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| Bay Window : With Eyes Open: Profiles |
The Suen Family's Choice: "We're Put in the Position of Playing God"
Ron and Diana Suens's 76-year old uncle had been in good health–until he suffered a sudden, debilitating stroke. Ron, Diana and the rest of the Suen family had to decide: do they send their uncle to a nursing home? Or, do they order all medical treatment stopped and allow their uncle to die?
The Suens did not know which choice their uncle would want them to make; he had never told them how he wanted to die.
Cultural barriers contributed to the family's inability to discuss what to do in this kind of situation. "He's our elder, and we’re Chinese; you don't talk about someone passing away. It's just something you don't do. It goes against all cultural mores as far as we're concerned," says Diana.
The family discovered that Medicare would cover 100 days in a nursing home, giving them time to deliberate which life decision to make for their uncle. With his body hydrated yet his skin looking healthier, the family was not sure how to tell if their uncle was a patient in the process of healing, or dying. But the decision got even more complicated in the nursing home, since their uncle's body appeared to be rehabilitating even though he had not regained consciousness.
The Suens' story is told on the "Difficult Decisions" episode of With Eyes Open airing Monday, September 11 at 10:30 p.m. (check local listings).
Barbara Joan Tiger Bass: "The Work is Letting Go"
Barbara and Larry met in Tai Chi class, fell in love and were together for 14 years. People called Larry the "Miracle Man," since he was a tai chi instructor struggling with cancer as well as a bassoonist who performed even while undergoing methadone treatments for his illness. Throughout their relationship, Barbara was a caregiver to Larry, since he was diagnosed as a young man with fourth stage Hodgkin's Lymphoma and fought the disease his entire life. Larry died in May 2000, a month before Barbara participated in the taping of With Eyes Open.
"Larry was a warrior in every sense of the word, both spiritual and physical," his wife says. He battled with his disease, battled with the medical establishment—and sometimes even with Barbara. She generously shares her story of the challenges faced while trying to take care of someone who wanted more than anything to remain strong and self-sufficient.
Barbara recalls a time when Larry was so irradiated from his treatments that he developed lymphedema, a painful swelling in his legs. To reduce the swelling, Barbara had to wrap his legs daily. Doing the wraps just right was "a really good way to start a big fight everyday," she says. She tried her best to help Larry through these experiences as a caregiver, companion, lover and friend, but it was hard work on a lot of levels. To top things off, Barbara also had a new baby to care for.
She credits open communication with Larry, support from friends and weekly psychotherapy sessions with helping her through the difficult times. She knows that all married couples go through a lot of the same struggles she and Larry did. The real work in their case, according to Barbara, was the work of letting go. The hardest thing was realizing that as deeply as she loved Larry, she was not going to be able to see him again after he died. So she had to learn quickly how to live in the "now" and enjoy him in the present, despite the challenges of being a caregiver.
Barbara tells her story in the "Caregiving" episode of With Eyes Open airing Tuesday, September 12 at 10:30 p.m. (check local listings).
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