Rebecca Toy: Definitions of Family

Rebecca Toy shares about the dynamics with her siblings.

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” I get excited when people ask this question, because I have an interesting family. An older sister, two younger brothers and a younger sister who is turning four this winter. I’m in my forties.

Some people press. They want to understand how my siblings should be hyphenated. I’ll share the story – sometimes they try to redefine my relationships, “So, he’s actually your half-brother…” I quickly correct them. “No, he’s my brother. We don’t do half-siblings.” The whole idea that one can be half of anything doesn’t make any sense. 

I choose to have an expansive definition of family and my life is so much richer for it. After moving to the Bay Area, a co-worker welcomed me into her family – I enjoyed turkey slices alongside biriyani for my first thanksgiving in San Jose. My best friend from college is an auntie to my kids. While visiting her in Germany, my daughter turned three and my friend baked my daughter a birthday cake.

My siblings and I? My sister is the founder of “Sibling Day” – she keeps us all connected. One brother was the star of our theatrical productions growing up. Another brother loves sports (my dad finally got a kid who loves football as much as he does…). My youngest sister is a wonderful aunt – she enjoys playing with the “kids,” her “niblings.” Sure, they happen to be older than she is, but everyone has fun at the park. No qualifiers needed.

So, the next time someone tells you about their family and you hear about brothers and sisters that don’t seem mathematically possible, pause and think about all your family members you’ve had the joy of adding to your life (officially or not). Let siblings be siblings and celebrate and accept whatever definition of family works for those folks who have opened up to share that information with you. With a Perspective, I’m Rebecca Toy.

Rebecca Toy is a software engineer in the South Bay who thinks it’s hip to be a sibling.