The Secret to Secure Attachment? Build a Village
This story is part of Inside Love, our series exploring what it means to love through science and curious conversation.
In love, some of us hold tightly to our independence, while others crave closeness and reassurance. Attachment theory calls those tendencies avoidant or anxious — and we’ve long assumed they’re wired into us from an early age.
But Columbia University psychiatrist Amir Levine, author of the bestseller “Attached,” says attachment is far more flexible than we realize. He says anyone can build a more secure life by surrounding themselves with a “village” of dependable relationships. “You can let your guard down, and you can explore more,” Levine says. “You can dare more.”
We talk with Levine about his new book, “Secure,” and how the relationships we build can change the way we attach.
Guest:
- Amir Levine, associate professor of clinical psychiatry, Columbia University; author, Secure: The Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life
Lesley McClurg: What are the attachment styles?
Amir Levine: There are four recognized attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, secure, and fearful avoidant. People who are anxious love a lot of closeness, but they need reassurance. They’re very sensitive to any potential disruption in that closeness.
People who are avoidant don’t like too much closeness. Independence comes first. And then, secure, they go with the flow. If you need a lot reassurance, they’ll give you reassurance.
If you need your distance, they’ll give you distance. They’re not gonna take it to heart, and they’re not going to get upset.
And the fourth one, which is more rare, is a combination of people who want to be in a relationship and want closeness, but they’re also very sensitive to being potentially rebuffed.
It’s like, I need people, but I’m also really scared of people.
Lesley McClurg: And the thesis of your book is that if you fall into one of these insecure categories, there’s actually hope for you once you create a secure village with people who are consistent and responsive and predictable.
Amir Levine: We have a general attachment style, which really talks about our general approach and ideas about the world and relationships. And I find that even if your general attachment style is insecure, oftentimes people do report that they have at least one or two relationships that are secure, and we can learn to give more room and attention to those secure islands. Because oftentimes our brain tends to really focus on the insecure relationships in our lives because the secure people are boring. They always show up for us. They never bother us. They never impinge on our territory. They’re just there. We tend to think about them less. There’s less drama, but part of secure priming therapy and my coaching is to shift our attention and interact more in those secure relationships. It’s actually in those interactions that our brains start to become more secure. And the more we engulf ourselves in that secure village, the more secure we become, and change our brain to become secure.
Lesley McClurg: And it’s not just the interactions with our most crucial relationships; the seemingly insignificant minor interactions that we’re having all day long with the barista, with our boss, with a colleague. Those make a difference.
Amir Levine: I think when people come to therapy, they often think they have to talk about the difficult things that happened in childhood, or really big things that have happened to them. And they hardly ever think about what I’ve come to call these seemingly insignificant minor interactions — those little day-to-day interactions that we have with our significant other and people who are close to us, but also outside of that as a potential vehicle to change the brain. Even by saying hello to someone in the elevator. Or when I take Ubers, I used to be on my phone; don’t talk to me. But I started to really engage more and talk to Uber drivers. It’s been so rewarding. It’s fertilizer for your brain.
Lesley McClurg: The neuroplasticity of your brain is actually changing in these moments where instead of picking up your phone and texting on the Uber, you have a good interaction. Talk about the biology of what’s happening as you build this village.
Amir Levine: By creating this highly connected life for ourselves through assembling a secure village, through those little interactions of acknowledging other people, having other people acknowledge you, you create all these new connections in the brain. Those connections mirror other connections in the mind that give the brain this message that you’re safe. You can let your guard down, and you can explore more. You can dare more. You can feel the self-esteem, the control over one’s life, all of that stuff really kicks into place. But it’s not just the psychological, it really affects us on a bodily level.
Lesley McClurg: Flesh out some of the findings that you illustrate in your book.
Amir Levine: The findings blew me away because consistent research findings have shown being more connected increases longevity. There’s one study that showed that when people feel greater connection, it increases survival by 50%. It increases brain matter. One study showed that when people reported feeling more connected to others, they were less likely to come down with a common cold. But also one study that came out this year found that insecure relationships really take a toll on our brain,and our biology because it showed signs of accelerated biological aging with every insecure relationship that we have in our life.
Lesley McClurg: What is the one thing that someone should change tomorrow?
Amir Levine: So I quote in the book, Simone Weil, such a provocative philosopher. She says, “Attention is the rarest, purest form of generosity.” Give consistent attention to others. Before writing Secure, I never thought about texting back or being available to others as a form of generosity. But I think that is a form of generosity, that you’re showing up to people in a way that really is giving them something. Like that really is the highest form of generosity. I think that can be really helpful.
Lesley McClurg: Amir, thank you so much for inspiring me to look people in the eyes and take care of them at such a much deeper level.
Amir Levine: Thanks, I really enjoyed this conversation.
Lesley McClurg: Amir Levine is an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University and author of Secure: The Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life. Inside Love is a new production of KQED, and we’d love to hear your thoughts. Our email is [email protected]. Our engineer is Jim Bennett. Our producers are Susie Britton and Emiko Oda. I’m Lesley McClurg.
This transcript was lightly edited for clarity.