Martin: Ms. Renner, how traumatic can an incident like this be for a child, even if it happens miles away?

 

Renner: It's a great question, and I just want to send out my prayers and love to everyone who's really suffering today. And I wanted to talk about this, because when children hear about an event as horrific as this, they often feel frightend. And they look at their own lives, and they think about whether they feel safe or not. It depends, also, on the age and the sensitivity of a child. So it really does vary, but I think as parents, as teachers, as neighbors, we really do have to take it seriously and be mindful about how we approach this. 

 

Martin: So how do we lessen the trauma for children?

 

Renner: The first thing, always, I think, is to turn the TV off. I feel very strongly that unless it's an older child and there's a reason to watch something on TV that's so traumatic, it's very important for children not to see the events unfold. I think it's very important not to have the TV on. I think it's imortant not to bring this up for children who don't know about it. 

 

Martin: So, for children who do have questions and do know about this, how do you talk about it? 

 

Renner: Well, the key is that the parent, the adult, the teacher sets the tone. So, the first thing is for adults to take a breath, find out what a child already knows. And then I think it's very important to be able to say to a child, "I," or, "Mommy and Daddy," or whoever the adults are, "We will do everything we can to keep you safe. We work hard at that; that's our job." And then to be able to ask, "Are there any ways in which you don't feel safe?" So, in a sense, you're using this horrific event as an opening.

 

Martin: And if your child is afraid to return to school, after this, how do you handle that? 

 

Renner: Well I think the first step is to really hear them. Don't get into that trap of, "Oh, come on now, you'll be fine." You really need to listen. You really need to find out what they're worried about, and then to explore with them: "What would help you feel safer?" 

 

Martin: And, as we've mentioned, this incident is rattling adults as well, especially those who have children. In fact, we saw president Obama, father of two girls, today, fighting back tears as he addressed the nation about the tragedy. How can adults deal with those emotions without upsetting their children?      

 

Renner: Well, I think our president did an amazing job of showing his humanity. And he's not afraid to cry; I think that men are raised often not to feel like they can cry, so I just admire him for that. And I think when the children aren't around, it's important to talk to other adults -- talk about how you're feeling. It's okay to cry in front of your children, but try and manage your emotions so that it doesn't frighten them. And, I think, at the core of all parents, is the desire to keep our children safe. And the other thing is, pay attention to any people in your life who may seem disturbed or need help. Reach out and see if you can step up and help people who are unstable, if there are people like that in your neighborhood, at your school, in your life as well. You know, we all have to work to keep our kids safe. 

 

Martin: Now, it's normal for kids to have nightmares, to cry, express fears -- at what point, though, should a parent consider outside counseling? 

 

Renner: That's a great question. I think everyone knows their child best, and if you have a child that normally goes to sleep fine and is suddenly having night terrors or nightmares, and you've done some of the connecting work in talking and feeling like you're really able to pay attention to them, and it's still continuing -- you know, I always start with the pediatrician. I think it's a great place to start when you need help, because pediatricians know your children so well. And, of course, seek out help from a therapist, or a minister, or someone else, if you feel like this doesn't seem just like a short reaction or a normal reaction. I think it's important. You can always call 211 if you don't know where to find help. I think some children, depending also on their temperament, might really not show any signs until a little later. So keep your ears open, and pay attention to their play. What are they saying in their play? How are they acting? Do they seem very different? And I think it's important for parents to really not add the burden of this to a child, but respond to what they're saying, and what they're showing.

 

Martin: There are tragedies that happen regularly here in the Bay Area and kids are inevitably exposed to them. What do parents need to be doing on a regular basis to help children cope with the traumas they face?

 

Renner: I think the key is always to keep your eyes and ears open. And make sure there's time in your day, at night, on the weekend, to really connect with your kids. Often it's through play, or driving in the car, when issues come up. Checking in and saying not only, "Did you have a good day at school," but more specifically, "What are the things you're really liking? Is there anything you're not liking in school?" Knowing their friends, being involved. I think we're all so busy these days, that sometimes we don't notice -- we don't really become familiar with how our child is doing. And also realizing that we're all imperfect, and there are some things that, actually, we can't protect our children from, but we should do our darndest to do whatever we can do. Being connected with the school, and your neighborhood, and your community really can make a huge difference. And never, never make a child feel ashamed or embarrassed for saying how they feel and talking about their fears. It's really important to let them feel comfortable and safe talking to the adults in their lives.