This is a full transcript of an interview with Other Colors Host Barbara Rodgers.

Q: Did you have a sense of being different or did you feel you were different from everybody else?

A: I didn't feel I was, because in Deadwood I didn't have any contact really with anybody outside of the family so I didn't know. I wasn't really conscious of the fact that we were different, until I moved to Seattle. And then, that's when the world started to inform me about how I was different. And I wasn't sure, because we never talked about it in our household. My mother and father never brought up the problems that they were having as an interracial marriage, from the outside. It turns out that there was a lot of negative reaction to their being married. They held it together really well. But as kids now, in this generation probably, there's a lot more therapy and open discussions and family conferences or whatever, but as kids growing up in my generation we just didn't talk about it. So it was left to me as a child to figure out well, is it because I'm bad, is it something about me, cause I didn't even think that it was because we were mixed. It was just, something is wrong with me, that people are not liking me.

Q: That must have been kind of hurtful that you thought people didn't like you.

A: Yeah, it was really hard because I was racking my brain as a kid. What can I do? And that probably was good in some ways because it made me try harder to get good grades. My parents never told me to study. Never. Because I tried every possible... I remember in fourth or fifth grade I would beg the teacher to let me clean the blackboards because I thought maybe she would like me better, cause she hated me. And the more that I tried to get her to like me, the more she hated me, of course.

Q: Looking back on that now, you think she hated you because you were a mixed child?

A: Oh, absolutely. There's no other reason now. And I think there's still hate crimes based on simple racial hatred. Or religious hatred. And it's hard for me to comprehend, personally, but it exists. And it's stunning to me that people could hate each so viscerally, so deep down in their hearts and souls based on the fact that you were born a different color than them or a different religion than them. Stunning to me. But that happens.

Q: How did that hate come out in terms of the teachers and maybe even some of the students?

A: Ohhh. Oh, I could do no right. I could do perfect papers and she would find something wrong with them. My math papers. I would have the perfect, the right scores, the right answers, but she would find fault in the way that I found the answer. Or, cause I worked really hard on trying to do well. That was really hard. And I remember one time there was a student, this is in one of my shows too, but there was a student in the class who had been gone for a couple of weeks, and he sort of had a crush on me, too, and when he came back, he asked the teacher in front of everybody if he could have me catch him up. And she told him no. In front of everybody. And then she asked me if I could go out and get a drink of water from the fountain. She asked me if I was thirsty and the only time she ever did that was when she asked the retarded girl in class to leave the room to get a drink of water because then she would talk about her when she was gone. So when she said - Amy, do you need a drink of water? - I knew she was going to talk about me. It was stunning. And she used to tense up whenever I was around her.

Q: Did you...

A: Like if I got close to her, she'd go... [LAUGHTER]

Q: Did you leave that day? Did you go out?

A: Yeah, because you had to. I was eight. When you're a kid you don't realize that you have rights. That you have a right, that you're entitled. So now I spend a lot of time with kids because it's really important to me that children know that they have a right to be respected, at the very least.

Q: Did you cry when you went out of the room that day?

A: No. I hardly ever cried. I never cried in front of people. And it took me a long time to learn to cry. And maybe that's because of my family. Finns don't cry in front of people, [LAUGHTER] as well as the Japanese. So it was like one of those things. We didn't cry in our family. We hardly ever cried at home. If we got yelled at, if we cried it'd be worse. They yell at you more if you cried, so that wasn't part of my thing. I just walked out of the room and thought, gee, how can I fix this. [LAUGHTER] Cause that was all in my attitude. I thought how can I get over this barrier?

Q: How did you?

A: Well, I just kept going, and you know what, there's always light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I wouldn't have that teacher more than one year and then the next year I'd have a teacher who loved me. Not necessarily because I was multi-racial but maybe, who knows, what was affecting them. But that's why I knew that there was something wrong with some of the people, because I tried equally hard whenever I was doing something, in school particularly. And one year I'd get straight A's and then the next year I'd get nothing but C's.

Q: When all of this was happening, did you talk to your parents at all about being multi-racial? Did you talk to your parents about any of this? Or what were you thinking about your mother and father at this point?

A: I didn't think about any of that. I was horrified that my parents might find out that I was having trouble. I really wanted my parents to think that everything was fine. So I never brought these things up to Mom or Dad, just as they never brought up any of the problems they were having with us.

Q: But in Tokyo Bound you say something, I think, about blaming your mother for not fitting in.

A: That was a little later. Well, no actually, I think [LAUGHTER] I blamed them for not fitting in but not because they were married to each other but because they were both foreign, in my mind. Even though my dad was not foreign, he was freaky. Because he spoke Finnish, went to saunas, ate weird lutefisk and odd things that were in their refrigerator. My mother spoke with a Japanese accent, proudly. People were and they both were very involved. They'd come to the PTA meetings. Other parents, they were busy. But my parents would show up every week. If there was a teacher meeting or a PTA thing or whatever, they'd be there. My father was like scout master and I was in Campfire Girls or something and my mother would have the people come over. I just wished they were boring. I know it's a cliché, but everybody wanted their parents to be the Cleavers. My parents were so far from it. But I didn't ever put it together that they had married each other and that was taboo. I just wished that they weren't, both of them, independently bizarre. [LAUGHTER] Foreign.

Q: How old were you when you put it together and realized that it had something to do with the fact that they were of different races?

A: I think it wasn't until high school. In high school I met other parents, other people who came from multi-racial backgrounds, which was really quite good because often times their family situation was much more chaotic than mine. So that was the opportunity to talk about our situation. And that was really good.

Q: What were those conversations like with the other multi-racial...

A: Well, the conversations were... There was one girl that was very involved in the Japanese-American community and I remember she would take me to parties that were largely Japanese-American and they'd always refer to me as "half." - Oh, this is Amy. She's half. - And I remember growing up, people would ask you what are you, and I'd draw a line in the middle of my body and say this half is Japanese and this half is American, cause I knew that I was mixed. But I never put it together that that was a bad thing. [LAUGHTER] But the first time I felt unwelcome in the Japanese-American community, or other in the Japanese-American community, was in junior high/high school. Cause that was my first foray. Cause I thought, cause my elementary school was all white, so I remember thinking that maybe that would be the place for me to hang. That would be my community. And it turned out not to be my community. So I spent a lot of time with Patty, my other hapa friend.

Q: And hapa is?

A: Hapa is something that I started calling myself and I think it's sort of a political word now that we've appropriated from Hawaiian which is hapa-haole, which is half white, which was used for people that were mixed with Hawaiian and Caucasian. But now it's used sort of across the board for multi-racial Asian.

Q: Is that a positive term?

A: Yeah. And I think I liked using it because it sounded happy. Hapa. It's kind of cute, you know? Half seemed to diminish who you were because you're not whole, you're half, and then you get into all the things about you're really just too... It's very complicated. And I think everybody is a product of both parents and your upbringing and the people that you meet along the way in life. And we're all sort of unique in whatever way. And hapa is just a nice term for that little special unique multi-racial Asian thing. It's fun.

Q: So hapa helped you celebrate your diversity within yourself.

A: Yes. That was really wonderful. And so with her, Patty, that's where I learned to celebrate the diversity because we were like two against all of them. You know, we would like wander around together. And then we met, later on, these two hapa brothers that transferred in, I guess. And one was really gorgeous. Oh my god, he was so cute. John Williams. And his brother Charlie wasn't as cute, but really, really, really smart. And I remember Charlie told us about the gene pool thing, that because our gene pools were so far apart, having a Caucasian parent and an Asian parent, that were smarter and, you know, like smarter and better looking, more talented and we were actually like the superior race. [LAUGHTER] The future. So then we were all like, hmmm, we're special. [LAUGHTER] Now, I've moved beyond that, but it was something really great to have, to hold onto.

Q: It made you feel good.

A: It did. And at some I think in your development there is that time, I'm sure with everybody, that they have to feel good and better. And then, I think if you're intelligent, you realize that we're all special and we're all good, and you can sort of like ease back a little bit.

Q: Now you talked about thinking finally that you would fit in with the Japanese-Americans and finding out as a teenager that you really didn't, but then there was a time when you went to Japan. Did you feel when you got there that you fit in?

A: Well, you know what's great, sort of, in my upbringing, because I never felt I fit in, I didn't have any expectations going to Japan. I really wanted to go to France. But my mother said I could go to Japan and she'd pay and my dad said I could go to Finland and he'd pay. And of course, Finland seemed so obscure, so I went to Japan. And sort of against my wishes cause I thought Japan, you know, cause I never thought my mother was really cool or exotic or anything. I always thought she was just goofy. But it was fun to be someplace else, and I felt like I had the opportunity to sort of reform my personality, become a new person. [LAUGHTER] Cause I always thought growing up that if I somehow could pick all the traits of the really nice things that I see in people maybe I could. Cause I was always trying to be the person that everybody wanted to love and like and hang out with and cause I never felt that I was. So I thought I'd create this person. And it was my first opportunity to start with a new slate. Nobody knew me. So when I first got there I started acting like a Japanese person, as closely as possible. I learned Japanese really quickly. And I think I talk about it in my show, the women that I ran into I sort of like picked little bits of their personalities and tried to created this whole new persona, Amy Hu. [LAUGHTER] And during the course of my living there I really came to myself. I went through, I'm sure it happens wherever you go, it's probably just a matter of growing up, but I learned that I couldn't pretend to be somebody else and actually live that for very long. And I began to realize that I was American. There were aspects of me that I got from my mother that was Japanese. And I really felt fortunate that I got to know my mother. That she wasn't this goofball, crazy, strange, wacko, but she was in many ways, [LAUGHTER] cause she was never like Mrs. Livingston on "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" or anything like that. Cause there's lots of different women in Japan, and my mother was one of them. But the thing that was really special was, because I learned to speak Japanese, I started to read letters that she sent to me in Japanese, and it was like who's this woman? Who's this woman?

Q: What did she say in those letters?

A: She'd always start out... cause she writes letters just like a very well-brought up Japanese woman. So it starts out with the weather. Beautiful weather here. She tries to be a little poetic about that, and she'll talk about things that she's done around the city, and a little gossip. But it's much more insightful about her as a person. And I spent a lot of time talking with her growing up, but I never saw her as a woman, and that was the first time that it gave me insight into her as a person and a little bit of her private thoughts and her pain and her concerns, cause really, she was smart to send me to Japan. Who knew how bright she was? Although she would tell me every day, [LAUGHTER] which is funny to me now in retrospect because growing up she was like... I use my head. I'm not stupid. She would always say things like that cause I guess in some ways she was perceived as not too bright because of her language difficulties.

Q: You thought she wasn't very bright.

A: [LAUGHTER] Yeah.

Q: Does that hurt you now to think that you thought...

A: Oh. I tortured her. I would even bring people over sometimes and felt like she was sort of like a little performing animal. Mom say Phyllis Diller. [LAUGHTER] Cause people, later on, I would talk about my mother and they'd say your mother's not that funny and I'd say, oh, yeah, come on over. I'll have her say Phyllis Diller for you.

Q: How did she say it?

A: Phys Dis. She couldn't say it. Phys Dis...Phys Dis and people would laugh and laugh. So, you know, I sort of used that, later on.

Q: Then you got to know the other woman.

A: Yeah.

Q: That's kind of ironic that you had to go so far away, all those miles away...

A: Yeah.

Q: To become close.

A: Yeah. I mean, I think in many ways I also fell prey to the stereotypes that were presented to me on television and in films. You know, people, Japanese people, even though I lived with one, were exotic or just freaky like my mother. So it was nice to go to Japan and see Japanese people also, just like everybody. They're just regular folk. Some of the women are loud and crazy, and some are quiet and demure, and some speak their mind and some don't. Just like here. There's not such a big difference between people.

Q: Now in those letters you said also your mother talked about loving you which you had never heard her say before.

A: Exactly. And she only said it in letters. Because when I came back here she didn't say it anymore either. But growing up she never hugged me, never kissed me. Dad hugged every once in a while but Mom [LAUGHTER] never did any of that. Now I think back that the way she showed her love was feeding us, taking care of us, yelling at us, [LAUGHTER] to make sure we were on the straight path. But she never did that and in these letters she would say, she would always end with I love you. And I remember the first time, cause I'm looking at the character, I'm going - that looks like I love you [LAUGHTER]. I'm looking in the book, yeah, by golly, that's I love you. I couldn't believe it. It was very touching. But recently, which is what I love about my mother - and probably one of the things that has helped her survive the war, poverty, a lot of different things in I'm sure all of our mother's lives. They've had much more difficulty in their lives than we, I, have for sure - is her ability to sort of reinvent herself and shift herself. She is so current. She doesn't live in the past. She lives now. And she is able to, in many ways, shift how she operates and just... I'd say ten years ago she started hugging and kissing and saying I love you. It started out awkward. It could have been Phil Donahue, I don't know, one of them shows like Oprah or something, where she decided that this was not a bad thing to do. I remember being at the airport once and all of a sudden she goes, I duv you, like that. One of those, it wasn't like real sincere, but she had the words right. I duv you. [LAUGHTER] And now, she really means it, and you really feel her love. It's really wonderful. Every time we talk she's always like... I love you.

Q: Do you think the difficulty she had before had to do with what had happened with her other children? The children she had had before the war, and tell me that story about what happened with that.

A: Well, she married. It was sort of an arranged marriage with a very good family. And her with the guy, well it was sort of arranged but at the same time the man really was smitten with my mother because she was sort of a babe. [LAUGHTER] According to my mother as well. So his family wasn't that excited about the arrangement, but he was very happy. And then during the war, he went into the military and then was lost, was missing in action for several years and all of the anger that festered in that family was sort of focused on her. And so she lived, she was like a slave. She just took care of everything and the rationing that they had, all the food that was meant for the children, would go to the grandfather, her husband's father first. So they just really treated her badly and one of her children died as a result of malnutrition and lack of proper medical care because the mother-in-law said, you don't have to take the baby to the doctor. And it was something really simple. I think that it happens a lot in third world countries where it's just like a case of diarrhea. It was just a little case of diarrhea, and if she'd gone to the doctor it would have been taken care of.

Q: So do you think that experience with losing the child, with not being able to love her children in the way she would want to...

A: Well, it's...

Q: Had something to do with why she didn't say to you, I love you, when you were growing up and hug you?

A: I think there, there was probably some of that. I mean I never thought of that. That's really very insightful. Perhaps that might have been involved. The fear of losing children again.

Q: Um-huh.

A: Because she talked about her children in Japan the whole time growing up. It'd be ... my children in Japan, how old they would be, where they might be, what they might be doing. She really, really, really was sad. Because what happened was she left with the children and then she really had nowhere to go with the children and her brother forced her to send the children back. So she continued to work as a doctor's assistant and whatever kind of non-skilled professions she could handle and then she as working at the PX and met my dad. They fell in love. Got married. My brother was born in Japan and my father said we are going to find your children and we're going to get those children and then we're going to move to the states. And in the meantime this husband who was missing in action turns up. He's not dead. [LAUGHTER] So, that throws that out of left field. And he says, well, you're never going to get these kids, and what's more I think I'm going to kill you. [LAUGHTER] He really basically threatened my mother's life. And you can understand, the guy was in the war against, and my mother married, the enemy for christ’s sake. So, when he found out he was really, really mad. So my mother and father packed up and left. And my mother decided that maybe that was best for the children too. That they would have their life in Japan, and she would start a new life in America. But boy, that was rough on her. Really rough. But, also I think her generation culturally was not demonstrative that way.

Q: Where are those children now?

A: We've since made contact. I was married while I lived in Japan and my ex-mother-in-law found them for my mother. Cause my mother would come back and visit and we would get on a train and she'd still talk about them. There was always this feeling of she's looking around the corner to see if maybe she'd recognize her child. I'm sure you've heard these stories. One trip she was back, and Mrs., my ex-husband's mother, found them. And within a few days they were on a plane and they all met in Tokyo.

Q: Were you there for the reunion?

A: No, I was here. It was so weird. I got a call from my mother. I found my children! [LAUGHTER] What? And then, very quickly all these events happened. They came over here and visited and it was freaky to see them because they don't speak English. I mean, they're Japanese.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: They look... my half brother looks just like my brother. Shorter and skinny. Really skinny.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: And my half sister looks just like my mother. Freaky. So. And what's interesting, too, is they're so Japanese, they really look so Japanese. I mean, even more Japanese than my mother. My half sister is like the prototypical perfect wife. She came to visit and I remember watching her for six hours. We were sitting around talking. And she kept her hand like this the whole time... And I thought, man, it's like she's posing. She was always posing. [LAUGHTER] And my mother even took me aside. She goes... I don't know how she turned out that way! [LAUGHTER]

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: I can't believe my daughter acts like that!

Q: You say they were so Japanese. What did seeing them and meeting them do for you in terms of your identity, if anything? Or what did it do to your identity?

A: Boy, I felt American. That's for sure. You know, it didn't really affect my identity at all because when they were discovered I had pretty much formed my picture of who I was and how I fit in. I think it was more disturbing to my mother, I mean, my sister, my younger sister, to have them come, because well, particularly my younger sister cannot speak Japanese, at all. And it was more difficult for her.

Q: How does your sister, your siblings in America, how do they identify themselves? As American, white Finnish, Japanese, mixed, what?

A: Well, my brother, I don't know. We don't talk about this. We still... cause it's these old habits that have been set up. I'm, obviously, the one who's the most verbal, because I do these shows and interviews [LAUGHTER]. So I'm always asked questions about this thing, this multi-racial, multi-ethnic identity thing. My sister probably looks the least Asian of the three of us and would probably be less identified from the outside in that way. Cause I don't wake up in the morning thinking, ooh, I'm a multi-Asian, multi-racial Asian, ooh, I'm half. [LAUGHTER] I don't think that until the world sort of informs me that I look different or somebody says, gee, you know a good sushi restaurant or something, and I think oh, that's right. That's my identity because of that. So, I don't think my sister is that conscious of it, but she's the one who holds on. In terms of food? She's the one who holds on the most firmly to my father's cooking, cause my mother learned how to make Finnish flatbread. So my sister kept the cooking thing going with the Finnish food and the Japanese food. She knows how to. She does all the things that my mother cooked at home and my father sort of dabbled in. So she's in that thing. My brother, I think he is neither. I don't think he identifies Finnish or Japanese, really.

Q: So what would he mark if he was filling out the census form?

A: Oh. I think Caucasian, perhaps. I don't know. I think. I don't know. I don't think he identifies. And when I see him interacting with my mother sometimes I feel as though he sees her as foreign. It's odd. But I don't know.

Q: And your sister, what would she mark on the census form?

A: God, [LAUGHTER] doesn't that census form have multi-racial Asian on it yet? [LAUGHTER] Did we lobby for something like that? I guess not. Usually it was applications for other stuff.

Q: So what do you fill out?

A: I always filled out Caucasian and Asian.

Q: So you marked two categories.

A: Both, or if it had Japanese, Chinese, you know, sometimes they did have like... specific. They never had Laotian. Now they do probably. But you know, growing up it was just Japanese, Chinese. I think it was Japanese, Chinese and maybe Filipino, but I don't even think that was around. I would fill out the Japanese and Caucasian. Sometimes, I would mark other and then designate. [LAUGHTER]

Q: And what would you designate?

A: Japanese/Finnish. What's interesting is when I was doing Tokyo Bound, the Finns came in droves. Finns in L.A. came to see my show Tokyo Bound [LAUGHTER] because they read somewhere that I was Japanese/Finnish American, and there was a review that was sent to me that was in Finnish and it said: Amy Hill, Finnish Japanese-American, cause I guess I, in some subtle way, identify more Japanese than I do Finnish.

Q: Can you speak any Finnish?

A: I can count to ten. And I can say thank-you.

Q: And Hill is a nice old Finnish name?

A: It is.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: Translated. Our name, originally, my father's family name was Keltamaki, which means yellow hill in Finnish. And maki, they kept just the hill part.

Q: And then you just translated it into Hill.

A: Yeah.

Q: Did they call themselves Hill?

A: They changed it to Hill,

Q: O.K.

A: Yeah. And Maki.

Q: Let's go back to the census form. You said you never filled out one.

A: No!

Q: [LAUGHTER] So this time around...

A: ...never get one.

Q: You will be filling out one.

A: Well, if I get one. Aren't they supposed to come to your house? You have to go get one?

Q: You're supposed to get it in the mail.

A: Right. I've never gotten one in the mail. See, it's that subtle, we are invisible.

Q: When you say "we" meaning mixed race?

A: Asian Americans. Oh, I think mixed race. Well, maybe it's just because I have my own agenda but whenever I see mixed race discussion on television it's always black and white, and us Asians, multi-racial Asians go, what about us? [LAUGHTER] So it's really refreshing, lately, to have a discussion about, because you know, we're really facing the same issues. You know, the white culture looks at us and goes, huh? And the Asian culture also goes, hum. Although now the Asian culture is becoming a little bit more open to us. There are still people, especially in the Japanese-American community, that look at me askance...

Q: And that is because...

A: Because I'm, because I'm not pure.

Q: You think they can tell that just by looking?

A: Yes! Well, not always, but when I travel, when I lived in Japan, albeit I was thinner, but I passed for Japanese. People didn't go, what the hell are... people did not ask me what I was, as they do here, often. They just assumed I was Japanese. I spoke Japanese. They said my eyes were very bright, but they didn't say, gee, your eyes are freaky. They never, they didn't hesitate. And when I travel to China or Taiwan or Hong Kong people just think I'm overseas Chinese or whatever. Well, actually, because I'm multi-racial, people talk to me in Spanish too, because they think I'm Latina. [LAUGHTER] But it's been hard for the community here sometimes to accept children of mixed Asian heritage.

Q: Are we too hung up in this country about identity in terms of race?

A: I think it's a phase that we need to go through. It maybe parallels an individual's development when you're young because this country is still fairly young. When I was young I knew I felt other, and then as I grew older I became more strongly Japanese. And now I've gotten older, and I feel like I'm Amy, who has these components, and I feel very comfortable with all of the components. I'm not in the Japanese community. I don't not talk about Finnish stuff [LAUGHTER] or whatever. I feel like I am entitled to belong everywhere. And I think maybe in this society that we live in here that we're just going through a phase. That in order to feel our strength, which is not diminishing anybody else's strength, we'll move onto the next level where we will feel comfortable in our skin but not be obsessed with it at all.

Q: You have become, whether you set out to do that or not, a role model. Some people hate that term. How do you feel about being considered a role model for both Asian Americans and mixed race Americans?

A: Well, my idea of a role model is to reinvent what a role model is. Because I think as a child, a role model was somebody who was perfect and you aspired to perfection. And I think what I'd like to do is not have people aspire to imperfection but to embrace everything about them. To change the things that you can change and to accept the things that you can't. So, I just feel like I'm one person talking about my experience, and if that empowers anybody to feel better about themselves, that’s fine. But what is good about this point now in my life, I don't feel as though I have to meet anybody's expectations anymore. Oh, my god, that is such a great feeling. Cause growing up it was so hard to figure out what those expectations were. And every time I tried something new, I failed because it wasn't quite right. And I realize now that I'll never know what people's expectations are, and I can't fulfill them. So the best way that I'm fulfilling, whatever the role model ideal is, is to just feel great in my skin, and then hopefully other people will go, gee, well, that's an idea.

Q: How did you come to that?

A: [LAUGHTER] Just growing up. You know? Just growing up. And I see people that are so much younger than me so comfortable in their skin, and I think, god, how come it took me so long? And then I see people who are older who are still fighting and I feel sad.

Q: Maybe it's because you were constantly reinventing yourself so you didn't know which skin was yours.

A: Oh, god, I know. Of course, I decided to be an actress and that probably didn't help. But maybe it also helped, because in the investigating of other people I found that the more that I became comfortable with myself, the better actor I became.

Q: You were telling me earlier about a childhood friend that you had who has remained a friend and who is really sort of important in your life in terms of your acceptance - in terms of what we're talking about now - your acceptance of who you are. A blond-haired, blue-eyed little boy.

A: Yes. Bill. Bill Rice. He is my savior. [LAUGHTER] That is really remarkable, too, because at that age, when you're in first, second, third grade to have the strength to outwardly befriend somebody who is sort of other, an outcast, a weirdo, is really remarkable, and he did it wonderfully. And he made me feel that I was...

I think one of the hardest things, cause kids were not necessarily mean to me, but I did not exist for them. And that's the thing that is the most painful thing for children or just people. That's one of the dis-serving things when you look on television and you don't see people that resemble you. You then feel invisible. And I know I walk into a store sometimes, and they don't see me. Literally, it's like, they should bottle this for the CIA.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: Because nobody can see us. This is a good idea. And he made me feel visible. It was great.

Q: That is a wonderful gift to have given someone at the age of eight.

A: I know. And I've thanked him repeatedly. You know, he's such a great guy.

Q: As a child, when he befriended you, he obviously must have gotten some taunting from his friends.

A: I should ask. I never asked about that, but in many ways I just don't think he would have cared. There was something so good and pure about him. In fact, the whole time I knew him, even in high school, because we went through junior high... elementary, junior high and high school together. In high school even, I was by then a member of the theater department and I'd found... so I was sort of like an artist. I wore a cape and if I was living in this world now I'd probably be wearing goth make-up and... [LAUGHTER] So I had found my little band of freaks to roam with in school, even though I was still doing very well in school. And he still hung with me. We didn't hang out together, but he would always still be my friend. He's really a great guy.

Q: That's wonderful.

A: I know.

Q: Yeah. Now in high school, were you still not identifying yourself as any particular racial group or were you...?

A: Um, I think I...

Q: Were you calling yourself anything in terms of race, because I'm sure it came up at some point.

A: Well, it was more difficult in the day that I was in high school because we didn't have the term Asian American. It didn't exist. So it was harder to identify myself. I didn't say Japanese, Finnish, American...

Q: What did you say?

A: Nothing. I was other. [LAUGHTER] I was just plain other...

Q: So if someone came up...

A: And not even designated.

Q: If someone came up and asked you when you were in high school or junior high, what are you, your response was...

A: I would draw the line and say, right down, [LAUGHTER] basically I still felt half. I did not feel whole.

Q: That's not a fun thing to feel.

A: No. Nu-huh. I really, ah, it wasn't. So...

Q: Now you are thinking of adopting a multi-racial child.

A: You do know a lot. How did you find that one out?

Q: Oh...

A: You've got your sources.

Q: I have my sources. [LAUGHTER]

A: Cause I think that's not in Tokyo Bound.

Q: No. So tell me about that. How did you come to that decision?

A: Well, I always wanted to adopt. When I was a little kid I was one of those suckers for those stories on television the little children that were in foreign countries that were living on the streets or something, and the stories about children here who didn't have mothers and fathers and lived in foster care and bounced around from home to home. And I thought when I grow up I'm going to adopt, so these kids will have parents. Of course, in my mind I thought that I would have a husband and other kids that I had given birth to as well. That I was going to have a big family with lots of little kids. And, of course, my life is different than what I imagined. But in the last few years as I grew older, I realized that I don't have that much more time to mother a child. I thought about giving birth, but there are so many children that need a family, and I think the idea of family has changed so much that... and I've seen so many successful single mothers taking care of more than one child that I decided that I really could handle it. And there was never going to be the perfect time. I was thinking when I have a really steady job on a series, which... [LAUGHTER] They've all lasted a year and failed, but you never know. There's just no knowing when it's going to be perfect. I decided that now is the time for me to adopt. And when I decided that it was the time for me to adopt I thought the perfect child for me would be somebody that replicated my experience, because I feel like I have the tools to make that child feel good and whole... younger.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: They don't have to wait so long.

Q: So what will you do with this child that was not done with you as a child?

A: I would make a point of having them have other children around - a potpourri of children. A mix of children. It's sort of more natural now. I go past the schools... I was doing a children's pilot a couple of years back, and I spent some time at some nursery schools in the neighborhood and it was beautiful, it was wonderful. All kinds of kids running around. I'd just make a point of making sure that they saw that they weren't different. That they were special but they weren't different.

Q: And what will you identify or tell this child to identify him or herself as?

A: Oh, anyway they want. [LAUGHTER] I watch Tiger Woods when he, that big controversy where the communities wanted to appropriate him for their needs. Because all these communities really need to feel - just like the Finns in Los Angeles - they want to feel special and visible. And it was sad, when he said that he didn't identify African-American, and the community just said, you are so wrong. I mean, how can they tell him how he should identify? Well, being multi-racial, I thought, Whoa! [LAUGHTER] Because I've known people that are 100% Asian, who are raised in Kansas, who don't even know how to use chopsticks. I mean, they so don't identify Asian. Really, we've got to get beyond names and faces and the way you look and the way you talk, and everybody needs to accept how we feel. And that's something that I would give to the child, to make sure the child can feel that way. But also to be able to stand firm when the world outside says, nu-huh, nu-huh. That they can go, whatever! You think whatever you want to think, but I know who I am.

Q: What do you think about Tiger's characterization as a... and I can't even remember how he put it, but he put all of the names in there together.

A: But he... That was something, cause I remember the interview. It was on Oprah or something, and it was what he said he named himself when he was 15. So we all did - gave ourselves - like I wanted to call myself Jacqueline or something when I was 15. So it was just something he made up. And who knows what he's landed in now, but yeah, cause he wanted to acknowledge everything. And I guess at that age, maybe, he actually did identify with all of those things, but I know it would be hard to identify, he had like six or seven...

Q: It was a long. That's why I can't remember it. Yeah, it was a long name.

A: I'm so lucky, it's just two.

Q: Do you think there should be a generic term? I know we use mixed race, we use multi-ethnic, we use bi-racial...

A: Yeah.

Q: Do you think there should be a generic term for people who are of mixed race, or should it be , just keep it the way it is and just say mixed race?

A: No, well, I don't know. Mixed race, I guess mixed race always felt... it's almost like we have to reinvent a new word because there's so much baggage attached to the last word that was used. So. And maybe the movement will go forward, and then mixed race will become the new power word, you know.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: I don't know. I'm not comfortable using mixed race, cause somehow it harks back to mixed breed, which always seems sort of... like you're on the run. In and out of jail. A drunk on the side of the road. I don't know. There's something so negative attached to it, that there's no hope. In fact, when I was a kid I remember one of my mother's friends who was Japanese said that there really was no hope for us because we were mixed race children. That my mother should really not look forward to us attaining too much success in life. My mother was like... what does she know, she's Okinawan!

Q: [LAUGHTER] Everybody has something.

A: Yeah!

Q: Did you hear that as a child?

A: No. My mother didn't tell me that until I did the interviews. I was going to do a show about my mother. They didn't tell us these things, which is, I guess, good in some ways, but it didn't open up conversation then about our own fears and thoughts. I would definitely do a lot more talking to my child than my mother did. We talked about stuff, but we never talked about anything deep.

Q: Now when you were married... you were married?

A: Yes.

Q: And you were married to a Japanese man who said he was "pure Japanese." Is that correct?

A: Yes!

Q: You found out that wasn't quite the case.

A: No. That was such a weird thing to happen.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: So I met this guy, and I fell in love and there were pictures. We would look through family photo albums, and his uncle was black and I would say, you know, your uncle's black and he'd say, yeah, funny, huh? He's Japanese, though.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: And this is a guy who’s 20. And I'd go, hum, alright. So we'd just go, uh-huh, whatever. And I'd meet him, and he spoke perfect English. And I'd go, whatever. And I met his mother, and his mother was very olive skin, and she had long arms and long... I mean her body type was so not Japanese, and she had this beautiful aquiline nose and I just thought, she's kind of funny looking. I mean when you're mixed race, I can spot another person of mixed race, well of mixed Japanese or mixed Asian heritage, totally. Everybody else can look at them and go, oh, she's Latina or she's white or whatever, but I'm like nu-uh, she's one of my people.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: I can tell. And I swear, I had that feeling about his mother. I thought, she's one of me, one of my people. But you just kind of throw that out of your head. And I felt this bond with her. And during the course of, how many years we were dating, we finally came to getting married, and we had to get the family register papers and stuff and his mother said, okay, here's the deal. [LAUGHTER] Sat us all down and said, okay, you know...

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: I told you all when you were growing up that I was Japanese. Well, I didn't tell you everything. And she pulled out all these pictures. It was all underneath the bed. All these pictures of her when she was a little kid, and there's a picture of her and her brother dressed in all this western, fancy get-up stuff with jewelry and with fancy old Ford T-Bird or something, in India. And there's the dad, all Indian. Very Indian and the mother, all Japanese, and my ex-husband was floored. And there are three boys in the family. The boys were stunned. I can imagine growing up, the whole time she kept the secret, and one of the reasons they kept the secret was because of the stigma in Japanese society. But man, I thought, the pain, how hard it must have been for her to have to lie to her children. Because the kids, you look at them now and you go, oh, that's why they were all a little funny looking. I mean they were cute, but they were a little funny looking. And they would get teased at school, you know... you look, oh, you're mixed or whatever. And they'd say... and they'd come home crying and the mother would say, oh don't worry, you're Japanese. So they really believed it. And I did too, even when I looked at the uncle. And the funny thing is - this is how non-verbal people are in Japan - when we brought this up with their cousins who are the children of the uncle they were all like, oh, we knew. We knew, we always knew. You didn't know!?! [LAUGHTER] It's like, didn't you ever talk?

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: That is just stunning to me.

Q: I think I have to get a little tissue!!! [LAUGHTER]

A: [LAUGHTER]

Q: That is so funny! [LAUGHTER] And you're looking at the pictures. That is so funny because I've had that experience of somebody's like, wait a minute, mom, isn't she white?

A: [LAUGHTER]

Q: You know, you're looking at these old pictures and, you know, Aunt Mae, isn't she like... No, no honey, she's black...

A: Well, that's what's fascinating...

Q: She's black. She is so white.

A: About that mixed...

Q: I know.

A: Mixed African-American thing. There were people in the same family... And here's all these white folks from the South going... And there's Uncle Leo, well, you know, he has a suntan but he's never really white.

Q: [LAUGHTER] I know. This is so funny. Because I remember this when you get to the picture box and you're looking at those old family pictures and I remember Aunt Mae and Uncle Velt.

A: Were they white?

Q: Is there still that kind of feeling in Hollywood that people want to "pass" in order to succeed?

A: I don't know if necessarily people are consciously passing, but I know that, for example, when I first moved to Hollywood and started coming up against the Hollywood system, I realized that my looks were really coming under scrutiny. I would go up for Asian roles, and they would always say I didn't look Asian enough. I could be sitting in the waiting room coaching the rest of the women in Japanese - or even Japanese accents - and they'd walk in and say, oh, you don't look Asian. I used to live in Japan and nobody else had a problem. And it was always a non-Asian who said that I didn't look Asian enough. And I know with African American actors it's the same thing. There must be some book somewhere that says this is what Asian looks like, and this is what black looks like, because it happens again and again. African American actors go in and say I don't talk black enough or act black enough. I remember auditioning for a play and this woman who was actually from Japan, this is something that I didn't agree with anyway, but they wanted all of us to do Japanese accents. The woman who's from Japan went in and auditioned and they told her she needed to have a stronger Japanese accent. And this woman's got a Japanese accent. So, it's an odd thing, Hollywood. They really have a lot of trouble accepting the variations on a theme. Maybe things will change. I don't go in saying, identifying, I'm Japanese this or whatever. I just go in to audition for a part. So there are people like Jennifer Tilly and Meg Tilly, they're both half-Chinese, but they are not perceived that way. But it's not like they were trying to pass; they were not raised in anyway by their father. I think he separated from the mother many, many years before they really came to any kind of identity. So they just didn't identify that way. When they went to Hollywood, people perceived them one way; they just went with that, and now I don't think they're passing, but they are in some fashion.

Q: When people are "passing" there seems to be among those who are "pure," a feeling that you're denying us, you're betraying us, or you're cheating us out of a star, so to speak.

A: Yeah, I think in many ways the community just feels so diminished, so invisible that they would like to appropriate some of that brilliance. It sort of makes sense, but sometimes there's criticism about certain people. That they don't give back to the community, but, you know, the community wasn't really part of their lives. So if they don't feel comfortable identifying that way, then it's certainly not their business to try to be phony about it. There's a Japanese-American DJ in Los Angeles. Oh, god, I can't remember his name now, but he was the host of an all black radio station. And there was all this controversy because they thought that he was passing as black because he talked this certain way. But you know, that's how he was raised. He was raised in this community, and that was the normal way for him to speak. I remember in Seattle we called them Black Japs. [LAUGHTER] Lovely term. But they would walk that way. They were raised alongside, and in Los Angeles, too, those communities were so close to each other. So sometimes, you know, there would be a feeling that the African American identity was being appropriated by the Asian Americans, and sometimes it probably was because they didn't feel like they had any identity so they might as well take the one that's cool...

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: And then, you know, move with it. It's very interesting. Identity's so complex.

Q: Very complex.

A: And I think, as I said before, it's going to be great when we get to the point where we just let people be the way they want to be. And identify the way they want to be. As long as they feel good, in their skin. But, we're so judgmental.

Q: Are we closer to letting people be the way they want to be than we were when you were growing up as a little kid, or are we farther away?

A: No, I think we are closer. But I think maybe the poles, the extremes, have maybe gotten farther apart.

Q: I want to go back to your marriage. You said you fell in love with a man in Japan.

A: Yes.

Q: Who was, you thought, Japanese and turned out to be a mixed race person like yourself. So it was sort of like, I don't know whether you instinctively gravitated towards someone who was more like yourself?

A: Well, he was cute. [LAUGHTER] But he didn't identify as mixed race at all.

Q: So in romance, do you have a preference? Do you say to yourself, I need to find a mixed race person, a Japanese person, a white person, or do you just say, whoever I meet and fall in love with is who I meet and fall in love with?

A: I tend to gravitate to people of color. And it's whatever color. [LAUGHTER] I don't know. I think maybe it's a gravitational pull towards feeling, growing up on the outside looking in. I think there's sort of a comfort level that I know that people cannot necessarily understand if they grew up on the inside looking out, being in the middle of the party, maybe being the party thrower. [LAUGHTER] Cause there's always, I think, going to be a part of me, a little, it gets smaller and smaller and maybe not as consequential, but there's always a part of me that feels like somebody's going to turn and say, you know, you don't belong , and that I'm going to have to leave. And I would love to be with somebody who can understand that feeling. And I don't know, I think if you grow up other, there's probably always that little tiny part of your brain that thinks, hum. Cause, you know, you are reminded of it, no matter how strong you get, still.

Q: You can remember when it wasn't such a little part?

A: Oh, it was like my whole being was, you know, that's when I was pretending to be other people because I kept hoping that maybe this one is the one that they'll say, yes, yes, you can stay. But now I'm not being those other people and what's interesting is when people - when I did Tokyo Bound, because that was really the first time that I was uncovering me in every way - and when people responded positively it was so earth shattering, so shifting my sensibility because I thought this is the opportunity for everybody to go, okay, you don't belong. Bail out of here. [LAUGHTER]

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: You know?

Q: But they didn't.

A: No, it went the other way! People were like, come on in, we love you. It was so fascinating.

Q: Was it scary, though, to reveal the things that you had thought about your mother, growing up, how you had felt about yourself?

A: Yeah, it was terrifying. I thought I was, I literally, the feeling of, and I say this all the time, it's really hard to put into words... the feeling of actually going to... being in the position of dying. The feeling of standing on that stage and thinking that I'm just going to implode or die, just... die, standing there. Because I thought, just before the lights come up, I'm thinking okay, I'm going to be judged on me and my life, my acting, my writing. I can't handle this. Lights come up. Oh, too late. La-la-la-la-la. To do the show. And at the end I say, but the show's over? And people stood and applauded and I thought, oh, okay, I guess this is okay. But, well, this is just this audience. And then every time I did it and every place I did it, which would be a new place, a new audience that could reject me, it was the same. And so it took like five years of doing the show around the country and in Canada, in front of all kinds of different audiences, that made me think, oh, oh, okay. We're not so different. I think it opened my mind, too, in many ways, of embracing people. Because I think I was coming from a position of such fear of bring rejected that I did not open myself up to people.

Q: As you now prepare for another show and are already in workshops with "From Deadwood to Hollywood"... has that fear gone away?

A: No. [LAUGHTER] I mean, it's a different fear. Because now I'm doing a show that is as close to stand-up, I guess, as I may ever get, and it's not as, well, no, it still is sort of... exposing a lot of myself that I don't normally expose but... [LAUGHTER] you know, I don't know. Maybe it's what keeps me going. What sort of keeps me trying to challenge myself is the feeling that, okay, this time is the time that they're going to say, oh. And actually in this show is the first time, I think, that people actually do say, oh. Which is not a comfortable thing, but I'm trying to move through it.

Q: They're saying, oh, because of what?

A: Because I think I say things that are really shocking and I think they're going to laugh but they go, ewww.

Q: Give me an example.

A: Well... I don't know if my mother knows this story, but anyway, when I was a kid, when I was like eight, I know I was a little bit hostile about these things because I didn't have a chance to talk about them or anything, but I had this girlfriend who lived on the next street over, and she was, the family was, kind of poor, and they were actually poorer than we were. And they had, they lived in this really rundown shack of a house and eight kids, and they had, instead of a dog, they had this goose that would attack you and bite you [LAUGHTER] when you approached the house. It's a very Seattle thing, I guess. But you know, a very, bad family. Anyway, I went over to play one day, and in those days you didn't lock the door. And nobody was home so I went in. I was like, oooo, nobody's here. And then I went over to the refrigerator for the heck of it, I guess cause you did those things. You know, what's in the refrigerator? Not that I was going to eat anything, but I opened it up and I guess I was inspired by a carton of eggs and took them out and I like tossed them around the house. I know. And so the audience usually does this... [LAUGHTER] And of course, I laugh, now. I don't know why I did it. I was just a kid. It was just an odd, odd thing that's seared in my memory now, and I would love to be able to apologize. What's weird is nobody said anything about it. Nobody. I saw her the next day and I didn't say, gee, did you notice the eggs? [LAUGHTER] I didn't say anything. She didn't say nothing. But I can imagine how painful it must have been for them to come home to see this mess in their house. Boy, I was bad. I was a bad girl. And I remember I felt no guilt. As I walked out the door I turned back and I looked at my handiwork and thought, well done.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: And walked out the door.

Q: Do you know now why you did that?

A: Well I think, I was really angry. Not at them. Oh, definitely not at them. But there was a safety because they were on the next rung down from me. There was a safety in trashing them, anonymously, because I didn't want to get in trouble. That made me feel good, and I can understand, just like when, you know, the riots in Los Angeles? I saw all of these people breaking things and stealing stuff and instead of saying that's bad, I actually was like, oh, that looks like fun. And that was the time, so the third show I wrote was sort of exploring my childhood and the hostility and anger that I, at that point, obviously still harbored. So all of my shows have been really, except maybe I'll find out why I'm doing this show now, but they've all been as a result of a question I ask myself. Why am I watching these people rioting and feeling excited and good, and thinking gee, I wonder if I could get there in time [LAUGHTER] to enjoy myself as well?

Q: To get a TV set.

A: Well it wasn't like, I didn't want anything. I just thought that breaking things seemed like a lot of fun. Running.

Q: Now that hostility, that anger that you felt as a child, do you know now where it was coming from?

A: Yeah, it was consistently feeling less than, I mean, maybe it was the same time that teacher was shuddering whenever I walked near her. I mean the anger that I felt must have been huge and not communicated to anybody. There was no way to communicate it. I could certainly not tell my partners. So now when I see children acting out in really... I mean, thank god I didn't have access to a gun.

I can understand what happens to children and how they act out and they don't have any well-thought out scheme. They're just angry, and they don't know how to let it out.

Q: Is it amazing to you that your husband's mother, who had hidden her identity all those years, even your own mother and father who in some ways lived with the hostility that they got from the outside without ever really talking about it openly, is it amazing to you that they did not become violent?

A: Yeah! Well, they talked a lot. My brother, I mean, my brother and my sister, well, my sister went the other way. My sister is the social worker kind of person. She became very religious. [LAUGHTER] My brother has sort of, you know, now he's going through a lot of those Life Spring, EST kind of things, and last summer he told me that he had taken a workshop and he had gotten in touch with a lot of his anger. [LAUGHTER]

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: So, it's very good. It was very funny sitting with him - you know, Amy, I just finished a three day workshop...

Q: Did he say what his anger was about?

A: Yeah, he said that he finally had a conversation with Dad, who's been dead for 15 years or something [LAUGHTER]. But he's finally had a conversation with Dad. I guess it was like an exercise or something, and there was a lot of anger. I think that it's just that the ordinary stuff, he and my father... maybe with all sons and fathers, there's more issues going on because my father had a lot of expectations for him and it seems that my brother and he could not get along. It's very sad. And when my father passed away my brother really... my brother didn't cry. In fact my brother dallied in Los Angeles before flying up. My father was still alive in ICU and my brother went to work and finished up some stuff and then caught a plane. I was at LAX waiting for the first flight out. My brother was like, hum, hum hum. Very interesting. He was really in a lot of denial about his relationship with Dad. So it's good he's going through these things. But we're all, my sister and I are really close. My brother has really taken his own path and I think he is on his own journey to finding who he is, and in many ways I think he would like all of us to give him approval. It doesn't happen very easily. And part of me feels like it's real. Approval's really wonderful, but you need to just find it in yourself to love yourself. I mean, I can't validate you. I can love you, but I can't say, this is good, and then that's good. You really have to find it yourself. That was what my feeling was.

Q: We were talking about identity and this whole concept of being half this and half that. Did you resent the fact that you had to chose an identity because so often, even now, but especially when you were growing up, you were almost forced into identifying yourself as one thing or the other?

A: Well, I must say that as a child, as a very young child, I was never accepted by either so I didn't have to chose. But what was difficult was in my twenties, when there was more of a political movement, I felt as though when I was in the Japanese-American or the Asian American community there was so much negative attitude towards the Caucasian community, mainstream, that I had to negate the fact that my father was white. So I always felt really uncomfortable. And that felt like I was having to choose, having to ignore that part of me. And I think it still exists now. I really believe that just naturally people, if I'm in the Asian American community doing something community-wise, that they do not acknowledge that other part of me.

Q: Did you ever wish to be all Japanese or all Finnish, all white, plain white, anything like that?

A: I didn't want to be all Finnish, either. As I said before, my father's culture seemed quite odd as well. So yeah, when I was very young I wished that I was just blonde and blue-eyed, you know, that's what seemed to be the most popular thing going. If I could just be a Linda Sheraton. [LAUGHTER] She looked like Catherine Deneuve to me. My best friend in elementary school. Of course, she was very disturbed as well. A very dysfunctional family, but she was beautiful. And, of course, my image of beauty, because of magazines and television, was not Asian or any kind of person of color. It was blond, blue-eyed, thin lipped. I also wanted to have thin lips and an upturned nose. I remember when I was really young that I used to smile like this so it looked like my lips were thinner. I can still do it. And I'd sit in class, and I'd listen to people, the teacher cause I wanted my nose to go up, I'd actually sit like this [LAUGHTER]. And I still have like a crease in my nose from sitting like this. My teacher must have thought what is up with that girl?

Q: Now, during this time you had a friend named Bill. Tell me about Bill.

A: Ah, Bill. Bill. His family went to the same church as we did, and when our family moved to this neighborhood where I went to an all-white school, elementary school, Bill also went to that school, and my family and his family were very close, from church. And I remember when I went to the first day of class I was so terrified because I really was aware of being different. I, we were different because I was raised in Deadwood, and I wasn't really comfortable with kids, period, because I didn't have any friends to play with growing up in Deadwood. It was like pigs and horses and stuff. My own fantasy friends. And he made me feel really safe when people ignored me, and I think I said this before, that I really felt as though I didn't belong, and he made a point of making people know that he accepted me. And because he had so much stature. He was like the alpha dog.

Q: [LAUGHTER]

Q: Explain that. What does that mean?

A: The alpha dog, cause I have dogs. And I think in any animal group there's the alpha male, and he was the guy that everybody sort of looked up to. He was like the leader.

Q: What was he like? Describe him?

A: He was really, from a child, he was so self-assured. Self-assured and sensitive and caring and really smart.

Q: And blond.

A: And blond and blue-eyed. Exactly. So they all looked up to him. And his parents were really involved with the school, too. So in some way, in that society, that little school society, his parents were up there in the rankings of whatever. And so he was like the alpha dog. And when I came in, the new wolf, the new outside of the pack person, everybody else was ignoring me or nipping at me and he accepted me. So they all had to sort of grudgingly accept me. And it just saved my life. All through school. I knew him from junior high, from elementary school, junior high and high school. And he was always there. Through all my permutations of whatever, he was always there to say, hey what's up, how you doing? Always with a smile. He's a wonderful guy. And we're still friends.

Q: How much to do you think your being a mixed race person, and I know you said you don't like that term...

A: Yeah.

Q: How much do you think that influenced your career choice?

A: I don't know. I think that we're all born with whatever gifts that we have, and I think I was fortunate to know that I wanted to do this always. I don't have a memory of not wanting to be an actor but, I always wanted to tell stories and be other people. [LAUGHTER] So I'm following that dream. I think what was difficult was not seeing anybody who looked like me doing any of these things. And particularly my family was not involved in the arts in anyway. So I thought that I would have to just do it on my front porch for the Italians across the street. Just make up stuff in my own little fantasy world and that I would find a real job... a teacher or a nurse or something like that. But, fortunately, I followed my dream and it's proved to be okay. I know that it's been difficult because I think I break all of the... but I think if you really just be the best person that you could possibly be that it works out in the end. Because I don't look right for Hollywood and I don't necessarily act in a certain way that I think would be a successful way to act... [LAUGHTER] I don't know what the rules are, but I didn't know them so fortunately I didn't follow any of them , and I just followed my dream. Studied really hard, worked really hard and then became somewhat successful. And, in some ways I know that when I first went to the Asian American Theater Company here in San Francisco, I remember one Asian American actor said that he thought I would be successful because I could pass.

Q: For?

A: White. His perception was he was stigmatized because he was Asian and I remember feeling the opposite as well. That because I didn't look Asian enough, that I wasn't going to be getting the parts that were Asian. And I, frankly, I know I've played a variety of things, but I must say that I am uncomfortable playing other people of color. If somebody asks me to play an African American, I would not feel comfortable doing that.

Q: But you played a Nicaraguan.

A: I did. And that was really a shock. I did an open casting thing where I just did a little audition and the casting director assumed I was Latina. So my agent called and said this casting director would like to see you, and I went into the audition and it was for a Nicaraguan nun. And I thought, what am I going to do? I can't tell him. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Cause this was when I was really young. I didn't know how to handle all this. So I thought well, I'll just do this, and he'll say that was horrible, go home. And he was like, fabulous, and I got cast. So there is a part of me that just wants to work. And then the other part of me that felt very uncomfortable because in a political sense I didn't want to take a job away from a Latina actress. Although I felt that I did a reasonable approximation of a Nicaraguan because I dated a Nicaraguan for three years. I sort of used his friends as role models. His women friends. But I didn't want to use a very strong accent. I felt so uncomfortable and of course, on the set there was a Latina actress who was playing the love interest, and she and I shared a dressing room and she, from the first day, assumed I was Latina and talked to me about our men. [LAUGHTER]

Q: [LAUGHTER]

A: And I kept going oh, um-huh. Being very vague. And then when I get to the set the extras would say, you know, talk to me... Como estas? And I'd say fine. And the regulars on the set were pointing out signs cause we were in Nicaragua - this little island off the coast - and say, what do those signs say? I'd studied Spanish in high school so I could read them. So I'd say "no smoking" and "exit."

Q: [LAUGHTER] You never told them?

A: No, I didn't know how to tell people. And finally the last day of shooting, I was sitting in the dressing room with the Latina actress, and she said, it's a good thing we had the Spanish speaking market to tap into. And I said, well, I really don't speak Spanish fluently. And she was like, you don't? I said, no. And she was like, didn't your parents speak Spanish at home? Oh, my god.

Q: Oh, god.

A: No. My mother's Japanese and my father's Finnish American and she just fell out. [LAUGHTER] Oh, God. It was so hard. So I never really want to have that experience again. Right now, though, I just finished doing a pilot for the WB, and I'm playing Captain Lopez. It was written for a Latina but, this happens all the time, they write for Asian or whatever, and they just will cast a person of color. They really don't care necessarily what person, because that's just the designated person of color in the show. So, that wasn't necessarily the case. But they were writing this character, and I got the part and the producer said, well, we should change it. And I said the face of Asian America has changed so much. My name is Amy Hill and I have friends from Hong Kong whose last name is Garcia. We're all mixed up and inter-married and who's to say Lopez is Latina? Let's just leave it. And he's like... we're going to get a lot of letters. And I said, just send the letters to me. I can handle it. I'm ready to handle that.

Q: Does that say then that everything is getting much better in terms of interracial marriages and all of these kinds of things?

A: I don't know if Hollywood is ready for interracial marriages, although you know what's interesting, often times they're more accepting of a white man/Asian woman because of, I don't know. It's like Asian is the other white, [LAUGHTER] like the other white meat? I don't want to say that exactly. But in some ways it appears that Asian, and sometimes Asian Americans themselves, perceive their own identity as the other white. But that's a whole other story. But I don't find, cause Hollywood is so wanting to pigeonhole you, that they're really opening up to all the possibilities yet. That one has to come in and shake it up a little bit or raise those questions. So it was really great to have the opportunity to say... look all Lopez's are not whatever you think they are. They can be anything.

Q: Is Hollywood ahead of or behind the society in general when it comes to attitudes to race and about mixed race people and about interracial relationships?

A: Oh, I think definitely they're behind. They're way behind. [LAUGHTER] I was thinking about this the other day because this new slate of shows was almost blinding white that it might have been a reaction because for a while there was a lot of stuff going on. It seemed like there was a lot of stuff percolating. Creative juices happening with multi-racial casts, and we had an Asian American series and there were some dramas that were based in African American homes. Cause that's rare, still. And then it all went away. And there's been more of a political vocal movement, and it was so odd to see that happen this year with the shows. So, I don't have that much hope for Hollywood. But I have a lot of hope for the talent, and I think that the people that have passion and talent and fearlessness are just going to keep moving forward, and things are going to change even if the powers that be don't foresee it. It will.

Q: But doesn't Hollywood sort of set the pace or give us the idea that this is what we can do or this is acceptable? Or don't they sort of put the image out there that the culture in general will begin to gravitate around... or do you not believe that's what happens?

A: Hum. I think they might. Maybe they set the pace, but I think there's a reaction from, particularly this last season, I think it wasn't just from the community, the minorities communities. It was from across the board. People were saying that's not my world that's being reflected, and that's something that I think is special to see that just in general the population is sort of fed up with the stuff that Hollywood has been putting out to us. And it is amazing to me that again and again the independent films or the smaller quirky things that come up on the tinier, you know, like the WB or all these other networks, are the things, the risk- taking ventures that are different, are the ones that rise to the surface. And even though that happens, they go back and they keep doing the formulas.

Q: You've talked about some challenges of growing up as a person who is half one thing and half something else...

A: Um-huh.

Q: If you had to say what is the biggest challenge - what has been the biggest challenge?

A: The biggest challenge has been, I guess, explaining myself to people. It's really been good, though. It's been a challenge, but then again all these challenges inform us. If I didn't have to explain myself all the time I would never think about any of these things. Maybe. So, it's always an opportunity to rethink again, cause there's always a new question. Oh, there's a lot of the same questions, but there's always some new questions that you go, huh? That's an odd one. I never thought about that. And that's a new one. Yeah. The explaining of myself. I don't know who has to explain themselves as much as people who are multi-racial.

Q: And the biggest benefit?

A: I don't know if it's different than anybody else but, the biggest benefit is... I don't know. I don't think it's different than anybody else. We are the sum of our parts. All of us. I think it's embracing all of those things that make us who we are and we all do that.

Q: It's interesting because I did not grow up as a mixed race person, but just some of the things that you talked about I could really identify. I mean there was a lot of resonance for me growing up in the South as a black kid during segregation, so...

A: You know, it's all...

Q: It's being different than wherever you are...

A: Yeah, and it's amazing to me that I can sit and tell this story and a blond blue-eyed girl will come up to me and say I felt different, too. And I'd be like, oh, you!?! So, you know, we all have our own... My pain or my confusion or feelings are really no bigger or smaller than anybody else's. And I think once we sort of learn to not fear each other or not feel like we don't understand each other we can really, we could accomplish a lot in this country.

Q: You, speaking of that, though, you've traveled all over the world...

A: Right.

Q: Are things better here in the Bay Area than any place else in the world in terms of the acceptance of people who are different?

A: I don't think it really is different cause people are the same everywhere in the world and everybody, every country, every culture has their own little weird things about other people. I guess people just have to feel, unless they're really evolved, they can't feel good about themselves unless they feel better than somebody else. And I don't know how we can heal that.

Q: You did talk though about when you were in Japan how people didn't come up and ask you, what are you, like they do in this country.

A: No. Because it's a mono-cultural country they just assume everybody's... [LAUGHTER] Maybe if they had like a blond, blue-eyed person they'd go... you aren't Japanese? I just thought you were a really white Japanese. [LAUGHTER] Who knows. Yeah, it's funny. When I went to Hawaii I thought... I wish I was born there cause that place is so multi-racial Asian in my mind. And then I talked to people there, growing up, and they said, no, they still had the same little weird things going on. If they were mixed Japanese/Chinese or if they were mixed Hawaiian - if they had Hawaiian blood - it wasn't as good as this. It's the same thing everywhere.

Q: So the moral of this story is...?

A: Ooh, the moral of this story is... [LAUGHTER] I don't want to say a cliché, but you know, you just got to, the more you love yourself the more you can learn to love everybody else.

Q: And you found that to be true?

A: Yes. And it's not easy. It's interesting how, it's not the first choice you make.