Lucinda
Sister of a Consumer
Age: 43

Lucinda has been supporting her sister, who has struggled with mental illness for several years. First diagnosed with manic depression, then bipolar disorder, her sister also has a history of serious drug addiction. This winter when Lucinda visited her sister on the East Coast, she asked her to come live with her.

I found out my sister started prostituting herself, and at that point I said, "OK, I can't sit around anymore. I have to do something." Around the same time, I also started therapy to just talk about my sister and our relationship. I felt like what she was going through wasn't just about her, but about our whole family.

I said, "Come visit me for a month," and she did. During that month, she went to meetings, and has been clean for four and a half months now. She went into a treatment program up at Clear Lake, and then she was feeling suicidal, so she checked herself into the hospital. So that is where she is now. I don't know what the next step is for her. But miracles happen all the time. And I guess I think, "Why can't a miracle happen here, if my sister keeps hanging in there and gets the help she needs?"

A lot of my friends were like, "What? You are going to have your sister who has been prostituting for crack come stay with you? You think that is a good idea?" And after a while I was like, "You know what, she is my sister."

Our mom worked. My dad wasn't around--parents divorced. And who did I spend the most time with as a kid? My sister. She was always there. We're really close in age, just one year apart, and she probably knows me better than anyone--somewhat like a twin. I didn't want to go to my grave knowing that I didn't do everything I wanted to do to help her--and that is a decision I had to make totally on my own.

At first when she moved in with me, she would say, "You are like a warden, leave me alone." And I did act like one, telling her, "I don't think you should do this." "Do that." Trying to be a good parent, I guess--because I don't think my mother was. And at the end of it, I realized I wanted to be a loving older sister. I didn't want to be in this role, and she didn't want me to be in that role. We basically started developing a trust, and I don't think my sister has really trusted either my mother or myself. Maybe we haven't been trustworthy, or I haven't been. Twenty-five years ago, I went off to college and that was that. You know, I was in my 20s, not really there for her.

I can't tell you how many days I designate to what's out there in the field of mental health, helping my sister. Trying to find out information--what is available, what is the right place, what has to happen, how do you get there? It's so overwhelming. And you kind of doubt yourself. Am I doing the right thing?

Basically I had to get support for myself in that process too, by getting into therapy. There have been times when I was so grateful that I had someone I could go talk to about this. And I needed something, not just (12-step groups like) Alanon, somebody who was really holding my hand through it, and encouraging me. And actually that's helped me be able to give reassurance back to my sister.

It's not like I gave up my life. I do make boundaries for myself. My sister is on her own journey to come to terms with her mental illness. And it's really been an incredible experience for me too. I've learned a lot about myself, and us--our dynamic. I saw that I could be the nurturing older sister that I want to be.

And maybe now I'm not so frightened, and a little more accepting that I don't know what's going to happen at the end of this--it's not about knowing the outcome, but each step of the way doing my best to support her.

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