When you are in the trenches of parenthood, it is easy to forget that the ultimate goal is to raise well-adjusted, happy, fully-formed adults. This goalpost may seem far away and abstract, particularly for those of us with young children, and it can be so easy to focus only on the strategies we need to get us through our everyday lives. However, it is nice to zoom out occasionally and consider the bigger picture.

So can research give us any insight here? Can we look at well-functioning adults and figure out what their parents did “right” and “wrong”? Well, researchers have done just that by following people from childhood to adulthood and looking at the parenting practices that are associated with “psychological well-being” in adulthood. Psychological well-being is a measure of life satisfaction and psychological health that includes personal growth, self-acceptance and having purpose in life (translation: how well-adjusted you are). I think we can all agree that this is something that we would want for our children.

Two relatively large studies (see here and here) have found two parenting factors that are associated with psychological well-being as adults:

High levels of parental care: Parental care refers to a warm and loving relationship with parents. Parental care has been linked to having positive relationships later in life. This may be because the parent-child relationship provides a template for healthy relationships for their children.
Low levels of psychological control: Psychological control is a parenting approach that involves trying to control your child’s thoughts and feelings. This may involve inducing guilt, manipulating your child to feel or think the way you want them to, shaming, invalidation, personal attacks, or withdrawing affection when your child doesn’t share your thoughts or feelings. Psychological control can be contrasted with behavioral control, which simply means putting limits on your child’s behavior. Psychological control is typically linked to worse psychological outcomes while behavioral control is linked to better outcomes

What does parental care actually look like in practice?

Being affectionate (both physically and verbally) (see this previous newsletter for tips on being more affectionate)
Listening to and truly seeking to understand your child’s problems and worries
Using a warm and friendly voice with them and showing them positive emotions
Praising them and giving them positive attention whenever possible
Showing your children that you enjoy spending time with them and are interested in what they have to say
Helping them to feel better when they are upset
Making them feel valued and important

What do low levels of psychological control look like in practice?

Encouraging your child’s increasing independence from you
Letting them know that you trust them
Allowing them to make decisions on their own whenever possible
Validating their emotions even when you aren’t experiencing the same emotions
Asking about their thoughts and opinions and really listening to what they say
Allowing them to explore their own interests and passions

Overall Translation

[ad fullwidth]

The most well-adjusted adults are more likely to have had parents that were loving and warm and did not try to control their thoughts and feelings. These studies are only correlational, so we do not know whether parental care and psychological control actually cause children to grow into well-adjusted adults or were simply associated with this outcome. However, these studies are some of the best evidence that we currently have for understanding how parenting impacts well-being in adulthood. Although these concepts can seem very complicated, it really boils down to simply showing your child love and allowing them the space to have their own thoughts and feelings.

Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of Parenting Translator, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.

News Daily Newsletter

The Bay

Emma’s Must-Sees

Videos from KQED Live

Donor-Advised Funds

delayed adulthooddelayed adulthood

How To Raise a Well-Adjusted Adult

Relax: Your adult child is probably fine