’re going to middle school … they need it to collaborate with peers on school projects … they need it to tell you where they are … when they’ll be home … when the school bus is late. It’ll help \u003cem>you,\u003c/em> dear parent, they vow. Plus, all their friends have one, and they feel left out. Come on! Pleeeeeease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before you click “place order” on that smartphone, pause and consider a few insights from a person who makes a living helping parents and tweens navigate the murky waters of smartphones and social media.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.thescreentimeconsultant.com/about-emily\">Emily Cherkin\u003c/a> spent more than a decade as a middle school teacher during the early aughts. She watched firsthand as the presence of smartphones transformed life for middle schoolers. For the past four years, she’s been working as screen-time consultant, coaching parents about digital technology.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her first piece of advice about when to give a child a smartphone and allow them to access social media was reiterated by other experts over and over again: Delay, delay, delay.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>“I wish I knew then what I know now”\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>“I have talked to hundreds of parents,” Cherkin explains, “and no one has ever said to me, ‘I wish I gave my kid a phone earlier’ or ‘I wish I’d given them social media access sooner.’ Never.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In fact, parents tell her the opposite. “I always hear, ‘I wish I had waited. I wish I knew then what I know now,’ ” she says, “because boy, once you give a child one of these devices or technologies, it is so much harder to take it back.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Smartphones, social media and video games create large spikes in dopamine deep inside a child’s brain. As \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61863/anti-dopamine-parenting-can-curb-a-kids-craving-for-screens-or-sweets\">NPR has reported\u003c/a>, those spikes pull the child’s attention to the device or app, almost like a magnet. They tell the child’s brain that this activity is super critical – way more critical than other activities that trigger smaller spikes in dopamine, such as finishing homework, helping to clean up after dinner, or even playing outside with friends.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thus, parents set themselves up for a constant struggle when a child starts having their own smartphone, Cherkin says. “It’s the dopamine you’re fighting. And that’s not a fair fight. So I tell parents, ‘Delay all of it just as long as you can,'” she emphasizes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That means delaying, not just a smartphone, but \u003cem>any \u003c/em>device, including tablets, she suggests. By introducing a tablet at an early age, even for educational purposes, parents can establish a habit that may be hard to break later, Cherkin has observed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“A child using a tablet at age 6 to 8 comes to expect screen time after school,” she says. “Flash forward to age 12, and now they have a phone. And when they come home from school, they’re likely engaging with social media, instead of educational videos.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Neurologically, children’s brains haven’t developed enough to handle the magnetic pull of these devices and the apps on them, says neuroscientist \u003ca href=\"https://en.samaha-lab.com/\">Anne-Noël Samaha\u003c/a> at the University of Montreal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s almost as if you have the perfect storm,” Samaha explains. “You have games, social media and even pornography and shopping online, and the brains of children are just not yet ready to have the level of self-control needed to regulate their behavior with these activities. Even adults sometimes don’t have enough self-control to do that or handle some of the emotional impact of them.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Right-size your parenting fears\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents often feel like once their tween starts moving around more autonomously through their neighborhood or town more, the child needs a smartphone to be safe, Cherkin says. “They may think, ‘Oh, my gosh! My kid is going to be kidnapped on the way to school. They need a phone to call me.’\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Cherkin notes that parents tend to overestimate the dangers of the “real world” and \u003cem>underestimate\u003c/em> the dangers of a smartphone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I think our fears are very misplaced,” she says. “We need to think about what is statistically really likely to happen versus what’s really, really unlikely.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Each year in the U.S. about a hundred children are abducted by strangers or people or slight acquaintances, the U.S. Department of Justice \u003ca href=\"https://ojjdp.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh176/files/pubs/249249.pdf\">reported\u003c/a>. Given that 50 million children, ages 6 to 17, reside in the U.S, the risk of a child being kidnapped by a stranger is about 0.0002% each year. (By comparison, the risk of being struck by lightning each year is about 0.0001%.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other hand, giving a child a phone comes with a whole new set of risks and dangers, Cherkin says. They can be difficult for some parents to understand because they may not have much firsthand experience with specific apps, and the new threats that are emerging.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in March, the nonprofit Common Sense Media \u003ca href=\"https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/report/how-girls-really-feel-about-social-media-researchreport_web_final_2.pdf\">surveyed\u003c/a> about 1,300 girls, ages 11 to 15, about their experiences on social media. Nearly 60% of the girls who use Instagram, and nearly 60% of those who use Snapchat, said they had been contacted by a stranger that makes them uncomfortable. The same was true for 46% of those who use TikTok.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Disturbing online encounters and influences\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The same survey found that these apps often expose girls to content they find disturbing or harmful. For those that use Instagram, TikTok or Snapchat, 12% to 15% of girls see or hear content related to suicide on a daily basis. About the same percentage asaid they see or hear content about eating disorders on a daily basis as well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>An investigation by the Center for Countering Digital Hate also found evidence that content related to suicide and disordered eating is relatively common on TikTok. In the \u003ca href=\"https://counterhate.com/research/deadly-by-design/\">investigation\u003c/a>, the nonprofit set up eight accounts ostensibly by 13-year-old children. Each user paused on and liked videos about body image and mental health. Within 30 minutes, TikTok recommended content about suicide and eating disorders to all eight accounts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In one instance, this content began appearing in less than three minutes. On average, TikTok suggested content about eating disorders every four minutes to the teen accounts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>TikTok declined NPR’s request for an interview, but in an email, a spokesperson for the company wrote: “We’re committed to building age-appropriate experiences, while equipping parents with tools, like\u003ca href=\"https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/newsroom.tiktok.com/en-us/new-features-for-teens-and-families-on-tiktok-us__;!!Iwwt!TXlWyyVqWw7ko1SLp-5LloOiRlujH57BqCCTBxgALe7v3MBnbuRJg9C_l2e_RGxD4vLurQazVw_k3BzUCiaeF4o%24\"> Family Pairing\u003c/a>, to support their teen’s experience on TikTok.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emma Lembke, age 20, says these findings line up with what she experienced when she first went on Instagram eight years ago. “As a 12-year-old girl, I felt like I was being constantly bombarded by bodies that I could never replicate or ones that I could try to, but it would lead me in a darker direction.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She remembers just trying to look up a healthy recipe. “And from that one search, I remember being fed constant stuff about my ‘200-calorie day’ or intermittent fasting.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she says, her feed was “covered with anorexic, thin, tiny women. Dieting pills, lollipops to suppress my appetite.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lembke developed an eating disorder. She has recovered and now is a digital advocate and founder of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.logoffmovement.org/\">Log OFF\u003c/a> project, which helps teens build healthier relationships with social media.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“When I was younger, I was being prodded and poked and fed material [on social media] that was really leading me in a direction toward an eating disorder,” she says. “I think for a lot of young women, even if it doesn’t materialize into a fully fledged eating disorder, it painfully warps their sense of self by harming their body image. ”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instagram’s parent company, Meta, declined a request for an interview. But in an email, a spokesperson said the company has invested in technology that finds and removes content related to suicide, self-injury or eating disorders before anyone reports it. “We want to reassure every parent that we have their interests at heart in the work we’re doing to provide teens with safe, supportive experiences online,” they wrote.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>A whole world of sexually explicit content\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Many children also come across sexualized content, even porn, on social media apps, Cherkin says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you want to get a sense for what your kid might encounter once you let them have a phone and popular apps, Cherkin recommends trying this: Set up a test account in one of the apps, setting the age of the user to your child’s age, and then use the account yourself for a few weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I did that with Snapchat. I set up an account, pretending to be 15. Then I just went to the Discover feed, where it pushes content to you based on your age,” she explains. Within seconds, sexualized content and vulgar images appeared, she says. “And I thought, ‘No, this is not appropriate for a 15-year-old.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Snapchat’s parent company, Snap, also declined a request for an interview with NPR. A spokesperson wrote in an email: “We have largely kept misinformation, hate speech and other potentially harmful content from spreading on Snapchat. That said, we completely understand concerns about the appropriateness of the content that may be featured, and are working to strengthen protections for teens with the aim of offering them a more age-appropriate experience.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Personally, Cherkin uses Instagram for her business. And back in March, despite all her knowledge about the traps on social media, she says she “got catfished.” She engaged with a stranger who seemed to be a teen in her DMs and eventually received obscene and disturbing photos of a man’s genitalia.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She \u003ca href=\"https://www.thescreentimeconsultant.com/think-your-kid-wont-get-porn-in-their-dms-6fd96a4dc330sourcerss-43e8070c4854------2\">writes\u003c/a> on her blog: “It’s graphic. It’s gross. And this is one teeny (lol) example of what kids and teens see ALL THE TIME.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What’s a parent to do? Consider smartphone alternatives\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In the end, Cherkin says, there are several other in-between options for tweens besides giving them their own smartphone or denying them a phone altogether. You can:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Share your phone with your tween so they can text with and call friends.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Give your tween a “dumb phone” that only allows texting and calling. For example, buy an old-school flip phone. But if that’s out of the question because it’s not cool enough (and you have extra cash to spare), you can now buy dumb phones that look like smartphones but have extremely limited functions — no easy-access to the internet, no social media. And very little risk of inappropriate content.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>Try to limit the apps your child uses, but get ready to be busy monitoring them\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>If you do end up getting your tween a smartphone, Cherkin says, you might be tempted to simply “block” children from downloading particular apps on their phones. And in theory, this works. Parental control apps, such as \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/\">Bark,\u003c/a> can notify you when an app is installed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, she says, many kids find workarounds to this approach — and really any parental controls. For instance, she says, if you block Instagram on their phone, kids can log in via the web. If you block TikTok, they might watch TikTok videos in Pinterest. Kids can find \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/blog/spotify-porn-problem/#:~:text=Spotify%2C%20Amazon%20Unlimited%2C%20YouTube%20Music,filter%20off%20after%20the%20fact.\">porn on Spotify\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Kids are way tech savvier than we are,” Cherkin wrote in an email. “Remember how we used to program the VCR for our parents?! Every single parent who comes to me for help has a variation of this same story: ‘We had X parental controls; we blocked X sites; our child figured out how to access them anyway.’ … It’s impossible to successfully block everything — and once you do, a replacement will pop up in its place.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other words, once you give your child a smartphone, you will likely be setting up yourself for a whole new series of parenting tasks and worries. Even Meta reveals this in its April \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxy14wjki6s\">ad for parental controls\u003c/a>: The mom in the ad is monitoring her son’s Instagram account while doing the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=So+your+tween+wants+a+smartphone%3F+Read+this+first&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Your tween wants a smartphone \u003cem>very \u003c/em>badly. So badly that it physically hurts. And they’re giving you \u003cem>soooo \u003c/em>many reasons why.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They’re going to middle school … they need it to collaborate with peers on school projects … they need it to tell you where they are … when they’ll be home … when the school bus is late. It’ll help \u003cem>you,\u003c/em> dear parent, they vow. Plus, all their friends have one, and they feel left out. Come on! Pleeeeeease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before you click “place order” on that smartphone, pause and consider a few insights from a person who makes a living helping parents and tweens navigate the murky waters of smartphones and social media.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.thescreentimeconsultant.com/about-emily\">Emily Cherkin\u003c/a> spent more than a decade as a middle school teacher during the early aughts. She watched firsthand as the presence of smartphones transformed life for middle schoolers. For the past four years, she’s been working as screen-time consultant, coaching parents about digital technology.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her first piece of advice about when to give a child a smartphone and allow them to access social media was reiterated by other experts over and over again: Delay, delay, delay.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>“I wish I knew then what I know now”\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>“I have talked to hundreds of parents,” Cherkin explains, “and no one has ever said to me, ‘I wish I gave my kid a phone earlier’ or ‘I wish I’d given them social media access sooner.’ Never.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In fact, parents tell her the opposite. “I always hear, ‘I wish I had waited. I wish I knew then what I know now,’ ” she says, “because boy, once you give a child one of these devices or technologies, it is so much harder to take it back.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Smartphones, social media and video games create large spikes in dopamine deep inside a child’s brain. As \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61863/anti-dopamine-parenting-can-curb-a-kids-craving-for-screens-or-sweets\">NPR has reported\u003c/a>, those spikes pull the child’s attention to the device or app, almost like a magnet. They tell the child’s brain that this activity is super critical – way more critical than other activities that trigger smaller spikes in dopamine, such as finishing homework, helping to clean up after dinner, or even playing outside with friends.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thus, parents set themselves up for a constant struggle when a child starts having their own smartphone, Cherkin says. “It’s the dopamine you’re fighting. And that’s not a fair fight. So I tell parents, ‘Delay all of it just as long as you can,'” she emphasizes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That means delaying, not just a smartphone, but \u003cem>any \u003c/em>device, including tablets, she suggests. By introducing a tablet at an early age, even for educational purposes, parents can establish a habit that may be hard to break later, Cherkin has observed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“A child using a tablet at age 6 to 8 comes to expect screen time after school,” she says. “Flash forward to age 12, and now they have a phone. And when they come home from school, they’re likely engaging with social media, instead of educational videos.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Neurologically, children’s brains haven’t developed enough to handle the magnetic pull of these devices and the apps on them, says neuroscientist \u003ca href=\"https://en.samaha-lab.com/\">Anne-Noël Samaha\u003c/a> at the University of Montreal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s almost as if you have the perfect storm,” Samaha explains. “You have games, social media and even pornography and shopping online, and the brains of children are just not yet ready to have the level of self-control needed to regulate their behavior with these activities. Even adults sometimes don’t have enough self-control to do that or handle some of the emotional impact of them.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Right-size your parenting fears\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents often feel like once their tween starts moving around more autonomously through their neighborhood or town more, the child needs a smartphone to be safe, Cherkin says. “They may think, ‘Oh, my gosh! My kid is going to be kidnapped on the way to school. They need a phone to call me.’\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Cherkin notes that parents tend to overestimate the dangers of the “real world” and \u003cem>underestimate\u003c/em> the dangers of a smartphone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I think our fears are very misplaced,” she says. “We need to think about what is statistically really likely to happen versus what’s really, really unlikely.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Each year in the U.S. about a hundred children are abducted by strangers or people or slight acquaintances, the U.S. Department of Justice \u003ca href=\"https://ojjdp.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh176/files/pubs/249249.pdf\">reported\u003c/a>. Given that 50 million children, ages 6 to 17, reside in the U.S, the risk of a child being kidnapped by a stranger is about 0.0002% each year. (By comparison, the risk of being struck by lightning each year is about 0.0001%.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other hand, giving a child a phone comes with a whole new set of risks and dangers, Cherkin says. They can be difficult for some parents to understand because they may not have much firsthand experience with specific apps, and the new threats that are emerging.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in March, the nonprofit Common Sense Media \u003ca href=\"https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/report/how-girls-really-feel-about-social-media-researchreport_web_final_2.pdf\">surveyed\u003c/a> about 1,300 girls, ages 11 to 15, about their experiences on social media. Nearly 60% of the girls who use Instagram, and nearly 60% of those who use Snapchat, said they had been contacted by a stranger that makes them uncomfortable. The same was true for 46% of those who use TikTok.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Disturbing online encounters and influences\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The same survey found that these apps often expose girls to content they find disturbing or harmful. For those that use Instagram, TikTok or Snapchat, 12% to 15% of girls see or hear content related to suicide on a daily basis. About the same percentage asaid they see or hear content about eating disorders on a daily basis as well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>An investigation by the Center for Countering Digital Hate also found evidence that content related to suicide and disordered eating is relatively common on TikTok. In the \u003ca href=\"https://counterhate.com/research/deadly-by-design/\">investigation\u003c/a>, the nonprofit set up eight accounts ostensibly by 13-year-old children. Each user paused on and liked videos about body image and mental health. Within 30 minutes, TikTok recommended content about suicide and eating disorders to all eight accounts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In one instance, this content began appearing in less than three minutes. On average, TikTok suggested content about eating disorders every four minutes to the teen accounts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>TikTok declined NPR’s request for an interview, but in an email, a spokesperson for the company wrote: “We’re committed to building age-appropriate experiences, while equipping parents with tools, like\u003ca href=\"https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/newsroom.tiktok.com/en-us/new-features-for-teens-and-families-on-tiktok-us__;!!Iwwt!TXlWyyVqWw7ko1SLp-5LloOiRlujH57BqCCTBxgALe7v3MBnbuRJg9C_l2e_RGxD4vLurQazVw_k3BzUCiaeF4o%24\"> Family Pairing\u003c/a>, to support their teen’s experience on TikTok.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emma Lembke, age 20, says these findings line up with what she experienced when she first went on Instagram eight years ago. “As a 12-year-old girl, I felt like I was being constantly bombarded by bodies that I could never replicate or ones that I could try to, but it would lead me in a darker direction.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She remembers just trying to look up a healthy recipe. “And from that one search, I remember being fed constant stuff about my ‘200-calorie day’ or intermittent fasting.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she says, her feed was “covered with anorexic, thin, tiny women. Dieting pills, lollipops to suppress my appetite.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lembke developed an eating disorder. She has recovered and now is a digital advocate and founder of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.logoffmovement.org/\">Log OFF\u003c/a> project, which helps teens build healthier relationships with social media.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“When I was younger, I was being prodded and poked and fed material [on social media] that was really leading me in a direction toward an eating disorder,” she says. “I think for a lot of young women, even if it doesn’t materialize into a fully fledged eating disorder, it painfully warps their sense of self by harming their body image. ”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instagram’s parent company, Meta, declined a request for an interview. But in an email, a spokesperson said the company has invested in technology that finds and removes content related to suicide, self-injury or eating disorders before anyone reports it. “We want to reassure every parent that we have their interests at heart in the work we’re doing to provide teens with safe, supportive experiences online,” they wrote.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>A whole world of sexually explicit content\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Many children also come across sexualized content, even porn, on social media apps, Cherkin says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you want to get a sense for what your kid might encounter once you let them have a phone and popular apps, Cherkin recommends trying this: Set up a test account in one of the apps, setting the age of the user to your child’s age, and then use the account yourself for a few weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I did that with Snapchat. I set up an account, pretending to be 15. Then I just went to the Discover feed, where it pushes content to you based on your age,” she explains. Within seconds, sexualized content and vulgar images appeared, she says. “And I thought, ‘No, this is not appropriate for a 15-year-old.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Snapchat’s parent company, Snap, also declined a request for an interview with NPR. A spokesperson wrote in an email: “We have largely kept misinformation, hate speech and other potentially harmful content from spreading on Snapchat. That said, we completely understand concerns about the appropriateness of the content that may be featured, and are working to strengthen protections for teens with the aim of offering them a more age-appropriate experience.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Personally, Cherkin uses Instagram for her business. And back in March, despite all her knowledge about the traps on social media, she says she “got catfished.” She engaged with a stranger who seemed to be a teen in her DMs and eventually received obscene and disturbing photos of a man’s genitalia.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She \u003ca href=\"https://www.thescreentimeconsultant.com/think-your-kid-wont-get-porn-in-their-dms-6fd96a4dc330sourcerss-43e8070c4854------2\">writes\u003c/a> on her blog: “It’s graphic. It’s gross. And this is one teeny (lol) example of what kids and teens see ALL THE TIME.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What’s a parent to do? Consider smartphone alternatives\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In the end, Cherkin says, there are several other in-between options for tweens besides giving them their own smartphone or denying them a phone altogether. You can:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Share your phone with your tween so they can text with and call friends.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Give your tween a “dumb phone” that only allows texting and calling. For example, buy an old-school flip phone. But if that’s out of the question because it’s not cool enough (and you have extra cash to spare), you can now buy dumb phones that look like smartphones but have extremely limited functions — no easy-access to the internet, no social media. And very little risk of inappropriate content.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>Try to limit the apps your child uses, but get ready to be busy monitoring them\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>If you do end up getting your tween a smartphone, Cherkin says, you might be tempted to simply “block” children from downloading particular apps on their phones. And in theory, this works. Parental control apps, such as \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/\">Bark,\u003c/a> can notify you when an app is installed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, she says, many kids find workarounds to this approach — and really any parental controls. For instance, she says, if you block Instagram on their phone, kids can log in via the web. If you block TikTok, they might watch TikTok videos in Pinterest. Kids can find \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/blog/spotify-porn-problem/#:~:text=Spotify%2C%20Amazon%20Unlimited%2C%20YouTube%20Music,filter%20off%20after%20the%20fact.\">porn on Spotify\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Kids are way tech savvier than we are,” Cherkin wrote in an email. “Remember how we used to program the VCR for our parents?! Every single parent who comes to me for help has a variation of this same story: ‘We had X parental controls; we blocked X sites; our child figured out how to access them anyway.’ … It’s impossible to successfully block everything — and once you do, a replacement will pop up in its place.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"info": "Our weekly podcast explores how the media 'sausage' is made, casts an incisive eye on fluctuations in the marketplace of ideas, and examines threats to the freedom of information and expression in America and abroad. For one hour a week, the show tries to lift the veil from the process of \"making media,\" especially news media, because it's through that lens that we see the world and the world sees us",
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"info": "Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.",
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"info": "A two-time Peabody Award-winner, Radiolab is an investigation told through sounds and stories, and centered around one big idea. In the Radiolab world, information sounds like music and science and culture collide. Hosted by Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich, the show is designed for listeners who demand skepticism, but appreciate wonder. WNYC Studios is the producer of other leading podcasts including Freakonomics Radio, Death, Sex & Money, On the Media and many more.",
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"tagline": "Art is where you find it",
"info": "Rightnowish digs into life in the Bay Area right now… ish. Journalist Pendarvis Harshaw takes us to galleries painted on the sides of liquor stores in West Oakland. We'll dance in warehouses in the Bayview, make smoothies with kids in South Berkeley, and listen to classical music in a 1984 Cutlass Supreme in Richmond. Every week, Pen talks to movers and shakers about how the Bay Area shapes what they create, and how they shape the place we call home.",
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"soldout": {
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"info": "Tech Nation is a weekly public radio program, hosted by Dr. Moira Gunn. Founded in 1993, it has grown from a simple interview show to a multi-faceted production, featuring conversations with noted technology and science leaders, and a weekly science and technology-related commentary.",
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"title": "TED Radio Hour",
"info": "The TED Radio Hour is a journey through fascinating ideas, astonishing inventions, fresh approaches to old problems, and new ways to think and create.",
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"tagline": "Local news to keep you rooted",
"info": "Host Devin Katayama walks you through the biggest story of the day with reporters and newsmakers.",
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